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ProjectGutenberg'sChildofaCentury,Complete,byAlfreddeMusset

ThiseBookisfortheuseofanyoneanywhereatnocostandwithalmostnorestrictionswhatsoever.Youmaycopyit,giveitawayorre-useitunderthetermsoftheProjectGutenbergLicenseincludedwiththiseBookoronlineatwww.gutenberg.net

Title:ChildofaCentury,Complete

Author:AlfreddeMusset

LastUpdated:March3,2009ReleaseDate:October5,2006[EBook#3942]

Language:English

***STARTOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKCHILDOFACENTURY,COMPLETE***

ProducedbyDavidWidger

CONFESSIONOFACHILDOFTHECENTURY

(Confessiond'unEnfantduSiecle)

ByALFREDDEMUSSET

WithaPrefacebyHENRIDEBORNIER,oftheFrenchAcademy

ALFREDDEMUSSET

Apoethasnorighttoplayfastandloosewithhisgenius.Itdoesnotbelongtohim,itbelongstotheAlmighty;itbelongstotheworldandtoacominggeneration.AtthirtyDeMussetwasalreadyanoldman,seekinginartificialstimulitheyouththatwouldnotspringagain.Comingfromaliteraryfamilythezealofhishousehadeatenhimup;hispassionhadburneditselfoutandhisheartwithit.Hehaddonehiswork;itmatteredlittletohimortoliteraturewhetherthecurtainfellonhislife'sdramain1841orin1857.

AlfreddeMusset,byvirtueofhisgenial,ironicaltemperament,eminentlyclearbrain,andundyingachievements,belongstothegreatpoetsoftheages.Weto-daydonotapprovethetimbreofhisepoch:thatimpertinent,somewhatirritantmask,thatredundantrhetoric,thatoccasionaldisdainforthemetre.Yetheremainsthegreatestpoetedel'amour,themostspontaneous,themostsincere,themostemotionalsingerofthetenderpassionthatmoderntimeshasproduced.

BornofnobleparentageonDecember11,1810--hisfullnamebeingLouisCharlesAlfreddeMusset--thesonofDeMusset-Pathai,hereceivedhis

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educationattheCollegeHenriIV,where,amongothers,theDukeofOrleanswashisschoolmate.WhenonlyeighteenhewasintroducedintotheRomantic'cenacle'atNodier's.Hisfirstwork,'LesContesd'Espagneetd'Italie'(1829),showsrecklessdaringinthechoiceofsubjectsquiteinthespiritofLeSage,withadashofthedandifiedimpertinencethatmockedthefoiblesoftheoldRomanticists.However,hepresentlyabandonedthisstyleforthemoresubjectivestrainof'LesVoeuxSteyiles,Octave,LesSecretesPenseesdeRafael,Namouna,andRolla',thelasttwobeingveryeloquentattimes,thoughimmature.Rolla(1833)isoneofthestrongestandmostdepressingofhisworks;thescepticregretsthefaithhehaslostthepowertoregain,andrealizesinluridflashesthedesolateemptinessofhisownheart.Atthisperiodthecrisisofhislifewasreached.HeaccompaniedGeorgeSandtoItaly,arupturebetweenthemoccurred,andDeMussetreturnedtoParisalonein1834.

Moresubduedsadnessisfoundin'LesNuits'(1832-1837),andin'EspoirenDieu'(1838),etc.,andhis'LettreaLamartine'belongstothemostbeautifulpagesofFrenchliterature.Buthenceforthhisproductiongrowsmoresparingandinformlessromantic,although'LeRhinAllemand',forexample,showsthatattimeshecanstillgatherupallhispowers.Thepoetbecomeslazyandmorose,hiswillissappedbyawildandrecklesslife,andoneismorethanoncetemptedtowishthathislyrehadceasedtosing.

DeMusset'sproseismoreabundantthanhislyricsorhisdramas.Itisofimmensevalue,andowesitschiefsignificancetotheclearnesswithwhichitexhibitstheprogressofhisethicaldisintegration.In'Emmeline(1837)wehavearatherdangerousjugglingwiththepsychologyoflove.Thenfollowsastudyofsimultaneouslove,'LesDeuxMattresses'(1838),quiteinthespiritofJeanPaul.HethenwrotethreesympatheticdepictionsofParisianBohemia:'FredericetBernadette,MimiPinson,andLeSecretdeJavotte',allin1838.'LeFilsdeTitien(1838)andCroiselles'(1839)arecarefullyelaboratedhistoricalnovelettes;thelatterisconsideredoneofhisbestworks,overflowingwithromanticspirit,andcontrastinginthisrespectstrangelywith'LaMouche'(1853),oneofthelastflickeringsofhis

imagination.'Maggot'(1838)bearsmarksoftheinfluenceofGeorgeSand;'LeMerleBlanc'(1842)isasortofallegorydealingwiththeirquarrel.'PierreetCamille'isaprettybutslighttaleofadeaf-mute'slove.Hisgreatestwork,'Confessiond'unEnfantduSiecle',crownedwithacclaimbytheFrenchAcademy,andclassicforalltime,waswrittenin1836,whenthepoet,somewhatrecoveredfromtheshock,relateshisunhappyItalianexperience.Itisanambitiousanddeeplyinterestingwork,andshowswhitherhisdreadofallmoralcompulsionandself-controlwasleadinghim.

DeMussetalsowrotesomecriticalessays,wittyandsatiricalintone,inwhichhisgeniusappearsinanotherlight.ItisnotgenerallyknownthathewasthetranslatorintoFrenchofDeQuincey's'Confessions

ofanOpiumEater'(1828).Hewasalsoaprominentcontributortothe'RevuedesDeuxMondes.'In1852hewaselectedtotheFrenchAcademy,buthardlyeverappearedatthesessions.Aconfrereoncemadetheremark:"DeMussetfrequentlyabsentshimself,"whereuponitissaidanotherImmortalanswered,"Andfrequentlyabsinthe'shimself!"

WhileBrunetiere,Lemattre,andothersconsiderDeMussetagreatdramatist,Sainte-Beuve,singularlyenough,doesnotappreciatehimasaplaywright.TheophileGautiersaysabout'UnCaprice'(1847):"SincethedaysofMarivauxnothinghasbeenproducedin'LaComedieFrancaise'

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sofine,sodelicate,sodainty,thanthistenderpiece,thischef-d'oeuvre,longburiedwithinthepagesofareview;andwearegreatlyindebtedtotheRussiansofSt.Petersburg,thatsnow-coveredAthens,forhavingdugupandrevivedit."Nevertheless,hisbluette,'LaNuitVenetienne',wasoutrageouslytreatedattheOdeon.TheoppositionwasexasperatedbytherecentsuccessofHugo's'Hernani.'Mussetwasthenincompleteaccordwiththefundamentalromanticconceptionthattragedymustminglewithcomedyonthestageaswellasinlife,buthehadtoodelicateatastetoyieldtotheextravaganceofDumasandthelesserromanticists.Allhisplays,bytheway,werewrittenforthe'RevuedesDeuxMondes'between1833and1850,andtheydidnotwinadefiniteplaceonthestagetillthelateryearsoftheSecondEmpire.InsomecomediesthedialogueisunequalledbyanywritersincethedaysofBeaumarchais.TainesaysthatDeMussethasmorerealoriginalityinsomerespectsthanHugo,andpossessestruerdramaticgenius.Twoorthreeofhiscomedieswillprobablyholdthestagelongerthananydramaticworkoftheromanticschool.Theycontainthequintessenceofromanticimaginativeart;theyshowinfullflowthatuncheckedfreedomoffancywhich,joinedtothespiritofrealisticcomedy,producesthemodernFrenchdrama.YetDeMusset'sprosehasingreatermeasurethequalitiesthatendure.

TheDukeofOrleanscreatedDeMussetLibrarianintheDepartmentoftheInterior.Itwassometimesstatedthattherewasnolibraryatall.It

iscertainthatitwasasinecure,thoughthepay,3,000francs,wassmall.In1848theDukehadthebadtastetoaskforhisresignation,buttheEmpirerepairedtheinjury.AlfreddeMussetdiedinParis,May2,1857.

HENRIDEBORNIERdel'AcademieFrancaise.

THECONFESSIONSOFACHILDOFTHECENTURY

BOOK1.

PARTI

CHAPTERI.TOTHEREADER

Beforethehistoryofanylifecanbewritten,thatlifemustbelived;sothatitisnotmylifethatIamnowwriting.Attackedinearlyyouthbyanabominablemoralmalady,Iherenarratewhathappenedtomeduringthespaceofthreeyears.WereItheonlyvictimofthatdisease,Iwouldsaynothing,butasmanyotherssufferfromthesameevil,Iwriteforthem,althoughIamnotsurethattheywillgiveheedtome.Shouldmywarningbeunheeded,Ishallstillhavereapedthefruitofmyagonizinginhavingcuredmyself,and,likethefoxcaughtinatrap,

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intolife.

ThenthemenoftheEmpire,whohadbeenthroughsomuch,whohadlivedinsuchcarnage,kissedtheiremaciatedwivesandspokeoftheirfirstlove.Theylookedintothefountainsoftheirnativefieldsandfoundthemselvessoold,somutilated,thattheybethoughtthemselvesoftheirsons,inorderthatthesemightclosethepaternaleyesinpeace.Theyaskedwheretheywere;thechildrencamefromtheschools,and,seeingneithersabres,norcuirasses,neitherinfantrynorcavalry,askedinturnwhereweretheirfathers.Theyweretoldthatthewarwasended,thatCaesarwasdead,andthattheportraitsofWellingtonandofBlucherweresuspendedintheante-chambersoftheconsulatesandtheembassies,withthislegendbeneath:'Salvatoribusmundi'.

Thencameuponaworldinruinsananxiousyouth.Thechildrenweredropsofburningbloodwhichhadinundatedtheearth;theywereborninthebosomofwar,forwar.ForfifteenyearstheyhaddreamedofthesnowsofMoscowandofthesunofthePyramids.

Theyhadnotgonebeyondtheirnativetowns;buthadbeentoldthatthrougheachgatewayofthesetownslaytheroadtoacapitalofEurope.Theyhadintheirheadsaworld;theysawtheearth,thesky,thestreetsandthehighways;butthesewereempty,andthebellsofparishchurchesresoundedfaintlyinthedistance.

Palephantoms,shroudedinblackrobes,slowlytraversedthecountryside;someknockedatthedoorsofhouses,and,whenadmitted,drewfromtheirpocketslarge,well-worndocumentswithwhichtheyevictedthetenants.Fromeverydirectioncamemenstilltremblingwiththefearthathadseizedthemwhentheyhadfledtwentyyearsbefore.Allbegantourgetheirclaims,disputingloudlyandcryingforhelp;strangethatasingledeathshouldattractsomanybuzzards.

TheKingofFrancewasonhisthrone,lookinghereandtheretoseeifhecouldperchancefindabee[symbolofNapoleonD.W.]intheroyaltapestry.Somemenheldouttheirhats,andhegavethemmoney;othersextendedacrucifixandhekissedit;otherscontentedthemselveswith

pronouncinginhiseargreatnamesofpowerfulfamilies,andherepliedtothesebyinvitingthemintohisgrandsalle,wheretheechoesweremoresonorous;stillothersshowedhimtheiroldcloaks,whentheyhadcarefullyeffacedthebees,andtothesehegavenewrobes.

Thechildrensawallthis,thinkingthatthespiritofCaesarwouldsoonlandatCannesandbreatheuponthislarva;butthesilencewasunbroken,andtheysawfloatingintheskyonlythepalenessofthelily.Whenthesechildrenspokeofglory,theymettheanswer:

"Becomepriests;"whentheyspokeofhope,oflove,ofpower,oflife:"Becomepriests."

Andyetupontherostrumcameamanwhoheldinhishandacontractbetweenkingandpeople.Hebeganbysayingthatglorywasabeautifulthing,andambitionandwaraswell;buttherewassomethingstillmorebeautiful,anditwascalledliberty.

Thechildrenraisedtheirheadsandrememberedthatthustheirgrandfathershadspoken.TheyrememberedhavingseenincertainobscurecornersofthepaternalhomemysteriousbustswithlongmarblehairandaLatininscription;theyrememberedhowtheirgrandsiresshooktheirheadsandspokeofstreamsofbloodmoreterriblethanthoseofthe

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Empire.Somethinginthatwordlibertymadetheirheartsbeatwiththememoryofaterriblepastandthehopeofagloriousfuture.

Theytrembledattheword;butreturningtotheirhomestheyencounteredinthestreetthreecoffinswhichwerebeingbornetoClamart;withinwerethreeyoungmenwhohadpronouncedthatwordlibertytoodistinctly.

Astrangesmilehoveredontheirlipsatthatsadsight;butotherspeakers,mountedontherostrum,beganpubliclytoestimatewhatambitionhadcostandhowverydearwasglory;theypointedoutthehorrorofwarandcalledthebattle-lossesbutcheries.Theyspokesooftenandsolongthatallhumanillusions,likethetreesinautumn,fellleafbyleafaboutthem,andthosewholistenedpassedtheirhandsovertheirforeheadsasifawakeningfromafeverishdream.

Somesaid:"TheEmperorhasfallenbecausethepeoplewishednomoreofhim;"othersadded:"Thepeoplewishedtheking;no,liberty;no,reason;no,religion;no,theEnglishconstitution;no,absolutism;"andthelastonesaid:"No,noneofthesethings,butsimplypeace."

Threeelementsenteredintothelifewhichoffereditselftothesechildren:behindthemapastforeverdestroyed,stillquiveringonitsruinswithallthefossilsofcenturiesofabsolutism;beforethem

theauroraofanimmensehorizon,thefirstgleamsofthefuture;andbetweenthesetwoworlds--liketheoceanwhichseparatestheOldWorldfromtheNew--somethingvagueandfloating,atroubledseafilledwithwreckage,traversedfromtimetotimebysomedistantsailorsomeshiptrailingthickcloudsofsmoke;thepresent,inaword,whichseparatesthepastfromthefuture,whichisneithertheonenortheother,whichresemblesboth,andwhereonecannotknowwhether,ateachstep,onetreadsonlivingmatterorondeadrefuse.

Itwasinsuchchaosthatchoicehadtobemade;thiswastheaspectpresentedtochildrenfullofspiritandofaudacity,sonsoftheEmpireandgrandsonsoftheRevolution.

Asforthepast,theywouldnoneofit,theyhadnofaithinit;thefuture,theylovedit,buthow?AsPygmalionbeforeGalatea,itwasforthemaloverinmarble,andtheywaitedforthebreathoflifetoanimatethatbreast,forbloodtocolorthoseveins.

Thereremainedthenthepresent,thespiritofthetime,angelofthedawnwhichisneithernightnorday;theyfoundhimseatedonalime-sackfilledwithbones,cladinthemantleofegoism,andshiveringinterriblecold.Theanguishofdeathenteredintothesoulatthesightofthatspectre,halfmummyandhalffoetus;theyapproacheditasdoesthetravellerwhoisshownatStrasburgthedaughterofanoldcountofSarvenden,embalmedinherbride'sdress:thatchildishskeletonmakesoneshudder,forherslenderandlividhandwearsthe

wedding-ringandherheaddecaysenwreathedinorange-blossoms.

Asontheapproachofatempesttherepassesthroughtheforestsaterriblegustofwindwhichmakesthetreesshudder,towhichprofoundsilencesucceeds,sohadNapoleon,inpassing,shakentheworld;kingsfelttheircrownsoscillateinthestorm,and,raisinghandstosteadythem,foundonlytheirhair,bristlingwithterror.ThePopehadtravelledthreehundredleaguestoblesshiminthenameofGodandtocrownhimwiththediadem;butNapoleonhadtakenitfromhishands.ThuseverythingtrembledinthatdismalforestofoldEurope;then

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silencesucceeded.

Itissaidthatwhenyoumeetamaddog,ifyoukeepquietlyonyourwaywithoutturning,thedogwillmerelyfollowyouashortdistancegrowlingandshowinghisteeth;butifyouallowyourselftobefrightenedintoamovementofterror,ifyoubutmakeasuddenstep,hewillleapatyourthroatanddevouryou;thatwhenthefirstbitehasbeentakenthereisnoescapinghim.

InEuropeanhistoryithasoftenhappenedthatasovereignhasmadesuchamovementofterrorandhispeoplehavedevouredhim;butifonehaddoneit,allhadnotdoneitatthesametime--thatistosay,onekinghaddisappeared,butnotallroyalmajesty.BeforetheswordofNapoleonmajestymadethismovement,thisgesturewhichruinseverything,notonlymajestybutreligion,nobility,allpowerbothhumananddivine.

Napoleondead,humananddivinepowerwerereestablished,butbeliefinthemnolongerexisted.Aterribledangerlurksintheknowledgeofwhatispossible,forthemindalwaysgoesfarther.Itisonethingtosay:"Thatmaybe"andanotherthingtosay:"Thathasbeen;"itisthefirstbiteofthedog.

ThefallofNapoleonwasthelastflickerofthelampofdespotism;itdestroyedanditparodiedkingsasVoltairetheHolyScripture.And

afterhimwasheardagreatnoise:itwasthestoneofSt.Helenawhichhadjustfallenontheancientworld.Immediatelythereappearedintheheavensthecoldstarofreason,anditsrays,likethoseofthegoddessofthenight,sheddinglightwithoutheat,envelopedtheworldinalividshroud.

Therehadbeenthosewhohatedthenobles,whocriedoutagainstpriests,whoconspiredagainstkings;abusesandprejudiceshadbeenattacked;butallthatwasnotsogreatanoveltyastoseeasmilingpeople.Ifanobleorapriestorasovereignpassed,thepeasantswhohadmadewarpossiblebegantoshaketheirheadsandsay:"Ah!whenwesawthismaninsuchatimeandplaceheworeadifferentface."Andwhenthethroneandaltarwerementioned,theyreplied:"Theyaremade

offourplanksofwood;wehavenailedthemtogetherandtornthemapart."Andwhensomeonesaid:"People,youhaverecoveredfromtheerrorswhichledyouastray;youhaverecalledyourkingsandyourpriests,"theyreplied:"Wehavenothingtodowiththoseprattlers."Andwhensomeonesaid"People,forgetthepast,workandobey,"theyarosefromtheirseatsandadulljanglingcouldbeheard.Itwastherustyandnotchedsabreinthecornerofthecottagechimney.Thentheyhastenedtoadd:"Thenkeepquiet,atleast;ifnooneharmsyou,donotseektoharm."Alas!theywerecontentwiththat.

Butyouthwasnotcontent.Itiscertainthatthereareinmantwooccultpowersengagedinadeath-struggle:theone,clear-sightedandcold,isconcernedwithreality,calculation,weight,andjudgesthe

past;theotherisathirstforthefutureandeagerfortheunknown.Whenpassionswaysman,reasonfollowshimweepingandwarning,himofhisdanger;butwhenmanlistenstothevoiceofreason,whenhestopsatherrequestandsays:"WhatafoolIam;whereamIgoing?"passioncallstohim:"Ah,mustIdie?"

Afeelingofextremeuneasinessbegantofermentinallyounghearts.Condemnedtoinactionbythepowerswhichgovernedtheworld,deliveredtovulgarpedantsofeverykind,toidlenessandtoennui,theyouthsawthefoamingbillowswhichtheyhadpreparedtomeet,subside.Allthese

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gladiatorsglisteningwithoilfeltinthebottomoftheirsoulsaninsupportablewretchedness.Therichestbecamelibertines;thoseofmoderatefortunefollowedsomeprofessionandresignedthemselvestotheswordortothechurch.Thepoorestgavethemselvesupwithcoldenthusiasmtogreatthoughts,plungedintothefrightfulseaofaimlesseffort.Ashumanweaknessseeksassociationandasmenaregregariousbynature,politicsbecamemingledwithit.Therewerestruggleswiththe'gardeducorps'onthestepsofthelegislativeassembly;atthetheatreTalmaworeawigwhichmadehimresembleCaesar;everyoneflockedtotheburialofaLiberaldeputy.

Butofthemembersofthetwopartiestherewasnotonewho,uponreturninghome,didnotbitterlyrealizetheemptinessofhislifeandthefeeblenessofhishands.

Whilelifeoutsidewassocolorlessandsomean,theinnerlifeofsocietyassumedasombreaspectofsilence;hypocrisyruledinalldepartmentsofconduct;Englishideas,combininggayetywithdevotion,haddisappeared.PerhapsProvidencewasalreadypreparingnewways,perhapstheheraldangeloffuturesocietywasalreadysowingintheheartsofwomentheseedsofhumanindependence.Butitiscertainthatastrangethingsuddenlyhappened:inallthesalonsofParisthemenpassedononesideandthewomenontheother;andthus,theonecladinwhitelikebrides,andtheotherinblacklikeorphans,begantotake

measureofoneanotherwiththeeye.

Letusnotbedeceived:thatvestmentofblackwhichthemenofourtimewearisaterriblesymbol;beforecomingtothis,thearmormusthavefallenpiecebypieceandtheembroideryflowerbyflower.Humanreasonhasoverthrownallillusions;butitbearsinitselfsorrow,inorderthatitmaybeconsoled.

Thecustomsofstudentsandartists,thosecustomssofree,sobeautiful,sofullofyouth,begantoexperiencetheuniversalchange.Menintakingleaveofwomenwhisperedthewordwhichwoundstothedeath:contempt.Theyplungedintothedissipationofwineandcourtesans.Studentsandartistsdidthesame;lovewastreatedaswere

gloryandreligion:itwasanoldillusion.Thegrisette,thatwomansodreamy,soromantic,sotender,andsosweetinlove,abandonedherselftothecounting-houseandtotheshop.Shewaspoorandnoonelovedher;sheneededgownsandhatsandshesoldherself.Oh!misery!theyoungmanwhooughttoloveher,whomsheloved,whousedtotakehertothewoodsofVerrieresandRomainville,tothedancesonthelawn,tothesuppersunderthetrees;hewhousedtotalkwithherasshesatnearthelampintherearoftheshoponthelongwinterevenings;hewhosharedhercrustofbreadmoistenedwiththesweatofherbrow,andherloveatoncesublimeandpoor;he,thatsameman,afterabandoningher,findsherafteranightoforgy,paleandleaden,foreverlost,withhungeronherlipsandprostitutioninherheart.

Aboutthistimetwopoets,whosegeniuswassecondonlytothatofNapoleon,consecratedtheirlivestotheworkofcollectingtheelementsofanguishandofgriefscatteredovertheuniverse.Goethe,thepatriarchofanewliterature,afterpaintinginhisWeytherthepassionwhichleadstosuicide,tracedinhisFaustthemostsombrehumancharacterwhichhaseverrepresentedevilandunhappiness.HiswritingsbegantopassfromGermanyintoFrance.Fromhisstudio,surroundedbypicturesandstatues,rich,happy,andatease,hewatchedwithapaternalsmilehisgloomycreationsmarchingindismalprocessionacrossthefrontiersofFrance.Byronrepliedtohiminacryofgriefwhich

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madeGreecetremble,andhungManfredovertheabyss,asifoblivionwerethesolutionofthehideousenigmawithwhichheenvelopedhim.

Pardon,greatpoets!whoarenowbutashesandwhosleepinpeace!Pardon,yedemigods,forIamonlyachildwhosuffers.ButwhileIwriteallthisIcannotbutcurseyou.Whydidyounotsingoftheperfumeofflowers,ofthevoicesofnature,ofhopeandoflove,ofthevineandthesun,oftheazureheavensandofbeauty?Youmusthaveunderstoodlife,youmusthavesuffered;theworldwascrumblingtopiecesaboutyou;youweptonitsruinsandyoudespaired;yourmistresseswerefalse;yourfriendscalumniated,yourcompatriotsmisunderstood;yourheartwasempty;deathwasinyoureyes,andyouweretheColossiofgrief.Buttellme,nobleGoethe,wastherenomoreconsolingvoiceinthereligiousmurmurofyouroldGermanforests?You,forwhombeautifulpoesywasthesisterofscience,couldnottheyfindinimmortalnatureahealingplantfortheheartoftheirfavorite?You,whowereapantheist,andantiquepoetofGreece,aloverofsacredforms,couldyounotputalittlehoneyinthebeautifulvasesyoumade;youwhohadonlytosmileandallowthebeestocometoyourlips?Andthou,Byron,hadstthounotnearRavenna,undertheorange-treesofItaly,underthybeautifulVenetiansky,nearthyAdriatic,hadstthounotthywell-beloved?Oh,God!Iwhospeaktoyou,whoamonlyafeeblechild,haveperhapsknownsorrowsthatyouhaveneversuffered,andyetIbelieveandhope,andstillblessGod.

WhenEnglishandGermanideashadpassedthusoverourheadsthereensueddisgustandmournfulsilence,followedbyaterribleconvulsion.Fortoformulategeneralideasistochangesaltpetreintopowder,andtheHomericbrainofthegreatGoethehadsuckedup,asanalembic,allthejuiceoftheforbiddenfruit.Thosewhodidnotreadhim,didnotbelieveit,knewnothingofit.Poorcreatures!Theexplosioncarriedthemawaylikegrainsofdustintotheabyssofuniversaldoubt.

Itwasadenialofallheavenlyandearthlyfactsthatmightbetermeddisenchantment,orifyouwill,despair;asifhumanityinlethargyhadbeenpronounceddeadbythosewhofeltitspulse.Likeasoldierwhoisasked:"Inwhatdoyoubelieve?"andwhoreplies:"Inmyself,"sothe

youthofFrance,hearingthatquestion,replied:"Innothing."

Thenformedtwocamps:ononesidetheexaltedspirits,sufferers,alltheexpansivesoulswhoyearnedtowardtheinfinite,bowedtheirheadsandwept;theywrappedthemselvesinunhealthfuldreamsandnothingcouldbeseenbutbrokenreedsinanoceanofbitterness.Ontheothersidethematerialistsremainederect,inflexible,inthemidstofpositivejoys,andcaredfornothingexcepttocountthemoneytheyhadacquired.Itwasbutasobandaburstoflaughter,theonecomingfromthesoul,theotherfromthebody.

Thisiswhatthesoulsaid:

"Alas!Alas!religionhasdeparted;thecloudsofheavenfallinrain;wehavenolongereitherhopeorexpectation,noteventwolittlepiecesofblackwoodintheshapeofacrossbeforewhichtoclaspourhands.Thestarofthefutureisloathtoappear;itcannotriseabovethehorizon;itisenvelopedinclouds,andlikethesuninwinteritsdiscisthecolorofblood,asin'93.Thereisnomorelove,nomoreglory.Whatheavydarknessoveralltheearth!Anddeathwillcomeerethedaybreaks."

Thisiswhatthebodysaid:

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"Manisherebelowtosatisfyhissenses;hehasmoreorlessofwhiteoryellowmetal,bywhichhemeritsmoreorlessesteem.Toeat,todrink,andtosleep,thatislife.Asforthebondswhichexistbetweenmen,friendshipconsistsinloaningmoney;butonerarelyhasafriendwhomhelovesenoughforthat.Kinshipdeterminesinheritance;loveisanexerciseofthebody;theonlyintellectualjoyisvanity."

LiketheAsiaticplagueexhaledfromthevaporsoftheGanges,frightfuldespairstalkedovertheearth.AlreadyChateaubriand,princeofpoesy,wrappingthehorribleidolinhispilgrim'smantle,hadplaceditonamarblealtarinthemidstofperfumesandholyincense.Alreadythechildrenwereclenchingidlehandsanddrinkinginabittercupthepoisonedbrewageofdoubt.Alreadythingsweredriftingtowardtheabyss,whenthejackalssuddenlyemergedfromtheearth.Adeathlyandinfectedliterature,whichhadnoformbutthatofugliness,begantosprinklewithfetidbloodallthemonstersofnature.

Whowilldaretorecountwhatwaspassinginthecolleges?Mendoubtedeverything:theyoungmendeniedeverything.Thepoetssangofdespair;theyouthcamefromtheschoolswithserenebrow,theirfacesglowingwithhealth,andblasphemyintheirmouths.Moreover,theFrenchcharacter,beingbynaturegayandopen,readilyassimilatedEnglishandGermanideas;butheartstoolighttostruggleandtosufferwithered

likecrushedflowers.Thustheseedofdeathdescendedslowlyandwithoutshockfromtheheadtothebowels.Insteadofhavingtheenthusiasmofevilwehadonlythenegationofthegood;insteadofdespair,insensibility.Childrenoffifteen,seatedlistlesslyunderfloweringshrubs,conversedforpastimeonsubjectswhichwouldhavemadeshudderwithterrorthestillthicketsofVersailles.TheCommunionofChrist,theHost,thosewafersthatstandastheeternalsymbolofdivinelove,wereusedtosealletters;thechildrenspitupontheBreadofGod.

Happytheywhoescapedthosetimes!HappytheywhopassedovertheabysswhilelookinguptoHeaven.Therearesuch,doubtless,andtheywillpityus.

Itisunfortunatelytruethatthereisinblasphemyacertainoutletwhichsolacestheburdenedheart.Whenanatheist,drawinghiswatch,gaveGodaquarterofanhourinwhichtostrikehimdead,itiscertainthatitwasaquarterofanhourofwrathandofatrociousjoy.Itwastheparoxysmofdespair,anamelessappealtoallcelestialpowers;itwasapoor,wretchedcreaturesquirmingunderthefootthatwascrushinghim;itwasaloudcryofpain.Whoknows?IntheeyesofHimwhoseesallthings,itwasperhapsaprayer.

Thustheseyouthfoundemploymentfortheiridlepowersinafondnessfordespair.Toscoffatglory,atreligion,atlove,atalltheworld,isagreatconsolationforthosewhodonotknowwhattodo;theymock

atthemselves,andindoingsoprovethecorrectnessoftheirview.Andthenitispleasanttobelieveone'sselfunhappywhenoneisonlyidleandtired.Debauchery,moreover,thefirstresultoftheprinciplesofdeath,isaterriblemillstoneforgrindingtheenergies.

Therichsaid:"Thereisnothingrealbutriches,allelseisadream;letusenjoyandthenletusdie."Thoseofmoderatefortunesaid:"Thereisnothingrealbutoblivion,allelseisadream;letusforgetandletusdie."Andthepoorsaid:"Thereisnothingrealbutunhappiness,allelseisadream;letusblasphemeanddie."

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Isthistooblack?Isitexaggerated?Whatdoyouthinkofit?AmIamisanthrope?Allowmetomakeareflection.

InreadingthehistoryofthefalloftheRomanEmpire,itisimpossibletooverlooktheevilthattheChristians,soadmirablewheninthedesert,didtotheStatewhentheywereinpower."WhenIthink,"saidMontesquieu,"oftheprofoundignoranceintowhichtheGreekclergyplungedthelaity,IamobligedtocomparethemtotheScythiansofwhomHerodotusspeaks,whoputouttheeyesoftheirslavesinorderthatnothingmightdistracttheirattentionfromtheirwork....NoaffairofState,nopeace,notruce,nonegotiations,nomarriagecouldbetransactedbyanyonebuttheclergy.Theevilsofthissystemwerebeyondbelief."

Montesquieumighthaveadded:Christianitydestroyedtheemperorsbutitsavedthepeople.ItopenedtothebarbariansthepalacesofConstantinople,butitopenedthedoorsofcottagestotheministeringangelsofChrist.Ithadmuchtodowiththegreatonesofearth.Andwhatismoreinterestingthanthedeath-rattleofanempirecorrupttotheverymarrowofitsbones,thanthesombregalvanismundertheinfluenceofwhichtheskeletonoftyrannydanceduponthetombsofHeliogabalusandCaracalla?HowbeautifulthatmummyofRome,embalmedintheperfumesofNeroandswathedintheshroudofTiberius!Ithad

todo,myfriendsthepoliticians,withfindingthepoorandgivingthemlifeandpeace;ithadtodowithallowingthewormsandtumorstodestroythemonumentsofshame,whiledrawingfromtheribsofthismummyavirginasbeautifulasthemotheroftheRedeemer,Hope,thefriendoftheoppressed.

ThatiswhatChristianitydid;andnow,aftermanyyears,whathavetheydonewhodestroyedit?Theysawthatthepoorallowedthemselvestobeoppressedbytherich,thefeeblebythestrong,becauseofthatsaying:"Therichandthestrongwilloppressmeonearth;butwhentheywishtoenterparadise,IshallbeatthedoorandIwillaccusethembeforethetribunalofGod."Andso,alas!theywerepatient.

TheantagonistsofChristthereforesaidtothepoor:"Youwaitpatientlyforthedayofjustice:thereisnojustice;youwaitforthelifeeternaltoachieveyourvengeance:thereisnolifeeternal;yougatherupyourtearsandthoseofyourfamily,thecriesofchildrenandthesobsofwomen,toplacethematthefeetofGodatthehourofdeath:thereisnoGod."

Thenitiscertainthatthepoormandriedhistears,thathetoldhiswifetocheckhersobs,hischildrentocomewithhim,andthathestooderectuponthesoilwiththepowerofabull.Hesaidtotherich:"Thouwhooppressestme,thouartonlyman,"andtothepriest:"Thouwhohastconsoledme,thouhastlied."ThatwasjustwhattheantagonistsofChristdesired.Perhapstheythoughtthiswasthewaytoachieveman's

happiness,sendinghimouttotheconquestofliberty.

But,ifthepoorman,oncesatisfiedthatthepriestsdeceivehim,thattherichrobhim,thatallmenhaverights,thatallgoodisofthisworld,andthatmiseryisimpiety;ifthepoorman,believinginhimselfandinhistwoarms,saystohimselfsomefineday:"Warontherich!Forme,happinesshereinthislife,sincethereisnoother!forme,theearth,sinceheavenisempty!formeandforall,sinceallareequal."Oh!reasonerssublime,whohaveledhimtothis,whatwillyousaytohimifheisconquered?

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Doubtlessyouarephilanthropists,doubtlessyouarerightaboutthefuture,andthedaywillcomewhenyouwillbeblessed;butthusfar,wehavenotblessedyou.Whentheoppressorsaid:"Thisworldforme!"theoppressedreplied:"Heavenforme!"Nowwhatcanhesay?

Alltheevilsofthepresentcomefromtwocauses:thepeoplewhohavepassedthrough1793and1814nursewoundsintheirhearts.Thatwhichwasisnomore;whatwillbe,isnotyet.Donotseekelsewherethecauseofourmalady.

Hereisamanwhosehousefallsinruins;hehastornitdowninordertobuildanother.Therubbishencumbersthespot,andhewaitsfornewmaterialsforhisnewhome.Atthemomenthehaspreparedtocutthestoneandmixthecement,whilestandingpickinhandwithsleevesrolledup,heisinformedthatthereisnomorestone,andisadvisedtowhitentheoldmaterialandmakethebestpossibleuseofthat.Whatcanyouexpectthismantodowhoisunwillingtobuildhisnestoutofruins?Thequarryisdeep,thetoolstooweaktohewoutthestones."Wait!"theysaytohim,"wewilldrawoutthestonesonebyone;hope,work,advance,withdraw."Whatdotheynottellhim?Andinthemeantimehehaslosthisoldhouse,andhasnotyetbuiltthenew;hedoesnotknowwheretoprotecthimselffromtherain,orhowtopreparehiseveningmeal,norwheretowork,norwheretosleep,norwheretodie;

andhischildrenarenewlyborn.

Iammuchdeceivedifwedonotresemblethatman.Oh!peopleofthefuture!whenonawarmsummerdayyoubendoveryourplowsinthegreenfieldsofyournativeland;whenyouseeinthepuresunlight,underaspotlesssky,theearth,yourfruitfulmother,smilinginhermatutinalrobeontheworkman,herwell-belovedchild;whendryingonyourbrowtheholybaptismofsweat,youcastyoureyeoverthevasthorizon,wheretherewillnotbeonebladehigherthananotherinthehumanharvest,butonlyvioletsandmargueritesinthemidstofripeningears;oh!freemen!whenyouthankGodthatyouwerebornforthatharvest,thinkofthosewhoarenomore,tellyourselfthatwehavedearlypurchasedthereposewhichyouenjoy;pityusmorethanallyour

fathers,forwehavesufferedtheevilwhichentitledthemtopityandwehavelostthatwhichconsoledthem.

CHAPTERIII.THEBEGINNINGOFTHECONFESSIONS

IhavetoexplainhowIwasfirsttakenwiththemaladyoftheage.

Iwasattable,atagreatsupper,afteramasquerade.Aboutmeweremyfriends,richlycostumed,onallsidesyoungmenandwomen,allsparklingwithbeautyandjoy;ontherightandontheleftexquisite

dishes,flagons,splendor,flowers;abovemyheadwasanobstreperousorchestra,andbeforememylovedone,whomIidolized.

Iwasthennineteen;Ihadpassedthroughnogreatmisfortune,Ihadsufferedfromnodisease;mycharacterwasatoncehaughtyandfrank,myheartfullofthehopesofyouth.Thefumesofwinefermentedinmyhead;itwasoneofthosemomentsofintoxicationwhenallthatoneseesandhearsspeakstooneofthewell-beloved.Allnatureappearedabeautifulstonewithathousandfacets,onwhichwasengraventhemysteriousname.Onewouldwillinglyembraceallwhosmile,andfeel

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thatheisbrotherofallwholive.Mymistresshadgrantedmearendezvous,andIwasgentlyraisingmyglasstomylipswhilemyeyeswerefixedonher.

AsIturnedtotakeanapkin,myforkfell.Istoopedtopickitup,andnotfindingitatfirstIraisedthetableclothtoseewhereithadrolled.Ithensawunderthetablemymistress'sfoot;ittouchedthatofayoungmanseatedbesideher;fromtimetotimetheyexchangedagentlepressure.

Perfectlycalm,Iaskedforanotherforkandcontinuedmysupper.Mymistressandherneighbor,ontheirside,wereveryquiet,talkingbutlittleandneverlookingateachother.Theyoungmanhadhiselbowsonthetableandwaschattingwithanotherwoman,whowasshowinghimhernecklaceandbracelets.Mymistresssatmotionless,hereyesfixedandswimmingwithlanguor.Iwatchedbothofthemduringtheentiresupper,andIsawnothingeitherintheirgesturesorintheirfacesthatcouldbetraythem.Finally,atdessert,Idroppedmynapkin,andstoopingdownsawthattheywerestillinthesameposition.

Ihadpromisedtoescortmymistresstoherhomethatnight.Shewasawidowandthereforefree,livingalonewithanoldrelativewhoservedaschaperon.AsIwascrossingthehallshecalledtome:

"Come,Octave!"shesaid,"letusgo;hereIam."

Ilaughed,andpassedoutwithoutreplying.AfterwalkingashortdistanceIsatdownonastoneprojectingfromawall.Idonotknowwhatmythoughtswere;IsatasifstupefiedbytheunfaithfulnessofoneofwhomIhadneverbeenjealous,whomIhadneverhadcausetosuspect.WhatIhadseenleftnoroomfordoubt;Iwasfelledasifbyastrokefromaclub.TheonlythingIrememberdoingasIsatthere,waslookingmechanicallyupatthesky,and,seeingastarshootacrosstheheavens,Isalutedthatfugitivegleam,inwhichpoetsseeaworn-outworld,andgravelytookoffmyhattoit.

Ireturnedtomyhomeveryquietly,experiencingnothing,asifdeprived

ofallsensationandreflection.Iundressedandretired;hardlyhadmyheadtouchedthepillowwhenthespiritofvengeanceseizedmewithsuchforcethatIsuddenlysatboltuprightagainstthewallasifallmymusclesweremadeofwood.Ithenjumpedfrommybedwithacryofpain;Icouldwalkonlyonmyheels,thenervesinmytoesweresoirritated.Ipassedanhourinthisway,completelybesidemyself,andstiffasaskeleton.ItwasthefirstburstofpassionIhadeverexperienced.

ThemanIhadsurprisedwithmymistresswasoneofmymostintimatefriends.Iwenttohishousethenextday,incompanywithayounglawyernamedDesgenais;wetookpistols,anotherwitness,andrepairedtothewoodsofVincennes.OnthewayIavoidedspeakingtomyadversaryorevenapproachinghim;thusIresistedthetemptationtoinsultor

strikehim,auselessformofviolenceatatimewhenthelawrecognizedthecode.ButIcouldnotremovemyeyesfromhim.Hewasthecompanionofmychildhood,andwehadlivedintheclosestintimacyformanyyears.Heunderstoodperfectlymyloveformymistress,andhadseveraltimesintimatedthatbondsofthiskindweresacredtoafriend,andthathewouldbeincapableofanattempttosupplantme,evenifhelovedthesamewoman.Inshort,IhadperfectconfidenceinhimandIhadperhapsneverpressedthehandofanyhumancreaturemorecordiallythanhis.

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EagerlyandcuriouslyIscrutinizedthismanwhomIhadheardspeakoflovelikeanantiqueheroandwhomyetIhadcaughtcaressingmymistress.ItwasthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadseenamonster;Imeasuredhimwithahaggardeyetoseewhatmannerofmanwasthis.HewhomIhadknownsincehewastenyearsold,withwhomIhadlivedinthemostperfectfriendship,itseemedtomeIhadneverseenhim.Allowmeacomparison.

ThereisaSpanishplay,familiartoalltheworld,inwhichastonestatuecomestosupwithaprofligate,sentthitherbydivinejustice.Theprofligateputsagoodfaceonthematterandforceshimselftoaffectindifference;butthestatueasksforhishand,andwhenhehasextendedithefeelshimselfseizedbyamortalchillandfallsinconvulsions.

WheneverIhavelovedandconfidedinanyone,eitherfriendormistress,andsuddenlydiscoverthatIhavebeendeceived,Icanonlydescribetheeffectproducedonmebycomparingittotheclaspofthatmarblehand.Itistheactualimpressionofmarble,itisasifamanofstonehadembracedme.Alas!thishorribleapparitionhasknockedmorethanonceatmydoor;morethanoncewehavesuppedtogether.

Whenthearrangementswereallmadeweplacedourselvesinline,facingeachotherandslowlyadvancing.Myadversaryfiredthefirstshot,

woundingmeintherightarm.Iimmediatelyseizedmypistolintheotherhand;butmystrengthfailed,Icouldnotraiseit;Ifellononeknee.

ThenIsawmyenemyrunninguptomewithanexpressionofgreatanxietyonhisface,andverypale.SeeingthatIwaswounded,mysecondshastenedtomyside,buthepushedthemasideandseizedmywoundedarm.Histeethwereset,andIcouldseethathewassufferingintenseanguish.Hisagonywasasfrightfulasmancanexperience.

"Go!"hecried;"go,stanchyourwoundatthehouseof-----"

Hechoked,andsodidI.

Iwasplacedinacab,whereIfoundaphysician.Mywoundwasnotdangerous,thebonebeinguntouched,butIwasinsuchastateofexcitationthatitwasimpossibleproperlytodressmywound.AstheywereabouttodrivefromthefieldIsawatremblinghandatthedoorofmycab;itwasthatofmyadversary.Ishookmyheadinreply;IwasinsucharagethatIcouldnotpardonhim,althoughIfeltthathisrepentancewassincere.

BythetimeIreachedhomeIhadlostmuchbloodandfeltrelieved,forfeeblenesssavedmefromtheangerwhichwasdoingmemoreharmthanmywound.Iwillinglyretiredtomybedandcalledforaglassofwater,whichIgulpeddownwithrelish.

ButIwassoonattackedbyfever.ItwasthenIbegantoshedtears.Icouldunderstandthatmymistresshadceasedtoloveme,butnotthatshecoulddeceiveme.Icouldnotcomprehendwhyawoman,whowasforcedtoitbyneitherdutynorinterest,couldlietoonemanwhenshelovedanother.TwentytimesadayIaskedmyfriendDesgenaishowthatcouldbepossible.

"IfIwereherhusband,"Isaid,"orifIsupportedher,Icouldeasilyunderstandhowshemightbetemptedtodeceiveme;butifshenolonger

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lovesme,whydeceiveme?"

Ididnotunderstandhowanyonecouldlieforlove;Iwasbutachild,then,butIconfessthatIdonotunderstandityet.EverytimeIhavelovedawomanIhavetoldherofit,andwhenIceasedtoloveherIhaveconfesseditwiththesamesincerity,havingalwaysthoughtthatinmattersofthiskindthewillwasnotconcernedandthattherewasnocrimebutfalsehood.

ToallthisDesgenaisreplied:

"Sheisunworthy;promisemethatyouwillneverseeheragain."

Isolemnlypromised.Headvisedme,moreover,nottowritetoher,noteventoreproachher,andifshewrotetomenottoreply.Ipromisedall,withsomesurprisethatheshouldconsideritnecessarytoexactsuchapledge.

Nevertheless,thefirstthingIdidwhenIwasabletoleavemyroomwastovisitmymistress.Ifoundheralone,seatedinthecornerofherroom,withanexpressionofsorrowonherfaceandanappearanceofgeneraldisorderinhersurroundings.Ioverwhelmedherwithviolentreproaches;Iwasintoxicatedwithdespair.InaparoxysmofgriefIfellonthebedandgavefreecoursetomytears.

"Ah!faithlessone!wretch!"Icriedbetweenmysobs,"youknewthatitwouldkillme.Didtheprospectpleaseyou?WhathaveIdonetoyou?"

Shethrewherarmsaroundmyneck,sayingthatshehadbeentempted,thatmyrivalhadintoxicatedheratthatfatalsupper,butthatshehadneverbeenhis;thatshehadabandonedherselfinamomentofforgetfulness;thatshehadcommittedafaultbutnotacrime;butthatifIwouldnotpardonher,she,too,woulddie.Allthatsincererepentancehasoftears,allthatsorrowhasofeloquence,sheexhaustedinordertoconsoleme;paleanddistraught,herdressderanged,herhairfallingoverhershoulders,shekneeledinthemiddleofherchamber;neverhaveIseenanythingsobeautiful,andIshudderedwith

horrorasmysensesrevoltedatthesight.

Iwentawaycrushed,scarcelyabletodirectmytotteringsteps.Iwishednevertoseeheragain;butinaquarterofanhourIreturned.IdonotknowwhatdesperateresolveIhadformed;Iexperiencedafulldesiretoknowhermineoncemore,todrainthecupoftearsandbitternesstothedregs,andthentodiewithher.InshortIabhorredher,yetIidolizedher;Ifeltthatherlovewasruin,butthattolivewithoutherwasimpossible.Imountedthestairslikeaflash;Ispoketononeoftheservants,but,familiarwiththehouse,openedthedoorofherchamber.

Ifoundherseatedcalmlybeforehertoilette-table,coveredwith

jewels;sheheldinherhandapieceofredcrepewhichshepassedgentlyoverhercheeks.IthoughtIwasdreaming;itdidnotseempossiblethatthiswasthewomanIhadleft,justfifteenminutesbefore,overwhelmedwithgrief,abasedtothefloor;Iwasasmotionlessasastatue.She,hearingthedooropen,turnedherheadandsmiled:

"Isityou?"shesaid.

Shewasgoingtoaballandwasexpectingmyrival.Assherecognizedme,shecompressedherlipsandfrowned.

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Istartedtoleavetheroom.Ilookedatherbareneck,litheandperfumed,onwhichrestedherknottedhairconfinedbyajewelledcomb;thatneck,theseatofvitalforce,wasblackerthanhell;twoshiningtresseshadfallenthereandsomelightsilvernhairsbalancedaboveit.Hershouldersandneck,whiterthanmilk,displayedaheavygrowthofdown.Therewasinthatknottedmassofhairsomethingmaddeninglylovely,whichseemedtomockmewhenIthoughtofthesorrowfulabandoninwhichIhadseenheramomentbefore.Isuddenlysteppeduptoherandstruckthatneckwiththebackofmyhand.Mymistressgaveventtoacryofterror,andfellonherhands,whileIhastenedfromtheroom.

WhenIreachedmyroomIwasagainattackedbyfeverandwasobligedtotaketomybed.MywoundhadreopenedandIsufferedgreatpain.DesgenaiscametoseemeandItoldhimwhathadhappened.Helistenedinsilence,thenpacedupanddowntheroomasifundecidedastohisnextcourse.Finallyhestoppedbeforemybedandburstoutlaughing.

"Issheyourfirstlove?"heasked.

"No!"Ireplied,"sheismylast."

Towardmidnight,whilesleepingrestlessly,Iseemedtohearinmydreamsaprofoundsigh.Iopenedmyeyesandsawmymistressstanding

nearmybedwitharmscrossed,lookinglikeaspectre.Icouldnotrestrainacryoffright,believingittobeanapparitionconjuredupbymydiseasedbrain.Ileapedfrommybedandfledtothefartherendoftheroom;butshefollowedme.

"ItisI!"saidshe;puttingherarmsaroundme,shedrewmetoher.

"Whatdoyouwantofme?"Icried."Leave,me!IfearIshallkillyou!"

"Verywell,killme!"shesaid."Ihavedeceivedyou,Ihaveliedtoyou,IamaninfamouswretchandIammiserable;butIloveyou,andIcannotlivewithoutyou."

Ilookedather;howbeautifulshewas!Herbodywasquivering;hereyeswerelanguidwithloveandmoistwithvoluptuousness;herbosomwasbare,herlipswereburning.Iraisedherinmyarms.

"Verywell,"Isaid,"butbeforeGodwhoseesus,bythesoulofmyfather,IswearthatIwillkillyouandthatIwilldiewithyou."

Itookaknifefromthetableandplaceditunderthepillow.

"Come,Octave,"shesaid,smilingandkissingme,"donotbefoolish.Come,mydear,allthesehorrorshaveunsettledyourmind;youarefeverish.Givemethatknife."

Isawthatshewishedtotakeit.

"Listentome,"Ithensaid;"Idonotknowwhatcomedyyouareplaying,butasformeIaminearnest.Ihavelovedyouasonlymancanlove,andtomysorrowIloveyoustill.Youhavejusttoldmethatyouloveme,andIhopeitistrue;but,byallthatissacred,ifIamyourloverto-night,nooneshalltakemyplacetomorrow.BeforeGod,beforeGod,"Irepeated,"Iwouldnottakeyoubackasmymistress,forIhateyouasmuchasIloveyou.BeforeGod,ifyouwishtostayhereto-nightIwillkillyouinthemorning."

