chapter 22 forsake

8/14/2019 Chapter 22 Forsake

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22

What To Do With Felix Tomao

Its the start of November 1946, and Felix, his parents, and cousin,

Pepe, are exchanging stories with me about life in the province and how

the war affected the people.

They seem nice, but I sense they may have second thoughts about

me. I appreciate their thoughtfulness though and thank them for

treating me to dinner at this Chinese restaurant.

Afterwards, we see a movie at the theater about the battle in Bataan.

I guess some people dont mind seeing it again and again. I dont enjoy

it but keep my opinion to myself. It wouldnt he right to force my ways

onto anyone else.

After they drop me home, Felix tells his parents hed like to visit

with me a while.

Fine, they say and head back to the apartment with his cousin.

Then on the porch, Felix thanks me for going to dinner and being

who lam with his folks.

Youre welcome, I dont know much about entertaining since its

been some time ago that I witnessed my mother serve guests and make

conversation.


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He nods. Whoever your mother was, she was a real lady.

She was a lady, I agree, I could never ask for a better mother. I

thank God for the way my uncle took care of me from birth, too. You

know, I could have died out in the field where I was born or later as

many babies do. But Im still here.

Felix agrees that Gods been taking care of me and says hell return

after his parents leave.

Thats fine. They came all this way to see you.

Next he asks politely for a piece of thread. So after I fetch him one,

he asks to see how big my finger is.

I extend one hand but wonder why he wants to know the size of my

finger.

No, I need your left hand.

So Im slow to open that one.

After he ties the string around the finger next to my little pinkie, he

says. Thank you.

Im ashamed to ask why he did that.

Then he puts the knotted thread in his pocket. Thank you very

much. The President needs me to fly him to another island tomorrow,

but Ill see you after my parents leave.

As I prepare for bed, the girls ask me all kinds of questions like how


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dinner went with Felix parents, and do they like me.

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They seem nice as far as I could see. But theyll be here another

week, so Felix wont come back until theyve gone.

Goodie! they say, We can go downtown after payday this

weekend to buy material.

I think to myself that I could stand another dress. But Ill have to

find a picture in a newspaper or catalogue to show the dressmaker how

Id like it to look.

>

We brought our material in yesterday, and the dressmaker already

has our dresses completed today. To my surprise, she made mine

exactly like the picture.

When she asks if she can borrow my picture to make a dress for

herself in another color, I tell her to keep it since mine turned out so

fine.

Whenever we want a dress made, she charges us two dollars and

fifty-cents worth in pesos.

For some people in the city thats a lot of money, but I only earn

seventy pesos a month myself. Its more than a Staff Sergeant in the

Philippine Scouts gets paid. Then again, I do many extra things. Often


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when people entertain within the compound, they ask me to cook and

serve since theyve heard I can do that. Its how I make extra money on

the side.

>

I promised Id visit Roman, but hes asleep when I arrive. So I stick

around, hoping hell wake soon for me to say Hello.

Once he does, I can tell hes getting worse. He smiles and says,

Im happy to see you. I hope youre doing fine.

Quite well. Im doing more work for other people now. I earn extra

pay cooking for their parties, so thank you for getting me the job.

Without you, Id still be working for your sister.

Hes quite happy to see Im finally on my way.

Im afraid Roman is another wholl die shortly since Ive never seen

anyone live long with tuberculosis. They just seem to wither away. Im

visiting with Aunt Mary and little Vicki, too. And I see the babys

learned to sit up and stand a little now.

Linas happy to see me but must leave for work.

So I walk with her. Then from the restaurant, I take the bus back to

Harrison Boulevard where we live in Pasay.

Upon my return, I see the girls have gone out. Being somewhat

tired, I take my shower. Then I go to bed. Its only six-thirty, yet Ill


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probably be asleep by the time the girls get back. I lie thanking God for

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It seems everyone whos

feet is gone or dying away. But I thank Him for His provision and

protection.

There are many frightening things people can become involved in, here

in the city. I just realize that some people in this building arent living

Two girls on the other end of the house do awful things such as

selling their bodies to survive.

instead? Then some

Its shameful to see them that way.

>

here to see me. Hes brought a bag of mangoes, grapes, and lancones

I favor the round, furry lancones. Theyre good eating despite all the

He wants to speak with me on the porch instead of going out.

