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Lourdes Adonay-Abrenica

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Copyright © 2013 by Lourdes Adonay-Abrenica

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

Publishers:Inspiring PublishersPo box 159 Calwell ACT 2905, Australia.Email: [email protected]

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry

Author: Abrenica, Lourdes

Title: By the river’s end/Lourdes Abrenica.

ISBN: 9781925011494 (ebook)

Subjects: Love stories.

Dewey Number: A823.4

4

How amazing that one can recall a lot of

memories even the oddest ones about

short pieces of coloured pencils?

It was an ordinary Saturday for me; my

son and husband were still in bed. I woke

early as usual to check on my son who had come home

late after his Friday night clubbing.

I noticed that his rubbish bin was overfl owing again!

It’s a habit of mine to check before throwing it out, as

he is careless and throws important stuff away. In the

bin I saw a set of coloured pencils about 4 inches long.

I was dismayed.

I remember coloured pencils were so precious to

me when I was young and he was throwing them

away. I know my son would say it’s hard to grip

them that short, so I just picked up the pencils and

hid them, maybe I could send them to a charity in

the Philippines?

My very fi rst coloured pencils were a gift from Mikaela,

but at fi rst I didn’t know it was from her. I was good at

drawing when I was young but that part of my life is just

a memory now that I keep to myself.

Lourdes Abrenica 5

My son inherited drawing from me but I never told him.

My husband said it must be from his great grandma

who was a struggling painter, but I know the truth.

I grew up in a small and religious town in the southern

part of the Philippines. It was so small that everyone

knew each other and we were all related, uncles and

aunts, fi rst and second cousins, you know what I mean?

It was a very religious village, the old people would

never miss an early morning mass and the children had

to be at home when the church bell tolled at 6 pm to

pray the angelus. If we were outside we would have to

stop doing whatever it was and pray, then resume what

we were doing when the church bell fi nished ringing.

I grew up with a busy grandma. She owned a stall in

the market and sold groceries as well as fresh vegeta-

bles and coconuts. She needed to be at the market early

for the fresh produce. My mum abandoned me when

I was four, right after my dad died of tuberculosis. I was

a loner, nobody liked to play with me. Other children

considered me different as I had no parents, it was a

rare thing at that time.

From a young age I could already draw paper dolls and

dresses. Poverty made me ask grocery stores for empty

cigarette boxes so I could draw the dolls and I used the

back blank page of old calendars for the dolls’ dresses.

The dolls and dresses were devoid of any colours as

6 By the River’s End

I didn’t have any colouring material. I drew well. I inher-

ited it from my father they say. My father, when still

alive, drew the passion of Christ in our town church

and during Sunday mass I would only look at it.

I met Mikaela in Grade 1. She was a spoiled only child

of a rich couple. They owned a castle-like house on

top of the hill. Her parents owned almost all the land

in our town and nearby towns too. They were gener-

ous patrons of the church so that during the mass on

Sundays they were seated on special chairs close to the

priest near the altar.

Mikaela used to bully me from Grade 1 to 3. For three

years I was so afraid of her. She would chase me after

class so I had to run very fast till I reached my grand-

ma’s house. She would laugh at my packed lunch - their

dogs ate better she said. Unknown to her I would look

hungrily at her food. She had too much while I didn’t

have enough. Coins would fall out of her bag every time

she took something out. My fi rst three years of school

were spent in fear of her. I had to hide after class so

she couldn’t chase me. I came out of hiding only when

everyone was gone.

It was in Grade 4 that my life changed. One of my class-

mates saw my paper dolls and she offered to buy one for

10 cents and offered another 10 cents for 10 dresses.

I was so happy with the extra money; I had only food to

bring to school but no money. I was starting to become

Lourdes Abrenica 7

popular with the girls. They would provide me with

cardboards and papers and pay me too. Mikaela never

bothered with dolls and my popularity with the girls

prevented her from bullying me further so she left me

alone. Although my classmates were nice to me they

were not my friends, they only wanted to play with my

creations but not with me. The cents I earned allowed

me to try the foods and lollies from the canteen. I was

happy for some time until we fi nished our elementary

grades.

During summer vacation after fi nishing elementary

school, my aunt took me as her helper to look after my

baby cousin and help with some housework. I was not

getting paid but at least I had good food and a soft bed.

It was during that vacation that I started to take notice

of my physical appearance. I was quite taller than the

average girl. My body developed earlier too. I was not

skinny but not fat either. My hair was long and straight

and very black. My best feature I think was my legs and

oftentimes I would see boys looking at them. They were

long and well shaped. I also had fair skin when every-

one else was tanned. My face was not bad either. I had

dimples on my cheeks; the one on the right is deeper

than the one on the left which I think added to my

noticeabilty. I had attracted few boys maybe because

they wouldn’t see me often on the street unlike the girls

in our neighbourhood. No boy could approach me as

they were afraid of my grandma.


1975. June came. My fi rst year in high school was

with mixed feelings. It’s the time when the girls are

not interested in playing with dolls anymore. They are

starting to notice boys and start looking vain. I couldn’t

afford to look vain. Philippine weather is either too hot

or too wet. My female classmates in the middle of a

hot day would powder their faces with talc inserted

inside their handkerchiefs and spray themselves with

colognes. How I wished I could have done that too. It

was only after a month at school when Mikaela joined

our class. She came from a long vacation on their island

and Manila the capital of the Philippines where they

also owned apartments for rent. She was as tall as me,

heavily tanned and had perfectly cut very short hair.

She had a perfect nose, round black eyes and beautiful

lips. She was so beautiful and confi dent that boys in

our class were afraid of her plus her wealth made us

all inferiors. Seeing her that day brought back the fear,

that immediately after class I ran as fast as I could and

only breathe when at home against a closed door. The

next day, she didn’t even look at me or even notice me

and that was a huge relief. I felt relieved but at the same

time it added more to my insecurities that even the bully

would not notice me.

One day I was alone under a tree drawing after eat-

ing lunch when something hit the back of my head! It

hurt and made my eyes misty. I looked around look-

ing for whoever was responsible but saw no-one except

Lourdes Abrenica 9

the same boys and girls who were playing before. The

object behind me was a box of twelve coloured pencils

about four inches long. As I couldn’t see anybody who

might have thrown it, I tried one and it was perfect. It

was the right texture and left no mess when I couloured

my drawing.

It was very different from the ordinary crayons that we

were using. I looked again to see if somebody would

claim it but as I couldn’t see anybody bothering then

I made it my own. I couldn’t part with it as my head still

hurt so I guessed it was justifi able to keep it for myself.

I considered it my very fi rst precious possession. I used

it sparingly to make it last longer and it did. I used it till

I can no longer hold the pencils. I had no idea where it

came from but for me it was an answered prayer.

2013. This coming December 2013 will be our 30th

wedding anniversary. I must say that our marriage is

not perfect but completely comfortable. Andrew and

I are very comfortable with each other. I am not a bored

housewife. Running my own home, making it spotless,

serving my husband and being a good mum to my two

kids keeps me occupied. My daily existence has been

almost the same for the 30 years of our marriage. Now

that my kids are grown up I have started feeling empty

and idle. What now inspires me as reality hits that I’m

getting old is the time that I can fi nally go back to where

all my wonderful memories began. Now that the kids


no longer need my care I am happy with myself that

I raised them well. I made them my priority and now is

the time for me to think about myself, to do things that

will make me at peace with myself and at peace with

Mikaela’s memory.

1975. My fi rst year in high school passed by smoothly

except for the incident with the coloured pencils. Every

weekend the arrangement was for me to be with my

aunt to help. My world at that time revolved around

school and my aunt’s house. I didn’t have much time to

draw. I forgot about Mikaela and her bullying. Everyone

in class was experiencing changes physically, mentally

and emotionally. Summer vacation came and I hated it

for I was to be at my aunt’s fulltime. Sleep was my only

rest as my cousin was already a toddler and made me

so tired that I couldn’t wait for my bedtime. I missed my

drawings and time for myself.

By that time I was already accustomed to being alone.

I had no friends because for my classmates I was the

different one. I didn’t know how to play or be with

young people like me. The best time for me during

those times was when I was all alone drawing. My

drawings were the expression of what I felt, the mean-

ing of my existence.

1976. I was in my second year of high school and my life

passed without anything interesting. I was an unknown

entity in our class except for some looks I got from the

Lourdes Abrenica 11

boys. I was used to them staring at me so I didn’t fi nd

it uncomfortable. I was in my own world so who cared

about them? When I had my period, my grandma told

me to put layers of soft cloth inside my panty and secure

them with safety pins. It was like baby’s diaper but thicker

and I managed to walk normally. I was aware that there

were sanitary pads at the store but grandma said they

were no good. They would stop the blood according to

oldies in the phils sanitary pads are made of plastic

thus it is hot then stop the blood fl ow making a woman

sick. But I think she didn’t like to spend money on me

that’s why. It was so inconvenient that when I used it

at school, I needed to make it thicker to prevent leak-

age. Then at home it took more time to wash it with all

the blood and I had to scrub it really hard to remove all

traces of blood then hang it out to dry.

One day I forgot to put one on and my period came

when I was at school. When I stood after class for the

lunch break, my skirt had spots of blood on it that made

my classmates behind me whisper to each other. From

behind, Mikaela grabbed my wrist and she started to

run still holding my wrist, I had to run as well. We ran

among the trees outside the school ground then to the

bushes until we reached the part where the river ends.

It was the fi rst time I saw that place. It was surrounded

with trees and there were big rocks too. The water was

glistening under the midday sun and inviting too after

our running.


We stopped before the water and that’s the only time

Mikaela freed my wrist. We rested for a short while and

when we were breathing normally, Mikaela undressed

me. It was in slow motion as if I were fragile. I began to

experience a different and strange sensation. My fear

and awe of her made me stand still until I was totally

naked. Then she ordered me to go wash myself in the

clear water. I went to the deeper part where all my

body was hidden just my head visible above the water.

Mikaela on the other hand washed my panty and skirt

free from blood and put it on top of the bushes to dry.

She undressed and joined me in the water.

I watched her every move. I was afraid to talk and afraid

to destroy the moment. When she was standing so close

to me, I started crying. I cried hard from the embarrass-

ment from everything especially from Mikaela’s caring.

I was so embarrassed by the bloodstains but also happy

that somebody cared for me.

Mikaela put her arms around me and let me fi nish my

crying. She stroked my hair and back so tenderly. Then

she put my face close to hers and kissed me lightly on

my lips. Her touch was so tender and light that I felt

loved and comforted. Then she started splashing me

with water and I splashed her too. We played and swam

and laugh out loud. When we got tired we climbed out

of water and dressed. She got something from her bag,

a sanitary pad and put it on my now dried panty. That

Lourdes Abrenica 13

time I didn’t feel any shame or awkwardness with her.

It was as if we were old friends.

There was a guava tree nearby and Mikaela took some.

We sat and ate in silence. It was the very fi rst day I had

a playmate and had fun. It was also my fi rst intimate

encounter with someone. I didn’t feel any malice or

shame about what we did. For me that day was delight-

ful and sensual. I didn’t want to it to end but sadly it was

getting dark and we had to part ways. The next day at

school was like any ordinary day. Nobody looked at me

laughing; it was as if nothing embarrassing happened

to me yesterday. I was thinking that maybe because

I was rescued by the most popular student at school

that everything must have been forgotten. Mikaela

never gave me a look the whole day as I kept on look-

ing at her trying to catch her gaze. I concluded that she

was just sorry for me that was why she helped me. Days

passed without her talking or looking at me as I contin-

ued my unknown existence.

Foundation Day of the school was a week-long event. It

was a week of festive mood with lots of fun and excite-

ment. There were plays, dancing and singing competi-

tions. And the last day was the closing and awarding

program plus the beauty pageant contest. Our class

adviser was asking us who will join the beauty contest.

One of the boys in our class shouted my name but Mikaela

shouted back loudly, “NO WAY! ALEXANDRA IS FAT,


UGLY AND DUMB! SHE WILL BE THE LOSER!” My

classmates laughed and I just looked down with tears in

my eyes.

The week-long event gave me the opportunity to catch

up with my drawings at home. My grandma’s house was

old and big. Some said it was haunted because it was

the house of a wicked Spaniard who died there. Person-

ally, I welcomed the ghost if there was one because it

meant that I had some company. My grandma’s busi-

ness kept her occupied the whole day, from 5:00 am

to 6:00 pm.

My grandma had three daughters. The eldest was my

mum. Nobody knew her whereabouts. My second aunt

was the one I helped on the weekends and schools holi-

days. My youngest aunt was studying in Manila and

she hardly ever came for a visit. The house was always

empty so when Foundation Festival came I didn’t tell

my grandma and aunt that I was not joining any activity

so they would not oblige me. It meant a whole week for

myself to be free to do whatever I wanted.

On the last day of the festivity when everybody was

at school for the closing events, I decided to spend

the day at the place where Mikaela and I had great

fun. I brought with me two pieces of bread, drinking

water, an old towel to sit on and my pencils and a few

blank papers.

Lourdes Abrenica 15

It was so peaceful there. Kids never liked to swim there

as the water was too shallow to swim while the other

end was the popular spot as the water was so deep and

they could dive and swim well there. It was nice to be

surrounded by nature, it inspired me to draw. I put the

towel on the shadiest spot. I was wearing old shorts

and an old t-shirt. Once settled, I started to draw the

scenery in front of me. After drawing the big rocks

I stopped. I felt lazy so I just stared into the clear water

remembering the day with Mikaela. I was so engrossed

with my thoughts when suddenly I was hit hard on my

right shoulder that I fell sideways.

