By Brian D. TaylorMusic by Bill Francoeur Lyrics by Scott DeTurk

Additional lyrics by Bill Francoeur

© Copyright 2013, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwright, composer and lyricist3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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PRINCESS WHATSERNAME

By BRIAN D. TAYLORMusic by BILL FRANCOEURLyrics by SCOTT DETURK

Additional lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

GRETEL ....................................loyal and helpful girl who’s 36 determined to prove herself

HANSEL ....................................over-confident guy who lands 34 himself and his sister in trouble

PRINCESS ................................girl who has lost her memory 135 and can’t even recall her own name

RUMPELSTILTSKIN ....................weird and proud little man; has 41 a split personality and talks to himself

FOREST WITCH..........................grumpy imprisoner of children 26PRINCE REVEILLE ......................heroic, future king; from Far Far 84

AwayGOLDILOCKS ............................tough girl with very specific 61

tastes, making it on her own in the Misty Forest

SNOW WHITE ............................princess from the West, but 53 insists it’s more Southwest in her Western drawl

QUEEN OF THE WEST ................AKA the Wicked Witch of the 14 West; Snow White’s vain stepmother

GIDDY ......................................super happy dwarf 19NOSY .......................................curious dwarf 10ROWDY .....................................extremely extreme dwarf 18WHINY ......................................dwarf who just can’t handle it 19HIPPIE ......................................dwarf who is totally in sync with 27

life and cool under pressureGUILTY .....................................self-blaming dwarf 11FLIGHTY ...................................dwarf who’s a bit distracted and 9

very interested in shiny things

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BEAR ........................................regular-sized bear 8BIG BEAR..................................biggest of the three bears 8TINY BEAR ................................smallest, but scariest of the 8

three bearsFAIRY GODMOTHER ...................wise fairy of the forest 26CINDERELLA .............................teen who wants to party all 32

night longRAPUNZEL ................................her tall tower makes it difficult 45

for her to hear those down below

PRINCE HERCULES ....................Snow White’s strong prince 12QUEEN OF THE NORTH ..............daughter of a deceitful miller 48HERALD ....................................servant of the Northern 23

KingdomSTEWARD .................................another 14NURSE .....................................another 11QUEEN OF THE SOUTH ..............worried mother 13KING OF THE SOUTH .................worried father 18GOOD FAIRY 1 ...........................bestows the gift of beauty 5GOOD FAIRY 2 ...........................bestows the gift of grace 5GOOD FAIRY 3 ...........................bestows the gift of safety 5EVIL FAIRY ................................bestows a curse 2PRINCE ADONIS ........................Rapunzel’s handsome prince 10PRINCE SWAVAY ........................Cinderella’s charming prince; 7

from the Eastern KingdomOPTIONAL CHORUS ...................as extra villagers, royal servants

or other fairy tale characters as desired

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iv

SETTINGTime: Happily ever after, over the course of one very long day.Place: The Misty Forest and the Outer Kingdoms.

SCENE SYNOPSISACT ONE

Scene One: The Misty Forest, early morning.Scene Two: The Misty Forest, later that morning.Scene Three: The Misty Forest, moments later.Scene Four: The Dining Room of the Seven Dwarves and the Three

Bears, early afternoon.Scene Five: The Misty Forest, still early afternoon, played in front of

the curtain.Scene Six: The Bears’ bedroom, mid-afternoon.Scene Seven: Central Tower in the Misty Forest, moments later.

ACT TWOScene One: The Bears’ bedroom, still mid-afternoon.Scene Two: The Northern Castle, early evening.Scene Three: Central Tower in the Misty Forest, early evening.Scene Four: Southern Castle, the next morning.

SET DESCRIPTIONThe primary setting is the Misty Forest, a dark, mysterious and dangerous place. Tall trees reach into the sky. Large rocks are scattered about and small shrubs grow here and there. Additional foliage could hang from above forming the canopy of the trees. All of this can be done with individual cutouts or one large backdrop.

Additional settings may be done minimally. A long table with benches and settings for ten is all that is necessary for the dining room of the dwarves and bears. Later scenes represent the bears’ bedroom, which only requires three small beds. A backdrop forming the walls of their rustic forest home is optional.

Rapunzel’s Tower, or Central Tower, can be as simple as a tall window flat or cutout with a ladder behind and should be arranged at the edge of the stage.

