By ToniAnn Guadagnoli

© Copyright 2013, by ToniAnn Guadagnoli

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by TONIANN GUADAGNOLI to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

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1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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My writing dreams are coming true thanks to you, Lord. My cup overflows, and I am so very grateful for this blessing.

Cousin “Kay-ren” Carrese—Your creative ideas are inspirational. Thank you for introducing me to the world of

school plays. Without you, Aw, Shucks! would not exist.

To my sons, Nick and GianMarco, thank you for sitting through many play practices and being my own in-house critics.

A huge thanks to Paula Sahin, Amy Franklin, Jennifer Booker, Denise Gappy, Maureen Roan and all my Southern pals in

Pace, FL, who have taught this Yankee girl one thing or another about becoming “country-fried.”

ToniAnn Guadagnoli

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AW, SHUCKS!

By TONIANN GUADAGNOLI

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

CLEMENTINE.......................Maw’s middle sister; loves to 54 gossip and stir up trouble

SISSY .................................Maw’s youngest sister; tries to 36 keep the peace and give all the benefit of the doubt

MAW ..................................feisty Southern mother with 69 attitude; doesn’t take anybody’s nonsense

PAW ...................................Maw’s husband; confused old 15 war veteran

KAREN ...............................the family’s crazy cousin; 9 pronounced “Kay-ren”

ROSCOE .............................respectful cowboy who falls in 36 love with a city girl

BROOKE BENTON ................Roscoe’s fiancée from New 34 York City; refined, but not overly arrogant

BILLY BOB ..........................Roscoe’s redneck brother; 28 sweet but very simple-minded

SAVANNAH DAVIS ................enthusiastic and sweet farm gal 30

ELMER ...............................Roscoe’s horse; may be n/a played by two actors

EXTRAS ..............................as dancers and other townspeople

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SETTINGTime: Present.

Place: Out in the country, down South.

Simple props are brought onto a bare stage to create each scene. Rocking chairs form a patio setting, Maw’s dining room has a table and some chairs, hay bales create the inside of the barn and so on. Patchwork quilts may hang around the stage to provide a basic country-style backdrop for the play.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

Scene One: Clementine’s front porch, Thursday afternoon.

Scene Two: Maw’s dining room, a little later.

Scene Three: On the lawn, a few hours before Friday’s contest.

Scene Four: In the barn, Friday night into Saturday morning.

Scene Five: The barn dance, Saturday night.

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AW, SHUCKS!

Scene OneAT RISE: MAW, PAW, CLEMENTINE and SISSY sit in rocking chairs on CLEMENTINE’S porch. MAW knits, PAW sleeps with a newspaper covering his face, SISSY fans herself, and CLEMENTINE files her nails. A glass of lemonade is next to her.CLEMENTINE: So, Maw, tell me about that nephew of mine. How did

your boy Roscoe’s date go with that girl from Chippewa?SISSY: Yeah, I saw the two of them out at the country diner. She was

just as cute as a tow sack full of puppies.MAW: Puh! Cute? Maybe her face was pretty, but if her brain were

dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough of it to tip over a bottle cap. Ain’t that right, Paw? (Smacks PAW’S arm.)

PAW: (Jumps up with his fists clenched.) I’ll whoop ‘em!MAW: Oh, sit down, Paw. Don’t get your feathers all ruffled.PAW: Huh? Oh. (Sits and falls asleep again.)KAREN: (ENTERS.) Hey, y’all!SISTERS: Hey, cousin Karen (pronounced “Kay-ren”).MAW: Anyhoo, as I was sayin’, not only is she a little light in the

intelligence department, she’s also terribly clumsy. She’d get tangled up in a cordless phone.

SISSY: Maw, that’s an awful thing to say! How’d you know ’bout that, anyway?

MAW: Well, Roscoe brought her in to meet us, and she tripped up the steps into the house. Dern near broke the screen! Ain’t that right, Paw? (Smacks PAW.)

PAW: (Jumps up with his fists clenched.) I’ll whoop ‘em!MAW: Whoop ‘em? You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.PAW: Huh? Oh. (Sits and falls asleep again.)KAREN: Remember when we was all kids? We were so poor. My brother

and me, we had to ride double on our stick horse. (SISTERS look at KAREN and shake their heads.)

CLEMENTINE: So I guess we know what you think of the girl, Maw. But what does Roscoe think of her?

MAW: Oh, Roscoe doesn’t know what’s good for him. That’s why he ain’t married yet. And as a matter of fact, I’m thinkin’ of settin’ him up with a girl that I pick for him.

SISSY: And who’s that gonna be, Maw?CLEMENTINE: What about Pamela Lynn Tucker?

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MAW: You kiddin’, Clementine? The Tuckers are too poor to pay attention. I don’t need my Roscoe gettin’ mixed up with a girl who wants him just for his money.

KAREN: You know, if I were in charge, I’d only make it rain between one and four o’clock in the morning. That way, most of us wouldn’t have to worry about getting wet. Wouldn’t that be good? (SISTERS look at her, shaking their heads.)

SISSY: Hey, Maw, how ’bout Elva Lee from Cedar Plains? Her family is pretty well off.

MAW: That’s true, but that girl looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!

CLEMENTINE: Hmm, you’ve got a point, Maw. She sure is uglier than a bucket of armpits. (Laughs hysterically along with MAW.)

SISSY: You two are just terrible! I’m ashamed to call you my sisters. Ain’t that right, Paw? (Slaps PAW.)

