ch 4: revising
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CHAPTER 4CHAPTER 4
Revising and Proofreading
Business Messages
Chapter 1, Slide 2Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
The Writing ProcessThe Writing Process
Chapter 4, Slide 3Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Improving content and sentence structure—may
involve adding, cutting, recasting
Improving content and sentence structure—may
involve adding, cutting, recasting
Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics
Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics
Proofreading
Revising
Chapter 1, Slide 4Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Memo Revised for Conciseness
Chapter 4, Slide 5Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Concise WordingConcise WordingConcise WordingConcise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.
Instead of this
We are of the opinion that
Please feel free to
In addition to the above
At this point in time
Despite the fact that
Try this
We think
Please
Also
Now
Although
Chapter 4, Slide 6Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
ClichésClichés
SlangSlang
JargonJargon
RedundantWords
RedundantWords FillersFillers
NeedlessAdverbs
NeedlessAdverbs
OutdatedExpressions
OutdatedExpressions
LongLead-Ins
LongLead-Ins
WordyPrepositional
Phrases
WordyPrepositional
Phrases
ConciseConciseWritingWriting
EliminatesEliminates
ConciseConciseWritingWriting
EliminatesEliminates
Chapter 4, Slide 7Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Wordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional Phrases
Instead of this
We don’t as a general rule cash personal checks.
Students in very few instances receive parking tickets.
She calls meetings on a monthly basis.
Try this
We don’t generally cash personal checks.
Students seldom get parking tickets.
She calls monthly meetings.
Chapter 4, Slide 8Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Long Lead-InsLong Lead-InsLong Lead-InsLong Lead-Ins
Instead of this
This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today.
I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.
Try this
All employees meet today.
Thanks to everyone who voted.
Chapter 4, Slide 9Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Outdated ExpressionsOutdated ExpressionsOutdated ExpressionsOutdated Expressions
Outdated
as per your request
pursuant to your request
attached hereunto
under separate cover
Modern
at your request
at your request
attached
separately
Chapter 4, Slide 10Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Needless AdverbsNeedless AdverbsNeedless AdverbsNeedless Adverbs
To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, and actually.
Try this
The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.
Instead of this
The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.
Chapter 4, Slide 11Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
FillersFillersFillersFillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space.
Instead of this
There are two employees who should be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored.
Try this
Two employees should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were honored.
Chapter 4, Slide 12Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Quick Check
Revise the following sentences to avoid a long lead-ins, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
We will probably finish in two weeks.
This e-mail message is to inform you that in all probability we will actually finish in two weeks.
There are many brokers who are quite certain that these stocks are completely safe.
Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.
Chapter 4, Slide 13Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Quick Check
Revise the following sentences to achieve conciseness.
As you requested, two contracts are attached.
Pursuant to your request, there are two contracts that are attached hereto.
All employees are hereby informed that as a general rule computers may not be used for activities that are personal.
Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.
Chapter 4, Slide 14Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Redundant WordsRedundant WordsRedundant WordsRedundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
Chapter 4, Slide 15Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
JargonJargonJargonJargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon
queue
export
bandwidth
Alternative language
list of documents waiting to be printed
transfer data from one program to another
Internet capacity
Is jargon ever permissible?
Chapter 4, Slide 16Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
SlangSlangSlangSlang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to “bag on”
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out
to tease, to nag, or to complain
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
Chapter 4, Slide 17Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
SlangSlangSlangSlang
An example from the world of Dilbert:
Chapter 4, Slide 18Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
ClichésClichésClichésClichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this
Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.
We had reached the end of our rope.
Try this
Finally, you should work diligently.
We could go no further.
Chapter 4, Slide 19Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Quick Check
Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.
Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1.
Chapter 4, Slide 20Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Quick Check
Revise the following sentences to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.
Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.
Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case.
With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.
Chapter 4, Slide 21Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
IncludesVivid
Adjectives
IncludesVivid
Adjectives
UsesConcrete
Nouns
UsesConcrete
Nouns
Avoids WordyVerb/Noun
Conversions
Avoids WordyVerb/Noun
Conversions
UsesPreciseVerbs
UsesPreciseVerbs
The BestThe BestBusinessBusinessWritingWriting
The BestThe BestBusinessBusinessWritingWriting
Chapter 4, Slide 22Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Precise VerbsPrecise VerbsPrecise VerbsPrecise Verbs
Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers forecasted improved sales.Market researchers promised improved sales.Market researchers predicted improved sales.
Market researchers said that sales would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?
Chapter 1, Slide 23Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Please contact theirsales rep today.
What more precise verbs could replace contact?
Please telephone their sales rep today.Please fax their sales rep today.Please e-mal their sales rep today.
Chapter 4, Slide 24Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Buried VerbsBuried VerbsBuried VerbsBuried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
Tip
Chapter 1, Slide 25Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Instead of thisThe manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.
A job seeker must make application before May 1.
Try thisThe manager realized that telecommuting made sense.
A job seeker must apply before May 1.
Chapter 1, Slide 26Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Instead of thisOnce we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow.
Please give serious consideration to a company intranet.
Try this
Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow.
Please seriously consider a company intranet.
Chapter 4, Slide 27Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Quick Check
Revise the following sentences by using more precise verbs or by centering the action in a verb.
The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax] you.
We must encourage our team.
The seller said he would contact you.
We must give encourage-ment to our team.
Consumers show a preference for buttered popcorn.
Consumers prefer buttered popcorn.
Chapter 4, Slide 28Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Quick Check
Revise the following sentences centering the action in the verb.
Please assess the home's value.
Please make an assessment of the home's value.
Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee.
Ann suggested that we hire Lee.
Chapter 4, Slide 29Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Concrete NounsConcrete NounsConcrete NounsConcrete Nouns
Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.
Instead of this
The man asked for a raise.
An employee presented a proposal.
Try this
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increasey.
Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hour.
Chapter 4, Slide 30Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Vivid AdjectivesVivid AdjectivesVivid AdjectivesVivid Adjectives
Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
The report was good.
The report was bad.
Try thisThe report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough).
Possible revisions?
Chapter 4, Slide 31Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
What to Watch for What to Watch for in Proofreadingin Proofreading
What to Watch for What to Watch for in Proofreadingin Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
Chapter 4, Slide 32Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Proofreading Marks
Chapter 4, Slide 33Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
Chapter 4, Slide 34Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
How to Proofread How to Proofread Complex DocumentsComplex Documents
Allow adequate time. Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed.
Chapter 1, Slide 35Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e
For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.
Spell names. Spell difficult words. Note capitalization. Note punctuation.