caution: i drive like you do! american paradoxist folklore, edited by florentin smarandache

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    CAUTION :

    I Drive Like You Do !

    AMERICANpArAdOxIsT

    FOLKLOREEditor: Florentin Smarandache

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    CAUTION :I Drive Like You Do !(Collection of American paradoxist Folklore)

    Editor:Florentin Smarandache, Ph DAssociate ProfessorChair of the Department of Math & SciencesUniversity of New Mexico200 College Rd.Gallup, NM 87301, USA

    ILQ2007

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    This book can be ordered in a paper bound reprint from:

    Books on Demand

    ProQuest Information & Learning(University of Microfilm International)300 N. Zeeb RoadP.O. Box 1346, Ann ArborMI 48106-1346, USATel.: 1-800-521-0600 (Customer Service)http://wwwlib.umi.com/bod/basic

    Copyright 2007 by InfoLearnQuest and the Editor.Many books can be downloaded from the following

    Digital Library of Arts & Letters:http://www.gallup.unm.edu/~smarandache/eBooksLiterature.htm

    Peer Reviewers:1. Prof. Mihaly Bencze, Department of Mathematics, prily Lajos College, Brasov,

    Romania.2. Prof. Dr. Rajesh Singh, Devi Ahilya University, Khndawa Road, Indore (M.P.),

    India.

    (ISBN-10): 1-59973-047-2(ISBN-13): 978-1-59973-047-9

    (EAN): 9781599730479Printed in the United States of America

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    CAUTION :I Drive Like You Do !

    (Short Forward)

    I have collected this beautiful American Folklore - under the form ofaphorisms - from car plates, from various anonymous postings, fromexpressions heard in my discussions, from e-mails received, etc.Computer jokes, life taken upside-down, job related reflections, familyconnections, inside-outclichsof language, and so on.

    They are in a paradoxist style, or close, and full of humorSome of them are cascading Murphys Laws (pessimistically),

    others are opposite - like Peters Laws(optimistically).

    Their sweetness smiles in the face of adversity, full of irony andauto-irony.I hope readers will enjoy them.

    See a few nice examples from the book text: I think, therefore Imsingle, Life is short, break some rules, or Black Holes are Where God

    Divided by Zero!

    The Editor

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    AMERICANpArAdOxIsT

    FOLKLORE

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    SMILE

    Its The 2nd BestThing You Can DoWith Your LipsI GAVE UP DRINKING, SMOKING, AND SEX.

    IT WAS THE WORST 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE.

    RETIREDI Was Tired Yesterday

    And Im Tired Again Today

    BEAUTY

    IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY

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    Punish Men Severely

    Yes, Th is Is My Truc kNO, I WONT HELP YOU MOVE

    Its been a long week alreadyAND ITS ONLY MONDAYYIELD TO THE

    PRINCESS

    P M S

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    I Used Up All My Sick DaysSO I CALLED IN DEAD

    I STILL MISS MY EXBut My Aim Is Improving

    WORK HARDER

    MMillions On WelfareDepend On You !

    RETIREDDont Ask Me ToDo A Damn Thing!

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    JESUS LOVES YOUEveryone Else Thinks Youre An Asshole

    LIFE SUCKSWell, OK, Just Yours

    Life Is ShortBREAK SOME RULES

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    Why is a job better than a

    wife?After ten years, a job still sucks.

    IM THEBOSS

    My Wife Said I Could Be

    MIDDLE FINGER

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    I Tried Seeing Your Point of View

    BUT I COULDNTGET MY HEAD THAT FARUP MY ASS

    Your Proctologist Called

    HE FOUND YOUR HEAD

    Youre entitle to yourWRONG OPINION

    Trust Your InstinctsPeople Really Dont Like You

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    Blonde Thinking

    CAUTION

    Ever stop to think

    And forget to start again?

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    I SUFFER FROM

    C. R. S.

    Cant Remember Shit

    Clear the roadIm SIXTEEN

    Its abeautiful

    thing

    A Woman&

    Her Truck

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    Behind Every Successful

    ManIS A SURPRISED WOMAN

    Im In No ShapeTo EXERCISE

    IM SINGLE

    BY ONLY SIXNUMBERS

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    I Brake For

    HOOTERS

    I Respect Your OpinionI JUST DONT WANT TO HEAR IT

    Uncle Sam Wants You

    TO SPEAK ENGLISH

    HORN BROKENWatch For Finger

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    Im Only Driving Like This

    I may be fat, but youreugly, and I can diet

    REAL WOMEN

    POWER SURGESDont Have Hot Flashes, They Have

    TO PISS YOU OFF

    Park Somewhere Else

    STUPIDITY ISNT A HANDICAP

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    Isnt a smoking area in arestaurant like a peeingarea in a swimming pool?