The two castles may be done with a separate backdrop or wagon rolled in for each, or the same can be used for both. The Northern Castle requires only a spinning wheel and a stool. The Southern Castle needs two beds.

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERSMC 1 Princess Whatsername–Prologue .........Fairy Godmother,

EnsembleMC 2 Where Do I Go from Here? ..................PrincessMC 3 Rumpelstiltskin ..................................RumpelstiltskinSFX RumblingMC 4 Love at First Bite ................................Hansel, GretelMC 4a Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalMC 4b Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalMC 5 Cut from the Same Cloth ....................Snow White,

GoldilocksMC 5a Rumpelstiltskin–Reprise .....................RumpelstiltskinMC 5b Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalSFX RumblingMC 6 Where’d Ya Get That Bling? .................Dwarves, PrincessMC 6a Chase Music ......................................InstrumentalMC 7 What Lies Ahead ................................Fairy Godmother,

Cinderella, Goldilocks, Princess

MC 7a What Lies Ahead–Reprise ...................EnsembleMC 7b Entr’Acte– Where’d Ya Get That Bling? .................DwarvesMC 8 She’s So Pretty ..................................Dwarves, BearsMC 8a Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalMC 8b Prince Hercules–Fanfare .....................InstrumentalMC 8c Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalSFX Baby CriesSFX Loud Baby CriesSFX Louder Baby CriesSFX Ridiculously Loud Baby CriesMC 9 Flashing Back Again ...........................Princess, Fairy

Godmother, Hansel, Gretel, Cinderella, Rumpelstiltskin, Snow White, Goldilocks,

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Rapunzel, Queen and King of the South, Good Fairies, Evil Fairy

SFX Magic EffectMC 9a Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalMC 9b Prince Adonis–Fanfare ........................InstrumentalMC 9c Prince Swavay–Fanfare ........................InstrumentalMC 10 Whose Prince Are You Anyway? ............Princes, Cinderella,

Rapunzel, Snow White

MC 10a Prince Reveille–Fanfare .......................InstrumentalMC 10b Princess Whatsername–Epilogue .........EnsembleMC 10c Curtain Call–She’s So Pretty ................Instrumental

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PRINCESS WHATSERNAME

PROLOGUELIGHTS UP. MUSIC CUE 1: “Princess Whatsername–Prologue.” ENSEMBLE GIRLS ENTER LEFT. ENSEMBLE GUYS ENTER RIGHT. They stand in separate groups. FAIRY GODMOTHER moves DOWN CENTER.FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Sings.) In a faraway place, in a faraway wood,

Lies a fairytale world filled with evil and good.There are trances and spells where all magic dwells,And everything was turning out the way that it should.

GIRLS: (Sing.) Until a certain someone with no nameCame strolling in out of the blue.

GUYS: (Sing.) We’d fix the story if we could,But no one knows just what to do.

ALL: (Sing.) This homeless, sad and lonely girlJust up ‘n’ dropped into the neighborhood! (GROUPS come together and begin discussing the situation. Crowd noise, gossiping, concern, etc.)

Who’s that girl, wand’rin’ about,Shakin’ people up everywhere she goes?Full of questions, puzzled with doubt,Somewhere, surely, someone knows.Who’s that girl, travelin’ along,Tryin’ not to leave no stone unturned?With a burnin’ curiosity that’s deep and strong,She does her best to build on ev’ry lesson learned. (The following two stanzas are sung as a duet.)

ENSEMBLE ONE: (Sings, claps.) Nobody knows where she’s goin’.Nobody knows from whence she came.Now, it’s a fact her legend’s growin’.Dressed like a beggar in a royal frame.Totally clueless to her new-found fame.No better moniker that she can claim, but…

ENSEMBLE TWO: (Sings, claps.) Nobody! Nobody!Nobody has the answer.Nobody, nobodyKnows her game.Who’s to blame?

ALL: (Sing.) Princess, Princess, Princess Whatsername!Princess Whatsername!Who’s that girl, tellin’ her tale,Fillin’ in the blanks the best she can?

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Guessin’ at what normal is to no avail.Guessin’ where her trail began.Who’s that girl, nosin’ around,Hopin’ her identity is soon revealed?She’s been wond’rin’ if the answer ever will be found,Or forever and forever, ever stay concealed. (The following two stanzas are sung as a duet.)

