avoiding the dangers of superficial forgiveness

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AVOIDING THEDANGERS OFSUPERFICIALFORGIVENESSby Ken Ellis

WWhen we learn of amoral scandal among

ourselves, it’s easy toadd our own mistakes to analready difficult problem.Sometimes we condemn fallen brothers or sisters and try to dodge the sharedembarrassment by pushing them out of our lives. On otheroccasions we move too quicklythrough issues of apology,forgiveness, and restoration.

In the following pages, Ken Ellis, a professional counselor and Christian layman, describes a process to avoid the pitfalls that canmake a bad situation worse.

Martin R. De Haan II

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo: ©Ralph R. Clevenger/CorbisScripture taken from the New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan.All rights reserved.© 2004 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

CONTENTSAfter The Fall . . . . . . . . . 2

Avoiding Common Pitfalls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Consider Past Mistakes . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4Keep Our Goal In View . . . . . . . . . . 8

Superficial Apologies And Forgiveness . . . . . . 10

The Danger Of Superficiality . . . . . . . . . 11The Danger Of Denial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12

Following A Biblical Model Of Forgiveness . 18

The Challenge Of Biblical Forgiveness . . . . 19The Challenge To Understand The Scriptures . . . . . . . 20

Starting Points ForBiblical Forgiveness . . . . 24

The Process Of Restoration . . . . . . . 28

Why Does GenuineRestoration Matter So Much?. . . . . . . . . . . . 31

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

AFTER THE FALL

IIn Super Bowl III, theBaltimore Colts wereheavily favored over

what the “experts” viewedas the outmanned andoutgunned New York Jets.On the field, however, the game still had to beplayed. Despite all the hypeabout the superior strengthsof the Colts, the Jetsprevailed, 16-7. To this dayit remains one of the moststunning upsets in NationalFootball League history.

In the 30 plus yearssince Super Bowl III,analysts have scrutinizedthe game and come awaywith an almost universalevaluation of the upset—the Colts overestimatedthemselves andunderestimated theiropponent. They lostbecause they thought theywere invincible. They failedbecause they thought theywere beyond failure.

Life off the playing field is also marked byunexpected failure. In many cases the results are far more serious than losing an athletic contest.

The news media remindus almost daily of publicscandals not only ingovernment and businessbut also in the church. Thereports are not limited toany one denomination.They occur broadly acrossChristendom and remind usthat followers of Christ arenot immune to personalfailure, bad judgment, or abetrayal of public trust. Justas important, the storiesthat surface in the publicpress are only the tip of theiceberg. Followers of Christare as vulnerable as anyoneelse to a wide spectrum ofmental, emotional, andbehavioral problems.

Cover-up and denial do not make a problem goaway. Problems that areswept under the rug only

2


multiply the eventualdamage. Avoidance orminimization of the factsonly assures that when theproblem does surface, morepeople will be hurt and

disillusioned by behaviorthat has been allowed to goon without timely response.

When spiritual leadersor members of theircongregation are guilty of financial misconduct,marital unfaithfulness,dishonesty, or cover-up,they have an influence thatgoes far beyond themselves.When they fall, they bring

others down with them.Those who have looked to them for guidance oftenstumble and lose their ownway. They harm everyone in their circle of influence.They compromise thecredibility of the ministrythey represent. And worst of all, they damage thereputation of ChristHimself.

AVOIDINGCOMMONPITFALLS

PPeople in AlcoholicsAnonymous have a

saying: “Insanity isdoing the same thing overand over and expectingdifferent results.” We canbe our own worst enemy ifwe keep repeating mistakesof the past.

When it comes toapologies and forgiveness,there is a danger of walkingwell-worn paths into somecommon pitfalls. For

3

Avoidance orminimization of thefacts only assures

that when theproblem doessurface, more

people will be hurt.


example, we canmisunderstand whatconstitutes genuinerepentance and forgiveness.This results in conflictsbeing smoothed over butnot really resolved. Or in a desire to “forgive and forget,” we can fail tolovingly follow through with

necessary accountability.This can result in theoffenses being repeatedover and over—and thepain and disappointmentbeing repeated with them.

If we are to break the

patterns of past mistakes,we need to be morethoughtful about where we have been and wherewe are going.

CONSIDER PAST MISTAKES The following actual caseswill illustrate not only thescope of the problem butthe complexity that needsto be weighed and workedthrough in matters ofserious spiritual failure. Thenames and circumstanceshave been changed toprotect confidentiality.

The Workaholic.Hank grew up on a dairyfarm with a stern anddemanding father. His dadwoke him up at 4:30 everymorning to do milkingbefore leaving for school.There was no time afterschool to play or visit withfriends. The cows had to bemilked again, then it wastime for supper, homework,and back to bed.

4

If we are to breakthe patterns of

past mistakes, weneed to be morethoughtful aboutwhere we havebeen and where we are going.


