becoming a person - mind gymnasiumaround the process of becoming a person, and like the rest of the...

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BECOMING A PERSON

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Denis

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This section of the The Mind Gymnasium started life asan article for students and clients and for people who, whileinsisting that ‘they personally have no problems’, werecurious to discover what ‘personal development’ might beabout. I had long wanted some way of outlining the maininfluences that shape our personality and behaviour as webecome persons; while trying to show how they connect tothe human assets and deficits, preferences and inhibitionsthat contribute to making us who and what we are.Why dolove and affection often seem so elusive? Why do so manycapable, effective people also lack confidence? How is itthat some of us behave at times like volcanoes, eruptinginto anger? Why do we so often meet people who seemfrozen—human icebergs? Why are so many people addict-ed to substances, or other people?

The conceptual basis of both my work as a psychopracti-tioner and of The Mind Gymnasium is learning and unlearn-ing—though other schemes and models cluster round this.The notion that we learn to be who and how we are, and byimplication can unlearn problematic patterns of belief andbehaviour, provides a cross-disciplinary way of linking thepersonal with the political and eventually the transpersonalaspects of life. It also side-steps the professionalized obscuri-ty of some of the currently dominant theories about person-al development. Like co-counselling it deals with the deepesthuman concerns, and has proven to be very accessible

Is this over-ambitious? Perhaps. A feeling for the intrinsicvalue of human life, and life in general, brings with it a senseof vast irreducible mystery. Too little respect for this mystery

KNOWHOW> MIND IN ACTION> BECOMING A PERSONCONTENTS THEMES GO BACK JOTTER Help�INDEX

The mysteries are what is wild inus, what can’t be quantified orcontained..... the mysteries are alsowhat is most common to us all:blood, breath, heartbeat, thesprouting of seed, the waxing andwaning of the moon, the turning ofthe earth around the sun, birth,death, growth, renewal...

...the core of the mysteries is theunderstanding that truth is alwaysdeeper and richer than anydescription of it.

STARHAWK:TRUTH OR DARE 1989

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can lead to a spurious clarity that lacks compassion, yet toogreat a respect for mystery can create a fog of mysticism.Thatsaid, there does seem to be a lot of unnecessary mystificationaround the process of becoming a person, and like the rest ofThe Mind Gymnasium this section attempts to demystifywhat need not be unnecessarily obscured.

If you like to ‘browse’, or start at the end, try the Contentsopposite. But I recommend you first look at the Overviewanimation.

KNOWHOW> MIND IN ACTION> BECOMING A PERSON

Becoming a person: contents

Introduction

Overview

Inner and outer

Favourable learning

Unfavourable LearningOmitted learningDistorted learningDistressed learning

Consequences of unfavourable learningLack of confidenceDamaged self esteem Re-stimulationConstriction and rigidity Comfort zonesUngrounded projection and fantasy life

Unlearning and other possibilities Free yourself from your redundant pastDevelop favourable learningDeal with unfavourable learning

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from our earliestmoments...

Becoming a person: Overview

IntroductionContents



we engage with theevents and challenges ofdaily life








out of these interactions weaccumulate a personal historyof beliefs, expectations andsurvival strategies





Our personal history includesfavourable learning



out of these interactions weaccumulate a personal historyof beliefs expectations andsurvival strategies


from our earliestmoments..




...our ability to read, write,run, walk, talk, listen, cookwork etc.











This favourable learningcontributes...

reliability, realism, efficiencyand flexibility, it saves usfrom constantly having to re-invent the wheel.







Our personal history is likelyto include unfavourablelearning of at least threekinds...




from our earliestmoments..




distressed learningomitted learningdistorted learning











Unfavourable learningcontributes...

diminished self-esteemre-stimulationprojective identificationrepression






This favourable learningcontributes...

reliability, realism efficiencyand flexibility it saves us fromconstantly having to re-invent the wheel.





Unfavourable learningcontributes...

diminished self-esteemre-stimulationprojective identificationrepression




Inner and OuterAs I move through the world, my inner universe meets theouter universe of other people and events. I feel tired, youwant to walk the long way home. You feel delighted and tella joke, I laugh.

