by anono-mouse © hayden pratt 2001home.alphalink.com.au/~gpratt/halfwit.pdf · advice. every...

by Anono-Mouse © Hayden Pratt 2001

Half Wit, Half Brains.

'Half Wit, Half Brains' was a title of mine once. Anono-Mouse has turned it into the title for this biography which is longer than 'A Bunch of Hours in the Life of Borri the Innkeeper' and 'An Interview with Mordenkainen', put together. He's done a superb job of interviewing and researching to come to conclusions on issues and relate stories from my past. I officially authourise this biography, and I hope you read the whole book, maybe not all in one sitting, but eventually, because I realise it's awfully long. - Ian, Lovable Bardlike Dude. Dedicated to Mallegar, Mez, Mork, Shadowcaster and Shazbut

An Ian Biography.

Chapters. Foreword (by Mez) 1. Origins 2. Socials 3. Gender 4. Summer Movies 5. Trolls 6. Songs 7. Clans 8. The Parent Trap 9. Titles 10. Friends and foes 11. The Pen is Mightier than the Horde 12. Ian answers your questions


Foreword. Comments, harsh truths and gratification performed by literary wizard and resident nacho man, Mez.

<<Excerpt from Mid-semester report, Ms Demeanour - Troll Formative Quarry and Detention Institute>> Ian must be dealt with harshly. Every learning opportunity has been provided him, even a special place in the School for Underprivileged Trolls. We have exhausted every medical option afforded him, even the painful ones, to find the cause of his instability. We have tested his eyes for weaknesses through extensive poking. His teeth graded for hardness with the Rockwell system. His stomach continually pummelled by the rest of the class. An acid bath, thought to cure any ailment through blinding pain, merely destroyed his trollskin to a pathetically fleshy, soft variety. Verified and tested with a range of poking, prodding and exploratory probes, there seems no other reasonable conclusion for the rampantly deviant behaviour it continues to display. We will have to accept the truth. Ian's condition is not one of the physical ailments. Plainly, Ian is insane, and as an orphan we must decide the best place for him. It is best we hide him in a damp, dark, and preferably desolate place for him to mature and wither like a wasted scrap of food. A fate well befitting one of the most useless scraps of ore ever to stray across my path. *screams* Ian, you miscreant! You go and drop that pen and join the crushing class immediately! And there'll be no skulls-and-gizzards for you at playtime!

<<Excerpt ends, with a variety of profoundly disturbing curses>> Ignoring the errors associated with having speech in a written report, we progress with Ian's tale... Although the cause of Ian's problems was eventually found to be a rogue jellybean lodged at the base of his spine, Ian seemed to enjoy the role he had fitted into at this young age. Magnifying and shaping his unstable mental powers, he has honed himself into the fine model of Heroism we all strive to become. It would be fairly apt to say that no text could truly describe all the nuances and clever mannerisms that make up the character of legend. His influences on the MUD have been broad and far reaching. From the most prestigious of players to the scrawny underlings who routinely look to him for advice. Every perspective has a different story to tell. From my own point of view, a few poignant memories could best be used to exemplify Ian, and whet the appetite for the raucous mocking and laughter that is to follow in the text proper. - Pkill Prowess: A time between level 80-90, myself, Multani and Ian were locked on the same level for a while. Seeing as Ian and I were moping around quite aimlessly at the time, Nyx

An Ian Biography.

proposed a simple deal. A pkill tussle between the best of friends, the winner to take a prized sum of 3000 gold. With Ian having previously given me a (very hard-earned) "Frozen Dustbuster", I was reluctant to fight, but thought that it would be all in harmless fun. Nyx obviously had other plans, perhaps looking for a small feud to amuse himself as he sat high atop the mortal plains. Preparing myself for an almighty battle, I spared no expense; I even wielded that dagger against he who had so generously given it me. Ian calmly rallied his resolve and met me west of Redemption, a little clearing in Grandwood Forest. Quickly skimming over the part where I pummelled Ian into the ground with about 30% of my hp left, it was a lasting memory of Ian�s ability to control his character in the heat of battle. The title Fleein' Ian is indeed accurate; with his "Kleenex-Brand" equipment and a skill so graceful, it was a good reminder of why Ian lives by the motto, "The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword". - I Can't Believe You Missed It: A very memorable occasion in which myself, Ian and Shadowcaster were involved in a fast-paced, quick-witted exchange of words that left those on the mud at the time laughing until they collapsed in a heap, or annoyed to the point that they typed "deaf" for some sweet, sweet sanity. Maybe the best hour I�ve had the pleasure of experiencing on Paradox, and one I�ll continue to treasure whenever I think of what a cesspit the mud will eventually become... *cough* - The Day the Realm Shook, Twice: Everyone spluttered over their morning meal as they awoke to the news that both Ian and Mez had managed to hero. Three heroes born in succession, it was no shock that Riddle had finally prevailed also. The fact that a pair of such inept adventurers had somehow skulked their way to a respectable position was enough to rankle in many people's bones for a long time to come. It was not the actual moment, or the celebrations to follow (which left everyone burping uncontrollably for days), but the race to the top which was the most interesting... Having three characters bound so closely together for levelling, the rivalry to be the first to hero was exceedingly great. At least I thought it so; but then I�ve always been one to brag and jest about my excellence to others. Many-a-mobile was downed with ease, the last of those pesky Rothe Shepherds and the weak snotlings of a Soulkiller... although the much-touted Soulkiller-killer was in his element, it was Ian who prevailed a solid two hours before I myself straggled across the line. Congratulations to Ian... following his completely unpredictable nature to the last, he managed to string together some skill in fighting. Who would have thought? Arguably the most interesting viewpoint, however, is from within that poorly-housed skull of our quasi-Hero. Anono-Mouse has delivered a treat, effectively picking Ian's brain from every angle and faithfully delivering it to your doorstep. From Ian�s obsession with The Parent Trap, to his ongoing bardic problems... his time on the mud, self-criticisms, and even an insight into what he thinks of your very self. A definitive historical summary of Ian's exploits and failures, the highs and the lows, the applause and the cringing, the biography provides a viciously funny perception of the Ian we know and... er... love. After all is said, however, the best way to understand and appreciate Ian remains, ultimately, the most fun. Simply visiting Paradox on occasion and having a friendly chat to Ian will provide you with a wealth of experiences, wisdom, and an anecdote or two to tell the grandchildren. Either that or a bounty of laughter, puzzling episodes and the most innovative titles the realm has to offer... In the dynamic of a realm ultimately unique in it's myriad of social experiences, is a shining jewel which we all look upon and revere. E-ain. Aie-nan. Na-i-nai-o. Call him what you will. Ian, Half Wit, Half Brains. The Whole Story.


Origins. Ian had parents, would you believe? Well, if you don't, then you may as well count this whole chapter as a fairytale. Ian's parents were named StoneBrain and TrollFace. They lived in Troll Valley, a Giant Valley subsidiary. Back in those days, Trolls could have children, as they were male and female. Refer to chapter 3 for more details about that. StoneBrain, Ian's father, was a professional tunnel digger. At the time, Trolls had just implemented the innovative 'Headbutt the rock until it breaks' technique. StoneBrain imparted all his knowledge to Ian, which took a whole afternoon. TrollFace, Ian's mother was a more gentle and caring killing machine. She cared for Ian and he grew up from the size of a pebble to the ideal size for a doorstop. Ian didn't have limbs at that time, being a Troll baby, he was just a little rock with a big mouth. "Can you say 'Indolent poltroon'?" his mother used to baby talk to him, as she poured soot into his hungry little mouth. Unfortunately, as happens to all parents in stories like this, the vile and humourless sanity police dragged them away, to a place they would never be seen again. Well maybe they could have been seen again, if Ian had of bothered looking. But where was Ian? Ian sat on a shelf in the seized property room. Like all rocks, they were babysat by a lonely cityguard with an office job. This guard liked one thing, and one thing only. It was 'The Parent Trap'. Ian watched and listened (he had grown eyes and ears) to this movie all day, every day. Note: If you ever see a cityguard, it may be the one who likes the Parent Trap. Keep this in mind as you deal the fatal blow, as this could stop the spread of a terrible epidemic. (If you were wondering where Multani, Ian's brother, was at the time, you'll have to ask him yourself.) He enjoyed his days as a pet rock, but when they became less popular he grew arms and legs, which gained him qualification to join a travelling circus. The friendly Ring Master, Mr. Nostrilda-Mouse (Anono-Mouse's uncle), took a shine to Ian. Or almost, he took Ian to a jeweller so his stone skin could be buffed. Ian�s act was to be the famous shiny Troll thing that got cannon balls shot at it. For obvious reasons, most people found this incredibly boring and cried for blood, or a cute squirrel act. Ian moved on to the position of acrobat. This was also short lived. When the troupe arrived in Midgaard, Ian ran away from the circus.

An Ian Biography.