When I gathered my wits, I looked at the object that hit

me. It was again a box of coloured pencils but this time

it was longer, bigger and had more colours - that’s why

it hurt like hell! I realized that time who was responsible

and there she was standing about fi fty meters away,

Mikaela. I stood with the box in my hand, because of

the pain and anger I threw it back to her so forcefully

that it knocked her down. I then Iaughed and laughed

until tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Mikaela stood and came close. We sat silently for a

while; both of us were nursing our own pain. I broke

our silence by asking, “Why do you like to hurt me?

In grade school, you chased me, you insulted me, you

called me fat and ugly! I am dumb that’s true but not fat

and ugly!”


Mikaela simply replied, “I love you Alexa. I caused you

pain so I would know if you are real. You have your

own world, it’s like you’re not capable of feeling, so

when I hurt you and got nothing out of it, I thought

that maybe you are not human but this time you are

one after all. I don’t want you to join that stupid beauty

contest because I never want anybody to look at you.

I won’t be able to bear it when boys will feast their eyes

on you. I brought you another set of colouring pencils

so you can make your drawings alive again and it will

make you happy too.”

After her confession, I broke into tears and cried till

my eyes had nothing to shed anymore. It was strange,

I didn’t easily cry, I had a high tolerance of pain but

with the emotions I felt at that moment with Mikaela,

I experienced a different kind of emotion, I felt loved.

It was the fi rst time I heard the words I LOVE YOU. It

was not from my mum or grandma but from Mikaela

whom I feared and envied. I was touched by Mikaela’s

warmth. We stayed there most of the day, I continued

to draw and colour and she slept beside me so calmly.

I watched her sleep. She was so beautiful!

Nobody knew of our secret encounters. At school we

were both distant and never talked. It was hard for us to

meet again because of my weekend obligations to my

aunt. My weekdays were spent at school then back to

Lourdes Abrenica 17

grandma’s house. I couldn’t stay out beyond 5 pm. Girls

had to be at home to pray the Angelus at 6pm.

1979. When we were in our fourth year of high school,

the last year, everyone was excited planning what to

do next after leaving school. I wanted to study Arts in

Manila but of course we couldn’t afford it so I didn’t

plan anything at all. I would just wait for grandma to

decide what she wanted of me. My aunt said that she

needed me badly as she was pregnant with her second

child and she would pay me this time she promised. My

grandma never said a word to me or discussed with me

my future and I didn’t bother to raise the topic anyway

as I knew that it would be futile.

Our last year was the busiest too as we were all pre-

paring for the National College Entrance Test. The

result of that test would determine what we could study

after high school. I focused even though I had no plans

whatsoever. If you had plans to study law, medicine and

engineering you needed to get a mark of 90%. That

was diffi cult already, you really needed to be intelligent

and study harder. I was only aiming for 50% to 70% but

still not confi dent I could get it. Some were really seri-

ous about it but most were not as they were planning to

get married after graduation. If one was able to gradu-

ate high school at that time you could land a decent job.

You could be a salesperson or maybe a messenger in

the offi ce and at least you wouldn’t make your hands

dirty. That was decent at that time.


Mikaela and I now had a mutual understanding. At

school we were the same as before, like strangers. We

never meet often because we found it hard to organise

proper timing.

Skipping class to be with Mikaela was tempting but we

were all focused on our studies. Mikaela was aiming for

95-100% result as her plan was to study law in manila.

March of 1979 was our last month in high school and

there were no classroom lessons anymore so we were

free to do whatever we liked as long as we were pres-

ent for the graduation ceremony rehearsals. On one of

those days we were waiting inside our classroom for

our class adviser. Mikaela wrote on the blackboard the

schedule of our practices. My classmates were so noisy.

I sat there watching Mikaela’s back while she wrote.

She had good writing strokes and very good posture

too. She always moved with confi dence and when she

talked in front of us, everyone listened. Before fi nishing

her writing she also wrote at the bottom: CONGRATU-

LATIONS TO ALL!

When our adviser arrived, she told us that she would

be very busy the whole day with the printing of the

invitations and certifi cates so she couldn’t mind us. She

therefore declared that we could do whatever we wanted

that day but to be early next day for the rehearsal. My

classmates didn’t wait for our adviser to fi nish her sen-

tence and they started shouting and rushing out of the

Lourdes Abrenica 19

door. I caught Mikaela looking at me and she gave me

a wink. I started to get nervous while I exited the school

ground. I was both excited and afraid of what might lie

ahead that day.

It was a typical hot March day. I took the long way to

give me time to think. It was our second time together.

When I got there, she was already sitting on one of

the big rocks and her feet were in the water. She had

changed from her uniform into faded shorts and a yellow

t-shirt. She was looking at me angrily when she spotted

me. I said sorry but she didn’t reply. She extended her

hand so she could help me climb the rock and sit beside

her. She had packed lunch and divided it between us.

The food was delicious. I could only taste those kinds of

foods on special occasions.

We sat there for a while as it was shaded with leaves

from the big trees that surrounded the edge and rocky

part of the river. Even under the shade one could still

feel the heat of summer and the clear water was so invit-

ing. Mikaela started to undress. Once fully naked she

slid herself into the water from where we were seated.

She swam back and forth. It was high tide so the water

was about a foot above Mikaela’s head.

She was a good swimmer, properly trained I guess.

Then she swam back towards me and told me that

if I did not join her she would splash me with water.

I was afraid of my uniform getting wet and hesitated to


undress as she was staring up at me. I asked politely if

she could turn her back. She didn’t. She only continued

looking at me. I shyly removed all my clothes and folded

them nicely before joining her.

I tried to swim away. I was not as good as her but could

swim and fl oat. The water was warm and refreshing.

I swam where I could stand with just my head out of the

water. Then I looked at her and she started swimming

towards me. She stopped so close to me that I started

to feel differently. She was too close that we could both

hear our hearts beating. She cupped my face with her

soft hands then started kissing me so lightly on my lips.

I didn’t know what to do but stood there frozen while

feeling butterfl ies in my stomach. The sensation was so

new to me, yet it was nice and I liked it.

The next thing I knew I started responding to her by

copying what she was doing to me. It was that time

that we already knew how to enjoy and kiss each other

passionately until we stopped to catch our breath. It

was a wonderful feeling, so delicious. My ignorance of

it all made me think what had happened was something

I couldn’t name but I surely felt it. It was so addictive

that I didn’t want it to fi nish.

Ours was a very small town. There was no cinema,

books or magazines that would introduce us to this kind

of thing. Mikaela on the other hand, had knowledge

which was unknown to us, the poor. We swam more

Lourdes Abrenica 21

until we were tired. Before we climbed back on the rock,

she put my back against the rock and we kissed again.

Then she started to touch me everywhere and I touched

her as well. We both had smooth skin that was good to

touch. Everything happened so fast that the next thing

I knew I was happy and giddy.

We dressed then Mikaela climbed the guava tree and

we ate as many as we could. We were tired and hun-

gry. While waiting for our hair to dry, Mikaela talked

about her plans. She wanted to be a lawyer and if she

had money of her own she would get me away from

grandma’s care. I was so touched by her plans for the

both us.

She asked me about my plans too so I told her about

my aunt’s offer of fulltime babysitting and also grand-

ma’s silence about my future. Mikaela was sympathetic

and hugged me tightly and comforted me by telling me

she would look after me in due time. She told me how

I would be missed by her. She would buy a house close

to the water where we would live together. We would

swim and laugh and I could draw all the time I wanted.

She would buy me paints and all sorts of drawing mate-

rials. Her comforting words made me cry more. I asked

myself that time, how could a spoiled rich lady reach

out unselfi shly?

I found her tenderness so genuine and it only made me

sad, especially the thought of us being apart. Mikaela


had this sensitivity that was beyond my comprehension.

She was the only person who truly cared for me.

Mikaela was my inspiration and that made me realize

that I was not unfortunate after all. I was so lucky that

I had my Mikaela. Her love brought a new meaning to

my life. The memory of what happened that day always

brings a smile to my lips. Her love for me made me

want to wake up for another day. I was humming on

my way home.

2013 - This year is my 50th birthday. My kids are

grown up and they have their own life and indepen-

dence. My husband will be retiring in fi ve more years.

I have been planning things for myself now that they no

longer need my care.

This year is the year for me to start my own life, as

I was planning the last couple of years. I will be going

back to the Philippines to stay there for the rest of my

life. It will be my time for myself. My husband is not

included in my plans. I want to be alone and be content

to live with all my wonderful memories of Mikaela.

My life with my husband is comfortable. I have this

nothing to complain marriage. I grew up in poverty

and practically an orphan but my marriage to a fi nance

analyst/consultant changed that. I don’t need to work.

Andrew’s pay is more than enough to help us live com-

fortably. His work made us travel to different places.

Our two children can speak Mandarin, French and

Lourdes Abrenica 23

Japanese and of course perfect English. They can’t

speak Tagalog though but can understand the basics.

We lived in China for fi ve years, another fi ve years in

France and Japan for two years. We had holidays in

Switzerland, London and America.

I must say my marriage to Aussie Andrew upgraded my

life, from nothing to something. Andrew never wanted

me to work. I have been a fulltime mum and wife. When

the kids were at school, I devoted myself to maintaining

a spotless three bedroom modern house on the north-

ern beaches of New South Wales. Even when we were

in the Philippines we never hired a maid and I didn’t

want anybody to care and look after my kids except

me. I was a perfect wife to Andrew although I didn’t

socialize except for some functions I needed to attend

with him.

Andrew has been faithful and he loves me dearly. With

that I feel obligated to be a good wife to him. We have

different taste in movies and books. When we watch

movies of his choice together I will end up sleeping.

I never try to force him to be interested in what I like,

whatever he wants I agree to without any fuss at all. We

had no heated discussions or fi ghts. Andrew married a

perfect wife. He has a perfect home and kids, what else

could a guy ask for? It’s really easy to live a harmonious

and peaceful married life. ONE HAS TO GIVE WAY

AND THAT’S IT!


1979. After that intimate day with Mikaela, everyday

at school was busy for the graduation rehearsals. It was

a big deal for students and parents. At that time if you

were able to fi nish high school, at least you could land

a decent job. Street cleaners, housemaids and nannies

were for those who were not able to graduate high

school. Everyone’s excitement increased each day as

we neared our graduation rites.

During our last day of practice, a day before the grad-

uation, Mikaela handed everybody an invitation. Her

parents were throwing her a big party a day after the

ceremony. The party was in everyone’s head now,

what to wear and what to expect and surely it would

be grand and one couldn’t afford to miss it. For me,

I surely couldn’t attend as my aunt already talked to me

about accompanying her to the next town for her kid’s

doctor’s appointment. I didn’t have the chance to tell

Mikaela because everybody was talking to her.

Graduation day came; so much drama among my class-

mates. Drama between friends and loved ones, parents’

tears of happiness, proud teachers, Mikaelas parents’

joy because she fi nished second in our class and the

highest achiever in the college entrance test. Her par-

ents proudly said that even if she wanted to enter the

college of medicine she could with her test result.

Immediately after the graduation, my grandma asked

me to go home as she needed an early start the next

Lourdes Abrenica 25

day at the market. I asked if I could stay a bit longer, she

said it was ok as long as when I got home not to make

any noise so as not to wake her up. As I stood amongst

congratulations and cheers, a good looking guy in our

class named Roy, handed me fl owers and gave me a

peck on my cheek. The fl owers were about a dozen

yellow daisies and about three red roses tied with a red

ribbon. I gave him my sweetest smile and a hug for his

gestures.

I left discreetly after returning my graduation gown to

my adviser. Instead of going home, I walked to the place

where I found my happiness. I climbed to the highest

rock and lay down facing the sky. The sky was so bright

with so many stars! The stars were big and bright! The

evening was so calm except for the crickets.

I gazed at the stars while I thought of my mother. I never

missed her but tonight I would like her to be with me

as proud as the rest of the parents. Big tears of sadness

fl owed down my cheeks. I felt so alone but not for long

as I sensed Mikaela was down by the rocks, maybe giv-

ing me some time for myself.

It was me who spoke fi rst by saying my congratulations

to her. She climbed beside me and threw into the water

the fl owers Roy gave me. She gave me a small red box

and kissed me on my cheek as well as congratulating me

too. I apologized for not buying her a gift. She smiled

and made me open my gift. Inside the box was a very


fi ne gold ring and when you looked closer you could see

that the ring was made of tiny linked hearts.

She put it on my fi nger and it fi t perfectly as we had the

same long and fi nely shaped fi ngers. I gave it back to

her as I said I didn’t know how to explain it to grandma

and I couldn’t wear such a beautiful piece while doing

housework at my aunt. Mikaela told me not wear it but

keep it with me everywhere I go. According to her it

was a reminder of her love to me forever. She promised

too that her love was only for me, from the day she saw

me in grade 1 until death she swore and I shivered at

the mention of death. Her promise was so intense and

I couldn’t say a word only continue to cry more. We

were not intimate that night but just were content in

each others’ arms until midnight. We embraced tightly

before we parted.

The summer of 1979 was almost over. I had no time

to catch up with Mikaela before she left for Manila to

study. I was busy looking after my four year old cousin.

