By Patrick Rainville Dorn

© Copyright 2017, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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perhaps decorated with astronomical and/or astrological signs, and slippers.

BARONESS wears a Spanish-style blouse and big skirt in bright colors, or perhaps as a Spanish duenna, hair worn up, tiara. Later she wears a different tiara.

ALONZO wears a fast-food uniform. Polo shirt, khaki pants, sneakers, and a white apron. Later, a fez, long scarf, and a coat are worn over his uniform, but without the apron.

GNUT is a large Viking barbarian, wearing hides and fur, and perhaps a horned helmet.

POP CULTURE REFERENCESThis script includes popular references and quotes from Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, and other popular works. Feel free to update and/or add your own references, as appropriate, especially as they apply to your chosen cosplay characters.

A NOTE ABOUT DON QUIXOTEThis play is very loosely inspired by Miguel Cervantes’ classic satire “Don Quixote” (1605) and its timeless Broadway musical adaptation “Man of La Mancha” (1964). While it is not necessary to be familiar with these works to mount a successful production, the more actors are acquainted with them, the more they will enjoy and appreciate this story, its characters, and its humor.

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GIRL OF LA MANCHA

A Cosplay Comedy, inspired by Cervantes’ “Don Quixote”

By PATRICK RAINVILLE DORN

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

OFFICER BOB ......................mall security guard 45SASHA ...............................Donna’s loyal friend 151DONNA ...............................idealistic and clumsy fan of 215

role-playing games (also known as RPGs)

SIMON CARRASCO ..............mundane realist and bully 74PUDDLES............................his reluctant sidekick 66DARKNESS .........................caustic Goth girl 88OBSIDIAN ...........................her Goth sidekick 51CANKER .............................another 48MACHU PICCHU ..................small cosplayer in a furry 28

cat costumeCLERK ................................works for Jockland 14

Sporting GoodsGANDALDORE .....................cranky, middle-aged woman 55

dressed as a wizard at Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf

BARONESS BURRITO ...........restaurateur hostess at the 43 food court

ALONZO ..............................busboy at the food court; smart, 63 but no imagination

GNUT .................................large Viking barbarian cosplayer 13COSPLAYERS ......................ensemble of costumed characters 65

SETTINGTime: Last Saturday.Place: La Mancha Mall.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe person playing CLERK may be male or female and can change into a cosplay costume to join the ensemble. OFFICER BOB (male) can become OFFICER BOBBIE (female).

SOUND EFFECTSSquawking of walkie talkie, optional “mall” background music.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSOFFICER BOB wears a mall security guard uniform, including a wide utility

belt with a penlight in the holster, walkie talkie, and various other accessories, but no gun. “Security” insignia on cap and/or shirt.

DONNA is dressed as a female equivalent of Don Quixote, with a battered leather, flat brimmed hat, leather or brown doublet, breeches, white tights or leggings, leather boots, and perhaps an empty leather sword scabbard, worn over the shoulder and across the chest, and capable of holding the mini-golf putter. There is a small but noticeable tear in a side seam of her pants. After emerging from the sporting goods store in ACT ONE, Scene Three, the bright bicycle helmet, the football shoulder, elbow, and knee pads, and the large fishing boots become part of her costume through ACT TWO, Scene Two.

SASHA is dressed as a 15th century Spanish peasant. Shapeless, wide-brimmed hat (felt or straw), loose peasant blouse, leather belt, calf-length trousers, sandals, satchel or bag with a long strap worn over the shoulder.

SIMON is dressed as a typical high school student and sports fan. Jersey shirt, blue jeans, sneakers. Later, he wears all black and spikes his hair.

PUDDLES wears attire similar to Simon, but less fashionable. Sweatshirt instead of a jersey.

DARKNESS wears classic Goth attire, all in black and tastefully arranged, including hair and makeup. OBSIDIAN and CANKER also Goth, but less committed to “the look,” more emo than goth. All in black, but less authentic and more frilly. Later, all dress as cheerleaders.

MACHU PICCHU wears a furry cat costume with tail, paws with claws, and cat face makeup.

The CLERK at Jockland Sporting Goods wears a referee shirt, khaki or black slacks, with a name badge and a whistle on a lanyard.

GANDALDORE should have a classic wizard costume with pointy hat and an easily removable wig and long white beard. Long robe,

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: Entrance to La Mancha Mall. Played in front of the curtain.Scene Two: Tad Gamey’s Game Shop.Scene Three: Concourse outside of Jockland Sporting Goods. Played

in front of the curtain.Scene Four: Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.Scene Five: The food court.

ACT TWOScene One: The food court, immediately following.Scene Two: Elsewhere in the mall. Played in front of the curtain.Scene Three: Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.Scene Four: The food court.

SET DESCRIPTIONThere are various locations within the mall, represented by minimal sets that can be easily moved on and offstage.The entrance hallway, the concourse outside of Jockland Sporting Goods, and the other undefined location in the mall are played in front of the curtain.

In Tad Gamey’s Game Shop, there is a bookshelf with games and books DOWN LEFT. A ladder stands behind it. There is also a counter at CENTER.

For Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf, there is a windmill with detachable blades RIGHT and a sign that reads “Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.”

For the food court, tables and chairs (or benches) are arranged STAGE RIGHT to form a dining area, with a large trash can nearby. Above the table, a sign reads “La Mancha Cantina. 20% Off Nachos for Cosplayers.” UP CENTER is a small platform stage area with a sign above it reading “La Mancha Mall Welcomes You to Cosplay Con.” UP LEFT is a photo booth area, which is later converted into a space for the Noodle Combat sequence. A sign above it reads “Cosplay Con Photo Booth, courtesy of the Photo Shoppe.” La Mancha Cantina is OFF RIGHT from the food court.

Scene Four:Putters (COSPLAYERS)Bendable magic wand (GANDALDORE)Hockey stick (DONNA)

Scene Five:Broom, dust pan, plastic tub with yellow rubber cleaning gloves,

rag (ALONZO)Notecard, basket with chips (BARONESS)Notecard, rule booklet, shopping bag (OFFICER BOB)Putter (DONNA)Bendable magic wand (GANDALDORE)Shopping bags (COSPLAYERS, GNUT, MACHU PICCHU)Rehearsal blocks, foam floor pads, pool noodles (COSPLAYERS)Nachos (SASHA)Phone (DARKNESS)

ACT TWOScene One:

Notecard (BARONESS)Phone, cash (DARKNESS)Broom, dustpan, yellow rubber glove (ALONZO)

Scene Two:Nachos (SASHA)Photographs (DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, CANKER)Hand mirror, phone (DARKNESS)Putter, yellow rubber glove, armor (DONNA)Cash (ALONZO)Tiara (PUDDLES)Tiara (BARONESS)

Scene Three:Putter (DONNA)Bendable wand (GANDALDORE)

Scene Four:Satchel with Golden Age of Spaincraft book (SASHA)Colorful sock, putter (GANDALDORE)Bullhorn (OFFICER BOB)Fez, scarf, coat (ALONZO)

THE WALLOPING WINDMILLThe Walloping Windmill may be as simple as a free-standing plywood cut-out windmill with blades that are held on by Velcro for easy removal and repair.

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GIRL OF LA MANCHA

ACT ONEScene One

LIGHTS UP: The entrance hallway of La Mancha Mall, played in front of the curtain. OFFICER BOB ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a bullhorn. He stops CENTER.OFFICER BOB: (To self.) Oh, boy. I hope the mall owners know what

they’re doing. Things could get out of control, really fast. (Crosses all the way LEFT. Speaks OFF LEFT through the bullhorn.) Uh, may I have your attention please? Everybody? I’m about to unlock the door, so could you step back just a bit? (Waits.) A little more? Thank you. On behalf of La Mancha Mall, I want to welcome you to our first annual Cosplay Con. (OFFSTAGE cheers.) La Mancha Mall is proud to be… proud to be… (Pulls out a notecard. Reads.) La Mancha Mall is proud to be the kid-friendly, fun-for-all, one-stop shopping and amusement mall for all the grandchildren of the old people who moved to La Mancha when they retired. (Stops reading.) Guys? Please respect the rules of cosplay. (Reads the card.) Fantasy weapons must NOT be able to actually hurt anyone. (OFFSTAGE cheers.) Ask first if you want to take a cosplayer’s picture. (OFFSTAGE cheers.) Costumes must not be too revealing. (OFFSTAGE groans. Reads.) Oh, and Baroness Burrito is offering all costumed shoppers a twenty percent discount on nachos at the food court. (OFFSTAGE cheers. OFFICER BOB lowers the bullhorn. To self.) Okay, here goes. (Mimes unlocking a door at the edge of the stage LEFT and is immediately knocked over by a surge of excited COSPLAYERS, who ENTER LEFT, cross, and run OFF RIGHT. OFFICER BOB stands, brushes himself off. Waves after them.) Have fun. Be safe. (EXITS RIGHT.)

SASHA: (ENTERS LEFT. Calls OFF.) Come on, Donna! Everybody else is already here.

DONNA: (Shuffles ON LEFT.) Can I help it if I had a wardrobe malfunction getting out of the car?

SASHA: There you go, exaggerating again. An untied shoelace does not count as a wardrobe malfunction.

DONNA: It does if it makes you trip and split a seam on your pants. (Indicates a small but noticeable tear in the side seam of her pants.)

SASHA: (Looks.) Oh. Okay. Minor wardrobe malfunction.DONNA: But am I going to let a little tear like that rip the wind from

my sails?SASHA: No?DONNA: Of course not.

from the book.) When we are crippled by doubt and cynicism, let us follow the one who trusts in things unseen, who inspires hope when we fall into despair. (Stops reciting.) I want to follow someone like that. (Kneels and extends a hand to DONNA.) I, Don Machismo de la Chimichanga, nominate a knight most valiant, most courageous, most kind and caring, to lead the parade… Donna Quixote de La Mancha!

COSPLAYERS: (Cheer.) Donna Quixote de La Mancha! (Lead DONNA up onto the stage.)

ALONZO: (Stands and offers the Vulcan hand sign to DONNA.) Live long and prosper.

COSPLAYERS: Live long and prosper!BARONESS: Kneel, Donna Quixote. (DONNA kneels. GANDALDORE

hands the putter to BARONESS.) I, Baroness Burrito, by the power invested in me as the official small business sponsor of the La Mancha Mall Cosplay Con, hereby dub thee knight of the realm and marshal of our parade. (Taps the putter handle on DONNA’S right, left, and then right shoulder.) Rise, Sir Knight! (SASHA and PUDDLES help DONNA stand. She turns to the COSPLAYERS and waves shyly. BARONESS hands her the putter.)

DONNA: Okay. Wow. Well, let’s all march around the food court in a circle and then head out into the mall. What do you say?

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah!DONNA: Okay, then. (Points.) Engage. (OPTIONAL Parade/Curtain

Call MUSIC. DONNA steps down from the platform stage and starts walking in a wide circle, followed by SASHA and PUDDLES, DARKNESS and SIMON, OBSIDIAN and CANKER, GNUT and MACHU PICCHU, BARONESS and GANDALDORE, and the remaining COSPLAYERS, two by two.)

OFFICER BOB: (Still on the platform. Uses the bullhorn.) There you go. Move along. Move along. That’s great, everybody. (ALL ignore him. Lowers the bullhorn.) Right. (The costume parade becomes the CURTAIN CALL.)

END OF PLAY

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SASHA: Until it gets bigger.DONNA: Sasha! You’re such a pessimist. No one will even notice.SASHA: If you say so. (Points at DONNA’S shoe.) Maybe you’d better

tie that lace.DONNA: Oops. You’re right. Wouldn’t want to have another mishap.

(Kneels down and ties her shoe. SIMON and PUDDLES ENTER LEFT.)SIMON: (To DONNA.) I see you brought your own air conditioning.

(DONNA stands and turns.)PUDDLES: Burn! (Gives SIMON a high five.)SASHA: Oh, hey, Simon. What? No costume? Or are you too cool

for cosplay?SIMON: I’m comfortable with who I am. I don’t need to dress up like

some wannabe and pretend I’m someone else. Cosplay is for freaks and geeks.

PUDDLES: Yeah! You tell ’em, Simon.DONNA: There’s nothing wrong with wearing costumes. It stimulates

the imagination.SIMON: One of these days, someone is going to give you a big dose of

reality, Donna. It’s a lesson you’ll never forget.DONNA: Reality? You can have it.SASHA: Don’t get her started. Unless you want to hear the whole speech.DONNA: What’s real is honor. And charity and compassion and

forgiveness.SASHA: Here we go. There’ll be no stopping her now.DONNA: There’s more to truth than this material world, Simon. How

about honesty? And… I don’t know… general overall niceness?SIMON: Sentimental nonsense. All emotion is just chemical reactions.

Hormones and enzymes and proteins and stuff.SASHA: (To PUDDLES.) Those two are eerily alike—for opposites.PUDDLES: Neither one can resist a soapbox. I want to go to the food

court. What’s it going to take to get them to stop?SASHA: Haven’t a clue.DONNA: And what of modesty?SIMON: Intangible. Imaginary. Unlike your ripped pants.DONNA: Why, you…SIMON: Bring it on, weirdo. (DARKNESS ENTERS LEFT, followed by

OBSIDIAN and CANKER. DONNA and SIMON stop, mid-fingerpointing.)DARKNESS: (Looks SIMON up and down.) Loser. (Looks DONNA up and

down.) Pathetic. (EXITS RIGHT.)

DONNA: (Gives a sweeping bow.) It will be my honor.OFFICER BOB: (On the platform stage. Uses the bullhorn.) Guys?

Cosplayers? May I have your attention please? (The COSPLAYERS gather around the stage, leaving the DOWNSTAGE area open.) Thanks. So, we’re going to have our Cosplay Con costume parade here in a minute. We’re going to start here at the food court, and march around the entire mall, then rendezvous back here. I know the mall looks small from the parking lot, but it’s larger on the inside than you’d expect. I don’t want anyone wandering off. Make sure there’s plenty of space between you, so the shoppers can see how great you all look. But stay close together, so the parade stays orderly and organized.

GNUT: (Raises a hand.) Officer Bob? How are we supposed to keep our distance and stay close at the same time?

OFFICER BOB: Oh. Well, I’m not sure. That’s a good question, Billy.GNUT: I am Gnut.OFFICER BOB: Gnut. Right. Sorry. I don’t know. I guess we’ll figure it

out as we go.GANDALDORE: (Shouts.) How about if someone leads us?BARONESS: Right! We need to designate an honorary marshal for the

costume parade.OFFICER BOB: Well, sure. I guess I could do that.BARONESS: Not you, Officer Bob. Someone we all respect.GANDALDORE: We need a person who exemplifies the power

of the imagination. (ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a fez, long scarf, coat, and perhaps other “Doctor Who” costume accessories over his busboy uniform. He climbs up on the stage and is joined by PUDDLES and SASHA. SASHA holds The Golden Age of Spaincraft book.)

COSPLAYER ONE: It’s the Doctor!COSPLAYER TWO: Doctor who?COSPLAYER ONE: Exactly.COSPLAYER TWO: No, who’s the doctor?COSPLAYER ONE: Right again.ALONZO: We need someone worthy to show us the way. Someone

who seeks honor and goodness. A bright, um, a bright spark in a dark world. (Looks at SASHA, who periodically cues him from the book. He gradually gains confidence.) A servant of peace. We need a leader who faces hatred and plants seeds of love. (Looks at DONNA.) Who extends forgiveness to those who have harmed her. (To the COSPLAYERS. Again, cued by SASHA whispering

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OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Hurry after DARKNESS.) Losers. Pathetic. (EXIT RIGHT. DONNA and SIMON deflate.)

SIMON: Yeah, whatever. C’mon, Puddles. Let’s go.PUDDLES: We could check out the food court. I hear they’re having a

discount on nachos.SASHA: Yeah, but only for people in costume.SIMON: Discounts are stupid. Who needs ’em? Let’s go. (Crosses RIGHT.)PUDDLES: I do. (Gives a feeble wave to SASHA and DONNA.) See ya.SIMON: (Shouts.) Puddles! Are you coming?PUDDLES: (To DONNA and SASHA.) I hate that nickname. One little

accident in first grade, and I’m marked for life.DONNA: You can reclaim your honor if you stand up for what’s right.PUDDLES: Nah. Simon will never let me live it down. I kinda ruined his

Spider-Man backpack.SIMON: (Shouts.) Puddles!PUDDLES: Gotta go. (Crosses RIGHT and EXITS RIGHT with SIMON.)SASHA: Shall we head over to the food court too? Or do you have

some other noble quest in mind?DONNA: Actually, last night I got a call from Tad over at Tad Gamey’s

Game Shop. He found an old, out-of-print copy of The Golden Age of Spaincraft. It’s like the holy grail of RPG books.

SASHA: Yeah, but if you pick it up now, you’ll have to lug it all over the Cosplay Con.

DONNA: I can’t take the chance that someone else will buy it. I live for The Golden Age of Spaincraft. You know that. Sure. (Recites.) Because The Golden Age of Spaincraft is more than just a role-playing game…

DONNA/SASHA: It’s a way of life! (EXIT RIGHT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP on Tad Gamey’s Game Shop. There’s a tall bookshelf full of games and gaming books. A ladder is behind the bookshelf. Two COSPLAYERS complete a transaction at the counter. The cashier, MACHU PICCHU, hands them a bag.MACHU PICCHU: Thank you for visiting Ted Gamey’s Game Shop.

Please come again. But go. Now.COSPLAYER ONE: (Ignores her. Looks in the bag.) How come dice

with five sides cost twice as much as the ones with six sides?

DONNA: Okay.PUDDLES: I like that last part the best. (DARKNESS and SIMON cross

to DONNA. GNUT and MACHU PICCHU follow.)SIMON: Sorry about yelling at you and stuff, Donna.DONNA: It’s okay. Just remember that I have friends. Big friends.GNUT: (Puts his hand on SIMON’S shoulder.) How’s it going?DONNA: And small.MACHU PICCHU: (Makes her hands into claws.) Rowr!PUDDLES: And lionhearted! (Poses.)SIMON: Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. I’ll play nice.DONNA: And that’s something you should remember too, Darkness.DARKNESS: I’m not going to apologize, if that’s what you mean.DONNA: I wouldn’t believe you if you did. But I do believe that I will

challenge you to a duel.DARKNESS: (Scoffs.) A duel?SASHA: Oh, no. You don’t still think you’re a knight, do you?DONNA: I challenge you to Noodle Combat: Balance of Power. Best two

out of three rounds wins. And let me warn you. I’ve been practicing.DARKNESS: In these shoes? I wouldn’t stand a chance! (Looks to

SIMON for support.) Simon?SIMON: What would everyone think if you back down?DARKNESS: What would everyone think if she beats me?DONNA: Oh, I will. Count on it.DARKNESS: But it’s not fair. I’ve never touched a noodle in my life!SIMON: Consider it a new experience… Mindy.DARKNESS: What if she hits me? It might hurt.SASHA: (Mocks.) Pain is truth.PUDDLES: Noodles are harmless. (The OTHERS look at him.) Uh, let

me try that again. Um… No, I got nothing. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER ENTER LEFT.)

OBSIDIAN: Hey, you guys. Have you seen the baby guinea pigs at the pet store?

CANKER: Too cute! Someday I’m going to marry a farmer and raise real pigs.

OBSIDIAN: Me, too!CANKER: And baby goats.OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (To each other.) Baa! Baa! (They laugh.)DARKNESS: (Looks at them. To DONNA.) You know what? Fine. Whack

me with a noodle. Just put me out of my misery.

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Shouldn’t they be less? (The COSPLAYERS slowly wander LEFT away from the counter.)

COSPLAYER TWO: And a ten-sided die costs three times as much!COSPLAYER ONE: (Pause.) Math isn’t fair.COSPLAYER TWO: (Thinks.) And another thing.COSPLAYER ONE: What?COSPLAYER TWO: If you have two they’re called “dice,” but if you have

only one, it’s a “die,” right?COSPLAYER ONE: Right.COSPLAYER TWO: So how come it’s “mice” and “mouse”? Shouldn’t

it be mice and “mie”? (They think.)COSPLAYER ONE: Wow.COSPLAYER TWO: I know, right? Weird. (They EXIT LEFT.)MACHU PICCHU: (Paces in front of the bookshelf. Stops, pulls out a

phone, looks at it, and shrieks.) Eek! Tad, where are you? I’m late. I’m late. For a very important date— (Cat pose.) —at the pet store. (DONNA and SASHA ENTER LEFT.) Sorry, we’re just closing up. I’ve got an appointment with a Viking barbarian.

DONNA: Is Tad here?MACHU PICCHU: No. Three Princess Leias in slave girl costumes

walked by, and he took off at hyperspeed. He said he’d be right back, but that was a long time ago. The slug.

DONNA: Did he leave something here for me? Donna Mitchell? It’s an out-of-print copy of The Golden Age of Spaincraft RPG book.

MACHU PICCHU: I didn’t see anything behind the counter. Of course, I can’t see very well in my feline form. (Cat pose.)

SASHA: We’ll just have to wait until he comes back.MACHU PICCHU: You can’t! I’m closing up the shop. He’ll re-open if he

ever returns from his galaxy, far, far away.SASHA: Is it okay if we just look around?MACHU PICCHU: (Sighs.) I guess so. Just make it snappy, okay?SASHA: I’ll look behind the counter.MACHU PICCHU: There’s nothing back there. And I’ve already locked

up the register.DONNA: That’s okay. I brought exact change. (Looks around, spots

something on top of the top of the bookshelf.) Could it be? I think it might be up on top of this bookcase.

MACHU PICCHU: Oh, that’s right. Tad said something about keeping something valuable out of reach of the grubby little Ewoks. Being of diminutive size and just as furry, I took offense.

SIMON: Poser. (They smile and join the COSPLAYERS. OFFICER BOB ENTERS RIGHT.)

BARONESS: There you are, Officer Bob. Are you ready for the parade?OFFICER BOB: Yeah, I’ve got a situation with a missing cosplayer, but

I’m not too worried. I’m thinking she’s here with the others.BARONESS: This Cosplay Con turned out to be pretty successful.OFFICER BOB: It sure did. The kids are having good clean fun and are,

for the most part, staying out of trouble.BARONESS: Plus sales are way, way up.OFFICER BOB: It’s been a bit stressful, though, I have to admit.BARONESS: I think we should have a Cosplay Con every year.

Only bigger!OFFICER BOB: What? Oh, boy. I have a bad feeling about this.BARONESS: Oh, it won’t be nearly so much work next year. Why don’t

you help yourself to some nachos? On the house.OFFICER BOB: Really? (Thinks.) Sorry. No can do. I’m on duty.

(Straightens his uniform, mingles with the COSPLAYERS, and looks for DONNA. BARONESS rejoins the COSPLAYERS.)

DONNA: (ENTERS RIGHT with GANDALDORE.) I’m a little nervous. Everyone must think I’m a total geek.

GANDALDORE: Would that be such a bad thing?DONNA: I guess not. Because it’s kind of the truth.GANDALDORE: Just be yourself, find a few true friends, live your life,

and make beautiful memories. There’s no magic to it.DONNA: Says the wise and powerful wizard.GANDALDORE: (Confides.) Says the working mom who still carries one

of Simon’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle socks around with her as a reminder of who I really am. (Holds up an adorable sock and waggles it.)

DONNA: That was Simon’s?GANDALDORE: (Gazes at it fondly.) Yes. (Kisses the sock and puts it

away.) Try not to grow up too fast, okay, sir knight?DONNA: Okay. (SASHA ENTERS RIGHT with PUDDLES. They see DONNA

and run to her. GANDALDORE and DONNA exchange a high five. GANDALDORE joins the crowd and talks with BARONESS.)

SASHA: Donna! Are you all right?DONNA: Much better, thanks. (To PUDDLES.) Hey, Puddles.SASHA: (Corrects her.) It’s Richard. The Lionhearted. (PUDDLES strikes

a pose.) My boyfriend. (He jumps up and down with excitement, or performs a touchdown “victory” pose.)

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DONNA: There’s a ladder here behind the bookshelf.SASHA: Be careful, Donna. You don’t want to fall. (To MACHU PICCHU.)

She tends to be a little clumsy sometimes.MACHU PICCHU: I understand. There’s a little bit of “ugly duckling” in

all of us, isn’t there? (Cat pose.) Just waiting for our true beauty to unfold. (DONNA moves behind the bookshelf.)

SASHA: Do you want me to hold the ladder for you?DONNA: (Appears above the shelf and sees the book.) I’ve got it! I can’t

believe it. At last! The Golden Age of Spaincraft. The treasure is mine! All mine! (Makes a trumpet fanfare sound as she descends the ladder and disappears behind the shelf.) Bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa!

SASHA: Hey, your shoelace came untied again!DONNA: What?SASHA: Look out!DONNA: (Falls, sprawling onto the floor and tossing the book into the

air.) Oof!MACHU PICCHU: (Rushes to DONNA’S side.) Hey, are you okay? That

was a nasty fall.SASHA: I think she’s unconscious.DONNA: (Groans, holding her head.) Ohhhh.MACHU PICCHU: You’re not going to sue us, are you?SASHA: Donna. Speak to me.MACHU PICCHU: ’Cause you can have the book for free, if you promise

not to sue.DONNA: (Dazed.) My crown. My crown.SASHA: Your crown? What are you talking about?MACHU PICCHU: Maybe it’s a Jack and Jill thing? (To DONNA.) You

know, you really shouldn’t have gone up that ladder if you don’t work here. Just don’t sue us, okay?

DONNA: (Sits up suddenly, startling them.) Litigation? Perish the thought!MACHU PICCHU: Oh, good. Because it was kind of your fault for

getting on that ladder and everything.SASHA: Let me help you up.DONNA: Thank you kindly, Sasha, but I do not require assistance.

(Stands, wobbles, and sinks to a sitting position.) Huff!SASHA: Let’s try again. Slower this time. (They help DONNA to her

feet.) Are you hurt?DONNA: I’ve suffered injuries worse than these. What do minor flesh

wounds matter to a knight-errant?

SASHA: You’re adorable. But that’s not the point right now.PUDDLES: I’m adorable! (Drops to one knee, arms open wide.) Thank

you! You have validated my entire existence!SASHA: (Ruffles his hair with affection. Stops herself.) Don’t get me

sidetracked. Wait a minute. That gives me an idea. (To ALONZO.) Do you really want to help Donna?

ALONZO: I’ll do anything. I’ll even eat a bug.PUDDLES: (Pause.) Okay. And how would that help?ALONZO: I don’t know. It’s the first thing I could think of.SASHA: I’m sure she’d appreciate the gesture, but I’ve got a better

idea. “Allons-y,” Alonzo. (SASHA, ALONZO, and PUDDLES form a huddle and whisper for a few seconds. SASHA pulls The Golden Age of Spaincraft book from her satchel. They break the huddle and EXIT RIGHT. DARKNESS and SIMON ENTER LEFT.)