PAW: (Jumps up with his fists clenched.) I’ll whoop ‘em!SISSY: That’s okay, Paw. Nobody wants to fight you. (Motions for him

to sit back down.)PAW: Huh? Oh, okay. (Sits.)CLEMENTINE: (Stomps her foot.) Hey, I got a great idea!PAW: (Startled by the stomping, dives to the ground and covers his

head.) Hit the deck! She’s gonna blow!CLEMENTINE: Oh, Paw. (Helps PAW back into his seat.) The only thing

that’s blowin’ ’round here is… Oh, forget it!MAW: Don’t pay him any mind, Clementine. So what’s this idea of

yours?CLEMENTINE: Well, how ’bout setting up Roscoe with Savannah?SISSY: Savannah Davis? The farmer’s daughter?CLEMENTINE: That’s the one.MAW: Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a farmer’s daughter.CLEMENTINE: Certainly not. And she’s not bad looking either.MAW: Hmmm. That’s true.CLEMENTINE: She’s not dumber than a stump.MAW: I reckon she’s not.SISSY: And I hear she makes one mean armadillo stew.MAW: Really? As good as Andi Lynne’s?SISSY: Even better.MAW: Nuh-uh.CLEMENTINE: Uh-huh. And supposedly she also has a recipe for

possum pie that’ll knock your socks off.

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MAW: Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit. I think we’ve found my boy a bride! (Slaps hands with CLEMENTINE in agreement.)

SISSY: Well, this all sounds just peachy, but did y’all ever think about checking with the groom?

CLEMENTINE: The groom? Who you talkin’ ’bout, Sissy?SISSY: I’m talkin’ ’bout Roscoe, you ninny!MAW: Oh, Sissy, don’t you worry. Roscoe will realize that he ain’t no

good at pickin’ out a girl by himself. He’ll be happy that I’m gonna get the job done for him.

SISSY: (Sarcastic.) Oh yeah, he’ll be happy all right. When pigs fly.CLEMENTINE: You’ll see, Sissy. Maw is right. Savannah Davis is as

country as cornflakes. She’ll be just perfect for Roscoe. Ain’t that right, Paw? (Smacks PAW.)

PAW: (Jumps up with his fists clenched.) I’ll whoop ya!CLEMENTINE: (Puts up her fists.) Oh yeah, old man? Whatcha gonna

do? (PAW and CLEMENTINE circle each other like they are going to brawl.)

MAW: (Stands up and whacks them both with her knitting supplies.) Oh, would you two quit dancing’?! We’ve got work to do. C’mon, Paw. We gotta get home and invite the Davises over to meet Roscoe. (EXITS and pulls PAW OFF with her. PAW sticks his tongue out at CLEMENTINE, who jumps and stomps toward him. CLEMENTINE laughs and heads back to her chair.)

KAREN: Well, bye, y’all.CLEMENTINE/SISSY: Bye, cousin Karen. (KAREN EXITS. They gently

rock and watch her go.)CLEMENTINE: Did she come for somethin’?SISSY: Who knows, sis? Who knows?ROSCOE: (ENTERS with BROOKE.) …and I know they are just going

to love you to pieces. Just wait ’til you meet my paw. (Spots CLEMENTINE and SISSY. CLEMENTINE takes a sip of her lemonade.) Oh, hey! Aunt Sissy and Aunt Clementine, I’d like to introduce you to my fiancée, Brooke Benton. (BROOKE steps forward with her hand out.)

CLEMENTINE: (Chokes on her lemonade.) Your what?BROOKE: Nice to meet you.SISSY: (Stands and shakes BROOKE’S hand.) Oh, what my sister meant

to say is, you’re wha… wonderful at surprises, nephew. Pleased to meet you, Miss Brooke. Congratulations!

BROOKE: Oh, thank you. It’s so nice to meet Roscoe’s family. He’s told me all about you.

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CLEMENTINE: (Still in shock at the news of ROSCOE’S engagement.) You… your…

ROSCOE: Aunt Clementine, is everything okay?SISSY: (Smacks CLEMENTINE on the back.) Oh, she’s fine. She probably

just swallowed a lemon pit. Ain’t that right, Clem? (CLEMENTINE coughs and nods her head in agreement.)

ROSCOE: So Maw and Paw are at home? I thought I’d find them here with you two.

SISSY: Oh, you just missed them.ROSCOE: Well, all right then. Brooke and I are gonna head over there

now.CLEMENTINE: (Pulls BROOKE over to SISSY.) Brooke, why don’t you

visit with Sissy here for a minute. I have to speak with my nephew for a moment.

BROOKE: (Surprised.) Oh. Okay. (SISSY puts her arm around BROOKE and the pair step just OFFSTAGE together. ROSCOE is love-struck, waving and smiling at BROOKE.)

CLEMENTINE: (Smacks the back of ROSCOE’S head.) Have you lost your cotton-pickin’ mind?

ROSCOE: Ow! What’d you do that for, Aunt Clementine?CLEMENTINE: Do you have any idea what your momma’s gonna say if

you bring home that… that city girl!ROSCOE: Oh, Brooke’s not gonna be a city girl any more. She’s moving

down here from New York in a few weeks. Then she’ll be a bona-fide Southern girl.

CLEMENTINE: (Frustrated.) Well, ain’t that just the berries! Listen, Roscoe. I’m just trying to save you from the wrath of your maw. If I was you, I wouldn’t mention a word of your engagement when you get home.

