CAL AND GRADY

"Locnatio, Location, Menstruation"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015 Rodney Ohebsion

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CAL (28) and GRADY (28) are sitting around watching TV.

CAL

Dude. I was just thinking. You know

what game is really fun, that we

haven’t played in, like, forever?

GRADY

Um. Hungry Hungry Hippos?

CAL

Well. Yeah. But you know what other

game is really fun, that we haven’t

played in, like, forever?

GRADY

Pac-Man.

CAL

Yeah. But you know what other game

is really fun, that we haven’t

played in, like, forever?

GRADY

Chinese checkers?

CAL

Dude. Stop naming games that are

really fun, that we haven’t played

in, like forever. OK. Now let me

ask you a question. You know what

game is really fun, that we haven’t

played in, like, forever?

GRADY

I don’t freaking know. What?

CAL

20 questions.

GRADY

Um. I guess. So, do you want to

play it?

CAL

Dude, you can’t just play 20

questions, just like that. You have

to let it come about organically,

on its own.

2.

GRADY

OK. So, do you want to play Chinese

checkers instead?

CAL

Yeah. But we don’t have a

checkerboard, or egg rolls.

GRADY

What the hell do we need egg rolls

for?

CAL

Isn’t Chinese Checkers the game

where you put Chinese food on a

checkerboard?

GRADY

That’s not Chinese checkers. That’s

just something we did when we were

in college, and we couldn’t find

any plates.

CAL

We never went to college.

GRADY

Right. But it was during our

college years, when we were 18 to

22. You know. For those four years,

we ate on our checkerboards.

Because we didn’t have any plates.

AGNES (80) walks in from another room. She’s smoking a

cigarette.

AGNES

Boys. It’s the first of the month.

You know what that means.

CAL

You’re menstruating?

AGNES

Your rent’s due. You owe me $25 for

rent--plus 5 cents for each of the

91 hamburgers I made you.

CAL

I’m pretty sure

you’re menstruating.

3.

AGNES

I’m 80 years old, Cal. I don’t

menstruate.

CAL

Then what’s with all the tampons in

the bathroom?

GRADY

Those are yours. Remember how last

week, you dipped them in tomato

juice, and you tried to trick

people on eBay into thinking you

were selling Angelina Jolie’s used

tampons?

CAL

Hey. I didn’t try to trick anyone.

The listing clearly said that they

were replicas of her used tampons.

GRADY

Right.

Grady takes out his wallet, and hands Agnes some money.

GRADY

Let me ask you a question, Agnes.

Since we only pay you $30 a month

for rent and all the nickel

hamburgers we eat, how do you

afford, like, property taxes, and

HBO, and ketchup, and and our maid,

and everything else? Do you get

alimony from your ex-husbands?

AGNES

Well. Let’s see. My second husband

used to eat a lot of papayas. Let

me show you a picture of him.

She walks over to her purse, takes out a photo, and hands it

to Cal.

CAL

Uh. He’s playing backgammon in this

photo.

AGNES

Right.

4.

CAL

And he’s naked.

AGNES

Yeah.

CAL

And he has an erection.

AGNES

Yeah. That happened whenever he

rolled a 7. It’s a good thing he

wasn’t playing Yahtzee.

Cal looks out the window, and sees JOE (75) and movers

moving a refrigerator out of Joe’s home.

CAL

Dude. It looks like the

refrigerators are migrating north

for the winter.

GRADY

What the hell are you talking

about? It’s summer.

Cal, Agnes, and Grady walk out and to the home next to

theirs.

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY / INT. HALLWAY - DAY

They walk up to Joe.

CAL

(to Joe)

Uh. What’s going on? Are these guys

training you to become a mover?

JOE

No. They’re moving my stuff. Me and

Gina are moving to a house in

Pasadena.

AGNES

Oh. I wish you’d stay. We really

love having you here. I mean, you

and Gina are such nice, white

people.

JOE

Well, uh. Yeah. I mean, I don’t

know about the white part.

5.

AGNES

You mean you two aren’t white?