In our outer universe, there may be rain, or sunshine, or traf-fic gridlock. In my inner universe there are perhaps feelings oflonging, or belonging; bodily pleasure, daydreams and insights,choices to be made,offers to consider, actions to plan. I also meetall of these, and more, in the outer universe of other people.

These inner and outer ingredients form a collective ‘soup’in which the whole history of humankind lives on in and aroundus. Yet within this incredibly rich broth of shared human expe-rience, you and I are distinct flavours. We may share the sameevolutionary history, the same culture,even the same family, andwe are also separate and unique. This is because we each havepersonal history that is embodied, we hold it in our bodyminds.Because we each have separate and unique bodyminds, we alsohave a distinct personal identity.

My sense of identity may wax and wane. When outerevents impinge, I may feel worried, or excited and moved. Iaccommodate. I resist. I run with the herd, or I sit by myself.Above all I learn. My sense of identity, of who I am becom-ing as a person, is the accumulation of my learning. I believethat learning from the interplay of the outer and inner uni-verses is inevitable, it’s unavoidable, though we may not beaware of what we learn.

This learning occurs across the whole of our life span,from conception to the present day, and continues until wedie. This is the starting point of the story I want to tell here.


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In all the unfolding moments of present time, as our inneruniverse meets the outer universe of people and events, werespond to these sights, sounds, and sensations through whatwe have learned.

I bring to the outer universe what I have learned aboutsurviving, fighting, pleasure, love, danger, and delight. Thislearning is a pair of spectacles that I cannot remove.

The quality of my life-long learning necessarily shapeshow I meet the outer world. Contrary to the popular beliefthat associates ‘learning’ only with school, learning goes on allthe time. I’m talking here about any form of learning, fromchanging a diaper to giving a party.

What sorts of learning am I likely to discover if I take alook into my personal history, and unpick and unpack what Ifind? The more I have done this myself and helped others todo it, the more I believe that what matters is what counts asfavourable and unfavourable learning. Favourable learningenhances, facilitates and supports, and clarifies, Unfavourablelearning undermines, disables, restricts, and confuses.

Becoming a person is intended to support self-appraisal. Itshould be relevant for anyone, anywhere, so long as youdecide what is favourable or unfavourable for you.This is notto say that other people may not have something to con-tribute to your evaluation, but in this scheme it is your viewthat matters.


See also �

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Favourable learningWhat I mean here by favourable learning is any learningwhich, in present time, supports realism, effectiveness,and survival. It’s learning that keeps me in rapport withthe person I’m next to, or which helps keep my mind onwhat I’m doing; or that means I can make accurate guess-es about the future.

Favourable learning is learning that supports accurate,realistic, high-quality decisions. It supports loving and beingloved; understanding and being understood; and choosingand being chosen. If I am to grow up with enough, or ade-quate, favourable learning, what are some of the things thatneed to happen?

My short-list of what is likely to be important includes:

Being carried as a foetus by a well nourished, wellloved and supported mother; I learn about well-being.

Being born without undue delay or interference;I learn that effort and struggle are rewarded.

Having an adequate opportunity to bond with myparents; I learn to belong.

‘Good-enough’ continuity and quality of care; I learnto give and receive love.

Sufficient sensory and intellectual stimulation;I learn to reach out and to absorb.

Learning to talk and walk and play; I learn toexplore, communicate and create.

Learning to relate to other people; I learn to valuemyself and others.


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Learning to be persistent, tolerant and orderly;I learn to persevere and carry out tasks.

Learning to manage feelings and emotions; I learnabout joy, zest, sadness, anxiety and anger.

Learning to manage economic life; I learn the valueof work.

Learning how to learn; I learn how to exercise powerand solve my own problems.

You may want to add to, or delete items from, this list: Isee it as suggestive, rather than exhaustive.

So far as sufficient favourable learning is in place, my inneruniverse seems likely to be capable of meeting the challengesand opportunities which present-time events introduce. I amlikely to be flexible, spontaneous, creative, cooperative, openand respectful of myself and others. I will have solidly ground-ed self-esteem and I’ll resist attempts to compromise it. I’ll beresponsible, realistic, and effective in what I undertake, refus-ing or delegating tasks or roles that are out of my range, orexperience, or that are abusive or health damaging.

