candide

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Candide Music: Leonard Bernstein Lyrics: Richard Wilbur + John Latouche Book: Lillian Hellman Premiere: Saturday, December 1, 1956 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- ACT ONE 1.Overture 2.Westphalia Chorale 3.Life Is Happiness Indeed 4.The Best Of All Possible Worlds 5.Universal Good 6.Oh, Happy We 7.It Must Be So 8.Westphalia 9.Battle Music 10.Candide's Lament 11.Dear Boy 12.Auto-da-f й 13.Candide Begins His Travels - It Must Be Me 14.The Paris Waltz 15.Glitter and Be Gay 16.You Were Dead, You Know 17.I Am Easily Assimilated 18.Quartet Finale ACT TWO 19.Universal Good (Reprise) 20.My Love 21.We Are Women 22.The Pilgrim's Procession/Alleluia 23.Quiet! 24.Introduction to Eldorado 25.The Ballad of Eldorado 26.Words, Words, Words 27.Bon Voyage 28.The Kings' Barcarolle 29.Money, Money, Money 30.What's the Use 31.The Venice Gavotte 32.Nothing More Than This 33.Universal Good (Life is Neither) 34.Make Our Garden Grow (Finale) ACT ONE

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Page 1: Candide

CandideMusic: Leonard BernsteinLyrics: Richard Wilbur + John LatoucheBook: Lillian HellmanPremiere: Saturday, December 1, 1956--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT ONE 1.Overture 2.Westphalia Chorale 3.Life Is Happiness Indeed 4.The Best Of All Possible Worlds 5.Universal Good 6.Oh, Happy We 7.It Must Be So 8.Westphalia 9.Battle Music 10.Candide's Lament 11.Dear Boy 12.Auto-da-fй 13.Candide Begins His Travels - It Must Be Me 14.The Paris Waltz 15.Glitter and Be Gay 16.You Were Dead, You Know 17.I Am Easily Assimilated 18.Quartet Finale 

ACT TWO 19.Universal Good (Reprise) 20.My Love 21.We Are Women 22.The Pilgrim's Procession/Alleluia 23.Quiet! 24.Introduction to Eldorado 25.The Ballad of Eldorado 26.Words, Words, Words 27.Bon Voyage 28.The Kings' Barcarolle 29.Money, Money, Money 30.What's the Use 31.The Venice Gavotte 32.Nothing More Than This 33.Universal Good (Life is Neither) 34.Make Our Garden Grow (Finale) 

ACT ONE 

1.Overture 

2.Westphalia Chorale CHORUSFa Re Fa Si La Sol Fa Fa,Be welcome in Westphalia!A scene of sweet simplicity,

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Teutonical rusticity:All hail, Westphalia!

It is in Westphalia that our story opens, at Schloss Thunder-ten-Tronck. Westphalia is a remote and backward land, inhabited by people who speak an incomprehensible language and eat pork all the year round. Candide is the illegitimate nephew of Baron Thunder-ten-Tronck. He is treated as a social inferior by the immensely fat Baroness and their amazingly vain son Maximilian, but is nevertheless in love with their beautiful daughter Cunegonde, who seems to return his love. The personification of wide-eyed innocence, Candide is very happy.

3.Life Is Happiness Indeed CANDIDELife is happiness indeed:Mares to ride and books to read.Though of noble birth I'm not,I'm delighted with my lot.Though I've no distinctive featuresAnd I've no official mother,I love all my fellow creaturesAnd the creatures love each other!

All the young people were happy, even Paquette, the pretty young serving maid who enjoyed the honor of undressing the Baroness, and sometimes of undressing the Baron himself. If there was any cloud over the happiness of the Baron's son Maximilian and the Baron's daughter Cunegonde, it was the difficulty of deciding which of them was lovelier.

MAXIMILIANLife is absolute perfection,As is true of my complexion.Every time I look and see me,I'm reminded life is dreamy.Although I do get tiredBeing endlessly admired,People will go on about me -How could they go on without me?(If the talk at times is vicious,That's the price you pay when you're delicious.)Life is pleasant, life is simple-Oh my God, is that a pimple?No, it's just the odd reflection -Life and I are still perfection! I am everything I need!Life is happiness indeed!CUNEGONDELife is happiness indeed: I have everything I need.I am rich and unattachedAnd my beauty is unmatched.With the rose my only rival,I admit to some frustration;What a pity its survivalIs of limited duration!CANDIDELife is happiness indeed:

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Horses to ride and books to read.Though of noble birth we're not,We're delighted with our lot.PAQUETTELife is happiness indeed:Though of noble birth we're not,We're delighted with our lot.CUNEGONDEHorses to ride and books to read.CUNEGONDE, PAQUETTE, CANDIDEWe're innocent and unambitious,That's why life is so delicious!We have everything we need.Life here is happiness indeed!

MAXIMILIANLife is absolute perfection, etc.(If the talk at times is vicious,That's the price you pay when you're delicious.)Though it is a heavy dutyTo protect my awesome beauty,I have almost no objection -Life and I are still perfection!I am everything I need.Life is perfection indeed!

But if they are happy, it is because they are taught to behappy. And they are taught to be happy by the man theybelieve to be the greatest philosopher on earth, their tutor,Doctor Pangloss.

4.The Best Of All Possible Worlds PANGLOSSLet us reviewLesson eleven:

PUPILS (CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE,MAXIMILIAN, PAQUETTE)Paragraph two,Axiom seven.

PANGLOSSOnce one dismis5esThe rest of all possible worlds,One finds that this isThe best of all possible worlds.

PUPILSOnce one dismissesThe rest of all possible worlds,One finds that this isThe best of all possible worlds.

PANGLOSSPray, classifyPigeons and camels.

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MAXIMILIANPigeons can fly.

PAQUETTECamels are mammals.

PANGLOSSThere is a reasonFor everything under the sun.

CANDIDEThere is a seasonFor everything under the sun.

MAXIMILIANObjection!What about snakes?

PANGLOSSSnakes.'Twas Snake that tempted Mother Eve.Because of Snake we now believeThat though depravedWe can be savedFrom hellfire and damnation.