ROSCOE: But why? Maw’s gonna love Brooke.CLEMENTINE: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, boy.ROSCOE: Mmm. Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s best if I let them

get to know each other first.CLEMENTINE: That’s a great idea.SISSY: (ENTERS arm in arm with BROOKE.) I still can’t believe you saw

him in person.BROOKE: He gave me his autograph and everything.SISSY: Wow! New York City sounds so exciting.CLEMENTINE: You know, there’s nothing wrong with Corn Cob County

either. Just ’cause we ain’t got no Wal-Marts or Piggly Wigglys doesn’t mean things don’t get exciting ’round here.

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BROOKE: Oh, of course not. Actually, I love it here.CLEMENTINE: Hmph!ROSCOE: Let’s go, Brooke. I can’t wait to introduce you to Maw and

Paw.SISSY: It was nice talkin’ with you, Brooke.BROOKE: I enjoyed chatting with you, too, Aunt Sissy. Bye! Bye, Aunt

Clementine. (EXITS with ROSCOE. SISSY waves.)CLEMENTINE: (Pulls SISSY’S arm down.) Are you kiddin’ me, Sissy?

Do you really think he should marry her? Am I the only one ’round here who knows this is a bad idea?

SISSY: Well, she seems like a nice young lady. Maybe it’ll work out just fine.

CLEMENTINE: Puh! Maybe, if the good Lord’s willin’ and the creek don’t rise! (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: Maw’s dining room. BILLY BOB is sitting at the table staring off into space with a goofy smile on his face. BROOKE and ROSCOE ENTER, holding hands, with BROOKE pulling a rolling suitcase in her other hand.ROSCOE: Oh, hey, Billy Bob.BILLY BOB: (Startled.) Huh? Oh, hello, Roscoe.ROSCOE: Brooke, this is my brother Billy Bob. Billy Bob, this is my

fiancée Brooke.BILLY BOB: (Stands, tips his hat and holds out his hand.) Nice to meet

ya! (They shake hands.)BROOKE: Nice to meet you, too, Billy Bob. I’ve heard a lot about you.BILLY BOB: Oh, yeah? From who?ROSCOE: (Shakes his head.) Where’s Maw?BILLY BOB: I think she’s with your wife. I hear she’s mighty pretty,

Roscoe.ROSCOE: (Looks at BROOKE and back at BILLY BOB.) Did you just say

my wife?BILLY BOB: Mm-hmm. Miss Savannah. They say she’s purtier than two

piglets in a poke, and I hear she’s as sweet as a little heifer, too.ROSCOE: Miss Savannah?BILLY BOB: (To BROOKE.) He’s a real lucky fellow.BROOKE: Oh, really? And who’s Miss Savannah, Roscoe?ROSCOE: (Shrugs nervously.) How should I know? I don’t have a wife.

My brother has no idea what he’s talking about. (Whispers over his

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shoulder.) I told you he was one French fry short of a Happy Meal, didn’t I? Billy Bob, who on earth is Miss Savannah?

MAW: (ENTERS with SAVANNAH.) I’m so glad you asked, son. Roscoe, meet your future bride, Miss Savannah Davis.

SAVANNAH: (Shakes ROSCOE’S hand vigorously.) Howdy, Roscoe!ROSCOE: Howdy?MAW: Well, just look at the two of you. You’re gonna get along like

a house on fire, aren’t you? I’ll leave you two to get acquainted. (Starts to leave.)

ROSCOE: (Drops SAVANNAH’S hand and goes after MAW.) Wait just a minute, Maw. I ain’t gettin’ married to this girl. I don’t even know her.

MAW: Well, then get to know her.SAVANNAH: (Crosses to shake BILLY BOB’S hand.) Hi. I’m Annabella

Clara Daisy Edna Fay Davis, but you can call me Savannah ’cause I’m from Georgia.

BILLY BOB: (Gushing and embarrassed.) Well, hi. I’m Billy Bob… Or you can call me William Robert if you like, ma’am… I mean Miss Savannah.

ROSCOE: (Tries to interrupt.) But… But…SAVANNAH: Well, thank you, William Robert! Nice to meet ya. (Crosses

to shake BROOKE’S hand. She is very excited while BROOKE is very hesitant.) Hi, I’m Annabella Clara Daisy Edna Fay Davis, but you can call me Savannah, ’cause I’m from Georgia.

BROOKE: So I’ve heard.SAVANNAH: And you are?BROOKE: I’m Brooke Benton. From, uh, Brooklyn, New York. So, I uh,

guess you can just call me Brooke.BILLY BOB: She’s Roscoe’s fee-nan-see-air.SAVANNAH: His what?ROSCOE: No, Billy Bob, she’s not my financier. Brooke is my fiancée.

We’re engaged to be married.MAW: (Shouts and stomps her foot.) You’re what?PAW: (Races ON with his dukes up.) I’ll whoop ’em!ROSCOE: Hey, Paw.PAW: (Puts his fists down.) Hi, son. Everything all right?MAW: No, Paw! Everything is not all right. Your son is engaged to this…

this here Yankee! (The OTHER Southerners cover their mouths and gasp. BROOKE smiles and waves at PAW. MAW is pacing back and forth in a rage.)

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PAW: Well, she looks like she’s got all her teeth, so what’s wrong with her?

MAW: What’s wrong with her? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with her!CLEMENTINE: (ENTERS with SISSY.) Hi, y’all. What’d we miss?SISSY: (Smacks her arm.) Clem!PAW: Oh, look. Big Bird and Snuffleupagus are here. I’m leaving. Good

luck, son! (Sticks his tongue out at CLEMENTINE. She jumps toward him to make him flinch, and he darts OFF.)