Eventually he married a beautiful woman namedMary whom he met at Biblecollege. She was willing to support him in his desireto become a missionary.After being assigned to work for an internationalmission, Hank becameknown for his fortitude,persistence, and long hours. His personal drivekept him on whatever taskwas needed until it wasaccomplished.

Hank’s co-workers andmission administrators saw his drive as a highlyvalued strength. Invisible to him, though, was Mary’s growing loneliness anddissatisfaction. She wouldplead with him to limit hisactivities so he would havetime for the family, but tono avail. Her increasingresentment and depressiononly made Hank want tostay away longer. Shefinally became emotionallybroken to the point of

suicidal despair. So theyhad to leave the field.

Back home, Mary was prescribed medicationand counseling. Hank wasconfronted by the missiondirector for not paying more attention to Mary’sneeds, so he quickly askedfor Mary’s forgiveness andagreed that he would spendmore time with her and thechildren.

It didn’t take long,however, before he wasbusy traveling around thecountry doing importantwork for the mission andbecoming known as asuccessful recruiter atChristian colleges. Mary seemed to respondrapidly to medication and counseling. But withessential work to be doneback on the field, Maryterminated her counselingearly. She and Hank beganpreparing for their return totheir country of service.

Not surprisingly, it was 5


just a matter of monthsbefore Mary’s depressionreturned. One day, she tookan overdose of medicationand villagers found heralone and unconscious.

Hank’s case does not include the usual sins of sexual indiscretion,substance abuse, physicalabuse, or other dramaticmoral failures. Maryundoubtedly had issues of her own, but theproblems this couple had are as deeply rooted in Hank’s spiritual andemotional state as they maybe in hers. Until he is calledto a more sincere form ofrepentance, he is bound to fail over and over again.Hank needs to thoroughlyexamine and change hisworkaholic lifestyle. He alsoneeds to see the unresolvedpain from his own personalhistory and make a deepercommitment to therelational needs of hisfamily.

The Gambler. Berniewas considered by everyoneto be the most visionaryman on the church board.They knew that beforecoming to Christ he hadstruggled with a gamblingaddiction that had resultedin bankruptcy and the lossof his business. After hisconversion, some Christianmen had helped him to get started again in asmall business, which was now flourishing.

Over time, Bernie wasgiven access to churchfunds because he hadbusiness contacts whopromised a high rate ofreturn on the church’smoney. What Bernie didn’ttell them is that he hadagreed with a broker friendto invest the money insome high-risk stock-markettrades. He convincedhimself that this was goingto be the Lord’s way ofenabling the church to takeon a new building project.

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Bernie lost half thechurch’s money one day on a bad decision and anunexpected downturn of the market. To cover it up,he made an even worsedecision the next day thatcompletely destroyed all the monetary assets thechurch had.

Bernie was tearfullyapologetic when his actionswere uncovered. The eldersof the church were deeplytroubled by the loss. But in a spirit of forgiveness,they made no change in his duties. Unfortunately,Bernie’s gambling addictionre-emerged and became

worse as he engaged inonline casino betting andcovert visits to the racetrack. He eventually lost hisbusiness, his home, andalmost his marriage.

The Abuser. Sara had a voice that was clearand sincere. When shesang, it was as if angelswere hovering over thesanctuary. But no one knew that her marriage was unraveling and herchildren (ages 8, 5, and 2)were afraid of her. Hertemper tantrums would rage on into the night oversuch small matters as her 8-year-old son playing videogames after homeworkrather than practicing thepiano. When a teacherreported bruises on theboy’s arm to ProtectiveServices, Sara claimed they were from playfulroughhousing on the floor.Besides, what right didthese nonbelievers have to question her duties as

7

The light approach to

forgiveness oftenfails to resolve

genuine conflict.


a Christian mother? Thepastor didn’t believe thatSara would ever abuse herchildren, so he backed herup. Two weeks later, thepolice filed charges whenthe 2-year-old was broughtto the hospital unconscious.Little Tory never woke upfrom the violent shaking hehad received after soilinghis pants.

In each of these threecase studies, the stakes arehigh. For their own sakes,and for the well-being ofthose who depended onthem, Hank, Bernie, andSara needed more than aslap on the wrist. They also needed more thanloving words or bittercondemnation. With an eye on the dangers of superficial apologies and forgiveness, we’ll take a look now at the kind ofrestoration process thatgives such fallen brothersand sisters the bestopportunity for real change.

KEEP OUR GOAL IN VIEWThe process of restorationreferred to in this booklet is rooted in the scripturalcommand found inGalatians 6:1.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, youwho are spiritual shouldrestore him gently. Butwatch yourself, or youalso may be tempted.We will be

defining restoration in the following pages as “a process wherebymature followers of Christ help those who have betrayed the trust of their immediate family, church, or localcommunity to understandand acknowledge theirwrongs and the damagethey have done tothemselves and to others,resulting in such an innerchange that they will bereconciled to God and tothose they have harmed.”