PUPILSBecause of Snake's temptation.PANGLOSSIf Snake had not seduced our lot,And primed us for salvation,Jehovah could not pardon allThe sins that we call cardinal,Involving bed and bottle.

ALLNow on to Aristotle.PANGLOSSMankind is one.All men are brothers.PUPILSAs you'd have done,Do unto others.PANGLOSSIt's understood inThis best of all possible worlds:MAXIMILIANAll's for the good inThis best of all possible worlds.CANDIDEObjection!What about war?PANGLOSSWar.Though war may seem a bloody curseIt is a blessing in reverse.When cannon roar

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Both rich and poorBy danger are united.MAXIMILIAN'Til every wrong is righted.PANGLOSSPhilosophers make evidentThe point that I have cited:'Tis war makes equal, as it were,The noble and the commoner;Thus war improves relations.

ALLNow on to conjugations.PANGLOSSAmo, amas, amat, amamus.PUPILSAmo, amas, amat, amamus.PANGLOSSProving that this isThe best of all possible worlds.PUPILSWith love and kisses,The best of all possible worlds.ALLQuod erat demonstrandum!Q. E. D.Amo, amas, amat, amamus.Quod erat demonstrandumIn this best of allPossible, possible, possible worlds!Quod erat demonstrandum!Q! E! D!

Pangloss asks the young people to summarize what they have learned.

5.Universal Good CUNEGONDE, PAQUETTE, CANDIDE,MAXIMILIANWe have learned, and understood,Everything that is, is good;Everything that is, is plannedIs wisely planned, is right and good.

In a secluded corner of the park Candide catches sight ofPangloss in the bushes giving Paquette some very intensiveprivate tuition. Inspired by their example, Candide andCunegonde declare their love for one another, and dream ofthe married joys that await them.

6.Oh, Happy We CANDIDESoon, when we feel we can afford it,We'll build a modest little farm.CUNEGONDEWe'll buy a yacht and live aboard it,

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Rolling in luxury and stylish charm.CANDIDECows and chickens.CUNEGONDESocial whirls.CANDIDEPeas and cabbage.GUNEGONDERopes of pearls.CANDIDESoon there'll be little ones beside us;We'll have a sweet Westphalian home.CUNEGONDESomehow we'll grow as rich as Midas;We'll live in Paris when we're not in Rome.

CANDIDESmiling babies.CUNEGONDEMarble halls.CANDIDESunday picnics.CUNEGONDECostume balls.Oh, won't my robes of silk and satinBe chic! I'll have all that I desire.CANDIDEPangloss will tutor us in LatinAnd Greek, while we sit before the fire.CUNEGONDEGlowing rubies.CANDIDEGlowing logs.CUNEGONDEFaithful servants.CANDIDEFaithful dogs.CUNEGONDEWe'll round the world enjoying high life,All bubbly pink champagne and gold.CANDIDEWe'll lead a rustic and a shy life,Feeding the pigs and sweetly growing old.CUNEGONDEBreast of peacock.CANDIDEApple pie.CUNEGONDEI love marriage.CANDIDESo do I.CUNEGONDE, CANDIDEOh, happy pair!Oh, happy we!It's very rareHow we agree.

The Baron and his (family are outraged. Candide is an

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illegitimate cousin, a social inferior How dare he embrace thedaughter of a Westphlian Baron? He is brutally expelledfrom Schloss Thunder-ten-Tronck and wanders alone - withonly his optimism to cling to.

7.It Must Be So (Candide's Meditation)CANDIDEMy world is dust now,And all I loved is dead.Oh, let me trust nowIn what my master said:"There is a sweetness in every woe."It must be so. It must be so.The dawn will find meAlone in some strange land.But men are kindly;They'll give a helping hand.So said my master, and he must know.It must be so. It must be so.

Discovered at dawn asleep in field, Candide is pressganged into the Bulgar Army. He tries to desert, but is recaptured; he is made to run the gauntlet, and his loyal comrades-in-arms lay bare every nerve and sinew from the nape of his neck to his buttocks. He is just able to walk again when the Bulgars declare war on the Abars, their chosen battlefield Westphalia. The Baron and his family are at the prayer.

8.Westphalia CHORUSFa Re Fa Si La Sol Fa Fa,Sieg Heil to our Westphalia!What power's ours to command!The mightiest in this mighty land!Sieg, Heil, Westphalia!Schloss Thunder-ten-Tronck is attacked.

9.Battle Music Everyone is massacred: the Baron Maximilian Paquette,even Pangloss. The Baroness is cut to pieces Cunegonderaped repeatedly before she is bayoneted to death. Amongthe ruins Candide searches for her corpse.

10.Candide's Lament CANDIDECunegonde!Cunegonde, is it true?Is it you so still and cold, love?Could our young joys, just begun,Not outlast the dying sun?

When such brightness dies so soonCan the heart find strength to bear it?

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Shall I ever be consoled, love? No, I swear itBy the light of this lover's moon.Though I must see tomorrow's dawn,My heart is gone where you are gone.Shall I ever be consoled, love? No, I swear itBy the light of this lover's moon.Good-bye, my love, my love, good-bye.Cunegonde!

Time passes. Entirely alone in the world and starving,Candide impulsively gives the few coins he has begged to anold man with a tin nose, worse off than himself: syphilis hasrotted away several of his fingers, and left him cruellydisfigured. It is Pangloss, brought back to life in the mortuaryby the pain of the anatomist's scalpel. His faith unshaken byhis experiences, he explains his condition.

11.Dear Boy PANGLOSSDear boy, you will not hear me speakWith sorrow or with rancorOf what has shrivelled up my cheekAnd blasted it with canker;'Twas Love, great Love, that did the deed,Through Nature's gentle laws,And how should ill effects proceedFrom so divine a cause?Dear boy:Sweet honey comes from bees that sting,As you are well aware;To one adept in reasoning,Whatever pains disease may bringAre but the tangy seasoningTo Love's delicious fare.

Dearboy.

CHORUSSweet honey comes from bees that sting.

