By Ann BaileyHerald Staff Writer

Frommaking meals toholding ex-erciseclasses toprovidingfoot care,the GrandForks Sen-ior Center isstriving tohelp areaseniors re-main living at home.

“Our whole mission,everything we do at thesenior center, resolvesaround helping seniorslive healthier and inde-pendent lives,” said JamiSchumacher Grand ForksSenior Center public rela-tions and internal develop-ment coordinator.“I think what we’re see-

ing is seniors who want toage in their space,” Schu-macher said.

Looking forwardSeveral months ago the

center adapted a “BrighterSide of Sixty” logo that re-flects its aim to provideservices to help seniorslive independently, shesaid. Instead of only offer-ing seniors a place to playcards and bingo, the GrandForks Senior Center, has awide variety of educationalprograms, resources andnutrition programs, shesaid.“We feel we’re not your

traditional senior pro-gram.”

Programs the center of-fers include serving meals,delivering meals, bothfresh and frozen, and doingblood pressure checks, footcare and medication set-upfor people. On weekdaysmeals are served at noonat the senior center andfour other locations inGrand Forks. There also is

a Tuesday evening meal atall five locations.This month the Grand

Forks Senior Center alsobegan serving breakfastsfrom 8:30 to 9:30 Mondaythrough Friday.

Programs,servicesWhen it comes to health,

foot care is an importantservice that the senior cen-ter provides. The centerhas two registered nurseswho do the foot care, whichinclude nail trimming, afoot assessment and footmassage. Often, youngerseniors initially come infor foot care and then findout about the other pro-grams the center offers,Schumacher noted.The center’s educational

programs also are popularwith seniors. On Mondaysfrom 1 to 2 p.m. the centerhosts Mind-Full Mondays,which address topics in-cluding gardening, identitytheft and new technology.There also are Mind-FullMonday sessions on healthtopics and last month polit-ical candidates talkedabout campaign issues fo-cusing on seniors.Another service the sen-

ior center offers are bustrips to places across theUnited States. For exam-ple, about 30 seniors re-cently participated in abus trip to Boston that thecenter organized, Schu-macher said.The Grand Forks Senior

Center also offers opportu-nities for people who wantto do volunteer work. Thesame seniors who come tothe center are some of itsmost helpful volunteers,Schumacher said.“We wouldn’t be able to

do the things we do with-out volunteers. The mealsare all delivered by volun-teers,” she said.

By Ann BaileyHerald Staff Writer

CROOKSTON–Nearly500 seniors in communitiesacross northwest Min-nesota are exercising twiceweekly to build strongerbones.The Bone Builders exer-

cise program, sponsored bythe Crookston-based RSVPof the Red River Valley,was first implemented in2006 in Crookston. Twoyears later, RSVP receiveda Bremer grant of $23,000to start programs in thecities of Kittson, Roseau,Pennington, Marshall, RedLake and Norman coun-ties, in addition to Polk.“Now we have 26 classes

in the seven-county area,”said Jan Aamoth, programcoordinator. “The predom-

inant ages of our classes is70 to 95,” she said. How-ever, people as young as 60participate in the classes,she noted.A total of 475 people at-

tend the classes that are sopopular that sometimestwo sessions are held twiceweekly in some of thetowns. The classes are heldin a variety of places, in-cluding community centersand churches. Each loca-tion has the equipmentneeded for the classes,which typically are madeup of 15 to 20 people.The classes are ongoing,

but it’s not difficult tolearn the program, Aamothsaid. Once people get ap-proval to participate fromtheir doctors, they cancome to a class and volun-

teers will show them howto use the equipment.“It doesn’t take long and

you’re right in the flow.”

BenefitsThe exercise program

helps prevent osteoporo-sis, improves balance andhas other benefits, includ-ing enhancing energy andwell-being, Aamoth said.“There are more bene-

fits than we ever ex-pected,” she said.The program, which is

made up of four parts, islead by volunteers whohave been trained byAamoth and other RSVPworkers. The BoneBuilders program is com-prised of a warm-up thatincludes stretching andflexibility, balancing,

weight lifting and coolingdown and stretching.Meanwhile, Bone

Builder Exercise Programparticipants also receiveinformation on topics suchas bone health, nutritionand osteoporosis, Aamothsaid.“It’s so phenomenal.

We’re seeing so many posi-tives, not only for bonehealth, but health in gen-eral,” said Deanna Pat-naude RSVP programdirector in Crookston.In North Dakota, the

RSVP+ program is offeringBone Builders two classesat the Grand Forks SeniorCenter. The RSVP+ plansto expand the programacross North Dakota, saidKurtis Shelton, RSVP+project coordinator.

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By Howard KossoverBecause the SSA web-

site,www.socialsecurity.gov, hasan online retirement esti-mator, a reader asked, ofwhat use is the paper So-cial Security Statement?Both are useful.The paper Social Secu-

rity Statement is mailedautomatically to most peo-ple about three months be-fore their birth month if atleast age 25 and not receiv-ing Social Security or onMedicare.Valuable for all family fi-

nancial planning, not justretirement, the statementprovides estimated familybenefits plus disabilityand survivor estimates.The statement also showsimportant informationabout your personal SocialSecurity record that is notavailable online.