MAW: As I was sayin’, she comes in with her Louis Vee-ton purse, her pink nails and “Goosee” sunglasses and before you know it, our son’s gone back on his raisin’. They’ll be livin’ in high cotton, and he’ll forget about all the rest of us.

ROSCOE: Maw, it ain’t like that at all!CLEMENTINE: Oh, yeah, just in time for the good part! (Sits and leans

forward in her chair. SISSY sits quietly beside her.)MAW: Oh, yeah… hey, missy…BROOKE: Yes?MAW: Do you bait your own hook?BROOKE: Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. (ROSCOE mimes

casting and reeling, trying to show BROOKE that MAW is talking about fishing. BROOKE copies his actions trying to figure it out.) Oh, right. I, uh… (Snaps when she thinks she’s figured it out.) No, sorry. I don’t own a yo-yo.

MAW: (Throws her hands up, frustrated.) Savannah, how ’bout you? Ever bait a hook?

SAVANNAH: Oh, yes, ma’am. I can bait ’em, catch ’em, skin ’em, fry ’em, boil ’em, broil ’em, grill ’em, you name it! ’Cause when you’re lookin’ at me, you’re lookin’ at country.

BILLY BOB: (Runs and kneels CENTER and yells.) Yeeeee-haw! I reckon she can bait ’em and sing to ’em, too! She’s just as amazin’ as the new John Deere 3000. (MAW rolls her eyes at BILLY BOB. He straightens up and goes back to his seat.)

MAW: (Turns to BROOKE again.) Speaking of amazin’. Do you bake your own possum pie, Miss Brooke?

BROOKE: Possum pie? You mean, like, an opossum? Baked into a pie?

MAW: Mm-hmm.BROOKE: (Looks to ROSCOE.) Ummm… No. I’ve never actually seen

an opossum before.MAW: Ya see, Roscoe! This is what I mean!

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ROSCOE: Maw! You’re being ridiculous. Just because she doesn’t make possum—

KAREN: (ENTERS.) Hi, y’all.ALL: Hi, cousin Karen. (KAREN takes a seat next to BILLY BOB.)MAW: How ’bout you, Savannah? Ever bake possum pie?SAVANNAH: Ma’am, I’ve been told that my possum pie is so good that

if you put it on top of your head, your tongue would slap your brains out tryin’ to get at it.

BILLY BOB: (Jumps out of his seat and yanks his hat off.) Yee-haw! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! I can just about taste it, Maw. Can’t you? (Tries to lick his head. MAW looks at him and shakes her head again.)

SISSY: (Stands.) Now, Maw, if I may. (Aside to BILLY BOB.) You can’t lick your brains, Billy Bob, so stop trying. (BILLY BOB sinks into his chair and pulls his hat down over his face.) Maw, I’m sure Brooke has other talents. I mean, Roscoe has told me that if you give her a couple of days’ time, we might all just get along fine.

MAW: Really. Hmph!ROSCOE: It’s true, Maw. Just let her stay for a few days, and you’ll

see. (MAW crosses her arms and turns her back to him.)KAREN: I wonder why they don’t just put the outhouse in the house?

’Cuz whenever you run out of your Charmin, you always gotta come in the house to get it, don’t ya? You know what I mean? (EVERYONE looks at her, one or two of them motioning to each other that she’s crazy.)

CLEMENTINE: Hey, I’ve got an idea, Maw. Why don’t we have a friendly competition?

SISSY: A competition, Clementine? In what?CLEMENTINE: Well, it can be up to Maw. Brooke and Savannah here

can have a few contests to see who’s better suited for Roscoe. Maw could be the judge.

ROSCOE: Now, Aunt Clementine, that’s just crazy talk. We all know who Maw is gonna pick.

BROOKE: Roscoe, it’s okay. I don’t mind. It will give me time to prove myself to everyone. I understand.

ROSCOE: But you shouldn’t have to prove anything, Brooke! What kind of contest are you talkin’ ’bout, anyway, Aunt Clem?

CLEMENTINE: I don’t know, some easy country livin’ type stuff. Maybe like shuckin’ corn or playin’ the spoons. (SAVANNAH enthusiastically nods in agreement while BROOKE shrugs and nods to ROSCOE.)

MAW: How ’bout doin’ the laundry with the washboard?

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CLEMENTINE: Yeah, that’s a good one.BILLY BOB: Ooh. I got one! How ’bout mud-pit belly-floppin’!SAVANNAH: Woo-hoo! Yeah! I love me some belly-floppin’. (EVERYONE

stops and looks at her.) Oh, I’m sorry. Go on.SISSY: Perhaps we should save the mud-pit belly flops for another

time. But I suppose a little scarecrow-stuffin’ contest never hurt nobody.

BILLY BOB: (Jumps out of his seat and paces while listing his ideas.) This is gonna be great! We could grease the pig and see which one of them can catch it. They could do motorized toilet bowl races, seed spittin’… (Spits an imaginary seed.)

OTHERS: (Watch the imaginary seed as it flies through the air. Then, as if it lands into an imaginary spittoon…) Ding!

BILLY BOB: And of course, burpin’ contests. (Belches loudly.)CLEMENTINE: Exactly, Billy Bob! Shoot, even a little bobbin’ for pigs’

feet might be fun, huh? Don’t ya think, Maw? (BROOKE makes a face, starts gagging and shakes her head “no” to ROSCOE.)

MAW: (Smiles at BROOKE’S discomfort.) Absolutely, Clementine. That sounds just delightful!

