check please: take 2 (2nd ed. - 12.01.09 ... · 1 in this play’s firststaged reading in 2006, the...

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Check Please: Take 2 (2nd ed. - 12.01.09) - checkpleasetaketwo5jpCopyright © 2006 Jonathan Rand

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5

For Megan

6

Cast of Characters

GIRlGUyKIMHaNKDONNalyleJUlIaDeweyJaCKIealeXCleOPaUl

Setting

Primarilyinarestaurant;brieflyinacoupleofapartments.

Time

Now.

Author’s Note

Thisplaywasoriginallywrittenwith the intentionof havingoneactorplaytheroleofGirl,anotherplaytheroleofGuy,andtenac-torsplaytherestoftheroles.afunoptionwouldbetocasttheplayusingfouractorstotal,withthetennamedcharacterssplitbetweentwoquick-changeartists.

eachdatecanbestagedusingthesametwosmalldinnertables,withGuyandGirlfacingawayfromeachother.

7

Acknowledgments

lakeBraddockTheatreofBurke,VirginiapresentedthefirststagedreadingofCheck Please: Take 2 onJune23,2006attheInternationalThespianFestivalinlincoln,Nebraska.Thecastwasasfollows:

GIRl . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . JennyFornoffGUy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NathanBlackKIM. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .StephanieRamseyHaNK. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MattTiemannDONNa. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . alisonSteinlyle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ChrisDeterJUlIa . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CaseySteinDewey. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . willNoguchiJaCKIe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .DanielleSchenderaleX. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .JasonwolfCleO. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . IzzySalhaniPaUl. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . andrewBare

Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . R.l.MirabalStageManager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TamiGrossman

SpecialthankstothelakeBraddockThespiansandtheeducationalTheatreassociationfortheirongoingsupportofmywriting.

9

CheCk Please: Take 2by Jonathan Rand

Prologue

(Split scene: GIRl and KIM are playing Scrabble; GUy andHaNKare playing the latest Madden on Xbox. The guys are situ-ated di rectly next to the girls, but in reality they are in different apartments in different parts of the city.)

(GUy and GIRl are only mildly focused on their respective games. KIMand HaNKare a little more focused on their respec-tive games, but try to pay a respectful amount of attention to the important con versation.)

(The scene—while occurring in two different locations—should move as quickly as it would if both pairs were in the same room.)

GIRL / GUY. webrokeup.

KIM. Ohno!

GUY. yeah.

HANK. Thatreallysucks.

GIRL. It’sokay.

GUY. webothsortofsawitcoming.

KIM. Sowhathappened?

HANK. How’dyouscrewitup?

GIRL / GUY. Idon’tknow.

HANK / KIM. Ithadtobesomething

HANK. ,man.

KIM. There’salwayssomething.

GUY. Idon’tknow.

GIRL. I’mnotsure.

GUY. (Simultaneous:)Maybeshegotalittleneedy.

GIRL. (Simultaneous:)Maybehegotalittledistant.

KIM. Iamsosorry.

HANK. Butyouknowwhatreallysucks?

GUY. what?

10 JonathanRand

HANK. Thefactthatyou’repouringyourheartoutandthenIgoandmakeitworsebythrowingthis40-yardplay-actionpass.annnnnd,touchdown.

(Beat. He clears his throat.)

Sorry.

GUY. It’sallright.Ishouldstopmopinganyway.

HANK. whatareyougonnado?

GIRL. IthinkI’lltakeabreak.

GUY. whatdoyouthinkIshoulddo?

KIM. Nonono.Ithinkyoushould

HANK / KIM. getbackinthegame.

GUY. It’snottoosoonforthat?

HANK. It’snevertoosoonforthat.

GIRL. areyousurethat’sagoodidea?

KIM. (As she lays down her Scrabble tiles:) what’sagoodideais“quiz”withthe“Q”ontriple-letterscore.areally,reallygoodidea.

(Beat.)

(Innocently:) youweresaying?

GUY. youseriouslythinkIshouldstartdatingagain.

HANK. yes.

GIRL. Rightaway?

KIM. Reboundingisacrucialpartofsocialhealth.

HANK. There’snootheroption.you’vegottofindsomeonetodis-tractyoufromher.

(Pause.)

GUY. allright.

