� e

Presents

Volume 6 MAY 18, 2015

BESTofDU

Where’s Boone?

Editor’s NoteThe annual Best of DU magazine is the

Clarion staff’s opportunity to address our ‘love’ vs. ‘love to see changed’ relationship with DU. It is a collection of our commen-tary on some of the greatest things on campus, along with some of the things that we think have the most room for improvement.

DU faces the constant challenge of devel-oping its students into real, functioning hu-mans while simultaneously providing them with opportunities that can turn into passions. For many, like most of our Clarion staff, this passion turns into action and dedication.

For me, the Clarion is, and always has been, one of these passions—a true labor of love. But that love first came from DU; as I finish my fifth year and second degree here, I’m still inspired by this place. From the first dusting of snowfall every year and the beauti-ful blooms of spring to the words of passion-ate professors and activism of student groups, our campus is a truly amazing, thriving place.

Of course, that’s not to say there aren’t things I’d like to see changed. For example, I’d love to not have to scroll through a Face-book newsfeed filled with declarations of summer from friends at other schools while I slog along with midterms and finals. Still, as it is for so many others, this place is my home. It has made me who I am today, and I will always be grateful to it.

So while we may complain about too many lentils, not enough mascot, or far too annoying scooter traffic, we also applaud the beauty of our campus and the dedication of the people who live and work here. We love this school.

Lanna GiauqueEditor-in-Chief, DU Clarion, 2014-2015

The Best School There Is

2015 Best of DU Contributors

Lanna GiauqueEditor Emeritus

Ashlyn StewartCopy Editor

Nikki FrickSocial Media Director

Carissa CherpesContributing Writer

Evan HicksStaff Cartoonist

Alex JohnsonEditor Emeritus

Katherine GibsonDesign Manager

Maddy MeredithContributing Writer

Julie GundersonContributing Photographer

Tony BorekStaff Cartoonist

The Best of DU Magazine is a tradition celebrating May Days and summer, and has been distributed an-nually on campus since 2011. Written anonymously by Clarion staff, it is a compilation of individual opinions and is not designed to refl ect the opinions of DU or its faculty, staff, or students. The opinions expressed here also do not necessarily refl ect the views of the Clarion.

CONNOR W. DAVISEditor-in-Chief

MEG MCINTYREExecutive Editor

ANDREW MATRANGAFaculty Advisor

ASHLYN STEWARTCopy Chief

KATHERINE GIBSONDesign Manager

JILLIAN QUERISports Editor

GUSTO KUBIAKPhotography Editor

PAUL HEINENWeb Editor

NIKKI FRICKSocial Media

Director

GAIN HAGENAUBusiness Manager

RODERICK O’DORSIOFinancial Manager

JOHN POENews Editor

KELLSIE BRANNENLifestyles Editor

COURTNEY LUSTERAssistant Lifestyles EditorMADELINE ZANNEntertainment Editor ADAM LUJANASSISTANT Entertainment Editor

ADRIAN BOGARTOpinions Editor

ContentsPlaces

Campus Life

Food

Crime Reports

Oh the Things We DU

Arts and Entertainment

People

Letter to the Editor

A Final Word

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PlacesEspresso machines whir

with a pleasant hum similar to that of jets on the runway. Sunlight fi lls the room with the charm of an interrogation bulb. A constant clamber of footfalls provides mood music akin to a score of drum kits.

Young, industrious in-dividuals plop themselves into the generic straight back chairs and open one of their many electronic devices. They are desperate to fi nd a place they can study; it’s all too easy to lose their advanced social media standing if they miss even one opportunity to check their newsfeeds.

Can such an oasis be

Best Places to Hide from your Unwanted AdmirerEverybody attracts differ-

ent types of people. For some of us, it tends to be the overly-attached “stalker” type. May-be we’re too polite. Maybe something about us screams, “FOLLOW THEIR EVERY MOVE.”

Either way, we know the strategies of avoiding some-body who’s crushing just a little too hard.

So, from all of us who have felt personally victimized by the TV series “Stalkers,” we present the best places at DU to hide:

1. The Library BasementOut of ALL places at DU

to hide, this is by far the best. From individual study cubicles

that prevent the possibility of an unwanted “study buddy” to up-perclassmen who are more than willing to shoot death glares at the slightest whisper, this place is a haven for alone time, espe-cially when studying.

Bonus points if you throw a blanket over your study cubicle, blocking out all contact to the outside world.

2. With a friendFor most people, it’s intimi-

dating enough to approach one person you’re crushing on. But approaching your crush who is also with a friend? Impossible. Spot your pursuer already making his or her way to-wards you on the other end of Driscoll Bridge? Time to make

a new friend! Just fi nd somebody and

pretend you know them—most people at DU are kind enough to continue a conversation, even if it’s weirdly out-of-the-blue. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet your new best friend.

3. With a signifi cant otherOne fateful February eve-

ning, one of our Clarion writers was texting someone we’ll call “John,” a guy who she had dat-ed for a few months, and com-plained to him about excessive Facebook messages from one of her admirers. He calmly sug-gested she avoid confrontation by simply changing her rela-tionship status to “In a relation-ship”...with John. She accepted

and they ended up dating for an-other few months, but in reality it was the fi rst of many mistakes to be made in that relationship.

The point? Don’t start dat-ing somebody in order to avoid a stalker. That said, if you ARE dating someone, it’s the most convenient method of avoiding a stalker or hard-core crusher.

Just don’t be that person who blurts out “I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP” to every person who will listen. That’s annoying.

4. Gym Locker RoomPossibly the worst kind of

stalkers are gym stalkers. It could be a guy eyeballing you while lifting weights and grunt-ing unnaturally. It could be the

Best First Date Location: Jazzman’s Cafe

JULIE GUNDERSON|CLARION

Best Places to Hide from your Unwanted Admirer

Best First Date Location: Jazzman’s Cafefound amid humdrum campus life? A perfect DU student sanctuary that will be sure to impress a fi rst date? As many a DU student might say, “Is this real life?”

Well, intrepid reader, it is real life. Such a superb place does exist, and right in your backyard. The delightful venue in question is Jazzman’s Café, located within the Driscoll Stu-dent Center.

The aforementioned ambi-ance of this fi ne dining estab-lishment is truly something special. It can be hard to fi nd a spot with the right vibes for a fi rst date between two college students – especially in Denver,

which simply does not have enough restaurants.

In addition to the restau-rant’s aura, its delectable dishes will leave your date dumb-founded. Some of its highlights include microwave-your-own burritos, Rice Krispie treats completed with another obscure rainbow cereal, and crumbling baked goods. There are also hand-tossed, pre-packaged sal-ads (because that combination totally makes sense) to nosh on, if you’re health-conscious.

The prices are reasonable: you can spend a few dollars on one bagel with one packet of cream cheese as opposed to a meal swipe for as many bagels

with as much cream cheese as you can possibly desire. Same goes for coffee and tea: you can spend a few bucks for a cup the size of your choosing as op-posed to using the same afore-mentioned meal swipe to fi ll as many canisters as you want with a drink of your choosing.

Your date will surely be wowed by your generous usage of scarce meal plan cash, par-ticularly if you have allowed the love to blossom throughout the quarter and haven’t taken her/him out until you are down to the perilous $19-level.

(If you’re no longer on a DU meal plan, good luck.)

The icing on the cake,

or perhaps the whip atop the smoothie, is that you can buy bottled drinks and pre-bagged snacks to share with your date for at least a 33 percent mark-up from your average grocer. Don’t worry – you will receive 18 percent off the marked-up price if you use meal plan cash or fl ex!

Jazzman’s is open from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Thursday, and from 7:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Fridays.

Unfortunately, the café is closed on the weekends. To ac-commodate this clearly ratio-nal business decision, consider “keeping it casual” and moving your date to a weekday.

girl who takes, of all open tread-mills, the one right next to you and who sees your speed adjust-ments as a personal challenge.

Next time your bubble is undesirably popped, book it for the locker room. Somebody of the opposite gender will not be able to enter and somebody of the same gender will hopefully fi nd it too uncomfortable to

continue a conversation.

5. The Fourth Floor of Sturm

Nobody, I repeat: NO-BODY, willingly walks up those Sturm stairs if they don’t have to. So, as long as your admirer doesn’t have a class up there, roam the empty classrooms and hallways freely. It’s also conve-

nient if you want to escape an undesired chat, because even most varsity athletes cannot car-ry on a conversation while haul-ing themselves up those stairs.

Ultimately, you’ll have to talk it out with your admirer. He or she may feel frustrating-ly friend-zoned, but it’s better than keeping his or her hopes

up through your entire college career. Worst case scenario, it is possible to block people on all forms of social media and block phone numbers from tex-ting or calling.

You could also program a drone to shoot a water gun at your admirer every time he/she is within a 100-foot radius of you. Your choice.

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PlacesBest Places to Instagram on Campus

1. Ritchie Center Golden SpireOkay, we have a giant golden spire on our campus. You can see it from miles away. You can capture it juxtaposed to a beautiful sunset, lit up at night or even from a distance, poking up from the Denver skyline. If our Gryffi ndor-like school colors didn’t already do so, this will convince your non-DU friends that you’re attending Hogwarts.

Colorado is gorgeous. Our campus is gorgeous. DU was basically designed for Instagram.

2. Sturm College of LawAlso sporting the spire theme, this building always looks awesome. It’s especially photogenic because it’s positioned perfectly next to the quad, so you can take pic-tures of it from a variety of angles without having to worry about an ugly fore-ground.

5. Anderson Academic CommonsIt’s recently renovated, is close to greenery and is also decorated with a fountain. It’s also fun for interpretive posing outside the non-sensical statues.

7. EVERYWHEREWith some creativity and the right lighting, even the ugliest parts of campus look beautiful compared to many other college campuses. Just remember to take a moment to truly appreciate the natural beauty around you before you go Instagram-nuts.

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Best Places to Instagram on CampusPlaces

4. Anywhere in the Lily GardenAlthough this area is more photogenic during the warm months when the ponds are fi lled, the landscape design still lends itself to snow-fi lled tree pictures and grove-like paradise.