PANGLOSSColumbus and his men, they say,Conveyed the virus hither,Whereby my features rot awayAnd vital powers wither;Yet had they not traversed the seasAnd come infected back,Why, think of all the luxuriesThat modern life would lack!Dear boy:All bitter things conduce to sweet,As this example shows;Without the little spirochete,We'd have no chocolate to eatNor would tobacco's fragrance greetThe European nose.Dear boy.

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CHORUSAll bitter things conduce to sweet.

PANGLOSSEach nation guards its native landWith cannon and with sentry,Inspectors look for contrabandAt every point of entry,Yet nothing can prevent the spreadOf Love's divine disease;It rounds the world from bed to bedAs pretty as you please.

Dear boy:Men worship Venus everywhere,As may be plainly seen;Her decorations which I bearAre nobler than the croix de guerre,And gained in service of our fairAnd universal Queen.Dear boy.

CHORUSMen worship Venus everywhere.Dear boy!

They are offered employment by a merchant sailing toLisbon. As they arrive a nearby volcano erupts; in theresulting earthquake thirty thousand people are killed:Pangloss still argues that everything must be for the best inthis best of all possible words. They are arrested as heretics,and brought to the auto-da-fй - public torture and executionsurrounded by all the fun of the fair - to face the Grand Inquisitor.

12.Auto-da-fй (What a Day)CHORUSWhat a day, what a dayFor an auto-da-fй!What a sunny summer sky!What a day, what a dayFor an auto-da-fй!It's a lovely day for drinkingAnd for watching people fry!Hurry, hurry, hurry,Watch'em die!Hurry, hurry, hurry,Hang 'em high!BEAR-KEEPERSee the great Russian bear!COSMETIC MERCHANTBuy a comb for your hair!WOMENBut the price is much too high!DOCTORHere be potions and pills

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For your fevers and chills!WOMENBut we haven't any moneySo there's nothing we can buy!JUNKMANAny kind of metalBought and sold!ALCHEMISTAny kind of metalTurned to gold!JUNKMANPots and pans,Metal cans,Bought or traded or sold!Pans and potsAnd what-nots!I Trading new ones for old!ALCHEMISTPots and pans,Metal cans,I can turn them into gold!Pans and potsAnd what-nots!For a tiny feeMy alchemyCan turn them into gold!CHORUSHurry, hurry, hurry,Come and buy!Hurry, hurry, hurry,Come and try!What a fair, what a fair!Things to buy everywhere,But the prices are too high!It's not fair, it's not fair,Things to buy everywhere;But we haven't any moneySo there's nothing we can buy!PANGLOSSBut you can't execute me; I'm too sick to die!CHORUSWhat d ya mean sick?PANGLOSSOh my darling Paquette,She is haunting me yetWith a dear souvenirI shall never forget.'Twas a gift that she gotFrom a seafaring Scot,He received he believed in Shalott!In Shalott from his dameWho was certain it cameWith a kiss from a Swiss(She'd forgotten his name),But he told her that heHad been given it freeBy a sweet little cheat in Paree.Then a man from Japan,

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Then a Moor from Iran,Though the Moor isn't sureHow the whole thing began;But the gift we can seeHad a long pedigreeWhen at last it was passed on to me!CHORUSThen a man from Japan,Then a Moor from Iran,Though the Moor isn't sureHow the whole thing began;But the gift we can seeHad a long pedigreeWhen at last it was passed on to he!PANGLOSSLove is sweet, love is sweet,And the custom is sound,For it makes the world go 'round.CANDIDE, PANGLOSSI repeat, love is sweet,And the custom is sound,For as we/I have shown it's love aloneThat makes the world go 'round.PANGLOSSWell, the Moor in the endSpent a night with a friendAnd the dear souvenirJust continued the trendTo a young English lordWho was stung, they record,By a wasp in a hospital ward!Well, the wasp on the wingHad occasion to stingA Milano sopranoWho brought home the thingTo her young paramour,Who was rendered impure,And forsook her to look for the cure.Thus he happened to passThrough Westphalia, alas,Where he met with Paquette,And she drank from his glass.I was pleased as could beWhen it came back to me;Makes us all just a small family!CHORUSOh, he happened to passThrough Westphalia, alas,Where he met with Paquette,And she drank from his glass.He is pleased as can beFor it shows him that weOne and all are a small family!PANGLOSSI am pleased as can beFor it shows us that weOne and all are a small family !CHORUS

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What a day, what a dayFor an auto-da-fй!What a lovely day for drinkingAnd for watching people fry!What a day, what a day,Oh, what a day,What a perfect day for hanging!GRAND INQUISITORSilence! INQUISITORSShall we let the sinners go or try them?CHORUSTry them.INQUISITORSAre the culprits innocent or guilty?CHORUSGuilty.INQUISITORSShall we pardon them or hang them?CHORUSHang them.What a lovely day, what a jolly day,What a day for a holiday!He don't mix meat and dairy,He don't eat humble pie,So sing a miserereAnd hang the bastard high!INQUISITORSAre our methods legal or illegal?CHORUSLegal.INQUISITORSAre we judges of the law, or laymen?CHORUSAmen.INQUISITORSShall we hang them or forget them?CHORUSGet them!What a perfect day, what a jolly day,What a day for a holiday!When foreigners like this comeTo criticize and spy,We chant a pax vobiscum,And hang the bastard high!GRAND INQUISITORThe supreme moment has arrived. All ye faithful -genuflect!CHORUS, INQUISITORSOh, pray for us, pray for us!Fons pietatis, pray for us!Davidis turris, pray for us!Rex majestatis, pray for us!(The crowd scatters in fear.)PANGLOSSLadies and gentlemen, one final word. God in hiswisdom made it possible to invent the rope...aaargh.

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CHORUSWhat a lovely day what a jolly day,What a day for a holiday!At last we can be cheery,The danger's passed us by.So sing a Dies IraeAnd hang the bastard high!Oh, what a day!!Pangloss is hanged, Candide flogged. Candide still believesPangloss was right.

