bitch slapping the unslappable bitch

8/6/2019 Bitch Slapping the Unslappable Bitch

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Indeed, in her submission to dispatch on 6/19/2009, her bio read only: Roxane Gay's writing appears

or is forthcoming in DIAGRAM, Storyglossia, mus luscious, The Foundling Review, DOGZPLOT,

Necessary Fiction and others. She is the associate editor of PANK. She would go on to rack up dozensof credits, contributorships at various respected or not-so-respected culture blogs, and somehow gain alegion of admirers who are likely reading these words right now, fuming, red-facedly penning their variously motivated defenses of their fearless leader in the comments box. At the time, I considered her simply to be a overzealot. Having come from this school of “there's not enough time!” splatter- bombing and activity myself, and graduating sometime around 2007, I could understand that. Later she became something very different, and so now we fast-forward.

I'm not sure, exactly, what went down between xTx and myself that made it so she doesn't want tospeak to me anymore. As recently as December, 2009, around the time she made a very memorabledrunk call to my cell phone (I had just returned from the war; I actually thought/hoped she wassomeone else, and she tweeted “drunk dial fail” following the call), she wrote to say “Thank yousweetness. Please remember that I'm always on your side.”

I honestly don't remember what led to this. As you may have gathered by now, I am fucking bat-shitcrazy. I probably sensed some form of disloyalty. There are other things I could reveal at this point, butI don't want to ruin everything. There is still a bitch to be slapped.

In total, I have 16 conversations with [email protected]. The earliest is from June, 2009, as previously discussed. The second is a withdrawal of that story by the author (now published here).Thus it can be reasonably agreed that most of our disagreements and engagements took place in the public eye, at the book promotion website called HTMLGIANT, where Gay frequently contributeswhatever sort of bullshit she thinks will get her the most attention that day. As recently as this week she

was claiming poverty. Quick research reveals that her father,Michael Gay, is a Haitian construction magnet, but I don't want todigress into too personal matters.

I'll engage anyone in the public eye. I'll shoot across the bow of any ship if I feel it threatening the things I love. Over the past twoyears, Roxane Gay has had an effect on the independent literaturescene that I have taken particular exception to; and her cohortshave made it much nastier. Until January 15th, 2011, I was of thesolid belief that she was just another true believer who wouldeventually come around, who would get her act together and makegood on all her empty promises to the literary world. I mean, after all, she had solicited and published a piece of mine, which was anego boost. Later I discovered that Pank is literally on a mission to publish everyone, with little or no editorial cohesiveness, which is

a solid business practice in the literary world, but sort of a crapshoot when it comes to the reader's perspective. Somewhere deepinside, I think, Gay must realize that no one's reading anyoneelse's words anyways. There is such a thing as overpublishing, andI discuss that in more detail here.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, Roxane Gay founded TinyHardcore Press in order to publish a print book by xTx. Allow me

to be very clear: this was always our intention, mine and xTx's. We considered it a “calling card,” a

Roxane Gay

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]



cornerstone; what they used to call a “reader.” A sampling of her work. So when it came to myattention that a new print book would be coming out by her (we had words over her previous thing, He

Is Talking To The Fat Lady, because I didn't want her giving me a copy; I just wanted her to set oneaside for me until I got the money together), I was delighted. Mission accomplished, right? A real print book, probably on par with Nobody, something that would say: I am Tracy, hear me roar. After all, Ilove this California blonde, and I have since “Good Time Dan,” and nobody can take that away fromme. The weirdness only grows when you hear Gay call a pseudonym her “best friend” in commentsthreads. She clutches that which she stole from me ever closer to her sizable bosom, yes.

So of course I bought it. Why wouldn't I? I had bought other things from Pank . I buy a lot of things.But this is one thing I wouldn't fail to buy. Normally Special – a great title. I'd love to know which sideof them picked it. I'd love to know a lot of things about that process. At various times, in thinking aboutthe book in the run-up to press, I wondered if there were some way to weasel my way into Gay's lifeand be friends with her, if only to get my love back. Of course by now you realize that's simply not possible.

Everyone who calls themselves Roxane Gay's friend is so on a submissive level. You must submit tothe fact that Roxane Gay is right, even when she's wrong. In fact the biggest debate in recent memoryin which I attacked her, this gender thing, she openly admits to my being right about something. Which bolsters my earlier statement about her being an attention whore. Today being on one side of the gender debate gets you attention, you take that side. Tomorrow, being on the opposite, so you take that. In politics these people get eaten alive. In the new era of electronic independent literature, it seems, these people get more acclaim for each time they take up a new position.