6. Washington ParkNo, it’s not technically “on-campus,”

but it’s really close. There are lakes, tennis courts, acres of green space,

and a view of the mountains. It is perfect to not only show off the

beautiful Denver landscape, but also to show off the recreation time you

have without Friday classes.

3. Anywhere with a View of the MountainsThere aren’t too many universities that can boast such easy access to mountains—capture a view of them from practically anywhere in Denver for the ultimate “I live in an amazing place” photo.

All photos by Nikki Frick

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Still landscape-impaired? Try out some of these spots on campus for nearly

fool-proof pictures.

Campus LifeCampus Life

Hey, why are those girls

sunbathing?

Because the sun came

out.

But it’s 30 degrees

outside! Are they crazy?

No, they’re fromMinnesota.

Can be spotted a mile away by her/his down jacket, hat, mittens, scarves and winter boots. It is still unknown whether s/he removes layers to shower or only washes hair and face until Spring arrives.

Won’t stop talking about how great the weather is while si-multaneously bragging about how s/he has lived in polar tun-dra for 18 years of her/his life.

Sports a “Native” bumper sticker on water bottle, car, bike and lap-top. Known to criticize any non-native if s/he makes any note of Colorado’s beauty. Feels inher-ently superior to all other students.

Best DU Stereotypes (continued on next page)

The

Mid

wes

tern

er

The

Cal

ifor

nian

/ Sou

ther

ner

The

Nat

ive

Col

orad

an

Campus LifeBest DU Stereotypes (continued on next page)

Wears combination of flowy yoga clothes and handmade objects. Majoring in environmental sci-ence or intercultural global stud-ies. Frequently complains about DU’s waste policies. Talks about how the body is a temple, but decides to pierce body with mul-tiple metal studs and fill it with questionable smoked substances.

Tries too hard at being sarcastic and laughs for far too long when some-thing funny does happen. Brags about a Yik Yak score that was achieved by re-posting old jokes, but also criti-cizes anybody else who re-posts. Tells everybody to watch her/his improv show. Has Netflix for the sole purpose of watching stand-up and Seinfeld.

Is a member of five clubs, cap-tain of two club sports, consis-tently appears on the Dean’s List and the Hornbeck Scholar list, spends an entire year abroad, and will graduate a year ear-ly. Nobody really knows how s/he survives. Future CEO/ president/ Nobel Prize winner.

The O

verachiever

The Self-M

ade Com

edian

The V

egan Hippie

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Campus Life

Only owns Vineyard Vines DU ap-parel and shirts with greek letters across the front. Commonly says phrase, “Who do you know?” upon entering a room. Has pictures of himself chugging some type of al-cohol as desktop background, which will inevitably end up on a projec-tor during group presentations.

Refuses to travel anywhere with-out a taped-on ice pack protruding from body. Wears uniform 24/7 and travels in packs with others of same sport. Has some sort of tattoo dedicated to her/his sport.

Always wears riding boots, leg-gings, a flannel shirt and vest. Most consistent appearance on campus is the Friday morning post-party walk home. Gets eas-ily upset when the Starbucks espresso machine is out of order.

The

Var

sity

Ath

lete

Best DU Stereotypes (continued)

The

Gre

ek L

ife

Dud

e

The

Gre

ek L

ife

Gir

l 10

Campus Life

Is always in a music/art build-ing. Already embracing fu-ture life without money by not caring about appearance of clothes. Overlaps frequently with vegan hippie category.

Has double major/minor in art or music. Also tries to define life with art by ex-pressing self through cloth-ing, but will likely end up in office job by the age of 25.

Best DU Stereotypes (continued)

The A

rtist

The C

loset Artist

The C

larion Writer

Spends every Thursday night and Friday morning frantically writ-ing stories and Monday nights in production meetings. Shameless-ly plugs the Clarion Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages be-cause we write cool stuff and want you to read it sometimes.

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All illustrations by Tony Borek

Campus LifeCampus LifeBest Smell on Campus: Nagel E levators

As the newest dorm—and the one that bears the closest resemblance to the British-Wizarding school headquarters, Hogwarts—Nagel Residence Hall is of-ten the first choice for sec-ond year on-campus living.

Nagel is not without its perks. The fourth and fifth floor suites contain kitchens, the first floor has its own laundry room, and, all over the building, residents have access to their own single-occupancy locked rooms.

One of the best parts about living in the Nagel Residence Hall is unques-tionably the dining hall el-evator. For sake of conve-nience, this elevator goes from the bowels of the din-ing hall to the attic, and can fit 28 people at a time. Why this elevator is big enough to house a small Indonesian elephant, all of the members of the Sigma Chi fraternity, the leftovers from one meal

in the dining hall and all of the former chancellors of DU at the same time has, unfortu-nately, never been answered.

Though we at the Clarion have never personally seen this many people packed into the eleva-tor, we have exper i enced more than our fair share of unique smells inside that re-sult from its heavy usage. In a manner r e m i n i s c e n t of Dr. Pep-per, the oc-cupants of the Nagel Residence Hall have successfully found a way to stink up the elevator in more than 28 flavors.

Additionally, the elevator seems to be a continuation of some Biology student’s end-of-term lab project, because a

vast collection of stains (some growing mold) change and evolve as the dirt accumulates along the floor. These stains have vaguely resembled cat puke, toddler diarrhea, and

Mr. Chow’s frozen egg rolls dipping sauce—often all at once.

The Nagel elevator has a unique ambi-ence provided by the com-post and trash r e c e p t a c l e s on the din-ing hall floor and the vents from the

kitchen, allowing for mem-orable scent combinations like “extra spicy Szechuan broccoli meets yesterday’s expired yogurt disposal” or “flowery perfume with cin-namon and sandalwood un-dertones meets tuna salad

with extra mayonnaise.” Yankee Candles could

truly do some great business by utilizing these innovative scent combinations in its next product line, simply titled, “Elevator Stink.”

Plus, you can count on the elevator to not work at the most inopportune times: when you’re late for class, when you arrive on the ground level only to realize you forgot your paper, and–of course–when you have arm-fuls of new journals and text-books to carry.

Additionally, the eleva-tor has become a kind of un-canny matchmaker. When you enter the elevator and find an attractive member

The fi nest things in life are often free. The scintillat-ing scent of Subway wafting throughout the Driscoll Student Center is one of those things.

There are a few distinct stages on the trudge from Nagel or Nelson or J-Mac to Sturm. There’s the trek in front of the Knoebel School past the frisbee-playing bros and guitar-playing hippies on the green, followed by the always-awkward walk across Driscoll Bridge, when you’re accosted by aggressive tablers, followed by the best part of the campus commute: the free smells wafting from Subway’s location in Driscoll Underground.

DU students were sudden-ly graced with the scintillat-ing scents of bread baking and lettuce rotting when Subway, after many delays and post-ponements, opened its doors last year to the delight of all those whose noses appreciate a good sniff.

“In a manner reminiscent of Dr. Pepper, the occu-pants of the Nagel Residence Hall have successfully found a way to stink up the elevator in more than 28 � avors.”

Other Finalists for “Best Smell on Campus” 1. The lint trap on a dryer in Halls

2. The rooms dedicated only to garbage in Halls and Towers

3. Any time anyone uses the dorm’s single fl oor kitchen

4. Free pizza at club meetings and speaker events (let’s face it, why else would you go?)

5. The car on the drive home from a long day of skiing

Best Smell on Campus Runner Up: Subway’s Rotting Lettuce

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Best Smell on Campus: Nagel E levatorsCampus Life

Best Smell on Campus Runner Up: Subway’s Rotting LettuceThough we all miss The

Pub, a sports-themed restaurant that formerly occupied that space in Driscoll, its smells could not compare to Subway. The Pub served breakfast all day and decent curly fries, but neither of those offered olfac-tory alms to passersby.

Other campus eateries also run by Sodexo, such as Jazzman’s, lack the nasal al-lure of Subway. Do toasting bagels and mediocre coffee compare to luxurious bread? Never. Does the high-pitched whirring of blenders add to the

sensation? Hardly. Additional-ly, the ambiguous, smooth jazz constantly blasting on speakers overloads the senses.

Though Nagel Hall’s din-ing area offers a different ar-ray of foods, its smells just don’t compare to Subway. Ibis’s grievously over-fried, rubber-esque tofu cubes and oily sauces coupled with Salsa Rico’s day-old guac make for an interesting, albeit under-whelming scent experience when compared with Subway’s distinctive lettuce.

Truly, no scent compares

to the backside of Subway, which is partially open via a weird mesh-screen-thing to the Driscoll Underground, where students (and a certain student publication) come to study, and clubs come to meet and wage war by embarking on epic board game adventures.

After a long weekend of being closed or a power out-age and fridge malfunction, the Driscoll Underground can become overwhelmed by a malodorous, funky stench that could make a New York City sewage worker blush.

So Pios, treat yo’self to a free smell and stroll past (or even into) Driscoll Under-ground’s Subway to enjoy a delight to both the taste buds and whatever biological entity smells smells.

Other contenders for run-ner-up for the best smell on campus this year included the horrid bro-stank of your stoner roommate trying to extract hash oil, the armpit on the Boone mascot costume, any Centenni-al Halls bathroom after a party and the smell of spring rain on a copper roof.

of the opposite sex inside, it will undoubtedly stink to high heaven, and you both will shoot awkward glances at each other, as you question the other’s flatulence while simultaneously attempting to deny via eye contact that it was your own.

If this awkward scenario isn’t worthy of a Nicholas Sparks novel romance, then we’re not quite sure what is.

Overall, the Nagel Resi-dence Hall is a great place to live. The in-house laundry, study, and relaxation rooms make it one of the best choic-es for on-campus living. Just make sure to pack a gas mask for the elevator along with your clothes and toiletries. LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

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Campus LifeBest Reason to be Late to Class Winner: Getting Einstein’s

Best Reason to be Late to Class Runner Up: Scooter Tra� c

Normally, non-business majors have good reason to stay away from the marble- and brass-lined halls of DU’s prestigious Daniels College of Business (DCB), but as of last year, the commoners and plebeians of every other, lesser major now have a rea-son to enter the sanctum of commerce and industry: The Einstein Bros. bagel shop in DCB’s cafeteria.

