BOBS BURGERS

Health and Fight-ness

2

ACT ONE

EXT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL DAY

INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM

The TEACHER is carrying papers to her desk as the students sit onto their seats. The teacher clears her throat before speaking a word.

TEACHER

Students, may I have your attention please? As you may all know, your fitness test results have come out.

GENE is patting his hands onto his stomach until he hears the words fitness test results to which he stops. Gene looks up to catch the teachers attention.

TEACHER (CONTD)

Below the statistics, you will see whether or not you are at a good standing. Not to worry, if you do end up at a stage you are not pleased with, it can be fixed.

The teacher passes out the results to various students. As Gene receives his results, Gene starts reading out loud.

GENE

That test was so easy! I know I passed without a

As Gene reads the comment section, he gasps in shock, not sure what else he could think about saying. Gene frowns, questioning himself what he did wrong. He raises his hand to inform the teacher, but he doesnt answer since the bell rings.

TEACHER

Alright, class! I will see you all tomorrow! Have a nice day!

3

Gene gulps, looking down at his results while walking up to the teachers desk. He takes a deep breath.

GENE

Uh, what does this mean when you say, Please contact your physician for further information?

TEACHER

Why, Gene, that means you have to see your dietician as soon as possible.

GENE

But, youre a teacher!

TEACHER

Yes, a science teacher.

GENE

Then how come youre in charge of all of this when you teach science?

TEACHER

Well, Gene, its because I also received a degree in--

GENE

I dont care what you got your degree in! Its not going to hurt me!

TEACHER

Maybe not now, but How do I say this? Youre out of shape. How often do you exercise a day?

GENE

Does it matter?

TEACHER

Gene, Im only trying to help

4

GENE

Youre trying to make me feel bad! I bid farewell!

Gene runs his way out of the classroom before the teacher had another chance with speaking to Gene.

INT. BOBS BURGERS AFTERNOON

BOB is behind the counter cleaning up the bar area of the restaurant. TINA opens the door to the restaurant with LOUISE behind her. Gene, on the other hand walks in with his arms folded. Bob looks up, turning to Genes attention.

BOB

Hey, kids. How was school?

GENE

It was terrible! My science teacher is making me go to the doctor for no reason!

BOB

Why would your

GENE

Read it and weep!

Gene hands the fitness test results to Bob as he scrutinizes the comment section.

BOB

A dietician? Thats preposterous.

GENE

Tell that to my teacher!

LINDA appears from the front door, wearing a white tank top and black spandex pants with tennis shoes. She is also carrying a duffel bag around her shoulder, smiling.

5

LINDA

Guess who just got back from her first gym session!

TINA

Hey, mom. You look great!

LOUISE

Where are the love handles, am I right?

LINDA

Oh, you two! You shouldve seen how great it was! Free water bottles, yoga sessions and the sauna! It was great and complimentary!

BOB

Linda, you should be running the restaurant, not running around the gym. You cant just do that.

LINDA

Gingers been aching for me to go!

BOB

Do you think you can run the restaurant? I have to bring Gene to the doctor.

LINDA (gasps)

What happened? Dont tell me someones bullying my precious baby!

Linda runs to Gene, hugging him as tight as she can. Gene muffles, telling Linda to let go, but doesnt budge. Meanwhile, Bob comes up with an excuse.

BOB

No, Lin, I just want him to come with me to my check-up.

6

Linda lets go of Gene.

GENE

Im fine! And dad always has to take me to the hospital. He doesnt like the germs at all!

LINDA

Oh, you and your hatred of hospitals.

TINA

But dad, doctors save lives.

BOB

Not all the time, Tina.

LOUISE

And thats why I want to become a surgeon so I can rip hearts out of dead bodies!

GENE

Just like in martial arts!

BOB

Wait, they do that?

GENE

Look it up for yourself!

LINDA

So I have to run the restaurant while youre whining about the doctor?

BOB

Its only for like an hour or so.

7

TINA

Do you think I can go to the gym with you, mom? It could be a mother-daughter workout session.

