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16 The Pioneer Log february 3, 2012Backdoor

TOAST ROAST OF THE WEEK:

INSTITUTIONAL EXTORTIONYou Caught My Eye 

 Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum?Email a “You Caught My Eye” to piolog@gmail.com

 All farticles written in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Don’t take them seriously because they don’t take you seriously. Seriously. Oh, wanna do a comic or shower us with compliments? Contact Erin Ruprecht or Marcia Belsky.

THIS WEEK’S COMIC: Created by Dmitri Alvarado, Illustrated by Abi Olvera

 You: Beautiful bespectacled trivia mavenMe: Hoping you know the correctanswer to me asking you out.

 You: Sexy golfer girl

Me: Trying to think of a cutesy sexualmetaphor that doesn’t involve putting my balls in your hole. Coee sometime?

 You: e Bon serving rice and beans atevery single mealMe: I haven’t even moved o campus yet. Why am I paying $8 for this when $8 isenough to buy enough rice and beans tofeed me for a week?

They say that it’s the little things in life that matter, and in terms of ripping you off, Lewis & Clarkseems to have taken this idea to heart. Let’s just get started, shall we? This rant is long overdue.

It’s no secret that tuition is ridiculously high. In fairness, this is something every student isprepared for before they enroll. Yet, despite arguably outrageous tuition prices, LC also makesa point to nickel and dime you at every possible opportunity. LC is like your wealthy friend that

smokes a pack a week but never seems to have their own cigarettes, the type of friend that asksto borrow money and then spends $40 on Tanqueray right in front of you because Seagram’s is

beneath them.The prime example of LC’s miserly tendencies has to be this year’s reprehensible change instudents’ printing balances. It’s not the money, it’s the principle. You were smart about your

print balance for four years only to be informed this year, with no forewarning, that the system

had changed. Good thing you worked during the summer; now you can pay out of pocket forsomething that should have already been yours. Did the old system really cost you that much, LC?Or did you just realize that, either way, students are going to have to print things, so you might as

well exploit them to the fullest? You’re a dick, LC, and you were raised better than that.We pay $165 for parking passes each semester only to find that there is no parking. Want to sellback the brand new $260 textbook that you bought for a class you ended up dropping anyways?Aw, shucks. You’re a day too late and they’ve already ordered the new edition for next term. Yes,

the edition you bought was just published this year, but the three footnotes added to this newedition are imperative. SooooOOOOOoooorrryyyy.

Upset about being forced to live on campus for two years? Well, hopefully you’ll feel better whenwe charge you $100 in room fees at the end of the year for that sticker you forgot to peel off of 

your desk. How about dropping a few thousand on a forced meal plan as well? No? Well, that’s ok.You can always sign a petition to get out of it. We’ll deny the petition… but you can always appeal!

We’ll deny the appeal, but…Did you get caught drinking on campus like the atypical, hedonistic college student you are?

Go ahead and pay for the Alcohol and Drug Awareness classes that you are required to take aspunishment. Are you a part time student? Sorry, no financial aid for you.

How do you trust an administrative network that views students as faceless cash cows? You can’t.If the best things in life are free, LC is just about the shittiest thing ever. I like this school. I like

my friends. I like my professors. But don’t expect money from me as an alum. I’ve given enough.

 You: People putting the Macs in Dubachon the PC settingMe: WTF, seriously? ere is a PC labliterally right next door.

 You: Dreamy freshman senatorMe: Wanting to table you before I graduate.

 You: Cute… but stinky…

Me: Admiring you from afar.

 You: Volvo driving Cali boy Me: Ready to hop on that wagon, if you’re willing to stain that interior.

 You: Makin’ the freshest beats on thisside of the WillametteMe: Feeling them inside me.