GIRL / GUY. I’lldoit.

KIM. excellent!

HANK. Sweet!

KIM. andevenifitdoesn’tworkout,welearnedavaluablelessontoday.

GUY. what’sthat?

Check Please: Take 2 11

KIM. Threetimes“Q”is30.

HANK. afteryouobliteratesomeone62to7,youlosethefeelinginyourthumbs.

GIRL. Thanks.

GUY. you’rearealpal.

(Beat.)

KIM / HANK. Rematch?

(Blackout.)

Scene 1

GUY. Hi!

DONNA. Hi!

GUY. It’sgoodtomeetyou.

DONNA. It’sgoodtomeetyou,too!

GUY. Soonyourlistingitsaidyou’readoctor?

DONNA. yes.

GUY. That’sreallyfantastic.

DONNA. (Modestly:) Thankyou.It’srewardingwork.alotofwork,actually, but I feel like I’mmaking a difference, as cliché as thatsounds.Howaboutyou?I’msorry,Iforgetwhatyoudo.

GUY. Iworkata—

(Donna’s cell phone starts ringing immediately after GUy begins to speak. It should be a distracting ring—preferably a well-known pop song.1)

DONNA. Holdononesecond.

(DONNa takes out her phone and opens it.)

Oh,Igottatakethis.I’llbereallyquick.

GUY. Noproblem.

DONNA. Thanks.

1 In this play’s first staged reading in 2006, the chorus fromKelly Clarkson’s“SinceUBeenGone”wastheobviouschoice.

12 JonathanRand

(She hits the button to answer the call.)

Stac-ayyyy!what’s up, girl?…yeah.…you’re kidding…yeah.yeah!!…Nono, tellme. (She is being told a knock-knock joke.) ……who’sthere.……Mexicanbusboywho.……(She yelps.) Thatisfun-ny.Offensive,butfunny.anyway,Ican’ttalk,butcallmelater,K?…Nightynighty!!

(She puts the phone down.)

Sorry,Ihateher.

GUY. youdo?

DONNA. yeah, but it was important. So what were we talkingabout…Right!Doctor.whichwasmydream jobeversince Iwasfour.Ilovethehospitalstaff,theinteractionwithpatients—trulyev-erythingaboutit.

GUY. That’sgreat!

DONNA. whataboutyou?

GUY. w—

(Donna’s phone rings.)

DONNA. Ugghhh,isthatmeagain?Ithinkitis.Onesec.


Ohhh!(To GUy,as if he would have any clue:) It’sGina!!Holdonholdonholdon.

(She hits the button to answer the call.)

GinaBinaFoFina!!what’sgoin’on,woman?…Noooo!…what??That’s ridiculous…Me?Oh I’monadate.…yeah, it’sgoingallright.He’sdecent-looking,Iguess.…ehhh,kindaboring.I’mdoingallthetalking,he’sbarelysaidanything.…yeah!Seriously,right?…Iknow,Iknow.…allrightI’llcallyoubackwhenit’sover,(Ob-viously saying nearly the same thing as Gina and finding it amusing with her:) whichshouldhopefullybesoon!exactly!…Okaylata!!

(Beat.)

GUY. youknowIcouldhearyou,right?

DONNA. what?wereyoulisteninginonmyconversation?

GUY. Uh,yes,butum—

DONNA. Idon’tmeantoberude…butthat’sreallyrude.

GUY. youweretalkingrightinfrontofme.


DONNA. we’regettingnowherewiththisargument.let’smoveon.

GUY. Okay.

DONNA. whydon’tweorderourfood!Ilovetheroastduckhere.Igetitdeliveredtothehospitalallthetime.

GUY. Thatsou—


DONNA. Gosh,Ishouldreallyturnthatoff!

GUY.(Jovially chuckling:) yeah!

DONNA. (Laughing with him:) Right?


Oooooooh.

(She holds up one finger to GUyas she answers it.)

Hi,Richiebaby.…I’mgoooood.evenbetternowthatyou called.…(She giggles flirtatiously.) wellyou’ll justhavetowaitandfindout,won’tyou?…Fine,then.Okay,howaboutlatertonight.…Soundsdelicious.youbetterbereadyforme.…OhI’mdefinitely readyforyou.…Ciao,sexy.