13.Candide Begins His Travels - It Must Be Me (Candide's Second Meditation)

CANDIDEMy master told meThat men are loving-kind;Yet now behold me,III-used and sad of mind.Men must have kindness I cannot see.It must be me. It must be me.

My master told meThe world is warm and good;It deals more coldlyThan I had dreamt it would.There must be sunlight I cannot see.It must be me. It must be me.

Meanwhile in Paris a mysterious beauty has captured thehearts of two men, a rich Jew called Don Issachar and theCardinal Archbishop of Paris.

14.The Paris Waltz The Jew enjoys her on Tuesdays, Thursdays and hisSabbath the Cardinal Archbishop on Wednesdays, Fridaysand his ,Sabbath. On Saturday night there is occasionallysome dispute over the Sabbath as defined in the Judaic andChristian traditions. Sad at heart, the mysterious beauty seesherself compelled to glitter, forced to be gay.

15.Glitter and Be Gay CUNEGONDEGlitter and be gay,That's the part I play:Here I am in Paris, France,Forced to bend my soulTo a sordid role,Victimized by bitter, bitter circumstance.Alas for me! Had I remainedBeside my lady motherMy virtue had remained unstainedUntil my maiden hand was gainedBy some Grand Duke or other.

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Ah, 'twas not to be;Harsh necessityBrought me to this gilded cage.Born to higher things,Here I droop my wings,Ah! Singing of a sorrow nothing can assuage.And yet of course I rather like to revel,ha ha!I have no strong objection to champagne,ha ha!My wardrobe is expensive as the devil,ha ha!Perhaps it is ignoble to complain...

Enough, enoughOf being basely tearful!I'll show my noble stuffBy being bright and cheerful!Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha!Pearls and ruby rings...Ah, how can worldly thingsTake the place of honor lost?Can they compensateFor my fallen state,Purchased as they were at such an awful cost?Bracelets... lavalieres...Can they dry my tears?Can they blind my eyes to shame?Can the brightest broochShield me from reproach?Can the purest diamond purify my name?And yet of course these trinkets are endearing,ha ha!I'm oh, so glad my sapphire is a star,ha ha!I rather like a twenty-carat earring,ha ha!If I'm not pure, at least my jewels are!Enough! Enough!I'll take their diamond necklaceAnd show my noble stuffBy being gay and reckless!Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha!Observe how bravely I concealThe dreadful, dreadful shame I feel.Ha ha ha ha!

Candide, having arrived by happy coincidence in Paris isamazed to recognize the mysterious beauty as his pure, hisonly love, Cunegonde.

16.You Were Dead, You Know CANDIDEOh.Is it true?Cunegonde! Cunegonde! Cunegonde!CUNEGONDE

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Oh.Is it you?Candide! Candide! Can...CANDIDEOh.Is it true?Cunegonde!Oh my love, dear love!CUNEGONDEOh.Is it you?Candide!Dear, my love!(They fall into each other's arms.)CANDIDEDearest, how can this be so?You were dead, you know.You were shot and bayoneted, too.CUNEGONDEThat is very true.Ah, but love will find a way.CANDIDEThen what did you do?CUNEGONDEWe'll go into that another day.Now let's talk of you.You are looking very well.Weren't you clever, dear, to survive?

CANDIDEI've a sorry tale to tell;I escaped more dead than alive.

CUNEGONDELove of mine, where did you go?

CANDIDEOh, I wandered to and fro...

CUNEGONDEOh, what torture, oh, what pain...

CANDIDEHolland, Portugal and Spain...

CUNEGONDEAh, what torture...

CANDIDEHolland, Portu...

CUNEGONDEAh, what torture...

CANDIDEI would do it all againTo find you at last!CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE

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Reunited after so much pain;But the pain is past.We are one again!We are one at last!One again, one at last!(They waltz with abandon around the room.)

One. at last!

Their reunion is interrupted by Cunegonde's companion, the Old Lady. She warns them of the approach first of the Jew, then of the Cardinal. In a hurry of dramatic activity Candide inadvertently stabs them both - to death. The Cardinal is entombed in a great cathedral, the Jew's body dropped in the nearest sewer. Candide, Cunegonde and the Old Lady escape to Cadiz, taking with them all Cunegonde's jewels. The Old Lady tells them her entire life story. She is, she claims, the daughter of a Pope, a Polish Pope. She has been raped by a pirate captain, is the survivor of race riots in North Africa, years of slavery under various Turks, and a siege during which one of her buttocks has been cut off and cooked as emergency rations. Even as she recounts this spellbinding tale, they are robbed. The Old Lady offers to sing for their supper.

17.I Am Easily Assimilated (Old Lady's Tango)OLD LADYI was not born in sunny Hispania,My father came from Rovno Gubernya.But now I'm here, I'm dancing a tango:Di dee di! Dee di dee di!I am easily assimilated.I am so easily assimilated.I never learned a human language.My father spoke a High Middle Polish.In one half-hour I'm talking in Spanish:Por favor! Toreador!I am easily assimilated.I am so easily assimilated.It's easy, it's ever so easy!I'm Spanish, I'm suddenly Spanish!And you must be Spanish, too.Do like the natives do.These days you have to beIn the majority.SEСORESTus labios rubнDos rosas que se abren a mн,Conquistan mi corazуn,Y sуlo conUna canciуn.OLD LADYMis labios rubнDreiviertel Takt, mon trиs cher ami,Oui oui, sн sн, ja ja ja, yes yes, da da.Je ne sais quoilSEСORES

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Me muero, me sale una hernia!OLD LADYA long way from Rovno Gubernya!OLD LADY, CHORUSMis/Tus labios rubнDos rosas que se abren a mн,Conquistan mi corazуn,Y sуlo conUna divina canciуnDe tus labios rubн!Rubн! RubнlHey!CHORUSMe muero, me sale una hernia,A long way from Rovno Gubernya!ALLMis/Tus labios rubнDos rosas que se abren a mн, etc.

With the French police in hot pursuit for the murders in Paris, Candide accepts a commission to fight for the Jesuits in South America, with a free passage for Cunegonde and the Old Lady. So it is they takeship for the New World.

