By Kamron Klitgaard

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CHEATING DEATHA comedy in one act

By KAMRON KLITGAARD

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking.)

# of lines

BOB .........................................idea man 39DEB .........................................wisher 33ANN .........................................know-it-all 62SAM .........................................as in Samantha; questioner 71SUE .........................................comparer 29RON .........................................paranoid 57DEATH ......................................or the Grim Reaper 137

SETTINGTIME: 8:00 PMPLACE: A mental hospital.Seven chairs are arranged in a semi-circle for a group session at a mental hospital.

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CHEATING DEATH

AT RISE: BOB, DEB, ANN, SAM, SUE and RON are seated and waiting for the session to start. ALL wear hospital gowns.BOB: They ought to get rid of daylight savings time.DEB: Why?BOB: Well, look. It’s eight o’clock, and it’s still light outside.ANN: So, in Finland it stays light until midnight.SAM: How do you know? Have you ever been to Finland?ANN: No. But they call it the land of the midnight sun.DEB: They do?SUE: I wish they didn’t make us wear these gowns.RON: I think they’re comfortable.SUE: It looks like we’re all going in for surgery.SAM: Are we? Are we all having surgery? Am I?ANN: Relax.RON: That’s exactly what they want. They want us to relax and be

comfortable and then once you get relaxed and comfortable… Bam! Surgery!

ANN: Relax.RON: See? She’s probably working with them.SAM: Who?RON: The doctors.SUE: Don’t be silly. She’s not working with the doctors. She’s exactly

like one of us.ANN: I am one of you.DEB: I wish I could have a surgery.RON: Come to think of it, my spleen has been acting up.SAM: Do you think I could have an appendectomy?ANN: No one is having surgery! We are a here for our group session.DEB: I wish our group was bigger. Then there would be more people

to talk to.SAM: Why do we have to have group anyway?SUE: Because we are all exactly like crazy people.BOB: What do you guys think about this? No bars at the zoo.SAM: Wouldn’t the animals get out?BOB: No, no. There’s a high iron fence around the whole zoo, and the

animals are just free to roam anywhere inside, just like in the wild.SAM: Wouldn’t that be dangerous?

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BOB: No, the people travel through the zoo in little cages with wheels and a motor.

SUE: What if you were one of those people in a cage, and you had to go to the bathroom?

RON: Yeah, you’d step out of your cage, and a deer would attack you.SAM: A deer? What about a lion or a tiger?ANN: It’s a well-known fact that more people are attacked by deer than

are attacked by both tigers and lions combined.RON: And when do all these attacks happen?ANN: As a matter of fact, they happen at night while people are driving

in their cars.BOB: You’d just go to the bathroom in your cage just like the animals

do now. See? It’s all reversed.DEB: I wish the doc would get here.ANN: Yeah, let’s get this session over with.RON: They’re probably watching us. They’re observing us to see how

we react under pressure.SAM: What pressure?BOB: What about this? While the peanut is still growing we inject the

peanut plant with jelly. It’s brilliant! It would save at least a couple of steps.

DEB: You should be an inventor.BOB: Thank you.DEB: I wish I was an inventor.ANN: Can we have a little peace and quiet before the session starts?

I’d like to get my thoughts in order.SAM: Do crazy people have ordered thoughts?ANN: We’re not crazy. We’re just… eccentric.SAM: They lock us in here because we’re eccentric?SUE: I can’t be eccentric, I’m not rich.RON: I think we must be crazy, but they’re hiding it from us.ANN: We’re not crazy.SAM: How can you be sure?ANN: All right, let’s put it to a vote. Raise your hand if you think you are

crazy. (No hands.) All right, raise your hand if you think the person next to you is crazy. (All hands.)

BOB: Instead of raising hands what if we had levers to pull? And each pull of the lever would count as one vote.

ANN: Enough! I forbid you to talk!

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DEB: I wish you had forbidden me to talk.ANN: I forbid you all! (Silence.)DEATH: (ENTERS wearing a suit and tie, approaches RON and then flips

through a notepad.) Excuse me? I’m looking for a Sam Johnson. Are you Sam Johnson?

RON: Who wants to know? (During this dialogue, OTHER PATIENTS ignore RON’S talking. They’re clearly used to people talking out loud to themselves.)

DEATH: Are you Mr. Johnson?RON: Maybe. Who are you?DEATH: Well, I guess there’s no harm in you knowing now, Mr. Johnson.