LINDA

Oh, but of course! We could go tomorrow! I just cant believe I have to run this thing when no ones even coming in.

BOB

Its for the sake of the restaurant. You never know.

LINDA

Oh, hush!

INT. WAITING ROOM LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Bob and Gene wait patiently in the waiting room. Genes eyes are glued to a magazine while Bob looks around the room in disgust.

BOB

Your teacher is crazy.

GENE

I know!

Bob leans over to his right to see what Gene is reading, but he cannot get a good glimpse at it.

BOB

Gene, what are you reading?

Gene takes his eyes off of the book, showing Bob the magazine article he was interested in reading.

8

GENE

Father-Son activities! We could go skydiving, wakeboarding! Ooh! Paintball fighting!

BOB

All of those sound dangerous, and you dont even know how to wakeboard.

GENE

Its never too late to learn!

Seconds later, the NURSE opens the door.

NURSE

Gene Belcher?

After hearing his name, Gene, along with Bob, get out of their seats to meet up with the nurse. Bob takes a sigh of relief.

BOB

Finally!

INT. DOCTORS OFFICE

Bob and Gene sit on the two seats in the room. Gene has his hands on his knees, looking down at the tiles on the floor.

BOB

I dont get why you even had to go through a physical. I thought they were just going to get your height and weight.

GENE

The doctors office sure is confusing!

BOB

At least Im not in your shoes.

9

The DIETICIAN walks in the room, giving Bob and Gene a warm welcome. He gives a small wave with a manila folder in his hands.

DIETICIAN

Why, you must be Gene!

GENE

Yes I am!

DIETICIAN

And you must be Mr. Belcher?

The dietician offers a handshake to Gene and Bob. Shrugging, Bob shakes his hand.

BOB

Yes, sir.

Bob lets go of the dieticians hand, calling off the handshake. The doctor takes a seat at the revolving chair, getting onto his computer.

DIETICIAN

How did you get yourself here, Mr. Gene?

GENE

My teacher! She said I needed to see you! And Im not happy about it!

DIETICIAN

Well, Gene, according to your tests from earlier this afternoon, I have some good news, and unfortunately, I have some bad news. The good news is that you are healthy.

GENE

I knew it!

10

DIETICIAN

The bad news is that youre considered overweight. Boys your age should weigh no more than a hundred pounds. Mr. Belcher, has your son ever been linked to stress? Its known for weight gain.

BOB

I dont think so? I think it just happened from nowhere. What do you recommend for my son?

DIETICIAN

Since Gene here is only eleven years old, he has to be able to stick to a diet for a good amount of time.

GENE

A diet? Does this mean I cant touch junk food ever again?

DIETICIAN (sighs)

Well, technically, yes. And you also have to exercise daily. But the upside of that does not have to be dieting for the rest of your life.

GENE

So, I dont have to diet for the rest of my life?

DIETICIAN

No, but I do recommend you start this diet tomorrow, or even tonight when you eat dinner with your family.

GENE

Does this mean I have to eat fruits and vegetables everyday?

11

DIETICIAN (nods)

Yes it does.

GENE (screams)

It is the apocalypse! Everybody run for your lives!

Gene continues to scream, causing him to leave the room. Bob widens his eyes, not wanting to chase him. The dietician turns to Bob.

DIETICIAN

I recommend your son use this.

The dietician gives Bob a pedometer.

BOB

A pedometer?

DIETICIAN

Its to trace how many footsteps Gene takes whenever he walks or runs. I recommend you get your son now.

EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT

Gene runs to the car, placing his hand onto the car as he catches his breath. Bob catches up by walking.

BOB

Gene, the dietician said you dont have to eat like that for the rest of your life.

GENE

Yes he did!

12

BOB

You have it all wrong. I think youre fine the way you are.

GENE

Youre sugar coating it!

BOB

Speaking of sugar, you cant have any.

GENE (screams)

What has this world turned into?!

Gene continues to scream as he runs in a circle while Bob sighs with his hand on his face.

