Building Lasting Relationships

ISBN: 9966-1597-3-1

Copyright © 2011 by Joseph Munywoki

P. O. Box 67495, 00200. Nairobi, Kenya.

Tel: +254726094002, +254731950149

Emails: info@blrelationships.com blrelationships@yahoo.com

Website: www.blrelationships.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any way by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise without the prior permission of the copyright owner except as provided by copyright law.

Published in Kenya in 2011 by Aura Publishers P. O. Box 3875 – 00506 NairobiTel: 254 20 2134 678Mobile: 0722 405 729info@auratoday.com

www.auratoday.com

To my sister, Sylvia.

Besides being my one and only sister, she has been a true friend. Through her, I have experienced family love in a special way. Every telephone call and each conversation

leaves a smile on my face. I have no words to express how grateful I am to have such a younger sister.

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Table of Contents

Introduction 6

Part 1: Quality Rrlationships 9

Defining Quality Relationships 10

The Four Beacons Of Relationships 16

A Healthy Mindset For Relationships 31

Part 2: Princples of Effective Relationships 39

Principle 1: Understand the Value of Relationships 40

Principle 2: Eliminate Destructive Habits And Develop Caring Ones 43

Principle 3: Do Not Ask More than Others Are Willing To Offer 64

Principle 4: Investing In Your Relationships 66

Principle 5: Having A Genuine Interest In People 70

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Part 3: Building A Successful Life 77

What is a Successful Life? 78

Setting Goals and Making a Road Map 81

Making A Daily Agenda 85

Making and Implementing Good Decisions 87

Attitude 90

Fear of Failure Vs Faith 95

Your Pace In Life 98

Stewardship and Mentorship 100

Part 4: Effective Leadership 103

Relationship Leadership 104

Principles of Relationship Leadership 108

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Introduction

Imagine if human beings had no mind! Would activities such as chatting with a friend on Facebook, writing an email on Yahoo,

cooking or solving a problem at work be possible? The mind plays a vital role in everything we do. It is the steering wheel of a person’s life; as a man thinks so he is.

We perceive information through our senses; hearing, seeing, touching, tasting and smelling. The information we perceive is processed and stored in our brain. Over the years this information forms our systems of belief and values. In other words, it is what we know. What we know forms the basis of our behavior; our actions and thoughts. Isn’t it evident that with the right mindset, we have a chance to not only enjoy our relationships but also to lead successful lives? This book aims at letting you know what destroys relationships and provides you with ways to connect well and stay connected with important people in your life. The ideas are practical and you can carry them to your home, work place, school and personal life.

The right mind is like a brook, naturally oozing clean and refreshing water.

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As I grew up, I was closely in touch with my extended family; from family get-togethers and birthday parties to funerals and I have seen divorces after 20 years of marriage, I have been in the bridal party at a wedding, ate, rejoiced and made merry only to see the couple fall apart a few years later. I have seen sisters hating each other so relentlessly that they would not talk for years.

I have been at the hospital bed to see a dear one after being beaten nearly to death by the husband. I have talked to both single and married people struggling to make their relationships better. After trying so hard without success, some were at the verge of giving up. After such experiences, I felt obligated to help someone.

The last century has seen tremendous development in technology, from snail mail to email on the phone, from walking miles to deliver a message to dialing a few buttons on your mobile phone, but little improvement has been seen in the area of human relationships; divorce rates are increasing, families and relationships are becoming more complex, many kids hate school and so on. It’s my dream that as many people as possible can find satisfaction in their personal relationships and leave hope to the present-day and future generations.

This book is an ignition to better relationships, staying in effective control of your life and connected to the people you care about. It will offer you a framework to operate in and a foundation to lay your bricks through life’s seasons. In such a tough world, it is important to know how to stay in effective control of your life regardless of what life brings. You may not have control of what life throws at you but

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fortunately you have control of what you think and do. What you think and do will determine how you feel, not the other way round.

The right mindset is like a brook, naturally oozing clean and refreshing water. As you practice the ideas in this book, you’ll begin to notice more people around you and start to experience deeper, healthier relationships. It’s my pleasure to share these lessons with you.

Part 1

Quality Relationships

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PRINCIPlE 2: Eliminate Destructive Habits

And Develop Caring Ones

here is a fascinating story about training attack dogs. These dogs are taught not to accept food or treats from strangers and not

to pick anything from off the ground they are guarding since it may be poisoned. Thieves use these tactics to get in and attack. They are also taught indifference towards other dogs, especially towards females that are on heat. This is so that they are not completely distracted from doing their job. Barking is important if the dog is inside the house, but if it is outside it needs to approach the suspect quietly without barking in order to attack by surprise. This makes the criminal set off in panic but the dog is not supposed to follow the thief, it needs to stay within its guardianship perimeter.

They are also taught violent attacks that bring the criminal down. It bites on the person’s extremities like the arms or legs. The person attacked may attempt to be free so the bite needs therefore to be strong. The dog learns to use its whole mouth by pressing its molars down so that one cannot escape. In addition, it has to be well trained to let go at the owners command and continue being on guard for suspicious movement from the criminal. The dogs are taught which habits to stop and which ones to practice.

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human beings can do this better than dogs. If they are willing, they can acquire the habits they desire and drop the ones they don’t by practice. A lot of people around the world are unhappy in their relationships because they use deadly habits. These habits lead to dissatisfaction in relationships and eventually destroy it. At the beginning of a relationship, almost all the time people use caring habits. Both of them are almost convinced that they are suitable for each other because of the way each of them is treated by the other.