So I ask how his parents enjoyed their visit.

Pepe, and

appreciated meeting me. Ive got something for you, he says. I

from his pocket and hands it to me. I hope youll wear this ring for

me. At least Ill feel Im welcome in your life.

Why should he do this? There are girls more worthy


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He pleads for me to wear his ring, so he wont feel rejected. Id like

to know someones in my life and that Im welcome to visit you. At

Now hes getting a little too serious with this whole matter. I dont

have feelings for you.

see you whenever I can. Soon youll realize I love you. Then maybe

youll learn to love me, too. I dont expect you to feel love for me right

You like to think about things a while before you make up your mind.

I respect and admire you deeply for not answering right away

to be considerate of you, so Ill do the best I know to be the kind of guy

you think I ought to be for a girl.

As long as he feels this way, we can continue being friends. I know

what youre talking about, but Id rather take time to think since my

moms not here to advise me. I have to rely on the good Lord to direct

me since Im not sure what life is about to have a boyfriend. Its a relief

to know you dont pressure me. Since this sounds like a commitment

for the future, I dont know whether I want to get into it or not. Youre

older and know more things, so I appreciate your patience.

I tell him that I dont think I want to wear his ring, but if its all

right Ill just keep it a while. Then maybe after I decide, Ill put it on.

Its beautiful and expensive. I saw one like it in the jewelry store when

the girls and I went browsing. I know how much you paid for it and


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dont want to lose it, so I can return it if something comes up. Anyway,

if you dont mind, Ill keep it safe until I think more clearly about the

whole thing.

He realizes hes moved a little fast on me. I should have

understood but was eager to buy you this ring to wear. The sooner

youre able, it will show the other girls I belong to you. Then they wont

get the idea I have my eye on them, too.

Its a good thing its Friday night. Weve been sitting here two

hours with the others still playing cards in the kitchen.

Felix mentions how the President must go to another other island in

a few weeks. He needs me to fly him to a vacation area to meet with

his Cabinet. I just hope we dont have to stay long.

>

A week has passed since Felix left for their trip. So some evenings, I

open this little box to look at his ring. For some reason, I just dont

have the courage to put it on. But I promised him Id keep it in a safe

place since I dont want to lose it.

I do remember his saying he hopes to be back before this coming

holiday weekend. He wishes us to spend Thanksgiving together. Maybe

we could all go out to dinner.

The girls tease me now and then. Since Felix hasnt come around,


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they say he might not be back. Theyre unaware he left his ring with

me, but when they tease me, I dont say anything. I just chuckle within

myself. Little do they know.

Hedy even says, You should have been nicer to him than what

youve been doing.

How much nicer can I get? I shake hands to greet him and again

when he leaves.

They think Im a little dumb.

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Well, thats okay. I guess its all right to play dumb once in a

while.

coming back.

They dont know what I have in my possession, but one day I just

relationships that personally, I think, stink.

I let it go and head to the room since theyre playing cards again.

take to the dressmaker with more material. The way the girls are going,

thick.

Hedys planning to visit her family again, but she might take her

Its no big deal. Maybe Ill see how Romans doing. I might even

hang around Yolanda will

be up to, but at least Ill get to see Vicki. I cant really shop for


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Each day we must buy fresh at

the tiny grocery store nearby what little food we need. Except dry rice.

Since Friday will be here before we know it Id like to look up the

girls who arrived from the province with

their addresses but will have to ask directions. I suppose Mary, Cincia,

t

harmonize with their hanging around their boyfriends. We cant do like

the guys, and Im just not interested in boys at this point.

I think of Felix and feel sorry. Heres a guy falling deeply in love

come to the point hes talking about. But I thank God .for such a

person. People God sends my way have been true friends who accept me

Why do the girls have to nag? They ask if somethings wrong with

Im too young to get hung up with boys, I say, My thoughts are

still on how to survive. I know theyre entirely different from me so I

about boys.

Its midday on Friday, and theres still a few hours before I get off

work.

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will be meeting their boyfriends. Anyway, I have much to finish before

Im through. My bosses have lots of drawings and such things they

bring to the apartment that must to be in place after I clean. Once Im


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out of here, they wont be able to ask me where anythings at until

Monday.

While Im hanging clothes out to dry at the back of the apartment, I

meet another girl whos sweeping the entrance next door.