8


If those who are offered such help refuse tocooperate with this process,the church may need toformally disassociate fromthem until they show anhonest change of heart (1 Cor. 5:11). Only whenthe wrongdoer agrees toparticipate can the processof loving restoration begin.

A Process Of Support AndAccountability Needs To Begin.Regardless of whether fallen persons are everagain considered forleadership or significantresponsibility, they remainmembers of Christ’s familyand need to be given thesame consideration wewould want for ourselves in a similar situation. They need to be loved andrespected through a difficultperiod of correction, growth,and change. As they onceled others, they now mustbe led in the spirit and

principles of Christ through an appropriate and carefully addressedprocess of accountabilityand restoration. Holdingthem responsible for theiractions and for the harm

they have done to others is what they need. Takingtheir wrongs seriously willalso help those who havebeen hurt by their actions.If the process of correctionand restoration is going to be effective, the wrongsdone need to be facedhonestly by both theoffending person and those affected.

Mature People Need To Be Enlisted.Those who are called on to

9

The process of restorationdeserves more

than a quick fix.


help with correction andrestoration must be peoplewho can do so lovingly,patiently, and firmly. Theymust know how to listenwith care and discernmentto both victims andoffenders. They need to bepeople who want to helprather than condemn. Intheir own lives, they needto have been humbled bytheir own weakness andfailings. Without suchmaturity, those who try to intervene and restore can end up doing moreharm than good.

To bring a helpfulattitude to the process, theymust be people who haveshown a pattern of relyingon the Spirit of God to dothrough them what theycannot do for themselves.They must be people whohave learned to trust God for daily guidance,empowerment, and themotivation to truly loveothers. Only if they

understand what it means to be broken andhumbled before God andothers will they be ableto help a fallen brother orsister through the painfulprocess of meaningfulconfession, forgiveness, and restoration.

With the need forrestoration in view, and theawareness that the processneeds careful thought andfollow-through, let’s take acloser look.

SUPERFICIALAPOLOGIES ANDFORGIVENESS

IIn theological circles, thesubjects of confessionand forgiveness have

been studied for manyyears. But more recently,the secular world ofcounseling has awakened to the therapeutic use offorgiveness as a techniqueof treatment. Members of the mental-health

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community have beendiscovering the benefits of meaningful apology,forgiveness, and restoration.All too often, however, both secular and religiouscommunities have made the same mistake of movingtoo quickly to the benefitsof forgiveness.

THE DANGER OFSUPERFICIALITYIn the past, many secularcounselors viewed thespiritual practice of apologyand forgiveness as asimplistic and overly-religious ritual that shouldbe avoided in the process of helping people to dealrealistically with theirproblems. Such practitionersbelieved that the act offorgiving others was really a psychological defense to deny anger. Manycounselors believed that this defense kept underlyingrage from ever being fullyexpressed or resolved.

In many ways, the secular community was right. The casualrepentance and forgivenessthat is often encouraged inreligious circles is morelikely to be a part of theproblem than a part of thesolution. What passes forforgiveness (or an apology)is too often marked bysuperficiality. Instead of honestly dealing with

the roots of the problemand the resulting damage,the parties often use ashallow understanding ofwhat the Bible says aboutforgiveness to smooth overtheir conflict.

11

What passes forforgiveness (or an

apology) is toooften marked by

superficiality.


THE DANGER OF DENIALThere are at least six areasof denial that can occurwhen someone wronglywounds another person orpersons. The counselor orany other caregiver woulddo well to keep these areasin mind for two reasons: • Denial can occur in

the wrongdoer, theperson or personswronged, or both.

• Denial can undercut the sincerity andmeaningfulness of either the apology or theforgiveness by trying tosmooth over the realityof what happened. If both parties are

willingly seeking a genuine reconciliation, the wrongdoer and theperson wronged could bebrought together at anappropriate time in thehealing process to addressthese issues in parallel. Ifonly one party seeks to

apologize or to forgive, eachof these six areas of denialshould still be addressed.

When God forgives, He addresses truth in each of the following:

1. Denial Of Reality. When a wrong has occurred, what actuallyhappened? Like a newsreporter, we should honestlyand completely investigatethe who, what, when,where, why, and how. Whenchildren are confronted witha wrong, all too quickly theytry to get away with suchexcuses as, “It didn’thappen,” or “It didn’thappen that way,” eventhough it did! Sometimeseven when we are the oneswronged, we don’t admit to ourselves that it hasreally happened. I’ve heard women explain theirbruises or black eyes as anaccident rather than admittheir husband really didviciously attack them.