The Scro invaded Midgaard, but Ian was unaffected, as he was pretending to be a large boulder. He hid like this in a vigilant and helpful state until one day he woke up (which is very strange since a Troll needs no rest) in MUD School. Ian went to visit his good friend the Brick of Training, who taught him eighth attack. Ian made a childhood friend - Mez, or Derwin as he liked to be known as at the time. He and Ian and sometimes Multani used to gang up and kill evil foes like the cunning farmboy and the scheming Scarecrow. Ian went in search of fame and fortune in the Iron Hills. He disappeared for several months. Some used to claim that Ian was the huge boulder in the north of the Hills, and besides the fact they had absolutely no idea what they were taking about and also that that boulder is there even now while Ian is not, they were completely right. To his good fortune, Ian was an untidy little creature. One day when a magician tripped over some of Ian's toys, he cursed him with a human appearance. This makes him look comical and boyish, which he thinks is quite desirable. The down side is that this can flicker on and off in times of dwindling mana. Methods of Inactivity, or MOI as they are never known, were taught to our helpless Hero by his then clan leader, Shadowcaster. Ian has kindly detailed some points so budding adventurers can be nipped in the bud. 1) Sit around doing nothing. 2) Repeat step 1. After returning from his period of perfect inactivity, Ian wrote a song on the back of an upside-down Dwarf (don't ask) and his career as a Lovable Bardlike Dude took off from there.


Socials. One thing that Ian makes use of is the social command. Though this isn't as unique as some of the other things he might do. The custom socials are often very surreal. Ian has provided some tips for good socialising below. 1. Alias a short term such as 'so' as 'social emote'. Then 's' will be south, 'so' will be changed from south to 'social emote' and 'soc' will be social, for regular socials. 2. Though social emotes are very fun, don't forget to use regular socials that can integrate seamlessly and quickly into conversation. Socials such as 'laugh', 'rofl', 'chuckle' and 'bow' are often a fine response to a sentence. For example if Multani gossiped that he was the greatest Mage this Realm has ever seen, 'social laugh multani' would be appropriate. 3. Make sure you understand the difference 'you' can make on the social emote channel. For instance, I once did this. "SOCIAL: Ian blames YOU for the bad things." Everyone said who, me? And some just pointed to themselves, obviously confused. Of course, I did this to bewilder people, but it still seems easy to be fooled by. 4. There is one way to badly word a social. When someone of a certain gender refers to another of the same gender there can be some pronoun confusion. For instance: "SOCIAL: Conan and Mez wonder how many kegs he could drink." To whom does 'he' refer, Conan or Mez? Alternate wording may read: "SOCIAL Conan and Mez wonder how many kegs Conan could drink." Here the name Conan is repeated for clarity, yet the sentence does not read well with the same name twice. Perhaps "SOCIAL: Conan and Mez wonder how many kegs the former could drink." would be better. Try and word your sentences so they use pronouns effectively. 5. Always end a social emote with a full stop. Ones that do not end with a period look fake, if that's possible. As an extension of this, use correct punctuation throughout the whole social. 6. Avoid the mistake of social emoting what you meant to social. Something like "SOCIAL: Ian ogle 4.elder" will never look good. As a source of amusement, we asked Ian to write a few original social emotes. If this is not your cup of tea, don't drink it. SOCIAL: Ian says 'Oooh'. You hate it when he does that.

An Ian Biography.

SOCIAL: Ian Malcolm keeps an eye out for dinosaurs. SOCIAL: Ian declares himself the cornerstone of the who list, and retires. SOCIAL: Ian claims that his head is so big because his brain needed more space. SOCIAL: Ian fights off hordes of Scro with one hand and pens a song with the other. SOCIAL: Ian blames YOU for the good things. SOCIAL: Ian recommends the Parent Trap to Borri. SOCIAL: Borri takes over typing for Ian, since he seems to be making such a mess of it. SOCIAL: Ian tells you to "Come get some cake." SOCIAL: someone hits you over the head with a rolled up biography. SOCIAL: Ian has had 'irons in the fire' so long that they're melting. SOCIAL: Ian puts on a pair of bi-faecals and makes a spectacle of himself. SOCIAL: Ian put a ParadoxIan update on his wishlist. SOCIAL: a wishlist wedgies Ian to the heavens! Run, you might be next! SOCIAL: Ian is a superhuman spud, capable of world procrastination. SOCIAL: Ian is a closet Thespian. He wouldn't be if he could work out how use a doorknob. SOCIAL: Ian develops a master race of chipmunks in a test tube, and is awarded a B+. SOCIAL: Ian autographs the Greater Doomshadow's baseball cap. Then he points out which direction Multani headed and waits for the squeals of terror. You feel a presence in the room. Multani sends you the dust of the Greater Doomshadow. SOCIAL: Ian tries to find the secret 'in between' mode on a light switch. Then he counts to half in binary. SOCIAL: Ian gives you his phone number. 555-EKAF. SOCIAL: Ian looks so blank you feel the need to spray graffiti all over him. SOCIAL: Ian declares himself Super Saiyan Ian, even though he has practically no idea what one is. SOCIAL: Ian develops a diabolical plan, but is too lazy to put into action. SOCIAL: Ian tries to divide you from your clan, but you can't divide by zero.


Gender. 'Where did I come from?' Guest writer - Borri the Innkeeper. 'Tis the Trollish gender ye be 'quiring 'bout? Aye, Borri knows the answers to all ye questions. 'Twas an intoxicated Troll who told me those many Wolf copyrigh'ed moons ago, he was male, y'see, and I had nought to do but inquire 'bout how 'e was gendered at all, bein' a Troll and ev'rything. (Though t' this day I wonder how a Troll was under th' influence at all.) "ME NOT REGLAR TROLL," the lad said, "ME ONE OF DA ORIGINELS!" "Aye? One of the 'rignals? To what could ye be implyin'?" I replied, not knowin' what in Redemption 'e was talking 'bout. "TROLL FROM TROLL VALLEY USED TO BE BIG STRONG MEN AND STUFF, BUT MEAN BIG GUY STOP IT!" the Troll answered, unintelligibly. "Ar, which mean guy do ye mean?" I asked. "Daragash, Gulchindzar, Mork, Shazbut, Snarf or Souma?" "YAH, ONE OF DEM!" 'e tried to slur. "DAY SAY TROLL BE STRIPPED OF GENDER BECAUSE DAY LOST A GAME OF KNIFEY SPOONY." "That makes as sense as It does," I retorted irrevocably. "And he don't make much sense dese days. 'e just makes a big tab an' a 'ole lot a mess." "DA NEW TROLLS ARE WHAT DA OLD TROLLS MAKE. OLD TROLL KEEP EVERYTING, BUT NEW ONES NOT SO LUCKY." th' Troll sighed. "Y'know ya stereotyping the whole Troll race when ye talk like that, don't ye?" I asked 'im. Dat's when 'e stopped takin' to me. I 'ave to shudder when I wonder 'ow Mr Shandrith can be that 'orrible Ian's uncle. But it does explain how Ian 'as a brother. My guess is that th' ungendered Trolls just pick a gender a stick wit' it. One last word, 'f I may: Imbibe at Borri's!

An Ian Biography.

Summer Movies. Take a break from being glued to your screens by gluing yourself to a different type of screen, a movie screen. These are the top ten movies every self respecting killer should go and see. 10) Monsters Ianc. 9) Ian & Out 8) The Prince Diaries 7) Conan the BarbarIan 6) Indep-Ian-dense Day 5) Never Say Never AgIan 4) nA.I. 3) TitIanic 2) Freq-Ian-cy 1) The Parent Trap


Trolls. Trolls, for the most part, are thought to be inherently evil. This was pretty much true in Redemption until Ian arrived. Sure, Lyssa may have been the white Troll, but this was to distinguish her from the general Troll population. Many times Monthael would have to slaughter them in Executioner's Square, which was useful if he needed a new whetstone. Trolls like Prince, and later Ceratos, did nothing to improve the Troll image, they were neither positive or negative influences to the race. Yet, the Troll image was in for a slight change. Ian came on the scene, first lurking at the bottom of the food chain, but was learning and rising. He composed his first song "We Will Paradox You" around level thirty five and felt a rush of �fame� from there, though that is better discussed in Chapter 6. Ian, for the majority of his existence, was in Shadow clan. This served him well. He easily coped in daily life, copying the 'diet evil' potrayed by his clan leader. Alas, this living was ended with the rise of Mordenkainen and the revelation that Ian was not in any way evil. Ian's next alignment representative step was to join Wolf clan. This was a neutral clan, a stepping stone to a purity (of sorts). This is the same clan that Prince the Troll was and is part of. This, though, was short lived. Some say that Ian joined Skunk for its individuality, which is the reason he stands by. Others say it is because it was, and is at the time of writing, in the care of perhaps the most righteous being around, Aldmyre. As he had a Wizard of Caladrean leading him, his path turned brighter. Trolls, though have had their name blackened by two dastardly diplomats, Multani and Shahg. Multani, while possessing a good inner strength, lets it be overpowered, for a price. Shahg, on the other hand, seems to ooze evil, and brings disrepute the race, at least on the rare occasion when he stands to be counted as one.

--- Troll-Grunt is perhaps one of the most unique and unintelligible languages around. Unlike Elven, or Fairy or any of the other formal languages, Troll-Grunt is unrefined and inefficient. What Troll-Grunt is not, however, is a primitive pronunciation of the Common form of speech. Troll-Grunt involves a the full range of sounds, none used in conjunction with each other to form words, as with most tongues, but each is used as a word in itself, restricting the user to a tiny vocabulary. To aid this, many gestures are used, from facial expressions to the flailing of the arms. Note that this can create problems when a Troll wishes to communicate over long distances. This is partially remedied by the stressing of sounds in a sentence, which is strangely not done in face-to-face communication.