I didn’t have any days off as my aunt was pregnant

again. Nighttime was my only rest. My aunt paid me

100 pesos a month.

At the end of May, I fell asleep with my cousin on his

afternoon nap when I was woken by loud voices argu-

ing. It was my aunt and grandma. Their voices were so

loud that I put a pillow on my cousin’s ear so as not to

wake him. I listened and they were talking about me.

Lourdes Abrenica 27

Apparently my mum kept sending a small amount of

money every month since she left me and my grandma

put it in the bank for my college. My grandma insisted

that she wanted me to do a secretarial course which

was for two years because that’s all the money we could

afford. My aunt of course didn’t like it, maybe next year

she said. They met halfway when grandma assured my

aunt that she would fi nd a reliable maid to replace me.

The thought of my mum sending me money was heart-

warming and so was the idea that my grandma thought

of me after all.

June of 1979 - my grandma accompanied me to the

biggest town in our province. I was to stay in a board-

ing house owned by her childhood friend which was a

short walk to the college. It was a two year secretarial

course. My earnings from my aunt enabled me to buy

some new clothes and shoes too. My new found inde-

pendence brought me happiness, it was a new world to

explore, a new world of my own. My grandma gave me

a weekly minimal budget for food and accommodation.

I had to concentrate on my studies but there was no

evening before I slept that I didn’t think of my Mikaela.

I also had the chance to wear the ring; it was a constant

reminder of her love and promises to me. Every Friday

night I had to catch a train back to our town. Saturdays

and Sundays were the usual - help at my aunt’s house,

then back to my own world early Monday morning.


First semester went by and in second semester I fi n-

ished with fl ying colours! I did well in my fi rst year. I had

my own time and space and I managed my time well

and focused more on my studies. Because of my fair-

ness and my height I was attractive to men but I really

didn’t give them an opportunity to get friendly with me

other than school talk and work. I had broad shoul-

ders so even if I dressed simply with my old clothes

I still managed to catch admiring glances from my male

classmates. Three had the guts to ask me to a movie

or date but I politely declined. I can’t explain my feeling

but my thoughts were only of Mikaela. It was a pity we

didn’t had the chance to see each other before starting

our college life. When I couldn’t sleep at night I just

pressed my ring very close to my heart to fi ll the gap

of our distance. My Saturday and Sunday work never

hindered me from doing well at school and the extra

money my aunt gave me was welcomed as it gave me a

chance to buy school supplies.

1980. I welcomed the summer of this year with mixed

emotions. There were feelings of joy as I ended my fi rst

year with honours, and sadness as I had to go back

home. Two months of staying at my aunt’s and that

time there was a new born baby. After the fi rst month

of work in my aunt’s household I got sick from fatigue

and heat that I had to return to grandma’s house. I was

so happy to get sick! Finally, bed and rest for me.

Lourdes Abrenica 29

The second day at grandma’s I felt better. Grandma left

me some food on the table. I took a quick bath then

drank my medicine. When I got bored before midday,

I packed some food and water and an old towel. I also

put my pencils and papers in a small bag then headed

to our private place. I had to walk slowly so as not to

get tired.

Our secret hideaway never changed except that the

trees were now taller and thick with leaves. I looked

for the shadiest part and spread the old towel. I started

drawing but I felt dizzy so I decided to lie down and nap.

I was woken by the sun on my face. I felt hot with fever

again so I packed up and went home.

I was delirious that night and grandma was annoyed

about missing work as she had to take me to the doc-

tor early the next day. The doctor said that I had some

sort of infection and that was the reason why the fever

kept coming back. I was also advised to stay in a bed

for a couple of days more and not to miss taking my

antibiotic on time. I really didn’t mind being sick as the

rest days were what I needed. Grandma bought me

fruits and bottled juice before we went back home and

left me alone as she really needed to go back to her

business with only her assistant there.

It was nice to stay in bed in the middle of the day after

sleeping most of the morning I felt better but was so

hungry. I brushed my teeth and tongue to remove the


bitter taste and enjoy my meal. It was a nice meal. I took

with me upstairs to my room a glass of water. Upstairs

had four tiny rooms and downstairs had two big rooms

and my grandma occupied one. My tiny room was the

second as the fi rst was for my youngest aunt when she

would come for a visit.

The wall of my room was decorated with my draw-

ings I pasted to make it bright and lively. It had a hard

wooden single bed and a tiny closet that looked so big

with my few clothes. What I liked about my room was

the big window that when opened allowed the sunlight

to come in. It had no table so I had to write and draw

on my bed with the help of my pillow placed on my lap.

When I entered my tiny room I was surprised to see

Mikaela sitting Buddha-like on my bed. She had lost

weight as shown by the hollow of her cheeks and the

base of her neck, but it only made her more beautiful.

She had this sad look on her face. I stood at my bed-

room door frozen. Recovering from the shock of seeing

her there on my bed, I nervously closed my door and

half of the window, then sat on the edge of my bed.

I wanted to give her a tight hug as I really missed her

but stopped myself from doing so as I was afraid that

she would not welcome it.

She sat there just looking at me and made me scared.

I could tell there was both sadness and anger in her eyes.

Mikaela broke our silence by asking me why I didn’t

Lourdes Abrenica 31

attend her graduation party. I couldn’t answer straight

away as it was last year and I had forgotten about it

until I remembered I went with my aunt to the doctor’s

appointment for her child. Mikaela told me that she was

supposed to give me her address and telephone num-

ber in Manila so we could stay in touch. I was dismayed

after hearing it because that was what she hoped for

before parting ways - to keep in constant communica-

tion with me. I apologized sincerely and started kissing

her. I missed her terribly so I didn’t want to talk but just

be in each other’s arms.

I didn’t bother asking her how she knew I was alone

at the house, what mattered most was that we were

together. We put the bed against the door to block it.

We left the window partially open for the fresh wind

to come in, as the house was surrounded with big old

trees. We feasted our eyes on our naked bodies, try-

ing to remember every part. We spent the afternoon

kissing and caressing and loving each other. We didn’t

want to part ways but in an hour my grandma would

be home.

Before she left she told me to get well and promised me

she would be back early tomorrow immediately after my

grandma left. I saw her to our back door and she disap-

peared among the trees in our backyard. Houses then

were far from each other so there was no chance of

anybody seeing Mikaela leaving the house. Grandma’s


backyard had long stretches of trees leading to the foot

of a mountain. When Mikaela left, I tidied my room and

boiled a big pot of water so I could take a warm bath

before sleeping. I felt really well that night and couldn’t

wait for the next day.

Grandma came home with sweet ripe mangoes and

a small tin of biscuits. She reminded me to get well

soon so I could go back and help my aunt. Some extra

money would help me buy new clothes and shoes for

my second and last year of college. I thanked her for

the mangoes and biscuits and went to bed early. I slept

contented and with a smile on my face, still remember-

ing our afternoon and the thought of the next day.

I woke up early the following day. There were fried eggs,

bread rolls and a new box of powdered milk. With hot

water from the thermos I made a glass of hot milk and

ate my breakfast with slices of ripe mangoes. I washed

the dishes, swept the fl oor and waited for Mikaela. True

to her word she arrived about half an hour after my

grandma left. She had with her a small bag. Hand in

hand we climbed the stairs to my room. We put the

bed again against the closed door then sat on the fl oor

near the window. She opened her bag and gave me

a hardbound book about two inches thick but when

I opened the book it was with empty pages of white

bond papers. On the fi rst blank page Mikaela had writ-

Lourdes Abrenica 33

ten our names in big and colourful letters: MIKAELA

and ALEXANDRA FOREVER.

She told me to draw our story in that book, the places

and the things that had connections to us. And when

I fi nished the drawings, I needed to give back the book

to her as my gift. I could feel that my eyes were start-

ing to get misty but I held back my tears, I wanted us

to enjoy that day. Inside the bag was a pack of fruity

candies and a pack of imported chocolate. We chatted

about our fi rst year of school and what we did away

from each other. Mikaela was studying political science.

Our love inspired her to study seriously so we could

be together soon when we were old enough to look

after ourselves. She was so absolute about our future

together. She also promised me that when she got

some time off from her study she would visit me and

spend the weekend together. We couldn’t fi x the date

because of the demand of her studies and the distance.

We shared the candies and Mikaela told me jokes that

made me laugh hard. When we had nothing more to

talk about, she started stroking my face. I looked at her

perfect face and tried to imprint it on my mind. What

happened next in my tiny room was so private that only

Mikaela and I knew. It is a memory that will forever be

ours to share.


When she left, I started to feel the sadness and empti-

ness. I knew and she knew that we never knew when

we would see each other again.

The next day, I went to my aunt’s house to help. I worked

with zest for the money and I needed to keep myself

busy to take my thoughts away from Mikaela as the

memories in my room were too much for me to bear.

The summer of 1980 was gone and I was back at col-

lege. It was my second and last year. I aimed to fi nish

the course with high marks so I could land a job easily.

That was my plan, so I really focused on my studies.

I did not want to stay in our small town anymore and

be forever helping my aunt. It was my simple ambition

but I really needed to do my best.

I sent Mikaela a birthday card that year as it was her 17th

birthday. On the card I wrote: GORGEOUS BIRTH-

DAY GIRL, WISH YOU WERE WITH ME TO SPEND

YOUR SPECIAL DAY!!! TIGHT HUGS, ALEXA.

That year was truly inspiring as we always exchanged

letters. Sometimes I would receive telegrams with,

I LOVE YOU or I MISS YOU! She would also send

me pictures of her making funny faces and that always

lightened my days. That was how she expressed her

love and sweetness to me. She was so sensitive that she

never forgot and would do anything to make me happy.

I felt her honesty and the depth of her love for me that

Lourdes Abrenica 35

sometimes I felt guilty wondering if she felt mine too.

I achieved better results in my grades than my fi rst year

because of our constant communications. We missed

each other’s presence but the coming of letters always

reminded us of our love for each other.

A letter from her came in September 1980 saying that

she could manage a two to three day visit next month.

She could not exactly say the date or if it would be fi ne

with me too. I replied back writing that it is fi ne with

me as I had perfect attendance at school and three days

wouldn’t harm my performance.

October came and every day I kept waiting for her.

In the middle of October on a Thursday morning, my

landlady knocked to tell me that there was somebody

downstairs who wanted to see me. I followed her and

down in the small receiving area was Mikaela. She had

a huge backpack and told me to pack some clothes.

I had no idea how many days we would be out so

I packed fi ve pairs of undies, three pairs of shorts, a

pair of faded black jeans, fi ve t-shirts and my toiletries.

I put on my canvas shoes, locked my room and joined

her downstairs. Luckily the landlady was not there so

I was spared from lying.

We took a public jeepney going to the bus terminal.

Mikaela was guiding me all the way so I thought she

had planned where we were going. It was a bumpy four

hour drive in a bus but when we reached the place it


was breathtaking. It was a beach resort with light brown

and fi ne sands and there were long rows of small but

uniform cottages. Mikaela introduced us and talked to

the owner. The owner was a friend of her father’s from

a long time ago. Mikaela said we were classmates and

were there to study. She was given a key to one of

the cottages. Inside it was clean. There was a bamboo

double sized bed and a small table with two chairs. The

window was big and screened.

Mikaela unpacked her backpack and took out a rolled

mattress. She laid it on the bed and put her clothes on

top, a towel and two thin bed sheets. Inside the bag

were also bread, canned goods, a small jar of peanut

butter, disposable glasses, spoons, forks and plates.

I placed the food neatly on the small table. After every-

thing was in place she took off her shoes and lay down

on the bed. I could sense that she was so tired from

the trip. I was tired too but Mikaela was travelling for

maybe 12-15 hours already and I felt sorry for her.

I asked if she would like to eat fi rst. She shook her

head so I lay down beside her and rested too. Out of

tiredness, we slept.

We woke up about eight that night. The cottage was

dark. She reached out for her fl ashlight and on a

small cupboard at the back of the door were candles

and matches. The sea was calm, no breaking waves.

I peeked outside and saw a group of middle aged couples

Lourdes Abrenica 37

gathered around a fi re. One was playing the guitar and

the rest were singing folks songs. I spread peanut butter

on the bread and handed some to Mikaela. After fi nish-

ing two loaves she took a bottle out of her backpack

and opened it with a pop. It was sparkling wine she

said so not bitter tasting. She poured in two disposable

glasses and we drank in silence. We drank about half of

the bottle and I felt so light.

We went for a walk. Mikaela walked ahead of me and

because of the wine I walked slowly afraid that I might

fall. When we reached the end of the beach we walked

back. It was starting to rain lightly. We went back to

the cottage and gathered our toiletries. There was no

electricity in that place so we used her fl ashlight to

fi nd the way to the bathrooms. There were drums of

clean water in there. There were cubicles for taking

a bath and separate toilets. We bathed and brushed

our teeth.

Back inside our cottage the light rain was now accom-

panied by winds and after a while the wind was stron-

ger as if it would destroy the palm leafed roofi ng of

the cottage. I started to feel chilly too but didn’t bring

any warm clothes. Mikaela had two. They were identi-

cal hoodies, same size but she gave me the red and

hers was the dark green. She said I looked beautiful in

red with my fair skin. I felt my cheeks blush with her

compliment.