I’m Death.RON: Death?DEATH: That’s right.RON: Uh-huh. Are you here for group session?DEATH: Hardly. I’m here for you, Mr. Johnson.RON: Uh-huh. You’re Death. As in dead? As in the Grim Reaper?DEATH: That’s right, Mr. Johnson. That is one of my names.RON: One of those levers would come in handy right about now. (To

OTHER PATIENTS.) Hey, you guys, I think this guy’s here for group, but he doesn’t know it yet.

SUE: Who?RON: (Indicates DEATH.) This guy.DEB: What guy?RON: This guy right here!ANN: Imaginary friends are not in your profile.DEATH: They can’t see or hear me, Mr. Johnson.RON: Why not?DEATH: Because I’m Death. I only appear to those who are about to

die.RON: Hey, can you guys see this guy? He’s right here. White shirt, tie,

bad suit? Anyone?BOB: No one’s there. (They look away.)DEATH: Now that that’s settled, Mr. Johnson, you have exactly fifteen

minutes before we have to be on our way, so I suggest that you—RON: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m not Mr. Johnson.DEATH: What?!RON: You’ve got the wrong person. I’m not him.DEATH: But when I came in I asked you if you were Mr. Johnson, and—

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RON: And I said, “Maybe.” Maybe? As in, “perhaps,” “possibly,” “might be, might not be.”

DEATH: But—RON: But nothing. I’m not him. (To OTHER PATIENTS.) Hey, you guys, is

my last name Johnson?OTHERS: No.RON: (To DEATH.) See?DEATH: But I appeared to you.RON: That’s your fault, not mine.DEATH: Then which one of them is he?RON: I’m not telling you.DEATH: But—RON: I’m no snitch.DEATH: All right then. I guess I’ll have to do this the hard way. (Walks

to the middle of them and waves his hand over himself.) Ladies and gentlemen, I am looking for Sam Johnson.

ANN: Where’d you come from?DEATH: It doesn’t matter. Which one of you is Sam Johnson?RON: Don’t tell him. He’s Death.DEATH: Would you stay out of this?RON: No. He’s the Grim Reaper, everyone. Don’t tell him anything.SUE: You’re Death, huh? I thought you’d be taller.DEB: I wish he was taller.SAM: Why do you want Sam?DEATH: Well, what he said is true. I’m Death. It’s Sam’s time to…

come with me.ANN: (Stands up and takes a few steps back.) We may be crazy, but

we’re not that crazy. There’s no way you can get us to believe that you are Death.

DEATH: I don’t care if you believe me or not, I just need to know which one of you is Sam Johnson.

RON: We’re not telling you. (Stands up and turns his back on DEATH. [NOTE: PATIENTS can move about the room at the director’s discretion until they return to their seats for the group session.])

BOB: What do you think about this? Instead of the Grim Reaper you could be the Grim Farmer. That way you wouldn’t have to carry a sickle around, and you could ride a tractor. Then you could plow souls to the afterlife. No one uses a sickle anymore.

SAM: Hey, where is your sickle?

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DEATH: It’s actually just a prop. It isn’t necessary. What is necessary is that I find out who Sam Johnson is. First, I can eliminate the women.

ANN: Why?DEATH: Because the name is Sam Johnson.DEB: Sam as in Samuel?SUE: Or Sam as in Samantha?DEATH: Well, I… Now look here!ANN: Well, which is it?DEATH: I don’t know.SAM: What does your notepad say?DEATH: It just says, “Sam.”RON: Looks like you’ve got a problem, buddy.SAM: Would you like to join our group session? It’s supposed to start

in fifteen minutes.DEATH: I’m afraid that’s impossible. I’ve got to be gone in 15

minutes… (Looks at his watch.) …make that 13 minutes and 45 seconds, with Samuel… or Samantha Johnson or there are going to be some serious repercussions.

ANN: Okay, here’s the deal, mister. We don’t really believe you are who you say you are. You see, if you really were Death, we would tell you about Sam Johnson, no problem. But as it is, there are some things that are worse than death. For instance, you could be a DMV employee.