I am interested in a more open society. I am interested in a better tomorrow. I am interested in morehonesty. Unfortunately for me, I am not interested in being anyone's bitch. All of my friends are myequals. The relationships wherein my friends consider themselves either superior or inferior to menever last. Over the years, I have cultivated a small group of people to love and cherish. One day, I dohope, Tracy will come back. But after this, it's unlikely.

So I placed my order. I had gotten my finances together. When He Is Talking To The Fat Lady hadcome out, I was going through a characteristic period of stimulated idiocy. Drunk or high all thefucking time. That's why I didn't have the money to buy the book. That's why I didn't want her to justgive me one. Regardless, by the time Normally Special went on pre-order, I had gotten my finances back in order, founded a new business venture which actually is doing alright, and happily plunkeddown my $14.99 or whatever for the digital/print copy. I didn't care where the money was going. I'dhave bought that book from my ex's fiance. I'd have bought that book from anyone, literally anyone.And you can rest assured I will buy her future books. And I will always watch this garden grow. I dohope that one day she trusts herself and the world enough to reveal herself to everyone else, but itdoesn't matter. She is a great writer. And I will always love her.

15 days after I placed my order, my money was refunded. I didn't notice at first. It took about 8 hours.Then the devastation and the rage set in. Part of my psychosis is that I get inside these little roomsinside my head and I see nothing but that which is bothering me. I had these visions of Roxane Gaylaughing at me: haha, you can't buy this book I published by the writer you love so much. Because I

said so. Because I don't like you. Because you never just say “this was a good post” when I amrambling incoherently about identity politics or publishing. Because you refuse to grant me even one

iota of unearned respect. Because you're stuck in the old ways. Because you did nothing to further

foment my meteoric rise to some modicum of prominence. Because I said so. Because –



the photograph and you wonder about your own sexuality, as a man I mean.

We open with an homage to a mother, perhaps xTx's, and an homage to herself, of sorts. Characteristicof xTx, this—the feeling of loss at the same time as the feeling of warmth. It's a mind trip, as anyfollower of her blog can tell you. Took issue with the line “I resent the weakness of my sex” – felt easy, predictable, and editorially I would have changed it to “fairness.” Because if you're going to attack something, attack it.

Later, in “The Importance of Folding Towels,” we hear that each fold was a slamming door , and weknow that this has not been said before, which is what makes xTx a great writer, which is whatdifferentiates her from Roxane Gay, because almost everything Roxane Gay has ever said has been said before, and somewhere inside, I think she knows that. I felt this story could have ended at the line “Ikeep folding the towel.” But it takes an actual editor to make those kinds of decisions. I discussedearlier the mission of Pank, under direction of Gay, to be the world's biggest group blog.

“Standoff” was extremely engaging; I would have titled it “Champion of Failure.” This isn't so much acriticism as it is a note. These are things I'd have said to my love if we were still friends.

As was discussed in the Catherine Lacey article about xTx and pseudonymity, xTx denies ever beingsexually abused but stories like “Father's Day” are bound to make you wonder. Which is of course whatany good writer or public persona wants, so I don't necessarily feel one way or the other about it.

Then, on the following page, in “Marci is Going to Shoot Up Meth with Her Friend,” we get yetanother line which may have been said before but not quite in this way: “My hands will tremble because that's what they do when they get close to the truth.” This is why I know Tracy X is a fucking pioneer, and everything be damned: I still love you, xTx.

“The Mill Pond” is likely one of xTx's longest pieces ever, and for once she manages to maintain acoherent narrative past a few paragraphs. I felt a great, condescending satisfaction in seeing this storyon the page; the hints of sex with an old man made it into a classical Tracy story, to be sure.

“Because I Am Not A Monster,” on page 87, is where we get the title of the book. It is a love letter tosomeone exactly 1 day and 6 hours away from her house. A fan letter anyone who's ever really fallen inlove with the work of someone else can understand. It is cathartic, even for the reader, who is left to believe, if he lives in Texas and has the kind of history with the author as this writer does, that it is tohim. Which it probably is not, but one can dream.

In the end, I was forced to give Normally Special four stars out of five. I felt it was lacking in someareas. I'd have done more with the design, I'd have done this, I'd have done that; what it comes down tois that I am not a regular reader, and so I think giving it less than five stars is a privilege I take quite

seriously.

All commenters will be randomly entered into a drawing to win my copy of the book and the CD, as previously mentioned, and will be contacted if their name is drawn. My intention here is, in fact, tostimulate sales of the book and generate wider interest in the once-unknown gem that is xTx. She is anoriginal, something her new publisher is not nor claims to be, and I'd hate to see her career fizzle out asa result of the eventual backlash that will result from Roxane Gay's complete and total inability tomaintain a coherent position on anything, to consistently be honest, to reasonably argue beyond the baroque niceties of her stilted prose, or to just be a better person. As for me, well, I'm over it. For now.

bitch slapping the unslappable bitch

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