InformationThis information is ayear-by-year record of yourreported earnings from So-cial Security records plus

your name and birth date.To protect your securitythis personal data does notappear with the onlinebenefit estimator.Review this for accuracy

and contact your local SSAoffice if a problem exists.Your work record is thebasis for all benefits paidthrough your Social Secu-rity number. Mistakescould keep you or familymembers from getting allbenefits earned. Thesooner you identify mis-takes, the easier it is cor-rect them.The mailed statement

also explains your protec-tion earned under SocialSecurity. People often in-correctly think of SocialSecurity only as a retire-ment program. To comple-ment the estimates, thestatement shows how evenyoung workers are build-ing valuable protection forthemselves and their fami-lies in case they becomedisabled or die before theyreach retirement age.Studies show that a 20-year-old worker has athree in 10 chance of be-coming disabled beforereaching retirement age.The statement is an impor-tant tool as part of your fi-nancial planning.

OptionsThe Social Security on-

line Retirement Estimator,one of several tools in theSSA Plan Your Retirementsection at www.ssa.gov/re-tire2/, provides estimateslike the statement with theadvantage that you can in-stantly obtain multiple es-timates.

You can explore variousretirement options onlineby varying your retirementage and annual earningsup to retirement. This letsyou immediately compare,for example, the estimateddollar difference betweenan age 55 early retirementwith no additional earn-ings to that of continuingwork until an age 64 retire-ment.

The online RetirementEstimator is secure. Onlyestimated amounts areshown to protect your pri-vacy, not your name, birthdate or earnings informa-tion. This security is espe-cially important whenusing a shared printer orpublic terminal.

ContactsMore about the Social

Security Statement andRetirement Estimator, plusonline applications andother SSA information, isonline at www.socialsecu-rity.gov. For information, to

�� Evelyn Lanes and Heidi Nordin, GFSC ResourcesCoordinator, look over brochures while they discussthe various programs offered through the Grand ForksSenior Center.

�� Deanna Patnaude is RSVP program director andJan Aamoth is program coordinator.

�� Howard Kossover.

Bone Builders � Exercise program helps preventosteoporosis, improves balance

and has other benefits

Brighter Side of Sixty� Grand Forks Senior Center is dedicated to helping senior

live healthy, independent lives

Schumacher

Paper and online Social Security Statement are both useful

KOSSOVER: See Page 2

Submitted photo

Ann Bailey, photo

Submitted photo

�� Marvella Epema keeps busy volunteering andkeeping books for organizations.

Sharing, caringsenior, MarvellaEpema, donatestime as volunteerBy Ann BaileyHerald Staff Writer

CROOKSTON –Whether it involvescooking a meal, visitingsomeone in the nursinghome or keeping thebooks for her churchgroup. Marvella Epemais eager to volunteerher help.Epema, Crookston,

began volunteer work10 years after she re-tired from her job as abookkeeper. “I didn’t have time

before,” she said. Butduring the past decadeshe’s gotten involved inmany of the volunteeropportunities that theGolden Link SeniorCenter in Crookston of-fers.“Down here at the

senior center, she hasher fingers in every-thing,” said Patty Dill-abough, Golden LinkSenior Center director.“Every time someonesays we need to dosomething, Marvella’sname comes up. Shenever says ‘no.’ It does-n’t matter what some-one asks her to do, she’sthe first one there.”

For example, Epemaserves on the center’sentertainment commit-tee and the Experi-enced Americancommittee and answerscenter phones.

Hands-onvolunteer workHer work with the en-

tertainment committeeincludes making andserving meals for sen-ior center events andplanning field trips toplaces such as TrinityPoint near Mentor,Minn., and Rydell Na-tional Wildlife Refugenear Crookston. At a re-cent outing, Epemagrilled brats andserved potato salad.“She makes the best

potato salad in town,”Dillabough said.Epema, 75, especially

enjoys volunteer workin which she can bedoing some kind oftask, such as cooking ameal for someone,Epema said.

“I have a grand-daughter who’s follow-ing in my footsteps. At

EPEMA: See Page 2

By Anita CreamerMcClatchy Newspapers

SACRAMENTO, Calif. –At the Almond AvenueResidence Club, an as-sisted living center in Or-angevale, Calif., a dozenchatty older people meetfor coffee every morning todebate how they’d answerquestions printed in news-paper advice columns.After an hour of gentle

exercise and a singalong ofperennials such as “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” – givingrise to the strong hope thatseniors of the future willrequest the Stones or Jay-Zwith their morningstretches, or at least “Twistand Shout” – it’s wisdomtime.Activity director Lauren

Guarducci reads to thegroup, and they listen care-fully. Today’s Carolyn Haxadvice column questiondeals with a bride, a cheat-ing groom and a friend whofigures out the situation.Should she tell?What would these sen-

iors do?“I wouldn’t tell, because

it would ruin their rela-tionship,” said 83-year-oldEunice Conley, a retiredfederal worker. “The bridemight know already.Women know. Women knowwhen their men are play-ing around.”Nods here and there

around the cozy diningroom, a quick consensus.One possible definition ofwisdom, after all, is that tolead a decent life, peoplemerely need to considerhow those appalling “Real

Housewives” womenwould react to any situa-tion, and then do the oppo-site.