(She hangs up.)

Sotheroastduck…

GUY. who’sRichard?

DONNA. Mymy,arewenosy.

GUY. No,I—Ijustfiguredsincewe’reonadatethatyouwouldn’t—

DONNA. Oh,Ididn’tknowIwasdiningwithMissManners!

GUY. allright—

DONNA. (To the unseen patrons:) Heyeverybody!I’monadatewithacelebrity!!


DONNA. Uhp!,Ithinkmyphone’satitagain.

(She takes it out, opens it, and listens.)

GUY. Okay,canyoupleasehangupthephone?we’reonadateandyou’vespenthalfthetimeshriekingwithyourfriendsandtheotherhalfsettinguprendezvous—es.Ihavetosayit’sreallydisrespectful.

(She hangs up.)

14 JonathanRand

DONNA. (Quietly grave:)Thatwasthehospital.

GUY. what?

DONNA. aten-year-oldgirlneedsahearttransplant.

(Pause.)

GUY. Ohno.

DONNA. Sothankyou.Thankyouforcompletelydisrespectingachild’slife.

GUY. Ihadnoidea—

DONNA. No.Noyoudidn’thaveanyidea.

GUY. Iamsosorry.Ifeelterrible.

DONNA. aHHHH! Just kidding!! It’s Gina again. (To the phone:)GINNaaaaaaa!

(Blackout.)

Scene 2

GIRL. Hi!

LYLE. Hi!

GIRL. It’snicetomeetyou.

LYLE. likewise.

GIRL. allright—Ihavetoaskrightoffthebat.IsittruewhatCheryltoldme—thatyou’refluentinabunchofdifferentlanguages?

LYLE. yes.

GIRL. That’ssocool.

LYLE. Thanks.

GIRL. Seriously?,everybodyIknowjustknowsenglishandmaybe,like,eightwordsofSpanishorFrench.

LYLE. Really.

GIRL. Includingme.Honestly,IbasicallyforgoteverythingIlearnedinschool.IfIwenttoMexicorightnow,I’donlybeabletofindabathroomandalibrary.

LYLE. I’msureyouknowmorethanyouthink.Igetrustyallthetime.

GIRL. Sohowmanydoyouknow?


LYLE. Oh.I’mnotsure.Ilostcountawhileback.

GIRL. areyouserious?

(lylenods modestly.)

I’m…genuinelyimpressed.wait,sowoulditbestrangeonadatetoaskyoutospeakinsomedifferentlanguages?

LYLE. I’drathernot.

GIRL. aww,comeon,please?

LYLE. Ijust—Idon’twantittolooklikeI’mshowingoff.

GIRL. No-no-no-no-no-no!Justafew?

(Pause.)

LYLE. allright,I’llgiveyouasampler.

(GIRl claps with delight.)

let’ssee…IfIwantedtosay“It’sapleasuretomeetyou”inlatin,Iwouldsay:A post mortem in carpe diem ad summa cum laude.

GIRL. (Slightly quizzical:) Really?Thatsoundsfamiliar.

LYLE. It’safairlycommonexpression.Istudiedinathensforthreeyears.

GIRL. (Genuine:) Hey—you’ddefinitelyknowbetterthanme.whatelse?

LYLE. wellthere’sItalian.Forinstance,ifIwantedtotellyou,“youlookbeautiful in the color red,” Iwould say:Mille grazie Deniro e DiCaprio calzone.

(Beat.)

GIRL. Didyousay“DiCaprio”?

LYLE. yes.Itmeans“color”or“hue.”

GIRL. Oh.

LYLE. TheninGerman,ifIwantedtosay,“excuseme,waiter,mysoupiscold,”Iwouldsay:Auf wiedersehen bratwurst lederhosen.

GIRL. Holdonasecond.

LYLE. InFrench,“holdonasecond”wouldbelooselytranslatedasLa louvre de beret à la baguette.

GIRL. wait—

(Beat.)

16 JonathanRand

LYLE. InHebrewthat’sdreidel dreidel dreidel.

GIRL. Stop!Thisisinsulting.Imeanifyouwerekiddingthatwouldbeonething,butitsoundslikeyou’rehonestlytryingtoconvincemethatyouknowallofthoselanguages.Doyouevenknowasingleforeignlanguage,orareyoujustaterribleliar?