ROSCOE: But, Maw… (Comforts BROOKE.)MAW: No buts about it, son. This is how we’re gonna do it. Both girls

will compete to be your bride. They can both stay overnight in our spare bedroom.

ROSCOE: But we don’t have a spare bedroom.MAW: Barn stall, bedroom, it’s all the same to me.BROOKE: Barn stall?MAW: Mm-hmm, is there a problem with that, Miss Brooklyn? You

allergic to hay? (ROSCOE shakes his head “no” to BROOKE.)BROOKE: No. No, that’s fine.MAW: Good. Billy Bob, please fetch the girls’ bags and put ’em up in

the barn.BILLY BOB: (Jumps up obediently.) Okay, Maw. (Tries, but can’t figure

out how to put the handle down on BROOKE’S suitcase, so he lifts it up onto his shoulder and walks OFF.)

MAW: At the barn dance on Saturday night, I will announce the winner, otherwise known as my future daughter-in-law. (Quick smile at SAVANNAH. Turns to BROOKE.) And the loser of the contest will get to pack her Louis Vee-ton bags and go home immediately!

ROSCOE: (Throws down his hat.) Now, you wait just a minute, Maw. That’s not fair! You’re not even gonna give her a—

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MAW: Life ain’t fair, son. But you’ll thank me later for this! (Starts to go.)

CLEMENTINE: Where you off to, Maw?MAW: (Turns back.) I gotta get things ready. We’re fixin’ to have an

old-fashioned hoedown ’round here! (Yells OFF.) Hey, Paw, pull the pigs’ feet out of the picklin’ juice. (To CLEMENTINE.) I’ll see if he can round up a few pigs’ ears, too. (EXITS. LIGHTS BEGIN to FADE.)

CLEMENTINE: Woo-hoo! I’m right behind ya! (Follows her OFF as ROSCOE sighs heavily and the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP. Various contest items are scattered around the stage, including several ears of corn in a pile, a washboard and basin with a pile of dirty clothes, bobbing tubs filled with water and pigs’ feet, an unstuffed scarecrow and scarecrow stuffing material. BROOKE and SAVANNAH ENTER together.SAVANNAH: (Looks at the contest items, gets excited.) Woooeee!

Would you look at all that! We’re gonna have us a real ol’ country hootenanny, for sure!

BROOKE: I can’t do this.SAVANNAH: Sure, ya can! Ain’t nothin’ to it.BROOKE: No, I really don’t—SAVANNAH: Just do what I show ya and don’t worry none. You’ll do

jus’ fine!BROOKE: Thank you. You know, I really appreciate you helping me out

with all this, Savannah, considering I’m supposed to be competing against you.

SAVANNAH: Aw, it’s nothin’. Hopefully, Maw will appreciate all you’re tryin’ to do. I can see that you and Roscoe really care ’bout each other.

BROOKE: Really? You can? But then why are we going through all this? Why don’t you tell Maw that I should win? She’ll listen to you.

SAVANNAH: Well, first of all, I’ve been havin’ more fun than a lost dog in a meat market!

BROOKE: (Sarcastic.) Oh, yeah, it’s been a real blast.SAVANNAH: And second, because if you really want Maw to like you,

you gotta try and get a little country-fried.BROOKE: Don’t you mean countrified?SAVANNAH: No, honey, I mean country-fried. ’Cause if it ain’t fried, it

ain’t country.

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BROOKE: Ugh. It just seems like there’s so much I need to learn.SAVANNAH: Well, there is, but since Maw won’t be here for a little

while, let’s have a little practice, shall we?BROOKE: Okay. But do you think it’s possible for me to do all this

without breaking a nail?SAVANNAH: (Rolls her eyes and shakes her head.) Country-fried, Miss

Brooklyn. Country-fried. For Roscoe.BROOKE: (Discouraged.) Right. (Sigh.) For Roscoe. (SOUND EFFECT:

BANJO MUSIC plays. As the music plays, SAVANNAH demonstrates how to shuck corn, stuff the scarecrow and wash the clothes. BROOKE does her best to follow SAVANNAH’S lead. [OPTIONAL DANCE NOTE: If desired, DANCERS can ENTER and dance to the banjo music as SAVANNAH and BROOKE practice.] SAVANNAH keeps trying to get BROOKE to stick her head into the barrel to get the pigs’ feet, but BROOKE motions “No way!” At the end of the song, SAVANNAH dunks BROOKE into the barrel, and BROOKE comes up with a pig’s foot in her mouth. MUSIC OUT.)

SAVANNAH: Yee-haw, girl! Now, that’s country! (Smacks BROOKE on the back. BROOKE spits out the pig’s foot and collapses on the floor, completely exhausted. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

Scene FourLIGHTS UP LOW. Inside the barn, SAVANNAH and BROOKE are covered with quilts, sleeping on hay bales. MAW and CLEMENTINE, in their robes and slippers, sneak ON through the AUDIENCE. MAW has two ears of corn. The two giggle with excitement.MAW: (Whispers loudly.) All right now, shush! Don’t want to wake them

and get us caught in the act!CLEMENTINE: Oh, Maw. They have to be plumb exhausted after the

contest today. All that shuckin’ and stuffin’ and washin’! I bet they’re sleepin’ better than two pigs in a blanket!

MAW: Shhh! That may be, but this’ll never work if they wake up and catch us.

CLEMENTINE: All right. All right. (They reach the stage and cross in between the GIRLS.)

