Chef Glenn and the Deadly Loaf

A parody of “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight”By Daniel Barcus

Arty and the good fellows were famous bakers, known all across the lands for their famous butter lemon bread and ginger snap cake. Not only were Arty and the good fellows amazing bakers, but they were also very charitable.

Every year, Arty and his goodfellows would travel all the way to the “Desserted” Lands to bring desserts to the all of the unfortunate people. In the Desserted Lands, contrary to the name, the people of that land had no desserts. Arty could not live knowing that some people went without desserts for many years.

The trek to the Desserted Lands was not an easy one. Lord Arty and his good fellows had to travel through dangerous lands with their expensive and exquisite desserts. Many times the group encounter ravenous animals and natives, trying to get a bite of their desserts. Of course, not only were the bakers excellent chefs but also strong and burly fighters.

During the end of the yearly cycle, Arty hosted an event called Breadfest. Arty and his good fellows would work weeks on a giant meal of breads and desserts to celebrate the start of the new year.

One year, during Breadfest, a strange man arrived. He was less like a man, and more like a muffin. In one hand he held a butter knife, and in the other a fork. Sheathed on his side was a baguette. He road on a horse that looked as if it was made of ginger bread.

Though Arty was normally a calm and caring man, today his patience was worn because of his slaving over the delicacies he prepared for Breadfest. “Who do you think you are, intruding on our Breadfest!”, Arty scolded at the man on the horse.

“Why I am just a simple commoner, famous Arty.”, replied the horseman. “I am the Muffin Man. I have heard from across the lands of your great accolades. I have come to issue you a challenge. I wish to taste your bread. I do not want just any kind of bread, though. I want you to prepare for me the deadliest bread you can think of. I want you to put the deadliest poisons and most disgusting ingredients in this bread. Maggots, worms, whatever you can think of! I will eat this bread, and in return, in a year from now, you must eat the bread I prepare for you that will be equally as deadly. Surely a brave group like you would have no problem entertaining my offer!”

There was a gasp and the whole town went quiet. There were whispers and a drop of sweat fell from Arty’s brow. Arty looked left and right at his good fellows, thinking that they would accept the offer and defend his reputation.

In a fit of anger, Arty burst out of his chair to accept the offer. “I will play your game, Muffin Man!” Before Arty could finish, one of the good fellows sprang up and stopped Arty. His name was Chef Glenn.

“Glenn! You are the last good fellow I would expect to defend my honor! Will you take up the Muffin Man’s offer?”, exclaimed Arty. “Of course I will, uncle Arty.”

Glenn headed to the kitchen to prepare this disastrous bread. Flour, yeast, water, dirt off the floor, worms from the yard, dust from the cellar, mold from the cheese, and poison from the cupboard all went into the loaf. The most disgusting loaf of bread had been prepared and was brought out to the Muffin Man.

“Ah! My loaf of bread to order! Let’s see if you are as good of bakers as I have heard!” The Muffin Man ate the poison laced bread. He ate every last bit, smiled, and told Glenn that he would see him in a year.

Astounded, Arty, Glenn, the good fellows, and the whole townspeople sat quiet in amazement of how the Muffin Man was able to eat the loaf with no problem. “I will keep to my word!”, exclaimed Glenn. “I will go a year from now, after Breadfest, and face the Muffin Man’s loaf!”

A year later, it was time. Glenn had no idea where he was going, but he would find the Muffin Man. “Farwell, all! I will see you soon!”

Glenn traveled far and wide asking, “Do you know the Muffin Man?” Finally, Glenn arrived at a strange looking house. He asked the residents of the house if they knew the Muffin Man. “The Muffin Man! Of course, he lives in the Drury Plains!”, responded the residents.

“Ah, where are the Drury Planes?”, responded Glenn. “Why you are in the Drury Planes! The Muffin Man lives no more than a mile from here! Come, stay with us a while!”

Glenn stayed, but one night while he was in his room, the woman of the household entered his room. “What are you doing here, miss?”, said Glenn. She said, “I am just here to check up on you, sweetie.” as she stood next to his bed. “You caught my eye when you came in, and I couldn’t help but catch a word with you alone.”

“I really must be getting to sleep.”, replied Glenn. “It gets so lonely here, Glenn, will you keep me company tonight?”, replied the lady. “I really must be getting to bed”, cried Glenn as he forced the lady out of his room. Before she left, she gave Glenn a Kiss.

The next morning, the man of the house questioned Glenn. “I know my wife visited you last night, Glenn. What did you do? Whatever she gave to you I want you to give to me!”, exclaimed the man. Glenn smiled at the man and gave him a Kiss.

The next night, the same thing happened. Before Glenn fell asleep, the woman of house entered again. “I want to sleep with you tonight, Glenn! Please!”, begged the woman. Glenn replied, “I am sorry mistress, but I cannot.” Glenn forced her out of the room, but before he did, the woman gave him another Kiss.

The next morning, the master of the house questioned Glenn again. “I know you saw my wife again last night. You better give to me what she has given you. I have been most gracious to you in lodging you and helping you find the Muffin Man. I just ask you to honor my request.” Glenn smiled and handed the man another Kiss.

Glenn was leaving to find the Muffin Man the next day. Before he left, the woman of the house met with him alone in his room for one last time. “Glenn, if you will not give me your love at least take this from me to remember me by.” She handed him a loaf of bread glazed with gold leaf and embedded with diamond dust.