An Ian Biography.

Trolls start life with the full ability to speak Troll-Grunt, but are always schooled in Common if they are to have any contact in the outside world. Some are taught better than others. For instance, Ian speaks excellently in Common, as he says he has taken a real shine to it. Others, such as Prince, speak loudly and with grammatical errors, not due to lack of effort, but lack of education. Yet others, such as Shahg and Multani speak at a reasonable level of intelligence for a Troll when it suits them, but resort to speaking louder and in a less refined way when trying to get a point across or when trying to stereotype the Troll race. One may wonder if any different dialects exist in Troll-Grunt. The short answer is no. Some members of an all Troll gang once tried to create a variant but felt that the structure was too limited and they were not willing to learn a new language, such as Scro.

--- A Troll's body resembles rock, and yet they bleed. Their teeth are like diamonds yet they do little damage with them. These and other facts about Trolls have intrigued students of different races for years. While we extensively interviewed Ian, we learned a few things about the Troll physique. Pushing against a Troll is like pushing against a mountain. This may be because of where Trolls originate, which is mysteriously unknown. Some speculate that they are evolved rocks, though this is debatable. What is known is that Trolls have bodies which resemble rock. That does not mean they are made of rock, as blood could not travel through their veins if this was the case. Perhaps Trolls have very thick skin. Maybe they have harder flesh than most do. Whatever the case, they can regenerate quickly, unlike any rock. The reason is, and may ever remain, a secret guarded by the Trolls, and even Ian himself. Ian though having the advantages of Troll-like skin, does not resemble a Troll. He is around five feet tall and looks much like a small human boy, naive and impressionable. Partially, this is because of a bath in acid, that Ian had as a child, but predominantly a result of a magician's spell, caused when the spell caster in question tripped over some of Ian's belongings. This spell has advantages and disadvantages. Ian can often slip by unnoticed, and he feels that this appearance is more attractive than his previous one. On the down side, his true personality is revealed to all, friend and foe alike. Also he does not look like a Hero of the Realm, closer to one's sword bearer perhaps. Trolls have diamond-like teeth, yet biting is not as deadly as it could be, this mystery, with Ian's helpful Troll insight, can be solved. There are two reasons that Trolls can not bite their way through everything. Firstly, their teeth are not incredibly sharp, as they are designed as grinding tools and not cutting tools. They cannot be sharpened as they are one of the toughest things in the Realm, even whetstones can be reduced to dust after a prolonged sharpening attempt. Secondly, a Trolls jaw is not incredibly strong, and is designed for eating, not wall scaling. The old 'hold the mouth open with a stick' routine is not to far from reality with a Troll, depending, of course on what the rod is made of. Wood is not renowned for its strength.


Songs. At one stage our of our interview, during a topic changing pause, Ian asked if we were going to ask about his songs. The truth is, we were moments away from it. Apparently every writer in the Realm gets to that stage sooner or later when talking with Ian. Here is a transcript of the conversation. Some irrelevant portions have been edited out, due to Ian's request. Anono-Mouse: You seem to have written a few songs in your career as pseudo-Bard, how many are there all up? Ian: Seven at this stage. AM: Do you have plans for another? Ian: Well, I've just penned "It's Reigning Men" as a bit of a tribute to Skunk clan, I have a few irons in the fire, so to speak, but none of them are related to a new song, in fact all my time has been in interviews with you. AM: So if you did write one at this premature stage, what would it be about? Ian: I guess perhaps 'Weaker' as a parody of 'Stronger'. Maybe based on the different sorts of maledictions you can suffer. I've also been thinking about 'Sanctuary' to the song 'Cest La Vie' for a few months. An idea that just came to me the other day was doing a take on 'Mambo No. 5'. I can just imagine the line "A little bit of Mallegar in my life." AM: So what's the deal with all the parodies? Isn't that plagiarism? Ian: No, no it's not. I feel I can reach a larger audience with a parody, I like my songs to be judged on their content, not their musical merit. I'm not confined to parodies, though. Not too long ago I won the 'Ode to Redemption' competition with a poem I called 'RedemptIan'. AM: In 'Fall Star' you call yourself a "Try hard Bard". Isn't a little strange since you're a common Warrior? Ian: I wouldn't use the word 'common'. Maybe the Bard guild is jealous. Seriously though, I've only seen two Bards attempt to write a song or poem that were worth deeming worth listening to. The first was by Elvis, with 'Suspicious Muds', the second was penned by Raven with a poem which I

An Ian Biography.

unfortunately can't recall the name of. These are predecessors, I try to live up to them, and attempt to surpass them. Also, I have been awarded with the rank of honourary Bard by Hlevyn. AM: When did you write your first song? Ian: It was around level 35. I'd only existed in the realm a relatively short time. I'd written songs before but they were even more pathetically odd. I was attracted to the wide audience I would instantly receive. The song was "We Will Paradox You". It was one of my better ones, although the syllable stresses can be hard to impart over a text medium such as the note system. General reaction to the song was good, just as the song was. I felt a rush of glory, perhaps it was ill warranted. AM: I'll just clarify something for the future readers of this interview, you had a little bit of input when I, Anono-Mouse, put together some of those Paradoxian CDs, didn't you? Ian: Yes, but not as much creative control as I would have liked. AM: One song attributed to you is 'Yellow'. Care to explain that? Ian: Yellow can be a term for a 'chicken' or one who is scared. I seem to have been so heavily labelled like this that I've taken it up as a characteristic feature. That's also portrayed with 'Sometimes'. AM: I'd like to run through every album with you, is that alright? Ian: Go ahead. AM: Ok, on the first CD, titled Paradox the Album, the track 'Leader Of The Pack' by Bulldog. Ian: Simple explanation. Bulldog is the Pack Leader for Wolf Clan. AM: 'Bodyrock' by 'The Trolls'. Ian: I was the lead singer of The Trolls at the time, before they all killed each other and formed gangs in or near the Faerie Realm. It was about the hard skin of Trolls. I suggested it should be about something important like how the Elder Cleric calculates evil in his spare time or how all the good Immortals have names starting with 'S' *wink*, but I was overruled. AM: 'When The Lights Go Out' by Mordenkainen. Ian: This is one track that I'm very glad made an album at this early stage. At that stage Mordenkainen, exLight leader had joined Shadow, but not yet taken it over. Now the Light surely has gone out. AM: 'Who Is It?' by It. Ian: Yes, who is It? He he he he. AM: 'Semi-Charmed Life' by Mallegar. Ian: The Charm spell and Mallegar seemed synonymous for a while after Mallegar rose through the ranks for a second time. Since then it has been heavily modified.


AM: 'We Built This City' by The Immortal Quartet. Ian: They built this city, they built this city, not on Rock and/or Roll but on tens of thousands of lines of 'code'. I'm not quite sure what 'code' is, but it's likely very tasty. AM: 'Why Can't We Be Friends?' by Gulchindzar. Ian: Of course no one could convince Gulchindzar to record a track, so this was recorded when he was singing in the shower. If you find a copy of the first CD, count yourself lucky. 'Gulchy' went on a search and destroy mission after he found out. AM: 'We Don't Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)' by Conan. Ian: Conan had just become a Hero at the time, and we don't need another Hero. Still, Mez, Riddle, Shahg, Multani and myself have become Heroes since, and we weren't needed either. But we're still pretty cool. Maybe we should name the track 'We Don't Need Another Lord', since Conan's over level 170 now. AM: 'Yellow' by your good self. Ian: Yes, we discussed this just a short time ago. It's a label unofficially, attributing the hiding 'scaredy cat' to myself. This is fine with me. I don't have a problem with it, as it sort of shapes my personality. AM: 'Mission: Impossible Theme (Project Shadowcaster Remix)' by Nitestalker. Ian: Like Believe It Or Not on the second CD, this is one of those topical things that people forget about, and that's not what you aim for in making an album, unless it's a pop one. Nitestalker and Bulldog had just set up a weapons making service, and Shadowcaster asked for a rediculously powerful weapon. Shadowcaster is extremely hard to write songs for. AM: '2 Become 1' by Mallegar. Ian: This song is a song referring to multis. Sometimes a well known character turns out to be another well known character. Thus two become one. Cryptic, I know. That's why it needs explanation. AM: There is a quote from 'The GodFather' on the back of the first CD. Who is that? Ian: Mallegar, in his guildmaster days. AM: On the second CD, 'The Riddle' by Derrik. Ian: This really illustrates the personal bond that has been displayed between Riddle and Derrik. Bit of a lame pun in retrospect. AM: 'Wind Beanith My Wings' by Raven. Ian: One thing most people don't recognise is that the song word in the title is Beanith, not beneath. We convinced Raven to sing it, as he seems like he would have metaphorical wings. One line is, humorously, "Did you ever know that you're my Hero?".

An Ian Biography.