MAW: (Holds up one of the ears of corn.) No city-girl princess can have a good night’s rest with an ear of corn under her bed. (Quietly slips an ear of corn underneath BROOKE’S hay bale.)

CLEMENTINE: (Giggles.) I know. This is a great plan, Maw. Since Miss Brooklyn doesn’t know about this final test, she can’t practice like she did with the other tasks.

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MAW: Exactly.CLEMENTINE: I was shocked that she did so well against Savannah.MAW: Well, this is the end of her ride. (Quietly slips the other ear of

corn underneath SAVANNAH’S hay bale.) There. Now, the girl who is exhausted tomorrow and doesn’t sleep a wink, that’s gonna be the girl who goes home. And the country girl that can sleep just about anywhere, and on anything, well, she’s gonna be my son’s bride. (BROOKE starts to move around.)

CLEMENTINE: Ooh, it’s workin’ already. Let’s get outta here. (CLEMENTINE and MAW creep OFF. BROOKE and SAVANNAH toss and turn, trying to get comfortable. Finally, BROOKE gets up, looks under the bed, picks up the corn and tosses it over her shoulder. She lies back down and sleeps soundly. SAVANNAH flips over and flops. SOUND EFFECT: ROOSTER CROW. The LIGHTS COME UP FULL. The GIRLS wake up, yawn and stretch. MAW, CLEMENTINE and SISSY ENTER. MAW and CLEMENTINE have changed into their clothes for the day.) So, Brooke, how are you feelin’ this morning?

BROOKE: (Leaps up.) I’m feeling great. Why?MAW: No aches and pains?CLEMENTINE: Bumps or bruises?BROOKE: (Stretches up and down.) Actually, I feel fabulous, thank you!SAVANNAH: (Gets up slowly, massaging her shoulder and rolling her

neck.) Ugh! I wish I could say the same. (Hunches over, clutching her back.)

BROOKE: Oh, my, Savannah. Are you okay?CLEMENTINE: Oh, surely she’s fine. Just a little too aggressive with

the scarecrow stuffin’ yesterday, right, Savannah?MAW: Nah. Knowin’ Savannah, she was probably up late shovelin’ the

stalls or cuttin’ the firewood or somethin’ like that.SAVANNAH: No, it wasn’t neither of those things. I just didn’t sleep

well at all.SISSY: Perhaps it’s ’cause you girls are out here in a barn, sleepin’

on hay bales.CLEMENTINE: Oh, please, Sissy, no country girl ever had a problem

sleepin’ in a barn on hay bales and corn husks before. (MAW pinches her. She jumps.)

SISSY: Just what are you two up to?CLEMENTINE/MAW: (Look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and

try to look innocent.) Nothin’.SISSY: Mmmm. I’ll bet. (Spots the ear of corn under SAVANNAH’S bed

and pulls it out.) What’s this?

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CLEMENTINE: Shoot, Sissy, that ain’t nuthin’.BROOKE: Hey, I had an ear of corn under my bed, too!SISSY: You did? Well, bless your heart.BROOKE: Yes, I found it last night.SAVANNAH: Well, that’s funny. Who’d have put that there? (MAW and

CLEMENTINE whistle, still playing innocent.)SISSY: (To SAVANNAH and BROOKE.) Why don’t you two girls go and

get ready for this afternoon’s barn dance? I’ll get to the bottom of this.

BROOKE: Okay.SAVANNAH: See you later. (EXITS with BROOKE.)SISSY: (To CLEMENTINE and MAW.) You two are actin’ like a pair of

long-tailed cats in a room full of rockers! Y’all put this corn under there, didn’t ya?

CLEMENTINE: Oh, please, Sissy! That corn could’ve come from anywhere, and you know it.

SISSY: Oh, do I? Actually, what I think is that you two were tryin’ to pull some princess and the black-eyed pea type contest to see which girl could sleep better on a hay bale with the corn under it.

MAW: (Shocked, as is CLEMENTINE, but they try to act innocent.) Sissy, that’s just crazier than a hoot owl.

SISSY: I’ll tell you what’s crazier than a hoot owl. You are, you old coot!PAW: (ENTERS.) Somebody call for me?SISSY: No, Paw. Nobody’s callin’ for you.PAW: Well, that’s because they know—CLEMENTINE: Yeah, yeah, we know. You’ll whoop ’em.PAW: Hey, that’s my line.MAW: C’mon, Paw. We best be gettin’ on now. I’ve got some turtle

soup to heat up for lunch. (EXITS with PAW.)CLEMENTINE: (Looks at SISSY, who has her arms crossed and is

tapping her foot, then looks to where MAW and PAW exited.) Wait! I’m comin’ with y’all. (Rushes OFF after MAW and PAW. SISSY throws the corn down on the ground and follows them OFF.)

ROSCOE: (ENTERS with his horse, ELMER. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Hmmm, looks like the girls are gone already. (ELMER responds with a nod. ROSCOE pulls out a brush and starts brushing ELMER. ELMER snorts.) Elmer, just wait ’til you see my girl Brooke. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. (ELMER turns up his head and whinnies.) Oh, don’t worry, buddy. We’re still gonna be best friends. (ELMER whinnies again and turns his behind to

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ROSCOE.) Elmer, I promise. Okay, okay, let me say that again. She’s the best girl I’ve ever met. (ELMER nods and stomps his foot in agreement. MAW ENTERS to collect the quilts from the hay bales. ROSCOE doesn’t see her. She hides behind a hay bale to listen.) Brooke and I don’t have any problems, Elmer. The only problem we have is Maw. Maw hates Brooke, but I wish she wouldn’t be so hard on her. I mean, would it kill Maw to just give her a chance? (ELMER blusters.) Oh, Elmer, I wish Maw could just accept the fact that I’m goin’ to marry Brooke. No matter what anybody says, ’cause I really care about her. (ELMER snorts.) Actually, I really care about Brooke and Maw both. I just wish they could get along. (ELMER nods, stomps and neighs.) I knew you’d understand. (Pats ELMER.) Well, all right, buddy. You are lookin’ good, and I’m runnin’ late. I better go get ready for the dance. (ELMER nods. ROSCOE pats ELMER, who whinnies.) See you later, Elmer! (ELMER nods and stomps. ROSCOE EXITS.)