Some items in the catalogue of favourable learning havebroader or deeper effects than others. I believe that the earli-er the learning, the more global and substantial is its contri-bution to our present-time capability. I’ve seen how a childwho was deeply and comprehensively loved for the first sixyears of her life was later able to survive tremendous adversi-ty. I also believe that if I am to be able to recover from errorsof judgement, or economic perils, and navigate well throughthe ebb and flow of personal and social life, learning how tolearn is a vital skill.

However, sadly, alongside the experiences that supportrealism, and creative engagement with daily life, there is like-ly also to be unfavourable learning.


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Unfavourable learningUnhappily, as our inner and outer worlds unfold, alongsidethe accumulation of favourable learning there is alsounfavourable learning.What I mean by unfavourable learningis anything that undermines my realism, accuracy, resilience,or effectiveness as I go about my life and especially my capac-ity for survival.

Unfavourable learning can be so general that nothingseems to go well. Or it can exist in pockets, or, to change themetaphor, as trip-wires in an inter-personal minefield.

Of course what counts as favourable learning in one lifesituation may shift in value, or even reverse, if the worldchanges round me, or if I move somewhere else. For example,the accuracy, orderliness, and scrupulous attention to detailthat belong with a successful banking career may be a poorbasis for the entrepreneurial task of starting up and buildinga small business. In the interests of simplicity and accessibili-ty, in what follows I am going to set aside concerns with rever-sals due to change of circumstances.

I have come to recognize three kinds of unfavourablelearning,

omissionsdistortions distress

But before you look at them, check out favourablelearning if you haven’t already.


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Omitted learningBy omitted learning I mean any learning that we would rea-sonably expect in a child or young adult but that is missing.

An example I often give is that of a child who movedschools in London at the age of six. The move was from onegood school to another, better one. Because the same educa-tional authority ran both schools, his parents assumed thatthey were compatible. In many ways they were. However, inthe year after the move, the child began to feel very distressedabout some aspects of school, especially mathematics. He wasdoing poorly and increasingly didn’t like going to school.

When the parents and his teachers investigated, theyfound that, in moving schools, the child had missed a wholeyear of mathematics. The schools were not year on year,directly comparable. The child, who was bright and wellsupported at home, had made this difficult jump very well.Except that the missing mathematics meant that he hadomitted a year of really fundamental material; for example,fractions were a complete mystery to him. Once his par-ents had identified all this, they could remedy the omittedlearning and his distress about school faded.

I believe that all of us necessarily have some areas of omit-ted learning. Some seem relatively trivial. For example,around the age of 12, I was absent on the day that the schoolannounced a lunch-time violin class. I found out about itweeks afterwards, but too late to join. I still count it a loss.

But suppose that while still a youngster:I suffer the loss of one or both parents; I’ll miss their

love, care, and commitment.


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I have a serious illness with or without hospitaliza-tion; I’ll miss the peer group culture of friends,relatives and school.

I take over the running of a home and bring upyounger sisters and brothers; I’ll miss the chanceto learn what matters for me at my own pace.

I am never able to play freely or make friends of myown choosing; I’ll miss learning how to chooseand be chosen.

These examples point to omitted learning that is vitallyimportant for adult life. The scale of omission, particularly ifit includes any of the items in the catalogue of favourablelearning in the earlier section above, will decisively affect theinner ‘spectacles’ through which we relate to the outer world.

These inner ‘spectacles’ are also affected by distortedlearning and distressed learning. If you’ve alreadylooked at them, it’s time to move on to the consequencesof unfavourable learning

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Distorted LearningDistorted learning arises when I consistently receive a view ofmy abilities, value, or destiny that is inaccurate, perverted(deliberately malicious), ignorant of my reality, or simplywrong.This is especially problematic in so far as the view thatI receive refers to ‘me’ as a person, as opposed to what I do.

If you tell me that I am clumsy, I am bad, brilliant, lazy,too kind, selfish, wonderful, slow, or whatever, this may cometo define who I believe I am. If I hear this often enough, mywhole sense of identity may become preoccupied with livingup to, or down to, this distorted learning about myself.