    Cant Feed Em?DONT BREED EM

    For A Small Town

    ASSHOLESCmon, Give Me The Finger

    LIKE YOU MEAN IT

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    I Dont Suffer From Insanity

    I Enjoy Every Minute OfIt

    If First You Dont Succeed

    SCREW IT

    Dont Worry, I Forgot

    Your Name Too

    Do they everSHUT UP

    On your plane?

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    I An Not An AlcoholicIM A DRUNK

    Alcoholics Go To Meetings

    YOU SAY

    IM A BITCH

    LIKE ITSA BADTHING

    WIFE AND DOG MISSING

    REWARD FOR DOG

    I want to be just like BARBIE

    That BITCH Has Everything!

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    Dont Worry What People Think

    ......They Dont Do It Very Often

    THIS IS A

    WORK-FREESMOKE PLACE

    THE WAYTO REMEMBERYOUR WIFES

    BIRTHDAYIS TO FORGET ITONCE

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    UNATTENDEDCHILDRENWILL BE

    SOLD AS SLAVES

    WANTED

    GOOD

    WOMANMust be able to clean,

    Cook, saw, dig worms,and clean fish.

    Must have boat and motor.PLEASE SEND PICTURE OFBOAT AND MOTOR

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    WANTED !GOODMAN

    90 YEARS OLD,

    RICH, ONE FOOT IN

    THE GRAVE, ONE

    FOOT ON A BANANA

    PEEL, MY HAND ON

    HIS SHOULDER.

    SHIRTS &

    SHOES

    REQUIRED

    BRAS & PANTIESOPTIONAL

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    AVENGE

    YOURSELF!

    LIVE LONG

    ENOUGH

    TO BE A

    PROBLEM TOYOUR KIDS

    WHAT PART OFMEOWDONT YOU

    UNDERSTAND?

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    REMEMBER

    BEER HAS FOOD

    VALUE BUT

    FOOD HAS NO

    BEER VALUE

    Be sure to

    taste your

    wordsBefore you

    spit em out

    Good Morning!Let The Stress Begin!

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    GIVE ME COFFEEAND NOBODY

    GETS HURT!

    Life is a whore

    And I am like her

    Guns dont k il l people

    People kill people

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    We RepairWhat Your Husband

    Has Fixed

    My Kids Think

    Im an ATM

    Mondayis the root

    of

    all evil

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    Lord, if I cant be SKINNY

    Please let my friends be FAT

    I Dont Suffer From

    Insanity

    I En o Ever Minute Of It

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    Embarrassing My

    Children

    A FULL-TIME OCCUPATION

    Dont Drink And Drive,You might hit a bump ands ill our drink

    REAL MEN

    Cmon, Give Me The Finger

    LIKE YOU MEAN IT

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    I want to be just like BARBIE

    That BITCH Has Ever thin !

    GUN CONTROLMeans Using

    BOTH

    If You Like My Bumper

    Youll Love My Headlights

    It Takes A Lot Of BallsTo Golf Like I Do

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    Was It Love At First Sight?

    Or Should I Drive By Again?

    I Used To Be SnowWhiteBut I Drifted

    US GOVERNMENT AND CONGRESS

    IF IT AINT BROKE,FIX IT, THEN IT IS

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    WORK HARDERMMillions On Welfare

    Depend On You !

    BE NICE

    TO NERDS

    Chances Are

    Youll End UpWorking for

    One

    Your Kids An Honor Student!

    But Youre A Moron

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    WOMEN WANT ME

    ISH TREMBLEAt the sound of my name

    Driver Carries No Ca$hHES MARRIED

    THEYLL CHOOSE

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    I JUST GOT A GUN FOR MY WIFE

    Its the best trade I ever made

    Clear the roadIm SIXTEEN

    FASTERThan A Speeding Ticket

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    Its been a long week already

    \

    Ive Been Fishing So LongMy Worm Gets Social Security

    What Would

    SCOOBY DO?

    AND ITS ONLY MONDAY

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    Bill & HillaryAMERICAS DUAL AIRBAGS

    Lets Not Meet By

    Sleep With Me OnceThank Me Forever

    Married Men Dont LIVE Longer

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    I LOVE CATS

    CHICKEN

    DONT TAILGATE MEOR

    ILL FLICK A BOOGERON YOUR WINSHIELD

    YIELD TO THEPRINCESS

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    Dont belittle Powerball.