ENSEMBLE ONE: (Sings, claps.) Nobody knows where she’s goin’.Nobody knows from whence she came.Now, it’s a fact her legend’s growin’.Dressed like a beggar in a royal frame.Totally clueless to her new-found fame.No better moniker that she can claim, but…

ENSEMBLE TWO: (Sings,claps.) Nobody! Nobody!Nobody has the answer.Nobody, nobodyKnows her game.Who’s to blame?

ALL: (Sing.) Princess, Princess, Princess Whatsername!Princess Whatsername!Tell me, tell me, what’s her game?Tell me, tell me, who’s to blameFor Princess Whatsername?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks in rhythm with a proper British accent.) Forsooth one needest a veritable sleuthTo ferret out the truth of Princess...

ALL: (Sing.) Whatsername! (MUSIC OUT. LIGHTS OUT.)

ACT ONEScene One

LIGHTS UP: The Misty Forest. PRINCESS sleeps on the ground DOWN LEFT. She wears a ragged dress and clings to a small quilt square. (NOTE: PRINCESS always carries this quilt square with her and is never without it.) HANSEL and GRETEL ENTER RIGHT. HANSEL is walking backwards, dropping bread crumbs on the ground. They slowly cross LEFT as they talk.GRETEL: Hansel, let me do some.HANSEL: No, Gretel, you watch for Father. I’m the man, so I make the

trail.GRETEL: The man. Whatever. I can do it just as well as you can.HANSEL: No, you can’t! You have to drop them in places where no one

can find them.

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GRETEL: Then, how are we supposed to find them, genius?HANSEL: You’ll see.GRETEL: No, I won’t see. We won’t see them.HANSEL: You’d leave them out in the open, and the birds would find

them and eat them up.GRETEL: The birds wouldn’t bother with this bread, Hansel. It’s the

bread Stepmother gave us, and it’s hard as a rock. At least, if I spread the crumbs, we would be able to see them and find our way home.

HANSEL: Nuh-uh! ’Cause they’d be gone!GRETEL: Ya-huh! ’Cause they wouldn’t be hidden from sight!HANSEL: Nuh-uh!GRETEL: Ya-huh!HANSEL: Nuh-uh!PRINCESS: (Awakens in a fright. Screams.) Ah! (Quickly gets to her

feet.) Who are you? Where did you come from?GRETEL: (Steps toward PRINCESS.) Sorry.PRINCESS: No, no, no! Please don’t come any closer. Stay back.GRETEL: Okay. (Takes a giant step back. Beat. PRINCESS appears

very distraught.) We didn’t mean to scare you. We’re just on our way through the forest with our father. (PRINCESS looks around, worried.) Don’t worry. He’s up ahead. I’m Gretel and this is my brother.

HANSEL: I’m Hansel, the smart one. (GRETEL makes a face at him.) What are you doing out here in the forest all alone?

PRINCESS: I was just… resting. I don’t know these woods.HANSEL: Everyone knows these woods! This is the Misty Forest.PRINCESS: I don’t recognize… I guess I’m lost. I just…GRETEL: You’re lost? Oh, my. Have you travelled long?PRINCESS: No. Just one night.GRETEL: Oh, well, you can’t be that far from home.PRINCESS: Perhaps. I… don’t really know where home is.HANSEL: (Laughs.) You don’t know where your home is? You must be

really lost!GRETEL: Hansel, that isn’t nice. (To PRINCESS.) What’s your name?

(PRINCESS does not respond.) Are you a fairy?PRINCESS: I don’t know.HANSEL: No. She’s no fairy. There are no fairies in these woods.

That’s just an old wives’ tale.GRETEL: Are you a witch?

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HANSEL: Nah! No witches here in these woods, either.GRETEL: Are you a queen?PRINCESS: I’m sorry. I really don’t know.HANSEL: She’s not a queen!GRETEL: How do you know that?HANSEL: One, she’s wearing rags. No one in the royal family would

wear rags anywhere, not even the forest. Especially not a queen! And two, she’s lost in the middle of the Misty Forest. Everyone knows the queens live in the castles of the Outer Kingdoms. Duh!