BOB: Or a politician.DEB: Or an I.R.S. auditor.RON: Or a proctologist.SAM: Or a dentist.SUE: Or a proctologist/dentist.ANN: Or maybe you’re even a math teacher. And we’d hate to give Sam

up to a math teacher.DEATH: I am none of those things.ANN: Then perhaps you wouldn’t mind showing us some identification.DEATH: What?! I don’t have any identification.SAM: Then how are we supposed to know who you are?DEATH: Well, when I first appeared, I only appeared to him. (Points to

RON.) What was your name?RON: Nice try.DEATH: But the rest of you couldn’t see me.SAM: How do you know we couldn’t see you?

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DEB: I wish I couldn’t see him.SUE: Maybe we were just like those plastic people that stand in the

stores modeling clothes. And that’s why we didn’t look at you.RON: You know the government puts cameras in those things to keep

an eye on us while we’re shopping.BOB: What about this? Every car comes with a fold-away mannequin

that pops out and sits in the passenger side so that everyone can drive in the carpool lane. (OTHERS ignore him.)

ANN: Now, Mr. So-Called-Death, why do you think we couldn’t see you?DEATH: Because I only appear to the one who is to come with me.BOB: But you appeared to all of us.DEATH: I’m running late, I only have… (Looks at his watch.) …12

minutes now. Normally, I would hang out in the room, undetected, until I was sure which one of you I was to take. Then, I would appear to just that one, and we’d be on our way. But I didn’t have time.

RON: So you broke the rules?DEATH: (Slumps in an empty chair.) Yes, yes! I broke the rules. I just

thought it couldn’t hurt this one time.DEB: I wish I could break the rules.SUE: You shouldn’t break the rules. You could end up just like us.DEATH: I know, I know. I just needed to make up some time. Oh,

I’m going to be in so much trouble! Can’t you people just be reasonable?

ANN: Do you even know where you are? Perhaps we didn’t see you when you first came in because we are all crazy.

DEATH: Oh, dear.SUE: You can say that again. (DEATH puts his face in his hands.)RON: I think he’s one of the doctors trying to spy on us.ANN: Let me confer with my colleagues, Mr. Whoever-You-Are, and

we’ll let you know. (PATIENTS huddle away from DEATH and whisper, occasionally peeking up at him individually. They break the huddle.) All right, we’ve decided to help you out.

DEATH: Great. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.ANN: If you can prove to us that you are really Death, then we’ll tell

you about Sam Johnson.DEATH: Prove?ANN: Yes, prove.RON: I think you’re a doctor in disguise, studying how we cope with

death.DEATH: I see. Then I shall prove it. (Points to a window. [NOTE: An

actual window isn’t necessary.]) Everyone, look out that window.

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You see those birds perched on the telephone line? Watch the third one from the left. (Lifts his hand and points at the “bird.” PATIENTS watch and react as it plummets to the street below. They all take a step away from DEATH.) Convinced?

SAM: You killed a bird?!DEB: Don’t you have to wait until it’s the bird’s time?DEATH: There are different rules for animals.BOB: Big deal. I can do the same thing with a BB gun. (PATIENTS

huddle again, then break.)ANN: All right, you’re Death.DEATH: Good. I’m glad that’s settled. Now, about Sam Johnson…BOB: All right, all right. Sam Johnson is definitely one of us… and is

in this very room.DEATH: And which one of you is Sam?RON: We’re not telling.DEATH: But you agreed that if I proved who I am that…SAM: …we’d tell you about Sam Johnson. And we’ve told you. Weren’t

you listening? Sam is one of us and is in this room.DEATH: Oh, you people are trying my patience.SUE: What are you going to do about it?BOB: I think you should get a new notepad. One with more details.DEATH: I had one.ANN: Let me guess… you lost it.DEATH: No! I just left it back at… the place. (Checks his watch.) Nine

minutes.BOB: I think you should invent a machine to take you back in time, and

then you could take a class on deductive reasoning.DEATH: All right, wait a second. You! (Points to RON.) I can eliminate

you!RON: Why?DEATH: Because when I came in, you said your last name wasn’t

Johnson, and you asked all of them if your last name was Johnson before they even knew who I was and they all said, “No.” (Awkward silence.) Ah ha! Gotcha!

RON: All right, all right, it’s true. You got me.DEATH: Good! One down. So what is your name?RON: Sam Johnson.DEATH: What?RON: Yeah, I was just teasing with you. I’m Samuel Johnson. (DEATH

looks at him in disbelief.)