(Pause. He is mortally offended. He says the following as if he were saying “How could you…”)

LYLE. ¡Taco!

(Blackout.)

Scene 3

(At the moment the scene begins, JUlIa is in the middle of a hearty, uncontrollable laugh, and continues laughing for a good amount of time. It is quite an intricate string of boisterous sounds. She eventu ally lets the laughing subside.)

(Pause.)

GUY. (Serious:)No,mydogreallydied.

(Blackout.)

Scene 4

GIRL. Hi!

DEWEY. Hi!

GIRL. It’sgoodtomeetyou.

DEWEY. yeah.Samehere.

GIRL. So—tellmeaboutyourself.

DEWEY. well, Icansumitupeasy:Mygreatestpassion isdoinganythingandeverythingthatletsmeliveontheedge.lifeformeisallaboutintensity,goingforbroke,takingchances.

GIRL. That’sagoodoutlook.

DEWEY. It’sallaboutlivingtotheextreme.There’sasayingthatImadeup:

Ifit’snotextremeIt’snotworthdream—ingabout.


GIRL. Ilikeit.

DEWEY. yeahittookmeafewmonthstogettherhymingperfect.

GIRL. Sure.

DEWEY. youknowthatBillyJoelsong“whyDoIGotoextremes”?It’s likehewrote that song forme.That’showmuch I love tobeextreme.

GIRL. It’sagoodsong.

DEWEY. It’smyfavoriteword.

GIRL.extreme?

DEWEY. extreme!!

GIRL. Soareyouasnowboarder,oranoff-roadbiker,or—?

DEWEY. Oh,nono.I’mwaytoobusywithworktodoanythinglikethat.

GIRL. whatdoyoudo?

DEWEY. I’manaccountant.

GIRL. anaccountant…

DEWEY. Iknowitdoesn’tsound extreme,buttrustme,itgetspret-tyextreme.

GIRL. Really.

DEWEY. Ohyeah.Justlookattaxreturns.Thew-9?The1099?Talkaboutintense.andsure,weallknowtheForm1040iscrazy,buttheForm1040-ES?Offthehizook.

GIRL. Ididn’tknowthat.

DEWEY. Istartedthisjokearoundtheofficethatthe“eS”in“1040-eS”standsfor“Extreme Standard-accounting-Procedure.”

GIRL. (Forcing something like a laugh:) ahh.

DEWEY. I’msortofknownformypuns.

GIRL. That’snotreallyapun.

DEWEY. (Barreling on:) But beyond accounting, I still like to stayextremeinmysparetime.like,somethingthat’snormalformostpeople?Iliketotakeitupanotch.

GIRL. Really.

DEWEY. yeah.wannaseewhatImean?

18 JonathanRand

GIRL. Uh—

DEWEY. Here here,watch. (He gets up.) Nowwhenmost peoplewalk,theygolikethis.

(He walks normally.)

Butthis ishowI walk.

(He walks—to the Extreme!)

Orwhenmostpeoplereadamenu,theyreadlikethis.

(He reads the menu normally.)

ThisishowIreadamenu.

(He reads the menu—to the Extreme!)

Orwhennormalpeoplefloss,theydothis.

(He takes out dental floss, and flosses normally.)

I flosslikethis.

(He flosses—to the Extreme!)

Kindablowsyourmind,right?

(Pause.)

GIRL. Didyoujustflossonadate?

DEWEY. Ohman,that’ssorudeofme.Iwasn’tthinking.Here.

(He offers her his used floss.)

(Blackout.)

Midlogue

(Split scene: GIRland GUyare each talking on the phone. KIMand HaNKare sitting center stage, talking on the phone to GIRland GUy,respectively.)

GIRL / GUY. Igiveup.

KIM.Noyoudon’t.

GUY.It’shopelessoutthere.

HANK.I’msureit’snotthatbad.

GIRL.Ihavezerooptimismforthehumanrace.

GUY.whatifanyofthesepeoplegivebirth?


KIM.youjusthavetokeeptrying.

HANK. Reboundingisimportant,

KIM. Butthesuccessrateisalwayslow.

HANK. everyoneknows that if youwannamake anomelet, yougottashootforthemoon.

