cheat sheet: agreement without tantrums

Cheat Sheet:

Get Your Kids from “No” to

“Yes!” in Three Simple Steps

By Cate Scolnik

Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 2 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com

How to Get Your Child from “No” to “Yes!” in Three Easy Steps Frustrating, isn’t it? Getting your kids to agree with you is hit and miss. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you can see it coming, and other times ... not so much. You don’t want to argue, but what do you do? There are times when you just have to get your point across, or get out the door, without tears, tantrums or frayed tempers. What you need is a “cheat sheet”. A simple, done-for-you process that works. Every time. Well, you’re holding just that in your hot little hand right now … or maybe viewing it on your screen. Either way, you’ve found the cure. And it’s simple. The way to get agreement from you children, without tears or tantrums, is to use the PACT system. PACT stands for:

Probe: find out what’s behind their refusal

Articulate Concern: explain the concern behind your request

Team up: collaborate on a solution that will work for both of you

That’s it, just three simple steps to go from “NO!” to “Yes”. Now, you don’t want a lot of gumph and theory here because you’re busy, and you’re smart. So, let’s just dive in. On the next page is a script for you to follow, so you can start using the PACT system straight away. It may look a little confusing, but once you’ve read the examples of the script in action you’ll be good to go. Let’s dive in.

http://www.howtotrainyourchildren.com/


The PACT Script

No! I won’t, and you can’t make

me!

You don’t want to [action]?

No! … (The child will usually expand

on their reasons here)!

Tell me more about that

I [explanation]!

OK, well I’m concerned [insert your

concern].

[Further explanation about

refusal, or possible solution to

concern]

Is there another way we can [meet our

concerns].

(If your child doesn’t offer a solution, ask for one)

What about [child offers solution]

What about we [insert a solution that

meets both needs]?

(If your child doesn’t expand on their reasons)

Probe: find out what’s behind their refusal (Calmly, and with curiosity)

Articulate Concern: explain the concern behind your request

Team up: collaborate on a solution that

will work for both of you



Example 1 You need to leave a friend’s house, and your pre-schooler doesn’t want to go.

No! I don’t want to go, and you

can’t make me! You don’t want to leave now?

No! I’m playing with Lego and I

don’t want to leave

I see. You’re having fun and don’t

want to go?

No. I don’t.

OK, well I’m concerned we’re going to

be late for the dentist.

!

How can we get to the dentist on time?

I don’t know.

What about we get going now, and

we’ll get your Lego out when we get

home?

(No response)

OK

Articulate Concern

Team up

Probe



Example 2

Your 6 year old won’t put a jacket on before going out.

No! I’m not putting my jacket on,

and you can’t make me! You don’t want to wear your jacket?

No! I hate that jacket. It’s horrible!

I see. You hate the jacket.

Yes, and I don’t want to wear it.

OK, well I’m concerned you’re going

to be cold. It’s pretty cold outside.

It’s not THAT cold. Besides, I’d

rather be cold than wear that

stupid thing Is there something else you can wear

that will keep you warm?

I could wear that other jacket, the

blue one…?

Well, it’s not as warm as the green

one, but if you prefer that, I think it’s

OK. Great. I’ll go and get it.

Articulate Concern

Team up

Probe



Example 3

Your 10 year old won’t do their homework.

No! I don’t’ want to do it, and you

can’t make me!

You don’t want to do your homework?

No! It’s boring and I won’t do it!

I see. You think the homework is boring

Yes, and I don’t want to do it.

OK, well I’m concerned you’re not

going to be proud of your grades

when your report arrives.

I do want good grades, but the

homework is boring. It’s boring.

How can you be sure you’ll be proud

of your grades?

I guess I could just do it, and get

it over with.

That sounds like a great idea. Let me

know if you need some help.

OK. It shouldn’t take long.

Articulate Concern

Team up

Probe



The Only Way to Make PACT Work You need to follow this script for it to work. You can’t cut bits out and expect the

same results.

You may feel silly using some of the lines here.

You might think, “Why would I repeat what my child just told me? I’ll just skip straight

to the Articulate Concerns bit.”

But it’s important not to skip steps. Here’s why – your child feels heard.

They have to feel you’ve heard what they’re saying before they can move on. So

please don’t skip steps.

You kids are going to be more willing to listen to you if you’ve listened to

them.

Now what? Now set aside any hesitation you have, and JUST TRY IT.

It helps to print out the page titled “The Script” and keep it somewhere you’ll see it

around your home. Review it in your head so you’ll be ready at your next opportunity.

Even if you don’t think this will work, what do you have to lose? Tantrums? Tears?

Frustration?

Give it a go. It will make your life easier.

Please share this book with other parents

Want more?

Want more simple strategies for a functional family? I can help you:

Stop all the nagging, yelling and reminding

Easily get your kids to do things they don’t like (like tidy their room)

Stop the bickering and arguing

Offer simple choices that make your kids feel confident and in control, while

still doing what you ask



How To Train Your Children

How To Train Your Children is inspired by a popular series of books about people

and dragons - two warring parties who form an allegiance.

The people learn that by working with the dragons they can form an amazing

partnership. One that is far greater than the sum of its parts.

To outsiders it appears that the dragons are tame, but the reality is that they’re a

team, and each member has a role to play.

It’s the same in families. We can choose to fight and argue, or we can harness trust,

communication and understanding, and together become unstoppable.

Are you ready to make your family fly?

Questions?

Cate Scolnik can help you stop yelling and create

a family that listens to each other. You can

reach her at

[email protected], and find

her at www.howtotrainyourchildren.com.

Cate is a parenting strategist, writer and

mother. She has super powers when it

comes to making things simple, but

effective. She has direct experience of the

career vs parenting tug-of-war, and knows

how to establish priorities so you can get

solutions fast.


mailto:[email protected]


cheat sheet: agreement without tantrums

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