Don’t tell me you’re Puerto Rican!

You and your damn Puerto Rican wife

Gina have made way too much noise

over the past ten years--and I

can’t wait till you get out of this

neighborhood, and out of this

country, and go back to Puerto

Ricica.

JOE

Um. We’re not Puerto Rican. Our

families are from Italy.

AGNES

Well, it sure is nice to live next

to white neighbors like you and

your charming wife Gina. As opposed

to Puerto Rican neighbors who act

Puerto Rican all day, or negro

neighbors who smoke marijuana and

watch Steve Harvey all day, or

Japanese neighbors who make all

sorts of noise with their kung fu

and their sushi. Why can’t they

just eat sandwiches?

JOE

(to Cal, Grady, and Agnes)

Uh. Well. Anyways, I’ve really

grown fond of you

three--notwithstanding Agnes’s

extreme racism. And I have a gift

for you.

CAL

OK. This a great opportunity for us

to play 20 questions. Question one:

Is your gift bigger than a biscuit?

JOE

Yes.

CAL

Is it bigger than a hot dog bun?

JOE

Yes.

CAL

Is is bigger than an English

muffin?

6.

JOE

Yes.

CAL

Does the muffin contain gluten?

JOE

What muffin?

CAL

The one from the last question.

JOE

It was your question. How the hell

should I know if the muffin

contains gluten?

CAL

Is the gift bigger than a dinner

roll?

JOE

Yes.

CAL

Is the gift your new house in

Pasadena?

JOE

No.

CAL

Is the gift bigger than a bagel?

JOE

The gift is a soda vending machine

down at Walker Park!

CAL

Is it bigger than a piece of

cornbread?

JOE

Yes. It’s a vending machine. I’ve

been filling it up with cans and

collecting the money for years. But

now that I’m gonna be living in

Pasadena, I want the three of you

to have it.

AGNES

Oh. How nice of you.

7.

GRADY

You’re gonna give us a soda vending

machine?

JOE

Sure.

GRADY

Wait a second. You’re, like, 80

years old. Is the machine one of

those 1876 models that only

contain sarsaparilla soda?

JOE

No. It has normal soda.

CAL

Wait a second. You’re Italian. Is

the machine hiding, like, a dead

body or something?

JOE

No. It only has soda cans in it.

AGNES

Wait a second. Every time I flush

my toilet, the Jews take eight

cents out of my social security

check.

GRADY

(to Joe)

So you’re gonna just give the

machine to us?

JOE

Yeah.

CAL

Man! Awesome! I’ve always wanted a

vending machine. Ever since I was a

little kid. You know. Every

Christmas, I expected there to be a

vending machine under the Christmas

tree. I even sang vending machine

themed versions of Christmas songs.

Like, uh.

(sings)

We wish you a merry vending / We

wish you a merry vending / We wish

you a merry vending / And a happy

machine / Doritos and Twix / E5 and

E6 / We also have Cheetos / And a

happy New Year.

8.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Grady, Cal, and Agnes are walking through a park.

CAL

I just had a brilliant idea. How

about in our machine, we add

an English muffin flavored soda?

GRADY

That’s a brilliant idea?

CAL

Yeah. Like, you know orange soda?

GRADY

Uh. Yeah.

CAL

Well. We’ll have a soda like

that--only instead of having the

flavor of oranges, it’ll have the

flavor of English muffins. ’Cause

think about it. Sometimes, instead

of wanting to eat an orange, you

want to drink a carbonated orange.

And sometimes, instead of wanting

to eat an English muffin, you want

to drink a carbonated English

muffin.

GRADY

Sometimes, when you share one of

your brilliant ideas with me, I

want to punch you in the face.

CAL

But this definitely isn’t one of

those times.

GRADY

Are you sure?

CAL

No. Now, do you think we should

also make a biscuit flavored

soda? ’Cause sometimes, instead of

wanting to eat a biscuit, you want

to drink a carbo...

AGNES

Cal. Shut up.

They walk up to a soda machine.

9.

GRADY

Here it is.

