An illustrated timeline of drunken Russian democracy

BORIS YELTSIN

Matthew Goldenberg

Boris Yeltsin was elected to the Congress of USSR People's Deputies in 1989 under Gorbachev, and was soon elected as the president of the Russian

Federation in 1991.

An attempted coup of Gorbachev and other reformers, such as Boris Yeltsin, failed, leading to

the rapid collapse of the Soviet Union on August 19, 1991. After the coup failed, Yeltsin (probably drunk)

stood up on top of a tank and rallied the people against the pro-Soviet coup forces. Yeltsin

proclaimed support for democracy and by the end of the year, the Soviet Union had collapsed, a

glorious day for freedom.

From the ashes of the Soviet Union emerged the independent Russian Federation, headed by Boris

Yeltsin, and fourteen independent republics.

1991

Yeltsin pushed for democratic reform, to transform Russia into a western-style market economy. However, his reforms

were met with serious resistance as they resulted in economic hardship because they disrupted the decades

long patterns of the Soviet economy.

1992

The conservative duma resisted Yeltsin reforms, so Yeltsin took a drink from his vodka flask and decided “Screw it, I’m

suspending parliament.”

With Parliament temporarily suspended, Yeltsin forced new elections and a constitutional referendum. The constitution

is narrowly passed by the people and the first multiparty duma is elected.

1993

In December, Yeltsin orders troops into Chechnya to

crush an uprising. The war continues into mid-1996, with a Chechen victory,

forcing Russia to withdraw and continue to recognize

the semi-autonomous status of Chechnya. This is

later reversed in 2000 when Comrade Putin installs a pro-Russian

government in the Second Chechen War.

1994

Nothing really happened, so don’t worry about it.

Next!

1995

In the first presidential election of the new republic, Yeltsin wins reelection and gets drunk at the after party. During the race, the communist party gains a large number of

votes, and only just loses to Yeltsin.

1996

Poor health brought on years of swingin’ and drinkin’ forces Yeltsin to undergoes quintuple (yes, quintuple) bypass

surgery. The surgery is successful, but he falls ill of pneumonia in January. While he is in poor health,

communists attempt to impeach him to install a communist leader. Their attempts fail when Yeltsin regains health and

power.

1997

Yeltsin’s reforms to create a market economy fail, resulting in a major finical crisis. The ruble is devalued by 75% and

Yeltsin was in trouble, like wet Russian bear on cold December morning.

1998

Aforementioned wet bear

Yeltsin recognizes his popularity is waning fast

like hard Russian turnip in the summer months. His

party suffers heavy losses in the duma, and makes the surprisingly sober decision to designate a former KGB

agent and Russian bear God named Vladimir Putin as his

replacement.

1999

The beautiful new face of Mother Russia

After years of hard drinking Yeltsin dies of a heart attack. Russian vodka holds a moment of silence as their largest

single consumer passes away.

2007

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-international-incidents-caused-by-drunk-boris-yeltsin/

http://www.biography.com/#!/people/boris-yeltsin-9538949#entry-into-politics

http://www.infoplease.com/spot/yeltsintimeline1.html

WORKS CITED