MAW: (Stands up and collects the quilts. She stops and looks at ELMER, who glares at her.) Oh, don’t you look at me like that! I’m just tryin’ to do what’s best for him! (ELMER shakes his head and snorts.) Puh! You’re just a horse anyway. What would you know? (Starts to walk away, then turns back and goes up to ELMER.) And just for the record, I don’t hate her. (ELMER whinnies. MAW walks OFF with the quilts, but quickly comes back ON.) Oh, and I am givin’ her a chance. (Stomps OFF again, but comes back ON once more.) And I don’t talk to animals, so don’t think I’m gonna make a habit of this!

BILLY BOB: (Burps loudly from OFF, then ENTERS.) Maw, you talkin’ to Elmer?

MAW: Hmmm, who? What, me? Talk to a horse? Don’t be silly, Billy Bob. (ELMER snorts.)

BILLY BOB: (Picks the ear of corn up off the ground.) Somebody lost a piece of corn.

MAW: (Grabs it from him.) Give me that! Now, scoot!BILLY BOB: I’m supposed to meet Miss Savannah here. She said

she’s gonna help me clean out the chicken coop and feed the pigs.MAW: (Startled at first.) You really like her, don’t you, Billy Bob? (BILLY

BOB looks down shyly, then giggles and snorts.) Well, well, well… What do you know? Even a blind pig finds an acorn now and then.

BILLY BOB: Pigs like acorns?MAW: Hmmm? Oh, no. Never mind that. I’m happy for you, son.BILLY BOB: You are? But I thought you wanted Roscoe to be with Miss

Savannah.

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MAW: Well, I’m beginnin’ to think that maybe I was wrong about that. (ELMER nods and stomps. MAW starts to go.)

BILLY BOB: Hey, Maw, please don’t tell Roscoe. I don’t want him thinkin’ I’m tryin’ to steal his financier or nuthin’ like that.

MAW: Don’t worry about Roscoe, Billy Bob. Your secret is safe with me. (ELMER snorts.) It’s the horse you gotta worry about.

BILLY BOB: Why, you think Elmer’s gonna tell?MAW: (Looks at ELMER and back at BILLY BOB.) Not unless he wants

to become Elmer’s Glue! (ELMER stomps and whinnies.)SAVANNAH: (Runs ON.) Oh, Maw, Billy Bob! I’m so glad y’all are here!

Brooke left. We’ve got to try and stop her.BILLY BOB: Well, where did she go?SAVANNAH: I think she’s headed back up North. After the contests

and the corn trick, she didn’t think Maw would ever like her. (To MAW.) Brooke didn’t think it was fair for Roscoe to always have to fight with you about her. She didn’t want to be responsible for ruining your relationship with your son. (ELMER stomps his foot and whinnies.)

MAW: (To ELMER.) Oh, be quiet, you!BILLY BOB: I didn’t say nuthin’.MAW: I’m not talkin’ to you.BILLY BOB: (To SAVANNAH.) Hot dog! I knew it! You wuz talkin’ to Elmer

before, weren’t you, Maw? (MAW huffs. ELMER nods and stomps.)SAVANNAH: Wow, that’s real nice, Maw. Sometimes I talk to the pigs.MAW: All right, enough, you two! Why don’t y’all go feed the chickens?SAVANNAH: Okay, but what about Brooke?MAW: You leave her to me. No city girl is gonna break my Roscoe’s

heart! (To ELMER.) I’ll deal with you later! (ELMER whinnies. MAW stomps OFF as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Four

Scene FiveLIGHTS UP. The barn dance. SOUND EFFECT: COUNTRY MUSIC plays. BILLY BOB, SAVANNAH, CLEMENTINE, SISSY, PAW and other TOWNSPEOPLE dance and mingle. ROSCOE sits on a hay bale with his head down. BILLY BOB crosses to ROSCOE, pats him on the back and sits next to him. MUSIC UNDER.KAREN: (ENTERS with a microphone.) Hi, y’all.ALL: Hi, cousin Karen.KAREN: Wow, this year’s barn dance. (Sighs.) I remember one year

when it was the barn dance, my cousin Clementine had a little too

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much to eat before all the dancing. Well, actually, I’m not sure we could call it dancing. But anyway, all that bird calling, spinning and jumping… Well, her face got all sick-lookin’ and giggly like a bowl full of Maw’s lime green Jell-o and then all of a sudden she threw—

CLEMENTINE: (Steps forward and grabs the microphone out of KAREN’S hand.) Gimme that! Thank you, cousin Karen, for that lovely trip down memory lane.

KAREN: You’re welcome, cousin Clementine. (To OTHERS.) Well, bye, y’all!

