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5/21/2018 Bai Chua Band 6.5_Ngoc Bach

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IELTS Writing Correction

Written by Ngoc Bach

Page: https://www.facebook.com/tuhocIelts8.0 Page 1

Topic: In some countries, some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period

of time before going to university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of those school

leavers decision. Give your own opinion.

After graduating from high school, some students tend to get a job or go on a trip for some time

before university life. While this decision has its own drawbacks, I suggestthey decide to consider its

outweighed benefits.

In my opinion, high school graduates should choose to work or travel for a period of time because

of some undeniable advantages. First, working and traveling are both good chances for them to gain

some valuable experience. This experience can broaden their knowledge on invarious fields, which

will be pretty useful for theirfuture career. Second, those who work right after high school before

going to university are able to earn money for higher education. Furthermore, high

school graduates

with a gap year are much more appreciative than those who do not have one when applying for

scholarshi

psat university.

On the other hand, the decision is disadvantageous to some extent. The main shortcoming is that a

number of high

school leavers may start their professional career later than their fellows who do not

choose to get a job or go on a trip after high school. As a result, they will get promoted later. In

addition, traveling costs them so much . If they travel right after high school, they will earn no

money and have to ask their parents for the expense. It is not advisable that people should do like

this.

To conclude, I encouragehigh school leavers to start working or traveling prior to entering a

university for many advantages although this decision has some notable disadvantages.

(259 words)

Grade

Task

Response6.0

+ Intro nu quan im khng r rng (khng nn sdng tsuggestnu

quan im). Khth2 c nu quan im nhng khng (lu l nu quan

im c nhn cu th2 ca Intro quan trng hn, u kh2 c cng tt

nhng khng c cng khng btrim nu cc sau htrtt)

+ Cng vy, phn kt lun c nu quan im c nhn nhng cn vit r rng

hn(khng nn sdng encourage). V d:

In conclusion, I completely believe that travelling overseas or working during

a gap year has many more advantages than disadvantages because ..

+ Paragraph 2 (referred to the advantages): nhi nht qu nhiu Ideas vo ->

on vn khng c gii thch y v khng r rng. C 4 ideas khc nhau

Comment [A1]: Cu suggest : Whi

there are benefits and drawbacks of th

would argue that it is better to take a

work or travel.

Comment [A2]: may be quite

Comment [A3]: appreciated

Comment [A4]: Cu suggest : The

a job or travel straight after school is

disadvantageous to some extent

Comment [A5]: a great deal

Comment [A6]: Cu suggest vit l

conclusion, I believe that there are ma

advantages for young people who star

traveling prior to beginning their unive

although this decision has some notabdisadvantages.


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y:

high school leavers who take a gap year may: (1) gain valuable experience (2)

broaden their knowledge (3) earn money to fund their university studies (4)

have a better CV when they apply for a job, because employers will appreciate

what they did in their gap year v cc idea khng c gii thch y

- Nn c v dthc tgii thch cc idea htrc tt hn

Cohesion

and

Coherence

6.5 + 2 li nu trn -> lm tiu ch c kt ni, mch lc cng bgim im

+ Tt ccc khu c cu trc mt cch logic. Sdng cu trc

Firstly/Secondly.......Finally gip ngi c nh vc cc htrmtcch ddng -> good.

Vocabulary 7.0 + - Sdng a dng cc tvng lin quan n ch :

take a gap year/start their professional career later than their fellows/right

after high school/gain some valuable experience/broaden their knowledge.

+ Lp li t

school 8 ln. Cn cgng sdng cc tng ngha, pronouns (it,

they), hoc gii thch ngha ca t theo cch khc, trnh lp li tqu nhiu

.

-> Mnh suggest mt scch din t khc khng blp tschool: they,

students, these graduates, young people, young graduates, graduating students

Grammar

7.5

adverb clauses, relative clauses and a (first) conditional sentence. There are a

variety of sentence structures and correct comparative forms -> Good

Overall

6.5-7.0

+ Trnh lp li cc tqu nhi u l n -> nn tm cc t ng ngha, pronouns thay thva c tc dng tng im tvng, va c tc dng tng imCohesion and Coherence. Nh3 cch tng im tiu ch ny cho bi vit l:1. Referent pronouns

2. Synonyms and other phrases

3. Linking words


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+ Nu opinion r rng ngay intro (cu th2 ca intro) v paraphase n li

kt lun

+ Cgng pht trin idea 2 khthn bi tt hn. Less ideas and more

support.

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