18.Quartet Finale CANDIDEOnce again we must be gone,Moving onward to the New World!Shall our hopes be answered there?Is that land so good and fair?

CUNEGONDEIn that land across the sea,When our quest at last is ended,Then all our fortunes shall be mended:We shall dwell there, free of every care, happy we!

OLD LADYStripped though we areOf our possessions, my dear,We shall go farThrough our professions, my dear.If this New WorldHas plenty of gallants,We'll right our balanceUsing our talents, my dear.CAPTAINGo now and saveMontevideo, Candide!Faithful and brave,Go on your way, O Candide!You must deterThe heathen invader,Drive out the raider,Like a crusader, Candide.OLD LADYI was in a funk,

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My confidence was failing,I was feeling sunk,But once again I'm sailing!CAPTAINYes, go, Candide.Do as I say: On your way, O Candide!Ah!CUNEGONDEFarewell, Old World!Ah!OLD LADYI was depressed and my spirits were failing,All's for the best now because we are sailing!Ah!CANDIDEShall my hopes for the first timeBe answered in that New World?Oh, farewell, Old World, farewell!Ah!In that land across the sea,When our quest at last is endedAll our fortunes shall be mended.CUNEGONDEThough we're deprivedOf our possessions, my dear,We have survivedThrough our professions, my dear.If the New WorldHas plenty of gallants...OLD LADYI was in a funk,My confidence was failing,I was feeling sunk,But once again I'm sailing!CAPTAINGo now and saveMontevideo, Candide!Faithful and brave,Go on your way, O Candide!You must deterThe heathen invader!CUNEGONDE, WOMENFarewell to the Old!We're bound for the realms of Gold!OLD LADYMy heart's full of hope,I'm sure we can cope, my dear!CANDIDE, MENFarewell to distress!All hail to our happiness!CAPTAINWith many a deed, Candide!

ACT TWO 

19.Universal Good CHORUS

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Have we learned, and understood,Everything that is, is good;Everything that is, is planned,Is wisely planned, is right and good?

Still trusting that everything is for the best, Candide arrives in Buenos Aires with Cunegonde and the Old Lady. By coincidence, and unseen by them, Maximilian and Paquette -miraculously restored to life -arrive in Buenos Aires at the same moment, both disguised as slave-girls. The Governor of Buenos Aires, Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza, whose moustache is even longer than his name, falls in love with Maximilian. Discovering his mistake, he proposes to Cunegonde.

20.My Love (Governor's Serenade)GOVERNORPoets have saidLove is undying, my love;Don't be misled;They were all lying, my love.Love's on the wing,But now while he hovers,Let us be lovers.One soon recovers, my love.Soon the fever's fled,For love's a transient blessing. ю,lust a week in bed,And we'll be convalescing.Why talk of moralsWhen springtime is flying?Why end in quarrels,Reproaches and sighing,Crying for love, my love?CUNEGONDEI cannot entertainYour shocking proposition.How could I regainMy virginal condition?I am so pure thatBefore you may bed me,You must assure meThat first you will wed me.GOVERNORWell then,Since you're so pure,I shall betroth you, my love,Though I feel sureI'll come to loathe you, my love.Still for the thrillI'm perfectly willing.For if we must wedBefore we may bed,Then come let us wed,My love!Maximilian is discreetly taken away by an amorous Jesuit father. Candide is sent off into the jungle by the O/d Lady, who tells 

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him the police have followed him to South America. Left alone, the two women celebrate their conquest of the Governor, the triumph of their femininity.

21.We Are Women (Polka)CUNEGONDE,OLDLADYWe are women! We are women!We are women, little women,Little, little women are we!OLD LADYNot a man ever born ever could resistA well-turned calf, a slender wrist,A silhouette as airy as the morning mist,And a dainty dimpled knee.CUNEGONDEEvery male I may meet must acclaim for weeksMy twinkling thighs, my flaxen cheeks,My memorable mammaries like Alpine Peaks,High above a wine-dark sea.

OLDLADY,CUNEGONDEWe've necks like swans, and oh, such sexly legs,We're so light-footed we could dance on eggs.(They do.)A pair of nymphs from fairylandAnd every day in every way our charms expand!You may add, if you wish, to that growing listA mouth so fair it must be kissedAnd parts we cannot mention but we know existIn a rich abundancy.Not a man ever born ever could resistA pretty little thing like me!

OLD LADYNot a man ever born ever could resistA well-turned calf, a slender wrist, etc.CUNEGONDEEvery male I may meet must acclaim for weeksMy twinkling thighs, my flaxen cheeks, etc.OLD LADYWe've Giotto hands, da Vinci smiles,We are brava divina to balletophiles.CUNEGONDEWe've Giotto hands, and Mona Lisa smiles,We are brava divina to balletophiles.(They dance.)OLDLADY,CUNEGONDEA pair of nymphs from fairyland, etc.We are women! We are women!We are little, little women,Little, little, little women are we!

Candide, accompanied by a faithful half-caste, Cacambomakes his way through the unexplored jungles of SouthAmerica, where he encounters women who take monkeys aslovers and Jesuit-eating cannibals. Eventually they stumble

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on the Jesuit encampment, where they are urged by theFather Superior and the Mother Superior to join their penitentflock.

22.The Pilgrim's Procession/Alleluia MAXIMILIAN(Jesuit Father)Come, heathen of America!Come, see the new domains of God!

CHORUSCome, heathen of America!Come, see the new domains of God!

PAQUETTE(Jesuit abbess)Ye ho in darkness plod,Come and dwell where Satan's hoof has never trod!

CHORUSCome, heathen of America!Where Satan's hoof has never trod!Alleluia!

MAXIMILIANWe seek to find God's pardon,Here innocence shall be restored,In this new Eden Garden,Where man has not defied his Lord.

PAQUETTE Here shall ye find reward.Come before your hearts in error harden.

CHORUSCome, heathen of America!Where innocence shall be restored,PAQUETTE, CANDIDE, MXIMILIANAlleluia! 

ALLAlleluia!