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WhenIhadspokenthesewordsIfellintoadelirium.Shethrewhercloakoverhershouldersandfledfromtheroom.

WhenItoldDesgenaisaboutithesaid:

"Whydidyoudothat?Youmustbeverymuchdisgusted,forsheisabeautifulwoman."

"Areyoujoking?"Iasked."Doyouthinksuchawomancouldbemymistress?DoyouthinkIwouldeverconsenttoshareherwithanother?Doyouknowthatsheconfessesthatanotherattractsher,anddoyouexpectme,lovingherasIdo,tosharemylove?Ifthatisthewayyoulove,Ipityyou."

Desgenaisrepliedthathewasnotsoparticular.

"MydearOctave,"headded,"youareveryyoung.Youwantmanythings,beautifulthings,whichdonotexist.Youbelieveinasingularsortoflove;perhapsyouarecapableofit;Ibelieveyouare,butIdonotenvyyou.Youwillhaveothermistresses,myfriend,andyouwilllivetoregretwhathappenedlastnight.Ifthatwomancametoyouitiscertainthatshelovedyou;perhapsshedoesnotloveyouatthismoment--indeed,shemaybeinthearmsofanother;butshelovedyou

lastnightinthatroom;andwhatshouldyoucarefortherest?Youwillregretit,believeme,forshewillnotcomeagain.Awomanpardonseverythingexceptsuchaslight.Herloveforyoumusthavebeensomethingterriblewhenshecametoyouknowingandconfessingherselfguilty,riskingrebuffandcontemptatyourhands.Believeme,youwillregretit,forIamsatisfiedthatyouwillsoonbecured."

Therewassuchanairofsimpleconvictionaboutmyfriend'swords,suchadespairingcertaintybasedonexperience,thatIshudderedasIlistened.WhilehewasspeakingIfeltastrongdesiretogotomymistress,ortowritetohertocometome.IwassoweakthatIcouldnotleavemybed,andthatsavedmefromtheshameoffindingherwaitingformyrivalorperhapsinhiscompany.ButIcouldwriteto

her;inspiteofmyselfIdoubtedwhethershewouldcomeifIshouldwrite.

WhenDesgenaisleftmeIbecamesodesperatethatIresolvedtoputanendtomytrouble.Afteraterriblestruggle,horrorgotthebetteroflove.IwrotemymistressthatIwouldneverseeheragain,andbeggedhernottotrytoseemeunlessshewishedtobeexposedtotheshameofbeingrefusedadmittance.Icalledaservantandorderedhimtodelivertheletteratonce.HehadhardlyclosedthedoorwhenIcalledhimback.Hedidnothearme;Ididnotdarecallagain;coveringmyfacewithmyhands,Iyieldedtoanoverwhelmingsenseofdespair.

CHAPTERIV.THEPATHOFDESPAIR

Thenextmorningthefirstquestionthatoccurredtomymindwas:"WhatshallIdo?"

Ihadnooccupation.Ihadstudiedmedicineandlawwithoutbeingabletodecideoneitherofthetwocareers;Ihadworkedforabankerforsixmonths,andmyservicesweresounsatisfactorythatIwasobliged

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toresigntoavoidbeingdischarged.Mystudieshadbeenvariedbutsuperficial;mymemorywasactivebutnotretentive.

Myonlytreasure,afterlove,wasreserve.InmychildhoodIhaddevotedmyselftoasolitarywayoflife,andhad,sotospeak,consecratedmyhearttoit.Onedaymyfather,solicitousaboutmyfuture,spoketomeofseveralcareersamongwhichheallowedmetochoose.Iwasleaningonthewindow-sill,lookingatasolitarypoplar-treethatwasswayinginthebreezedowninthegarden.IthoughtoverallthevariousoccupationsandwonderedwhichoneIshouldchoose.Iturnedthemallover,oneafteranother,inmymind,andthen,notfeelinginclinedtoanyofthem,Iallowedmythoughtstowander.SuddenlyitseemedtomethatIfelttheearthmove,andthatasecret,invisibleforcewasslowlydraggingmeintospaceandbecomingtangibletomysenses.Isawitmountintothesky;Iseemedtobeonaship;thepoplarnearmywindowresembledamast;Iarose,stretchedoutmyarms,andcried:

"Itislittleenoughtobeapassengerforonedayonthisshipfloatingthroughspace;itislittleenoughtobeaman,ablackpointonthatship;Iwillbeaman,butnotanyparticularkindofman."

Suchwasthefirstvowthat,attheageoffourteen,Ipronouncedinthefaceofnature,andsincethenIhavedonenothing,exceptinobediencetomyfather,neverbeingabletoovercomemyrepugnance.

Iwasthereforefree,notthroughindolencebutbychoice;loving,moreover,allthatGodhadmadeandverylittlethatmanhadmade.OflifeIknewnothingbutlove,oftheworldonlymymistress,andIdidnotcaretoknowanythingmore.So,fallinginloveuponleavingcollege,Isincerelybelievedthatitwasforlife,andeveryotherthoughtdisappeared.

Mylifewasindolent.Iwasaccustomedtopassthedaywithmymistress;mygreatestpleasurewastotakeherthroughthefieldsonbeautifulsummerdays,thesightofnatureinhersplendorhavingeverbeenformethemostpowerfulincentivetolove.Inwinter,assheenjoyedsociety,weattendednumerousballsandmasquerades,andbecauseIthoughtofno

onebutherIfondlyimaginedherequallytruetome.

TogiveyouanideaofmystateofmindIcannotdobetterthancompareittooneofthoseroomsweseenowadaysinwhicharecollectedandmingledthefurnitureofalltimesandcountries.Ouragehasnoimpressofitsown.Wehaveimpressedthesealofourtimeneitheronourhousesnorourgardens,noronanythingthatisours.OnthestreetmaybeseenmenwhohavetheirbeardstrimmedasinthetimeofHenryIII,otherswhoareclean-shaven,otherswhohavetheirhairarrangedasinthetimeofRaphael,othersasinthetimeofChrist.Sothehomesofthericharecabinetsofcuriosities:theantique,thegothic,thestyleoftheRenaissance,thatofLouisXIII,allpell-mell.Inshort,wehaveeverycenturyexceptourown--athingwhichhasneverbeenseenatanyother

epoch:eclecticismisourtaste;wetakeeverythingwefind,thisforbeauty,thatforutility,anotherforantiquity,stillanotherforitsuglinesseven,sothatwelivesurroundedbydebris,asiftheendoftheworldwereathand.

Suchwasthestateofmymind;Ihadreadmuch;moreoverIhadlearnedtopaint.Iknewbyheartagreatmanythings,butnothinginorder,sothatmyheadwaslikeasponge,swollenbutempty.Ifellinlovewithallthepoetsoneafteranother;butbeingofanimpressionablenaturethelastacquaintancedisgustedmewiththerest.Ihadmadeofmyself

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agreatwarehouseofoddsandends,sothathavingnomorethirstafterdrinkingofthenovelandtheunknown,Ibecameanodditymyself.

Nevertheless,aboutmetherewasstillsomethingofyouth:itwasthehopeofmyheart,whichwasstillchildlike.

Thathope,whichnothinghadwitheredorcorruptedandwhichlovehadexaltedtoexcess,hadnowreceivedamortalwound.Theperfidyofmymistresshadstruckdeep,andwhenIthoughtofit,Ifeltinmysoulaswooningaway,theconvulsiveflutterofawoundedbirdinagony.

Society,whichworkssomuchevil,islikethatserpentoftheIndieswhosehabitatisunderashrub,theleavesofwhichaffordtheantidotetoitsvenom;innearlyeverycaseitbringstheremedywiththewounditcauses.Forexample,themanwhoselifeisoneofroutine,whohashisbusinesscarestoclaimhisattentionuponrising,visitsatonehour,lovesatanother,canlosehismistressandsuffernoevileffects.Hisoccupationsandhisthoughtsarelikeimpassivesoldiersrangedinlineofbattle;asingleshotstrikesonedown,hisneighborsclosethegapandthelineisintact.

Ihadnotthatresource,sinceIwasalone:nature,thekindmother,seemed,onthecontrary,vasterandmoreemptythanbefore.HadIbeenabletoforgetmymistress,Ishouldhavebeensaved.Howmanythere

arewhocanbecuredwithevenlessthanthat.Suchmenareincapableoflovingafaithlesswoman,andtheirconduct,underthecircumstances,isadmirableinitsfirmness.Butisitthusonelovesatnineteenwhen,knowingnothingoftheworld,desiringeverything,onefeels,within,thegermofallthepassions?Everywheresomevoiceappealstohim.Allisdesire,allisrevery.Thereisnorealitywhichholdshimwhentheheartisyoung;thereisnooaksognarledthatitmaynotgivebirthtoadryad;andifonehadahundredarmsoneneednotfeartoopenthem;onehasbuttoclasphismistressandalliswell.

Asforme,Ididnotunderstandwhatelsetherewastodobutlove,andwhenanyonespoketomeofotheroccupationsIdidnotreply.Mypassionformymistresshadsomethingfierceaboutit,forallmylife

hadbeenseverelymonachal.Letmeciteasingleinstance.Shegavemeherminiatureinamedallion.Iworeitovermyheart,apracticemuchaffectedbymen;butoneday,whileidlyrummagingaboutashopfilledwithcuriosities,Ifoundaniron"disciplinewhip"suchaswasusedbythemediaevalflagellants.Attheendofthiswhipwasametalplatebristlingwithsharpironpoints;Ihadthemedallionrivetedtothisplateandthenreturnedittoitsplaceovermyheart.Thesharppointspiercedmybosomwitheverymovementandcausedsuchstrange,voluptuousanguishthatIsometimespresseditdownwithmyhandinordertointensifythesensation.IknewverywellthatIwascommittingafolly;loveisresponsibleformanysuchidiocies.

ButsincethiswomandeceivedmeIloathedthecruelmedallion.Ican

nottellwithwhatsadnessIremovedthatironcirclet,andwhatasighescapedmewhenitwasgone.

"Ah!poorwounds!"Isaid,"youwillsoonheal,butwhatbalmisthereforthatotherdeeperwound?"

Ihadreasontohatethiswoman;shewas,sotospeak,mingledwiththebloodofmyveins;Icursedher,butIdreamedofher.WhatcouldIdowithadream?BywhateffortofthewillcouldIdrownamemoryoffleshandblood?LadyMacbeth,havingkilledDuncan,sawthattheoceanwould

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notwashherhandscleanagain;itwouldnothavewashedawaymywounds.IsaidtoDesgenais:"WhenIsleep,herheadisonmypillow."

Mylifehadbeenwrappedupinthiswoman;todoubtherwastodoubtall;todenyher,tocurseall;toloseher,torenounceall.Inolongerwentout;theworldseemedpeopledwithmonsters,withhorneddeerandcrocodiles.Toallthatwassaidtodistractmymind,Ireplied:

"Yes,thatisallverywell,butyoumayrestassuredIshalldonothingofthekind."

Isatinmywindowandsaid:

"Shewillcome,Iamsureofit;sheiscoming,sheisturningthecorneratthismoment,Icanfeelherapproach.ShecannomorelivewithoutmethanIwithouther.WhatshallIsay?HowshallIreceiveher?"

Thenthethoughtofherperfidyoccurredtome.

"Ah!lethercome!Iwillkillher!"

SincemylastletterIhadheardnothingofher.

"Whatisshedoing?"Iaskedmyself."Shelovesanother?ThenIwillloveanotheralso.WhomshallIlove?"

Whilethinking,Iheardafardistantvoicecrying:

"Thou,loveanother?Twobeingswholove,whoembrace,andwhoarenotthouandI!Issuchathingpossible?Areyouafool?"

"Coward!"saidDesgenais,"whenwillyouforgetthatwoman?Isshesuchagreatloss?Takethefirstcomerandconsoleyourself."

"No,"Ireplied,"itisnotsuchagreatloss.HaveInotdonewhatI

ought?HaveInotdrivenherawayfromhere?Whathaveyoutosaytothat?Therestconcernsme;thebullwoundedinthearenacanliedowninacornerwiththeswordofthematador'twixthisshoulders,anddieinpeace.WhatcanIdo,tellme?Whatdoyoumeanbyfirstcomer?Youwillshowmeacloudlesssky,treesandhouses,menwhotalk,drink,sing,womenwhodanceandhorsesthatgallop.Allthatisnotlife,itisthenoiseoflife.Go,go,leavemeinpeace."

CHAPTERV.APHILOSOPHER'SADVICE

Desgenaissawthatmydespairwasincurable,thatIwouldneitherlistentoanyadvicenorleavemyroom,hetookthethingseriously.Isawhimenteroneeveningwithanexpressionofgravityonhisface;hespokeofmymistressandcontinuedinhistoneofpersiflage,sayingallmannerofevilofwomen.WhilehewasspeakingIwasleaningonmyelbow,and,risinginmybed,Ilistenedattentively.

Itwasoneofthosesombreeveningswhenthesighingofthewindrecallsthemoaningofadyingman.Afitfulstormwasbrewing,andbetweentheplashesofrainonthewindowstherewasthesilenceofdeath.All

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naturesuffersinsuchmoments,thetreeswritheinpainandhidetheirheads;thebirdsofthefieldscowerunderthebushes;thestreetsofcitiesaredeserted.Iwassufferingfrommywound.ButashorttimebeforeIhadamistressandafriend.Themistresshaddeceivedmeandthefriendhadstretchedmeonabedofpain.Icouldnotclearlydistinguishwhatwaspassinginmyhead;itseemedtomethatIwasundertheinfluenceofahorribledreamandthatIhadbuttoawaketofindmyselfcured;attimesitseemedthatmyentirelifehadbeenadream,ridiculousandpuerile,thefalsenessofwhichhadjustbeendisclosed.Desgenaiswasseatednearthelampatmyside;hewasfirmandserious,althoughasmilehoveredabouthislips.Hewasamanofheart,butasdryasapumice-stone.Anearlyexperiencehadmadehimbaldbeforehistime;heknewlifeandhadsuffered;buthisgriefwasacuirass;hewasamaterialistandhewaitedfordeath.

"Octave,"hesaid,"afterwhathashappenedtoyou,Iseethatyoubelieveinlovesuchasthepoetsandromancershaverepresented;inaword,youbelieveinwhatissaidherebelowandnotinwhatisdone.Thatisbecauseyoudonotreasonsoundly,anditmayleadyouintogreatmisfortune.

"Poetsrepresentloveassculptorsdesignbeauty,asmusicianscreatemelody;thatistosay,endowedwithanexquisitenervousorganization,theygatherupwithdiscerningardorthepurestelementsoflife,

themostbeautifullinesofmatter,andthemostharmoniousvoicesofnature.Therelived,itissaid,atAthensagreatnumberofbeautifulgirls;Praxitelesdrewthemalloneafteranother;thenfromthesediversetypesofbeauty,eachoneofwhichhaditsdefects,heformedasinglefaultlessbeautyandcreatedVenus.Themanwhofirstcreatedamusicalinstrument,andwhogavetoharmonyitsrulesanditslaws,hadforalongtimelistenedtothemurmuringofreedsandthesingingofbirds.Thusthepoets,whounderstandlife,afterknowingmuchoflove,moreorlesstransitory,afterfeelingthatsublimeexaltationwhichrealpassioncanforthemomentinspire,eliminatingfromhumannatureallthatdegradesit,createdthemysteriousnameswhichthroughtheagesflyfromliptolip:DaphnisandChloe,HeroandLeander,PyramusandThisbe.

"Totrytofindinreallifesuchloveasthis,eternalandabsolute,isbuttoseekonpublicsquaresawomansuchasVenus,ortoexpectnightingalestosingthesymphoniesofBeethoven.

"Perfectiondoesnotexist;tocomprehenditisthetriumphofhumanintelligence;todesiretopossessit,themostdangerousoffollies.Openyourwindow,Octave;doyounotseetheinfinite?Youtrytoformsomeideaofathingthathasnolimits,youwhowerebornyesterdayandwhowilldieto-morrow!Thisspectacleofimmensityineverycountryintheworldproducesthewildestillusions.Religionsarebornofit;itwastopossesstheinfinitethatCatocuthisthroat,thattheChristiansdeliveredthemselvestolions,theHuguenotstothe

Catholics;allthepeopleoftheearthhavestretchedouttheirhandstothatimmensityandhavelongedtoplungeintoit.Thefoolwishestopossessheaven;thesageadmiresit,kneelsbeforeit,butdoesnotdesireit.

"Perfection,myfriend,isnomoremadeforusthanimmensity.Wemustseekfornothinginit,demandnothingofit,neitherlovenorbeauty,happinessnorvirtue;butwemustloveitifwewouldbevirtuous,ifwewouldattainthegreatesthappinessofwhichmaniscapable.

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"LetussupposeyouhaveinyourstudyapicturebyRaphaelthatyouconsiderperfect.Letussaythatuponacloseexaminationyoudiscoverinoneofthefiguresagrossdefectofdesign,alimbdistorted,oramusclethatbeliesnature,suchashasbeendiscovered,theysay,inoneofthearmsofanantiquegladiator.Youwouldexperienceafeelingofdispleasure,butyouwouldnotthrowthatpictureinthefire;youwouldmerelysaythatitisnotperfect,butthatithasqualitiesthatareworthyofadmiration.

"Therearewomenwhosenaturalsinglenessofheartandsincerityaresuchthattheycouldnothavetwoloversatthesametime.Youbelievedyourmistresssuchanone;thatisbest,Iadmit.Youhavediscoveredthatshehasdeceivedyou;doesthatobligeyoutodeposeandtoabuseher,tobelieveherdeservingofyourhatred?

"Evenifyourmistresshadneverdeceivedyou,evenifatthismomentshelovednoneotherthanyou,think,Octave,howfarherlovewouldstillbefromperfection,howhumanitwouldbe,howsmall,howrestrainedbythehypocrisiesandconventionsoftheworld;rememberthatanothermanpossessedherbeforeyou,thatmanyotherswillpossessherafteryou.

"Reflect:whatdrivesyouatthismomenttodespairistheideaofperfectioninyourmistress,theideathathasbeenshattered.But

whenyouunderstandthattheprimalideaitselfwashuman,smallandrestricted,youwillseethatitislittlemorethanarungintherottenladderofhumanimperfection.

"Ithinkyouwillreadilyadmitthatyourmistresshashadotheradmirers,andthatshewillhavestillothersinthefuture;youwilldoubtlessreplythatitmatterslittle,solongasshelovedyou.ButIaskyou,sinceshehashadothers,whatdifferencedoesitmakewhetheritwasyesterdayortwoyearssince?Sinceshelovesbutoneatatime,whatdoesitmatterwhetheritisduringanintervaloftwoyearsorinthecourseofasinglenight?Areyouaman,Octave?Doyouseetheleavesfallingfromthetrees,thesunrisingandsetting?Doyouhearthetickingofthehorologeoftimewitheachpulsationofyourheart?

Isthere,then,suchadifferencebetweentheloveofayearandtheloveofanhour?Ichallengeyoutoanswerthat,youfool,asyousittherelookingoutattheinfinitethroughawindownotlargerthanyourhand.

"Youconsiderthatwomanfaithfulwholovesyoutwoyears;youmusthaveanalmanacthatwillindicatejusthowlongittakesforanhonestman'skissestodryonawoman'slips.Youmakeadistinctionbetweenthewomanwhosellsherselfformoneyandtheonewhogivesherselfforpleasure;betweentheonewhogivesherselfthroughprideandtheonewhogivesherselfthroughdevotion.Amongwomenwhoareforsale,somecostmorethanothers;amongthosewhoaresoughtforpleasuresomeinspiremoreconfidencethanothers;andamongthosewhoareworthyof

devotiontherearesomewhoreceiveathirdofaman'sheart,othersaquarter,othersahalf,dependinguponhereducation,hermanner,hername,herbirth,herbeauty,hertemperament,accordingtotheoccasion,accordingtowhatissaid,accordingtothetime,accordingtowhatyouhavedrunkatdinner.

"Youlovewomen,Octave,becauseyouareyoung,ardent,becauseyourfeaturesareregular,andyourhairdarkandglossy,butyoudonot,forallthat,understandwoman.

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"Nature,havingall,desiresthereproductionofbeings;everywhere,fromthesummitofthemountaintothebottomofthesea,lifeisopposedtodeath.God,toconservetheworkofHishands,hasestablishedthislaw-thatthegreatestpleasureofallsentientbeingsshallbetoprocreate.

"Oh!myfriend,whenyoufeelburstingonyourlipsthevowofeternallove,donotbeafraidtoyield,butdonotconfoundwinewithintoxication;donotthinkofthecupdivinebecausethedraughtisofcelestialflavor;donotbeastonishedtofinditbrokenandemptyintheevening.Itisbutwoman,butafragilevase,madeofearthbyapotter.

"ThankGodforgivingyouaglimpseofheaven,butdonotimagineyourselfabirdbecauseyoucanflapyourwings.Thebirdsthemselvescannotescapetheclouds;thereisaregionwhereairfailsthemandthelark,risingwithitssongintothemorningfog,sometimesfallsbackdeadinthefield.

"Takeloveasasobermantakeswine;donotbecomeadrunkard.Ifyourmistressissincereandfaithful,loveherforthat;butifsheisnot,ifsheismerelyyoungandbeautiful,loveherforthat;ifsheisagreeableandspirituelle,loveherforthat;ifsheisnoneofthesethingsbutmerelylovesyou,loveherforthat.Lovedoesnotcometous

everyday.

"Donottearyourhairandstabyourselfbecauseyouhavearival.Yousaythatyourmistressdeceivesyouforanother;itisyourpridethatsuffers;butchangethewords,saythatitisforyouthatshedeceiveshim,andbehold,youarehappy!

"Donotmakearuleofconduct,anddonotsaythatyouwishtobelovedexclusively,forinsayingthat,asyouareamanandinconstantyourself,youareforcedtoaddtacitly:'Asfaraspossible.'

"Taketimeasitcomes,thewindasitblows,womanassheis.TheSpaniards,firstamongwomen,lovefaithfully;theirheartsaresincere

andviolent,buttheywearadaggerjustabovethem.Italianwomenarelascivious.TheEnglishareexaltedandmelancholy,coldandunnatural.TheGermanwomenaretenderandsweet,butcolorlessandmonotonous.TheFrencharespirituelle,elegant,andvoluptuous,butarefalseatheart.

"Aboveall,donotaccusewomenofbeingwhattheyare;wehavemadethemthus,undoingtheworkofnature.

"Nature,whothinksofeverything,madethevirginforlove;butwiththefirstchildherbosomlosesform,herbeautyitsfreshness.Womanismadeformotherhood.Manwouldperhapsabandonher,disgustedbythelossofbeauty;buthischildclingstohimandweeps.Beholdthefamily,thehumanlaw;everythingthatdepartsfromthislawis

monstrous.

"Civilizationthwartstheendsofnature.Inourcities,accordingtoourcustoms,thevirgindestinedbynaturefortheopenair,madetoruninthesunlight;toadmirethenudewrestlers,asinLacedemonia,tochooseandtolove,isshutupincloseconfinementandboltedin.Meanwhileshehidesromanceunderhercross;paleandidle,shefadesawayandloses,inthesilenceofthenights,thatbeautywhichoppressesherandneedstheopenair.Thensheissuddenlysnatchedfromthissolitude,knowingnothing,lovingnothing,desiringeverything;an

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oldwomaninstructsher,amysteriouswordiswhisperedinherear,andsheisthrownintothearmsofastranger.Thereyouhavemarriage,thatistosay,thecivilizedfamily.

"Achildisborn.Thispoorcreaturehaslostherbeautyandshehasneverloved.Thechildisbroughttoherwiththewords:'Youareamother.'Shereplies:'Iamnotamother;takethatchildtosomewomanwhocannurseit.Icannot.'Herhusbandtellsherthatsheisright,thatherchildwouldbedisgustedwithher.Shereceivescarefulattentionandissooncuredofthediseaseofmaternity.AmonthlatershemaybeseenattheTuileries,attheball,attheopera;herchildisatChaillot,atAuxerre;herhusbandwithanotherwoman.Thenyoungmenspeaktoheroflove,ofdevotion,ofsympathy,ofallthatisintheheart.Shetakesone,drawshimtoherbosom;hedishonorsherandreturnstotheBourse.Shecriesallnight,butdiscoversthattearsmakehereyesred.Shetakesaconsoler,forthelossofwhomanotherconsolesher;thusuptotheageofthirtyormore.Then,blaseandcorrupted,withnohumansentiment,notevendisgust,shemeetsafineyouthwithravenlocks,ardenteyeandhopefulheart;sherecallsherownyouth,sherememberswhatshehassuffered,andtellinghimthestoryofherlife,sheteacheshimtoeschewlove.

"Thatiswomanaswehavemadeher;suchareyourmistresses.Butyousaytheyarewomenandthatthereissomethinggoodinthem!

"Butifyourcharacterisformed,ifyouaretrulyaman,sureofyourselfandconfidentofyourstrength,youmaytasteoflifewithoutfearandwithoutreserve;youmaybesadorjoyous,deceivedorrespected;butbesureyouareloved,forwhatmatterstherest?

"Ifyouaremediocreandordinary,Iadviseyoutoconsideryourcourseverycarefullybeforedeciding,butdonotexpecttoomuchofyourmistress.

"Ifyouareweak,dependentuponothers,inclinedtoallowyourselftobedominatedbyopinion,totakerootwhereveryouseealittlesoil,makeforyourselfashieldthatwillresisteverything,forifyouyield

toyourweakernatureyouwillnotgrow,youwilldryuplikeadeadplant,andyouwillbearneitherfruitnorflowers.Thesapofyourlifewilldissipateintotheformationofuselessbark;allyouractionswillbeascolorlessastheleavesofthewillow;youwillhavenotearstowateryou,butthosefromyourowneyes;tonourishyou,noheartbutyourown.

"Butifyouareofanexaltednature,believingindreamsandwishingtorealizethem,Isaytoyouplainly:Lovedoesnotexist.

"Fortoloveistogivebodyandsoul,orbetter,itistomakeasinglebeingoftwo;itistowalkinthesunlight,intheopenairthroughtheboundlessprairieswithabodyhavingfourarms,twoheads,andtwo

hearts.Loveisfaith,itisthereligionofterrestrialhappiness,itisaluminoustrianglesuspendedinthetempleoftheworld.Toloveistowalkfreelythroughthattemple,atyoursideabeingcapableofunderstandingwhyathought,aword,aflowermakesyoupauseandraiseyoureyestothatcelestialtriangle.Toexercisethenoblefacultiesofmanisagreatgood--thatiswhygeniusisglorious;buttodoublethosefaculties,toplaceaheartandanintelligenceuponaheartandanintelligence--thatissupremehappiness.Godhasnothingbetterforman;thatiswhyloveisbetterthangenius.

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"Buttellme,isthattheloveofourwomen?No,no,itmustbeadmitted.Love,forthem,isanotherthing;itistogooutveiled,towriteinsecret,tomaketremblingadvances,toheavechastesighsunderstarchedandunnaturalrobes,thentodrawboltsandthrowthemaside,tohumiliatearival,todeceiveahusband,torenderaloverdesolate.Tolove,forourwomen,istoplayatlying,aschildrenplayathideandseek,ahideousorgyoftheheart,worsethanthelubricityoftheRomans,ortheSaturnaliaofPriapus;abastardparodyofviceitself,aswellasofvirtue;aloathsomecomedywherealliswhisperingandsidelongglances,whereallissmall,elegant,anddeformed,likethoseporcelainmonstersbroughtfromChina;alamentablesatireonallthatisbeautifulandugly,divineandinfernal;ashadowwithoutabody,askeletonofallthatGodhasmade."

ThusspokeDesgenais;andtheshadowsofnightbegantofall.

CHAPTERVI.MADAMELEVASSEUR

ThefollowingmorningIrodethroughtheBoisdeBoulogne;theweatherwasdarkandthreatening.AtthePorteMaillotIdroppedthereinsonmyhorse'sbackandabandonedmyselftorevery,revolvinginmymindthe

wordsspokenbyDesgenaistheeveningbefore.

SuddenlyIheardmynamecalled.TurningmyheadIspiedoneofmyinamorata'smostintimatefriendsinanopencarriage.Shebademestop,and,holdingoutherhandwithafriendlyair,invitedmetodinewithherifIhadnootherengagement.

Thiswoman,MadameLevasseurbyname,wassmall,stout,anddecidedlyblonde;Ihadneverlikedher,andmyattitudetowardherhadalwaysbeenoneofstudiedpoliteness.ButIcouldnotresistadesiretoacceptherinvitation;Ipressedherhandandthankedher;Iwassurethatweshouldtalkofmymistress.

ShesentaservanttoleadmyhorseandIenteredhercarriage;shewasalone,andweatoncetooktheroadtoParis.Rainbegantofall,andthecarriagecurtainsweredrawn;thusshutuptogetherwerodeoninsilence.Ilookedatherwithinexpressiblesadness;shewasnotonlythefriendofmyfaithlessonebutherconfidante.ShehadoftenformedoneofourpartywhenIcalledonmymistressintheevening.WithwhatimpatiencehadIenduredherpresence!HowoftenIcountedtheminutesthatmustelapsebeforeshewouldleave!Thatwasprobablythecauseofmyaversiontoher.Iknewthatsheapprovedofourlove;sheevenwentsofarastodefendmeinourquarrels.Inspiteoftheservicesshehadrenderedme,Iconsideredheruglyandtiresome.Alas!nowIfoundherbeautiful!Ilookedatherhands,herclothes;everygesturewentstraighttomyheart;allthepastwasassociatedwithher.Shenoticed

thechangeinmannerandunderstoodthatIwasoppressedbysadmemoriesofthepast.Thuswespedonourway,Ilookingather,shesmilingatme.WhenwereachedParisshetookmyhand:

"Well?"shesaid.

"Well?"Ireplied,sobbing,"tellherifyouwish."Tearsrushedfrommyeyes.

Afterdinnerwesatbeforethefire.

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"Buttellme,"shesaid,"isitirrevocable?Cannothingbedone?"

"Alas!Madame,"Ireplied,"thereisnothingirrevocableexceptthegriefthatiskillingme.Myconditioncanbeexpressedinafewwords:Icannotloveher,Icannotloveanother,andIcannotceaseloving."

Atthesewordsshemoveduneasilyinherchair,andIcouldseeanexpressionofcompassiononherface.

Forsometimesheappearedtobereflecting,asifponderingovermyfateandseekingsomeremedyformysorrow.Hereyeswereclosedandsheappearedlostinrevery.SheextendedherhandandItookitinmine.

"AndI,too,"shemurmured,"thatisjustmyexperience."Shestopped,overcomebyemotion.

Ofallthesistersoflove,themostbeautifulispity.IheldMadameLevasseur'shandasshebegantospeakofmymistress,sayingallshecouldthinkofinherfavor.Mysadnessincreased.WhatcouldIreply?Finallyshecametospeakofherself.

Notlongsince,shesaid,amanwholovedherabandonedher.Shehadmadegreatsacrificesforhim;herfortunewascompromised,aswellas

herhonorandhername.Herhusband,whomsheknewtobevindictive,hadmadethreats.Hertearsflowedasshecontinued,andIbegantoforgetmyownsorrowinmysympathyforher.Shehadbeenmarriedagainstherwill;shestruggledalongtime;butsheregrettednothingexceptthatshehadnotbeenabletoinspireamoresincereaffection.Ibelievesheevenaccusedherselfbecauseshehadnotbeenabletoholdherlover'sheart,andbecauseshehadbeenguiltyofapparentindifference.

Whenshehadunburdenedherheartshebecamesilent.

"Madame,"Isaid,"itwasnotchancethatbroughtaboutourmeetingintheBoisdeBoulogne.Ibelievethathumansorrowsarebutwanderingsistersandthatsomegoodangelunitesthetremblinghandsthatare

stretchedoutforaid.Donotrepenthavingtoldmeyoursorrow.Thesecretyouhaveconfidedtomeisonlyatearwhichhasfallenfromyoureye,buthasrestedonmyheart.Permitmetocomeagainandletussuffertogether."

SuchlivelysympathytookpossessionofmethatwithoutreflectionIkissedher;itdidnotoccurtomymindthatitcouldoffendher,andshedidnotappeareventonoticeit.

Ourconversationcontinuedinthistoneofexpansivefriendship.Shetoldmehersorrows,Itoldhermine,andbetweenthesetwoexperienceswhichtouchedeachother,Ifeltariseasweetness,acelestialaccordbornoftwovoicesinanguish.AllthistimeIhadseennothingbuther

face.SuddenlyInoticedthatherdresswasindisorder.Itappearedsingulartomethat,seeingmyembarrassment,shedidnotrearrangeit,andIturnedmyheadtogiveheranopportunity.Shedidnothing.Finally,meetinghereyesandseeingthatshewasperfectlyawareofthestateshewasin,IfeltasifIhadbeenstruckbyathunderbolt,forInowclearlyunderstoodthatIwastheplaythingofhermonstrouseffrontery,thatgriefitselfwasforherbutameansofseducingthesenses.Itookmyhatwithoutaword,bowedprofoundly,andlefttheroom.

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CHAPTERVII.THEWISDOMOFSIRACH

UponreturningtomyapartmentsIfoundalargeboxinthecentreoftheroom.Oneofmyauntshaddied,andIwasoneoftheheirstoherfortune,whichwasnotlarge.

Theboxcontained,amongotherthings,anumberofmustyoldbooks.Notknowingwhattodo,andbeingafflictedwithennui,Ibegantoreadoneofthem.TheywereforthemostpartromancesofthetimeofLouisXV;mypiousaunthadprobablyinheritedthemherselfandneverreadthem,fortheywere,sotospeak,catechismsofvice.

Iwassingularlydisposedtoreflectoneverythingthatcametomynotice,togiveeverythingamentalandmoralsignificance;ItreatedeventsaspearlsinanecklacewhichItriedtostringtogether.

Itstruckmethattherewassomethingsignificantaboutthearrivalofthesebooksatthistime.Idevouredthemwithabitternessandasadnessbornofdespair."Yes,youareright,"Isaidtomyself,"youalonepossessthesecretoflife,youalonedaretosaythatnothingistrueandrealbutdebauchery,hypocrisy,andcorruption.Bemyfriends,

throwonthewoundinmysoulyourcorrosivepoisons,teachmetobelieveinyou."

Whileburiedintheseshadows,Iallowedmyfavoritepoetsandtext-bookstoaccumulatedust.Ievengroundthemundermyfeetinexcessofwrath."Youwretcheddreamers!"Isaidtothem;"youwhoteachmeonlysuffering,miserableshufflersofwords,charlatans,ifyouknowthetruth,fools,ifyouspeakingoodfaith,liarsineithercase,whomakefairy-talesofthewoesofthehumanheart.Iwillburnthelastoneofyou!"

ThentearscametomyaidandIperceivedthattherewasnothingrealbutmygrief."Verywell,"Icried,inmydelirium,"tellme,goodand

badgenii,counselorsforgoodorevil,tellmewhattodo!Chooseanarbiterandlethimspeak."

IseizedanoldBiblewhichlayonmytable,andreadthefirstpassagethatcaughtmyeye.

"Replytome,thoubookofGod!"Isaid,"whatwordhastthouforme?"MyeyefellonthispassageinEcclesiastes,ChapterIX:

ForallthisIconsideredinmyhearteventodeclareallthis,thattherighteousandthewise,andtheirworks,areinthehandofGod;nomanknowetheitherloveorhatredbyallthatisbeforethem.

Allthingscomealiketoall:thereisoneeventtotherighteous,andtothewicked;tothegoodandtotheclean,andtotheunclean;tohimthatsacrificeth,andtohimthatsacrificethnot:asisthegood,soisthesinner;andhethatsweareth,ashethatfearethanoath.

Thisisanevilamongallthingsthataredoneunderthesun,thatthereisoneeventuntoall:yea,alsotheheartofthesonsofmenisfullofevil,andmadnessisintheirheartwhiletheylive,and

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afterthattheygotothedead.

WhenIreadthesewordsIwasastounded;IdidnotknowthattherewassuchasentimentintheBible."Andthou,too,asallothers,thoubookofhope!"

Whatdotheastronomersthinkwhentheypredict,atagivenhourandplace,thepassageofacomet,thatmosteccentricofcelestialtravellers?Whatdothenaturaliststhinkwhentheyrevealthemyriadformsoflifeconcealedinadropofwater?Dotheythinktheyhaveinventedwhattheyseeandthattheirlensesandmicroscopesmakethelawofnature?Whatdidthefirstlaw-giverthinkwhen,seekingforthecorner-stoneinthesocialedifice,angereddoubtlessbysomeidleimportunity,hestruckthetablesofbrassandfeltinhisbowelstheyearningforalawofretaliation?Didhe,then,inventjustice?Andthefirstwhopluckedthefruitplantedbyhisneighborandwhofledcoweringunderhismantle,didheinventshame?Andhewho,havingovertakenthatsamethiefwhohadrobbedhimoftheproductofhistoil,forgavehimhissin,and,insteadofraisinghishandtosmitehim,said,"Sitthoudownandeatthyfill;"when,afterthusreturninggoodforevil,heraisedhiseyestowardHeavenandfelthisheartquivering,tearswellingfromhiseyes,andhiskneesbendingtotheearth,didheinventvirtue?Oh,Heaven!hereisawomanwhospeaksofloveandwhodeceivesme;hereisamanwhospeaksoffriendshipandcounselsme

toseekconsolationindebauchery;hereisanotherwomanwhoweepsandwouldconsolemewiththeflesh;hereisaBiblethatspeaksofGodandsays:"Perhaps;butnothingisofanyrealimportance."

Irantotheopenwindow:"Isittruethatyouareempty?"Icried,lookingupatthepaleexpanseofskywhichspreadaboveme."Reply,reply!BeforeIdie,grantthatImayclaspinthesearmsofminesomethingmorethanadream!"

Profoundsilencereigned.AsIstoodwitharmsoutstretched,eyeslostinspace,aswallowutteredaplaintivecry;inspiteofmyselfIfolloweditwithmyeyes;whiletheswallowdisappearedfromsightlikeaflash,alittlegirlpassedsinging.

CHAPTERVIII.THESEARCHFORHEALING

YetIwasunwillingtoyield.

Beforetakinglifeonitspleasantside--asidewhichtomeseemedrathersinister--Iresolvedtotesteverything.Iremainedthusforsometime,apreytocountlesssorrows,tormentedbyterribledreams.

Thegreatobstacletomycurewasmyyouth.WhereverIhappenedtobe,

whatevermyoccupation,Icouldthinkofnothingbutwomen;thesightofawomanmademetremble.

Ithadbeenmyfate--afateasrareashappy--togivetolovemyunsulliedyouth.Buttheresultofthiswasthatallmysensesunitedinidealizinglove;therewasthecauseofmyunhappiness.Fornotbeingabletothinkofanythingbutwomen,Icouldnothelpturningoverinmyhead,dayandnight,alltheideasofdebauchery,offalseloveandoffemininetreason,withwhichmymindwasfilled.Formetopossessawomanwastoloveher;Ithoughtofnothingbutwomen,butIbelievedno

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moreinthepossibilityoftruelove.

Allthissufferinginspiredmewithasortofrage.AttimesIwastemptedtoimitatethemonksandstarvemybodyinordertoconquermysenses;attimesIfeltlikerushingoutintothestreettothrowmyselfatthefeetofthefirstwomanImetandvowtohereternallove.

GodismywitnessthatIdidallinmypowertocuremyself.Preoccupiedfromthefirstwiththeideathatthesocietyofmenwasthehauntofviceandhypocrisy,whereallwerelikemymistress,Iresolvedtoseparatemyselffromthemandliveincompleteisolation.Iresumedmyneglectedstudies,andplungedintohistory,poetry,andanatomy.TherehappenedtobeonthefourthfloorofthesamehouseanoldandlearnedGerman.Ideterminedtolearnhislanguage;theGermanwaspoorandfriendless,andwillinglyacceptedthetaskofinstructingme.Myperpetualstateofdistractionworriedhim.HowmanytimeshewaitedinpatientastonishmentwhileI,seatednearhimwithasmokinglampbetweenus,satwithmyarmscrossedonmybook,lostinrevery,obliviousofhispresenceandofhispity.

"Mydearsir,"saidItohimoneday,"allthisisuseless,butyouarethebestofmen.Whatataskyouhaveundertaken!Youmustleavemetomyfate;wecandonothing,neitheryounorI."

Idonotknowthatheunderstoodmymeaning,buthegraspedmyhandandtherewasnomoretalkofGerman.

Isoonrealizedthatsolitude,insteadofcuringme,wasdoingmeharm,andsoIcompletelychangedmysystem.Iwentintothecountry,andgallopedthroughthewoodswiththehuntsmen;IwouldrideuntilIwasoutofbreath,tryingtocuremyselfwithfatigue,andwhen,afteradayofsweatinthefields,Ireachedmybedintheeveningsmellingofpowderandthestable,Iwouldburymyheadinthepillow,rollaboutunderthecoversandcry:"Phantom,phantom!areyounotsatiated?Willyounotleavemeforonesinglenight?"

Butwhythesevainefforts?Solitudesentmetonature,andnatureto

love.StandinginthestreetofMentalObservation,Isawmyselfpaleandwan,surroundedbycorpses,and,dryingmyhandsonmybloodyapron,stifledbytheodorofputrefaction,Iturnedmyheadinspiteofmyself,andsawfloatingbeforemyeyesgreenharvests,balmyfields,andthepensiveharmonyoftheevening."No,"saidI,"sciencecannotconsoleme;ratherwillIplungeintothisseaofirresponsivenatureanddietheremyselfbydrowning.Iwillnotwaragainstmyyouth;Iwilllivewherethereislife,oratleastdieinthesunlight."IbegantominglewiththethrongsatSevresandChaville,andstretchmyselfonfloweryswardsinsecludedgroves.Alas!alltheforestsandfieldscriedtome:

"Whatdoyouseekhere?Weareyoung,poorchild!Wewearthecolorsof

hope."

ThenIreturnedtothecity;Ilostmyselfinitsobscurestreets;Ilookedupatthelightsinitswindows,intothosemysteriousfamilynests;Iwatchedthepassingcarriages;Isawmanjostlingagainstman.Oh,whatsolitude!Howsadthesmokeonthoseroofs!Whatsorrowinthosetortuousstreetswhereallarehurryinghitherandthither,workingandsweating,wherethousandsofstrangersrubagainstyourelbows;asewerwheresocietyisofbodiesonly,whilesoulsaresolitaryandalone,whereallwhoholdoutahandtoyouare

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prostitutes!"Becomecorrupt,corrupt,andyouwillceasetosuffer!"Thishasbeenthecryofallcitiesuntoman;itiswrittenwithcharcoalonthewalls,onthestreetswithmud,onmen'sfaceswithextravasatedblood.

Attimes,whenseatedinthecornerofsomesalonIwatchedthewomenastheydanced,somerosy,someblue,andotherswhite,theirarmsbareandtheirhairgatheredgracefullyabouttheirshapelyheads,lookinglikecherubimdrunkwithlight,floatinginspheresofharmonyandbeauty,Iwouldthink:"Ah,whatagarden,whatflowerstogather,tobreathe!Ah!Marguerites,Marguerites!Whatwillyourlastpetalsaytohimwhoplucksit?Alittle,alittle,butnotall.Thatisthemoraloftheworld,thatistheendofyoursmiles.Itisoverthisterribleabyssthatyouarewalkinginyourspangledgauze;itisonthishideousrealityyourunlikegazellesonthetipsofyourlittletoes!"

"Butwhytakethingssoseriously?"saidDesgenais."Thatissomethingthatisneverseen.Youcomplainbecausebottlesbecomeempty?Therearemanycasksinthevaults,andmanyvaultsinthehills.Givemeadaintyfish-hookgildedwithsweetwords,adropofhoneyforbait,andquick!catchinthestreamofoblivionaprettyconsoler,asfreshandslipperyasaneel;youwillstillhavethehookwhenthefishshallhaveglidedfromyourhands.Youthmustpassaway,andifIwereyouIwouldcarryoffthequeenofPortugalratherthanstudyanatomy."

SuchwastheadviceofDesgenais.Imademywayhomewithswollenheart,myfaceconcealedundermycloak.Ikneeledatthesideofmybedandmypoorheartdissolvedintears.Whatvows!whatprayers!Galileostrucktheearth,crying:"Neverthelessitmoves!"ThusIstruckmyheart.

CHAPTERIX.BACCHUS,THECONSOLER

Suddenly,inthemidstofblackdespair,youthandchanceledmetocommitanactthatdecidedmyfate.

IhadwrittenmymistressthatIwishednevertoseeheragain;Ikeptmyword,butIpassedthenightsunderherwindow,seatedonabenchbeforeherdoor.Icouldseethelightsinherroom,Icouldhearthesoundofherpiano,attimesIsawsomethingthatlookedlikeashadowthroughthepartiallydrawncurtains.

OnenightasIwasseatedonthebench,plungedinfrightfulmelancholy,Isawabelatedworkmanstaggeringalongthestreet.Hemutteredafewwordsinadazedmannerandthenbegantosing.Somuchwasheundertheinfluenceofliquorthathewalkedattimesononesideofthegutterandthenontheother.Finallyhefelluponabenchfacinganotherhouseoppositeme.Therehelaystill,supportedonhiselbows,andslept

profoundly.

Thestreetwasdeserted,adrywindstirredthedusthereandthere;themoonshonethroughariftinthecloudsandlightedthespotwherethemanslept.SoIfoundmyselftete-a-tetewiththisboor,who,notsuspectingmypresence,wassleepingonthatstonebenchaspeacefullyasifinhisownbed.

Themanservedtodivertmygrief;Iarosetoleavehiminfullpossession,butreturnedandresumedmyseat.Icouldnotleavethat

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fatefuldoor,atwhichIwouldnothaveknockedforanempire.Finally,afterwalkingupanddownafewtimes,Istoppedbeforethesleeper.

"Whatsleep!"Isaid."Surelythismandoesnotdream.Hisclothesareintatters,hischeeksarewrinkled,hishandshardenedwithtoil;heissomeunfortunatewhodoesnothaveamealeveryday.Athousandgnawingcares,athousandmortalsorrowsawaithisreturntoconsciousness;nevertheless,thiseveninghehadmoneyinhispocket,andenteredatavernwherehepurchasedoblivion.Hehasearnedenoughinaweektoenjoyanightofslumber,andperhapshaspurchaseditattheexpenseofhischildren'ssupper.Nowhismistresscanbetrayhim,hisfriendcanglidelikeathiefintohishut;Icouldshakehimbytheshoulderandtellhimthatheisbeingmurdered,thathishouseisonfire;hewouldturnoverandcontinuetosleep."

"AndI--Idonotsleep,"Icontinued,pacingupanddownthestreet,"Idonotsleep,Iwhohaveenoughinmypocketatthismomenttopurchasesleepforayear.IamsoproudandsofoolishthatIdarenotenteratavern,anditseemsIdonotunderstandthatifunfortunatesenterthere,itistocomeouthappy.OGod!grapescrushedbeneaththefootsufficetodissipatethedeepestsorrowandtobreaktheinvisiblethreadsthatthefatesweaveaboutourpathway.Weweeplikewomen,wesufferlikemartyrs;inourdespairitseemsthattheworldiscrumblingunderourfeet,andwesitdownintearsasdidAdamatEden'sgate.

Andtocureourgriefswehavebuttomakeamovementofthehandandmoistenourthroats.Howcontemptibleoursorrowsinceitcanbethusassuaged!WearesurprisedthatProvidencedoesnotsendangelstograntourprayers;itneednottakethetrouble,forithasseenourwoes,itknowsourdesires,ourprideandbitterness,theoceanofevilthatsurroundsus,andiscontenttohangasmallblackfruitalongourpaths.Sincethatmansleepssosoundlyonhisbench,whydonotIsleeponmine?Myrivalisdoubtlesspassingthenightwithmymistress;hewillleaveheratdaybreak;shewillaccompanyhimtothedoorandtheywillseemeasleeponmybench.Theirkisseswillnotawakenme,andtheywillshakemebytheshoulder;Iwillturnoverontheothersideandsleepon."

Thus,inspiredbyfiercejoy,Isetoutinquestofatavern.Asitwaspastmidnightsomewereclosed;thisputmeinafury."What!"Icried,"eventhatconsolationisrefusedme!"Iranhitherandthitherknockingatthedoorsoftaverns,crying:"Wine!Wine!"

AtlastIfoundoneopen;Icalledforabottle,andwithoutcaringwhetheritwasgoodorbad,Igulpeditdown;asecondfollowed,andthenathird.Idosedmyselfaswithmedicine,andforcedthewinedownasifithadbeenprescribedbysomephysiciantosavemylife.

Theheavyfumesoftheliquor,doubtlessadulterated,mountedtomyhead.AsIhadgulpeditdownatabreath,drunkennessseizedmepromptly;IfeltthatIwasbecomingmuddled,thenIexperiencedalucid

moment,thenconfusionfollowed.Thenconsciousnessleftme,Ileanedmyelbowsonthetableandsaidadieutomyself.

ButIhadaconfusedideathatIwasnotaloneinthetavern.Attheotherendoftheroomstoodahideousgroupwithhaggardfacesandharshvoices.Theirdressindicatedthattheybelongedtothepoorerclass,butwerenotbourgeois;inshort,theybelongedtothatambiguousclass,thevilestofall,whichhasneitherfortunenoroccupation,whichneverworksexceptatsomecriminalplot,aclasswhich,neitherpoornorrich,combinesthevicesofonewiththemiseryoftheother.

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Theywerequarrellingoveradirtypackofcards.Amongthemwasagirlwhoappearedtobeveryyoungandverypretty,wasdecentlyclad,andresembledhercompanionsinnoway,exceptintheharshnessofhervoice,whichwasasroughandbrokenasifithadperformedtheofficeofpubliccrier.Shelookedatmeclosely,asifastonishedtoseemeinsuchabadplace,forIwaselegantlyattired.Littlebylittlesheapproachedmytableandseeingthatallthebottleswereempty,smiled.Isawthatshehadfineteethofbrilliantwhiteness;Itookherhandandbeggedhertobeseated;sheconsentedwithgoodgraceandaskedwhatweshouldhaveforsupper.

