bedtime stories for my cat

Author: alan-davidson

Post on 03-Jun-2018




0 download

Embed Size (px)


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    Bedtime stories for my cat

    Bullshit by J Alan Davidson

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    How to get girls to like you

    I was shot down by you, rejected. I fell through the clouds, neglected.With no parachute to save me, no hand reached from the sky. So I fell andI fell, and I fell. I presume I died. Bitch.

    I awoke atop amorphous gumdrops that formed a non-saline sea,synchronized my watch and then was beaten to death by other deadpeople for being an asshole.

    When I awoke the second time in the second afterlife, I found myself

    surrounded by flying banjos playing soothing bluegrass music that Icouldn't help but tap your toes to as I listened. The wind blew through thebright pink palm trees that surrounded the island I was currentlyoccupying. The reason that I knew this was an island was because I wassitting on a blue sandy beach, surrounded by pink palm trees and flyingbanjos. Only islands have these elements, so I set o"on a low bear crawlto find the tiki bar.

    I found the tiki bar intact, but devoid of alcohol. This infuriated me until I

    remembered that I was madly in love with you, and sitting in an astralparadise sipping mixed drinks was not going to win your heart. This poseda very real problem. So I decided to mope, write emo poetry and flip mynon-existent emo hair. My emo poetry went something like this:

    I would bleed out everything I have for you,All for you,All for you,But all I have to cut myself withIs a stupid plastic spoon.

    P.S.Fuck my tyrannical parents.

    Once I was finished with my depressed moping I began to depressedlymop. So as I was mopingly mopping I began to think about Tony the fishand how we had a great conversation in high school and how I never felt

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    like we got to finish it because he died mid-sentence. But there was a bitin that conversation that was about death and dying twice. It came rightbefore his death. But other than a mention of paper clips I couldn't reallyremember what he said about it, other than thats why paper clips - ohshit, Im dying. Blehhhhhhhhh. So I stu"ed my pockets with all of thepaper clips at the tiki bar (which was a considerable amount as there wasa big vase full of them). Then I set out on a stroll of the island - you see, Istroll because I am more refined than those around me - and spotted asign that said "Giant Magnet Ahead" and I strolled over to check it out.

    As soon as I reached the giant magnet I was sucked up to heaven,where God looked at me and then kicked me out for being an asshole. Ilanded back on earth, alive and stronger than a bear.

    So, do you want to make out?

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    The diary of Ichabod Crane,

    Space Marine. My name is Ichabod Crane. My parents were obsessed with ancientliterature and thus they named me after a character in book. Here, in 2121you would think that I would at least get a normal name like Pratz, Snazz,Epsom, Darwin, or Jeezus. But my name is Ichabod. So, to get away fromit all I joined the Marines. And, after 13 weeks of boot camp I decided tovolunteer for space duty and go through another 13 weeks of training tobe ready for space combat. After all that I was sent up with the 5th Assaultand Special Services Brigade, or, 5th ASS, for short. Some dick in

    Washington is really proud of that name.

    But that sad story is why I am here. And Im about to tell you how Ifaced down the most disgusting and horrifying thing I have ever seen.

    It was about 7 feet tall, and even though it had arms and legs theylooked more like partly melted cheese sticks attached to a Long Johnpastry. Its head looked like a giant egg, with a jagged part for a mouth fullof teeth that looked like the pieces of a peppermint after you break it, from

    which a green yogurt-like substance was dripping. The skin of the creaturelooked like Captain Crunch cereal after youve stepped on them and leftthem on the floor for about two days. It was also holding a really big gunthat looked like black Twizzler Liquorices with a trigger and saucepan lidon the end. In short, it looked like a kindergartener was given control of herlunch options. Bork, my squadmate, was lying in the hallway, dead fromthe Liquorice gun. I stood at the end of the hallway eating a Crunch Barand holding my M4 at the hip, ready to go when the monster was. I washalfway through the Crunch Bar when it raised the gun at me. I squeezedthe trigger,and send 40 rounds into the beasts head. Nothing happened. I

    dropped the empty mag, reloaded and sent another 40 rounds flying, thistime into its crotch. I decided that the candy creature was a boy at thatmoment based on his scream of pain and flopping to the floor. Thatseemed to do the trick, so I walked away munching on my Crunch Bar,looking for more recycled food products that had boarded the ship.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    My ship. With a huge supply of candy that I had smuggled in, disguisedas rocket fuel. On an unrelated note, some shithead didnt pack enoughrocket fuel, and now were stranded in deep space. Not a good thing, inmy opinion. But we have candy. I had to defend that candy. If I didnt, itwould all be in the hands of those Aliens. I hope theyre allergic peanuts.