DARKNESS: I don’t know why I did that to Donna. She’s totally incapable of defending herself. Sometimes I get so mad, I just want to hurt someone.

SIMON: I’ve got anger issues too. I’m frustrated because I’m not really good at anything. I’m not super smart like Alonzo, and I’m not a great athlete like Billy.

DARKNESS: Who?SIMON: (Gestures.) Gnut the Viking barbarian. And his girlfriend

Anastasia, the cat girl, destroys me every year in the spelling bee. I’m just not, I don’t know, special in any way.

DARKNESS: Oh, I don’t know. I think you’re perfect.SIMON: You do?DARKNESS: Sure. You’re the perfect example of middle class

suburban mediocrity.SIMON: Wow. And I thought I was just an underachiever.DARKNESS: You know, you are kind of cute, in a pathetic sort of way.SIMON: I can live with that.DARKNESS: Maybe I’ll give up being the Queen of Darkness and

Despair and just be a boring and mundane muggle for a while. Like you.

SIMON: You might learn to like it. What do you say, Mindy? After the parade we can eat nachos and play some mini golf?

DARKNESS: Yeah. I think I’d like that… Pitch.SIMON: Oh, right. I keep forgetting I’m wearing a costume. (Stands tall

and offers his hand. She takes it.)DARKNESS: Loser.

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MACHU PICCHU: I think maybe she hit her head.SASHA: Donna? Do you know who I am?DONNA: But of course. You are my faithful servant and squire,

Sasha Pasta!SASHA: Well, close enough.MACHU PICCHU: Your last name is Pasta?SASHA: No, it’s Capellini. Pasta was kind of a childhood nickname, but

I’ve lost some weight since then.MACHU PICCHU: Ugly ducklings. Am I right? Waiting for our true beauty

to unfold. Hey, listen, if you two are okay, I’d really like to close the store. (Points to the book.) Is that the book you were looking for?

DONNA: The Golden Age of Spaincraft. Indeed it is, young furry person. (Bows.) Many thanks. Many thanks, indeed.

MACHU PICCHU: Great. So if you could just step outside, I’ll lock the door and get over to the pet store for my, uh, appointment.

SASHA: With the Viking barbarian. (SASHA and MACHU PICCHU high-five.) You go, girl!

DONNA: But what of your remuneration for the golden tome?MACHU PICCHU: Oh, like I said. It’s a freebie. On me. Well, actually,

on you, but let’s not go into that again. (Pushes them away.)DONNA: No, no. You must be compensated for your service, my fine,

furry friend. (Gives MACHU PICCHU the money.)MACHU PICCHU: (Takes it.) Okay, bye. (Shuffles them towards the

door, LEFT.)SASHA: (To DONNA.) Are you sure you’re all right? You sound kind

of funny.DONNA: I assure you, faithful friend and compadre, I am quite unharmed.SASHA: Okay, now I’m just a little bit worried. Can you tell me your name?DONNA: Why, of course. It’s a name known throughout the realm. For

there can be no other but the one, true… (Strikes a pose.) Donna Quixote de La Mancha!

SASHA: Oh, dear. (They EXIT LEFT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. CURTAIN.)End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: The hallway outside Jockland Sporting Goods, played in front of the curtain. There’s a sign STAGE RIGHT with the store name, indicating the entrance. TWO COSPLAYERS ENTER RIGHT from the store, carrying armloads of colorful pool noodles.COSPLAYER ONE: Do you think this will be enough?

GANDALDORE: (Puts a hand on her shoulder.) If you don’t finish your quest, you won’t know how the adventure ends.

DONNA: (Brightens.) You know, you’re right. Forward ho! (EXITS RIGHT.)GANDALDORE: Wait for me! (Picks up the putter, and follows her OFF

RIGHT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP: The food court. GNUT, MACHU PICCHU, BARONESS, and the COSPLAYERS mill about. ALONZO approaches PUDDLES and SASHA.ALONZO: You’re Donna’s friends, right?PUDDLES: I’m hoping to be.SASHA: She and I are BFFs. Even more than that. I’m her squire. And

proud of it.ALONZO: Well, you know I did a terrible thing.PUDDLES: Yeah, you hacked her phone.SASHA: And handed her personal life over to her worst enemy.ALONZO: You can’t know how sorry I am. But I honestly thought I

was helping.PUDDLES: Well, your help may have helped cause Donna to have some

kind of a breakdown.ALONZO: Tell me what I should do.SASHA: She’s got a crush on you. You know that, right? And you

betrayed her.ALONZO: Me?SASHA: Every week she makes us walk around outside the room

where the Math Club meets after school.ALONZO: I never saw her.SASHA: She was too shy to go inside. Plus, she’s terrible at math. She

wouldn’t fit in with your crowd.ALONZO: I could help her with her math homework.PUDDLES: Right now, her biggest problem probably isn’t tribblenometry.ALONZO: Wait a minute. She likes me?SASHA: Earth to Alonzo! Yes, she likes you. A lot. She’s just intimidated

because you’re…ALONZO: A genius?SASHA: No! Because you’re cute! Geez, what does it take to get

through to a guy?PUDDLES: (To SASHA.) Do you think I’m cute?

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COSPLAYER TWO: Better too many than not enough.COSPLAYER ONE: Yeah, but these things are indestructible.COSPLAYER TWO: Have you ever played Noodle Combat: Balance

of Power?COSPLAYER ONE: No.COSPLAYER TWO: Trust me. You can never have too many noodles.COSPLAYER ONE: Oh, wait. Let me make sure I have my receipt. (In

a bit of comic business, COSPLAYER ONE shifts pool noodles to COSPLAYER TWO and produces a receipt.) Got it.

COSPLAYER TWO: Good. Now take back your noodles.COSPLAYER ONE: See you later! (Laughs and EXITS LEFT.)COSPLAYER TWO: Laugh it up, fuzzball. I’ll get you back later. (EXITS

LEFT with noodles as DONNA strides ON LEFT, carrying the book.)SASHA: (Runs ON LEFT, trying to catch DONNA.) I really think you

should go to the first aid office and have the paramedic check you out. You could have a concussion or something.

DONNA: I assure you, Sasha, I am perfectly hale and hearty. And must I remind you again that it is not the place of a squire to lecture her knight?

SASHA: Yeah, about this “squire” thing…DONNA: (Stops suddenly. SASHA bumps into her. ) Halt!SASHA: What? What is it?DONNA: (Refers to the sign.) The Armory! (Hands SASHA the book.) A

knight must have weapons before going on a quest.SASHA: Weapons? You know the cosplay rule. Nothing that can

actually harm someone. And since when are we on a quest? (Thinks.) Oh, I get it. This is a Golden Age of Spaincraft thing. You get the guidebook, and you can’t wait to play. But you know role playing games and cosplay are two different things.

DONNA: (Poses.) All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

SASHA: Quoting Shakespeare? Now I know you’re not okay.DONNA: They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his

time plays many parts.SASHA: Why don’t you wait right here? I’m going to get some help.

(Puts the book in her satchel.)DONNA: The play’s the thing…SASHA: Don’t go anywhere. Please. Wait here. (EXITS LEFT.)DONNA: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! (EXITS RIGHT.

SIMON ENTERS LEFT, followed by PUDDLES.)

GANDALDORE: That cheap thing? No, honey, you didn’t break it. You just sort of knocked the blades off. They pop right back on. No harm done.

DONNA: Still, I shouldn’t have done it.GANDALDORE: You got carried away, that’s all. And so did I. Did I

scare you?DONNA: You’re a pretty fearsome wizard.GANDALDORE: And you came back anyway?DONNA: (Shrugs.) I wanted to make things right.GANDALDORE: Well, that was a very brave thing you did. And honorable.

You don’t need to be scared of me, honey. Look. (Removes her hat, wig, and beard.)

DONNA: (Recognizes.) Mrs. Carrasco?GANDALDORE: That’s right.DONNA: Does Simon know you work here?GANDALDORE: Sure, but he’s embarrassed to admit it, so he ignores

me. I took this job part time to earn a little extra money. With all my kids at school during the day, I was feeling bored. Needed a little excitement.

DONNA: Well, I guess I gave you that!GANDALDORE: (Laughs.) You sure did. (Extends her arms.) Here, let

me give you a hug. (DONNA steps forward. GANDALDORE embraces her.) Everything’s going to be all right. Has my son been giving you a hard time?

DONNA: He was, but then a Viking barbarian sort of stepped in.GANDALDORE: A Viking barbarian?DONNA: And a cat girl.GANDALDORE: Well, it serves him right. Are you feeling a little

better now?DONNA: I think so.GANDALDORE: Then maybe you should join your friends. The costume

parade is about to begin.DONNA: I’m not sure I could face them. I sort of made a fool out

of myself.GANDALDORE: Nonsense. It’s Cosplay Con. There are no fools here.

How about if I come with you? (Puts on her wig, hat, and beard.) And if that boy of mine gives you any guff, he’ll have to answer to the Great Gandaldore!

DONNA: I don’t know.

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PUDDLES: I told you, only people in costume get the discount on nachos.

SIMON: Costumes are for losers and wannabes.PUDDLES: (Looks around.) What are we doing here? Do you need

sports equipment?SIMON: I was thinking about getting a new [Insert name of a popular

football player here.] jersey. Makes me feel like a winner wearing the [Insert team colors or player’s number].

PUDDLES: Wait a minute. You think costumes are stupid, but you want to dress up like [Insert popular football player’s name here.]?

SIMON: Wearing his jersey is not the same thing as dressing up like him. Everybody does it.

PUDDLES: But that’s his name. His number. You want to be like him?SIMON: Well, sure. He’s a winner. He’s my hero.PUDDLES: So how is that different from the cosplayers dressing up

like their heroes? They’re fans, like you. Just not sports fans.SIMON: It’s not the same thing, so shut up.PUDDLES: (Mumbles.) It is the same thing.SIMON: I heard that.PUDDLES: Tell you what. You put on the football jersey, and I’ll wear

a referee shirt and a whistle. Then let’s see if it gets us a twenty percent discount on nachos.

SIMON: No.PUDDLES: Why not?SIMON: I don’t want to.PUDDLES: Afraid we might?SIMON: No. So shut up, Puddles.DARKNESS: (ENTERS LEFT with OBSIDIAN and CANKER.) Well, if

it isn’t a couple of extra-large athletic supporters, standing outside Jockland.

SIMON: Nobody asked you… (Mocks.) …Darkness.OBSIDIAN: Boys and their toys. Right, Canker?CANKER: Right, Obsidian. (They perform an emo version of a high five.)SIMON: What is wrong with this world? Everybody wants to be

someone they’re not. Darkness? Obsidian? Canker? Those aren’t even real names.

DARKNESS: Names are just arbitrary labels. Darkness is a reflection of my true, inner being. Having shunned the crass commercialism and mind-muddling materialism of the mall-crawler world, I have plumbed the depths of my deepest self and found only…

SASHA: (To PUDDLES.) We can search near Jockland. (Points to the armor.) I can return these.

PUDDLES: Sounds good. (SASHA and PUDDLES EXIT RIGHT. OBSIDIAN and CANKER are alone.)

OBSIDIAN: So where do we go?CANKER: How should I know? I’m used to following.OBSIDIAN: (Thinks.) We could check out the pet store.CANKER: Yeah! And if we don’t find Donna, we can still play with the

animals.OBSIDIAN: I’ve heard they have baby guinea pigs.CANKER: Really? I love baby guinea pigs!OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Imitate baby guinea pigs.) Reet! Reet! (EXIT LEFT.

LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

CURTAIN UP on Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf. GANDALDORE inspects the newly-repaired windmill. DONNA ENTERS LEFT, carrying the putter.GANDALDORE: There. Good as new. Teenage vandals. They go around

wrecking things and never consider the consequences. (Sees DONNA. Assumes her wizard character.) A-ha! ’Tis you! Coming back for more mischief? (Pulls out her wand.) Well, by Grabthar’s Holy Hammer, you shall not pass!

DONNA: I just came to return the putter. And to apologize for smashing your windmill.

GANDALDORE: Nay, I shall not fall for such a ruse. What bedevilment do you intend?

DONNA: See, I got hit on the head and was confused for a while. I really am sorry. I’ll pay for any damages. Or maybe I can work it off.

GANDALDORE: (Falters.) What mischief is this, knight?DONNA: No mischief. No knight. Just me. (Hangs her head.)GANDALDORE: (Lowers wand, drops character.) Oh, honey, are you okay?DONNA: (In tears.) I don’t know.GANDALDORE: (Crosses to DONNA.) What happened? You were having

so much fun.DONNA: Was I?GANDALDORE: Sure. It’s the Cosplay Con. Everyone dresses up and

acts silly.DONNA: But I broke your windmill.

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OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Whisper. Pose.) Darkness.PUDDLES: Okay, that’s disturbing. (To OBSIDIAN.) And why are you

Obsidian? Do you collect igneous rocks?OBSIDIAN: No. Obsidian is darker than dark, blacker than black.CANKER: Plus, it’s shiny.OBSIDIAN: Yeah. I like shiny.OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Whisper. Pose.) Shiny.SIMON: (To CANKER.) What about you, Canker?CANKER: One Halloween I ate too much candy and got a canker sore

on my tongue. Candy is good. But it caused me pain. Ergo…OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Whisper. Pose.) Pain. Pain is good. Canker is truth.SIMON: (To DARKNESS.) I think your wannabes are trying a little

too hard.DARKNESS: I know. As minions, they are insufferable. But I must

tolerate them. They are drawn to the… (Whisper. Pose.) Darkness.SIMON: You weren’t so dark when you were freckle-faced Mindy

Leibowitz in the third grade. Don’t forget, I knew you then.DARKNESS: Mindy Leibowitz is gone. She has been swallowed up

by… Darkness.SIMON: (Looks closely at her face.) Yeah, well the freckles haven’t been

swallowed up by your clown makeup.DARKNESS: Ugh! Don’t remind me.SIMON: What you need is a good dose of reality to set you straight.DARKNESS: And you think you know what is real?SIMON: Sure. It’s not that hard. Just look around. Reality is all around

us, all the time.DONNA: (ENTERS RIGHT. She’s added a bright bicycle helmet, plus

football shoulder, elbow, and knee pads to her costume, along with tall fishing boots. These items become a part of her costume until she removes them in ACT TWO. She carries a hockey stick, which she jabs onto the floor like a staff as she strikes a pose and calls.) Sasha! Squire! Come hither!

PUDDLES/OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Open-mouthed.) Wow!DARKNESS: Reality indeed.DONNA: Sasha! Where is that worthless servant?DARKNESS: (Points at DONNA. To SIMON.) Don’t lecture me about

reality, not with that walking around.SIMON: I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you a bet. If I can get Donna here

to act normally, then for one day you have to shed the whole “Darkness” persona and go on a normal date with me.

SIMON: She’s probably off doing her quest-thing somewhere.OFFICER BOB: Richard?PUDDLES: I haven’t seen her, Officer Bob.OFFICER BOB: Well, if you do, let me know right away. For her own

well-being.SIMON: Will do. (DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT. They

are dressed as cheerleaders, though they still have their goth/emo makeup on, and maybe even their boots or black shoes.) Mindy? Is that you?

DARKNESS: I guess so.SIMON: What are you doing? I thought you won the bet.DARKNESS: You were wrong. Donna has looked into the mirror

and found… darkness. (Does a half-hearted cheerleader pose. Monotone.) Hooray.

OBSIDIAN: (Another twisted cheerleader pose.) Truth is pain!CANKER: (Another exaggerated cheerleader pose.) Disillusionment

is delicious!SIMON: Well, I like seeing you dressed like this. (Leans forward.) I can

barely see your freckles, though.DARKNESS: (Another pose. Sarcastic.) Let’s hear it for seeing things

the way they really are. (Feeble cheerleader routine.) Rah, rah, ree, give me reality!

OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Cheerleader pose with kicks and jumps. They actually get into it.) No more illusions, no more delusions, no more lies, ’cause everyone dies! (Pose.) Yeah!

OFFICER BOB: (Pause.) That’s nice. We’re looking for Donna. She’s gone missing. Again.

DARKNESS: That kid took a detour a long time ago.PUDDLES: (To SASHA.) I want to help find her, if I can.SASHA: Thanks, Richard.OFFICER BOB: All right, then. Let’s all split up and check the entire

mall. We’ll meet back here in ten minutes. I have to help with crowd control for the parade, and she might come back on her own. (EXITS LEFT.)

SIMON: (To DARKNESS.) Let’s check out the game shop. You can fill me in on what happened with Donna and our bet.

DARKNESS: You know, you look pretty good, Pitch. I may have done you and the world of fashion a favor.

SIMON: Really?DARKNESS: No. (EXITS LEFT. SIMON follows.)

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DARKNESS: (Falters.) A date? You want to take me on a date?SIMON: I want to take Mindy on a date. I’ve always liked her. You. But

this Darkness thing is a total buzzkill.OBSIDIAN: What makes you think Darkness would want to go out on

a date with you?CANKER: Yeah. You’re so… so… mundane!PUDDLES: Simon, no one could make Donna normal. It’s impossible.

You’re dreaming.SIMON: So, it’s an impossible dream. I like a challenge. And the Mindy

that I used to know is worth the effort.DARKNESS: (Flustered.) I don’t know what to say.OBSIDIAN: Tell him to forget it.CANKER: We look up to you. (To PUDDLES.) If she turns her back on

the Darkness… (Shrugs.) …then she’ll see the light?DONNA: Sasha? Where are you? (Sinks to her knees.) A knight without

a squire is a lonely thing.DARKNESS: (To SIMON.) I accept your wager. If you can make Donna

act like a normal human being, I’ll stop being Darkness for one day and go back to being Mindy.

SIMON: And go out with me. Dinner at the food court and a round of mini golf.

OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Groan.) Ugh!DARKNESS: But if you fail, you must shed your stupid football jersey,

dress all in black, mousse your hair straight up, and go by the name of… “Pitch.”

PUDDLES: Don’t do it, Simon.DARKNESS: (Refers to PUDDLES.) And your little dog, too. We’ll call

him “Coal.”OBSIDIAN: Pitch and Coal. (Makes a very un-emo sound.) Snort.CANKER: I like it! (Recovers emo poise.) I mean, I hate it.SIMON: (Extends a hand.) Deal.DARKNESS: (Shakes his hand.) Deal.SIMON: (Softens.) Mindy.DARKNESS: (Mocks.) Pitch. (Snatches hand away. Waves.) Come on,

minions. (EXITS LEFT, followed by OBSIDIAN and CANKER.)PUDDLES: See ya, ladies. (To SIMON.) Well, that was… uh… nice.SIMON: (Watches DONNA and thinks.) Hmmm. Let’s go, Puddles. I’ve

got to strategize. (EXITS LEFT, followed by PUDDLES.)CLERK: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed in a referee shirt with a whistle around

his neck. Sees DONNA.) You! Hey, you! Come back here.

DONNA: (Stands, removes her “armor,” and leaves it in a pile.) Where there is despair… (Can’t remember the rest.) …where there is doubt… (Shakes her head.) …where there is sadness… (Shrugs. EXITS LEFT, dragging the putter.)

SIMON: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed in full Goth costume, with spiked hair. PUDDLES ENTERS with him, dressed as before.) I still think you should have to dress up too.

PUDDLES: I didn’t make the bet. You did. I’m not the one who wants to go on a date with Darkness. You are. Besides. I’ve got my teeny crown.

SIMON: But I look ridiculous.PUDDLES: Yes. Yes, you do.SIMON: It was worth a try, though. Mindy is worth it.PUDDLES: Keep telling yourself that.SIMON: And who are you supposed to be with that tiny crown?PUDDLES: My name is Richard. (Poses.) The Lionhearted.SIMON: Okay, that’s not ridiculous at all… Puddles.PUDDLES: And don’t call me Puddles anymore. It’s not funny, and I

don’t like it.SIMON: But I’ve always called you Puddles.PUDDLES: Never again. Or you can find yourself another friend to pick on.SIMON: (Pauses.) Okay… Richard. But I’m not calling you …

the Lionhearted.PUDDLES: Richard is fine… Pitch.SIMON: (Realizes.) Oh, man! For a second I even forgot I was wearing

this stupid costume.PUDDLES: Funny how that can happen. (OFFICER BOB and SASHA

ENTER RIGHT.)SASHA: She was right here just a minute ago. (Sees the pile of “armor.”)

Here’s her armor.OFFICER BOB: We should probably split up and look for her.SIMON: What’s going on, Officer Bob?OFFICER BOB: (Looks at SIMON.) Simon Carrasco?SIMON: In the flesh. But for the rest of the Cosplay Con, my name

is Pitch.OFFICER BOB: Wow. When you promised to stop acting like a bully and

join in the fun, you weren’t kidding.SIMON: It’s never too late to make a change.OFFICER BOB: I guess not. You haven’t seen Donna Mitchell around,

have you?

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DONNA: (In a daze.) What?CLERK: (Grabs DONNA.) You can’t just take stuff out of the store

without paying.DONNA: (Stands.) Unhand me, sir! (Shrugs away.)CLERK: Shoplifting is a crime, you know.DONNA: (Pushes CLERK.) Do not manhandle a knight of the realm,

you varlet!CLERK: Don’t try to run away. I’m calling security. (Blows whistle. SASHA

and OFFICER BOB ENTER LEFT.)SASHA: There she is.CLERK: Security! Security!OFFICER BOB: Okay, what’s this all about?CLERK: This maniac stole a bunch of stuff from the store.DONNA: This villainous knave placed hands upon my person.CLERK: I’ll do more than that, if you don’t pay for what you stole.OFFICER BOB: Okay, everybody just calm down. (To DONNA.) Did you

take something from the store?CLERK: Of course she did. Just look at her. Didn’t even try to hide it.OFFICER BOB: You’ll get your chance. (To DONNA.) Did you pay for

these items?DONNA: How could I? My squire has absconded with my purse.OFFICER BOB: Squire?SASHA: She means me.DONNA: Can you imagine a knight of the realm such as myself, carrying

the purse?OFFICER BOB: (Sizes her up.) Yeah, a purse would definitely not match

your ensemble.CLERK: I don’t care who has the purse. That goofball is a shoplifter.OFFICER BOB: Look. Her friend says she got hit on the head with a

book and is acting kind of looney. So how about they just pay for the items, and you drop the charges?

CLERK: (Sulks.) She roughed me up.OFFICER BOB: (To DONNA.) Did you hit this person?DONNA: Upon my honor, I did no such thing.OFFICER BOB: (To CLERK.) Well?CLERK: (Admits.) It was more of a push.OFFICER BOB: And what were you doing when she pushed you?CLERK: Uh, tugging on the shoulder pads.OFFICER BOB: So you initiated the physical contact?

DARKNESS: Let me show you just one more image.SASHA: Haven’t you done enough?DARKNESS: Not quite. (Produces a small mirror.) Take a good look.

Who do you see?DONNA: (Stares into mirror.) I… it’s… me. I think.DARKNESS: Which you? Who are you pretending to be now?OBSIDIAN: Pooh Bear? (DONNA shakes her head after each character

is named.)CANKER: Ballerina?OBSIDIAN: Zombie?CANKER: Easter Bunny?DARKNESS: Knight?DONNA: (Confused.) No. I’m not a knight. Am I?DARKNESS: Then what are you? Who are you?DONNA: (Sinks to her knees.) I’m… I’m… Donna Mitchell. I’m…

nobody. (Collapses.)SASHA: (Crosses to DONNA and puts her hands on DONNA’S shoulders.

To DARKNESS.) You’ve done your worst. Now get out of here. Go.DARKNESS: (Backs away.) Sorry. I had to do it.SASHA: Why? What could make a person do something so heartless?

So cruel?DARKNESS: (Bitter laugh.) Ha. Would you believe… love? (Recovers.

Snaps her fingers.) Come on, minions. Our work here is done.OBSIDIAN: But now you’ve lost the bet.CANKER: You have to go back to being Mindy and go on a date with

Simon Carrasco.DARKNESS: Might as well make the most of it. Let’s go. (EXITS LEFT,

followed by OBSIDIAN and CANKER.)SASHA: (Holds DONNA, who is barely conscious.) Oh, Donna. It’s going

to be okay. I’m going to find Officer Bob, and we’re going to call the paramedics. You’re going to be all right. Don’t go anywhere. I have to get help. (EXITS RIGHT. GNUT and MACHU PICCHU ENTER LEFT.)

GNUT: Hey, are you okay? (DONNA nods, waves them away.)MACHU PICCHU: I’m sorry about your fall in the game shop. And

knocking you off the block in Noodle Combat. No hard feelings?DONNA: (Sad smile.) None.GNUT: Hope to see you at the costume parade.DONNA: Thanks, Billy.GNUT: I am Gnut! (GNUT and MACHU PICCHU EXIT LEFT.)

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CLERK: I guess so.OFFICER BOB: (To DONNA.) Do you want to press charges?DONNA: This can all be settled amicably… (To CLERK.) …by a duel to

the death at moonrise.OFFICER BOB: Hey! Hey! We’ll have no talk of dueling in this mall. Not

on my watch.SASHA: How about if I just pay for the stuff? I’ve got the purse,

apparently. (Pulls out a credit card.)OFFICER BOB: (Looks at DONNA and CLERK.) Any objections?DONNA: Pay the merchant, squire.CLERK: (Snatches the credit card.) Come inside the store, and I’ll ring

you up. (DONNA starts to follow.) Not you. (To SASHA.) Just the cardholder… uh, the carrier of the purse.

SASHA: (To OFFICER BOB.) Can you keep an eye on her until I get back?

OFFICER BOB: Of course. (SASHA and CLERK EXIT RIGHT. To DONNA.) Well, that was exciting.

DONNA: I am an honest knight. I swear upon my honor I meant no thievery.

OFFICER BOB: Gotcha. Hey, while we’re here, do you mind if I shine my flashlight in your eyes?

DONNA: Why?OFFICER BOB: Just checking your pupils. Want to make sure you don’t

have a concussion or anything.DONNA: I did sustain a blow to the head earlier.OFFICER BOB: (Shines a penlight in DONNA’S eyes, back and forth.)

Are you on any medications? Prescriptions, or… uh… otherwise?DONNA: None, good sir.OFFICER BOB: Pupil dilation is normal. That’s a good sign. But you

should see the medic first chance you get. Rule out anything serious.DONNA: I assure you, I am well.OFFICER BOB: All this play-acting going on, it’s hard to tell. (SOUND

EFFECT: WALKIE TALKIE SQUAWKS. OFFICER BOB answers it.) This is security. (Listens.) What’s that? A cat girl is chasing a Viking barbarian around the pet store and scaring the hamsters? Ten four. (To DONNA.) Gotta go. Wait here for your friend, okay? Have fun, but be safe.