AM: 'Stronger' by Conan. Ian: At the time, Conan was had newly become a Hero. He was getting stronger. 'Stronger than yesterday.' AM: 'I Say A Little Prayer' by The Recallers. Ian: This was one of those nonsense time filler songs that seem to cloud up any album. AM: 'Sometimes' by yourself. This was mentioned earlier. Ian: Yes. I guess the operative lines are "Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide. Sometimes I'm scared of you." AM: 'Pray (Elder Cleric Club Mix)' by The Pyre Choir. Ian: I like this song. I met the Elder Cleric once at a dance party. I asked him if he'd ever be interested in doing a remix at the studio sometime. He agreed and I had him mix and old Pyre Choir song. AM: 'Believe It Or Not' by Shadowcaster. Ian: This is one of those flash in the pan songs that everybody forgets, and we who put albums together regret. The hopeless injoke was "I'm walking on air." which is a vague reference to Shadowcaster's former hobby of dropping things, and people, from heights. AM: 'Operation Blade' by Skunkworks. Ian: This was contributed by the Skunkworks as almost a pop advertisement. They claim to be able to create a large range of weapons, each operation concerning a blade would be Operation: Blade, like a project or mission codename. AM: 'You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two' by Mallegar. Ian: Amusing. A light hearted song about stealing for the benevolent Scro Lord Thief. AM: 'The Final Countdown (Reboot Remix)' by Im4tal. Ian: A group of four Immortals submitted this track. Reboot in 5 minutes, please finish your mobs. AM: So how come you don't get credited for working on the CDs? Ian: He he, because I didn't really do any of it, you did. I kinda made a few suggestions here and there but you [Anono-Mouse] did the majority of the work. I have a question for you, why are you asking me about each track, instead of providing the answers yourself, somewhere other than my biography? AM: Well, I guess it's a self advertising ploy.. Moving on, the third CD. Ian: Yes, I remember it well, definitely in the top ten!


AM: Right.. The first track is 'You Can't Touch This (Clan Hall Hiding Remix)' by The Elder Cleric. Ian: I'd forgotten about this song, it made me laugh out loud seeing it again. The Elder Cleric is a great friend of mine, and I smile as I imagine him break dancing to this song at the Funeral Pyre. AM: 'Shiny Happy People' by The Shadows. Ian: Shadow clan used to be full of happy people, until they (at the time of writing) were just a bunch of moping exiles. AM: 'Mmm Bop' by Ashe. Ian: I once heard Ashe singing Mmm Bop as he was breaking a Cityguard in half. Entertaining stuff, so it made the album too. AM: 'Sugar (Honey, Honey)' by Mez. Ian: The inclusion of "Honey, Honey" to the title was to clarify which song was included on the CD. Mez protects the sugar, and on those long lonely nights he sits at the entrance to the sugar cave, he must compose songs. That's one theory. AM: '9pm (Till I Come)' by The Midnight Mudders. Ian: This track is a whole lot of garbage and just a filler. When an album is composed, a certain degree of songs are very good, some are alright, and the rest are as stupid as this one. AM: 'Steal My Sunshine (Utter Darkness Edit)' by Mallegar. Ian: The word 'utter' in the title of this song can be taken one of two ways. The first is similar to 'absolute', the second is similar to 'speak'. AM: There seems to be a lot of Mallegar releases. Ian: I guess he's just easy to write for. He foresaw that his next release would bring death and something else, or something. Good with words, aren't I? AM: 'We Like To Party' by The Greater Doomshadow. Ian: Just try to social dance with a Greater Doomshadow. You'll find they are quite accommodating. AM: 'Tubthumping (Out-Drinking Mix)' by The Skunks. Ian: Someone begged me to have this as a song by them, but since they are not much of a drinker, I said no. But it is true that they get knocked down, and they get up again. Like Skunk clan, sometimes. AM: 'Foolish Games (Pieces Of You Edit)' by Nitestalker. Ian: Though most don't treat life as a game, if you ever have a piece of Nitestalker flesh land beside you, you'll know what I mean.

An Ian Biography.

AM: A quote from you is at the bottom of this CD. I know you were trying to not be labelled as having any part in this CD, which is why you convinced me [Anono-Mouse] to do it. I'm sure, if you had of compiled the albums, there would be a fair few more Ian tracks. So is it true, are the albums better than 'The Parent Trap'? Ian: No. Nothing is better than the Parent Trap, and if you don't like it then I've got a lot of brainwashing to do. AM: What kind of weirdo would like it? Ian: Me. AM: Oh.. CD 4, 'The Animal Song' by Taglion. Ian: Lions are animals. Filler track. AM: 'Parent's Just Don't Understand' by Banned On The Run. Ian: This is the second filler in as many tracks. Who put this shoddy album together? And were they short on ideas? AM: 'There's A Dead Skunk In The Middle Of The Road' by Angelus. Ian: Three filler tracks. Sad but true. Angelus, the Skunk clan member had already stopped gracing the Realms with his presence by the time this song came out. AM: 'Ray Of Light' by Aldmyre. Ian: Aldmyre is one of those people that is really hard to write a song for, like Snarf, but for different reasons. AM: 'Can't Fight The Moonlight' by We're Wolves. Ian: This clever title is spoiled by the artist. We're Wolves might have seemed like a good idea at first, but the band dissipated because the name was less funny each time you said it. AM: 'Angel' by Shahgy. Ian: Shahg was the smallest player to ever manage a place on an Anono-Mouse album. Soon he rose, and proved he was no angel, as the hype would have you believe. AM: 'Live And Let Die' by It Starts To Reign. Ian: Both variants of the title and the artist (as a title) made the Skunk clan album, where they were done better. AM: 'I'm Like A Bird' by Pigeon. Ian: Filler. A pigeon is a bird. Clever, right? AM: No, very lame.


Ian: You wrote it! AM: Drat! 'Who Let The Dogs Out?' by Bulldog. Ian: Probably the best track on the album. A bulldog is a dog. Can you see a common theme? AM: 'When Doves Cry' by The Troll currently known as 'Prince'. Ian: This would make a lot more sense if there was a Dove clan, which I once tried to restart. I wrote a nice long proposal and was rejected. If anyone has paid attention up to here, through that last horrid CD, they deserve a medal. AM: Huh, what, were you just talking? Ian: Yes, you were about to introduce the latest CD at this time, titled 'ShKUNK POWER!'. AM: 'It's Reigning Men' by It. Ian: It performed this track, but I actually wrote it. It's quite amusing, listen to it, or be threatened with the possibility of being square. AM: 'Alld Myre Life' by Aldmyre. Ian: Like I said, Aldmyre's a tough guy to write for. I didn't even like any of the other suggestions put forward, but you can't leave the second in charge out of a clan effort. AM: 'Sugar (Instant Cake Mix)' by Mez. Ian: I had a hungry ghoul do a remix of this for me, since it worked so well the last time. The instant cake tastes good too. AM: 'Alehouse Rock' by Elvis. Ian: Elvis once mentioned having written or at least hearing this song, so I had the rights bought to it through the ParadoxIan and then I spread global terror. Whoops, mischannel. AM: 'Stronger' by Conan. Ian: I was aware that Stronger had been released before, but becoming Warrior Guildmaster made him stronger again. AM: 'Wyld Thing' by Wyldsage. Ian: It's a play on words. I figure she isn't Wyldsage for nothing, or else she'd be Tamesage, which wouldn't make much sense. AM: 'Rockafeller Skunk (Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars)' by Taliesin. Ian: Taliesin, a pal of mine, thanked me for attributing to him what he considered to be the best part of the album, I suppose I better pass that credit to you, Anono-Mouse. AM 'Crusin' (From the album "Duart's")' by Duart.

An Ian Biography.

Ian: Don't ask. This is a lame joke that I'd like to call a misprint. The album is meant to be 'Duets'. AM: Wow, that's powerfully pathetic. Ian: Hey, that sounds like a good title, can I use it? AM: "'War' What Are They Good For?" by Ian. Ian: Warriors are good for tanking. Sorry if I ripped the guts out of that ancient riddle for you. AM: The final track: 'Liver Let Die' by Shazbut. Ian: This ballad is from Skunk clan's founder, Shazbut. He's a pretty cool guy too. AM: You realise we haven't even started to go into your own songs. Ian: Yes, I'm waiting for that. A Troll needs no rest, how about mice? AM: Your first song was "We Will Paradox You" which you released in note form at about level 35. Tell us about that. Ian: I actually wrote that song for the benefit of Multani, but when we realised that it was actually good, I made the move to tell the rest of the Realm. It was daunting, to tell you the truth. There I was, working out how to post a note and I had to realise that nearly every note reader in the Realm would see it. High profile people too, like Ashe and Mallegar and Rannik. The song doesn't match the parodied one (We Will Rock You) as well as one would like, but it's still good. AM: There is a rumour I started that says that you completely rewrote the last verse for public viewing. Is this true? Ian: Yes, the former one mentioned 'stealing from the tills' and similar lines which I felt were inappropriate, and I removed. Now a much more light hearted tone is embraced, but it still doesn't let you forget what Mud is the best. AM: The verses, like the original seem to progress, yet the player would be at level one in the first verse and about level fifteen in the second. Then they're clan leader at the end. That's a big jump, and I can't imagine anyone relating to this. Ian: Stop picking on me! I was only little myself. AM: You mention becoming a Hero some day. Is this song about you? Ian: No, it's not meant to be anyway. I certainly don't have any plans to take my clan leaders' place, that's just not the sort of Troll I am. AM: Your second song was 'Larger Than Light' by the Backstreet Bards. This was a parody of 'Larger Than Life' by the Backstreet Boys. Anything you can tell us about that?