GRETEL: (To PRINCESS.) But you do have a name, don’t you?PRINCESS: (Extremely confused and upset.) I can’t… I can’t remember.HANSEL: (Laughs.) She doesn’t know her name or where she’s from!

Did you fall and hit your head or something?GRETEL: Hansel! (Sees that PRINCESS is upset.) He’s very sorry. Aren’t

you, Hansel? (HANSEL ignores her, kicking rocks. To PRINCESS.) Well, he is. (To HANSEL.) Someone should lock you up for a while to teach you a lesson about being rude.

HANSEL: Whatever. (Triumphant.) No one can put me in a cage. I’m too fast and too clever! (Runs around and takes unintentionally comical fighting stances.)

GRETEL: Ignore him— (HANSEL does a karate chop.) —if you can. I’m sorry about your problem. You really don’t have a name, or you just don’t remember it?

PRINCESS: I’m sure I have a name, but I just can’t remember. My name… my home… the past… It’s all so fuzzy.

GRETEL: Hmmm. I suppose if you’re lost, you could always look for clues to find your way home. Maybe you’ve left something along the way and can retrace your steps. That’s what we’re doing. We’re dropping bread crumbs so we can find our way home.

PRINCESS: You have bread?GRETEL: Only a little. And it’s as stale as stones.HANSEL: Don’t tell her we have food! She’ll want some.PRINCESS: May I?HANSEL: See. Told you so!GRETEL: And she can have some. Give her some.HANSEL: No!PRINCESS: Oh, please. I’m so hungry. I feel like I haven’t eaten in

ages.HANSEL: You look like you haven’t eaten in ages!GRETEL: Hansel! You give her some bread this very minute!

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HANSEL: Okay, okay. Geez! Here. It’s all yours. (Hands her the small piece of bread.)

PRINCESS: Thank you so much. (Eats the bread ravenously. HANSEL rubs his arm and pouts.)

FATHER’S VOICE: (Calls from OFF LEFT.) Hansel! Gretel! Come along! We’re almost to the clearing! (PRINCESS is startled to hear his voice.)

HANSEL: (Calls to OFF LEFT.) Coming, Father! (To GRETEL.) Come on. Father’s waiting. (Runs OFF LEFT.)

GRETEL: I’m sorry you’re lost. I wish I could help you—I really do—but I have to go. Try looking for some clues. Something will come to you. (EXITS LEFT. MUSIC CUE 2: “Where Do I Go from Here?” [NOTE: A shorter version of this song is provided in the score and on the CD. If using the shorter version, skip the lyrics that are enclosed by asterisks.])

PRINCESS: (Watches her go, then looks around at the forest, confused and scared. She crosses to the place where she was sleeping and picks up the quilt square and examines it closely. The design on the quilt is a ring with a star along the edge. Speaks.) Oh, my. Where do I even begin to go? (Looks around, then crosses RIGHT, where she finds one of HANSEL’S bread crumbs, picks it up and eats it. She moves RIGHT and finds another crumb and eats it. Sings.)Will I ever know the girlLost inside of me?Will it change the way I’m feeling?Who am I supposed to be?Are the clues beneath my feetOr just around the bend?Is my journey in this momentOr on a path that has no end?Where do I go from here?Is it left or right? Is it east or west?Yes, where do I go from here?Is it forward or back? Which way is the best?Am I lost in a dream on some magical quest?Please let the answer be clear.Where do I go from here?Will I ever know my name?Will the sound be sweet?Will I know it when I hear it?Will it make me feel complete?I stare into a mirror glass,But who returns my gaze?

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Will she stay a perfect strangerUntil I reach my final days?*Where do I go from here?Is it up or down or toward the sun?Oh, where do I go from here?Should I follow a star?How will I know which one?I’m so lost. I’m so tired. I’ve barely begun.Please, let the answer appear.Where do I go from here?Everyone has to be from somewhere.Everyone has to have a place where they start.Everyone has to have a father, a mother.Are they searching for me with a broken heart?*Where do I go from here?Should I flip a coin? Meany, miney, moe?Oh, where do I go from here?Follow crumbs on the ground, leading me to and fro?Toss a leaf in the stream, should I float with the flow?Please let the answer appear.Where do I go from here?Give me hope, give me wisdom, I must persevere.Give me strength and the courage to conquer my fear.May the answer I’m seeking be joyful and near.Where do I go from here? (MUSIC OUT. She EXITS RIGHT, looking for more bread crumbs. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

LIGHTS UP: Another part of the Misty Forest. MUSIC CUE 3: “Rumpelstiltskin.” RUMPELSTILTSKIN dances by a small campfire. A small stack of firewood is off to the side.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Raps.) Tra-digee-dee and a li-li-do.