Ilookedatherwithoutsayingaword,whilemyeyesbegantofillwithtears;sheobservedmyemotionandinquiredthecause.Icouldnotreply.SheunderstoodthatIhadsomesecretsorrowandforeboreanyattempttolearnthecause;withherhandkerchiefshedriedmytearsfromtimetotimeaswedined.

Therewassomethingaboutthisgirlatoncerepulsiveandsweet,asingularboldnessmingledwithpity,thatIcouldnotunderstand.Ifshehadtakenmyhandinthestreetshewouldhaveinspiredafeelingofhorrorinme;butitseemedsostrangethatacreatureIhadneverseenshouldcometome,and,withoutaword,proceedtoordersupperanddrymytearswithherhandkerchief,thatIwasrenderedspeechless;it

revolted,yetcharmedme.WhatIhaddonehadbeendonesoquicklythatIseemedtohaveobeyedsomeimpulseofdespair.PerhapsIwasafool,orthevictimofsomesupernaturalcaprice.

"Whoareyou?"Isuddenlycriedout;"whatdoyouwantofme?HowdoyouknowwhoIam?Whotoldyoutodrymytears?IsthisyourvocationanddoyouthinkIdesireyou?Iwouldnottouchyouwiththetipofmyfinger.Whatareyoudoinghere?Replyatonce.Isitmoneyyouwant?Whatpricedoyouputonyourpity?"

Iaroseandtriedtogoout,butmyfeetrefusedtosupportme.Atthesametimemyeyesfailedme,amortalweaknesstookpossessionofmeandIfelloverastool.

"Youarenotwell,"shesaid,takingmebythearm,"youhavedrunk,likethechildthatyouare,withoutknowingwhatyouweredoing.Sitdowninthischairandwaituntilacabpasses.YouwilltellmewhereyouliveandIwillorderthedrivertotakeyouhometoyourmother,since,"sheadded,"youreallyfindmeugly."

AsshespokeIraisedmyeyes.Perhapsmydrunkennessdeceivedme,orperhapsIhadnotseenherfaceclearlybefore,butsuddenlyIdetectedinthatunfortunategirlafatalresemblancetomymistress.Ishudderedatthesight.Thereisacertainshudderthataffectsthehair;somesayitisdeathpassingoverthehead,butitwasnotdeaththatpassedovermine.

Itwasthemaladyoftheage,orratherwasitthatgirlherself;anditwasshewho,withherpale,halfmockingfeaturesandraspingvoice,cameandsatwithmeattheendofthetavernroom.

ThemomentIperceivedherresemblancetomymistressafrightfulideaoccurredtome;ittookirresistiblepossessionofmymuddledmind,andIputitintoexecutionatonce.

Iescortedthatgirltomyhome;andIarrangedmyroomjustasIhad

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beenwonttodowhenmymistresswaswithme,forIwasdominatedbyacertainrecollectionofpastjoys.

Havingarrangedmyroomtomysatisfaction,Igavemyselfuptotheintoxicationofdespair.Iprobedmyhearttothebottominordertosounditsdepths.ATyroleansongthatmylovedoneusedtosingbegantorunthroughmyhead:

Altravoltagieribiele,Blanch'arossacom'unflore,Maorano.NonsonpiubieleConsumatisdal'amore.

[OnceIwasbeautiful,whiteandrosyasaflower;butnowIamnot.Iamnolongerbeautiful,consumedbythefireoflove.]

Ilistenedtotheechoofthatsongasitreverberatedthroughthedesertofmyheart.Isaid:"Beholdthehappinessofman;beholdmylittleParadise;beholdmyqueenMab,agirlfromthestreets.Mymistressisnobetter.Beholdwhatisfoundatthebottomoftheglasswhenthenectarofthegodshasbeendrained;beholdthecorpseoflove."

Theunfortunatecreatureheardmesingingandbegantosingherself.I

turnedpale;forthatharshandraspingvoice,comingfromthelipsofonewhoresembledmymistress,seemedasymbolofmyexperience.Itsoundedlikeagurgleinthethroatofdebauchery.Itseemedtomethatmymistress,havingbeenunfaithful,musthavesuchavoice.IwasremindedofFaustwho,dancingattheBrockenwithayoungsorceress,sawaredmouseemergefromherthroat.

"Stop!"Icried.Iaroseandapproachedher.

Letmeaskyou,Omenofthetime,bentuponpleasure,whoattendtheballsandtheoperaandwho,uponretiringthisnight,willseekslumberwiththeaidofsomethreadbareblasphemyofoldVoltaire,somesensiblesatirebyPaulLouisCourier,orsomeessayoneconomics,youwhodally

withthecoldsubstanceofthatmonstrouswater-lilythatReasonhasplantedintheheartsofourcities-letmeask,ifbysomechancethisobscurebookfallsintoyourhands,nottosmilewithnobledisdainorshrugyourshoulders.BenottoosurethatIcomplainofanimaginaryevil;benottoosurethathumanreasonisthemostbeautifuloffaculties,thatthereisnothingrealherebelowbutquotationsontheBourse,gamblinginthesalon,wineonthetable,theglowofhealth,indifferencetowardothers,andthepleasuresofthenight.

Forsomeday,acrossyourstagnantlife,agustofwindwillblow.Thosebeautifultrees,thatyouwaterwiththestreamofoblivion,Providencewilldestroy;despairwillovertakeyou,heedlessones,andtearswilldimyoureyes.Iwillnotsaythatyourmistresseswilldeceive

you--thatwouldnotgrieveyousomuchasthelossofahorse--butyoucanloseontheBourse.Forthefirstplungeisnotthelast,andevenifyoudonotgamble,bethinkyouthatyourmoneyedtranquillity,yourgoldenhappiness,areinthecareofabankerwhomayfail.Inshort,Itellyou,frozenasyouare,youarecapableoflovingsomething;somefibreofyourbeingcanbetornandyoucangiveventtocriesthatwillresembleamoanofpain.Someday,wanderingaboutthemuddystreets,whendailymaterialjoysshallhavefailed,youwillfindyourselfseateddisconsolatelyonadesertedbenchatmidnight.

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Omenofmarble!sublimeegoists,inimitablereasoners,whohavenevergivenwaytodespairormadeamistakeinarithmetic,ifthiseverhappenstoyou,atthehourofyourruinyouwillrememberAbelardwhenhelostHeloise.Forhelovedhermorethanyouloveyourhorses,yourmoney,oryourmistresses;andinlosingherhelostmorethanyourmonarchSatanwouldloseinfallingagainfromthebattlementsofHeaven.Helovedherwithaloveofwhichthegazettesdonotspeak,theshadowofwhichyourwivesandyourdaughtersdonotperceiveinourtheatresandinourbooks.Hepassedhalfofhislifekissingherwhiteforehead,teachinghertosingthepsalmsofDavidandthecanticlesofSaul;hehadbutheronearthalone;andGodconsoledhim.

Believeme,wheninyourdistressyouthinkofAbelardyouwillnotlookwiththesameeyeupontherichblasphemyofVoltaireandthebadinageofCourier;youwillfeelthathumanreasoncancureillusionsbutcannothealsorrows;thatGodhasuseforReasonbutthatHehasnotmadeherasisterofCharity.Youwillfindthatwhentheheartofmansaid:"Ibelieveinnothing,forIseenothing,"itdidnotspeakthelastwordonthesubject.Youwilllookaboutyouforsomethinglikehope,youwillshakethedoorsofchurchestoseeiftheystillswing,butyouwillfindthemwalledup;youwillthinkofbecomingTrappists,anddestinywillmockatyou,andforreplywillgiveyouabottleofwineandacourtesan.

Andifyoudrinkthewine,andtakethecourtesan,youwilllearnhowsuchthingscometopass.

PARTII

CHAPTERI.ATTHECROSSWAYS

UponawakingthefollowingmorningIexperiencedafeelingofsuchdeepdisgustwithmyself,andfeltsodegradedinmyowneyesthatahorribletemptationassailedme.ThenIsatdownandlookedgloomilyabouttheroom,myeyesrestingmechanicallyonabraceofpistolsthatdecoratedthewalls.

Whenthesufferingmindstretchesitshands,sotospeak,towardannihilation,whenthesoulformssomeviolentresolution,thereseemstobeanindependentphysicalhorrorintheactoftouchingthecoldsteelofsomedeadlyweapon;thefingersstiffeninanguish,thearmgrowscoldandhard.Naturerecoilsasthecondemnedwalkstodeath.IcannotexpresswhatIexperienced,unlessitwasasifmypistolhadsaidtome:"Thinkwhatyouareabouttodo."

SincethenIhaveoftenwonderedwhatwouldhavehappenedtomeifthegirlhaddepartedimmediately.Doubtlessthefirstflushofshamewouldhavesubsided;sadnessisnotdespair,andGodhasjoinedtheminorderthattheoneshouldnotleaveusalonewiththeother.Oncerelievedofthepresenceofthatwoman,myheartwouldhavebecomecalm.Therewouldremainonlyrepentance,fortheangelofpardonhasforbiddenmantokill.ButIwasdoubtlesscuredforlife;debaucherywasonceforalldrivenfrommydoor,andIwouldneveragainknowthefeelingofdisgustwithwhichitsfirstvisithadinspiredme.

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Butithappenedotherwise.Thestrugglewhichwasgoingonwithin,thepoignantreflectionswhichoverwhelmedme,thedisgust,thefear,thewrath,even(forIexperiencedalltheseemotionsatthesametime),allthesefatalpowersnailedmetomychair;and,whileIwasthusapreytodangerousdelirium,thecreature,standingbeforemymirror,thoughtofnothingbuthowbesttoarrangeherdressandfixherhair,smilingthewhile.Thislastedmorethanaquarterofanhour,duringwhichIhadalmostforgottenher.Finallysomeslightnoiseattractedmyattentiontoher,andturningaboutwithimpatienceIorderedhertoleavetheroominsuchatonethatsheatonceopenedthedoorandthrewmeakissbeforegoingout.

Atthesamemomentsomeonerangthebelloftheouterdoor.Iaroseprecipitately,andhadonlytimetoopentheclosetdoorandmotionthecreatureintoit,whenDesgenaisenteredtheroomwithtwofriends.

Thegreatcurrentsthatarefoundinthemiddleoftheoceanresemblecertaineventsinlife.Fatality,Chance,Providence,whatmattersthename?Thosewhoquarreloverthewordadmitthefact.Sucharenotthosewho,speakingofNapoleonorCaesar,say:

"HewasamanofProvidence."TheyapparentlybelievethatheroesmerittheattentionwhichHeavenshowsthem,andthatthecolorofpurple

attractsgodsaswellasbulls.

Astowhatrulesthecourseoftheselittleevents,orwhatobjectsandcircumstances,inappearancetheleastimportant,leadtochangesinfortune,thereisnot,tomymind,adeepercauseandopportunityforthought.Forsomethinginourordinaryactionsresemblesthelittlebluntedarrowsweshootattargets;littlebylittlewemakeofoursuccessivedeedsanabstractandregularentitythatwecallourprudenceorourwill.Thencomesagustofwind,andlo!thesmallestofthesearrows,theverylightestandmostineffective,iswaftedbeyondourvision,beyondtheveryhorizontothedwelling-placeofGodhimself.

Whatastrangefeelingofunrestseizesusthen!Whatbecomesofthosephantomsoftranquilpride,thewillandprudence?Forceitself,thatmistressoftheworld,thatswordofmaninthecombatoflife,invaindowebrandishitoverourheadsinwrath,invaindoweseektowardoffwithitablowwhichthreatensus;aninvisiblepowerturnsasidethepoint,andalltheimpetusofeffort,deflectedintospace,servesonlytoprecipitateourfall.

Thus,atthemomentIwashopingtocleansemyselffromthesinIhadcommitted,perhapstoinflictthepenalty,attheveryinstantwhenagreathorrorhadtakenpossessionofme,IlearnedthatIhadtosustainadangeroustest.

Desgenaiswasingoodhumor;stretchinghimselfoutonmysofahebegantochaffmeaboutmyappearance,whichindicated,hesaid,thatIhadnotsleptwell.AsIwaslittledisposedtoindulgeinpleasantryIbeggedhimtospareme.

Heappearedtopaynoattentiontome,but,warnedbymytone,soonbroachedthesubjectthathadbroughthimtome.Heinformedmethatmymistresshadnotonlytwoloversatatime,butthree;thatistosay,shehadtreatedmyrivalasbadlyasshehadtreatedme;thepoorboy,havingdiscoveredherinconstancy,madeagreatadoandallParisknew

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it.AtfirstIdidnotcatchthemeaningofDesgenais'swords,asIwasnotlisteningattentively;butwhenhehadrepeatedhisstorythreetimesindetailIwassostupefiedthatIcouldnotreply.Myfirstimpulsewastolaugh,forIsawthatIhadlovedthemostunworthyofwomen;butitwasnolesstruethatIlovedherstill."Isitpossible?"wasallIcouldsay.

Desgenais'sfriendsconfirmedallhehadsaid.Mymistresshadbeensurprisedinherownhousebetweentwolovers,andasceneensuedthatallParisknewbyheart.Shewasdisgraced,obligedtoleaveParisorremainexposedtothemostbittertaunts.

Itwaseasyformetoseethatinallthisridiculeagreatpartwasdirectedatme,notonlyonaccountofmyduelinconnectionwiththiswoman,butfrommywholeconductinregardtoher.Tosaythatshedeservedseverestcensure,thatshehadperhapscommittedfarworsesinsthanthoseshewaschargedwith,wasbuttomakemefeelthatIhadbeenoneofherdupes.

Allthisdidnotpleaseme;butDesgenaishadundertakenthetaskofcuringmeofmylove,andwaspreparedtotreatmydiseaseheroically.Alongfriendship,foundedonmutualservices,gavehimcertainrights,andashismotiveappearedpraiseworthyIallowedhimtohavehisway.

Notonlydidhenotspareme,butwhenhesawmytroubleandmyshameincrease,hepressedmetheharder.Myimpatiencewassoobviousthathecouldnotcontinue,sohestoppedandremainedsilent--acoursethatirritatedmestillmore.

InmyturnIbegantoaskquestions;Ipacedtoandfroinmyroom.Althoughtherecitalofthestorywaswell-nighinsupportable,Iwishedtohearitagain.Itriedtoassumeasmilingfaceandtranquilair,butinvain.Desgenaissuddenlybecamesilentafterhavingshownhimselftobeamostvirulentgossip.WhileIwaspacingupanddownmyroomhelookedatmecalmly,asifIwereacagedfox.

Icannotexpressmystateofmind.Thatawomanwhohadsolongbeen

theidolofmyheart,andwho,sinceIhadlosther,hadcausedmesuchdeepaffliction,theonlyoneIhadeverloved,forwhomindeedImightsorrowtilldeath,shouldbecomesuddenlyashamelesswretch,thesubjectofcoarsejests,ofuniversalcensureandscandal!ItseemedtomethatIfeltonmyshoulderthebrandofaglowingironandthatIwasmarkedwithaburningstigma.

ThemoreIreflected,themorethedarknessthickenedaboutme.FromtimetotimeIturnedmyheadandsawacoldsmileoracuriousglance.Desgenaisdidnotleaveme;heknewverywellwhathewasdoing,andsawthatImightgotoanylengthsinmypresentdesperatecondition.

Whenhefoundthathehadbroughtmetothedesiredpoint,hedidnot

hesitatetodealthefinishingstroke.

"Doesthatstorydispleaseyou?"heasked."Thebestisyettocome.MydearOctave,thesceneIhavedescribedtookplaceonacertainnightwhenthemoonwasshiningbrightly.Whilethetwoloverswerequarrellingovertheirfairone,andtalkingofcuttingherthroatasshesatbeforethefire,downinthestreetacertainshadowwasseentopassupanddownbeforethehouse,ashadowthatresembledyousocloselythatitwasdecideditmustbeyou."

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"Whosaysso?"Iasked,"whosawmeinthestreet?"

"Yourmistressherself;shetoldittoeveryonewhocaredtolisten,justascheerfullyaswetellyouherstory.Sheclaimsthatyouloveherstill,thatyoukeepguardatherdoor,inshort--everythingyoucanthinkof;butyououghttoknowthatshetalksaboutyoupublicly."

Ihaveneverbeenabletolie,forwheneverIhavetriedtodisguisethetruthmyfacehasbetrayedme.'Amourpropre',theshameofconfessingmyweaknessbeforewitnessesinducedme,however,tomaketheeffort."ItisverytruethatIwasinthestreet,"Ithought,"buthadIknownthatmymistresswasasbadassheis,Ishouldnothavebeenthere."

FinallyIpersuadedmyselfthatIhadnotbeenseendistinctly;Iattemptedtodenyit.AdeepflushsuffusedmyfaceandIfeltthefutilityofmyfeint.Desgenaissmiled.

"Takecare,"saidhe,"takecare,donotgotoofar."

"But,"Iprotested,"howdidIknowit,howcouldIknow--"

Desgenaiscompressedhislipsasiftosay:

"Youknewenough."

Istoppedshort,mumblingtheremnantofmysentence.MybloodbecamesohotthatIcouldnotcontinue.

"Iinthestreetbathedintears,indespair,andduringthattimethatencounterwithin!What!thatverynight!Mockedbyher!Surely,Desgenais,youaredreaming.Isittrue?Canitbepossible?Whatcanyouknowaboutit?"

Thustalkingathaphazard,Ilostmyheadandanirresistiblefeelingofwrathbegantorisewithinme.FinallyIsatdownexhausted.

"Myfriend,"saidDesgenais,"donottakethethingsoseriously.The

solitarylifeyouhavebeenleadingforthelasttwomonthshasmadeyouill;Iseeyouhaveneedofdistraction.Cometosupperwithmethisevening,andtomorrowmorningwewillgotothecountry."

Thetoneinwhichhesaidthishurtmemorethananythingelse;invainItriedtocontrolmyself."Yes,"Ithought,"deceivedbythatwoman,poisonedbyhorriblesuggestions,havingnorefugeeitherinworkorinfatigue,havingformyonlysafeguardagainstdespairandruinasacredbutfrightfulgrief.OGod!itisthatgrief,thatsacredrelicofmysorrow,thathasjustcrumbledinmyhands!Itisnolonger,mylove,itismydespairthatisinsulted.Mockery!ShemocksatmeasIweep!"Thatappearedincredibletome.AllthememoriesofthepastcrowdedaboutmyheartwhenIthoughtofit.Iseemedtoseethespectresof

ournightsoflove;theyhungoverabottomless,eternalabyss,blackaschaos,andfromthebottomofthatabyssaroseashriekoflaughter,sweetbutmocking,thatsaid:"Beholdyourreward!"

HadIbeentoldthattheworldmockedatmeIwouldhavereplied:"Somuchtheworseforit,"andIshouldnothavebeenangry;butatthesametimeIwastoldthatmymistresswasashamelesswretch.Thus,ononeside,theridiculewaspublic,vouchedfor,statedbytwowitnesseswho,beforetellingwhattheyknew,musthavefeltthattheworldwasagainstme;and,ontheotherhand,whatreplycouldImake?HowcouldI

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escape?WhatcouldIdowhenthecentreofmylife,myheartitself,wasruined,killed,annihilated.WhatcouldIsaywhenthewomanforwhomIhadbravedall,ridiculeaswellasblame,forwhomIhadbornealoadofmisery,whomIloved,andwholovedanother,ofwhomIdemandednolove,ofwhomIdesirednothingbutpermissiontoweepatherdoor,nofavorbutthatofvowingmyyouthtohermemoryandofwritinghername,hernamealone,onthetombofmyhopes!--Ah!whenIthoughtofit,Ifeltthehandofdeathheavyuponme.Thatwomanmockedme,itwasshewhofirstpointedherfingeratme,singlingmeouttotheidlecrowdwhichsurroundedher;itwasshe,itwasthoselipserstwhilesomanytimespressedtomine,itwasthatbody,thatsoulofmylife,myfleshandmyblood,itwasfromthatsourcetheinjurycame;yea,thelastpangofall,themostcowardlyandthemostbitter,thepitilesslaughthatsneersinthefaceofgrief.

ThemoreIthoughtofitthemoreenragedIbecame.DidIsayenraged?Idonotknowwhatpassionpossessedme.WhatIdoknowisthataninordinatedesireforvengeanceenteredintomysoul.HowcouldIrevengemyselfonawoman?Iwouldhavepaidanypriceforaweaponthatcouldbeusedagainsther.ButIhadnone,noteventheoneshehademployed;Icouldnotpayherinherowncoin.

SuddenlyInoticedashadowmovingbehindthecurtainbeforethecloset.Ihadforgottenmyprisoner.

"Listentome!"Icried,rising,"Ihaveloved,Ihavelovedlikeafool.Ideservealltheridiculeyouhavesubjectedmeto.But,byHeaven!IwillshowyousomethingthatwillprovetoyouthatIamnotsuchafoolasyouthink."

WiththesewordsIpulledasidethecurtainandexposedtheinteriorofthecloset.Thegirlwastryingtoconcealherselfinacorner.

"Goin,ifyouchoose,"IsaidtoDesgenais;"youwhocallmeafoolforlovingawoman,seehowyourteachinghasaffectedme.DoyouthinkIpassedlastnightunderthewindowsof--?Butthatisnotall,"Iadded,"thatisnotallIhavetosay.Yougiveasupperto-nightandto-morrow

gotothecountry;Iamwithyou,andshallnotleaveyoufromnowon.Wewillnotseparate,butwillpasstheentiredaytogether.Areyouwithme?Agreed!Ihavetriedtomakeofmyheartthemausoleumofmylove,butIwillburymyloveinanothertomb."

WiththesewordsIsatdown,marvellinghowindignationcansolacegriefandrestorehappiness.Whoeverisastonishedtolearnthat,fromthatday,Icompletelychangedmycourseoflifedoesnotknowtheheartofman,anddoesnotunderstandthatayoungmanoftwentymayhesitatebeforetakingastep,butdoesnotretreatwhenhehasoncetakenit.

CHAPTERII.THECHOSENWAY

Thefirststepsindebaucheryresemblevertigo,foronefeelsasortofterrormingledwithsensuousdelight,asifpeeringdownwardfromsomegiddy--height.Whileshameful,secretdissipationruinsthenoblestofmen,inthefrankandopendefianceofconventionalitythereissomethingthatcompelsrespecteveninthemostdepraved.Hewhogoesatnightfall,muffledinhiscloak,tosullyhislifeinsecret,andclandestinelytoshakeoffthehypocrisyoftheday,resemblesan

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Italianwhostrikeshisenemyfrombehind,notdaringtoprovokehimtoopenquarrel.Thereareassassinationsinthedarkcornersofthecityundershelterofthenight.Hewhogoeshiswaywithoutconcealmentsays:"Everyonedoesitandconcealsit;Idoitanddonotconcealit."Thusspeakspride,andoncethatcuirasshasbeenbuckledon,itglitterswiththerefulgentlightofday.

ItissaidthatDamoclessawaswordsuspendedoverhishead.Thuslibertinesseemtohavesomethingovertheirheadswhichsays:"Goon,butremember,Ihangnotbyathread."ThosemaskedcarriagesthatareseenduringCarnivalarethefaithfulimagesoftheirlife.Adilapidatedopenwagon,flamingtorcheslightinguppaintedfaces;somelaugh,somesing.Amongthemyouseewhatappeartobewomen;theyareinfactwhatoncewerewomen,withhumansemblance.Theyarecaressedandinsulted;nooneknowswhotheyareorwhattheirnames.Theyfloatandstaggerundertheflamingtorchesinanintoxicationthatthinksofnothing,andoverwhich,itissaid,apityingGodwatches.

Butifthefirstimpressionbeastonishment,thesecondishorror,andthethirdpity.Thereisevidentsomuchforce,orrathersuchanabuseofforce,thatoftenthenoblestcharactersandthestrongestconstitutionsareruined.Thelifeappearshardyanddangeroustothese;theywouldmakeprodigiesofthemselves;boundtodebaucheryasMazeppatohishorse,theygallop,makingCentaursofthemselvesandseeing

neitherthebloodytrailthattheshredsoftheirfleshleave,northeeyesofthewolvesthatgleaminhungrypursuit,northedesert,northevultures.

LaunchedintothatlifebythecircumstancesthatIhaverecounted,ImustnowdescribewhatIsawthere.

BeforeIhadacloseviewofoneofthosefamousgatheringscalledtheatricalmaskedballs,IhadheardthedebaucheryoftheRegencyspokenof,andareferencetothetimewhenaqueenofFranceappeareddisguisedasaviolet-seller.Ifoundthereflower-merchantsdisguisedasvivandieres.Iexpectedtofindlibertinismthere,butinfactIfoundnoneatall.Oneseesonlythescumoflibertinism,someblows,

anddrunkenwomenlyingindeathlikestuporonbrokenbottles.

EreIsawdebaucheryattableIhadheardofthesuppersofHeliogabolusandofthephilosophyofGreece,whichmadethepleasuresofthesensesakindofnaturalreligion.Iexpectedtofindoblivionorsomethinglikejoy;Ifoundtheretheworstthingintheworld:ennuitryingtolive,andsomeEnglishmenwhosaid:"Idothisorthat,andsoIamusemyself.Ihavespentsomanysovereigns,andhaveprocuredsomuchpleasure."Andthustheywearouttheirlifeonthatgrindstone.

IhadknownnothingofcourtesanswhenIheardofAspasia,whosatonthekneesofAlcibiadeswhilediscussingphilosophywithSocrates.Iexpectedtofindsomethingboldandinsolent,butgay,free,and

vivacious,somethingwiththesparkleofchampagne;Ifoundayawningmouth,afixedeye,andlightfingers.

BeforeIsawtitledcourtesansIhadreadBoccaccioandBandello;aboveall,IhadreadShakespeare.Ihaddreamedofthosebeautifultriflers;ofthosecherubimofhell.AthousandtimesIhaddrawnthoseheadssopoeticallyfoolish,soenterprisinginaudacity,headsofharebrainedmistresseswhowreckaromancewithaglance,andwhopassthroughlifebywavesandbypulsations,likethesirensofthetides.Ithoughtofthefairiesofthemoderntales,whoarealwaysdrunkwithloveifnot

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withwine.Ifound,instead,writersofletters,exactarrangersofassignations,whopractisedlyingasanartandcloakedtheirbasenessunderhypocrisy,whoseonlythoughtwastogivethemselvesforprofitandtoforget.

ErefirstIlookedonthegaming-tableIhadheardoffloodsofgold,offortunesmadeinaquarterofanhour,andofalordofthecourtofHenryIV,whowonononecardahundredthousandlouis.Ifoundanarrowroomwhereworkmenwhohadbutoneshirtrentedasuitfortheeveningfortwentysous,policestationedatthedoor,andstarvingwretchesstakingacrustofbreadagainstapistol-shot.

Unknowntomewerethosedance-halls,publicorother,opentoanyofthosethirtythousandwomenwhoarepermittedtosellthemselvesinParis;Ihadheardofthesaturnaliaofallages,ofeveryimaginableorgy,fromBabylontoRome,fromthetempleofPriapustotheParc-aux-Cerfs,andIhavealwaysseenwrittenonthesillofthatdoortheword,"Pleasure."Ifoundnothingsuggestiveofpleasure,butinitsplaceanotherword;andithasalwaysseemedineffaceable,notgraveninthatgloriousmetalthattakesthesun'slight,butinthepalestofall,thecoldcolorsofwhichseemtintedbythemoonlightsilver.

ThefirsttimeIsawamob,itwasadepressingmorning--AshWednesday,nearCourtille.Acold,finerainhadbeenfallingsincetheevening

before;thestreetswerecoveredwithpoolsofwater.Carriageswithblindsdownwerestrungouthitherandthither,crowdingbetweenhedgesofhideousmenandwomenstandingonthesidewalks.Thatsinisterwallofspectatorshadtigerisheyes,redwithwine,gleamingwithhatred.Thecarriage-wheelssplashedmudoverthem,buttheydidnotmove.Iwasstandingonthefrontseatofanopencarriage;fromtimetotimeamaninragswouldstepoutfromthewall,hurlatorrentofabuseatus,thencoveruswithacloudofflour.Mudwouldsoonfollow;yetwekeptonourwaytowardtheIsleofLoveandtheprettywoodofRomainville,consecratedbysomanysweetkisses.Oneofmyfriendsfellfromhisseatintothemud,narrowlyescapingdeathonthepaving.Thepeoplethrewthemselvesonhimtooverpowerhim,andwewereobligedtohastentohisassistance.Oneofthetrumpeterswhoprecededusonhorseback

wasstruckontheshoulderbyapaving-stone;theflourhadgivenout.Ihadneverheardofanythinglikethat.

Ibegantounderstandthetimeandcomprehendthespiritoftheage.

CHAPTERIII.AFRICANHOSPITALITY

Desgenaishadplannedareunionofyoungpeopleathiscountryhouse.Thebestwines,asplendidtable,gaming,dancing,hunting,nothingwaslacking.Desgenaiswasrichandgenerous.Hecombinedanantique

hospitalitywithmodernways.Moreoveronecouldalwaysfindinhishousethebestbooks;hisconversationwasthatofamanoflearningandculture.Hewasaproblem.

Itookwithmeataciturnhumorthatnothingcouldovercome;herespecteditscrupulously.Ididnotreplytohisquestionsandhedroppedthesubject;hewassatisfiedthatIhadforgottenmymistress.Iwenttothechaseandappearedatthetable,andwasasconvivialasthebest;heaskednomore.

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Oneofthemostunfortunatetendenciesofinexperiencedyouthistojudgeoftheworldfromfirstimpressions;butitmustbeconfessedthatthereisaraceofmenwhoarealsoveryunhappy;aracewhichsaystoyouth:"Youarerightinbelievinginevil,forweknowwhatitis."Ihaveheard,forexample,acuriousthingspokenof,amediumbetweengoodandevil,acertainarrangementbetweenheartlesswomenandmenworthyofthem--apparentlylove,butinrealityapassingsentiment.Theyspeakofloveasofanengineconstructedbyawagon-builderorabuilding-contractor.Theysaidtome:"Thisandthatareagreedupon,suchandsuchphrasesarespoken,andcertainothersarerepeatedinreply;lettersarewritteninaprescribedmanner,youkneelinacertainattitude."Allisregulatedasinaparade.

Thismademelaugh.Unfortunatelyforme,IcannottellawomanwhomIdespisethatIloveher,evenwhenIknowthatitisonlyaconventionandthatshewillnotbedeceivedbyit.Ihaveneverbentmykneetothegroundwhenmyheartdidnotgowithit.Sothatclassofwomenknownasfacileisunknowntome,orifIallowmyselftobetakenwiththem,itiswithoutknowingit,andthroughinnatesimplicity.

Icanunderstandthatone'ssoulcanbeputaside,butnotthatitshouldbehandled.Thatthereissomeprideinthis,Iconfess,butIdonotintendeithertoboastorabasemyself.AboveallthingsIhatethosewomenwholaughatlove,andIpermitthemtoreciprocatethe

sentiment;therewillneverbeanydisputebetweenus.

Suchwomenarebeneathcourtesans,forcourtesansmaylieaswellasthey;butcourtesansarecapableoflove,andthesewomenarenot.Irememberawomanwholovedme,andwhosaidtoamanmanytimesricherthanI,withwhomshewasliving:"Iamwearyofyou,Iamgoingtomylover."Thatwomanisworthmorethanmanyotherswhoarenotdespisedbysociety.

IpassedtheentireseasonwithDesgenais,andlearnedthatmymistresshadleftFrance;thatnewsleftinmyheartafeelingoflanguorwhichIcouldnotovercome.

Atthesightofthatworldwhichsurroundedandwassonewtome,Iexperiencedatfirstakindofbizarrecuriosity,atoncesadandprofound,whichmademelooktimorouslyatthingsasdoesarestlesshorse.Thenanincidentoccurredwhichmadeadeepimpressiononme.

Desgenaishadwithhimaverybeautifulwomanwholovedhimmuch.OneeveningasIwaswalkingwithhimItoldhimthatIconsideredheradmirable,asmuchonaccountofherattachmentforhimasbecauseofherbeauty.Inshort,Ipraisedherhighlyandwithwarmth,givinghimtounderstandthatheoughttobehappy.

Hemadenoreply.Itwashismanner,forhewasthedryestofmen.Thatnightwhenallhadretired,andIhadbeeninbedsomefifteenminutes

Iheardaknockatmydoor.Isupposeditwassomeoneofmyfriendswhocouldnotsleep,andinvitedhimtoenter.

Thereappearedbeforemyastonishedeyesawoman,verypale,carryingabouquetinherhands,towhichwasattachedapieceofpaperbearingthesewords"ToOctave,fromhisfriendDesgenais."

Ihadnosoonerreadthesewordsthanaflashoflightcametome.IunderstoodthemeaningofthisactionofDesgenaisinmakingmethisAfricangift.Itmademethink.Thepoorwomanwasweepinganddidnot

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daredryhertearsforfearIwouldseethem.Isaidtoher:"Youmayreturnandfearnothing."

SherepliedthatifsheshouldreturnDesgenaiswouldsendherbacktoParis."Yes,"Ireplied,"youarebeautifulandIamsusceptibletotemptation,butyouweep,andyourtearsnotbeingshedforme,Icarenothingfortherest.Go,therefore,andIwillseetoitthatyouarenotsentbacktoParis."

Oneofmypeculiaritiesisthatmeditation,whichwithmanyisafirmandconstantqualityofthemind,isinmycaseaninstinctindependentofthewill,andseizesmelikeafitofpassion.Itcomestomeatintervalsinitsowngoodtime,regardlessofmywillandinalmostanyplace.ButwhenitcomesIcandonothingagainstit.Ittakesmewhitheritpleasesbywhateverrouteseemsgoodtoit.

Whenthewomanhadleft,Isatup.

"Myfriend,"Isaidtomyself,"beholdwhathasbeensentyou.IfDesgenaishadnotseenfittosendyouhismistresshewouldnothavebeenmistaken,perhaps,insupposingthatyoumightfallinlovewithher.

"Haveyouwellconsideredit?Asublimeanddivinemysteryis

accomplished.Suchabeingcostsnaturethemostvigilantmaternalcare;yetman,whowouldcureyou,canthinkofnothingbetterthantoofferyoulipswhichbelongtohiminordertoteachyouhowtoceasetolove.

"Howwasitaccomplished?Othersthanyouhavedoubtlessadmiredher,buttheyrannorisk.Shemightemployalltheseductionshepleased;youalonewereindanger.

"ItmustbethatDesgenaishasaheart,sincehelives.Inwhatrespectdoeshedifferfromyou.Heisamanwhobelievesinnothing,fearsnothing,whoknowsnocareorennui,perhaps,andyetitisclearthatascratchonthefingerwouldfillhimwithterror,forifhisbodyabandonshim,whatbecomesofhim?Helivesonlyinthebody.Whatsort

ofcreatureishewhotreatshissoulastheflagellantstreattheirbodies?Canonelivewithoutahead?

"Thinkofit.Hereisamanwhopossessesoneofthemostbeautifulwomenintheworld;heisyoungandardent;hefindsherbeautifulandtellsherso;sherepliesthatsheloveshim.Someonetoucheshimontheshoulderandsaystohim:'Sheisunfaithful.'Nothingmore,heissureofhimself.Ifsomeonehadsaid:'Sheisapoisoner,'hewould,perhapshavecontinuedtoloveher,hewouldnothavegivenherakissless;butsheisunfaithful,anditisnomoreaquestionoflovewithhimthanofthestarofSaturn.

"Whatisthereinthatword?Awordthatismerited,positive,

withering,atwill.Butwhy?Itisstillbutaword.Canyoukillabodywithaword?

"Andifyoulovethatbody?Someonepoursaglassofwineandsaystoyou:'Donotlovethat,foryoucangetfourforsixfrancs.'Anditmayintoxicateyou!

"ButDesgenaisloveshismistress,sincehekeepsher;hemust,therefore,haveapeculiarfashionofloving?No,hehasnot;hisfashionoflovingisnotlove,andhecaresnomoreforthewomanwho

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meritsaffectionthanforherwhoisunworthy.Helovesnoone,simplyandtruly.

"Whathasledhimtothis?Washebornthus?Toloveisasnaturalastoeatandtodrink.Heisnotaman.Isheadwarforagiant?Ishealwayssoimpassive?Uponwhatdoeshefeed,whatbeveragedoeshedrink?BeholdhimatthirtylikeoldMithridates;poisonsarehisfamiliarfriends.

"Thereisthegreatsecret,mychild,thekeyyoumustgrasp.Bywhateverprocessofreasoningdebaucherymaybedefended,itwillbeproventhatitisnaturalatagivenday,hour,ornight,butnotto-morrownoreveryday.Thereisnotanationonearthwhichhasnotconsideredwomaneitherthecompanionandconsolationofmanorthesacredinstrumentoflife,andhasnotundereitherofthesetwoformshonoredher.AndyethereisanarmedwarriorwholeapsintotheabyssthatGodhasdugwithHisownhandsbetweenmanandbrute;aswellmighthedenythatfact.WhatmuteTitanisthiswhodaresrepressunderthekissesofthebodytheloveofthesoul,andplaceonhumanlipsthestigmaofthebrute,thesealofeternalsilence?

"Thereisawordthatshouldbestudied.Inityouhearthefaintmoanofthosedismallabyrinthsweknowassecretsocieties,mysteriesthattheangelsofdestructionwhisperintheearofnightasitdescends

upontheearth.ThatmanisbetterorworsethanGodhasmadehim.Heislikeasterilewoman,inwhomnaturehasnotcompletedherwork,orthereisdistilledintheshadowofhislifesomevenomouspoison.

"Ah!yes,neitheroccupationnorstudyhasbeenabletocureyou,myfriend.Toforgetandtolearn,thatisyourdevice.Youturntheleavesofdeadbooks;youaretooyoungforantiquities.Lookaboutyou,thepalethrongofmensurroundsyou.Theeyesoflife'ssphynxglitterinthemidstofdivinehieroglyphics;decipherthebookoflife!Courage,scholar,launchoutontheStyx,thedeathlessflood,andletthewavesofsorrowwaftyoutooblivionortoGod."

CHAPTERIV.MARCO

"Allthegoodtherewasinit,supposingtherewassomegoodinit,wasthatfalsepleasuresweretheseedsofsorrowandofbitternesswhichfatiguedmetothepointofexhaustion."Sucharethesimplewordsspokenwithreferencetohisyouthbyamanwhowasthemostmanlyofanywhohavelived--St.Augustine.OfthosewhohavedoneasI,fewwouldsaythosewords;allhavethemintheirhearts;Ihavefoundnoothersinmine.

ReturningtoParisinthemonthofDecember,Ipassedthewinter

attendingpleasureparties,masquerades,suppers,rarelyleavingDesgenais,whowasdelightedwithme:notsowasIwithhim.ThemoreIwentabout,themoreunhappyIbecame.Itseemedtomeafterashorttimethattheworldwhichhadatfirstappearedsostrangewouldhamperme,sotospeak,ateverystep;yetwhereIhadexpectedtoseeaspectre,Idiscovered,uponcloserinspection,ashadow.

Desgenaisaskedwhatailedme.

"Andyou?"Iasked."Whatisthematterwithyou?Haveyoulostsome

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relative?Ordoyousufferfromsomewound?"

Attimesheseemedtounderstandanddidnotquestionme.Occasionallywesatdownatacafetableanddrankuntilourheadsswam;orinthemiddleofthenighttookhorsesandrodetenortwelveleaguesintothecountry;returningtothebath,thentotable,thentogambling,thentobed;andonreachingmine,Ifellonmykneesandwept.Thatwasmyeveningprayer.

Strangetosay,ItookprideinpassingforwhatIwasnot,IboastedofbeingworsethanIreallywas,andexperiencedasortofmelancholypleasureindoingso.WhenIhadactuallydonewhatIclaimed,Ifeltnothingbutennui,butwhenIinventedanaccountofsomefolly,somestoryofdebauchery,orarecitalofanorgywithwhichIhadnothingtodo,itseemedtomethatmyheartwasbettersatisfied,althoughIknownotwhy.

WheneverIjoinedapartyofpleasure-seekersandvisitedsomespotmadesacredbytenderassociationsIbecamestupid,wentoffbymyself,lookedgloomilyatthetreesandbushesasifIwouldliketotramplethemundermyfeet.UponmyreturnIwouldremainsilentforhours.

Thebalefulideathattruthisnuditybesetmeoneveryoccasion.

"Theworld,"Isaidtomyself,"isaccustomedtocallitsdisguisevirtue,itschapletreligion,itsflowingmantleconvenience.HonorandMoralityareman'schambermaids;hedrinksinhiswinethetearsofthepoorinspiritwhobelieveinhim;whilethesunishighintheheavenshewalksaboutwithdowncasteye;hegoestochurch,totheball,totheassembly,andwheneveninghascomeheremoveshismantleandthereappearsanakedbacchantewiththehoofsofagoat."

Butsuchthoughtsarousedafeelingofhorror,forIfeltthatifthebodywasundertheclothing,theskeletonwasunderthebody."Isitpossiblethatthatisall?"Iaskedinspiteofmyself.ThenIreturnedtothecity,Isawalittlegirltakehermother'sarm,andIbecamelikeachild.

AlthoughIhadfollowedmyfriendsintoallmannerofdissipation,Ihadnodesiretoresumemyplaceintheworldofsociety.Thesightofwomencausedmeintolerablepain;Icouldnottouchawoman'shandwithouttrembling.Ihaddecidednevertoloveagain.

NeverthelessIreturnedfromtheballoneeveningsosickatheartthatIfearedthatitwaslove.Ihappenedtohavehadbesidemeatsupperthemostcharmingandthemostdistinguishedwomanwhomithadeverbeenmygoodfortunetomeet.WhenIclosedmyeyestosleepIsawherimagebeforeme.IthoughtIwaslost,andIatonceresolvedthatIwouldavoidmeetingheragain.Asortoffeverseizedme,andIlayonmybedforfifteendays,repeatingoverandoverthelightestwordsIhad

exchangedwithher.

Asthereisnospotonearthwhereonecanbesowell-knownbyhisneighborsasinParis,itwasnotlongbeforethepeopleofmyacquaintancewhohadseenmewithDesgenaisbegantoaccusemeofbeingagreatlibertine.InthatIadmiredthediscernmentoftheworld:inproportionasIhadpassedforinexperiencedandsensitiveatthetimeofmyrupturewithmymistress,Iwasnowconsideredcorruptandhardened.SomeonehadjusttoldmethatitwasclearIhadneverlovedthatwoman,thatIhaddoubtlessmerelyplayedatlove,therebypaying

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meacomplimentwhichIreallydidnotdeserve;butthetruthofitwasthatIwassoswollenwithvanityIwascharmedwithit.

Mydesirewastopassasblase,evenwhileIwasfilledwithdesiresandmyexaltedimaginationwascarryingmebeyondalllimits.IbegantosaythatIcouldnotmakeanyheadwaywiththewomen;myheadwasfilledwithchimeraswhichIpreferredtorealities.Inshort,myuniquepleasureconsistedinalteringthenatureoffacts.Ifathoughtwerebutextraordinary,ifitshockedcommonsense,Ibecameitsardentchampionattheriskofadvocatingthemostdangeroussentiments.

Mygreatestfaultwasimitationofeverythingthatstruckme,notbyitsbeautybutbyitsstrangeness,andnotwishingtoconfessmyselfanimitatorIresortedtoexaggerationinordertoappearoriginal.Accordingtomyidea,nothingwasgoodoreventolerable;nothingwasworththetroubleofturningthehead,andyetwhenIhadbecomewarmedupinadiscussionitseemedasiftherewasnoexpressionintheFrenchlanguagestrongenoughtosustainmycause;butmywarmthwouldsubsideassoonasmyopponentsrangedthemselvesonmyside.

Itwasanaturalconsequenceofmyconduct.AlthoughdisgustedwiththelifeIwasleadingIwasunwillingtochangeit:

Simiglianteaquells'nferma

Chenonpuotrovarposainsulepiume,Macondarvoltasuodolorescherma.--DANTE.

ThusItorturedmymindtogiveitchange,andIfellintoallthesevagariesinordertogetawayfrommyself.

Butwhilemyvanitywasthusoccupied,myheartwassuffering,sothateverwithinmewereamanwholaughedandamanwhowept.Itwasaperpetualstrugglebetweenmyheadandmyheart.Myownmockeriesfrequentlycausedmegreatpainandmydeepestsorrowsarousedadesiretoburstintolaughter.

Onedayamanboastedofbeingproofagainstsuperstitiousfears,in

fact,fearofeverykind.Hisfriendsputahumanskeletoninhisbedandthenconcealedthemselvesinanadjoiningroomtowaitforhisreturn.Theydidnothearanynoise,butinthemorningtheyfoundhimdressedandsittingonthebedplayingwiththebones;hehadlosthisreason.

Imightbethatmanbutforthefactthatmyfavoritebonesarethoseofawell-belovedskeleton;theyarethedebrisofmyfirstlove,allthatremainsofthepast.

Butitmustnotbesupposedthattherewerenojoyousmomentsinallthismaddenedwhirl.AmongDesgenais'scompanionswereseveralyoungmenofdistinctionandanumberofartists.Wesometimespassedtogether

delightfuleveningsimaginingourselveslibertines.Oneofthemwasinfatuatedwithabeautifulsinger,whocharmeduswithherfreshandexpressivevoice.Howmanytimeswesatlisteningtoherwhilesupperwaswaiting!Howmanytimes,whentheflagonshadbeenemptied,oneofusheldavolumeofLamartineandreadaloudinavoicechokedbyemotion!Everyotherthoughtdisappeared.Thehourspassedbyunheeded.Whatstrange"libertines"wewere!Wedidnotspeakawordandthereweretearsinoureyes.

Desgenaisespecially,habituallythecoldestanddryestofmen,

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wasinexplicableonsuchoccasions;hedeliveredhimselfofsuchextraordinarysentimentsthathemighthavebeenapoetindelirium.Butaftertheseeffusionshewouldbeseizedwithfuriousjoy.Whenwarmedbywinehewouldbreakeverythingwithinreach;thegeniusofdestructionstalkedforthinhimarmedtotheteeth.Ihaveseenhimpickupachairandhurlitthroughaclosedwindow.

Icouldnothelpmakingastudyofthissingularman.Heappearedtometheexacttypeofaclasswhichoughttoexistsomewherebutwhichwasunknowntome.Onecouldnevertellwhetherhisoutburstswerethedespairofamansickoflife,orthewhimofaspoiledchild.

Duringthefete,inparticular,hewasinsuchastateofnervousexcitementthatheactedlikeaschoolboy.Oncehepersuadedmetogooutonfootwithhim,muffledingrotesquecostumes,withmasksandinstrumentsofmusic.Wepromenadedallnight,inthemidstofthemostfrightfuldinofhorriblesounds.Wefoundadriverasleeponhisboxandunhitchedhishorses;then,pretendingwehadjustcomefromtheball,setupagreatcry.Thecoachmanstartedup,crackedhiswhip,andhishorsesstartedoffonatrot,leavinghimseatedonthebox.ThatsameeveningwehadpassedthroughtheChampsElysees;Desgenais,seeinganothercarriagepassing,stoppeditafterthemannerofahighwayman;heintimidatedthecoachmanbythreatsandforcedhimtoclimbdownandlieflatonhisstomach.Heopenedthecarriagedoorandfoundwithin

ayoungmanandaladymotionlesswithfright.Hewhisperedtometoimitatehim,andwebegantoenteronedoorandgooutbytheother,sothatintheobscuritythepooryoungpeoplethoughttheysawaprocessionofbanditsgoingthroughtheircarriage.

AsIunderstandit,themenwhosaythattheworldgivesexperienceoughttobeastonishediftheyarebelieved.Theworldismerelyanumberofwhirlpools,eachoneindependentoftheothers;theycircleingroupslikeflocksofbirds.Thereisnoresemblancebetweenthedifferentquartersofthesamecity,andthedenizenoftheChausseed'AntinhasasmuchtolearnatMaraisasatLisbon.Itistruethatthesevariouswhirlpoolsaretraversed,andhavebeensincethebeginningoftheworld,bysevenpersonageswhoarealwaysthesame:the

firstiscalledhope;thesecond,conscience;thethird,opinion;thefourth,desire;thefifth,sorrow;thesixth,pride;andtheseventh,man.

"But,"thereaderobjects,"wherearethewomeninallthis?"

Oh!creatureswhobearthenameofwomenandwhohavepassedlikedreamsthroughalifethatwasitselfadream,whatshallIsayofyou?Wherethereisnoshadowofhopecantherebememory?WhereshallIseekforit?Whatistheremoredumbinhumanmemory?Whatistheremorecompletelyforgottenthanyou?

IfImustspeakofwomenIwillmentiontwo;hereisoneofthem:

Iaskwhatwouldbeexpectedofapoorsewing-girl,youngandpretty,abouteighteen,witharomanticaffaironherhandsthatispurelyaquestionoflove;withlittleknowledgeoflifeandnoideaofmorals;eternallysewingnearawindowbeforewhichprocessionswerenotallowedtopassbyorderofthepolice,butnearwhichadozenyoungwomenprowledwhowerelicensedandrecognizedbythesesamepolice;whatcouldyouexpectofher,whenafterwearyingherhandsandeyesalldaylongonadressorahat,sheleansoutofthatwindowasnightfalls?Thatdressshehassewed,thathatshehastrimmedwithherpoorand

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honesthandsinordertoearnasupperforthehousehold,sheseespassingalongthestreetontheheadoronthebodyofanotoriouswoman.Thirtytimesadayahiredcarriagestopsbeforethedoor,andtherestepsoutadissolutecharacter,numberedasisthehackinwhichsherides,whostandsbeforeaglassandprimps,takingoffandputtingontheresultsofmanydays'workonthepartofthepoorgirlwhowatchesher.Sheseesthatwomandrawfromherpocketgoldinplenty,shewhohasbutonelouisaweek;shelooksatherfeetandherhead,sheexaminesherdressandeyesherasshestepsintohercarriage;andthen,whatcanyouexpect?Whennighthasfallen,afteradaywhenworkhasbeenscarce,whenhermotherissick,sheopensherdoor,stretchesoutherhandandstopsapasserby.