Forgiveness and 12


apologies are not aboutbrushing away the truthand pretending somethingdidn’t happen. God’s Wordcommands each of us to“put off falsehood andspeak truthfully to hisneighbor” (Eph. 4:25). Even when it reveals ourguilt, the beginning point to restoration is truthfullyadmitting what actuallyoccurred.

2. Denial OfWrongdoing. Most, butcertainly not all, acts thatwound another physically,emotionally, or spiritually

involve some attitude of the heart that says, “Imatter and you don’t.”Jesus’ Golden Rule, “Do to others as you wouldhave them do to you” (Lk.6:31), establishes the moralprinciple that others domatter, just as we do.

Too often we are quick to say, “I did itbecause . . .” or “It wasn’tso bad,” when we don’twant to admit we are guiltyof violating an ethical ormoral standard—whetherit’s a scriptural principle, a civil law, a personalagreement, or the innatesense of justice that Godhas written in our hearts.Honesty demands that thewrongdoer admit he or shedid the wrong. The Bibletells us that God expects us to confess our sins toHim (1 Jn. 1:9). So a trueconfession demands that we admit it was a choice to do wrong, not somethingthat couldn’t be helped.

13

Even when itreveals our guilt,

the beginning pointto restoration is

truthfully admittingwhat actually

occurred.


Personal responsibility is essential. Otherwise,continued repetition of the wrong is likely.

3. Denial Of Pain.When a wrong has beendone, both the wrongdoerand the person wrongedmay try to minimize thehurt. “He’s just toosensitive,” “That didn’t hurt that bad,” or somepersonal insult such as,“You big baby!” are oftenways of denying thephysical or emotional painthat the wounded person is really experiencing.

People get really good at denying their pain whenthey are children becausethey are often told by adultsto stop crying and grow up.Physical damage can oftenheal fairly quickly, butpeople can be broken insidefor a lifetime. They may noteven admit it to themselves,but they may have anxietyor depression because of abroken bond of trust, a poor

model of authority when they were young,divisiveness in anorganization, or any of many other ways thatpeople can become bothexternally and internallywounded.

In the end, one thing is clear—the pain we areseeking to ignore isundeniably real.

4. Denial Of Anger.Religious people often usethis defense as a means ofmaintaining their own senseof moral superiority. “I’mnot angry” is often a way to hide the vengeful ragethat is harbored inside theperson who is wronged.“You shouldn’t be soangry!” is a not-so-subtleway of blaming the victim.

Anger is a God-givenemotion that can energizeus to confront wrongdoersand seek justice. Ascreatures made in Hisimage, we all have areflection of His

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emotional character withinus. This includes anger.Paul’s admonition “Do not take revenge, myfriends, but leave room forGod’s wrath” (Rom. 12:19)assumes that we feel anurge to do just that. Helater wrote, “In your angerdo not sin” (Eph. 4:26).

We must all face thereality that when we arewronged, we have a longingto see the other person hurtto at least the same degreethat we experienced our ownpain. The truth is, however,we all need and deserveGod’s anger and correction.

The person who wounded us is certainly deserving ofpunishment. But we mustremember that in our stead,God’s wrath was redirectedtoward the Innocent One,the Lord Jesus Christ, in Hisdeath on the cross.

Although we can rightlybe angry, it is not our job asbelievers to seek vengeance(Rom. 12:19).

5. Denial Of MutualHumanity. In our ragetoward a person who hurtus, or in our contempt ofourselves when we were the wrongdoer, there isoften the assumption thatsomeone in the conflict isall good and the other is all bad.

Author and counselorLewis Smedes states thatthe first step in forgivinganother person isrediscovering the humanityof the one who hurt us.This is not in any wayminimizing or justifying the wrong done or the

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Anger is a God-given emotionthat can energize

us to confrontwrongdoers and

seek justice.


personal responsibility ofthe wrongdoer. Nor does it diminish the justice ofgetting what we deserve. It does, however, reveal theuniversal dependence weall have on the mercy ofGod as well as the mercy of one another. None of uscan honestly claim to becompletely innocent all the time.

This understanding of our common humanfrailty can help us practiceempathy—the act of puttingourselves in the place of theother person. Empathy isessential for not only thehealing of the person whodid the wrong but also forthe person who waswronged.

Christian researcher and counselor EverettWorthington teaches that this empathy is themost essential part offorgiveness—and thehardest. It is the willingness to look at

the act of someone who has done something terrible to you, and see it from that person’s point of view. It reminds us that we are likewise capable ofmistreating others—andsometimes do. We all needGod’s (and one another’s)forgiveness of our “debts, as we also have forgivenour debtors” (Mt. 6:12).

6. Denial Of ThePotential For FurtherAbuse. “Forgive andforget” is an attempt tocreate the false illusion thatonce forgiveness is offered,everything is instantly okayand should immediately go

16

Empathy is the most

essential part of forgiveness—and the hardest.


back to the way it was. This only fosterscontinued destructivebehavior patterns on thepart of both the wrongdoerand the one wronged.