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SUE: It’s true. He’s Sam Johnson.DEATH: And what’s your name?SUE: Samantha Johnson. Nice to meet you.BOB: Oh, where are my manners? Hello, I’m Samuel Johnson.SAM: Hi, I’m Samantha Johnson. Have we met?DEB: Oh, I’m Sam Johnson.ANN: Sam Johnson here. Nice to make your acquaintance.DEATH: I’ve been very patient, but now I’m done. I have just about

eight minutes until I have to do what I have to do. You’ve forced me into a position that I don’t want to be in.

DEB: That’s life.DEATH: (Writes in his notebook.) I suppose that’s true, so I’m just

going to have to make other arrangements.SAM: So we win?DEATH: In a sense. Sam Johnson, whoever you are, you have a five in

six chance that I will not take you tonight.ANN: What do you mean by that?DEATH: (Points at each of the PATIENTS.) Eeny, meeny, miney… (Points

at SUE.) Moe!SUE: (Becomes weak in the knees and has trouble breathing.) I don’t…

feel so good.ANN: Sue! What’s wrong?SUE: I don’t know.BOB: (Helps SUE to a chair.) Here, sit down.DEB: What is it? What’s wrong with her?RON: You did this to her!DEATH: Yes.ANN: Why? She’s not the one you came for!DEATH: I’ve had to make other arrangements.RON: Other arrangements? You mean Sue?DEATH: Yes.BOB: That’s got to be against the rules.DEATH: It will cause some small inconveniences, yes, but there won’t

be nearly as much trouble as if I returned with no one.ANN: That’s not fairDEATH: No, Death is not fair, but neither is life. (SUE moans.)SAM: How am I to die?DEATH: Samantha Johnson?SAM: Yes.

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DEATH: (Writes in his notebook.) Interesting. I never would have guessed.SAM: I’m sorry. I’m ready to go. You can release her.DEATH: You don’t understand, Miss Johnson. You’ve won. You’ve

cheated Death. You get to live.SAM: That’s all right. Sue was only trying to protect me. If it’s all the

same to you, I’ll come with you. It’s my turn.DEATH: I’m afraid it’s too late for that. Other arrangements have been

made.SAM: Well, unmake them! I’m ready to go.DEATH: Unmake them? Oh, no, I’ve already made the adjustment, and

it will stand. I’m not allowed to make any more changes.SAM: But Sue’s my friend.DEATH: Don’t worry, Miss Johnson, when her real time comes you will

join her.SAM: Please! You can’t do this.DEATH: It’s already done. There are some rules even I cannot change.DEB: How can you be so cruel?DEATH: I didn’t want to take Sue. I wanted the one I came for. But you

all changed that.ANN: We won’t let you take her!DEATH: She’s as good as taken.SUE: He’s right. I can feel it.DEATH: You see? There’s only one more thing to do.BOB: What’s that?DEATH: (Looks at his watch.) In approximately six minutes, I will simply

touch Sue and she will… come with me.RON: Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re not going to lay one icy finger

on her. (Stands between SUE and DEATH.)DEB: (Stands with RON.) That’s right. We won’t let you!DEATH: No?SAM: No!BOB: You’ll have to get through me first.ANN: You’ll have to get through all of us.DEATH: Then please, just tell me one thing… (Snaps his fingers.)BOB: What the…?DEB: Where’d he go?RON: He’s gone!DEATH: (Walks around the group and stands next to SUE and snaps

his fingers again.) How do you propose to stop me? (PATIENTS turn around to see DEATH standing by SUE.)

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ANN: How did you do that?DEATH: Please, folks. I appreciate the heroics, I really do. But you

must remember who I am. I am inevitable.SAM: (In tears.) Sue, I’m sorry. What do I do?SUE: How much time do I have?DEATH: Just over five minutes.BOB: And what happens if you don’t touch her?DEATH: Oh, I don’t even want to think about it. If I don’t touch her

at exactly the precise time, the consequences would be… well, I can’t even begin to tell you all the trouble it would cause.

