Chapter 22Divorce and Remarriage

Divorce HistoryIncreased divorce rates in

recent decades have been experienced not only by the United States but by other industrialized countries as well.

Divorce does not carry as much social disapproval today than in the earlier part of this century.

Divorce is more common today than it was earlier in this century.

Divorce/Remarriage StatisticsApproximately one-third of all weddings in

America today form stepfamilies One-third of individuals who got divorced in

2008 were redivorcing, that is, divorcing again60% of second marriages and 73% of third

marriages end in divorce42% of adults have a steprelationship--either a

stepparent, a step or half sibling, or a stepchild. This translates to 95.5 million adults.

13% of adults are stepparents (29-30 million); 15% of men are stepdads (16.5 million) and 12% of women are stepmoms (14 million).

Different Types of DivorceContested Divorce – Divorce in which

one party files for divorce and the other party files an answer and tries to prove no grounds exist or files a summons and complaint against the other spouse.

Non-contested Divorce – Divorce in which both parties agree to the divorce.

Enoch Arden Divorce – Divorce that may be granted if a married person disappears for a stated period of time and it can be determined that an effort was made to locate that person.

No-Fault DivorceBefore the latter decades of the 20th

century, a spouse seeking divorce had to show cause and even then might not be able to obtain a divorce.

The legalization of no-fault divorce in the United States began in 1969 in California, and was completed in 2010, with New York being the last of the fifty states to legalize it

However, most states still require some waiting period before a divorce, typically a 1– to 2–year separation.

The FactsIncompatibility

as grounds for divorce means two spouses are unable to live together.

A large majority of divorces are not contested.

Divorce Around the WorldPresumably due to the influence of the

Roman Catholic Church, divorce became legal in Brazil only in 1977.

The French Civil code (modified on January 1, 2005), permits divorce for 4 different reasons; mutual consent (which comprises over 60% of all divorces); acceptance; separation of 2 years; and due to the 'fault' of one partner (accounting for most of the other 40%).

Divorce TermsSummons – Means by which the

defendant is notified that a divorce action has been brought against him or her.

Annulment – Legal termination of a marriage relationship in which the court rules that the couple were never legally married.

Legal Separation – Legal agreement made by marriage partners to live apart.

Grounds for AnnulmentCommon grounds for

annulment:◦Concealment of

disease◦Financial

misrepresentation◦Concealment of a

previous marriage or divorce

◦Marital infidelity

The FactsMost Americans believe

that it is correct for unhappy married couples to divorce.

No-fault divorce eliminates the need for proving one partner guilty.

Under some circumstances, children of annulled marriages may be considered legally illegitimate and may lose their right to inheritance.

Divorce TermsChild Support – Money that one

separated or divorced parent pays the other parent to support the couple’s children until the children reach the age of 18.

Community Property – Any property acquired through the labors of either spouse during their marriage.

Divorce TermsSeparate Property – Property that

can be positively shown to have been owned prior to marriage or acquired during marriage by gift or inheritance and retained separately.

Insupportability – Inability of the couple to support a continuing relationship of marriage.

Desertion - Refers to abandonment of the marital partner.

Social View of DivorceMost social scientists believe the divorce

rate in the United States is higher today than it was early in this century because:◦The success of a marriage today is viewed

more in terms of personal happiness than it was early in this century.

◦The social stigma attached to divorce has decreased in recent decades.

◦Opportunities for women to become financially sufficient in careers outside the home have increased in recent decades.

Why A Divorce May Happen

A divorce can be granted on the following grounds:◦Incompatibility◦Separation (living

apart for a specified time).

◦Alcohol or drug addiction

◦Desertion ◦Abuse◦Cheating

Predictors of DivorceThe following

are predictors of divorce:◦Age (16-21

years of age)◦Low Income◦Parents who

have divorced◦The 4

Horsemen

The 4 Horsemen of DivorceDr. John Gottman at the University of

Washington has done extensive research on what causes marriages to work.

He and his team have also arrived at some important conclusions as to what causes divorce.

From their research, they have found four predictors of divorce.

Based on these four factors, which they call "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," they can predict with more than a 90% accuracy who will divorce.

The 4 Horsemen of DivorceThe four predictors

are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Even though any of these issues could be present in any marriage at some point, it is the accumulation of these problems that warrants danger.

CriticismCriticism - Losing the positive

mental attitude toward your spouse and developing a critical spirit.