Ian: Yes, Hylevyn awarded me the title of honourary Bard. This is not my best work though. Perhaps my best song was the third. There are some catchy parts of this song, but it didn't turn out to be worth the many nights of work that I put in. AM: Your third song was 'I'd Fight It (But I Might Die)' by the Magicalspring as a parody of 'Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)' by the Offspring. Was it topical at the time? Ian: I just realised you interview like I would, if I was really annoying. Yes, it was topical. I was in Shadow clan at the time and in the player kill range of both Elvis and Angelus, those in the clan we were at war with. They, in particular Elvis, did a lot of chasing. I was trying to throw off the wimp stereotype, and then, by coincidence, I had written a song about a guy who was had never left Funeral Pyre, and yet was scared to death of the Elder Cleric. Quite ironic. This might be my favourite, it sure is enormous and it took forever to perfect. One error I made in the initial release that nobody informed me about was the fact that a common cry is 'BANZAI!' not bonsai, as I stated. My favourite line is in this song. "He's scared of the ticks, and el-der clerics./If you want to spook him just give him some emote kicks." Second favourite is in this song also. "Implementors, Reverse Buskers./Those things also frighten him plus all the gossipers." This song is my longest by far and it took weeks of nights to complete. All my spare time was dedicated to thinking up witty little rhymes. AM: Are you aware that 'Weird Al' Yankovic already did a parody of this song? Ian: Yes, I am. I almost didn't write mine because of it. But I felt my song was different, and mine was a parody of Pretty Fly For a White guy, not his Pretty Fly for a Rabbi. I'm actually a Weird Al fan, my favourite song at the moment is still "It's All About the Pentiums". AM: After this song there was a long period where there were no songs. Why? Ian: There was a song, by Terror. It was about Shadow clan, and it was only posted to Shadow clan. Is wasn't well motivated. I wrote songs because my ego told me they were hilariously funny. *wink* But Terror wrote his after Shadowcaster, Shadow clan leader at the time, let Shadow know that original ideas such as the songs, but not the songs as that idea was already thought of, would be rewarded. So maybe Terror kind of ripped me off, not that I mind. I don't ever recall hearing that he was rewarded. AM: I'll rephrase my question then. After this song there was a long period where there were no songs from you. Why? Ian: I guess it was because I had already written my best. Other Paradox projects kept me occupied. Finally, after many other ParadoxIan contributions, I wrote 'Fall Star' by BashSouth as a parody to 'All Star' by Smashmouth. AM: That can't be, I've been following your work and I've seen two other songs in between. Ian: This is the development process. 1. I write a song. 2. I send the song to the ParadoxIan. I'm not sure what happens in step 3, but it's sure to be complex and stuff. AM: So you're telling me you wrote this fourth?

An Ian Biography.

Ian: Yes. This song was written when I had become a Hero and it's about myself. I am the 'Fall Star'. It might seem that the power is going to my head, but there's plenty of room up there since it's so inflated. Seriously, this was a fun, fun song to write, the ink just jumped out of my pen. Of course I had to shape it on the page, though. Damn leaky pens. AM: You put yourself forward as fairly pathetic in this song, what is the reader/listener supposed to think? Ian: They're supposed to have enough intelligence to realise that I wrote it. If somebody else had of written it, they'd risk offending me. (With that many puts downs at least!) Of course I don't attempt to level in the graveyard, the Parklands is more my style. AM: So if you write the songs, why do you put other peoples names to them? Ian: Because it's funny. AM: But it doesn't make sense. Ian: Yeah, but no one cares. AM: Your fifth song was 'All The Mall Things' by '*blink* Done, Ain't You?' as a parody of 'All The Small Things' by Blink 182. Are you a Blink 182 fan? Ian: No. AM: Liar. Everyone is a Blink 182 fan. Ian: Oh, I must be one too. I like the song about the thingummyjig. AM: Song about a thingummyjig? You only know this one Blink 182 song, don't you? Ian: Yeah, what tipped you off? AM: Keep this up and I'll fill the rest of this biography with glamour shots of Mordenkainen! On with the explanation stuff! Ian: That would be a short book. All The Mall Things was dead easy to write. I recommend short songs with strong syllables to any budding songwriter. Mallegar has become a Wolf once more, and is no longer evil enough for Daragash, apparently. He's also lost Thief guidmastership to Nyx so this song is out of date, but it's still the most fun to sing. AM: Song six was called "It's His Clan" and was a complete rip off of "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. Ian: This song was a political statement. Shadowcaster had his clan stolen from under him, and he's pretty cool, so I was on his side. This song isn't great, but it's Ok. AM: The seventh song is 'It's Reigning Men' a parody of 'It's Raining Men'. What could have demented you enough to write that? You would have had to been singing that to yourself for weeks.


Ian: So? That doesn't make it weird. My fellow Trolls told me it was quite scary to hear me sing it. I know nearly every word of the original. AM: So is this song about It or Skunk clan? Ian: Both really, Skunk clan in general more though. His reigning men make up Skunk clan, except for Duart, who I'm not so sure is a true Skunk. He doesn't seem to act like one, even though he's mysteriously become third in charge. AM: How did you think of the title? Ian: Raining sounds like reigning. With songs that most people shudder at, I give them a bit more consideration. That's why I have two Aaron Carter singles, including 'Crush On You'. AM: Yeah? What's with liking stuff like that and the Parent Trap and strange things like that? Ian: You should probably put that discussion in a new chapter.

An Ian Biography.

Clans. After a bumpy ride in the pipeline, Ian appeared one day, but nobody foresaw how Ian would shape clans, and be shaped by them. He petitioned Storm clan, as he had heard good things about it from Ianiceboy. Cyrus kindly replied that Ian should wait until level twenty six, only then would he be accepted. That was fair enough, after all, being in your teens only seems high when you're in them. Even though it was the highest level he'd ever been, he'd wait. He did wait, he got to level twenty six after at least a week of trying. He noted Cyrus, leader of Storm clan at the time, and asked to be let into the clan, with no reply. More than two weeks had passed, and at last Ian was granted access, to a Storm that had already passed. They say the calmest part of a hurricane is in the eye, maybe this was true, but as the most active member of Storm, Ian didn't want to take his chances. Ian submitted a note to Storm, indicating that while he was still was very fond of the clan, it wasn't active enough for him. He pledged that he would be back, if Storm ever took off again. He was released, by a furious (Furi?) Tenchi. Tenchi told everyone, without naming names, that Ian was unwelcome. This was a sad time for Ian, would he ever find a clan he liked again? Ian tried to petition another clan, but he was told he had already petitioned a clan. When he checked which clan he was told he petitioned, the then defunct Light clan, he tried to withdraw it. This didn't work, and many Immortals needed to be contacted to remedy the problem. After days of trying, his petition was successful, to Shadow clan. Ian had his reasons for joining. The major one was named Multani, who was already part of the clan. His joining only lessened the rivalry. Aldmyre says that somewhere at this point of time, he told Ian that he would fit into Skunk clan well, though Ian now says that he can't think of anything that would have made him stand out. Ian had some run ins with a hard hitting Bard named Elvis when he in the 30s level range. Ian died three times all up to Elvis, the last death was an arranged match in the arena. Ian was level forty-one and only one level off gaining the protective spellgroup. (Lesson: Gain protective early!) Elvis promised to leave Ian alone if they could have a fight in the arena. Ian, after being blinded, died to Elvis then, but never since. Elvis was quite happy, that kill gained him a serial killer flag. Ian also had run ins with Angelus, but these were less serious, and never fatal to either party.


At about level fifty, Ian and Multani met Munchkin, who had a knowledge of the Realm far greater than their own. They grouped many places, from Arundell to the Tower of Confusion to Mordale. Sometimes Blunth would accompany them. Meanwhile, Ian was gaining other levels, clan levels. Ian had made it to clan level twenty-four, only one clan level away from Overlord. This was, of course, without killing a single Skunk, even though Shadow was at war with them. Ian had a new quest, collect three Skunk body parts. Ian learned to sit around without guilt with this quest. He just waited at the Funeral Pyre for Skunks to die. That way, he didn't have to hurt anyone's feelings. The quest took longer than expected, but he did complete it, and he became clan level twenty-five. That made him sixth in charge. This historical guildlist shows the respective positions of the clan members. Known Clan Members of Clan Shadow. [30] Shadowcaster [29] Mallegar [28] Riddle [27] Beanith [27] Hlevyn [25] Lyssa [25] Ian <- Equal sixth. [22] Mordenkainen [21] Multani [20] Dargoth [20] Blunth [20] Munchkin [20] Asmodeus [20] Jack [17] Carlos [17] Pariah [15] Darkwarrior [15] Someguy [15] Acid [15] Scarface [15] Ninox [10] Barak [ 9] Terror [ 6] Playa [ 6] Stygian [ 5] Bruenor [ 2] Simon [ 2] Ulrik [ 1] Squall [ 1] Melchior [ 1] Mongo [ 1] Dragun

An Ian Biography.