In Hebrews 12:4-11, weread of the Lord’s disciplineof the one He loves (v.6).This is distinct from God’swrath and punishment. In healthy restoration, thefocus is not on past wrongsbut on future change. Itbrings life, not death.

In 1 Samuel 19, there isan interesting example ofhow David avoided futureabuse by King Saul. Davidhad been anointed to be thenext king by the prophetSamuel, but he had not yetbeen crowned. Saul, thecurrent king, called David tohis palace, saying that hewanted David to soothe himwith the harp. But Saul’s realdesire was to slay David outof jealousy because thepeople were praising Davidmore highly than they were

their king. David did not stayaround to accept this abuse.Instead, he escaped fromSaul’s men who had beencommanded to seize him.

At that moment in time,Saul continued to have thedivine authority of kingship,but David did not submit to this potential wrongfuland dangerous abuse. Yet, neither did he act out of revenge. Herepeatedly walked awayfrom opportunities to kill Saul and his men (1 Sam. 24:5-7; 26:9).

David’s self-preservationby fleeing in the face of realdanger, while at the sametime refusing to yield to theurge to retaliate, could be a model for dealing withabusive people in our ownrelationships. David clearlysaw the implications ofraising his hand againstGod’s anointed, yet herefused to allow Saul to continue with hisdestructive behavior.

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Deep and profoundchange would have beenrequired of Saul before anyreconciliation could havebeen considered. But heeventually died withoutever sincerely repenting of his wrongdoing.

Unfortunately, each of these areas of denialcarries with it two things:(1) the inability ofcorrecting wrong behavior,and (2) the probability ofprolonging the acts ofwrongdoing. Denial mayappear to be the path out of pain, but it is not. It is aroad blanketed in fog andconfusion.

When we are wronged,we must find a better way—

a way that begins to put ourfeet on the road to healingand restoration.

FOLLOWING ABIBLICAL MODELOF FORGIVENESS

AAcharacter on atelevision drama had lived through

the anguish of the murderof his mother. Because ofthis, a friend asked him ifhe approved of capitalpunishment. The question was put this way: “Would you want the government to kill your mother’s murderer?”His response was calm, butcalculated. “No,” he said, “Iwould want to do it myself.”

When we are wronged,our natural tendency is todesire revenge. We may callit justice, but far too oftenwe are really seekingvengeance.

That may be what we want, but it is not a

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Denial may appear to be thepath out of pain,

but it is not.


solution that brings healingto our devastated hearts.How can we move out ofour human tendencies andinto Christlike responses?

THE CHALLENGEOF BIBLICALFORGIVENESS Up to this point, some maythink we have relied more on psychological insight thanScripture. They could fairlyask, “Wait a minute! Youtalk about denial and otherissues, but didn’t Christclearly and directly teach us to forgive those who sinagainst us? Didn’t He tell usin Matthew 6:15 that if wedon’t forgive others, neitherwould His Father in heavenforgive us?”

This is a common viewof Christ’s words, and itraises serious questions that force us to consider ourresponses to mistreatment: • If Christ told us to

forgive, how can we talk about holding out

for a change of heart? • If we do withhold

forgiveness, how do we resolve the feelings of anger and resentmentthat remain?

• If we don’t forgive, howcan we keep from beingeaten up by our ownbitterness?

• And, at the very heart ofthe issue, what really isbiblical forgivenessanyway?

We must allow thesequestions to drive us to theScriptures. It is there thatwe find the answers and thecomfort offered to us by thetrue Shepherd of our hearts.

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Didn’t Christ clearly and directly

teach us to forgive those who

sin against us?


THE CHALLENGETO UNDERSTANDTHE SCRIPTURESA good place to begin is by reading one of our Lord’s own statements aboutforgiveness. In Luke 17:1-4,Jesus said to His disciples:

Things that cause peopleto sin are bound to come,but woe to that personthrough whom they come.It would be better for himto be thrown into the seawith a millstone tiedaround his neck than for him to cause one ofthese little ones to sin. Sowatch yourselves. If yourbrother sins, rebuke him,and if he repents, forgivehim. If he sins againstyou seven times in a day,and seven times comesback to you and says, “I repent,” forgive him.With all the previous

questions still fresh in ourminds, this text raises twovery basic questions thatare vital to our practice of

biblical forgiveness andgenuine restoration.