SuchisthestoryofagirlIonceknew.Shecouldplaythepiano,knewsomethingofaccounts,alittledesigning,evenalittlehistoryandgrammar,andthusalittleofeverything.HowmanytimeshaveIregardedwithpoignantcompassionthatsadworkofnature,mutilatedbysociety!HowmanytimeshaveIfollowedinthedarknessthepaleandvacillatinggleamsofasparkflickeringinabortivelife!HowmanytimeshaveItriedtorevivethefirethatsmoulderedunderthoseashes!Alas!herlonghairwasthecolorofashes,andwecalledherCendrillon.

Iwasnotrichenoughtohelpher;Desgenais,atmyrequest,interestedhimselfinthepoorcreature;hemadeherlearnoveragainallofwhich

shehadaslightknowledge.Butshecouldmakenoappreciableprogress.Whenherteacherlefthershewouldfoldherarmsandforhourslooksilentlyacrossthepublicsquare.Whatdays!Whatmisery!OnedayIthreatenedthatifshedidnotworksheshouldhavenomoney;shesilentlyresumedhertask,andIlearnedthatshestoleoutofthehouseafewminuteslater.Wheredidshego?Godknows.BeforesheleftIaskedhertoembroiderapurseforme.Istillhavethatsadrelic,ithangsinmyroom,amonumentoftheruinthatiswroughtherebelow.

Buthereisanothercase:

Itwasabouttenintheeveningwhen,afterariotousday,werepairedtoDesgenais's,whohadleftussomehoursbeforetomake

hispreparations.Theorchestrawasreadyandtheroomfilledwhenwearrived.

Mostofthedancersweregirlsfromthetheatres.

AssoonasweenteredIplungedintothegiddywhirlofthewaltz.Thatdelightfulexercisehasalwaysbeendeartome;Iknowofnothingmorebeautiful,moreworthyofabeautifulwomanandayoungman;alldancescomparedwiththewaltzarebutinsipidconventionsorpretextsforinsignificantconverse.Itistrulytopossessawoman,inacertainsense,toholdherforahalfhourinyourarms,andtodrawheroninthedance,palpitatinginspiteofherself,insuchawaythatitcannotbepositivelyassertedwhethersheisbeingprotectedor

seduced.Somedeliverthemselvesuptothepleasurewithsuchmodestvoluptuousness,withsuchsweetandpureabandon,thatonedoesnotknowwhetherheexperiencesdesireorfear,andwhether,ifpressedtotheheart,theywouldfaintorbreakinpiecesliketherose.Germany,wherethatdancewasinvented,issurelythelandoflove.

IheldinmyarmsasuperbdanseusefromanItaliantheatrewhohadcometoParisforthecarnival;sheworethecostumeofaBacchantewitharobeofpanther'sskin.NeverhaveIseenanythingsolanguishingasthatcreature.Shewastallandslender,andwhiledancingwithextreme

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rapidity,hadtheappearanceofallowingherselftobeled;toseeheronewouldthinkthatshewouldtireherpartner,butsuchwasnotthecase,forshemovedasifbyenchantment.

Onherbosomrestedanenormousbouquet,theperfumeofwhichintoxicatedme.SheyieldedtomyencirclingarmsaswouldanIndianvine,withagentlenesssosweetandsosympatheticthatIseemedenvelopedwithaperfumedveilofsilk.Ateachturntherecouldbeheardalighttinklingfromhermetalgirdle;shemovedsogracefullythatIthoughtIbeheldabeautifulstar,andhersmilewasthatofafairyabouttovanishfromhumansight.Thetenderandvoluptuousmusicofthedanceseemedtocomefromherlips,whileherhead,coveredwithawildernessofblacktresses,bentbackwardasifherneckwastooslendertosupportitsweight.

WhenthewaltzwasoverIthrewmyselfonachair;myheartbeatwildly:"Oh,heaven!"Imurmured,"howcanitbepossible?Oh,superbmonster!Oh!beautifulreptile!Howyouwrithe,howyoucoilinandout,sweetadder,withsuppleandspottedskin!Thycousintheserpenthastaughttheetocoilaboutthetreeoflifeholdingbetweenthylipstheappleoftemptation.Oh!Melusina!Melusina!Theheartsofmenarethine.Youknowitwell,enchantress,withyoursoftlanguorthatseemstosuspectnothing!Youknowverywellthatyouruin,thatyoudestroy;youknowthathewhotouchesyouwillsuffer;youknowthathedieswhobasksin

yoursmile,whobreathestheperfumeofyourflowersandcomesunderthemagicinfluenceofyourcharms;thatiswhyyouabandonyourselfsofreely,thatiswhyyoursmileissosweet,yourflowerssofresh;thatiswhyyouplaceyourarmssogentlyonourshoulders.Oh,heaven!whatisyourwillwithus?"

ProfessorHallehassaidaterriblething:"Womanisthenervouspartofhumanity,manthemuscular."Humboldthimself,thatseriousthinker,hassaidthataninvisibleatmospheresurroundsthehumannerves.

IdonotquotethedreamerswhowatchthewheelingflightofSpallanzani'sbat,andwhothinktheyhavefoundasixthsenseinnature.Suchasnatureis,hermysteriesareterribleenough,herpowers

mightyenough--thatnaturewhichcreatesus,mocksatus,andkillsus--withoutourseekingtodeepentheshadowsthatsurroundus.Butwhereisthemanwhothinkshehaslivedthatwilldenywoman'spoweroverus?Hasheevertakenleaveofabeautifuldancerwithtremblinghands?Hasheeverfeltthatindefinableenervatingmagnetismwhich,inthemidstofthedance,undertheinfluenceofmusic,andthewarmth,makingallelseseemcold,thatcomesfromayoungwoman,electrifyingherandleapingfromhertohimastheperfumeofaloesfromtheswingingcenser?

Iwasstruckwithstupor.Iwasfamiliarwiththatsensationsimilartodrunkennesswhichcharacterizeslove;Iknewthatitwastheaureolewhichcrownedmywell-beloved.Butthatsheshouldexcitesuch

heart-throbs,thatsheshouldevokesuchphantomswithnothingbutherbeauty,herflowers,hermotleycostume,andacertaintrickofdancingshehadlearnedfromsomemerry-andrew;andthatwithoutaword,withoutathought,withoutevenappearingtoknowit!Whatwaschaos,ifitrequiredsevendaystomakesuchabeing?

Itwasnotlove,however,thatIfelt,andIdonotknowhowtodescribeitunlessIcallitthirst.ForthefirsttimeIfeltvibratinginmybodyacordthatwasnotattunedtomyheart.Thesightofthatbeautifulanimalhadarousedaresponsiveroarfromanotheranimalinmy

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nature.IfeltsureIcouldnevertellthatwomanthatIlovedher,orthatshepleasedme,oreventhatshewasbeautiful;therewasnothingonmylipsbutadesiretokissher,andsaytoher:"Makeagirdleofthoselistlessarmsandleanthatheadonmybreast;placethatsweetsmileonmylips."Mybodylovedhers;Iwasundertheinfluenceofbeautyasofwine.

DesgenaispassedandaskedwhatIwasdoingthere.

"Whoisthatwoman?"Iasked.

"Whatwoman?Ofwhomdoyouspeak?"

Itookhisarmandledhimintothehall.TheItaliansawuscomingandsmiled.Istoppedandsteppedback.

"Ah!"saidDesgenais,"youhavedancedwithMarco?"

"WhoisMarco?"Iasked.

"Why,thatidlecreaturewhoislaughingoverthere.Doesshepleaseyou?"

"No,"Ireplied,"Ihavewaltzedwithherandwantedtoknowhername;I

havenofurtherinterestinher."

Shameledmetospeakthus,butwhenDesgenaisturnedawayIfollowedhim.

"Youareveryprompt,"hesaid,"Marcoisnoordinarywoman.ShewasalmostthewifeofM.de------,ambassadortoMilan.Oneofhisfriendsbroughtherhere.Yet,"headded,"youmayrestassuredIshallspeaktoher.Weshallnotallowyoutodiesolongasthereisanyhopeforyouoranyresourceleftuntried.Itispossiblethatshewillremaintosupper."

Heleftme,andIwasalarmedtoseehimapproachher.Buttheywere

soonlostinthecrowd.

"Isitpossible,"Imurmured;"haveIcometothis?Oh!heavens!isthiswhatIamgoingtolove?Butafterall,"Ithought,"mysenseshavespoken,butnotmyheart."

ThusItriedtocalmmyself.AfewminuteslaterDesgenaistappedmeontheshoulder.

"Weshallgotosupperatonce,"saidhe."YouwillgiveyourarmtoMarco."

"Listen,"Isaid;"IhardlyknowwhatIamexperiencing.Itseemstome

IseelimpingVulcancoveringVenuswithkisseswhilehisbeardsmokeswiththefumesoftheforge.Hefixeshisstaringeyesonthedazzlingskinofhisprey.Hishappinessinthepossessionofhisprizemakeshimlaughforjoy,andatthesametimeshudderwithhappiness,andthenheremembershisfather,Jupiter,seatedonhighamongthegods."

Desgenaislookedatmebutmadenoreply;takingmebythearmheledmeaway.

"Iamtired,"hesaid,"andIamsad;thisnoiseweariesme.Letusgo

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tosupper,thatwillrefreshus."

Thesupperwassplendid,butIcouldnottouchit.

"Whatisthematterwithyou?"askedMarco.

Isatlikeastatue,makingnoreplyandlookingatherfromheadtofootwithamazement.

Shebegantolaugh,andDesgenais,whocouldseeusfromhistable,joinedher.Beforeherwasalargecrystalglasscutintheshapeofachalice,whichreflectedtheglitteringlightsonitsthousandsparklingfacets,shiningliketheprismandrevealingthesevencolorsoftherainbow.ShelistlesslyextendedherarmandfilledittothebrimwithCyprianandasweetenedOrientalwinewhichIafterwardfoundsobitteronthedesertedLido.

"Here,"shesaid,presentingittome,"pervoi,bambinomio."

"Foryouandforme,"Isaid,presentinghermyglassinturn.

ShemoistenedherlipswhileIemptiedmyglass,unabletoconcealthesadnesssheseemedtoreadinmyeyes.

"Isitnotgood?"sheasked.

"No,"Ireplied.

"Perhapsyourheadaches?"

"No."

"Oryouaretired?"

"No."

"Ah!thenitistheennuioflove?"

Withthesewordsshebecameserious,forinspiteofherself,inspeakingoflove,herItalianheartbeatthefaster.

Asceneoffollyensued.Headswerebecomingheated,cheekswereassumingthatpurplehuewithwhichwinesuffusesthefaceasiftopreventshameappearingthere.Aconfusedmurmur,liketothatofarisingsea,couldbeheardallovertheroom;hereandthereeyeswouldbecomeinflamed,thenfixedandempty;Iknownotwhatwindstirredabovethisdrunkenness.Awomanrises,asinatranquilseathefirstwavethatfeelsthetempest'sbreathfoamsuptoannounceit;shemakesasignwithherhandtocommandsilence,emptiesherglassatagulpandwiththesamemovementundoesherhair,whichfallsinshiningtresses

overhershoulders;sheopenshermouthasiftostartadrinking-song;hereyesarehalfclosed.Shebreatheswithaneffort;twiceaharshsoundcomesfromherthroat;amortalpalloroverspreadsherfeaturesandshedropsintoherchair.

Thencameanuproarwhichlastedanhour.Itwasimpossibletodistinguishanything,eitherlaughter,songs,orcries.

"Whatdoyouthinkofit?"askedDesgenais.

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"Nothing,"Ireplied."Ihavestoppedmyearsandamlookingatit."

InthemidstofthisBacchanalianorgythebeautifulMarcoremainedmute,drinkingnothingandleaningquietlyonherbarearm.Sheseemedneitherastonishednoraffectedbyit.

"Doyounotwishtodoasthey?"Iasked."YouhavejustofferedmeCyprianwine;whydoyounotdrinksomeyourself?"

WiththesewordsIpouredoutalargeglassfulltothebrim.Sheraisedittoherlipsandthenplaceditonthetable,andresumedherlistlessattitude.

ThemoreIstudiedthatMarco,themoresingularsheappeared;shetookpleasureinnothinganddidnotseemtobeannoyedbyanything.Itappearedasdifficulttoangerherastopleaseher;shedidwhatwasaskedofher,butnomore.Ithoughtofthegeniusofeternalrepose,andIimaginedthatifthatpalestatueshouldbecomesomnambulantitwouldresembleMarco.

"Areyougoodorbad?"Iasked."Areyousadorgay?Areyouloved?Doyouwishtobeloved?Areyoufondofmoney,ofpleasure,ofwhat?Horses,thecountry,balls?Whatpleasesyou?Ofwhatareyoudreaming?"

Toallthesequestionsthesamesmileonherpart,asmilethatexpressedneitherjoynorsorrow,butwhichseemedtosay,"Whatdoesitmatter?"andnothingmore.

Iheldmylipstohers;shegavemealistlesskissandthenpassedherhandkerchiefoverhermouth.

"Marco,"Isaid,"woetohimwholovesyou."

Sheturnedherdarkeyesonme,thenturnedthemupward,andraisingherfingerwiththatItaliangesturewhichcannotbeimitated,shepronouncedthatcharacteristicfemininewordofhercountry:

"Forse!"

Andthendessertwasserved.Someofthepartyhaddeparted,someweresmoking,othersgambling,andafewstillattable;someofthewomendanced,othersslept.Theorchestrareturned;thecandlespaledandotherswerelighted.IrecalledasupperofPetronius,wherethelightswentoutaroundthedrunkenmasters,andtheslavesenteredandstolethesilver.Allthewhilesongswerebeingsunginvariouspartsoftheroom,andthreeEnglishmen,threeofthosegloomyfiguresforwhomtheContinentisahospital,keptupamostsinisterballadthatmusthavebeenbornofthefogsoftheirmarshes.

"Come,"saidItoMarco,"letusgo."

Shearoseandtookmyarm.

"To-morrow!"criedDesgenaistome,asweleftthehall.

WhenapproachingMarco'shouse,myheartbeatviolentlyandIcouldnotspeak.Icouldnotunderstandsuchawoman;sheseemedtoexperienceneitherdesirenordisgust,andIcouldthinkofnothingbutthefactthatmyhandwastremblingandhersmotionless.

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Herroomwas,likeher,sombreandvoluptuous;itwasdimlylightedbyanalabasterlamp.Thechairsandsofawereassoftasbeds,andtherewaseverywheresuggestionofdownandsilk.UponenteringIwasstruckwiththestrongodorofTurkishpastilles,notsuchasaresoldhereonthestreets,butthoseofConstantinople,whicharemorepowerfulandmoredangerous.Sherang,andamaidappeared.Sheenteredanalcovewithoutaword,andafewminuteslaterIsawherleaningonherelbowinherhabitualattitudeofnonchalance.

Istoodlookingather.Strangetosay,themoreIadmiredher,themorebeautifulIfoundher,themorerapidlyIfeltmydesiressubside.Idonotknowwhetheritwassomemagneticinfluenceorhersilenceandlistlessness.Ilaydownonasofaoppositethealcove,andthecoldnessofdeathsettledonmysoul.

Thepulsationofthebloodinthearteriesisasortofclock,thetickingofwhichcanbeheardonlyatnight.Man,freefromexteriorattractions,fallsbackuponhimself;hehearshimselflive.InspiteofmyfatigueIcouldnotclosemyeyes;thoseofMarcowerefixedonme;welookedateachotherinsilence,gently,sotospeak.

"Whatareyoudoingthere?"sheasked.

Sheheavedagentlesighthatwasalmostaplaint.

Iturnedmyheadandsawthatthefirstgleamsofmorninglightwereshiningthroughthewindow.

Iaroseandopenedthewindow;abrightlightpenetratedeverycorneroftheroom.Theskywasclear.

Imotionedtohertowait.Considerationsofprudencehadledhertochooseanapartmentsomedistancefromthecentreofthecity;perhapsshehadotherquarters,forshesometimesreceivedanumberofvisitors.Herlover'sfriendssometimesvisitedher,andthisroomwasdoubtlessonlyapetitemaison;itoverlookedtheLuxembourg,thegardensofwhichextendedasfarasmyeyecouldreach.

Asacorkheldunderwaterseemsrestlessunderthehandwhichholdsit,andslipsthroughthefingerstorisetothesurface,thustherestirredinmeasentimentthatIcouldneitherovercomenorescape.ThegardensoftheLuxembourgmademyheartleapandbanishedeveryotherthought.HowmanytimeshadIstretchedmyselfoutononeofthoselittlemounds,asortofsylvanschool,whileIreadinthecoolshadesomebookfilledwithfoolishpoetry!Forsuch,alas,weretheextravagancesofmychildhood.Isawmanysouvenirsofthepastamongthoseleaflesstreesandfadedlawns.There,whentenyearsofage,Ihadwalkedwithmybrotherandmytutor,throwingbitsofbreadtosomeofthepoorhalf-starvedbirds;there,seatedunderatree,Ihadwatchedagroupoflittlegirlsastheydanced,andfeltmyheartbeatinunisonwiththe

refrainoftheirchildishsong.There,returningfromschool,Ihadfollowedathousandtimesthesamepath,lostinmeditationuponsomeverseofVirgilandkickingthepebblesatmyfeet.

"Oh,mychildhood!Youarethere!"Icried."Oh,heaven!nowIamhere."

Iturnedaround.Marcowasasleep,thelamphadgoneout,thelightofdayhadchangedtheaspectoftheroom;thehangingswhichhadatfirstappearedbluewerenowafadedyellow,andMarco,thebeautifulstatue,waslividasdeath.

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Ishudderedinspiteofmyself;Ilookedatthealcove,thenatthegarden;myheadbecamedrowsyandfellonmybreast.Isatdownbeforeanopensecretarynearoneofthewindows.Apieceofpapercaughtmyeye;itwasanopenletterandIlookedatitmechanically.IreaditseveraltimesbeforeIthoughtwhatIwasdoing.Suddenlyagleamofintelligencecametome,althoughIcouldnotunderstandeverything.Ipickedupthepaperandreadwhatfollows,writteninanunskilledhandandfilledwitherrorsinspelling:

"Shediedyesterday.Shebegantofailattwelvethenightbefore.Shecalledmeandsaid:'Louison,Iamgoingtojoinmycompanion;gototheclosetandtakedownthecloththathangsonanail;itisthemateoftheother.'Ifellonmykneesandwept,butshetookmyhandandsaid:'Donotweep,donotweep!'Andsheheavedsuchasigh--"

Therestwastorn,Icannotdescribetheimpressionthatsadlettermadeonme;IturneditoverandsawontheothersideMarco'saddressandthedatethatoftheeveningprevious.

"Isshedead?Whoisdead?"Icriedgoingtothealcove."Dead!Who?"

Marcoopenedhereyes.Shesawmewiththeletterinmyhand.

"Itismymother,"shesaid,"whoisdead.Youarenotcoming?"

Asshespokesheextendedherhand.

"Silence!"Isaid,"sleep,andleavemetomyself."

Sheturnedoverandwenttosleep.Ilookedatherforsometimetoassuremyselfthatshewouldnothearme,andthenquietlyleftthehouse.

CHAPTERV.SATIETY

OneeveningIwasseatedbeforethefirewithDesgenais.Thewindowwasopen;itwasoneoftheearlydaysinMarch,aharbingerofspring.

Ithadbeenraining,andalightodorcamefromthegarden.

"Whatshallwedothisspring?"Iasked."Idonotcaretotravel."

"IshalldowhatIdidlastyear,"repliedDesgenais."Ishallgotothecountrywhenthetimecomes."

"What!"Ireplied."Doyoudothesamethingeveryyear?Areyougoing

tobeginlifeoveragainthisyear?"

"Whatwouldyouexpectmetodo?"

"WhatwouldIexpectyoutodo?"Icried,jumpingtomyfeet."Thatisjustlikeyou.Ah!Desgenais,howallthisweariesme!Doyounevertireofthissortoflife?"

"No,"hereplied.

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IwasstandingbeforeanengravingoftheMagdaleninthedesert.InvoluntarilyIjoinedmyhands.

"Whatareyoudoing?"askedDesgenais.

"IfIwereanartist,"Ireplied,"andwishedtorepresentmelancholy,Iwouldnotpaintadreamygirlwithabookinherhands."

"Whatisthematterwithyouthisevening?"heasked,smiling.

"No,intruth,"Icontinued,"thatMagdalenintearshasasparkofhopeinherbosom;thatpaleandsicklyhandonwhichshesupportsherhead,isstillsweetwiththeperfumewithwhichsheanointedthefeetofherLord.Youdonotunderstandthatinthatdeserttherearethinkingpeoplewhopray.Thisisnotmelancholy."

"Itisawomanwhoreads,"hereplieddryly.

"Andahappywoman,"Icontinued,"withahappybook."

Desgenaisunderstoodme;hesawthataprofoundsadnesshadtakenpossessionofme.HeaskedifIhadsomesecretcauseofsorrow.Ihesitated,butdidnotreply.

"MydearOctave,"hesaid,"ifyouhaveanytrouble,donothesitatetoconfideinme.SpeakfreelyandyouwillfindthatIamyourfriend!"

"Iknowit,"Ireplied,"IknowIhaveafriend;thatisnotmytrouble."

Heurgedmetoexplain.

"Butwhatwillitavail,"Iasked,"sinceneitherofuscanhelpmatters?Doyouwantthefulnessofmyheartormerelyawordandanexcuse?"

"Befrank!"hesaid.

"Verywell,"Ireplied,"youhaveseenfittogivemeadviceinthepastandnowIaskyoutolistentomeasIhavelistenedtoyou.Youaskwhatisinmyheart,andIamabouttotellyou.

"Takethefirstcomerandsayto,him:'Herearepeoplewhopasstheirlivesdrinking,riding,laughing,gambling,enjoyingallkindsofpleasures;nobarrierrestrainsthem,theirlawistheirpleasure,womenaretheirplaythings;theyarerich.Theyhavenocares,notone.Alltheirdaysaredaysoffeasting.'Whatdoyouthinkofit?Unlessthatmanhappenedtobeaseverebigot,hewouldprobablyreplythatitwasthegreatesthappinessthatcouldbeimagined.

"'Thentakethatmanintothecentreofthewhirl,placehimatatablewithawomanoneitherside,aglassinhishand,ahandfulofgoldeverymorningandsaytohim:'Thisisyourlife.Whileyousleepnearyourmistress,yourhorsesneighinthestables;whileyoudriveyourhorsesalongtheboulevards,yourwinesareripeninginyourvaults;whileyoupassawaythenightdrinking,thebankersareincreasingyourwealth.Youhavebuttoexpressawishandyourdesiresaregratified.Youarethehappiestofmen.Buttakecarelestsomenightofcarousalyoudrinktoomuchanddestroythecapacityofyourbodyforenjoyment.Thatwouldbeaseriousmisfortune,foralltheillsthatafflicthuman

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fleshcanbecured,exceptthat.Youridesomenightthroughthewoodswithjoyouscompanions;yourhorsefallsandyouarethrownintoaditchfilledwithmud,anditmaybethatyourcompanions,inthemidstoftheirhappyshoutingswillnothearyourcryofanguish;itmaybethatthesoundoftheirtrumpetswilldieawayinthedistancewhileyoudragyourbrokenlimbsthroughthedesertedforest.

"'Somenightyouwillloseatthegaming-table;fortunehasitsbaddays.Whenyoureturnhomeandareseatedbeforethefire,donotstrikeyourforeheadwithyourhands,andallowsorrowtomoistenyourcheekswithtears;donotanxiouslycastyoureyesabouthereandthereasifsearchingforafriend;donot,underanycircumstances,thinkofthosewho,undersomethatchedroof,enjoyatranquillifeandwhosleepholdingeachotherbythehand;forbeforeyouonyourluxuriousbedreclinesapalecreaturewholoves--yourmoney.Fromheryouwillseekconsolationforyourgrief,andshewillremarkthatyouareverysadandaskifyourlosswasconsiderable;thetearsfromyoureyeswillconcernherdeeply,fortheymaybethecauseofallowingherdresstogrowoldortheringstodropfromherfingers.Donotnamehimwhowonyourmoneythatnight,forshemaymeethimonthemorrow,andmaymakesweeteyesathimthatwoulddestroyyourremaininghappiness.

"'Thatiswhatistobeexpectedofhumanfrailty;haveyouthestrengthtoendureit?Areyouaman?Bewareofdisgust,itisanincurableevil;

deathismoretobedesiredthanalivingdistasteforlife.Haveyouaheart?Bewareoflove,foritisworsethandiseaseforadebauchee,anditisridiculous.Debaucheespaytheirmistresses,andthewomanwhosellsherselfhasnorightbutthatofcontemptforthepurchaser.Areyoupassionate?Takecareofyourface.Itisshamefulforasoldiertothrowdownhisarmsandforadebaucheetoappeartoholdtoanything;hisgloryconsistsintouchingnothingexceptwithhandsofmarblethathavebeenbathedinoilinorderthatnothingmaysticktothem.

"'Areyouhot-headed?Ifyoudesiretolive,learnhowtokill,forwineisawrangler.Haveyouaconscience?Takecareofyourslumber,foradebaucheewhorepentstoolateislikeashipthatleaks:itcanneitherreturntolandnorcontinueonitscourse;thewindscanwithdifficulty

moveit,theoceanyawnsforit,itcareensanddisappears.Ifyouhaveabody,lookoutforsuffering;ifyouhaveasoul,despairawaitsyou.

"'Ounhappyone!bewareofmen;whiletheywalkalongthesamepathwithyou,youwillseeavastplainstrewnwithgarlandswhereahappythrongofdancerstripthegladsomefarandolestandinginacircle,eachalinkinanendlesschain.Itisbutamirage;thosewholookdownknowthattheyaredancingonasilkenthreadstretchedoveranabyssthatswallowsupallwhofallandshowsnotevenarippleonitssurface.Whatfootissure?Natureherselfseemstodenyyouherdivineconsolation;treesandflowersareyoursnomore;youhavebrokenyourmother'slaws,youarenolongeroneofherfosterchildren;thebirdsofthefieldbecomesilentwhenyouappear.

"'Youarealone!BewareofGod!YouarefacetofacewithHim,standinglikeacoldstatueuponthepedestalofwill.Therainfromheavennolongerrefreshesyou,itunderminesandweakensyou.Thepassingwindnolongergivesyouthekissoflife,itsbenedictiononallthatlivesandbreathes;itbuffetsyouandmakesyoustagger.Everywomanwhokissesyoutakesfromyouasparkoflifeandgivesyounoneinreturn;youexhaustyourselfonphantoms;whereverfallsadropofyoursweattherespringsuponeofthosesinisterweedsthatgrowingraveyards.Die!Youaretheenemyofallwholove;blotyourselffromthefaceofthe

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earth,donotwaitforoldage;donotleaveachildbehindyou,donotperpetuateadropofyourcorruptedblood;vanishasdoesthesmoke,donotdepriveasinglebladeoflivinggrassofarayofsunlight.'"

WhenIhadspokenthesewordsIfellbackinmychair,andafloodoftearsstreamedfrommyeyes.

"Ah!Desgenais,"Icried,sobbing,"thisisnotwhatyoutoldme.Didyounotknowit?Andifyoudid,whydidyounottellmeofit?"

ButDesgenaissatstillwithfoldedhands;hewasaspaleasashroud,andateartrickledslowlydownhischeek.

Amomentofsilenceensued.Theclockstruck;Isuddenlyrememberedthatitwasonthishourandthisdayoneyearagothatmymistressdeceivedme.

"Doyouhearthatclock?"Icried,"doyouhearit?Idonotknowwhatitmeansatthismoment,butitisaterriblehour,andonethatwillcountinmylife."

Iwasbesidemyself,andscarcelyknewwhatIwassaying.Butatthatinstantaservantrushedintotheroom;hetookmyhandandledmeaside,whisperinginmyear:

"Sir,Ihavecometoinformyouthatyourfatherisdying;hehasjustbeenseizedwithanattackofapoplexyandthephysiciansdespairofhislife."

BOOK2.

PARTIII

CHAPTERI.DEATH,THEINEVITABLE

MyfatherlivedinthecountrysomedistancefromParis.WhenIarrivedIfoundaphysicianinthehouse,whosaidtome:

"Youaretoolate;yourfatherexpressedadesiretoseeyoubeforehedied."

Ientered,andsawmyfatherdead."Sir,"Isaidtothephysician,"pleasehaveeveryoneretirethatImaybealonehere;myfatherhadsomethingtosaytome,andhewillsayit."

Inobediencetomyordertheservantslefttheroom.Iapproachedthebedandraisedtheshroudwhichcoveredtheface.Butwhenmyeyesfellonthatcountenance,Istoopedtokissitandlostconsciousness.

WhenIrecovered,Iheardsomeonesay:

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"Ifherequestsit,youmustrefusehimonsomepretextorother."

Iunderstoodthattheywantedtogetmeawayfromthebedofdeath,andsoIfeignedthatIhadheardnothing.WhentheysawthatIwasrestingquietly,theyleftme.Iwaiteduntilthehousewasquiet,andthentookacandleandmademywaytomyfather'sroom.Ifoundthereayoungpriestseatednearthebed.

"Sir,"Isaid,"todisputewithanorphanthelastvigilatafather'ssideisaboldenterprise.Idonotknowwhatyourordersmaybe.Youmayremainintheadjoiningroom;ifanythinghappens,Ialoneamresponsible."

Heretired.Asinglecandleonthetableshoneonthebed.Isatdowninthechairthepriesthadjustleft,andagainuncoveredthosefeaturesIwastoseeforthelasttime.

"Whatdoyouwishtosaytome,father?"Iasked."Whatwasyourlastthoughtconcerningyourchild?"

Myfatherhadabookinwhichhewasaccustomedtowritefromdaytodaytherecordofhislife.Thatbooklayonthetable,andIsawthatitwasopen;Ikneeledbeforeit;onthepagewerethesewordsandnomore:

"Adieu,myson,IloveyouandIdie."

Ididnotshedatear,notasobcamefrommylips;mythroatwasswollenandmymouthsealed;Ilookedatmyfatherwithoutmoving.

Heknewmylife,andmyirregularitieshadcausedhimmuchsorrowandanxiety.Hedidnotrefertomyfuture,tomyyouthandmyfollies.Hisadvicehadoftensavedmefromsomeevilcourse,andhadinfluencedmyentirelife,forhislifehadbeenoneofsingularvirtueandkindness.Isupposedthatbeforedyinghewishedtoseemetotryoncemoretoturnmefromthepathoferror;butdeathhadcometooswiftly;hefeltthathecouldexpressallhehadtosayinoneword,andhewroteinhisbookthathelovedme.

CHAPTERII.THEBALMOFSOLITUDE

Alittlewoodenrailingsurroundedmyfather'sgrave.Accordingtohisexpressedwish,hewasburiedinthevillagecemetery.EverydayIvisitedhistombandpassedpartofthedayonalittlebenchintheinteriorofthevault.TherestofthetimeIlivedaloneinthehouseinwhichhedied,andkeptwithmeonlyoneservant.

Whateversorrowsthepassionsmaycause,thewoesoflifearenotto

becomparedwiththoseofdeath.MyfirstthoughtasIsatbesidemyfather'sbedsidewasthatIwasahelplesschild,knowingnothing,understandingnothing;Icannotsaythatmyheartfeltphysicalpain,butIsometimesbentoverandwrungmyhands,asonewhowakensfromalongsleep.

DuringthefirstmonthsofmylifeinthecountryIhadnothoughteitherofthepastorofthefuture.ItdidnotseemtobeIwhohadliveduptothattime;whatIfeltwasnotdespair,andinnowayresembledtheterriblegriefsIhadexperiencedinthepast;therewas

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asortoflanguorineveryaction,asenseofdisgustwithlife,apoignantbitternessthatwaseatingoutmyheart.Iheldabookinmyhandalldaylong,butIdidnotread;IdidnotevenknowwhatIdreamedabout.Ihadnothoughts;within,allwassilence;Ihadreceivedsuchaviolentblow,andyetonethatwassoprolongedinitseffects,thatIremainedapurelypassivebeingandthereseemedtobenoreaction.

Myservant,Larivebyname,hadbeenmuchattachedtomyfather;hewas,aftermyfatherhimself,probablythebestmanIhadeverknown.Hewasofthesameheight,andworetheclothesmyfatherhadlefthim,havingnolivery.

Hewasofaboutthesameage--thatis,hishairwasturninggray,andduringthetwentyyearshehadlivedwithmyfather,hehadlearnedsomeofhisways.WhileIwaspacingupanddowntheroomafterdinner,Iheardhimdoingthesameinthehall;althoughthedoorwasopenhedidnotenter,andnotawordwasspoken;butfromtimetotimewewouldlookateachotherandweep.Theentireeveningwouldpassthus,anditwouldbelateinthenightbeforeIwouldaskforalight,orgetonemyself.

Everythingaboutthehousewasleftunchanged,notapieceofpaperwasmoved.Thegreatleatherarmchairinwhichmyfatherusedtositstood

nearthefire;histableandhisbookswerejustasheleftthem;Irespectedeventhedustonthesearticles,whichinlifeheneverlikedtoseedisturbed.Thewallsofthatsolitaryhouse,accustomedtosilenceandamosttranquillife,seemedtolookdownonmeinpityasIsatinmyfather'schair,envelopedinhisdressing-gown.Afeeblevoiceseemedtowhisper:"Whereisthefather?Itisplaintoseethatthisisanorphan."

IreceivedseverallettersfromParis,andrepliedtoeachthatIdesiredtopassthesummeraloneinthecountry,asmyfatherwasaccustomedtodo.Ibegantorealizethatinallevilthereissomegood,andthatsorrow,whateverelsemaybesaidofit,isameansofrepose.WhateverthemessagebroughtbythosewhoaresentbyGod,they

alwaysaccomplishthehappyresultofawakeningusfromthesleepoftheworld,andwhentheyspeak,allaresilent.Passingsorrowsblasphemeandaccuseheaven;greatsorrowsneitheraccusenorblaspheme--theylisten.

InthemorningIpassedentirehoursinthecontemplationofnature.Mywindowsoverlookedavalley,inthemidstofwhicharoseavillagesteeple;allwasplainandcalm.Spring,withitsbuddingleavesandflowers,didnotproduceonmethesinistereffectofwhichthepoetsspeak,whofindinthecontrastsoflifethemockeryofdeath.Ilookeduponthefrivolousidea,ifitwasseriousandnotasimpleantithesismadeinpleasantry,astheconceitofaheartthathasknownnorealexperience.Thegamblerwholeavesthetableatbreakofday,hiseyes

burningandhandsempty,mayfeelthatheisatwarwithnature,likethetorchatsomehideousvigil;butwhatcanthebuddingleavessaytoachildwhomournsalostfather?Thetearsofhiseyesaresistersoftherose;theleavesofthewillowarethemselvestears.ItiswhenIlookatthesky,thewoodsandtheprairies,thatIunderstandmenwhoseekconsolation.

Larivehadnomoredesiretoconsolemethantoconsolehimself.Atthetimeofmyfather'sdeathhefearedIwouldsellthepropertyandtakehimtoParis.Ididnotknowwhathehadlearnedofmypastlife,but

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Ihadnoticedhisanxiety,and,whenhesawmesettledownintheoldhome,hegavemeaglancethatwenttomyheart.OnedayIhadalargeportraitofmyfathersentfromParis,andplaceditinthedining-room.WhenLariveenteredtheroomtoserveme,hesawit;hehesitated,lookedattheportraitandthenatme;inhiseyesthereshoneamelancholyjoythatIcouldnotfailtounderstand.Itseemedtosay:"Whathappiness!Wearetosufferhereinpeace!"

Igavehimmyhand,whichhecoveredwithtearsandkisses.

Helookeduponmygriefasthemistressofhisown.WhenIvisitedmyfather'stombinthemorningIfoundhimtherewateringtheflowers;whenhesawmehewentawayandreturnedhome.Hefollowedmeinmyrambles;whenIwasonmyhorseIdidnotexpecthimtofollowme,butwhenIsawhimtrudgingdownthevalley,wipingthesweatfromhisbrow,Iboughtasmallhorsefromapeasantandgaveittohim;thuswerodethroughthewoodstogether.

Inthevillageweresomepeopleofouracquaintancewhofrequentlyvisitedus.Mydoorwasclosedtothem,althoughIregrettedit;butIcouldnotseeanyonewithpatience.Sometime,whensuretobefreefrominterruption,Ihopedtoexaminemyfather'spapers.FinallyLarivebroughtthemtome,anduntyingthepackagewithtremblinghand,spreadthembeforeme.

UponreadingthefirstpagesIfeltinmyheartthatvivifyingfreshnessthatcharacterizestheairnearalakeofcoolwater;thesweetserenityofmyfather'ssoulexhaledasaperfumefromthedustyleavesIwasunfolding.Thejournalofhislifelayopenbeforeme;Icouldcountthediurnalthrobbingsofthatnobleheart.Ibegantoyieldtotheinfluenceofadreamthatwasbothsweetandprofound,andinspiteoftheseriousfirmnessofhischaracter,Idiscoveredanineffablegrace,theflowerofkindness.WhileIread,therecollectionofhisdeathmingledwiththenarrativeofhislife,IcannottellwithwhatsadnessIfollowedthatlimpidstreamuntilitswatersmingledwiththoseoftheocean.

"Oh!justman,"Icried,"fearlessandstainless!whatcandorinthyexperience!Thydevotiontothyfriends,thyadmirationfornature,thysublimeloveofGod,thisisthylife,thereisnoplaceinthyheartforanythingelse.Thespotlesssnowonthemountain'ssummitisnotmorepurethanthysaintlyoldage;thywhitehairresemblesit.Oh!father,father!Givethysnowylockstome,theyareyoungerthanmyblondhead.Letmeliveanddieasthouhastlivedanddied.Iwishtoplantinthesoiloveryourgravethegreenbranchofmyyounglife;Iwillwateritwithmytears,andtheGodoforphanswillprotectthatsacredtwignourishedbythegriefofyouthandthememoryofage."

Afterexaminingthesepreciouspapers,Iclassifiedthemandarrangedtheminorder.Iformedaresolutiontowriteajournalmyself.Ihad

onemadejustlikethatofmyfather's,and,carefullysearchingouttheminordetailsofhislife,Itriedtoconformmylifetohis.Thus,wheneverIheardtheclockstrikethehour,tearscametomyeyes:"This,"saidI,"iswhatmyfatherdidatthishour,"andwhetheritwasreading,walking,oreating,Ineverfailedtofollowhisexample.ThusIaccustomedmyselftoacalmandregularlife;therewasanindefinablecharmaboutthisorderlyconductthatdidmegood.IwenttobedwithasenseofcomfortandhappinesssuchasIhadnotknownforalongtime.Myfatherspentmuchofhistimeaboutthegarden;therestofthedaywasdevotedtowalkingandstudy,aniceadjustmentofbodilyandmental

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exercise.

AtthesametimeIfollowedhisexampleindoinglittleactsofbenevolenceamongtheunfortunate.Ibegantosearchforthosewhowereinneedofmyassistance,andthereweremanyoftheminthevalley.Isoonbecameknownamongthepoor;mymessagetothemwas:"Whentheheartisgood,sorrowissacred!"ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIwashappy;Godblessedmytearsandsorrowtaughtmevirtue.

CHAPTERIII.BRIGITTE

Oneevening,asIwaswalkingunderarowoflindensattheentrancetothevillage,Isawayoungwomancomefromahousesomedistancefromtheroad.ShewasdressedsimplyandveiledsothatIcouldnotseeherface;butherformandhercarriageseemedsocharmingthatIfollowedherwithmyeyesforsometime.Asshewascrossingafield,awhitegoat,strayingatlibertythroughthegrass,rantoherside;shecaresseditsoftly,andlookedaboutasifsearchingforsomefavoriteplantstofeedtoit.Isawnearmesomewildmulberry;Ipluckedabranchandsteppeduptoherholdingitinmyhand.Thegoatwatchedmyapproachwithapprehension;hewasafraidtotakethebranchfrommy

hand.Hismistressmadehimasignasiftoencouragehim,buthelookedatherwithanairofanxiety;shethentookthebranchfrommyhand,andthegoatpromptlyaccepteditfromhers.Ibowed,andshepassedonherway.

OnmyreturnhomeIaskedLariveifheknewwholivedinthehouseIdescribedtohim;itwasasmallhouse,modestinappearance,withagarden.Herecognizedit;therewerebuttwopeopleinthehouse,anoldwomanwhowasveryreligious,andayoungwomanwhosenamewasMadamePierson.ItwassheIhadseen.Iaskedhimwhoshewas,andifsheevercametoseemyfather.Herepliedthatshewasawidow,thatsheledaretiredlife,andthatshehadvisitedmyfather,butrarely.WhenIhadlearnedallheknew,Ireturnedtothelindensandsatdownonabench.

IdonotknowwhatfeelingofsadnesscameovermeasIsawthegoatapproachingme.Iarosefrommyseat,and,fordistraction,IfollowedthepathIhadseenMadamePiersontake,apaththatledtothemountains.

ItwasnearlyelevenintheeveningbeforeIthoughtofreturning;asIhadwalkedsomedistance,Idirectedmystepstowardafarmhouse,intendingtoaskforsomemilkandbread.Dropsofrainbegantosplashatmyfeet,announcingathunder-showerwhichIwasanxioustoescape.Althoughtherewasalightintheplace,andIcouldhearthesoundoffeetgoingandcomingthroughthehouse,noonerespondedtomyknock,andIwalkedaroundtooneofthewindowstoascertainiftherewasany

onewithin.

Isawabrightfireburninginthelowerhall;thefarmer,whomIknew,wassittingnearhisbed;Iknockedonthewindow-paneandcalledtohim.Justthenthedooropened,andIwassurprisedtoseeMadamePierson,whoinquiredwhowasthere.

Iwaitedamomentinordertoconcealmyastonishment.Ithenenteredthehouse,andaskedpermissiontoremainuntilthestormshouldpass.Icouldnotimaginewhatshewasdoingatsuchanhourinthisdeserted

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spot;suddenlyIheardaplaintivevoicefromthebed,andturningmyheadIsawthefarmer'swifelyingtherewiththesealofdeathonherface.

MadamePierson,whohadfollowedme,satdownbeforetheoldmanwhowasbowedwithsorrow;shemademeasigntomakenonoiseasthesickwomanwassleeping.Itookachairandsatinacorneruntilthestormpassed.

WhileIsatthereIsawherrisefromtimetotimeandwhispersomethingtothefarmer.Oneofthechildren,whomItookuponmyknee,saidthatshehadbeencomingeverynightsincethemother'sillness.Sheperformedthedutiesofasisterofcharity;therewasnooneelseinthecountrywhocoulddoit;therewasbutonephysician,andhewasdenselyignorant.

"ThatisBrigittelaRose,"saidthechild;"don'tyouknowher?"

"No,"Irepliedinalowvoice."Whydoyoucallherbysuchaname?"

Herepliedthathedidnotknow,unlessitwasbecauseshehadbeenrosyandthenamehadclungtoher.

AsMadamePiersonhadlaidasideherveilIcouldseeherface;whenthechildleftmeIraisedmyhead.Shewasstandingnearthebed,holding

inherhandacup,whichshewasofferingthesickwomanwhohadawakened.Sheappearedtobepaleandthin;herhairwasashenblond.Herbeautywasnotoftheregulartype.HowshallIexpressit?Herlargedarkeyeswerefixedonthoseofherpatient,andthoseeyesthatshonewithapproachingdeathreturnedhergaze.Therewasinthatsimpleexchangeofkindnessandgratitudeabeautythatcannotbedescribed.

Therainwasfallingintorrents;aheavydarknesssettledoverthelonelymountain-side,piercedbyoccasionalflashesoflightning.Thenoiseofthestorm,theroaringofthewind,thewrathoftheunchainedelementsmadeadeepcontrastwiththereligiouscalmwhichprevailedinthelittlecottage.Ilookedatthewretchedbed,atthebrokenwindows,thepuffsofsmokeforcedfromthefirebythetempest;Iobserved

thehelplessdespairofthefarmer,thesuperstitiousterrorofthechildren,thefuryoftheelementsbesiegingthebedofdeath;andinthemidstofall,seeingthatgentle,pale-facedwomangoingandcoming,bravelymeetingthedutiesofthemoment,regardlessofthetempestandofourpresence,itseemedtometherewasinthatcalmperformancesomethingmoreserenethanthemostcloudlesssky,something,indeed,superhumanaboutthiswomanwho,surroundedbysuchhorrors,didnotforaninstantloseherfaithinGod.

Whatkindofwomanisthis,Iwondered;whencecomesshe,andhowlonghasshebeenhere?Alongtime,sincetheyrememberwhenhercheekswererosy.HowisitIhaveneverheardofher?Shecomestothisspotaloneandatthishour?Yes.Shehastraversedthesemountainsandvalleys

throughstormandfairweather,shegoeshitherandthitherbearinglifeandhopewherevertheyfail,holdinginherhandthatfragilecup,caressinghergoatasshepasses.AndthisiswhathasbeengoingoninthisvalleywhileIhavebeendiningandgambling;shewasprobablybornhere,andwillbeburiedinacornerofthecemetery,bythesideofherfather.Thuswillthatobscurewomandie,awomanofwhomnoonespeaksandofwhomthechildrensay:"Don'tyouknowher?"

IcannotexpresswhatIexperienced;Isatquietlyinmycornerscarcelybreathing,anditseemedtomethatifIhadtriedtoassist

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her,ifIhadreachedoutmyhandtospareherasinglestep,Ishouldhavebeenguiltyofsacrilege,Ishouldhavetouchedsacredvessels.

Thestormlastedtwohours.Whenitsubsidedthesickwomansatupinherbedandsaidthatshefeltbetter,thatthemedicineshehadtakenhaddonehergood.Thechildrenrantothebedside,lookingupintotheirmother'sfacewithgreateyesthatexpressedbothsurpriseandjoy.

"Iamverysureyouarebetter,"saidthehusband,whohadnotstirredfromhisseat,"forwehavehadamasscelebrated,anditcostusalargesum."

AtthatcoarseandstupidexpressionIglancedatMadamePierson;herswolleneyes,herpallor,herattitude,allclearlyexpressedfatigueandtheexhaustionoflongvigils.

"Ah!mypoorman!"saidthefarmer'swife,"mayGodrewardyou!"

Icouldhardlycontainmyself,Iwassoangeredbythestupidityofthesebruteswhowerecapableofcreditingtheworkofcharitytotheavariceofacure.

Iwasabouttoreproachthemfortheiringratitudeandtreatthemas

theydeserved,whenMadamePiersontookoneofthechildreninherarmsandsaid,withasmile:

"Youmaykissyourmother,forsheissaved."

IstoppedwhenIheardthesewords.

Neverwasthesimplecontentmentofahappyandbenevolentheartpaintedinsuchbeautyonsosweetaface.Fatigueandpallorseemedtovanish,shebecameradiantwithjoy.

AfewminuteslaterMadamePiersontoldthechildrentocallthefarmer'sboytoconductherhome.Iadvancedtooffermyservices;I

toldherthatitwasuselesstoawakentheboyasIwasgoinginthesamedirection,andthatshewoulddomeanhonorbyacceptingmyoffer.SheaskedmeifIwasnotOctavedeT--------.

IrepliedthatIwas,andthatshedoubtlessrememberedmyfather.Itstruckmeasstrangethatsheshouldsmileatthatquestion;shecheerfullyacceptedmyarmandwesetoutonourreturn.

Wewalkedalonginsilence;thewindwasgoingdown;thetreesquiveredgently,shakingtherainfromtheboughs.Somedistantflashesoflightningcouldstillbeseen;theperfumeofhumidverdurefilledthewarmair.Theskysoonclearedandthemoonilluminedthemountain.

Icouldnothelpthinkingofthewhimsicalnessofchance,whichhadseenfittomakemethesolitarycompanionofawomanofwhoseexistenceIknewnothingafewhoursbefore.ShehadacceptedmeasherescortonaccountofthenameIbore,andleanedonmyarmwithquietconfidence.Inspiteofherdistraughtairitseemedtomethatthisconfidencewaseitherveryboldorverysimple;andshemustneedsbeeithertheoneortheother,forateachstepIfeltmyheartbecomingatonceproudandinnocent.

Wespokeofthesickwomanshehadjustquitted,ofthescenesalong

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theroute;itdidnotoccurtoustoaskthequestionsincidenttoanewacquaintance.Shespoketomeofmyfather,andalwaysinthesametoneIhadnotedwhenIfirstrevealedmyname--thatis,cheerfully,almostgayly.BydegreesIthoughtIunderstoodwhyshedidthis,observingthatshespokethusofall,bothlivinganddead,oflifeandofsufferinganddeath.ItwasbecausehumansorrowshadtaughthernothingthatcouldaccuseGod,andIfeltthepietyofhersmile.

ItoldherofthesolitarylifeIwasleading.Heraunt,shesaid,hadseenmoreofmyfatherthanshe,astheyhadsometimesplayedcardstogetherafterdinner.Sheurgedmetovisitthem,assuringmeawelcome.

Whenabouthalfwayhomeshecomplainedoffatigueandsatdowntorestonabenchthattheheavyfoliagehadprotectedfromtherain.Istoodbeforeherandwatchedthepalelightofthemoonplayingonherface.Afteramoment'ssilenceshearoseand,inaconstrainedmanner,observed:

"Ofwhatareyouthinking?Itistimeforustothinkofreturning."

"Iwaswondering,"Ireplied,"whyGodcreatedyou,andIwassayingtomyselfthatitwasforthesakeofthosewhosuffer."

"Thatisanexpressionthat,comingfromyou,Icannotlookuponexceptasacompliment."

"Why?"Iasked.

