Building Resilient Children Bullying, Harassment& Cyber Safety

Kerrie Hayes-Williams & Mark Woolley Catholic Education Office Diocese of Wollongong

25th March, 2009

Some Myths

  ‘I was bullied and it didn’t do me any harm’

  ‘He’ll just have to learn to stand up for himself’

  ‘Tell him to hit back – harder’

  ‘It’s character building’

  ‘Sticks and stones . . . .’

  ‘That’s not bullying! It’s just kids teasing.’

Australian Research Results (Ken Rigby, 2006)

  1:6 is bullied on a weekly basis   More frequent in primary school for both

genders peaking in years 4/5   Reports of lack of support, isolation,

absenteeism (1:5 boys, 1:4 girls), feeling unsafe   Health consequences – perceived or real

‘Bullying and harassment happens when people deliberately and

repeatedly use and abuse their power to hurt, annoy, torment or put

down other people they see as weaker or smaller

What is bullying??

Bullying includes: Social banter

hurtful teasing pushing and shoving malicious gossip racist comments exclusion extortion phone and internet abuse sexual harassment damage to property physical violence use of weapons

criminal acts verbal threats stalking cyberbullying

Family Bullying

  Occurs when a person in a family uses their power to control those with less power in ways that are threatening and abusive.

  It includes:   spouse/partner abuse,   child abuse and neglect,   parent abuse by adolescents,   sibling threats and aggression, and   abuse of older adults by caregivers

Normal Peer Conflict Bullying

Equal power between friends Imbalance or power between friends

Individuals often play together Individuals rarely play together

Happens occasionally Repeated negative actions

Accidental On purpose

Not serious Serious with threat of physical or emotional harm

Equal emotional reactions Strong emotional reaction from victim and little or no emotional reaction from bully

Not seeking power or attention Seeking power, control, or material things

Not trying to get something Attempt to gain material things/power

Remorse – will take responsibility No remorse – blame victim

Effort to solve problem No effort to solve problem

Ratting vs…

  Ratting is a child telling about another to get them into…

TROUBLE

…Reporting

  Reporting occurs to protect one’s

SAFETY

Bullying and Coercion

Teasing, Harassing

Tolerance consideration

Caring, Supportive

Positive Home

Environment

Negative Home

Environment

Creating Caring, Connected and Safe Homes

•  Teach social skills •  Cooperative learning experiences •  No ‘put-down’ zones •  Develop empathy for others

What happens when . . . •  Expectations/consequences •  Opportunities for ‘healing the harm’ done to others •  Restore relationships

Girls Bullying Boys Bullying   Starts in year 1-2

  Typically use ‘put-downs’

  Usually about clothing, hair, or overall appearance

  Years 3-4 tactics change

  Isolation from group

  Promise of inclusion for favours

  Cliques or groups taunt or harass at recess or lunch

  Years 5-6 situation worse

  Intimidating or threatening notes warning of things to happen

  Gossiping and spreading damaging and embarrassing stories commonplace

  Typically use physical aggression or by threatening to use it

  Quick jab, push or shove, elbow or knee or head thrust into a wall or locker

  Whatever it is – hurts and over quickly before anyone sees.

  Size and strength is intimidating

  Create fear and a present threat of harm from physical abuse

  Boys see bullies as large, strong and powerful

  Can peak in year 4/5

Victim Profile   Generally tend to lack friends

and social support   More cautious, sensitive, quiet

and non-aggressive   Often lack confidence in their

abilities   If a boy –tend to be smaller

and physically weaker   Considered by others as

‘different’

Possible signs of bullying   Not wanting to go to school   Avoiding certain activities   Cuts and bruises   Asking for stolen possessions to be replaced   ‘Losing’ lunch money   Falling out with previous friends   Being moody and bad tempered   Being quiet and withdrawn   Refusing to talk about what happens at school   Loss of appetite, bedwetting   Aggression with brothers and sisters   Doing less well at schoolwork   Insomnia, anxiety   Talking about not having friends

Persistent bullying can result in:

