ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

How to say ‘NO’ & control your future

Course Outline

The course contains 13 sections, but these fall into 5 main categories:

1. An introduction to Assertiveness 2. Do I want to be assertive? A look at myself 3. Laying the foundations for good relationships

with others: rights and responsibilities 4. Different techniques 5. Applying the lessons: personal action plan

Part 1 - What is Assertiveness? Here are some definitions of "to assert", drawn

from different sources: Chambers 20th Century Dictionary -To

vindicate or defend by argument or measures; to declare strongly; to lay claim to; to insist upon; to affirm; to bear evidence of.

Dictionary.com - To state or express positively; to defend or maintain (one's rights, for example).

The Assertiveness Pocketbook - Enjoying your rights, expressing your feelings, asking for what you want, stating your views - with integrity, honesty, directness, respect for others.

Part 2 - Four Styles

You getwhat you want Concede Negotiate

You don’t getwhat you want Withdraw Demand

SITUATIONAL TACTICS

I don’t getwhat I want

I getwhat I want

Situational Tactics

So, for example, to "concede" means "I don't get what I want, but you get what you want". That is, if you concede then you are saying "you win, I lose".

These are called "situational tactics" because they are behaviours that you can use in different situations.

In fact, depending on the situation, there are times when it is appropriate to each of these.

Part 3 - Rights and Responsibilities

Assertiveness can involve: defending your rights, whilst respecting

others rights. carrying out your responsibilities whilst

insisting others also adhere to their responsibilities as well.

Part 4 – Positive & Negative BeliefsWhat you believe has a major impact on your

behaviour, and your assertiveness.Examples of unassertive beliefs: If someone refuses a request, it means they

don’t like me They won't want to do that, so I won't ask My needs are not as important as other peoples I have no right to ask I’d rather give in and avoid the conflict If I ask, they’ll think I’m being rude or bossy

Aggressive Beliefs

Here are some examples of aggressive beliefs:

People should always do what I ask A refusal is an attack on me personally My needs are more important than

others

What negative beliefs inhibit your assertiveness?

Positive Beliefs

We may be at different levels in the organisation, but as people we both have rights & a right to our beliefs

If we both express our views, we can then explore ways of both getting what we both want

I’ll listen to what you have to say, and I’ll expect you to listen to what I have to say

What positive beliefs do you need to develop to become more assertive?

Part 5 - Being Direct

"Being Direct" is a straightforward technique. When you want something, ask for it and get straight to the point. Eg:

I’d like someone to drive me to the airport this afternoon. Would you be able to do that?

And when you answer such a request, be direct as well:

No, I’m taking this afternoon off to visit my parents.

Benefits

Being direct is, for most everyday matters, the best way to interact. It has a number of benefits, including:

It saves time Misunderstandings are reduced It enables genuine negotiation to take place You get more easily and quickly to a win-win

solution Other people don't have to second-guess what

you are thinking

Drawbacks

If you are not direct, it can lead to several problems, such as:

Things don't go the way you would like them to

You feel resentful as a result Other people stop asking you They may not say it, but other people

don't trust your honesty

False beliefs

There are some false beliefs about being direct, such as:

You will upset other people You will appear selfish or arrogant You will inconvenience other people by asking You will not be liked

Which apply to you?

Indirect

When you are not direct, you: frustrate other people by not saying

what you want deny others the opportunity to help you,

which they would like, by not asking appear insecure and oversensitive inconvenience people because they

have to spend time working out how not to offend you.

Example

Suppose you receive an invitation to a party, but already have other plans and you think the other person will be offended if you decline.

What would you do? Option 1 - say "Thank you for the

invitation. Unfortunately, I already have another commitment, so I can't come."

The other person will accept this and think none the less of you.

Option 2

To think the person may be offended by a refusal. So, you think you have to give a really good

reason to show how you would like to go but are unable to.

So, you say: "I'd really love to come, but John and Mary don't get out much. I've offered to babysit. I suppose I could try to find someone else, but I'm not sure I could find anyone at this short notice. I could talk to them and find out what time they are going, and see if I could drop in for a short time....", etc..

Summary

Being direct is a much better option than not. Being direct is being honest and showing integrity.

Don’t apologise too much Don’t beat around the bush, as it frustrates the

other person Keep it short (making long-winded excuses can

cause confusion) If appropriate give a reason for your request, but

don’t make it a long-winded self-justification Don’t dress up your requests with flattery, which

can come across as manipulation and make it more difficult for the person to refuse

Don’t take a refusal personally.

Part 6 - Expressing Disagreement Constructively

When you disagree with someone, it is often best to be direct and clear – avoids misunderstanding.

Eg: when someone disagrees they often go quiet; yet silence is often interpreted by others as agreement.

Disagreement can sometimes feel confrontational, so the assertive approach is to express disagreement in a constructive manner. This involves stating the disagreement clearly, but then following up immediately with one of the following:

Follow up with:

No I can’t take you to the airport. John may know of someone else going to the airport this afternoon try asking him.

Asking the other person to think of an alternative

No, I can’t take you to the airport. Who else could you ask?

Stating where you agree I don’t think that idea will work, but I do agree

that something needs to be done about it, and we’ve got to find a solution .

Part 7 - Managing Peoples Behaviour

Both people in a dialogue need to be assertive in order to get to a satisfactory solution. If the other person is not being assertive it can cause problems:

an aggressive person doesn’t listen to your views/needs, so you need to make them listen.

an unassertive person doesn’t express their views, so you need to encourage them to express their views.

a passive-aggressive person avoids any real dialogue, so you need to engage them in the discussion.