DONNA: You are a reputable constable, deserving of respect.OFFICER BOB: Thanks. I take my job seriously. Keeping the peace.

That’s what it’s all about. (SOUND EFFECT: WALKIE TALKIE SQUAWKS. Speaks into it.) I’m on my way. (EXITS LEFT.)

DONNA: I… I…DARKNESS: (Another photograph.) Do you eat brains? Are you a

reanimated corpse?DONNA: Of course not.DARKNESS: Well, here’s Zombie Donna. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER

stumble around like zombies.) Pictures don’t lie. Are you a zombie?DONNA: No. It was for the Zombie Mall Crawl.DARKNESS: (More photos.) Vampire Donna. Chewbacca Donna.

Ballerina Donna. Pirate Donna.DONNA: It’s just pretend… Imagination. Fun. (CANKER EXITS LEFT.)DARKNESS: So many Donnas. Which one is real? Are any of them real?DONNA: Playing… fantasy… just a game…DARKNESS: (Fake sympathy.) I understand. It’s all in fun. Playing dress

up. I get it.DONNA: My head hurts.DARKNESS: And now you’re a knight? Come on, Donna. Get real.SASHA: Where did you get these pictures? (CANKER ENTERS LEFT

with ALONZO.)CANKER: Here he is. The man of the hour.ALONZO: (To DARKNESS.) Do you need help with your phone again?DONNA: Don Machismo?DARKNESS: (Takes out Donna’s phone.) Oh, this? Yes, thank you so

much, Alonzo. But silly me, once you cracked the password for me, I discovered it isn’t even my phone. No wonder I couldn’t open it. (Hands the phone to DONNA.) Turns out, it belongs to my friend Donna here.

SASHA: (To ALONZO.) You hacked Donna’s phone for Darkness?ALONZO: I… she said it was her phone.SASHA: Does Darkness look like the kind of person who would have

a picture of a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero on the case? Some genius you are.

OBSIDIAN: (To DONNA.) Your boyfriend sold you out for twenty bucks. (DONNA pockets the phone.)

DARKNESS: My bad. Tell you what. Go ahead and keep the twenty bucks I gave you.

ALONZO: You tricked me. (Throws the money on the ground. CANKER picks it up.) I don’t want your money. I’d rather bus tables for an extra fifty hours. (To DONNA.) I’m really sorry.

DONNA: (Strips off her glove.) I… I forgive you, Don Mach… I mean, Alonzo. No harm done. (Gives him a weak smile as he takes the glove. ALONZO starts to say something, but stops and EXITS LEFT.)

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DONNA: A worthy sheriff, indeed. (Looks around.) Now that I am fully equipped for a quest, the next thing I must do is find a wrong to right, an injustice to remedy, a plot to thicken. (Looks OFF LEFT.) Hmmm. That way looks promising. (Strikes a pose.) Questward, ho! (EXITS LEFT.)

SASHA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Okay, that was pricy. But I figure we can return most of this stuff when you come to your senses. (Looks around.) Donna? Oh, no. Donna! (EXITS LEFT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

CURTAIN UP on Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf. There is a scaled-down windmill with detachable blades (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) and a sign indicating the name of the course. Several pairs of COSPLAYERS ENTER LEFT with putters, playing the course. One couple makes their shots, complete the course, and congratulate each other. GANDALDORE, wearing a Merlin-style wizard costume, ENTERS RIGHT. Two COSPLAYERS hand GANDALDORE their putters.GANDALDORE: Thank you, middle-world mugglings. I trust your time in

my bewitched realm was spellbinding?COSPLAYER ONE: Sure.COSPLAYER TWO: Yep. Thanks.COSPLAYER ONE: (To COSPLAYER TWO.) Want to go get some nachos?COSPLAYER TWO: Sure. All this exercise has given me an appetite.

(They EXIT LEFT. DONNA ENTERS RIGHT, still wearing the ridiculous garb from the sporting goods store.)

GANDALDORE: (To DONNA.) Welcome to Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf. No potions in glass containers, please, no hexing your friends, and no cursing, supernatural or otherwise. Eighteen holes, nine dollars. Cash or credit only. Fairy and goblin gold are not legal tender here at Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf! Care to play eighteen enchanted holes?

DONNA: Not just now, good wizard, for I am on a quest.GANDALDORE: Really? Searching for the pot of gold at the end of

the rainbow? We have a fairyland fairway with leprechauns on the green.

DONNA: I seek no such filthy lucre. I am a knight-errant, sworn to right wrongs, defend the helpless, and chastise brigands.

GANDALDORE: Sorry, we’re fresh out of brigands here. Maybe a boggart or a banshee, but no brigands.

DONNA: (Spots the windmill.) A-ha! Is that a giant I behold before me?

DARKNESS: But we’ve got something for her.DONNA: (Rises.) The Dark Enchantress. Have you come to put me to

the test?DARKNESS: Something like that.DONNA: It’s all right, squire. I must submit to this ordeal before I am

knighted. (To DARKNESS.) Shall I go with you?DARKNESS: Don’t bother. We deliver.DONNA: What do you desire of me?SASHA: Don’t let them do this, Donna. They want to hurt you.DARKNESS: I only want you to see the truth. You’re not afraid of a little

truth, are you?DONNA: Of course not. It’s my prime directive.SASHA: (To DARKNESS.) Mindy, please.DARKNESS: Don’t call me that. I am Darkness! And you heard what

she said. She wants us to show her the truth.SASHA: But she can’t handle the truth.DARKNESS: Back off, Pasta, or you’re next.DONNA: (Steels herself.) You may proceed, Dark Enchantress.DARKNESS: (To SASHA. Sneers.) See? (Shows DONNA the first

photograph. During this interrogation, DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER circle around her, keeping DONNA dizzy and off balance, surrounded by photographs.) Recognize anyone here?

DONNA: It’s a baby, wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume.DARKNESS: And the caption says, “Donna’s first Halloween.” So what

were you? Who were you?DONNA: I was Winnie the Pooh.DARKNESS: Really? Did Winnie the Pooh grow up to become a knight?DONNA: No. He’s a silly old bear.DARKNESS: So you weren’t really Winnie the Pooh, but a just baby in

a costume.SASHA: Don’t answer her, Donna.DARKNESS: (Shows another photograph.) How about this one? You

look like you’re maybe five years old here. Who are you here?DONNA: The Easter Bunny. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER hop like bunnies.)DARKNESS: Is this a Halloween picture?DONNA: No.DARKNESS: You dressed up in a costume for no reason?DONNA: There was an Easter egg hunt.DARKNESS: Playing at… pretending to be the Easter Bunny. Right?

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GANDALDORE: I don’t think so. We have ogres and trolls, orcs and dragons, but no giants. Except for our groundskeeper, Haggis, but he’s harmless.

DONNA: (Points at the windmill.) There. A giant stands right over there, threatening those peasants. (Refers to the COSPLAYERS.)

GANDALDORE: You mean the Walloping Windmill?DONNA: I must protect the innocent rabble from harm. (Hoists the

hockey stick.) En garde, you ginormous giant! (Charges at the windmill. The COSPLAYERS scatter and watch. DONNA begins beating the windmill with her stick.) Take that! And that! Begone, you beastly brute. You shall terrorize these people no more!

GANDALDORE: Stop it! You’re wrecking my windmill!DONNA: (Drops the stick, wrestles with the windmill, and rips off a

windmill blade.) This will teach you to torment the defenseless, you rogue! You rapscallion!

GANDALDORE: (Approaches DONNA and pulls out a magic wand.) I, Gandaldore the Charcoal Gray, supreme wizard of middle mall, order you to cease and desist! (Points the wand.) Bippity, boppity, boo boo! (DONNA stops wrestling the windmill, stands, and looks at GANDALDORE. GANDALDORE stares at the wand, surprised.) Hey, it worked.

DONNA: (Points at one of the putters GANDALDORE is holding.) By Grabthar’s Holy Hammer, there it is!

GANDALDORE: There what is?DONNA: (Points.) Excalibone! The sacred sword of Sushi, the Shielded

City of Shysensee.GANDALDORE: Say that again?DONNA: Excalibone?GANDALDORE: No, the other part.DONNA: Sacred sword of Sushi, the Shielded City of Shysensee.GANDALDORE: Okay, just wanted to make sure I heard that right. Now

say it three times, fast.DONNA: No more witty wordplay, wizard. Give me Excalibone, or face

certain peril.GANDALDORE: I have no idea what you are talking about.DONNA: (Points.) The sacred sword.GANDALDORE: (Holds up a putter.) What, you mean this? No way.DONNA: Way!GANDALDORE: What do you want it for?DONNA: (Points to the windmill.) To dispatch yon giant, of course.

DONNA: Could you do me the great honor of dubbing me knight of the realm?

BARONESS: Like King Arthur? (Points to the putter.) Tapping you on the shoulder with your, uh, sword?

DONNA: If your baronessness would be so kind.BARONESS: Sure. It’s Cosplay Con, after all. Anything goes. Do you

want me to do it right now?DONNA: (Signals for SASHA to help her up.) Right this moment?BARONESS: Sure.DONNA: I need to keep a vigil first, to cleanse and prepare myself—

heart, mind, and soul—to receive the gift of your grace and title.BARONESS: Oh. That sounds serious. How long do you need, do you

think? We’re going to have a costume parade in a little while.DONNA: Five or ten minutes?BARONESS: No problem. You know where to find me. Toodles!

(EXITS LEFT.)SASHA: I thought you were getting better.DONNA: Oh, I am. Or I will be once I am properly knighted. (Looks

around.) I shall retire here to prepare. During my vigil, I shall be vulnerable to attack. Will you keep watch for me? Warn me if the wicked wizard or another foe should approach?

SASHA: Okay, I guess so.DONNA: Thank you, Sasha Pasta. (Kneels beside the bench, assumes

a prayerful pose, and leans on the putter. SASHA hovers over her.) Stand a bit off, would you, good squire?

SASHA: Huh? Oh, sure. No problem. (Moves a bit back.)DONNA: (Prays.) Oh, great author of The Golden Age of Spaincraft, I

don’t know if you can hear me. I am but a humble would-be knight of the realm, seeking honor and goodness to become a bright spark in the darkness. Oh, Master of the Game, where there is hatred, let me plant seeds of love. Where harm has been done, let me extend forgiveness. Where people are crippled by doubt and cynicism, let me show them trust in things unseen. Where there is despair, let me inspire hope. Where there is darkness, I wish to bring light. Where there is sadness, joy. (Waits.) That’s pretty much it. So if you want to test me before I receive my knighthood, to prove my worthiness, I’ll endure whatever you send me. (DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT, carrying large photographs.)

DARKNESS: Well, look who we’ve found. If it isn’t our wandering hero.SASHA: (Intervenes.) You guys need to leave Donna alone. She’s doing

a vigil-thing.

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GANDALDORE: You’ve already pounded it with your lance… a lot. And you’re going to pay for that.

DONNA: I must administer the “coup de grâce.” (Tries to take putter from GANDALDORE, who holds on.)

GANDALDORE: Unhand the putter, er… Excalibone!DONNA: First I must disarm you! (They wrestle until DONNA finally pulls

the putter away.)GANDALDORE: Give that back. (Points her wand. It is now bent at an

odd angle.) I’m warning you.DONNA: The sword is mine by right of combat.GANDALDORE: My wand! Look what you’ve done to my wand! (Aside.)

I should have upgraded to the sonic screwdriver. (To DONNA.) Okay, that’s it. (Pushes up sleeves.) Now it’s personal. (Picks up the other putter.)

DONNA: You may redeem your honor at another time, wizard, for I must be off on another adventure. (Runs over to the broken windmill and stabs it with the putter.) Die, you gargantuan giant, die!

GANDALDORE: Aarrgh!DONNA: (Turns to GANDALDORE.) Until a more opportune time…

(Bows.) …adieu. (EXITS RIGHT with the putter, leaving the hockey stick behind.)

GANDALDORE: Run! Flee! But you won’t escape my wrath. Wherever you go, I shall find you and have my revenge. My mission in life is to ruin your quest, sir knight. You shall not pass! You shall become an epic fail! (Adjusts her hat and beard, tucks a putter into her belt, and EXITS RIGHT after DONNA. COSPLAYERS look at each other, shrug, and go back to playing. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP: The food court. A small platform stage is UP CENTER. COSPLAYERS dress up and pose at a photo booth LEFT. A dining area sits STAGE RIGHT, with tables and chairs or benches. OFF RIGHT leads to La Mancha Cantina. COSPLAYERS are scattered about, mingling, eating, posing for photographs, and admiring costumes. BARONESS BURRITO ENTERS RIGHT, followed by ALONZO, who carries a plastic tub with a rag and rubber gloves.BARONESS: Alonzo, you are a genius!ALONZO: (Matter-of-fact.) Yes, Baroness Burrito. I know.

given, then I might continue my quest with renewed vigor and confidence. (Sits.)

SASHA: (Puts her hands on DONNA’S shoulders.) It’s okay, Donna. Even a knight is allowed to have a bad day once in awhile.

DONNA: (Startles.) That’s it! That’s what’s wrong! (Thrashes.) Help me up, would you, Sasha?

SASHA: (Does so.) What did I say?DONNA: You have cut me to the quick, good squire.SASHA: Uh, sorry?DONNA: The truth is indeed a double-edged sword. In my zeal to right

wrongs, I resisted admitting it, even to myself. But, however it pains me to say, the truth is plain. (Takes a deep breath.) I am not a true knight.

SASHA: (Relieved.) Well, I’m glad to hear you say that. It took you long enough.

DONNA: It matters not that I have armor and the magnificent sword Excalibone, nor even the Golden Gauntlet of the glorious Don Machismo. These do avail me naught because I have never actually been knighted by one of noble birth.

SASHA: Oh.BARONESS: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing another tiara. To SASHA.) Excuse

me. Nacho baskets aren’t supposed to be taken out of the food court. You can come back in, or I can take it for you if you’re finished.

SASHA: Oh, sorry. (Hands her the basket.) I see you got your tiara back.BARONESS: This thing? I buy them by the dozen. It’s just a cheap

plastic headband to keep my hair out of the food. I break about one a week. But it helps with the “Baroness” image. (Starts to take it off.) Do you want one? I’m thinking about giving them away with the purchase of a kid’s combo platter.

SASHA: No, thanks. I’m okay. (Gestures to self.) Clashes with the whole squire image.

DONNA: (Kneels.) Good Baroness of the food court…BARONESS: Yes?DONNA: I have a boon to ask of you.BARONESS: A boon? What’s a boon?DONNA: A favor.BARONESS: Sure, kiddo. What do you need?DONNA: I was wondering if… I was hoping you might…BARONESS: Spit it out. I’ve got customers waiting.

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BARONESS: Oh, that’s not what I meant. Sure, you’re a mathematical nerd of epic proportions. But this idea you had for offering a discount on nachos is really raking in the cash.

ALONZO: It was just a matter of creating an algorithm to estimate profits based on upselling high-profit menu items to counterbalance the lack thereof incurred by selling the nachos at cost.

BARONESS: Exactly. Whatever. The point is, I’m breaking even on the nacho sales and making a bundle on all the other stuff customers buy to go with them.

ALONZO: I believe that is what I just said.BARONESS: Right. So, how long have you been working with me now,

Alonzo?ALONZO: Two years, three months, and seventeen days.BARONESS: Really? That’s the longest I’ve ever managed to keep an

employee. Well, I say it’s time you got a raise. You are about to take your first bold and daring step beyond minimum wage. Isn’t that exciting?

ALONZO: Thank you, Baroness Burrito. How much?BARONESS: Five cents an hour. How does that sound?ALONZO: That would result in an accumulation of forty additional

cents per eight-hour shift, before deductions for state and federal income taxes, FICA, and Social Security.

BARONESS: No one can say I don’t reward initiative. Now, be a dear and wipe down these tables. There are tortilla chip crumbs and globs of nacho cheese everywhere.

ALONZO: Yes, Baroness. (Pulls yellow rubber gloves and a rag from the tub and begins to wipe the tables.)

BARONESS: (Moves to platform stage, takes out a notecard, and announces.) Ladies and gentlemen, aliens, animals, mythical creatures, and assorted freaks of the Cosplay Con. (ALL COSPLAYERS stop what they are doing and listen.) I want to thank you all for participating in this wonderful event, and hope you will make many lasting memories, particularly at the reasonably priced photo booth, hosted by our friends at… (Refers to the notecard.) …The Photo Shoppe and the La Mancha High School drama department. What a glorious opportunity to revel in the wonder of imagination, fantasy, and creativity. May your dreams come true this day, here at Cosplay Con. (ALL cheer and clap.) Also, please dispose of all trash in the receptacles provided. I’m the Baroness Burrito after all, not your mother. (Laughs. No one else laughs.) Right. So, carry on and keep cosplaying. (ALL cheer. BARONESS steps down from the stage and mingles with the COSPLAYERS before EXITING RIGHT.)

CANKER: Hunger is stupid. (They EXIT LEFT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP in front of the curtain on another part of the mall. There is a bench CENTER. DONNA ENTERS RIGHT, followed by SASHA, who carries a basket of chips. DONNA stops and ponders.SASHA: What’s wrong? You hardly touched your nachos. Mind if I finish

them? (Eats.)DONNA: Sasha, I am troubled. Confused.SASHA: I’ve noticed. Want to talk about it?DONNA: Things aren’t turning out the way I expected. I thought when

I began this quest that I would be living a glorious adventure. Righting wrongs. Rescuing people. Making a difference in this sad, broken world.

SASHA: (Eats.) And instead?DONNA: All I’ve done is make enemies and cause trouble. There’s an

evil wizard roaming the countryside seeking to destroy me, and young Simon Carrasco shouted and lunged at me. If it weren’t for the colorfully dressed peasants intervening, I might have been overwhelmed. Not to mention, I’m terrible at that horseless jousting game. The furry cat person knocked me off my block with a single swipe of her noodle.

SASHA: You’ve always been a bit on the clumsy side. It’s one of your greatest charms. (DONNA squeezes her head.) How’s your headache?

DONNA: Better, thank you, squire. But I’m plagued with thoughts, visions from another life.

SASHA: Maybe you’re getting your memory back. Becoming your real self again.

DONNA: Or I could have been bewitched by the Black Enchantress.SASHA: Who?DONNA: The Black Enchantress and her minions. A gloomy, morbid

figure, dressed all in black. I’ve seen her lurking about with her dread acolytes.

SASHA: I know who you mean. Darkness and her emo entourage. I wouldn’t worry about them. They are only into making themselves miserable.

DONNA: Then what could it be? What’s wrong with me? If only I could see clearly, realize who I truly am and what purpose I have been

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SASHA: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. To herself.) I wish Donna would quit wandering off like that. How hard should it be to find someone walking around in public dressed up in a silly costume? (Looks around.) Right. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack without a magnet. (Looks to the heavens.) I’m trying to be my sister’s keeper and be a good friend here. Is it too much to ask for a little help? (DONNA ENTERS DOWN RIGHT in a rush, carrying the putter and still wearing the additional pads, boots, and helmet. SASHA sees her and looks back up.) Uh, thanks?

DONNA: (Crosses to SASHA.) Sasha, where have you been? You’ve got to quit wandering off like that. I’m afraid I’ve gotten into a bit of the proverbial pickle.

SASHA: Why am I not surprised? (Points to the putter.) Does it have anything to do with that putter?

DONNA: (Holds it up.) You mean Excalibone? Indeed, you have deduced it, my Sherlockian squire. I am being pursued by a vengeful, evil wizard, and at the moment do not have the wherewithal to confront him.

GANDALDORE: (ENTERS RIGHT, looks around the crowd, and grabs a COSPLAYER.) No, you’re not the chosen one.

COSPLAYER ONE: Hey, watch it. (GANDALDORE turns and grabs another.)COSPLAYER TWO: Excuse me!SASHA: So what does a knight do if she isn’t prepared to fight

a battle?DONNA: I can think of only one thing.SASHA: Me, too.DONNA/SASHA: Hide!DONNA: (Works her way through the crowd and toward the dining

area, RIGHT. To COSPLAYERS.) Excuse me… sorry… I do beg your pardon… please forgive me… coming through.

SASHA: (Works her way toward GANDALDORE.) Make way… move along… We’re not the droids you’re looking for.

GANDALDORE: Yield, I say. Move aside. Honestly. It’s like herding hobbits.SASHA: What up, Wiz?GANDALDORE: (Looks SASHA up and down.) By any chance, have you

seen an oddly dressed female pass by?SASHA: (Makes a point of looking around.) Nobody here but us Munchkins.GANDALDORE: I’m sure I followed her to this very establishment.

(Looks over and around SASHA, who tries to block GANDALDORE’S view. DONNA grabs ALONZO and uses him as a shield.)

SASHA: Maybe she went to the pet store.GANDALDORE: The bestiary! Of course! I shall continue my search there.

ALONZO: Well, as long as you’re not asking me to do anything illegal…OBSIDIAN: (Has second thoughts.) Actually… (DARKNESS shushes her.)ALONZO: (Taps the phone. Hands it back to DARKNESS.) There you go.CANKER: I am so grounded!DARKNESS: How did you do that? What was the password?ALONZO: Irrelevant. I bypassed the lock screen and circumvented the

security features. It’s not that difficult. But you’ll want to reset your password, anyway, so you can remember it next time.

DARKNESS: You really are a genius.ALONZO: Yes, I really am. When I graduate from high school, I hope to

get a scholarship and become an electrical engineer. I’m not going to be a busboy for Baroness Burrito forever. I’ve got plans.

DARKNESS: Donna would call that a quest.ALONZO: Oh, I don’t know about that. More of a life goal.DARKNESS: I have no doubt that you will succeed. (Hands him

the money.)ALONZO: Thanks. If you don’t mind my asking, why do you wear black

all the time?OBSIDIAN: Black is pain.CANKER: Pain is truth.ALONZO: Yes, well, I don’t know anything about that. But did you know

that black isn’t really a color? True black doesn’t actually exist. Light is absorbed into the fabric and none of the spectral rays are reflected back out. You could say that your clothing is filled with light. More so than anyone else’s.

OBSIDIAN: Really?CANKER: Cool.ALONZO: Whereas my white apron just bounces all the light right back

out into the world. Well, I’d better get back to sweeping. Glad I could help you with your phone, and thanks for the twenty dollars. (EXITS RIGHT, sweeping.)

DARKNESS: Blackness is actually filled with light but doesn’t send any back out into the world. I hadn’t thought of it like that. (Pauses. Recovers.) Let’s see what’s on this phone, shall we? (Taps the screen.) Photo album. Oh, my. Oh, yes. This will do just fine. (To OBSIDIAN and CANKER.) Come with me, minions.

OBSIDIAN: Where are we going?DARKNESS: To the Photo Shoppe.CANKER: Aren’t we going to have anything to eat?OBSIDIAN: Hunger is pain.

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SASHA: Good luck.GANDALDORE: Thank you, my good.… What was it you said you

are? Munchkin?SASHA: Sure. That’ll work.GANDALDORE: If you ever visit Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf, I shall

remember your kindness and return the favor.SASHA: Oh, it’s nothing. (Points LEFT.) The, uh, “bestiary” is that way.

Off you go, now. (Gives GANDALDORE a little push.)GANDALDORE: (Calls OFF.) You shall not escape the vengeance of

Gandaldore the Charcoal Gray! (EXITS LEFT, waving the broken wand.) Bippity, boppity, boo boo!

SASHA: Whew. (Becomes distracted by the COSPLAYERS and mingles.)DONNA: (Releases ALONZO.) Thank you, good sir. You have been of

supreme assistance in helping me evade capture.ALONZO: (Turns and looks at DONNA.) Huh?DONNA: (Staggers back.) Be still my heart! Is it possible? Here, in this

place? Fortune favors me!ALONZO: What?DONNA: (Drops to one knee and takes ALONZO’S rubber-gloved hand.)

It is you! The kindest and most generous noble of all… Don Machismo! (Kisses the back of his gloved hand multiple times.)

ALONZO: My name is Alonzo.DONNA: Nonsense! You are Don Machismo. There is no mistaking

your aristocratic bearing. But what, pray tell, are you doing here?ALONZO: I’m cleaning blobs of congealed nacho cheese off the tables.DONNA: Are you traveling the countryside incognito? Or has your

estate fallen so far, good sir?ALONZO: I just got a raise. Five cents more per hour. That’s an increase

of forty cents per shift, not taking into account—DONNA: A mere pittance. I… (Pulls on his hand.) Uh, could you help me

up? (ALONZO does.) Thank you, kind and generous Don Machismo. As I was saying, I shall make it my personal mission to see you raised back to your former glory.

ALONZO: That’s really not necessary. Now if you will excuse me—DONNA: Not necessary? It is a matter of honor, sir! My pitiful existence

was beyond worthless because I had no quest for which to dedicate my skills. And now I have found one! Thank you! Thank you, dear Don Machismo! (Tries to grab his gloved hand to kiss it again, but he pulls it away.)

ALONZO: It’s Alonzo, not Don Machismo.

CANKER: Me, too! (They giggle, do a little woofing and wagging, then catch themselves and regain their emo-ness.)

OBSIDIAN: Puppies are pathetic.CANKER: Total losers. (ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT, sweeping.)DARKNESS: (Gives up.) We need someone smart enough to defeat

the password and hack into this phone. (Looks around and sees ALONZO.) Hey, that’s Alonzo. He’s in all the AP classes. Some kind of genius-nerd. We need to lure him over here and trick him into helping us.

OBSIDIAN: Say no more.CANKER: Leave it to us. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER cross to ALONZO.)OBSIDIAN: Hey there, handsome.ALONZO: (Flustered.) Do you… mean me?CANKER: Who else?OBSIDIAN: (Plucks at his shirt.) I just love a man in uniform. Don’t

you, Canker?CANKER: (Plays with his hat.) I sure do.ALONZO: It’s just a busboy uniform.OBSIDIAN: But it takes a real man to fill it out.CANKER: Are you a real man, Alonzo?ALONZO: Of course. The human body has 32.2 trillion cells. Every one

of my cells contains both X and Y chromosomes in their nuclei, so that makes me male. Uh, a man.

OBSIDIAN: Ooh, I love it when you talk all sciency!CANKER: Yeah. All those XYZs and chromosomes and stuff.OBSIDIAN: So can you do us a favor, male man?ALONZO: A favor? (Starts to take off his remaining glove.)OBSIDIAN: (Points to DARKNESS.) That dark lady over there forgot the

password to her phone. (They lead ALONZO toward DARKNESS.)CANKER: She needs your amazing brain to crack it for her.ALONZO: Defeat a lock screen? Sure, I can do that. No problem.DARKNESS: (Hands him the phone.) Make it so. If you can get me back

in, I’ll pay you twenty bucks.ALONZO: Twenty dollars? Fascinating. (DARKNESS pulls the money out

and waves it.) That’s how much my five-cent-per-hour raise would accrue after fifty hours of work, not factoring in deductions for—

DARKNESS: I really don’t care. Do you want the money or not?ALONZO: And you’re sure this is your phone. This one with a picture of

a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero on the case?DARKNESS: Sure.