By amazing coincidence, the Father Superior is Maximilian the Mother Superior, Paquette. Candide tells him that Cunegonde too is miraculously alive, and that he is determined to marry her. Maximilian is outraged: Candide is socially unsuitable.Candide inadvertently stabs him to death, and flees into the jungle. Back in Buenos Aires, three years have passed; in the Governor's Palace Cunegonde and the Old Lady are sharing those miseries experienced only by the very rich and privileged.

23.Quiet! (The Old Lady swats a mosquito. Cunegonde yawns.)OLD LADYHoy-oy-oy-oy-oy!GOVERNORQuiet.

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OLD LADYNo doubt you'll think I'm giving inTo petulance and malice,But in candor I am forced to sayThat I'm sick of gracious living inThis stuffy little palaceAnd I wish that I could leave today.I have suffered a lotAnd I'm certainly notUnaware that this life has its black side.I have starved in a ditch,I've been burned for a witch,And I'm missing the half of my backside.I've been beaten and whippedAnd repeatedly stripped,I've been forced into all kinds of whoredom;But I'm finding of lateThat the very worst fateIs to perish of comfort and BOREDOM.GOVERNORQuiet.CUNEGONDEIt was three years ago,As you very well know,That you said we would soon have a wedding;Every day you forgetWhat you promised, and yetYou continue to rumple my bedding.I'll no longer bring shameOn my family name,I had rather lie down and be buried;No, I'll not lead the lifeOf an unwedded wife:Tell me, when are we going to be MARRIED?GOVERNORQuiet.OLD LADYI was once, what is more,Nearly sawed in fourBy a specially clumsy magician;And you'd think I would feelAfter such an ordealThat there's charm in my present position.But I'd far rather beIn a tempest at sea,Or a bloody North African riot,Than to sit in this dumpOn what's left of my rumpAnd put up with this terrible QUIETComfort and boredom and QUIETCUNEGONDEWhen are we going to be MARRIED?When are we going to be...GOVERNORQuiet!

Up-country again, Candide and Cacambo are lost and starving in the jungle. They find an abandoned boat and float down-river, 

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plunging into a great vaulted cavern. After twenty-four hours of darkness and the roaring of water they emerge into a country entirely surrounded by unscalable mountains. It is Eldorado.

24.Introduction to Eldorado CANDIDEEldorado.

It is even more beautiful than Westphalia. The stones in the dust are precious stones, the dust, gold dust. There are fountains of rosewater, the squares of the city are paved with precious stones that smell of cloves and cinnamon. There are no palaces of justice because there are no lawyers, only palaces of science. They worship one god, not three as we do in Europe. Although he has finally discovered Pangloss's dream land, Candide is not happy without Cunegonde and wants to leave, taking with him some of the priceless golden sheep laden with precious stones in order to ransom her. The people of Eldorado think him foolish but in their kindness construct a machine that will lift him, his companion and the golden sheep over the mountains.

25.The Ballad of Eldorado CANDIDEUp a seashell mountain,Across a primrose sea,To a jungle fountainHigh up in a tree;Then down a primrose mountainAcross a seashell seaTo a land of happy peopleJust and kind and bold and free.CHORUSto Eldorado, to Eldorado.CANDIDEThey bathe each dawn in a golden lake,Emeralds hang upon the vine.All is there for all to take,Food and god and books and wine.They have no words for fear and greed,For lies and war revenge and rage.They sing and dance and think and read.They live in peace and die of age.CHORUSin Eldorado, in Eldorado.CANDIDEThey gave me home, they called me friend,They taught me how to live in grace,Seasons passed without an endIn that sweet and blessed place.But I grew sad and could not stay;Without my love my heart grew cold-So they sadly sent me on my wayWith gracious gifts of gems and gold.CHORUSfrom Eldorado, from Eldorado.CANDIDE

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"Good-bye," they said, "We pray youMay safely cross the sea ""Go," they said, "And may youFind your bride to be:'Then pa5t the jungle fountain,Along a silver shoreI've come by sea and mountainTo be with my love once more.CHORUS... from Eldorado, from Eldorado.Golden sheep after golden sheep plunges to its death among the dizzying precipices, until only two golden sheep remain. Candide, unwilling to return to Buenos Aires where he believes he is under sentence of death for murder, sends Cacambo back with one golden sheep to ransom Cunegonde. He will meet them in Venice. So Candidearrives in the Dutch colony of Surinam and meets Martin a professional pessimist. As evidence for his pessimism, Martin shows him a slave whose hand and foot have been cut off by the owner of a sugar plantation. This Martin says, is the price of our eating sugar in Europe. Candide tries to argue with him quoting Pangloss but Martin refuses to be convinced "If hawks have by nature always preyed on doves, what makes you think that men will ever stop preying on one another?"

26.Words, Words, Words (Martin's Laughing Song)MARTINFree will. Humanity. Love. Huh! Hah! Ha, ha!Words, words, words, words,I have no wordsTo describe the vanity of life,The insane inanity of life,I have no words, but ha!'Mid grime and slimeWhy waste our timeSpouting some Spinoza monographEven one short Shakespeare epitaph.They make me laugh, but wait!It just occurred to me,A word that may just possiblyApply to all of usTrapped on this ball of dust.Two tiny syllables but spiny syllables;One single word-absurd.Ha! Absurd.Don't make me laugh,It hurts to laugh.Oho!Don't make me laugh!Don't make me titter!All wheat is chaff,All pills are bitter.Nothing to trust inThis worst of all possible worlds.All ends in dust inThis worst of all possible worlds.Any questions?

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Don't ask me now,They're useless anyhow.Were you in my position, friend,Were you a humble sweeper,Your thoughts on man's condition, friend,Would be a little deeper.If every blessed day, my friend,Brought dung and bone and spittleFor you to clear away, my friend,'T would change your mind a little.Yes, dung and bone and spittleAnd mud and trashAnd blood and ashAnd souvenirs of lustAnd every sort of residueIn process of reductionTo the final state of dust.You'd laugh along with me, my friend,You'd laugh until you'd bust!Ha!