No clichéNow a new University of

California, San Diego,study confirms that theelderly really are wiserthan younger people. Inpart, that’s because olderbrains produce lessdopamine, so seniors are

less impulsive and emo-tional.Their brains have

slowed down: Unlike theirchildren and grandchil-dren, they’re more likely tothink things through.They’re better problemsolvers. In short, they havewisdom.This would not be news

at the Almond Avenue Res-idence Club, whose admin-istrator, Brenda Holcomb,said, “These people give

great advice.”It’s also not news to

Davis resident Sandy Hol-

man, 47, author of the up-coming self- publishedbook “Honor Your Elders,”which encourages youngpeople to learn from oldergenerations.“I don’t think the wis-

dom of the elders is acliché at all,” said Holman,an educational consultantwho directs the Culture Co-op. “It’s a dying tradition.A lot of us unfortunatelyare not practicing the tra-dition of honoring our eld-ers’ wisdom. We’re busy.We’re swamped.“But we also don’t make

it a priority. There’s a lot ofthings we could learn anddon’t because we don’tmake a point of honoringtheir wisdom.”Her grandfather Rufus

Holman, who died at 89 in1997, possessed what shecalls “simple country wis-dom,” an assortment of ad-vice that in many waysboils down to the GoldenRule.Older people know what

the Golden Rule is, too.“The simple things stick

with me,” said Holman.“I’ll hear his voice in myhead. I’m so thankful forthe gift of him.

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discuss current benefits orto make an appointment tofile for benefits you cancall the SSA national toll-free number (800) 772-1213(TTY 800-325-0778) from 7a.m. to 7 p.m. Most nation-ally made appointments goto local offices based onzip code. Local office ad-dresses and telephonenumbers are available at

www.socialsecurity.gov. Kossover is the Social Se-

curity public affairs spe-cialist for North Dakotaand western Minnesota.Based in Grand Forks, heworks with organizations,government agencies andbusinesses on all SSA top-ics including SSA businessservices online and teach-ing pre-retirement semi-nars. Information:howard.kossover@ssa.gov.

Continued from Page 1

KOSSOVER/

Seniors prove that wisdom of the ages comes with age

McClatchy Tribune

�� Lauren Guarducci, left, reads the Dear Abby column to seniors at the AlmondAvenue Residence Club in Orangevale, Calif. The group gets together afterbreakfast to discuss the gossip columns and other parts of the newspaper. Fromleft, are, Guarducci, Gladys Morris, Edna Jenson, Dorothy Luce, Dorothy Surritt andEva Birum.

WISDOM: See Page 3

Continued from Page 1EPEMA/Christmastime we makeChristmas goodies.” Besides her volunteer

work at the Golden LinkSenior Center, Epema alsovolunteers for LutheranSocial Services and serveson, and chairs, severalcommittees at the GoldenLink Senior Center and ather church.Meanwhile, she volun-

teers to go to nursinghomes and play bingo withresidents and, on Fridaynights, she helps withbingo at the VFW Club inCrookston.Epema’s volunteer work

makes for a busy scheduleand that’s the way she likesit.“It gives you a good feel-ing that you’ve done some-thing, helped someone whoisn’t able to do things any-more,” she said.

Your employmentheadquarters.

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By Mark W. SmithDetroit Free Press

Awash in jargon –“wall,” “news feed,”“tags,” “defriend” – socialmedia can be intimidatingfor baby boomers and sen-iors who have spent mostof their lives comfortablyin an analog world.But that isn’t stopping

them from signing up forsites like Facebook indroves.Social media users 50

and older are now thefastest-growing demo-graphic among Internetusers, a recent Pew studyshowed.In the last year, social

networking among 50-plusInternet users nearly dou-bled – from 25 percent to47 percent, according tothe Pew study. That’s com-pared with an increase of10 percentage pointsamong Internet users 18-29years old, whose member-ship level is now at 86 per-cent.Just last week, a group

gathered at a computer labin Troy designed to teachthe ins and outs of comput-ing and the Web.The Troy (Mich.) Senior

Computer Learning Centerhas seen increased de-mand this year as digitalholdouts face pressurefrom family and friends tomake the leap, curriculumdirector Bob Treharnesaid.“If they want to know

what’s going on in theirgrandkids’ lives, they haveto text or log on to Face-book,” he said.The top concern among

the Troy group, however,was no different than thechief, well-weathered com-plaint about Facebook: pri-vacy.Privacy concerns, paired

with Facebook’s affinityfor redesigning the siteand changing its policieson what information ofyours it shares, have cre-ated an air of trepidation.Nancy March, 80, of Troy

chose to display an incor-

rect birthday and not iden-tify two of her sons on hernewly created Facebookprofile.“I don’t want my kids

being bothered with mybusybody friends,” Marchsaid.Some also express con-

cerns over infringing ontheir children’s personallives. For some, friendingtheir child or grandchild isakin to snooping.“I’ll be crushed if I ask

to get on my son’s and hesays, ‘No, Mom, I don’twant you to find out all thisinformation,’” joked SallyStevens, 63, of Troy, whohas not joined Facebookbut is considering it.Privacy controls do

allow users to decidewhich groups of friendssee what information. Kidscan choose to have certainupdates kept from theirparents and vice versa.