Shes from Visayan Island and seems nice. I only live about a

block from here.

Im happy to meet Celing, the new girl in the compound. It seems

her boss goes out on Saturdays, so she must baby-sit the two preschool

children that day, too. She even fixes their beds and everything the

same as weekdays.

Its about time for me to make sure everything is in place here when

Hedy drops by. Shes headed for the gate where her boyfriend is

waiting.

So I take the bus home to find the place empty. I guess everyone

went somewhere after work again. Since Im here alone, I clean up the

room and sit to pull the ring out again. But each time I look at it, I get

more nervous because its expensive. I feel sorry for Felix and wish he

had someone other than myself I dont know when Ill be crazy about

boys, and hell need a lot of patience for me to reach that point.

I hope the girls wont come home scrambling tonight. They get to

shuffling around and dont know when to quit. I dont want people


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touching my stuff I like them tucked neatly in my corner. But it seems

Im the only one who cleans since they usually have dresses hanging all

around. I want mine neatly folded in my box. Maybe one day I can get

a trunk to replace this box.

>

Its Saturday, and Im on my way to visit the Aspectos. The girls are

waiting for their boyfriends to visit anyway, so Im glad I wont be there.

They just get awfully rowdy sometimes. I like quietness whenever

possible.

When I reach the house, the whole family is home. Even Mr.

Aspecto. Roman is still quite sick. But Lina isnt working today, so she

thinks we can all go to the movies.

Id like to be back to the apartment before dark, so we decide to go to

the theater right after lunch. Once were there, the show is an American

film, called Hamlet. We really dont watch much though since we talk

half the time.

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I know some people around are annoyed because theyre moving up

to the balcony.

Later, we eat chop suey at the restaurant where Lina works. Then

instead of catching the bus from there, I take the one near their house.


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Its only six oclock when I get home, but the girls are gone again.

So I sit and look at the ring. Im here on my cot when I hear the front

door opening and think its some other tenants coming up the steps.

Then our door swings wide, and the girls come in. Right away,

Hedy asks, Whatcha got?

Nothing. Of course its a lie. I dont want them to see the ring,

and I cover it up.

Did somebody give you something? The people you visited--are

they okay?

Romans still not well, but the rest of us went to the movie house.

Where did you go? What time? We were there and didnt see

you.

Its not my fault you didnt see me. I didnt see you either.

Theyre frustrated that they didnt see me there.

I had no control over whether they could see me, so I think theyre

ridiculous. Why they concern themselves as to whether I was there, Ill

never know. Theyre so occupied with their boyfriends anyway.

Maybe next time we can all go together, I suggest, its nice not to

have bed bugs in that theater. I dont tell them what I saw because

theyve seen the same show.

They want to go back again.


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Another Hamlet? Why?

>

Our boyfriends are coming to church with us. The girls want me

to walk with all of them since were not far away.

I agree, but after we set out, I end up walking by myself. Its okay

though. Sometimes I walk ahead. Sometimes they walk ahead of me

also. Were all walking together except like strangers. So this is how it

is now that theyre involved with boyfriends.

Theyre talking about going along the seawall after church to have a

hamburger at that stand.

As for me, Ill just head home and hibernate.

But immediately after the service, they come back to the house to slip

out of high heels into walking shoes.

Im thinking of sticking around home but soon realize, Felix is up

the stairs knocking on our door. He told me that he returned last night

but didnt drop by because it was late.

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The girls tell him they plan to go for hamburgers for lunch.

So he says to me, If you want to go, well go.

We do end up eating together, and the girls decide well sit on the

seawall afterwards. We watch the water splash back and forth when a


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voice calls out.

Hey! you guys, what are you doing here? Its Felix cousin

standing behind us. We tell him what weve been up to, and he asks if

well go for ice cream with him.

The rest of the gang says its a good idea. So we all sit and order

from the ice-cream shop nearby on Dewey Boulevard.

This time, I tell Pepe he can come see where we live.

So he accepts, and when we get home, we all talk on the porch about

the following weekend being an American holiday.

Since it will be Thanksgiving Day, the girls ask if we all might do

something together. Theres a nice park in Tagaytay, high on a hill

where we can spend the day looking over the ocean. People go to relax

and be themselves. Theres lots of coconut trees and benches set up

around. A person can see quite a distance from up there. Even though

we dont celebrate Thanksgiving in depth here, we could do that and

maybe go to a restaurant for dinner.