Distorted learning usually benefits someone else, not me.For me to be clever, or stupid, or ‘good’, solves someone else’sproblem, or massages someone else’s guilt. My value becomesconditional on others’ approval. I am encouraged to deny myinherent value as a human being.

If I take it on board, this distorted view of myself becomeseither a perpetual daily problem, because I can’t live it, orbecause I succeed in living it very well, it may be buried at anout-of-reach, subterranean level. I only know about it throughnagging dissatisfaction, hostility, melancholy, or illness.

But who knows? You may have had consistently lovingand accurate reflections of yourself as you grew up, thatwould be great. If that’s how it seems, check out distressedlearning and, if you passed over it, omitted learning.Otherwise it’s time to move on to the consequences ofunfavourable learning.

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Distressed LearningDistressed learning means learning accompanied by anythingthat caused me physical or psychological pain, i.e. injury; dep-rivation, including sensory and food deprivation; torture; sep-aration; punishment; humiliation; arbitrary, inconsistent, orexcessive demands, or demands that were outside my capa-bilities. The point is that the learning took place in a condi-tion of bodymind distress.

I have come to distinguish two kinds of distressed learn-ing depending on whether or not the bodymind insult drovebodily reactions to life-threatening levels.

Levels of bodymind distress below the survival threshold,e.g. where the bodymind is severely challenged but not tolife-threatening levels, seem to create a highly aversive butaccessible memory. For example, the distressed learning fromregular beatings may be powerlessness, or excessive compli-ance, that ‘authority must be obeyed’.

Some very severe insults push the bodymind—heart-rate,breathing, blood pressure to levels that would result in deathif they continued. The human organism survives by splittingoff the bodymind learning from conscious awareness.Traumasufficient to cause this splitting include: protracted, or forcepsbirth, sexual or physical abuse and accidents.

I know someone who as child had a very serious illness.Thisinvolved hospitalization and invasive and painful treatment.Theperson had no adult memory of the hospital experience. Theysurvived the trauma by ‘splitting off’ the pain. This distressedlearning then lay fallow and forgotten in the body, surfacingintermittently in adult life as panic attacks, extreme bodily ten-sion, aversion to touch and trance-like staring into space.


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An example of the first, aversive kind of distressed learning ismy experience of learning to play the piano. For several yearsfrom the age of eight, my parents insisted that I play thepiano every day for an hour. ‘Playing by ear’, i.e. for fun, wastaboo. Practice was all. I had to play by myself, for myself. Inever recall anyone ever listening. I do recall being constant-ly in distress, angry and tearful and hating all of it.

The outcome of this was that I learned to play the pianobut I didn’t learn to make music. Today my capacity for play-ing for an audience is limited. When I do play, the early dis-tressed learning often surfaces and I lose the musical thread.

There are as many versions of distressed learning as thereare people. I give these examples to point you toward anysimilar events in your own life.

Omitted learning is a hole in our capabilities; distortedlearning warps our beliefs and expectations; distressed learn-ing endows some aspects of our capabilities with a tremen-dous emotional charge. It speaks the language of extremes:always and never, life or death, I must or I can’t. It is learningengraved on our very heart and soul.

Historically, distressed learning has been the methodpar excellence recommended for bringing up children,see parenting styles. Happily there seems to be evidencethat other, better ways of delivering child-care are emerg-ing and being used more widely. Anything other than slowprogress in this direction seems unlikely, and economic,ethnic, or social upheaval may yet reverse it.

If you haven’t looked at omitted learning, or distortedlearning, check them out. Otherwise it’s time to move on tothe consequences of unfavourable learning.


What is atfirst a cupof sorrowbecomesat lastimmortalwine

GITAmore

Consequences of unfavourable learningIn its most extreme forms, unfavourable learning burdenssome aspects of our capabilities with a tremendous emotion-al charge. It speaks the language of extremes: always andnever, life or death, I must or I can’t.

Omitted learning is a hole in our capabilities distortedlearning warps our beliefs and expectations; distressed learn-ing is damage and hurt engraved in our very heart and soul.