Just to mention a few, they surprise each other with gifts, days out, say sweet words to each other, chat all day long, late night calls and bragging about each other to friends. They avoid anything that may offend the other person, matter of fact they actively think about almost everything they do. When the other person makes a mistake he or she kindly says, “It’s okay.”

As they know each other more they discover they have differences. At this time, they have gotten used to each other and begin to use what they have used over the years; the deadly habits. In other words, they begin to do what they know; controlling each other. These habits lead to disconnection and sooner or later one or both of them begins to think they are not meant for each other. You will hear some say, “May be he doesn’t love me anymore”.

This principle is about dropping deadly habits and practicing caring ones. I consider this as the most important principle. I have explained the major habits below. It takes time to learn how to play an instrument so please note that refraining from these deadly habits

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and acquiring the caring ones does not happen overnight. Take as much time, uproot habits and plant others by continuous practice.

When you plan to drop a deadly habit, sometimes you’ll find yourself using it again but don’t give up. It takes time to stop something you are used to doing almost all your life. When I began my journey to end destructive habits, I could notice when I criticized and would stop at that moment. With time, I got better. As you drop deadly habits and begin to use caring ones, you’ll begin to notice a huge difference in your relationships. let us have a look at the major destructive habits:

CriticizingCriticizing is judging, evaluating and analyzing others and trying to find fault in them. In other words, it is to disapprove of someone or something; to say what you do not like or think is wrong about someone or something. how do you feel when someone criticizes you? how do you feel if someone said they don’t like the way you cook or the kind of clothes you wear? Criticizing is like piercing the other person’s heart and it leaves it bleeding. A lot of times, people criticize others yet they are not perfect, just like the pot calling the kettle black. People dislike being judged and criticized, if they realize you are a critic, they will not open up to you. good relationships require free communication which is hindered by criticism.

Criticism is one of the most dangerous habits. There are better ways to deal with people we do not agree with without criticizing them.

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ComplainingThis involves expressing discontent with another person, griping and whining about them. There are people who complain about anything including nothing. They seem to find faults in others all the time. People become sick of complaints and the relationship begins to weaken. When we complain, we lose focus from examining ourselves to expecting others to change. here are a few examples of complaining and suggestions that have a chance of working.

Scenario 1a. If you didn’t spend all the time wearing your make up, we would

not have missed the train.

b. I would not like us to miss the train; can we leave on time

tomorrow?

Scenario 2c. You always come home late. I sleep late worried if you are safe.

You cannot even tell me you’ll be late.

d. honey when you are not home on time, I sleep late worried if

you are safe. Would you please be calling to tell me you’ll be late?

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EncouragingEncouraging is tapping into one’s strengths and confidence to greater efforts in meeting their needs. It is giving someone courage and hope. At times someone is weary and challenged but a word of encouragement gives them gas for an extra mile. It gives them the strength to keep going. Sometimes we just need someone to tap on our shoulders and say, “you can do it or you’ll make it”

I was talking to a friend an hour before she attended a job interview. I realized she was becoming nervous. She was afraid.

She asked me to accompany her to the company but I was busy that afternoon so I said, “I would want to but I won’t be able because I have a few commitments in the afternoon.” I noticed the discouraged look on her face and I decided to squeeze some time for her. We arrived at the reception and found about five ladies waiting there. later I learnt that they were also there for the interview.

My friend was becoming really tense and I intentionally said, “If I was an employer I would choose you because first, you look more presentable than these other girls. From your hair to your shoes, you look fabulous. They are looking for sales and marketing executives and image presentation is important for a marketer. You are intelligent and qualified and what I think you need to do is believe in yourself. It seems I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Walk in confidently smiling and respond to their questions, you have all it takes to get the job.” I noticed the relief on her face as she slowly calmed down.

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She took the interview and came out smiling. On our way back she said, “You know what! You make me strong!” As a young man and those words coming from a beautiful lady, I was also encouraged! I almost sang the song, “You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; you raise me up… to more than I can be”. An encouragement could be a few words but goes a long way.

ListeningThe wise man must have said a lot of things because he also said, “be quick to listen and slow to speak”. The opposite is the easiest and most practiced. listening is different from hearing. hearing is as simple as perceiving sound.

You are listening when you can identify with what the other person is saying, get in their shoes and walk a mile in them to get the message they are communicating to you. The goal is to understand what he or she wants you to know. There is a lot we can learn about people by listening to them.

Sometimes, when people are facing challenges, they do not necessarily need us to solve their problems. There is healing in being listened to. When you listen as they pour out their hearts to you, they feel relieved. They can figure out how to deal with the situation without your help; you help them help themselves.

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listening is fundamental in connecting with people and vital in having meaningful conversations. It calls for full attention to what the others are saying; not thinking what to say as they speak. Sometimes we may have to switch off the television or put our cellphones aside and listen.

My late grandmother and I were very close. She lived in the countryside and sometimes she came to the city for proper medical checkup due to her age. Almost everyone would go to work and she would be left at home with the house help. When I got some free time I came home and if she needed some food, I would prepare some. She enjoyed sitting outside the house especially when there was plenty of sunshine. I would sit there and we would talk a lot. She would tell me many things and I would listen. I could perceive the things she wanted for her children and some of the problems she was facing. As she talked, surprisingly, she would come up with answers. When people are talking about something, at the same time, they are thinking and somehow they figure out some things. Besides that, she had someone to talk to and that made her feel better.

We often listen to the radio more than we listen to important people in our lives. We know more about issues facing the planet more than we know about issues confronting our children, spouses and parents.