bedtime stories for my cat

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    Bedtime stories for my cat

    Bullshit by J Alan Davidson

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    How to get girls to like you

    I was shot down by you, rejected. I fell through the clouds, neglected.With no parachute to save me, no hand reached from the sky. So I fell andI fell, and I fell. I presume I died. Bitch.

    I awoke atop amorphous gumdrops that formed a non-saline sea,synchronized my watch and then was beaten to death by other deadpeople for being an asshole.

    When I awoke the second time in the second afterlife, I found myself

    surrounded by flying banjos playing soothing bluegrass music that Icouldn't help but tap your toes to as I listened. The wind blew through thebright pink palm trees that surrounded the island I was currentlyoccupying. The reason that I knew this was an island was because I wassitting on a blue sandy beach, surrounded by pink palm trees and flyingbanjos. Only islands have these elements, so I set o"on a low bear crawlto find the tiki bar.

    I found the tiki bar intact, but devoid of alcohol. This infuriated me until I

    remembered that I was madly in love with you, and sitting in an astralparadise sipping mixed drinks was not going to win your heart. This poseda very real problem. So I decided to mope, write emo poetry and flip mynon-existent emo hair. My emo poetry went something like this:

    I would bleed out everything I have for you,All for you,All for you,But all I have to cut myself withIs a stupid plastic spoon.

    P.S.Fuck my tyrannical parents.

    Once I was finished with my depressed moping I began to depressedlymop. So as I was mopingly mopping I began to think about Tony the fishand how we had a great conversation in high school and how I never felt

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    like we got to finish it because he died mid-sentence. But there was a bitin that conversation that was about death and dying twice. It came rightbefore his death. But other than a mention of paper clips I couldn't reallyremember what he said about it, other than thats why paper clips - ohshit, Im dying. Blehhhhhhhhh. So I stu"ed my pockets with all of thepaper clips at the tiki bar (which was a considerable amount as there wasa big vase full of them). Then I set out on a stroll of the island - you see, Istroll because I am more refined than those around me - and spotted asign that said "Giant Magnet Ahead" and I strolled over to check it out.

    As soon as I reached the giant magnet I was sucked up to heaven,where God looked at me and then kicked me out for being an asshole. Ilanded back on earth, alive and stronger than a bear.

    So, do you want to make out?

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    The diary of Ichabod Crane,

    Space Marine. My name is Ichabod Crane. My parents were obsessed with ancientliterature and thus they named me after a character in book. Here, in 2121you would think that I would at least get a normal name like Pratz, Snazz,Epsom, Darwin, or Jeezus. But my name is Ichabod. So, to get away fromit all I joined the Marines. And, after 13 weeks of boot camp I decided tovolunteer for space duty and go through another 13 weeks of training tobe ready for space combat. After all that I was sent up with the 5th Assaultand Special Services Brigade, or, 5th ASS, for short. Some dick in

    Washington is really proud of that name.

    But that sad story is why I am here. And Im about to tell you how Ifaced down the most disgusting and horrifying thing I have ever seen.

    It was about 7 feet tall, and even though it had arms and legs theylooked more like partly melted cheese sticks attached to a Long Johnpastry. Its head looked like a giant egg, with a jagged part for a mouth fullof teeth that looked like the pieces of a peppermint after you break it, from

    which a green yogurt-like substance was dripping. The skin of the creaturelooked like Captain Crunch cereal after youve stepped on them and leftthem on the floor for about two days. It was also holding a really big gunthat looked like black Twizzler Liquorices with a trigger and saucepan lidon the end. In short, it looked like a kindergartener was given control of herlunch options. Bork, my squadmate, was lying in the hallway, dead fromthe Liquorice gun. I stood at the end of the hallway eating a Crunch Barand holding my M4 at the hip, ready to go when the monster was. I washalfway through the Crunch Bar when it raised the gun at me. I squeezedthe trigger,and send 40 rounds into the beasts head. Nothing happened. I

    dropped the empty mag, reloaded and sent another 40 rounds flying, thistime into its crotch. I decided that the candy creature was a boy at thatmoment based on his scream of pain and flopping to the floor. Thatseemed to do the trick, so I walked away munching on my Crunch Bar,looking for more recycled food products that had boarded the ship.

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    My ship. With a huge supply of candy that I had smuggled in, disguisedas rocket fuel. On an unrelated note, some shithead didnt pack enoughrocket fuel, and now were stranded in deep space. Not a good thing, inmy opinion. But we have candy. I had to defend that candy. If I didnt, itwould all be in the hands of those Aliens. I hope theyre allergic peanuts.

    As far as I know, Im alone on the cruiser, if I find any survivors Ill let youknow. And if I peg any more Alien Hardware Ill let you know.

    Ichabod out.

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    I love you

    The ten-eyed toad told meTo tell youThatUniverse told him there's a good day comingWith words One, Two, Three.

    Thethree-leggeddog told meTo tell youThe World told him it'sgoing to endsoonWith words One, Two, Three.

    And so I'm nervously telling youThere's a good day coming when the world endsMaybe we can have fun until then.

    And I'm sitting here feeling blueBecause One word had been said too much

    And word one is sad too much.

    A two-toned arthropod told meTo tell youThat the Sun told him it's going to shineWith words One, Two, Three.

    A gas-powered gastropod told meTo tell youThat the Stars told him that they'll shoot forWords One, Two, Three.

    So I'm timidly telling youThat the Stars will shoot the sun,Maybe until then we should run.

    And I'm under the weather with youBecause Word Two is quite too much

    And Word Two is quiet too much.

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    And Word Three is far awayFrom One and Two.

    And a good day will come at the end of the worldWhen the stars shoot the sun

    And we'll be on a bicycle having fun.

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    Village under a blue sun

    (Dont get your hopes up. This is a FREE e-book)

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    Almost

    Almost, I saw you.Almost, I knew you.Almost, I loved you.

    On the stairs you caught me as I was falling,A friend on either side.Below the earth you stood with a netReady and opened wide.

    And it was you who was calling

    And it was with you I shared every regret,And we came close enough to touch.

    I looked into you,And I saw beauty unimaginable.I saw pain, triumph

    And love unnamable.But I kept every room closed to you,

    And never allowed trust in love.

    In a park I almost took your hand,On a rooftop I almost kissed you.But instead I ran

    And ran, and ran, and ranUntil I could run no more

    And you were once again a stranger.Now I come slowly to understandThat I played the melody of blue

    As I ran and ran, and ran

    Until there was no more danger.

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    what is this crap?

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    Annoying People

    I like butterflies and baseball bats and cyanide poisoning,I go a little crazy when people are obnoxious and annoying.I swing baseball bats at peoples faces,When they run I commence car chases.People are annoying because they make me bring up the pastIf my eyes were laser beams I would turn them into ash.I hope that you can read between the lines of this rather nasty poemBecause the ones who do not understand need someone to show them.

    Im at a lack for baseball bats and pretty cyanide pills,But words well aimed work just fine for kills.Tongues are sharper than blades at any rate

    And my words are often piercing and well-aimedAt those who anger or annoy meAnd they see that words can kill just like an M-16.So tell me if you know what I am saying to the ones who do not know

    And to the ones who do, you are all free to go.

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    The summit

    She followed him closely through the dense forest. A tiny path ranthrough the trees, she did not know how he could see it, but he guided herwith nimble steps. He did not pause for anything as they traveled, not eventhe briars that caught on his bare legs that peeked through the rips in hispants seemed to slow him down. Twice he picked her up and carried herwhen the brush

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