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BARONESS: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a basket of tortilla chips.) Is everything all right here?

DONNA: (Makes an elaborate bow.) Indeed it is, Baroness Burrito. Never better! For now I have a “raison de existence,” a quest to guide my path. (Drops to one knee and takes ALONZO’S hand.) And all because of the kind and generous Don Machismo, here.

BARONESS: I see. Well, I need Don Machismo to finish wiping off the table tops and then heat up another batch of spicy cheese sauce.

DONNA: Manual labor? For such a kind and generous nobleman? How dare you! Is he your prisoner? (Pulls on ALONZO’S hand. To ALONZO.) Uh, could you help me up again? (He does.) Many thanks. (To BARONESS.) Publish the ransom, and I shall pay it forthwith.

BARONESS: Alonzo is my employee, not my prisoner. And I pay him, not the other way around.

DONNA: This is unacceptable! What kind of a world do we live in, where beautiful souls are relegated to toiling in food services?

BARONESS: A hungry one. (Offers the basket of chips.) Here. Have some nachos, on the house.

DONNA: My honor cannot be purchased with filthy lucre. (Knocks the basket into the air.) Begone, Baroness Burrito, before I lose my temper. (SASHA notices the commotion and moves to intercept DONNA. To ALONZO.) Come away with me, Don Machismo. Let us fly this wretched hive of scum and villainy.

ALONZO: I’m not losing my job because of a fruitcake. (Points to the floor.) And look. You’ve given me more work to do. Thanks, whoever you are.

DONNA: I am… Donna Quixote de La Mancha. (Bows with a flourish.) And you are… my inspiration!

SASHA: Come with me, Donna. You’ve done enough here. (To BARONESS.) I’m sorry for this. She’s just gotten a little carried away. Can I pay for those nachos?

BARONESS: They were on the house. (Thinks of a joke.) Now they really are on the house! (Laughs.) Har!

ALONZO: I’ll get the broom. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.)DONNA: Don’t leave me, Don Machismo!ALONZO: (Shakes his head.) It’s Alonzo. (EXITS RIGHT.)SASHA: Come with me, sir knight. (Leads a distraught DONNA to the

photo booth.)BARONESS: Kids these days. They take everything so seriously. (Looks

at the chips on the floor.) That’s the way the nacho crumbles.OFFICER BOB: (ENTERS LEFT and crosses to the platform stage to

make an announcement.) Everyone? (The COSPLAYERS turn and

battle or here over nachos and soda, there shall, for my part, be no grudge.

PUDDLES: (Starts to kiss DONNA’S hand, then shakes it instead.) Fine by me. (Extends a hand to SASHA.) Friends? (SASHA grabs him and kisses him, either on the lips or on both cheeks.) Wow! What was that for?

SASHA: Let’s just say, I really like the new you.PUDDLES: Okay. Me, too. I mean, thank you. I mean… (Bows low.)

Farewell, fair maid.SASHA: (Hands on hips.) Maid? You think I’m going to be your maid?

(Refers to DONNA.) First I’m her squire, and now I’m your maid? I don’t think so.

PUDDLES: Uh, maiden. I meant to say fair maiden.SASHA: (Smiles.) I can live with that. Now be off with you… Richard.

(PUDDLES bows gallantly and EXITS RIGHT. SASHA sighs. DONNA and SASHA wave farewell.)

DONNA: (Pause.) Pity we may have to kill his master.SASHA: (Shocked.) What?DONNA: Let’s get more nachos. (Abruptly turns and EXITS RIGHT.

SASHA follows her OFF RIGHT. DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT. DARKNESS has been trying to access Donna’s phone. OBSIDIAN and CANKER are growing bored.)

DARKNESS: (Taps the screen.) The screen is locked. I’ve tried every password I can think of that a wannabe knight might use.

OBSIDIAN: How about Batman?CANKER: The Caped Crusader?OBSIDIAN: Well, he is a knight.CANKER/OBSIDIAN: (They pose.) A dark knight. (They laugh, and it’s

not very emo.)DARKNESS: Ugh! I just can’t crack this.OBSIDIAN: Maybe you should give the phone back to Donna.CANKER: Yeah. I mean, we’re all for embracing pain and misery

and stuff, but if I get in trouble for stealing, my parents might ground me.

DARKNESS: Relax. I’ll give it back. But aren’t you curious what she’s saved in here?

OBSIDIAN: Not really. Who cares what a nerd’s got on her phone?CANKER: (Only half-disgusted.) Probably a bunch of adorable puppy videos.OBSIDIAN: Oh, I love adorable puppy videos.

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listen. Takes out a notecard.) I’ve just been informed that there is a clearance sale on all Mad Max plush figures at the Vendor Venue. (Reads from the card.) These soft and snuggly characters from the post-apocalyptic blockbuster film feature a variety of mutations, customizable tumors… (Looks carefully at the card, mouths “tumors,” and shakes his head.) …and a tiny can of washable silver spray paint so you can spray them in the face. This sale ends in ten minutes, or when the planet dies, whichever comes first.

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah!COSPLAYER ONE: Let’s go!COSPLAYER TWO: Customizable tumors!COSPLAYER THREE: Just what I’ve always wanted! (The COSPLAYERS

prepare to EXIT LEFT.)BARONESS: Before you go, please help Officer Bob take down the

photo booth. A little later, we’ll set up for Noodle Combat: Balance of Power.

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah! (BARONESS EXITS RIGHT.)COSPLAYER THREE: I love Noodle Combat.COSPLAYER FOUR: Me, too! (With OFFICER BOB supervising, the

COSPLAYERS remove the photo booth and boxes of accessories. OFFICER BOB and the COSPLAYERS EXIT LEFT. ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT with a broom and a dustpan, sweeps up the chips, and dumps them in the trash can.)

SASHA: Donna, I’m getting a little worried about the way you are acting.DONNA: Thank you, good squire. I freely admit that I was confused for

a while. But that’s only because I lacked a mission, a purpose, a quest. And now, I have one—to rescue the kind and generous Don Machismo from the curse of back-breaking drudgery.

SASHA: Yeah, you’re still a little confused. Maybe a lotta confused.DONNA: (Grips SASHA’S shoulders.) Sasha Pasta, I have a mission for

you. It is of vital importance.SASHA: I’m not leaving your side until you feel more yourself.DONNA: I would do it, but that would be too forward, too improper. It is

the task of a squire for her knight.SASHA: (Sighs.) What do you want me to do?DONNA: (Points to ALONZO.) Pay a call upon yonder kind and generous

Lord Don Machismo and beg from him a token.SASHA: A token?DONNA: Yes. An object that I may carry into battle so that all my

victories may honor him.

PUDDLES: It’s not over. He doesn’t like to lose.DONNA: Over? Lose? Have I caused offense in some way?PUDDLES: It’s not you, exactly. It’s not even all this dressing up and

make believe.SASHA: But then what? We’re not hurting anyone.DONNA: I am merely a humble knight-errant on a quest for glory.PUDDLES: Simon’s got a quest of his own, even if he doesn’t realize

it. And he’s not going to quit.DONNA: A quest?PUDDLES: For the hand of Mindy Leibowitz.DONNA/SASHA: (Confused.) Who?PUDDLES: (Poses.) Darkness. He’s crazy about her. Always has been.DONNA/SASHA: Ohhh.DONNA: (Decides.) All right, then. We shall do everything in our power

to help the young man win his lady love.PUDDLES: You can’t. The only way she’ll go out with him is if you stop

being Donna Quixote and give up your quest.SASHA: Well, that’s okay. (To DONNA.) This quest thing has caused you

nothing but trouble, anyway. Right?DONNA: Give up? It’s tempting, for I am weary of the burden. On my

own, I am a simple knight of no real significance. (Looks at her gloved hand.) But now I fight for the honor of Don Machismo! No. I will not. I must not yield. I’m sorry, Richard the Lionhearted, but your master and I are fated to remain steadfast enemies until one of us is vanquished.

PUDDLES: (To SASHA.) What about you? Are you going to go along with this? Someone might get hurt.

SASHA: I can’t turn my back on Donna. She’s my best friend and she needs me. Especially right now.

PUDDLES: Maybe I should go back to Simon. Try and get him to see reason and back off.

DONNA: You return to the enemy? Ah, betrayal cuts deeper than any blade.

PUDDLES: (Strong.) Nay, good knight. As sure as I am Richard the Lionhearted, I shall never betray Donna Quixote de La Mancha. For I am a man of honor.

SASHA: Hey, that was pretty good.PUDDLES: It’s kind of fun once you let go and get into it.DONNA: (Extends gloved hand.) Then go in peace, Richard the

Lionhearted, and when we meet again, whether on the field of

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SASHA: You want me to ask him to give me something, and then give it to you?

DONNA: Well, of course, Sasha. Are you truly so ignorant of the rites of chivalry?

SASHA: You need a favor, and then you call me ignorant? Come on, Donna, snap out of it.

DONNA: Do this one thing for me, and I shall ask nothing more from you for, shall we say, ten minutes?

SASHA: And you promise. I mean really promise, to stay right here? You won’t wander off again?

DONNA: I shall await your speedy return.SASHA: And what if he won’t give me a token?DONNA: You must persist until he does.SASHA: Well, okay. (DONNA is so happy she doesn’t hear the next line.)

But I’m only doing this because I’m your friend. Not your squire.DONNA: What’s that? You’re still here?SASHA: (Gives a little bow.) One token, coming up. (Crosses to ALONZO,

who has gone back to wiping tables. DONNA watches and paces. To ALONZO.) Uh, hey. Hi, there.

ALONZO: Yes?SASHA: You probably don’t remember me. I’m Sasha? Friends

with Donna?ALONZO: Who?SASHA: The girl who accidentally spilled the nachos. (Points to DONNA.

DONNA waves.)ALONZO: And?SASHA: I was wondering if you could do us all a favor.ALONZO: If you want more nachos, you’ll have to buy them at

the counter.SASHA: No, that’s not it. It’s about a token.ALONZO: A token?SASHA: Yeah. She’d like it if you could give her something. A present

of some kind, I guess.ALONZO: I don’t even know her. And she kept calling me Don Machismo.

My name is Alonzo.SASHA: Yeah. I’d explain, but I don’t think it would make any sense

to you.ALONZO: If I had to guess, I’d say she’s acting like someone who

sustained a very minor concussion and became psychologically attached to the last thing she was thinking about.

to give up her idiotic quest and admit she’s a poser. A fake. A fraud. (Poses.) Darkness shall swallow up the great and mighty Donna Quixote de La Mancha!

OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Evil laugh.) Bwa-ha-ha-ha—DARKNESS: No. Don’t do that. (EXITS LEFT. CANKER and OBSIDIAN

stop mid-laugh, look at each other, shrug, and follow her OFF as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP: The food court. Action continues from the end of ACT ONE, and ALL are in the same places. DONNA still stands on the table.DONNA: Okay, could someone help get me down from here? (Looks at

ALONZO, who doesn’t get the hint.)GNUT: (Helps her climb down from the table.) Here you go. I am Gnut.DONNA: Thank you, Gnut. You’re quite the gentleman, for a barbarian.MACHU PICCHU: (Steps forward.) Yeah, and he’s my barbarian, so

keep your mitts off.DONNA: And may I say, small furry person…MACHU PICCHU: Machu Picchu.DONNA: Gesundheit. And may I say that the two of you make a lovely

couple. (GNUT smiles and holds MACHU PICCHU’S hand.)MACHU PICCHU: (Purrs.) Purr. (GNUT and MACHU PICCHU move

UPSTAGE, hand in paw. ALONZO EXITS RIGHT.)BARONESS: (At the platform.) May I have everyone’s attention please?

(The COSPLAYERS stop what they are doing. BARONESS refers to a notecard.) The Vendor Venue has announced another promotion. For the next fifteen minutes, all horror film merchandise will be offered at the scary price of buy one, get one of equal or lesser value, free. Turn your worst nightmares into a double feature of fear with a terrifying selection of creepy crawlies, oozing ghoulies, ghastly ghosties, zombies, werewolves, and vampires. The “Monster Mayhem” sale begins… now! (The COSPLAYERS drop everything and race LEFT.)

COSPLAYER ONE: I love zombies.COSPLAYER TWO: The fast kind or the slow? Brain or flesh eaters?COSPLAYER ONE: All of the above. Grrr! Brains!COSPLAYER TWO: I prefer vampires. But the scary ones, not the

sparkly kind. (The COSPLAYERS EXIT LEFT. BARONESS EXITS RIGHT.)SASHA: Boy, Simon totally lost it. I wonder what that was all about.

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SASHA: Okay, maybe you do understand.ALONZO: She’s suffering from temporary delusional fixation syndrome.SASHA: You could say that again.ALONZO: She’s suffering from temporary delusional fixation syndrome.SASHA: You know Don Ma—uh, I mean, Alonzo—it would be sooo

kind and generous of you if you could just play along and give me something to give to her. I’ll return it when she becomes unfixated.

ALONZO: Hmmm. I suppose that would be all right. Just so long as you don’t ask me to play along and pretend to be Don Machismo, because…

SASHA: Your name is Alonzo. Got it.ALONZO: All right. (Pats himself down, sees the yellow rubber gloves,

and removes one.) How about this? She kept kissing it.SASHA: Yeah, that should work.ALONZO: And she really should wash her lips, because kissing a

scrubbing glove is unsanitary. (Thinks.) Unless the disinfectant killed the germs. (Thinks again.) But then, disinfectant should never be taken orally.

SASHA: (Snatches the glove.) Got it. Wash her lips.ALONZO: That would be advisable. (Pause.) Sasha?SASHA: Yes?ALONZO: What’s Donna really like? I mean, when she’s not suffering

from temporary delusional fixation syndrome?SASHA: Oh, she’s totally normal. Totally. Normal. Gotta go. Thanks!

(Crosses to DONNA.)DONNA: Do you have the token?SASHA: (Waves the rubber glove.) It’s not exactly an embroidered

handkerchief…DONNA: (Snatches the glove and puts it on, reverently holding it up.) The

golden gauntlet of Don Machismo. (Kisses the back of her gloved hand. The COSPLAYERS, GNUT, MACHU PICCHU, and OFFICER BOB ENTER LEFT, holding shopping bags.)

COSPLAYER ONE: I can’t believe they only had a couple of Mad Max plush toys left.

COSPLAYER TWO: Well, she did say it was a clearance sale.COSPLAYER THREE: It was probably just a ploy to get us to buy

more stuff.COSPLAYER FOUR: Which totally worked!COSPLAYER ONE: Yeah. You can never have enough memorabilia.COSPLAYER TWO: You got that right!

GNUT: (To DONNA.) Are you okay?DONNA: Never better, Viking barbarian. Never better.GNUT: I am Gnut.MACHU PICCHU: If that guy had said one more unkind word, I would

have scratched his eyes out! (Arches back, acting like an angry cat.) Meowrr! Pfft! Pfft!

PUDDLES: Well, I guess I’d better go find Simon. Make sure he’s okay.SASHA: You’re sticking with a guy like that?PUDDLES: Sure. He’s my friend. My only friend.SASHA: You could do a lot better.PUDDLES: Yeah? Who would want to be friends with a guy like me?SASHA: You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you?PUDDLES: Say what?SASHA: Ugh! Fine. I’ll be your friend. But I won’t call you Puddles.

What’s your real name?PUDDLES: Rich—BARONESS: (Interrupts.) Real names don’t matter, here. Today, you

can be whoever you wish to be.PUDDLES: Really? (The COSPLAYERS nod.) Okay. Then I want to be…

(ALL lean in with anticipation.) …Richard. (The COSPLAYERS are confused and a little disappointed.) Richard the Lionhearted! (Strikes a pose. Roars.) Roar! (The COSPLAYERS approve.)

BARONESS: (Gives him her tiara.) Here. You can wear my crown. (He puts it on. The COSPLAYERS applaud.) And now you can get twenty percent off an order of nachos!

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah! (LIGHTS FADE OUT on ALL but DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER as they move DOWN LEFT.)

OBSIDIAN: Well, that didn’t go very well for Simon.CANKER: Failure is pain. Pain is truth.DARKNESS: Yeah, but that was just round one. (Holds up a phone.)

During all the commotion, I stole Donna’s phone. I’ll bet we can find something on here that will snap her out of her delusion.

OBSIDIAN: But that would mean Simon would win the bet.CANKER: You’d have to go out with him. (Disgusted.) As Mindy Leibowitz.OBSIDIAN: Why would you do that?CANKER: Do you actually like Simon?OBSIDIAN: You want to lose the bet so you can win a date with a guy

who makes fun of your freckles?DARKNESS: (Falters, then recovers.) Mind your own business. All you

need to know is that one way or the other, I’m going to get Donna

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COSPLAYER THREE: All this junk is going to be worth a lot some day.COSPLAYER FOUR: Probably.OFFICER BOB: (Holds up a bag.) I sure hope so. I got a model Segway

from my all time favorite movie, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3.” (The COSPLAYERS look at OFFICER BOB blankly.) It’s going to be worth a fortune someday!

BARONESS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Back so soon? Okay, then, let’s set up the next activity, Noodle Combat: Balance of Power.

COSPLAYER ONE: Noodle Combat?COSPLAYERS: Huzzah!COSPLAYER TWO: (Looks around.) So where is it?BARONESS: Actually, I’m going to need some help setting it up.

(Disappointed, the COSPLAYERS start to disperse.) Anyone who helps will receive free refills on their soft drinks with the purchase of an official La Mancha Mall Cosplay Con souvenir cup.

COSPLAYERS: (Sufficiently motivated.) Huzzah! (BARONESS supervises the COSPLAYERS and OFFICER BOB as they set up the Noodle Combat activity STAGE LEFT. This will consist of two rehearsal blocks that can be stood upon as short pillars and some foam floor pads for safe falling. Reinforced pool noodles are also brought on. This should happen very quickly.)

BARONESS: Let’s put one block here, another here, and… Oh. It looks like you already know how to set up the arena!

OFFICER BOB: It took them longer to fill out the insurance waivers. Okay, let me take a look at the rulebook. (Consults a booklet. Two COSPLAYERS take noodles, climb onto the blocks, and begin to joust. OFFICER BOB looks up from the rulebook.) Looks like they already know the rules, too. Okay, everyone have fun and be safe. That’s all I’m asking. (Steps back. The sequence continues for a few rounds. COSPLAYERS joust by poking and jabbing with their pool noodles to push the other off their rehearsal block. When one falls, another COSPLAYER takes their place. COSPLAYERS ad-lib dialogue, including challenges, taunts, and expressions of victory or dismay. DONNA and SASHA join the crowd. ALONZO watches from a distance.)

BARONESS: (Eventually chiming in to cue the action to move forward.) Is there anyone else who would like to play?

DONNA: (Steps up.) I will gladly engage in trial by combat! (Tries to climb up onto a block. Several COSPLAYERS help her. One hands her a noodle. She stands on the block and performs a few moves as a warm up.)

BARONESS: Who will be this fair knight’s opponent?

SIMON: You’re all as deluded as she is. Am I the only one here who’s sane? Get real.

ALONZO: (Steps forward.) Quantum physics and multiverse theory would suggest that reality isn’t a fixed state. It’s always in flux. An infinite number of possibilities are created from a single action.

DONNA: The magnificent Don Machismo defends my honor! (Swoons.) My hero!

SIMON: Great. Even the nerd is on their side. Well, I say you’re all crazy!GNUT: And I say you are leaving. Now.SIMON: No! I won’t cave in to peer pressure. I’m right, and you’re all

wrong! I have to be right. It’s the only way I can ever get a date with Mindy.

MACHU PICCHU: Who’s Mindy? (The COSPLAYERS look around. OBSIDIAN and CANKER back away from DARKNESS, subtly pointing at her.)

DARKNESS: (Stands directly behind DONNA.) No, I’m not. I am… Darkness. (Poses. The COSPLAYERS all immediately accept that.)

COSPLAYER ONE: Cool.COSPLAYER TWO: Works for me.COSPLAYER THREE: You are if you say you are.PUDDLES: Looks like that peer pressure and public shaming

ricocheted back.SIMON: The truth isn’t a matter of opinion. Real is real. Even if I’m the

only one who believes it, I know I’m right.DONNA: Poor fellow.SIMON: This is all your fault! (Lunges over the table towards DONNA.

GNUT pulls SIMON away. The COSPLAYERS surge forward, and all is pandemonium for a moment.)

DONNA: (Stands on the table, above the fray.) No, dear friends! Do not harm this unfortunate fellow. He is not in his right mind!

OFFICER BOB: (Rushes ON RIGHT.) All right, kids, break it up. Back away, now. (The COSPLAYERS immediately step back. SIMON is revealed to be hiding under the table, sucking his thumb.) Come out from under there. (SIMON crawls out.) I’m putting you in protective custody. I don’t know what you did to get everyone all riled up, but you’re better off somewhere else.

SIMON: (Disoriented.) The world’s gone mad. Mad, I say. Quite, quite mad.

OFFICER BOB: Sure it has. Let’s go. (Leads SIMON OFF RIGHT.)DARKNESS: (To SIMON as he EXITS.) See ya later, Simon. Or should I

say, “Pitch”?

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DONNA: (Looks around.) Does no one dare cross noodles with Donna Quixote de La Mancha? (MACHU PICCHU climbs onto the other block, wielding a noodle.) Ah, young furry person. Never fear, fuzzy one. I shall do thee no lasting harm. (Performs an elaborate and sweeping bow. MACHU PICCHU bops DONNA on the head with her noodle. DONNA wobbles and tumbles off the block onto the foam pad.) Oof! (The COSPLAYERS help DONNA back onto her block. She catches her breath.) A touch! A touch! I do confess it! (Performs another elaborate series of noodle moves.) Be it known, far and wide, that I fight for the honor of yon Don Machismo… (Turns away to find ALONZO, who tries to hide. MACHU PICCHU pokes DONNA in the back, knocking her off the block.) Yow! (Falls.) I didn’t see that coming! (The COSPLAYERS help DONNA back up onto the block and give her a noodle, but she is facing the wrong way. GNUT lifts MACHU PICCHU off the block and takes her place. DONNA turns, sees GNUT, and eyes him up and down.)

GNUT: (Growls.) I am Gnut!DONNA: Yikes! (Jumps off the block to safety, turns, and bows to

the COSPLAYERS.) Thank you, colorful rabble, for giving me the opportunity to demonstrate my knightly prowess. You may now go about your business. (Blows a kiss to ALONZO. Confused, ALONZO waves back, then hurries OFF RIGHT.)

GANDALDORE: (ENTERS LEFT. DONNA hides behind the trash can.) I’ll find you, Donna Quixote de La Mancha. And when I do… and when I do… (Waves bent wand.) Bippity, boppity, boo boo! (EXITS RIGHT. The COSPLAYERS mill about. If it’s not too distracting, they may play another round of Noodle Combat. Or, they may try to get BARONESS and OFFICER BOB to play.)

SASHA: (To DONNA.) Okay, so now you’ve got your token from Alonzo… I mean, Don Machismo. Is there anything else you need to fulfill this quest of yours?

DONNA: (Rises from behind the trash can.) I fear a duel with yon wizard is inevitable. (Refers to the Noodle Combat area.) But after all that horseless jousting, I need a moment to restore my vigor. No, faithful squire. There is nothing more to accomplish at present.

SASHA: Good. Let’s order some nachos.OFFICER BOB: (Announces.) It looks like everything is under

control here. I’m just going to go and patrol the perimeter. (The COSPLAYERS ignore him as he EXITS RIGHT. SIMON, PUDDLES, DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT. During the next scene, SASHA EXITS RIGHT and brings back a basket of nachos. She and DONNA sit and eat.)

PUDDLES: (To SIMON.) So what’s your plan? How are you going to give Donna a reality check?

DARKNESS: Whatever it is, it won’t work. People cling to their delusions like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver.

OBSIDIAN: (Mimes clinging.) Clinging.CANKER: (Mimes drowning. Gasps.) Drowning.SIMON: Simple. Nothing makes a person conform to the norm like

public shaming and peer pressure.PUDDLES: You’re going to bully Donna into acting the way you decide?SIMON: It works on you.PUDDLES: Yeah, I guess it does. But it’s no fun.DARKNESS: Humiliation works on my dark minions, too.OBSIDIAN: Embarrassment is pain.CANKER: Shame is truth.SIMON: See? (Sees DONNA.) Watch this. (Crosses to DONNA. Loud.) Hey,

loser! Who do you think you are dressing up in funny clothes and acting all stupid? (The COSPLAYERS stop what they are doing and listen.) Why don’t you get a life? Stop pretending to be something you’re not? You’re just Donna Mitchell, sitting there in ripped pants and stupid sports gear, eating mediocre nachos in a lousy mall.

DONNA: (Begins to stand.) Are you speaking to me, sir?SASHA: (Pulls her back down.) Sit down, Donna. Don’t engage.SIMON: Not only do you look stupid, you’re a coward. Does the truth

hurt? Oh, poor baby. (The COSPLAYERS circle around behind SIMON. ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT and watches. DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, CANKER, and PUDDLES back away. DARKNESS moves behind DONNA.) Simon says, wake up and get a life.

GNUT: (Taps SIMON on the shoulder.) You need to leave.SIMON: (Without turning around.) Oh, yeah? Who’s going to make me?

(Turns, sees GNUT, and notices the crowd behind him. They aren’t smiling.) I’m just telling it like it is.

GNUT: We don’t care how it is.MACHU PICCHU: (Appears from behind GNUT.) And we don’t care

about what’s real or not.BARONESS: (Steps forward.) This is Cosplay Con. It’s a day devoted to

living in the fantasy world. And eating nachos.COSPLAYER ONE: Yeah.COSPLAYER TWO: That’s right.COSPLAYER THREE: Don’t ruin our day.COSPLAYER FOUR: Reality stinks, anyway.

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DONNA: (Looks around.) Does no one dare cross noodles with Donna Quixote de La Mancha? (MACHU PICCHU climbs onto the other block, wielding a noodle.) Ah, young furry person. Never fear, fuzzy one. I shall do thee no lasting harm. (Performs an elaborate and sweeping bow. MACHU PICCHU bops DONNA on the head with her noodle. DONNA wobbles and tumbles off the block onto the foam pad.) Oof! (The COSPLAYERS help DONNA back onto her block. She catches her breath.) A touch! A touch! I do confess it! (Performs another elaborate series of noodle moves.) Be it known, far and wide, that I fight for the honor of yon Don Machismo… (Turns away to find ALONZO, who tries to hide. MACHU PICCHU pokes DONNA in the back, knocking her off the block.) Yow! (Falls.) I didn’t see that coming! (The COSPLAYERS help DONNA back up onto the block and give her a noodle, but she is facing the wrong way. GNUT lifts MACHU PICCHU off the block and takes her place. DONNA turns, sees GNUT, and eyes him up and down.)