All of us see problems in our spouse, but we must also see the good and keep the disciplines of thanks, praise and complimenting one another alive and well.

Without this, criticism is inevitable and dangerous.

DefensivenessDefensiveness - Not allowing

your spouse the right to complain.

All of us are imperfect and need the input and perspective of our spouses.

When we won’t allow our spouses the opportunity to complain, it bottles up anger in the relationship and also implies that our spouses are the cause of the problems.

ContemptContempt - Long term anger that

hasn’t been dealt with properly causes bitterness, lost passion and a contempt for others.

When you haven’t forgiven your spouse for something they’ve done, contempt is inevitable.

Contempt is often expressed through name-calling, cursing, verbal abuse and rejection.

StonewallingStonewalling - Refusing to

participate in a civil discussion of an issue or issues so they can be resolved.

This can be demonstrated through obstinance, silence or a long term refusal to yield on a subject.

Stonewalling is a very dangerous trait because it emotionally abandons your spouse and leaves problems unresolved.

Tips for Preventing DivorceI will leave you with four disciplines that

provide a solid foundation for lasting success in marriage.◦Stay positive and compliment each other every

day.◦Be humble and approachable. Let your spouse

say how they feel without paying a price.◦Forgive every day. Don’t let your heart become

hard or your spirit become bitter.◦Stay committed to your spouse and your

marriage. Never go to bed on anger or stonewall on an issue. Even if you need to cool off for a while — come back and talk things out.

AlimonyAlimony – Money paid by the

primary wage earner to the other marriage partner during and after a divorce.

Rehabilitative Alimony - Refers to temporary support provided by one former spouse to enable the other former spouse to update or upgrade his or her job skills and ability to earn a living.

How much will one get?Alimony is

determined by the following situations:◦The couple’s

standard of living.

◦The primary wage earner’s income.

Children grieving in divorceDenial – Children feel the need

to believe that their parents will get back together or they will change their mind about the divorce. ◦Example: “Mom or Dad will change

their mind”Anger – Children feel the need to

blame someone for their sadness and loss. ◦Example: “I hate dad for leaving us”

Children grieving in divorceBargaining - In this stage,

children feel as if they have some say in the situation if they bring a bargain to the table. This helps them keep focused on the positive that the situation might change and less focused on the negative, the sadness they’ll experience after the divorce. ◦Example: “If I do all of my chores

maybe Mom won’t leave Dad”

Children grieving in divorceDepression - This involves the child

experiencing sadness when they know there is nothing else to be done and they realize they cannot stop the divorce. The parents need to let the child experience this process of grieving because if they do not it will only show their inability to cope with the situation. ◦Example: “I’m sorry that I cannot fix this

situation for you.”

Children grieving in divorceAcceptance – This does not

necessarily mean that the child is completely happy again. The acceptance is just moving past the depression and starting to accept the divorce. The sooner the parents start to move on from the situation the sooner the kids can begin to accept the reality of it.

From a Child’s Point of View

A toddler will not understand as much as a 5-year old understands, etc.

Studies show that children experience the greatest impact from divorce within two or three years of it’s occurrence.

At each age, there are certain feelings and reactions that children will experience.

Infants and Toddlers

Infants Toddlers

Infants do not understand anything about separation or divorce, but they do notice changes in their parent’s responses to them.

Infants may experience changes in their eating or sleeping patterns.

Parents should try to keep a normal routine.

Toddlers understand that one parent no longer lives at home, although they don’t know why.

Toddlers cry more and become clingy.

Parents can provide nurturing and reassurance.

Preschoolers and Elementary School Children

Preschoolers Elementary School ChildrenPreschoolers still don’t

understand what separation or divorce means, but they know their parents are angry and upset, and they live apart.

Preschoolers feel a sense of loss and sorrow.

Parents can tell their child that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Elementary children believe that their parents don’t love each other and know they won’t be living together any longer.

Elementary school children feel deceived.

Parents can encourage their child to talk about the divorce with them, relatives, or family friends.

Preteens and AdolescentsPreteens and adolescents

understand, but usually do not accept, separation or divorce.

Preteens and adolescents often become very angry.

They may feel disillusioned, betrayed, or rejected by one or both of their parents,.

They may lose trust in relationships in general.

Preteens and AdolescentsThey may become depressed or

withdrawn, or may threaten suicide.

Parents can give their children time to discuss their feelings.

They can follow established routines as much as possible.

Parents can continue to monitor their children’s activities: where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re with.

The End is Here!