ALL: Bye, cousin Karen. (KAREN EXITS.)SISSY: (Takes the microphone from CLEMENTINE.) Thank y’all for

comin’ to this year’s barn dance. I just want to take this time to introduce our guests of honor. First, we have Miss Savannah Davis from Georgia. (EVERYONE claps.)

SAVANNAH: Thanks, y’all. It’s been so much fun!SISSY: And let’s hear it for our other guest of honor, Miss Brooke

Benton from New York. (EVERYONE claps. SISSY looks around. She puts her hand over the microphone.) Roscoe, where’s Brooke? (ROSCOE looks up, then cries into his hands. BILLY BOB slaps ROSCOE on his back to comfort him, then starts crying even louder than ROSCOE, takes out a handkerchief and blows his nose loudly. ROSCOE stops crying, looks at BILLY BOB and consoles him. CLEMENTINE whispers into SISSY’S ear.) Oh, my. Okay, well, it looks like there’s been a change in our schedule. Y’all just go right on with what you’re doin’ while I go find out what’s goin’ on. (Passes the microphone to CLEMENTINE and hurries OFF. MUSIC UP. EVERYONE except ROSCOE performs a country dance to the music. As the dance ends and the MUSIC STOPS, SISSY hurries back ON and whispers into CLEMENTINE’S ear.)

CLEMENTINE: She’s back, y’all! Maw just pulled up in her pick-up truck, and she has Brooke with her. (ROSCOE and BILLY BOB jump up.)

BILLY BOB: Ain’t that gooder than grits? I bet they was mud-pit belly-floppin’! (ROSCOE shakes his head.)

MAW: (ENTERS and crosses to whisper something in SAVANNAH’S ear. SAVANNAH smiles, nods and EXITS. To the CROWD.) Hi, y’all.

ROSCOE: Maw, where’s Brooke?MAW: She’ll be here in a bit, son, but I told her to give me a few

minutes to talk to y’all first.ROSCOE: What about?MAW: Well, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.

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CLEMENTINE: Well, tie me to an ant hill and fill my ears with jam. (MAW shoots her a nasty look.) I’m sorry, Maw. I just thought that… Well, I mean, what about Savannah?

MAW: Oh, I still like Savannah just fine. And I still say she would be a perfect bride for my boy.

ROSCOE: But…MAW: No buts, Roscoe. Billy Bob and Savannah go together like

chicken and dumplin’s.ROSCOE: Billy Bob?BILLY BOB: (Embarrassed.) Huh? Oh, yeah.ROSCOE: Really, Bubba? You and Savannah? Hey, that’s great! (Hugs

BILLY BOB. SAVANNAH ENTERS, but BILLY BOB doesn’t see her.)BILLY BOB: I told you she was purtier than a glob of butter meltin’ on

a stack of pancakes.SAVANNAH: (Sighs.) Well, aren’t you just the sweetest? (Embraces

BILLY BOB, nearly squeezing the life out of him.)BILLY BOB: Aw, shucks!SAVANNAH: Okay, Maw. She’s ready.ROSCOE: Just what are you up to, Maw?MAW: I told you no boy of mine is gonna marry a city girl. So we just

went and made Brooke a little countrified.BROOKE: (ENTERS in a sweet, feminine country outfit, perhaps a pink

gingham dress, cowboy boots and pink cowboy hat.) You mean country-fried, Maw. Howdy, y’all!

ALL: Howdy! (EVERYONE claps, hoots and hollers. BROOKE goes to ROSCOE.)

ROSCOE: Wow, Brooke. You did this for me?BROOKE: (Nods bashfully.) Mm-hmm. (Kisses ROSCOE’S cheek.

ROSCOE looks down shyly.)SAVANNAH: (Grabs hold of them in a big hug.) Yee-haw, y’all! We’re like

one big happy Southern family now! How ’bout we get this dance started? (COUNTRY MUSIC plays. CAST dances a hoedown as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. )

END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEScene One: Four rocking chairs, glass of lemonade.Scene Two: Dining table, chairs.Scene Three: Various contest items including a pile of several ears of

corn, a washboard and basin with a pile of dirty clothes, bobbing tubs filled with water and pigs’ feet, an unstuffed scarecrow and scarecrow stuffing material.

Scene Four: At least two hay bales.Scene Five: Hay bale.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Knitting needles, supplies (MAW)Newspaper (PAW)Fan (SISSY)Nail file (CLEMENTINE)

Scene Two:Rolling suitcase (BROOKE)

Scene Four:Quilt (SAVANNAH, BROOKE)Two ears of corn (MAW)Horse brush (ROSCOE)

Scene Five:Microphone (KAREN)Handkerchief (BILLY BOB)

SOUND EFFECTSBanjo music, rooster crow, country music.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSIn general, everyone except Brooke wears clothing typical of Southern country folk. Specifically, the following suggestions are needed:BROOKE wears designer clothes and has professionally styled hair

and nails. In Scene Five, she wears a very feminine and sweet country outfit.

ROSCOE wears a nice plaid shirt with shiny boots, freshly pressed blue jeans and a cowboy hat.

BILLY BOB wears a flannel shirt, overalls and a cowboy hat.In Scene Four, MAW and CLEMENTINE briefly wear robes and slippers

over their regular attire.

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ELMERTo create the look of a horse, you can go for an all-out horse costume, even using two actors for a traditional Vaudeville-style horse costume, if desired.

Alternatively, you can give the impression of a horse with a brown or black jumpsuit and simple accessories such as horse ears, mane and a tail.

Additionally, the actor (or actors) playing Elmer may quickly change costumes and double as townspeople for the barn dance in Scene Five.

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