"Becauseyouappeartobeveryyoung."

"Itsometimeshappens,"Isaid,"thatoneisolderthanthefacewouldseemtoindicate."

"Yes,"shereplied,smiling,"anditsometimeshappensthatoneisyoungerthanhiswordswouldseemtoindicate."

"Haveyounofaithinexperience?"

"Iknowthatitisthenamemostyoungmengivetotheirfolliesandtheirdisappointments;whatcanoneknowatyourage?"

"Madame,amanoftwentymayknowmorethanawomanofthirty.Thelibertywhichmenenjoyenablesthemtoseemoreoflifeanditsexperiencesthanwomen;theygowherevertheyplease,andnobarrierrestrainsthem;theytestlifeinallitsphases.Wheninspiredbyhope,theypressforwardtoachievement;whattheywilltheyaccomplish.Whentheyhavereachedtheend,theyreturn;hopehasbeenlostontheroute,andhappinesshasbrokenitsword."

AsIwasspeakingwereachedthesummitofalittlehillwhichslopeddowntothevalley;MadamePierson,yieldingtothedownwardtendency,begantotriplightlydowntheincline.Withoutknowingwhy,Ididthesame,andwerandownthehill,arminarm,thelonggrassunderourfeetretardedourprogress.Finally,liketwobirds,spentwithflight,wereachedthefootofthemountain.

"Behold!"criedMadamePierson,"justashorttimeagoIwastired,butnowIamrested.And,believeme,"sheadded,withacharmingsmile,"youshouldtreatyourexperienceasIhavetreatedmyfatigue.Wehave

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madegoodtime,andshallenjoysupperthemoreonthataccount."

CHAPTERIV.RIPENINGACQUAINTANCE

Iwenttoseeherinthemorning.Ifoundheratthepiano,heroldauntatthewindowsewing,thelittleroomfilledwithflowers,thesunlightstreamingthroughtheblinds,alargebird-cageatherside.

Iexpectedtofindhersomethingofareligieuse,atleastoneofthosewomenoftheprovinceswhoknownothingofwhathappenstwoleaguesaway,andwholiveinacertainnarrowcirclefromwhichtheyneverescape.Iconfessthatsuchisolatedlife,whichisfoundhereandthereinsmalltowns,underathousandunknownroofs,hadalwayshadonmetheeffectofstagnantpoolsofwater;theairdoesnotseemrespirable:ineverythingonearththatisforgotten,thereissomethingofdeath.

OnMadamePierson'stableweresomepapersandnewbooks;theyappearedasiftheyhadnotbeenmorethantouched.Inspiteofthesimplicityofeverythingaroundher,offurnitureanddress,itwaseasytorecognizemode,thatistosay,life;shedidnotliveforthisalone,butthatgoeswithoutsaying.Whatstruckmeinhertastewasthattherewas

nothingbizarre,everythingbreathedofyouthandpleasantness.

Herconversationindicatedafinishededucation;therewasnosubjectonwhichshecouldnotspeakwellandwithease.Whileadmittingthatshewasnaive,itwasevidentthatshewasatthesametimeprofoundinthoughtandfertileinresource;anintelligenceatoncebroadandfreesoaredgentlyoverasimpleheartandoverthehabitsofaretiredlife.Thesea-swallow,whirlingthroughtheazureheavens,soarsthusoverthebladeofgrassthatmarksitsnest.

Wetalkedofliterature,music,andevenpolitics.ShehadvisitedParisduringthewinter;fromtimetotimeshedippedintotheworld;whatshesawthereservedasabasisforwhatshedivined.

Butherdistinguishingtraitwasgayety,acheerfulnessthat,whilenotexactlyjoyitself,wasconstantandunalterable;itmightbesaidthatshewasbornaflower,andthatherperfumewasgayety.

Herpallor,herlargedarkeyes,hermanneratcertainmoments,allledmetobelievethatshehadsuffered.IknownotwhatitwasthatseemedtosaythatthesweetserenityofherbrowwasnotofthisworldbuthadcomefromGod,andthatshewouldreturnittoHimspotlessinspiteofman;andthereweretimeswhensheremindedoneofthecarefulhousewife,who,whenthewindblows,holdsherhandbeforethecandle.

AfterIhadbeeninthehousehalfanhourIcouldnothelpsayingwhat

wasinmyheart.Ithoughtofmypastlife,ofmydisappointmentandmyennui;Iwalkedtoandfro,breathingthefragranceoftheflowersandlookingatthesun.Iaskedhertosing,andshedidsowithgoodgrace.InthemeantimeIleanedonthewindow-sillandwatchedthebirdsflittingaboutthegarden.AsayingofMontaigne'scameintomyhead:"Ineitherlovenoresteemsadness,althoughtheworldhasinvestedit,atagivenprice,withthehonorofitsparticularfavor.Theydressupinitwisdom,virtue,conscience.Stupidandabsurdadornment."

"Whathappiness!"Icried,inspiteofmyself."Whatrepose!Whatjoy!

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Whatforgetfulnessofself!"

Thegoodauntraisedherheadandlookedatmewithanairofastonishment;MadamePiersonstoppedshort.Ibecameredasfirewhenconsciousofmyfolly,andsatdownwithoutaword.

Wewentoutintothegarden.ThewhitegoatIhadseentheeveningbeforewaslyinginthegrass;itcameuptoherandfollowedusaboutthegarden.

Whenwereachedtheendofthegardenwalk,alargeyoungmanwithapaleface,cladinakindofblackcassock,suddenlyappearedattherailing.HeenteredwithoutknockingandbowedtoMadamePierson;itseemedtomethathisface,whichIconsideredabadomen,darkenedalittlewhenhesawme.HewasapriestIhadoftenseeninthevillage,andhisnamewasMercanson;hecamefromSt.Sulpiceandwasrelatedtothecureoftheparish.

Hewaslargeandatthesametimepale,athingwhichalwaysdispleasesmeandwhichis,infact,unpleasant;itimpressesmeasasortofdiseasedhealthfulness.Moreover,hehadtheslowyetjerkywayofspeakingthatcharacterizesthepedant.Evenhismannerofwalking,whichwasnotthatofyouthandhealth,repelledme;asforhisglance,itmightbesaidthathehadnone.Idonotknowwhattothinkofaman

whoseeyeshavenothingtosay.ThesearethesignswhichledmetoanunfavorableopinionofMercanson,anopinionwhichwasunfortunatelycorrect.

HesatdownonabenchandbegantotalkaboutParis,whichhecalledthemodernBabylon.Hehadbeenthere,hekneweveryone;heknewMadamedeB------,whowasanangel;hehadpreachedsermonsinhersalonandwaslistenedtoonbendedknee.(Theworstofthiswasthatitwastrue.)Oneofhisfriends,whohadintroducedhimthere,hadbeenexpelledfromschoolforhavingseducedagirl;aterriblethingtodo,verysad.HepaidMadamePiersonathousandcomplimentsforhercharitabledeedsthroughoutthecountry;hehadheardofherbenefactions,hercareforthesick,hervigilsatthebedofsuffering

andofdeath.Itwasverybeautifulandnoble;hewouldnotfailtospeakofitatSt.Sulpice.DidhenotseemtosaythathewouldnotfailtospeakofittoGod?

Weariedbythisharangue,inordertoconcealmyrisingdisgust,Isatdownonthegrassandbegantoplaywiththegoat.Mercansonturnedonmehisdullandlifelesseye:

"ThecelebratedVergniaud,"saidhe,"wasafflictedwiththehabitofsittingonthegroundandplayingwithanimals."

"Itisahabitthatisinnocentenough,"Ireplied."Iftherewerenoneworsetheworldwouldgetalongverywell,withoutsomuchmeddlingon

thepartofothers."

Myreplydidnotpleasehim;hefrownedandchangedthesubject.Hewaschargedwithacommission;hisunclethecurehadspokentohimofapoordevilwhowasunabletoearnhisdailybread.Helivedinsuchandsuchaplace;hehadbeentherehimselfandwasinterestedinhim;hehopedthatMadamePierson--

Iwaslookingatherwhilehewasspeaking,wonderingwhatreplyshewouldmakeandhopingshewouldsaysomethinginordertoeffacethe

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memoryofthepriest'svoicewithhergentletones.Shemerelybowedandheretired.

Whenhehadgoneourgayetyreturned.Weenteredagreenhouseintherearofthegarden.

MadamePiersontreatedherflowersasshedidherbirdsandherpeasants:everythingabouthermustbewellcaredfor,eachflowermusthaveitsdropofwaterandrayofsunlightinorderthatitmightbegayandhappyasanangel;sonothingcouldbeinbetterconditionthanherlittlegreenhouse.Whenwehadmadetheroundofthebuilding,shesaid:

"Thisismylittleworld;youhaveseenallIpossess,andmydomainendshere."

"Madame,"Isaid,"asmyfather'snamehassecuredformethefavorofadmittancehere,permitmetoreturn,andIwillbelievethathappinesshasnotentirelyforgottenme."

SheextendedherhandandItoucheditwithrespect,notdaringtoraiseittomylips.

Ireturnedhome,closedmydoorandretired.Theredancedbeforemyeyesalittlewhitehouse;Isawmyselfwalkingthroughthevillage

andknockingatthegardengate."Oh,mypoorheart!"Icried."Godbepraised,youarestillyoung,youarestillcapableoflifeandoflove!"

OneeveningIwaswithMadamePierson.Morethanthreemonthshadpassed,duringwhichIhadseenheralmosteveryday;andwhatcanIsayofthattimeexceptthatIsawher?"Tobewiththosewelove,"saidBruyere,"suffices;todream,totalktothem,nottotalktothem,tothinkofthem,tothinkofthemostindifferentthings,buttobenearthem,thatisall."

Iloved.Duringthethreemonthswehadtakenmanylongwalks;Iwasinitiatedintothemysteriesofhermodestcharities;wepassedthrough

darkstreets,sheonherpony,Ionfoot,asmallstickinmyhand;thushalfconversing,halfdreaming,wewentfromcottagetocottage.TherewasalittlebenchneartheedgeofthewoodwhereIwasaccustomedtorestafterdinner;wemethereregularly,asthoughbychance.Inthemorning,music,reading;intheevening,cardswiththeauntasinthedaysofmyfather;andshealwaysthere,smiling,herpresencefillingmyheart.Bywhatroad,OProvidence!haveyouledme?WhatirrevocabledestinyamItoaccomplish?What!alifesofree,anintimacysocharming,somuchrepose,suchbuoyanthope!OGod!Ofwhatdomencomplain?Whatistheresweeterthanlove?

Tolive,yes,tofeelintensely,profoundly,thatoneexists,thatoneisasentientman,createdbyGod,thatisthefirst,thegreatestgift

oflove.Wecannotdeny,however,thatloveisamystery,inexplicable,profound.Withallthechains,withallthepains,andImayevensay,withallthedisgustwithwhichtheworldhassurroundedit,buriedasitisunderamountainofprejudiceswhichdistortanddepraveit,inspiteofalltheordurethroughwhichithasbeendragged,love,eternalandfatallove,isnonethelessacelestiallawaspowerfulandasincomprehensibleasthatwhichsuspendsthesunintheheavens.

Whatisthismysteriousbond,strongerandmoredurablethaniron,thatcanneitherbeseennortouched?Whatisthereinmeetingawoman,in

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lookingather,inspeakingonewordtoher,andthenneverforgettingher?Whythisoneratherthanthatone?Invoketheaidofreason,ofhabit,ofthesenses,thehead,theheart,andexplainitifyoucan.Youwillfindnothingbuttwobodies,onehere,theotherthere,andbetweenthem,what?Air,space,immensity.Oblindfools!whofondlyimagineyourselvesmen,andwhoreasonoflove!Haveyoutalkedwithit?No,youhavefeltit.Youhaveexchangedaglancewithapassingstranger,andsuddenlytherefliesoutfromyousomethingthatcannotbedefined,thathasnonameknowntoman.Youhavetakenrootinthegroundliketheseedconcealedintheturfwhichfeelsthelifewithinit,andwhichisonitswaytomaturity.

Wewerealone,thewindowwasopen,themurmurofalittlefountaincametousfromthegarden.OGod!wouldthatIcouldcount,dropbydrop,allthewaterthatfellwhileweweresittingthere,whileshewastalkingandIwasanswering.ItwastherethatIbecameintoxicatedwithhertothepointofmadness.

Itissaidthatthereisnothingsorapidasafeelingofantipathy,butIbelievethattheroadtoloveismoreswiftlytraversed.Howpricelesstheslightestwords!Whatsignifiestheconversation,whenyoulistenforthehearttoanswer?Whatsweetnessintheglanceofawomanwhobeginstoattractyou!Atfirstitseemsasthougheverythingthatpassesbetweenyouistimidandtentative,butsoonthereisborna

strangejoy,anechoanswersyou;youknowaduallife.Whatatouch!Whatastrangeattraction!Andwhenloveissureofitselfandknowsresponseintheobjectbeloved,whatserenityinthesoul!Wordsdieonthelips,foreachoneknowswhattheotherisabouttosaybeforeutterancehasshapedthethought.Soulsexpand,lipsaresilent.Oh!whatsilence!Whatforgetfulnessofall!

Althoughmylovebeganthefirstdayandhadsincegrowntoardor,therespectIfeltforMadamePiersonsealedmylips.Ifshehadbeenlessfrankinpermittingmetobecomeherfriend,perhapsIshouldhavebeenmorebold,forshehadmadesuchastrongimpressiononme,thatIneverquittedherwithouttransportsoflove.Buttherewassomethinginthefranknessandtheconfidencesheplacedinmethatcheckedme;moreover,

itwasinmyfather'snamethatIhadbeentreatedasafriend.Thatconsiderationrenderedmestillmorerespectful,andIresolvedtoproveworthyofthatname.

Totalkoflove,theysay,istomakelove.Werarelyspokeofit.EverytimeIhappenedtotouchthesubjectMadamePiersonledtheconversationtosomeothertopic.Ididnotdiscernhermotive,butitwasnotprudery;itseemedtomethatatsuchtimesherfacetookonasternaspect,andawaveoffeeling,evenofsuffering,passedoverit.AsIhadneverquestionedheraboutherpastlifeandwasunwillingtodoso,Irespectedherobviouswishes.

Sundaytherewasdancinginthevillage;shewasalmostalwaysthere.On

thoseoccasionshertoilet,althoughquitesimple,wasmoreelegantthanusual;therewasaflowerinherhair,abrightribbon,orsomesuchbagatelle;buttherewassomethingyouthfulandfreshabouther.Thedance,whichshelovedforitselfasanamusingexercise,seemedtoinspireherwithafrolicsomegayety.Oncelaunchedontheflooritseemedtomesheallowedherselfmorelibertythanusual,thattherewasanunusualfamiliarity.Ididnotdance,beingstillinmourning,butImanagedtokeepnearher,andseeingherinsuchgoodhumor,Iwasoftentemptedtoconfessmylove.

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Butforsomestrangereason,wheneverIthoughtofit,Iwasseizedwithanirresistiblefeelingoffear;theideaofanavowalwasenoughtorendermeseriousinthemidstofgayety.Iconceivedtheideaofwritingtoher,butburnedthelettersbeforetheywerehalffinished.

ThateveningIdinedwithher,andlookedaboutmeatthemanyevidencesofatranquillife;IthoughtofthequietlifethatIwasleading,ofmyhappinesssinceIhadknownher,andsaidtomyself:"Whyaskformore?Doesnotthissuffice?Whoknows,perhapsGodhasnothingmoreforyou?IfIshouldtellherthatIloveher,whatwouldhappen?Perhapsshewouldforbidmethepleasureofseeingher.WouldI,inspeakingthewords,makeherhappierthansheisto-day?WouldIbehappiermyself?"

Iwasleaningonthepiano,andasIindulgedinthesereflectionssadnesstookpossessionofme.Nightwascomingonandshelightedacandle;whilereturningtoherseatshenoticedatearinmyeye.

"Whatisthematter?"sheasked.

Iturnedasidemyhead.

Isoughtanexcuse,butcouldfindnone;Iwasafraidtomeetherglance.Iaroseandsteppedtothewindow.Theairwasbalmy,themoonwasrisingbeyondthoselindenswhereIhadfirstmether.Ifellinto

aprofoundrevery;Ievenforgotthatshewaspresentand,extendingmyarmstowardheaven,asobwelledupfrommyheart.

Shearoseandstoodbehindme.

"Whatisit?"sheagainasked.

Irepliedthatthesightofthatvalleystretchingoutbeneathushadrecalledmyfather'sdeath;Itookleaveofherandwentout.

WhyIdecidedtosilencemyloveIcannotsay.Nevertheless,insteadofreturninghome,Ibegantowanderaboutthewoodslikeafool.WheneverIfoundabenchIsatdownonlytoriseprecipitately.Towardmidnight

IapproachedMadamePierson'shouse;shewasatthewindow.SeeingherthereIbegantotrembleandtriedtoretracemysteps,butIwasfascinated;Iadvancedgentlyandsadlyandsatdownbeneathherwindow.

Idonotknowwhethersherecognizedme;IhadbeentheresometimewhenIheardhersweet,freshvoicesingingtherefrainofaromance,andatthesameinstantaflowerfellonmyshoulder.Itwasaroseshehadwornthateveningonherbosom;Ipickeditupandpressedittomylips.

"Whoisthereatthishour?Isityou?"

Shecalledmebyname.Thegateleadingintothegardenwasopen;I

arosewithoutreplyingandenteredit,Istoppedbeforeaplotofgrassinthecentreofthegarden;Iwaswalkinglikeasomnambulist,withoutknowingwhatIwasdoing.

SuddenlyIsawheratthedooropeningintothegarden;sheseemedtobeundecidedandlookedattentivelyattheraysofthemoon.ShemadeafewstepstowardmeandIadvancedtomeether.Icouldnotspeak,Ifellonmykneesbeforeherandseizedherhand.

"Listentome,"shesaid;"Iknowall;butifithascometothat,

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Octave,youmustgoaway.Youcomehereeverydayandyouarealwayswelcome,areyounot?Isnotthatenough?WhatmorecanIdoforyou?Myfriendshipyouhavewon;Iwishyouhadbeenabletokeepyoursalittlelonger."

WhenMadamePiersonhadspokenthesewordsshewaitedinsilenceasthoughexpectingareply.AsIremainedoverwhelmedwithsadness,shegentlywithdrewherhand,steppedback,waitedamomentlongerandthenreenteredthehouse.

Iremainedkneelingonthegrass.Ihadbeenexpectingwhatshesaid;myresolutionwassoontaken,andIdecidedtogoaway.Iarose,myheartbleedingbutfirm.Ilookedatthehouse,atherwindow;Iopenedthegarden-gateandplacedmylipsonthelockasIpassedout.

WhenIreachedhomeItoldLarivetomakewhatpreparationswerenecessary,asIwouldsetoutinthemorning.Thepoorfellowwasastonished,butImadehimasigntoobeyandasknoquestions.Hebroughtalargetrunkandbusiedhimselfwithpreparationsfordeparture.

Itwasfiveo'clockinthemorninganddaywasbeginningtobreakwhenIaskedmyselfwhereIwasgoing.Atthatthought,whichhadnotoccurredtomebefore,Iexperiencedaprofoundfeelingofdiscouragement.Icast

myeyesoverthecountry,scanningthehorizon.Asenseofweaknesstookpossessionofme;Iwasexhaustedwithfatigue.Isatdowninachairandmyideasbecameconfused;Iboremyhandtomyforeheadandfounditbathedinsweat.Aviolentfevermademylimbstremble;IcouldhardlyreachmybedwithLarive'sassistance.MythoughtsweresoconfusedthatIhadnorecollectionofwhathadhappened.Thedaypassed;towardeveningIheardthesoundofinstruments.ItwastheSundaydance,andIaskedLarivetogoandseeifMadamePiersonwasthere.Hedidnotfindher;Isenthimtoherhouse.Theblindswereclosed,andaservantinformedhimthatMadamePiersonandheraunthadgonetospendsomedayswitharelativewholivedatN------,asmalltownsomedistancenorth.Hehandedmealetterthathadbeengivenhim.Itwascouchedinthefollowingterms:

"Ihaveknownyouthreemonths,andforonemonthhavenoticedthatyoufeelformewhatatyourageiscalledlove.IthoughtIdetectedonyourpartaresolutiontoconcealthisfrommeandconqueryourself.Ialreadyesteemedyou,thisenhancedmyrespect.Idonotreproachyouforthepast,norfortheweaknessofyourwill.

"Whatyoutakeforloveisnothingmorethandesire.Iamwellawarethatmanywomenseektoarouseit;itwouldbebetteriftheydidnotfeelthenecessityofpleasingthosewhoapproachthem.Suchafeelingisadangerousthing,andIhavedonewronginentertainingitwithyou.

"Iamsomeyearsolderthanyou,andaskyounottotrytoseemeagain.Itwouldbevainforyoutotrytoforgettheweaknessofamoment;whathaspassedbetweenuscanneitherberepeatednorforgotten.

"Idonottakeleaveofyouwithoutsorrow;Iexpecttobeabsentsometime;if,whenIreturn,Ifindthatyouhavegoneaway,Ishallappreciateyouractionasthefinalevidenceofyourfriendshipandesteem.

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"BRIGITTEPIERSON."

CHAPTERV.ANINTERVIEW

Thefeverkeptmeinbedaweek.WhenIwasabletowriteIassuredMadamePiersonthatsheshouldbeobeyed,andthatIwouldgoaway.Iwroteingoodfaith,withoutanyintentiontodeceive,butIwasveryfarfromkeepingmypromise.BeforeIhadgonetenleaguesIorderedthedrivertostop,andsteppedoutofthecarriage.Ibegantowalkalongtheroad.Icouldnotresistthetemptationtolookbackatthevillagewhichwasstillvisibleinthedistance.Finally,afteraperiodoffrightfulirresolution,Ifeltthatitwasimpossibleformetocontinueonmyroute,andratherthangetintothecarriageagain,Iwouldhavediedonthespot.Itoldthedrivertoturnaround,and,insteadofgoingtoParisasIhadintended,ImadestraightforN------,whitherMadamePiersonhadgone.

Iarrivedatteninthenight.AssoonasIreachedtheinnIhadaboydirectmetothehouseofherrelatives,and,withoutreflectingwhatIwasdoing,atoncemademywaytothespot.Aservantopenedthedoor.

IaskedifMadamePiersonwasthere,anddirectedhimtotellherthatsomeonewishedtospeaktoheronthepartofM.Desprez.Thatwasthenameofourvillagecure.

WhiletheservantwasexecutingmyorderIremainedaloneinasombrelittlecourt;asitwasraining,Ienteredthehallandstoodatthefootofthestairway,whichwasnotlighted.MadamePiersonsoonarrived,precedingtheservant;shedescendedrapidly,anddidnotseemeinthedarkness;Isteppeduptoherandtouchedherarm.Sherecoiledwithterrorandcriedout:

"Whatdoyouwishofme?"

Hervoicetrembledsopainfullyand,whentheservantappearedwithalight,herfacewassopale,thatIdidnotknowwhattothink.Wasitpossiblethatmyunexpectedappearancecoulddisturbherinsuchamanner?Thatreflectionoccurredtome,butIdecidedthatitwasmerelyafeelingoffrightnaturaltoawomanwhoissuddenlytouched.

Nevertheless,sherepeatedherquestioninafirmertone.

"Youmustpermitmetoseeyouoncemore,"Ireplied."Iwillgoaway,Iwillleavethecountry.Youshallbeobeyed,Iswearit,andthatbeyondyourrealdesire,forIwillsellmyfather'shouseandgoabroad;butthatisonlyonconditionthatIampermittedtoseeyouoncemore;otherwiseIremain;youneedfearnothingfromme,butIamresolvedon

that."

Shefrownedandcasthereyesaboutherinastrangemanner;thenshereplied,almostgraciously:

"Cometo-morrowduringthedayandIwillseeyou."Thensheleftme.

ThenextdayatnoonIpresentedmyself.Iwasintroducedintoaroomwitholdhangingsandantiquefurniture.Ifoundheralone,seatedonasofa.Isatdownbeforeher.

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"Madame,"Ibegan,"IcomeneithertospeakofwhatIsuffer,nortodenythatIloveyou.Youhavewrittenmethatwhathaspassedbetweenuscannotbeforgotten,andthatistrue;butyousaythatonthataccountwecannotmeetonthesamefootingasheretofore,andyouaremistaken.Iloveyou,butIhavenotoffendedyou;nothingischangedinourrelationssinceyoudonotloveme.IfIampermittedtoseeyou,responsibilityrestswithme,andasfarasyourresponsibilityisconcerned,myloveforyoushouldbesufficientguarantee."

Shetriedtointerruptme.

"KindlyallowmetofinishwhatIhavetosay.NooneknowsbetterthanIthatinspiteoftherespectIfeelforyou,andinspiteofalltheprotestationsbywhichImightbindmyself,loveisthestronger.IrepeatIdonotintendtodenywhatisinmyheart;butyoudonotlearnofthatloveto-dayforthefirsttime,andIaskyouwhathaspreventedmefromdeclaringituptothepresenttime?Thefearoflosingyou;IwasafraidIwouldnotbepermittedtoseeyou,andthatiswhathashappened.MakeaconditionthatthefirstwordIshallspeak,thefirstthoughtorgesturethatshallseemtobeinconsistentwiththemostprofoundrespect,shallbethesignalfortheclosingofyourdoor;asIhavebeensilentinthepast,Iwillbesilentinthefuture,YouthinkthatIhavelovedyouforamonth,wheninfactIhavelovedyoufrom

thefirstdayImetyou.Whenyoudiscoveredit,youdidnotrefusetoseemeonthataccount.Ifyouhadatthattimeenoughesteemformetobelievemeincapableofoffendingyou,whyhaveyoulostthatesteem?

"ThatiswhatIhavecometoaskyou.WhathaveIdone?Ihavebentmyknee,butIhavenotsaidaword.WhathaveItoldyou?Whatyoualreadyknew.IhavebeenweakbecauseIhavesuffered.Itistrue,Madame,thatIamtwentyyearsofageandwhatIhaveseenoflifehasonlydisgustedme(Icoulduseastrongerword);itistruethatthereisnotatthishouronearth,eitherinthesocietyofmenorinsolitude,aplace,howeversmallandinsignificant,thatIcaretooccupy.

"Thespaceenclosedwithinthefourwallsofyourgardenistheonly

spotintheworldwhereIlive;youaretheonlyhumanbeingwhohasmademeloveGod.IhadrenouncedeverythingbeforeIknewyou;whydeprivemeoftheonlyrayoflightthatProvidencehassparedme?Ifitisonaccountoffear,whathaveIdonetoinspireit?Ifitisonaccountofdislike,inwhatrespectamIculpable?IfitisonaccountofpityandbecauseIsuffer,youaremistakeninsupposingthatIcancuremyself;itmighthavebeendone,perhaps,twomonthsago;butIpreferredtoseeyouandtosuffer,andIdonotrepent,whatevermaycomeofit.Theonlymisfortunethatcanreachmeistoloseyou.Putmetotheproof.IfIeverfeelthatthereistoomuchsufferingformeinourbargainIwillgoaway;andyoumaybesureofit,sinceyousendmeawayto-day,andIamreadytogo.WhatriskdoyouruningivingmeamonthortwooftheonlyhappinessIshalleverknow?"

Iwaitedherreply.Shesuddenlyrosefromherseat,andthensatdownagain.Thenamomentofsilenceensued.

"Restassured,"shesaid,"itisnotso."

Ithoughtshewassearchingforwordsthatwouldnotappeartoosevere,andthatshewasanxioustoavoidhurtingme.

"Oneword,"Isaid,rising,"oneword,nothingmore.Iknowwhoyouare

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andifthereisanycompassionformeinyourheart,Ithankyou;speakbutoneword,thismomentdecidesmylife."

Sheshookherhead;Isawthatshewashesitating.

"YouthinkIcanbecured?"Icried."MayGodgrantyouthatsolaceifyousendmeaway--"

Ilookedoutofthewindowatthehorizon,andfeltinmysoulsuchafrightfulsensationoflonelinessattheideaofgoingawaythatmybloodfrozeinmyveins.Shesawmestandingbeforeher,myeyesfixedonher,awaitingherreply;allmylifewashanginginsuspenseuponherlips.

"Verywell,"shesaid,"listentome.Thismoveofyoursincomingtoseemewasanactofgreatimprudence;however,itisnotnecessarytoassumethatyouhavecomeheretoseeme;acceptacommissionthatIwillgiveyouforafriendofmyfamily.Ifyoufindthatitisalittlefar,letitbetheoccasionofanabsencewhichshalllastaslongasyouchoose,butwhichmustnotbetooshort.Althoughyousaidamomentago,"sheaddedwithasmile,"thatashorttripwouldcalmyou.YouwillstopintheVosgesandyouwillgoasfarasStrasburg.Theninamonth,or,better,intwomonths,youwillreturnandreporttome;Iwillseeyouagainandgiveyoufurtherinstructions."

CHAPTERVI.THERUGGEDPATHOFLOVE

ThateveningIreceivedfromMadamePiersonaletteraddressedtoM.R.D.,atStrasburg.ThreeweekslatermymissionhadbeenaccomplishedandIreturned.DuringmyabsenceIhadthoughtofnothingbuther,andIdespairedofeverforgettingher.NeverthelessIdeterminedtorestrainmyfeelingsinherpresence;Ihadsufferedtoocruellyattheprospectoflosinghertorunanyfurtherrisks.Myesteemforherrendereditimpossibleformetosuspecthersincerity,andIdidnotsee,in

herplanofgettingmetoleavethecountry,anythingthatresembledhypocrisy.Inaword,Iwasfirmlyconvincedthatatthefirstwordofloveherdoorwouldbeclosedtome.UponmyreturnIfoundherthinandchanged.Herhabitualsmileseemedtolanguishonherdiscoloredlips.Shetoldmethatshehadbeensuffering.Wedidnotspeakofthepast.Shedidnotappeartowishtorecallit,andIhadnodesiretorefertoit.Weresumedouroldrelationsofneighbors;yettherewassomethingofconstraintbetweenus,asortofconventionalfamiliarity.Itwasasifwehadagreed:"Itwasthusbefore,letitstillbethus."Shegrantedmeherconfidence,aconcessionthatwasnotwithoutitscharmsforme;butourconversationwascolder,forthereasonthatoureyesexpressedasmuchasourtongues.Inallthatwesaidtherewasmoretobesurmisedthanwasactuallyspoken.Wenolongerendeavoredtofathom

eachother'sminds;therewasnotthesameinterestattachingtoeachword,toeachsentiment;thatcuriousanalysisthatcharacterizedourpastintercourse;shetreatedmewithkindness,butIdistrustedeventhatkindness;Iwalkedwithherinthegarden,butnolongeraccompaniedheroutsideofthepremises;wenolongerwanderedthroughthewoodsandvalleys;sheopenedthepianowhenwewerealone;thesoundofhervoicenolongerawakenedinmyheartthosetransportsofjoywhicharelikesobsthatareinspiredbyhope.WhenItookleaveofher,shegavemeherhand,butIwasconsciousofthefactthatitwaslifeless;therewasmucheffortinourfamiliarease,manyreflections

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inourlightestremarks,muchsadnessatthebottomofitall.Wefeltthattherewasathirdpartybetweenus:itwasmyloveforher.Myactionsneverbetrayedit,butitappearedinmyface.Ilostmycheerfulness,myenergy,andthecolorofhealththatonceshoneinmycheeks.AttheendofonemonthInolongerresembledmyoldself.AndyetinallourconversationsIinsistedonmydisgustwiththeworld,onmyaversiontoreturningtoit.ItriedtomakeMadamePiersonfeelthatshehadnoreasontoreproachherselfforallowingmetoseeher;Idepictedmypastlifeinthemostsombrecolors,andgavehertounderstandthatifsheshouldrefusetoallowmetoseeher,shewouldcondemnmetoalonelinessworsethandeath.ItoldherthatIheldsocietyinabhorrenceandthestoryofmylife,asIrecitedit,provedmysincerity.SoIaffectedacheerfulnessthatIwasfarfromfeeling,inordertoshowherthatinpermittingmetoseeher,shehadsavedmefromthemostfrightfulmisfortune;IthankedheralmosteverytimeIwenttoseeher,thatImightreturnintheeveningorthefollowingmorning."Allmydreamsofhappiness,"saidI,"allmyhopes,allmyambitions,areenclosedinthelittlecorneroftheearthwhereyoudwell;outsideoftheairthatyoubreathethereisnolifeforme."

ShesawthatIwassufferingandcouldnothelppityingme.Mycouragewaspathetic,andhereverywordandgestureshedasortoftenderlightovermydevotion.Shesawthestrugglethatwasgoingoninme;myobedienceflatteredherpride,whilemypallorawakenedhercharitable

instinct.Attimessheappearedtobeirritated,almostcoquettish;shewouldsayinatonethatwasalmostrebellious:"Ishallnotbehereto-morrow,donotcomeonsuchandsuchaday."Then,asIwasgoingawaysad,butresigned,shesweetenedthecupofbitternessbyadding:"Iamnotsureofit,comewheneveryouplease;"orheradieuwasmorefriendlythanusual,herglancemoretender.

"RestassuredthatProvidencehasledmetoyou,"Isaid."IfIhadnotmetyou,ImighthaverelapsedintotheirregularlifeIwasleadingbeforeIknewyou.

"Godhassentyouasanangeloflighttodrawmefromtheabyss.Hehasconfidedasacredmissiontoyou;whoknows,ifIshouldloseyou,

whitherthesorrowthatconsumesmemightleadme,becauseofthesadexperienceIhavebeenthrough,theterriblecombatbetweenmyyouthandmyennui?"

Thatthought,sincereenoughonmypart,hadgreatweightwithawomanofloftydevotionwhosesoulwasaspiousasitwasardent.ItwasprobablytheonlyconsiderationthatinducedMadamePiersontopermitmetoseeher.

Iwaspreparingtovisitheronedaywhensomeoneknockedatmydoor,andIsawMercansonenter,thatpriestIhadmetinthegardenontheoccasionofmyfirstvisit.Hebegantomakeexcusesthatwereastiresomeashimselfforpresumingtocallonmewithouthavingmademy

acquaintance;ItoldhimthatIknewhimverywellasthenephewofourcure,andaskedwhatIcoulddoforhim.

Heturneduneasilyfromonesidetotheotherwithanairofconstraint,searchingforphrasesandfingeringeverythingonthetablebeforehimasifatalosswhattosay.FinallyheinformedmethatMadamePiersonwasillandthatshehadsentwordtomebyhimthatshewouldnotbeabletoseemethatday.

"Issheill?Why,Ileftherlateyesterdayafternoon,andshewasvery

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wellatthattime!"

Hebowed.

"But,"Icontinued,"ifsheisillwhysendwordtomebyathirdperson?Shedoesnotlivesofarawaythatauselesscallwouldharmme."

ThesameresponsefromMercanson.Icouldnotunderstandwhatthispeculiarmannersignified,muchlesswhyshehadentrustedhermissiontohim.

"Verywell,"Isaid,"Ishallseeherto-morrowandshewillexplainwhatthismeans."

Hishesitationcontinued.

"MadamePiersonhasalsotoldme--thatIshouldinformyou--infact,Iamrequestedto--"

"Well,whatisit?"Icried,impatiently.

"Sir,youarebecomingviolent!IthinkMadamePiersonisseriouslyill;shewillnotbeabletoseeyouthisweek."

Anotherbow,andheretired.

Itwasclearthathisvisitconcealedsomemystery:eitherMadamePiersondidnotwishtoseeme,andIcouldnotexplainwhy;orMercansonhadinterferedonhisownresponsibility.

Iwaiteduntilthefollowingdayandthenpresentedmyselfatherdoor;theservantwhometmesaidthathermistresswasindeedveryillandcouldnotseeme;sherefusedtoacceptthemoneyIofferedher,andwouldnotanswermyquestions.

AsIwaspassingthroughthevillageonmyreturn,IsawMercanson;

hewassurroundedbyanumberofschoolchildren,hisuncle'spupils.IstoppedhiminthemidstofhisharangueandaskedifIcouldhaveawordwithhim.

Hefollowedmeaside;butnowitwasmyturntohesitate,forIwasatalosshowtoproceedtodrawhissecretfromhim.

"Sir,"Ifinallysaid,"willyoukindlyinformmeifwhatyoutoldmeyesterdaywasthetruth,orwastheresomemotivebehindit?Moreover,asthereisnotaphysicianintheneighborhoodwhocanbecalledin,incaseofnecessity,itisimportantthatIshouldknowwhetherherconditionisserious."

HeprotestedthatMadamePiersonwasill,butthatheknewnothingmore,exceptthatshehadsentforhimandaskedhimtonotifymeashehaddone.Whiletalkingwehadwalkeddowntheroadsomedistanceandhadnowreachedadesertedspot.Seeingthatneitherstrategynorentreatywouldservemypurpose,Isuddenlyturnedandseizedhimbythearms.

"Whatdoesthismean,Monsieur?Youintendtoresorttoviolence?"hecried.

"No,butIintendtomakeyoutellmewhatyouknow."

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"Monsieur,Iamafraidofnoone,andIhavetoldyouwhatyououghttoknow."

"YouhavetoldmewhatyouthinkIoughttoknow,butnotwhatyouknow.MadamePiersonisnotsick;Iamsureofit."

"Howdoyouknow?"

"Theservanttoldmeso.Whyhassheclosedherdooragainstme,andwhydidshesendyoutotellmeofit?"

Mercansonsawapeasantpassing.

"Pierre!"hecried,callinghimbyname,"waitamoment,Iwishtospeakwithyou."

Thepeasantapproached;thatwasallhewanted,thinkingIwouldnotdareuseviolenceinthepresenceofathirdperson.Ireleasedhim,butsoroughlythathestaggeredbackandfellagainstatree.Heclenchedhisfistandturnedawaywithoutaword.

ForthreeweeksIsufferedterribly.ThreetimesadayIcalledatMadamePierson'sandeachtimewasrefusedadmittance.Ireceivedone

letterfromher;shesaidthatmyassiduitywascausingtalkinthevillage,andbeggedmetocalllessfrequently.NotawordaboutMercansonorherillness.

Thisprecautiononherpartwassounnatural,andcontrastedsostronglywithherformerproudindifferenceinmattersofthiskind,thatatfirstIcouldhardlybelieveit.Notknowingwhatelsetosay,Irepliedthattherewasnodesireinmyheartbutobediencetoherwishes.Butinspiteofme,thewordsIuseddidnotconcealthebitternessIfelt.

Ipurposelydelayedgoingtoseeherevenwhenpermittedtodoso,andnolongersenttoinquireabouthercondition,asIwishedtohaveherknowthatIdidnotbelieveinherillness.Ididnotknowwhyshe

keptmeatadistance;butIwassomiserablyunhappythat,attimes,Ithoughtseriouslyofputtinganendtoalifethathadbecomeinsupportable.Iwasaccustomedtospendentiredaysinthewoods,andonedayIhappenedtoencounterherthere.

Ihardlyhadthecouragetoaskforanexplanation;shedidnotreplyfrankly,andIdidnotrecurtothesubject;IcouldonlycountthedaysIwasobligedtopasswithoutseeingher,andliveinthehopeofavisit.AllthetimeIwassorelytemptedtothrowmyselfatherfeet,andtellherofmydespair.Iknewthatshewouldnotbeinsensibletoit,andthatshewouldatleastexpressherpity;butherseverityandtheabruptmannerofherdeparturerecalledmetomysenses;ItrembledlestIshouldloseher,andIwouldratherdiethanexposemyselfto

thatdanger.

Thusdeniedthesolaceofconfessingmysorrow,myhealthbegantogiveway.Myfeetlaggedonthewaytoherhouse;IfeltthatIwasexhaustingthesourceoftears,andeachvisitcostmeaddedsorrow;IwastornwiththethoughtthatIoughtnottoseeher.

Onherparttherewasneitherthesametonenorthesameeaseasofold;shespokeofgoingawayonatour;shepretendedtoconfesstomeherlongingtogetaway,leavingmemoredeadthanaliveafterhercruel

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words.Ifsurprisedbyanaturalimpulseofsympathy,sheimmediatelycheckedherselfandrelapsedintoheraccustomedcoldness.UpononeoccasionIcouldnotrestrainmytears.Isawherturnpale.AsIwasgoing,shesaidtomeatthedoor:

"To-morrowIamgoingtoSainte-Luce(aneighboringvillage),anditistoofartogoonfoot.Beherewithyourhorseearlyinthemorning,ifyouhavenothingtodo,andgowithme."

Iwasonhandpromptly,asmayreadilybeimagined.Ihadsleptoverthatwordwithtransportsofjoy;but,uponleavingmyhouse,Iexperiencedafeelingofdeepdejection.InrestoringmetotheprivilegeIhadformerlyenjoyedofaccompanyingheronhermissionsaboutthecountry,shehadclearlybeenguiltyofacruelcapriceifshedidnotloveme.SheknewhowIwassuffering;whyabusemycourageunlessshehadchangedhermind?

Thisreflectionhadastrangeinfluenceonme.WhenshemountedherhorsemyheartbeatviolentlyasItookherfoot;Idonotknowwhetheritwasfromdesireoranger."Ifsheistouched,"Isaidtomyself,"whythisreserve?Ifsheisacoquette,whysomuchliberty?"

Sucharemen.Atmyfirstwordshesawthatachangehadtakenplaceinme.Ididnotspeaktoher,butkepttotheothersideoftheroad.When

wereachedthevalleysheappearedatease,andonlyturnedherheadfromtimetotimetoseeifIwasfollowingher;butwhenwecametotheforestandourhorses'hoofsresoundedagainsttherocksthatlinedtheroad,Isawthatshewastrembling.Shestoppedasthoughtowaitforme,asIwassomedistanceintherear;whenIhadovertakenhershesetoutatagallop.Wesoonreachedthefootofthemountainandwerecompelledtoslackenourpace.Ithenmademywaytoherside;ourheadswerebowed;thetimehadcome,Itookherhand.

"Brigitte,"Isaid,"areyouwearyofmycomplaints?SinceIhavebeenreinstatedinyourfavor,sinceIhavebeenallowedtoseeyoueverydayandeveryevening,IhaveaskedmyselfifIhavebeenimportunate.Duringthelasttwomonths,whilestrengthandhopehavebeenfailing

me,haveIsaidawordofthatfatallovewhichisconsumingme?Raiseyourheadandanswerme.DoyounotseethatIsufferandthatmynightsaregiventoweeping?Haveyounotmetintheforestanunfortunatewretchsittinginsolitarydejectionwithhishandspressedtohisforehead?Haveyounotseentearsonthesebushes?Lookatme,lookatthesemountains;doyourealizethatIloveyou?Theyknowit,theyaremywitnesses;theserocksandthesetreesknowmysecret.Whyleadmebeforethem?AmInotwretchedenough?DoIfailincourage?HaveIobeyedyou?Towhattests,whattorturesamIsubjected,andforwhatcrime?Ifyoudonotloveme,whatareyoudoinghere?"

"Letusreturn,"shesaid,"letusretraceoursteps."

Iseizedherhorse'sbridle.

"No,"Ireplied,"forIhavespoken.Ifwereturn,Iloseyou,Irealizeit;Iknowinadvancewhatyouwillsay.Youhavebeenpleasedtotrymypatience,youhavesetmysorrowatdefiance,perhapsthatyoumighthavetherighttodrivemefromyourpresence;youhavebecometiredofthatsorrowfulloverwhosufferedwithoutcomplaintandwhodrankwithresignationthebitterchaliceofyourdisdain!Youknewthat,alonewithyouinthepresenceofthesetrees,inthemidstofthissolitudewheremylovehaditsbirth,Icouldnotbesilent!Youwishto

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beoffended.Verywell,Madame,Iloseyou!IhaveweptandIhavesuffered,Ihavetoolongnourishedinmyheartapitilesslovethatdevoursme.Youhavebeencruel!"

Asshewasabouttoleapfromhersaddle,Iseizedherinmyarmsandpressedmylipstohers.Sheturnedpale,hereyesclosed,herbridleslippedfromherhandandshefelltotheground.

"Godbepraised!"Icried,"shelovesme!"Shehadreturnedmykiss.

Ileapedtothegroundandhastenedtoherside.Shewasextendedontheground.Iraisedher,sheopenedhereyes,andshudderedwithterror;shepushedmyarmaside,andburstintotears.

Istoodneartheroadside;Ilookedatherassheleanedagainstatree,asbeautifulastheday,herlonghairfallingoverhershoulders,herhandstwitchingandtrembling,hercheekssuffusedwithcrimson,whereonshonepearlytears.

"Donotcomenearme!"shecried,"notastep!"

"Oh,mylove!"Isaid,"fearnothing;ifIhaveoffendedyou,youknowhowtopunishme.IwasangryandIgavewaytomygrief;treatmeasyouchoose;youmaygoawaynow,youmaysendmeaway!Iknowthatyou

loveme,Brigitte,andyouaresaferherethanakinginhispalace."

AsIspokethesewords,MadamePiersonfixedherhumideyesonmine;Isawthehappinessofmylifecometomeintheflashofthoseorbs.Icrossedtheroadandkneltbeforeher.Howlittleheloveswhocanrecallthewordsheuseswhenheconfessesthatlove!

CHAPTERVII.THEVENUSBERGAGAIN

IfIwereajewelerandhadinstockapearlnecklacethatIwishedto

giveafriend,itseemstomeIshouldtakegreatpleasureinplacingitaboutherneckwithmyownhands;butwereIthatfriend,Iwouldratherdiethansnatchthenecklacefromthejeweler'shand.Ihaveseenmanymenhastentogivethemselvestothewomantheylove,butIhavealwaysdonethecontrary,notthroughcalculation,butthroughnaturalinstinct.Thewomanwholovesalittleandresistsdoesnotloveenough,andshewholovesenoughandresistsknowsthatsheisnotsincerelyloved.

MadamePiersongaveevidenceofmoreconfidenceinme,confessingthatshelovedmewhenshehadnevershownitinheractions.TherespectIfeltforherinspiredmewithsuchjoythatherfacelookedtomelikeabuddingrose.Attimesshewouldabandonherselftoanimpulseofsudden

gayety,thenshewouldsuddenlycheckherself;treatingmelikeachild,andthenlookatmewitheyesfilledwithtears;indulginginathousandpleasantriesasapretextforamorefamiliarwordorcaress,shewouldsuddenlyleaveme,goasideandabandonherselftorevery.Waseveramorebeautifulsight?WhenshereturnedshewouldfindmewaitingforherinthesamespotwhereIhadremainedwatchingher.

"Oh!myfriend!"Isaid,"Heavenitselfrejoicestoseehowyouareloved."

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YetIcouldconcealneithertheviolenceofmydesiresnorthepainIenduredstrugglingagainstthem.OneeveningItoldherthatIhadjustlearnedofthelossofanimportantcase,whichwouldinvolveaconsiderablechangeinmyaffairs.

"Howisit,"sheasked,"thatyoumakethisannouncementandsmileatthesametime?"

"ThereisacertainmaximofaPersianpoet,"Ireplied:"'Hewhoislovedbyabeautifulwomanisshelteredfromeveryblow.'"

MadamePiersonmadenoreply;allthateveningshewasevenmorecheerfulthanusual.WhenweplayedcardswithherauntandIlostshewasmercilessinherscorn,sayingthatIknewnothingofthegame,andshebetagainstmewithsomuchsuccessthatshewonallIhadinmypurse.Whentheoldladyretired,shesteppedoutonthebalconyandIfollowedherinsilence.

Thenightwasbeautiful;themoonwassettingandthestarsshonebrightlyinafieldofdeepazure.Notabreathofwindstirredthetrees;theairwaswarmandfreightedwiththeperfumeofspring.

Shewasleaningonherelbow,hereyesintheheavens;Ileanedoverherandwatchedherasshedreamed.ThenIraisedmyowneyes;avoluptuous

melancholyseizedusboth.Webreathedtogetherthewarmperfumewaftedtousfromthegarden;wefollowed,initslingeringcourse,thepalelightofthemoonwhichglintedthroughthechestnut-trees.IthoughtofacertaindaywhenIhadlookedupatthebroadexpanseofheavenwithdespair;Itrembledattherecollectionofthathour;lifewassorichnow!Ifeltahymnofpraisewellingupinmyheart.AroundtheformofmydearmistressIslippedmyarm;shegentlyturnedherhead;hereyeswerebathedintears.Herbodyyieldedasdoestherose,heropenlipsfellonmine,andtheuniversewasforgotten.

Eternalangelofhappynights,whoshallinterpretthysilence?Mysteriousvintagethatflowsfromlipsthatmeetasfromastainlesschalice!Intoxicationofthesenses!O,supremestjoy!Yes,like

God,thouartimmortal!Sublimeexaltationofthecreature,universalcommunionofbeings,thricesacredpleasure,whathavetheysungwhohavecelebratedthypraise?Theyhavecalledtheetransitory,Othouwhodostcreate!Andtheyhavesaidthatthypassingbeamshaveilluminedtheirfugitivelife.Wordsthatareasfeebleasthedyingbreath!Wordsofasensualbrutewhoisastonishedthatheshouldliveforanhour,andwhomistakestheraysoftheeternallampforthesparkwhichisstruckfromtheflint!

Olove!thouprincipleoflife!Preciousflameoverwhichallnature,likeacarefulvestal,incessantlywatchesinthetempleofGod!Centreofall,bywhomallexists,thespiritofdestructionwoulditselfdie,blowingatthyflame!Iamnotastonishedthatthynameshouldbe

blasphemed,fortheydonotknowwhothouart,theywhothinktheyhaveseenthyfacebecausetheyhaveopenedtheireyes;andwhenthoufindestthytrueprophets,unitedonearthwithakiss,thouclosesttheireyeslesttheylookuponthefaceofperfectjoy.