END OF ACT ONE

13

ACT TWO

INT. BELCHER KITCHEN EVENING

The Belchers are now eating dinner, which consists of steak and salad. Everybody but Gene is seen eating, who is just looking down at his food.

LINDA

Gene, sweetie, whats wrong? You havent touched your food.

GENE

I was at the doctor today, and dads doctor told me I couldnt eat but healthy food!

LOUISE

His teacher called him fat.

Gene grunts in response, picking up his fork and knife. He cuts off a piece of steak, eating it.

LINDA

Now why would your teacher call you fat? Youre perfect the way you are!

GENE

I know! She must be jealous!

LINDA

Thats my boy!

TINA

I think youre great the way you are, Gene. I learned how to love myself with daily motivation.

LINDA

Thats my little motivator!

14

LOUISE

So, mom, why the gym?

LINDA

Oh! Ive gotten so many phone calls from Ginger. I promised her Id go with her, and it was a lot of fun! You should come too, Louise!

LOUISE

No, thanks.

LINDA

Aw! It wont be as fun. Tinas going!

TINA

Yeah! And we can both work out from our arms to our glutes.

LINDA

Ooh! Glutes!

GENE

Speaking of glutes, theyve been busted! I know what its like to be a woman now!

LINDA

What happened?

GENE

P.E. class today was tough! We had to do these exercises today and my booty is feeling tense.

TINA

My glutes have a lot of tension too.

15

BOB

Enough with butt talk.

GENE

All of this butt talk is making me hungrier! Thank God for steak!

Gene takes the steak by his hands, biting and chewing off pieces as he looks down at the salad, pointing at it.

GENE (CONTD)

You are my arch nemesis!

Gene takes another bite off of the steak, devouring as the rest of the family stares at him.

INT. GYM NEXT DAY

Linda and Tina are getting out of the car, walking their way into the gym door.

LINDA

Oh, this is exciting! Mother daughter gym time! Alright!

TINA

Yeah! Thanks again for taking me with you, mom. Ive always wanted a day like this.

LINDA

Well, Im very glad, sweetie!

Linda and Tina walk into the gym. Linda notices a sign and suddenly turns excited.

LINDA (CONTD) (gasps)

Ooh! Jazzercise! Ive always wanted to dance and work out at the same time! And it starts in five minutes!

16

INT. BELCHER KITCHEN DAY

Bob is cooking breakfast while Gene and Louise are watching television in the other room. Gene is cracking up jokes while Louise is laughing along with him.

BOB

Kids, breakfast!

Gene and Louise get up from the couch to walk to the kitchen table. Bob sets down breakfast, which is lean sausage and scrambled eggs for the three of them.

LOUISE

Since when did you cook breakfast for your children?

BOB

Since I found out your mother and Tina left earlier this morning. I dont get it. Where could they be this early?

LOUISE

The gym.

BOB

I cant believe she did that. I needed her to help out the brunch shift later today.

Gene takes a bite out of his sausage. Tasting it, Genes eyes open wider, tasting something different than the usual sausage Linda would cook.

GENE

Dad, what kind of sausage is this?

BOB

Its what we usually get. Why?

GENE

Because it tastes a bit bland.

17

BOB

Why, Gene, its

Gene digs through the garbage can, finding out that the sausage is lean and not what the usual is.

GENE (gasps)

You liar! Its lean meat! It says 93-7, not 80-20! How come I have to stick with this?

BOB

Doctors orders, Gene.

GENE

But I want the grease! You are a liar, mister!

BOB

Dont call me mister, Gene. Im your father, not a stranger.

GENE

But dad, you make burgers! Its your specialty! You wont even let me wear the burger suit later today?

BOB

Of course not! We have a lot of customers coming in today, so its unnecessary.

Gene grunts, folding his arms.

BOB (CONTD)

Cant you at least try more than just one bite?

Gene grunts again, taking a nearby fork. He stabs the sausage with the fork, taking it into his mouth. He chews for several seconds before swallowing.

18

GENE

It aint so bad after all! After the first bite I guess.

BOB

See? All you needed was a little bit of motivation from your good old dad.

