Assertion & Conflict Resolution

Passive Behavior

When I take the other person’s rights into account and not my own.

Don’t express your true feelings Always agrees Apologetic Avoids confrontation Based on compliance Handles Conflict by doing nothing

Aggressive Behavior

When I take my own rights into account and not the other person’s.

Involves manipulation Intimidation Controlling Interrupts Domineering/Bullying Handle conflict by harming others.

Assertive Behavior

• Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others.

• Effective active listener• States limits and expectations• Decisive• Operates from choice• Eye Contact• Handle conflict by using problem solving.

Definitions

Conflict: When two people disagree on an issue. Conflict Resolution: A communication skill that

encourages a better understanding of the other person’s point of view, helping to resolve conflicts in a positive way.

Win-Win Conflict Resolution: A belief that everyone can win by co-operation and avoiding competition and comparing

• Yelling• Refusing to change• Name calling, • Hitting, • Walking out, • Belittling, etc. • Most Passive and Aggressive

Behaviors.

What doesn’t work in conflict resolution?

• Assertive Techniques,

• Win-Win Attitude,

Co-operation

• Negotiation

What Does Work during Conflict Resolution?

When might a passive style be beneficial?

1. Minor issues2. When emotions run high3. Power Struggles4. Feelings of inferiority5. When change is impossible

When might an aggressive style be beneficial?

1.During emergencies2.When decisions needs to be made quickly3.To increase productivity

Defense Mechanisms

Projection:Blame other people and things to cover

weaknesses and failuresDisplacement:

Transfer emotion to someone or something else (Take it out on . . .)Direct Attack:

Recognize problem and strive to solve itIdealization:

Place too much value on an object or person

Defense Mechanisms cont.

Compensation:Use a substitute method to achieve the

goalRegression:

Revert back to a less mature stage of development (Act like a 2 year old)Conversion:

Emotion is expressed by a physical symptom or complaint (Head ache, ulcers, etc.Rationalization:

Explain weakness or failures by giving socially accepted excuses.

Defense Mechanisms cont.

Daydreaming:Imagine accomplishing or being better

than realityGiving Up:

Stop trying to solve problems because risk or failure is to high

Underlying issues

Personality Clash:Conflict over similarities and/or

differencesRights/privilege:

Conflict over the rules or laws of the situation or over something you feel you are entitled toRole Expectation:

Conflict over behavior associated with a position.

Underlying issues cont.

Value Violation:Challenges over something important to

you.

Hug O’War by Shel Silverstein

I will not play at tug o' warI'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugsInstead of tugs

Where everyone gigglesAnd rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kissesAnd everyone grins

And everyone cuddlesAnd everyone wins.

Rules for fair fighting

1. Negotiate from the adult point of view2. Avoid ultimatums3. If one loses, both loses4. Say what you really mean5. Avoid accusations and attacks6. Own your own feelings first7. Always check out your perceptions8. State your wishes and requests clearly

and directly9. Repeat the message you think you heard.

Rules for fair fighting

10. Refuse to fight dirty11. Resist giving the silent treatment12. Focus on the issue and deal in the present.13. Call for “time – out” if necessary14. Use humor not sarcasm15. Always go for closure/resolution

Preparation

Give a description of the problem that respects all involved.

Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain the steps.

Include only those concerned. Agree not to slip back to the win lose methods Find a good time and place with no distractions. Get something to write down ideas.

Identify the problem or issues

Use I Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goals

Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s needs and basic goals

Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs.

Don’t accept sudden promises not to cause the problem 

Brainstorm all possible solutions.

         Think of any and all possible ways to solve the problem so that

everyone will have needs met.          Evaluate later NOT NOW          Do not criticize any suggestion. Feed

back with reflective listening          Write down all ideas suggested.

Evaluate the solutions

Ask “Will it work? Does it meet all the needs of both people? Are there any problems likely?”

Don’t accept solutions for the sake of speed Use reflective listening and I Messages

Decide on the best solution.

Find a solutions that is mutually acceptable to both of you. .

If agreement seems difficult, Summarize areas of agreement. Restate needs, and look for new solutions.

Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution

Implementing the Solutions

Write this down and check all agree to it Refuse to remind or police the solutions If you want to set criteria for success, work out

these now Get Agreement on who does what by when

    Evaluate Results

If the agreed upon solution doesn’t work, remember it is the solution that failed, not the person, and seek for a new solution.

Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you.

Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seems resolved.

Results of Win-Win Solutions

•More creative in Thinking up solutions•Take more responsibility for helping everyone have needs met•Feeling of mutual respect •Love grows deeper with every conflict resolved.