At this point, Felix cousin offers to go with us. It might be nice.

Ive never been there.

Then Felix quietly asks if I will wear his ring that day.

I suppose Ive put him off long enough. But its not easy for me to

wear it since I dont have feelings for him. I might appear a hypocrite


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to show he belongs to me and I to him. As far as feelings go, theres

just nothing there.

>

Were here in this nice park, and I threaten to climb one of the

coconut trees.

Felix begs me not to. He feels bad, thinking I really want a coconut

to drink the juice. So he asks someone from the park to consider

climbing one tree to fetch me a young fruit.

I think its funny because I would have shown them all how I can

climb. But since he asked me politely not to, I wont disappoint him.

The others cheer me on to climb the tree if I dare.

I dont think theres harm in it since I have all the equipment I need

Im wearing my pantaloons under my dress, so I wouldnt be showing

anything to the people down below.

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But

on a bench.

Pepe is speaking with him about his schedule of going to school

day and working nights.

Then when the time comes, we decide to buy

park since we wont get back to the city until late in the afternoon. Even


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then, well need to catch a small empty bus for the nine of us.

many smaller islands we can spot out in the ocean. We can almost see

way out to

be fun to take one of the boats out there. Then we realize it might not be

a good idea to go this soon. There was quite a bit of fighting on that

cave somewhere?

Were just talking about exploring the little islands. Wed have to

anyway.

Then Felix asks if Ill wear his ring. Hes

he gave it to me, but I didnt have the heart to do it.

This time I agree and slip it on in the presence of his cousin before

it on my finger, and Im wondering why theyre both clapping and

saying,

What are you all doing? The others assume something exciting is

going on and want to know about it.

Then, to my embarrassment, I hold out my hand to show the ring.

Oh! the girls cry, thats very expensive. Did he give it to you

No, Ive had it a while. I just didnt want to put it on.

So you finally started thinking,

No, my mind hasnt changed. I still think the same as before.

Now theyre all disgusted with me.


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want to be left alone.

You only say that because you really wanted that ring on your

I ignore them, but back at the apartment, the girls are so rowdy.

They keep teasing about my ring.

it go.

dont feel anything for the person?

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This is the first time I hear from Carmen since seeing her in

Pangasinan. Apparently, shes returned to Ilagan, doing fine, and has

been seeing a boy she met. They plan to marry next year.

I love her as a sister and wish her the best. I just hope shes

marrying a nice guy who will take care of her. Anyway, shell let me

know when the wedding takes place and hopes Ill be able to attend.

So Ill be planning ahead for that.

Her uncle and his wife will give her the wedding since they want to

be sure its a nice one.

I hope shes not rushing into anything and want her to have a good

life. Id really like to go, but sometimes its difficult with living so far

away. But by Gods grace, I hope to be there. I surely miss her, and it

would be a thrill to see her again.

>


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I found one of the girls who came to Manila when I did.

Shes thrilled to see me since she hardly gets time off from working

for this big family. Therere five children, so she does all their laundry,

ironing, and housecleaning. She also helps with marketing and

cooking. With chores, she doesnt see anyone except friends of these

people. So she doesnt know anyone close to her own age to visit. But I

hope we can see each other as she's suggesting because shes lonely,

too.

She tells me one other girl, who came down here with us, already

returned to the province. She worked to repay the expense of her trip

here and some extra to earn money to go back home. She didnt like the

city, so we wont be seeing her.

I hope the third girl, Maria, is still around Maybe in the next week

or so I can look for her. She's more toward the northeast side of the

city. I hope shes okay. I've thought of these girls often, but its not

their fault I havent seen them. Its just as much my fault, too.

>

I found Maria, but she plans to return home after the first of the New

Year to marry a boy she knows. Her sisters and brothers are back there,

so it wont be difficult for her to leave.

Im happy for her and wish her the best.


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Its nice for all these girls to be able to be reunited with their

families.

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Im just doing what I can to survive, but its hard to live alone.

Trying to care for myself and thinking on each day to come isnt

something I can easily ignore. I also think of Mom often and struggle

not to become depressed. I need her advice. Life seems more

complicated and serious, as I grow older. There are more demands on

my friends and me. What do we do if we lose our job? How do we

maintain? I hope I dont get carried away with the habit of spending all

the money like the others. Id like to be able to save some.