We sat in awkward silence, listening to the howling

wind and heavy rain outside. I started the conversation

by saying how thankful I was to her for making the

effort to see me and fi nished it by saying I missed her so

much. Another awkward silence but I could see she was

smiling. Then she extended her hand to me and I joined

her on the bed. We simply sat close to each other. She

put my head on her lap and gently stroked my long hair.

I kept it long for her; she liked it reaching my mid back

so I always kept it that long.

I felt so secure and comfortable by Mikaela’s side. Her

gentle stroking of my hair made me feel sensual so

that I was the one who fi rst undressed. I was hot inside

and I became daring kissing her fi rst. I badly missed

my Mikaela and I didn’t want to waste any moment of

our time together. I started kissing her slowly but then

Mikaela reciprocated with passion and intensity. Our

long time of separation made us want each other badly.

We missed the feel of each other. We made love all

through the night and we only stopped when we were

both weary but still locked in one embrace.

It was wonderful and neither one of us cared if what we

were doing was sinful. Our love defi ed all the rules and

what we felt for one another was all that mattered. We

stayed awake the whole night. When the rain stopped

we went out and sat on the beach facing the ocean. We

waited for the sun to come up and when it started to

Lourdes Abrenica 39

show itself it was beautiful. The water was calm after the

rain and sky was clear promising us a bright day ahead.

When the sun was up, we headed to the small variety

store and bought two cups of hot coffee. After we had

our breakfast, we went back to the beach and walked at

the far end where there were fi shermen with their fresh

catch. Mikaela bought four big still alive fi sh. Back at

our cottage we made a small fi re outside and grilled the

fi sh, the smell was mouth watering.

The day was starting to get hot and the sea was spar-

kling under the morning sun. After cooking our fi sh,

Mikaela got two swimsuits from her bag. Again they

were identical except for the colour. We were of the

same build. She handed me the dark violet one and

hers was black. We were both stunning in our swim-

suits. I tied my hair with a rubber band; I didn’t want it

on my face especially when it was wet. We were both

good looking ladies and when we went out we got

stares from passers-by. People in that area were not

used to seeing ladies in swimsuits so we were almost

naked to them.

We swam, we laughed, we played and had fun. We

were in the water most of the morning. We only came

out when the sun became unbearable and we were both

heavily tanned. We took a cold bath in the rest rooms

and changed into clean dry clothes. We both smelled

nice. Mikaela gave me a big bottle of imported cologne,


but she teased me saying not to use it at school other-

wise men wouldn’t be able to resist kissing me. I just

laughed at the idea but I saw the frown on her face and

I knew that she was jealous of the idea.

We had our lunch, eating our fi sh and steamed rice

from the store. We also had freshly sliced tomato with

fi sh sauce to match the fi sh. We were so hungry that

Mikaela bought another plate of rice.

After eating, we couldn’t move because we ate too

much. There was a long bamboo bench outside our

cottage and a wooden table too, that’s where we ate.

We just sat there looking at the water. I felt sleepy after

the fun and the food but I didn’t want to sleep, time was

too precious for me to spend it sleeping. Mikaela asked

me if I was happy. I answered that I was very happy and

I did not want it to end.

Sunset came and it was breathtaking. Sunset has its

own beauty, to some it may symbolizes the end but to

me, it’s the time to remind us that after the weariness of

the day, there is the time to rest and recharge our body

and mind for a new tomorrow. If sunrise signifi es hope

then sunset for me is serenity.

We made long passionate love that night but because of

tiredness we slept locked in each other’s arms.

The next day we were woken up by the alarm on

Mikaela’s wristwatch. After brushing our teeth and

Lourdes Abrenica 41

a fresh bath we cleared the cottage of our stuff and

threw away the rubbish. Mikaela paid the owner and

handed back the key and we hurried to the bus termi-

nal. We needed to catch the fi rst bus back to the town

and if we missed it we would have to catch the next

one which was after lunch. On the bus ride we enjoyed

the scenery holding each other’s hand throughout the

bumpy ride. I noticed that people looked at us like we

were freaks.

When we were in the town, we ate stir fried noodles

and steamed buns in a restaurant. It was Saturday so

there were many people out already. Mikaela didn’t

take me to my boarding house but checked us into a

small but clean hotel.

We slept the whole afternoon. The hotel room was

dark when I woke up. I slowly moved out of Mikaela’s

arm and took a long shower. Halfway through Mikaela

joined me and we played with soap and water. We

were like two young people having fun in the shower.

Mikaela said we should go out so I put on my old black

jeans and slim fi t old red t-shirt while she wore an old

pair of shorts and a red t-shirt too but hers was redder.

We both wore a pair of canvas shoes, mine were black

and hers were off white. I was about to tie my hair when

she said leave it hanging. I just secured the front of my

hair with a hairpin as I really didn’t want my hair on my

face especially on my forehead.


When I was done, she looked at me with admiration.

She was perfect herself, her very short hair emphasized

her perfect face. She was so womanly while I looked

girly. I kept telling myself we were both pleasing to look

at. She didn’t like my shirt she said, too small as my

breasts were bigger than hers and the t-shirt was mak-

ing them more attractive. I said that it was not small but

the right size for me and that it was my last clean one.

I knew she was annoyed but didn’t pursue the matter.

Instead she held my hand and we started walking to the

town centre.

It was night time and young lovers and couples were

out walking too. Mikaela became so possessive that she

put her arm on my shoulder while we walked. Mikaela

lead me to a building and after climbing the stairs we

were in a disco pub. There were only a few young peo-

ple there as it was still early. Mikaela seated us at a table

for two but put the chairs together so we sat close. She

ordered fi ve bottles of beer and asked me if I would like

a sandwich. I was not hungry so we ordered spring rolls

instead to go with the beer. It was the fi rst time I had

tasted beer but I didn’t want to spoil our night so drank

my fi rst bottle in two gulps as I didn’t like the taste.

Mikaela was looking at me smiling. “You don’t drink

beer like a soft drink!” The music was blaring with songs

of the early 80’s. Mikaela sang with the music, she had

very clear, loud, melodic voice. I was on my third bottle

Lourdes Abrenica 43

and Mikaela ordered more beers. I was getting drunk

I thought. It was like the room was spinning and I was

so light I felt that I could fl y.

The dance fl oor was starting to fi ll with people our age

some were a bit older. I was losing my inhibitions so

I led Mikaela to dance. She continued singing while we

moved to the center. I danced sexily to the music try-

ing to tease her because her dancing was so bad that

I was laughing at her. It was my fi rst time dancing but

I just swayed my body and head to the music while

Mikaela was moving her arms and legs but her body

was stiff. That made me laugh and I continued with

my dancing and teasing. When slow music was played,

Mikaela pulled me close to her and put my arms around

her neck. We were so close that I knew we were being

looked at.

I put my head on her shoulder, I felt sick after the danc-

ing. Before the slow music ended I excused myself and

ran to the restroom. There I vomited till my stomach

was empty. Mikaela followed me and when I looked at

her she laughed at my face and I turned to the mirror.

My face was deathly pale and there was some vomit on

my hair! I washed my face and hair and tied it.

When we were back at the table, she ordered coffee for

me and excused herself. My gaze followed her and I saw

her talking to an older man and they went out. After

about twenty minutes she was back. Her eyes were red


and misty. I wanted to ask her where she went but didn’t.

This time she ordered a bottle of wine, she said it was

fi ne for me to drink it would not make me sick. After

one full glass I started to feel different again but not

sick. We were back on the dance fl oor and by that time

it was full. We danced and sang. Then two guys asked

us if they could dance with us. I didn’t say anything.

I let Mikaela speak for us and she said politely, “No

thank you very much.” Mikaela was wild and louder this

time, she was singing loudly! She got looks but nobody

tried to stop her. Her singing voice was really good that

the others were not affected. Everyone was having fun.

It was about 2:00 in the morning when she said we

should leave. The disco was still full and it would close

after one and a half hours.

At the hotel, I still felt drunk and continued teasing her

with my dance moves. We didn’t sleep but made love.

It was our last so we made it unforgettable and memo-

rable for us. When we were both tired we sat on the bed

with her arm on my back and we sat very close.

Mikaela said, “My mum is already planning my 18th

birthday. She said it will be grand and traditional with

18 roses and all those crazy ideas of hers.” I smiled

at the thought and asked her, “What colour gown are

you wearing, don’t tell me its pink?!!!” Mikaela replied,

“What about you kiss my ass!”

I asked her, “Did you wash it?”

Lourdes Abrenica 45

Mikaela asked, “Wash what???? Then I laughed loudly

and said, “You said, kiss your ass! So I asked you if you

washed it.”

Mikaela threw back, “Smart ass!!! Honestly if mum will

force that idea on me she’ll regret it. I will disappear

on my birthday and all her preparations will be wasted.

She even talked to the mayor about his son being my

escort for the night!!!”

I asked her, “Am I invited?” Mikaela said, “No, because

there will be no such debutante party for me. But you

know what I look forward to on my 18th is that my

father promised me as my birthday gift from him, he

will buy me a car! I know how to drive already and

when I have the car, I can come to you every weekend!”

I was happy for her, and it was heartwarming to be

included in her plans. We were silent for a while though

not sleepy at all. She led me out of the bed and took

the linen and wrapped it around us while we stood

there. She held me with her arms on my back and

I put my arms around her neck. We danced in slow

motion holding each other tightly inside the sheet. She

started singing and I hummed silently as I didn’t know

the words.

Life is a moment in space When the dream is gone It’s a lonelier place……. We both

hummed it softly like a lullaby as we weren’t familiar


with the lines of the song. Then we sang the chorus

loudly especially on the line that said…it’s a right, I defend………………

She fi nished the song and our tears were fl owing freely

down our faces. I felt so sad that in a few hours we

would part ways. There was no time set for when we

would see each other again.

We checked out early from the hotel and we walked

to the bus terminal. She bought her ticket to Manila

and we seated ourselves in the waiting area as her bus

to Manila was departing after 45 minutes. We sat still

holding each other’s hands.

“I might not see you for quite some time. Me and my

family will go to America this coming December. I don’t

want to go but my grandma is very sick and my mum

would like to be with her. I negotiated with them that if

I go, they will let me spend summer in our hometown.

I will have the house to myself come the month of May.

It would be wonderful if you and me could stay there

together.”

The whole time Mikaela was speaking, tears were fl ow-

ing down my cheeks. I could sense that she was holding

her tears too as she talked with sadness in her voice. In

my mind I counted the months that we would be away

from one another- six months but for me it would be

like 6 years.

Lourdes Abrenica 47

When it was time for her to board her bus, I let go of

her hand and we embraced so tightly. I didn’t leave the

bus station until the bus was out of my sight. I started

walking with heavy feet. I should have caught the tri-

cycle to go to my boarding house because Mikaela left

me her big backpack with all her stuff in there. She only

took a canvas shoulder bag with her back to Manila.

Back at my boarding house my landlady was waiting

for me. She told me that grandma telephoned her ask-

ing why I didn’t go home this weekend. I lied by say-

ing I was doing a group research with my classmates

and Mikaela was the group leader. I excused myself and

went to my room. I quickly took a bath and sat on my

bed. On my lap was the bound book given to me by

Mikaela. It was already half full. On the next empty

page I drew all the events and places we went. On one

page I drew the waterfront, then on another the rows of

cottages. One page was for the disco pub, dark but with

the shadows of dancing people and just the colours of

the disco lights. I also drew the back of us facing the

ocean watching the sunset and lastly I drew us wrapped

in the sheet in the darkness of the hotel room standing

near the bed locked in each other’s arms. I fi nished all

fi ve pages before midnight. It was fulfi lling and at the

same time sorrowful.

2013. Andrew has been a wonderful husband. He

never yells; he is always calm even when he is annoyed


or angry. To him it’s a great waste of his energy if he

gets mad. His energy should be devoted to something

productive he says. He has treated me well. There has

never really been any reason for us to fi ght as I am

meek and submissive. I love my kids dearly. I disciplined

them but also gave them freedom so as not to make

them rebellious or wild. My kids’ friends are products

of divorced parents and with that they are happy and

contented with us. I taught them the value of charity

and compassion.

My eldest, Georgina, is a pediatrician. She loves children

but doesn’t want one of her own. She is in a relationship

with a cardiologist at the moment and they are happy

but do not want to get married yet. My son, George is

still at uni. He wants to study in France. My husband

agrees but only after he fi nishes his bachelor degree

here in Sydney. His artwork is excellent and even when

he was young his work was shown on exhibit. I draw

well but he draws better. My daughter already owns a

one bedroom unit in North Sydney but every Saturday

night she spends at our house having dinner and catch-

ing up with us.

My sweet Georgina always sends me SMS messages

every night though. My son is a carefree guy. He has

already had four girlfriends before the present one he

is dating. His friends encourage him to move out from

home but he says he will when he is twenty-one. He

Lourdes Abrenica 49

is lazy but with his art he is passionate that he never

wants anybody or anything to get on his way.

I have more time for myself now. Unknown to my fam-

ily, I am making plans as to what I want to do for the

rest of my life. I want a place of my own and I want to

be alone. I will start drawing again. I will be content to

sit close to Mikaela and draw, watch the sunrise and

sunset with all the sweet memories of my past. It will be

enough for me to live on and wait for my time to join

my beautiful Mikaela.

1981 March. I graduated from my two year secretarial

course with honours. I was alone on my graduation.