GNUT: (Growls.) I am Gnut!DONNA: Yikes! (Jumps off the block to safety, turns, and bows to

the COSPLAYERS.) Thank you, colorful rabble, for giving me the opportunity to demonstrate my knightly prowess. You may now go about your business. (Blows a kiss to ALONZO. Confused, ALONZO waves back, then hurries OFF RIGHT.)

GANDALDORE: (ENTERS LEFT. DONNA hides behind the trash can.) I’ll find you, Donna Quixote de La Mancha. And when I do… and when I do… (Waves bent wand.) Bippity, boppity, boo boo! (EXITS RIGHT. The COSPLAYERS mill about. If it’s not too distracting, they may play another round of Noodle Combat. Or, they may try to get BARONESS and OFFICER BOB to play.)

SASHA: (To DONNA.) Okay, so now you’ve got your token from Alonzo… I mean, Don Machismo. Is there anything else you need to fulfill this quest of yours?

DONNA: (Rises from behind the trash can.) I fear a duel with yon wizard is inevitable. (Refers to the Noodle Combat area.) But after all that horseless jousting, I need a moment to restore my vigor. No, faithful squire. There is nothing more to accomplish at present.

SASHA: Good. Let’s order some nachos.OFFICER BOB: (Announces.) It looks like everything is under

control here. I’m just going to go and patrol the perimeter. (The COSPLAYERS ignore him as he EXITS RIGHT. SIMON, PUDDLES, DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT. During the next scene, SASHA EXITS RIGHT and brings back a basket of nachos. She and DONNA sit and eat.)

PUDDLES: (To SIMON.) So what’s your plan? How are you going to give Donna a reality check?

DARKNESS: Whatever it is, it won’t work. People cling to their delusions like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver.

OBSIDIAN: (Mimes clinging.) Clinging.CANKER: (Mimes drowning. Gasps.) Drowning.SIMON: Simple. Nothing makes a person conform to the norm like

public shaming and peer pressure.PUDDLES: You’re going to bully Donna into acting the way you decide?SIMON: It works on you.PUDDLES: Yeah, I guess it does. But it’s no fun.DARKNESS: Humiliation works on my dark minions, too.OBSIDIAN: Embarrassment is pain.CANKER: Shame is truth.SIMON: See? (Sees DONNA.) Watch this. (Crosses to DONNA. Loud.) Hey,

loser! Who do you think you are dressing up in funny clothes and acting all stupid? (The COSPLAYERS stop what they are doing and listen.) Why don’t you get a life? Stop pretending to be something you’re not? You’re just Donna Mitchell, sitting there in ripped pants and stupid sports gear, eating mediocre nachos in a lousy mall.

DONNA: (Begins to stand.) Are you speaking to me, sir?SASHA: (Pulls her back down.) Sit down, Donna. Don’t engage.SIMON: Not only do you look stupid, you’re a coward. Does the truth

hurt? Oh, poor baby. (The COSPLAYERS circle around behind SIMON. ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT and watches. DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, CANKER, and PUDDLES back away. DARKNESS moves behind DONNA.) Simon says, wake up and get a life.

GNUT: (Taps SIMON on the shoulder.) You need to leave.SIMON: (Without turning around.) Oh, yeah? Who’s going to make me?

(Turns, sees GNUT, and notices the crowd behind him. They aren’t smiling.) I’m just telling it like it is.

GNUT: We don’t care how it is.MACHU PICCHU: (Appears from behind GNUT.) And we don’t care

about what’s real or not.BARONESS: (Steps forward.) This is Cosplay Con. It’s a day devoted to

living in the fantasy world. And eating nachos.COSPLAYER ONE: Yeah.COSPLAYER TWO: That’s right.COSPLAYER THREE: Don’t ruin our day.COSPLAYER FOUR: Reality stinks, anyway.

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COSPLAYER THREE: All this junk is going to be worth a lot some day.COSPLAYER FOUR: Probably.OFFICER BOB: (Holds up a bag.) I sure hope so. I got a model Segway

from my all time favorite movie, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3.” (The COSPLAYERS look at OFFICER BOB blankly.) It’s going to be worth a fortune someday!

BARONESS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Back so soon? Okay, then, let’s set up the next activity, Noodle Combat: Balance of Power.

COSPLAYER ONE: Noodle Combat?COSPLAYERS: Huzzah!COSPLAYER TWO: (Looks around.) So where is it?BARONESS: Actually, I’m going to need some help setting it up.

(Disappointed, the COSPLAYERS start to disperse.) Anyone who helps will receive free refills on their soft drinks with the purchase of an official La Mancha Mall Cosplay Con souvenir cup.

COSPLAYERS: (Sufficiently motivated.) Huzzah! (BARONESS supervises the COSPLAYERS and OFFICER BOB as they set up the Noodle Combat activity STAGE LEFT. This will consist of two rehearsal blocks that can be stood upon as short pillars and some foam floor pads for safe falling. Reinforced pool noodles are also brought on. This should happen very quickly.)

BARONESS: Let’s put one block here, another here, and… Oh. It looks like you already know how to set up the arena!

OFFICER BOB: It took them longer to fill out the insurance waivers. Okay, let me take a look at the rulebook. (Consults a booklet. Two COSPLAYERS take noodles, climb onto the blocks, and begin to joust. OFFICER BOB looks up from the rulebook.) Looks like they already know the rules, too. Okay, everyone have fun and be safe. That’s all I’m asking. (Steps back. The sequence continues for a few rounds. COSPLAYERS joust by poking and jabbing with their pool noodles to push the other off their rehearsal block. When one falls, another COSPLAYER takes their place. COSPLAYERS ad-lib dialogue, including challenges, taunts, and expressions of victory or dismay. DONNA and SASHA join the crowd. ALONZO watches from a distance.)

BARONESS: (Eventually chiming in to cue the action to move forward.) Is there anyone else who would like to play?

DONNA: (Steps up.) I will gladly engage in trial by combat! (Tries to climb up onto a block. Several COSPLAYERS help her. One hands her a noodle. She stands on the block and performs a few moves as a warm up.)

BARONESS: Who will be this fair knight’s opponent?

SIMON: You’re all as deluded as she is. Am I the only one here who’s sane? Get real.

ALONZO: (Steps forward.) Quantum physics and multiverse theory would suggest that reality isn’t a fixed state. It’s always in flux. An infinite number of possibilities are created from a single action.

DONNA: The magnificent Don Machismo defends my honor! (Swoons.) My hero!

SIMON: Great. Even the nerd is on their side. Well, I say you’re all crazy!GNUT: And I say you are leaving. Now.SIMON: No! I won’t cave in to peer pressure. I’m right, and you’re all

wrong! I have to be right. It’s the only way I can ever get a date with Mindy.

MACHU PICCHU: Who’s Mindy? (The COSPLAYERS look around. OBSIDIAN and CANKER back away from DARKNESS, subtly pointing at her.)

DARKNESS: (Stands directly behind DONNA.) No, I’m not. I am… Darkness. (Poses. The COSPLAYERS all immediately accept that.)

COSPLAYER ONE: Cool.COSPLAYER TWO: Works for me.COSPLAYER THREE: You are if you say you are.PUDDLES: Looks like that peer pressure and public shaming

ricocheted back.SIMON: The truth isn’t a matter of opinion. Real is real. Even if I’m the

only one who believes it, I know I’m right.DONNA: Poor fellow.SIMON: This is all your fault! (Lunges over the table towards DONNA.

GNUT pulls SIMON away. The COSPLAYERS surge forward, and all is pandemonium for a moment.)

DONNA: (Stands on the table, above the fray.) No, dear friends! Do not harm this unfortunate fellow. He is not in his right mind!

OFFICER BOB: (Rushes ON RIGHT.) All right, kids, break it up. Back away, now. (The COSPLAYERS immediately step back. SIMON is revealed to be hiding under the table, sucking his thumb.) Come out from under there. (SIMON crawls out.) I’m putting you in protective custody. I don’t know what you did to get everyone all riled up, but you’re better off somewhere else.

SIMON: (Disoriented.) The world’s gone mad. Mad, I say. Quite, quite mad.

OFFICER BOB: Sure it has. Let’s go. (Leads SIMON OFF RIGHT.)DARKNESS: (To SIMON as he EXITS.) See ya later, Simon. Or should I

say, “Pitch”?

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SASHA: Okay, maybe you do understand.ALONZO: She’s suffering from temporary delusional fixation syndrome.SASHA: You could say that again.ALONZO: She’s suffering from temporary delusional fixation syndrome.SASHA: You know Don Ma—uh, I mean, Alonzo—it would be sooo

kind and generous of you if you could just play along and give me something to give to her. I’ll return it when she becomes unfixated.

ALONZO: Hmmm. I suppose that would be all right. Just so long as you don’t ask me to play along and pretend to be Don Machismo, because…

SASHA: Your name is Alonzo. Got it.ALONZO: All right. (Pats himself down, sees the yellow rubber gloves,

and removes one.) How about this? She kept kissing it.SASHA: Yeah, that should work.ALONZO: And she really should wash her lips, because kissing a

scrubbing glove is unsanitary. (Thinks.) Unless the disinfectant killed the germs. (Thinks again.) But then, disinfectant should never be taken orally.

SASHA: (Snatches the glove.) Got it. Wash her lips.ALONZO: That would be advisable. (Pause.) Sasha?SASHA: Yes?ALONZO: What’s Donna really like? I mean, when she’s not suffering

from temporary delusional fixation syndrome?SASHA: Oh, she’s totally normal. Totally. Normal. Gotta go. Thanks!

(Crosses to DONNA.)DONNA: Do you have the token?SASHA: (Waves the rubber glove.) It’s not exactly an embroidered

handkerchief…DONNA: (Snatches the glove and puts it on, reverently holding it up.) The

golden gauntlet of Don Machismo. (Kisses the back of her gloved hand. The COSPLAYERS, GNUT, MACHU PICCHU, and OFFICER BOB ENTER LEFT, holding shopping bags.)

COSPLAYER ONE: I can’t believe they only had a couple of Mad Max plush toys left.

COSPLAYER TWO: Well, she did say it was a clearance sale.COSPLAYER THREE: It was probably just a ploy to get us to buy

more stuff.COSPLAYER FOUR: Which totally worked!COSPLAYER ONE: Yeah. You can never have enough memorabilia.COSPLAYER TWO: You got that right!

GNUT: (To DONNA.) Are you okay?DONNA: Never better, Viking barbarian. Never better.GNUT: I am Gnut.MACHU PICCHU: If that guy had said one more unkind word, I would

have scratched his eyes out! (Arches back, acting like an angry cat.) Meowrr! Pfft! Pfft!

PUDDLES: Well, I guess I’d better go find Simon. Make sure he’s okay.SASHA: You’re sticking with a guy like that?PUDDLES: Sure. He’s my friend. My only friend.SASHA: You could do a lot better.PUDDLES: Yeah? Who would want to be friends with a guy like me?SASHA: You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you?PUDDLES: Say what?SASHA: Ugh! Fine. I’ll be your friend. But I won’t call you Puddles.

What’s your real name?PUDDLES: Rich—BARONESS: (Interrupts.) Real names don’t matter, here. Today, you

can be whoever you wish to be.PUDDLES: Really? (The COSPLAYERS nod.) Okay. Then I want to be…

(ALL lean in with anticipation.) …Richard. (The COSPLAYERS are confused and a little disappointed.) Richard the Lionhearted! (Strikes a pose. Roars.) Roar! (The COSPLAYERS approve.)

BARONESS: (Gives him her tiara.) Here. You can wear my crown. (He puts it on. The COSPLAYERS applaud.) And now you can get twenty percent off an order of nachos!

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah! (LIGHTS FADE OUT on ALL but DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER as they move DOWN LEFT.)

OBSIDIAN: Well, that didn’t go very well for Simon.CANKER: Failure is pain. Pain is truth.DARKNESS: Yeah, but that was just round one. (Holds up a phone.)

During all the commotion, I stole Donna’s phone. I’ll bet we can find something on here that will snap her out of her delusion.

OBSIDIAN: But that would mean Simon would win the bet.CANKER: You’d have to go out with him. (Disgusted.) As Mindy Leibowitz.OBSIDIAN: Why would you do that?CANKER: Do you actually like Simon?OBSIDIAN: You want to lose the bet so you can win a date with a guy

who makes fun of your freckles?DARKNESS: (Falters, then recovers.) Mind your own business. All you

need to know is that one way or the other, I’m going to get Donna

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SASHA: You want me to ask him to give me something, and then give it to you?

DONNA: Well, of course, Sasha. Are you truly so ignorant of the rites of chivalry?

SASHA: You need a favor, and then you call me ignorant? Come on, Donna, snap out of it.

DONNA: Do this one thing for me, and I shall ask nothing more from you for, shall we say, ten minutes?

SASHA: And you promise. I mean really promise, to stay right here? You won’t wander off again?

DONNA: I shall await your speedy return.SASHA: And what if he won’t give me a token?DONNA: You must persist until he does.SASHA: Well, okay. (DONNA is so happy she doesn’t hear the next line.)

But I’m only doing this because I’m your friend. Not your squire.DONNA: What’s that? You’re still here?SASHA: (Gives a little bow.) One token, coming up. (Crosses to ALONZO,

who has gone back to wiping tables. DONNA watches and paces. To ALONZO.) Uh, hey. Hi, there.

ALONZO: Yes?SASHA: You probably don’t remember me. I’m Sasha? Friends

with Donna?ALONZO: Who?SASHA: The girl who accidentally spilled the nachos. (Points to DONNA.

DONNA waves.)ALONZO: And?SASHA: I was wondering if you could do us all a favor.ALONZO: If you want more nachos, you’ll have to buy them at

the counter.SASHA: No, that’s not it. It’s about a token.ALONZO: A token?SASHA: Yeah. She’d like it if you could give her something. A present

of some kind, I guess.ALONZO: I don’t even know her. And she kept calling me Don Machismo.

My name is Alonzo.SASHA: Yeah. I’d explain, but I don’t think it would make any sense

to you.ALONZO: If I had to guess, I’d say she’s acting like someone who

sustained a very minor concussion and became psychologically attached to the last thing she was thinking about.

to give up her idiotic quest and admit she’s a poser. A fake. A fraud. (Poses.) Darkness shall swallow up the great and mighty Donna Quixote de La Mancha!

OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Evil laugh.) Bwa-ha-ha-ha—DARKNESS: No. Don’t do that. (EXITS LEFT. CANKER and OBSIDIAN

stop mid-laugh, look at each other, shrug, and follow her OFF as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP: The food court. Action continues from the end of ACT ONE, and ALL are in the same places. DONNA still stands on the table.DONNA: Okay, could someone help get me down from here? (Looks at

ALONZO, who doesn’t get the hint.)GNUT: (Helps her climb down from the table.) Here you go. I am Gnut.DONNA: Thank you, Gnut. You’re quite the gentleman, for a barbarian.MACHU PICCHU: (Steps forward.) Yeah, and he’s my barbarian, so

keep your mitts off.DONNA: And may I say, small furry person…MACHU PICCHU: Machu Picchu.DONNA: Gesundheit. And may I say that the two of you make a lovely

couple. (GNUT smiles and holds MACHU PICCHU’S hand.)MACHU PICCHU: (Purrs.) Purr. (GNUT and MACHU PICCHU move

UPSTAGE, hand in paw. ALONZO EXITS RIGHT.)BARONESS: (At the platform.) May I have everyone’s attention please?

(The COSPLAYERS stop what they are doing. BARONESS refers to a notecard.) The Vendor Venue has announced another promotion. For the next fifteen minutes, all horror film merchandise will be offered at the scary price of buy one, get one of equal or lesser value, free. Turn your worst nightmares into a double feature of fear with a terrifying selection of creepy crawlies, oozing ghoulies, ghastly ghosties, zombies, werewolves, and vampires. The “Monster Mayhem” sale begins… now! (The COSPLAYERS drop everything and race LEFT.)

COSPLAYER ONE: I love zombies.COSPLAYER TWO: The fast kind or the slow? Brain or flesh eaters?COSPLAYER ONE: All of the above. Grrr! Brains!COSPLAYER TWO: I prefer vampires. But the scary ones, not the

sparkly kind. (The COSPLAYERS EXIT LEFT. BARONESS EXITS RIGHT.)SASHA: Boy, Simon totally lost it. I wonder what that was all about.

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listen. Takes out a notecard.) I’ve just been informed that there is a clearance sale on all Mad Max plush figures at the Vendor Venue. (Reads from the card.) These soft and snuggly characters from the post-apocalyptic blockbuster film feature a variety of mutations, customizable tumors… (Looks carefully at the card, mouths “tumors,” and shakes his head.) …and a tiny can of washable silver spray paint so you can spray them in the face. This sale ends in ten minutes, or when the planet dies, whichever comes first.

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah!COSPLAYER ONE: Let’s go!COSPLAYER TWO: Customizable tumors!COSPLAYER THREE: Just what I’ve always wanted! (The COSPLAYERS

prepare to EXIT LEFT.)BARONESS: Before you go, please help Officer Bob take down the

photo booth. A little later, we’ll set up for Noodle Combat: Balance of Power.

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah! (BARONESS EXITS RIGHT.)COSPLAYER THREE: I love Noodle Combat.COSPLAYER FOUR: Me, too! (With OFFICER BOB supervising, the

COSPLAYERS remove the photo booth and boxes of accessories. OFFICER BOB and the COSPLAYERS EXIT LEFT. ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT with a broom and a dustpan, sweeps up the chips, and dumps them in the trash can.)

SASHA: Donna, I’m getting a little worried about the way you are acting.DONNA: Thank you, good squire. I freely admit that I was confused for

a while. But that’s only because I lacked a mission, a purpose, a quest. And now, I have one—to rescue the kind and generous Don Machismo from the curse of back-breaking drudgery.

SASHA: Yeah, you’re still a little confused. Maybe a lotta confused.DONNA: (Grips SASHA’S shoulders.) Sasha Pasta, I have a mission for

you. It is of vital importance.SASHA: I’m not leaving your side until you feel more yourself.DONNA: I would do it, but that would be too forward, too improper. It is

the task of a squire for her knight.SASHA: (Sighs.) What do you want me to do?DONNA: (Points to ALONZO.) Pay a call upon yonder kind and generous

Lord Don Machismo and beg from him a token.SASHA: A token?DONNA: Yes. An object that I may carry into battle so that all my

victories may honor him.

PUDDLES: It’s not over. He doesn’t like to lose.DONNA: Over? Lose? Have I caused offense in some way?PUDDLES: It’s not you, exactly. It’s not even all this dressing up and

make believe.SASHA: But then what? We’re not hurting anyone.DONNA: I am merely a humble knight-errant on a quest for glory.PUDDLES: Simon’s got a quest of his own, even if he doesn’t realize

it. And he’s not going to quit.DONNA: A quest?PUDDLES: For the hand of Mindy Leibowitz.DONNA/SASHA: (Confused.) Who?PUDDLES: (Poses.) Darkness. He’s crazy about her. Always has been.DONNA/SASHA: Ohhh.DONNA: (Decides.) All right, then. We shall do everything in our power

to help the young man win his lady love.PUDDLES: You can’t. The only way she’ll go out with him is if you stop

being Donna Quixote and give up your quest.SASHA: Well, that’s okay. (To DONNA.) This quest thing has caused you

nothing but trouble, anyway. Right?DONNA: Give up? It’s tempting, for I am weary of the burden. On my

own, I am a simple knight of no real significance. (Looks at her gloved hand.) But now I fight for the honor of Don Machismo! No. I will not. I must not yield. I’m sorry, Richard the Lionhearted, but your master and I are fated to remain steadfast enemies until one of us is vanquished.

PUDDLES: (To SASHA.) What about you? Are you going to go along with this? Someone might get hurt.

SASHA: I can’t turn my back on Donna. She’s my best friend and she needs me. Especially right now.

PUDDLES: Maybe I should go back to Simon. Try and get him to see reason and back off.

DONNA: You return to the enemy? Ah, betrayal cuts deeper than any blade.

PUDDLES: (Strong.) Nay, good knight. As sure as I am Richard the Lionhearted, I shall never betray Donna Quixote de La Mancha. For I am a man of honor.

SASHA: Hey, that was pretty good.PUDDLES: It’s kind of fun once you let go and get into it.DONNA: (Extends gloved hand.) Then go in peace, Richard the

Lionhearted, and when we meet again, whether on the field of

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BARONESS: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a basket of tortilla chips.) Is everything all right here?

DONNA: (Makes an elaborate bow.) Indeed it is, Baroness Burrito. Never better! For now I have a “raison de existence,” a quest to guide my path. (Drops to one knee and takes ALONZO’S hand.) And all because of the kind and generous Don Machismo, here.

BARONESS: I see. Well, I need Don Machismo to finish wiping off the table tops and then heat up another batch of spicy cheese sauce.

DONNA: Manual labor? For such a kind and generous nobleman? How dare you! Is he your prisoner? (Pulls on ALONZO’S hand. To ALONZO.) Uh, could you help me up again? (He does.) Many thanks. (To BARONESS.) Publish the ransom, and I shall pay it forthwith.

BARONESS: Alonzo is my employee, not my prisoner. And I pay him, not the other way around.

DONNA: This is unacceptable! What kind of a world do we live in, where beautiful souls are relegated to toiling in food services?

BARONESS: A hungry one. (Offers the basket of chips.) Here. Have some nachos, on the house.

DONNA: My honor cannot be purchased with filthy lucre. (Knocks the basket into the air.) Begone, Baroness Burrito, before I lose my temper. (SASHA notices the commotion and moves to intercept DONNA. To ALONZO.) Come away with me, Don Machismo. Let us fly this wretched hive of scum and villainy.

ALONZO: I’m not losing my job because of a fruitcake. (Points to the floor.) And look. You’ve given me more work to do. Thanks, whoever you are.

DONNA: I am… Donna Quixote de La Mancha. (Bows with a flourish.) And you are… my inspiration!

SASHA: Come with me, Donna. You’ve done enough here. (To BARONESS.) I’m sorry for this. She’s just gotten a little carried away. Can I pay for those nachos?

BARONESS: They were on the house. (Thinks of a joke.) Now they really are on the house! (Laughs.) Har!

ALONZO: I’ll get the broom. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.)DONNA: Don’t leave me, Don Machismo!ALONZO: (Shakes his head.) It’s Alonzo. (EXITS RIGHT.)SASHA: Come with me, sir knight. (Leads a distraught DONNA to the

photo booth.)BARONESS: Kids these days. They take everything so seriously. (Looks

at the chips on the floor.) That’s the way the nacho crumbles.OFFICER BOB: (ENTERS LEFT and crosses to the platform stage to

make an announcement.) Everyone? (The COSPLAYERS turn and

battle or here over nachos and soda, there shall, for my part, be no grudge.

PUDDLES: (Starts to kiss DONNA’S hand, then shakes it instead.) Fine by me. (Extends a hand to SASHA.) Friends? (SASHA grabs him and kisses him, either on the lips or on both cheeks.) Wow! What was that for?

SASHA: Let’s just say, I really like the new you.PUDDLES: Okay. Me, too. I mean, thank you. I mean… (Bows low.)

Farewell, fair maid.SASHA: (Hands on hips.) Maid? You think I’m going to be your maid?

(Refers to DONNA.) First I’m her squire, and now I’m your maid? I don’t think so.

PUDDLES: Uh, maiden. I meant to say fair maiden.SASHA: (Smiles.) I can live with that. Now be off with you… Richard.

(PUDDLES bows gallantly and EXITS RIGHT. SASHA sighs. DONNA and SASHA wave farewell.)

DONNA: (Pause.) Pity we may have to kill his master.SASHA: (Shocked.) What?DONNA: Let’s get more nachos. (Abruptly turns and EXITS RIGHT.

SASHA follows her OFF RIGHT. DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT. DARKNESS has been trying to access Donna’s phone. OBSIDIAN and CANKER are growing bored.)

DARKNESS: (Taps the screen.) The screen is locked. I’ve tried every password I can think of that a wannabe knight might use.

OBSIDIAN: How about Batman?CANKER: The Caped Crusader?OBSIDIAN: Well, he is a knight.CANKER/OBSIDIAN: (They pose.) A dark knight. (They laugh, and it’s

not very emo.)DARKNESS: Ugh! I just can’t crack this.OBSIDIAN: Maybe you should give the phone back to Donna.CANKER: Yeah. I mean, we’re all for embracing pain and misery

and stuff, but if I get in trouble for stealing, my parents might ground me.

DARKNESS: Relax. I’ll give it back. But aren’t you curious what she’s saved in here?

OBSIDIAN: Not really. Who cares what a nerd’s got on her phone?CANKER: (Only half-disgusted.) Probably a bunch of adorable puppy videos.OBSIDIAN: Oh, I love adorable puppy videos.

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SASHA: Good luck.GANDALDORE: Thank you, my good.… What was it you said you

are? Munchkin?SASHA: Sure. That’ll work.GANDALDORE: If you ever visit Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf, I shall

remember your kindness and return the favor.SASHA: Oh, it’s nothing. (Points LEFT.) The, uh, “bestiary” is that way.

Off you go, now. (Gives GANDALDORE a little push.)GANDALDORE: (Calls OFF.) You shall not escape the vengeance of

Gandaldore the Charcoal Gray! (EXITS LEFT, waving the broken wand.) Bippity, boppity, boo boo!

SASHA: Whew. (Becomes distracted by the COSPLAYERS and mingles.)DONNA: (Releases ALONZO.) Thank you, good sir. You have been of

supreme assistance in helping me evade capture.ALONZO: (Turns and looks at DONNA.) Huh?DONNA: (Staggers back.) Be still my heart! Is it possible? Here, in this

place? Fortune favors me!ALONZO: What?DONNA: (Drops to one knee and takes ALONZO’S rubber-gloved hand.)

It is you! The kindest and most generous noble of all… Don Machismo! (Kisses the back of his gloved hand multiple times.)

ALONZO: My name is Alonzo.DONNA: Nonsense! You are Don Machismo. There is no mistaking

your aristocratic bearing. But what, pray tell, are you doing here?ALONZO: I’m cleaning blobs of congealed nacho cheese off the tables.DONNA: Are you traveling the countryside incognito? Or has your

estate fallen so far, good sir?ALONZO: I just got a raise. Five cents more per hour. That’s an increase

of forty cents per shift, not taking into account—DONNA: A mere pittance. I… (Pulls on his hand.) Uh, could you help me

up? (ALONZO does.) Thank you, kind and generous Don Machismo. As I was saying, I shall make it my personal mission to see you raised back to your former glory.