    It's a lways big

    Chicks don't respond

    to"babe"and"chick"for that matter

    Dont justargue.ARGUE well!

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    Quality is evenly proportional to thetime left for completion of the project

    That which cannot be taken apart

    WILL FALL APART

    Anything which cannot

    possibly go wrong, will still go

    wrong anyway

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    The chief course ofproblems is solutions

    There are two things thatare universal:

    HYDROGEN + STUPIDITY.

    Never do card tricks with the

    ones you play poker with

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    The efficiency of a committee meeting isinversely proportional to the number of

    participants and the time spent ondeliberations

    Success always occurs inprivate, and failure in full

    public view

    Non-rec iproc al Rule:Negative expectations yield negative results

    Positive expectations yield negative results

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    The simplest sub jec ts are the

    ones you dont know anything

    about

    The stomach expands toaccommodate the amountof junk food available

    The farther away the future is,the better it looks

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    The more trivial

    your research, the

    more people willneed it and agree

    Only a fool can reproduceanother fools work

    Urgency varies inversely withthe importance

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    If it werent for the

    last minute, nothing

    would get done

    The one module you needfor compilation,

    will be the one missing from the

    tool chest

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    Don't talk

    unless You canimprove the silence

    FLORIDAGods Waiting Room

    I`m Not Old,

    I m Chronologically Gifted

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    Bills travel through the mail

    at twice the speed of checks

    CAUTION

    I Drive Like You Do

    Dont Follow Me

    OR

    Youll End Up At My Place

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    Computers can

    never

    Replace human stupidity

    BLACK HOLES ARE WHERE GOD

    DIVIDED BY ZERO

    Feel Lucky?

    Update your software

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    Bugs come in throughOpen Window s

    Artificial Intelligence

    Usually

    Beats Real Stupidity

    God created men and rested.God created women and

    no-one's rested since!

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    And Drive

    Living on Earth Is Expensive,But It Does Include A FreeTrip Around The Sun.

    Heaven wont have meandHell s afraid Il l take

    over

    Hang Up

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    Hire a

    Teenager Now While they still

    knoweverything

    Alcohol and Calculus dont Mix

    Never Drink and Derive

    HAS THE BEST LAWYERHE WHO LAUGHS LAST

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    If you think Im alousy driver,

    Wait until you see me putt

    TO ERRIS HUMAN

    To forgiveis simplynot our

    policy

    Im diagonally parked

    Parallel Universe

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    IN MY NEXT LIFE IMGOING TO HAVE MORE

    MEMORY INSTALLED

    ITS LONELY AT THE

    TOP

    BUT YOU EAT BETTER

    Love Is GrandDivorce is a hundred grand

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    My Job Is So Secret even Idont Know What It Is

    THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

    Anyone know the URL?

    THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE

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    Seen it all, done it all,

    Of course youre faster,but Im driving in front of you

    Lord, Give Me PatienceBUT HURRY !

    Cant remember most of it

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    Pride is what we have.Vanity is what others have.

    The road to success isalways under construction

    W h e n Ev er y t h in g 's Co m in g

    Y ou r W a y ,

    Y o u 'r e In T h e W r o n g L a n e

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    If You Can ReadThisTHANK ATEACHER

    You can't have everything,where would you put it?

    The young know the rules.The old know the exceptions.

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    Cardiologist's diet:if it tastes good,

    spit it out.

    Insanity Is Hereditary -YOU GET IT FROM YOUR

    KIDS

    IF I SAVE TIME,WHEN DO I GET IT BACK?

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    Go on.Ill see you at thenext traffic light

    I Drive Way Too FastTo Worry About Cholesterol

    I have good brakes.Do you have GOOD

    Insurance?

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    I Intend To LiveForever.So Far, So Good.

    IF YOU CAN READ THIS,

    Ive Lost MyTrailer

    To do is to be Descartes

    To be is to do Voltaire

    Do be do be do -

    Sinatra

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    If At First you dontsucceed

    Put It Out For BetaTest

    I Dont Have An Attitude Problem.You Have A Perception Problem

    Old Programmers Never

    Die, They Just Give Up

    Their Resources

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    DrIvE LESSLIvE LONGer

    Lik e a bra

    I

    Su ort t i t s

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    I have collected this beautiful American Folklore, under the form ofaphorisms, from car plates, from various anonymous postings, fromexpressions heard in my discussions, from e-mails received, etc.

    Computer jokes, life taken upside-down, job related reflections, familyconnections, inside-outclichsof language, and so on.

    They are in a paradoxist style, or close, and full of humorThe Editor

    ISBN 1-59973-047-2

    53995>