My grandma as always was busy with her business. My

male steno teacher, who always gazed at me during

classes, congratulated me and said he would give me a

good referral and help me secure a job too. I thanked

him and I said I would see him when my credentials

were ready. I had a lot of invitations especially from

my male classmates to celebrate our graduation but

I declined them all.

After changing into pants and a shirt, I went to the long

distance centre and called Mikaela’s home in Manila.

The phone kept on ringing but nobody answered. After

many attempts I gave up. I treated myself to a good din-

ner in a restaurant. I spend 20 pesos! It was my entire

two days budget for food. I walked around the town

plaza and park feeling sad and empty. I missed Mikaela


so much. While I walked I made plans for myself. I didn’t

want to go back to our hometown; here in this busy

town I found my own world. My aunt didn’t bother me

to help her as she had a permanent housemaid now.

My grades were excellent and most of my teachers were

happy to give me excellent referrals too. I stood fi ve feet

and three inches on my barefoot. My body structure

was not fat or skinny plus my broad shoulders made me

carry myself presentably. If I added some colour to my

face, I would have been very pleasing to look at. Those

were my advantages that boosted my confi dence that

I would fi nd a job soon. I would start tomorrow carrying

out my aim. That night I felt hopeful and this inspired

me to draw in Mikaela’s book a variety of colourful fl ow-

ers forming the infi nity symbol and inside the circles

I wrote my name and Mikaela’s on the other.

The next day I started to write my resume and an appli-

cation letter. I wrote it with my neat handwriting as I had

no typewriter to use. During those times, handwritten

had more value than typewritten when submitting an

application. I was busy preparing my papers when my

landlady knocked and gave me a huge bouquet of differ-

ent coloured roses. It was specially delivered she told me.

On the small card attached to the ribbon was a typewrit-

ten note that said: WITH CONGRATULATIONS AND

LOVE, M. It was so beautiful and scented! My small

room smelled nice from the fl owers. I forgot what I was

doing before that so I put the fl owers on my tiny bed

Lourdes Abrenica 51

and drew them in Mikaela’s book. The fl owers may die

but I captured them in my drawings and that will last our

lifetime. I wrote a message at the bottom of my drawing,

WITH MY LOVE AND APPRECIATION, A.

The next day I started early. It is a must that a secretary

should be well groomed and pleasing. I dressed carefully

but I didn’t have much to choose from. I put on a light

brown pencil cut skirt and a maroonish-coloured busi-

ness shirt. One of our subjects was how to apply make-

up. I didn’t own any except for a lipstick my youngest

aunt gave me the Christmas before. It was bright red,

so I used it to colour my eyelids and my lips. I applied

it very lightly on my eyelids and a bit darker on my lips

then combed and tied my long hair at my back. I was

pleased with the result. I had only black fl at shoes and

a back shoulder bag to fi nish my outfi t.

Placing all my credentials in the envelopes, I started to

walk to the town centre where the offi ces were. That

day I used my ring too hoping that it would bring me

good luck. I approached fi ve offi ces and two gave me

the chance of an interview with the boss. They said that

they would contact me if I was successful. Altogether it

was a fruitful day for me.

Before going back to my boarding house, I bought a

strong tiny yarn. I used it as a necklace for my ring.

I thought that I would like to wear it all the time, not

on my fi ngers but close to my heart. It looked pretty on


my chest, black yarn and the gold ring on my fair skin.

I swore that from that day on I would never take off

the ring unless I had to change the yarn. If I was lucky

I could buy a gold chain for it. I also looked at some

boarding houses. I wanted to live in a place without the

watchful eyes of anybody.

I found a couple of boarding houses and happy with

my day, I slept that night with a smile and a mind full

of hope. Another thing to smile about too was that the

next day was April and then May, we would be together.

A week passed after graduation. I received a long dis-

tance call from grandma saying that if I was not doing

anything important I need to go home as it was a waste

to pay the boarding house when she had a big empty

house and also I could help her in the store. I panicked!

I desperately needed a job soon so I could continue to

live on my own. I gathered my thoughts, I told myself

to apply for any job while waiting for my applications

result. I wrote more resumes and application letters,

more applications meant more chances of being hired.

For two consecutive days, I submitted applications to

all the offi ces available. Out of desperation too, I went

back to my male teacher who offered to help me. We

talked at the school canteen over cold soft drinks and

a sandwich. He gave me the address and the name

of his lawyer best friend. I wasted no time. After see-

ing my teacher I immediately looked for the address of

Lourdes Abrenica 53

that law offi ce and handed my application with a letter

of recommendation from my teacher. Lucky enough

the lawyer was there to personally accept my applica-

tion and interview me too. He was good looking but

the pictures on his bookshelf showed that he was mar-

ried with two sons. He asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I didn’t answer straight away, surprised by his ques-

tion. Before I could give him an answer, he said that a

boyfriend could pose a problem with my work as there

were some nights that I would have to work. I assured

him that there would be no worries on that matter.

He hired me on the spot out of the recommendation

although what he needed at the time was someone

with experience because his current secretary would

be giving birth sometime this month. I would be on

trial for two weeks with pay and if he found me good

enough then I would have the job plus the wage match-

ing the pay his secretary was receiving.

I was walking on air when I went out of the offi ce.

I bought myself some new clothes and made a long

distance call to my aunt to ask if she could tell grandma

that I couldn’t come home because of a job that would

start the next week.

My landlady greeted me with two letters. They were

both from Mikaela. One was delayed, (usual occurrence

with Philippine Post) and a recent one. I read the older

one fi rst:


Feb. 22, 1981 Dearest Alexa,

My sincerest congratulations on your coming

graduation. It is your fi rst step towards your full

independence. I would like to be there for you

to share your glorious moment but it’s also the

time of the year when I’m so busy studying for

the exams and completing all the requirements.

Second year for me was tough and can’t wait for

it to fi nish. I’m sad to tell you the news that my

father is very sick and the doctor said its terminal.

He wants me to be with him in our hometown.

We will all be going home once I fi nish with all

my school obligations. I miss you so much and

the thought of you keeps me inspired to do my

best at school. I can’t wait for the day that we will

be together every day. With love and thoughts,

Mikaela.

In the latest one she wrote:

March 20, 1981 Dearest Alexa,

I’m studying for my last exam now but couldn’t

focus as my mind only thinks of you. Hope to see

you soon. Take care. Love M.

I took a deep breath. I could tell that Mikaela was tired

and sad about what she was suffering at that moment -

the demand of her studies plus the serious condition

of her father. I knew that our plan to be together this

Lourdes Abrenica 55

coming month would not be possible but I was relieved

too because with my new work coming up, it was not

possible. I had to remember what the boss told me

at the interview, if I could work without unnecessary

disturbance.

I replied to her letters, but saw to it that it would be

friendly as I would address it to our hometown. Discre-

tion was essential for our relationship to continue.

Hi Mikaela, how are you? Hope you did well in

your second year at school. I will be working start-

ing next week as a secretary to a married lawyer.

Hope we can catch up when I have the opportu-

nity to spend my weekend at grandma’s.

By the way I am moving out too, I found this

boarding house close to work and hopefully

there’s a vacancy for me. Yours, A.

I posted the letter and went to the boarding house where

I enquired before. It was summer and there were plenty

of vacant rooms. It was about twenty minutes walk to

my new work. It was neat and tidy, a new building but

twenty pesos more than the rent of my old one. With

the last of my money I paid two weeks rent and I could

move on Sunday. After the rent and my new clothes

I hardly had money for food. It didn’t bother me as

I was starting to enjoy my newfound freedom. I would

eat biscuits and water for the next two weeks.


With the packing and cleaning of my old place, I didn’t

notice the passing of time. My limited personal things

allowed me to change places without any diffi culty. My

landlady was asking me for my new address but I kept

on delaying because I didn’t want to tell her. My new

place was quiet at this time as there were only a few

boarders doing summer classes. My room was smaller

than the fi rst one. I had a small table without chairs

and a tiny bed. There was also a small wardrobe but

big enough for my few clothes, three pairs of shoes,

one black shoulder bag and a canvas messenger bag.

Mikaela’s big backpack I had to put under my bed.

The building had twenty rooms, three bathrooms with

toilets inside, a common kitchen where there were pots

and pans for all to use but each one had to provide his/

her own stove. I was starting to live my dream of being

on my own and I felt hopeful and optimistic.

My fi rst week of work was diffi cult. The woman I was

to replace didn’t seem happy with me but she showed

and taught me everything nevertheless. The fi rst three

days were chaotic so that when I went home I was dead

tired. By Thursday I was starting to cope and Friday, the

pregnant woman went home early from the discomfort

she was feeling since morning so I was on my own for

the rest of the day. I did well I hoped but I was so tired.

Thirty minutes before going home, I was typing the

shorthand I did this morning when the boss came out

Lourdes Abrenica 57

of the offi ce and told me that I needed to accompany

him to a dinner with a client. He said I could stay and

rest at the offi ce till 6pm as the restaurant was in next

building. If I came earlier I should just ask for the table

reserved for them. After saying this he went out. I was

so tired already but a good meal was welcomed. I had

only thirty pesos in my wallet and I needed to stretch it

till next weekend after my very fi rst pay.

When I fi nished all my typing, I tidied the offi ce and

cleared my desk. I still had thirty minutes to make myself

presentable. I was wearing my red business shirt and a

beige A-line skirt the length of which was a bit above my

knee. I tucked in my shirt nicely and combed my hair

out of my face and secured it with a black rubber band

at my back. It was very long and I needed to trim it this

weekend I reminded myself. I powdered my face and

applied lipstick on my lips. I sprayed some of Mikaela’s

cologne behind my ears. Satisfi ed with what I saw in the

mirror, I locked the offi ce and walked to the restaurant.

I was fi ve minutes early so I had time to observe my sur-

roundings. It was fancy with a gold colour motif. I felt

a bit nervous but touched Mikaela’s ring on my neck to

comfort me. The ring was so attractive on my fair skin

and highlighted by my red shirt, I was so proud to wear

it. I missed her so much and if she could see me now,

she would be very proud of my new life and what I had

achieved.


My boss arrived and gave me a wink and smile. We

waited for the client and my boss ordered me an iced

tea and a cold beer for him. My boss started reading

some documents from his briefcase. I kept on glancing

at the door trying to see if a person is coming towards

our table. The second time I looked, I saw Mikaela! It

was unexpected and I froze. Our eyes met and hers

looked to my boss who was seated next to me. I could

read her face - she was angry but I managed to smile

at her only she didn’t smile back. She was with her

mother and another woman younger than her mum.

When they were seated far from us, a distinguished look-

ing man followed by two armed men, approached us.

The armed men seated themselves at a different table

while the other was the boss’ client who was introduced

to me and we shook hands. He was a mayor of a devel-

oping municipality from what I heard. They ordered and

we had our sumptuous dinner. I couldn’t enjoy my meal

as I sensed the intensity of Mikaela’s presence. So much

food but we only managed to eat a quarter.

Over the bottles of beer on our table my boss and the

mayor talked offi cially and I needed to write everything

on my steno pad. I felt self-conscious as the mayor

looked at me all the time he was talking. From what

I gathered from their conversation, my boss would

defend the mayor for having sex with a minor. And

the way he looked at me made me scared. As I was

Lourdes Abrenica 59

keeping up with my shorthand, I couldn’t turn my eyes

to Mikaela’s table. I was too engrossed and I didn’t want

to miss anything until fi nally the mayor said he had

another appointment.

We all stood and shook hands and said our goodbyes.

The boss thanked me for the night and paid the bill. He

asked me if I would like to take home some of the food

but my pride made me decline though I really would have

liked to. I also said no to his offer to drive me home as

I told him it was close and the walk would help me digest

the big dinner. He and I walked out of the restaurant and

before my boss said his goodbye he handed me a 50

peso note to treat myself to the cinema this weekend.

I didn’t want to accept but my boss said it was my over-

time pay as it would not be on my pay. I thanked him

for his generosity and started walking towards the plaza.

I was only about a hundred metres away from the res-

taurant when Mikaela appeared beside me. We sat on

an empty bench in the plaza facing the entrance of the

restaurant. Neither one of us spoke for a while until

Mikaela saw her mum and the woman walking out of

the restaurant and heading towards us. Mikaela hur-

riedly told me to meet her on this spot tomorrow early

at 6am. I nodded and added, “I MISS YOU!” And that

was the time she looked at me with tenderness.

Her mum shouted her name when they were about

10 metres away. Mikaela and I stood to greet them.


Mikaela introduced me as her classmate from grade

school to high school. Her mum eyed me and kissed

me on my cheek and said, “Mikaela darling, I’m sorry

to cut your catching up short but we really need to go

as papa is very sick and we need to be with him all

the time. Nice meeting you Alexandra.” And they were

gone. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was so excited to see

Mikaela again.

On Saturday the next day, I woke up and decided to

walk early to breathe fresh air on my walk to our meet-

ing place. It was about a twenty-fi ve minute walk from

my place to the plaza. I was wearing very old shorts

and a white t-shirt. It was going to be a hot day so I just

wore rubber slippers. With my black shoulder bag for

my wallet and keys I made my way to the plaza. It was

still early but street vendors were already lining up the

street sides. Not much traffi c too as it was the weekend.

The air was still fresh and I felt light and happy as

I waited for her on the bench we were sitting on last

night. She came from my behind so I didn’t see her

arrive. She kissed the back of my neck to make her

presence known. We didn’t hug but she took my hand

and hailed a tricycle. We got off on a quiet street and

she checked us into a hotel, different from our last one.