ALONZO: That’s really not necessary. Now if you will excuse me—DONNA: Not necessary? It is a matter of honor, sir! My pitiful existence

was beyond worthless because I had no quest for which to dedicate my skills. And now I have found one! Thank you! Thank you, dear Don Machismo! (Tries to grab his gloved hand to kiss it again, but he pulls it away.)

ALONZO: It’s Alonzo, not Don Machismo.

CANKER: Me, too! (They giggle, do a little woofing and wagging, then catch themselves and regain their emo-ness.)

OBSIDIAN: Puppies are pathetic.CANKER: Total losers. (ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT, sweeping.)DARKNESS: (Gives up.) We need someone smart enough to defeat

the password and hack into this phone. (Looks around and sees ALONZO.) Hey, that’s Alonzo. He’s in all the AP classes. Some kind of genius-nerd. We need to lure him over here and trick him into helping us.

OBSIDIAN: Say no more.CANKER: Leave it to us. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER cross to ALONZO.)OBSIDIAN: Hey there, handsome.ALONZO: (Flustered.) Do you… mean me?CANKER: Who else?OBSIDIAN: (Plucks at his shirt.) I just love a man in uniform. Don’t

you, Canker?CANKER: (Plays with his hat.) I sure do.ALONZO: It’s just a busboy uniform.OBSIDIAN: But it takes a real man to fill it out.CANKER: Are you a real man, Alonzo?ALONZO: Of course. The human body has 32.2 trillion cells. Every one

of my cells contains both X and Y chromosomes in their nuclei, so that makes me male. Uh, a man.

OBSIDIAN: Ooh, I love it when you talk all sciency!CANKER: Yeah. All those XYZs and chromosomes and stuff.OBSIDIAN: So can you do us a favor, male man?ALONZO: A favor? (Starts to take off his remaining glove.)OBSIDIAN: (Points to DARKNESS.) That dark lady over there forgot the

password to her phone. (They lead ALONZO toward DARKNESS.)CANKER: She needs your amazing brain to crack it for her.ALONZO: Defeat a lock screen? Sure, I can do that. No problem.DARKNESS: (Hands him the phone.) Make it so. If you can get me back

in, I’ll pay you twenty bucks.ALONZO: Twenty dollars? Fascinating. (DARKNESS pulls the money out

and waves it.) That’s how much my five-cent-per-hour raise would accrue after fifty hours of work, not factoring in deductions for—

DARKNESS: I really don’t care. Do you want the money or not?ALONZO: And you’re sure this is your phone. This one with a picture of

a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero on the case?DARKNESS: Sure.

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SASHA: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. To herself.) I wish Donna would quit wandering off like that. How hard should it be to find someone walking around in public dressed up in a silly costume? (Looks around.) Right. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack without a magnet. (Looks to the heavens.) I’m trying to be my sister’s keeper and be a good friend here. Is it too much to ask for a little help? (DONNA ENTERS DOWN RIGHT in a rush, carrying the putter and still wearing the additional pads, boots, and helmet. SASHA sees her and looks back up.) Uh, thanks?

DONNA: (Crosses to SASHA.) Sasha, where have you been? You’ve got to quit wandering off like that. I’m afraid I’ve gotten into a bit of the proverbial pickle.

SASHA: Why am I not surprised? (Points to the putter.) Does it have anything to do with that putter?

DONNA: (Holds it up.) You mean Excalibone? Indeed, you have deduced it, my Sherlockian squire. I am being pursued by a vengeful, evil wizard, and at the moment do not have the wherewithal to confront him.

GANDALDORE: (ENTERS RIGHT, looks around the crowd, and grabs a COSPLAYER.) No, you’re not the chosen one.

COSPLAYER ONE: Hey, watch it. (GANDALDORE turns and grabs another.)COSPLAYER TWO: Excuse me!SASHA: So what does a knight do if she isn’t prepared to fight

a battle?DONNA: I can think of only one thing.SASHA: Me, too.DONNA/SASHA: Hide!DONNA: (Works her way through the crowd and toward the dining

area, RIGHT. To COSPLAYERS.) Excuse me… sorry… I do beg your pardon… please forgive me… coming through.

SASHA: (Works her way toward GANDALDORE.) Make way… move along… We’re not the droids you’re looking for.

GANDALDORE: Yield, I say. Move aside. Honestly. It’s like herding hobbits.SASHA: What up, Wiz?GANDALDORE: (Looks SASHA up and down.) By any chance, have you

seen an oddly dressed female pass by?SASHA: (Makes a point of looking around.) Nobody here but us Munchkins.GANDALDORE: I’m sure I followed her to this very establishment.

(Looks over and around SASHA, who tries to block GANDALDORE’S view. DONNA grabs ALONZO and uses him as a shield.)

SASHA: Maybe she went to the pet store.GANDALDORE: The bestiary! Of course! I shall continue my search there.

ALONZO: Well, as long as you’re not asking me to do anything illegal…OBSIDIAN: (Has second thoughts.) Actually… (DARKNESS shushes her.)ALONZO: (Taps the phone. Hands it back to DARKNESS.) There you go.CANKER: I am so grounded!DARKNESS: How did you do that? What was the password?ALONZO: Irrelevant. I bypassed the lock screen and circumvented the

security features. It’s not that difficult. But you’ll want to reset your password, anyway, so you can remember it next time.

DARKNESS: You really are a genius.ALONZO: Yes, I really am. When I graduate from high school, I hope to

get a scholarship and become an electrical engineer. I’m not going to be a busboy for Baroness Burrito forever. I’ve got plans.

DARKNESS: Donna would call that a quest.ALONZO: Oh, I don’t know about that. More of a life goal.DARKNESS: I have no doubt that you will succeed. (Hands him

the money.)ALONZO: Thanks. If you don’t mind my asking, why do you wear black

all the time?OBSIDIAN: Black is pain.CANKER: Pain is truth.ALONZO: Yes, well, I don’t know anything about that. But did you know

that black isn’t really a color? True black doesn’t actually exist. Light is absorbed into the fabric and none of the spectral rays are reflected back out. You could say that your clothing is filled with light. More so than anyone else’s.

OBSIDIAN: Really?CANKER: Cool.ALONZO: Whereas my white apron just bounces all the light right back

out into the world. Well, I’d better get back to sweeping. Glad I could help you with your phone, and thanks for the twenty dollars. (EXITS RIGHT, sweeping.)

DARKNESS: Blackness is actually filled with light but doesn’t send any back out into the world. I hadn’t thought of it like that. (Pauses. Recovers.) Let’s see what’s on this phone, shall we? (Taps the screen.) Photo album. Oh, my. Oh, yes. This will do just fine. (To OBSIDIAN and CANKER.) Come with me, minions.

OBSIDIAN: Where are we going?DARKNESS: To the Photo Shoppe.CANKER: Aren’t we going to have anything to eat?OBSIDIAN: Hunger is pain.

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BARONESS: Oh, that’s not what I meant. Sure, you’re a mathematical nerd of epic proportions. But this idea you had for offering a discount on nachos is really raking in the cash.

ALONZO: It was just a matter of creating an algorithm to estimate profits based on upselling high-profit menu items to counterbalance the lack thereof incurred by selling the nachos at cost.

BARONESS: Exactly. Whatever. The point is, I’m breaking even on the nacho sales and making a bundle on all the other stuff customers buy to go with them.

ALONZO: I believe that is what I just said.BARONESS: Right. So, how long have you been working with me now,

Alonzo?ALONZO: Two years, three months, and seventeen days.BARONESS: Really? That’s the longest I’ve ever managed to keep an

employee. Well, I say it’s time you got a raise. You are about to take your first bold and daring step beyond minimum wage. Isn’t that exciting?

ALONZO: Thank you, Baroness Burrito. How much?BARONESS: Five cents an hour. How does that sound?ALONZO: That would result in an accumulation of forty additional

cents per eight-hour shift, before deductions for state and federal income taxes, FICA, and Social Security.

BARONESS: No one can say I don’t reward initiative. Now, be a dear and wipe down these tables. There are tortilla chip crumbs and globs of nacho cheese everywhere.

ALONZO: Yes, Baroness. (Pulls yellow rubber gloves and a rag from the tub and begins to wipe the tables.)

BARONESS: (Moves to platform stage, takes out a notecard, and announces.) Ladies and gentlemen, aliens, animals, mythical creatures, and assorted freaks of the Cosplay Con. (ALL COSPLAYERS stop what they are doing and listen.) I want to thank you all for participating in this wonderful event, and hope you will make many lasting memories, particularly at the reasonably priced photo booth, hosted by our friends at… (Refers to the notecard.) …The Photo Shoppe and the La Mancha High School drama department. What a glorious opportunity to revel in the wonder of imagination, fantasy, and creativity. May your dreams come true this day, here at Cosplay Con. (ALL cheer and clap.) Also, please dispose of all trash in the receptacles provided. I’m the Baroness Burrito after all, not your mother. (Laughs. No one else laughs.) Right. So, carry on and keep cosplaying. (ALL cheer. BARONESS steps down from the stage and mingles with the COSPLAYERS before EXITING RIGHT.)

CANKER: Hunger is stupid. (They EXIT LEFT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP in front of the curtain on another part of the mall. There is a bench CENTER. DONNA ENTERS RIGHT, followed by SASHA, who carries a basket of chips. DONNA stops and ponders.SASHA: What’s wrong? You hardly touched your nachos. Mind if I finish

them? (Eats.)DONNA: Sasha, I am troubled. Confused.SASHA: I’ve noticed. Want to talk about it?DONNA: Things aren’t turning out the way I expected. I thought when

I began this quest that I would be living a glorious adventure. Righting wrongs. Rescuing people. Making a difference in this sad, broken world.

SASHA: (Eats.) And instead?DONNA: All I’ve done is make enemies and cause trouble. There’s an

evil wizard roaming the countryside seeking to destroy me, and young Simon Carrasco shouted and lunged at me. If it weren’t for the colorfully dressed peasants intervening, I might have been overwhelmed. Not to mention, I’m terrible at that horseless jousting game. The furry cat person knocked me off my block with a single swipe of her noodle.

SASHA: You’ve always been a bit on the clumsy side. It’s one of your greatest charms. (DONNA squeezes her head.) How’s your headache?

DONNA: Better, thank you, squire. But I’m plagued with thoughts, visions from another life.

SASHA: Maybe you’re getting your memory back. Becoming your real self again.

DONNA: Or I could have been bewitched by the Black Enchantress.SASHA: Who?DONNA: The Black Enchantress and her minions. A gloomy, morbid

figure, dressed all in black. I’ve seen her lurking about with her dread acolytes.

SASHA: I know who you mean. Darkness and her emo entourage. I wouldn’t worry about them. They are only into making themselves miserable.

DONNA: Then what could it be? What’s wrong with me? If only I could see clearly, realize who I truly am and what purpose I have been

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GANDALDORE: You’ve already pounded it with your lance… a lot. And you’re going to pay for that.

DONNA: I must administer the “coup de grâce.” (Tries to take putter from GANDALDORE, who holds on.)

GANDALDORE: Unhand the putter, er… Excalibone!DONNA: First I must disarm you! (They wrestle until DONNA finally pulls

the putter away.)GANDALDORE: Give that back. (Points her wand. It is now bent at an

odd angle.) I’m warning you.DONNA: The sword is mine by right of combat.GANDALDORE: My wand! Look what you’ve done to my wand! (Aside.)

I should have upgraded to the sonic screwdriver. (To DONNA.) Okay, that’s it. (Pushes up sleeves.) Now it’s personal. (Picks up the other putter.)

DONNA: You may redeem your honor at another time, wizard, for I must be off on another adventure. (Runs over to the broken windmill and stabs it with the putter.) Die, you gargantuan giant, die!

GANDALDORE: Aarrgh!DONNA: (Turns to GANDALDORE.) Until a more opportune time…

(Bows.) …adieu. (EXITS RIGHT with the putter, leaving the hockey stick behind.)

GANDALDORE: Run! Flee! But you won’t escape my wrath. Wherever you go, I shall find you and have my revenge. My mission in life is to ruin your quest, sir knight. You shall not pass! You shall become an epic fail! (Adjusts her hat and beard, tucks a putter into her belt, and EXITS RIGHT after DONNA. COSPLAYERS look at each other, shrug, and go back to playing. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP: The food court. A small platform stage is UP CENTER. COSPLAYERS dress up and pose at a photo booth LEFT. A dining area sits STAGE RIGHT, with tables and chairs or benches. OFF RIGHT leads to La Mancha Cantina. COSPLAYERS are scattered about, mingling, eating, posing for photographs, and admiring costumes. BARONESS BURRITO ENTERS RIGHT, followed by ALONZO, who carries a plastic tub with a rag and rubber gloves.BARONESS: Alonzo, you are a genius!ALONZO: (Matter-of-fact.) Yes, Baroness Burrito. I know.

given, then I might continue my quest with renewed vigor and confidence. (Sits.)

SASHA: (Puts her hands on DONNA’S shoulders.) It’s okay, Donna. Even a knight is allowed to have a bad day once in awhile.

DONNA: (Startles.) That’s it! That’s what’s wrong! (Thrashes.) Help me up, would you, Sasha?

SASHA: (Does so.) What did I say?DONNA: You have cut me to the quick, good squire.SASHA: Uh, sorry?DONNA: The truth is indeed a double-edged sword. In my zeal to right

wrongs, I resisted admitting it, even to myself. But, however it pains me to say, the truth is plain. (Takes a deep breath.) I am not a true knight.

SASHA: (Relieved.) Well, I’m glad to hear you say that. It took you long enough.

DONNA: It matters not that I have armor and the magnificent sword Excalibone, nor even the Golden Gauntlet of the glorious Don Machismo. These do avail me naught because I have never actually been knighted by one of noble birth.

SASHA: Oh.BARONESS: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing another tiara. To SASHA.) Excuse

me. Nacho baskets aren’t supposed to be taken out of the food court. You can come back in, or I can take it for you if you’re finished.

SASHA: Oh, sorry. (Hands her the basket.) I see you got your tiara back.BARONESS: This thing? I buy them by the dozen. It’s just a cheap

plastic headband to keep my hair out of the food. I break about one a week. But it helps with the “Baroness” image. (Starts to take it off.) Do you want one? I’m thinking about giving them away with the purchase of a kid’s combo platter.

SASHA: No, thanks. I’m okay. (Gestures to self.) Clashes with the whole squire image.

DONNA: (Kneels.) Good Baroness of the food court…BARONESS: Yes?DONNA: I have a boon to ask of you.BARONESS: A boon? What’s a boon?DONNA: A favor.BARONESS: Sure, kiddo. What do you need?DONNA: I was wondering if… I was hoping you might…BARONESS: Spit it out. I’ve got customers waiting.

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GANDALDORE: I don’t think so. We have ogres and trolls, orcs and dragons, but no giants. Except for our groundskeeper, Haggis, but he’s harmless.

DONNA: (Points at the windmill.) There. A giant stands right over there, threatening those peasants. (Refers to the COSPLAYERS.)

GANDALDORE: You mean the Walloping Windmill?DONNA: I must protect the innocent rabble from harm. (Hoists the

hockey stick.) En garde, you ginormous giant! (Charges at the windmill. The COSPLAYERS scatter and watch. DONNA begins beating the windmill with her stick.) Take that! And that! Begone, you beastly brute. You shall terrorize these people no more!

GANDALDORE: Stop it! You’re wrecking my windmill!DONNA: (Drops the stick, wrestles with the windmill, and rips off a

windmill blade.) This will teach you to torment the defenseless, you rogue! You rapscallion!

GANDALDORE: (Approaches DONNA and pulls out a magic wand.) I, Gandaldore the Charcoal Gray, supreme wizard of middle mall, order you to cease and desist! (Points the wand.) Bippity, boppity, boo boo! (DONNA stops wrestling the windmill, stands, and looks at GANDALDORE. GANDALDORE stares at the wand, surprised.) Hey, it worked.

DONNA: (Points at one of the putters GANDALDORE is holding.) By Grabthar’s Holy Hammer, there it is!

GANDALDORE: There what is?DONNA: (Points.) Excalibone! The sacred sword of Sushi, the Shielded

City of Shysensee.GANDALDORE: Say that again?DONNA: Excalibone?GANDALDORE: No, the other part.DONNA: Sacred sword of Sushi, the Shielded City of Shysensee.GANDALDORE: Okay, just wanted to make sure I heard that right. Now

say it three times, fast.DONNA: No more witty wordplay, wizard. Give me Excalibone, or face

certain peril.GANDALDORE: I have no idea what you are talking about.DONNA: (Points.) The sacred sword.GANDALDORE: (Holds up a putter.) What, you mean this? No way.DONNA: Way!GANDALDORE: What do you want it for?DONNA: (Points to the windmill.) To dispatch yon giant, of course.

DONNA: Could you do me the great honor of dubbing me knight of the realm?

BARONESS: Like King Arthur? (Points to the putter.) Tapping you on the shoulder with your, uh, sword?

DONNA: If your baronessness would be so kind.BARONESS: Sure. It’s Cosplay Con, after all. Anything goes. Do you

want me to do it right now?DONNA: (Signals for SASHA to help her up.) Right this moment?BARONESS: Sure.DONNA: I need to keep a vigil first, to cleanse and prepare myself—

heart, mind, and soul—to receive the gift of your grace and title.BARONESS: Oh. That sounds serious. How long do you need, do you

think? We’re going to have a costume parade in a little while.DONNA: Five or ten minutes?BARONESS: No problem. You know where to find me. Toodles!

(EXITS LEFT.)SASHA: I thought you were getting better.DONNA: Oh, I am. Or I will be once I am properly knighted. (Looks

around.) I shall retire here to prepare. During my vigil, I shall be vulnerable to attack. Will you keep watch for me? Warn me if the wicked wizard or another foe should approach?

SASHA: Okay, I guess so.DONNA: Thank you, Sasha Pasta. (Kneels beside the bench, assumes

a prayerful pose, and leans on the putter. SASHA hovers over her.) Stand a bit off, would you, good squire?

SASHA: Huh? Oh, sure. No problem. (Moves a bit back.)DONNA: (Prays.) Oh, great author of The Golden Age of Spaincraft, I

don’t know if you can hear me. I am but a humble would-be knight of the realm, seeking honor and goodness to become a bright spark in the darkness. Oh, Master of the Game, where there is hatred, let me plant seeds of love. Where harm has been done, let me extend forgiveness. Where people are crippled by doubt and cynicism, let me show them trust in things unseen. Where there is despair, let me inspire hope. Where there is darkness, I wish to bring light. Where there is sadness, joy. (Waits.) That’s pretty much it. So if you want to test me before I receive my knighthood, to prove my worthiness, I’ll endure whatever you send me. (DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT, carrying large photographs.)

DARKNESS: Well, look who we’ve found. If it isn’t our wandering hero.SASHA: (Intervenes.) You guys need to leave Donna alone. She’s doing

a vigil-thing.

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DONNA: A worthy sheriff, indeed. (Looks around.) Now that I am fully equipped for a quest, the next thing I must do is find a wrong to right, an injustice to remedy, a plot to thicken. (Looks OFF LEFT.) Hmmm. That way looks promising. (Strikes a pose.) Questward, ho! (EXITS LEFT.)

SASHA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Okay, that was pricy. But I figure we can return most of this stuff when you come to your senses. (Looks around.) Donna? Oh, no. Donna! (EXITS LEFT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

CURTAIN UP on Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf. There is a scaled-down windmill with detachable blades (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) and a sign indicating the name of the course. Several pairs of COSPLAYERS ENTER LEFT with putters, playing the course. One couple makes their shots, complete the course, and congratulate each other. GANDALDORE, wearing a Merlin-style wizard costume, ENTERS RIGHT. Two COSPLAYERS hand GANDALDORE their putters.GANDALDORE: Thank you, middle-world mugglings. I trust your time in

my bewitched realm was spellbinding?COSPLAYER ONE: Sure.COSPLAYER TWO: Yep. Thanks.COSPLAYER ONE: (To COSPLAYER TWO.) Want to go get some nachos?COSPLAYER TWO: Sure. All this exercise has given me an appetite.

(They EXIT LEFT. DONNA ENTERS RIGHT, still wearing the ridiculous garb from the sporting goods store.)

GANDALDORE: (To DONNA.) Welcome to Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf. No potions in glass containers, please, no hexing your friends, and no cursing, supernatural or otherwise. Eighteen holes, nine dollars. Cash or credit only. Fairy and goblin gold are not legal tender here at Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf! Care to play eighteen enchanted holes?

DONNA: Not just now, good wizard, for I am on a quest.GANDALDORE: Really? Searching for the pot of gold at the end of

the rainbow? We have a fairyland fairway with leprechauns on the green.

DONNA: I seek no such filthy lucre. I am a knight-errant, sworn to right wrongs, defend the helpless, and chastise brigands.

GANDALDORE: Sorry, we’re fresh out of brigands here. Maybe a boggart or a banshee, but no brigands.

DONNA: (Spots the windmill.) A-ha! Is that a giant I behold before me?

DARKNESS: But we’ve got something for her.DONNA: (Rises.) The Dark Enchantress. Have you come to put me to

the test?DARKNESS: Something like that.DONNA: It’s all right, squire. I must submit to this ordeal before I am

knighted. (To DARKNESS.) Shall I go with you?DARKNESS: Don’t bother. We deliver.DONNA: What do you desire of me?SASHA: Don’t let them do this, Donna. They want to hurt you.DARKNESS: I only want you to see the truth. You’re not afraid of a little

truth, are you?DONNA: Of course not. It’s my prime directive.SASHA: (To DARKNESS.) Mindy, please.DARKNESS: Don’t call me that. I am Darkness! And you heard what

she said. She wants us to show her the truth.SASHA: But she can’t handle the truth.DARKNESS: Back off, Pasta, or you’re next.DONNA: (Steels herself.) You may proceed, Dark Enchantress.DARKNESS: (To SASHA. Sneers.) See? (Shows DONNA the first

photograph. During this interrogation, DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER circle around her, keeping DONNA dizzy and off balance, surrounded by photographs.) Recognize anyone here?

DONNA: It’s a baby, wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume.DARKNESS: And the caption says, “Donna’s first Halloween.” So what

were you? Who were you?DONNA: I was Winnie the Pooh.DARKNESS: Really? Did Winnie the Pooh grow up to become a knight?DONNA: No. He’s a silly old bear.DARKNESS: So you weren’t really Winnie the Pooh, but a just baby in

a costume.SASHA: Don’t answer her, Donna.DARKNESS: (Shows another photograph.) How about this one? You

look like you’re maybe five years old here. Who are you here?DONNA: The Easter Bunny. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER hop like bunnies.)DARKNESS: Is this a Halloween picture?DONNA: No.DARKNESS: You dressed up in a costume for no reason?DONNA: There was an Easter egg hunt.DARKNESS: Playing at… pretending to be the Easter Bunny. Right?

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CLERK: I guess so.OFFICER BOB: (To DONNA.) Do you want to press charges?DONNA: This can all be settled amicably… (To CLERK.) …by a duel to

the death at moonrise.OFFICER BOB: Hey! Hey! We’ll have no talk of dueling in this mall. Not

on my watch.SASHA: How about if I just pay for the stuff? I’ve got the purse,

apparently. (Pulls out a credit card.)OFFICER BOB: (Looks at DONNA and CLERK.) Any objections?DONNA: Pay the merchant, squire.CLERK: (Snatches the credit card.) Come inside the store, and I’ll ring

you up. (DONNA starts to follow.) Not you. (To SASHA.) Just the cardholder… uh, the carrier of the purse.

SASHA: (To OFFICER BOB.) Can you keep an eye on her until I get back?

OFFICER BOB: Of course. (SASHA and CLERK EXIT RIGHT. To DONNA.) Well, that was exciting.

DONNA: I am an honest knight. I swear upon my honor I meant no thievery.

OFFICER BOB: Gotcha. Hey, while we’re here, do you mind if I shine my flashlight in your eyes?

DONNA: Why?OFFICER BOB: Just checking your pupils. Want to make sure you don’t

have a concussion or anything.DONNA: I did sustain a blow to the head earlier.OFFICER BOB: (Shines a penlight in DONNA’S eyes, back and forth.)

Are you on any medications? Prescriptions, or… uh… otherwise?DONNA: None, good sir.OFFICER BOB: Pupil dilation is normal. That’s a good sign. But you

should see the medic first chance you get. Rule out anything serious.DONNA: I assure you, I am well.OFFICER BOB: All this play-acting going on, it’s hard to tell. (SOUND

EFFECT: WALKIE TALKIE SQUAWKS. OFFICER BOB answers it.) This is security. (Listens.) What’s that? A cat girl is chasing a Viking barbarian around the pet store and scaring the hamsters? Ten four. (To DONNA.) Gotta go. Wait here for your friend, okay? Have fun, but be safe.

DONNA: You are a reputable constable, deserving of respect.OFFICER BOB: Thanks. I take my job seriously. Keeping the peace.

That’s what it’s all about. (SOUND EFFECT: WALKIE TALKIE SQUAWKS. Speaks into it.) I’m on my way. (EXITS LEFT.)

DONNA: I… I…DARKNESS: (Another photograph.) Do you eat brains? Are you a

reanimated corpse?DONNA: Of course not.DARKNESS: Well, here’s Zombie Donna. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER

stumble around like zombies.) Pictures don’t lie. Are you a zombie?DONNA: No. It was for the Zombie Mall Crawl.DARKNESS: (More photos.) Vampire Donna. Chewbacca Donna.

Ballerina Donna. Pirate Donna.DONNA: It’s just pretend… Imagination. Fun. (CANKER EXITS LEFT.)DARKNESS: So many Donnas. Which one is real? Are any of them real?DONNA: Playing… fantasy… just a game…DARKNESS: (Fake sympathy.) I understand. It’s all in fun. Playing dress

up. I get it.DONNA: My head hurts.DARKNESS: And now you’re a knight? Come on, Donna. Get real.SASHA: Where did you get these pictures? (CANKER ENTERS LEFT

with ALONZO.)CANKER: Here he is. The man of the hour.ALONZO: (To DARKNESS.) Do you need help with your phone again?DONNA: Don Machismo?DARKNESS: (Takes out Donna’s phone.) Oh, this? Yes, thank you so

much, Alonzo. But silly me, once you cracked the password for me, I discovered it isn’t even my phone. No wonder I couldn’t open it. (Hands the phone to DONNA.) Turns out, it belongs to my friend Donna here.

SASHA: (To ALONZO.) You hacked Donna’s phone for Darkness?ALONZO: I… she said it was her phone.SASHA: Does Darkness look like the kind of person who would have

a picture of a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero on the case? Some genius you are.

OBSIDIAN: (To DONNA.) Your boyfriend sold you out for twenty bucks. (DONNA pockets the phone.)

DARKNESS: My bad. Tell you what. Go ahead and keep the twenty bucks I gave you.

