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:: People Management ::

:: For years psychologists have been extolling the virtues ofpositive thinking. All we need is a clear focus on the endresult, and the belief and sheer determination to achieve ourgoals. Positive thinking improves self-confidence, encouragesmotivation and has a positive effect on our lives. In fact, with alittle positive thinking apparently anything is possible. Thispositivity quickly spread into the workplace, where thereseems to be an abundance of positive change approaches, forexample: solution-focused practice, appreciative inquiry, posi-tive psychology, strength-based management, and positivedeviance.

However, does this emphasis on the positive mean that wehave to agree and go along with everything? Thankfully, thegurus say no, and as an expert in this field, I agree. The skillof saying ‘no’ is indispensable. However, saying ‘no’ does notimply that you can no longer be constructive, respectful andpositive.

‘No’ may be the word we need most in today's fast-pacedsociety. The world is frantic and hectic. It is easy to becomeoverwhelmed with today's constant demands, whether it isdemands at work or balancing our work and family lives. Infact, ‘no’ may be the most powerful word in the language inthese times of endless 24-hour communication, time de-mands, responsibility and general commitments. At the sametime, it can be the most destructive word in the language, de-structive to relationships – both personally and professionally.For at the heart of every destructive conflict or war it is theword ‘no’ that people are hurling at each other. Because it canbe so destructive, ‘no’ is the word that is hardest for us to say.But, if we can learn how to say it gracefully and positively, itwill help transform our personal and work lives.

The investor Warren Buffet once confided that the secret tocreating his fortune lay in his ability to say ‘no’. He said: "I sitthere all day and look at investment proposals. I say no, no,no, no, no, no - until I see one that is exactly what I am look-ing for, and then I say yes. All I have to do is say yes a fewtimes in my life and I've made my fortune." To those in theknow, saying ‘no’ is at least as important as saying ‘yes’. Overthe years, you need to develop a simple and elegant way ofsaying ‘no’ gracefully.

The YES!-No-Yes? Sequence

A ‘Positive no’ requires you to challenge the common as-sumption that either you can use power to get what you want,at the cost of relationship, or you can use the relationship, at

the cost of power. Itcalls on you to use both yes and no at the same time, engag-ing the other in a constructive and respectful confrontation. Incontrast to an ordinary ‘no’ that begins with ‘no’ and ends with‘no,’ a ‘Positive no’ begins with ‘yes’ and ends with ‘yes’. Todeliver a ‘Positive no’, you first uncover your underlying inter-ests, needs and values and distill them into a powerful Yes!Perhaps the biggest mistake we make when we say ‘no’ is tostart from ‘no’. We derive our ‘no’ from what we are against -the other's demand or behaviour. A ‘Positive no’ calls on us todo the exact opposite and base our ‘no’ on what we are for.The next step is to deliver your ‘no’ clearly and respectfully.Once you've said ‘no’, it is tempting to leave it at that and thinkyou’ve done your job. But if you stop there, you are overlook-ing the opportunity to propose a positive outcome. It can bedifficult to receive a ‘no’, so your next challenge is to transformthe other's reaction from resistance to acceptance. The se-quence of emotions others experience when you tell them ‘no’can range from denial to anger to grief. The most importantthings to keep in mind at this stage are: to control your emo-tions, listen respectfully, and continue to stand your ground.

The Five Conflict Handling Modes

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument is designedto assess an individual’s behaviour in conflict situations. Theseare situations where the concerns of two people appear to beincompatible. In such situations people’s behaviour movesalong two basic dimensions: assertiveness, the extent to whichthe individual attempts to satisfy his own concerns and cooper-ativeness, the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfythe other person’s concerns. Within these two basic dimensionsof behaviour there are five specific methods of dealing withconflicts: Competing, accommodating, avoiding, collaboratingand compromising. A ‘Positive no’ sequence aims to moveaway from an either-or scenario by breaking the power versusrelationship cycle. Most people accommodate and avoid, yet bybeing firm yet respectful, many people’s reactions are not whatyou expect. By collaborating and compromising it is possible to

use your power and at the same time pre-serve your relationship - that is the heart

of what it means to say a ‘Positive No’.by Robin Schattefor

Schatte for Sale www.schatteforsale.com

Tel: 952 553 836. ::

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