This bagel joint is the best reason Pioneers have to be late to their classes. De-spite the dirty looks from business students one might earn while entering DCB’s ivy-lined walls and self-contained mini-campus, lib-eral arts and science-orient-ed Pioneers muster up the chutzpah to mosey into the Marcus Commons for a de-lightful bagel experience.

Whether one fancies liv-ing on the wild side with an everything bagel topped with garden veggie cream cheese or a cinnamon raisin with honey-walnut schmear, shoppers at Einstein’s are al-ways in for a treat.

Einstein’s wide variety of bagels, which come with a hearty schmear of cream cheese and run less than $2, are all superior to those available at Jazzman’s and at the dining halls; instead

of the spongy, Wonderbread-like bagels available at other Sodexo re-tailers, those at Einstein’s are fresh-baked to perfection with a moist and warm in-terior and well-toast-ed exterior.

If you’re utterly and com-pletely basic and searching for an option with less fat, fewer calories and

none of the good things that make life worth living,

don your Uggs, Lululemons and

North Face jacket and opt for a “ t h i n t a s -tic” bagel, which is b a s i c a l l y a bagel that has been gut-

ted and has the look and feel

of a cracker with schmear. They start at 160 calories, apparently.

One would think that in order to stay in tip-top shape, DU’s elite athlete community would walk or bike to class like the rest of us Pioneer schmucks.

They do not, however: The privileged few (#1%, ami-right?) ride on motor scooters, often making the arduous, al-most Tolkensian journey from the Ritchie Center to Sturm and back.

The scooter traffi c (and its

constant presence on campus) is the only other reason to be late to your DU classes.

DU athletes already get gear, green and orange water bottles (yes, other people know about those) and various perks, so the very least they can do is avoid scootering through puddles or directly in the way of people who have to use their legs to travel to class.

In fact, the scooter traffi c and parking in bicycle areas

(please note, scooter riders, that bicycles and scooters are not the same thing) became such an issue this school year that the Department of Campus Safety began regulating scoot-ers and issuing them special parking permits.

We can only hope that this is the fi rst salvo in reining in the use of errant scooters by DU’s athletes, and–of course–the fi rst step in helping us fi nd other excuses to be late to class.

Although some may have doubted the necessity of hav-ing a bagel shop on campus with Bruegger’s literally across the street from cam-pus, it’s clear that students can shop at either Einstein’s or Brueggers for a different type of bagel experience. As DCB students are wont to re-mind us, if one lets the free market work, it often works just fi ne.

Pios can now thank Ein-steins for being able to walk proudly late into Friday class-es, bagel in hand, still wear-ing the haze and fog of the night before.

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Campus LifePioneer Problems: Best of Boone

Hey man, can I

get a beer?

No Dude, I don’t care. I

just don’t want to get you a

beer.

I’m 21... look,

here’s my I.D.

Areyou kidding me!?These guys can’t

even talk!

Ever since Boone got firedfrom his position as mascot at DU,

he’s been trying to get his job back...

Unfortunately, we’llonly be seeing two more

today. Elk and Jackalope,come back with me.

However, thecompetion has been steep...

Moo?

As we all know, our beloved mascot was banned from campus during the 2013-2014 school year. Here’s some insight into what he’s been up to since then.

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FoodBest Way to Lose Weight: Be a Vegetarian on a Sodexo Meal Plan

The beginning, predict-ably, occurs right around the start of DU’s winter break. Your parents’ fully stocked fridge, an unusual amount of free time and the combi-nation of Thanksgiving and Christmas all often lead to the dreaded holiday weight gain. But this year, instead of slaving away on the treadmill and fi ghting the Resolutioner gym crowd, DU and Sodexo have part-nered to create a diet plan especially for students!

Curious as you are, you might be wondering what the requirements of such a meal plan would be. Well, dear student, all you have to do is be a vegetarian, vegan, or have any kind of food intolerance for the diet

plan to work.This diet plan is extremely

accessible, is found in all the dining halls, and in fact may be your only choice for food (unless your roommates are food hoarders, in which case you can probably fi nd some crumbs under their beds or in your shared mini-fridge). The plan’s guarantee ensures that vegetarians will lose at least fi ve to 10 pounds, and a 50 percent reduction in body fat can be expected for anyone brave enough to try to stick to a vegan diet.

Throughout the mornings, Sodexo workers thoughtfully prepare the breakfast foods for eager students. These in-clude bacon, sausage, sau-sage patties, oatmeal gloop, and more sausage. If you’re

a vegetarian, plan to eat this oatmeal for about a week.

After several weeks of hapless combinations, which might include oatmeal with maple syrup, oatmeal with peanut butter, oatmeal with honey and oatmeal with oat-meal, you might fi nd yourself tiring of the stuff. Eventually, vegetarian students have no choice but to pretend to ig-nore the bits of gravel they fi nd occasionally fl oating in the oatmeal, and must resort to choking down the glue-like consistency as one would in the earlier stages of life when our parents forced us to eat green baby food.

Not to worry—the So-dexo cafeteria manager has conducted several blind taste tests with dorm hall residents

to ensure that the oatmeal is marginally better in taste and texture than Fancy Feast: Tuna fl avor. However, these taste tests are only repeated every few years, so no prom-ises can be made on the oat-meal released this year.

Eventually, vegetarian/vegan students can expect to become so repulsed by the sight of the oatmeal vat itself that they will resort to skip-ping breakfast. Calorie count for this meal, zero. One point for Sodexo, zero points for Fancy Feast.

But wait! By the time lunch rolls around (given you have the strength to haul yourself and 20 pounds of textbooks all the way from Sturm to Nelson on a mea-sly bowl of oatmeal), Sodexo

Pizza is the mythical am-brosia of college dining: si-multaneously cheap, filling, delicious and ubiquitous. Even though pizza joints are all around DU, none could rival Zaza’s, which, to our shock, closed in late 2014 to be replaced by yet another sandwich joint.

Losing Zaza’s was as sudden as it was heart-wrenching; one day students walked by and it was closed. Though we might think our hearts are in pain over its loss, that feeling is really just the cholesterol from Zaza’s cheese leaving our collective

clogged veins. Frankly, those arteries are probably breath-ing a little easier with Zaza’s closure.

Without Zaza’s, how-ever, University Boulevard takes another tumble down the road to irrelevance and oblivion; the one-block strip between Asbury and Evans seems more and more like a rundown street in Detroit as of late–dirty, increasingly sketchy, always busy with traffic and filled with retail-ers and emporiums nobody wants to actually visit, like a head shop, a tanning salon, a wretched pho restaurant and a

Best Pizza Place We’ll Miss: Zaza’sPizza Pie Chart: Reasons We Loved Zaza’s

Conv

enie

nce

10%

Price10%

Atmosphere10%

How

long

it to

ok to

get y

our

orde

r50

%

The scorching temperature

of the pizza20%

Best Way to Lose Weight: Be a Vegetarian on a Sodexo Meal Plan

Best Pizza Place We’ll Miss: Zaza’sfew sleazy bars.

Increased vehicle traf-fic congestion and the loss of gems like Zaza’s and Jor-dan’s sour our taste for Uni-versity Boulevard.

Of course, part of what makes us miss these places so much is the experiences they provided. For example, order-ing any food at Zaza’s was an adventure in itself. When a customer walked in, one of the bevvy of men behind the counter would take the order and ring it up. If the order was pizza, an ancient, Hephaestus-like hobbit would take a slice from a pre-made pie and ardu-

ously slide it into the pizza oven using a wooden pizza paddle. Apparently they also had to light a wood-burning fire under the pizza oven ev-ery time someone placed an order, because the process of warming and plating even a single slice of pizza often took the better part of 15 minutes.

Of course, that is one of the reasons Zaza’s was so special; in that quarter of an hour, one could unwind from the stress of everyday life while enjoying one of Zaza’s alcoholic beverages, which included wine (and always made customers feel like

classy alcoholics). Besides pizza, Zaza’s also

served salads and pasta, both of which were good, and both of which could be delivered. Ordering good food in your underwear from the comfort of your home or dorm? Check.

The loss of Zaza’s of-fers an opportunity to reflect. Walking down University near dusk across fallen leaves, the tragedy of Zaza’s makes us think of the endless circle of life.

Some pizza places close down never to return, and some stay open for a lifetime. And that’s okay. Some people

come in and out of our lives, and instead of worrying about when or if we might lose them, we should just enjoy our pizza.

Zaza’s was a diamond in the rough for the DU com-munity. Students may be hard-pressed to find another locally-owned, clean, quality eatery near campus that has convenient hours and delivers. In fact, it seems the only shin-ing stars on the dreary street that is University Boulevard are now Nova Frozen Yogurt and Asbury Provisions.

Oh Zaza’s, we hardly knew ye.

“Best of luck to any vegetarian brave enough to face the literal hunger games at dinner.”

ensures vegetarians/vegans a variety of healthy, accessible options. However, if you don’t feel an immedi-ate drop of drool from the thought of lentil bits n’ bobs, you might just be out of luck.

I n n o v a -tion is the Sodexo way, and this be-comes over-w h e l m i n g apparent as the same lentil goop has often been repur-posed in several exciting ways. This includes: bean stew, lentil n’ bean soup, and lentil mush. Students need

not get anxious that the len-til will run out, because the same three options will ap-

pear for e v e r y s i n g l e l u n c h through-out the next year.

If, in fact, you are a nor-mal per-son and not a len-til-fueled account-

ing-major robot, feel free to help yourself to hummus or peanut butter sandwiches. To truly provide good quality spreads, the cafeteria displays these, alongside jam, jelly,

and cream cheese, in giant, uncovered bowls that become some kind of hospice for the cafeteria fruit fl ies and gnats.

