avoiding the pitfalls of family communication!

AVOIDING THE PITFALLS OF FAMILY COMMUNICATION

Managing Angry, Passive Aggressive,and Emotionally Abusive Behaviors at Home

DR. NORA FEMENIA

AVOIDING THE PITFALLS OF FAMILY COMMUNICATION

What is a family for?

Let’s remember the basics:

A family is a group based on love and solidarity, to help each other survive and thrive in life.

What is the main task of a family?

To provide timely solutions for the basic needs of children growing up, so they survive, and to provide for the couple’s needs for emotional support

And what are those human needs?

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Family Communication / Creative Conflict Resolutions 2016 -

Human needs along life:

Needs Pyramid:


Human needs are the engine of life:

A family is the place where to solve human needs:

A baby survives having security and comfort provided by family

He needs to explore the world; but to be important for her family (significance)

Later on finding love and connection will allow the young person to grow

And develop and grow into an adult.


Human needs are important because

The way we fulfill them shapes a person’s brain for ever!

The very basic need is being received when birth in a loving group that solves needs such as: feeding, warmth, a secure routine, constant attention...This is “security and comfort” so we can grow up and learn.

We need adults around to guarantee our survival, and also give us a mind that trusts life and others. Later on, we need adults to explain life to us, with words and feelings, so we trust that life is good.


Attachment determines our life attitude:

We all have our life attitudes shaped by the connection with our first caretakers. Attachment depends on the quality of care we received when we were born. If the toddler could express the feelings, the words would be similar to:

Insecure: “I’m afraid of being abandoned, hurt or rejected by others”

Avoidant: “I don’t need others to care for me, finally I can survive alone”

Secure: “I can take whatever appears, because I know I’m loved and secure”

So, you can have a life of mistrust or a life of loving connection depending on how your brain was shaped by attachment!

.Avoiding the Pitfalls of Family Communication / Creative Conflict Resolutions 2016 -

Focus on your own family, now:

(Cards will be distributed)

Now, look at the cards and try to identity your spouse/kids pattern:

Do you find early losses? Estrangement, or parental absence? Being left alone, away from family because of sickness or accident? This fact has taught the child to be wary and not to trust that others will love, protect or support him...

But the child doesn’t know why he is afraid, upset, lonely...we need to speak and give words to name feelings and situations.


Insecure people fight a lot!

Why insecure people have to fight a lot?

Because they need to be told they are accepted, loved, appreciated...as many times as they need to feel secure and loved. Family fights have at their core the need to receive positive confirmation from other members of the family.

Now that you know that your child has insecure attachment, and his brain needs to fight a lot to feel more secure in the family (or given attention, or love, or time...)

How do you respond to that need?


How to use attachment in daily life:

Each time a child is fearful, it is not because this dog is terribly scary:

Is because this kid needs reassurance to face facts of life, like dogs...

If you remember the fact that you are helping the child to overcome an insecure attachment, you know that rewards are big!

As much as you praise and comfort the child, he/she will become more secure; “no need to be afraid of this dog now, it reminds you of other situations when you were little and helpless, but now you are older, and we are together...”

When you develop this trust in your child, it is for life!


How to frame conflicts?

Each time you have a conflict with someone, consider this dispute as a signal that this person is frustrated in one need or more, (from the pyramid):

Even if the person attacks you, don’t be fast to answer with another attack, don’t see the attack as personal, but keep the thought:

WHAT IS HER/HIS NEED?

Is there something this person needs from me now, and I’m not providing?


Angry behavior:

How do you know it is angry behavior:

Person acts upset, yelling and accusing you of something real or imaginary:

How to stop it:

Say: “Wait a minute, let me understand you...what is missing that makes you so angry? What do you need now that you are not getting from me?

If you calm down a bit, I can work with you in the solution...”


Passive aggressive behavior

How do you know it:

Person acts withdrawn, resists invitations, has negative attitude, cold shoulder or

sabotages your initiatives:

How to stop it:

Say: “I get that you are upset, but can’t see clearly why...do you care to tell me, so I can offer some solution? What is missing now from your life, that gets you so upset you can’t tell me about it? I’m listening”


Emotionally abusive behavior

How do you know it is abusive:

Person says hurtful comments, negative attitude, always putting others down, acts as if having no empathy towards other people’s pain:

How to stop it:

“This is a family and we care for each other...I understand that you can feel hurt, resentful or angry against any one of us...If we can talk for a while, perhaps I can help you to solve your frustration, so you feel better and you can be more positive towards others?”


Healing Practices at Home

PRACTICE 1

Consider each dispute at home as a call for attention, from a human need that is not fulfilled:

Ask: what is what you need now?

If the child doesn’t have the words, ask: would you like more attention? Or time?

Then, Listen carefully and repeat the child’s words: Have I understood you?


Healing Practices at HomePractice 2:

Reflect out loud your feelings, so kids learn to express their own needs:

“This time I feel really sad because...”

“What makes me more hopeful is to see...”

“I feel compassion because people are hurting near us”.

“What is it that worries you: are you feeling sad? Or lonely?”


Healing Practices at Home:

Practice 3:

When there is a conflict, practice fair fighting with your spouse or the kids.

STEPS: follow the steps on your copy of the book: “Fair Fighting”

REVIEW: what is more easy for you to do? Can you do listening with ease?

TEACH: “See, this is what we can do next time to have good conversations”


Your ebook:

How to get more help solving family conflicts?Dr Nora Femenia

[email protected]

Creative Conflict Resolutions,

http://conflictcoach.me

(1) 954 607 2183


mailto:[email protected]

avoiding the pitfalls of family communication!

Leadership & Management