Pimpersnap, lolidrops, ying-yang-yo.Lillywumpus, tigersplash, ho-hum-ho.We makes trouble everywhere we go!There’s magic in our special name.No one’s ever had the same.A little freakish. So uniquish.A handle only we can claim.Rumpel, Rumpel, rhymes with crumple.Meant to confuse, meant to stump’ll.

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Keep you guessin’, from possessin’Knowledge of our name and claim to fame.Foo-la-loo and a fum-a-tum-too.Gungafinga, loop-de-la, sim-sam-soo.Hammerknee, treebows, fie-fum-foo.We’re just as confused as you!Rumpel, Rumpel, add the stilt,Another sound, it rhymes with kilt.Rumpelstilt is almost it, a little bit to make it lilt.We add the skin t’ add a little spin,Another sound to color in.Our selection for protectionRumpelstiltskin’s what we built.Tra-digee-dee and a li-li-do.Pimpersnap, lolidrops, ying-yang-yo.Lillywumpus, tigersplash, ho-hum-ho.We’re an enigma wherever we go!Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin,Flicks his nose. (Does so. SOUND EFFECT: Squeaks.)Taps his toes. (Does so. SOUND EFFECT: Taps.)Rumpelstiltskin, no one knows.Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin,Leaves no clue, gets his due.Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin,Rumpelstiltskin fooled you, too! (MUSIC OUT. Laughs a strange laugh.) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! That was very good, sir. Very, very good, sir. (PRINCESS applauds. RUMPELSTILTSKIN spins around.) Who goes there?!

PRINCESS: Sorry. (Curtsies with perfect poise.) I was just walking by. I didn’t mean to interrupt your party.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What party? There’s no party. He’s all by himself, he are.

PRINCESS: Who is?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: He are.PRINCESS: (Confused. Looks around.) Who is?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We is.PRINCESS: Okay. Yes, we do seem to be alone. Well. Wow! That was

a delightful song.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: He knows it was. He writ it himself.PRINCESS: Who did?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We did, of course! Is there something wrong with

your head?

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PRINCESS: (Thinking maybe that is the problem.) Something wrong with my head?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s what he said, didn’t he? Who are you?PRINCESS: Oh. Well… I can’t recall my name. So, yes, there must be

something wrong.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Turns to talk to his imaginary self.) Told you so!

Something’s not right in her head.PRINCESS: Who are you talking to?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s just between us. (To himself.) So, she don’t

know her own name, eh? How did she forget her name?PRINCESS: I really don’t know. I’m afraid I can’t remember anything

before just a day ago.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Nonsense!PRINCESS: It’s true, sir. I woke up yesterday in a small room in a tower,

somewhere in this forest. There was a strange man standing over me. He ran off, and I was scared and confused and all alone. I couldn’t remember how I got there or even who I was.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So she have no memory of anyone or anything?PRINCESS: (Agrieved.) I’ve tried to focus and find a memory of

something, anything, but it’s useless. Everything prior to yesterday afternoon when I awoke and ran into these woods is gone, as if it never happened.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s very, very odd, sir. Don’t you think? Yes, an odd little girl, she is. Let us look at you. (Walks all around her and inspects her eyes, hair, etc. Takes one of her arms and raises it up to shoulder height and lets it go, watching it drop to her side again.) Hmmm… interesting. (Does a bit more inspection.) Amnesia it is. Yes, she must have the amnesia of the brains. But why? People don’t just forget their own names. She must have been injured somehow, sir. Yes, injuries to the head it was. Perhaps, she bumped her head by accident, sir.

PRINCESS: Not that I can recall, no.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s very, very odd, sir.PRINCESS: I’m sorry, but why do you keep calling me sir?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: He weren’t calling you sir, sir.PRINCESS: Who wasn’t?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We wasn’t.PRINCESS: Well, I wish you would stop, whomever you are. The proper

form of address is Your Highness.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh! Your Highness? How very, very interesting,

sir.