Stevens’ son has actuallyurged her to use Facebook,saying it would free himfrom relaying so muchdaily information to her.

An increasingly grayFacebook can be tiedclosely to seniors’ desire tokeep in touch with those

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“He used to say, ‘Life iswhat you make it.’ It’s sim-ple, but as I live, I realizehow deep that is.”

More resilientRecent neurological re-

search shows that people55 and older quicklybounce back from negativemoods, but younger peopletend to dwell on depres-sion and anger. Maybe it’sbrain chemistry, or maybeit’s because their grandfa-thers never told them thatlife is what they make it.At the Almond Avenue

Residence Center, thisgroup of seniors – hailingfrom different walks of lifeand various parts of thecountry – understands thevalue of resilience and theimportance of discretion.Guarducci, 43, the activ-

ity director, admits she’dprobably blab the badnews to the bride whosegroom had strayed. Butolder heads are coolerheads.“I think it’s too late to

tell,” said Dorothy Surritt,

84, a retired secretary. “Ifyou tell a new bride, youruin something. I say, shutup.”“I’m not sure what I’d

do,” said Gladys Morris,100, a retired bookkeeper.“But we have to think be-fore we speak.”See? The simplest wis-

dom– so straightforwardit almost sounds cliched –is often the best.And so a few last words

of wisdom from AlmondAvenue.“As you get older, you

learn not to give advice,”said Conley. “You learn tolisten instead.”What is wisdom?�Uniquely human.�A form of advanced

cognitive and emotionaldevelopment that is expe-rience-driven.�A personal quality, al-

beit rare.� It can be learned, in-

creases with age and canbe measured.� Probably not en-

hanced by taking medica-tion.Source: Sam and Rose

Stein Institute for Re-search on Aging at the Uni-versity of California, SanDiego

Continued from Page 2WISDOM/

Grand Fork Herald/Sunday, November 7, 2010 3

Social media users 50 and older arefastest-growing Web demographic

McClatchy Tribune

��Sally Stevens, 63, left, and Nancy March, 80, both of Troy, Mich., work during aclass teaching the basics of social media to seniors at the Troy Civic Center

SOCIAL: See Page 4

208 Second St. NW, East Grand Forks, MN218-773-3631

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Town Square Apartments

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By Judith GrahamChicago Tribune

Peace. Contentment.Happiness.This wasn’t what Allan

Schwartz expected hewould find in his late 60s,as he left middle age be-hind. Like many people, heexpected the transitioninto older age to be diffi-cult; instead it has beenliberating, emotionally.“I’ve noticed a distinct

change from when I wasyounger,” said Schwartz,68, who resides in PortCharlotte, Fla., and Boul-der, Colo. with his wife of42 years. “Then, I wasquicker to anger, more de-fensive, much more anx-ious. Now, I have a greatersense of inner peace. Idon’t feel the need toprove anything to anyone.”A growing body of re-

search finds that far frombeing a dark time, olderage is a vibrant periodemotionally for many peo-ple, a time of turning awayfrom fears and frustrationsand attending to whatmakes life meaningful,such as satisfying hobbiesand friends.Laura Carstensen, direc-

tor of Stanford University’sCenter on Longevity, hasspent most of her careerstudying this so-called par-adox of aging: the counter-intuitive finding that olderpeople often report feelinghappier – more stable,better adapted – even astheir cognitive facultiesand physical health de-cline.Her explanation for the

phenomenon is “socioemo-tional selectivity theory.”As we age and realize thatthe time left to us is lim-ited, our priorities change,Carstensen postulates. In-stead of focusing on ex-panding our horizons andtaking on challenges –adaptive tasks for youngeradults – we focus on “whatmatters most right now:people who are close,places or endeavors thatmean a lot to us,” she says.That is the unexpected

“silver lining of aging,” shesays. “When you live in the

now, that’s good for yourmental health and youremotional well-being. Yousee more clearly what’s im-portant and invest inwhat’s important.”And what is important,

in the end, are experiencesrich with positive emotion.

StudiesSeveral studies support

the theory, providing evi-dence that healthy olderadults respond differentlyto negative stimuli thanyounger adults. (Of course,ill health or the loss of aspouse or cherishedfriends can throw peopleinto an emotional tailspinthat may color their lateryears.)A 2003 report by

Carstensen and colleaguesin Psychological Sciencefound that seniors paidless attention to photos ofpeople’s faces when ex-pressions were angry orsad. Similarly, in a 2007study in Aging & MentalHealth, older adults re-ported being unhappy lessoften in diaries thanyounger people.In new research, Bob

Knight, associate dean ofthe Davis School of Geron-tology at the University ofSouthern California, hasdiscovered that the percep-tion of time is key to thisso-called “positivity ef-fect.” When seniors wereasked to imagine having amuch longer time to live,“they acted more likeyoung adults and saw morenegative emotions in thefaces” shown, he says, de-scribing as-yet unpub-lished results.Other studies suggest

that older adults have bet-ter coping skills because oftheir life experience.“What we think is that peo-ple learn over time thattuning out, avoiding prob-lems, and daydreamingdon’t work so they quitdoing it,” Knight said.Changes in the structure ofthe brain may also con-tribute to suppressing neg-ativity and improvingemotional regulation,other researchers propose.