(KIM turns to HaNK. We now realize they’re in the same room.)

KIM.Ithinkyougotthatwrong.

GUY. waitasecond…IsthatKim?

GIRL. are youwithmyex-boyfriend’sbestfriend?!

HANK.(Overlapping:) ahhhhhgottago!I’lltalktoyoulater!

KIM. (Overlapping:) Ohlook,I’vegotacallcomingin!

HANK / KIM. KeePTRyING!!

(They hang up.)

GIRL. (Overlapping:) Kim?

GUY.(Overlapping:) Hank?

(KIMand HaNKdrop their phones.)

HANK.Thinkthey’llbeokay?

KIM.yeah,they’refine.

(They peck each other briefly on the lips.)

(They pick up their Xbox controllers. HaNK hits unpause and they proceed with the game. They stare at the screen.)

HANK. allrightScrabbleQueen—youjustsitbackandwatchwhileIrunbackthiskickoffforthegame-winner…

(After a quick amount of button-pressing for them both, a whistle blows on the game.)

KIM. (Dripping with sarcasm, as if she’s serious:) Oh.whathappened?SowhenItackleyouatyourownten-yardline,doyougetpointsforthat?Iwasn’tawareyougotpointsforthat.That’sweird.

HANK.Shutup.

(Blackout.)

20 JonathanRand

Scene 5

(Acronyms in this scene are displayed in all caps for ease of under-standing. They should not necessarily be yelled or emphasized.)

GUY. Hi!

JACKIE. Hi!

GUY. Nicetomeetyou.

JACKIE. Samehere!

GUY. Sorightoffthebat,Ihavetobehonestwithyou—thisisthefirsttimeI’veevergoneoutwithsomeoneImetonline.

JACKIE. Really?Oh,Idoitallthetime.

GUY. yeah?

JACKIE. Sure.It’stheonlywaytodate,IMHO.

(Beat.)

GUY. I’msorry?

JACKIE. IMO,it’stheonlywaytodate.

GUY. IMO?

JACKIE. ahhhh,Ididn’trealize!Soifyou’reanoob,thenyoudon’tunderstandonlinelingo!!lOl!

GUY. Right,soIdon’t—

JACKIE. Thatissocute!lOl,ROFlMaO!

GUY. I’m—

JACKIE. OMG,youmustbesolostrightnow.OMFG!

GUY. Ireallydon’tfollowyou.

JACKIE. anyway, anyway—gimme the 411 about yourself, shy-guy626!whatdoyoudoinyourfreetime?

GUY. well,ah…actually,Ijuststartedtakingwindsurfinglessons.

JACKIE. w00t?2

GUY. Ifyoudon’tmindmebeinghonest,I’vehadalotmorefreetimeforstartingnewhobbiesaftermyex-girlfriendandIbrokeup.

JACKIE. Uhhh,TMI!

2 Ifthisexpressionistooobscure,feeltouse“Kewl!”instead.


GUY. what?

JACKIE. JK!JK!JK!

GUY. what’s“TMI”?

JACKIE. TMI!(She lays it out for him in plain English:) “T”…Okay?Then“M.”andthenyoufinishitoffwith“I.”TMI.

(GUydecides to leave that confusing response behind.)

GUY. So—whataboutyou?whatdoyouliketodo?

JACKIE. Oh,gosh…Somanythings.well,I’dsayIspendabouthalfofmyworkdayonMySpace,andtherestsplitbetweenFacebook,liveJournal,andFriendster.3andwhenI’mlookin’forluuuuv—JK,lOl—Ispendmytimeon,youknow,theusualplaces:Match.com,e-Harmony,J-Date.

GUY. J-Date?

JACKIE. yep!

GUY. Isn’tthatwhereJewishsinglesmeetotherJewishsingles?

JACKIE. yep!

GUY. Didn’tyourprofilesayyouwereCatholic?

JACKIE. yep!

GUY. ThenwhyareyouonJ-Date?

JACKIE. whyareyou onJ-Date?

GUY. I’mnotonJ-Date.

JACKIE. well,agreetodisagree.

GUY. what?

JACKIE. Okay,soIhaveafewmoreFaQsforyou,shyguy626.e.G.:wheredoyouseeyourselfinfiveyears?