  Anxiety and depression

  Low self-esteem

  Shyness or lack of confidence

  Humiliation & mental anguish

  Poor concentration

  Poor academic achievement

  Avoidance or absenteeism

  Rejection and isolation

  Thoughts, threats or attempts of self-harm or suicide

A typical bully is a person who:   Values power and the rewards aggression bring   Has a desire to hurt and expressed in action   Someone is hurt   Lacks compassion and empathy for others   Lacks guilt for his or her actions   Believes it is OK to treat others in a cruel fashion   Likes to dominate and be in charge   Thinks it’s OK to be abusive in order to get something   Avoids adults and plays/spends time out of adult sight   Is verbally convincing   Projects problems onto others   Enjoys the interaction

Eyes: red, teary, weepy, narrowed, looking down or away

Face: white, red, tense muscles

Lips: tight or mouth open

Head: down

Shoulders: slumped, bent over, pulled back

Voice: very quiet, angry, Upset, muffled, a grunt

Body movements: Frozen, stuck, paralysed, rigid, fidgeting, walking away

Verbal retaliation: blabbering, criticising back, blaming

Feelings demonstrated: fear, anger, hurt, hate, embarrassment, teariness

Demeanour: doing Nothing or being powerless

The Bully’s Target

(HO)

Impact on the Bully

  Learned behaviour   Becomes a ‘way of life’   Limited social skills   Poor relationships   Higher chance of

juvenile delinquency   More likely to turn to

criminal activity as adult

  Escalated aggression   Suffer higher rates of

depression   As adults treat their own

children in a dominating and emotionally abusive manner

  Acts as role models for their children

Impact on Bystanders

  Lowered self-esteem

  Loss of control

  Feeling of powerlessness

  Often scared and isolated

‘He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it’ (Martin Luther King)

What stops children?

  Common urge at times that can involve:

  A sense of shame (motivational force)

  Worry about parents’ reactions/disapproval

  Concerned about the peers judgments

  It is not cool in their group

  Witnessing the pain and hurt of victims

  Learning social and emotional skills for managing relationships

Steps to Help Your Child. . .   Listen . . .

  Talk to your child about why some people act like bullies/victims

  Empower and teach your child to be part of the solution

  Build resilience & interpersonal skills (communication skills, conflict resolution & encourage friendships)

  Focus developing attitudes (unprejudiced, cooperation, empathy, resisting negative group pressure, self-acceptance

  Work collaboratively with school to solve it

Faulty beliefs/ attitudes to change

  I’m not good enough   Being different is bad

  I am to blame   I have the right to be sensitive

  I can’t accept the truth   I can do it my own way   People should be fair

  Nothing works   No-one can help

  I think it is a waste of time

Thinking (Self-Talk)

Positive Negative

Feeling (Emotions)

Behaviour (Actions)

I’ll just keep paddling and eventually someone will come to help me

I’ll never get help, I’m tired and I can’t do this anymore!

The Secrets of Relating for Children

  Secret 1: Understand why you are bullied

  Secret 2: Build your self-esteem

  Secret 3: Become a confident communicator

  Secret 4: Create your own ‘power pack’

  Secret 5: Develop a support network

Bullying and Coercion

Teasing, Harassing

Tolerance consideration

Caring, Supportive

Positive Home

Environment

Negative Home

Environment

Creating Caring, Connected and Safe Homes

•  Teach social skills •  Cooperative learning experiences •  No ‘put-down’ zones •  Develop empathy for others

What happens when . . . •  Expectations/consequences •  Opportunities for ‘healing the harm’ done to others •  Restore relationships

Safe environments

  Everyone should be treated with respect.

  Children need to be held accountable and responsible for their actions.

  When actions occur that affect safety, quick intervention is needed.

  We must work together to stay on target!

Talking with staff at St. Therese

  List what happened.

  Be clear and firm about the suffering

  Be prepared to name the bully

  If persists – WHO, WHAT, WHERE & WHEN

  Follow school policy and procedures

  Collaborate with school on a plan of action

  Keep in contact until bullying or harassing stops

Together we can make a difference