She also ordered breakfast to be delivered in our room.

We ate our pancakes and hot chocolate drinks. We

talked about what happened to us since the last time

Lourdes Abrenica 61

we saw each other. Mikaela was sad when she told me

about her father. I held her hands while she talked try-

ing to share her sadness. She was closer to her father

than her mother. Her parents were both very rich. Her

dad was the owner of a lot of land in our hometown

producing rice and coconuts. He owned a lot of cattle

too. Her mum had fi fty percent Spanish blood in her.

She was very beautiful and very white skinned while

her dad was the typical tanned and short Filipino man.

That’s why Mikaela was so beautiful, she got her face

and height from her mom and her skin colour was the

perfect tan. Mikaela told me that her dad might die at

anytime so she wanted to spend more time with him

but she would come and visit me on the weekends she

promised. It was hard for us to meet and be discreet in

our hometown so it was better for us to meet here.

We showered and made love with hunger. We missed

each other terribly that we didn’t want to waste any

moment we had together. We were locked in each oth-

er’s arms the whole day until it was the time for us

to part ways again. She needed to catch the evening

train back to our hometown. I walked with her to the

train station and we waited together. Mikaela said to

me not to go home to visit my grandma as she would

come to me all the weekends of May before she started

school in June. I was happy with our arrangements.

She asked me for my new address and the offi ce where

I worked. She also reminded me to be careful with men


especially from the client, the mayor. She was disgusted

by the way he kept looking at me. She even told me

not to wear low neckline shirts as it made men look.

Mikaela gave me a 100 peso note. She said I was los-

ing weight, I needed to eat more. We sat not holding

as some people from our town were also catching the

train. When the train arrived she just gave me a quick

hug and boarded the train. Our eyes were locked until

she was out of my sight.

I was happy though very tired. I went grocery shopping

for food and fruit before fi nally going back to my board-

ing house. I spent my last 30 pesos and kept Mikaela’s

100 and the 50 pesos my boss gave me.

2013. Thanks to modern technology I am able to buy

a small house and lot in the town where I worked and

studied. I read online that it is now a small city with

universities and shopping malls and even a domestic

airport too. The house is a single level 3 bedroom

house in a secured subdivision. I told my husband any-

time he wants to join me he is welcome but in my

mind I’m hoping he doesn’t. The computer helped me

a lot in getting information without the need to con-

tact people I knew before. Our hometown is already

reachable by car - it’s an hour drive from the house

I bought. What I will do when I’m there is to start

drawing again and be close to Mikaela’s memory, our

memories.

Lourdes Abrenica 63

The truth is I am full of anxiety. I do not want the town

too remember us. The scandal I created many years

ago was enough for me not to set foot there again. But

there is nothing in this world that I would like to do

except to be there and be with her to my last breath.

I need to do this; I owe it to her and to myself.

1981. May. I was into my second week of work and it

was going well. That week I would receive my fi rst fort-

nightly pay. I was very excited and planned to shop for

more clothes. Grooming was essential and what I had

were presentable but not enough. I needed a new pair

of shoes maybe with heels I thought and a new shoul-

der bag. I was working enthusiastically especially after

my weekend with Mikaela and the thought of spending

more weekends with her. Before I left for work Friday,

I received a phone call from Mikaela. I could tell by her

voice that she was sad. She told me that she couldn’t

see me that weekend because her father’s condition

was worsening. I told her not to mind about me and to

be with her father. I received my pay and boss wished

me a nice weekend.

On Saturday, I spent the whole day shopping. I didn’t

buy high heeled shoes but just an inch high, high heels

would slow me down. I also bought a new pair of

straight cut jeans, not too cheap but the material was

soft unlike the cheap jeans which are rough on the skin.

Since I had four earth-toned skirts already, I did not


buy anymore. I completed my shopping with two new

blouses, black and royal blue. I also changed the yarn

of my necklace to a black leather string and put it back

on my neck but this time shorter, half an inch from the

base of my neck. There would be less attention now on

my cleavage. Sunday morning I telephoned my aunt to

let grandma know I was fi ne but had no time to visit as

I was still learning my new job. I lied.

The next week at work was already easy for me. I orga-

nized everything in such a way that will make me work

effi ciently. I wanted to impress the boss so he could

see his choosing me over an experienced secretary was

good. We had another dinner in the middle of the week

with a different client and this time it was a woman. My

boss brought his wife as well and it was the night I was

introduced to the wife. His wife was a nurse and a very

busy one. I was wearing my new black blouse and a

white straight cut skirt. The skirt was my shortest and

it emphasized my long nicely shaped legs. The boss’

wife was average looking but very sweet and friendly.

The client on the other hand was so attractive. She

was taller than me because of her high heels. She wore

black tight jeans and a black tube top with a white blazer

over it. She was fashionable and smelled of expensive

perfume. Her fi ngernails were long and red. The cli-

ent didn’t eat but smoked throughout the night. The

talk was long and my fi ngers were tired from the long

shorthand I did.

Lourdes Abrenica 65

When it was all over, the wife insisted that they should

drive me home as it was almost midnight and not safe

for young girls like me to walk alone. I liked the wife,

she was warm and genuinely sweet to me, and I was

touched by her concern. The boss was so loving to his

wife, you could sense that they were happy together.

I thanked them for the lift and the dinner.

When in bed I couldn’t sleep so I drew the base of my

neck with Mikaela’s ring as my necklace. The ring on

my neck inspired me to draw more and it was almost

morning when I fi nished all the pages. I was happy with

the results. I drew objects that had connections with

us and coloured them beautifully to make them vivid.

Finally our book was done and I couldn’t wait to show

it to my Mikaela, she would treasure it. I never gave her

anything tangible except for my love and commitment

to her and this work of mine would be the symbol of

my love for her, my sweat, my time my talent that she

treasured too.

Friday of that week, I received a phone call fi ve minutes

before my work was to start. It was Mikaela, her voice

was heavy.

“Hi, my father died last night. It was quick and he

didn’t suffer at all. He died while I was at his side nap-

ping. I don’t have any more tears left, I cried them all.

Funeral will be next Saturday. Hope you can come and

be with me.”


I comforted her and told her that my thoughts were

with her. I assured her I would be there for the funeral.

I felt so helpless when I hung up. I wanted to rush to her

side to share her grief but that was out of the question.

Discretion played a very important role in our relation-

ship, that’s the reason why it lasted. My boss noticed

my sadness and asked me about it so I lied and told

him that my uncle died. He said if there was a need for

me to take leave it was fi ne with him. I said there was

no need because I would just go home Friday night to

attend Saturday’s funeral.

That weekend I stayed at the boarding house. While on

my bed, I thought of our relationship. Would it workout

as Mikaela planned? I was not thinking of what people

might say but our family. Would they accept it resignedly

or create a huge drama by means of cursing and dis-

owning us? My grandma was very religious. She never

missed a day without attending the mass and accepting

Holy Communion. What would she do when she found

out? What about Mikaela’s mother? Was it important to

Mikaela to win her approval? What was important to

me was Mikaela and I didn’t care if my grandma would

throw me away. I could manage now and in October it

would be my 18th birthday and I would offi cially be an

adult. It was Mikaela I was concerned about if she was

willing to give up everything for me, for our love. Those

thoughts and questions were on my mind until fi nally

sleep came.

Lourdes Abrenica 67

Back at work, I kept myself very busy. I cleaned the

boss’ offi ce when he went out. I didn’t notice the pass-

ing of days. On Thursday, our client the mayor dropped

by to talk to the boss. He handed me a big bouquet of

different coloured daisies. I thanked him and led him to

the boss’ offi ce and put the fl owers in a vase to brighten

our waiting room. His two body guards seated them-

selves. They were trying to talk to me and be fl irtatious

but I didn’t pay any notice. I just nodded or shook my

head to answer their trivial questions and continued to

do my offi ce work. I gave a sigh of relief when they

were gone.

Friday came. I packed my things into my old messenger

bag and carried it with me to the offi ce as I would go

straight to the train station after work. I fi nished all my

work before 4pm and the boss came out of the offi ce to

hand me my pay in an envelope and also took another

50 peso note from his wallet to buy fl owers or candles

for my uncle. I felt so lucky having a boss like him. I had

no time to change so after locking the offi ce, I went to

the store to buy one expensive scented candle. Then

I hailed a tricycle to take me to the station. My bag was

heavy because of the drawing book I always carried

wherever I went.

At the station, I saw some familiar faces. I smiled at

them but seated myself in the middle of unknown peo-

ple. I would rather sit with strangers than with gossips


with their endless questions. I was thinking that when

I come back the next week I will open a savings account

and start saving for our future. I paid advance rent

already last pay so I had all the money now for myself.

I would not shop anymore; I had enough for my work.

The thought of opening a bank account made me more

hopeful of the bright future ahead.

My grandma was getting ready to pray when I arrived.

Her face lit up with pride when she saw me still dressed

up from work. I gave her two apples and two oranges

I bought at the station. These fruits we only ate at

Christmas and New Year. We talked for a while and

she told me before retiring for bed, “It’s good you are

here. You can attend Don Sebastian’s funeral instead

of me. There will be a delivery of coconuts and coal

tomorrow so I can personally receive it. There will be

a mass at 8:00 am and the funeral after. Everyone is

also invited for lunch at their house. Have you eaten?”

I replied I had bread on the train and was still full so

I said my goodnight and retired to my room.

Grandma was not aware that I was really there for the

funeral. I missed my room. I had sweet memories of us

there that I will never forget. I slept with the excitement

of seeing my Mikaela the next day.

The day of Mikaela’s father’s funeral was a typical hot

day, although summer was almost over. Two more

days and it would be June, start of the rainy season.

Lourdes Abrenica 69

Grandma left me two big loaves of bread and peanut

butter on the table. I ate, brushed my teeth and took

a bath. I left early about 6:30. I wanted to visit my

father’s church murals before the people arrived. The

early morning mass ended forty-fi ve minutes ago so the

church was almost empty except for three old ladies

saying the novena. I looked at my father’s painting and

talked to him in silence. I never prayed but talked with

my dad. I placed the candle on a table near the altar

and sat quietly on the last bench at the back.

At 7:00 am people started to arrive. Some saw me and

waved and I smiled, some didn’t notice me. At 7:30 a

good-looking man sat beside me and I remembered him

as Roy my classmate who gave me fl owers at gradua-

tion. We exchanged greetings and talked quietly about

what we were doing. This coming school year he would

be in third year in a university studying for his Bachelor

of Engineering. I felt comfortable with him beside me

as everyone else were either ignoring or didn’t know

me at all. Our chat was interrupted by the church choir

as they started singing the funeral hymn. We turned

around and at the main entrance was the wake and all

of Mikaela’s family relations. They were preparing to

march down the aisle towards the altar.

The coffi n was huge and bronzed. It was wheeled and

guided by men in uniformed clothes. Next was Mikaela

and beside her was her mum, her head was fully covered


with a long black veil. I knew that Mikaela saw me

behind her dark glasses as her head was turned in my

direction. It was interesting to note that we were almost

wearing the same things. I was wearing a plain white

slim-fi t t-shirt and my straight cut new jeans while hers

was the same cut jeans paired with a black plain slim-fi t

t-shirt. Neither of us ever cared about fashion and most

of the youths who attended the funeral wore very loose

shirts with shoulder pads and tight pants. Their hair

was either massive or high above their forehead. Mine

was tied fl atly on my back while Mikaela’s was the short

barbers cut. My different appearance made men look at

me and the women looked at me with disgust.

It was a very long mass, so many people attended. Close

friends and family were given time to talk about the dead

man. When it was the wife’s turn to speak she broke

down sobbing and was led back to the chair. Mikaela

spoke in front of all. “My mum and I would like to extend

our sincerest appreciation to all the people who came

to share our grief. My dad left a great legacy of good-

ness which will be affi rmed by the people he helped. He

was the kind of person who would not hesitate to help.

Anytime and anywhere if you approached him he would

accommodate you. His goodwill I will carry with me too

and I’m hoping that I can continue to do what he loved

to do and that is helping others. I will miss him terribly

but his suffering is over now and you may now rest in

peace papa. With this music I am letting you go.”

Lourdes Abrenica 71

Then she sat on the piano chair and played, Bridge

Over Troubled Water. I didn’t know that she played

the piano and it was excellent not missing a note. She

played it masterfully. The mass ended after the priest

sprayed the coffi n and Mikaela’s family with Holy Water.

It was a very long procession from the church to the

cemetery. Everyone was using umbrellas to hide from

the extreme heat. I didn’t have any but glad that Roy

had one and shared it with me. At the private cemetery

there was a newly built massive mausoleum for Mikae-

la’s dad. There were plenty of people but only the fam-

ily and the priest could go inside so the rest of us were

outside under the heat of the midday sun. I didn’t wait

long as the heat was too much for me as I was getting

used to air-conditioning in our offi ce.

I excused myself from Roy and silently vanished among

the trees leading to the public cemetery. I went to my

dad’s grave and found it surrounded with high grass.

I pulled out the grass with my bare hands to make the

niche visible. I sat myself under the shade of a short

palm tree still close to my father’s niche. I offered him

a silent prayer, I never prayed to God but to my father.

I never knew him, he died when I was young and I hope

he is proud of me now that I was able to survive the

hardship of being an orphan. I didn’t have an easy life

but the struggles made me strong and I rose against

all odds.