The Question Of Confrontation And ConditionalForgiveness. First, if ourLord wanted us always tounilaterally forgive thosewho harm us, then why didHe say in this teaching,“Rebuke [lovingly confront]him, and if he repents,forgive him”? If we can setaside, for the moment, thequestion of how to get rid of our anger when theoffending person doesn’thave a change of heart, it is clear that Jesus’ teachinghere is consistent with other scriptures. Notice:

If your brother sinsagainst you, go and showhim his fault, just betweenthe two of you. If helistens to you, you havewon your brother over. Butif he will not listen, takeone or two others along,so that “every matter maybe established by the

20


testimony of two or threewitnesses.” If he refuses tolisten to them, tell it to thechurch; and if he refusesto listen even to thechurch, treat him as youwould a pagan or a taxcollector (Mt. 18:15-17).

This isn’t seen just in the teaching of Christ.According to the Bible,God’s own example is to forgive us when weacknowledge our wrongsand express our trust in HisSon. Look, for example, attwo important areas of God’sdealings with people:

The Conditions For Salvation. “The taxcollector stood at a distance.He would not even look up to heaven, but beat hisbreast and said, ‘God, havemercy on me, a sinner.’ I tellyou that this man . . . wenthome justified before God.For everyone who exaltshimself will be humbled,and he who humbleshimself will be exalted” (Lk. 18:13-14).

Jesus’ parable of the taxcollector is a reminder thatonly when we acknowledgeour spiritual failure canforgiveness of sins occur.

The Conditions ForGod’s Forgiveness. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from allunrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9).

The apostle Johnaffirmed that sins thatdisrupt our personalrelationship with God can be resolved only by

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God’s own example is

to forgive us whenwe acknowledgeour wrongs andexpress our trust

in His Son.


confession—agreeing with Him about our wrongactions and turning fromthem.

In both cases, God’s forgiveness isconditional, dependent on the acknowledgment of wrongdoing by thesinning individual.

This principle is clearlyseen in what Jesus said toone of the two criminalswho was crucified alongsideHim. One of the criminalsmocked and taunted Jesus.The other acknowledged hissins and asked Jesus toremember him when Hecame into His kingdom. Itwas to the second man thatJesus offered comfort andforgiveness when He said,“Today you will be with Mein paradise” (Lk. 23:43). No such hope was offeredto the unrepentant criminal.

The Question OfUnconditional Love.Second, if God’s offer offorgiveness is conditional,

does that mean His love is conditional as well? Here the answer is clearlyno. While God has aspecial affection for those who repent of theirsins, He loves everyoneunconditionally. This is thewonderful assurance thatJesus used when He taughtHis disciples to love notonly their friends but alsotheir enemies.

Repeating this point,Jesus said:

Woe to you when all menspeak well of you, for thatis how their fatherstreated the false prophets.But I tell you who hearMe: Love your enemies,do good to those whohate you, bless those whocurse you, pray for thosewho mistreat you. Ifsomeone strikes you onone cheek, turn to himthe other also. If someonetakes your cloak, do notstop him from taking yourtunic. Give to everyone

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who asks you, and ifanyone takes whatbelongs to you, do notdemand it back. Do toothers as you would havethem do to you.

If you love those wholove you, what credit isthat to you? Even“sinners” love those wholove them. And if you dogood to those who aregood to you, what creditis that to you? Even“sinners” do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expectrepayment, what credit is that to you? Even“sinners” lend to“sinners,” expecting to berepaid in full. But loveyour enemies, do good tothem, and lend to themwithout expecting to getanything back. Then yourreward will be great, andyou will be sons of theMost High, because He iskind to the ungratefuland wicked. Be merciful,

just as your Father ismerciful (Lk. 6:26-36).The words of the Savior

are a reminder of the verynature and character of God the Father. Whileunconditional love is theheartbeat of His passion forpeople, God’s perfectcharacter also requires thatsin be resolved—not glossedover or excused. It was thissame passion that madeHim willing to send His Sonto the cross to make trueforgiveness possible. Thatis unconditional love.

This unconditional loveis the key to all that followshere. Seeking the highestgood of another is the testfor deciding when to forgiveand when to lovinglywithhold forgiveness, whento forgive and move on, andwhen to confront and godeep—deep into the heartof the one who did thewrong as well as deep intothe heart of the one whowas wronged.

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STARTINGPOINTS FORBIBLICALFORGIVENESS

IIt has been said that we are never more like God than when we

forgive. If this is true, thenit is not enough just to gothrough the motions. Wemust engage ourselves inthe task of forgiveness withthe same tenacity and thesame priorities that GodHimself exhibits.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Country singerRebecca Lynn Howard, inher hit song titled “Forgive,”sings in response to beinghurt and betrayed by herlover. She rejects his pleafor forgiveness with blunthonesty: “Forgive. That’s amighty big word from sucha small man—and I don’tthink I can.”

In our own strength, we can’t. It is very hard to forgive, especially if we

intend to pattern ourforgiveness after God’smodel. The basis forpracticing this difficult butmeaningful approach toforgiveness, however, canbe found in a value systemborn in the pages of theBible. These values give usa place to begin.