As a young man,Schwartz said he felt it washis fault when bad thingshappened. By contrast, hehas learned with experi-ence, “It’s not about me, it’slife. Lousy things happento everybody.“It’s not pie in the sky:

You still get thrown curve-balls. It’s just, I don’t dwellon things the way I used to.I’m better able to moveon,” Schwartz says.What are the practical

implications of this line ofresearch? Joseph Mikels,an assistant professor ofpsychology at Cornell Uni-versity and DePaul Univer-sity, has discovered thatolder adults rely moreheavily on gut emotionalresponses in making deci-sions than on reasoned, de-tailed analysis. It makessense, given seniors’ intactemotional capacities anddiminished cognitive ca-pacities, Mikels notes.In a report published in

the Journal of Experimen-tal Psychology earlier thisyear, Mikels demonstratedthat young adults wereadept at making health-care choices using eitheranalysis or intuition butolder adults faltered whenmaking decisions based onreasoning alone.Mikels’ conclusion?

“Structuring decisions thatrequire older people to re-view a lot of details andpay a lot of attention tofine print doesn’t appearoptimal,” he says. “Olderpeople are more inclinedto go with their hearts thanwith their heads, and pay-ing attention to thatcounts.”

Aging withempathyOlder people may prefer

to seek out positive experi-ences and situations. Butwhen they find themselvesin difficult situations, theyexperience sadness evenmore acutely than peoplein their 20s, according to anew report published inSocial Cognitive and Affec-tive Neuroscience.Robert Levenson, a pro-

fessor of psychology at theUniversity of California-Berkeley, asked 20-some-things, people in their 40s,and people in their 60s towatch clips of films thatwere sad, disgusting orneutral. Participants werehooked up to monitors thattracked their physiologicalresponses.Older people were more

deeply affected by the sadfilm clips. “There’s no evi-dence that as you agethings that are sad justdon’t get to you anymore,”Levenson says. “If anythingthey get to you even more.”That’s a healthy re-

sponse insofar as it moti-vates older people to reachout to others for comfortand with compassion,strengthening social ties.Levenson says.“Sadness is not the

enemy of well-being,” henotes. “Feeling these emo-tions with all their rich-ness and subtlety is part ofthe meaning of life.”

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who have moved almost alltheir communications on-line.People who are not on

sites like Facebook canfeel excluded from thesharing of family news andphotos.“I think I am missing out

on a lot of old friends,”Stevens, the holdout, said.“I’m not from Michigan,

and to stay in touch withfamily or friends or collegefriends, they’re all over theUnited States, so this is anice way to stay in touch,I’m sure.”For Katherine Dallas

Hammond, 55, of Troy, whoco-taught the social mediaclass, Facebook has been away to reconnect with hergirlfriends from highschool, making them “feellike we were still standingby our lockers.”“Immediately, you go

back to that time and yourrelationship is immedi-ately rekindled,” Ham-mond said.But at the Troy comput-

ing class, one woman whohad heard that Facebookwould share all one’s infor-mation was reluctant tolearn more.“I don’t want to ever use

Facebook,” said thewoman, who declined to beidentified, as she left classduring a break. “I don’twant to spend hours onthat. I volunteer. I want todo other things.”For March, though,

learning Facebook is a wayto keep her mind sharp.“It’s important as seniors

that we keep our mindbusy,” March said. “Some

people like to play bridge.I do my crossword puz-zles.”And, now, she has Face-

book.

How to stay safeonlineThe following are tips

from Henry Lau, 29, ofSterling Heights, Mich. Don’t post your full birth

date: While social net-works like Facebook oftenask you to fill this in, it canbe a valuable piece of in-formation, much like yourSocial Security number, tounlock more about you.Lau recommends leavingoff your birth year.Don’t click on e-mailed

links: E-mail scams willoften purport to be fromyour bank or credit cardcompany. The links will ac-tually take you somewhereelse. It’s best to go to yourWeb browser and navigateto the bank’s site manually.Use strong passwords:

Strong passwords includeletters, numbers and capi-talization diversity. It’salso best to leave out obvi-ous things like the name ofa pet or child.If you don’t feel comfort-

able, don’t do it:Much like real life, there

are dark alleys on the Web,Lau says. It’s always best tofollow your gut if you don’tfeel comfortable clickingon a link or going to a Website.Always log out: Espe-

cially when using a publiccomputer in the library orlab, it’s important to logout of Facebook after eachsession. Just closing thebrowser will not always ac-complish the same thing.

Continued from Page 3SOCIAL/

McClatchy Tribune

�� In this file photograph, biological sisters including Pauline Gehrs, 85, from left, Esther Gehrs, 90, Ruth Flett,86, and Marge Thurman, 94, get together to watch a Chicago Cubs game like they did as young girls fromChicago. A growing body of research finds that far from being a dark time, older age is a vibrant periodemotionally for many people, a time of turning away from fears and frustrations and attending to what makeslife meaningful, such as satisfying hobbies and friends.