This is clearly an excel-lent and avant-garde manner of providing vegetarians and vegans with another kind of protein, albeit crunchier than most types of tofu.

Unfortunately, dinner doesn’t get much better. For those looking for a nutri-tious meal after lunch, this author suggests digging in the ground for ants outside of Nelson and Nagel halls. As a last resort, maybe try tree bark. The only options for vegetarians inside after 2 p.m. are the salad bar, mac and cheese, and burritos. The vegetables in the salad bar are often some combination

of off-colored, moldy, and slimy by the end of the day. On a scale that ranks the qual-ity of mac and cheese from zero to your sweet granny’s homemade version, this one would register as a negative 100. And for anyone who even considers the burrito, re-member the old adage: “they go in one end and explode out the other.” Best of luck to any vegetarian brave enough to face the literal hunger games at dinner.

The best part of this diet? It’s cost effective, as Sodexo and DU have taken into con-sideration the infl ated costs of college tuition and common-ality of student loans. In fact, they’ve decided this meal plan can be yours for only $1,300 a year. Cheers to that!

17

Food

It’s said that variety is the spice of life. In many cases this is true, unless the spice is garlic salt, which can stand on its own (and which you can never have too much of).

The culinary landscape of the DU neighborhood certain-ly doesn’t lack for variety; here, one can sample cuisines from many nationalities, styles, chains and chefs. Whether students seek Mexican food, breakfast food, pizza or Asian food, any taste or want can be satisfi ed. The most unneces-sary genre of restaurants in our corner of the world, how-ever, is sandwich joints, which have proliferated in the past few years.

This category of eatery has risen within a few blocks and a few miles of campus. Though they vary in style and appearance, the core of their menu contains something or somethings between two pieces of bread. The shops are ubiquitous: Fat Jack’s, Fat Shack, Potbelly, Jimmy John’s, Deli Zone, Snarf’s and the sultan of sandwiches, Subway. The litany goes on and on.

The most heinous of this braintrust is Fat Shack, located in the crypt formerly known as Zaza’s on Evans Avenue. The fare served here barely passes as food, and certainly not as sandwiches, though the unholy monstrosities are com-posed of technically edible items crammed between slices of bread.

By themselves, chicken fi ngers, french fries, onion rings, mozzarella sticks and honey mustard sound relatively ap-petizing. But put together, on a sandwich, you now have a veritable heart attack-on-a-bun called the “Fat Doobie.” Other menu choices, such as the aptly-named “Fat Slob,” which entails cheesesteak, chicken fi ngers, mozzarella sticks, french fries, ketchup & mayo on a bun are literally certain to require an angioplasty or a visit to the ER.

The only time that even considering Fat Shack is accept-

Jimmy John’s #5: Vito

Deli Zone: BLT Sandwich

Subway: Spicy Italian

Snarf’s: Italian Sandwich

Best Unnecessary Restaurants Near DU: Sandwich Joints18

FoodBest Unnecessary Restaurants Near DU: Sandwich Joints

able is after 2 a.m., since that is the only time the shop doesn’t look like a greasy ghost town. In the wee morning hours, we apparently forget about the warning given to us by straining, groaning couches, over-worked hearts and our moral com-passes, all of which vigorously object to Fat Shack’s excuse for food.

While other sandwich shops sell food that actual human beings can eat, many of their menus are very similar. Is Jim-my John’s so different from Fat Jack’s? Does the community truly need this many places that serve the same thing? Appar-ently the market and the pockets of DU students keep these establishments in business, though we at the Clarion fail to see how.

Another issue is the proximity of these shops. Jimmy John’s, Subway and Fat Shack exist basically as neighbors on the bustling and shabby Evans Avenue; the three sand-wich shops offer their wares within three hundred feet of one another. While we appreciate the choice and freedom to eat whatever we want, we’re baffl ed by the fact that these three cousins could co-exist side-by-side.

The proximity and volume of these establishments also begs the question: Why would customers spend money on something they could easily make at home? A sandwich is not a fi let mignon, or a souffl é that takes skill and talent to make. A sandwich could be made—nay, assembled—by a monkey, or even a fraternity brother, given the right ingredients.

So Pioneers, don’t support the Capitalist sandwich glut-tons that are crowding our college and clogging our poor arteries–rather, save seven dollars and make a sandwich yourself. They’re made with better ingredients and are far, far better for you. And who knows, if you find yourself enjoying the process, there might even be a job in it for you somewhere.

Fat Jack’s #5: Giovanni

Fat Shack: Fat Doobie

Potbelly: ItalianPotbelly: Italian

19

Crime ReportsSome of the best of the DU Crime Reports from this year, as selected by Clarion staff: On Monday, September 1, 2014 at 3:40 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding a toilet which had detached from a wall in Sturm Hall. Facilities was made aware of the situation. On Thursday, September 4, 2014 at 1:43 p.m., DCS took a report from a student regard-ing the theft of their bicycle from a bike rack just outside of Johnson-Mc-Farlane Hall. The student stated that they had only se-cured the front tire of the bike to the rack and that when they returned to retrieve it, only the tire remained. On Thursday, Septem-ber 4, 2014 at 2:38 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a vehicular collision in parking lot 302. Upon ar-rival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that they had

struck a garbage can while operating a univer-sity owned vehicle. There were no injuries to report. On Sunday, September 7, 2014 at 2:25 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding

a fight in progress just outside of Nelson

Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers

contacted three s t u d e n t s who at-

t e m p t e d to flee the

scene on foot. One

student was apprehended . Due to the stu-

dent’s injuries, paramed-ics were called and trans-ported the student to Denver Health for further care. On Friday, September 12, 2014 at 1:30 a.m., DCS responded to a call from a student who stated that they had been assaulted by an un-known party while walking on the 2000 block of South University Boulevard. The student stated that the un-k n o w n party ran up to

them and s t r u c k

t h e m

several times in the face and that they were unsure of the reason for the attack. DPD responded to the scene and took an additional re-port regarding the incident. On Sunday, September 14, 2014 at 11:29 a.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding vandalism to the Delta Delta Delta Sorority House. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted two students who stated that toilet paper and eggs had been used to vandal-ize the property overnight. On Monday, Septem-ber 15, 2014 at 3:38 a.m., DCS responded to a call regarding an un-affiliated party who was sleep-ing in a shower inside of the Anderson Aca-demic Commons. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the party in question and deter-mined that they had an active warrant for their arrest. DPD was called to the scene where they ar-rested the party in ques-tion and transported them to the Denver County Jail.

On Thursday, October 2, 2014 at 2:30 a.m., DCS responded to a re-quest for assistance from the Denver Police Department (DPD) who stated that they had four students in their custody. Upon arrival at the scene, DCS officers spoke with DPD officers who stat-ed that the four students had

climbed onto the roof of a business near campus and caused a disruption in elec-trical service. DPD further stated that a fifth student had been involved but that they had fled the scene. The four students on scene were all cited for trespassing and a warrant was issued for the arrest of the fifth student. On Thursday, October 2, 2014 at 10:09 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding the attempted rob-bery of a student in the Harp-er Humanities Gardens. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the student in ques-tion and a group of seven un-affiliated parties. The student stated that one of the unaffili-

ated parties had tried to take their backpack

from them. All seven unaffiliated parties were for-mally trespassed from campus.

On Sunday, October 5, 2014 at 2:43 a.m., DCS responded to a call regard-ing a water leak in Centennial

Towers. Upon arrival at the scene, officers determined that the source of the leak was a shower in a residential room which was occupied by an intoxicated student. Because Denver Cares was no longer providing trans-portation to their facility, DPD responded to the scene and transported the student to Denver Cares. Facilities was made aware of the leak.

DCS responded to a call regarding a toilet which had detached from a wall in Sturm Hall. Facilities was made aware of the situation.

On Thursday, September 4, 2014 at 1:43

DCS took a report from a student regard-ing the theft of their

7, 2014 at 2:25 a.m., DCS responded

to a call regarding a fight in progress

just outside of Nelson Hall. Upon arrival at

the scene, officers contacted three

s t u d e n t s who at-

t e m p t e d to flee the

scene on foot. One

student was apprehended . Due to the stu-

in parking lot 302. Upon ar-rival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that they had

student stated that the un-k n o w n party ran up to

them and s t r u c k

t h e m

a.m., DCS responded to a call regarding an un-affiliated party who was sleep-ing in a shower inside of the Anderson Aca-demic Commons. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the party in question and deter-mined that they had an active warrant for their arrest. DPD was called to the scene where they ar-rested the party in ques-tion and transported them to the Denver County Jail.

affiliated parties. The student stated that one of the unaffili-

ated parties had tried to take their backpack

from them. All seven unaffiliated parties were for-mally trespassed from campus.

On Sunday, October 5, 2014 at 2:43 a.m., DCS responded to a call regard-ing a water leak in Centennial

Towers. Upon arrival at the

Crime ReportsOn Thursday, Octo-ber 9, 2014 at 8:00p.m., during routine re-view of surveil-lance footage, a DCS officer observed two males entering the Sigma Al-pha Epsilon (SAE) fraternity house with two dangerous weapons. Officers responded to the scene and recovered the weapons which no residents claimed responsibility for. On Friday, October 17, 2014 at 12:46 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding the theft of a univer-sity owned trailer from park-ing lot 118. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that the last time they had seen the trailer was on 10/13/14. The staff member further stated that there was approximately $2,000 worth of construc-tion equipment on the trailer. On Friday, October 17, 2014 at 6:05 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a suspicious male inspecting bicycles at a bike rack near Centennial Tow-ers. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the male in question and deter-mined that they were a cur-rent student with a legitimate reason to be near the rack. On Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 8:27 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding plastic pellets being fired towards the Kappa Sig-ma Fraternity House. Upon

arrival at the scene, officers con-

tacted the

H o u s e Director w h o stat-ed that the pel-lets were being fired f r o m the Lambda Chi Alpha house. Officers responded the Lambda Chi Alpha and confiscated two airsoft pellet guns, ammuni-tion and carbon dioxide tanks used to power the pellet guns.