I had nothing to do for the rest of the day and decided

to stay longer as it was not often that I had the chance

to visit my father.

1981 June. The fi rst time I arrived in Manila I was

welcomed with disappointment especially with my con-

dition at that time. I was full of sorrow and grief that

the massiveness of the place made me feel lost and

unfocused. I had no plan but to stay away from our

hometown. With all my belongings inside Mikaela’s

big backpack, I was hit with the realization that I had

nowhere to go after almost ten hours on the bus. The

heaviness of the bag agitated the pain on the wounds

still fresh on my back. The pain I could endure but the

thought of not seeing Mikaela again was worse and it

will last my lifetime and my death will be the only cure.

I started to walk around the residential area near the

bus terminal and started looking for bed spaces. There

were plenty of boarding houses, apartments and bed

spaces. I made inquiries and settled for the cheapest

one. It was only a very small room with just the bed

and an extra half metre space for moving. I paid the

month’s rent and locked myself inside.

I rolled out Mikaela’s mattress and lay down on my front

as my back pain was killing me. I stayed there most

of the day without food but only the bottle of water

I had with me from the bus ride. When night came,

I started to make plans as I didn’t have much money to

Lourdes Abrenica 73

keep me going after paying the rent. The rent in Manila

was twice the amount of the rent I paid in my previous

boarding house. I placed all my clothes on the walled

side of the bed as there was no cupboard. The shoes

went under the bed and I left some stuff in the back-

pack and placed it under the bed too.

With my pen and blank papers I started writing appli-

cation letters. I didn’t include my experience as I didn’t

have any reference for it. I wrote that I was a fresh grad-

uate but with an excellent record at school. I remember

passing a mini grocery store on my way to this building

so I decided to go out and check the facilities of the

boarding house and the grocery for some supplies and

a newspaper to look for work.

My new boarding house was an old building but freshly

painted. It was occupied mostly by students and was full

because of the start of classes the next week. There were

plenty of toilets and bathrooms but the common kitchen

was small. I bought a newspaper and bread. I went back

to my own room. I took my water bottle for a refi ll and

my toiletries to bathe myself and get ready for the bed.

I welcomed the pain that night as I couldn’t sleep.

I would have liked to cry but no tears came out. My

life had taken a very abrupt turn, from being organized

and working then back to darkness, from being in love

and full of inspiration to a life of emptiness and sorrow.

My life was like a long tunnel enveloped with darkness


and the only light that guided me was from the small

hole, so small it was not enough for me to see the end

of it. I refl ected that night on my spiritual being, maybe

because I never prayed that was the reason why I was

so unfortunate. Those who went to church everyday

seemed so happy and contented I observed, so maybe

I was wicked after all and grandma and Mikaela’s mum

were right about me that I was evil. I slept with the con-

clusion that I deserved to suffer because I was evil.

The next day I started early looking for jobs. I dressed

presentably and with all my papers looked for the

addresses I circled on the classifi ed ads. At that time

I was existing not living, that’s how I felt. If somebody

tried to kill me I would say thank you very much! If

I found a job, that would be ok but if not I would lock

myself in my room without eating as I had no money

and I would wait to die.

I found out that secretaries were in demand during

those times and after handing out eight applications

I found a job. What an irony I thought. It was a big com-

pany that hired me and I was the last addition to the

four experienced secretaries. As the youngest and new-

est addition I had to do all the fi ling and typing which

I was happy to take, they could have put me in the

stock room for all I cared. The other four were better

dressed and with perfectly made faces. I worked uncar-

ing about my look, as long as I smelled nice that was all

Lourdes Abrenica 75

that mattered to me. I was the tallest one though and

had the best shaped body. Two were petites and two

were voluptuous and very beautiful and sexy with their

dark red lips and manicured nails whereas I hated long

nails. I always cut my nails short, long nails I thought

were unhygienic.

I worked liked a maniac. I didn’t want to have spare

time to think. I needed to keep my mind and body busy

so when I was alone in my room I just slept tiredly. My

pay was higher than my fi rst job and I was living in a

students’ boarding house so that was cheap. Funny part

of it, my savings started to increase every payday that

I was forced to open a bank account to safely keep the

money. I also indulged myself with more clothes, bags

and shoes so I could do the washing on the weekends

only. Saturdays were for my washing, ironing and clean-

ing my tiny space which I was contented with already

that I never looked for another. Sundays were for mov-

ies and books. I started to love reading. I read every-

thing from porn to classics and everything even the

ingredients of the food and the boxes of the medicine.

I survived 1981 and 1982 went like a fl ash. I never heard

anything from my hometown and I was not interested

anyway. I had one persistent suitor, an average looking

guy but very intelligent. He gave up on me after a year

of invitations which I kept on declining. I never allowed

myself to get close to my workmates either. I only talked

work with them, nothing else even weather talk.


It was at our Christmas party in 1982 that I met Andrew.

It was a big party sponsored by three law fi rms and

attended by all the employees and clients. I was forced

to attend as the bonus would be handed out after the

party. One of the law fi rms handled the Australian com-

pany where Andrew was working.

I dressed that night like it was an ordinary day at work

although we needed to wear something greenish.

I wore an emerald silk blouse and black slacks. The

neckline was a bit low but not low enough to show

my cleavage. Mikaela’s ring was on a gold chain that

I bought. It was very expensive. The chain was 1.5mm

thick. I wanted it that thick to make it more secure and

strong. It was the fi rst expensive item I bought. The

ring, as I promised before, would never leave my neck

- only when I had to change the yarn and now it was

fastened securely on the base of my neck with a gold

chain. Since working in Manila I never used lipstick.

My lips were light pink naturally.

The other four secretaries told me that I was playing

hard to get. I was used to them giving me insulting

remarks. There’s no such thing as hard or easy to get, it

depends on the catch really, that’s what I think. Andrew

didn’t fi nd it hard to court me. My mind was set on him

as my passport to leave the Philippines and all its bad

memories and the good ones although a few will be

with me anywhere I go.

Lourdes Abrenica 77

We were married privately with only thirty guests com-

posed of bosses and co workers. He has a younger

brother who came from Australia to be his best man.

His father had died two years before and his mom was

in a nursing home, too old to travel and demented. We

were married in front of a mayor in December 1983.

Sex was good and quick but no cuddling and talking

after. We lived in a townhouse in Makati, the business

area of the Philippines where he worked. I continued

working and after work Andrew would pick me up and

we would dine out. Weekends had to be with Andrew’s

group of Aussie friends, husbands on sports while wives

shopped, lunched and made themselves beautiful. After

a week of joining the wives, I decided to get headaches

every weekend. I didn’t agree on a maid. I couldn’t

afford to have idle time so after work I made the house

spotless and sparkly.

January of 1986, I gave birth to my sweet and lovely

Georgina, named after his grandma. I stopped work

and enjoyed motherhood. March of 1990, we left the

Philippines for France. Andrew was to co-manage their

new offi ce there. We all stayed there till 1995 after

I gave birth to my son, George. I loved France with all

its grandeur and arts. But my favourite was Versailles as

I was so interested in the life of Marie Antoinette.

Then in 1995 to 2000 we were living in China. I never

liked China because I found it hard to learn the language


so I needed a housemaid to help me do the shopping

and minding the huge house. The food of course is

closer to home. Before 2000 ended, Andrew received

a notice from his boss telling him that he would be

sent to Japan early the next year to spearhead a new

branch there.

So from 2000 to 2002 we were all speaking Japanese

as well. It was there that my husband complained of

being overworked and over-travelled. He also consid-

ered the kids who were growing up without any sense of

permanency but they were intelligent kids and adapted

well especially with the languages. Personally, I really

didn’t mind at all as long as I was with my kids any-

where would do.

Then in 2003-2005 were all back in Manila and it was

there that my husband made a request of a permanent

transfer to Australia which was granted mid 2005.

My husband arranged everything before we moved.

When we arrived in the land Downunder we already

had our three bedroom modern designed new house in

the northern beaches, ready for occupancy. I liked the

place the fi rst time I saw it. It was peaceful and people

were very polite and friendly.

Now it’s April of 2013. Unknown to Andrew, I already

booked a fl ight at the end of this month. I’m just wait-

ing for the proper time to tell him. A week before

I leave, I will tell Andrew that I am attending our grand

Lourdes Abrenica 79

reunion in my hometown and I will be fl ying at the end

of this month.

I found the perfect time. He was surprised. He said

that he thought that I was not the kind of person who

attended such things.

“When will you be back?” he asked. I told him I had

a return ticket for July. Another surprise for him. He

blurted out, “It’s too long! What about us here? Why till

July when you can come back right after the reunion

and where will you stay?” I answered back, “My best

friend’s birthday is on June 30 and I want to be there

too.”

Andrew looked at me in disbelief. “Best friend? You

have one? You never told me about a friend.” I simply

couldn’t fi nd the words to answer all his questions so

I just listened to him and ended our talk with, “I’m all

set to go so if you want to follow me anytime you are

welcome but I’m defi nitely going on the 30th.

My husband and my kids drove me to the airport on the

30 of April. My son kept on whining and complaining all

the way from our house to the airport. I arranged every-

thing for them before so I knew that everything will be

taken care of. Twice a week a housekeeper will clean

and do the laundry, ironing and folding of clothes. The

grocery will be delivered on the day the housekeeper

comes. Their food they can prepare for themselves as


we always dine out anyway. I assured my son he could

follow me and he said, “I will when I have nothing to

wear anymore!” He is funny! Such a spoiled brat and

will always be the baby in the family while my Georgina

said that he needs to grow up and be responsible and it’s

time for me to catch up with my relatives. We said our

goodbyes, hugs and kisses and I noticed that Andrew

was calm about all this.

The fl ight back to the Philippines was smooth and I was

greeted by the summer heat when I stepped out of the

plane. I was glad that instead of the 10 hours drive to

my new house, it took me only 1 hour on my connect-

ing fl ight. I hailed a taxi from the domestic terminal

to the address of my newly bought house. Thanks to

my very effi cient agent the house was already furnished

with what I like. All the furniture was made from solid

wood. I was happy with the place.

It was nearly lunch time by the time I fi nished unpack-

ing and taking a shower. I called the taxi company to

take me to the nearest car dealership. I bought a four

wheel drive , 5 seater Toyota. I do not like the colour

but I couldn’t go for a week without a car so I bought

the black one instead of the silvery gray that I prefer.

After signing the papers and paying I had my new car

ready to give me freedom. I felt so young and care-

free that day, it was strange that I didn’t feel tired at

all. I drove with ease although I was used to the right

Lourdes Abrenica 81

hand drive. The heavy traffi c inside the town centre

gave me the opportunity to look around. I remember

my college, now the buildings are old. My two boarding

houses have now been replaced by concrete structures.

My work is no longer there but a high rise building with

commercial spaces. I bought some groceries and drove

back to my own home.

I can’t explain what I am feeling. I sense a different me.

I feel happy and at home, it’s like there is a pasted smile

on my face. I don’t feel 50 but 17 again. The excitement

of waiting for the time to see Mikaela, that is how I feel

now. I can’t wait anymore, now that I’m back I would

like to be close to her.

I spent the rest of my day relaxing and trying to orga-

nize what I will do the next day.

Alone on my bed, the memory that was buried deeply

in the farthest part of my memory made its presence

known. I am trying to avoid thinking of it but being

back here triggers it. The more I force myself not to

remember it, the faster it comes back like a ghost. It’s

too painful and heartbreaking.

1981. When I felt my hunger, I decided to leave the

cemetery. By this time, Mikaela’s father’s funeral must

have been over, but I took the road out of the public

cemetery nevertheless. I was afraid that Mikaela and

her family were still at the mausoleum. When I reached


the main road, there was a private jeep blocking the

way and in the driver’s seat was Mikaela. I had no idea

how long she was waiting there but when our eyes met

she told me to get in. I sat beside her and held her free

hand and said my condolences. She didn’t answer but

started the car and drove towards the direction of their

house.

It was my fi rst time being in their house. It was big-

ger when you got closer. They used their front lawn

to hold the lunch for the public. So many people were

enjoying the free food and drink. Mikaela parked the

jeep and I followed her to a group whom I recognized

were our classmates back in high school and elemen-

tary. Because I was with Mikaela they were friendly

to me. Some of the girls were pregnant and only a

few managed to attend college like me and Roy. Roy

waved at me but didn’t come close as he was talking

to his old friends. Mikaela left me with the group and

I stood awkwardly with them. When she came back

she was holding a plate full of food and handed it to

me. I seated myself with a group who were eating ice

creams. Mikaela asked me in a loud voice so every-

one could hear what I was doing after our high school

graduation. I answered back just as loud for everyone’s

ears that I did a secretarial course and after comple-

tion I managed to land a job that kept me busy all the

time. Everyone seemed curious but I thought they knew

already from grandma’s customers which became the

Lourdes Abrenica 83

town gossip. I smiled at them and said that I was really

hungry. I was conscious when I ate as Mikaela’s gazed

was fi xed on me. I wondered what happened to being

discreet when she didn’t take her eyes off me.

I managed to eat a little then Mikaela sat beside me

and I asked her quietly how she was. She looked else-

where and I managed to fi nish my food with her facing

the crowd. Some people started to say their goodbyes

and I watched them disappear until only a few oldies

remained but they were not interested in us so we had

our privacy.