GUY. I’msorry,Ihavetoask:whyareyoucallingmeshyguy626?

JACKIE. It’syourSN.whywouldn’tIcallyoushyguy626?

GUY. My—Ohh,myscreenname. Idon’tknow…youwouldn’twantmetocallyou—uh…

JACKIE. CutiePatootie5!

GUY. Right,CutiePatootie5.

3 Ifanywebsitesinthissceneareoutofdate,pleasereplacewithcurrentequivalent.

22 JonathanRand

JACKIE. OMG,yesIwould!

GUY. allright…

JACKIE. BTw,itissooooadorablethatyoudon’tunderstandwhatI’msaying.youareTCFw.It’slikeIspeakenglishandyouspeakCanadian.

GUY. Th—

JACKIE. Ilikeit.youmakemelaugh.winkyface.

GUY. w—

JACKIE. OMG,youmustbesoconfused;you’relikeG2G,TTyl.

GUY. Okaystopforasecond. I’vegottaask—becauseI’vehonestlyneverheardanyoneusescreennames…orthoseinternetabbrevia-tions…outloud:Isitnormalforapersontodothat?

(Pause. She is blindsided.)

GUY. what?

JACKIE. Frownyface.

GUY. Oh. Ididn’tmeantooffendyou—

JACKIE. Frownyfacewithtears.

GUY. look,couldwejust—

JACKIE. wTF.

GUY. I’msorry?Idon’tunder—

JACKIE. w…T…F-ing…F!

GUY. Ihonestlyhavenoideawhatthatmeans.

(JaCKIe turns away, offended.)

GUY. what?what’swrong?

JACKIE. NOyB.

GUY. Canwetalkaboutwhat’swrong?

JACKIE. No.eOD.

GUY. IwishIknewwhatyouweresaying.

JACKIE. youknowwhat?youarebeingsoinappropriate?—I’mgo-ing tofilea complaint to thewebsitewherewemet, and thendoeverythinginmypowertogetyoublacklistedfromonlinedating.

GUY. what?That’snotfair!


JACKIE. and that will prevent you from dating anyone likemeeVeRaGaIN!

(She runs off.)

(Pause.)

(He says matter-of-factly, without sarcasm:)

GUY. That’supsetting.Sarcasticwinkyface.

(Blackout.)

Scene 6

(aleX is dressed like a pirate. Some time elapses as GIRldoesn’t know what to say.)

GIRL. See, when the paper said youwere into livingHistory, IthoughtthatmaybemeantyouoccasionallydidCivilwarreenact-ments.Notthatyou’dcometoadatepretendingtobeapirate.

ALEX. Pretendin’?!?

GIRL. yes.Pretending.

ALEX.Ibeasrealasea-dogasyou’llevermeet!!

(Beat.)

GIRL. anddoallrealpiratesshopatJ.Crew?

(aleXlooks down at his jeans.)

ALEX. (Dejectedly:) aarrrr…

(Blackout.)

Scene 7

GUY. Hi!

CLEO. Hi!

GUY. Soonyour listing it said thatyou’reapsychiatrist.Doyoulikeit?

CLEO. Ohno.Thatwasatypo.

GUY. Oh.you’reapsychologist?

CLEO. Psychic.

24 JonathanRand

GUY. ah.

CLEO. yeah,Iwantedtocallthepapertofixthat,butIforgotthephonenumber.

(Beat.)

GUY. Sowhat’sitlike?

CLEO. Ohman.Thepremonitoryfieldcanberough.likelastweekIreadinthestarsthatI’mgoingtogetasunburnonJuly8th?,soIhadtocancelmytriptoCancun.

GUY. Oh.

CLEO. Iknowwhatyou’rethinking:Sunburnsaretheworst!

GUY. Right.

CLEO. SeehowIknewwhatyouwerethinking?

GUY. Sohowdidyoufirstdecideyou’dbecomeapsychic?

CLEO. Irememberexactlywhenithitme.Iwasafreshmanincol-lege,andIenvisionedthatIwasgoingtofailamathexam.ThenItooktheexam,andIfailed. Isn’tthatamazing??

(Beat.)

GUY. yes?

CLEO. ThatwasthemomentIknewI’dbecomeapsychic.andthenfouryearslater?Ibecameapsychic!There’sanotherpredictioncometrue!