LOUISE

Ha! Youre old!

BOB

Louise, enough!

A beep is suddenly heard from a watch, which is also a reminder for Gene to start a daily project.

GENE

Whats that sound?

BOB

You have to exercise.

GENE

Nobody told me this! Not even the doctor!

BOB

You mean dietician, and yes, he did. He told us you needed to exercise daily.

GENE

Can I just walk around the block? Thats something! Besides, I dont feel like walking! Im not done eating!

BOB

Just go walking after you eat for more than I dont know, five minutes. Oh, and youll need this.

19

GENE

What is it?

BOB

A pedometer. It tracks how many steps you take.

Bob hands Gene a pedometer.

BOB (CONTD)

I remember your mother and I would walk around Wonder Wharf before we got married. We were in some kind of

LOUISE

We get it!

GENE

But youre the one who needs exercise! What happened to you?

BOB

Just go!

GENE

Not until I eat a hearty breakfast!

INT. DANCE STUDIO DAY

Linda and Tina, along with around twenty women are jazzercising to upbeat music. The session is nearly over and Linda is working up a sweat.

LINDA

The music here is so upbeat!

TINA

So many senior citizens.

20

The CHOREOGRAPHER makes her last move before ending the session until later today. She places her hands on her hips with a smile on her face.

CHOREOGRAPHER

Alright! What a morning! I hope you all had a blast! If you have any questions, feel free!

LINDA

Whew! I built up a sweat! Lets hit the treadmill! Im having an adrenaline rush like no other!

TINA

I think Ill go cycling. Thats how Jimmy Jr. keeps his butt looking great.

Linda and Tina walk out of the dance studio into the gym area. They see many people running on treadmills, bench pressing, and much more.

LINDA

Ooh! Cycling! I like that better!

INT. BOBS BURGERS MID-MORNING

Bob is grilling the burgers while Gene and Louise are behind the counter. Gene is trying to put on the burger suit while Louise is on watch for Bob. Bob sees this.

BOB

Gene, dont even think about it.

GENE

But nobodys here!

BOB

But today is a huge deal with lunch rush. Its nearly noon and your mother and sister are still not

21

Linda and Tina return from the gym, both holding a smoothie in hand. Once again, Linda is excited.

LINDA

Wasnt that fun, Tina?

TINA

Yeah! I want to go again tomorrow.

LINDA

Thats my girl!

BOB

Lin, Tina, get changed, and I want you toNevermind.

LINDA

Not to worry, Bobby. We took care of everything. You shouldve seen those showers! And that sauna!

TINA

It was like stepping into an oven except it doesnt cook you.

GENE

I bet you can wear your towel like a turban!

BOB

Come on, we have customers on their way as we speak. No time for dilly-dallying.

LINDA

Alright, alright! Sheesh!

Linda walks her way behind the counter as Tina stays in front. She turns her attention to Gene.

22

TINA

Today at the gym, mom and I did Jazzercise. It was a lot of fun.

GENE

Jazzercise, Schmazzercise! Youre not going to guess what went on this morning! Dad gave us lean sausage!

LOUISE

You liked it.

GENE

No I did not! Do you think I should get in my buns? Dads not letting me.

BOB (V.O.)

I can hear you!

Gene groans, lying his head onto his hands.

END ACT TWO

23

ACT THREE

INT. BELCHER KITCHEN EVENING

The Belchers are all sitting at the dinner table. While Gene looks down at a big bowl of salad while the rest of the family eats turkey and gravy with mashed potatoes. Bob is wiping five hundred dollars in cash all over his face, to which quickly annoys Linda.

LINDA

Bob, would you stop doing that?

BOB

But today was amazing! I didnt know someone could give a twenty-dollar tip!

LINDA

I know youre excited about what happened today, but youre really upsetting Gene.

GENE

Im sick of lettuce! Cash looks like lettuce you cant eat! Im sick of looking at it!

LOUISE

Good luck coping with lettuce on your burgers If you ever eat another one.

TINA

I think its great youre changing your diet, Gene. A good start to a healthy lifestyle is by eating more greens.