Another matter is my cot. Its getting wobbly from the girls sitting

on it so often. Im afraid Ill have to get another one since theres no

room for a bed That is, unless I were to rent a room somewhere by

myself. I only pay five dollars a month now, and alone I'd have to pay

twenty dollars each month. But I dont think some of what the girls do

is nice, so maybe another room will come available for me in this

building.

Why do they want their boyfriends in our room to begin with? The

times Ive come home from work to discover some of them was

upsetting. What they do doesnt look healthy, and I disagree with it.


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Hedy's just as wild, so I cant depend on her to defend my beliefs. I

guess they can think what they want, but I dont want to be seeing that

kind of thing.

Now that Ive seen the other girls across town, I think more of

Carmens plans to marry. I sure would like to celebrate her happiness

when the day arrives. I suppose now it gives me an excuse to save

money for travel to the province.

Ill let my bosses know Id like to attend her wedding next year.

That way, they can find a substitute if they want while Im gone.

>

Ive met a girl who tells me shes going to become a nun at the

convent.

Shed like me to visit her there since ladies and girls are allowed.

Who knows? Maybe youll like that kind of life also.

I say it might be a nice idea. Maybe I would want to do that.

Shell quit her job to study to be a nun, so maybe I can visit to see

the kind of things they do at the convent.

I suppose being a nun isnt so bad. I could at least see what they do.

Many things are a bit wild for my thinking here in the city and scare me.

So perhaps Ill consider returning to the province where life is more

simple.


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>

Its now Friday and payday. This is another challenge--figuring out

whats needed for my groceries, rent, and bus rides. Im thinking more

seriously about life because I cant just work, be paid, then spend all my

earnings. Its different from living in the country. But it appears I still

have five dollars left over to save even if I were to rent a room by myself.

So thank God I can manage with what Im getting right now.

I also think of what Id need for my own room. Maybe I can buy a

piece of furniture from time to time. I should consider a chair to sit on

and bedding for my cot. The girls sleep on theirs with nothing under

them, but its too naked for me. I need a sheet on top and also

underneath.

I suppose everyone's gone on dates with me here alone in the

apartment. At least I have a moment to think. Its hard to do that while

everyone is yacking and clowning around the place. Im quietly

thanking God for all He does in my life. I know if Mom were alive, Id

still behave as she taught me. Even without much teaching in our

church back home, we knew God isnt pleased when his people do

something wrong--when they sin. So I want to live a pure life for Him.

After thinking a while, I go to boil rice but see some other women


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have the kitchen tied up. Since the girls arent here, I may walk down

the street to see what fresh vegetables, meat, or fish the old lady has to

sell. She often cooks in her little store for people as myself who work

and want something to eat without fixing it themselves.

Before the girls became involved, we used to plan to make things for

supper. We dont do it anymore because they go places after work with

their boyfriends. More often, the young men wait for them at the

Embassys gate during the workweek. Thats okay. I can manage myself

Its hard though because the girls often barge in, expecting something

ready for them to eat. But as long as they dont inform me of their

plans, Ill leave them to their own.

The women in the kitchen ask, Where are your buddies?

I think theyre out. The one is trying to be friendly, but I dont

care to become close with her since she earns her living selling herself.

I dont want to be involved around that. Im going to the market, I

say and leave her cooking for her company.

The old woman has a free corner in her store, so I sit and eat my

supper. Then I buy a cake of soap and take it back to the apartment.

Once I tidy up my side of the room, I wash my few pieces of laundry.

The girls tell me Im laundry crazy because I seem to wash my

clothes all the time. I can see why they say that since they manage to


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180

wear their dresses five to six limes before washing. They just pack them

back in the box and change into another one each day.

I cant see putting my dress away dirty, so I wash them before

packing them in the box. I dont know how they stand to smell

themselves. They dont realize they have a problem and ought to wash

their clothes every day. Id rather be a wash fanatic than dirty. Thats

the way Ive been raised, so I guess its habit for me. A clean habit.

Im self-conscious as it is without going around worrying about how

I look and smell. Well, enough criticism.