On Tuesday, October 28, 2014 at 11:32 a.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding the theft of various items from a refrigerator in the Sturm College of Law. Upon arrival at the scene, of-ficers contacted two students who stated that over the past few months, several items have gone missing from the refrigerator. The students further stated that they’ve found several bottles of urine from an unknown source in the same refrigerator.

On Friday, October 31, 2014 at 7:54 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding the odor of mari-juana emanating from a residential room in John-son McFarlane Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, offi-cers contacted two students and confiscated marijua-na, fireworks and alcohol from the room in question.

On Wednes-day, Novem-

ber 5, 2014 at 9:32 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a stu-

dent directing traffic along East Evans Av-enue. Upon arrival at

the scene, officers deter-mined that the student was

putting themselves in danger by attempting to direct traffic and contacted the Denver Po-lice Department (DPD) and Greek Life. DPD arrived on the scene and ordered the stu-dent to stop directing traffic. Greek Life confirmed that the student was directing traffic as part of a hazing incident.

On Friday, November 7, 2014 at 5:30 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding suspicious activity in the Sturm College of Law. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a faculty member who stated that they believe an un-known party is entering their secured office and using their c o m p u t e r .

On Satur-day, No-v e m b e r 8, 2014 at 7:44 p.m., DCS re-sponded to a call re-garding two u n k n o w n i n d i v i d u -als entering

the construction site at the Daniel Felix School of En-gineering and Computer Science. Upon arrival at the scene, offi cers spoke with contractors who stated that there were several pieces of evidence indicating that the unknown parties had en-tered the site and attempted to operate heavy machinery.

On Sunday, November 9, 2014 at 1:11 a.m., DCS responded to a call regarding a physical alter-cation occurring near the corner of South Race Street and East Iliff Avenue. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted six students who stated that they had wit-nessed two unaffiliated par-ties fighting in the area. One of the students attempted to stop the fight and sustained minor injuries. The student in question was examined by paramedics and released.

w h o ed that lets were f r o m the Lambda Chi Alpha house. Officers responded the Lambda Chi Alpha and confiscated two

officers con-tacted the

On Wednes-day, Novem-

ber 5, 2014 at 9:32 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a stu-

dent directing traffic lance footage,

H o u s e Director w h o stat-

the pel-being fired

the Lambda Chi Alpha house. Officers

H o u s e Director w h o stat-

the pel-being fired

the Lambda

believe an un-known party is entering their secured office and using their c o m p u t e r .

On Satur-day, No-v e m b e r 8, 2014 at 7:44 p.m., DCS re-sponded to a call re-garding two u n k n o w n i n d i v i d u -als entering

by paramedics and released.

21

Crime ReportsOn Wednesday, No-vember 11, 2014 at 5:57 p.m., DCS re-sponded to a call regard-ing a stop sign which had been badly dam-aged at the intersection of East As-bury Avenue and South Race Street. Upon arrival at the scene, officers determined that the sign had been hit by a vehicle. On Monday, November 17, 2014 at 3:08 p.m., DCS took a report from three Sodexo employees re-garding threats made by a fourth Sodexo employee on 11/17/14. The fourth em-ployee was told not to return to campus after the incident. On Wednesday, No-vember 19, 2014 at2:19 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a possible mail box tampering incident in the University Place Apartments building. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with HRE staff and one student. A brief investigation of the incident was conducted and it was found that no mail box tampering had occurred. On Wednesday, No-vember 19, 2014 at 11:30 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding vandalism in Nagel Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted HRE staff who stated that a ceiling tile had been intentionally dam-aged by an unknown party.

On Thursday, November 20, 2014 at 4:10 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a razor blade which had been found between two piano keys in the New-man Center for the Perform-ing Arts. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that they had found the blade while playing the piano in ques-tion but that they had not been injured by it. Officers searched all other pianos in the building and did not find any additional razor blades. On Friday, November 21, 2014 at 12:23 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a blow torch which had been found in a resi-dential room in Centennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, offi-cers contacted HRE staff and confis-cated the torch. On Tuesday, N o v e m b e r 25, 2014 at 11:13 p.m.,

while on routine patrol, a DCS officer contacted an unaffiliated party who was sleeping in the Ritchie Cen-ter. The Denver Police De-partment (DPD) was called to the scene. The unaffili-ated party was transported to Denver County Jail by DPD.

On Sunday, January 5, 2015 at 2:13 a.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding an intoxicated stu-dent in Nagel Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted HRE staff who stated that the student had fled the building after push-ing them. Officers were un-able to locate the student. On Monday, January 5, 2015 at 8:00 a.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding the theft of a personal laptop from a residential room in Centennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, of-ficers contacted a student who stated that they had left the computer in their unsecured room multiple times over the weekend and were not sure exactly when it was stolen. On Monday, January 12, 2015 at 10:21 a.m., DCS and the Denver Fire De-partment (DFD) responded to a fire alarm at the Ridgeline Apartments Building. Upon arrival at the scene, officers

and DFD of-ficials deter-mined that the alarm was false and was caused by an unknown person ma-liciously ac-tivating it.

On Wednes-day, Janu-ary 14, 2015

at 8:09 a.m., DCS responded to a call regarding an unaffiliated party who has been send-ing suspicious e-mails to a faculty member. On Saturday, January 17, 2015 at 10:31 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding marijuana and drug paraphernalia which had been found in a restroom in Cen-tennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, officers took possession of the contraband and questioned one student suspect who denied having left the items in the restroom.

On Saturday, January 17, 2015 at 10:38 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a duffel bag full of empty alcohol containers which had been found in-side a restroom in Centen-nial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, officers took possession of the contain-ers and recycled them.

On Sunday, January 18, 2015 at 3:09 a.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding the attempted theft of a bicycle tire from Johnson-McFarlane Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contact-ed a student who stated that they had attempted to contact an unknown party who was carrying the tire in question. The party in question fled the scene and dropped the tire. The tire was taken into custody by DCS officers for safekeeping.

On Monday, January 19, 2015 at 3:59 p.m., DCS took a report from a staff member regarding the theft of items from their ve-hicle which was parked in lot E. Upon arrival at the scene, officers noted that an un-known person had cut open

On Wednesday, No-vember 11, 2014 at 5:57 p.m.,

22

Crime Reports

the soft top of the vehicle in order to gain entry. The staff member was advised to file an additional report with DPD.

On Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 1:02 a.m., DCS responded to a call from DPD regarding an ag-gravated assault which had occurred in the Vista Loft

apartments building near campus. Upon ar-rival at the scene, of-ficers contacted a stu-dent who stated that their roommate, also a student, had attacked them due to an argu-ment between the two. DPD advised DCS that the student who was ac-

cused of assault had been arrested and transported

to the Denver County Jail. On Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 6:08 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a dispute between roommates in Centennial Towers. Upon arrival at the scene, officers con-tacted three students who stated that one of them had come home to find a knife

stabbed into their desk af-ter the dispute. HRE was aware of the situation. On Tuesday, January 27, 2015 at 5:38 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding a vehicular col-lision in parking lot 124. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that they had backed the uni-versity owned vehicle they were driving into an elec-trical junction box. There were no injuries to report. On Tuesday, February 3, 2015 at 10:18 p.m., DCS responded to a call re-garding a domestic dispute between two students in Sturm Hall. Upon arrival at

the scene, officers contacted the students in question and called for Denver Police De-partment (DPD) assistance. Both students were lec-tured and released by DPD.

On Sunday, February 15, 2015 at 1:39 a.m., DCS responded to Evans and High Street regarding a vehicle collision. Upon arrival, they met with the Denver Police Department (DPD) who stated that a DU student struck the Je-rusalem’s restaurant while attempting to make a left turn at approximately 45 mph and ended up in the circle driveway of lot E. the DU student was ar-rested and charged with DUI and reckless driving.

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23

Our age is resplendent with marvels. We can make a phone call across the continent or across the world in no time at all. We can fl ing photos to all corners of the globe at light-ning speed. We can access all the world’s knowledge at our fi ngertips.

All of these marvels, of course, are contingent on our bedeviled, underappreci-ated and unreliable PioneerNet working on DU’s campus.

Using PioneerNet is like be-ing in an unstable relationship. Sometimes, things are fi ne and the web works with its users. Everyone is happy. Other times, one has two heart-pounding minutes before class to print something and the diva that is PioneerNet decides to take the day off.

A relationship with DU’s wifi is a love-hate relation-ship. We hate it all the time and love it when we graduate and move away.

We Pioneers are a little bit spoiled. Our campus buildings are coated in precious metals. We live in the nation’s most beautiful state, are within driv-ing distance of magnifi cent and mighty mountains and enjoy plenty of sunshine year-round. We take engaging courses from

Best Complicated Site to Force Student Compliance: Orgsync

Every year, wide-eyed stu-dents, fi lled with promise and the hope that they might change the world, decide to get together and form a club. Whether it’s a student alliance meant to cel-ebrate diversity or a herd of veg-ans joining together for vegan reasons, people can achieve great things when organized. Unfortunately, for any DU club to become “offi cial,” it must wade through the festering, foul swamp of bureaucracy. And no bureaucratic tool is more hei-nous than Orgsync.

Orgsync is a website likely designed by Daedalus, creator of the labyrinth that held the minotaur of King Minos, him-self; its intricacies and nuances require months of experience to navigate. At the center of this maze, however, one does not slay a minotaur; rather, one fi nds an increasingly complex and un-necessary mishmash of forms, requirements and useless data.

The worst thing about Org-sync, however, is that DU of-fi cials have made it a require-ment for our very existence. In order to form any club or student group, one must comply to this dreadful website and all that comes with it.

Additionally, the site seems

to be constantly updating itself, so every time one logs on, the navigational buttons are in dif-ferent places, tabs have different names and various content boxes are shuffl ed around.