GENE (screams)

I never want to hear anything about lettuce ever again! At least not until I dont have to diet!

24

LINDA

Gene, sweetie, how come youre not eating turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes?

LOUISE

Because his science teacher wanted him to see a dietician because the teacher called him fat and out of shape. But thats not all!

GENE

She even told me that shed send me to fat camp if I keep up!

LINDA (outraged)

Nobody calls my son fat and gets away with it!

TINA

You know, Gene, if you ever feel like you dont love yourself, you could always go to the gym with mom and I. I think I love myself even more.

GENE

Speaking of the gym, she goes to the same one you did today!

LOUISE (excited)

Go to the gym tomorrow! I want to see this!

LINDA

That bitch is going to pay the price! Nobody picks on my baby!

25

BOB

Lin, dont you think youre overreacting just a bit?

LINDA (fussy)

NO I AM NOT, BOB! I AM FINE! Now if you excuse me, I will be taking a shower!

Linda nearly flips the table, storming out of the kitchen as the rest of the family looks at her. As Linda slams the bathroom door, they flinch.

INT. BOB AND LINDAS BEDROOM NIGHT

Bob and Linda are under the covers in their bed. Lindas arms are folded while Bob still shows concerned.

BOB

Are you still upset at the fact Genes science teacher called him fat?

LINDA

Upset? Im angry!

BOB

I mean, its not that bad. Maybe its a wake up call for Gene. I mean, he is sort of

LINDA

Sort of what? Obese? Look whos talking! Since when did YOU become a doctor?

BOB

Linda, Im trying to say that he is right for calling the teacher nuts. You dont have to go to the gym. Or be angry.

26

LINDA (yelling)

Yes I do, Bob! And once I get a hold of her, shes going to wish she hadnt stepped foot in that gym!

LOUISE (V.O.)

Hey! Were trying to sleep!

LINDA (yelling)

Oh, forget it! Good night!

Linda pulls the blankets closer to herself, turning away from Bob as she closes her eyes. Bob glances at her only to hear her grunt in her sleep. After seconds, he tucks himself into the bed.

INT. OUTSIDE THE GYM NEXT DAY

Linda, Tina, Gene, and Louise are standing outside of the car on their way into the gym. Linda is feeling slightly better, being on her best behavior.

GENE

I dont get why I have to go to the gym with you. I could be at home with dad!

LINDA

Come on, sweetie. Its going to be fun! Besides, the sauna is your favorite!

TINA

Gene, if I could go into a gym filled with people, then so can you. You should never judge a book by its cover.

Gene grunts as he walks in. Soon, the gym equipment fascinates him. He looks all around, causing him to run away from Linda, Tina, and Louise.

27

LINDA

Looks like he found out he was missing out! Hes going to love it!

As Gene looks around the gym, he screams, running back to Linda. He tugs her by the shirt.

LINDA (CONTD) (concerned)

What is it, sweetie? Not ready?

TINA

I think hes trying to tell you something he doesnt think youre going to like.

Louise gets a good eye at Genes science teacher, who is currently running on the treadmill.

LOUISE

Science teacher at twelve oclock!

Gene nods quickly as Linda grows furious.

LINDA

Oh, its ON NOW!

Linda storms up to Genes science teacher, only trying to act nice. She takes a couple of deep breaths before actually talking with her.

LINDA (faking a nice voice)

You must be Genes science teacher! Im Genes mother!

TEACHER

Why, yes I am! Its very nice bumping into you in here! Genes an outstanding student with good conduct.

28

LINDA

Yeah, about that.

TEACHER

I mean, of course, Gene could do better since he has a B in the class, but hes making his way up.

LINDA

Im proud of him for improvement!

TEACHER

I had to talk with your son Friday after class concerning his health. You see, Mrs. Belcher, I actually have a degree in both teaching and human health and performance. There was a fitness test for his class the day before, and I was in charge of it.

LINDA (growing angry)

Gene told me you called him out of shape that day too. Do you mind explaining?