However it affects us, unfavourable human learning hasmyriad consequences for shaping the spectacles throughwhich we view ourselves, how we meet other people andhow we behave. Among them are:

Lack of confidenceDamaged self-esteemPhysical and mental constriction and rigidity Creation and maintenance of ‘comfort zones’Re-stimulation of repressed painful memories Ungrounded projection and fantasy life

When you’ve had a browse through these, take a look atFreeing yourself from your redundant past.


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Lack of confidenceIf I have a broad and varied range of favourable learning, par-ticularly if it includes learning how to learn, then in situationswhere this learning is relevant I will generally be confident.However, in so far as I have omitted to learn something,through failure or neglect, or never having had the opportu-nity, then I will lack confidence if called upon to do it. Thismay seem obvious and it is, from the outside. The trouble isthat I don’t miss what I never had.

Two examples. I worked a while ago with two peoplewho were suffering from panic attacks, and general emotion-al chaos when faced with criticism and conflict.

Jeanette is a confident, capable administrator. Her com-pany promoted her into a job where she had to make a lot ofpresentations. In the new job her confidence ebbed away, thepresentations were a continual nightmare; she was often hes-itant and tongue-tied. When we investigated her lack of con-fidence, we found two things: first she had had no training inpresenting and, secondly, that being the centre of attentionwhile presenting brought up her distressed learning of beingpunished and humiliated in class at school. Either on theirown would contribute to unconfident behaviour, togetherthey called for substantial remedial action.

Bill’s design work didn’t much involve other people andhe felt very confident as long as he was relating to a screen ora drawing board. However, he had difficulty in talking to sen-ior people, almost any contact with authority made himfreeze. He felt demolished by even modest amounts of criti-cism from his boss. When we looked into this, the origin ofthe unconfident relationship with authority quickly emerged.


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Bill’s step-father had been very autocratic and had constantlybeaten him throughout his later childhood, while his motherhad never come to his aid. The distressed learning of fear andmistrust from this treatment severely undermined his confi-dence in older people.

If any of my learning took place in a state of sustained,repeated, or extreme distress, especially if it meant humilia-tion and submission, then I am unlikely to be confident withpersons who are, or seem to be, in authority, or who mightappear to have the power to punish, judge, or harm me.

Distorted learning also undermines confidence. If you tellme repeatedly that ‘I’ll never be any good at sport’, I’ll beunlikely to approach it with confidence.

See also:Damaged self-esteemPhysical and mental constriction and rigidity Creation and maintenance of ‘comfort zones’Re-stimulation of repressed painful memories Ungrounded projection and fantasy life


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Damaged self-esteemInevitably there will be some holes in my learning.Experiences people usually have are missing. Perhaps theseomissions are accompanied by a collection of episodes of dis-tressed learning. I perhaps also have some distorted learningabout my capabilities, or lack of them.

If all this is true, then I am unlikely to have a well-ground-ed sense of my own intrinsic value. Suppose for example that Ihave learned that ‘I have to obey authority’. If so, then I will alsobe likely to have internalized a parallel distortion; that my valueas a person depends on the opinions of others. My self-esteemwill then be likely to reflect the ‘emotional weather’ of themoods and attitudes of the people I live and work with.

By contrast, if my favourable learning has been deep andbroad, I am likely to have a sense that I am inherently valuable,that I matter as a person. I won’t be ‘big-headed’, my self-esteem will be well-founded and realistic. I’ll have firm foun-dations from which to manage events or situations where mycapabilities are inadequate or marginal and I’m likely to have agood sense of my limitations.

If you haven’t already seen them, check out:Lack of confidencePhysical and mental constriction and rigidity Creation and maintenance of ‘comfort zones’Re-stimulation of repressed painful memories Ungrounded projection and fantasy life



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‘Re-stimulation’ - constriction and rigidity So far as I have a history of distressed learning, I will have a col-lection of bodymind memories of hurt, pain, humiliation, pun-ishment, deprivation, etc.