Forgiveness AlwaysBegins In The HeartOf God. He is theultimate example of what it means to move beyondvengeance toward the oneguilty of causing harm. It isGod who takes the initiativeto remove debts that are nolonger owed.

Even for God, such 24

It has been saidthat we are never

more like God thanwhen we forgive.


forgiveness would not beright and just if it were notfor His plan to accept theshed blood of Christ as fullpayment for the legal debtof a repentant wrongdoer.This principle is seen inHebrews 9:22, which says:

The law requires thatnearly everything becleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.In order to truly forgive

another person in a waythat pleases and honorsGod, we must identify withChrist and His forgiveness,be motivated by His love,and be willing to follow His model of self-sacrifice.This forgiveness involvestwo different kinds ofmotivation that come from the heart:• The primary motivation

to forgive should befaithful trust in God (Mt. 18:21-22; Lk. 17:3-4; Eph. 4:32).

• The secondarymotivation should be a loving concern for the wrongdoer. On the basis of God’s

own example, we are askedto offer forgiveness to oneanother in response to aconfession of wrong (Lk.17:1-4, 1 Jn. 1:9). This iswhat godly love inspires.Releasing offenders from the wrong they have doneallows them to move past their guilt and thealienation they havecaused.

Such forgiveness does not rule outaccountability and follow-through. Nor does it release us from activelyparticipating in a process of restoration aimed atfostering meaningful changein relationship and growthin character. It merely triesto deal with wrong in a waythat reflects the lovingconcerns of the heavenlyFather.

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Forgiveness Should Not BeLimited To SparingThe Wrongdoer FromPain. Godly correction andrestoration are often verypainful. In the book ofHebrews, we are given alengthy but vital reminderof how the love of theFather is often expressed inpain—pain that is designedto bring us to correctionand right choices.

You have forgotten thatword of encouragementthat addresses you assons: “My son, do notmake light of the Lord’sdiscipline, and do notlose heart when Herebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and Hepunishes everyone Heaccepts as a son.” Endurehardship as discipline;God is treating you assons. For what son is notdisciplined by his father?If you are not disciplined

(and everyone undergoesdiscipline), then you areillegitimate children andnot true sons. Moreover,we have all had humanfathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How muchmore should we submit to the Father of our spiritsand live! Our fathersdisciplined us for a littlewhile as they thoughtbest; but God disciplinesus for our good, that we may share in Hisholiness. No disciplineseems pleasant at thetime, but painful. Lateron, however, it produces a harvest of righteousnessand peace for those whohave been trained by it(Heb. 12:5-11). Some might ask,

“If God really loves us,wouldn’t He seek to protectus and shield us frompain?” The answer is, “Notnecessarily.” Because He is both infinitely wise and

26


thoroughly good, He knowsthat sometimes it is in theclassroom of pain that welearn life’s most valuablelessons. God’s chastening is not done out ofcapriciousness or mindlessanger. It is done because itis needed to benefit andcorrect wrongdoers, not todestroy them.

Forgiveness BringsBenefits To The OneWho Forgives. Whenhealthy and appropriateforgiveness is offered, itbrings significant benefits tothe person who forgives andto the one being forgiven.

Recent research byRobert Enright reveals thatthere are measurable andlong-lasting emotionalimprovements resultingfrom the meaningfulforgiveness of a wrongdoer.There is additional researchdemonstrating that thereare also significant physicalbenefits when people learnhow to truly forgive.

If, however, forgivenessis offered only to gain thesebenefits, it merely becomesanother form of selfishmanipulation.

It could be compared to volunteering to serve at a downtown mission just toget a free meal for yourself.There is nothing wrong with eating the free meal,but love and concern forthe needy should be theparamount motivation.

Selfishly motivatedforgiveness is not rooted in agape love. Agape love, a reflection of God’s perfectlove, seeks the welfare of

27

There aresignificant physical

benefits whenpeople learn howto truly forgive.


the person loved—evenwhen it means entering into painful honesty.

THE PROCESS OF RESTORATION

IIn the popular movieBack To The Future,George McFly spent

his entire youth beingbullied by Biff. As an adult, he continued to allow himself to be awalking punching bag—and punchline—to those he knew. When asked why he submitted to suchabuse, George meeklyresponded, “I can’t standconfrontation.”

Very few people can.There are not many peoplewho enjoy confrontation. It is just plain hard.

In spite of that,confrontation is absolutelynecessary to a scripturalprocess of correction andrestoration. When there hasbeen a profound betrayal

of trust, there must be a willingness to lovinglyconfront. We cannot affordto pass lightly over theimportant issues of

confession of wrong, sincereregret, acknowledgment ofthe need for forgiveness, a desire to change, andspecific steps to begin carrying out that change.

What does the processof restoration look like?