Butyou,Orapturousdelights,languishingsmiles,andfirstcaressing,stammeringutteranceoflove,youwhocanbeseen,whoareyou?AreyoulessinGod'ssightthanalltherest,beautifulcherubimwhosoarinthealcoveandwhobringtothisworldmanawakenedfromthedreamdivine!Ah!dearchildrenofpleasure,howyourmotherlovesyou!It

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isyou,curiousprattlers,whobeholdthefirstmysteries,touches,tremblingyetchaste,glancesthatarealreadyinsatiable,whobegintotraceontheheart,asatentativesketch,theineffaceableimageofcherishedbeauty!Oroyalty!Oconquest!Itisyouwhomakelovers.Andthou,truediadem,serenityofhappiness!Thefirsttrueconceptofman'slife,andfirstreturnofhappinessinthemanylittlethingsoflifewhichareseenonlythroughthemediumofjoy,firststepsmadebynatureinthedirectionofthewell-beloved!Whowillpaintyou?Whathumanwordwilleverexpressthyslightestcaress?

Hewho,inthefreshnessofyouth,hastakenleaveofanadoredmistress;hewhohaswalkedthroughthestreetswithouthearingthevoicesofthosewhospeaktohim;hewhohassatinalonelyspot,laughingandweepingwithoutknowingwhy;hewhohasplacedhishandstohisfaceinordertobreathetheperfumethatstillclingstothem;hewhohassuddenlyforgottenwhathehadbeendoingonearth;hewhohasspokentothetreesalongtherouteandtothebirdsintheirflight;finally,hewho,inthemidstofmen,hasactedthemadman,andthenhasfallenonhiskneesandthankedGodforit;lethimdiewithoutcomplaint:hehasknownthejoyoflove.

PARTIV

CHAPTERI.THETHORNSOFLOVE

Ihavenowtorecountwhathappenedtomylove,andthechangethattookplaceinme.WhatreasoncanIgiveforit?None,exceptasIrepeatthestoryandasIsay:"Itisthetruth."Fortwodays,neithermorenorless,IwasMadamePierson'slover.OnefinenightIsetoutandtraversedtheroadthatledtoherhouse.IwasfeelingsowellinbodyandsoulthatIleapedforjoyandextendedmyarmstoheaven.Ifound

heratthetopofthestairwayleaningontherailing,alightedcandlebesideher.Shewaswaitingforme,andwhenshesawmerantomeetme.

Sheshowedmehowshehadchangedhercoiffurewhichhaddispleasedme,andtoldmehowshehadpassedthedayarrangingherhairtosuitmytaste;howshehadtakendownavillainousblackpicture-framethathadoffendedmyeye;howshehadrenewedtheflowers;sherecountedallshehaddonesinceshehadknownme,howshehadseenmesufferandhowshehadsufferedherself;howshehadthoughtofleavingthecountry,offleeingfromherlove;howshehademployedeveryprecautionagainstme;howshehadsoughtadvicefromheraunt,fromMercansonandfromthecure;howshehadvowedtoherselfthatshewoulddieratherthanyield,andhowallthathadbeendissipatedbyasinglewordofmine,aglance,

anincident;andwitheveryconfessionakiss.

ShesaidthatwhateverIsawinherroomthatpleasedmytaste,whateverbagatelleonhertableattractedmyattention,shewouldgiveme;thatwhatevershedidinthefuture,inthemorning,intheevening,atanyhour,IshouldregulateasIpleased;thatthejudgmentsoftheworlddidnotconcernher;thatifshehadappearedtocareforthem,itwasonlytosendmeaway;butthatshewishedtobehappyandcloseherears,thatshewasthirtyyearsofageandhadnotlongtobelovedbyme."Andyouwilllovemealongtime?Arethosefinewords,withwhich

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youhavebeguiledme,true?"AndthenlovingreproachesbecauseIhadbeenlateincomingtoher;thatshehadputonherslippersinorderthatImightseeherfoot,butthatshewasnolongerbeautiful;thatshecouldwishshewere;thatshehadbeenatfifteen.Shewenthereandthere,sillywithlove,rosywithjoy;andshedidnotknowwhattoimagine,whattosayordo,inordertogiveherselfandallthatshehad.

Iwaslyingonthesofa;Ifelt,ateverywordshespoke,abadhourofmypastlifeslippingawayfromme.Iwatchedthestarofloverisinginmysky,anditseemedtomeIwaslikeatreefilledwithsapthatshakesoffitsdryleavesinordertoattireitselfinnewfoliage.ShesatdownatthepianoandtoldmeshewasgoingtoplayanairbyStradella.MorethanallelseIlovesacredmusic,andthatmorceauwhichshehadsungformeanumberoftimesgavemegreatpleasure.

"Yes,"shesaidwhenshehadfinished,"butyouareverymuchmistaken,theairismine,andIhavemadeyoubelieveitwasStradella's."

"Itisyours?"

"Yes,andItoldyouitwasbyStradellainordertoseewhatyouwouldsayofit.IneverplaymyownmusicwhenIhappentocomposeany;butIwantedtotryitwithyou,andyouseeithassucceededsinceyouwere

deceived."

Whatamonstrousmachineisman!Whatcouldbemoreinnocent?Abrightchildmighthaveadoptedthatrusetosurprisehisteacher.Shelaughedheartilythewhile,butIfeltastrangecoldnessasifadarkcloudhadsettledonme;mycountenancechanged:

"Whatisthematter?"sheasked."Areyouill?"

"Itisnothing;playthatairagain."

WhileshewasplayingIwalkedupanddowntheroom;Ipassedmyhandovermyforeheadasiftobrushawaythefog;Istampedmyfoot,

shruggedmyshouldersatmyownmadness;finallyIsatdownonacushionwhichhadfallentothefloor;shecametome.ThemoreIstruggledwiththespiritofdarknesswhichhadseizedme,thethickerthenightthatgatheredaroundmyhead.

"Verily,"Isaid,"youliesowell?What!thatairisyours?Isitpossibleyoucanliesofluently?"

Shelookedatmewithanairofastonishment.

"Whatisit?"sheasked.

Unspeakableanxietywasdepictedonherface.Surelyshecouldnot

believemefoolenoughtoreproachherforsuchaharmlessbitofpleasantry;shedidnotseeanythingseriousinthatsadnesswhichIfelt;butthemoretriflingthecause,thegreaterthesurprise.AtfirstshethoughtI,too,mustbejoking;butwhenshesawmegrowingpalereverymomentasifabouttofaint,shestoodwithopenlipsandbentbody,lookinglikeastatue.

"GodofHeaven!"shecried,"isitpossible?"

Yousmile,perhaps,reader,atthispage;Iwhowriteitstillshudder

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asIthinkofit.Misfortuneshavetheirsymptomsaswellasdiseases,andthereisnothingsoterribleatseaasalittleblackpointonthehorizon.

However,mydearBrigittedrewalittleroundtableintothecentreoftheroomandbroughtoutsomesupper.Shehadprepareditherself,andIdidnotdrinkadropthatwasnotfirstbornetoherlips.Thebluelightofday,piercingthroughthecurtains,illuminedhercharmingfaceandtendereyes;shewastiredandallowedherheadtofallonmyshoulderwithathousandtermsofendearment.

Icouldnotstruggleagainstsuchcharmingabandon,andmyheartexpandedwithjoy;IbelievedIhadridmyselfofthebaddreamthathadjusttormentedme,andIbeggedherpardonforgivingwaytoasuddenimpulsewhichImyselfdidnotunderstand.

"Myfriend,"Isaid,fromthebottomofmyheart,"IamverysorrythatIunjustlyreproachedyouforapieceofinnocentbadinage;butifyouloveme,neverlietome,eveninthesmallestmatter,foralieisanabominationtomeandIcannotendureit."

ItoldherIwouldremainuntilshewasasleep.IsawhercloseherbeautifuleyesandheardhermurmursomethinginhersleepasIbentoverandkissedheradieu.ThenIwentawaywithatranquilheart,

promisingmyselfthatIwouldhenceforthenjoymyhappinessandallownothingtodisturbit.

ButthenextdayBrigittesaidtome,asifquitebychance:

"IhavealargebookinwhichIhavewrittenmythoughts,everythingthathasoccurredtomymind,andIwantyoutoseewhatIsaidofyouthefirstdayImetyou."

Wereadtogetherwhatconcernedme,towhichweaddedahundredfoolishcomments,afterwhichIbegantoturntheleavesinamechanicalway.AphrasewrittenincapitalletterscaughtmyeyeononeofthepagesIwasturning;Idistinctlysawsomewordsthatwereinsignificantenough,

andIwasabouttoreadtherestwhenBrigittestoppedmeandsaid:

"Donotreadthat."

Ithrewthebookonthetable.

"Why,certainlynot,"Isaid,"IdidnotthinkwhatIwasdoing."

"Doyoustilltakethingsseriously?"sheasked,smiling,doubtlessseeingmymaladycomingonagain;"takethebook,Iwantyoutoreadit."

ThebooklayonthetablewithineasyreachandIdidnottakemyeyes

fromit.Iseemedtohearavoicewhisperinginmyear,andIthoughtIsaw,grimacingbeforeme,withhisglacialsmileanddryface,Desgenais."Whatareyoudoinghere,Desgenais?"IaskedasifIreallysawhim.Helookedashedidthatevening,whenheleanedovermytableandunfoldedtomehiscatechismofvice.

IkeptmyeyesonthebookandIfeltvaguelystirringinmymemorysomeforgottenwordsofthepast.Thespiritofdoubthangingovermyheadhadinjectedintomyveinsadropofpoison;thevapormountedtomyheadandIstaggeredlikeadrunkenman.WhatsecretwasBrigitte

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concealingfromme?IknewverywellthatIhadonlytobendoverandopenthebook;butatwhatplace?HowcouldIrecognizetheleafonwhichmyeyehadchancedtofall?

Mypride,moreover,wouldnotpermitmetotakethebook;wasitindeedpride?"OGod!"Isaidtomyselfwithafrightfulsenseofsadness,"isthepastaspectre?andcanitcomeoutofitstomb?Ah!wretchthatIam,canIneverlove?"

Allmyideasofcontemptforwomen,allthephrasesofmockingfatuitywhichIhadrepeatedasaschoolboyhislesson,suddenlycametomymind;andstrangetosay,whileformerlyIdidnotbelieveinmakingaparadeofthem,nowitseemedthattheywerereal,oratleastthattheyhadbeen.

IhadknownMadamePiersonfourmonths,butIknewnothingofherpastlifeandhadneverquestionedheraboutit.Ihadyieldedtomyloveforherwithconfidenceandwithoutreservation.Ifoundasortofpleasureintakingherjustasshewas,forjustwhatsheseemed,whilesuspicionandjealousyaresoforeigntomynaturethatIwasmoresurprisedatfeelingthemtowardBrigittethanshewasindiscoveringtheminme.NeverinmyfirstlovenorintheaffairsofdailylifehaveIbeendistrustful,butonthecontraryboldandfrank,suspectingnothing.IhadtoseemymistressbetraymebeforemyeyesbeforeIwouldbelieve

thatshecoulddeceiveme.Desgenaishimself,whilepreachingtomeafterhismanner,jokedmeabouttheeasewithwhichIcouldbeduped.ThestoryofmylifewasanincontestableproofthatIwascredulousratherthansuspicious;andwhenthewordsinthatbooksuddenlystruckme,itseemedtomeIfeltanewbeingwithinme,asortofunknownself;myreasonrevoltedagainstthefeeling,andIdidnotdareaskwhitherallthiswasleadingme.

ButthesufferingIhadendured,thememoryoftheperfidythatIhadwitnessed,thefrightfulcureIhadimposedonmyself,theopinionsofmyfriends,thecorruptlifeIhadled,thesadtruthsIhadlearned,aswellasthosethatIhadunconsciouslysurmisedduringmysadexperience,endingindebauchery,contemptoflove,abuseofeverything,

thatiswhatIhadinmyheartalthoughIdidnotsuspectit;andatthemomentwhenlifeandhopewereagainbeingbornwithinme,allthesefuriesthatwerebeingatrophiedbytimeseizedmebythethroatandcriedthattheywereyetalive.

Ibentoverandopenedthebook,thenimmediatelycloseditandthrewitonthetable.Brigittewaslookingatme;inherbeautifuleyeswasneitherwoundedpridenoranger;nothingbuttendersolicitude,asifIwereill.

"DoyouthinkIhavesecrets?"sheasked,embracingme.

"No,"Ireplied,"Iknownothingexceptthatyouarebeautifulandthat

Iwoulddielovingyou."

WhenIreturnedhometodinnerIsaidtoLarive:

"WhoisMadamePierson?"

Helookedatmeinastonishment.

"Youhavelivedheremanyyears,"Icontinued;"yououghttoknowbetterthanI.Whatdotheysayofherhere?Whatdotheythinkofherinthe

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village?WhatkindoflifedidsheleadbeforeIknewher?Whomdidshereceiveasherfriends?"

"Infaith,sir,Ihaveneverseenherdootherwisethanshedoeseveryday,thatistosay,walkinthevalley,playpicquetwithheraunt,andvisitthepoor.ThepeasantscallherBrigittelaRose;Ihaveneverheardawordagainstherexceptthatshegoesthroughthewoodsaloneatallhoursofthedayandnight;butthatiswhenengagedincharitablework.Sheistheministeringangelinthevalley.Asforthoseshereceives,thereareonlythecureandMonsieurdeDalensduringvacation."

"WhoisthisMonsieurdeDalens?"

"Heownsthechateauatthefootofthemountainontheotherside;heonlycomeshereforthechase."

"Isheyoung?"

"Yes."

"IsherelatedtoMadamePierson?"

"No,hewasafriendofherhusband."

"Hasherhusbandbeendeadlong?"

"FiveyearsonAll-Saints'day.Hewasaworthyman."

"AndhasthisMonsieurdeDalenspaidcourt?"

"Tothewidow?Infaith--totellthetruth--"hestopped,embarrassed.

"Well,willyouanswerme?"

"Somesaysoandsomedonot--Iknownothingandhaveseennothing."

"Andyoujusttoldmethattheydonottalkaboutherinthecountry?"

"Thatisalltheyhavesaid,andIsupposedyouknewthat."

"Inaword,yesorno?"

"Yes,sir,Ithinkso,atleast."

Iarosefromthetableandwalkeddowntheroad;Mercansonwasthere.Iexpectedhewouldtrytoavoidme;onthecontraryheapproachedme.

"Sir,"hesaid,"youexhibitedsignsofangerwhichitdoesnotbecomeamanofmycharactertoresent.IwishtoexpressmyregretthatIwas

chargedtocommunicateamessagewhichappearedsounwelcome."

Ireturnedhiscompliment,supposinghewouldleavemeatonce;buthewalkedalongatmyside.

"Dalens!Dalens!"Irepeatedbetweenmyteeth,"whowilltellmeaboutDalens?"ForLarivehadtoldmenothingexceptwhatavaletmightlearn.Fromwhomhadhelearnedit?Fromsomeservantorpeasant.ImusthavesomewitnesswhohadseenDalenswithMadamePiersonandwhoknewallabouttheirrelations.IcouldnotgetthatDalensoutofmyhead,and

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notbeingabletotalktoanyoneelse,IaskedMercansonabouthim.

IfMercansonwasnotabadman,hewaseitherafoolorveryshrewd,Ihaveneverknownwhich.Itiscertainthathehadreasontohatemeandthathetreatedmeasmeanlyaspossible.MadamePierson,whohadthegreatestfriendshipforthecure,hadalmostcometothinkequallywellofthenephew.Hewasproudofit,andconsequentlyjealous.Itisnotlovealonethatinspiresjealousy;afavor,akindword,asmilefromabeautifulmouth,mayarousesomepeopletojealousrage.

Mercansonappearedtobeastonished.Iwassomewhatastonishedmyself;butwhoknowshisownmind?

AthisfirstwordsIsawthatthepriestunderstoodwhatIwantedtoknowandhaddecidednottosatisfyme.

"HowdoesithappenthatyouhaveknownMadamePiersonsolongandsointimately(Ithinkso,atleast)andhavenotmetMonsieurdeDalens?But,doubtless,youhavesomereasonunknowntomeforinquiringabouthimto-day.AllIcansayisthatasfarasIknow,heisanhonestman,kindandcharitable;hewas,likeyou,veryintimatewithMadamePierson;heisfondofhuntingandentertainshandsomely.HeandMadamePiersonwereaccustomedtodevotemuchoftheirtimetomusic.Hepunctuallyattendedtohisworksofcharityand,when--inthecountry,

accompaniedthatladyonherrounds,justasyoudo.HisfamilyenjoysanexcellentreputationatParis;IusedtofindhimwithMadamePiersonwheneverIcalled;hismannerswereexcellent.Asfortherest,Ispeaktrulyandfrankly,asbecomesmewhenitconcernspersonsofhismerit.Ibelievethatheonlycomeshereforthechase;hewasafriendofherhusband;heissaidtoberichandverygenerous;butIknownothingaboutitexceptthat--"

Withwhattorturedphraseswasthisdulltormentorteasingme.Iwasashamedtolistentohim,yetnotdaringtoaskasinglequestionorinterrupthisvileinsinuations.Iwasaloneonthepromenade;thepoisonedarrowofsuspicionhadenteredmyheart.IdidnotknowwhetherIfeltmoreofangerorofsorrow.TheconfidencewithwhichIhad

abandonedmyselftomyloveforBrigittehadbeensosweetandsonaturalthatIcouldnotbringmyselftobelievethatsomuchhappinesshadbeenbuiltuponanillusion.Thatsentimentofcredulitywhichhadattractedmetoherseemedaproofthatshewasworthy.Wasitpossiblethatthesefourmonthsofhappinesswerebutadream?

Butafterall,Ithought,thatwomanhasyieldedtooeasily.Wastherenotdeceptioninthatpretendedanxietytohavemeleavethecountry?Isshenotjustlikealltherest?Yes,thatisthewaytheyalldo;theyattempttoescapeinordertoexperiencethehappinessofbeingpursued:itisthefeminineinstinct.Wasitnotshewhoconfessedherlovebyherownact,attheverymomentIhaddecidedthatshewouldneverbemine?DidshenotacceptmyarmthefirstdayImether?IfDalenshas

beenherlover,heprobablyisstill;thereisacertainsortofliaisonthathasneitherbeginningnorend;whenchanceordainsameeting,itisresumed;whenparted,itisforgotten.

Ifthatmancomesherethissummer,shewillprobablyseehimwithoutbreakingwithme.Whoisthisaunt,whatmysteriouslifeisthisthathascharityforitscloak,thislibertythatcaresnothingforopinion?Maytheynotbeadventurers,thesetwowomenwiththeirlittlehouse,theirprudence,andtheircaution,whichenablethemtoimposeonpeoplesoeasily?Assuredly,forallIknow,Ihavefallenintoanaffairof

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gallantrywhenIthoughtIwasengagedinaromance.ButwhatcanIdo?Thereisnooneherewhocanhelpmeexceptthepriest,whodoesnotcaretotellmewhatheknows,andhisuncle,whowillsaystillless.Whowillsaveme?HowcanIlearnthetruth?

Thusspokejealousy;thus,forgettingsomanytearsandallthatIhadsuffered,IhadcomeattheendoftwodaystoapointwhereIwastormentingmyselfwiththeideathatBrigittehadyieldedtooeasily.Thus,likeallwhodoubt,Ibrushedasidesentimentandreasontodisputewithfacts,toattachmyselftotheletteranddissectmylove.

WhileabsorbedinthesereflectionsIwasslowlyapproachingMadamePierson's.

Ifoundthegateopen,andasIenteredthegardenIsawalightinthekitchen.Ithoughtofquestioningtheservant,Isteppedtothewindow.

Afeelingofhorrorrootedmetothespot.Theservantwasanoldwoman,thinandwrinkledandbent,acommondeformityinpeoplewhohaveworkedinthefields.Ifoundhershakingacookingutensiloverafilthysink.Adirtycandleflutteredinhertremblinghand;aboutherwerepots,kettles,anddishes,theremainsofdinnerthatadogsniffedat,fromtimetotime,asthoughashamed;awarm,nauseatingodoremanatedfromthereekingwalls.Whentheoldwomancaughtsightofme,shesmiledin

aconfidentialway;shehadseenmetakeleaveofhermistress.

IshudderedasIthoughtwhatIhadcometoseekinaspotsowellsuitedtomyignoblepurpose.Ifledfromthatoldwomanasfromjealousypersonified,andasifthestenchofhercookinghadcomefrommyheart.

Brigittewasatthewindowwateringherwell-belovedflowers;achildofoneofherneighborswaslyinginacradleatherside,andshewasgentlyrockingthecradlewithherdisengagedhand;thechild'smouthwasfullofbonbons,andingurglingeloquenceitwasaddressinganincomprehensibleapostrophetoitsnurse.Isatdownnearherandkissedthechildonitsfatcheeks,asiftoimbibesomeofitsinnocence.

Brigitteaccordedmeatimidgreeting;shecouldseehertroubledimageinmyeyes.FormypartIavoidedherglance;themoreIadmiredherbeautyandherairofcandor,themoreIwasconvincedthatsuchawomanwaseitheranangeloramonsterofperfidy;IforcedmyselftorecalleachoneofMercanson'swords,andIconfronted,sotospeak,theman'sinsinuationswithherpresenceandherface."Sheisverybeautiful,"Isaidtomyself,"andverydangerousifsheknowshow,todeceive;butIwillfathomherandIwillsoundherheart;andsheshallknowwhoIam."

"Mydear,"Isaidafteralongsilence,"Ihavejustgivenapieceofadvicetoafriendwhoconsultedme.Heisanhonestyoungman,andhewritesmethatawomanheloveshasanotherlover.Heasksmewhathe

oughttodo."

"Whatreplydidyoumake?"

"Twoquestions:Isshepretty?Doyouloveher?Ifyouloveher,forgether;ifsheisprettyandyoudonotloveher,keepherforyourpleasure;therewillalwaysbetimetoquither,ifitismerelyamatterofbeauty,andoneisworthasmuchasanother."

Hearingmespeakthus,Brigitteputdownthechildshewasholdingand

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satdownattheotherendoftheroom.Therewasnolightintheroom;themoon,whichwasshiningonthespotwhereshehadbeenstanding,threwashadowoverthesofaonwhichshewasnowseated.ThewordsIhadutteredweresoheartless,socruel,thatIwasdazedmyself,andmyheartwasfilledwithbitterness.Thechildinitscradlebegantocry.Thenallthreeofusweresilentwhileacloudpassedoverthemoon.

Aservantenteredtheroomwithalightandcarriedthechildaway.Iarose,Brigittealso;butshesuddenlyplacedherhandonherheartandfelltothefloor.

Ihastenedtoherside;shehadnotlostconsciousnessandbeggedmenottocallanyone.Sheexplainedthatshewassubjecttoviolentpalpitationoftheheartandhadbeentroubledbyfaintingspellsfromheryouth;thattherewasnodangerandnoremedy.Ikneeledbesideher;shesweetlyopenedherarms;Iraisedherheadandplaceditonmyshoulder.

"Ah!myfriend,"shesaid,"Ipityyou."

"Listentome,"Iwhisperedinherear,"Iamawretchedfool,butIcankeepnothingonmyheart.WhoisthisMonsieurdeDalenswholivesonthemountainandcomestoseeyou?"

Sheappearedastonishedtohearmementionthatname.

"Dalens?"shereplied."Hewasmyhusband'sfriend."

Shelookedatmeasiftoinquire:"Whydoyouask?"Itseemedtomethatherfaceworeagrievedexpression.Ibitmylips."Ifshewantstodeceiveme,"Ithought,"Iwasfoolishtoquestionher."

Brigitterosewithdifficulty;shetookherfanandbegantowalkupanddowntheroom.

Shewasbreathinghard;Ihadwoundedher.Shewasabsorbedinthoughtandweexchangedtwoorthreeglancesthatwerealmostcold.Shestepped

toherdesk,openedit,drewoutapackageofletterstiedtogetherwitharibbon,andthrewitatmyfeetwithoutaword.

ButIwaslookingneitherathernorherletters;Ihadjustthrownastoneintotheabyssandwaslisteningtotheechoes.ForthefirsttimeoffendedpridewasdepictedonBrigitte'sface.Therewasnolongereitheranxietyorpityinhereyes,and,justasIhadcometofeelmyselfotherthanIhadeverbeen,soIsawinherawomanIdidnotknow.

"Readthat,"shesaid,finally.Isteppeduptoherandtookherhand.

"Readthat,readthat!"sherepeatedinfreezingtones.

Itooktheletters.AtthatmomentIfeltsopersuadedofherinnocencethatIwasseizedwithremorse.

"Youremindme,"shesaid,"thatIoweyouthestoryofmylife;sitdownandyoushalllearnit.Youwillopenthesedrawers,andyouwillreadallthatIhavewrittenandallthathasbeenwrittentome."

Shesatdownandmotionedmetoachair.Isawthatshefounditdifficulttospeak.Shewaspaleasdeath,hervoiceconstrained,her

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throatswollen.

"Brigitte!Brigitte!"Icried,"inthenameofheaven,donotspeak!GodismywitnessIwasnotbornsuchasyouseeme;duringmylifeIhavebeenneithersuspiciousnordistrustful.Ihavebeenundone,myhearthasbeensearedbythetreacheryofothers.Afrightfulexperiencehasledmetotheverybrinkoftheprecipice,andforayearIhaveseennothingbutevilherebelow.Godismywitnessthat,uptothisday,IdidnotbelievemyselfcapableofplayingtheignobleroleIhaveassumed,themeanestroleofall,thatofajealouslover.GodismywitnessthatIloveyouandthatyouaretheonlyoneintheworldwhocancuremeofthepast.

"Ihavehadtodo,uptothistime,withwomenwhodeceivedme,orwhowereunworthyoflove.Ihaveledthelifeofalibertine;Ibearonmyheartcertainmarksthatwillneverbeeffaced.Isitmyfaultifcalumny,andbasesuggestion,to-dayplantedinaheartwhosefibreswerestilltremblingwithpainandreadytoassimilateallthatresemblessorrow,havedrivenmetodespair?IhavejustheardthenameofamanIhavenevermet,ofwhoseexistenceIwasignorant;Ihavebeengiventounderstandthattherehasbeenbetweenyouandhimacertainintimacy,whichprovesnothing.Idonotintendtoquestionyou;Ihavesufferedfromit,Ihaveconfessedtoyou,andIhavedoneyouanirreparablewrong.Butratherthanconsenttowhatyoupropose,Iwill

throwitallinthefire.Ah!myfriend,donotdegrademe;donotattempttojustifyyourself,donotpunishmeforsuffering.HowcouldI,inthebottomofmyheart,suspectyouofdeceivingme?No,youarebeautifulandyouaretrue;asingleglanceofyours,Brigitte,tellsmemorethanwordscouldutterandIamcontent.Ifyouknewwhathorrors,whatmonstrousdeceit,themanwhostandsbeforeyouhasseen!Ifyouknewhowhehasbeentreated,howtheyhavemockedatallthatisgood,howtheyhavetakenpainstoteachhimallthatleadstodoubt,tojealousy,todespair!

"Alas!alas!mydearmistress,ifyouknewwhomyoulove!Donotreproachme,butratherpityme;Imustforgetthatotherbeingsthanyouexist.Whocanknowthroughwhatfrightfultrials,throughwhat

pitilesssufferingIhavepassed!Ididnotexpectthis,Ididnotanticipatethismoment.Sinceyouhavebecomemine,IrealizewhatIhavedone;Ihavefelt,inkissingyou,thatmylipswerenot,likeyours,unsullied.Inthenameofheaven,helpmelive!Godmademeabettermanthantheoneyouseebeforeyou."

Brigitteheldoutherhandsandcaressedmetenderly.Shebeggedmetotellherallthathadledtothissadscene.IspokeofwhatIhadlearnedfromLarive,butdidnotdareconfessthatIhadinterviewedMercanson.SheinsistedthatIlistentoherexplanation.M.deDalenshadlovedher;buthewasamanoffrivolousdisposition,dissipatedandinconstant;shehadgivenhimtounderstandthat,notwishingtoremarry,shecouldonlyrequestthathedroptheroleofsuitor,and

hehadyieldedtoherwisheswithgoodgrace;buthisvisitshadbecomemoreraresincethattime,untilnowtheyhadceasedaltogether.Shedrewfromthebundleacertainletterwhichsheshowedme,thedateofwhichwasrecent;IcouldnothelpblushingasIfoundinittheconfirmationofallshehadsaid;sheassuredmethatshepardonedme,andexactedapromisethatinthefutureIwouldpromptlytellherofanycauseImighthavetosuspecther.Ourtreatywassealedwithakiss,andwhenIleftherwehadbothforgottenthatM.deDalenseverexisted.

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CHAPTERII.UNCERTAINTY

Akindofstagnantinertia,temperedwithbitterjoy,ischaracteristicofdebauchery.Itisthesequenceofalifeofcaprice,wherenothingisregulatedaccordingtotheneedsofthebody,buteverythingaccordingtothefantasyofthemind,andonemustbealwaysreadytoobeythebehestsoftheother.Youthandwillcanresistexcess;butnaturesilentlyavengesherself,andthedaywhenshedecidestorepairherforces,thewillstrugglestoretardherworkandabusesheranew.

Findingabouthimthenalltheobjectsthatwereabletotempthimtheeveningbefore,themanwhoisincapableofenjoyingthemlooksdownatthemwithasmileofdisgust.Atthesametimetheobjectswhichexcitehisdesireareneverattainedwithsang-froid;allthatthedebauchesloves,heseizes;hislifeisafever;hisorgans,inordertosearchthedepthsofjoy,areforcedtoavailthemselvesofthestimulantoffermentedliquorsandsleeplessnights;inthedaysofennuiandofidlenesshefeelsmorekeenlythanothermenthedisparitybetweenhisimpotenceandhistemptations,and,inordertoresistthelatter,pridemustcometohisaidandmakehimbelievethathedisdainsthem.Itisthushespitsonallthefeastsandpleasuresofhislife,andso,

betweenanardentthirstandaprofoundsatiety,afeelingoftranquilvanityleadshimtohisdeath.

AlthoughIwasnolongeradebauches,itcametopassthatmybodysuddenlyrememberedthatithadbeen.ItiseasytounderstandwhyIhadnotfelttheeffectsofitsooner.Whilemourningmyfather'sdeatheveryotherthoughtwascrowdedfrommymind.Thenapassionatelovesucceeded;whileIwasalone,ennuihadnothingtostrugglefor.Sadorgay,fairorfoul,whatmattersittohimwhoisalone?

Aszinc,rarelyfoundunmixed,drawnfromtheveinwhereitliessleeping,attractstoitselfarayoflightwhenplacedneargreenleather,thusBrigitte'skissesgraduallyawakenedinmyheartwhathad

beenburiedthere.AthersideIperceivedwhatIreallywas.

ThereweredayswhenIfeltsuchastrangesensationinthemorningsthatitisimpossibleformetodefineit.Iawakenedwithoutamotive,feelinglikeamanwhohasspentthenightineatinganddrinkingtothepointofexhaustion.Allexternalsensationscausedmeinsupportablefatigue,allwell-knownobjectsofdailyliferepelledandannoyedme;ifIspokeitwasinridiculeofwhatothersthoughtorofwhatIthoughtmyself.Then,extendedonthebed,asifincapableofanymotion,Idismissedanythoughtofundertakingwhateverhadbeenagreedupontheeveningbefore;IrecalledallthetenderandlovingthingsIhadsaidtomymistressduringmybettermoments,andwasnotsatisfieduntilIhadspoiledandpoisonedthosememoriesofhappydays."Canyou

notforgetallthat?"Brigittewouldsadlyinquire,"iftherearetwodifferentmeninyou,canyounot,whenthebadrouseshimself,forgetthegood?"

ThepatiencewithwhichBrigitteopposedthesevagariesonlyservedtoexcitemysinistergayety.Strangethatthemanwhosufferswishestomakeherwhomhelovessuffer!Tolosecontrolofone'sself,isthatnottheworstofevils?Isthereanythingmorecruelforawomanthantohearamanturntoderisionallthatissacredandmysterious?Yetshedidnotfleefromme;sheremainedatmyside,whileinmysavagehumor

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Andthenatothertimes,whenputtingonmyhattovisitBrigitte,Iwouldlookinmyglassandsay:"Whatistheresoterribleaboutit,anyway?Ihave,afterall,aprettymistress;shehasgivenherselftoalibertine,lethertakemeforwhatIam."Ireachedhersidewithasmileonmylips,Isankintoachairwithanairofdeliberateinsolence;thenIsawBrigitteapproach,herlargeeyesfilledwithtendernessandanxiety;Iseizedherlittlehandsinmineandlostmyselfinaninfinitedream.

Hownameathingthatisnameless?WasIgoodorbad?WasIdistrustfulorafool?Itisuselesstoreflectonit;ithappenedthus.

OneofourneighborswasayoungwomanwhosenamewasMadameDaniel.Shepossessedsomebeauty,andstillmorecoquetry;shewaspoor,buttriedtopassforrich;shewouldcometoseeusafterdinnerandalwaysplayedaheavygameagainstus,althoughherlossesembarrassedher;shesang,buthadnovoice.Inthesolitudeofthatunknownvillage,whereanunkindfatehadburiedher,shewasconsumedwithanuncontrollablepassionforpleasure.ShetalkedofnothingbutParis,whichshevisitedtwoorthreetimesayear.Shepretendedtokeepupwiththefashions,andmydearBrigitteassistedherasbestshecould,whilesmilingwithpity.Herhusbandwasemployedbythegovernment;onceayearhewouldtakehertothehouseofthechiefofhisdepartment,where,attiredinherbest,thelittlewomandancedtoherheart'scontent.Shewould

returnwithshiningeyesandtiredbody;shewouldcometoustotellofherprowess,andhersuccessinassaultingthemasculineheart.Therestofthetimeshereadnovels,nevertakingthetroubletolookafterherhouseholdaffairs,whichwerenotalwaysinthebestcondition.

WheneverIsawher,Ilaughedather,findingnothingsoridiculousasthehighlifeshethoughtshewasleading.Iwouldinterruptherdescriptionofaballtoinquireaboutherhusbandandherfather-in-law,bothofwhomshedetested,theonebecausehewasherhusband,andtheotherbecausehewasonlyapeasant;inshort,wewerealwaysdisputingonsomesubject.

InmyevilmomentsIthoughtofpayingcourttoherjustforthesakeof

annoyingBrigitte.

"Yousee,"Isaid,"howperfectlyMadameDanielunderstandslife!Inherpresentsprightlyhumorcouldonedesireamorecharmingmistress?"

Ithenpaidherthemostextravagantcompliments;hersenselesschattingIdescribedasunrestrainttemperedbyfinesse,herpretentiousexaggerationsasanaturaldesiretoplease;wasitherfaultthatshewaspoor?Atleastshethoughtofnothingbutpleasureandconfesseditfreely;shedidnotpreachsermonsherself,nordidshelistentothemfromothers;IwentsofarastotellBrigittethatsheoughttoadoptherasamodel,andthatshewasjustthekindofwomantopleaseme.

PoorMadameDanieldiscoveredsignsofmelancholyinBrigitte'seyes.Shewasastrangecreature,asgoodandsincere--whenyoucouldgetfineryoutofherhead--asshewasstupidwhenabsorbedinsuchfrivolousaffairs.Onoccasionshecouldbebothgoodandstupid.Onefineday,whentheywerewalkingtogether,shethrewherselfintoBrigitte'sarms,andtoldherthatshehadnoticedIwasbeginningtopaycourttoher,andthatIhadmadecertainproposalstoher,themeaningofwhichwasnotdoubtful;butsheknewthatIwasanother'slover,andasforher,whatevermighthappen,shewoulddieratherthandestroythehappinessofafriend.Brigittethankedher,andMadame

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Daniel,havingsetherconscienceatease,considereditnosintorendermedesolatebylanguishingglances.

Intheevening,whenshehadgone,Brigitte,inaseveretone,toldmewhathadhappened;shebeggedmetosparehersuchaffrontsinthefuture.

"NotthatIattachanyimportancetosuchpleasantries,"shesaid,"butifyouhaveanyloveforme,itseemstomeitisuselesstoinformathirdpartythattherearetimeswhenyouhavenot."

"Isitpossible,"Irepliedwithasmile,"thatitisimportant?YouseeverywellthatIwasonlyjoking,andthatIdiditonlytopassawaythetime."

"Ah!myfriend,myfriend,"saidBrigitte,"itisapitythatyoumustseekpastimes."

AfewdayslaterIproposedthatwegototheprefecturetoseeMadameDanieldance;sheunwillinglyconsented.Whileshewasarranginghertoilette,Isatnearthewindowandreproachedherforlosingherformercheerfulness.

"Whatisthematterwithyou?"Iasked.(Iknewaswellasshe.)"Why

thatmoroseairthatneverleavesyou?Intruth,youmakeourlifequitesad.Ihaveknownyouwhenyouweremorejoyous,morefreeandmoreopen;IamnotflatteredbythethoughtthatIamresponsibleforthechange.Butyouhaveacloistraldisposition;youwereborntoliveinaconvent."

ItwasSunday;asweweredrivingdowntheroadBrigitteorderedthecarriagetostopinordertosaygood-eveningtosomefriends,freshandvigorouscountrygirls,whoweregoingtodanceatTilleuls.Whentheyhadgoneon,Brigittefollowedthemwith,longingeyes;herlittlerusticdancewasverydeartoher;shedriedhereyeswithherhandkerchief.

WefoundMadameDanielattheprefectureinhighfeather.Idancedwithhersooftenthatitexcitedcomment;Ipaidherathousandcomplimentsandsherepliedasbestshecould.

Brigittewasnearus,andhereyesneverleftus.IcanhardlydescribewhatIfelt;itwasbothpleasureandpain.Iclearlysawthatshewasjealous;butinsteadofbeingmovedbyitIdidallIcouldtoincreasehersuffering.

OnthereturnIexpectedtohearherreproaches;shemadenone,butremainedsilentforthreedays.WhenIcametoseehershewouldgreetmekindly;thenwewouldsitdownfacingeachother,bothofuspreoccupied,hardlyexchangingaword.Thethirddayshespoke,

overwhelmedmewithbitterreproaches,toldmethatmyconductwasunreasonable,thatshecouldnotaccountforitexceptonthesuppositionthatIhadceasedtoloveher;butshecouldnotendurethislifeandwouldresorttoanythingratherthansubmittomycapricesandcoldness.Hereyeswerefulloftears,andIwasabouttoaskherpardonwhensomewordsescapedherthatweresobitterthatmypriderevolted.Irepliedinthesametone,andourquarrelbecameviolent.

ItoldherthatitwasabsurdtosupposethatIcouldnotinspireenoughconfidenceinmymistresstoescapethenecessityofexplainingmyevery

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action;thatMadameDanielwasonlyapretext;thatsheverywellknewIdidnotthinkofthatwomanseriously;thatherpretendedjealousywasnothingbuttheexpressionofherdesirefordespoticpower,andthat,moreover,ifshehadtiredofthislife,itwaseasyenoughtoputanendtoit.

"Verywell,"shereplied;"itistruethatIdonotrecognizeyouasthesamemanIfirstknew;youdoubtlessperformedalittlecomedytopersuademethatyoulovedme;youaretiredofyourroleandcanthinkofnothingbutabuse.Yoususpectmeofdeceivingyouuponthefirstword,andIamundernoobligationtosubmittoyourinsults.YouarenolongerthemanIloved."

"Iknowwhatyoursufferingsare,"Ireplied."Icannotmakeastepwithoutexcitingyouralarm.SoonIshallnotbepermittedtoaddressawordtoanyonebutyou.Youpretendthatyouhavebeenabusedinorderthatyoumaybejustifiedinofferinginsult;youaccusemeoftyrannyinorderthatImaybecomeyourslave.SinceItroubleyourrepose,Ileaveyouinpeace;youwillneverseemeagain."

Wepartedinanger,andIpassedanentiredaywithoutseeingher.Thenextnight,towardmidnight,IwasseizedbyafeelingofmelancholythatIcouldnotresist.Ishedatorrentoftears;IoverwhelmedmyselfwithreproachesthatIrichlydeserved.ItoldmyselfthatIwasnothing

butafool,andacowardlyfoolatthat,tomakethenoblest,thebestofcreatures,sufferinthisway.Irantohertothrowmyselfatherfeet.

Enteringthegarden,Isawthatherroomwaslightedandaflashofsuspicioncrossedmymind."Shedoesnotexpectmeatthishour,"Isaidtomyself;"whoknowswhatshemaybedoing.Ileftherintearsyesterday;Imayfindherreadytosingto-dayandcaringnomoreformethanifIneverexisted.Imustentergently,inordertosurpriseher."

Iadvancedontiptoe,andthedoorbeingopen,IcouldseeBrigittewithoutbeingseen.

Shewasseatedathertableandwaswritinginthatsamebookthathadarousedmysuspicions.Sheheldinherlefthandalittleboxofwhitewoodwhichshelookedatfromtimetotimeandtrembled.Therewassomethingsinisterinthequietthatreignedintheroom.Hersecretarywasopenandseveralbundlesofpaperswerecarefullyrangedinorder.

Imadesomenoiseatthedoor.Sherose,wenttothesecretary,closedit,thencametomewithasmile:

"Octave,"shesaid,"wearetwochildren.Ifyouhadnotcomehere,Ishouldhavegonetoyou.Pardonme,Iwaswrong.MadameDanielcomestodinnerto-morrow;makemerepent,ifyouchoose,ofwhatyoucallmydespotism.IfyoubutlovemeIamhappy;letusforgetwhatispastand

letusnotspoilourhappiness."

CHAPTERIII.EXPLANATIONS

Butquarrelhadbeen,sotospeak,lesssadthanourreconciliation;itwasattended,onBrigitte'spart,byamysterywhichfrightenedmeatfirstandthenplantedinmysoultheseedsofconstantdread.

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Theredevelopedinme,inspiteofmystruggles,thetwoelementsofmisfortunewhichthepasthadbequeathedme:attimesfuriousjealousyattendedbyreproachesandinsults;atothertimesacruelgayety,anaffectedcheerfulness,thatmockinglyoutragedwhateverIheldmostdear.Thustheinexorablespectresofthepastpursuedmewithoutrespite;thusBrigitte,seeingherselftreatedalternatelyasafaithlessmistressandashamelesswoman,fellintoaconditionofmelancholythatcloudedourentirelife;andworstofall,thatsadnesseven,thecauseofwhichIknew,wasnotthemostburdensomeofoursorrows.IwasyoungandIlovedpleasure;thatdailyassociationwithawomanolderthanI,whosufferedandlanguished,thatface,moreandmoreserious,whichwasalwaysbeforeme,allthisrepelledmyyouthandarousedwithinmebitterregretsforthelibertyIhadlost.

Onenightwewerepassingthroughtheforestinthebeautifullightofthemoon,andbothexperiencedaprofoundmelancholy.Brigittelookedatmeinpity.Wesatdownonarocknearawildgorgeandpassedtwoentirehoursthere;herhalf-veiledeyesplungedintomysoul,crossingaglancefrommine;thenwanderedtonature,totheheavensandthevalley.

"Ah!mydearchild,"shesaid,"howIpityyou!Youdonotloveme."

Toreachthatrockwehadtotraveltwoleagues;twomoreinreturningmakesfour.Brigittewasafraidofneitherfatiguenordarkness.Wesetoutatelevenatnight,expectingtoreachhomesometimeinthemorning.Whenwewentonlongtrampsshealwaysdressedinablueblouseandtheapparelofaman,sayingthatskirtswerenotmadeforbushes.Shewalkedbeforemeinthesandwithafirmstepandsuchacharmingminglingoffemininedelicacyandchildlikeinnocence,thatIstoppedeveryfewmomentstolookather.Itseemedthat,oncestarted,shehadtoaccomplishadifficultbutsacredtask;shewalkedinfrontlikeasoldier,herarmsswinging,hervoiceringingthroughthewoodsinsong;suddenlyshewouldturn,cometomeandkissme.Thiswasontheoutwardjourney;onthereturnsheleanedonmyarm;thenmoresongs,confidences,tenderavowalsinlowtones,althoughwewerealone,two

leaguesfromanywhere.Idonotrecallasinglewordspokenonthereturnthatwasnotofloveorfriendship.

Anothernightwestruckoutthroughthewoods,leavingtheroadwhichledtotherock.Brigittewastrampingalongsostoutlyandherlittlevelvetcaponherlighthairmadeherlooksomuchlikearesoluteyouth,thatIforgotshewasawomanwhentherewerenoobstaclesinourpath.MorethanonceshewasobligedtocallmetoheraidwhenI,withoutthinkingofher,hadpushedonahead.Icannotdescribetheeffectproducedonmeintheclearnightair,inthemidstoftheforest,bythatvoiceofhers,half-joyousandhalf-plaintive,coming,asitwere,fromthatlittleschoolboybodywedgedinbetweenrootsandtrunksoftrees,unabletoadvance.Itookherinmyarms.

"Come,Madame,"Icried,laughing,"youareaprettylittlemountaineer,butyouareblisteringyourwhitehands,andinspiteofyourhobnailedshoes,yourstickandyourmartialair,Iseethatyoumustbecarried."

Wearrivedattherockbreathless;aboutmybodywasstrappedaleatherbelttowhichwasattachedawickerbottle.Whenwewereseatedontherock,mydearBrigitteaskedforthebottle;Ihadlostit,aswellasatinder-boxwhichservedanotherpurpose:thatwastoreadtheinscriptionsontheguide-postswhenwewentastray,whichoccurred

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frequently.AtsuchtimesIwouldclimbtheposts,andreadthehalf-effacedinscriptionbythelightofthetinder-box;allthisinplay,likethechildrenthatwewere.Atacrossroadwewouldhavetoexaminenotoneguide-postbutfiveorsixuntiltherightonewasfound.Butthistimewehadlostourbaggageontheway.

"Verywell,"saidBrigitte,"wewillpassthenighthere,asIamrathertired.Thisrockwillmakeahardbed,butwecancoveritwithdryleaves.Letussitdownandmakethebestofit."

Thenightwassuperb;themoonwasrisingbehindus;Ilookedatitovermyleftshoulder.Brigittewaswatchingthelinesofthewoodedhillsastheybegantooutlinethemselvesagainstthebackgroundofsky.Asthelightfloodedthecopseandthrewitshalooversleepingnature,Brigitte'ssongbecamemoregentleandmoremelancholy.Thenshebentover,and,throwingherarmsaroundmyneck,said:

"DonotthinkthatIdonotunderstandyourheartorthatIwouldreproachyouforwhatyoumakemesuffer.Itisnotyourfault,myfriend,ifyouhavenotthepowertoforgetyourpastlife;youhavelovedmeingoodfaithandIshallneverregret,althoughIshoulddieforit,thedayIgavemyselftoyou.Youthoughtyouwereenteringuponanewlife,andthatwithmeyouwouldforgetthewomenwhohaddeceivedyou.Alas!Octave,Iusedtosmileatthatprecociousexperiencewhich

yousaidyouhadbeenthrough,andofwhichIheardyouboastlikeachildwhoknowsnothingoflife.IthoughtIhadbuttowillit,andallthattherewasthatwasgoodinyourheartwouldcometoyourlipswithmyfirstkiss.You,too,believedit,butwewerebothmistaken.

"Oh,mychild!Youhaveinyourheartaplaguethatcannotbecured;thatwomanwhodeceivedyou,howyoumusthavelovedher!Yes,morethanyouloveme,alas!muchmore,sincewithallmypoorloveIcannoteffaceherimage;shemusthavedeceivedyoumostcruelly,sinceitisinvainthatIamfaithful!

"Andtheothers,thosewretcheswhothenpoisonedyouryouth!Thepleasurestheysoldmusthavebeenterriblesinceyouaskmetoimitate

them!Yourememberthemwithme!Alas!mydearchild,thatistoocruel.Ilikeyoubetterwhenyouareunjustandfurious,whenyoureproachmeforimaginarycrimesandavengeonmethewrongdoneyoubyothers,thanwhenyouareundertheinfluenceofthatfrightfulgayety,whenyouassumethatairofhideousmockery,whenthatmaskofscornaffrontsmyeyes.

"Tellme,Octave,whythat?Whythosemomentswhenyouspeakoflovewithcontemptandrailatthemostsacredmysteriesoflove?Whatfrightfulpoweroveryourirritablenerveshasthatlifeyouhaveled,thatsuchinsultsshouldmounttoyourlipsinspiteofyou?Yes,inspiteofyou;foryourheartisnoble,youblushatyourownblasphemy;youlovemetoomuch,nottosufferwhenyouseemesuffer.Ah!Iknow

younow.ThefirsttimeIsawyouthus,IwasseizedwithafeelingofterrorofwhichIcangiveyounoidea.Ithoughtyouwereonlyaroue,thatyouhaddeliberatelydeceivedmebyfeigningaloveyoudidnotfeel,andthatIsawyousuchasyoureallywere.Omyfriend!Ithoughtitwastimetodie;whatanightIpassed!Youdonotknowmylife;youdonotknowthatIwhospeaktoyouhavehadanexperienceasterribleasyours.Alas!lifeissweetonlytothosewhodonotknowlife.

"Youarenot,mydearOctave,theonlymanIhaveloved.ThereishiddeninmyheartafatalstorythatIwishyoutoknow.Myfatherdestined

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me,whenIwasquiteyoung,fortheonlysonofanoldfriend.Theywereneighborsandeachownedalittledomainofalmostequalvalue.Thetwofamiliessaweachothereveryday,andlived,sotospeak,together.Myfatherdied;mymotherhadbeendeadsometime.Ilivedwiththeauntwhomyouknow.Ajourneyshewascompelledtotakeforcedhertoconfidemetothecareofmyfuturefather-in-law.Hecalledmehisdaughter,anditwassowellknownaboutthecountrythatIwastomarryhissonthatwewereallowedthegreatestlibertytogether.

"Thatyoungman,whosenameyouneednotknow,appearedtoloveme.Whathadbeenfriendshipfrominfancybecameloveintime.Hebegantotellmeofthehappinessthatawaitedus;hespokeofhisimpatience,Iwasonlyoneyearyoungerthanhe;buthehadmadetheacquaintanceofamanofdissipatedhabitswholivedinthevicinity,asortofadventurer,andhadlistenedtohisevilsuggestions.WhileIwasyieldingtohiscaresseswiththeconfidenceofachild,heresolvedtodeceivehisfather,andtoabandonmeafterhehadruinedme.