Accentuating the positive� As we grow older, changing priorities can have a

surprising effect on emotional health

Your Local Health Source

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By Barbara MahanyChicago Tribune

CHICAGO – “Only onemonth ago today, we gath-ered for another celebra-tion, your 48th birthday ...the boys ate chocolatecake, I played happy birth-day on my harmonica, andagain you smiled throughyour suffering.“You’ve been gone al-

most four weeks now ... Iface each new day yearn-ing for you and loving youmore than ever.”In the blur of days after

his wife of nearly 11 yearsdied, an old friend mailedRalph Moses a blank book,empty pages that camewith no instructions, noprompt. Just the hope, per-haps, that it might becomea book of healing.Moses wasted little time.

The next morning, beforehis sons, Jonathan andDavid, then 5 and 7, awoke,he began a ritual thatwould carry him throughthe heartaches of the next12 months: He penned aletter to the woman he stillcalls “his forever love,”Ann, who had died Aug. 4,2008, of complications frombreast cancer, leaving himalone to raise their twoboys.Writing letters had long

been at the root of Ralphand Ann’s connection. And,in the end, it would be let-ters – the spelling out ofhis love, his worries andhis shattered dreams –that would carry himthrough the anguish of los-ing his wife far too soon.For Moses, grief poured

out in words on paper. Toread through the journal isto enter into the shadowand the dappled light thatis the journey from utterloss to a life rearranged –empty, yes, but movingthrough the seasons.For many men grief

comes haltingly and withparticular pain. It is not socommonplace to let yourbroken heart ooze. Andtherein lies the pain atopthe pain.“When we have great

pain, we need to find some-thing to do with it. Writingdoesn’t remove it, but itspreads it around,” saysFran Nathanson, the be-reavement counselor at

Midwest Palliative & Hos-pice CareCenter, whoworked with Moses, and formore than a year listenedto his weekly reading of atleast one letter.

Action vs. talkingMen are more inclined

to work through grief in astyle that’s often less abouttalking and more abouttaking action.Kenneth J. Doka, co-au-

thor of “Grieving BeyondGender: Understandingthe Ways Men and WomenMourn” (Routledge/Taylor& Francis, $34.95), is a pro-fessor of counseling whohas been studying griefsince his days as a pedi-atric chaplain at MemorialSloan-Kettering CancerCenter in New York some39 years ago.Doka is considered the

leading authority on thesubject of grief and gender.He identifies two distinctgrieving styles, each morecommonly associated with,though not restricted to, aparticular gender.Men tend to grieve in

what Doka terms an “in-strumental” style: takingaction, working throughthe pain by doing. He tellsof a man whose 17-year-olddaughter was killed in acar accident; on the morn-ing of the funeral, the fa-ther, bereft, was outsidefixing the picket fencethrough which shecrashed.Women are typically “in-

tuitive” grievers, a styleDoka describes as “morefeeling-oriented, withwaves of emotion, andmuch verbalizing.” Intu-itive grievers often findways to express feelings ina group, or with a therapistor confidant.“What’s key is to under-

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Writing from, and for, the heartMaking the moveto independentretirement livingMetro Creative

When 72-year-old Armyveteran Ted Eickhoff wasat his local VA hospital foran appointment recently,he struck up a conversa-tion with another patientabout selling his home anddownsizing. As luck wouldhave it, Eickhoff’s fellowpatient lived in a local in-dependent retirementcommunity owned by Holi-day Retirement, and ravedabout the benefits. Eick-hoff was sold.“I couldn’t believe how

much you get for themoney,” said Eickhoff. “Itis so nice to have every-thing taken care of withjust one monthly payment.It covers everything I need,including amazing meals.And if you need anothersnack, the chefs just makeit for you!”Eickhoff, a retired Com-

mand Sergeant Major, ispart of a growing numberof seniors who are plan-ning for an independentliving future.In fact, a recent AARP

poll found that nearly 60percent of Boomers saythey are concerned aboutliving independently, andmore than 50 percent saythey have begun to thinkabout how they would payfor independent living as-sistance as they get older.

Crunching thenumbersMereen Klein, 86, started

looking at the costs ofkeeping her own apart-ment versus independentliving when her eyesightdeclined. Klein needed as-sistance with transporta-tion and didn’t want tokeep bugging her son todrive her around, so shedecided to move to an in-dependent retirement liv-ing community that mether needs.“It was right for me with

my fixed income, and themoney covers everything,”said Klein. “I don’t pay forTV, or to have my roomcleaned. I couldn’t believewhat I got for the money –it was really something.”To determine what

makes financial sense, sen-iors need to add up thetrue costs of managing ahome versus being part ofa retirement community.“Even if you no longer

have a mortgage payment,you still have fluctuatingmonthly expenses includ-ing utilities, taxes, phone,cable and food that canadd up significantly,” saidStan Brown, COO of Holi-day Retirement. “Formany seniors, switching toa community that includesone manageable, monthlyflat fee gives them the abil-ity to plan out the next 15to 20 years and know ex-actly what they can expectto spend and what they canafford.”For Klein, it not only

made financial sense, italso gave her back some ofher freedom.“I can take the commu-

nity bus down to the bankor out to dinner. I can evengo to the doctor and my ap-pointments without bug-ging anyone for a ride,”said Klein. “I have moreindependence now thanwhen I lived alone.”