CAL

(sings to the tune of Silent

Night)

Vending machine / Soda machine / It

has Sprite / It has Coke / It takes

quarters and also takes bills /

Will Smith moved in with Uncle Phil

/ Dr. Pepper and Carlton, too /

Ashley and Mountain Dew

GRADY

You gotta stop watching Fresh

Prince while you’re high on acid.

AGNES

(to Grady)

Exactly. You need to start watching

wholesome, white programming while

you’re high on acid. Like Leave it

to Beaver. It’s like my mother used

to always says--"Hallucinogens and

the Beaver are a fantastic

combination." Actually, no. She

never said that. My mother always

said, "That Charlie Chaplin has a

really nice ass."

GRADY

OK. I think it’s time for some

drinks.

He puts three dollars in the machine, gets three cans of

soda, and gives one to Cal and Agnes.

GRADY

Cheers.

They click cans and drink some soda.

CAL

Man! We’re in the vending machine

business! We should start wearing

top hats and gold shoes. And we

gotta subscribe to all those

vending machine newsletters and

magazines. Like Vending

Illustrated, and Ladies Home

Vending Journal, and Vending and

Ammo. And let’s also subscribe to

Time Magazine. Because I really

(MORE)

10.

CAL (cont’d)want to know what’s going on in the

world. Like, I have no idea what’s

been happening in Australia lately.

Aside from all

the kangaroos hopping around, and

the boomerangs coming back to

people, and the toilets flushing in

reverse.

GRADY

This is the best business ever. You

leave everything to a machine, and

it makes money for you.

AGNES

It’s like we have a whore working

on the street for us, and she runs

on electricity.

GRADY

Well. I’m not sure how I feel about

that analogy. But the point

is, we’ll just wait here and watch

the money roll in.

They stand there for ten seconds, watching the machine.

GRADY

This is the crappiest business

ever. Machines don’t sell anything.

They just sit there and use

electricity.

AGNES

Well. My mother used to always say,

"If you have a whore who isn’t

making money, you need to slap that

bitch in the face" Actually--no.

She never said that. My mother used

to say, "That Bugs Bunny has a

really nice ass."

CAL

OK. I’m gonna drum up some business

for our electric whore.

He walks up to a MAN.

CAL

You look thirsty. And horny.

11.

MAN

You know, I do feel a little

thirsty. And extremely horny.

He starts drinking from a water fountain. Grady walks up to

the Man and interrupts him.

GRADY

What are you doing?

MAN

I’m drinking water.

GRADY

But there’s soda right there.

MAN

And there’s water right here.

GRADY

It’s Los Angeles tap water. You

might as well be drinking Al

Walters’s piss.

MAN

Who’s Al Walters?

GRADY

Al Walters. He’s the last person I

saw pissing.

CAL

Wait a second. Aren’t you the last

person you saw pissing?

GRADY

Dude. I don’t watch myself piss.

CAL

Why not?

GRADY

Like, you know. Not to sound

homophobic to anything, but if I

watch myself piss, then that’s kind

of gay.

CAL

Isn’t it gayer to watch another man

piss, than to watch yourself piss?

12.

GRADY

The point is, this guy shouldn’t

drink LA tap water.

MAN

My brother-in-law works for the

city’s water treatment division. He

says LA tap water is better than

most brands of bottled water.

GRADY

Who gives a piss what your

brother-in-law said? Take out a

dollar and buy a can of Sprite.

MAN

Get the hell away from me.

EXT. PARK - DAY

(Later)

GRADY

OK. I took care of our competition.

The camera reveals a "Colored Only" sign on the water

fountain.

AGNES

It’s about time this country

brought back water segregation.

CAL

(to Grady)

Um. Isn’t it a little politically

incorrect to put a Colored Only

sign on a water fountain?

GRADY

That’s the point. People will be

offended by the sign--so they’ll

stop using the water fountain, and

start using our machine. I’ve

finally found, like, an ethical way

to profit off of racism.

CAL

What about the time you dressed up

as that Tyler Perry character

Madea, and you performed at a black

kid’s birthday party?

