“If There’s AnythingI Can Do,

Let Me Know.”An Interactive Workshop for Educators

Dealing with Grief and Loss in School Communities

Barbara J. Rick, M.Ed.

©2008

This workshop is designed to provide important information relevant to

grief and loss in school communities.It is not intended to replace

professional medical, psychological, or grief intervention.

Introduction

Guidelines For

Small Groups

Guidelines For

Small Groups

CONFIDENTIALITY   

ALLOW FOR EMOTION  

BE NON-JUDGMENTAL  

BE SUPPORTIVE 

SCHOOL IS THE STUDENT’S HOME

AWAY FROM HOME.

Research indicates that the way you process and deal with your own personal losses, will impact how you respond to your grieving students.

USDA Photo by: Dorothea Lange

Before you can be of assistance to your students,

you must first ask yourself…

“What are my own views and feelings about loss?”

Recall a past experience or event

ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

How did you respond (emotional, physical, behavioral, spiritual)? What did someone do that made you feel worse? What did someone do that helped you? What do you wish someone might have done?

A Look In The Rear View Mirror

Types of Student Loss

Loss Due to Death

• Parent• Sibling• Grandparent• Friend• Classmate• Teacher/Coach• Caregiver• Pet• Public Figure

Other Losses

• Trauma• Chronic Illness• Disaster• Divorce• Significant Relationship• Military Deployment• Ability to Do Something• Unemployment• Financial Problems• Relocation• National Tragedy

Variables That Affect the Grief Process

Culture/Ethnic Background/Where Raised

Gender

Spiritual Background

Financial Status

Support Network

Cognitive Development

Intensity of Relationship

Previous Losses

Unfinished Business

Concurring Stress

Type of Death – Anticipatory/Sudden

Viewing the Body

Age of the Deceased

Circumstances Surrounding the Death Homicide/Suicide

Litigation

Media Coverage

StudentSupport Network

FriendsFamily

Clergy

TeachersCoaches

Community

School AdministrationSupport Staff

CounselorsSchool PsychologistsSchool Social Workers

Federal, State and Local Agencies

The Process of Grief and Mourning

Grief: The emotional, behavioral, physical, and spiritual response to loss.

Mourning: The process by which we assimilate and incorporate loss into our daily life.

Bereavement: The state of being deprived ofsomeone or something.

The Stages of Mourning

Shock and Denial

Searching and Yearning

Disorientation

Resolution

Shock and Denial

Denial and disbelief

Fear and panic

Powerlessness

Numbness / unable to feel emotion

Time distortion

Uncontrolled /unpredictable crying

Dreams / nightmares

Lashing out in anger

Poor concentration / unable to focus

Forgetfulness

Frantic activity

Possible Emotional / Behavioral Responses

Shock and Denial

Possible Physical Responses

Need for warmth and rest

Feeling cold / shivering / trembling

Sleeplessness / excessive sleep without feeling rested

Heart palpitations

Heaviness in the chest

Difficulty breathing

Lump / tightness in the throat

Headaches

Nausea

Excessive weight loss / gain

Susceptibility to infections

Searching and Yearning

Searching for the cause of the event Wanting more medical details Bizarre thoughts and feelings / feeling overwhelmed

► Fear of Going Crazy

In adolescents and adults this may be the most prevalent symptom of grief. In the grief groups I have presided over, fear of going crazy has been the most common reaction and the main reason an individual seeks help. Once they realize the reactions they are experiencing are normal and common to others in the group, the symptoms begin to subside.

Jealous feelings toward others who still have a relationship like the one they have lost

Questioning “why” and looking for spiritual answers

Anger at God, the medial community, family members, self or even the deceased for leaving them

Consumed with the details of what has happened

Frantic activity – Keeping busy so that there is no time to think about what has happened

Dreams/ nightmares about the event or the deceased

Thinking they see the deceased

Guilt

Intense sadness/ the loss is beginning to sink in

Disorientation

Intense emotions start to subside

The reality of the loss sets in

Confusion – This is not an appropriate time to initiate significant changes or take on added responsibilities.

Loneliness and isolation - This usually comes at the time they most need closeness. Those around them feel that they have had enough time to process their loss.

Depression and guilt are the two main features of this phase.They may be characterized by the following:

Depression Feeling empty and hopeless

No interest in things previously enjoyed

Neglect of personal appearance and daily tasks

Lack of physical energy, even small tasks are too much

Feeling abandoned by family, friends, and God

Regressive behavior (primarily present in pre-school and elementary age students)

Guilt

Sense of failure

May say things like:“I should have” or “If only I’d”

Self blame and blaming others

Engaging in negative behaviors

Feeling relief at the death(this is common when death comes after a long illness.)

Resolution

Able to relax

Genuine laughter returns

No guilt for feeling pleasure

Hope and futuristic thinking returns

Able to issue forgiveness where needed

Able to talk about the loss withoutsevere emotional upheaval

Chronic Grief

ComplicatingFactors – New Information - Event

Processing of Information - Event

Grief Process Continues without Resolution

1

2

3

4

Adjustment toInformation– Event

InitialInformation– Event

Break Time

Supporting Students Dealing with Death

1. Provide Immediate Support

2. Communicate with Your Class

3. LISTEN! LISTEN! LISTEN!

4. Do Not Avoid Bereaved Students

5. Allow for the Expression of Tears

6. Provide Reassurance

7. Stick to Routines and Rules

8. Classroom Assignments

9. Communicate with the Family

10. Memorials

Death at School – Possible Classroom Activities

Using the deceased student/teacher’s name: Create a memory word for each letter of the name.

