Are We Worthwhile?

By Jamie Robertson

Are We Worthwhile?

This is the third compilation of poems I have brought together. None of these have been performed and indeed none of them have been read by anyone else, except for Dreams and Fairy Tales, which almost became song lyrics until I decided it didn't match what we were doing. I have no idea what people will make of them or how they will be perceived. In fact, I nearly didn't compile these at all. I was on the verge of just binning them.

The reason for this is that these poems were written in a period of my life that I rarely discuss and in a lot of ways consider a turning point. These are the poems that came from a lot of destructive behaviour and emotions. The majority were either written drunk or during elevations in bouts of depression. In reworking them, I no longer see them as representing me or who I am. They are part of who I was and what I was doing in order to grow and develop as a person (or maybe I was retarding it). They are a reminder of the cruelty and mistakes I made and of things that created a lot of anger and hatred. Before I reworked the poems, they were explicit in meaning and aimed directly as an attack on those I despised or raged against. Some of it was excruciatingly melodramatic or angst ridden. Hell, maybe it still is, you'll be the one deciding that. I can no longer see the relevancy in this or the purpose in releasing the poetry as it originally stood. But I couldn't bring myself to just destroy them either.

And so here I present poetry that has been updated or altered to suit a purpose closer to what I would like it to do now. Namely an exploration of the darker side of the psyche and a narrative of what it was like to be that person and in that place. But I'm also hoping that in doing so, I have created something that can be related to or at least provokes thought, rather than being self-indulgent or self-pitying. Like I've said before I dislike explaining what the poetry is and carry the opinion that poetry is self-indulgent enough without the writer getting involved to tell you what to feel or think. Nevertheless, I have been asked to include an intro and explanation and so there you go. There are some questions I feel I should answer though. These compilations are created from batches of poems that span around fifteen years I always intended on doing something like this with them. Initially, I was going to title this compilation after the poem, As Intended but decided that the chosen title was more appropriate and perhaps left room for a positive answer for the future rather than a negative conclusion to an ongoing life. The poems are not about one specific person or moment but rather range to cover many significant relationships and events. Sometimes I struggle to remember who or what I specifically wrote about and sometimes I am writing from a a general or even fictional basis. This all makes it a pain in the dick to bring thematics or narrative to it but I'm told it makes it easier to read and is the professional thing to do, so who am I to argue? In essence, I guess I'm saying I have created mirrors and smokescreens to help lead, misdirect and redirect the reader. Or did I? I forget.

Personally, I hope you enjoy and rather than be bogged down by the specifics of what the poems mean to me just read them for you. If you do relate to the poetry or see yourself in the narrative, perhaps you would indulge me with one thing. Yeah, life is real shitty at times and sometimes there doesn't appear to be much hope but this was just part of a journey. It's these moments that bring TRUE value to the better times and no matter who hurts you or gets in your way, none of it matters unless that person is you.

Anyway. Get it read and share if you like it. I write for the audience as much as myself. Go forth Humanity and show we are noble and worthwhile.

My Path

Follow my pathIt twists and curvesAway from HumanityUntil we are lostand we who tread are daemonsdeserving death in the eyesof the righteous.Everywhere we tread is death.Gods spit down at us contempt earned and ours to have.Yet they pull our strings.Damnmy childish weaknesses.Follow.Where I go.Follow.Live.My...Life.Now I Know

Fuck if I understand.What's going on inside their heads?I thought I knew it allbut I guess they're better at lying than I am.

They can lie to themselves.It helps to trick everybody else.They have adapted to deceit.It will help them outlive me.

I continue to examine the world.I am so drunk on death.I'm left holding my insidesand shallow breath.

A breath that stinksof life and sin.It connects me to these people.Life and sensation.

I cover my face.I tell them I am like them.I conceal my identityin the hope of acceptance.

Perhaps I can learn.Learn to lie convincingly to myself.A trick to surviveand outlive the old me.Remembrance

Retractive claws and smothered in velvet.My demons follow me.No hiding in the jungles of society.

They're baring teeth and have a taste for blood.Childish fears follow me.No hiding in the depths of misery.