    As far as I know, Im alone on the cruiser, if I find any survivors Ill let youknow. And if I peg any more Alien Hardware Ill let you know.

    Ichabod out.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    I love you

    The ten-eyed toad told meTo tell youThatUniverse told him there's a good day comingWith words One, Two, Three.

    Thethree-leggeddog told meTo tell youThe World told him it'sgoing to endsoonWith words One, Two, Three.

    And so I'm nervously telling youThere's a good day coming when the world endsMaybe we can have fun until then.

    And I'm sitting here feeling blueBecause One word had been said too much

    And word one is sad too much.

    A two-toned arthropod told meTo tell youThat the Sun told him it's going to shineWith words One, Two, Three.

    A gas-powered gastropod told meTo tell youThat the Stars told him that they'll shoot forWords One, Two, Three.

    So I'm timidly telling youThat the Stars will shoot the sun,Maybe until then we should run.

    And I'm under the weather with youBecause Word Two is quite too much

    And Word Two is quiet too much.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    And Word Three is far awayFrom One and Two.

    And a good day will come at the end of the worldWhen the stars shoot the sun

    And we'll be on a bicycle having fun.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    Village under a blue sun

    (Dont get your hopes up. This is a FREE e-book)

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat



    Almost, I saw you.Almost, I knew you.Almost, I loved you.

    On the stairs you caught me as I was falling,A friend on either side.Below the earth you stood with a netReady and opened wide.

    And it was you who was calling

    And it was with you I shared every regret,And we came close enough to touch.

    I looked into you,And I saw beauty unimaginable.I saw pain, triumph

    And love unnamable.But I kept every room closed to you,

    And never allowed trust in love.

    In a park I almost took your hand,On a rooftop I almost kissed you.But instead I ran

    And ran, and ran, and ranUntil I could run no more

    And you were once again a stranger.Now I come slowly to understandThat I played the melody of blue

    As I ran and ran, and ran

    Until there was no more danger.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    what is this crap?

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    Annoying People

    I like butterflies and baseball bats and cyanide poisoning,I go a little crazy when people are obnoxious and annoying.I swing baseball bats at peoples faces,When they run I commence car chases.People are annoying because they make me bring up the pastIf my eyes were laser beams I would turn them into ash.I hope that you can read between the lines of this rather nasty poemBecause the ones who do not understand need someone to show them.

    Im at a lack for baseball bats and pretty cyanide pills,But words well aimed work just fine for kills.Tongues are sharper than blades at any rate

    And my words are often piercing and well-aimedAt those who anger or annoy meAnd they see that words can kill just like an M-16.So tell me if you know what I am saying to the ones who do not know

    And to the ones who do, you are all free to go.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    The summit

    She followed him closely through the dense forest. A tiny path ranthrough the trees, she did not know how he could see it, but he guided herwith nimble steps. He did not pause for anything as they traveled, not eventhe briars that caught on his bare legs that peeked through the rips in hispants seemed to slow him down. Twice he picked her up and carried herwhen the brush became too thick for her to travel through. Everything wasso green, even the trunks of the trees had a thin layer of moss, makingthem a light shade of chartreuse.

    Sunlight filtered softly though the branches that stretched across thetop of the forest, embracing one another in an eternal quest for the lightthat caressed the faces of the couple that traveled below. His bare feetnever seemed to touch the forest floor, silent as the footsteps of the deerthat lurked in the distance, observing this pair of stranger and natural soul.He stopped suddenly and said in his quiet voice, get on my back. Sheclimbed on with some fear as he knelt down, and as she wrapped herarms around his chest she felt it sharply intake and she was reminded ofthe time he told her that it hurt him to have people touch him. He rose and

    set o"once again at his rapid pace, never seeming to notice the load hebore. They turned a corner and a cli"wall greeted them with a grey facethat was worn with time into the constant frown of an old man. He walkedup to the face and felt it, looking for something. Suddenly his fingersgrasped a crag and his foot shot up to another. He reached and grabbed ahold of the next tiny handhold, invisible to her, but simple as walking tohim. His bare feet grasped the wall and propelled them upwards towardsthe top. She closed her eyes and just waited as they rose. It seemed thatonly a moment went by when she felt that they had stopped and he said,Open your eyes. She did so and the first thing that greeted her was an

    tiny emerald pool that glistened in the unrequited sunlight that shines onlyon the tops of mountains.