The girls arent home yet, and that lady across the hall is getting

louder with her company. I think the landlord downstairs is growing

perturbed with her about making such a racket. It sounds as if theyre

trying to put their children to bed down there. Everything can be heard

in this place since the walls and floors are paper-thin. Even voices

speaking.

Whatever that couple is doing across the hall--theyre laughing

loudly and dropping things on the floor. I wouldnt be surprised if she

gets kicked out since she's the loudest woman in this place. Every time

someones there with her, she forever drops things on the floor.

Im lying here thanking God for another night to rest. I dont like


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what I am experiencing, living in the city. There's too much pressure.

Maybe after I go to Carmens wedding, I can make my decision. I might

go back home as a lot of girls are doing. I will see.

>

The girls stayed up late last night, so its the first time they arent

attending church. I can just go by myself since theyre sound asleep. It

seems as if were getting away from things we started out doing together

any way. Theyre dropping off.

I thank God Im able to go even though I dont understand what the

priest is preaching in Latin. But I feel closer to God when Im in

church. I feel close to Him even when Im not there, but it seems like the

right thing to do on Sundays--go to church.

>

One boy from a neighborhood gang is walking past and says, Hi,

Florence. He lives with four other gangsters behind our house. But

from what Ive seen, theyre nice as long as were nice to them. Im not

scared since they only try to protect the area.

Now that hes gone on, Im tired of sitting on the porch. But theres

no space left in the kitchen with the girls and their boyfriends in there.

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Im thinking of going to the room when I see Felix cousin come up the


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walk. I wonder what hes up to.

Hi, how are you? he asks from the ground below. You dont mind

if I visit with you, do you? Its kind of lonely by myself at the

apartment.

I suppose its okay.

Pepe then carries up fruit he bought from the market. I think Ill go

to visit my folks soon for Christmas, hes saying, With school and my

job, I dont have time to get out there except over holidays. I hope you

dont mind my coming, but I got bored at home.

I dont mind.

My parents are growing old, and my sisters thinking of marrying

soon--have you ever eaten lechone?

Yes, many times we roasted pig back on the plantation. Usually

when something special was going on or when visitors came. Also,

once a year, my mom remembered the dates her mother or father passed

away and would slaughter an animal for the whole village to share. We

prepared food for them all and anyone else who wanted to join in.

Pepe and I talk about our different villages before he reveals his true

name. My given name is Thomas Tomao, but everyone calls me Pepe.

Well, I just wanted to drop by, so I ought to go.

I thank him and head indoors only to hear the girls tease me about


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not hearing from Felix.

Theyre also saying Pepe is interested in me, too. Why else would he

come around?

Youre crazy, I say, thats Felix cousin.

Of course theres no way for Felix to communicate because

telephones arent available.

>

The dressmaker has made another dress for me, and its nice

looking, I might say. Perhaps Ill save it for a special occasion. I look

at the calendar, and notice it will be only a few more weeks until

Christmas. My, this year has gone by quicker than I realized.

With the end of the year upon us, I think back to the many times we

could have been killed. But thank God Im here today. Without the

Lord, I dont think I could have made it through much of what I faced

the past year. Im grateful He guides my footsteps.

So it will be another week before I can visit the Aspectos. We in the

Philippines dont celebrate the holiday the way some other countries

might do, but we have something special to eat if we can afford it.

Other than that, not many people exchange gifts. We only celebrate

Christmas day to acknowledge Jesus Christ birth.

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We know that Jesus was born long ago--were told he came to die for

peoples sins.

So I hope to someday know more of Him. With what Ive heard

mentioned from time and time, Im curious enough to learn more about

Him. I hope and pray for that opportunity.

>

Its so hot, and Lourdes and I are on the porch saying we might

stroll the seawall.

Then at that moment Felix walks up.

So we shake hands. And he describes how rough his plane flight

was with much rain during the return from the Presidents vacation.

I'm guessing hell be around through Christmas holiday. Then I

mention his cousins visit.

Ive already learned of that, he returns. Apparently, Felix laughed

it off but told Pepe it was time he looked for a girl if he wants someone

to visit. When Pepe asked Felix if he is jealous about his visit, Felix

said, Im not jealous. You just need to look for a girl for yourself.

By his tone, I sense hes somewhat jealous after all. Well, what to do

with Felix Tomao.

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chapter 22 forsake

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