Ask the rightquestionsTo calculate the true

costs of making the move toan independent retirementcommunity, Brown cau-

tions seniors to ask asmany questions as possibleprior to moving in, to un-cover any buy-in fees, todetermine if a long-termlease is required and tosee if the “feel” of the com-munity is right.“It doesn’t make finan-

cial sense to make themove if you aren’t comfort-able in the new communityand will want to move outwithin a few months,” saidBrown. “It needs to notonly be affordable, but agreat place to live as well.”Seventy three-year-old

Julianne (Judy) Kayattknows this all too well. Shesold her home and movedinto a community that did-n’t offer much for hermoney and wasn’t as caringas she’d hoped. After onlya few months, she startedher search again and wasfortunate to find that aHoliday Retirement com-munity was a perfect fit forher.“My family likes that I

am happy here, and I likethat I can still be inde-pendent and live here,”said Kayatt. “I am free togo where I want; I am en-joying activities and eventsand I’m surrounded byfriends. I know I can behappy here for a longtime.”

The golden yearsMaking the move to an

independent living com-munity can be an afford-able way to make the mostof one’s retirement years.Kayatt, Klein and Eickhoffhave all seen the benefitsto cutting ties to a house oran apartment in favor ofcommunity living.Klein was able to take

advantage of a promotionfrom Holiday Retirement,which covered up to $1,000of her moving expenses,and Kayatt received herbirthday month free whenshe moved in.And as for Eickhoff, the

payoff for him is being sur-rounded by people his ownage with shared experi-ences and a passion for liv-ing the good life.“This is everything I ever

thought about doing when Iretired,” said Eickhoff.“Sometimes people remi-nisce about the past beinggreat, but I was fighting inthe military for 22 yearsand working hard, and nowthese are my golden years.I can actually relax andpeople take care of me fora change.”

�� Ralph Moses at his West Rogers Park, Chicagohome, wrote a book of love letters to his wife AnnWalker every day for a year after she died of breastcancer in 2008.

McClatchy Tribune

� One man’s letters, bound inloss, help him work

through his grief

GRIEF: See Page 6

By Art CareyThe Philadelphia Inquirer

PHILADELPHIA– BobKay was not planning to re-form his diet. He was justlazy.Fourteen years ago,

when a live-in relationshipbroke up, Kay became afull-fledged bachelor. Mak-ing big meals for himselfwas too tedious and time-consuming, so the busypsychiatrist began feedinghimself by nibbling, nosh-ing, and grazing. In shortorder, the practice becamehabitual.Today, Kay, 79, who lives

in Philadelphia’s SocietyHill Towers, has com-pletely forsaken the con-ventional three squares aday. Instead, he eats 15 to20 times a day, grazing andnibbling in the manner ofour primordial ancestors.He eats a wide range of

foods – vegetables, fruits,grains, seeds, nuts, meat,and fish – and his diet isbased on no particularmodel or principle otherthan eating what he likes.“I eat what primates

eat,” Kay says. “I eat agood deal of protein be-cause that’s what monkeysare supposed to do.”Not that Kay is a monkey

or aspires to be one. In-deed, his opinion of evolu-tion and how far we’reremoved from our putativesimian roots is irrelevant.What matters is this:“I feel good,” Kay says.Over the years, Kay has

kept an eye open for scien-tific evidence that sup-ports the virtue of hispeculiar mode of nutrition:a study in the New Eng-land Journal of Medicineshowing that nibbling re-duced cholesterol; a Co-lumbia University studyshowing that a bountifulplate or table encouragesovereating; a book(“Health Secrets of theStone Age, by Philip J. Go-scienski, M.D.) that postu-lates that nibbling mayinhibit a hormone (ghrelin)that drives appetite.

Thriving nibblerBut to Kay, who does not

profess to be an expert ondiet and nutrition, themost interesting and per-suasive case study is closeat hand – himself.His philosophy: “If one

person survives on the nib-

bling paradigm, that’s allyou need to know.”Actually, Kay is more

than surviving; he’s thriv-ing.Since becoming a nib-

bler, Kay has shed 25pounds. His currentweight: a trim 152 (main-tained in part by four tofive half-hour sessions atthe gym each week).His blood pressure has

also dropped significantly,and the angina that used tostrike once a week now af-flicts him every twomonths. Despite a familyhistory of cardiovasculardisease, he takes no med-ication these days, andfeels the better for it.In eating frequently

throughout the day, Kay isfollowing a practice advo-cated by proponents of so-called paleo, caveman, orStone Age diets. Many ath-letes and bodybuildersalso believe in the benefitsof numerous small mealsrather than the conven-tional Big Three. Devoteesof the Body for Life pro-

gram, for example, havebeen able to fashion spec-tacularly lean physiques in12 weeks by eating at leastsix times a day. Such a rou-tine not only suppressescravings but also stabilizesblood sugar and insulinlevels, factors in diabetesand the accumulation offat.Typically, Kay begins his

day about 7 a.m. with cof-fee, half a glass of orangejuice, and a hard-boiledegg, sans yolk.At 11 a.m., he may eat a

bowl of lettuce, toppedwith wheat germ, ketchup,or honey mustard sauce.At 2 p.m., perhaps some

precooked fish bits, broc-coli, and another hard-boiled egg.At 5 p.m., a slice of

turkey ham and a baked

potato.From 8 to 10 p.m., he in-

dulges in “serious graz-ing,” snacking every 15minutes or so on suchfoods as hummus, broccoli,polenta, cherry tomatoes,oranges, dried fruits(dates, prunes, raisins),seeds and nuts, and, fordessert, yogurt balls cov-ered with chocolateliqueur, or a bit of icecream.