Such bodymind memories can be re-stimulated by present-time events that reproduce, or echo the original learning.Whenthis occurs, what we are usually mostly aware of is the emo-tional charge that the original event evoked. We feel unac-countably bad, ill, upset, angry, irritable, and so on.

You can tell when re-stimulation is around because yourreactions are often out of proportion to what triggered them.Because the re-stimulated emotional states are often unpleas-ant, give rise to embarrassment, and tend to be associated withbeing out of control, we are likely to be very attracted to waysof keeping them quiet.

‘Freezing’, holding ourselves aloof, being supercool, rigidityof style or habits or attitude, and body armouring, excess mus-cle, or fat, all these are common ways of keeping a painful emo-tional history quiet.

Another way of looking at this is to notice how far weare preoccupied with constructing and maintainingComfort Zones

If you haven’t already seen them, check out:Lack of confidenceDamaged self-esteemMore on re-stimulationUngrounded projection and fantasy life



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More on re-stimulationA reminder of what the first screen on re-stimulation had tosay—so far as I have a history of distressed learning—body-mind memories of hurt, pain, humiliation, punishment, dep-rivation—these can be re-stimulated by present-time eventsthat reproduce or echo the original learning—we feel unac-countably bad, ill, upset, angry, irritable, and so on.

To use another piano-playing example, a while backsomeone told me about how, when they were learning toplay the piano, if they made a mistake the teacher wouldhit their knuckles hard with a ruler. Due to the pain, theylearned very well ‘not to make mistakes’ but as an adultthey found that the teaching method seriously underminedtheir musical performances. Giving a concert so re-stimu-lated the distressed learning, they became so desperate andpanicky at the possibility of making mistakes, that playingpublicly wasn’t a viable proposition.

In almost any situation where our reactions are out ofproportion to the stimulus to which they are a response, lookfor re-stimulation of early distressed learning. For example, Ioften have out of proportion reactions around eating andfood, though they trouble me much less today than they didsome years ago.

As an adult, I can rapidly find myself becoming agitatedand feeling desperate in almost any situation where I amexpecting to be able to eat but where I find the restaurantclosed, or full, or there is nothing that I like on the menu.After looking into this at some length I have now got a sensethat my present-time feelings of panic about food are the re-stimulated feelings of infant hunger and desperation.


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Following a difficult birth, I couldn’t feed as a new-born babyand for the best part of two weeks I starved, indeed nearlystarved to death.

Distressed learning lurking in the bodymind resembles adragon in the cellar of our lives. We may not smell its fire andbrimstone very often but at a subtle level we are likely to beaware of its potential for disruption and mayhem. Because ofthis, we take care to keep it securely locked away.

Since the monster is alive within us, keeping it under con-trol usually means one or another kind of rigidity and con-striction, speaking with a very quiet, level voice, talking con-tinually, keeping our jaw muscles tight, holding ourselvestightly. English has lots of expression that reflect this ‘up-tightness’: ‘stiff-necked’, ‘stiff-upper lip’, ‘tight-arsed’, etc. Allthese can help keep quiet the monster of distressed learningimprisoned within us, but we pay a price for it in head-aches,back pain, and stiff joints.

You may feel that this is too extreme and you don’t rec-ognize it in yourself. If so, perhaps your way of keeping silentthe pain of distressed learning takes the softer form of thedesign, maintenance, and upkeep of ‘comfort zones’, Theseare places within ourselves and our lives to which the mon-ster in the basement cannot gain access.

If you haven’t already seen them, check out:Lack of confidenceDamaged self-esteemPhysical and mental constriction and rigidity Creation and maintenance of ‘comfort zones’Ungrounded projection and fantasy life

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Comfort zonesThe purpose of comfort zones is to keep us out of reach ofour painful history.

We build comfort zones out of: avoiding surprise andchange, familiar food, eating too much, eating too little, com-pulsively regular habits and procrastination; distancing, notgetting involved, ‘objectivity’, narrow rigid beliefs, being apo-litical; distraction, sport, games, exercise, sex; living in hope,being overly devoted to aims, goals, and targets, ambition,devotion to political, religious, and economic beliefs andcharismatic leaders; not being here, daydreaming, talking atpeople, not listening, sleeping, reading, watching TV.