Make a copy for each student. Share a copy with the family.

Create a memory box: Have students write letters, notes, or draw pictures sharing

their memories and thoughts about the person. Place in the box and give to the family.

Provide note cards and establish a ‘question box.” Encourage students to write questions and thoughts to place in the box.

Make sure you acknowledge each submission

Plans for memorial activities should include input and participationfrom students, faculty, administration, and the family.

Lower the school flag half mast

Donate toys to a children’s organization

Donate books to your school or public library

Visit the funeral home and/or attend the funeral

Plant a memorial tree or garden on school grounds

Decide, with the class, what to with the student’s desk(ex: placing the desk in a mutually agreed upon location)

Collect and donate money to an organization designated by the family

Hold a memorial assembly and/or a candlelight vigil (sometime during the first week)

Designate an area of the school as a temporary memorial site. There should be an agreed upon time to remove the memorial and what to

do with the writings and items left at the site.

 

CLICHES

“Things could be worse.”

“It’s for the best,” or “It’s a blessing in disguise.”

 

“What did you expect?”

 

“You think that’s bad?”

“Well, at least you had or have….”

Do not assume your student and the custodial parent share the same last name.

 Be careful to maintain “best practices” in the classroom

Stick to daily routines

Be a good listener

Supporting Students Dealing with Divorce

  Avoid using negative phases such as “they are from a broken home.”

  Be sensitive when making gifts for the holidays, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Do not become involved in the legal and custody battles of the parents.

When sending home class notes, address them “Dear Parent/Guardian.”

Parent is dead and there is no possible way they will return

Student may feel something they said or did caused the death.

No loyalty conflict

Community support

No choice

Student may fantasize about parents reuniting and the non-

custodial parent returning home.

Student may blame themselves for the breakup.

Loyalty conflicts

Lack of community support

Divorce was a choice

Parental Loss - DeathParental Loss -

Divorce

Older students may assume more responsibilities at home Financial Difficulties

Problems adjusting to parents dating May worry what will happen to them if the custodial parent dies

Relocation

Possible Overlapping Concerns

Supporting Students of Deployed Military

Stage 1. Shock, denial and anger

Stage 2. Anticipation of loss

Stage 3. Emotional detachment

Stage 4. Shock, denial and anger

Stage 5. Anticipation of loss

Stage 6. Emotional detachment

Phase I : Pre- Deployment Preparation Phase II: Deployment Separation

Phase III Post – Deployment/Homecoming/Reunion

7. Honeymoon

8. Reintegration

Disaster Reactions and Intervention Suggestions

7 out of the top 10 disasters have occurred since 2001

Ages: 6-11

Disaster Reactions and Intervention Suggestions

Ages: 1-5

Ages: 12-18

Adults

Information taken from Field Manual for Health and Human Service Workers in Major Disasters. Department of Health and Human Services Publication No. ADM

90-537, p.16 – 19.

Encourage, but don’t force students to talk about their fears and concerns.

Remain self-controlled and calm. Set an example.

Provide age appropriate, factual information.

Encourage parents to spend extra time with their children.

The event will happen again Someone close to them will be killed or injured

They will be left alone or separated from their family

Greatest Fears of Children in a Disaster

How to Help

Encourage students to participate in the community recovery process.

Stick to routines, schedules and rules.

Acknowledge Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Adjust assignments.

Encourage students to limit their exposure to media and news coverage.

Encourage good nutrition and proper rest and sleep.

Supporting Students Dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Types of Traumatic Events

Death of a loved one 

Violence in the home, community, school, or television

 Natural Disaster

 Terrorist Attack

 Physical or Sexual Assault

Accident

Trauma by Proxy

Farm Security Administration – photographer: Russell Lee

Possible Student Responses To PTSD

Flashbacks (re-experiencing the event)

Being in a daze

Sleep disturbances

Separation

Detachment

Difficulty concentrating

Withdrawal

Afraid to be alone

Anger

Avoidance of anything that reminds them of the trauma

Regressive behavior (usually younger children)

A change in school performance (not able to focus; intensely focused)

Possible Strategies for Students Dealing with PTSD

Allow students to talk about the event (listen and ask open ended questions)

Maintain classroom routines and activities

Answering questions

Students/caregivers should limit their exposure to media reports of the eventScary stories, movies or videos should be avoided

 

Student Support Information SheetsStudent Support Information Sheets

Online Resources

Student Vignettes

Katie’sStory

Katie’sStory

Jason’sStory

Jason’sStory

Daniel’sStory

Daniel’sStory

Mandy’sStory

Mandy’sStory

?

Photo Credits

Taken from the USDA photo library

Photographer: Dorothy Lange Public Domain

Taken from the NOAA photo library National Weather Service Photo

Public Domain

Taken from the NOAA photo library National Weather Service Photo

Public Domain

Cover and all other photos are property of the author

Taken from Farm Security Administration

Photographer: Russell Lee Public Domain