Cover the ears to the howling screams.Memories will follow me.Far away we flow from safety.

I'm bruised and scarred, hurt by all I know.The bitterness follows me.No hiding in the lines of friends and enemies.

I shall remember the moments that tarnish humanity.Until the emptiness consumes me.Captured by the demons who refuse to give in.

Hidden

I despair at all I did.How easily I can justify crueltyand exploit impurities.I will remember I shed no tears and hold no sincere regret.

I am scared to be human.I have seen the depths it can bring us to..It attempts to corrupt the soul and mind.I am scared that the deeper I lookthe less worth saving I find.

Am I looking in the right places?Have I failed to understand what we are?Am I seeing things from an askewed view?Is humanity a disease worth spreading?The answers stay hidden.

The Present before Tomorrow

I like to remember yesterdayas a sunny day without a cloud in the sky.I like to look at the pastas if it was the best times I've ever had.

With death comes oblivion.The day before is the heaven we sought.This was the day when things were uncertain.I hope I smile before tomorrow comes.

I'm worried I'm growing indulgent.I hope I am not becoming selfish.Before I fail I want to hear singingthat will destroy cynicism and bring joy to the present.

Trust

I will always love you.I will always remember all of the things that you did.

I will remember how you acted.I will remember how you expressed yourself.I will remember the desire to protect you.

I will remember I was not good enough to trust.I will remember that no matter what I did,you were closed to my attempts to reach you.

I will remember I love you.I will remember the things we did.I never want to forget this.

And I would give anything for you to hear this.I would do anything to have you believe me.I must live with this, knowing I was not the one you trust.

Awake or Insane.

Late at night, they visit.They hate to see me dream.They'd rather I live in an insomniac fantasy.

An unreality of drugs, drink and despair.Laughing at the idea that Love will save me.Screaming at the thought of needing humanity.

Using sex, words and hurt to entertain myself and control my world.I exalt in a hell of my creation...

Thank you for your help in its making.I know it wasn't easy for you.I think I liked you more when you were afraid of me.

Godfly

The question is Why?

Do my beliefs disturb?Am I the fiendinvading your world?

Is it you who's crying?Does everything dissolve once you confess your feelings?

Do you turn away from me?Do you refuse my offer of salvation,whilst accepting my temptations?

Do you continue this denial?Did you hide it so well?Do I still care to question?

The Real Moments that Last

It becomes your choice.I am left without a voicein the matter of our happiness.

It must no longer matter.It has come to this and cannot be fixed.

What I want no longer matters.And all that mattered is gone.Without it, you move on.

It is now beyond my grasp.You change with one momentand this moment will last.

When Prayers are Answered

Once everything is dead and blackenedand angels lament and weep for the disgraced endingthat has been placed upon us.I want you all to know, I prayed to the heavensfor this hell that has risen to swallow us all.

I will soar above this with teeth clacking in delight.My scales will reflect the flames and torments brought to life.There will be no more temptation, save the end of suffering.I have prayed that I shall hold this from you.It will be a promise I dangle before this broken species.

And we shall see who excels in this world of their making.

As Intended

It seems so stupid...A lost cause. I fold.Love is meant for others.I am allowed the luxury of hatred and longing.

It seems so unfair...To fail again.No matter how I try.It is as if I am here to remove scars and bear them myself.

Laugh. With or at me.I let it happen again.Despite my best efforts, I never get it right.Stupid, unfair and as it was intended.

Correcting Mistakes.

If I scared you, I apologise.If I worry you, consider me chastised.I didn't mean to be like this.I really didn't want to be a bad guy.

I am as the fallen. I am part of the fallen.I am the cause of the fallen.

I have made mistakes in believing kindness and caring are helpful to anyone.

I have been mistakenin believing kindness and caring is what made us human.

I've Got to Go

It was all just for fun.I'd love for you to join my party.Share the drink and drugsand make sure to have a good time.But it's time I had to leave the party.

I found a world contained in a bubbleand she wants to embrace me tightly.I look around at this shimmering, fragile cell.Part of this world.And then I have to go again.

I don't want to be where fantasies are limitedby libido and the constitution.Everyone is contagiousand I have to stop breathing.Until I find a new place to be.