Compound this with the fact that over 18 options of forms exist under the “forms” tab, and you’re guaranteed a headache. These forms include the riveting and (evidently) essential “Org-Connect- Student Organization Newspaper Posting Informa-tion” form, the mind-numbingly banal “Purchase Order/ Vendor Payment/ Non-Funded Account Check Request Form” and the “Request for Outdoor Event Sup-port” form. Apparently, all of these seem fundamental to the existence of a student org (to someone).

Also, by creating an account on the ghastly website, you sign yourself up for inordinate amounts of email spam under the guise of an email newsletter called “ORGCONNECT”–capi-talization very intentional.

While the website might make the jobs of DU adminis-tration offi cials easier, it makes life for student organizations a nightmare. If your club is appro-priated for $100 of student orga-nization funding (which, by the

way, comes from a fund that all students are required to pay into), every cent that you spend needs to be accounted for, cataloged and then turned in to the Student Comptroller. Any money spent by a student org, say, on pizza for meetings or for travel to a confer-ence or event, must be paid up-front by the students in the clubs (who obviously have extra money laying around after paying their tuition and student loans) before being reimbursed. The reimburse-ment process is often lengthy and cumbersome, and involves fi lling out multiple forms and knowing all manner of arcane numbers. What’s my student org ID num-ber? No clue. My non-funded ac-count number? Beats me...

Orgsync takes the fun and the spark out of student organizations and campus life, replacing those elements of creative genius with bureaucratic ineptitude and re-quirements on leaders to punch numbers into a screen.

Being a part of a club at DU is a rewarding and enriching ex-perience. Unfortunately, Orgsync taints that.

Orgsync is literally the worst, but if you want to be a part of any DU club or student organization, you’d better suck it up and com-ply. Or else.

Best First World Problem: PioneerNetOh the Things We DU

Best First World Problem: PioneerNet

expert professors and benefi t from a world-class education.

All of this, however, hasn’t given us the patience or humility to deal with a slow internet con-nection or, heaven forbid, one that doesn’t work at all.

We really shouldn’t complain about PioneerNet. The fact that the worldwide web contains a wealth of information hitherto in-conceivable to mankind is aston-ishing. It has revolutionized our understanding and how we inter-

act with the world. The fact that a Wikipedia page takes 15 extra seconds to load compared to one’s home computer isn’t astonishing.

In fact, all the complaining about PioneerNet brings to mind a scene from the timeless ‘90s comedy series “Friends,” where-in a pregnant and grumpy Phoe-be Buffay compares a friend’s problem to one she faced. She said, “It’s not like that because [my problem] was an actual problem and yours is just, like,

a bunch of high school crap that nobody really cares about.” The problem of PioneerNet being slow is the latter.

PioneerNet being slow or completely dysfunctional isn’t a real problem in the world we Pioneers encounter. In a world plagued with enormous global problems and crippling issues in our own country, the minor prob-lems we confront while accessing the Internet are just that—minor.

Additionally, can’t we just

use smart phones when Pioneer-Net is down or being slow?

The vast majority of DU students have phones capable of bypassing PioneerNet to access the exact same Internet, so why complain about a computer con-nection being slow?

Ultimately, although we can all agree that PioneerNet could function better, it’s not a real problem. Don’t even get us started on WebCentral, however. Now that is a real problem.

Hey Joe, any idea what Steve’s

doing?

Pioneer Net is down again, he’s offering

himself as a sacrificeto the wifi gods

Oh, hey! It’s back up.I guess I’d better check facebook..

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Oh the Things We DU 25

Oh the Things We DUOh the Things We DUBest Way to be (Semi-)Voluntarily Held

Hostage: Attend the Pioneer SummitFor normal humans, Sat-

urday and Sunday are a re-spite from the humdrum of everyday life. For the intrepid Pioneer nation, they serve as a respite from classes at DU. Saturdays, and weekends in general, are a time to spend lounging around dorms, ski-ing and shredding pow in the mountains, and recuperating from nights of parties and school work.

For DU’s bureaucratic Of-fice of Student Life, however, Saturday, Oct. 11 seemed like a perfect day to schedule the 2014 P.E.A.K. Summit, an all-day affair that student organi-zation leaders were required to attend if they wanted to prevent their organization’s funding from disappearing. Coercion seems to be the fa-vorite tactic of this office, which also orchestrated the dastardly shift to Orgsync.

A full-day, mandatory

summit sponsored by DU couldn’t be all bad, right? Surely during this squandered Saturday there would be en-gaging speakers, quality food, interesting breakout seminars and invaluable information for student leaders? Unfortunate-ly, no such luck was had by the weary crowd held hostage at the P.E.A.K. seminar, which started in the wee hours of the day, just as the sun wiped the dew of morning from its eyes.

The summit began with a lively and pointless motiva-tional speaker who identified himself as an “educator from the Denver area.” His message was the same hackneyed, trite message heard at any leader-ship conference or retreat, and was ignored immediately by this attendee. Was it some drivel about how each of us can make a real impact? Or perhaps something about com-munity? Either way, most at-

tendees were sleeping by that point, so this speaker’s mes-sage mattered little.

After the keynote, the summit was fi lled with valu-able breakout seminars that explained ways in which stu-dent orgs can comply to the rules forced upon them, in-cluding how to use Orgsync, how to navigate DU’s jumbled bureaucracy and jump admin-istrative hurdles, and other key pearls of wisdom for stu-dent leaders.

In fact, the pointless and mandatory seminars lasted all afternoon for those unlucky enough to have to stick around until evening. As if Saturday morning itself weren’t bad enough, the organizers of this debacle also made our student compadres stay until dinner time. Instead of enjoying a glo-rious Colorado fall day skiing, hiking or experiencing life to the fullest, the P.E.A.K. attend-

ees spent their day cooped up in Driscoll–made all the more hei-nous by the fact that the Driscoll Ballroom is windowless.

The summit might be an affront to one’s dignity and humanity, but, hey, at least a free breakfast was provided. Though breakfast and free coffee were the event’s main draw (aside from blatant coer-cion) the soirée was catered by Sodexo. As if waking up and trudging to Driscoll at 8 a.m. on a weekend weren’t terrible enough already, being greeted by a few slices of slimy day-old melon and a bite-sized bundle of cardboard-consis-tency cinnamon rolls made the event all worthwhile.

Frankly, the only break-out seminar that attendees seemed truly interested in be-ing dragged to was the coffee seminar, which, sadly, was overly acidic and left uthem-buzzed all day.

Best Music To Blast LoudlyOkay, playing Michael Bublé

Christmas music on the fi rst day it snowed was fun. However, the music that blasts through all of campus is usually bear-able at best. These are the high-lights of the most aggravating:

SkrillexIt’s one thing to play dubstep, but, from a distance, the high-pitch scratches of Skrillex sound like the soundchild of a blender and a garbage disposal.

Bass-riddled SongsIf we can’t even hear words, it’s pretty clear you’re just mak-ing noise for the sake of making noise. There’s also a 90 percent chance that your next-door neigh-bor just started studying. If you’re insistent on feeling your music, invest in a pair of headphones

and a massage chair. It’s prob-ably cheaper than your subwoofer.

Anything Played During Quiet Hours

They’re designated as “quiet hours” for a reason—please re-spect that. If you really need loud music, fi nd a house off-campus or a club to rock out. Again, head-phones are essential to college life.

Rather Be by Clean Ban-dit feat. Jess Glynne

Yes, we know DU is wonder-ful, but we’d rather not hear a large group of girls scream-ing at us that they don’t want to be anywhere else. We get it.

Twangy Country MusicYes, you like beer, but we really don’t think those singers are talk-ing about PBR. We know you’ve

never driven a tractor. We also know you’re not actually talk-ing about a John Deere when you say you have a big tractor.

Christmas Music for 10 of 12 Months in the Year

We’re suckers for Christmas music—it’s great, really. We just don’t want to hear it be-fore Halloween or after New Year’s Day. It’s not that cold outside, baby; it’s Spring Break.

Senseless RapThe thing about rap is...we still don’t know what they’re saying. All we hear is a mix-ture of swear words and sex-ual phrases and, quite frankly, it makes us uncomfortable.

Boy BandsOkay, cool, you have a poster of

high-school-aged boys that sing together. That doesn’t mean you can let their pre-pubescent voices fl oat through the dorm hallways every night. That includes Back-street Boys and NSYNC. Sorry.

The Cup SongIt’s fun to play the Cup Song with your friends, but yelling/screaming it is too much. The only thing worse than that is play-ing the overly-autotuned version of it through speakers. We all want to be in Pitch Perfect, but the Cup Song won’t get us there.

College is fun and mu-sic makes it better. Ultimately, listen to whatever makes you jive. Just remember: you may be all about that bass for the night, but we don’t want to hear about your booty a mile away.

26

Oh the Things We DUPioneer Problems: Best Pickup Lines

I think you’re pretty funny,

here’s my number, call me sometime!

Heh heh, good one!

“DU”in pretty good,how about you?

Hey,how you “DU”in?

See you around!

Hey, how you“DU”in? Ummm...

No.

So “DU” comehere often? Are you kidding

me? Wow, I’d like to be

“Pioneer” you.. Ew, gross

I thinkmaybe I would

have better luck withgirls at another

school...

Oh the Things We DUOh the Things We DU

Best Pickup LinesPick up lines can be challenging. Luckily, we go to a school whose abbreviated name is rife with opporutnity for those with creative and

adventerous souls. Here are some ideas to get you started.

27

Oh the Things We DUBest Underutilized Campus ResourcesWe are surrounded by resources that are free and cheap, but we have to remember (or be informed enough) to use them. Here are a few that you may have overlooked.

Free RTD PassesWhy waste gas and pay for parking when

you already paid for an RTD pass with your student fees?

Between the lightrail and the city busses, you can get almost everywhere in Denver.

Plus, the time you won’t spend driving can be used to catch up on homework or some academic endeavour (or play Words With Friends and check Facebook. Either way).

Health and Counseling CenterNo one likes going to the doctor, but you’ll

probably never be able to get healthcare that’s this cheap again. So take advantage of the knowl-edgeable and helpful doctors at the Health and Counseling Center–while you still can.