Step 1: We MustLove Enough To TakeA Risk. The process willnot be easy. It will requirethe assistance of wise,loving, and courageous

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Confrontation is absolutely

necessary to ascriptural process

of correction and restoration.


people—people willing torisk getting involved. It alsorequires that we surrenderour will to the timing andwork of the Holy Spirit.

Step 2: We MustCare Enough To TestThe Heart. Sincereforgiveness (as we have described it) is aresponse to the apology of wrongdoers and theirlonging for a renewedrelationship.

Healthy forgiveness alsoinvolves forsaking all sixareas of denial (see pages12-18). It acknowledges thewrong and our own naturaldesire for revenge, and thenturns that longing over toGod and replaces it withloving concern for what isbest for all.

Sincere forgiveness is willing to enter into aprocess of correction for the wrongdoer as long as it does not give that person the opportunity to perpetuate the wrong.

Step 3: We Must Be Obedient EnoughTo Follow The BiblicalPattern. When denial inall its forms is forsaken, and vengeance has been replaced by love,forgiveness and apologiescan begin to be genuineand meaningful. This then

leads to church and familydiscipline, which, whendone scripturally, is an actof love and concern for thewrongdoer.

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When denial in all its forms isforsaken, andvengeance has

been replaced bylove, forgiveness

and apologies canbegin to be genuine

and meaningful.


Jesus Christ, the Head of the church, described His pattern for correction in Matthew 18:15-17.

If your brother sinsagainst you, go and showhim his fault, just betweenthe two of you. If helistens to you, you havewon your brother over.But if he will not listen,take one or two othersalong, so that “everymatter may be establishedby the testimony of two or three witnesses.” If herefuses to listen to them,tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen evento the church, treat himas you would a pagan or a tax collector. This process is designed

primarily to restore thewrongdoer in the followingthree areas: • First, to full fellowship

within a local body ofbelievers.

• Second, to his or herimmediate family.

• Third, and mostimportant, to a rightrelationship with Christ. These are ultimate goals,

not short-term Band-Aids. A restored relationship withthose who have woundedus is possible, but it canonly be achieved by a lovethat is faithful enough toapply the wisdom of theBible to the hearts of thosewho hurt others.

Step 4: We Must Be CommittedEnough To MaintainAccountability. Thosewho are the subject of a restoration process need to be willing to beaccountable to someoneover them.

No plan or processprovides an absolutely sureway to get someone backon the path of spiritualgrowth and ethical living.Nor can we assure therestoration of broken andhurting relationships. Wecan only provide a means

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by which we can begin tomove toward these endsunder the leading of theHoly Spirit. It is as much a spiritual journey for thosedoing the correction as it isfor the one being restored.

The pattern is clear: Reallove longs for the bettermentof another person. Thiscauses a person to careenough to get involved inpracticing Christ’s process ofcorrection and then holdingthe wrongdoer accountablefor future choices. Suddenly,there is the opportunity forwhat has been broken to bemade whole.

WHY DOESGENUINERESTORATIONMATTER SOMUCH?

TThe Bible makes itclear that we havebeen created for

relationship—with God andwith one another. When therelationships that form ourlives are broken because of wrongful acts, genuineconfession and lovingforgiveness are the firststeps toward repairing those relationships. Thisrequires us to be honestwith ourselves and witheach other. It can bedifficult—but genuine lovecan settle for nothing less.

Why? Is the path of painso necessary in such casesof hurt and heartache? Yes, it’s important to see brokenrelationships healed. It’salso critical that we seehearts set free from

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Restoration is asmuch a spiritualjourney for those

doing the correctionas it is for the one

being restored.


bitterness (when havingbeen hurt) or guilt (whenhaving hurt others).

There is another reason,however. As members ofGod’s family, we are calledto represent Him in theworld. The apostle Paul put it this way:

We are therefore Christ’sambassadors, as thoughGod were making Hisappeal through us. Weimplore you on Christ’sbehalf: Be reconciled toGod (2 Cor. 5:20).As His representatives,

we are to model Hischaracter and His ways in our dealings with one another—including an honest and genuine means for restoring broken relationships.

When we do this, we domore than heal the hurtingand bind the wounded. Wedo more than absolve guiltor relieve bitterness. In fact,we put God’s perfect loveon display—a love that

is deep, fair, just, anddetermined to move ustoward His good desires for us.

Though Paul’s words are in the context ofevangelism, it is significantthat they are also in thecontext of reconciliation.That is the point. When we engage in a ministry ofrestoration, we act as God’sambassadors and reveal Hislove to a watching world.

The vocal group 4Him, in their song “Visible,”expressed this privilege andresponsibility this way: “Tomake You known, to makeYou seen, to be Your hands,to be Your feet. I want to bea revelation of love. I wantto make the invisible Godvisible.”

We must be committed to making God visible as we live out His model forgenuine restoration.

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avoiding the dangers of superficial forgiveness

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