TEACHER (surprised)

Oh! Well, its simple. I HAD to send out a note for him to visit a dietician. Childhood obesity is one of the

LINDA

ARE YOU SAYING MY SON IS OBESE? I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT, FIRST LADY!

TINA

I didnt think politics were going to be involved in this argument.

29

TEACHER

Calm down, Mrs. Belcher, Im just warning your son. I was not insulting him in any way!

LINDA

Did you tell any other student of yours the same thing you told Gene?

TEACHER

Well, no, because they were okay with their test results! Plus, they werent dealing with what Gene has.

LINDA

Then you WERE insulting him!

TEACHER (scared)

Look, I can explain! Genes one of my favorite pupils and

LINDA

Dont you dare sugar coat it!

GENE (V.O.)

Hey! I said that!

Linda ignores Gene, turning back to the teacher.

TEACHER

I was not trying to sugar coat anything! Im being honest!

LINDA

Say whatever you want! Nobody calls my kids out of shape and gets away with it.

30

Afterwards, Linda pushes Genes science teacher into the gym equipment. The teacher retaliates with the same move Linda had made. Eventually, the two start a catfight, with Tina, Gene, and Louise backing out. Louise cheers Linda on.

LOUISE

Kick her ass, mom!

GENE

Yeah! Pull out her hair extensions!

TINA

No! We can settle it!

Linda and the teacher are both on the ground kicking and punching each other in the face. A FEMALE BYSTANDER witnesses the fight and reports this to a MANAGER close by.

FEMALE BYSTANDER

Sir! Two women are fighting by the treadmill area! It needs attention stat!

The male employee runs to see Linda and Genes science teacher fighting until a pair of hands pushes the two away from each other.

MANAGER

Break it up! Break it up! I said break it up immediately!

They ignore the manager, ending up in Linda pinning the teacher onto the ground as she bangs her fists into her chest. Linda lets go, heavily panting.

LINDA (panting)

No one! And I mean NO ONE insults my family. ESPECIALLY toward my kids! You got that?

TEACHER

Okay, I promise!

31

LINDA

Youve dealt with the wrong mother.

MANAGER (to Linda)

Maam, Im enforced to kick you out if you lay one more hand on her.

Linda makes her decision whether or not to kick Genes science teacher one last time.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE OF GYM EARLY AFTERNOON

LINDA

It was worth it.

TINA

Aw, we never did exercise.

LOUISE

Well, at least he was nice enough not to ban you from coming back.

GENE

Hey, mom, can I tell you something?

Linda turns to Gene, as well as Tina and Louise.

GENE (CONTD) (apologetically)

Im sorry Dad and I didnt tell you what really went on at the hospital earlier this weekend. Dad just didnt want to see you worried.

LINDA

Honey, Im not worried.

32

GENE (concerned)

Wait, youre not worried if I get sick?

LINDA

Sweetie, what Im trying to say is that youre perfect the way you are! Even if you were skin and bone, Ill love you like no other! Of course Ill be worried if you get sick!

LOUISE (whispering to Tina)

Looks like the middle child always gets more of moms love.

TINA (to Louise)

I hear you.

GENE

Mom, I never wanted to go to the gym with you or Tina, and neither did Louise.

LOUISE

Hes got that right!

GENE

I just wanted to spend time with you without feeling bad. I love myself, and besides, I have more to love!

Linda pulls Gene into a tight, motherly hug.

LINDA

Thats my baby! You rock that extra amount of love, and no matter what anyone says, youre Gene Belcher!

33

GENE

This calls for a celebration! Lets buy ice cream and chili cheese fries!

LINDA

Chili cheese fries! Alright! Lets stuff our faces with junk!

TINA

I call shotgun!

LOUISE

No! I want shotgun!

As Linda and the kids walk to the car, Genes science teacher is seen walking out with a bag of ice over her head. She overhears Linda.

TEACHER (yelling)

Gene, dont!

LINDA

Oh, shove bees down your throat!

LOUISE

Alright, mom, thats good enough.

They continue walking to their car as the teacher groans over the pains she received.

END OF EPISODE