One of the most universal ways of keep our dragon ofunfavorable learning quiet in its cellar, is the use of drugs,both prescription and otherwise—plus alcohol and tobacco.

The price we pay for our ‘comfort zones’, and our rigidi-ty and constriction, is often exhaustion, confusion, and ill-health. However, our defensive manoeuvres deserve respect.Due to them, we survived, we are here now. Nevertheless,they often belong to another time and another place, they dis-able us in the present, they narrow and limit our potential.With work and support we can let go of them.

If you haven’t already seen them, check out:Lack of confidenceDamaged self-esteemPhysical and mental constriction and rigidity Re-stimulation of repressed painful memories Ungrounded projection and fantasy life



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Projection and fantasy lifeWhatever the combination of favourable and unfavourablelearning that I have accumulated, this forms a lens throughwhich I perceive the world. How I see the world dominateshow I act in it. It is a window with a unique perspective.My perspective. The feelings and emotions, imagery andideas, and language and skills that this perspective brings tothe world, also have the effect of making it so. I can’t avoid‘projecting’ out on to the external universe the formativeshape of my inner expectations and preferences, delightsand aversions.

If I am lucky enough to have adequate favourable learn-ing, I will be likely to try to distinguish between what belongsto the present and what belongs to my history. Even thoughprojections of my inner universe onto the outer world of peo-ple and events are continual and unavoidable, I will activelytry to test, check out, or withdraw what is coming from myunfavourable learning. I’ll ask questions about the content ofthe other’s universe; I’ll check out other people’s intentionsand aspirations; I’ll test my assumptions; seek to negotiatechoices; I’ll actively learn from experience; I’ll seek help withthat which I don’t understand or can’t handle.

If unfavourable learning is predominant then the outeruniverse of people, things, and events will tend to mirrormy accumulation of distortions, omissions, and distress.They will be projected on to it. If this is so, I may tend toblame the outer for the inner. I will tend to blame othersfor the emotional pain due to distressed learning withinme. Worse, I may feel justified in acting it out on themthrough sarcasm, spiteful gossip, wounding remarks, aggres-


sion, or even violence, though this is not to deny the oftenoverwhelming intensity of anger, fear and grief arising fromcurrent injustice, threat, or loss.

If you haven’t already seen them, check out:Lack of confidenceDamaged self-esteemPhysical and mental constriction and rigidity Creation and maintenance of ‘comfort zones’Re-stimulation of repressed painful memories


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Freeing yourself from your redundant pastHow can we let go of redundant learning?

Which you lean on first depends on what, if anything,you perceive as problematic in your life. Here are somegeneral rules of thumb that reflect my personal and profes-sional experience.

There are two obvious strategies. One is to actively workat developing favourable learning, extending its rangeand depth. The second is to take on the task of dealing withyour unfavourable learning, unlearning it, or at least thesignificant elements of it.


The promisedland alwayslies on theother side ofthe wilderness

HAVELOCK ELLIS

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Developing favourable learningWhat can any of us do about all this?

Firstly, actively work at developing favourable learning,extending its range and depth.

So, supposing you are long gone from school, and youhave no intention of sitting in class again. How do you devel-op favourable learning?

You can do it by consolidation, first deepening the baseyou already have.

Make a list of what you do well—how could you consol-idate this? By joining up with other like-minded people insport or leisure pursuits? Or joining professional or occupa-tional associations? This means that if you are a good cook,cook more and better, If you play sport, play harder, longer,better. Above all it means increasingly knowing your strengthand playing from your strength; knowing where and how youare competent, capable, and effective. The See also menu(right) has pointers to a series of exercises that will help youwith this task.

You can also build favourable learning through extendingthese basic strengths. Reach out in new directions. Take a fewrisks. Form new acquaintances, sign up for a class, take up anew hobby, travel. But do it with an eye on your limitations,on what you can presently handle, in other words what youcan learn from.


See also �

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Dealing with unfavourable learningIf this approach I outline here interests you, what can you do?