"Hisfathercalledusintohisroomoneeveningand,inthepresenceofthefamily,setthedayofourwedding.Theveryeveningbeforethatdayhehadmetmeinthegardenandhadspokentomeoflovewithmoreforcethanusual;hesaidthatsincethetimewasset,wewerejustthesameasmarried,andforthatmatterhadbeenintheeyesofGod,eversinceourbirth.Ihavenootherexcusetoofferthanmyyouth,myignorance,

andmyconfidenceinhim.Igavemyselftohimbeforebecominghiswife,andeightdaysafterwardhelefthisfather'shouse.Hefledwithawomanhisnewfriendhadintroducedtohim;hewrotethathehadgonetoGermanyandthatweshouldneverseehimagain.

"Thatis,inaword,thestoryofmylife;myhusbandknewitasyounowknowit.Iamproud,mychild,andIhaveswornthatnomanshallevermakemeagainsufferwhatIsufferedthen.Isawyouandforgotmyoath,butnotmysorrow.Youmusttreatmegently;ifyouaresick,Iamalso;wemustcareforeachother.Yousee,Octave,I,too,knowwhatitistocallupmemoriesofthepast.Itinspiresmeattimeswithcruelterror;Ishouldhavemorecouragethanyou,forperhapsIhavesufferedmore.Itismyplacetobegin;myheartisnotsureofitself,Iamstillvery

feeble;mylifeinthisvillagewassotranquilbeforeyoucame!Ihadpromisedmyselfthatitshouldneverchange!Allthismakesmeexacting.

"Ah!well,itdoesnotmatter,Iamyours.Youhavetoldme,inyourbettermoments,thatProvidenceappointedmetowatchoveryouasamother.Yes,whenyoumakemesufferIdonotlookuponyouasalover,butasasickchild,fretfulandrebellious,thatImustcareforandcureinorderthatImayalwayskeephimandlovehim.MayGodgivemethatpower!"sheaddedlookinguptoheaven."MayGodwhoseesme,whohearsus,maytheGodofmothersandofloverspermitmetoaccomplishthattask!WhenIfeelasifIshouldsinkunderit,whenmypriderebels,whenmyheartisbreaking,whenallmylife--"

Shecouldnotfinish;hertearschokedher.Oh,God!Isawherthereonherknees,herhandsclaspedontherock;sheswayedinthebreezeasdidthebushesaboutus.Frailandsublimecreature!sheprayedforherlove.Iraisedherinmyarms.

"Oh!myonlyfriend,"Icried,"oh!mymistress,mymother,andmysister!PrayalsoformethatImaybeabletoloveyouasyoudeserve.PraythatImayhavethecouragetolive;thatmyheartmaybecleansedinyourtears;thatitmaybecomeaholyofferingbeforeGodandthatwemayshareittogether."

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Allwassilentaboutus;aboveourheadsspreadtheheavensresplendentwithstars.

"Doyouremember,"Isaid,"doyourememberthefirstday?"

Fromthatnightweneverreturnedtothatspot.Thatrockwasanaltarwhichhasretaineditspurity;itisoneofthevisionsofmylife,anditstillpassesbeforemyeyeswreathedinspotlesswhite.

CHAPTERIV.BRIGITTE'SLOSS

AsIwascrossingthepublicsquareoneeveningIsawtwomenstandingtogether;oneofthemsaid:

"Itappearstomethathehasill-treatedher."

"Itisherfault,"repliedtheother;"whychoosesuchaman?Hehasknownonlypublicwomen;sheispayingthepriceofherfolly."

Iadvancedinthedarknesstoseewhowasspeakingthus,andtohear

moreifpossible;buttheypassedonassoonastheyspiedme.

IfoundBrigittemuchdisturbed;herauntwasseriouslyill;shehadtimeforonlyafewwordswithme.Ididnotseeherforanentireweek;IknewthatshehadsummonedaphysicianfromParis;finallyshesentforme.

"Myauntisdead,"shesaid;"Ilosetheonlyoneleftmeonearth,Iamnowaloneintheworld,andIamgoingtoleavethecountry."

"AmI,then,nothingtoyou?"

"Yes,myfriend;youknowthatIloveyou,andIoftenbelievethatyou

loveme.ButhowcanIcountonyou?Iamyourmistress,alas!butyouarenotmylover.ItisforyouthatShakespearehaswrittenthesesadwords:'Makethydoubletofchangeabletaffeta,forthymindisaveryopal.'AndI,Octave,"sheadded,pointingtohermourningcostume,"Iamreducedtoasinglecolor,andIshallnotchangeitforalongtime."

"Leavethecountryifyouchoose;IwilleitherkillmyselforIwillfollowyou.Ah!Brigitte,"Icontinued,throwingmyselfonmykneesbeforeher,"youthoughtyouwerealonewhenyourauntdied!Thatisthemostcruelpunishmentyoucouldinflictonme;neverhaveIsokeenlyfeltthemiseryofmyloveforyou.Youmustretractthoseterriblewords;Ideservethem,buttheywillkillme.Oh,God!canitbetrue

thatIcountfornothinginyourlife,orthatIamaninfluenceinyourlifeonlybecauseoftheevilIhavedoneyou!"

"Idonotknow,"shesaid,"whoisbusyinghimselfinouraffairs;certaininsinuations,mixedwithidlegossip,havebeensetafloatinthevillageandintheneighboringcountry.SomesaythatIhavebeenruined;othersaccusemeofimprudenceandfolly;othersrepresentyouasacruelanddangerousman.Someonehasspiedintoourmostsecretthoughts;thingsthatIthoughtnooneelseknew,eventsinyourlifeandsadscenestowhichtheyhaveled,areknowntoothers;mypoor

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auntspoketomeaboutitnotlongago,andsheknewitsometimebeforespeakingtome.Whoknowsbutthatthathashastenedherdeath?

"WhenImeetmyoldfriendsinthestreet,theyeithertreatmecoldly,orturnaside.Evenmydearpeasantgirls,thosegoodgirlswholovemesomuch,shrugtheirshoulderswhentheyseemyplaceemptyattheSundayafternoonballs.Howhasthatcomeabout?Idonotknow,nordoyou,Isuppose;butImustgoaway,Icannotendureit.Andmyaunt'sdeath,sosudden,sounexpected,aboveall,thissolitude!thisemptyroom!Couragefailsme;myfriend,myfriend,donotabandonme!"

Shewept;inanadjoiningroomIsawherhouseholdgoodsindisorder,atrunkonthefloor,everythingindicatingpreparationsfordeparture.Itwasevidentthat,atthetimeofheraunt'sdeath,Brigittehadtriedtogoawaywithoutseeingme,butcouldnot.Shewassooverwhelmedwithemotionthatshecouldhardlyspeak;herconditionwaspitiful,anditwasIwhohadbroughthertoit.Notonlywassheunhappy,butshewasinsultedinpublic,andthemanwhooughttobehersupportandherconsolationinsuchanhourwasthecauseofallhertroubles.

IfeltthewrongIhaddonehersokeenlythatIwasovercomewithshame.Aftersomanypromises,somuchuselessexaltation,somanyplansandhopes,whathadI,infact,accomplishedinthreemonths?IthoughtIhadatreasureinmyheart,andoutofitcamenothingbutmalice,the

shadowofadream,andthemisfortuneofawomanIadored.ForthefirsttimeIfoundmyselfreallyfacetofacewithmyself.Brigittereproachedmefornothing;shehadtriedtogoawayandcouldnot;shewasreadytosufferstill.IsuddenlyaskedmyselfwhetherIoughtnottoleaveher,whetheritwasnotmydutytofleefromherandridherofthescourgeofmypresence.

Iarose,and,passingintothenextroom,satdownonBrigitte'strunk.ThereIleanedmyheadonmyhandandsatmotionless.Ilookedaboutmeattheconfusedpilesofgoods.Alas!Iknewthemall;myheartwasnotsohardenedthatitcouldnotbemovedbythememorieswhichtheyawakened.IbegantocalculatealltheharmIhaddone;IsawmydearBrigittewalkingunderthelindenswithhergoatbesideher.

"Oman!"Imused,"andbywhatright?--howdaredyoucometothishouse,andlayhandsonthiswoman?Whohasordainedthatsheshouldsufferforyou?Youarrayyourselfinfinelinen,andsetout,sleekandhappy,forthehomewhereyourmistresslanguishes;youthrowyourselfuponthecushionswhereshehasjustkneltinprayer,foryouandforher,andyougentlystrokethosedelicatehandsthatstilltremble.Youthinkitnoeviltoinflameapoorheart,andyouperorateaswarmlyinyourdeliriumsofloveasthewretchedlawyerwhocomeswithredeyesfromasuithehaslost.Youplaytheinfantprodigyinmakingsportofsuffering;youfinditamusingtooccupyyourleisuremomentsincommittingmurderbymeansoflittlepinpricks.

"WhatwillyousaytothelivingGod,whenyourworkisfinished?Whatwillbecomeofthewomanwholovesyou?Wherewillyoufallwhilesheleansonyouforsupport?Withwhatfacewillyouonedayburyyourpaleandwretchedcreature,justassheburiedthelastmanwhoprotectedher?Yes,yes,youwilldoubtlesshavetoburyher,foryourlovekillsandconsumes;youhavedevotedhertotheFuriesanditisshewhoappeasesthem.Ifyoufollowthatwomanyouwillbethecauseofherdeath.Takecare!herguardianangelhesitates;hehasjustknockedatthedoorofthishouse,inordertofrightenawayafatalandshamefulpassion!HeinspiredBrigittewiththeideaofflight;atthismomenthe

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maybewhisperinginherearhisfinalwarning.Oassassin!Omurderer!Beware!itisamatteroflifeanddeath."

ThusIcommunedwithmyself;thenonthesofaIcaughtsightofalittleginghamdress,foldedandreadytobepackedinthetrunk.Ithadbeenawitnessofourhappydays.Itookitupandexaminedit.

"MustIleaveyou?"Isaidtoit;"MustIloseyou?Olittledress,wouldyougoawaywithoutme?"

No,IcannotabandonBrigitte;inthesecircumstancesitwouldbecowardly.Shehasjustlostheraunt,andisallalone;sheisexposedtothepowerofIknownotwhatenemy.CanitbeMercanson?Hemayhavespokenofmyconversationwithhim,and,seeingthatIwasjealousofDalens,mayhaveguessedtherest.Assuredlyheisthesnakewhohasbeenhissingaboutmywell-belovedflower.Imustpunishhim,andImustrepairthewrongIhavedoneBrigitte.FoolthatIam!Ithinkofleavingher,whenIoughttoconsecratemylifetoher,totheexpiationofmysins,torenderingherhappyafterthetearsIhavedrawnfromhereyes-whenIamheronlysupportintheworld,heronlyfriend,heronlyprotector!whenIoughttofollowhertotheendoftheworld,toshelterherwithmybody,toconsoleherforhavinglovedme,forhavinggivenherselftome!

"Brigitte!"Icried,returningtoherroom,"waitanhourforme,andIwillreturn."

"Whereareyougoing?"sheasked.

"Waitforme,"Ireplied,"donotsetoutwithoutme.RememberthewordsofRuth:'Whitherthougoest,Iwillgo;andwherethoulodgest,Iwilllodge;thypeopleshallbemypeople,andthyGodmyGod;wherethoudiest,willIdie,andtherewillIbeburied."'

Ileftherprecipitately,andrushedouttofindMercanson.Iwastoldthathehadgoneout,andIenteredhishousetowaitforhim.

Isatinthecorneroftheroomonapriest'schairbeforeadirtyblacktable.IwasbecomingimpatientwhenIrecalledmyduelonaccountofmyfirstmistress.

"Ireceivedawoundfromabulletandamstillafool,"Isaidtomyself."WhathaveIcometodohere?Thispriestwillnotfight;ifIseekaquarrelwithhim,hewillsaythathispriestlyrobesforbid,andhewillcontinuehisvilegossipwhenIhavegone.Moreover,forwhatcanIholdhimresponsible?WhatisitthathasdisturbedBrigitte?Theysaythatherreputationhasbeensullied,thatIill-treather,andthatsheoughtnottosubmittoit.Whatstupidity!Thatconcernsnoone;thereisnothingtodobutallowthemtotalk;insuchacase,tonoticeaninsultistogiveitimportance.

"Isitpossibletopreventprovincialsfromtalkingabouttheirneighbors?Cananyonepreventagossipfrommaligningawomanwholoves?Whatmeasurescanbetakentostopapublicrumor?IftheysaythatIill-treather,itisforme--toprovethecontrarybymyconductwithher,andnotbyviolence.ItwouldbeasridiculoustoseekaquarrelwithMercansonastoleavethecountryonaccountofgossip.No,wemustnotleavethecountry;thatwouldbeabadmove;thatwouldbetosaytoalltheworldthatthereistruthinitsidlerumors,andtogiveexcusetothegossips.Wemustneithergoawaynortakeanynotice

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ofsuchthings."

IreturnedtoBrigitte.Ahalfhourhadpassed,andIhadchangedmymindthreetimes.Idissuadedherfromherplans;ItoldherwhatIhadjustdoneandwhyIhadnotcarriedoutmyfirstimpulse.Shelistenedresignedly,yetshewishedtogoaway;thehousewhereheraunthaddiedhadbecomeodioustoher.Mucheffortandpersuasiononmypartwererequiredtogethertoconsenttoremain;finallyIaccomplishedit.Werepeatedthatwewoulddespisetheworld,thatwewouldyieldnothing,thatwewouldnotchangeourmanneroflife.Isworethatmyloveshouldconsoleherforallhersorrows,andshepretendedtohopeforthebest.ItoldherthatthiscircumstancehadsoenlightenedmeinthematterofthewrongsIhaddoneher,thatmyconductwouldprovemyrepentance,thatIwoulddrivefrommeasaphantomalltheevilthatremainedinmyheart;thathenceforthsheshouldnotbeoffendedeitherbymyprideorbymycaprices;andthus,sadandpatient,herarmsaroundmyneck,sheyieldedobediencetothepurecapricethatImyselfmistookforaflashofreason.

OnedayIsawalittlechambershecalledheroratory;therewasnofurnitureexceptaprie-dieuandalittlealtarwithacrossandsomevasesofflowers.Asfortherest,thewallsandcurtainswereaswhiteassnow.Sheshutherselfupinthatroomattimes,butrarelysinceIhadknownher.

IsteppedtothedoorandsawBrigitteseatedonthefloorinthemiddleoftheroom,surroundedbytheflowersshewasthrowinghereandthere.Sheheldinherhandalittlewreaththatappearedtobemadeofdriedgrass,andshewasbreakingitinpieces.

"Whatareyoudoing?"Iasked.

Shetrembledandstoodup.

"Itisnothingbutachild'splaything,"shesaid;"itisarosewreaththathasfadedhereintheoratory;Ihavecomeheretochangemyflowers,asIhavenotattendedtothemforsometime."

Hervoicetrembled,andsheappearedtobeabouttofaint.IrecalledthatnameofBrigittelaRosethatIhadheardgivenher.Iaskedherwhetheritwasnothercrownofrosesthatshehadjustbrokenthus.

"No,"shereplied,turningpale.

"Yes,"Icried,"yes,onmylife!Givemethepieces."

Igatheredthemupandplacedthemonthealtar,thenIwassilent,myeyesfixedontheoffering.

"WasInotright,"sheasked,"ifitwasmycrown,totakeitfromthe

wallwhereithashungsolong?

"Ofwhatusearetheseremains?BrigittelaRoseisnomore,northeflowersthatbaptizedher."Shewentout.Iheardhersobs,andthedoorclosedonme;Ifellonmykneesandweptbitterly.WhenIreturnedtoherroom,Ifoundherwaitingforme;dinnerwasready.Itookmyplaceinsilence,andnotawordwassaidofwhatwasinourhearts.

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CHAPTERV.ATORTUREDSOUL

ItwasMercansonwhohadrepeatedinthevillageandinthechateaumyconversationwithhimaboutDalensandthesuspicionsthat,inspiteofmyself,Ihadallowedhimclearlytosee.Everyoneknowshowbadnewstravelsintheprovinces,flyingfrommouthtomouthandgrowingasitflies;thatiswhathadhappenedinthiscase.

BrigitteandIfoundourselvesfacetofacewitheachotherinanewposition.Howeverfeeblyshemayhavetriedtoflee,shehadneverthelessmadetheattempt.Itwasonaccountofmyprayersthatsheremained;therewasanobligationimplied.Iwasunderoathnottogrievehereitherbymyjealousyormylevity;everythoughtlessormockingwordthatescapedmewasasin,everysorrowfulglancefromherwasareproachacknowledgedandmerited.

Hersimplegood-naturegaveacharmeventosolitude;shecouldseemenowatallhourswithoutresortingtoanyprecaution.Perhapssheconsentedtothisarrangementinordertoprovetomethatshevaluedherlovemorehighlythanherreputation;sheseemedtoregrethavingshownthatshecaredfortherepresentationsofmalice.Atanyrate,insteadofmakinganyattempttodisarmcriticismorthwartcuriosity,welivedthefreestkindoflife,moreregardlessofpublicopinionthan

ever.

ForsometimeIkeptmyword,andnotacloudtroubledourlife.Thesewerehappydays,butitisnotofthesethatIwouldspeak.

ItwassaideverywhereaboutthecountrythatBrigittewaslivingpubliclywithalibertinefromParis;thatherloverill-treatedher,thattheyspenttheirtimequarrelling,andthatshewouldcometoabadend.AstheyhadpraisedBrigitteforherconductinthepast,sotheyblamedhernow.Therewasnothinginherpastlife,even,thatwasnotpickedtopiecesandmisrepresented.Herlonelytrampsoverthemountains,whenengagedinworksofcharity,suddenlybecamethesubjectofquibblesandofraillery.Theyspokeofherasofawomanwhohad

lostallhumanrespectandwhodeservedthefrightfulmisfortunesshewasdrawingdownonherhead.

IhadtoldBrigittethatitwasbesttoletthemtalkandpaynoattentiontothem;butthetruthis,itbecameinsupportabletome.Isometimestriedtocatchawordthatcouldbeconstruedasaninsultandtodemandanexplanation.IlistenedtowhisperedconversationsinasalonwhereIwasvisiting,butcouldhearnothing;inordertodousbetterjusticetheywaiteduntilIhadgone.IreturnedtoBrigitteandtoldherthatallthesestoriesweremerenonsense;thatitwasfoolishtonoticethem;thattheycouldtalkaboutusasmuchastheypleasedandwewouldcarenothingaboutit.

WasInotterriblymistaken?IfBrigittewasimprudent,wasitnotmyplacetobecautiousandwardoffdanger?Onthecontrary,Itook,sotospeak,thepartoftheworldagainsther.

Ibeganbyindifference;Iwassoontogrowmalignant.

"Itistrue,"Isaid,"thattheyspeakevilofyournocturnalexcursions.Areyousurethattheyarewrong?Hasnothinghappenedinthoseromanticgrottoesandby-pathsintheforest?Haveyouneveracceptedthearmofanunknownasyouacceptedmine?Wasitmerely

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charitythatservedasyourdivinityinthatbeautifultempleofverdurethatyouvisitedsobravely?"

Brigitte'sglancewhenIadoptedthistoneIshallneverforget;Ishudderedatitmyself."But,bah!"Ithought,"shewoulddothesamethingthatmyothermistressdid--shewouldpointmeoutasaridiculousfool,andIshouldpayforitallintheeyesofthepublic."

Betweenthemanwhodoubtsandthemanwhodeniesthereisonlyastep.Allphilosophyisakintoatheism.HavingtoldBrigittethatIsuspectedherpastconduct,Ibegantoregarditwithrealsuspicion.

IcametoimaginethatBrigittewasdeceivingme,shewhoneverleftmeatanyhouroftheday;Isometimesplannedlongabsencesinordertotesther,asIsupposed;butintruthitwasonlytogivemyselfsomeexcuseforsuspicionandmockery.AndthenItookpleasureinobservingthatIhadoutgrownmyfoolishjealousy,whichwasthesameassayingthatInolongeresteemedherhighlyenoughtobejealousofher.

AtfirstIkeptsuchthoughtstomyself,butsoonfoundpleasureinrevealingthemtoBrigitte.Wehadgoneoutforawalk:

"Thatdressispretty,"Isaid,"suchandsuchagirl,belongingtooneofmyfriends,hasonelikeit."

Wewerenowseatedattable.

"Come,mydear,myformermistressusedtosingformeatdessert;youpromised,youknow,toimitateher."

Shesatdownatthepiano.

"Ah!pardonme,butwillyouplaythatwaltzthatwassopopularlastwinter?Thatwillremindmeofhappytimes."

Reader,thislastedsixmonths:forsixlongmonthsBrigitte,scandalized,exposedtotheinsultsoftheworld,hadtoendurefromme

allthewrongsthatawrathfulandcruellibertinecaninflictonwoman.

Afterthesedistressingscenes,inwhichmyownspiritexhausteditselfinsufferingandinpainfulcontemplationofthepast;afterrecoveringfromthatfrenzy,astrangeaccessoflove,anextremeexaltation,ledmetotreatmymistresslikeanidol,oradivinity.AquarterofanhourafterinsultingherIwasonmykneesbeforeher;whenIwasnotaccusingherofsomecrime,Iwasbeggingherpardon;whenIwasnotmocking,Iwasweeping.Then,seizedbyadeliriumofjoy,Ialmostlostmyreasonintheviolenceofmytransports;Ididnotknowwhattodo,whattosay,whattothink,inordertorepairtheevilIhaddone.ItookBrigitteinmyarms,andmadeherrepeatahundredtimesthatshelovedmeandthatshepardonedme.Ithreatenedtoexpiatemyevildeeds

byblowingoutmybrainsifIeverill-treatedheragain.Theseperiodsofexaltationsometimeslastedseveralhours,duringwhichtimeIexhaustedmyselfinfoolishexpressionsofloveandesteem.Thenmorningcame;dayappeared;Ifellasleepfromsheerexhaustion,andIawakenedwithasmileonmylips,mockingateverything,believinginnothing.

Duringtheseterriblehours,Brigitteappearedtoforgetthattherewasamaninmeotherthantheoneshesaw.WhenIaskedherpardonsheshruggedhershouldersasiftoanswer:"DoyounotknowthatIpardonyou?"Shewouldnotcomplainaslongasasparkofloveremainedin

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myheart;sheassuredmethatallwasgoodandsweetcomingfromme,insultsaswellastears.

Andyetastimepassedmyevilgrewworse,mymomentsofmalignityandironybecamemoresombreandintractable.Arealphysicalfeverattendedmyoutburstsofpassion;Iawakenedtremblingineverylimbandcoveredwithcoldsweat.Brigitte,too,althoughshedidnotcomplainofit,begantofailinhealth.WhenIstartedtoabusehershewouldleavemewithoutawordandlockherselfinherroom.ThankGod,Ineverraisedmyhandagainsther;inmymostviolentmomentsIwouldratherhavediedthantouchedher.

Oneeveningtherainwasdrivingagainstthewindows;wewerealone,thecurtainswereclosed.

"Iaminhappyhumorthisevening,"IsaidtoBrigitte,"andyetthehorribleweathersaddensme.Letusseeksomediversioninspiteofthestorm."

IaroseandlightedallthecandlesIcouldfind.Theroomwassmallandtheilluminationbrilliant.Atthesametimeabrightfirethrewoutastiflingheat:

"Come,"Isaid,"whatshallwedowhilewaitingforsupper?"

IhappenedtorememberthatitwascarnivaltimeinParisIseemedtoseethecarriagesfilledwithmaskscrossingtheboulevards.Iheardtheshoutsofthecrowdsbeforethetheatres;Isawthelasciviousdances,thegaycostumes,thewineandthefolly;allmyyouthboundedinmyheart.

"Letusdisguiseourselves,"IsaidtoBrigitte."Itwillbeforourownamusement,butwhatdoesthatmatter?Ifyouhavenocostumeswecanmakethem,andpassawaythetimeagreeably."

Wesearchedintheclosetfordresses,cloaks,andartificialflowers;Brigitte,asusual,waspatientandcheerful.Webotharrangedasortof

travesty;shewishedtodressmyhairherself;wepaintedandpowderedourselvesfreely;allthatwelackedwasfoundinanoldchestthathadbelonged,Ibelieve,totheaunt.Inanhourwecouldnotrecognizeeachother.Theeveningpassedinsinging,inathousandfollies;towardoneo'clockinthemorningitwastimeforsupper.

Wehadransackedalltheclosets;therewasonenearmethatremainedopen.Whilesittingdownatthetable,IperceivedonashelfthebookofwhichIhavealreadyspoken,theoneinwhichBrigittewasaccustomedtowrite.

"Isitnotacollectionofyourthoughts?"Iasked,stretchingoutmyhandandtakingthebookdown."IfImay,allowmetolookatit."

Iopenedthebook,althoughBrigittemadeagestureasiftopreventme;onthefirstpageIreadthesewords:

"Thisismylastwillandtestament."

Everythingwaswritteninafirmhand;IfoundfirstafaithfulrecitalofallthatBrigittehadsufferedonmyaccountsinceshehadbeenmymistress.Sheannouncedherfirmdeterminationtoendureeverything,solongasIlovedher,andtodiewhenIlefther.Herdailylifewas

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recordedthere;whatshehadlost,whatshehadhoped,theisolationsheexperiencedeveninmypresence,thebarrierthatwasgrowingupbetweenus;thecrueltiesIsubjectedhertoinreturnforherloveandherresignation.Allthiswaswrittendownwithoutacomplaint;onthecontrarysheundertooktojustifyme.Thenfollowedpersonaldetails,thedispositionofhereffects.Shewouldendherlifebypoison,shewrote.Shewoulddiebyherownhandandexpresslyforbadethatherdeathshouldbechargedtome."Prayforhim!"wereherlastwords.

IfoundintheclosetonthesameshelfalittleboxthatIrememberedIhadseenbefore,filledwithafinebluishpowderresemblingsalt.

"Whatisthis?"IaskedofBrigitte,raisingtheboxtomylips.Shegaveventtoascreamofterrorandthrewherselfuponme.

"Brigitte,"Isaid,"bidmefarewell.Ishallcarrythisboxawaywithme;youwillforgetme,andyouwillliveifyouwishtosavemefrombecomingamurderer.Ishallsetoutthisverynight;youwillagreewithmethatGoddemandsit.Givemealastkiss."

Ibentoverherandkissedherforehead.

"Notyet!"shecried,inanguish.ButIrepulsedherandlefttheroom.

ThreehourslaterIwasreadytosetout,andthehorseswereatthedoor.ItwasstillrainingwhenIenteredthecarriage.Atthemomentthecarriagewasstarting,Ifelttwoarmsaboutmybodyandasobwhichspentitselfonmylips.

ItwasBrigitte.IdidallIcouldtopersuadehertoremain;Iorderedthedrivertostop;IeventoldherthatIwouldreturntoherwhentimeshouldhaveeffacedthememoryofthewrongsIhaddoneher.Iforcedmyselftoprovetoherthatyesterdaywasthesameasto-day,to-dayasyesterday;IrepeatedthatIcouldonlyrenderherunhappy,thattoattachherselftomewasbuttomakeanassassinofme.Iresortedtoprayers,tovows,tothreatseven;heronlyreplywas:"Youaregoingaway;takeme,letustakeleaveofthecountry,letustakeleave

ofthepast.Wecannotlivehere;letusgoelsewhere,whereveryouplease;letusgoanddietogetherinsomeremotecorneroftheworld.Wemustbehappy,Ibyyou,youbyme."

IkissedherwithsuchpassionthatIfearedmyheartwouldburst.

"Driveon!"Icriedtothecoachman.Wethrewourselvesintoeachother'sarms,andthehorsessetoutatagallop.

BOOK3.

PARTV

CHAPTERI.SWEETANTICIPATIONS

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Havingdecidedonalongtour,wewentfirsttoParis;thenecessarypreparationsrequiredtime,andwetookafurnishedapartmentforonemonth.ThedecisiontoleaveFrancehadchangedeverything:joy,hope,confidence,allreturned;nomoresorrow,nomoregriefoverapproachingseparation.Wehadnownothingbutdreamsofhappinessandvowsofeternallove;Iwished,onceforall,tomakemydearmistressforgetallthesufferingIhadcausedher.HowhadIbeenabletoresistsuchproofoftenderaffectionandcourageousresignation?NotonlydidBrigittepardonme,butshewaswillingtomakeastillgreatersacrificeandleaveeverythingforme.AsIfeltmyselfunworthyofthedevotionsheexhibited,Iwishedtorequiteherbymylove;atlastmygoodangelhadtriumphed,andadmirationandloveresumedtheirswayinmyheart.BrigitteandIexaminedamaptodeterminewhereweshouldgoandburyourselvesfromtheworld.Wehadnotyetdecided,andwefoundpleasureinthatveryuncertainty;whileglancingoverthemapwesaid"Whereshallwego?Whatshallwedo?Whereshallwebeginlifeanew?"HowshallItellhowdeeplyIrepentedmycrueltywhenIlookeduponhersmilingface,afacethatlaughedatthefuture,althoughstillpalefromthesorrowsofthepast!Blissfulprojectsoffuturejoy,youareperhapstheonlytruehappinessknowntoman!Foreightdayswespentourtimemakingpurchasesandpreparingforourdeparture;thenayoungmanpresentedhimselfatourapartments:hebroughtletterstoBrigitte.AftertheirinterviewIfoundhersadanddistraught;butIcouldnot

guessthecauseunlesstheletterswerefromN------,thatvillagewhereIhadconfessedmyloveandwhereBrigitte'sonlyrelativeslived.Nevertheless,ourpreparationsprogressedrapidlyandIbecameimpatienttogetaway;atthesametimeIwassohappythatIcouldhardlyrest.WhenIaroseinthemorningandthesunwasshiningthroughourwindows,IexperiencedsuchtransportsofjoythatIwasalmostintoxicatedwithhappiness.SoanxiouswasItoprovethesincerityofmyloveforBrigittethatIhardlydaredkissthehemofherskirt.Herlightestwordsmademetrembleasifhervoicewerestrangetome;Ialternatedbetweentearsandlaughter,andIneverspokeofthepastexceptwithhorroranddisgust.Ourroomwasfullofpersonaleffectsscatteredaboutindisorder--albums,pictures,books,andthedearmapwelovedsomuch.Wewenttoandfroaboutthelittleapartment;atbriefintervals

IwouldstopandkneelbeforeBrigittewhowouldcallmeanidler,sayingthatshehadtodoallthework,andthatIwasgoodfornothing;andallsortsofprojectsflittedthroughourminds.Sicilywasfaraway,butthewintersaresodelightfulthere!Genoaisveryprettywithitspaintedhouses,itsgreengardens,andtheApenninesinthebackground!Butwhatnoise!Whatcrowds!Amongeverythreemenonthestreet,oneisamonkandanotherasoldier.Florenceissad,itistheMiddleAgeslivinginthemidstofmodernlife.Howcananyoneendurethosegrilledwindowsandthathorriblebrowncolorwithwhichallthehousesaretinted?

WhatcouldwedoatRome?Wewerenottravellinginordertoforgetourselves,muchlessforthesakeofinstruction.TotheRhine?Butthe

seasonwasover,andalthoughwedidnotcarefortheworldoffashion,stillitissadtovisititshauntswhenithasfled.ButSpain?Toomanyrestrictionsthere;onetravelslikeanarmyonthemarch,andmayexpecteverythingexceptrepose.Switzerland?Toomanypeoplegothere,andmostofthemaredeceivedastothenatureofitsattractions;butinthatlandareunfoldedthethreemostbeautifulcolorsonGod'searth:theazureofthesky,theverdureoftheplains,andthewhitenessofthesnowsonthesummitsofglaciers.

"Letusgo,letusgo!"criedBrigitte,"letusflyawayliketwobirds.

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Letuspretend,mydearOctave,thatwemeteachotheronlyyesterday.Youmetmeataball,IpleasedyouandIloveyou;youtellmethatsomeleaguesdistant,inacertainlittletown,youlovedacertainMadamePierson;whatpassedbetweenyouandherIdonotknow.Youwillnottellmethestoryofyourloveforanother!AndIwillwhispertoyouthatnotlongsinceIlovedaterriblefellowwhomademeveryunhappy;youwillreprovemeandclosemymouth,andwewillagreenevertospeakofsuchthings."

WhenBrigittespokethusIexperiencedafeelingthatresembledavarice;Icaughtherinmyarmsandcried:

"Oh,God!IknownotwhetheritiswithjoyorwithfearthatItremble.Iamabouttocarryoffmytreasure.Die,myyouth;die,allmemoriesofthepast;die,allcaresandregrets!Oh,mygood,mybraveBrigitte!Youhavemadeamanoutofachild.IfIloseyounow,Ishallneverloveagain.Perhaps,beforeIknewyou,anotherwomanmighthavecuredme;butnowyoualone,ofalltheworld,havepowertodestroymeortosaveme,forIbearinmyheartthewoundofalltheevilIhavedoneyou.Ihavebeenaningrate,blindandcruel.Godbepraised!Youlovemestill.IfyoueverreturntothathomeunderwhoselindensIfirstmetyou,lookcarefullyaboutthatdesertedhouse;youwillfindaphantomthere,forthemanwholeftit,andwentawaywithyou,isnotthemanwhoenteredit."

"Isittrue?"saidBrigitte,andherface,allradiantwithlove,wasraisedtoheaven;"isittruethatIamyours?Yes,farfromthisodiousworldinwhichyouhavegrownoldbeforeyourtime,yes,mychild,youshallreallylove.Ishallhaveyouasyouare,and,whereverwegoyouwillmakemeforgetthepossibilityofadaywhenyouwillnolongerloveme.Mymissionwillhavebeenaccomplished,andIshallalwaysbethankfulforit."

FinallywedecidedtogotoGenevaandthenchoosesomerestingplaceintheAlps.Brigittewasenthusiasticaboutthelake;IthoughtIcouldalreadybreathetheairwhichfloatsoveritssurface,andtheodoroftheverdure-cladvalley;alreadyIbeheldLausanne,Vevey,Oberland,

andinthedistancethesummitsofMonteRosaandtheimmenseplainofLombardy.Alreadyoblivion,repose,travel,allthedelightsofhappysolitudeinvitedus;already,whenintheeveningwithjoinedhands,welookedateachotherinsilence,wefeltrisingwithinusthatsentimentofstrangegrandeurwhichtakespossessionoftheheartontheeveofalongjourney,themysteriousandindescribablevertigowhichhasinitsomethingoftheterrorsofexileandthehopesofpilgrimage.Aretherenotinthehumanmindwingsthatflutterandsonorouschordsthatvibrate?HowshallIdescribeit?Istherenotaworldofmeaninginthesimplewords:"Allisready,weareabouttogo"?

SuddenlyBrigittebecamelanguid;shebowedherheadinsilence.WhenIaskedherwhethershewasinpain,shesaid"No!"inavoicethatwas

scarcelyaudible;whenIspokeofourdeparture,shearose,coldandresigned,andcontinuedherpreparations;whenIsworetoherthatshewasgoingtobehappy,andthatIwouldconsecratemylifetoher,sheshutherselfupinherroomandwept;whenIkissedhersheturnedpale,andavertedhereyesasmylipsapproachedhers;whenItoldherthatnothinghadyetbeendone,thatitwasnottoolatetorenounceourplans,shefrownedseverely;whenIbeggedhertoopenherhearttomeandtoldherIwoulddieratherthancauseheroneregret,shethrewherarmsaboutmyneck,thenstoppedandrepulsedmeasifinvoluntarily.Finally,Ienteredherroomholdinginmyhandaticketonwhichour

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placesweremarkedforthecarriagetoBesancon.Iapproachedherandplaceditinherlap;shestretchedoutherhand,screamed,andfellunconsciousatmyfeet.

CHAPTERII.THEDEMONOFDOUBT

AllmyeffortstodivinethecauseofsounexpectedachangewereasvainasthequestionsIhadfirstasked.Brigittewasill,andremainedobstinatelysilent.Afteranentiredaypassedinsupplicationandconjecture,IwentoutwithoutknowingwhereIwasgoing.PassingtheOpera,Ientereditfrommereforceofhabit.

Icouldpaynoattentiontowhatwasgoingoninthetheatre,Iwassooverwhelmedwithgrief,sostupefied,thatIdidnotlive,sotospeak,exceptinmyself,andexteriorobjectsmadenoimpressiononmysenses.Allmypowerswerecentredonasinglethought,andthemoreIturneditoverinmyhead,thelessclearlycouldIdistinguishitsmeaning.

Whatobstaclewasthisthathadsosuddenlycomebetweenusandtherealizationofourfondesthopes?Ifitwasmerelysomeordinaryeventorevenanactualmisfortune,suchasanaccidentorthelossofa

friend,whythatobstinatesilence?AfterallthatBrigittehaddone,whenourdreamsseemedabouttoberealized,whatcouldbethenatureofasecretthatdestroyedourhappinessandcouldnotbeconfidedtome?What!toconcealitfromme!AndyetIcouldnotfinditinmyhearttosuspecther.Theappearanceofsuspicionrevoltedmeandfilledmewithhorror.Ontheotherhand,howcouldIconceiveofinconstancyorofcapriceinthatwoman,asIknewher?Iwaslostinanabyssofdoubt,andIcouldnotdiscoveragleamoflight,thesmallestpoint,onwhichtobaseconjecture.

Infrontofmeinthegallerysatayoungmanwhosefacewasnotunknowntome.Asoftenhappenswhenoneispreoccupied,Ilookedathimwithoutthinkingofhimasapersonalidentityortryingtofitanameonhim.

SuddenlyIrecognizedhim:itwashewhohadbroughtletterstoBrigittefromN------.IaroseandstartedtoaccosthimwithoutthinkingwhatIwasdoing.HeoccupiedaplacethatIcouldnotreachwithoutdisturbingalargenumberofspectators,andIwasforcedtoawaittheentr'acte.

Myfirstthoughtwasthatifanyonecouldenlightenmeitwasthisyoungman.HehadhadseveralinterviewswithMadamePiersoninthelastfewdays,andIrecalledthefactthatshewasalwaysmuchdepressedafterhisvisits.Hehadseenherthemorningofthedayshewastakenill.

ThelettershebroughtBrigittehadnotbeenshownme;itwaspossiblethatheknewthereasonwhyourdeparturewasdelayed.Perhapshedid

notknowallthecircumstances,buthecoulddoubtlessenlightenmeastothecontentsofthoseletters,andtherewasnoreasonwhyIshouldhesitatetoquestionhim.Whenthecurtainfell,Ifollowedhimtothefoyer;Idonotknowthathesawmecoming,buthehastenedawayandenteredabox.Ideterminedtowaituntilheshouldcomeout,andstoodlookingattheboxforfifteenminutes.Atlastheappeared.Ibowedandapproachedhim.Hehesitatedamoment,thenturnedanddisappeareddownastairway.

Mydesiretospeaktohimhadbeentooevidenttoadmitofanyother

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explanationthandeliberateintentiononhisparttoavoidme.Hesurelyknewmyface,and,whetherheknewitornot,amanwhoseesanotherapproachinghimought,atleast,towaitforhim.Weweretheonlypersonsinthecorridoratthetime,andtherecouldbenodoubthedidnotwishtospeaktome.IdidnotdreamofsuchimpertinenttreatmentfromamanwhomIhadcordiallyreceivedatmyapartments;whyshouldheinsultme?Hecouldhavenootherexcusethanadesiretoavoidanawkwardinterview,duringwhichquestionsmightbeaskedwhichhedidnotcaretoanswer.Butwhy?Thissecondmysterytroubledmealmostasmuchasthefirst.AlthoughItriedtodrivethethoughtfrommyhead,thatyoungman'sactioninavoidingmeseemedtohavesomeconnectionwithBrigitte'sobstinatesilence.

Ofalltormentsuncertaintyisthemostdifficulttoendure,andduringmylifeIhaveexposedmyselftomanydangersbecauseIcouldnotwaitpatiently.WhenIreturnedtomyapartmentsIfoundBrigittereadingthosesamefatefullettersfromN------.ItoldherthatIcouldnotremainlongerinsuspense,andthatIwishedtoberelievedfromitatanycost;thatIdesiredtoknowthecauseofthesuddenchangewhichhadtakenplaceinher,andthat,ifsherefusedtospeak,Ishouldlookuponhersilenceasapositiverefusaltogoabroadwithmeandanorderformetoleaveherforever.

Shereluctantlyhandedmethelettersshewasreading.Herrelativeshad

writtenherthatherdeparturehaddisgracedthem,thateveryoneknewthecircumstances,andthattheyfeltittheirdutytowarnheroftheconsequences;thatshewaslivingopenlyasmymistress,andthat,althoughshewasawidowandfreetodoasshechose,sheoughttothinkofthenameshebore;thatneithertheynorheroldfriendswouldeverseeheragainifshepersistedinhercourse;finally,byallsortsofthreatsandentreaties,theyurgedhertoreturn.

Thetoneoftheletterangeredme,andatfirstItookitasaninsult.

"Andthatyoungmanwhobringsyoutheseremonstrances,"Icried,"doubtlesshasorderstodeliverthempersonally,anddoesnotfailtodohisownparttothebestofhisability.AmInotright?"

Brigitte'sdejectionmademereflectandcalmmywrath.

"Youwilldoasyouwish,andachievemyruin,"shesaid."Myfaterestswithyou;youhavebeenforalongtimemymaster.Avengeasyoupleasethelasteffortmyoldfriendshavemadetorecallmetoreason,totheworldthatIformerlyrespected,tothehonorthatIhavelost.Ihavenotawordtosay,andifyouwishtodictatemyreply,Iwillobeyyou."

"Icaretoknownothing,"Ireplied,"butyourintentions;itisformetocomplywithyourwishes,andIassureyouIamreadytodoit.Tellme,doyoudesiretoremain,togoaway,orshallIgoalone?"

"Whythatquestion?"askedBrigitte;"haveIsaidthatIhadchangedmymind?Iamsuffering,andcannottravelinmypresentcondition,butwhenIrecoverwewillgotoGenevaaswehaveplanned."

Weseparatedatthesewords,andthecoldnesswithwhichshehadexpressedherresolutionsaddenedmemorethanusual.Itwasnotthefirsttimeourliaisonhadbeenthreatenedbyherrelatives;butuptothistimewhateverlettersBrigittehadreceivedshehadnevertakenthemsomuchtoheart.HowcouldIbringmyselftobelievethatBrigitte

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hadbeensoaffectedbyprotestswhichinlesshappymomentshadhadnoeffectonher?Coulditbemerelytheweaknessofawomanwhorecoilsfromanactoffinalsignificance?"Iwilldoasyouplease,"shehadsaid.No,itdoesnotpleasemetodemandpatience,andratherthanlookatthatsorrowfulfaceevenaweeklonger,unlessshespeaksIwillsetoutalone.

FoolthatIwas!HadIthestrengthtodoit?Ididnotclosemyeyesthatnight,andthenextmorningIresolvedtocallonthatyoungmanIhadseenattheopera.Idonotknowwhetheritwaswrathorcuriositythatimpelledmetothiscourse,nordidIknowjustwhatIdesiredtolearnofhim;butIreflectedthathecouldnotavoidmethistime,andthatwasallIdesired.

AsIdidnotknowhisaddress,IaskedBrigitteforit,pretendingthatIfeltunderanobligationtocallonhimafterallthevisitshehadmadeus;Ihadnotsaidawordaboutmyexperienceattheopera.Brigitte'seyesbetrayedsignsoftears.WhenIenteredherroomsheheldoutherhandandsaid:

"Whatdoyouwish?"

Hervoicewassadbuttender.Weexchangedafewkindwords,andIsetoutlessunhappy.

ThenameoftheyoungmanIwasgoingtoseewasSmith;hewaslivingnearus.WhenIknockedathisdoor,Iexperiencedastrangesensationofuneasiness;Iwasdazedasthoughbyasuddenflashoflight.Hisfirstgesturefrozemyblood.Hewasinbed,andwiththesameaccentBrigittehademployed,withafaceaspaleandhaggardashers,heheldouthishandandsaid:

"Whatdoyouwish?"

Saywhatyouplease,therearethingsinaman'slifewhichreasoncannotexplain.Isatasstillasifawakenedfromadream,andbegantorepeathisquestions.Why,infact,hadIcometoseehim?HowcouldI

tellhimwhathadbroughtmethere?Evenifhehadanythingtotellme,howdidIknowhewouldspeak?HehadbroughtlettersfromN------,andknewthosewhohadwrittenthem.Butitcostmeanefforttoquestionhim,andIfearedhewouldsuspectwhatwasinmymind.Ourfirstwordswerepoliteandinsignificant.IthankedhimforhiskindnessinbringingletterstoMadamePierson;ItoldhimthatuponleavingFrancewewouldaskhimtodothesamefavorforus;andthenweweresilent,surprisedtofindourselvesvis-a-vis.

Ilookedaboutmeinembarrassment.Hisroomwasonthefourthfloor;everythingindicatedhonestandindustriouspoverty.Somebooks,musicalinstruments,papers,atableandafewchairs,thatwasall,buteverythingwaswellcaredforandpresentedanagreeableensemble.

Asforhim,hisfrankandanimatedfacepredisposedmeinhisfavor.OnthemantelIobservedapictureofanoldlady.Isteppeduptolookatit,andhesaiditwashismother.

IthenrecalledthatBrigittehadoftenspokenofhim;shehadknownhimsincechildhood.BeforeIcametothecountrysheusedtoseehimoccasionallyatN------,butatthetimeofherlastvisittherehewasaway.Itwas,therefore,onlybychancethatIhadlearnedsomeparticularsofhislife,whichnowcametomind.Hehadanhonest

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employmentthatenabledhimtosupporthismotherandsister.

Histreatmentofthesetwowomendeservedthehighestpraise;hedeprivedhimselfofeverythingforthem,andalthoughhepossessedmusicaltalentsthatwouldhaveenabledhimtomakeafortune,theimmediateneedsofthosedependentonhim,andanextremereserve,hadalwaysledhimtopreferanassuredincometotheuncertainchancesofsuccessinlargerventures.

Inaword,hebelongedtothatsmallclasswholivequietly,andwhoareworthmoretotheworldthanthosewhodonotappreciatethem.Ihadlearnedofcertaintraitsinhischaracterwhichwillservetopaintthemanhehadfalleninlovewithabeautifulgirlintheneighborhood,and,afterayearofdevotiontoher,hadsecuredherparents'consenttotheirunion.Shewasaspoorashe.Thecontractwasreadytobesigned,thepreparationsfortheweddingwerecomplete,whenhismothersaid:

"Andyoursister?Whowillmarryher?"

Thatsimpleremarkmadehimunderstandthatifhemarriedhewouldspendallhismoneyinthehouseholdexpensesandhissisterwouldhavenodowry.Hebrokeofftheengagement,bravelyrenouncinghishappyprospects;hethencametoParis.

WhenIheardthatstoryIwishedtoseethehero.Thatsimple,unassumingactofdevotionseemedtomemoreadmirablethanallthegloriesofwar.

ThemoreIexaminedthatyoungman,thelessIfeltinclinedtobroachthesubjectnearestmyheart.Theideawhichhadfirstoccurredtome,thathewouldharmmeinBrigitte'seyes,vanishedatonce.Graduallymythoughtstookanothercourse;Ilookedathimattentively,anditseemedtomethathewasalsoexaminingmewithcuriosity.

Wewerebothtwenty-oneyearsofage,butwhatadifferencebetweenus!He,accustomedtoanexistenceregulatedbythegraduatedtickofthe

clock;neverhavingseenanythingoflife,exceptthatpartofitwhichliesbetweenanobscureroomonthefourthfloorandadingygovernmentoffice;sendinghismotherallhissavings,thatfarthingofhumanjoywhichthehandoftoilclaspssogreedily;havingnothoughtexceptforthehappinessofothers,andthatsincehischildhood,sincehehadbeenababeinarms!AndI,duringthatprecioustime,soswift,soinexorable,duringthetimethatwithhimhadbeenaroundoftoil,whathadIdone?WasIaman?Whichofushadlived?

WhatIhavesaidinapagecanbecomprehendedinamoment.Hespoketomeofourjourneyandthecountriesweweregoingtovisit.

"Whendoyougo?"heasked.

"Idonotknow;MadamePiersonisindisposed,andhasbeenconfinedtoherbedforthreedays."

"Forthreedays!"herepeated,insurprise.

"Yes;whyareyouastonished?"

Hearoseandthrewhimselfonme,hisarmsextended,hiseyesfixed.Hewastremblingviolently.

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"Areyouill?"Iasked,takinghimbythehand.Hepressedhishandtohisheadandburstintotears.Whenhehadrecoveredsufficientlytospeak,hesaid:

"Pardonme;begoodenoughtoleaveme.IfearIamnotwell;whenIhavesufficientlyrecoveredIwillreturnyourvisit."

CHAPTERIII.THEQUESTIONOFSMITH

Brigittewasbetter.Shehadtoldmethatshedesiredtogoawayassoonasshewaswellenoughtotravel.ButIinsistedthatsheoughttorestatleastfifteendaysbeforeundertakingalongjourney.

WheneverIattemptedtopersuadehertospeakfrankly,sheassuredmethattheletterwastheonlycauseofhermelancholy,andbeggedmetosaynothingmoreaboutit.ThenItriedinvaintoguesswhatwaspassinginherheart.Wewenttothetheatreeverynightinordertoavoidembarrassinginterviews.Therewesometimespressedeachother'shandsatsomefinebitofactingorbeautifulstrainofmusic,orexchanged,perhaps,afriendlyglance,butgoingandreturningwewere

mute,absorbedinourthoughts.