13.

GRADY

That’s not profiting off of racism.

That’s profiting off of

cross-dressing.

CAL

You mean like the time you wore a

skirt to that bar, and you got a

bunch of free drinks?

GRADY

That wasn’t cross dressing. I was

wearing a kilt. Bars give

kilt-wearers free drinks on St.

Patrick’s Day.

CAL

We went to that bar on Groundhog

Day.

GRADY

Fine. It was a skirt. Sometimes I

wear skirts in bars to get free

drinks from guys. It’s no big deal.

It doesn’t mean I’m a transvestite.

It just means I’m thirsty. And why

the hell are we talking about my

skirts? Let’s focus on vending

machines and racism. We’re in the

vending machine business, and we

put a Colored Only sign on our

competition. Cal--sing a song about

that.

CAL

Um. OK.

(sings to the tune of 12 Days

of Christmas)

On the first day of business, for

our vending machine / we made a

water fountain seem racist

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR

Today’s top story. By now, everyone

knows about that local water

fountain with the "Colored Only"

sign. Well, earlier today, a group

of therapists and civil rights

leaders sat down with the fountain,

and persuaded it to have its sign

(MORE)

14.

NEWS ANCHOR (cont’d)changed. And guess what the new

sign says? "Everyone Welcome." And

then a record 85,000 people showed

up today to drink from what is now

known as the "fountain of

multiculturalism."

(VIDEO CLIP) EXT. PARK - DAY

A MAN is being interviewed.

MAN

This fountain is more than a

dispenser of tap water. It’s a

symbol of multiculturalism, and

unity, and friendship.

Cut to another person being interviewed.

WOMAN

The fountain has shown us the way.

If it can go from Colored Only to

Everyone Welcome, then imagine what

society can become. Imagine!

Cut to MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY being interviewed.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I buy all of my pork n’ beans at

Costco. When we were shooting

Dallas Buyers Club, I ate pork n’

beans every day for lunch, straight

out of a can. I didn’t even use a

can opener. Matthew McConaughey

doesn’t need a can opener. He eats

out of cans the way cavemen did

back in the 1600s.

Cut to another person being interviewed.

MAN

Why would anyone buy a soda from

that vending machine over there,

when the fountain of

multiculturalism is just three feet

away, and contains free, non-racist

water? I mean, if you buy soda from

that machine, it’s a clear cut sign

you’re a segregationist.

15.

INT. HOME - DAY

Grady, Cal, and Agnes are watching the news program on TV.

GRADY

OK. The Colored Only sign got our

machine, like, $100,000 worth of

publicity. On the other hand, it’s

the same kind of publicity

that Kramer got when he said the

n-word at a comedy club.

AGNES

You mean good publicity?

GRADY

No. Bad publicity. The kind that

hurts business.

AGNES

Hey. When Kramer said the n-word,

that’s what got me to start

watching Seinfeld.

GRADY

That’s because you’re a racist

lunatic. But if we want our vending

machine to make money, we need to

do some PR, and change our

machine’s image.

CAL

I have a brilliant idea.

GRADY

Let me guess. You want to make

tortilla flavored soda.

CAL

No. Well, yes. But I have another

brilliant idea. How about we make

cornbread flavored soda? I mean,

um, how about we get Kramer to

drink from the water fountain? If

people see that, they’ll think it’s

a racist water fountain for racist

people like Kramer--and then

they’ll start using our vending

machine.

GRADY

That’s a good idea. Except, no one

cares about Kramer’s n-word thing

(MORE)

16.

GRADY (cont’d)anymore. That’s old news. We need

another famous person to be seen

drinking from the fountain.

CAL

Newman?

GRADY

No. Someone who’s in the news right

now for being racist.

CAL

No one’s in the news for that.

EXT. THE COMEDY STORE - NIGHT

Cal and Grady see two BLACK MEN standing outside of the

Comedy Store.

GRADY

Are you guys gonna see Jerry

Seinfeld perform?

BLACK MAN

Yeah.