LC Communication 101: Learning to translate your peers

If I had to think of one way to ensure anapathetic and miserable existence, it wouldbe to take people’s words at face value. Inorder to survive anywhere in this world,you must rst learn to recognize all formsof manipulation and social engineering.en, having grasped them, master themfor yourself. e more foolhardy of ourpeers make the fatal mistake of viewingour student body as being on the wholegenuinely interested in the collectivebetterment of the human race. e moreobservant, however, will notice that thecity in which we live has inspired a populartelevision show whose entire success isbased upon the Portland population’sshameless penchant for meticulously constructed countercultural identities. Inthe interest of transparency, a cause that Icare about solely because of its salience tothe LC liberal agenda, this article seeks toexpose the hidden motives of our seemingly innocent everyday interactions.

 What they say : You should come check outmy vinyl collection some time.

 What they mean: I have a basic enoughunderstanding of biology to recognize my lack of mateable traits and am thereforecompensating by amassing a heap of aected idiosyncrasies in order to create theillusion of status.

 What they say : How far are you on thatpaper?

 What they mean: I am attempting torationalize my procrastination and view you as my equal in underachieving. Or,alternatively, I am an insecure overachieverseeking validation through the shame of my inferiors.

 What they say : Oh, there’s a party on theHill? Cool.

 What they mean: Your plans for theevening do not excite me, and I fail tond you interesting enough to invite youalong on my own exploits. Your completedisregard for glamour and exclusivity isappalling.

 What they say : When I was in [insertcountry with predominantly non-whitepopulation here]…

 What they mean: Going abroad for asemester eased my white guilt enough forme to behave sanctimoniously toward all who don’t know how to correctly pronounce

the menu items at ethnic restaurants. I’m solucky to be this culturally aware.

 What they say : Oh my god, we haven’thung out in such a long time! What are youdoing tonight?

 What they mean: I recognize that you havetoo much self-respect to allow yourself to beblatantly used as a means to an end, so I amappealing to our sense of kinship in order toconceal my need for your automobile.

 What they say : My mom is a feminist. What they mean: Ugh, I hate having to jump through all these politically correcthurdles just to get a fucking blowjob. HaveI shown you enough respect for you to sleep with me yet? What they say : Yeah, [insert widely belovedindie rock album here] is okay, but it’snowhere near as good as their earlier EP’s.

 What they mean: Hours spent browsingPitchfork has taught me that the inherentvirtue of most albums is to be found intheir obscurity. When I feel myself beginto wince at the high-pitched screechingand atonal melodies characteristic of many bands’ early albums, I just remember that9.8 Pitchfork review.

 What they say : What do you mean youhaven’t watched all of [Party Down / TwinPeaks / Mad Men / Arrested Development  /etc.]?

 What they mean: I am ashamed of all of the time I waste watching TV shows onNetix. My only means of reasserting theintellectual high ground is to make you feeluncultured, even though any and all criticalaccolades fail to justify the hundreds of hours I’ve wasted staring at my laptop.

 What they say : Nah, dude, I’m a chiller. I just take take life as it comes... One day ata time...

 What they mean: Excessive drug usein my late formative years has left meemotionally underdeveloped. I don’t know  who I am, what I want out of life, or why I’m even going to college. Your continuingto smoke marijuana with me every day is essential in preventing my mentalbreakdown.

 What they say : Yeah, I’m probably goingto go to law school after I graduate.

 What they mean: Despite my nonchalant

demeanor, I have been adequately socialized by my upper-middle-classupbringing and will succumb to thecultural pressures to achieve objectivesuccess. My focus in the humanitiesleaves all high-paying jobs that require aknowledge of math or science out of my reach. e only respectable career I canthink of that my parents would approve of is being an attorney.

 What they say : Oh, you’re majoring in So- An? at’s so cool. It seems so interesting. What they mean: ank God I’m in asensible eld like International Aairs.Cyborg Anthropology? PSSSHHHH...I can’t wait to begin my career in

international diplomacy. Whoever saidI should learn Arabic rst doesn’t know  what they’re talking about.

 What they say : As soon as I visited LC, Iknew I had to come here.

 What they mean: I didn’t get into Brown,Colorado College, Claremont-McKenna,NYU, Vassar, Reed or Wesleyan.

 You: A Greek philosopher.Me: inking that’s Classic.