Stays out of thekitchenHe spends no more than

10 minutes a day in thekitchen, he notes proudly.Other favorite foods:

whitefish salad, smokedoysters, sardines, raresteak, avocados, sauer-kraut, coleslaw, olives,beans, olive oil, yogurt, oat-meal, rice pudding, andchocolate-coveredespresso beans or blueber-ries.He drinks small amounts

of water, as well as greentea, milk, wine, and choco-late liqueur. Twice a week,he treats himself to twofull meals, usually one at abuffet restaurant, the otherat a friend’s house. Hetries to avoid animal fats,and in the course of a year,he’ll allow himself onlytwo servings of french friesand five slices of pizza.He is not alone. He com-

pliments his lady friendfor being “flexible” andbecoming a nibbler aswell.But the likelihood of

sparking a nibbling revolu-tion, he acknowledges, isremote. Sitting down to abig meal is not just aboutingesting nutrients; it’salso a social rite, embed-ded universally in humanculture and tradition.On the other hand,

there’s what Kay calls “thehappy housewife issue.”“I speculate,” he says

with professorial gravity,“that there would be a lotmore happy housewives ifthey didn’t feel obliged toproduce three squaremeals a day.”

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6 Grand Forks Herald/Sunday, November 7, 2010

stand that grief is a reac-tion to loss, and we allreact differently,” saysDoka, senior consultant tothe Hospice Foundation ofAmerica. He sees journal-ing as a therapeutic toolthat is both instrumental(writing the letters) and in-tuitive (pouring out feel-ings).“Most people aren’t in-

clined to call anyone at 2in the morning whenthey’re tossing and turning.Letter writing can be anoutlet anytime,” says griefcounselor Nathanson. “Somany times people feelthis mass of emotion. Whenyou put words down onpaper, it’s one thing at atime. It has the potential toorganize what feels like ajumble of emotions.”Moses, who started every

heart-wrenching day for375 days with just such aletter, knows the power ofthose words.“It was a way to stay con-

nected to her; I couldn’t lether go,” he says. “It wasn’tdenial; as a social worker Iknow what denial is. Physi-cally, I had to let her go.Spiritually, I never will.“What it did was it car-

ried me through the stagesof grief. It carried methrough deep sorrow, in-tense feelings of loss, andgradually into other stages,depression certainly, thenover time into acceptance.In writing I could see stillthe longing, the intenselove. If anything it’sstronger than ever. Butgradually I was gettingmore comfortable in mynew roles, whereas in thebeginning I was almostparalyzed.”And he knew when it

was time to write the finalpassage. On the day thatwould have been their 12thwedding anniversary, heboarded a bus with hisbook of letters, and satdown beside his wife’sgrave. He wrote one lastlove letter.“As time has passed

since you died last sum-mer, I’ve begun to noticewithin myself that whatonce seemed so recent,like only yesterday, nowfeels like so very long ago.... All of this used to feellike it just happened. Now,it almost seems like an-cient history. I’m afraidthat for me, reality has fi-nally set in.“To my always ... from

your forever.“Love, Ralph”

Continued from Page 6GRIEF/

World NewsTo subscribe 780-1215 or 1-800-811-2580

At 79, he nibbles and noshes his way to health

McClatchy Tribune

�� Bob Kay, 79, sits down with a snack of four cherrytomatoes and one boiled egg, of which he only eatsthe whites. For nearly 15 years Kay has chosen to eatsmall nibbles of food 20 or more times a day ratherthan three full meals.

Making friendsduring retirementMetro Creative

When you’re younger, itseems you can’t wait untilretirement. After all, whowants to deal with going towork every day and copingwith coworkers and a boss?However, many peopleoverlook the opportunitiesfor socialization that work-ing provides. You get out ofthe house and see people– apart from your family– with whom you can con-verse. Many retirees findthat life can be a bit boringafter the job ends, prima-rily because they don’thave access to the samelevel of socialization asthey once did.Making friends can keep

you active and healthy. Ifyou’re a bit rusty in thefriend-making department,it’s pretty much how it waswhen you were younger.You simply must find indi-viduals who have similarinterests and goals.�Volunteer in your com-

munity and you’re boundto find potential friendswho are like-minded.� Take classes at a col-

lege or university. Manyoffer free or discounted

rates for seniors. This is agreat way to meet peopleof all ages and walks oflife.�Attend clubs at senior

centers or houses of wor-ship. It’s likely that thereare plenty of other peoplelooking for relationships.� Think about your in-

terests. If you like fishing,sewing or boating, join aclub that caters to those in-terests. Others who shareyour hobbies will be there.� If you’re new to an

area, host an open-houseparty and invite neighborsin for introductions andsome socialization.� Join a social network-

ing site online. You canconnect with people, po-tentially individuals wholive close by.�Ask existing friends if

they have other friends towhom they can introduceyou.

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