A local Dutch villain, Vanderdendur, espies Candide's last golden sheep, and offers him, in exchange, a splendid sailing ship, the Santa Rosalia, which happens by coincidence to be leaving that afternoon for Venice. Candide is delighted. Pangloss was right, he tells Martin, everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds. The good people of Surinam gather at the water's edge with Vanderdendur to wish Candide a safe journey.

27.Bon Voyage CHORUSBon voyage, dear fellow,Dear benefactor of your fellow man!May good luck attend you.Do come again and see us when you can.VANDERDENDUROh, but I'm bad. Oh, but I'm bad,Playing such a very dirty trick on such a fine lad!I'm a low cad, I'm a low cad,Always when I do this sort of thing it makes me sosad,Ever so sad! Oh, but I'm bad! Ever so bad!Bon voyage!CHORUSBon voyage!Bon voyage, we'll see ya.Do have a jolly trip across the foam!Santa Rosalia,Do have a safe and pleasant journey home.Bon voyage, bon voyage.

VANDERDENDURI'm so rich that my life is an utter bore;There is just not a thing that I need.My desires are as dry as an applecore,And my only emotion is greed.Which is why, though I've nothing to spend it for,

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I have swindled this gold from Candide,Poor Candide!

But I never would swindle the humble poor,For you can't get a turnip to bleed.When you swindle the rich you get so much more,Which is why I have swindled Candide.Oh dear, I fearHe's going down, he's going to drown!Ah, poor Candide!

CHORUSBon voyage, dear stranger,Hope that the crossing will not prove too grim.You seem to be in danger,But we expect that you know how to swim.

VANDERDENDURWhat a dumb goat, what a dumb goat,Handing me a fortune for a perfect wreck of a boat.Never did float, never did float.This is going to make a most amusing anecdote.Never did float, wreck of a boat. What a dumb goat!

ALLBon voyage!Bon voyage, best wishes!Seems to have been a bit of sabotageThings don't look propitious,Still from the heart we wish youBon voyage, dear fellow, bon voyage!!

The ship sinks. Martin is drowned. So, subsequently is Vanderdendur. Reunited with his golden sheep in mid-ocean, Candide boards a raft and meets five deposed kings. The raft is rowed by a pathetic galley slave: it is Pangloss, again miraculously restored to life. The kings have learned their lesson: if they ever reach land they will live humbly, serving God and Man. Pangloss chairs their debate, following the proper parliamentary procedures.

28.The Kings' Barcarolle 

CHARLES EDWARDI do hereby make a motionIn hopes of your approvalThat after our removalFrom this most unpleasant oceanWe all say farewellTo vanity and strifeAnd in some dale (or in some dell)Pursue the Simple Life.CANDIDEWhat a royal, royal notion!HERMANN AUGUSTUSI second Charles's motion.CHARLES EDWARDI thank you, noble Prussian.

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PANGLOSSLet us open the discussion.SULTAN ACHMETYo-ho!PANGLOSSSh!TSAR IVANCharles Edward's plan appeals to me.What good are pomp and riches?Let's wash our hands of luxuryIn irrigation ditches.I'm sick of plot and counterplot;They never fail to thicken.Let's find a humble rustic spot,And cultivate the chicken.

CANDIDEAh, what pregnant observations!

IVANI thank you for your patience.

HERMANNPoint of order, Mr. Chairman.

PANGLOSSThe floor is yours, King Hermann.

ACHMETYo-ho!

STANISLAUSUgh. Ugh.

PANGLOSSSh!

HERMANNWe kings live so unpleasantly;Our lives are hard and lonely.Let's form a happy peasantryFor former monarchs only.I'll trade my kingdom for a hoe,My scepter for a shovel,And make the red, red roses growAround our happy hovel.

CANDIDEWhat a very sweet suggestion!

CHARLESEDWARDI hereby move the question.

IVANI second Charles's move, sirs.

PANGLOSSSay "Aye" if you approve, sirs.

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ACHMETYo-ho!CHARLES EDWARD, HERMANN, IVAN,CANDIDE, PANGLOSSAye!STANISLAUSUgh!

ALL except STANISLAUSWe have passed Charles Edward's motion,And now if we can manageWithout excessive damageThe motion of this ocean,We'll all say farewellTo vanity and strifeAnd in some dale (or in some dell)Pursue the Simple Life.

KINGSYo-ho for the Simple Life.

CANDIDE, PANGLOSSYo-ho.

STANISLAUSUgh. Ugh.

The raft arrives in Venice. It is Carnival time, and the Casino is ablaze with lights. Everyone is masked.

29.Money, Money, Money (Venice Gambling Scene)CROUPIERFaites vos jeux, Messieurs Dames!CHORUSMoney, money, money...Lira, lira. tura-lira.

The kings scamper off to the simple life of baccarat and roulette. Candide, clutching all his wealth, his one remaining golden sheep,goes ashore in search of Cunegonde. Paquette is the reigning prostitute, Maximilian, also miraculously restored to life for a second time, is now Prefect of Police, corrupt and running the city. Cunegonde and the Old Lady are employed to encourage the gamblers, the Old Lady occasionally pressing a lever under the table to control the roulette wheel.

30.What's the Use OLD LADYI have always been wily and cleverAt deceiving and swindling and such,And I feel just as clever as ever,But I seem to be losing my touch.Yes, I'm clever, but where does it get me?My employer gets all of my take;All I get is my daily spaghetti,

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While he gorges on truffles and cake.What's the use? What's the use?There's no profit in cheating,It's all so defeatingAnd wrong, oh, so wrong,That I just have to pass it along!

RAGOTSKIThat old hag is no use in this gyp joint,Not a sou have I made on her yet,And the one thing that pays in this clip jointIs my fraudulent game of roulette.But I have to pay so much protectionTo the chief of police and his men,That each day when he makes his collectionI'm a poor man all over again.

RAGOTSKI, OLD LADYWhat's the use? What's the useOf dishonest endeavor and being so clever?It's wrong, oh, so wrong,If you just have to pass it along!

MAXIMILIANIt's a very fine thing to be prefectShaking down all the gamblers in town.My position has only one defect:That there's someone who's shaking me down.For this fellow unhappily knows me;And he's on to the game that I play,And he threatens to shame and expose meIf I do not incessantly pay.