Sporting EventsAll students at DU get in free to every regular

DU sporting event (except hockey). So even if all you know about lacrosse is that

they use those netty stick things or the only thing you remember from your elementary school bas-ketball team is that the goal is to get the ball in the basket, give spectating a try. You just might find something you love.

Free Daily Newspapers Did you know that an “All-Access” sub-

scription to the Denver Post costs about $285/year? USA Today’s “First 12 month” special costs $275, and the New York Times rings in as high as $430 for a year.

As DU students, we have access to all of these for free. That’s, like, $990 in savings per year–but only if you read them every once in a while.

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

28

Oh the Things We DU

www.jwmarriottdenver.com303.253.3092

Celebrate your Graduation in StyleHost your party in Fireside, Denver’s premier outdoor venue! Open year round, Fireside is a

chic and urban setting with roaring fire pits and festive market lights.

Perfect to celebrate any occasion!

Perfect Occasions. Flawlessly Orchestrated.

Best Underutilized Campus Resources

Grant MoneyWe can’t make emphasize this

point enough: if you can fi gure out a legitimate research project to do over the summer (including ones abroad) and you can fi nd a faculty member who will support you, DU just might award you $3,500 through the Part-ners in Scholarship (or PinS) grant program.

That’s a lot of money, people. Already have summer plans? You

The Library Who needs Netfl ix or RedBox

when you have hundreds of movies, documentaries and TV shows at your fi ngertips in the Penrose Library–for free?! Actually using library re-sources could save you big bucks. Or at least enough to buy some Ben & Jerry’s during fi nals week.

Before you stuff your face with SNL-themed deliciousness, though, why not bring along that big paper and/or math problem you’ve been working on?

The library offers a Writing Cen-ter with students trained to help you make your writing better AND a math center to help you get all your math questions answered. Oh, and did we mention that those are free too?

While you’re at it, try moving from the oh-so-reliable Google Scholar to the library’s extensive network of academic (and very impressive to professors) online sources. The price? Nada. You’re welcome.

can still apply for up to $1,500 for research complet-ed during the academic year.

Then, after you complete your research, you can apply for an additional $1,000 to travel to a conference to pres-

ent what you found. These grants are competitive, so you can’t slack off on the ap-plications. However, let us say this again: if you put in the work, DU could pay for you to travel.

29

Arts and EntertainmentBest Clarion Bloopers from 2013-2015

We–the staff of the Clarion–pour our blood, sweat and tears into the Clarion every week, and we do our very best to ensure that we uphold very high standards of professionalism and accuracy in the paper. Sometimes, however, things just don’t go as planned. Whether we facepalm or blush when we look back and see errors we somehow (through up to eight rounds of editing) managed to miss, they give us all something to chuckle about.

Best Re-used Cutout Image: The Marijuana Leaf

Jan. 15, 2014

April 16, 2014

May 21, 2014

Feb. 11, 2015

This marijuana leaf gave us a lot of trouble the fi rst time we got it ready to use, so the next time we had a story about pot, we just couldn’t bring ourelves to repeat the process.

Or the next time. Or the time after that.

Apparently.

Arts and EntertainmentBest Clarion Bloopers from 2013-2015

Best Quote in Recent Memory: The One about Squirrels

Conveniently, this story about the on-campus arboretum up-grading from plastic to metal signs might also qualify as one of our most newsworthy, hard-hitting stories in recent memory.

Best Clarion Typo: President Who?

Sometimes we have forgivable typos, and sometimes we have egregious typos. This was an unfortunate instance of the latter.

Jan. 22, 2014

April 30, 2013

Oct. 23, 2013

We often use “X” or “Y” as a placeholder when laying out the paper. Sometimes we fi nish the paper at 3 a.m. the night it has to go to the printer, and we forget to change those placeholders. This was one of those times.

Best “How Did We Miss That?!” Moment

31

Arts and Entertainment

KATHERINE GIBSON|CLARION

Best Season to Enjoy Colorado: All of Them

FallNo matter what part of the

country you’re from, Fall is a wonderful and alluring season.

Colorado’s Fall, as we all know, is absolutely splendid. Beauti-ful colors, mountains and crisp temperatures combine to create the perfect fl annel-shirt season, and you can always pile up some leaves on campus to re-create your childhood leaf-jumping days.

Plus, with Colorado’s typi-cal weather diva fl are, most days are still warm enough (away from the mountains) to take ad-vantage of many of Colorado’s Summer activities with no con-cerns about getting overheated.

KATHERINE GIBSON|CLARION

32

SpringSpring is one of the under-rated seasons in Colorado, but it still rocks. Snow in the

mountains usually remains through most of Spring, and there aren’t as many tour-ists on the resorts, which means you might get some of the runs to yourself. Once the snow starts melting, the rivers bloat, which means extreme whitewater rafting and kayaking.

Meanwhile, away from the m o u n t a i n s , you get a breath of new life and start to warm up from winter.

Increasing warmth and new greenery will make all of the pain of icy roads worth it.

SummerThe mountains are great covered in snow, but they’re also fun to explore without snow. You can

hike, rock climb, backpack, camp, horseback ride and mountain bike. Off the mountains, you can fl y fi sh, whitewater raft, and view the beautiful wildfl owers. It gets a bit hot at times, but who can complain about dry heat? It’s still possible to wear jeans when it’s 70 degrees. The Den-ver area also boasts ex-cellent brew fests and music festivals in addi-tion to events at the Red Rocks Amphitheater.

WinterWhat is Colorado without some fun

winter activities? We have easy access to some of the best ski resorts in the world. Snowboarders and skiers would kill to spend time in Colorado, and we get to live here the entire resort season.

Want to appreciate the season but don’t want to risk breaking limbs in the process? Try snowshoeing or cross-country skiing for a less daunting ap-proach to view the mountains. Outdoor ice skating is also prime, with locations around Denver as well as at ski resorts. Finally, Colorado offers excellent oppor-tunities for ice climbing—adrenaline-pumping fun with unique intricacies.

The best part of Colo-rado winter is that it’s actually pretty mild outside of the mountains. That means you can go up to the mountains on the weekends to get the ice and snow activities, but come back to Denver for more com-fortable temperatures during the week. Anybody who has experienced Northern winters also un-derstands that dry cold is a blessing (imagine having cold water particles freeze to your skin—brr).

Arts and Entertainment

KELLSIE BRANNEN|CLARION

Best Season to Enjoy Colorado: All of Them

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

33

Arts and EntertainmentBest Art Installation on Campus

First Place: The Beyond- Creepy Gawker Guy Location: Cable Center

Second Place: The Terrifying Red Man and His Pig Location: Art Building

Third Place: The Mini Stonehenge Tribute Location: Science Complex

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LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

Best Art Installation on Campus1

2

3

Because who doesn’t like being completely psyched out literally every time they walk past the Cable Center?

The benches are the perfect size for the plethora of elementary-aged children who visit campus

This guy has it all: a giant pig over his shoulders, a haircut that’s sure to please and a red that’s only matched by fi re hydrants. What more could you ask for?

34

Arts and EntertainmentBest Art Installation on Campus

Fifth Place: The Trippy Box Sculpture Location: Carnegie Green

Fourth Place: The Talking Lips Location: Ritchie Center1

2

3

4

5

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4

5

Nothing says “relax” after a hard workout like having the bench you’re sitting on start talking to you.

Is it a square? Is it a circle? There’s just no way of knowing.

35

PeopleBest Sta� Member We’ll Remember:

Bob YablansThe Clarion is not an island. Our newspaper relies on the hard work, concerted

effort and care of many people in the DU community. One of those people was Bob Yablans, who passed away in March.

Whether he was answering a question about our temperamental server, telling us how to recycle old monitors, fi elding our panicked and late-night production night calls, or simply being one of our number one supporters, Bob never let us down. In fact, he was so committed to the Clarion that he put in several hours of overtime to save us from having to completely shut down our operations–not once or twice, but countless times over the course of several months. For his selfl ess service to the paper we love and his long career of making DU a brighter and better place, we name him the Best DU Staff Member.

Bob worked for a decade and a half at DU; most of his career here was spent in the Department of Media, Film, and Journalism Studies, where he was the head of engineer-ing. Bob later moved on to UTS where he served as the senior research support special-ist for University Technology Services. From our own experiences with him, we can at-test to the fact that he was an expert in DU’s technology operations, and never hesitated to help a colleague, student, or group in need.

Bob had a sincere dedication to and love for his job that is challenging to fi nd in today’s working world, and he never let the bureaucracy or frustrations of working in a University setting (with lots of grumpy technology-challenged people) faze him. He was able to think creatively to solve the problems people brought before him daily, and he was able to do it while making everyone around him feel good.

Nothing quite brightens a lackluster day like a happy person, and Bob, who never failed to bring his brilliant mind and ever-pres-

ent smile with him, consistently brightened the days of innumer-able members of the DU community. Bob knew how to put

people at ease; his sense of humor, joy and contentment with life was contagious to anyone who had the pleasure of spend-ing even fi ve minutes with him. He had a heart of gold.

While much of the Best of DU Magazine pokes fun at our university, the publication is designed to make us refl ect on the culture and the shared experience of the Pioneer com-munity. And in this category, we are sincere: Bob Yablans was truly one of the Best of DU.

Nothing quite brightens a lackluster day like a happy person, and Bob, who never failed to bring his brilliant mind and ever-pres-

ent smile with him, consistently brightened the days of innumer-able members of the DU community. Bob knew how to put

people at ease; his sense of humor, joy and contentment with life was contagious to anyone who had the pleasure of spend-ing even fi ve minutes with him. He had a heart of gold.

While much of the Best of DU Magazine pokes fun at our university, the publication is designed to make us refl ect on the culture and the shared experience of the Pioneer com-munity. And in this category, we are sincere: Bob Yablans was truly one of the Best of DU.