How

To manage the other person’s behaviour, you may have to temporarily suspend your own concern’s and point of view, and manage the structure/agenda of the discussion. This means:

you need to have a process to follow you act as a facilitator in the discussion,

explaining, and then making sure you both follow, the process

once you have started the process, you also act as a participant in the process (this is challenging, because acting as both facilitator and participant can be difficult).

Process

Outline the process (below) and the principle it is based on: that you are aiming for a solution that will work for both of you. (If you are talking to your boss, or someone senior, you will also have to acknowledge their right to make the final decision).

Each of you explain your positions positively that is, what you each want.

Ask for, and suggest, potential solutions or ideas. Assess the idea(s) to see if it meets both your needs.

If not, suggest (brainstorm) other ideas. If you exhaust all ideas, agree how you will both

compromise to find a solution that partly satisfies both of you.

Choose a solution that meets BOTH sets of needs.

Don’t

give in to the other person’s needs (that is being unassertive) or

ignore their needs (that is aggression) or go silent or withdraw (that is passive-

aggression).

Part 8 - Building Rapport

It is easier to get what you need from someone (and to find out what they need) if you have a good rapport. That involves:

Using active listening skills to hear what they are saying.

Making empathetic statements, that demonstrate you understand their situation and needs.

Asking them questions about their views, or the problems they see, or the reservations they have

Finding things that you have in common and talking about them

Dealing with them face to face (not by telephone or email) and looking them in the eye

Taking an interest in the whole person, and their wider interests, not just their work.

Part 9 - Focus on Facts

If someone makes a difficult request, eg: they are being inconsistent, or asking you for something that is contrary to an established policy, then:

Let the facts speak for themselves Ask for clarification of the facts This technique is particularly useful when

dealing with your manager, a senior person or someone in a position of power.

Example

You could point out the discrepancies between the current request and previous requests. This should not be used to score points or to humiliate a person who is inconsistent (everyone changes their mind). It should be used to identify and then constructively resolve differences.

When might this technique be useful? When might this technique be inappropriate?

Part 10 - Focus on Consequences This technique involves informing the other

person about the consequences, or potential consequences, of their actions or statements. This might include tangible outcomes, or your personal feelings.

This technique can be particularly useful when dealing with your manager.

However, informing of consequences on their own, can have a negative impact and can sound like a threat.

Make sure your consequences are real.

Change the Consequences

By giving me this information now, I have to work late to get the report to the client. Next week, if you provide me the information by Friday lunchtime I’ll be able to go home on time.

I’m upset by the way you criticised me in that meeting. In future, if you have a problem with my work, could you please tell me in our one-to-one meetings?

Part11 - Stop ‘Put Down’ Behaviour A natural response is to want revenge or to

defend yourself. In fact defending yourself usually has the

opposite effect: it has a negative impact on both you and the other person.

The origin of ‘put-downs’ is an insecurity in the other person: they want to make themselves feel good by making you look bad. This relies on you responding in a way that makes them feel good.

Put-downs rely on a reaction from you.

Put Downs

Your main aims, when responding to put downs, are usually:

To stop the put down behaviour To do so in a way that maintains your

own self respect.

Strategy

In the first instance, IGNORE IT. In many cases the person may try a few times to put you down but, once it becomes obvious there will be no reaction, will stop. Other people will respect you for it (for being mature enough to ignore it). NB: Don’t let yourself feel bad (such reactions reward the put-down behaviour). Think: I’ll rise above it. Put downs say much more about the person saying it than the person the comments are directed towards).

If you feel the need to deal with a put-down, do so with humour. Don’t treat it seriously, make a joke out of it but don’t make the other person the butt of the joke. Eg: I’m addicted to those typos, you know. I keep writing perfect reports and then just slipping those typos in, just to let people know I’m human!

If those don’t work, then use negative assertion.

Part 12 – The 4 Textbook Techniques Three of the techniques (negative

assertion, negative enquiry and fogging) are defensive techniques that can help to deal with put-downs. The fourth technique (broken record) is an aggressive technique that should only be used when:

all other attempts to be assertive - to negotiate - have failed and

your rights are being infringed.

The 4 Techniques

1. Negative Assertion2. Negative Enquiry3. Fogging4. Broken Record

1. Negative Assertion

Negative assertion involves accepting the truthful part of a criticism made against you, and stating it in positive terms (with humour?). Eg:

You’re stupid Well, I’m not the most intelligent person who has ever walked on the planet.

You’re always making mistakes I have to admit, I’m not perfect

You’re aggressive I don’t let people walk all over me, that’s true.

2. Negative Enquiry

This technique requires a lot of self-confidence. When someone is attacking or criticising you, you ask them for constructive criticism ie: what they think you are doing wrong, and what you could do differently to be better.

You’re stupid Oh, what specifically am I not understanding?

You’re lazy What is it that you think I should be doing?

3. Fogging

Fogging involves using words that acknowledge the other person’s point of view, and accepting that it might be true under circumstances, but without necessarily accepting it is true of you. Fogging is particularly powerful if you are able to restate the other person’s opinion in a way that could be true of anyone or everyone:

You’re stupid Yeah, we all have a stupid side to ourselves.

You’re always making mistakes To err is human.

You’re aggressive We all have an aggressive side to our personalities.

4. Broken Record

Only appropriate when you do not have a long term relationship with the other person, and your rights are being contravened - also when you are short of time.

Simply keep asserting your rights - important that you understand them and are able to quote reliable sources. Example:

This item is faulty. Under the Sale of Goods Act I am entitled to a refund and I want my money back.

I’ve got to go to a meeting. I don’t have time to talk about this now.

Part 13 - Personal Action Plan As a result of doing this course, these are

the things I plan to do differently:1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.