A.N.T.s in Your Pants

Today we are going to talk about A.N.T.’s.

A.N.T.’ s stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts.

These are thoughts that just kind of RUN though our head real quick. For

example, you lock your keys in your car and a thought run through your

head…”I’m so stupid!”

That’s an A.N.T.!

We want to learn to listen for them and EXTERMINATE those thoughts

before they multiply and our whole brain becomes infested with A.N.T.’s!

What do you think causes a person to cross the line of actually physically

hurting someone they love? Everyone gets frustrated with their partner,

but only a few actually cross the line of physically hurting someone they

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love…why??

The following ideas are common thoughts that may contribute to people to

cross that line.

See which ones you can relate to:

1.I need to have control over my partner…otherwise she might sleep with

other men, leave me, or mess up her life.

2. I should never show my feelings to others or they will think I am weak.

3. Women can’t be trusted, they will all stab you in the back.

4. When my partner does something I don’t like, I have to scream at them

to teach them not to do it again.

5. My partner should obey me and do what I tell her to do.

6. I need to be pushy and demanding otherwise people won’t respect me.

7. I am the man of the house and I need to always make sure she knows

who wears the pants in the house or my partner/family will run over me.

A.N.T.’s= Automatic Negative Thoughts

Automatic Negative Thoughts or A.N.T’s are

what tend to escalate a situation that would

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make most people mad ….into a situation that

is violent and completely out control.

Getting our A.N.T’s exterminated is one of the Main GOALS of this class.

Let’s look at an example:

Hungry Jack

Bill comes home from work super hungry. No dinner is on the table. He’s

disappointed…and picks up the phone and calls in a pizza.

Jack also comes home from work super hungry. No dinner is on the table.

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He picks up a pot and throws it across the room and shouts “I’m the man of

this house and I can’t even get a decent meal cooked for me?!”

Jack blames his outburst on the FACT. No dinner was

made. But if it really were the FACT that caused Jack to

throw the pot across the room….then Bill would have

thrown the pot too.

So we KNOW it wasn’t the FACT that caused Hungry Jack to be violent.

It was the FACT + Jack’s A.N.T’s that caused Jack to throw the pot across the

room.

No dinner + His thought (“I am the man of the house and I need to always

make sure she knows who wears the pants in the house”)==Jack’s violent

outburst

This is great news!

Because that tells us…if we can just REMOVE the A.N.T…we can get Bill’s

healthy reaction to the FACT. Bill called in a pizza. His thought was “My

partner must have had a hard day…let’s just call in a pizza and rest together

tonight. We are a team.”

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Once we get those pesky A.N.T’s exterminated from the equation, we can

start having healthy reactions to FACT’s that annoy us. It’s still gonna upset

you when you walk in the door and don’t smell food cooking. You’re

hungry. We ALL would love to have someone cook for us so we don’t have

to. But now your reaction isn’t going to destroy your relationship…it’s going

to build it.

You call in the pizza...and build the teams morale.

You both had a hard day. You both go rest together--with smiles.

Who do you think someone would want to be married to? Bill or Hungry

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Jack?

There are certain beliefs that we have to be willing to challenge in order to

make sure we never cross the line of physically hurting someone that we

say we love.

When we love someone, we are the ones who PROTECT them from harm,

we are not the ones doing the harm!

What do you think is the difference between being Aggressive and

Assertive?

Aggressive is stating your need in a forceful way without regard to other

people’s needs

Assertive is stating your need in a respectful way that takes into account

others needs as well as your own.

We want to be able to express our needs and get them met in an

Assertive way, not an Aggressive way. A.N.T.’s tend to FUEL aggression.

What we are learning to do is challenge our Automatic Negative Thoughts

that have got us in trouble in the past and change it into Purposeful

Thinking. Purposeful thinking allows us to express our needs, but do it in a

way that takes everyone else’s needs into account. We are not the only one

in the room and not the only affected by the decision.

When you ask your partner’s opinion and LISTEN to their answer...you send

the message to them “I love you and I value you!”

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CHOOSE your thoughts or they will choose the

course of your life.

Here are some more Automatic Thoughts that can get us into

trouble.

OvergeneralizationOvergeneralizationOvergeneralizationOvergeneralization:

Coming to a conclusion based on a single event. If something bad happens

once, you expect it to happen again and again.

Example/“I lose every job I ever get…”

FilteringFilteringFilteringFiltering::::

Concentrating on the negatives while ignoring the positives.

Ignoring information that contradicts your (negative) view of the situation.

Ex/“My boss said I’m great at my job. But yesterday he said I clocked in

wrong. He thinks I’m a terrible employee.”

All or Nothing Thinking:All or Nothing Thinking:All or Nothing Thinking:All or Nothing Thinking:

Thinking in black and white

Things are right or wrong, good or bad--no middle ground.

Ex/“Either we can have the wedding on the 1st or we can’t ever get

married.”

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PersonalizingPersonalizingPersonalizingPersonalizing::::

Taking responsibility for something that’s not your fault. Thinking

that what people say or do is some kind of reaction to you, or is in some way

related to you.

Ex/“The only reason she made Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving is because she

knows I hate it”

CatastrophisingCatastrophisingCatastrophisingCatastrophising::::

Overestimating the chances of disaster.

Expecting something terrible to happen.

Ex/”I have a headache. I probably have a brain tumor.”