CAL

And are you guys black?

BLACK MAN 2

Yeah.

GRADY

OK. If you heckle Jerry Seinfeld in

there, and you get him to call you

the n-word, and you record the

whole thing, and then later you get

Jerry Seinfeld to drink from the

water fountain at Walker Park, and

you record that as well, and you

put the videos on the internet,

then we’ll give you 10% of the

profits from our soda machine.

BLACK MAN 2

That sounds like a lot of work for

just 10% of a soda machine’s

profits.

17.

GRADY

OK. 11%.

INT. THE COMEDY STORE - NIGHT

JERRY SEINFELD is telling jokes on stage. Black Man and

Black Man 2 are in the audience.

JERRY SEINFELD

And let me just say this. You buy a

pair of socks. You wear a pair of

socks. You take off a pair of

socks. And then you go through your

laundry, you fold up all your socks

in pairs--and at the end, you end

up with a lone sock. The other

one’s missing. Where could it have

gone? Is it on Sixth Avenue and

47th Street? How could it be there?

It’s not like you’re in the habit

of smoking crack, and then taking

off your shoes and socks in the

middle of the street.

Black Man 2 holds up his camera phone.

BLACK MAN

(to Jerry Seinfeld)

I wish I could sock you in the face

for telling such a stupid joke.

JERRY SEINFELD

Hey. Why don’t you put a sock in

it, nigger?

BLACK MAN

Why don’t you make me, cracker?

JERRY SEINFELD

That’s it. I’m gonna beat your

black ass.

BLACK MAN

If you want to fight me, I’ll be at

Walker Park.

He walks out.

18.

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Black Man and Black Man 2 are standing near the water

fountain and soda machine. Black Man 2 is holding up his

camera phone. Jerry Seinfeld walks up to them.

JERRY SEINFELD

Alright. Let’s do this.

BLACK MAN

Before we fight, don’t you want to

have a drink, so you’ll be

hydrated?

JERRY SEINFELD

Yes. I do.

He walks up to the soda machine.

BLACK MAN

Um. Don’t you want water?

JERRY SEINFELD

Why would I want water instead of

Mountain Dew?

BLACK MAN

Because. Well. Um. You know Rocky

Marciano?

JERRY SEINFELD

Of course I know Rocky Marciano.

After all, he was a great white

boxer who knocked out multiple

negroes. That makes him one of my

personal heroes.

BLACK MAN

Well. Rocky Marciano drank water

before he knocked out Joe Louis.

JERRY SEINFELD

That’s true. Rocky Marciano drank

water. And Rocky Marciano was

white, and Joe Louis was a negro.

So I guess I do want water.

He drinks from the water fountain.

19.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR

Jerry Seinfeld got in trouble last

night at the Laugh Factory, when he

called an African American audience

member the n-word, and vowed to

beat his black ass. But afterwards,

Seinfeld drank out of the Fountain

of Multiculturalism, and had an

epiphany.

(NEWS CLIP) EXT. PARK - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD

You know, I was telling jokes about

socks, and an African American

gentleman in the audience began

heckling me. I lost my cool, and

called him the n-word. And I was

very intent on beating that man’s

ass. His black ass. But then I

drank from the Fountain of

Multiculturalism, and I saw the

Everyone Welcome sign. And I

thought to myself, "What’s the deal

with water fountains? I mean, they

make you bend over for free water.

If you ask me, it’s a little bit

degrading. And more importantly,

what’s the deal with racism? I

mean, it’s stupid. Why would I hate

a negro just because he’s a negro?

I should hate him for legitimate

reasons. Like, because he’s poor."

NEWS INTERVIEWER

OK. Is there anything else you want

to say?

JERRY SEINFELD

Yes. What’s with the song "For He’s

a Jolly Good Fellow?" I mean, who

the hell wants to be identified as

jolly? Does anyone consider that a

particularly good compliment? Does

anyone think to himself, "You what

would be nice? If 50 people started

singing about how jolly I am." And

what about the whole "that nobody

can’t deny" part? Why can’t anybody

deny it? I mean, if 50 people are

(MORE)

20.