Mikaela said, “Can you stay the night here with me?”

I answered, “You know that I would like that but do you

think it’s fi ne?”

Mikaela said that everyone in her family were grieving

so nobody would notice us. “Please Alexa, I miss you

so much and you are the only person I would like to be

with tonight.”

I couldn’t bear the sadness in her voice so I said I would

stay as long as we would spend the night at exactly

where we were seated. When the last person was gone,

she went inside their house and came back with a bottle

of wine. She poured two glasses and we drank silently.

It was so bitter the wine but after a glass it tasted like

water to me and I started to feel lightheaded. We fi n-

ished the bottle but most of it was consumed by her.


It was dark inside the covered area but the sky was

bright with stars. Mikaela took my hand and led me to

the back entrance of their house. There was but one

servant feeding the cats who saw us but Mikaela hushed

her. She led me to her bedroom. She didn’t turn on the

light but the big glass windows were open and the lights

from the stars brightened the room. Once inside she

started to kiss me hungrily and I responded the same

way. We were apart for such a long time that we missed

each other’s touch. We started to undress each other

while kissing. We were in our bras and pants when the

door slammed open! It was her mum! Mikaela didn’t

seem bothered but her mum rushed close to us and

pushed Mikaela away from me. Then she screamed a

series of curses to me and slapped me hard on each of

my cheeks.

Relatives and servants were at the door upon hearing

the screams. I was about to be slapped for the third

time when Mikaela embraced me and shouted at her

mother to stop hurting me. Mikaela helped me to dress

and her mum faced the servants and ordered them to

get my grandma and the priest. She shouted at us to

wait in the living room. My hair was all over my face

which covered my hot stingy cheeks.

After a few minutes, I heard the arrival of the jeep

and grandma and the priest were there and her mum

started screaming again and pointing at my grandma

Lourdes Abrenica 85

throwing insults as to how she raised a motherless crea-

ture like me. I heard all the kinds of demeaning words

from her while my grandma just stood there swallowing

everything without any defense. I was a demon’s child

and poor Mikaela was dragged into my evilness she

said. Mikaela was defending me matching her moth-

er’s screaming voice. Then when she was fi nished with

my grandma, she turned to the priest and asked the

priest to spray us with Holy Water. The priest obliged

but sprayed more at Mikaela. Her mother also told the

priest that all the masses for the whole month will be

paid by her to ask forgiveness for Mikaela’s sin. My

grandma excused us and assured Mikaela’s mother that

I would be punished accordingly and she will see to

it tonight. My grandma grabbed my arm tightly then

walked out of their house while Mikaela tried to follow

but two of their male servants held each of her arms to

prevent her from following us.

It was almost ten at night and yet people were out of

their houses gossiping of course, courtesy of the ser-

vants! We walked with my arm still held by grandma.

I was not crying and I even held my head high when

we passed those people who were happy to witness my

shame but I felt no shame at all.

Inside my grandma’s house at the top of the main door

was a dried stingray tail. It was there to ward off evil.

Once inside she took it from where it hung and told me


to lie on my front on the long wooden chair. She held

the tail getting ready to whip me. In a calm voice she

told me to say aloud the Lord of Pardon. So I started

saying, PARDON ME - OH MY GOD….whack! The

fi rst whip tore my back shirts open. Grandma told me

to continue. PARDON ME MY OFFENSES…whack!

I couldn’t breathe anymore, the pain was too much!

I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t say the last line. Grandma

reminded me to say the last line or I would receive thir-

teen whips. Almost a whisper…OH LORD GRANT

ME….with all her might she delivered her last blow,

then total darkness.

My back was bleeding from the deep cuts of the whip.

When I regained consciousness, my aunt was there put-

ting some disinfectant on my wounds. I forced myself to

stand and went to my room. I didn’t have the strength

to change my clothes. My white shirt was torn at the

back with blood. I lay down with my back exposed to

the wind coming from my open window. It was a beau-

tiful night but ended in so much pain. With my face on

my pillow I looked at the stars until sleep came.

I woke up in the middle of the night sensing something

and it was Mikaela sitting on the fl oor and her face was

level to mine. She started stroking my face and gave

me the saddest smile. Her tears were fl owing freely on

her cheeks and then she whispered to me, “Go back

to sleep so you will not feel the pain. I will be with you

from this moment till beyond. I love you very much.”

Lourdes Abrenica 87

I felt comforted and knowing she was there beside me,

I slept.

I woke up the next day still in great pain and I was so

thirsty. I tried to get up but I was still weak so I decided

to stay on the bed. Grandma brought me dinner that

night but didn’t touch it.

The following day I woke up early without caring and

without a sense of time or day but deep inside I knew

that I should be back to work that day. I forced myself

to stand, took a bath enduring the sting as the water

and soap touched my still fresh wounds. I didn’t eat but

drank lots of water. I sat on my bed after dressing. I had

never felt so hopeless in my life. I wanted to get out of

the house but it was broad daylight and I didn’t want to

rekindle the people’s gossip. I went back to lie down but

sideways this time still looking out the window.

I looked out at the clear blue sky and thought of her.

What would happen to us after all this? I was in despair

and misery and my emotional pain was more painful

than the physical pain I was in. Strangely enough I was

not crying. My reverie was disturbed by the knocking

on our front door. I didn’t want to go down so I let the

persistent knocking continue.

“It’s me Roy!” He shouted. I shouted back at him to go

away and leave me alone. He followed where my voice

came from and he went to the side of the house where


my window was and called me once more. I looked

down at him and in a whisper told him, “Please go and

leave me alone…” I saw the pity and sadness in Roy’s

face. He said, “I am very sorry to tell you that Mikaela

is dead. They found her body fl oating at the edge of the

river further north. I am really sorry….”

I didn’t listen to the rest of his story as my legs gave way

and I was on the fl oor with the thought that Mikaela

is dead. Tears started to fl ow and I could no longer

keep the pain of it all so I cried and screamed loudly.

The tears which were not fl owing when I was whipped

now fl owed abundantly. My thoughts wandered to the

night I was punished. She was here with me and she

promised that she would be with me forever. Roy was

still down there and when I stopped my loud sobbing

I heard him ask me if I was alright and when he heard

nothing from me he left.

Out of tiredness I slept, still on the fl oor of my bedroom

and it was my grandma who woke me up to climb into

the bed and get ready for dinner. Before she left my

room she said, “Your friend was missing after the night

of your incident and this morning the servants found

her body and she is dead.”

I didn’t join my grandma for dinner and she was nice

when she left me alone to grieve. Before midnight,

I packed up my bag with my personal belongings and the

book that should have been given to Mikaela. I put on my

Lourdes Abrenica 89

canvas shoes, jeans and plain black t-shirt. I tied my hair

back without bothering to comb. I walked quietly from

the back door then vanished into the trees and found my

way to the edge of the river where my happiness began.

I sat on our favourite rock and started crying again and

softly said, “Where are you? I’m here, throw stones at

me if you must…let your presence be known. If I close

my eyes, will you be here beside me? Please…please

sit here beside me….I’m here and you’re late…I’m here

for you and you should be here for me…..remember?

Eternally……………….”

There was the sound of the crickets and the wind softly

blowing but no Mikaela. I sat there until before sunlight.

I took the book from my bag and with my bare hands

and a twig dug a hole near the guava tree she used to

climb. I dug and dug while my tears continue to fl ow.

I stopped when I noticed that pit was big enough to

bury myself. I hugged the book so tightly and gave it

a kiss. I buried the book without putting it in a plastic

bag. I wanted it to rot and be with the earth, to be in the

place where my happiness and love began and the place

where it also ended. When the book was fully buried,

I washed my hands and face in the river and whispered

to the wind, “Goodbye Mikaela, I love you…………..”

I walked away, away from it all. I never even looked back.

I walked to the next town where I planned to catch the

early morning train. I went back to my boarding house and


packed everything in Mikaela’s backpack. I stayed there

till night time then boarded the bus bound for Manila.

Mikaela told me that Manila was so big and the idea of

being anonymous would be easy. I didn’t see my boss to

say goodbye. I was not fair to him after giving me job and

being nice to me. I couldn’t face anybody at that moment.

He might have heard the news about us anyway. Mikae-

la’s family was prominent and news travelled fast in small

towns and its surroundings. I didn’t talk to my landlady

either. I paid in advance so I’d have no guilt of running

away with debts. I left the key on the table and a note

saying my thanks. It was June of 1981 and at the end of

this month it would have been Mikaela’s 18th birthday.

I swore to myself that this tragedy would stay hidden in

my memory. I would only remember the best times.

PRESENT TIME. After remembering that painful

incident of my life, I woke up feeling tired and drained.

I took a shower, packed some food and dressed myself

in old jeans and an old t-shirt. In my shoulder bag were

my wallet, keys and sunnies.

When I started driving I felt nervous, the same feeling

I had when I used to meet Mikaela. I didn’t know my

way but after several wrong turns I asked for directions.

I was on my way to my hometown. I had to close the

windows and turn on the air-con as it was hot and dusty

even in the early morning. I’m not used to long drives so

my bottom starts to ache and the roads are not friendly.

It’s good that I bought the 4 wheel drive.

Lourdes Abrenica 91

The bumpy ride took me about an hour but I reached

my destination. It’s so different now, not yet modern

but thriving. So many big, beautiful houses with cars

parked on the roads. The roads are the same though

except that now they are concreted. I looked for a spot

to park my car and walked around. It’s summer and

young people are out on the streets, kids are running

and playing. Lucky I put on my straw hat and sunnies,

I could walk without exposing myself to the harsh sun.

I went to the road that would lead me to the public

cemetery. From the entrance up to the main area were

already full of tombs. I traced the path that goes up to my

father. I know where it is but when I reached it I couldn’t

fi nd my father’s grave. I was sure that it was on this

spot. I looked around and read the names of his dead

neighbours and they are the same except for the niche

that is supposed to be my father’s. I was enveloped with

sadness and guilt. With a heavy heart I started my way

to the forest of trees that separate the public from the

private cemetery. Now there is a fence too that encloses

the private area. The huge gate was half open and from

the entrance I could already see the mausoleum. There

are many now unlike before, only Mikaela’s father. I took

a deep breath before proceeding.

Even dead people value their vanity. It’s amazing these

rows of mausoleums! So big and grand and it’s like a

competition as to which is the highest and the most

expensive of all! Such a waste of money, I thought.


The one that I am going to seems the poorest now,

I thought. The private cemetery is well organized and

the lawn is well maintained while on the other side, you

can use any vacant space, even on footpaths you can

bury the dead and maybe after several years when it

will be too crowded you can bury in standing position.

Here it is properly aligned like an exclusive subdivision.

I don’t know what I expected to see but I kept on moving

in a slow pace until I was facing her tomb. I have been

living in denial for so long that when I saw her tomb,

the heaviness on my chest started to ease by the fl ow-

ing of my tears. She is here beside her father, my beau-

tiful Mikaela. On her tombstone her name is engraved

in gold: * MIKAELA MARIA ISOBEL * Born: June

30, 1963 Died: June 6, 1981.

The silent tears now broke into a fl ood of tears. I sat

and cried until I had no more tears to shed. I felt so

tired and old. I was thinking before I came here that

they were lying to me when they said that she is dead

so I went and we parted ways, but there was always this

tiny hope that she is alive and waiting for me. But now

in front of her tomb, my waiting was over. We can’t be

together anymore in this lifetime. I prayed to her like

I did with my dead father when I was a young girl. “Hey

beautiful, you miss me? I miss you so much! I’m back

and I will be here with you every day. I will start drawing

again. Remember the book you gave me? It’s gone but

I will start a new one. It will be our story in drawings!

Lourdes Abrenica 93

I will do it here with you close to me. Bye for now, I’ll

come back tomorrow. I love you so much!”

Before I drove back I had to go back to where it all began.

The heat was taking its toll on me, I felt dizzy and hun-

gry. There were about three wooden houses already on

the way to where the river ends and the last one was

close to where I buried Mikaela’s book. It is no longer

secluded and shaded. The huge trees with thick foliage

that almost covered some part of the rocks are no lon-

ger there. The river is now exposed to the harsh sun.

The water is shallower now with evidence of quarrying.

There were two women chatting and washing clothes

near our rock. Five children were playing and swim-

ming. The water is no longer clear but fi lled with a vari-

ety of rubbish fl oating plus the suds from the detergent.

It saddens me more to see that our once idyllic place

has ended up like this. I was hoping that another pair

of romantics like me and Mikaela would also fi nd their

happiness in this place. The place I considered sacred

is just a place to wash clothes for these people. What is

left now are the memories, wonderful memories full of

love and laughter which is mine and nobody can take

that away from me.

“I’LL SEE YOU SOON MY MIKAELA….” I whispered

to the wind……………………………..

***THE END**

Mikaela and Alexandra’s love was in the wrong place and time. Mikaela

was an only child of very rich town’s people while Alexandra grew up with

a busy grandmother as her father died and mother abandoned her.

Their story started with bullying. The rich girl was popular while the poor girl was an outcast. Growing up in a small

religious town they were classmates from elementary to secondary school. Secret meetings between the two ladies helped them grow closer. Young as they were, they both discovered the wonders of

each others presence. They fell in love and spent glorious times together.

Love gone wrong and promises ended. Was their kind of love, wrong or sinful?

What is life to Alexandra when the person who introduced her

to the word LOVE is dead.

yy

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