ALONZO: You tricked me. (Throws the money on the ground. CANKER picks it up.) I don’t want your money. I’d rather bus tables for an extra fifty hours. (To DONNA.) I’m really sorry.

DONNA: (Strips off her glove.) I… I forgive you, Don Mach… I mean, Alonzo. No harm done. (Gives him a weak smile as he takes the glove. ALONZO starts to say something, but stops and EXITS LEFT.)

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DONNA: (In a daze.) What?CLERK: (Grabs DONNA.) You can’t just take stuff out of the store

without paying.DONNA: (Stands.) Unhand me, sir! (Shrugs away.)CLERK: Shoplifting is a crime, you know.DONNA: (Pushes CLERK.) Do not manhandle a knight of the realm,

you varlet!CLERK: Don’t try to run away. I’m calling security. (Blows whistle. SASHA

and OFFICER BOB ENTER LEFT.)SASHA: There she is.CLERK: Security! Security!OFFICER BOB: Okay, what’s this all about?CLERK: This maniac stole a bunch of stuff from the store.DONNA: This villainous knave placed hands upon my person.CLERK: I’ll do more than that, if you don’t pay for what you stole.OFFICER BOB: Okay, everybody just calm down. (To DONNA.) Did you

take something from the store?CLERK: Of course she did. Just look at her. Didn’t even try to hide it.OFFICER BOB: You’ll get your chance. (To DONNA.) Did you pay for

these items?DONNA: How could I? My squire has absconded with my purse.OFFICER BOB: Squire?SASHA: She means me.DONNA: Can you imagine a knight of the realm such as myself, carrying

the purse?OFFICER BOB: (Sizes her up.) Yeah, a purse would definitely not match

your ensemble.CLERK: I don’t care who has the purse. That goofball is a shoplifter.OFFICER BOB: Look. Her friend says she got hit on the head with a

book and is acting kind of looney. So how about they just pay for the items, and you drop the charges?

CLERK: (Sulks.) She roughed me up.OFFICER BOB: (To DONNA.) Did you hit this person?DONNA: Upon my honor, I did no such thing.OFFICER BOB: (To CLERK.) Well?CLERK: (Admits.) It was more of a push.OFFICER BOB: And what were you doing when she pushed you?CLERK: Uh, tugging on the shoulder pads.OFFICER BOB: So you initiated the physical contact?

DARKNESS: Let me show you just one more image.SASHA: Haven’t you done enough?DARKNESS: Not quite. (Produces a small mirror.) Take a good look.

Who do you see?DONNA: (Stares into mirror.) I… it’s… me. I think.DARKNESS: Which you? Who are you pretending to be now?OBSIDIAN: Pooh Bear? (DONNA shakes her head after each character

is named.)CANKER: Ballerina?OBSIDIAN: Zombie?CANKER: Easter Bunny?DARKNESS: Knight?DONNA: (Confused.) No. I’m not a knight. Am I?DARKNESS: Then what are you? Who are you?DONNA: (Sinks to her knees.) I’m… I’m… Donna Mitchell. I’m…

nobody. (Collapses.)SASHA: (Crosses to DONNA and puts her hands on DONNA’S shoulders.

To DARKNESS.) You’ve done your worst. Now get out of here. Go.DARKNESS: (Backs away.) Sorry. I had to do it.SASHA: Why? What could make a person do something so heartless?

So cruel?DARKNESS: (Bitter laugh.) Ha. Would you believe… love? (Recovers.

Snaps her fingers.) Come on, minions. Our work here is done.OBSIDIAN: But now you’ve lost the bet.CANKER: You have to go back to being Mindy and go on a date with

Simon Carrasco.DARKNESS: Might as well make the most of it. Let’s go. (EXITS LEFT,

followed by OBSIDIAN and CANKER.)SASHA: (Holds DONNA, who is barely conscious.) Oh, Donna. It’s going

to be okay. I’m going to find Officer Bob, and we’re going to call the paramedics. You’re going to be all right. Don’t go anywhere. I have to get help. (EXITS RIGHT. GNUT and MACHU PICCHU ENTER LEFT.)

GNUT: Hey, are you okay? (DONNA nods, waves them away.)MACHU PICCHU: I’m sorry about your fall in the game shop. And

knocking you off the block in Noodle Combat. No hard feelings?DONNA: (Sad smile.) None.GNUT: Hope to see you at the costume parade.DONNA: Thanks, Billy.GNUT: I am Gnut! (GNUT and MACHU PICCHU EXIT LEFT.)

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DARKNESS: (Falters.) A date? You want to take me on a date?SIMON: I want to take Mindy on a date. I’ve always liked her. You. But

this Darkness thing is a total buzzkill.OBSIDIAN: What makes you think Darkness would want to go out on

a date with you?CANKER: Yeah. You’re so… so… mundane!PUDDLES: Simon, no one could make Donna normal. It’s impossible.

You’re dreaming.SIMON: So, it’s an impossible dream. I like a challenge. And the Mindy

that I used to know is worth the effort.DARKNESS: (Flustered.) I don’t know what to say.OBSIDIAN: Tell him to forget it.CANKER: We look up to you. (To PUDDLES.) If she turns her back on

the Darkness… (Shrugs.) …then she’ll see the light?DONNA: Sasha? Where are you? (Sinks to her knees.) A knight without

a squire is a lonely thing.DARKNESS: (To SIMON.) I accept your wager. If you can make Donna

act like a normal human being, I’ll stop being Darkness for one day and go back to being Mindy.

SIMON: And go out with me. Dinner at the food court and a round of mini golf.

OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Groan.) Ugh!DARKNESS: But if you fail, you must shed your stupid football jersey,

dress all in black, mousse your hair straight up, and go by the name of… “Pitch.”

PUDDLES: Don’t do it, Simon.DARKNESS: (Refers to PUDDLES.) And your little dog, too. We’ll call

him “Coal.”OBSIDIAN: Pitch and Coal. (Makes a very un-emo sound.) Snort.CANKER: I like it! (Recovers emo poise.) I mean, I hate it.SIMON: (Extends a hand.) Deal.DARKNESS: (Shakes his hand.) Deal.SIMON: (Softens.) Mindy.DARKNESS: (Mocks.) Pitch. (Snatches hand away. Waves.) Come on,

minions. (EXITS LEFT, followed by OBSIDIAN and CANKER.)PUDDLES: See ya, ladies. (To SIMON.) Well, that was… uh… nice.SIMON: (Watches DONNA and thinks.) Hmmm. Let’s go, Puddles. I’ve

got to strategize. (EXITS LEFT, followed by PUDDLES.)CLERK: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed in a referee shirt with a whistle around

his neck. Sees DONNA.) You! Hey, you! Come back here.

DONNA: (Stands, removes her “armor,” and leaves it in a pile.) Where there is despair… (Can’t remember the rest.) …where there is doubt… (Shakes her head.) …where there is sadness… (Shrugs. EXITS LEFT, dragging the putter.)

SIMON: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed in full Goth costume, with spiked hair. PUDDLES ENTERS with him, dressed as before.) I still think you should have to dress up too.

PUDDLES: I didn’t make the bet. You did. I’m not the one who wants to go on a date with Darkness. You are. Besides. I’ve got my teeny crown.

SIMON: But I look ridiculous.PUDDLES: Yes. Yes, you do.SIMON: It was worth a try, though. Mindy is worth it.PUDDLES: Keep telling yourself that.SIMON: And who are you supposed to be with that tiny crown?PUDDLES: My name is Richard. (Poses.) The Lionhearted.SIMON: Okay, that’s not ridiculous at all… Puddles.PUDDLES: And don’t call me Puddles anymore. It’s not funny, and I

don’t like it.SIMON: But I’ve always called you Puddles.PUDDLES: Never again. Or you can find yourself another friend to pick on.SIMON: (Pauses.) Okay… Richard. But I’m not calling you …

the Lionhearted.PUDDLES: Richard is fine… Pitch.SIMON: (Realizes.) Oh, man! For a second I even forgot I was wearing

this stupid costume.PUDDLES: Funny how that can happen. (OFFICER BOB and SASHA

ENTER RIGHT.)SASHA: She was right here just a minute ago. (Sees the pile of “armor.”)

Here’s her armor.OFFICER BOB: We should probably split up and look for her.SIMON: What’s going on, Officer Bob?OFFICER BOB: (Looks at SIMON.) Simon Carrasco?SIMON: In the flesh. But for the rest of the Cosplay Con, my name

is Pitch.OFFICER BOB: Wow. When you promised to stop acting like a bully and

join in the fun, you weren’t kidding.SIMON: It’s never too late to make a change.OFFICER BOB: I guess not. You haven’t seen Donna Mitchell around,

have you?

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OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Whisper. Pose.) Darkness.PUDDLES: Okay, that’s disturbing. (To OBSIDIAN.) And why are you

Obsidian? Do you collect igneous rocks?OBSIDIAN: No. Obsidian is darker than dark, blacker than black.CANKER: Plus, it’s shiny.OBSIDIAN: Yeah. I like shiny.OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Whisper. Pose.) Shiny.SIMON: (To CANKER.) What about you, Canker?CANKER: One Halloween I ate too much candy and got a canker sore

on my tongue. Candy is good. But it caused me pain. Ergo…OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Whisper. Pose.) Pain. Pain is good. Canker is truth.SIMON: (To DARKNESS.) I think your wannabes are trying a little

too hard.DARKNESS: I know. As minions, they are insufferable. But I must

tolerate them. They are drawn to the… (Whisper. Pose.) Darkness.SIMON: You weren’t so dark when you were freckle-faced Mindy

Leibowitz in the third grade. Don’t forget, I knew you then.DARKNESS: Mindy Leibowitz is gone. She has been swallowed up

by… Darkness.SIMON: (Looks closely at her face.) Yeah, well the freckles haven’t been

swallowed up by your clown makeup.DARKNESS: Ugh! Don’t remind me.SIMON: What you need is a good dose of reality to set you straight.DARKNESS: And you think you know what is real?SIMON: Sure. It’s not that hard. Just look around. Reality is all around

us, all the time.DONNA: (ENTERS RIGHT. She’s added a bright bicycle helmet, plus

football shoulder, elbow, and knee pads to her costume, along with tall fishing boots. These items become a part of her costume until she removes them in ACT TWO. She carries a hockey stick, which she jabs onto the floor like a staff as she strikes a pose and calls.) Sasha! Squire! Come hither!

PUDDLES/OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Open-mouthed.) Wow!DARKNESS: Reality indeed.DONNA: Sasha! Where is that worthless servant?DARKNESS: (Points at DONNA. To SIMON.) Don’t lecture me about

reality, not with that walking around.SIMON: I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you a bet. If I can get Donna here

to act normally, then for one day you have to shed the whole “Darkness” persona and go on a normal date with me.

SIMON: She’s probably off doing her quest-thing somewhere.OFFICER BOB: Richard?PUDDLES: I haven’t seen her, Officer Bob.OFFICER BOB: Well, if you do, let me know right away. For her own

well-being.SIMON: Will do. (DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, and CANKER ENTER LEFT. They

are dressed as cheerleaders, though they still have their goth/emo makeup on, and maybe even their boots or black shoes.) Mindy? Is that you?

DARKNESS: I guess so.SIMON: What are you doing? I thought you won the bet.DARKNESS: You were wrong. Donna has looked into the mirror

and found… darkness. (Does a half-hearted cheerleader pose. Monotone.) Hooray.

OBSIDIAN: (Another twisted cheerleader pose.) Truth is pain!CANKER: (Another exaggerated cheerleader pose.) Disillusionment

is delicious!SIMON: Well, I like seeing you dressed like this. (Leans forward.) I can

barely see your freckles, though.DARKNESS: (Another pose. Sarcastic.) Let’s hear it for seeing things

the way they really are. (Feeble cheerleader routine.) Rah, rah, ree, give me reality!

OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Cheerleader pose with kicks and jumps. They actually get into it.) No more illusions, no more delusions, no more lies, ’cause everyone dies! (Pose.) Yeah!

OFFICER BOB: (Pause.) That’s nice. We’re looking for Donna. She’s gone missing. Again.

DARKNESS: That kid took a detour a long time ago.PUDDLES: (To SASHA.) I want to help find her, if I can.SASHA: Thanks, Richard.OFFICER BOB: All right, then. Let’s all split up and check the entire

mall. We’ll meet back here in ten minutes. I have to help with crowd control for the parade, and she might come back on her own. (EXITS LEFT.)

SIMON: (To DARKNESS.) Let’s check out the game shop. You can fill me in on what happened with Donna and our bet.

DARKNESS: You know, you look pretty good, Pitch. I may have done you and the world of fashion a favor.

SIMON: Really?DARKNESS: No. (EXITS LEFT. SIMON follows.)

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PUDDLES: I told you, only people in costume get the discount on nachos.

SIMON: Costumes are for losers and wannabes.PUDDLES: (Looks around.) What are we doing here? Do you need

sports equipment?SIMON: I was thinking about getting a new [Insert name of a popular

football player here.] jersey. Makes me feel like a winner wearing the [Insert team colors or player’s number].

PUDDLES: Wait a minute. You think costumes are stupid, but you want to dress up like [Insert popular football player’s name here.]?

SIMON: Wearing his jersey is not the same thing as dressing up like him. Everybody does it.

PUDDLES: But that’s his name. His number. You want to be like him?SIMON: Well, sure. He’s a winner. He’s my hero.PUDDLES: So how is that different from the cosplayers dressing up

like their heroes? They’re fans, like you. Just not sports fans.SIMON: It’s not the same thing, so shut up.PUDDLES: (Mumbles.) It is the same thing.SIMON: I heard that.PUDDLES: Tell you what. You put on the football jersey, and I’ll wear

a referee shirt and a whistle. Then let’s see if it gets us a twenty percent discount on nachos.

SIMON: No.PUDDLES: Why not?SIMON: I don’t want to.PUDDLES: Afraid we might?SIMON: No. So shut up, Puddles.DARKNESS: (ENTERS LEFT with OBSIDIAN and CANKER.) Well, if

it isn’t a couple of extra-large athletic supporters, standing outside Jockland.

SIMON: Nobody asked you… (Mocks.) …Darkness.OBSIDIAN: Boys and their toys. Right, Canker?CANKER: Right, Obsidian. (They perform an emo version of a high five.)SIMON: What is wrong with this world? Everybody wants to be

someone they’re not. Darkness? Obsidian? Canker? Those aren’t even real names.

DARKNESS: Names are just arbitrary labels. Darkness is a reflection of my true, inner being. Having shunned the crass commercialism and mind-muddling materialism of the mall-crawler world, I have plumbed the depths of my deepest self and found only…

SASHA: (To PUDDLES.) We can search near Jockland. (Points to the armor.) I can return these.

PUDDLES: Sounds good. (SASHA and PUDDLES EXIT RIGHT. OBSIDIAN and CANKER are alone.)

OBSIDIAN: So where do we go?CANKER: How should I know? I’m used to following.OBSIDIAN: (Thinks.) We could check out the pet store.CANKER: Yeah! And if we don’t find Donna, we can still play with the

animals.OBSIDIAN: I’ve heard they have baby guinea pigs.CANKER: Really? I love baby guinea pigs!OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Imitate baby guinea pigs.) Reet! Reet! (EXIT LEFT.

LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

CURTAIN UP on Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf. GANDALDORE inspects the newly-repaired windmill. DONNA ENTERS LEFT, carrying the putter.GANDALDORE: There. Good as new. Teenage vandals. They go around

wrecking things and never consider the consequences. (Sees DONNA. Assumes her wizard character.) A-ha! ’Tis you! Coming back for more mischief? (Pulls out her wand.) Well, by Grabthar’s Holy Hammer, you shall not pass!

DONNA: I just came to return the putter. And to apologize for smashing your windmill.

GANDALDORE: Nay, I shall not fall for such a ruse. What bedevilment do you intend?

DONNA: See, I got hit on the head and was confused for a while. I really am sorry. I’ll pay for any damages. Or maybe I can work it off.

GANDALDORE: (Falters.) What mischief is this, knight?DONNA: No mischief. No knight. Just me. (Hangs her head.)GANDALDORE: (Lowers wand, drops character.) Oh, honey, are you okay?DONNA: (In tears.) I don’t know.GANDALDORE: (Crosses to DONNA.) What happened? You were having

so much fun.DONNA: Was I?GANDALDORE: Sure. It’s the Cosplay Con. Everyone dresses up and

acts silly.DONNA: But I broke your windmill.

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COSPLAYER TWO: Better too many than not enough.COSPLAYER ONE: Yeah, but these things are indestructible.COSPLAYER TWO: Have you ever played Noodle Combat: Balance

of Power?COSPLAYER ONE: No.COSPLAYER TWO: Trust me. You can never have too many noodles.COSPLAYER ONE: Oh, wait. Let me make sure I have my receipt. (In

a bit of comic business, COSPLAYER ONE shifts pool noodles to COSPLAYER TWO and produces a receipt.) Got it.

COSPLAYER TWO: Good. Now take back your noodles.COSPLAYER ONE: See you later! (Laughs and EXITS LEFT.)COSPLAYER TWO: Laugh it up, fuzzball. I’ll get you back later. (EXITS

LEFT with noodles as DONNA strides ON LEFT, carrying the book.)SASHA: (Runs ON LEFT, trying to catch DONNA.) I really think you

should go to the first aid office and have the paramedic check you out. You could have a concussion or something.

DONNA: I assure you, Sasha, I am perfectly hale and hearty. And must I remind you again that it is not the place of a squire to lecture her knight?

SASHA: Yeah, about this “squire” thing…DONNA: (Stops suddenly. SASHA bumps into her. ) Halt!SASHA: What? What is it?DONNA: (Refers to the sign.) The Armory! (Hands SASHA the book.) A

knight must have weapons before going on a quest.SASHA: Weapons? You know the cosplay rule. Nothing that can

actually harm someone. And since when are we on a quest? (Thinks.) Oh, I get it. This is a Golden Age of Spaincraft thing. You get the guidebook, and you can’t wait to play. But you know role playing games and cosplay are two different things.

DONNA: (Poses.) All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

SASHA: Quoting Shakespeare? Now I know you’re not okay.DONNA: They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his

time plays many parts.SASHA: Why don’t you wait right here? I’m going to get some help.

(Puts the book in her satchel.)DONNA: The play’s the thing…SASHA: Don’t go anywhere. Please. Wait here. (EXITS LEFT.)DONNA: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! (EXITS RIGHT.

SIMON ENTERS LEFT, followed by PUDDLES.)

GANDALDORE: That cheap thing? No, honey, you didn’t break it. You just sort of knocked the blades off. They pop right back on. No harm done.

DONNA: Still, I shouldn’t have done it.GANDALDORE: You got carried away, that’s all. And so did I. Did I

scare you?DONNA: You’re a pretty fearsome wizard.GANDALDORE: And you came back anyway?DONNA: (Shrugs.) I wanted to make things right.GANDALDORE: Well, that was a very brave thing you did. And honorable.

You don’t need to be scared of me, honey. Look. (Removes her hat, wig, and beard.)

DONNA: (Recognizes.) Mrs. Carrasco?GANDALDORE: That’s right.DONNA: Does Simon know you work here?GANDALDORE: Sure, but he’s embarrassed to admit it, so he ignores

me. I took this job part time to earn a little extra money. With all my kids at school during the day, I was feeling bored. Needed a little excitement.

DONNA: Well, I guess I gave you that!GANDALDORE: (Laughs.) You sure did. (Extends her arms.) Here, let

me give you a hug. (DONNA steps forward. GANDALDORE embraces her.) Everything’s going to be all right. Has my son been giving you a hard time?

DONNA: He was, but then a Viking barbarian sort of stepped in.GANDALDORE: A Viking barbarian?DONNA: And a cat girl.GANDALDORE: Well, it serves him right. Are you feeling a little

better now?DONNA: I think so.GANDALDORE: Then maybe you should join your friends. The costume

parade is about to begin.DONNA: I’m not sure I could face them. I sort of made a fool out

of myself.GANDALDORE: Nonsense. It’s Cosplay Con. There are no fools here.

How about if I come with you? (Puts on her wig, hat, and beard.) And if that boy of mine gives you any guff, he’ll have to answer to the Great Gandaldore!

DONNA: I don’t know.

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MACHU PICCHU: I think maybe she hit her head.SASHA: Donna? Do you know who I am?DONNA: But of course. You are my faithful servant and squire,

Sasha Pasta!SASHA: Well, close enough.MACHU PICCHU: Your last name is Pasta?SASHA: No, it’s Capellini. Pasta was kind of a childhood nickname, but

I’ve lost some weight since then.MACHU PICCHU: Ugly ducklings. Am I right? Waiting for our true beauty

to unfold. Hey, listen, if you two are okay, I’d really like to close the store. (Points to the book.) Is that the book you were looking for?

DONNA: The Golden Age of Spaincraft. Indeed it is, young furry person. (Bows.) Many thanks. Many thanks, indeed.

MACHU PICCHU: Great. So if you could just step outside, I’ll lock the door and get over to the pet store for my, uh, appointment.

SASHA: With the Viking barbarian. (SASHA and MACHU PICCHU high-five.) You go, girl!

DONNA: But what of your remuneration for the golden tome?MACHU PICCHU: Oh, like I said. It’s a freebie. On me. Well, actually,

on you, but let’s not go into that again. (Pushes them away.)DONNA: No, no. You must be compensated for your service, my fine,

furry friend. (Gives MACHU PICCHU the money.)MACHU PICCHU: (Takes it.) Okay, bye. (Shuffles them towards the

door, LEFT.)SASHA: (To DONNA.) Are you sure you’re all right? You sound kind

of funny.DONNA: I assure you, faithful friend and compadre, I am quite unharmed.SASHA: Okay, now I’m just a little bit worried. Can you tell me your name?DONNA: Why, of course. It’s a name known throughout the realm. For

there can be no other but the one, true… (Strikes a pose.) Donna Quixote de La Mancha!

SASHA: Oh, dear. (They EXIT LEFT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. CURTAIN.)End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: The hallway outside Jockland Sporting Goods, played in front of the curtain. There’s a sign STAGE RIGHT with the store name, indicating the entrance. TWO COSPLAYERS ENTER RIGHT from the store, carrying armloads of colorful pool noodles.COSPLAYER ONE: Do you think this will be enough?

GANDALDORE: (Puts a hand on her shoulder.) If you don’t finish your quest, you won’t know how the adventure ends.

DONNA: (Brightens.) You know, you’re right. Forward ho! (EXITS RIGHT.)GANDALDORE: Wait for me! (Picks up the putter, and follows her OFF

RIGHT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP: The food court. GNUT, MACHU PICCHU, BARONESS, and the COSPLAYERS mill about. ALONZO approaches PUDDLES and SASHA.ALONZO: You’re Donna’s friends, right?PUDDLES: I’m hoping to be.SASHA: She and I are BFFs. Even more than that. I’m her squire. And

proud of it.ALONZO: Well, you know I did a terrible thing.PUDDLES: Yeah, you hacked her phone.SASHA: And handed her personal life over to her worst enemy.ALONZO: You can’t know how sorry I am. But I honestly thought I

was helping.PUDDLES: Well, your help may have helped cause Donna to have some

kind of a breakdown.ALONZO: Tell me what I should do.SASHA: She’s got a crush on you. You know that, right? And you

betrayed her.ALONZO: Me?SASHA: Every week she makes us walk around outside the room

where the Math Club meets after school.ALONZO: I never saw her.SASHA: She was too shy to go inside. Plus, she’s terrible at math. She

wouldn’t fit in with your crowd.ALONZO: I could help her with her math homework.PUDDLES: Right now, her biggest problem probably isn’t tribblenometry.ALONZO: Wait a minute. She likes me?SASHA: Earth to Alonzo! Yes, she likes you. A lot. She’s just intimidated

because you’re…ALONZO: A genius?SASHA: No! Because you’re cute! Geez, what does it take to get

through to a guy?PUDDLES: (To SASHA.) Do you think I’m cute?

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DONNA: There’s a ladder here behind the bookshelf.SASHA: Be careful, Donna. You don’t want to fall. (To MACHU PICCHU.)

She tends to be a little clumsy sometimes.MACHU PICCHU: I understand. There’s a little bit of “ugly duckling” in

all of us, isn’t there? (Cat pose.) Just waiting for our true beauty to unfold. (DONNA moves behind the bookshelf.)

SASHA: Do you want me to hold the ladder for you?DONNA: (Appears above the shelf and sees the book.) I’ve got it! I can’t

believe it. At last! The Golden Age of Spaincraft. The treasure is mine! All mine! (Makes a trumpet fanfare sound as she descends the ladder and disappears behind the shelf.) Bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa!

SASHA: Hey, your shoelace came untied again!DONNA: What?SASHA: Look out!DONNA: (Falls, sprawling onto the floor and tossing the book into the

air.) Oof!MACHU PICCHU: (Rushes to DONNA’S side.) Hey, are you okay? That

was a nasty fall.SASHA: I think she’s unconscious.DONNA: (Groans, holding her head.) Ohhhh.MACHU PICCHU: You’re not going to sue us, are you?SASHA: Donna. Speak to me.MACHU PICCHU: ’Cause you can have the book for free, if you promise

not to sue.DONNA: (Dazed.) My crown. My crown.SASHA: Your crown? What are you talking about?MACHU PICCHU: Maybe it’s a Jack and Jill thing? (To DONNA.) You

know, you really shouldn’t have gone up that ladder if you don’t work here. Just don’t sue us, okay?

DONNA: (Sits up suddenly, startling them.) Litigation? Perish the thought!MACHU PICCHU: Oh, good. Because it was kind of your fault for

getting on that ladder and everything.SASHA: Let me help you up.DONNA: Thank you kindly, Sasha, but I do not require assistance.

(Stands, wobbles, and sinks to a sitting position.) Huff!SASHA: Let’s try again. Slower this time. (They help DONNA to her

feet.) Are you hurt?DONNA: I’ve suffered injuries worse than these. What do minor flesh

wounds matter to a knight-errant?

SASHA: You’re adorable. But that’s not the point right now.PUDDLES: I’m adorable! (Drops to one knee, arms open wide.) Thank

you! You have validated my entire existence!SASHA: (Ruffles his hair with affection. Stops herself.) Don’t get me

sidetracked. Wait a minute. That gives me an idea. (To ALONZO.) Do you really want to help Donna?

ALONZO: I’ll do anything. I’ll even eat a bug.PUDDLES: (Pause.) Okay. And how would that help?ALONZO: I don’t know. It’s the first thing I could think of.SASHA: I’m sure she’d appreciate the gesture, but I’ve got a better

idea. “Allons-y,” Alonzo. (SASHA, ALONZO, and PUDDLES form a huddle and whisper for a few seconds. SASHA pulls The Golden Age of Spaincraft book from her satchel. They break the huddle and EXIT RIGHT. DARKNESS and SIMON ENTER LEFT.)