    A few trees grew out of rocks, twisted and beaten from the elementsthat battered them constantly. The wind picked up her hair and returnedher breath to her as she stared both at the pool and at the other mountainsin the distance. He set her down and walked over to the pool. He sat down

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    and simply stared out at the horizon. She walked over to him slowly andsat down next to him. The emotion that ran through her was indescribable,all things at once were known to her, all things were hidden. She was atthe top of the earth. He looked over at her, his eyes blue as the sky andtwinkling with knowledge. It always feels like this when you reach the tophe said. Closing his eyes he turned away. She took his hand in hers andheld it as if she were holding a baby bird, not wishing to damage it. Hisfingers tightened around her hand and she felt a small tremble run throughhis body. Does this bother you? she asked, fearing his response. Nowas the whispered reply. His eyes opened and focused on the town belowwhich was just starting to turn on the lights for the evening. We need togo he told her with a slight edge in his voice, theres a storm coming.She could not see a single cloud, but she trusted him and rose with him.He knelt down and she climbed on his back once more and he rose to

    leave. Reaching up he took hold of her hand and laughed slightly in hisunique way. It fits he told her with a smile. And with that he took the stepo"the edge of the cli"that began their voyage home.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat



    sgegeEGSG#@$#[email protected]

    Thats how you make me feel.Because when I see you, my heart skips a couple of beatsAnd I get really scared and think Im having a heart attackAnd my doctor just says. Dude

    I look up at the starsAnd I wonder if you ever look upAnd seeThe same constellations as me.

    Ive told you once before that my heart has begun to wanderAnd my feet have begun to follow.Because at the time of this writing your heart is still across the seaProbably with the Queen, having tea.

    And Im building a raftOut of two artificial Christmas trees,Fishnet hose,And a stolen inflatable Spider-ManSo that I can reach you.But Ill probably become sharkbait

    Ooh ha ha.

    Because this,Like a couple of coupletsBy a couple of quintuplets,Is doubly daringAnd rather hard to say.

    Im just sharkbaitBecause Im a coward with a glass heart

    Duct-taped and super-glued togetherAnd I dont want it to break


    And youYou will never know.And I will never tell you what it means.Because constellations have yet to be seen.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    Love Like

    Love is a little kids tricycleWith it he can take the world.Love is a fat man on a unicycleIt doesnt make sense but its happening.Love is homemade cookiesSomething you always wanted but rarely ever got.Love is the delusions of SnookieShe cant go to jail because shes just too hot.

    I like you like gay guys like leather shoesLike fat old men love the news

    And like kids in summer like popsiclesAnd emo kids like jeans that kill their testicles.

    And were like Nintendo and MarioWere intertwined and keep making new adventures that some people see as a totallydead horse thats being beaten until its just a grease spot on the ground, and maybeit is but I really dont care because its a good metaphor.

    And you know what?

    I love you.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat


    Lets go see the wizard

    It might be that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down;But youve been sugarcoated.It might be the Tin Man has a heart of gold;But its been melted down to coins.In the ocean you may swim and drown,But right now youre floating.Your soul may have been bought and sold,But to you it will be rejoined.

    And Ill walk down this Yellow Brick RoadLooking for a Wizard

    Whos a fake.And Ill walk down this Yellow Brick RoadLooking for a loverFor old times sake.

    It might be that youve been taken,And are sleeping soundly.And it might be that youve walked awayFrom the road that I travelAnd your feet are planted in grassAnd youre growingOld with someone else.I can pray that youve been shakenBy the words that surround me.And as the candle lights the curtain I kneel and prayIn a dirty little hovelThat you quickly passWith never knowing,But knowing someone else.

    And Ill walk down this Yellow Brick RoadLooking for a WizardWhos a fake.

    And Ill walk down this Yellow Brick RoadLooking for a loverFor old times sake.

  • 8/12/2019 Bedtime Stories for My Cat