Mind ReadingMind ReadingMind ReadingMind Reading:::: Making assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings

and behaviors without checking the evidence.

Ex/“I know she can’t stand me. I came through the door earlier and she

didn’t say ‘hello’.”

Fortune Telling Fortune Telling Fortune Telling Fortune Telling : Anticipating an outcome and assuming your prediction is

an established fact.

Ex/“I’m probably going to lose my job. I’ll never get another job again.”

Should Statements:Should Statements:Should Statements:Should Statements:

Using “should” or “must” statements that create unrealistic expectations of

yourself and others.

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“You should answer the phone everytime I call you.”

Adapted from: The Happiness Institute

www.thehappinessinstitute.com

ph. 02 9221 3306

© Dr. Timothy J Sharp (2002, 2006)

(If you think you’d benefit from a more detailed explanation of unhelpful

thinking and how to manage it, consider Dr. Sharp’s “The Happiness Handbook” as well as The Happiness

Institute’s series of happiness workbooks.)

Domestic Violence Review:Every week we will review one area of Domestic Violence. You will then be able to draw a very clear line in your head of what a positive healthy relationship looks like and what a negative unhealthy relationship looks like.

Domestic violence is based on power and control and

can take many forms including physical abuse,

economic abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse such

as threats and intimidation, stalking and a variety

of other forms of control used to instill fear and

dominate their partner.

Healthy Relationships involve an equal partnership

where both partners feel safe in every way and have

open honest communication. Both partners feel

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comfortable expressing their emotions and their

opinions and work together to compromise and

achieve mutually satisfying solutions.

When we try to get our needs met in an Aggressive manner, it shuts other

people’s hearts down.

Most people have a natural desire to please the other person they are in a

relationship with. But when we ORDER someone around in an Aggressive

manner, it shuts DOWN that natural desire. Now they don’t want to do

ANYTHING!

It’s FUN to do nice things for people we care about. It’s NOT fun when they

expect it of you and order you to do it in a “Master of the Castle” sort of

way.

A.N.T’s escalate our communication of our needs. Thoughts such as

“women can’t be trusted”, ”That’s woman’s work”, “I wear the pants in this

house!” may cause you to over-react and assume the worst in a situation.

Think if your thoughts were the same as when you first met your partner. “I

love her so much. We are a team.” How would that change the way you look

at everything your partner does?

QUIZ

(Remember, all Quiz questions are based on PARTICIPATION. You are not

graded on how perfect your answer is. You are graded on how much effort

and sincerity you put into the answers. Sarcastic answers are considered

Blank Answers and will not be accepted as completed. So just do your best

on each question and if it doesn’t fit your situation exactly, just adapt the

question to fit your life. REMEMBER: This is a 90 minute class so take your

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time and put thought into each question!)

1.Write down your answers to your homework from last week.

2. Write down your answers to the questions and to the Code Words that

were given in the video.

3. What do you think contributes to some people crossing the line to hurt

someone they love and others who don’t cross that line?

4. List some common thoughts or A.N.T’s that may contribute to someone

choosing to cross the line of being violent mentioned at the beginning of

this session. Which ones can you relate to?

5. List 3 differences between Bill and Hungry Jack in the example.

6. What were Hungry Jack’s A.N.T.’s (Automatic Negative Thoughts)?

7. Who do you think someone would want to be married to? Bill or Hungry

Jack?

Explain your answer.

8. What are 3 phrases Hungry Jack could have used to talk himself DOWN

instead of UP way before it got to the point of throwing a frying pan?

9. What are your ideas on how someone who has hurt a person they loved

in the past to keep from ever doing it again?

10. What is the difference between Aggressive and Assertive? Give an

EXAMPLE of how someone would get their needs met in an Assertive way

and then how would they get that need met in an Aggressive way.

11. Describe how could Hungry Jack have used our “5 Seconds to Success”

technique in the “Hungry Jack” scene?

12. Domestic Violence Review: What does the “Master of the Castle”

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thought process mean?

Can you relate to ever using it in the past? Who usually makes the big

decisions in your relationship (or past relationship)?

13. Choose 3 Toxic Belief from the list below that you think may have

helped fuel Hungry Jack’s outburst.

Homework for next week: Identify at least 2 times this week when you

notice an A.N.T. creep into your thoughts and write what it was and what

you replaced it with.

Example…I lost my job and I thought…”I will never be able to keep a job

again, I’m so worthless” (Fortune-telling) and I replaced it with… ”It’s only

one job, there are thousands of other possible places to work, I’m a hard

worker and I will get something else.”

Toxic Beliefs:

---I need to have control over my partner…otherwise she might sleep with

other men, leave me, mess up her life, or do something I don’t like.

---The whole world should revolve around me.

---Everyone should be perfect at every moment (except me).

---My partner should be able to read my mind.

---Things need to always be done the RIGHT way (my way).

---No one deserves a break but me.

---I am the boss of everyone.

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---I should never show my feelings to others or they will think I am weak.

---Women can’t be trusted, they will all stab you in the back.

--- When my partner does something I don’t like, I have to scream at them

to teach them not to do it again.

--- My partner should obey me and do what I tell her to do.

--- I need to be pushy and demanding otherwise people won’t respect me.

--- I am the man of the house and I need to always make sure she knows

who

wears the pants in the house or my partner/family will run over me.

--- Everything will always go as planned.

--- That’s ‘woman’s work’—that’s beneath me!

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