DARKNESS: I don’t know why I did that to Donna. She’s totally incapable of defending herself. Sometimes I get so mad, I just want to hurt someone.

SIMON: I’ve got anger issues too. I’m frustrated because I’m not really good at anything. I’m not super smart like Alonzo, and I’m not a great athlete like Billy.

DARKNESS: Who?SIMON: (Gestures.) Gnut the Viking barbarian. And his girlfriend

Anastasia, the cat girl, destroys me every year in the spelling bee. I’m just not, I don’t know, special in any way.

DARKNESS: Oh, I don’t know. I think you’re perfect.SIMON: You do?DARKNESS: Sure. You’re the perfect example of middle class

suburban mediocrity.SIMON: Wow. And I thought I was just an underachiever.DARKNESS: You know, you are kind of cute, in a pathetic sort of way.SIMON: I can live with that.DARKNESS: Maybe I’ll give up being the Queen of Darkness and

Despair and just be a boring and mundane muggle for a while. Like you.

SIMON: You might learn to like it. What do you say, Mindy? After the parade we can eat nachos and play some mini golf?

DARKNESS: Yeah. I think I’d like that… Pitch.SIMON: Oh, right. I keep forgetting I’m wearing a costume. (Stands tall

and offers his hand. She takes it.)DARKNESS: Loser.

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Shouldn’t they be less? (The COSPLAYERS slowly wander LEFT away from the counter.)

COSPLAYER TWO: And a ten-sided die costs three times as much!COSPLAYER ONE: (Pause.) Math isn’t fair.COSPLAYER TWO: (Thinks.) And another thing.COSPLAYER ONE: What?COSPLAYER TWO: If you have two they’re called “dice,” but if you have

only one, it’s a “die,” right?COSPLAYER ONE: Right.COSPLAYER TWO: So how come it’s “mice” and “mouse”? Shouldn’t

it be mice and “mie”? (They think.)COSPLAYER ONE: Wow.COSPLAYER TWO: I know, right? Weird. (They EXIT LEFT.)MACHU PICCHU: (Paces in front of the bookshelf. Stops, pulls out a

phone, looks at it, and shrieks.) Eek! Tad, where are you? I’m late. I’m late. For a very important date— (Cat pose.) —at the pet store. (DONNA and SASHA ENTER LEFT.) Sorry, we’re just closing up. I’ve got an appointment with a Viking barbarian.

DONNA: Is Tad here?MACHU PICCHU: No. Three Princess Leias in slave girl costumes

walked by, and he took off at hyperspeed. He said he’d be right back, but that was a long time ago. The slug.

DONNA: Did he leave something here for me? Donna Mitchell? It’s an out-of-print copy of The Golden Age of Spaincraft RPG book.

MACHU PICCHU: I didn’t see anything behind the counter. Of course, I can’t see very well in my feline form. (Cat pose.)

SASHA: We’ll just have to wait until he comes back.MACHU PICCHU: You can’t! I’m closing up the shop. He’ll re-open if he

ever returns from his galaxy, far, far away.SASHA: Is it okay if we just look around?MACHU PICCHU: (Sighs.) I guess so. Just make it snappy, okay?SASHA: I’ll look behind the counter.MACHU PICCHU: There’s nothing back there. And I’ve already locked

up the register.DONNA: That’s okay. I brought exact change. (Looks around, spots

something on top of the top of the bookshelf.) Could it be? I think it might be up on top of this bookcase.

MACHU PICCHU: Oh, that’s right. Tad said something about keeping something valuable out of reach of the grubby little Ewoks. Being of diminutive size and just as furry, I took offense.

SIMON: Poser. (They smile and join the COSPLAYERS. OFFICER BOB ENTERS RIGHT.)

BARONESS: There you are, Officer Bob. Are you ready for the parade?OFFICER BOB: Yeah, I’ve got a situation with a missing cosplayer, but

I’m not too worried. I’m thinking she’s here with the others.BARONESS: This Cosplay Con turned out to be pretty successful.OFFICER BOB: It sure did. The kids are having good clean fun and are,

for the most part, staying out of trouble.BARONESS: Plus sales are way, way up.OFFICER BOB: It’s been a bit stressful, though, I have to admit.BARONESS: I think we should have a Cosplay Con every year.

Only bigger!OFFICER BOB: What? Oh, boy. I have a bad feeling about this.BARONESS: Oh, it won’t be nearly so much work next year. Why don’t

you help yourself to some nachos? On the house.OFFICER BOB: Really? (Thinks.) Sorry. No can do. I’m on duty.

(Straightens his uniform, mingles with the COSPLAYERS, and looks for DONNA. BARONESS rejoins the COSPLAYERS.)

DONNA: (ENTERS RIGHT with GANDALDORE.) I’m a little nervous. Everyone must think I’m a total geek.

GANDALDORE: Would that be such a bad thing?DONNA: I guess not. Because it’s kind of the truth.GANDALDORE: Just be yourself, find a few true friends, live your life,

and make beautiful memories. There’s no magic to it.DONNA: Says the wise and powerful wizard.GANDALDORE: (Confides.) Says the working mom who still carries one

of Simon’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle socks around with her as a reminder of who I really am. (Holds up an adorable sock and waggles it.)

DONNA: That was Simon’s?GANDALDORE: (Gazes at it fondly.) Yes. (Kisses the sock and puts it

away.) Try not to grow up too fast, okay, sir knight?DONNA: Okay. (SASHA ENTERS RIGHT with PUDDLES. They see DONNA

and run to her. GANDALDORE and DONNA exchange a high five. GANDALDORE joins the crowd and talks with BARONESS.)

SASHA: Donna! Are you all right?DONNA: Much better, thanks. (To PUDDLES.) Hey, Puddles.SASHA: (Corrects her.) It’s Richard. The Lionhearted. (PUDDLES strikes

a pose.) My boyfriend. (He jumps up and down with excitement, or performs a touchdown “victory” pose.)

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OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (Hurry after DARKNESS.) Losers. Pathetic. (EXIT RIGHT. DONNA and SIMON deflate.)

SIMON: Yeah, whatever. C’mon, Puddles. Let’s go.PUDDLES: We could check out the food court. I hear they’re having a

discount on nachos.SASHA: Yeah, but only for people in costume.SIMON: Discounts are stupid. Who needs ’em? Let’s go. (Crosses RIGHT.)PUDDLES: I do. (Gives a feeble wave to SASHA and DONNA.) See ya.SIMON: (Shouts.) Puddles! Are you coming?PUDDLES: (To DONNA and SASHA.) I hate that nickname. One little

accident in first grade, and I’m marked for life.DONNA: You can reclaim your honor if you stand up for what’s right.PUDDLES: Nah. Simon will never let me live it down. I kinda ruined his

Spider-Man backpack.SIMON: (Shouts.) Puddles!PUDDLES: Gotta go. (Crosses RIGHT and EXITS RIGHT with SIMON.)SASHA: Shall we head over to the food court too? Or do you have

some other noble quest in mind?DONNA: Actually, last night I got a call from Tad over at Tad Gamey’s

Game Shop. He found an old, out-of-print copy of The Golden Age of Spaincraft. It’s like the holy grail of RPG books.

SASHA: Yeah, but if you pick it up now, you’ll have to lug it all over the Cosplay Con.

DONNA: I can’t take the chance that someone else will buy it. I live for The Golden Age of Spaincraft. You know that. Sure. (Recites.) Because The Golden Age of Spaincraft is more than just a role-playing game…

DONNA/SASHA: It’s a way of life! (EXIT RIGHT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP on Tad Gamey’s Game Shop. There’s a tall bookshelf full of games and gaming books. A ladder is behind the bookshelf. Two COSPLAYERS complete a transaction at the counter. The cashier, MACHU PICCHU, hands them a bag.MACHU PICCHU: Thank you for visiting Ted Gamey’s Game Shop.

Please come again. But go. Now.COSPLAYER ONE: (Ignores her. Looks in the bag.) How come dice

with five sides cost twice as much as the ones with six sides?

DONNA: Okay.PUDDLES: I like that last part the best. (DARKNESS and SIMON cross

to DONNA. GNUT and MACHU PICCHU follow.)SIMON: Sorry about yelling at you and stuff, Donna.DONNA: It’s okay. Just remember that I have friends. Big friends.GNUT: (Puts his hand on SIMON’S shoulder.) How’s it going?DONNA: And small.MACHU PICCHU: (Makes her hands into claws.) Rowr!PUDDLES: And lionhearted! (Poses.)SIMON: Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. I’ll play nice.DONNA: And that’s something you should remember too, Darkness.DARKNESS: I’m not going to apologize, if that’s what you mean.DONNA: I wouldn’t believe you if you did. But I do believe that I will

challenge you to a duel.DARKNESS: (Scoffs.) A duel?SASHA: Oh, no. You don’t still think you’re a knight, do you?DONNA: I challenge you to Noodle Combat: Balance of Power. Best two

out of three rounds wins. And let me warn you. I’ve been practicing.DARKNESS: In these shoes? I wouldn’t stand a chance! (Looks to

SIMON for support.) Simon?SIMON: What would everyone think if you back down?DARKNESS: What would everyone think if she beats me?DONNA: Oh, I will. Count on it.DARKNESS: But it’s not fair. I’ve never touched a noodle in my life!SIMON: Consider it a new experience… Mindy.DARKNESS: What if she hits me? It might hurt.SASHA: (Mocks.) Pain is truth.PUDDLES: Noodles are harmless. (The OTHERS look at him.) Uh, let

me try that again. Um… No, I got nothing. (OBSIDIAN and CANKER ENTER LEFT.)

OBSIDIAN: Hey, you guys. Have you seen the baby guinea pigs at the pet store?

CANKER: Too cute! Someday I’m going to marry a farmer and raise real pigs.

OBSIDIAN: Me, too!CANKER: And baby goats.OBSIDIAN/CANKER: (To each other.) Baa! Baa! (They laugh.)DARKNESS: (Looks at them. To DONNA.) You know what? Fine. Whack

me with a noodle. Just put me out of my misery.

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SASHA: Until it gets bigger.DONNA: Sasha! You’re such a pessimist. No one will even notice.SASHA: If you say so. (Points at DONNA’S shoe.) Maybe you’d better

tie that lace.DONNA: Oops. You’re right. Wouldn’t want to have another mishap.

(Kneels down and ties her shoe. SIMON and PUDDLES ENTER LEFT.)SIMON: (To DONNA.) I see you brought your own air conditioning.

(DONNA stands and turns.)PUDDLES: Burn! (Gives SIMON a high five.)SASHA: Oh, hey, Simon. What? No costume? Or are you too cool

for cosplay?SIMON: I’m comfortable with who I am. I don’t need to dress up like

some wannabe and pretend I’m someone else. Cosplay is for freaks and geeks.

PUDDLES: Yeah! You tell ’em, Simon.DONNA: There’s nothing wrong with wearing costumes. It stimulates

the imagination.SIMON: One of these days, someone is going to give you a big dose of

reality, Donna. It’s a lesson you’ll never forget.DONNA: Reality? You can have it.SASHA: Don’t get her started. Unless you want to hear the whole speech.DONNA: What’s real is honor. And charity and compassion and

forgiveness.SASHA: Here we go. There’ll be no stopping her now.DONNA: There’s more to truth than this material world, Simon. How

about honesty? And… I don’t know… general overall niceness?SIMON: Sentimental nonsense. All emotion is just chemical reactions.

Hormones and enzymes and proteins and stuff.SASHA: (To PUDDLES.) Those two are eerily alike—for opposites.PUDDLES: Neither one can resist a soapbox. I want to go to the food

court. What’s it going to take to get them to stop?SASHA: Haven’t a clue.DONNA: And what of modesty?SIMON: Intangible. Imaginary. Unlike your ripped pants.DONNA: Why, you…SIMON: Bring it on, weirdo. (DARKNESS ENTERS LEFT, followed by

OBSIDIAN and CANKER. DONNA and SIMON stop, mid-fingerpointing.)DARKNESS: (Looks SIMON up and down.) Loser. (Looks DONNA up and

down.) Pathetic. (EXITS RIGHT.)

DONNA: (Gives a sweeping bow.) It will be my honor.OFFICER BOB: (On the platform stage. Uses the bullhorn.) Guys?

Cosplayers? May I have your attention please? (The COSPLAYERS gather around the stage, leaving the DOWNSTAGE area open.) Thanks. So, we’re going to have our Cosplay Con costume parade here in a minute. We’re going to start here at the food court, and march around the entire mall, then rendezvous back here. I know the mall looks small from the parking lot, but it’s larger on the inside than you’d expect. I don’t want anyone wandering off. Make sure there’s plenty of space between you, so the shoppers can see how great you all look. But stay close together, so the parade stays orderly and organized.

GNUT: (Raises a hand.) Officer Bob? How are we supposed to keep our distance and stay close at the same time?

OFFICER BOB: Oh. Well, I’m not sure. That’s a good question, Billy.GNUT: I am Gnut.OFFICER BOB: Gnut. Right. Sorry. I don’t know. I guess we’ll figure it

out as we go.GANDALDORE: (Shouts.) How about if someone leads us?BARONESS: Right! We need to designate an honorary marshal for the

costume parade.OFFICER BOB: Well, sure. I guess I could do that.BARONESS: Not you, Officer Bob. Someone we all respect.GANDALDORE: We need a person who exemplifies the power

of the imagination. (ALONZO ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a fez, long scarf, coat, and perhaps other “Doctor Who” costume accessories over his busboy uniform. He climbs up on the stage and is joined by PUDDLES and SASHA. SASHA holds The Golden Age of Spaincraft book.)

COSPLAYER ONE: It’s the Doctor!COSPLAYER TWO: Doctor who?COSPLAYER ONE: Exactly.COSPLAYER TWO: No, who’s the doctor?COSPLAYER ONE: Right again.ALONZO: We need someone worthy to show us the way. Someone

who seeks honor and goodness. A bright, um, a bright spark in a dark world. (Looks at SASHA, who periodically cues him from the book. He gradually gains confidence.) A servant of peace. We need a leader who faces hatred and plants seeds of love. (Looks at DONNA.) Who extends forgiveness to those who have harmed her. (To the COSPLAYERS. Again, cued by SASHA whispering

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GIRL OF LA MANCHA

ACT ONEScene One

LIGHTS UP: The entrance hallway of La Mancha Mall, played in front of the curtain. OFFICER BOB ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a bullhorn. He stops CENTER.OFFICER BOB: (To self.) Oh, boy. I hope the mall owners know what

they’re doing. Things could get out of control, really fast. (Crosses all the way LEFT. Speaks OFF LEFT through the bullhorn.) Uh, may I have your attention please? Everybody? I’m about to unlock the door, so could you step back just a bit? (Waits.) A little more? Thank you. On behalf of La Mancha Mall, I want to welcome you to our first annual Cosplay Con. (OFFSTAGE cheers.) La Mancha Mall is proud to be… proud to be… (Pulls out a notecard. Reads.) La Mancha Mall is proud to be the kid-friendly, fun-for-all, one-stop shopping and amusement mall for all the grandchildren of the old people who moved to La Mancha when they retired. (Stops reading.) Guys? Please respect the rules of cosplay. (Reads the card.) Fantasy weapons must NOT be able to actually hurt anyone. (OFFSTAGE cheers.) Ask first if you want to take a cosplayer’s picture. (OFFSTAGE cheers.) Costumes must not be too revealing. (OFFSTAGE groans. Reads.) Oh, and Baroness Burrito is offering all costumed shoppers a twenty percent discount on nachos at the food court. (OFFSTAGE cheers. OFFICER BOB lowers the bullhorn. To self.) Okay, here goes. (Mimes unlocking a door at the edge of the stage LEFT and is immediately knocked over by a surge of excited COSPLAYERS, who ENTER LEFT, cross, and run OFF RIGHT. OFFICER BOB stands, brushes himself off. Waves after them.) Have fun. Be safe. (EXITS RIGHT.)

SASHA: (ENTERS LEFT. Calls OFF.) Come on, Donna! Everybody else is already here.

DONNA: (Shuffles ON LEFT.) Can I help it if I had a wardrobe malfunction getting out of the car?

SASHA: There you go, exaggerating again. An untied shoelace does not count as a wardrobe malfunction.

DONNA: It does if it makes you trip and split a seam on your pants. (Indicates a small but noticeable tear in the side seam of her pants.)

SASHA: (Looks.) Oh. Okay. Minor wardrobe malfunction.DONNA: But am I going to let a little tear like that rip the wind from

my sails?SASHA: No?DONNA: Of course not.

from the book.) When we are crippled by doubt and cynicism, let us follow the one who trusts in things unseen, who inspires hope when we fall into despair. (Stops reciting.) I want to follow someone like that. (Kneels and extends a hand to DONNA.) I, Don Machismo de la Chimichanga, nominate a knight most valiant, most courageous, most kind and caring, to lead the parade… Donna Quixote de La Mancha!

COSPLAYERS: (Cheer.) Donna Quixote de La Mancha! (Lead DONNA up onto the stage.)

ALONZO: (Stands and offers the Vulcan hand sign to DONNA.) Live long and prosper.

COSPLAYERS: Live long and prosper!BARONESS: Kneel, Donna Quixote. (DONNA kneels. GANDALDORE

hands the putter to BARONESS.) I, Baroness Burrito, by the power invested in me as the official small business sponsor of the La Mancha Mall Cosplay Con, hereby dub thee knight of the realm and marshal of our parade. (Taps the putter handle on DONNA’S right, left, and then right shoulder.) Rise, Sir Knight! (SASHA and PUDDLES help DONNA stand. She turns to the COSPLAYERS and waves shyly. BARONESS hands her the putter.)

DONNA: Okay. Wow. Well, let’s all march around the food court in a circle and then head out into the mall. What do you say?

COSPLAYERS: Huzzah!DONNA: Okay, then. (Points.) Engage. (OPTIONAL Parade/Curtain

Call MUSIC. DONNA steps down from the platform stage and starts walking in a wide circle, followed by SASHA and PUDDLES, DARKNESS and SIMON, OBSIDIAN and CANKER, GNUT and MACHU PICCHU, BARONESS and GANDALDORE, and the remaining COSPLAYERS, two by two.)

OFFICER BOB: (Still on the platform. Uses the bullhorn.) There you go. Move along. Move along. That’s great, everybody. (ALL ignore him. Lowers the bullhorn.) Right. (The costume parade becomes the CURTAIN CALL.)

END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

ACT ONEScene Two: Tad Gamey’s Game Store set, consisting of bookcase with

books and games, counter, shopping bags, ladder, Golden Age of Spaincraft book.

Scene Three: Free-standing sign that reads “Jockland Sporting Goods.”Scene Four: Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf set, consisting of a

windmill with removable blades, sign that reads “Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.”

Scene Five: food court set, consisting of tables, chairs, trash can, sign advertising “La Mancha Cantina. 20% Off Nachos for Cosplayers,” disposable cups, plates, plastic utensils, trays, small platform stage, sign reading “La Mancha Mall Welcomes You to Cosplay Con,” photo booth, table with crates or boxes of miscellaneous and humorous props and costume accessories, sign reading “Cosplay Con Photo Booth Courtesy of the Photo Shoppe.”

ACT TWOScene One: food court set.Scene Two: Bench.Scene Three: Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf set.Scene Four: food court set.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONACT ONE

Scene One:Bullhorn, notecard (OFFICER BOB)Satchel (SASHA)

Scene Two:Phone (MACHU PICCHU)Cash (DONNA)

Scene Three:Pool noodles, receipt (COSPLAYERS)Golden Age of Spaincraft book, hockey stick, shoulder pads, elbow

pads, knee pads, large fishing boots, colorful bike helmet (DONNA)

Satchel, credit card (SASHA)Penlight, walkie talkie (OFFICER BOB)

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: Entrance to La Mancha Mall. Played in front of the curtain.Scene Two: Tad Gamey’s Game Shop.Scene Three: Concourse outside of Jockland Sporting Goods. Played

in front of the curtain.Scene Four: Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.Scene Five: The food court.

ACT TWOScene One: The food court, immediately following.Scene Two: Elsewhere in the mall. Played in front of the curtain.Scene Three: Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.Scene Four: The food court.

SET DESCRIPTIONThere are various locations within the mall, represented by minimal sets that can be easily moved on and offstage.The entrance hallway, the concourse outside of Jockland Sporting Goods, and the other undefined location in the mall are played in front of the curtain.

In Tad Gamey’s Game Shop, there is a bookshelf with games and books DOWN LEFT. A ladder stands behind it. There is also a counter at CENTER.

For Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf, there is a windmill with detachable blades RIGHT and a sign that reads “Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf.”

For the food court, tables and chairs (or benches) are arranged STAGE RIGHT to form a dining area, with a large trash can nearby. Above the table, a sign reads “La Mancha Cantina. 20% Off Nachos for Cosplayers.” UP CENTER is a small platform stage area with a sign above it reading “La Mancha Mall Welcomes You to Cosplay Con.” UP LEFT is a photo booth area, which is later converted into a space for the Noodle Combat sequence. A sign above it reads “Cosplay Con Photo Booth, courtesy of the Photo Shoppe.” La Mancha Cantina is OFF RIGHT from the food court.

Scene Four:Putters (COSPLAYERS)Bendable magic wand (GANDALDORE)Hockey stick (DONNA)

Scene Five:Broom, dust pan, plastic tub with yellow rubber cleaning gloves,

rag (ALONZO)Notecard, basket with chips (BARONESS)Notecard, rule booklet, shopping bag (OFFICER BOB)Putter (DONNA)Bendable magic wand (GANDALDORE)Shopping bags (COSPLAYERS, GNUT, MACHU PICCHU)Rehearsal blocks, foam floor pads, pool noodles (COSPLAYERS)Nachos (SASHA)Phone (DARKNESS)

ACT TWOScene One:

Notecard (BARONESS)Phone, cash (DARKNESS)Broom, dustpan, yellow rubber glove (ALONZO)

Scene Two:Nachos (SASHA)Photographs (DARKNESS, OBSIDIAN, CANKER)Hand mirror, phone (DARKNESS)Putter, yellow rubber glove, armor (DONNA)Cash (ALONZO)Tiara (PUDDLES)Tiara (BARONESS)

Scene Three:Putter (DONNA)Bendable wand (GANDALDORE)

Scene Four:Satchel with Golden Age of Spaincraft book (SASHA)Colorful sock, putter (GANDALDORE)Bullhorn (OFFICER BOB)Fez, scarf, coat (ALONZO)

THE WALLOPING WINDMILLThe Walloping Windmill may be as simple as a free-standing plywood cut-out windmill with blades that are held on by Velcro for easy removal and repair.

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RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

GIRL OF LA MANCHA

A Cosplay Comedy, inspired by Cervantes’ “Don Quixote”

By PATRICK RAINVILLE DORN

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

OFFICER BOB ......................mall security guard 45SASHA ...............................Donna’s loyal friend 151DONNA ...............................idealistic and clumsy fan of 215

role-playing games (also known as RPGs)

SIMON CARRASCO ..............mundane realist and bully 74PUDDLES............................his reluctant sidekick 66DARKNESS .........................caustic Goth girl 88OBSIDIAN ...........................her Goth sidekick 51CANKER .............................another 48MACHU PICCHU ..................small cosplayer in a furry 28

cat costumeCLERK ................................works for Jockland 14

Sporting GoodsGANDALDORE .....................cranky, middle-aged woman 55

dressed as a wizard at Harry Putter’s Magical Mini Golf

BARONESS BURRITO ...........restaurateur hostess at the 43 food court

ALONZO ..............................busboy at the food court; smart, 63 but no imagination

GNUT .................................large Viking barbarian cosplayer 13COSPLAYERS ......................ensemble of costumed characters 65

SETTINGTime: Last Saturday.Place: La Mancha Mall.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe person playing CLERK may be male or female and can change into a cosplay costume to join the ensemble. OFFICER BOB (male) can become OFFICER BOBBIE (female).

SOUND EFFECTSSquawking of walkie talkie, optional “mall” background music.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSOFFICER BOB wears a mall security guard uniform, including a wide utility

belt with a penlight in the holster, walkie talkie, and various other accessories, but no gun. “Security” insignia on cap and/or shirt.

DONNA is dressed as a female equivalent of Don Quixote, with a battered leather, flat brimmed hat, leather or brown doublet, breeches, white tights or leggings, leather boots, and perhaps an empty leather sword scabbard, worn over the shoulder and across the chest, and capable of holding the mini-golf putter. There is a small but noticeable tear in a side seam of her pants. After emerging from the sporting goods store in ACT ONE, Scene Three, the bright bicycle helmet, the football shoulder, elbow, and knee pads, and the large fishing boots become part of her costume through ACT TWO, Scene Two.

SASHA is dressed as a 15th century Spanish peasant. Shapeless, wide-brimmed hat (felt or straw), loose peasant blouse, leather belt, calf-length trousers, sandals, satchel or bag with a long strap worn over the shoulder.

SIMON is dressed as a typical high school student and sports fan. Jersey shirt, blue jeans, sneakers. Later, he wears all black and spikes his hair.

PUDDLES wears attire similar to Simon, but less fashionable. Sweatshirt instead of a jersey.

DARKNESS wears classic Goth attire, all in black and tastefully arranged, including hair and makeup. OBSIDIAN and CANKER also Goth, but less committed to “the look,” more emo than goth. All in black, but less authentic and more frilly. Later, all dress as cheerleaders.

MACHU PICCHU wears a furry cat costume with tail, paws with claws, and cat face makeup.

The CLERK at Jockland Sporting Goods wears a referee shirt, khaki or black slacks, with a name badge and a whistle on a lanyard.

GANDALDORE should have a classic wizard costume with pointy hat and an easily removable wig and long white beard. Long robe,

By Patrick Rainville Dorn

© Copyright 2017, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

perhaps decorated with astronomical and/or astrological signs, and slippers.

BARONESS wears a Spanish-style blouse and big skirt in bright colors, or perhaps as a Spanish duenna, hair worn up, tiara. Later she wears a different tiara.

ALONZO wears a fast-food uniform. Polo shirt, khaki pants, sneakers, and a white apron. Later, a fez, long scarf, and a coat are worn over his uniform, but without the apron.

GNUT is a large Viking barbarian, wearing hides and fur, and perhaps a horned helmet.

POP CULTURE REFERENCESThis script includes popular references and quotes from Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, and other popular works. Feel free to update and/or add your own references, as appropriate, especially as they apply to your chosen cosplay characters.

A NOTE ABOUT DON QUIXOTEThis play is very loosely inspired by Miguel Cervantes’ classic satire “Don Quixote” (1605) and its timeless Broadway musical adaptation “Man of La Mancha” (1964). While it is not necessary to be familiar with these works to mount a successful production, the more actors are acquainted with them, the more they will enjoy and appreciate this story, its characters, and its humor.

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