SUE: I would have liked to have had one last group.DEATH: Group?ANN: Group session. That’s why we’re all here. We’re waiting for the

doctor to conduct our group.DEATH: I see.DEB: She always liked our sessions.RON: Can you wait until after our session?DEATH: Sorry. I must take her at precisely 8:15.ANN: Then let’s have our session now.DEB: But the doctor’s not here.ANN: So what? We know what to do. (Sits in a chair and the OTHERS

follow suit, except for DEATH.)BOB: Would you care to join us?DEATH: Me? Oh, no, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be very good at it.DEB: Won’t you honor her dying wish?DEATH: I’m not sure she would want me in the…RON: What, are you scared?DEATH: No, it’s just that I…SAM: Then sit down.ANN: You can have the doctor’s seat.DEATH: (Sits.) I guess it couldn’t hurt. But we only have five minutes.DEB: You’d be surprised what we can accomplish in five minutes.ANN: All right, in the absence of the doctor, I would like to welcome

everyone to group for this evening session. First, we have to tell everyone what our problem is. Deb, why don’t you start?

DEB: Okay. I’m a dreamer and a wisher.DEATH: A what?DEB: I’m always wishing for something else. At least that’s what they

tell me. I’m never satisfied with what’s going on in the present. But I wish I was.

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ANN: Good. Ron?RON: There’s nothing really wrong with me. It’s everyone else who’s

out to get me. And if you doubt me just read the papers. You’ll find that cattle mutilations are up this year.

ANN: Thank you, Ron. Sam?SAM: I’m Sam. I usually question everything. Like why did Death

come for me?ANN: Bob?BOB: Actually, my problem is that I’m a genius. I always have ideas.

I’m an idea man. For instance—and you may be interested in this one, Mr. Death—a casket with a mechanical lever inside that lifts the corpse’s arm. So that when you say your final goodbyes at the viewing, the deceased would raise his hand so you could shake it. See? It’s brilliance like that which gets me into trouble.

ANN: All right, I’m Ann. And my problem is that I always want to take charge and control everything.

DEATH: Why is that?ANN: Because I know everything. Sue? Are you feeling up to it?SUE: (Struggling.) Yes, yes, I want to participate. I am always comparing

myself to others. I’m sorry… my answer wasn’t as good as any of yours.

ANN: It was just fine, Sue. The doctor would be proud of us, admitting our faults like that. (To DEATH.) What about you?

DEATH: Me?BOB: Yeah, the doctor always participates.DEB: Come on, we all did it.DEATH: I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say.RON: Look, it’s not that difficult. Just tell us one of your faults.DEATH: I don’t think I have any faults.ANN: Excellent. Now you’re really opening up.BOB: Yeah, buddy. That must’ve been hard for you to admit.ANN: Next, we all have to say something that we like about ourselves.BOB: Oh, me first! I’m an idea man! I have all these great ideas. Like,

what if we feed the tuna fish mayonnaise before we catch ’em? Think how much time that would save in the kitchen!

DEB: I love the way I can imagine better things. I just wish sometimes my wishes would come true.

RON: I like the fact that I can spot things that are out to get me.SUE: I like the way I compare myself to you guys. It makes me feel

good.

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ANN: I’m glad that I know more than everyone else.SAM: I like how I have an inquisitive mind. (PATIENTS look at DEATH.)DEATH: Well… I’m fair! I treat everyone equally.RON: The most unequal thing you can do is treat unequals as equals.

(DEATH frowns.)ANN: All right. Time for “Explore Our Past.”DEATH: What’s that?RON: Each of us has to tell something that happened in the past that

has affected our lives.DEATH: I like this. It’s kind of fun.BOB: Fun? I don’t know if you remember this, but we’ve met before.DEATH: We have?BOB: When I was in grade school, there was this road nearby called

Alisal Drive. It was a huge steep hill that emptied out onto the main street of town. I had this idea that I would “bomb” Alisal on my skateboard after school.

DEATH: Bomb?BOB: It means to ride straight down, no slalom, no slowing. Just

straight down, picking up speed and momentum until you crash or run into the busy street below. The word soon spread about what I was planning and the whole school turned out to watch.

DEATH: What happened?BOB: With everyone looking at me, I couldn’t back out. I was scared

to death… (Smiles at his own joke, then continues.) …but I stood up on my board and let gravity do its thing. I had made it about three-fourths of the way down and doing about 30 miles per hour when it happened.

DEATH: What?BOB: I hit a pebble. I went flying about 20 feet. I knew I was dead. It

was like everything slowed down, and I became completely aware of my surroundings. That’s when I saw you, standing in the crowd, watching me.