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PRINCESS: (Just as shocked.) Oh my! I wonder what made me say that? I don’t know why, but Your Highness just sounds right, doesn’t it? How else would anyone address me?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: There are several ways to address a person, but what’s important is the words she just spoke, the words she recalled from a distant memory. She have been called Your Highness before, she have.

PRINCESS: Have I?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: She’s royalty. A princess, perhaps.PRINCESS: Can it be?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It must be. She has the grace of a princess. Yes,

she do, sir. And insists on being addressed as a princess. Yes. Yes. Very smart, sir. Listen to him, girl. He are very wise.

PRINCESS: But these rags are not fit for a princess. If I were a princess, why would I be wearing these?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hmmm. Let us think on it. (Thinks. Mumbles to himself.) Tricks, sticks, bricks. Bubbles, doubles, troubles. Jingles, jangles, jungles. (Snaps out of it.) Hmmm… No. Nothing. We doesn’t know why she wears rags.

PRINCESS: Who doesn’t know?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We doesn’t.PRINCESS: Who do you keep talking to, and why do you keep saying

“she, she, she” when I’m standing right here?!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: She doesn’t need to get angry with us.PRINCESS: Look, Mr. Rumpelstiltskin, if you’re playing some kind of

game with me, I will just be on my way!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What did she call us?PRINCESS: Rumpelstiltskin.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No!PRINCESS: That’s your name, isn’t it? Rumpelstiltskin?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No! Stop saying it, you evil girl!PRINCESS: I’m not evil. How dare you! I may not know who I am, but I

know that I am not evil! (Fed up.) Rumpelstiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No! (Stomps the ground. SOUND EFFECT: RUMBLING. They sway to and fro as if the ground is shaking.) My name! My precious, precious name! You’ve ruined it! (Crumbles to the ground in agony. RUMBLING STOPS.)

PRINCESS: You don’t have to be so dramatic. What a weird little man you are.

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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Get away! Go away, we says! (PRINCESS runs OFF LEFT. To himself.) Yes. That’s very smart, sir. Scare her off! Out of our sight! I was thinking of saying the same thing, too! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: Another part of the forest. MUSIC CUE 4: “Love at First Bite.” HANSEL and GRETEL race ON LEFT, panting. HANSEL is now visibly chubbier. In fact, he’s extremely fat. He stops, panting, as GRETEL continues to run across the stage.HANSEL: (Sings.) Wait! Stop! I can’t go on.

Suddenly my energy is totally gone.GRETEL: (Sings.) Not now! She’s gaining fast.

If you take a rest, it may be your last.Only one day, and you look like a slob.

HANSEL: (Speaks.) I know. (Sings.) I’m feeling like a great big blob!GRETEL: (Sings.) You pigged out on all her stuff.HANSEL: (Sings.) I couldn’t ever get enough…GRETEL: (Speaks.) Hansel, what am I going to do with you? Just look

at yourself, all puffy-faced and bloated. My gosh, you look like a sow ready to drop a litter!

HANSEL: (Unexpectedly grunts like a pig. He is shocked and hangs his head. Speaks.) I know. I just couldn’t help myself. That smell… that taste… (Sings.)My will has no power when confronted with sweets,Cookies and candies and other treats.A chewy confection is next to perfectionWhen it comes to my choice of snacks and eats.She conjured up magic with her sugar and spice,Strawberry tartlets and lemon ice.Her powerful potion filled my tongue with emotion.It was love at first bite. It was, oh, so nice!Love at first bite. Give me more candy.I savor the flavor and thrill at the touch.I won’t waste a crumb of a warm pecan sandy.Love at first bite. There’s never too much!

GRETEL: (Sings.) My bro, there’s a problem.You don’t know when to stop.Lapping and licking lollipops ’til you drop.I’m pushin’ your button. You’re a bit of a glutton,

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You better get a handle, or you’re gonna pop! (Does a finger pop with her mouth.)

HANSEL: (Sings.) Love at first bite. Give me more candy.I savor the flavor and thrill at the touch.Bring me a mountain of goo-licious candy.Love at first bite. There’s never too much! (The following two stanzas are sung as a duet.)

Love at first bite. Give me more candy.I savor the flavor and thrill at the touch.Her sugar-coated butter sticks all fried up sweet and dandy.Love at first bite. I’d die for one more!