MAXIMILIAN, RAGOTSKI, OLD LADYWhat's the use? What's the useOf this sneaky conniving and slimy contriving?It's wrong, oh, so wrong,If you just have to pass it along!

CROOKI could live very well by extortion,But I simply can't keep what I earn,For I haven't a sense of proportion,And roulette is my only concern.I've a system that's fiendishly clever,Which I learned from a croupier friend,And I should go on winning foreverBut I do seem to lose in the end.

MAXIMILIAN, RAGOTSKI, CROOKWhat's the use? What's the use?OLD LADYWhat's the use? What's the useOf this cheating and plotting,You end up with notting.

OLD LADY, MAXIMILIAN, RAGOTSKI,CROOK

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It's wrong, oh, so wrongIf you just have to pass it along!

CHORUSPass it along, oh, pass it along.

ALLOh, what's the use? What's the use?There's no use in cheating,It's all so defeatingAnd wrong, oh, so wrong,If you just have to pass it along!

31.The Venice Gavotte FERONERien ne va plus. Le treize...

PANGLOSSBanco!

OLD LADYI've got troubles, as I've said:Mother's dying, Father's dead.All my uncles are in jail.

CANDIDEIt's a very moving tale.

OLD LADYThough our name, I say again, isQuite the proudest name in Venice,Our afflictions are so many,And we haven't got a penny.

CANDIDEMadam, I am desolateAt your family's tragic state.Any help that I can give...Please do tell me where they live.I shall look them up tomorrowAnd alleviate their sorrowWith a check made out to bearer.In the meantime, buona sera.

CUNEGONDEWe've got troubles, as she said:Mother is dying, Father's dead.All our uncles are in jail.

CANDIDEIt's a very moving tale.

CUNEGONDE, OLD LADYAlthough our name, I say again, isQuite the proudest name in Venice,All our uncles are in jail.It is a very moving tale.

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CANDIDEAh, what a tale!Ah, what a moving tale.

PANGLOSSMillions of rubles and lire and francs,Broke the bank, broke the bank,Broke the best of all possible banks.Pieces of gold to the ladies I throw;Easy come, easy go.Shining gold to the ladies I throw.See them on their knees before me.If they love me, can you blame them?Little wonder they adore me.Watch them woo me as I name them:Lady Frilly, Lady Silly,Pretty Lady Willy-Nilly,Lady Lightly, Lady Brightly,Charming Lady Fly-by-Nightly.My Lady Fortune found me.What a joy to have around meLovely ladies, six or seven;This is my idea of Heaven.Fortune, keep the wheel a-spinning,They adore me while I'm winning!Lady Frilly, Lady Silly,Pretty Lady Willy-Nilly,Lady Lightly, Lady Brightly,Charming Lady Fly-by-Nightly.Fools love only one or two.Ladies, I love all of you.

CUNEGONDEShe's got troubles, as she said:Mother is dying, Father's dead.All her uncles are in jail.It's a very moving tale.Although her name, she says again, isQuite the proudest name in Venice,All her uncles are in jail. It's a very moving tale.OLD LADYI've got troubles, as I said:Mother is dying, Father's dead.All my uncles are in jail.It's a very moving tale.Although our name, I say again, isQuite the proudest name in Venice,All my uncles are in jail.It's a very moving tale.CANDIDEIt's a very moving tale.Ah, what a moving tale!PANGLOSSLady Frilly, Lady Silly, etc.(Their masks fall.)CUNEGONDE

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Candide!CANDIDECunegonde!

32.Nothing More Than This CANDIDEIs it this, the meaning of my life,The sacred trust I treasured,Nothing more than this?All of my hope and pleasure,No more than this?The love I dreamed and cried for,Nothing more than this?All that I killed and died for,No more than this?

That smile, that face, that halo around it,That youth, that charm, that grace,Behold I have found it,Nothing more than this,No more than this.What did you dream,Angel face with flaxen hair,Soul as dead as face was fair?Did you ever care?Yes, you cared for what these purses hold,You cared for gold, you cared for gold.Take it for my kiss, my bitter kiss,Since it was this you wanted,No more than this.For many days after. Candide does not speak. They have just enough money among them to buy a small farm outside Venice. Cunegonde's nagging gets worse and worse, and the Old Lady's temper is as bad as Cunegonde's. Pangloss pines for a German university. Paquette pursues her chosen vocation, but no longer earns any money. From time to time they see, impaled on spikes above the city gates, the heads of unsuccessful politicians. And still Candide does not speak.

33.Universal Good (Life is Neither) CHORUSLife is neither good nor bad.Life is life, and all we know.Good and bad and joy and woeAre woven fine, are woven fine.All the travels we have made,All the evils we have known,Even paradise itself,Are nothing now, are nothing now.

At last Candide speaks. They are not what they were, nor do they wish to be. The way they have loved they will not love again. They love now for what they are. He asks Cunegonde to marry him.

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34.Make Our Garden Grow (Finale)(Finale)CANDIDEYou've been a fool and so have I,But come and be my wife,And let us try before we dieTo make some sense of life.We're neither pure nor wise nor good;We'll do the best we know.We'll build our house, and chop our wood,And make our garden grow.CUNEGONDEI thought the world was sugarcake,For so our master said;But now I'll teach my hands to bakeOur loaf of daily bread.

CUNEGONDE, CANDIDEWe're neither pure nor wise nor good;We'll do the best we know.We'll build our house, and chop our wood,And make our garden grow.

CUNEGONDE, OLD LADY, PAQUETTE,CANDIDE, GOVERNOR, MAXIMILIAN,PANGLOSSLet dreamers dream what worlds they please;Those Edens can't be found.The sweetest flowers, the fairest treesAre grown in solid ground.

CUNEGONDE, OLD LADY, PAQUETTE,CANDIDE, GOVERNOR, MAXIMILIAN,PANGLOSS, CHORUSWe're neither pure nor wise nor good;We'll do the best we know.We'll build our house, and chop our wood,And make our garden grow.

PANGLOSSAny questions?