DEATH: Me?BOB: When I landed I rolled and spun and somersaulted and then

stood up. I had a few cuts, a couple of scrapes and a big bruise on my knee, but I was okay. I lived. I beat you.

DEATH: It just wasn’t your time.BOB: Then why were you there?DEATH: I don’t remember this exact incident, but if you really did see

me then I was probably there just in case.

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ANN: Just in case? I thought you only appear to people whose time has come?

DEATH: Yes, but some people take matters into their own hands and seem to insist on… going before their time. If that happens, I need to be there just in case.

SAM: When I was a little girl, Mrs. Porter’s cat, Snibbles, was stuck in a tree. We all called to Snibbles and even put some food out for her, but she just wouldn’t come down. I remember Mrs. Porter’s face and how worried she was. I remember thinking that if Snibbles didn’t come down she would die of starvation, or she would get so tired she would eventually fall asleep and plummet to her death. Then one of the neighborhood boys started to climb the tree. It was a long way, but eventually he reached her and pulled her down. Mrs. Porter was so grateful. I think I would like to do that someday… save a life. (To DEATH.) Can you see into my future? Will I save a life someday?

DEATH: I’m sorry, there’s only one thing I know about anyone’s future.SAM: Oh, I just think that would be wonderful. If I could save someone’s

life, I would feel like my life was complete. I could even die doing it. It would be a true moment of no regret.

DEATH: A true moment of no regret?RON/DEB: A true moment of no regret.DEATH: Interesting.DEB: I thought about dying before. When I was younger, there was this

boy in my school who was so handsome and so charming. He was just perfect. I wanted him so much to like me romantically, but he didn’t. I remember thinking that I would just die if he wouldn’t like me. My heart ached so bad. Every waking moment, he was all I thought about. I even wanted to end it myself just to make the hurt stop.

ANN: What happened?DEB: Nothing. After a couple of weeks the feelings went away, and

I started to think clearly again. Even though I never told anyone about my feelings, I felt kind of dumb that I had obsessed about it so much.

ANN: Time heals all.RON: I got beat up in the fourth grade. I had just started to walk

home from school when I saw some of the bigger boys looking for someone to bully. I was all by myself, so they started chasing me. I ran so fast that they couldn’t catch me. I got to the end of the block and looked back. They were still coming, but I had put enough distance between us that I knew I could easily make it

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one more block to my house. Just then, Mathew Alexander came around the corner. He had run around the block the other way before they even started to chase me. I was small for my age, and Mathew was big. He’d been held back a year so he was the oldest one in the fourth grade. Lucky for me, he was my friend. He smiled as he came toward me. I thought he was going to help me, protect me. But then, he grabbed me. I struggled, and he laughed. He held me there until the other boys got to me. Then, he threw me down in the dirt. They all pounced on me. When it was over, I looked up at them through a mixture of dust and tears, and they were just laughing. The next day at recess, we all played kickball together as if it had never happened.

DEATH: That’s terrible.RON: I’m over it.ANN: Very good, Ron. I’m glad to hear you feel you’re over it, though you

still remember it clearly. How do you feel about this Mathew boy?RON: I hate him.ANN: I see. Well, I also had an incident in grade school that hurt

me badly, though not in the same way. We all turned in an essay entitled “Where I Will Be in Twenty Years.” There was one girl who did not do her essay, so she took the pile of papers and randomly pulled one out. It was my paper. She erased my name at the top of the paper and wrote in her own and then put it back into the pile. The next day, the teacher asked me why I didn’t turn in a paper, and I explained that I did. We looked through the papers together and found it. The handwriting of the girl’s name did not match the rest of the paper. The teacher called her parents, and she got in a lot of trouble. And she blamed me. Can you believe it? She blamed me, because she got caught cheating.

SUE: I got into a vicious fight with my sister.BOB: Let me guess, over a guy.SUE: I wish it was over something as noble as that. But I’m afraid it

was over something as petty as money.ANN: Money?SUE: Yes, money. Money makes the world go around. And it keeps

sisters from speaking to one another for years. Ann, when I’m gone, would you tell her “I’m sorry” for me? Tell her it was my fault.

ANN: Was it your fault?SUE: It doesn’t matter now. Just tell her for me, will you?ANN: Sure. I will, I promise.SAM: (To DEATH.) Well?