GRETEL: (Sings.) Brother, no more candy!Brother, no! It’s just too much.Hey, no more candy!Your belt is too tight. You won’t fit through the door.

HANSEL: (Sings.) Love at first bite. Who’s keeping score?There’s never too much…

GRETEL: (Sings.) You’re eating too much!HANSEL: (Sings.) …of love at first bite.GRETEL: (Sings.) Fight the urge

With all your might.Purge that love at first bite! (MUSIC OUT.)

HANSEL: But it was absolutely to die for.GRETEL: You can say that again. And you think you’re the smart one!FOREST WITCH: (ENTERS LEFT.) Aha! There you are! Thought you

could get away from me, did you? Well, I’ve got you now! Hee, hee, hee!

GRETEL: Stay away from us! (Begins to walk backwards with HANSEL to get away.)

FOREST WITCH: Eh, eh, eh. Not so fast, you rotten little scamps! It’s no use running. I know these woods much better than you.

HANSEL: I would watch out if I were you! You don’t know who you’re messing with! (Does a couple of noticably slower ninja moves, then stops, panting.) Just a sec.

FOREST WITCH: Hee, hee, hee! Look at you, the little whippersnapper! I see my special treats have done their trick.

HANSEL: No, no. I’m fine. I just need a sec, and then you’re going to get it. You’ll see.

FOREST WITCH: Hee, hee! (GRETEL sniffs, as if she is crying in fear.) Aw. She’s so afraid she’s crying. You’re so cute I could just eat you up! I’m going to have to turn the oven up extra high so you’re

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nice and piping hot for my supper! Hee, hee, hee! (MUSIC CUE 4a: “Prince Reveille–Fanfare.”)

PRINCE REVEILLE: (Leaps ON LEFT and takes a heroic stance.) Not so fast, hag!

FOREST WITCH: Who are you calling hag, pretty boy?PRINCE REVEILLE: You. You shall not bring harm to this young lad and

lass. Now move along.FOREST WITCH: Says who?PRINCE REVEILLE: Says your future king!FOREST WITCH: Yeah, right! I didn’t vote for you.PRINCE REVEILLE: (Draws his sword.) Don’t make me use force.FOREST WITCH: All right, I’m going. I’m going. You can put your knife

away. (To HANSEL and GRETEL.) As for you, my pretty little num-nums, looks like we’ll have to postpone our little dinner party for another day. Hee, hee, hee! (EXITS LEFT.)

GRETEL: Oh, thank you, Your Highness! You saved our lives!PRINCE REVEILLE: It was nothing. As your future king, it is my duty to

look out for my subjects.HANSEL: Whatever. We didn’t need you! Just a minute more and I

would have taken care of that old witch myself!PRINCE REVEILLE: Sure you would. Listen, I’m looking for someone.GRETEL: Oh, I knew it! I knew someone would come to rescue us from

this dark and scary forest.PRINCE REVEILLE: No, no. I’m sorry. It’s not you I’m looking for.GRETEL: (Bummed.) Oh.PRINCE REVEILLE: There’s this girl, you see. She’s disappeared into

these woods, and I long to see her again. I don’t suppose you’ve seen her, have you?

HANSEL: We haven’t seen anyone. Just the old witch.GRETEL: No. Yesterday, remember? There was that confused girl we

met along the way.HANSEL: Oh, right. Her. Whatsername. The one who stole our bread!PRINCE REVEILLE: So you’ve seen her? (Holds out his hand.) About

this tall, blond hair, blue eyes, dressed in rags, yet the very definition of beauty? (NOTE: Change the hair and eye color as needed to match the actress playing PRINCESS.)

GRETEL: Yes, I think that was her.PRINCE REVEILLE: Where was she headed?HANSEL: Who knows? We lost our trail.

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GRETEL: Because numbskull here thought it would be best to hide our trail of breadcrumbs.

PRINCE REVEILLE: Did you get her name?HANSEL: Ha! No. Said she couldn’t remember it.PRINCE REVEILLE: Alas! It seems I shall never find her. Well, if I ever

hope to find her, I must be off. Good day! (Bounds OFF RIGHT. MUSIC CUE 4b: “Prince Reveille–Fanfare.”)

GRETEL: (Watches him go. Sighs. Deadpan.) Now what are we supposed to do?