JERRY SEINFELD (cont’d)singing about how jolly someone is,

and I’m of the opinion that he’s

not jolly, then I have the First

Amendment right to deny it. That

nobody can deny? That somebody can

deny.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Grady, Cal, and Agnes are watching TV and eating hamburgers.

GRADY

OK. That’s more publicity for our

vending machine.

CAL

Yeah. It’s too bad our vending

machine is so racist. Otherwise all

of this publicity would be making

us money.

GRADY

I know. And we could use some extra

money, ever since you-know-who

raised hamburger prices to five

cents.

AGNES

Let me show you a naked photo of my

fourth husband.

GRADY

No thanks.

Cal looks out the window and sees DINH (male, 45,

Vietnamese, thick accent) pushing a sofa all by himself.

CAL

It looks like the sofas are

migrating south for summer.

GRADY

I guess our new neighbor is moving

in.

They all walk out.

21.

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S HOME - DAY

Dinh pushes the sofa into his home. He then walks back out

and sees Cal, Grady, and Agnes.

CAL

Hey. You need some help moving all

your stuff?

DINH

In Vietnam, when a man moves into a

new home, he must take all the

furniture there himself. It’s an

honored custom.

AGNES

You’re Vietnamese?

DINH

Yes.

AGNES

Well if you’re gonna make sushi,

you better do it quietly. It’s like

my mother used to say... Actually,

no. She didn’t say anything

relevant to this topic.

Cal looks at the sofa inside his home.

CAL

That’s a sweet sofa you got there,

bro!

DINH

It’s made of mango pits and silk.

CAL

You must be rich.

DINH

I am. Come to my seminar and I’ll

show you how you can also be rich

by investing in real estate.

CAL

OK. Where’s your seminar?

22.

INT. DINH’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

Cal, Grady, Agnes and Dinh are in Dinh’s bathroom.

DINH

Hello, everyone. I am renowned real

estate investor Dinh Nguyen.

Welcome to my seminar. Let me start

off by using an example that will

illustrate my real estate investing

philosophy. An analogy, if you

will.

He opens a drawer.

DINH

Look at my wife’s tampons. Where

are they?

GRADY

In a bathroom drawer.

DINH

Right. They’re not in my hamper,

they’re not on my kitchen counter,

and they’re not in those egg

thingies in my refrigerator.

They’re in my bathroom drawer. And

that brings us to the top three

keys to real estate

investing. Location, location,

menstruation.

CAL

Location, location, menstruation?

DINH

Yes.

CAL

Isn’t it location, location,

location?

DINH

No. Because any asshole can say,

"Location, location,

location." Millions of assholes

have said, "Location, location,

location." But I am a real estate

genius--so at my real estate

seminar, I say, "Location,

location, menstruation." And that

concludes my real estate seminar.

(MORE)

23.

DINH (cont’d)Thank you so much for joining me.

Now get out of my bathroom, and get

out of my house.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Grady, Cal, and Agnes are back in their home, watching TV.

GRADY

You know, that Vietnamese guy is

right.

CAL

You mean you want to use tampons to

invest in real estate?

GRADY

No. I mean we can make money off

our our vending machine’s fame.

CAL

How?

GRADY

You know. Location, location,

menstruation.

CAL

Right. Location, location,

menstruation. So... where should we

menstruate?

AGNES

Don’t menstruate on the sofa. I

just cleaned it.

GRADY

We’re not gonna menstruate

anywhere.

EXT. STREET - DAY

NEWS REPORTER

I’m here in Boston, Massachusetts,

the new home of the world’s most

racist vending machine. It has

Sprite, it has Coke, and it’s doing

plenty of business here in the most

racist city in America.

24.

He walks up to BOSTON MAN (40) who’s about to put a dollar

in the machine.

NEWS REPORTER

Sir. Why are you getting a soda

from this machine.

BOSTON MAN

Because I’m thirty, I love Sprite,

and I hate blacks, Jews, and

Mexicans. Go Red Sox!