“I cannot accept this!”, exclaimed Glenn. “What about this? This will protect you from the Muffin Man’s deadly bread.” She pulled out a mouthpiece that looked like it could easily fit over the teeth. “This will neutralize anything deadly in the Muffin Man’s bread! Please, take it, it will save your life!”

Unwillingly, Glenn took the mouthpiece. “Be safe! Good luck against the Muffin Man!” She gave him another Kiss as she left. Glenn met with the man of the house. “I know my wife visited you this morning, Glenn. Did she give you anything to you? I have been most gracious to you and given you all that I have, so please give what she has given to you back to me!”

A frown ran across Glenn’s face. He paused for a moment and then gave the man a Kiss. “Are you sure that is all she had given you?” Glenn nodded slowly with a frown on his face. “Alright Glenn, let’s find the Muffin Man!”

The man and Glenn trekked through the Drury Planes. After a couple of hours, they came close to a forest. “This is as far as I go, Glenn. This is a dangerous place.”

Glenn passed through the forest. A little while after the man had left, Glenn heard a voice calling out to him. “Ah! Chef Glenn! I am glad to see you! I see you have kept true to your word! I trust you are ready to finish our game?”

Glenn was scared but remembered the mouth piece he had been given and quickly shoved it into his mouth. He walked up to the Muffin Man and the Muffin Man pulled out a moldy load of bread with maggots crawling on it.

The Muffin Man handed the loaf to Glenn. “Eat up!” Glenn frowned and broke a crumb off of the loaf of bread and put it into his mouth and spat it out. “What a coward! You have come all this way just to spit my wonderful bread in my face! What a disgrace you are, Glenn! I did not spit out your bread when you gave it to me!”

Glenn frowned and took the bread and ate the whole loaf. The Muffin Man smiled and said, “Good show Glenn! Good show. I am glad that you have played our game!”

Why am I not dead?”, questioned Glenn. “It must surely be because of that mouthpiece you took from my wife, Glenn! That must surely be the reason!”, exclaimed the Muffin Man.

“Ah yes, that must be why. Wait, how do you know about that?!”, cried Glenn. “Because I am the man you betrayed Glenn! I am the master of the house you stayed in! I wanted to test your stature, and my wife helped by tempting you with love, but you would not accept! Next she tried to tempt you with riches but you still would not accept! Finally she tempted you with life and you failed! Of course, I cannot say that I would have not done the same thing.”

Glenn laid down and cried. He handed the mouthpiece to the Muffin Man. “I am such a failure! I have tarnished my honor! I have made Arty look like a fool! I do not deserve to live! Why did your bread not kill me, Muffin Man?”

“I did not poison my loaf, Glenn. All I did was put maggots in it because you took the mouthpiece from my wife. Otherwise the loaf was a perfectly fine piece of bread.”

“Thank you for sparing my life, Muffin Man, but I wish that you had not. I cannot live with this failure.”, screamed Glenn. “Please take this mouthpiece as your reward for being most noble, Glenn.”, said the Muffin Man. “I will wear it always and keep it as a reminder of my failures!”, cried Glenn.

Glenn headed back to Arty’s bakery, constantly reminding himself of how he had failed in honoring the man’s request.

When Glenn arrived, Arty exclaimed, “Glenn! I am glad to see you alive! I hope you have defended our honor?”

“I have failed, Arty! I have tarnished your honor! I found the Muffin Man and ate his loaf, but I betrayed the pact I had made with him! I promised I would give him whatever his wife would give to me, but I did not! She gave me this mouthpiece because she said it would save me from the deadly bread, but I did not give it to the man!”

Arty and the other good fellows chuckled. “Glenn! It is good to hear that you ate the Muffin Man’s loaf! We do not blame you for defending your life! We would have done the same! We are proud that you stuck to your honor,met with the Muffin Man, and ate his loaf even though you could have died. I am very proud of your, Glenn!”

Glenn smiled a little, and from that day forward Arty made all of the good fellows wear mouthpieces to remind them to be as courageous as Glenn!

Sources• http://static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120128045061/thehungergames/images/6/67/Bread.jpg• http://sweetpeaskitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/dsc_02281.jpg• https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zyLz3EL3EdA/UCFXBCMxNEI/AAAAAAAAAII/PEMMzn2JjGM/w800-h800/Deserted-Land-1-W37QUTJGNO-800x

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1BA2876B17CDC2D7AE6E4E6B4C3CBE68821562A3DD322FBBA82694• http://www.clker.com/cliparts/S/r/B/n/R/A/cartoon-house-hi.png• http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/27/Great_Plains_Nebraska_USA1.jpg• http://www.musicroom.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/Mustache.jpg• http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs11/i/2006/238/d/4/Medieval_Peasant_Woman_by_TikalLover.jpg• http://www.homedressing.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Bedroom-Sets-007.jpg• http://www.redbookmag.com/cm/redbook/images/cg/hershey-kiss-1-1010-de.jpg• http://www.yourselfrepair.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Rugs.jpg• http://www.j-beads.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/diamond.jpg• http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/golden-bread-8026060.jpg• http://www.proboxinggear.com/images/SMP.jpg• http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/20000000/Green-Forest-Wallpaper-green-20036604-1280-1024.jpg• http://th03.deviantart.net/fs51/PRE/f/2009/317/1/2/DarkLatios777___Celebi_Tear_by_Pokemon_Mento.png• Program used to edit pictures: Gimp 2.8