PHOTO COURTESY OF MFJS

Best Badass Professor: Nancy WadsworthWhile discussing race, re-

ligion and politics in everyday life is frowned upon in most so-cial circles, one DU professor delves into these issues every day. Whether she’s teaching the con-trasts between Locke and Hobbes in a fi rst-year introduction class or passionately informing a class about the political changes in the evangelical community (they’ve swung right, don’t ya know?) since the 1970s, political science Professor Nancy Wadsworth is in her element in the classroom.

At the same time she was instructing classes, conduct-ing research and living her life outside the copper-laden walls of DU, Wadsworth managed to chair the John Evans Study Committee; this demonstrates her ability to educate students while handling important issues like the legacy of DU’s found-er and his involvement in the Sand Creek Massacre of 1864.

Wadsworth is also unique as a professor inasmuch that she

excels at teaching both high-level theoretical courses to upperclass-men as well as getting down in the trenches of FSEM and introductory freshmen courses (the latter some-times including over 70 students).

If you thought explain-ing that “bruise” on your neck to your parents was hard, imag-ine the Sisyph-ean challenge of teaching Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” to a lec-ture hall of hun-gover, unshow-ered freshmen.

Some pro-fessors allow their classrooms to descend into the chaos and don’t reign in their students. Others lecture for 110 minutes without a peep of discus-sion or student input. Wadsworth strikes a balance between both,

fostering positive discussion while also lecturing when necessary.

Students be forewarned: Wad-sworth tolerates none of your pop-pycock. If she calls on a student, s/he best have an answer. If a

student speaks up and says something out-rageous, they will be asked to check their facts or prem-ise. Wadsworth forces students to think out-side the box and to speak on their feet, a valuable life skill for people who will need to interact with other humans

in the real world. Her badassery notwithstand-

ing, Wadsworth is also a seri-ous academic. She’s authored a book of her own and co-edited

another on one of her focus ar-eas of expertise: Religion and American politics. She’s also well-versed in the politics of race, gender, social movements and political thought/philosophy.

While fi rst-year students may start their quarter unaware of things like the plight of indig-enous peoples, the intersectional-ity of race and religion and how this dynamic helps in the forma-tion of identity and the hegemonic power structures inherent in their privilege and gender, Wadsworth will surely let her froshies know, and everyone else, too, for that matter. Her vocabulary is as dense as the average DU frat bro.

Her bravery in tackling FSEM and introductory courses, while also managing to be a top-notch academic and a genuinely cool person makes Nancy Wadsworth DU’s most badass professor.

So check your privilege at the classroom door and sign up for a class (or three) with Wad-sworth–you won’t regret it.

Best Underappreciated Group: RAsThough they get a bad repu-

tation because they have to report drunken freshmen and people lighting up in their residence hall rooms, resident assistants (RAs) are the most underappreciated group on DU’s campus. While no-body appreciates the heavy hand of discipline, RAs are so much more than disciplinarians; they provide friendship and counsel to students and, in some instanc-es, literally save people’s lives.

Another key role of the RA is to help transform freshmen into real adults--not only by making them follow common sense rules and policies, but also by helping them transition into life in the real world. Though their programs and

fl oor/hall socials might be extraor-dinarily lame and cliché, the fact that RAs, who are also involved with clubs and taking classes, take the time and effort to plan events for their fl oor shows an exceptional level of commitment. And what do RAs get as a grateful reward for doing their job? Oftentimes, their residents may resent or even show open disdain for their RA.

RAs work tirelessly to cre-ate a sense of community in their hall or their fl oor. In addition to holding events for residents, they meet one-on-one with folks to understand their challenges and how best to serve their commu-nity. Who else on campus is that invested in fellow Pioneers and

in the well-being of students?We’re in college. Every per-

son who didn’t live under a rock or in Towers their freshman year knows that, sometimes, festivi-ties can get out of hand. And as long as partygoers are being safe and smart, everything is usu-ally fi ne. Except when it isn’t.

Many students stumble back to their doorms dangerously intoxicat-ed, and their fearless RAs are their fi rst line of defence against some seriously concerning welfare situa-tions. While spending a night in de-tox or in a hospital might not be the best culmination of a night out, those students who live to tell about the ex-perience ought to be grateful an RA found them and took care of them.

RAs are not only the fi rst re-sponders in emergency situations, but also in all the hullabaloo that hap-pens in residence halls. Those who are are assigned to Centennial Halls or Johnson-MacFarlane Hall have to deal with the consequences of tak-ing care of freshmen, including co-pious amounts of vomit, inordinate amounts of drama and cleaning up broken glass and trashed furniture.

Although serving as an RA is often a thankless job, the benefi ts do outweigh the risks. Despite having to discipline drinkers and smokers, and despite having to work in an often less-than-friendly atmosphere, the work done by RAs to accli-mate students to DU and welcome them to campus is truly rewarding.

COURTESY OF NANCY WADSWORTH

37

Letter to the EditorBest First Hockey Game Winner: Carissa Cherpes

I remember watching three giants skate across the ice towards me. I remember hearing the loud boom of their bodies hitting the pane of glass inches from my face. Mostly, I remember the pain that came after that same pane of glass popped out of place and slammed into me.

I am not a huge sports fan. I never developed the pas-sion for sports most Ameri-cans seem to have encoded in their genetic makeup. However, this year I decided to give the whole sports thing a try. After all, students are constantly reminded that DU has the “best sports program without a football team six out of the last seven years.”

Just to prove how dedi-cated I was going to be, I participated in the hockey campout, where the only highlight was when the hockey team gave us donuts in the morning.

Before I knew it, it was time for the first hockey game. A huge group of us planned ahead and we were able to get front row seats. The seats were lined with spirit gear, namely these

sticks with red and gold streamers attached to them. That night, the student sec-tion became cheerleaders as we waved our pompoms in the air, screaming at the top of our lungs.

No one had warned me about the student chants. Sure, I expected some name call-ing and insults to be thrown around, but nothing could have prepared me for what the student sec-tion had in store. I am not saying I objected to the chants; the second I heard a chant start, I would loudly par-ticipate.

Soon, I was caught up in the rush that swept through the student section. I was yelling and screaming just as much as everyone else. Even the guy who spilled beer on me could not ruin my mood. Who would have ever guessed that I had no idea what was going on?

My favorite part quickly

became the violence. After someone assured me that yes, slamming into other play-ers was allowed, I would get excited whenever I saw two players heading for the glass. Because I was in the front row, I got used to back-ing away whenever players slammed into the glass near my seat. It seemed like the entire wall would shake, and every slam would fill the stu-

dent section with adrenaline.

Naturally, when the three hockey players were heading for the pane of glass directly in front of me, I backed up a few inches, but still screamed and

cheered as loudly as I could. The players slammed into the glass, but instead of bouncing right back up, it seemed that they were falling towards me.

It sounds cliché to say it happened all so fast, but one second I was cheering and the next I had an incredible pain spreading through my chest. I blinked hard and realized that the pane of glass that was

designed to protect us had popped out of place and the corner had slammed into my chest. How ironic.

After I realized what had happened, chaos ensued. DU officials were asking my friends and me if we were al-right, I was worried about my friends and if they were hurt, students were screaming, and the hockey game was halted until the glass could be put back into place.

Just as quickly as it hap-pened, the hysteria surround-ing the incident died down. People stopped asking if we were okay and everyone’s attention turned back to the game. The glass was put back into place and DU would ulti-mately win the game.

It was not until I got back to my room and my adrena-line dissipated before I real-ized just how badly my chest hurt. For two weeks after-wards, I would have a love-ly bruise to remind me just how painful my first hockey game was. I was still hooked, and continued to go to every game I could. But as far as first hockey games go, I think I win.

Best First Hockey Game Runner Up: “Dave”

“As far as � rst hockey games go, I think I win.”

38

3939 A Final WordA fi nal thought from all of us at the Clarion to you

It’s a reality we face: our privilege gives us pain.With all the problems we have, it’s amazing we stay sane.There is one phrase, superior to all,That allows DU students to sum up the problems that befallOur exceptionally privileged populationAnd leave us suffering great agitation.It won’t be breaking news when I revealThat, by golly, folks, the DU struggle is real.

Our struggle is real when our elevators are slow,Forcing us to actually towOur mass of belongings up stair after stairTo enter a dorm room that has clean airAnd running water, security and electricity.You’re certainly right: it is really a pity.

Our struggle is real when there’s nowhere to parkAnd we must walk quite a ways from where we disembark.There’s never a good spot for our precious vehicle,And walking three blocks is simply unbelievable.To make matters worse, our new BMWs are left out in the

cold(How could we be expected to have cars a few years old?).

Our struggle is real when our homework arrivesSome of us are so stressed that we break out in hivesRead 100 pages, write fi ve more?That professor is so demanding we might as well roar!The workload is crushing, simply unfairThe opportunity of education is too much to bear.

Our struggle is real when the cafeteria is closedWe all know our needs ought to be met unopposed!We are all more important than the employees who have livesAnd want to go home to see their own children and wivesAfter a long day of serving droves of bumbling DU kidsWho dump much of their effort into the vats under trashcan

lids.

Our struggle is real when we walk across campus in the winter

Because, by some great misfortune, we must go to the library for the printer.

Or perhaps we have to catchUp with a dear friend who is about to retchFrom the alcoholic frenzy of the night priorAnd ruin her recently acquired Northface attire.

Our struggle is real when our fi nals near,And, all of a sudden, everyone strives to appearAs though they have studied for the last ten weeksAnd reaches out to the friends they call “geeks.”The weight of procrastination is fl abbergasting, failure as

foreign as Mars.How could this happen to us? The kids who have always been

stars—From little league soccer to our stunning class rank.We deserve better; we have money in the bank.

Why yes, DU, our struggle is so realLet us band together, and complain with such zealThat we drown out the issues that ought to have our attentionLike poverty and hunger, or racism and oppression.Our problems are the greatest of all of mankind.Maybe it’s time we all up and resigned.

Best DU Catchphrase: The Struggle is Real

#DUStruggleIsReal

#FirstWorldProblems

Cover Design By Evan Hicks