[ 1] Fishsticks [ 1] Arathorn Something was to change Ian's status later though. Before we go into that though, here's an amusing anecdote. Shadowcaster would often call Ian into Redemption, then Shadowcaster would Shadow Tendril and then let Ian return to his business. One day Ian asked why that was. Shadowcaster replied that it was because you needed a player in the same area for Tendril to work. "No you don't." Ian told him. It took Ian his first five minutes of clan level fifteen to work out that you didn't need other players, yet here was the ruler of the entire clan, and he hadn't worked it out in the whole time he was ruling. Needless to say, Ian wasn't called again. Mordenkainen had recently challenged Multani for his clan level, making him clan level twenty-two. And now he was after Ian's. For a change, instead of challenging him, Mordenkainen blackmailed Ian. (A copy of this blackmail is obtainable, if any readers wish to see it, but the purpose of this publication is not to reproduce the past work of anybody.) He said that Ian should note the ShadowLords requesting that their clan levels be switched. It was his way or the highway. Mordenkainen had evidence that Ian had helped the Skunk named Shahg, who was around level forty at the time. Ian noted Mordenkainen. The note subject was "I prefer the word 'Extortion', the 'X' makes it sound cool." The only line read 'No.' Knowing that bullying is never to be tolerated, Ian reported this to Shadowcaster and Riddle, the two present ShadowLords. He admitted to sharpening Shahg's weapon straight away, making any evidence useless. Then Mordenkainen entered the Realm. Ian believes this act brought the downfall of the then leaders of Shadow clan. Mordenkainen argued points with Shadowcaster and Riddle, with interjections from Ian. Ian would not have been treated so harshly had Mordenkainen not revealed Ian's lack of repentance. If Ian was 'evil', he shouldn't have helped people. Ian was exiled, but he told Shadowcaster that this deed hardly qualified Mordenkainen to be raised to 25, so he went up one to 23. This bought Shadow clan some time. Ian was in exile for a whole week, which seems like a long time when it's more than twenty hours. Eventually, Ian was granted release. The Shadow clan that everybody loved was on the way down. Ian's release was not without condition though. He became an 'undercover agent' for Shadow clan. Ian would have tried to join Skunk, Shadow's enemy, but he didn't want to spy on them, so he chose Wolf, as he figured since there would be nothing to report, he wouldn't be dobbing anybody in. This was true. Weekly reports to Shadowcaster told him no more than what Shadowcaster could work out for himself anyway. Since Wolf clan were so nice, Ian's loyalties would have been challenged had there been something to report. He still feels bad for being in that situation. One day, Mordenkainen exiled Shadowcaster, Mallegar and Riddle from Shadow clan in the presence of Shazbut, Ian and Khaine. That was bound to happen sooner or later. Still in Wolf clan, Ian struck off his 'undercover' operation right there and then. Shadowcaster initially took this as an act of war against himself, but Mallegar pointed out that Ian would rather serve no one, than Mordenkainen. This was true, besides the fact it was a very convenient time to eliminate the commitment. But still, Ian would like to apologise to Wolf clan.


Nothing much was keeping Ian in Wolf clan at the time, he didn't feel very close to it, so he left. He is glad that several new players told him that they joined the clan due to him. A respectable period of time had to be observed before Ian could petition Skunk clan. Though the position was already guaranteed, he didn't want to appear to be 'selling out'. But he did join, and he made many new friends, and some people he just became better friends with, like Mez. At the time of publication, Ian is still in Skunk clan, at clan level thirteen. Conan has become a Lord and Warrior Guildmaster but Mez has challenged him for it. Duart has become the 3IC and dwindled into inactivity again. Ian has aspirations to lead his own clan one day, though this is just a reasonable stepping stone to becoming an Immortal. What is the goal in Paradox?, you might ask. For some it's to gain levels. For some it's to reclaim their place. For some it's to have fun. Ian wants to have fun too, but he sets his goal on Immortality, however far off.

An Ian Biography.

The Parent Trap. Every sane person that knows Ian, myself included, wonders how Ian can like a movie such as the Parent Trap. While we interviewed him, we asked him why. Perhaps this ancient mystery will be unravelled. Anono-Mouse: Ian, why do you like the Parent Trap? Ian: Well, it's a great story, and a pleasure to watch. AM: I haven't seen it, but I would think it's a piece of garbage. Ian: I'll give you two options then, see it and then bag it, or do neither. AM: Surely a bit of gentle kidding can't hurt. Ian: Yeah, nobody has ever really said they didn't like it before, they just laugh at the idea that a big Troll could like a kid's movie. AM: Multani, what do you think about the Parent Trap? Multani: MULTANI DESPISE WOOSY, FAIRY, PANSY, LAME, OVERRATED, POOR EXCUSE FOR TRIPE MOVIE! Ian: Wow, I didn't know you even knew that many words, Multani! Multani: I'LL KILL YOU! Ian: Can I take a raincheck on that? Multani looks around for something big and pointy. AM: What do you think is wrong with it, specifically, Multani? Multani: LITTLE UGLY KIDS RUNNING ROUND LIKE FOOLS! MAKE MULTANI HUNGRY! Ian: It goes for more than two hours, I'm surprised your attention span has even lasted this long into the conversation, Multani.


Multani locates a big stick. Multani: ME WHACK YOU GOOD! AM: I have to agree with Multani, I'm not a fan of Hayley Mills. Ian: Hayley Mills? That's the old Parent Trap, we're talking about Lindsay Lohan, the star of the 1998 version. More can be learned that talented actress at lindsaylohan dot net. I agree that the old Parent Trap movie left a lot to be desired. Multani chases a cute bunny into the distance. Ian: I told you his attention span was limited. AM: So what's the deal with Aaron Carter? Ian: I�ve bought three of his CD singles. AM: Why?! You know that Aaron Carter would just be a sad little poor boy if nobody had of invented backup singers, don�t you? Multani shouts 'THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!' Ian: I'm attracted to music that other people just shrug off and ignore, or laugh at, like It's Raining Men. That kind of stuff is just as good, but just overlooked. You hear shrieking in the distance. The Nightrift yells 'Found you!' AM: Don't even get me started on that one. So if you like weird stuff, and you like Paradox.. Ian: Oh look, I'm late for my hairdressers appointment, see you all later! Multani has arrived. Ian snaps his fingers and Bastorn whisks him away. Anono-Mouse says 'Goodbye, bothersome insect.' Multani tries to eat a small, nameless rodent. Anono-Mouse runs around in circles, screaming.

An Ian Biography.

Titles. Why does Ian change his title so much? At the risk of being unpopular, this book would like to take this opportunity to squarely blame you, the reader. Ian changes his titles to promote mirth in others. He's a pretty happy-go-lucky guy, and there's no reason why he should waste the title medium on something serious, or stagnant. As a test, Ian has once claimed to be on a title strike, telling players this through his title. Quite a few players inquired why, and were told it was to test their reactions. He has come to the conclusion that people would miss his titles if they were to go away, the same as people might miss him if he went away. Quick quiz: True or False, Ian has been jarred for changing his title too rapidly. Answer: False. While he was changing his title quickly at the time in a 'best of', the real problem was that he socialed to indicate he'd changed for each one, and that kind of thing is not on. But, contrary to popular belief, in times of great sadness, such as on September the 11th, 2001, Ian has been without title altogether for long periods of time. No title at all, not even a full stop. Most titles that Ian uses are send ups of the titles of others, such as "reclaim Mallegar's place.", "HeLpLeSs" and "The roaring 40s were a speedbump." Others are just other concepts that are slightly altered, such as "(Not Invis)", "[NOT A TRAINER]" and "(special-k)". The best titles, though, are original ones, with original colour schemes. Titles such as "is Powerfool!", "Fleein' Ian", "Little Miss Conception" and "Serial Surreal Cereal Cyril". The title of this book is a title of Ian's, "Half Wit, Half Brains." This is probably the best play on words Ian has ever used in a title. It is as if it is saying that half of Ian's personality is due to wit or spontaneity, and the other half is due to his knowledge. But it also implies that he is a halfwit, with only half a brain. Ian also takes suggestions for titles, so drop him a line, see if he'll change his title to things like "is in the back half of a horse costume." or "Look! A tree! Run away!" as he had adopted by suggestion before. The best, and trickiest titles, have been aliased by Ian, for quick access. He has filled his alias limit of fifty and now only removes old titles for fresh and innovative ones.


Friends and Foes. Here is a listing of Ian's friends and foes in alphabetical order, with a brief rundown on them and maybe even what Ian thinks of them. Acid. Acid's hobby seems to be to hit Ian over the head with a rolled up newspaper every time he speaks. This becomes amusing after a while. He is associated with Riddle. Aldmyre. This Wizard of Caladrean is currently the second in charge of Skunk clan. He likes to drink, like every Skunk does, and he also enjoys the occasional pie fight. He is good friends with the Warrior guildmaster, Conan. Angelus. Angelus is a Skunk of days gone by. He seemed reserved and timid at the time, but Ian didn't really know him very well. Ashe. Ex-Warrior guildmaster Ashe is a tough giant and a killer. His thousands of hit points laugh at the cityguards of Redemption. He talks loud, with grammar that ideal isn't. He says to bring spares when he sharpens your puny weapons, because they might snap due to his massive strength. Asmodeus. Asmodeus was an infrequent visitor to the old Shadow clan. He fought the Ghetto Fighters when he did visit, an invaluable source of experience. Beanith. There is no spoon-nyo. This less than active Cleric guildmaster was continually crying for Ian's exile when he was in Shadow clan. He is very surreal-nyo. Blunth. Blunth is a tough Cleric that Ian used to group with. He speaks with a peculiar accent. When Ian claimed to be popular, Blunth said that Ian was well known, not quite popular. Bulldog. Pack Leader Bulldog is the heart and soul of Wolf clan. He oversees the juniors in Wolf clan and is too powerful to seek much more advancement.

An Ian Biography.