I hold onto my ambitionsand inflate my ego to float.I'm in a hurry to get to wherever I find myself.The sun is fading fast and doubt is sinking me.I have to go before the hurt catches up.

Clarity

I was lost in my happiness.It had buried the past.Thoughts that should last forever.I should be grateful nothing ever last.

Holding onto the bottle.Clear my head with poison.I am in a place without regretand thankful for the solution.

I can forget and switch off for a while.I laugh when they say I'm slowly killing myself.I look at you with those accusing, pleading eyes.Yes. Lost. And now straying far from the territory.

The reminder that it is you who grants joy.It creates rage inside as I try to deny this.I resent you for keeping me near.How can one so young feel this despair?

The lost spirit is replaced with new ones.The reason for happiness is lost to it all.Weary eyes that feel they've seen it all.They failed to notice the pain I was bringing.

Pins and Needles

My ambitious desire for contentmenthas long been denied.Inside, I once burned with resentment.And then you appeared in my life...

You were described as strange, as am I.You held youth with a mind far older.You captivated me, you made me feel interesting.When I found you, I found far more than I could have hoped for.

You were demure and disarming in beauty.You were intelligent and found joy in the trivial.A little too enigmatic but a mind like mine craves this.A little too damaged but my heart seeks this out.

I was just a boy, shawled in loneliness.Disowned, disconnected and isolated.You helped to unwrap me and create links to the world.You helped me to grow into the man I am today.

It is my regret I could not be this man back then.It is with shame I accept my cruelty and hurtful words.It is with shame I concede I needed you more than you I.We are friends. We were greater than this.

I am sorry. We are beyond apologies.

Infidelity

I mistrust and it makes me feel ugly.There is no more trust.I am sorry.

I wish I could believe what you say to mebut I can't help but reject the words I hear.I am in the arms of my enemy.

I am sorry I pity you.My heart rages when I think of you,believing everything we had is a lie.

I am sorry I mistrust you.I am sorry I hold only doubt now.I'm sorry my Love.

Sick Envy

Every time I think of him touching you,I wish I could turn off my mind.I grow sick in my stomach.I feel myself screaming inside.I want to lash out and smash and break everything.

I didn't want this to happen. That's what you said.I went to embrace you to make you feel better.Thinking that now makes me laugh as I beat at the wall.My heart beats in rhythm to this surging with loathing.

I am not alone I will have my paranoia with me, always.As I watched you leave, I wanted to forgive and fix this.It sickens me further to think I would have debased myself like this.I would have been hurt further when you reject my pathetic offer.And so instead I envy the man who supplanted me.

Playmates for Life

I am your victim.Built to prove your need for dominance.Created to endure the hurt.I may join the broken onesbut I am your favourite plaything.

It excites you to see my stoicism.You feel the need to see me react.I accept it and try to entertain.It is your body to do as you wish.Each time you pull at my strings I speak.

For years you have tried to break me.Twisting, tearing, discarding only to returnwith soothing touches and kinder words.You will only grow bored if you realiseI was damaged and without feeling a long time ago.

Routine

A lonely lack of empathy.To be surrounded by friendsand not knowing their faces.Not sure if I can relate to them.

A dirty emptiness.A need to be elsewhere.Break from the routine.Disappear from expectation.

Time and repetition gnaws away at the desire to do anything.It gets to where I can't bear the dayand I wish I could stop from thinking.

Somehow I formed this soul breaking routine.Life is becoming one long memory.I've withdrawn to the closest point of oblivion.The urge to drink keeps me coming back.

I don't think I can last this way.

Deep Rest

The darkest hour is after you have seen the light.It hurts the most when things seemed all right.It's not always easy to face the mirror.It's not always easy to accept this is life.

Stars bring solace. Rain loses tears.I love to feel.Just not this way.

It hurts the most when the good times are recalled.When things were good and there were no faults to lay.The curse of those days is I never want to forget.The curse of the memory is knowing what's left.

A dark, lonely existence awaits the unprepared.Lord knows I wasn't ready for this.Confusion and rage meet at the middleand the sound of it is deafening.