Firstly, get to work on the task of unlearning the key ele-ments of your unfavourable learning. You can do quite a loton your own but ultimately this may mean getting some helpfrom a counsellor or a therapist or joining with others whohave this need. If you can’t afford to pay for help, then try co-counselling, or re-evaluation counseling. The See also menu(right) has pointers to a series of exercises that will help youwith this task.

The earliest/most painful, distressed learning almostinevitably has the most impregnable forms of ‘comfort zone’.Unpicking and unpacking it has the greatest liberating effecton present time life. If you want to do it safely, there is a lotto be said for deepening and consolidating your favourablelearning first. If we too quickly demolish or erode the ‘com-fort zones’, there is a some danger that the inner monster ofunworked distress may take possession of us—in the so-called‘nervous breakdown’.

Working backward, from the most recent to the earliestdistressed learning, has a lot to recommend it. We gain expe-rience of how to unlearn, what there is to find, and how totake the new degrees of freedom into our daily life.

Unlearning distortion seems to me to need a steady, consis-tent process of support, feedback, and challenge that seeks todislodge the distortion. A support group will eventually beessential, I suspect. Working through the Self-assessment sec-tions will kick off the unlearning. They help you to replace thedistorted learning by a more accurate self-appraisal. This


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process takes root and flourishes especially well when there isloving contact with other people similarly engaged.

The omissions in our learning vary in their susceptibilityto remedy, according to how early or late they didn’t occur. IfI feel disabled because I never learned to drive, I can proba-bly deal with that very directly by contacting a driving schooland booking lessons. If I never learned to read, then that ismore problematic but again it’s susceptible to effort and per-severance. If I never learned to play as a child, then with helpthat too is likely to be recoverable.

If, as a child, no-one ever held me, or if I never felt loved,if I had no father, or mother, or both were missing, then rem-edying the omission is much more difficult. The problemwith omitted learning, such as never having been loved, isthat we don’t know what we’ve missed. Cruel and unusualpunishment we are likely to know about; a lack of love is justthat, a lack.

We’ll often need to do a great deal of patient detectivework, checking our own experience with that of other peo-ple, before we even recognize what we missed. From then onit can be just a matter of getting on with it—finding ways ofbuilding into the fabric of our daily life the play, love, music,conversation, touch, or whatever else it was that we missed.

Two final points. People often say to me ‘I am not natu-rally confident’ or that ‘it’s not in my nature to say what Ifeel’, or ‘so and so (unlike me) has always been naturallyaggressive, or creative, or spontaneous’. Genetic endowmentclearly matters—singing and sport for instance, obviously relyon it but I am now very sceptical of talk about ‘natural’ abil-ities or the lack of them. I believe that ‘naturalizing’ my own


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or other people’s talents or deficiencies in this way oftenbuilds another ‘comfort zone’. It means that I can either avoidtaking responsibility for myself or that I can avoid, or put off,essential change. See the last paragraph of Pre-birth memo-ries and identity for a little more on instinct.


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See also �

APPENDIX> COPYRIGHTCONTENTS THEMES GO BACK JOTTER Help�INDEX

Letting the Heart Sing - The Mind Gymnasium: digital edition

An interactive guide to personal and professional development

Literary content, sound track, music, images,selection and arrangement etc

© Denis Postle 2010

The right of Denis Postle to be identified as the author of thiswork has been asserted by him under

the UK Copyright Design and Patents Act 1988

All rights reserved

COPYRIGHT NOTICES

Wentworth Learning Resources acknowledgesand respects the rights of the owners of any trade

or service mark mentioned in this publication.

Published by:Wentworth Learning Resources

LONDON W4 2YLCD-ROM: ISBN 0-9545466-0-1

www.mind-gymnasium.comemail: [email protected]

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Previous editionsThe Mind Gymnasium, a Gaia Books original 1989

ISBN 0-33-47338-8 (UK) PapermacISBN 0-7318-0042-7 (Australia) Simon and SchusterISBN 82-09-10623-6 (Finland) DreyerISBN 0-7318-0042-7 (Spain) Plaza & Janes EditoreISBN 2-221-06637-5 (France) Robert LaffontISBN 0-07-050569-1 (USA) McGrawHillISBN 5-699-02592-8 (Russia) EKCMO

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