GUY. Butallofthoseareactionsyoucancontrol.

CLEO. HowaboutIgiveyouafreereading?!

(Over the next couple of lines, CleOretrieves a few tools from her bag and places them on the table: tarot cards, chakra beads, and a Magic 8-Ball.)

GUY. Oh,that’sokay.I’mnotinterested.

CLEO. Iinsist!Handmeyourrightfoot.

GUY. I’msorry?

CLEO. Handmeyourrightfoot.Ireadfeet.

GUY. Don’tpsychics—?

CLEO. Iknowin the movies everyoneseespsychicsreadpalms,buttherealpsychicsreadfeet.Takeoffyourshoe.


GUY. Idon’tknowifIfeelcomfortablewiththis.

(CleO picks up the Magic 8-Ball and speaks to it.)

CLEO. Doeshefeelcomfortablewiththis?

(She shakes the Magic 8-Ball and looks at the bottom for the an-swer.)

CLEO. “Itisdecidedlyso.”

GUY. (Reluctantly:) allright…

(He begins to remove his shoe.)

CLEO. The feet have a spiritual connection to the earth. Becausethe feet touchthegroundso frequently, theyhave the— (Instruct-ing GUy:)yoursocktoo—theyhavetheclosestandmostpowerfulbondtotheparanormalether.

(GUyis ready.)

Okay.

(CleOholds out her hand. GUyreluctantly moves his foot across the table. CleOtakes it without hesitation, and begins examining the sole of his foot with her fingers, looking very closely at its de-tails. GUyis uncomfortable about the situation, but not ticklish. The au dience’s focus should be on the interaction between CleOand foot.)

Interesting.Verrry interesting.This creasebetweenyourheel andmidsoletellsmethatyoulikesports.Isittruethatyoulikesports?

GUY. Ilikesports.

CLEO. yes.Iseethatrighthere.Sports…

(She moves her fingers to a different spot on the sole of his foot.)

let’ssee…yourhistorylinehereisrightherebelowthelateralplan-tarnerves.let’shavealook.

(She looks closely.)

Sometimesyouhaveto—

(She presses her ear against the bottom of his foot.)

Okay,therewego.whenyouwereateenagerdidyouattendahighschool?

GUY. yes.

CLEO. Thatsoundsaboutright.

26 JonathanRand

(She continues to examine his foot with her hands, working her way up to the toes.)

GUY. listen,canIhavemyfootback?youhaven’treallytoldmeanythingthat’snotobvious.

CLEO. Oh,butherecomesthebigfinale.

GUY. That’sokay,I’mfine.

CLEO. Themainlineislocatedinthemiddleofthebigtoe,butyourlineisremarkablyfaint.

(She lightly taps on it.)

I’mhavingtroublegettingaread.

(She lightly touches the toe with the tip of her tongue. She leans back and tastes her lips slightly, with a serious, analytical look on her face. This is business as usual. After a few moments, she perks up.)

ahhh,therewego.areyouready?(Beat.) youhavetwosisters—oneredheadandoneblonde—you’refive-foot-eight4,youlovemovies,you consideryourselfpolitically independent, andyou’re aVirgorising.

(She lets go of his foot.)

Okay!alldone.

(GUy is flabbergasted.)

GUY. But—That’samazing!everylastoneofthosethingswascom-pletelytrue!!Howdidyouknowallofthat?!

CLEO.Knowledgeisfeet.

GUY. wow!whatelsedoyouknow?Canyoutellmyfuture?

CLEO. Butofcourse…whenyoudieyouwilldonateyourorgans,andafterMay1styoucannolongerpurchasetwolargeone-toppingpizzasforthepriceofone.

(Pause.)

GUY. CanIhavemywalletback?

(Beat.)

(CleOlooks at the bottom of her Magic 8-Ball.)

4 Usetheactor’sactualheight.


CLEO. “allsignspointtoNo.”

(Blackout.)

Scene 8

GIRL. Hi!

PAUL. Hi!

GIRL. So…tellmeaboutyourself.

PAUL. well, Iworkinhedgefunds—

GIRL. Cool!That’swhereyoubuystocksatalowvalueandthensellittobanks?wait,no.Ihavethatcompletelywrong.

PAUL. Don’tworryaboutit.