The force of it causes skin to split.It tears at the openings.It weakens me until I am too tired.Too tired to wear the mask or words of People.

It brought me so close to forgetting my humanity.It unsettled and shook free all concepts formed or forged.It threatened to overwhelm and destroy everything I knew.And then the storm broke.

Empty, dumb, hollow, numb.The remains stirred into action.I found new eyes, as my fingers traced the ruins.An awakening after the deep rest.

Feel Dead

I wake up.Feel dead.I don't want to breath.So I choke instead.

No energy to find a reason.I feel empty.I can't bear it.Cloyed by misery.

Bring myself out of bed.Feel heavy.I put on my skin.Time to be the other me.

Days long blurred to one.I have lost the Urge.I follow the routine.Belly crawl through dirt.

By the time I return.It is darkand I am so tired.Too tired to want to sleep.

I realise I am trapped.Trapped in the failings of the mind.I crawl around in my headsearching for a dream.

Star City

Flesh, so cold it burns.I smoke the hatredand kill my lungs.At night, I lie awakeand watch the city of stars.

It hurts, so I laugh it off.Laugh right into your stupid face.If only you knew or understood.Now I feel out of place.I go to the city of stars.

Down below is a dark, lonely world.Yet as small as it is, I'm easily lost.You divide it up with secrets and fears.Let's wait for the judgements I must bear.Then I can escape to the stars.

I will not be forced from this new homeby the festering insecurities of the mind.I will leave these thoughts with you.I will not hate you, if you can forgive mefor leaving you for the city of stars.

Dreams and Fairytales

What I can't wish away, I drink away.Merriment swimming with the tears.I swear I could reach the stars.I feel my fingertips burn.

I wish away the sky and barriersand try not to look surprised at success.I can't remember smiling without sighing.I wish I had your courage.

The only evidence of this is in my headand words I never let you see.I dream away the moment you see what I can do.And let the nightmares grow anew.

Until they're tall enough to make fairy tales true.

Solitude

The dark etches onto my mind.I don't need to read what is memorised.Segregating myself from the world,yet keeping it close to hand.I am fascinated by it's cruelty.It reminds me of where I come from.

I try not to sleep.I try not to nourish the brain.I practise normality in the quiet.

Defending myself from rejection and humiliation.I dream of ways of improving.I will look forward to seeing you then.I will enjoy seeing you stammer and gaze inwards.My gaze will be that of God. You will be unworthy.My ally, the Dark, will not heal you.

No time to sleep.Rage shall nourish the spirit.I practise normality in the quiet.

The solitude reforges my mindset and emotions.You would find no solace in this isolation.This alone would be enough to make me strong.I find sufficiency with what I am left with.I need no acceptance nor sustenance.Not until the time is right to reveal myself reborn.

With Time and Truth

I can't help but hate you.I make a promise to never be like you.I know I can be better than that.

Each morning, the sun bleeds over the worldand grants life to those it feeds.I will be like this.

You mock the sentiment.You are ignorant of love.I wonder how similar we are.

You see my sense of humour as a weapon and a way to escape.I laugh and scorn everything sacred to you.

I see your taboos as a way of hiding from the truth.I will live a life of unflinching honesty.I will do everything to avoid being like you.

Over the years, I learn the truth belongs to no-one.I discover the truth is what you feared.It is a capricious animal waiting to sting those who ride upon it.

Rip

Every flower that rains downcan be heard though we are now underground.

Every foot that leaps and danceshas a soundthat is recognised as readily as an expression.

Every soul that we meetwill be rememberedas it struggles to pass by and through.

Every heartbeat that stopswill be mournedlong before the body has dropped.A Study

I live in this glass bowl I have constructed.People can stop to stare into it.I live life as an open book.Open to the judgements of the passive eye.

I am tainted from experiencing strangers.I see the dead walking and claiming they hold souls.I am the exhibit for the gawking passer-by.Not part of the world now I am isolated.

I am terrified, as I consider the consequences.Our world is led by the ignorant and greedy.The stupid tyrant with their own interests at heart.The bowl begins to fill with tears.

I will drown here for the world to watch.Why doesn't he stop? His tears will be the death of him.And still they watch.