Chapter 20Chapter 20The Decision to MarryThe Decision to Marry

ObjectivesObjectives• Explain how your choice of a marriage partner

affects your life.

• Evaluate factors that should be considered before deciding to marry.

• Explain the purposes of the engagement period.

• Create ways to make the planning of a wedding go more smoothly.

Chapter Introduction ExerciseChapter Introduction Exercise

Complete Worksheet

Personal Philosophy of Marriage(35-40 minutes)

We will discuss as a class upon completion.

Look Before You LeapLook Before You Leap

““Until death do us part.”Until death do us part.”

Many couples enter marriage quipped Many couples enter marriage quipped only with hopes and dreams.only with hopes and dreams.

The knowledge needed to make this The knowledge needed to make this promise come true is often overlooked.promise come true is often overlooked.

DiscussDiscuss

What decisions that you make have a major impact on the direction your life takes?

Your marriage partner will have an effect on….

•your happiness

•your standard of living

•the way you spend your time

•what your children will be like

Say “I Do”Say “I Do”

•saying it only take a short time, but it commits your for a large portion of your

life

•when you marry, you must use your head not just your heart

Let’s talk about all the things you Let’s talk about all the things you need to think about.need to think about.

Examining Reasons for MarriageExamining Reasons for Marriage

The decision may be affected by circumstances and emotions that really have no place in the

decision.

Before you marry, examine the Before you marry, examine the reasons behind the decision:reasons behind the decision:

•the decision should be yours

•it should be based on love, commitment and careful thought

The AttractionThe AttractionWhat is it that brings a couple together in the

first place?

People who base a marriage People who base a marriage on physical attraction alone on physical attraction alone often end up with regrets.often end up with regrets.

Maturity LevelMaturity LevelImmaturity can be a stumbling block in a marriage.

**Age is a common gauge of maturity.****Age is a common gauge of maturity.**

•the younger you are, the less likely you are to be the younger you are, the less likely you are to be ready for the responsibilities of marriageready for the responsibilities of marriage

•you may not realize what you need in a lifetime you may not realize what you need in a lifetime partnerpartner

•the teens and early twenties are years of rapid changethe teens and early twenties are years of rapid change—the person you see at this age may be different when —the person you see at this age may be different when

maturity is reachedmaturity is reached

EducationEducation

In general, partners who have the same level of education have a better chance of success in marriage—they

are more likely to communicate on the same level.

Can you think of other reasons why?

Mutual InterestsMutual Interests•when couples have different interests, they can retain their separate identities

•many couples find that sharing at least some interest helps a marriage

Why is it important to discuss the interests of Why is it important to discuss the interests of your partner before you are married?your partner before you are married?

Qualities and HabitsQualities and Habits

Whether large or small, look at Whether large or small, look at the personal characteristics that the personal characteristics that

bother you.bother you.

CompatibilityCompatibility

compatibility: existing together in harmony

The way you get along now is an The way you get along now is an indicator of how you will get along indicator of how you will get along

later.later.

Any difficulties you see are likely to Any difficulties you see are likely to get WORSE, not better.get WORSE, not better.

ActivityActivityComplete WorksheetAre You Ready for

Marriage?(15-20 minutes)

ObjectivesObjectives

1. Evaluate factors that should be considered before deciding to marry.

ReviewReview

What is compatibility?

What are some good reasons to get married?

What does maturity level

have to do with getting married?

Is it important to share mutual interests with your spouse? Why or

why not?

Goals and DesiresGoals and Desires

•When goals and desires for the future clash, couples may have problems.

•Compromise

Find out what your spouse-to-be Find out what your spouse-to-be wants in life—if you are far apart wants in life—if you are far apart in your desires, think twice about in your desires, think twice about

marriage.marriage.

ConvictionsConvictionsconviction: something you believe strongly and take very seriously

•when one spouse feels deeply about an issue and the other disagrees, the chances for

conflict and misunderstanding rise sharply

•share your thoughts with a potential partner•you may find that the more differences you discover, the less interest you have in that

person as a life mate

ReligionReligion

interfaith marriage: partners come from different religion

Partners who worship in the same faith on a regular basis have similar religious convictions and

the lowest breakup faith.

•the sharper the religious differences, the greater the chances for problems

•some may decide to convert

•some decide to follow the customs of both religions in the home

FamilyFamily

The family of your future spouse is very important.

•it offers clues to what your life may be like

•compatibility with a future partner’s family

ActivityActivity

Complete Activity Worksheet

Is This Relationship Right?

(10 minutes)

ActivityActivity

Complete Worksheet

Before the Knot is Tied(10 minutes)

Pop QuizPop Quiz1. T/F Age is often a common gauge of maturity.2. T/F When you marry, you must use your head

not just your heart.3. A(n) ___ marriage is when partner come from

different religions.4. T/F Your marriage partner has no effect on the

direction your life takes.5. ___ is existing together in harmony.

ObjectiveObjective

1. Evaluate factors that should be considered before deciding to marry.

ReviewReview

Why is examining the family of your future spouse important?

What is an interfaith marriage? What

challenges can this type of marriage create?

Is it important to have similar

convictions as your mate?

FriendsFriendsWhen you marry someone, you get more than just the individual—you get your

partner’s friends.

Friends need not, even should not, be given up for marriage.

How do you deal with your partner not liking one of your friends?

ChildrenChildren

Discussions about children should take place before marriage.

Ask…

•do you want?

•how many?

Interracial MarriagesInterracial Marriagesinterracial marriage: when people of different races fall in love and marry

ChallengesChallenges•in general, society has been slow to accept,

particularly black-white couples—this attitude is based on prejudice

•children in such marriages must deal with feelings about their identities and the negative attitudes of some

people

Solutions

•strong families

Different NationalitiesDifferent NationalitiesTravel and study in other countries is more

common today—the result is increased opportunities for people of different

nationalities to fall in love.•traditions

•lifestyles

•food preferences

MAY NOT BE THE SAME

People in these marriages must adjust to having families distanced by the miles.

Role ExpectationsRole Expectations•men and women once had specific gender-related men and women once had specific gender-related

responsibilitiesresponsibilities

•today both men and women do jobs that were once today both men and women do jobs that were once clearly dividedclearly divided

When talking with a future spouse about roles, explore topics like these:

•Who should be employed in the family and when?

•As a couple, how will you handle housework, cooking and home maintenance?

•How will finances be handled?

•If you have children, who will care for them?

Parental Input Parental Input Sometimes parents have reservations about the partner their child has selected. Although it may not be easy,

this is a good time to listen.

Parents have:•your best interests in mind

•the perspective of experience

•may see what you have not

Be willing to value their opinions and discuss Be willing to value their opinions and discuss the situation with them.the situation with them.

CounselingCounseling

When in doubt—GET HELP!!!

If you are not sure about the partner you have chosen, you may

need the unbiased, but trained, input of a third party.

Putting It All TogetherPutting It All Together

Married people usually do their best to Married people usually do their best to make it work.make it work.

In the beginning…..•partners may be more willing to give up certain

desires

•partners may be more tolerant

WATCH OUT—in time, differences have a way of WATCH OUT—in time, differences have a way of surfacing!surfacing!

Putting It All TogetherPutting It All Together

By making an effort to get to know the other person

BEFORE you marry, you can find out whether

marriage is right for you!

The WeddingThe Wedding

•can range from simple services to extravagant ceremonies

•getting agreement on all the details is not always easy—start making arrangements

early

•set a budget

•carefully plan the many details (see The Wedding Checklist hand out)