GIRL. Sorry. I actually do knowmore about themarket, it’s justthat—honestly—I’mnervous.I’msoterribleatthesethings.

PAUL. what—dates?

GIRL. yeah.

PAUL. ahh,don’t worryaboutit.Itrynottobetoojudgmentalondates.They’resetuptobesohigh-pressure.

GIRL. True.

PAUL. andit’sawastelandoutthere,somaybeit’seasiertohandlebecauseI’mlessoptimisticthanIusedtobe.

GIRL.That’ssorefreshingtohear.Ithoughtitwasjustme.

PAUL. No,it’sprettyawful.

GIRL. Butyoudon’tseemtheleastbitflustered.Howdoyoustaysocalm?

PAUL. Ithelpstohavealotoffirst-handexperiencewithrelation-ships.

GIRL.you’vedonealotofdating?

PAUL. yeah.Dating,marriage,blahblahblah.

GIRL. you’redivorced?

PAUL. No,no.

GIRL. It’stotallyokayifyouare.Idatedaguyoncewhohadmul-tipleex-wives.

28 JonathanRand

PAUL. Oh,don’tworryaboutthat.Idon’thaveanyex-wives—

GIRL. Okay.

PAUL. —Ihavewives.

(Pause.)

GIRL. I’msorry,IthoughtIheardyousay—

PAUL. Ihavewives.

GIRL. Oh.

PAUL. Twoof’em.

GIRL. Twowives.

PAUL. yeah…Icantellyou’rekindofdisappointedaboutit…

GIRL. (Not terribly convincing:) Nooo…

PAUL. It’sokaytobedisappointed!I’mdisappointedwithmyself!

GIRL. areyou…

PAUL. Iam.Imean,twowivesissuchatinynumberofwives.

GIRL. excuseme?

PAUL. Iknow!It’sunbelievable.allmybuddiesarealwaysmakingfunofmeatthegym:

(He recounts each of the jabs with frustrated disdain.)

“Hey,lookoverthere—it’stheguywithonlytwowives!”

“MaybehewantsabiteofmyTWO-nafishsandwich.”

“He’slikeaballerinawithhisTWO-tu.”

“I’llbethelikestheU.S.government,whatwiththeirbicam-eral legislature.”

“Heyeverybody!Getyourcamera!It’sTWO-pacShakur!”

or,y’know,

“Peace.”

(He does an irritated impression of someone giving him the two-finger peace sign.)

Imean,twowives?Two? yougottaadmit,thatprettypathetic.I’membarrassedtoshowmyfaceinpublic.

GIRL. Uhhuh.


PAUL. and y’know, I’m thinking that you… (Pause for effect.)…you…mightjustbetheperfectcandidateforNumeroTres.

GIRL. Iam…

PAUL. absolutely!

GIRL. Soyou’reMormon?

PAUL. Mormon?No…NotMormon.

GIRL. Sowhydoyouhavetwowives?

PAUL. why?whynot??

GIRL. wellisn’tpolygamyillegal?

PAUL. what?Isit?Iguess.(Jovially dismissive:) “law”!

GIRL. yes.law.

PAUL. Imean,ifeveryonefollowedeveryittybittylaw,thenyouorIcouldn’t—Idunno—commitcreditcardidentitytheft.

GIRL. yeS!

PAUL. whatI’msayingis,everyonebreaksthespeedlimit,right?I’mjustbreakingthespeedlimitwithabunchofdifferentcars,si-multaneously.

GIRL. Thatdoesn’tmakeanysense.

PAUL. Doesthe“Constitution”makesense?

GIRL. yeS!

PAUL. Sowhatdoyouthinkofmyproposal?Behonest.

GIRL. Behonest?

PAUL. you wouldn’t have a lot of responsibilities! Harriet is inchargeofthecookingandcleaning,andNaomitakesthekidstosoc-cergamesanddrama5practice,soallI’dneedfromyouistoTivomyfavoriteshowsformewhileI’matwork,andthenwhenIgethome,occasionallyshavemyback.

GIRL. …

PAUL. (Inviting:) So…?

(Pause. GIRldecides to try a special angle.)

GIRL. allright,thisissoundinglikesomethingI’dbeinterestedin.

5 Rhymeswithgamma.

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