Celine. Celine was a friendly Skunk clan Fairy who sometimes graced the Realm with her appearance. She was the first player Ian ever met, which is quite a claim to fame. As a rare talent, Celine seemed to always be happy. Ian envies this, as he is happy only almost all of the time. Charity Charity is probably is one of the nicer players in the Realm. Nicer, even, than more than half the people on this list Codrin. "Codrin hunts with the pack (howl)". Codrin is a friendly Wolf that has a great description, go see it some time. Perhaps his only fault is that he asks for help a little too much. Cyrus. He is a friendly exLeader of Storm clan. He admitted Ianiceboy into the clan, and later Ian. Though admittance into Storm clan was the toughest of all, it was like writing a cover letter for a job application. Dantrag. This Dwarf has a bit of a drinking problem. His stench is also almost unbearable. Being in his presence intoxicates you almost. Jim he groups with, fight yoyo silly string. Pink elephant billiards say tootles. Yes, drunk you get from smell beer. Darkwarrior. This dark, dark, dark, dark trainee inspires fear into the heart of all the snails in the arena, and some of the bunny rabbits too! Darkwarrior is one of those people who start out serious, with a tough name to boot, but end up just like everyone else. His titles are fun to parody, and he seems to enjoy it when that attention is paid to him. Darkwarrior would be better off named something scary like GutRipper or Liverate or SoupLadle. Derrik. Derrik is a Thief, and once won a thousand experience for praising Paradox to an outside source. Duart. Duart is the third of Skunk clan, earned when he outdrank It. Ian challenged Duart to a drinking competition too, but Duart declined. Ian's not exactly sure why Duart was given the opportunity and Mez and Conan weren�t, not that he's complaining. Elvis. Hard hitting, and Bard drinking. Elvis is a member of the Skunk council, at clan level twenty. Just one swivel of the hips can send all his fans into a frenzy of cheering and squealing. Hlevyn. Hlevyn is the Bard guildmaster. He awarded the position of honourary Bard to Ian after Ian released Larger Than Light. Hlevyn is friendly. Ian. Total legend. Somebody should write a book about him one day. Ianiceboy. This is the name Ian went by before he became Ian. Don't let the name fool you, Ianiceboy is a vile and vindictive boy.


It. ShKUNK POWER! It is the leader of Skunk clan, the most Skunkiest clan in Paradox. It likes to wiggle his bottom and start pie fights, when he gets the time. Jack. "Spell Cleavers are go!" Jack is sharpener for only the best and makes his appearances in the Realm brief. Jim. Jim is a close friend of Dantrag's. He would be attached at the hip, but doctors don't reverse Siamese twin operations any more. Jim likes his Black Ale shaken, not stirred. Kamui. Kamui is the ex2IC of the now defunct Surreal clan. He even grouped with Ian at around level fifty. He once retrieved a Ring of Feathers for Ian, helping him complete a quest. Be warned, only complete quests yourself, don't have others do them. Particularly when the one you ask is in close contact with the one who set the quest. Khaine. Khaine the Fragmentation Hog is a bit of a complainer. The two major problems with Paradox, as he sees them, are how unbalanced the classes are (never in his favour), and that higher level players can sometimes just collect dust. He also has some interesting conspiracy theories you should get him to tell you when he gets back from the army. Kladorus. This Wolf is relatively new to the Realm, but was picking up skills quickly. He was able to hold an interesting conversation from the word go, unlike your typical newbie. Klael. Klael is preIan. One day, all of the sudden, Klael appeared above him on the who list and stayed there. Not a whole lot is known about him. Lyssa. Lyssa the White Troll (who went Black) is one of the first clan presences that Ian ever met. At the time she was part of Light clan, who were friendly. Ian even tried to petition Light clan at one stage, but they were nonexistent by then. Mallegar. The Mud would collapse without him. One thing that hasn't been mentioned much in this book is multiplay. Mallegar has a few multis, and each of them seem to be as friendly as he is. After he was exiled from Shadow clan, he vowed to join Wolf clan, becoming a less evil Scro. Merlyn. Merlyn is a friendly member of Wolf clan. While he might not be very high levels wise, he is pleasant enough, and doesn't appear to have shown malice towards anybody. Merlyn was part of Wolf during the brief period Ian was. Mez. Miaka.

An Ian Biography.

Miaka may be a little mixed up but she seems to be able to make everyone fight over her. Though it�s better not to speculate what the reason for that is, she really is a lovely girl. Monthael. This axe wielding maniac of a law keeper brings swift doom to his foes. Though he has never tried to harm Ian, as he is a law abiding citizen, Multani had a few negative experiences with him. Mordenkainen. There's not much to like in someone who is all bad. Luckily, Mordenkainen is not all bad. He can sometimes be seen frolicking through Elfwood with the squirrels and Elven youths. Mork. Mork is one of the four fine Immortals of Paradox. Ian has worked on a couple of projects with him, and is always trying to think of ideas for him. Mork has a great sense of humour. Multani. Long time friend and long time pseudo-foe. Multani is often around when Ian is. While it was not planned, they have a lot in common. They are both Trolls, both Heroes, both Warriors, sometimes the same level, and sometimes in the same clan. While Multani is an original, Ian is just an Ianiceboy spinoff. These two have certainly brought the Troll race back into focus. Munchkin. Munchkin is was a nice giant but she's turned to the dark side, deciding to attack Ian just because he's not in Shadow clan any longer. Ian owes a lot to the motivation of Munchkin. MysticalMage. MysticalMage is just way too mystical to write about. Seriously. Nitestalker. Nitestalker is the toughest character on Paradox, enabling him to acquire the position of Mage guildmaster. Nitestalker isn't very liked by Khaine, but he doesn't seem to care. Nyx. Nyx is the highest Lord on Paradox at the time of writing. He is level one hundred and ninety-eight last time Ian heard. He had retired, but he came back to make Mallegar's life hard, taking Thief guildmastership from him. Pigeon. Pigeon is a very high level character too. He once renamed one of Ian's weapons to "Ian's Elite Classic Vorpaller" unexpectedly. While Ian doesn't know Pigeon very well, he thinks he's fairly pleasant. Prince. "ME TROLL, ME ROCK HARD!" Prince is the Trollish second in charge of Wolf clan. He is also friendly. Rannik. Rannik helped Ian immensely when he joined Storm clan, making him a vorpal weapon, directing him to where he should fight and showing how to use the help files. He also taught Ian how to write notes, so while Ian is indebted to him, he is also partially to blame.


Raven. While Klael may be preIan, Raven is not. Ian remembers Raven's frequent notes and thinks that Raven's poem, as published in the old Paradox magazine was quite good. Riddle. Riddle is an ex-member of the so called 'Shadowcaster fan club'. While he initially suffered from Mordenkainen's takeover of Shadow clan, he ended up siding with Mordenkainen. While Ian attempts to remain politically neutral, he can't help having a suspicion that Riddle is up to no good. Like the time when Riddle took Ian away from Pyre and attacked him, Ian easily fled, that's what he does best. Shadowcaster. Shadowcaster was perhaps Ian's favourite companion in Paradox. If there really was a 'Shadowcaster fan club', Ian would have membership. While Shadowcaster is not liked by all, he's liked by those who count. Shahg. Shahg is a little trickster that helped Mordenkainen rid himself of his powerfool foe, Ian. Shahg doesn't really have any bad personal traits, but because this bio is biased, we'll say that he has poor personal hygiene. Shahg once did a neat magic trick involving gaining more than twenty levels all of the sudden, and then not getting any for months. Shandrith. Uncle Shandrith is a member of Storm and he sometimes pops in to check on his favourite nephew, Ian. He is a nice guy. Sharl. Sharl is a guest Immortal, and is not a cardboard cut out. He can be seen hanging out with the zombie Raoul, unless you go and check, as he hides when he has visitors. Shazbut. Shazbut is one of the four Immortals on Paradox, and is sometimes known as the Paladin of Ineptitude. Ian's opinion is that anybody that can make fun of themselves has a pretty good sense of humour. He is a pretty cool guy all up. Shazbut is the founder and editor of the Paradoxian - A journal of comment and fun. Snarf. While Ian has never had any direct contact with Snarf, Immortal of Immortals, he is very confident that Snarf would have quite a good sense of humour himself to enlist the services of Mork, Shazbut and Souma. It's the humour that makes the Paradox play environment different and fun. Someguy. Ian only met Someguy once, and gave him a large sum of money for no reason. That sounds odd, looking back. Souma. Souma is the help file administrator. He also hosts the Paradoxian and the official Paradox site. While Ian has contacted Souma, and Souma has responded by uploading ParadoxIan articles (in Ian's time as guest editor), Souma rarely directly speaks to him. Taglion.

An Ian Biography.

Taglion made it to the final three of Shazbut's Heroic Heroes competition with Aldmyre and Mallegar. Loyalties went under heavy consideration here, as all three had had an impact on Ian's progress. Taglion offered Ian the free renaming of equipment and weapons without any prompting at all. This lead to some bizarre item names, none of which exist any more, including "the Parent Trap DVD", "the aura of Ian" and "the Immortal Ian ring" which were a golden shield, a bloodied unicorn skin and the One ring, respectively. Taliesin. Taliesin is a friendly Skunk and is just like Ian was not too many levels ago, but Taliesin isn't around quite so much anymore. Tenchi. Tenchi made Ian feel unwelcome in Storm clan, but Ian has forgiven him now, and he'd tell him that if he ever came to visit. Terror. Terror is the composer of a parody to the Men In Black theme, as discussed in chapter Six. He wasn't very strong as was killed by players about ten levels his junior. Tolgar. Tolgar is one of the young generation of Wolves and he had already made enough of a name for himself to be mentioned in the Paradoxian's article, 'A Bunch of Hours in the Life of Borri the Innkeeper'. Wyldsage. Wyldsage is one of the jovial members of Skunk clan. Ian hasn't had a whole lot to do with her, but she seems nice.