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DEATH: Well what?SAM: It’s your turn.DEATH: Me?SAM: We all said something from our past.DEATH: I don’t know what to say.SAM: Any regrets?DEATH: No.SAM: Anything you feel sorry for?DEATH: No.SAM: Anything you want to get off your chest?DEATH: Not really.SAM: Are you telling us that of all the people you’ve taken across

to the other side, there’s not one that you have second thoughts about?

DEATH: Well, there was this one guy…SAM: Yes?DEATH: Now, he deserved what he got.SAM: What he got?DEATH: Yes. As you know, there is a judgment and uh… consequence.SAM: Of course.DEATH: Well, this guy was rotten. He’d done bad stuff all his life. And

then one night during a robbery he had a shoot-out with the police, and I had to come calling.

SAM: Sure, you’re Death, after all.DEATH: Exactly. But the thing is, he seemed like he had a good heart.

If he had had a little more time, he might have changed his life around. You know, repented for all the rotten things he’d done. Then maybe things would have ended up different for the guy. (Lowers his head.)

SAM: (Moves behind DEATH and rubs his shoulders.) You never know. But it was his own fault.

DEATH: (Getting emotional.) I guess so. Then there was that lady who got caught in that car accident last week. Her husband misses her so much.

SAM: Sure. It’s just one of those things.DEATH: I try not to think about it, but sometimes it’s just hard.SAM: It would be hard for anyone.DEATH: But there’s nothing I can do about it. I have my rules, you

understand.

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SAM: Rules are rules.DEATH: (In tears.) And all those soldiers in the wars…SAM: There, there, let it all out.DEATH: Yesterday, Mrs. Jackson’s German shepherd, just down the

street here, gave birth to a litter of pups. They were so cute… (Sobs.) …and I had to take two of them.

SAM: Oh, you poor thing.DEATH: I don’t know why I had to get stuck with this job.SAM: Oh, it’s not your fault. Someone’s got to do it.DEATH: I know, but why does it have to be me? I’m so cruel! I don’t

know why I killed that bird! I shouldn’t even be allowed to exist!SAM: (Puts her arm around him.) Oh, no, no. You’re not that bad.

You’re actually useful and necessary.DEATH: I am?SAM: Sure. You’re being too hard on yourself.DEATH: No one even likes me.SAM: Oh, now you’re being ridiculous.DEATH: No, it’s true. No one likes me. Everyone hates it when I appear.SAM: Oh, come on. I don’t hate you.DEATH: You don’t?SAM: Of course not. I think you’re nice.DEATH: You do?SAM: Sure. Now just close your eyes and relax. I’ve got you.DEATH: Thank you. (SAM rocks him in her arms. SOUND EFFECT:

WATCH ALARM. He breaks their embrace and looks at his watch.) It’s 8:15! (Jumps up.) It’s 8:15, and I didn’t touch her!

SUE: (Sits up.) I’m feeling better.DEATH: (To SAM.) It’s 8:15! You made me forget about touching her!SAM: Did I?DEATH: You did this on purpose! You got me talking and talking and

made me lose track of the time! You cheated me!SAM: So you can’t take her now?DEATH: No! You’ve seen to that!SAM: Hmm. Not bad. I cheated Death twice in one night.DEATH: Yes, very good, Samantha. Very good indeed!SAM: So, I saved her life?DEATH: Yes, yes. You saved her life. And now I’m going to be in big

trouble.

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SAM: So… I saved her life. This has been a true moment of no regret.DEATH: A true moment of no regret, huh?SAM: That’s right.DEATH: I see.SAM: (Holds out her hand.) I’m ready now.DEATH: All right, Samantha Johnson. (Takes her hand.) Let’s go.SAM: Good-bye, everyone.ANN: Good-bye, Sam.BOB: Good luck, Sam.RON: I’ll miss our sessions together.DEB: I love you, Samantha.SUE: Thank you, Sam.SAM: I’ll miss all of you.DEATH: Don’t worry, Sam. They’ll be seeing both of us again. Ready?SAM: Yes. (They start to EXIT.) I sure hope they have group in heaven.

(Stops and looks into DEATH’S face.) Heaven?DEATH: Yes, Miss Johnson, heaven. Congratulations. (They walk OFF

LEFT together. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGESeven chairs.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONNotepad, pen (DEATH)

COSTUMESThe six PATIENTS wear hospital gowns. DEATH wears a suit, a tie and a watch.

SOUND EFFECTWatch alarm.

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

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