HANSEL: Maybe we can find another house made of candy! Oh, I’m so hungry!

GRETEL: Come on, moron. Let’s go. We’ll find our way home somehow. Father’s bound to be looking for us. (Sighs.) Ah! Maybe one day I’ll find my prince and escape this childish life of brotherly torment and mediocrity.

HANSEL: (As they cross to go.) Hey. Do you think Father could build us a new house? One that’s made of candy?

GRETEL: I think you’ve had enough candy for one lifetime.HANSEL: Aw, but it’s so good.FATHER’S VOICE: (Calls from OFF LEFT.) Hansel? Gretel? Are you out

there? Can you hear me?GRETEL: Hansel! It’s Father! He did come for us! Come on! (Calls OFF

LEFT.) Father! We’re over here! (Races OFF LEFT.)HANSEL: (Struggles to run, only manages a jog.) Yeah. Yeah. Right

behind you. Say, Pops, you got any candy? (Painfully EXITS LEFT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

LIGHTS UP: The dining room of the Seven Dwarves and the Three Bears. There is a long table with benches and ten settings of bowls and spoons. GOLDILOCKS ENTERS RIGHT and trots over to the table, sits and takes a bite from one of the bowls.GOLDILOCKS: Ewww! This is too hot! (Moves over and tries another.)

No. This one’s too cold. (Moves over and tries another. A giant, unnatural smile forms on her face.) Interesting. This one’s too… happy? (Looks around.) Hmmm… ten bowls, ten spoons. I wonder who lives here. (SNOW WHITE ENTERS RIGHT. They see one another.)

SNOW WHITE/GOLDILOCKS: Oh! I’m terribly sorry. (Pause.) I didn’t think anyone lived here. (Pause.) Me neither. (Pause.) Jinx! (They laugh.)

End of script sample.

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Tell me, tell me, who’s to blameFor Princess Whatsername?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks in rhythm with a proper British accent.) Forsooth one needest a veritable sleuthTo ferret out the truth of Princess

ALL: (Sing.) Whatsername! (MUSIC OUT. LIGHTS OUT.)END OF MUSICAL

CURTAIN CALL. MUSIC CUE 10c: “Curtain Call–She’s So Pretty.”

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEACT ONE

Scene One: Misty Forest—tall trees and additional foliage.Scene Two: Misty Forest. Small campfire, small stack of firewood.Scene Three: Misty Forest.Scene Four: Dining room of the Seven Dwarves and Three Bears—one

long table, benches, ten settings of bowls and spoons.Scene Five: Small campfire.Scene Six: Bedroom of the Three Bears—three small beds or cots.Scene Seven: Central Tower—tall tower and a long strand of hair.

ACT TWOScene One: Bedroom of the Three Bears.Scene Two: Spinning wheel.Scene Three: Central Tower.Scene Four: Southern Castle. Two beds, table, crown.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONACT ONE

Scene One:Bread (HANSEL)

Scene Four:Basket with apple inside (QUEEN OF THE WEST)

Scene Seven:Wand (FAIRY GODMOTHER)

ACT TWOScene One:

Piece of apple (SNOW WHITE)

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Scene Two:Small wrapped babydoll (QUEEN OF THE NORTH)Baby wrapped in quilt identical to PRINCESS’S (QUEEN OF THE

SOUTH)Small bottle with stopper (NURSE)

Scene Three:Cinderella’s slipper (PRINCE REVEILLE)Matching slipper (PRINCE SWAVAY)

SOUND EFFECTSRumbling, baby cries, magic effect.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSCostumes are standard fairy tale style with the following details:PRINCESS wears rags and a large shiny pendant necklace, which bears

the circle and star emblem. She always carries a quilt square with this same emblem.

HANSEL wears a fat suit or lots of extra stuffing in ACT ONE, Scene Three.

PRINCES wear sheathed swords on their belts.SNOW WHITE wears a large ring, presumably with the same circle and

star emblem.QUEEN OF THE WEST is disguised as an old woman and wears a

hooded cape over a crown on her head.CINDERELLA wears a ball gown and one slipper. In ACT TWO, Scene

Three, she wears the clothes of a maiden and two plain slippers.RAPUNZEL wears a princess costume and has a wig of long hair over

a bald cap.

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