The Pen is Mightier than the Horde.

Surreal Cereal is a little comic Ian started a short time ago. While it�s not prize winning material, unless there was �best comic by Ian� award, it showcases a whole lot of things that Ian thinks is funny, but isn�t smart enough to work into everyday conversation. Ian writes a lot for Paradox. His days and nights are often filled with something related to the Realm he loves so much. Even with this book, he has put a lot of precious time into sitting down and being interviewed. So does this mean that this chapter is self promotion? Besides the fact that that would seem to be the whole purpose of this book, no. Ian feels that more need to be writing too, maybe not massive books, perhaps, but Paradoxian articles, little notes, and websites don�t write themselves. If you�re a player, probably a Mortal one, who has never ever written anything Paradox related (complaining doesn�t count) then give it a go, you might find it easier than you expect. If you�re a Hero or Lord and you don�t have your own website, and yet you�re active, then what are you waiting for? This is the closest you�ll ever get to an invitation from the Queen. Still, Mud burnout is a real and dangerous thing, but, if that happens, don�t retire, don�t delete, just wait for it to wear off and get right back in there. Remember, the fun you have is worth a lot more than gaining levels. The moral of this rather flat chapter? �Have fun.� Cliched, isn�t it?

An Ian Biography.

Ian answers your questions.

Ian has kindly left a chapter open to answer questions. By doing this he expects to be the subject of personal attacks and queries in to his sanity. Shadowcaster asks: "I heard that Ian is going to be coming out with a line of clothing. Any truth to it?" Ian answers: "Yes, of course it is. My motto is "If it's a rumour, it's true." The first item in the range is 'the aura of Ian' which gives five intelligence and wisdom with the tiny side effects of taking ten strength, dexterity and constitution plus cursing you and being without a remove feature. That's only a small price to pay to wear 'Ian' brand. The second piece of clothing, known as 'the Hiding Cape of Cunningness', is a level eighty piece of equipment. While it may give you invisibility and sneak, it makes you say "Hey! I'm over here!" every tick. The next fashion statement is 'the Parent Trap DVD Buckler' which protects you well from the attacks of Meredith, but only her, and only if she's trying to marry your divorced father for his money. Money he made on his vineyard, named Parker Knoll, while raising you but not your identical twin sister. You'd be surprised how many orders we get for this item! The last popular item is 'the dressing gown of Doom' which inspires terror into everyone's heart. The slight side effect is that when you wear it you fall to the ground and giggle until you run out of oxygen. All these items can be bought for an amount of gold equal to Pi, if it didn't have a decimal place." The Elder Cleric asks: "A zombie wants to feast on the brain in your corpse. Can he? I told him that he only could with your permission." Ian answers: "Tell him that it's not a meal for one, he should get some of his friends and have a massive banquet." Duart asks: "Why do you spend so much time changing your titles!!" Editor's note: "Duart has requested that no question mark be added to his question."


Ian answers: "I guess it's to provide mirth to others, and partly because I have nothing better to do. This isn't Paradox's fault, but my own. It's hard work gaining levels and I'd rather sit around socialising than working. Another thing is that I am often thinking of titles when I'm not in the Realm, so I add them when I am." Multani asks: "Don't you realise that the only reason you get attention from the Immortals is because you are an absolute pain in the butt? Why do you have such an ego problem, do you think you're a superstar?" Editor's note: "The following reply is to be taken with a grain of salt so big that it could turn the Azure sea white." Ian answers: "No, I don't realise that I only get attention from the Immortals because I'm an absolute pain in the butt, but give me time because I might come to my senses, then again maybe not. I do have an ego problem, I am so skilled that my ego struggles to keep up. Lack of ego is my biggest downfall, I have trouble accepting how good I really am. In fact, I only paid Anono-Mouse to write this biography so I could let the world know how great I am. And no, I'm not a superstar, as I feel that word is overused. Maybe 'megastar' or 'superdupermegastar'. 'Ian' to my friends, 'Mr Ian' to you." Ianiceboy asks: "Why have you deserted me? I never see you any more. You don't return my tells. Do you hate me?" Ian answers: "'I-a-nice-boy', that's a silly name. I don't hate you, but you're hardly active. You belong to a clan that doesn't operate, you haven't made it to level forty in the whole time I've known you and I have more that eight times the hours you do. But besides that, you're just super!" Dantrag asks: "whaT doEsH OnE Do whEN Thhe blood ish EnfushSED wItH alcOhoL aN-N-N-NNnD yOu-u-uu can't FiiNd youR Way hOme THRougH RedEmPTIoNN??" Ian answers: "Well, if your blood is infused with alcohol and you don't want it to be, you have to cut yourself open and let it all out. (Don't try that at home, kids.) Your other option is to lie in an effluent pond and wait for the refreshing waters to revive you and bring you to your senses. Riddle asks: "What's your favorite donut and from where?" Ian answers: "I would have to say the jam filled donut. But I don't buy them from the bakery, I have another source. If you ask Borri the Innkeeper really nicely, he'll go cook up a couple for you. It may cost a ridiculous amount of money, but remember, you're supporting the 'Skunk as a Drunk' fund. Nyx asks: "Why do you spend so much time wanting people to ask you questions?" Ian answers: "Because, as you can see, not many people have asked me questions. I think the idea of having a question answered in print is a great idea, and more people should have taken the opportunity up, and asked me strange questions like Shadowcaster has."

An Ian Biography.

Mez cheats and asks two questions: a) If you could be any fictional fantasy character, which would it be? b) If you could be any Parent Trap Character, which would you be? What part of the story would you change with your power? Ian answers: �Two questions? I�m going to have to charge you double nothing now! a) Fictional fantasy character? Well, I wouldn�t choose Spiderman or Luke Skywalker or anyone like that, they have way too many responsibilities, and emotional problems. Maybe I�ll take the easy option and say that I�d be �Ian�. b) If I could be a character I�d be �Martin�. What would I change? Nothing, the movie is perfect! Don�t believe me? Go see it for yourself and then tell me you don�t think so. Tolgar asks: �Who would be your favorite character/mob on the mud and why? IC and OOC.� Ian answers: �This two question thing is spreading, but perhaps this is even four to eight questions. Favourite character, in character: Mez. Sorry to the runners up. Favourite character, out of character: Tough one! Maybe Shazbut. Super sorry to the runners up. Favourite mobile, in character: Borri, provider of the Bent Spear Inn. Favourite mobile, out of character: I quote �The elder cleric shouldn't be trusted with money.� How do I explain these? Mez is Ian�s Skunk buddy and was in very narrow contention for the OOC prize, and things fluctuate, so it�s not impossible that this will change, but Shazbut is one who has initiated Ian�s mirth. Borri provides a home away from home and the elder cleric is quite friendly, I�ve spoken to him before at length. Weird, I know.� Shadowcaster asks a second question: "If Ian had to fight a clone of himself, would elephants learn to yodel? (in other words, what must it be like to bear the torch of madness gladly? :)" Ian answers: "This seems like two questions, so I'll answer them independently. Firstly, if I had had to fight Mez (who seems to be a clone of myself) or another clone, elephants would not have to learn to yodel. This is mainly because I�ve already taught elephants how to yodel, at least the ones in my backpack. As for the second question, the torch of madness is really annoying, it drips hot wax all over your arm all the time, it's constantly going out and it's pretty heavy too! I've only shown the torch bear once, when we were both streaking through the arena, but the rest of the time, the torch has told me it likes to keep its clothes on. Oh, wait, Anono-Mouse is prodding me. You mean a figurative torch?! Oh, that's different.. There are a few torch bearers in Paradox. I consider myself and Shazbut and Mez to be the foremost ones. That doesn't, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that I'm claiming we have the best senses of humour. What it does mean though, is that we display them the most. In fact, maybe Mez and I display mine more than Shazbut does, after all, it can be assumed he's cloaking most of the time he's around. I have a question to illustrate. Who has ever undertaken (under a pseudonym or not) a project as large as this book? Sure, Shazbut had a bunch of hours in the life of Borri, and Mordenkainen had a lengthy interview, but nothing on this scale! I hope that this book will inspire others. I could imagine similar books from Shazbut, Mez and yourself, Shadowcaster. Neutral ones from people like Aldmyre and Bulldog, and a very in-character book from Mallegar. Though bear in mind, most


people don't spend their spare time like I do." (If you've ever wondered what Ian is like during the very rare times he's out of character, you just heard it here in 'Half Wit, Half Brains'!)

An Ian Biography.

Close. This is the end, Ian and I hope that you�ve liked the book, and I�m sure Ian hopes to hear your feedback about it. Yours truly, Ian. December 28, 2001.

by anono-mouse © hayden pratt 2001home.alphalink.com.au/~gpratt/halfwit.pdf · advice. every...

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