Smithcamealmosteveryday.Althoughhispresenceinthehousehadbeenthecauseofallmysorrow,andalthoughmyvisittohimhadleftsingularsuspicionsinmymind,stillhisapparentgoodfaithandhissimplicityreassuredme.Ihadspokentohimofthelettershehadbrought,andhedidnotappearoffended,butsaddened.Hewasignorantofthecontents,andhisfriendshipforBrigitteledhimtocensurethemseverely.Hewouldhaverefusedtocarrythem,hesaid,hadheknownwhattheycontained.OnaccountofBrigitte'stoneofreserveinhispresence,Ididnotthinkhewasinherconfidence.

Ithereforewelcomedhimwithpleasure,althoughtherewasalwaysa

sortofawkwardembarrassmentinourmeeting.HewasaskedtoactasintermediarybetweenBrigitteandherrelativesafterourdeparture.Whenwethreeweretogetherhenoticedacertaincoldnessandrestraintwhichheendeavoredtobanishbycheerfulgood-humor.Ifhespokeofourliaisonitwaswithrespectandasamanwholooksuponloveasasacredbond;infact,hewasakindfriend,andinspiredmewithfullconfidence.

Butdespiteallthis,despiteallhisefforts,hewassad,andIcouldnotgetridofstrangethoughtsthatcametomymind.ThetearsIhadseenthatyoungmanshed,hisillnesscomingonatthesametimeasBrigitte's,IknownotwhatmelancholysympathyIthoughtIdiscoveredbetweenthem,troubledanddisquietedme.NotoveramonthagoI

wouldhavebecomeviolentlyjealous;butnow,ofwhatcouldIsuspectBrigitte?Whateverthesecretshewasconcealingfromme,wasshenotgoingawaywithme?EvenwereitpossiblethatSmithcouldsharesomesecretofwhichIknewnothing,whatcouldbethenatureofthemystery?Whatwastheretobecensuredintheirsadnessandintheirfriendship?

Shehadknownhimasachild;shemethimagainafterlongyearsjustasshewasabouttoleaveFrance;shechancedtobeinanunfortunatesituation,andfatedecreedthatheshouldbetheinstrumentofaddingtohersorrow.Wasitnotnaturalthattheyshouldexchangesorrowful

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glances,thatthesightofthisyoungmanshouldawakenmemoriesandregrets?Couldhe,ontheotherhand,seeherstartoffonalongjourney,proscribedandalmostabandoned,withoutgraveapprehensions?Ifeltthisthatmustbetheexplanation,andthatitwasmydutytoassurethemthatIwascapableofprotectingtheonefromalldangers,andofrequitingtheotherfortheserviceshehadrendered.Andyetadeadlychilloppressedme,andIcouldnotdeterminewhatcoursetopursue.

WhenSmithleftusintheevening,weeitherweresilentortalkedofhim.Idonotknowwhatfatalattractionledmetoaskabouthimcontinually.She,however,toldmejustwhatIhavetoldmyreader;Smith'slifehadneverbeenotherthanitwasnow--poor,obscure,andhonest.Imadeherrepeatthestoryofhislifeanumberoftimes,withoutknowingwhyItooksuchaninterestinit.

TherewasinmyheartasecretcauseofsorrowwhichIwouldnotconfess.Ifthatyoungmanhadarrivedatthetimeofourgreatesthappiness,hadhebroughtaninsignificantlettertoBrigitte,hadhepressedherhandwhileassistingherintothecarriage,wouldIhavepaidtheleastattentiontoit?Hadherecognizedmeattheoperaorhadhenot--hadheshedtearsforsomeunknownreason,whatwoulditmattersolongasIwashappy?ButwhileunabletodivinethecauseofBrigitte'ssorrow,Isawthatmypastconduct,whatevershemightsay

ofit,hadsomethingtodowithherpresentstate.IfIhadbeenwhatIoughttohavebeenforthelastsixmonthsthatwehadlivedtogether,nothingintheworld,Iwaspersuaded,couldhavetroubledourlove.

Smithwasonlyanordinaryman,buthewasgoodanddevoted;hissimpleandmodestqualitiesresembledthelarge,purelineswhichtheeyeseizesatthefirstglance;onecouldknowhiminaquarterofanhour,andheinspiredconfidenceifnotadmiration.IcouldnothelpthinkingthatifhewereBrigitte'slover,shewouldcheerfullygowithhimtotheendsoftheearth.

Ihaddeferredourdeparturepurposely,butnowIbegantoregretit.Brigitte,too,attimesurgedmetohastentheday.

"Whydoyouwait?"sheasked."HereIamrecoveredandeverythingisready."

Whydidwewait,indeed?Idonotknow.

Seatednearthefire,myeyeswanderedfromSmithtomylovedone.Isawthattheywerebothpale,serious,silent.Ididnotknowwhy,andIcouldnothelpthinkingthattherewasbutonecause,oronesecrettolearn.Thiswasnotoneofthosevague,sicklysuspicions,suchashadformerlytormentedme,butaninstinct,persistentandfatal.Whatstrangecreaturesarewe!Itpleasedmetoleavethemalonebeforethefire,andtogooutonthequaytodream,leaningontheparapetand

lookingatthewater.WhentheyspokeoftheirlifeatN------,andwhenBrigitte,almostcheerful,assumedamotherlyairtorecallsomeincidentoftheirchildhooddays,itseemedtomethatIsuffered,andyettookpleasureinit.Iaskedquestions;IspoketoSmithofhismother,ofhisplansandhisprospects;Igavehimanopportunitytoshowhimselfinafavorablelight,andforcedhismodestytorevealhismerit.

"Youloveyoursisterverymuch,doyounot?"Iasked."Whendoyouexpecttomarryheroff?"

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Heblushed,andrepliedthathisexpenseswereratherheavyandthatitwouldprobablybewithintwoyears,perhapssooner,ifhishealthwouldpermithimtodosomeextraworkwhichwouldbringinenoughtoprovideherdowry;thattherewasawell-to-dofamilyinthecountry,whoseeldestsonwashersweetheart;thattheywerealmostagreedonit,andthatfortunewouldonedaycome,likesleep,withoutthinkingofit;thathehadsetasideforhissisterapartofthemoneyleftbytheirfather;thattheirmotherwasopposedtoit,butthathewouldinsistonit;thatayoungmancanlivefromhandtomouth,butthatthefateofayounggirlisfixedonthedayofhermarriage.Thus,littlebylittle,heexpressedwhatwasinhisheart,andIwatchedBrigittelisteningtohim.Then,whenhearosetoleaveus,Iaccompaniedhimtothedoor,andstoodthere,pensivelylisteningtothesoundofhisfootstepsonthestairs.

Uponexaminingourtrunkswefoundthattherewerestillafewthingsneededbeforewecouldstart;Smithwasaskedtopurchasethem.Hewasremarkablyactive,andenjoyedattendingtomattersofthiskind.WhenIreturnedtomyapartments,Ifoundhimonthefloor,strappingatrunk.Brigittewasatthepianowehadrentedbytheweekduringourstay.Shewasplayingoneofthoseoldairsintowhichsheputsomuchexpression,andwhichweresodeartous.Istoppedinthehall;everynotereachedmyeardistinctly;neverhadshesungsosadly,sodivinely.

Smithwaslisteningwithpleasure;hewasonhiskneesholdingthebuckleofthestrapinhishands.Hefastenedit,thenlookedabouttheroomattheothergoodshehadpackedandcoveredwithalinencloth.Satisfiedwithhiswork,hestillremainedkneelinginthesamespot;Brigitte,herhandsonthekeys,waslookingoutatthehorizon.ForthesecondtimeIsawtearsfallfromtheyoungman'seyes;Iwasreadytoshedtearsmyself,andnotknowingwhatwaspassinginme,Iheldoutmyhandtohim.

"Wereyouthere?"askedBrigitte.Shetrembledandseemedsurprised.

"Yes,Iwasthere,"Ireplied."Sing,mydear,Ibegofyou.Letmehear

yoursweetvoice."

Shecontinuedhersongwithoutaword;shenoticedmyemotionaswellasSmith's;hervoicefaltered.Withthelastnotesshearose,andcametomeandkissedme.

OnanotheroccasionIhadbroughtanalbumcontainingviewsofSwitzerland.Wewerelookingatthem,allthreeofus,andwhenBrigittefoundascenethatpleasedher,shewouldstoptoexamineit.Therewasoneviewthatseemedtoattracthermorethantheothers;itwasacertainspotinthecantonofVaud,somedistancefromBrigues;sometreeswithcowsgrazingintheshade;inthedistanceavillageconsistingofsomedozenhouses,scatteredhereandthere.Inthe

foregroundayounggirlwithalargestrawhat,seatedunderatree,andafarmer'sboystandingbeforeher,apparentlypointingout,withhisiron-tippedstick,therouteoverwhichhehadcome;hewasdirectingherattentiontoawindingpaththatledtothemountain.AbovethemweretheAlps,andthepicturewascrownedbythreesnow-cappedsummits.Nothingcouldbemoresimpleormorebeautifulthanthislandscape.Thevalleyresembledalakeofverdure,andtheeyefolloweditscontourwithdelight.

"Shallwegothere?"IaskedBrigitte.Itookapencilandtracedsome

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figuresonthepicture.

"Whatareyoudoing?"sheasked.

"IamtryingtoseeifIcannotchangethatfaceslightlyandmakeitresembleyours.Theprettyhatwouldbecomeyou,andcanInot,ifIamskilful,givethatfinemountaineersomeresemblancetome?"

Thewhimseemedtopleaseherandshesetaboutrubbingoutthetwofaces.WhenIhadpaintedherportrait,shewishedtotrymine.Thefaceswereverysmall,hencenotverydifficult;itwasagreedthatthelikenesseswerestriking.Whilewewerelaughingatit,thedooropenedandIwascalledawaybytheservant.

WhenIreturned,Smithwasleaningonthetableandlookingatthepicturewithinterest.Hewasabsorbedinaprofoundrevery,andwasnotawareofmypresence;Isatdownnearthefire,anditwasnotuntilIspoketoBrigittethatheraisedhishead.Helookedatusamoment,thenhastilytookhisleaveand,asheapproachedthedoor,Isawhimstrikehisforeheadwithhishand.

WhenIsawthesesignsofgrief,Isaidtomyself"Whatdoesitmean?"ThenIclaspedmyhandstopleadwith--whom?Idonotknow;perhapsmygoodangel,perhapsmyevilfate.

CHAPTERIV.INTHEFURNACE

MyheartyearnedtosetoutandyetIdelayed;somesecretinfluencerootedmetothespot.

WhenSmithcameIknewnoreposefromthetimeheenteredtheroom.Howisitthatsometimesweseemtoenjoyunhappiness?

Onedayaword,aflush,aglance,mademeshudder;anotherday,another

glance,anotherword,threwmeintouncertainty.Whyweretheybothsosad?WhywasIasmotionlessasastatuewhereIhadformerlybeenviolent?EveryeveninginbedIsaidtomyself:"Letmesee;letmethinkthatover."ThenIwouldspringup,crying:"Impossible!"ThenextdayIdidthesamething.

InSmith'spresence,Brigittetreatedmewithmoretendernessthanwhenwewerealone.Ithappenedoneeveningthatsomehardwordsescapedus;whensheheardhisvoiceinthehallshecameandsatonmyknees.Asforhim,itseemedtomehewasalwaysmakinganefforttocontrolhimself.Hisgestureswerecarefullyregulated;hespokeslowlyandprudently,sothathisoccasionalmomentsofforgetfulnessseemedallthemorestriking.

Wasitcuriositythattormentedme?IrememberthatonedayIsawamandrowningnearthePontRoyal.Itwasmidsummerandwewererowingontheriver;somethirtyboatswerecrowdedtogetherunderthebridge,whensuddenlyoneoftheoccupantsofaboatnearminethrewuphishandsandfelloverboard.Weimmediatelybegandivingforhim,butinvain;somehourslaterthebodywasfoundunderaraft.

IshallneverforgetmyexperienceasIwasdivingforthatman.Iopenedmyeyesunderthewaterandsearchedpainfullyhereandthere

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inthedarkcornersaboutthepier;thenIreturnedtothesurfaceforbreath,thenresumedmyhorriblesearch.Iwasfilledwithhopeandterror;thethoughtthatImightfeelmyselfseizedbyconvulsivearmsalluredme,andatthesametimethrilledmewithhorror;whenIwasexhaustedwithfatigue,Iclimbedbackintomyboat.

Unlessamanisbrutalizedbydebauchery,eagercuriosityisoneofhismarkedtraits.IhavealreadyremarkedthatIfeltitontheoccasionofmyfirstvisittoDesgenais.Iwillexplainmymeaning.

Thetruth,thatskeletonofappearances,ordainsthateveryman,whatsoeverhebe,shallcome,inhisdayandhour,totouchthebonesthatlieforeveratthebottomofsomechanceexperience.Itiscalled"knowingtheworld,"andexperienceispurchasedatthatprice.Somerecoilinterrorbeforethattest;others,feebleandaffrighted,vacillatelikeshadows.Some,thebestperhaps,dieatonce.Thelargenumberforget,andthusallfloatontodeath.

Buttherearesomemen,who,atthefellstrokeofchance,neitherdienorforget;whenitcomestheirturntotouchmisfortune,otherwisecalledtruth,theyapproachitwithafirmstepandoutstretchedhand,and,horribletosay!theymistakeloveforthelividcorpsetheyhavefoundatthebottomoftheriver.Theyseizeit,feelit,claspitintheirarms;theyaredrunkwiththedesiretoknow;theynolongerlook

withinterestuponthings,excepttoseethempass;theydonothingexceptdoubtandtest;theyransacktheworldasthoughtheywereGod'sspies;theysharpentheirthoughtsintoarrows,andgivebirthtoamonster.

Roues,morethanallothers,areexposedtothatfury,andthereasonisverysimple:ordinarylifeisthelimpidsurface,thatoftheroueistherapidcurrentswirlingoverandover,andattimestouchingthebottom.Comingfromaball,forinstance,wheretheyhavedancedwithamodestgirl,theyseekthecompanyofbadcharacters,andspendthenightinriotousfeasting.Thelastwordstheyaddressedtoabeautifulandvirtuouswomanarestillontheirlips;theyrepeatthemandburstintolaughter.ShallIsayit?Dotheynotraise,forsomepiecesof

silver,thevestureofchastity,thatrobesofullofmystery,whichrespectsthebeingitembellishesandengirdsherwithouttouching?Whatideacantheyhaveoftheworld?Theyarelikecomediansinthegreenroom.Who,morethanthey,isskilledinthatdelvingtothebottomofthings,inthatgropingatonceprofoundandimpious?Seehowtheyspeakofeverything;alwaysintermsthemostbarren,crude,andabject;suchwordsappeartruetothem;therestisonlyparade,convention,prejudice.Letthemtellastory,letthemrecountsomeexperience,theywillalwaysusethesamedirtyandmaterialexpressions.Theydonotsay"Thatwomanlovedme;"theysay:"Ibetrayedthatwoman;"theydonotsay:"Ilove;"theysay,"Idesire;"theyneversay:"IfGodwills;"theysay:"IfIwill."Idonotknowwhattheythinkofthemselvesandofsuchmonologuesasthese.

Hence,ofanecessity,eitherfromidlenessorcuriosity,whiletheystrivetofindevilineverything,theydonotcomprehendthatothersstillbelieveinthegood.Thereforetheyhavetobesononchalantastostoptheirears,lestthehumofthebusyworldshouldsuddenlystartlethemfromsleep.Thefatherallowshissontogowheresomanyothersgo,whereCatohimselfwent;hesaysthatyouthisbutfleeting.Butwhenhereturns,theyouthlooksuponhissister;andseewhathastakenplaceinhimduringanhourpassedinthesocietyofbrutalreality!Hesaystohimself:"MysisterisnotlikethatcreatureIhavejustleft!"

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Andfromthatdayheisdisturbedanduneasy.

Sinfulcuriosityisavilemaladybornofimpurecontact.Itistheprowlinginstinctofphantomswhoraisethelidsoftombs;itisaninexplicabletorturewithwhichGodpunishesthosewhohavesinned;theywishtobelievethatallsinastheyhavedone,andwouldbedisappointedperhapstofindthatitwasnotso.Buttheyinquire,theysearch,theydispute;theywagtheirheadsfromsidetosideasdoesanarchitectwhoadjustsacolumn,andthusstrivetofindwhattheydesiretofind.Givenproofofevil,theylaughatit;doubtfulofevil,theyswearthatitexists;thegoodtheyrefusetorecognize."Whoknows?"Beholdthegrandformula,thefirstwordsthatSatanspokewhenhesawheavenclosingagainsthim.Alas!forhowmanyevilsarethosewordsresponsible?Howmanydisastersanddeaths,howmanystrokesoffatefulscythesintheripeningharvestofhumanity!Howmanyhearts,howmanyfamilieswherethereisnaughtbutruin,sincethatwordwasfirstheard!"Whoknows!Whoknows!"Loathsomewords!Ratherthanpronouncethemoneshouldbeassheepwhograzeabouttheslaughter-houseandknowitnot.Thatisbetterthantobecalledastrongspirit,andtoreadLaRochefoucauld.

WhatbetterillustrationcouldIpresentthantheoneIhavejustgiven?MymistresswasreadytosetoutandIhadbuttosaytheword.WhydidIdelay?WhatwouldhavebeentheresultifIhadstartedatonceon

ourtrip?Nothingbutamomentofapprehensionthatwouldhavebeenforgottenaftertravellingthreedays.Whenwithme,shehadnothoughtbutofme;whyshouldIcaretosolveamysterythatdidnotthreatenmyhappiness?

Shewouldhaveconsented,andthatwouldhavebeentheendofit.Akissonherlipsandallwouldbewell;insteadofthat,seewhatIdid.

OneeveningwhenSmithhaddinedwithus,Iretiredatanearlyhourandleftthemtogether.AsIclosedmydoorIheardBrigitteordersometea.InthemorningIhappenedtoapproachhertable,and,sittingbesidetheteapot,Isawbutonecup.Noonehadbeeninthatroombeforemethatmorning,sotheservantcouldnothavecarriedawayanythingthathad

beenusedthenightbefore.Isearchedeverywhereforasecondcupbutcouldfindnone.

"DidSmithstaylate?"IaskedofBrigitte.

"Heleftaboutmidnight."

"Didyouretirealoneordidyoucallsomeonetoassistyou?"

"Iretiredalone;everyoneinthehousewasasleep."

Icontinuedmysearchandmyhandstrembled.Inwhatburlesquecomedyisthereajealousloversostupidastoinquirewhathasbecomeofacup?

WhyseektodiscoverwhetherSmithandMadamePiersonhaddrunkfromthesamecup?Whatabrilliantideathat!

NeverthelessIfoundthecupandIburstintolaughter,andthrewitonthefloorwithsuchviolencethatitbrokeintoathousandpieces.Igroundthepiecesundermyfeet.

Brigittelookedatmewithoutsayingaword.Duringthetwosucceedingdaysshetreatedmewithacoldnessthathadsomethingofcontemptinit,andIsawthatshetreatedSmithwithmoredeferenceandkindness

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thanusual.ShecalledhimHenriandsmiledonhimsweetly.

"Ifeelthattheairwoulddomegood,"shesaidafterdinner;"shallwegototheopera,Octave?Iwouldenjoywalkingthatfar."

"No,Iwillstayhere;gowithoutme."ShetookSmith'sarmandwentout.Iremainedaloneallevening;Ihadpaperbeforeme,andwastryingtocollectmythoughtsinordertowrite,butinvain.

Asalonelyloverdrawsfromhisbosomaletterfromhismistress,andloseshimselfindelightfulrevery,thusIshutmyselfupinsolitudeandyieldedtothesweetallurementofdoubt.BeforemewerethetwoemptyseatswhichBrigitteandSmithhadjustoccupied;Iscrutinizedthemanxiouslyasiftheycouldtellmesomething.IrevolvedinmymindallthethingsIhadheardandseen;fromtimetotimeIwenttothedoorandcastmyeyesoverourtrunkswhichhadbeenpiledagainstthewallforamonth;Iopenedthemandexaminedthecontentssocarefullypackedawaybythosedelicatelittlehands;Ilistenedtothesoundofpassingcarriages;theslightestnoisemademetremble.IspreadoutonthetableourmapofEurope,andthere,intheverypresenceofallmyhopes,inthatroomwhereIhadconceivedandhadsonearlyrealizedthem,Iabandonedmyselftothemostfrightfulpresentiments.

But,strangeasitmayseem,Ifeltneitherangernorjealousy,buta

terriblesenseofsorrowandforeboding.Ididnotsuspect,andyetIdoubted.Themindofmanissostrangelyformedthat,withwhatheseesandinspiteofwhathesees,hecanconjureupahundredobjectsofwoe.IntruthhisbrainresemblesthedungeonsoftheInquisition,wherethewallsarecoveredwithsomanyinstrumentsoftorturethatoneisdazed,andaskswhetherthesehorriblecontrivancesheseesbeforehimarepincersorplaythings.Tellme,Isay,whatdifferenceisthereinsayingtomymistress:"Allwomendeceive,"or,"Youdeceiveme?"

Whatpassedthroughmymindwasperhapsassubtleasthefinestsophistry;itwasasortofdialoguebetweenthemindandtheconscience."IfIshouldloseBrigitte?"Isaidtothemind."Shedepartswithyou,"saidtheconscience."Ifshedeceivesme?"--"Howcan

shedeceiveyou?Hasshenotmadeoutherwillaskingforprayersforyou?"--"IfSmithlovesher?"--"Fool!Whatdoesitmattersolongasyouknowthatshelovesyou?"--"Ifshelovesmewhyisshesad?"--"Thatishersecret,respectit."--"IfItakeherawaywithme,willshebehappy?"--"Loveherandshewillbe."--"Why,whenthatmanlooksather,doessheseemtofeartomeethisglance?"--"Becausesheisawomanandheisyoung."--"Whydoesthatyoungmanturnpalewhenshelooksathim?"--"Becauseheisamanandsheisbeautiful."--"Why,whenIwenttoseehimdidhethrowhimselfintomyarms,andwhydidheweepandbeathisheadwithhishands?"--"Donotseektoknowwhatyoumustremainignorantof."--"WhycanInotknowthesethings?"--"Becauseyouaremiserableandweak,andallmysteryisofGod."

"ButwhyisitthatIsuffer?Whyisitthatmysoulrecoilsinterror?"--"Thinkofyourfatheranddogood."--"ButwhyamIunabletodoashedid?Whydoesevilattractmetoitself?"--"Getdownonyourkneesandconfess;ifyoubelieveinevilitisbecauseyourwayshavebeenevil."--"Ifmywayswereevil,wasitmyfault?Whydidthegoodbetrayme?"--"Becauseyouareintheshadow,wouldyoudenytheexistenceoflight?Iftherearetraitors,whyareyouoneofthem?"--"BecauseIamafraidofbecomingthedupe."--"Whydoyouspendyournightsinwatching?Whyareyoualonenow?"--"BecauseIthink,Idoubt,andIfear."--"Whenwillyouofferyourprayer?"--"WhenI

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believe.Whyhavetheyliedtome?"--"Whydoyoulie,coward!atthisverymoment?Whynotdieifyoucannotsuffer?"

Thusspokeandgroanedwithinmetwovoices,voicesthatweredefiantandterrible;andthenathirdvoicecriedout!"Alas!Alas!myinnocence!Alas!Alas!thedaysthatwere!"

CHAPTERV.TRUTHATLAST

Whatafrightfulweaponishumanthought!Itisourdefenseandoursafeguard,themostpreciousgiftthatGodhasmadeus.Itisoursanditobeysus;wemaylaunchitforthintospace,but,onceoutsideofourfeeblebrains,itisgone;wecannolongercontrolit.

WhileIwasdeferringthetimeofourdeparturefromdaytodayIwasgraduallylosingstrength,and,althoughIdidnotperceiveit,myvitalforceswereslowlywastingaway.WhenIsatattableIexperiencedaviolentdistasteforfood;atnighttwopalefaces,thoseofBrigitteandSmith,pursuedmethroughfrightfuldreams.WhentheywenttothetheatreintheeveningIrefusedtogowiththem;thenIwentalone,concealedmyselfintheparquet,andwatchedthem.IpretendedthatI

hadsomebusinesstoattendtoinaneighboringroomandsatthereanhourandlistenedtothem.TheideaoccurredtometoseekaquarrelwithSmithandforcehimtofightwithme;Iturnedmybackonhimwhilehewastalking;thenhecametomewithalookofsurpriseonhisface,holdingouthishand.WhenIwasaloneinthenightandeveryoneslept,IfeltastrongdesiretogotoBrigitte'sdeskandtakefromitherpapers.OnoneoccasionIwasobligedtogooutofthehouseinordertoresistthetemptation.OnedayIfeltlikearmingmyselfwithaknifeandthreateningtokillthemiftheydidnottellmewhytheyweresosad;anotherdayIturnedallthisfuryagainstmyself.WithwhatshamedoIwriteit!AndifanyoneshouldaskmewhyIactedthus,Icouldnotreply.

Tosee,todoubt,tosearch,totorturemyselfandmakemyselfmiserable,topassentiredayswithmyearatthekeyhole,andthenightinafloodoftears,torepeatoverandoverthatIshoulddieofsorrow,tofeelisolationandfeeblenessuprootinghopeinmyheart,toimaginethatIwasspyingwhenIwasonlylisteningtothefeverishbeatingofmyownpulse;toconoverstupidphrases,suchas:"Lifeisadream,thereisnothingstableherebelow;"tocurseandblasphemeGodthroughmiseryandthroughcaprice:thatwasmyjoy,thepreciousoccupationforwhichIrenouncedlove,theairofheaven,andliberty!

EternalGod,liberty!Yes,therewerecertainmomentswhen,inspiteofall,Istillthoughtofit.Inthemidstofmymadness,eccentricity,andstupidity,therewerewithinmecertainimpulsesthatattimes

broughtmetomyself.ItwasabreathofairwhichstruckmyfaceasIcamefrommydungeon;itwasapageofabookIreadwhen,inmybitterdays,Ihappenedtoreadsomethingbesidesthosemodernsycophantscalledpamphleteers,who,outofregardforthepublichealth,oughttobepreventedfromindulgingintheircrudephilosophizings.SinceIhavereferredtothesegoodmoments,letmementiononeofthem,theyweresorare.OneeveningIwasreadingtheMemoirsofConstant;Icametothefollowinglines:

"Salsdorf,aSaxonsurgeonattachedtoPrinceChristian,hadhisleg

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brokenbyashellinthebattleofWagram.Helayalmostlifelessonthedustyfield.Fifteenpacesdistant,AmedeeofKerbourg,aide-de-camp(Ihaveforgottentowhom),woundedinthebreastbyabullet,felltothegroundvomitingblood.Salsdorfsawthatifthatyoungmanwasnotcaredforhewoulddieofsuffusion;summoningallhispowers,hepainfullydraggedhimselftothesideofthewoundedman,attendedtohimandsavedhislife.Salsdorfhimselfdiedfourdayslaterfromtheeffectsofamputation."

WhenIreadthesewordsIthrewdownmybook,andmeltedintotears.

Idonotregretthosetears,fortheyweresuchasIcouldshedonlywhenmyheartwasright;IdonotspeakmerelyofSalsdorf,anddonotcareforthatparticularinstance.Iamsure,however,thatIdidnotsuspectanyonethatday.Poordreamer!OughtItorememberthatIhavebeenotherthanIam?WhatgoodwillitdomeasIstretchoutmyarmsinanguishtoheavenandwaitfortheboltthatwilldelivermeforever?Alas!itwasonlyagleamthatflashedacrossthenightofmylife.

Likethosedervishfanaticswhofindecstasyinvertigo,sothought,turningonitself,exhaustedbythestressofintrospectionandtiredofvaineffort,fallsterror-stricken.Soitwouldseemthatmanmustbeavoidandthatbydintofdelvinguntohimselfhereachesthelastturnofaspiral.There,asonthesummitsofmountainsandatthebottomof

mines,airfails,andGodforbidsmantogofarther.Then,struckwithamortalchill,theheart,asifimpairedbyoblivion,seekstoescapeintoanewbirth;itdemandslifeofthatwhichenvironsit,iteagerlydrinksintheair;butitfindsroundaboutonlyitsownchimeras,whichhaveexhausteditsfailingpowersandwhich,self-created,surrounditlikepitilessspectres.

Thiscouldnotlastlong.Tiredofuncertainty,Iresolvedtoresorttoatestthatwoulddiscoverthetruth.

Iorderedpost-horsesfortenintheevening.WehadhiredacalecheandIgavedirectionsthatallshouldbereadyatthehourindicated.AtthesametimeIaskedthatnothingbesaidtoMadamePierson.Smithcameto

dinner;atthetableIaffectedunusualcheerfulness,andwithoutawordaboutmyplans,Iturnedtheconversationtoourjourney.Iwouldrenounceallideaofgoingaway,Isaid,ifIthoughtBrigittedidnotcaretogo;IwassowellsatisfiedwithParisthatIaskednothingbetterthantoremainaslongasshepleased.Imademuchofallthepleasuresofthecity;Ispokeoftheballs,thetheatres,ofthemanyopportunitiesfordiversiononeveryhand.Inshort,sincewewerehappyIdidnotseewhyweshouldmakeachange;andIdidnotthinkofgoingawayatpresent.

IwasexpectinghertoinsistthatwecarryoutourplanofgoingtoGeneva,andwasnotdisappointed.However,sheinsistedbutfeebly;but,afterafewwords,Ipretendedtoyield,andthenchangingthesubjectI

spokeofotherthings,asthoughitwasallsettled.

"AndwhywillnotSmithgowithus?"Iasked."Itisverytruethathehasdutieshere,butcanhenotobtainleaveofabsence?Moreover,willnotthetalentshepossessesandwhichheisunwillingtouse,assurehimanhonorablelivinganywhere?Lethimcomealongwithus;thecarriageislargeandweofferhimaplaceinit.Ayoungmanshouldseetheworld,andthereisnothingsoirksomeforamanofhisageasconfinementinanofficeandrestrictiontoanarrowcircle.Isitnottrue?"Iasked,turningtoBrigitte."Come,mydear,letyourwiles

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obtainfromhimwhathemightrefuseme;urgehimtogiveussixweeksofhistime.Wewilltraveltogether,andafteratourofSwitzerlandhewillreturntohisdutieswithnewlife."

Brigittejoinedherentreatiestomine,althoughsheknewitwasonlyajokeonmypart.SmithcouldnotleavePariswithoutdangeroflosinghisposition,andrepliedthatheregrettedbeingobligedtodenyhimselfthepleasureofaccompanyingus.NeverthelessIcontinuedtopresshim,and,orderinganotherbottleofwine,Irepeatedmyinvitation.AfterdinnerIwentouttoassuremyselfthatmyorderswerecarriedout;thenIreturnedinhighspirits,andseatingmyselfatthepianoIproposedsomemusic.

"Letuspasstheeveninghere,"Isaid;"believeme,itisbetterthangoingtothetheatre;Icannottakepartmyself,butIcanlisten.WewillmakeSmithplayifhetiresofourcompany,andthetimewillpasspleasantly."

Brigitteconsentedwithgoodgraceandbegansingingforus;Smithaccompaniedheronthevioloncello.Thematerialsforabowlofpunchwerebroughtandtheflameofburningrumsooncheereduswithvariedlights.Thepianowasabandonedforthetable;thenwehadcards;everythingpassedoffasIwishedandwesucceededindivertingourselvestomyheart'scontent.

Ihadmyeyesfixedontheclockandwaitedimpatientlyforthehandstomarkthehouroften.Iwastormentedwithanxiety,butallowedthemtoseenothing.Finallythehourarrived;Iheardthepostilion'swhipasthehorsesenteredthecourt.Brigittewasseatednearme;Itookherbythehandandaskedherifshewasreadytodepart.Shelookedatmewithsurprise,doubtlesswonderingifIwasnotjoking.ItoldherthatatdinnershehadappearedsoanxioustogothatIhadfeltjustifiedinsendingforthehorses,andthatIwentoutforthatpurposewhenIleftthetable.

"Areyouserious?"askedBrigitte;"doyouwishtosetoutto-night?"

"Whynot?"Ireplied,"sincewehaveagreedthatweoughttoleaveParis?"

"What!now?Atthisverymoment?"

"Certainly;havewenotbeenreadyforamonth?Youseethereisnothingtodobutloadourtrunksonthecarriage;aswehavedecidedtogo,oughtwenotgoatonce?Ibelieveitisbettertogonowandputoffnothinguntiltomorrow.Youareinthehumortotravelto-nightandIhastentoprofitbyit.Whywaitlongerandcontinuetoputitoff?Icannotendurethislife.Youwishtogo,doyounot?Verywell,letusgoandbedonewithit."

Profoundsilenceensued.Brigittesteppedtothewindowandsatisfiedherselfthatthecarriagewasthere.Moreover,thetoneinwhichIspokewouldadmitofnodoubt,and,howeverhastymyactionmayappeartoher,itwasduetoherownexpresseddesire.Shecouldnotdenyherownwords,norfindanypretextforfurtherdelay.Herdecisionwasmadepromptly;sheaskedafewquestionsasthoughtoassureherselfthatallthepreparationshadbeenmade;seeingthatnothinghadbeenomitted,shebegantosearchhereandthere.Shefoundherhatandshawl,thencontinuedhersearch.

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"Iamready,"shesaid;"shallwego?Wearereallygoing?"

Shetookalight,wenttomyroom,toherown,openedlockersandclosets.Sheaskedforthekeytohersecretarywhichshesaidshehadlost.Wherecouldthatkeybe?Shehaditinherpossessionnotanhourago.

"Come,come!Iamready,"sherepeatedinextremeagitation;"letusgo,Octave,letussetoutatonce."

Whilespeakingshecontinuedhersearchandthencameandsatdownnearus.

IwasseatedonthesofawatchingSmith,whostoodbeforeme.Hehadnotchangedcountenanceandseemedneithertroublednorsurprised;buttwodropsofsweattrickleddownhisforehead,andIheardanivorycountercrackbetweenhisfingers,thepiecesfallingtothefloor.Heheldoutbothhandstous.

"Bonvoyage,myfriends!"hesaid.

Againsilence;Iwasstillwatchinghim,waitingforhimtoaddaword."Ifthereissomesecrethere,"thoughtI,"whenshallIlearnit,ifnotnow?Itmustbeonthelipsofbothofthem.Letitbutcomeout

intothelightandIwillseizeit."

"MydearOctave,"saidBrigitte,"wherearewetostop?Youwillwritetous,Henri,willyounot?Youwillnotforgetmyrelativesandwilldowhatyoucanforme?"Herepliedinavoicethattrembledslightlythathewoulddoallinhispowertoserveher.

"Icananswerfornothing,"hesaid,"and,judgingfromthelettersyouhavereceived,thereisnotmuchhope.ButitwillnotbemyfaultifIdonotsendyougoodnews.Countonme,Iamdevotedtoyou."

Afterafewmorekindwordshemadereadytotakehisdeparture.Iaroseandlefttheroombeforehim;Iwishedtoleavethemtogetheramoment

forthelasttimeand,assoonasIhadclosedthedoorbehindme,inaperfectrageofjealousy,Ipressedmyeartothekeyhole.

"WhenshallIseeyouagain?"heasked.

"Never,"repliedBrigitte;"adieu,Henri."Sheheldoutherhand.Hebentoverit,pressedittohislipsandIhadbarelytimetoslipintoacornerashepassedoutwithoutseeingme.

AlonewithBrigitte,myheartsankwithinme.Shewaswaitingforme,hershawlonherarm,andemotionplainlymarkedonherface.Shehadfoundthekeyshehadbeenlookingforandherdeskwasopen.Ireturnedandsatdownnearthefire."Listentome,"Isaid,withoutdaringto

lookather;"IhavebeensoculpableinmytreatmentofyouthatIoughttowaitandsufferwithoutawordofcomplaint.ThechangewhichhastakenplaceinyouhasthrownmeintosuchdespairthatIhavenotbeenabletorefrainfromaskingyouthecause;butto-dayIasknothingmore.Doesitcostyouanefforttodepart?Tellme,andifsoIamresigned."

"Letusgo,letusgo!"shereplied.

"Asyouplease,butbefrank;whateverblowImayreceive,Ioughtnot

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toaskwhenceitcomes;Ishouldsubmitwithoutamurmur.ButifIloseyou,donotspeaktomeofhope,forGodknowsIwillnotsurvivetheloss."

Sheturnedonmelikeaflash.

"Speaktomeofyourlove,"shesaid,"notofyourgrief."

"Verywell,Iloveyoumorethanlife.Besidemylove,mygriefisbutadream.Comewithmetotheendoftheworld,IwilldieorIwilllivewithyou."

WiththesewordsIadvancedtowardher;sheturnedpaleandrecoiled.Shemadeavainefforttoforceasmileonhercontractedlips,andsittingdownbeforeherdeskshesaid:

"Onemoment;IhavesomepapershereIwanttoburn."

SheshowedmethelettersfromN------,torethemupandthrewthemintothefire;shethentookoutotherpaperswhichsherereadandthenspreadoutonthetable.Theywerebillsofpurchasesshehadmadeandsomeofthemwerestillunpaid.Whileexaminingthemshebegantotalkrapidly,whilehercheeksburnedasifwithfever.Thenshebeggedmypardonforherobstinatesilenceandherconductsinceourarrival.

Shegaveevidenceofmoretenderness,moreconfidencethanever.Sheclappedherhandsgleefullyattheprospectofahappyjourney;inshort,shewasalllove,oratleastapparentlyalllove.IcannottellhowIsufferedatthesightofthatfactitiousjoy;therewasinthatgriefwhichcrazedhersomethingmoresadthantearsandmorebitterthanreproaches.Iwouldhavepreferredtohavehercoldandindifferentratherthanthusexcited;itseemedtomeaparodyofourhappiestmoments.Therewerethesamewords,thesamewoman,thesamecaresses;andthatwhich,fifteendaysbeforewouldhaveintoxicatedmewithloveandhappiness,repeatedthus,filledmewithhorror.

"Brigitte,"Isuddenlyinquired,"whatsecretareyouconcealingfrom

me?Ifyouloveme,whathorriblecomedyisthisyouareenactingbeforeme?"

"I!"saidshe,almostoffended."WhatmakesyouthinkIamacting?"

"Whatmakesmethinkso?Tellme,mydear,thatyouhavedeathinyoursoulandthatyouaresufferingmartyrdom.Beholdmyarmsarereadytoreceiveyou;leanyourheadonmeandweep.ThenIwilltakeyouaway,perhaps;butintruth,notthus."

"Letusgo,letusgo!"sheagainrepeated.

"No,onmysoul!No,notatpresent;no,notwhilethereisbetweenus

alieoramask.Ilikeunhappinessbetterthansuchcheerfulnessasyours."

Shewassilent,astonishedtoseethatIhadnotbeendeceivedbyherwordsandmannerandthatIsawthroughthemboth.

"Whyshouldwedeludeourselves?"Icontinued.

"HaveIfallensolowinyouresteemthatyoucandissimulatebeforeme?Thatunfortunatejourney,youthinkyouarecondemnedtoit,doyou?

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AmIatyrant,anabsolutemaster?AmIanexecutionerwhodragsyoutopunishment?Howmuchdoyoufearmywrathwhenyoucomebeforemewithsuchmimicry?Whatterrorimpelsyoutoliethus?"

"Youarewrong,"shereplied;"Ibegofyou,notawordmore."

"Whysolittlesincerity?IfIamnotyourconfidant,mayInotatleastbeyourfriend?IfIamdeniedallknowledgeofthesourceofyourtears,mayInotatleastseethemflow?HaveyounotenoughconfidenceinmetobelievethatIwillrespectyoursorrow?WhathaveIdonethatIshouldbeignorantofit?Mightnottheremedylierightthere?"

"No,"shereplied,"youarewrong;youwillachieveyourownunhappinessaswellasmineifyoupressmefarther.Isitnotenoughthatwearegoingaway?"

"Anddoyouexpectmetodragyouawayagainstyourwill?Isitnotevidentthatyouhaveconsentedreluctantly,andthatyoualreadybegintorepent?GreatGod!Whatisityouareconcealingfromme?Whatistheuseofplayingwithwordswhenyourthoughtsareasclearasthatglassbeforewhichyoustand?ShouldInotbethemeanestofmentoacceptatyourhandswhatisyieldedwithsomuchregret?AndyethowcanIrefuseit?WhatcanIdoifyourefusetospeak?"

"No,Idonotopposeyou,youaremistaken;Iloveyou,Octave;ceasetormentingmethus."

ShethrewsomuchtendernessintothesewordsthatIfelldownonmykneesbeforeher.Whocouldresistherglanceandhervoice?

"MyGod!"Icried,"youloveme,Brigitte?Mydearmistress,youloveme?"

"Yes,Iloveyou;yes.Ibelongtoyou;dowithmewhatyouwill.Iwillfollowyou,letusgoawaytogether;come,Octave,thecarriageiswaiting."

Shepressedmyhandinhers,andkissedmyforehead.

"Yes,itmustbe,"shemurmured,"itmustbe."

"Itmustbe,"Irepeatedtomyself.Iarose.

OnthetablethereremainedonlyonepieceofpaperthatBrigittewasexamining.Shepickeditup,thenallowedittodroptothefloor.

"Isthatall?"Iasked.

"Yes,thatisall."

WhenIorderedthehorsesIhadnoideathatwewouldreallygo,Iwishedmerelytomakeatrial,butcircumstancesbidfairtoforcemetocarrymyplansfartherthanIatfirstintended.Iopenedthedoor.

"Itmustbe!"Isaidtomyself."Itmustbe!"Irepeatedaloud.

"Whatdoyoumeanbythat,Brigitte?WhatisthereinthosewordsthatIdonotunderstand?Explainyourself,orIwillnotgo.Whymustyouloveme?"

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Shefellonthesofaandwrungherhandsingrief.

"Ah!Unhappyman!"shecried,"youwillneverknowhowtolove!"

"Yes,Ithinkyouareright,but,beforeGod,Iknowhowtosuffer.Youmustloveme,mustyounot?Verywell,thenyoumustanswerme.WereItoloseyouforever,werethesewallstocrumbleovermyhead,IwillnotleavethisspotuntilIhavesolvedthemysterythathasbeentorturingmeformorethanamonth.Speak,orIwillleaveyou.Imaybeafoolwhodestroyshisownhappiness;Imaybedemandingsomethingthatisnotformetopossess;itmaybethatanexplanationwillseparateusandraisebeforemeaninsurmountablebarrier,whichwillrenderourtour,onwhichIhavesetmyheart,impossible;whateveritmaycostyouandme,youshallspeakorIwillrenounceeverything."

"No,Iwillnotspeak."

"Youwillspeak!DoyoufondlyimagineIamthedupeofyourlies?WhenIseeyouchangebetweenmorningandeveninguntilyoudiffermorefromyournaturalselfthandoesnightfromday,doyouthinkIamdeceived?Whenyougivemeasacausesomelettersthatarenotworththetroubleofreading,doyouimaginethatIamtobeputoffwiththefirstpretextthatcomestohandbecauseyoudonotchoosetoseekanother?Isyourfacemadeofplaster,thatitisdifficulttoseewhatispassing

inyourheart?Whatisyouropinionofme?Idonotdeceivemyselfasmuchasyousuppose,andtakecarelestindefaultofwordsyoursilencediscloseswhatyousoobstinatelyconceal."

"WhatdoyouimagineIamconcealing?"

"WhatdoIimagine?Youaskmethat!Isittobravemeyouasksuchaquestion!Doyouthinktomakemedesperateandthusgetridofme?Yes,Iadmitit,offendedprideiscapableofdrivingmetoextremes.IfIshouldexplainmyselffreely,youwouldhaveatyourserviceallfemininehypocrisy;youhopethatIwillaccuseyou,sothatyoucanreplythatsuchawomanasyoudoesnotstooptojustifyherself.Howskilfullythemostguiltyandtreacherousofyoursexcontrivetouse

prouddisdainasashield!Yourgreatweaponissilence;Ididnotlearnthatyesterday.Youwishtobeinsultedandyouholdyourtongueuntilitcomestothat.Come,struggleagainstmyheart--whereyoursbeatsyouwillfindit;butdonotstruggleagainstmyhead,itisharderthaniron,andithasservedmeaslongasyours!"

"Poorboy!"murmuredBrigitte;"youdonotwanttogo?"

"No,Ishallnotgoexceptwithmybeloved,andyouarenotthatnow.Ihavestruggled,Ihavesuffered,Ihaveeatenmyownheartlongenough.Itistimefordaytobreak,Ihavelovedlongenoughinthenight.Yesorno,willyouanswerme?"

"No."

"Asyouplease;Iwillwait."

Isatdownontheothersideoftheroom,determinednottoriseuntilIhadlearnedwhatIwishedtoknow.Sheappearedtobereflecting,andwalkedbackandforthbeforeme.

Ifollowedherwithaneagereye,whilehersilencegraduallyincreasedmyanger.Iwasunwillingtohaveherperceiveitandwasundecidedwhat

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todo.Iopenedthewindow.

"Youmaydriveoff,"Icalledtothosebelow,"andIwillseethatyouarepaid.Ishallnotstartto-night."

"Poorboy!"repeatedBrigitte.IquietlyclosedthewindowandsatdownasifIhadnotheardher;butIwassofuriouswithragethatIcouldhardlyrestrainmyself.Thatcoldsilence,thatnegativeforce,exasperatedmetothelastpoint.HadIbeenreallydeceivedandconvincedoftheguiltofawomanIlovedIcouldnothavesufferedmore.AsIhadcondemnedmyselftoremaininParis,IreflectedthatImustcompelBrigittetospeakatanyprice.InvainItriedtothinkofsomemeansofforcinghertoenlightenme;forsuchpowerIwouldhavegivenallIpossessed.WhatcouldIdoorsay?Shesattherecalmandunruffled,lookingatmewithsadness.Iheardthesoundofthehorses'hoofsonthepavingasthecarriagedrewoutofthecourt.Ihadmerelytoturnmyhandtocallthemback,butitseemedtomethattherewassomethingirrevocableabouttheirdeparture.Islippedtheboltonthedoor;somethingwhisperedinmyear:"Youarefacetofacewiththewomanwhomustgiveyoulifeordeath."

WhilethusburiedinthoughtItriedtoinventsomeexpedientthatwouldleadtothetruth.IrecalledoneofDiderot'sromancesinwhichawoman,jealousofherlover,resortedtoanovelplan,forthepurpose

ofclearingawayherdoubts.Shetoldhimthatshenolongerlovedhimandthatshewishedtoleavehim.TheMarquisdesArcis(thenameofthelover)fallsintothetrap,andconfessesthathehimselfhastiredoftheliaison.Thatpieceofstrategy,whichIhadreadattooearlyanage,hadstruckmeasbeingveryskilful,andtherecollectionofitatthismomentmademesmile."Whoknows?"saidItomyself."IfIshouldtrythiswithBrigitte,shemightbedeceivedandtellmehersecret."

Myangerhadbecomefuriouswhentheideaofresortingtosuchtrickeryoccurredtome.Wasitsodifficulttomakeawomanspeakinspiteofherself?Thiswomanwasmymistress;ImustbeveryweakifIcouldnotgainmypoint.Iturnedoveronthesofawithanairofindifference.

"Verywell,mydear,"saidI,gayly,"thisisnotatimeforconfidences,then?"

Shelookedatmeinastonishment.

"Andyet,"Icontinued,"wemustsomedaycometothetruth.NowIbelieveitwouldbewelltobeginatonce;thatwillmakeyouconfiding,andthereisnothinglikeanunderstandingbetweenfriends."

DoubtlessmyfacebetrayedmeasIspokethesewords;Brigittedidnotappeartounderstandandkeptonwalkingupanddown.

"Doyouknow,"Iresumed,"thatwehavebeentogethernowsixmonths?

Thelifeweareleadingtogetherisnotonetobelaughedat.Youareyoung,Ialso;ifthiskindoflifeshouldbecomedistastefultoyou,areyouthewomantotellmeofit?Intruth,ifitwereso,Iwouldconfessittoyoufrankly.Andwhynot?Isitacrimetolove?Ifnot,itisnotacrimetolovelessortoceasetoloveatall.Woulditbeastonishingifatourageweshouldfeeltheneedofchange?"

Shestoppedme.

"Atourage!"saidshe."Areyouaddressingme?Whatcomedyareyounow

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playing,yourself?"

Bloodmountedtomyface.Iseizedherhand."Sitdownhere,"Isaid,"andlistentome."

"Whatistheuse?Itisnotyouwhospeak."

Ifeltashamedofmyownstrategyandabandonedit.

"Listentome,"Irepeated,"andcome,Ibegofyou,sitdownnearme.Ifyouwishtoremainsilentyourself,atleasthearwhatIhavetosay."

"Iamlistening,whathaveyoutosaytome?"

"Ifsomeoneshouldsaytome:'Youareacoward!'I,whoamtwenty-twoyearsofageandhavefoughtonthefieldofhonor,wouldthrowthetauntbackintheteethofmyaccuser.HaveInotwithinmetheconsciousnessofwhatIam?Itwouldbenecessaryformetomeetmyaccuseronthefield,andplaymylifeagainsthis;why?InordertoprovethatIamnotacoward;otherwisetheworldwouldbelieveit.Thatsingleworddemandsthatreplyeverytimeitisspoken,anditmattersnotbywhom."

"Itistrue;whatisyourmeaning?"

"Womendonotfight;butassocietyisconstitutedthereisnobeing,ofwhateversex,whooughttosubmittotheindignityinvolvedinanaspersiononallhisorherpastlife,bethatliferegulatedasbyapendulum.Reflect;whoescapesthatlaw?Therearesome,Iadmit;butwhathappens?Ifitisaman,dishonor;ifitisawoman,what?Forgiveness?Everyonewholovesoughttogivesomeevidenceoflife,someproofofexistence.Thereis,then,forwomanaswellasforman,atimewhenanattackmustberesented.Ifsheisbrave,sherises,announcesthatsheispresentandsitsdownagain.Astrokeoftheswordisnotforher.Shemustnotonlyavengeherself,butshemustforgeherownarms.Someonesuspectsher;who?Anoutsider?Shemayholdhimin

contempt--herloverwhomsheloves?Ifso,itisherlifethatisinquestion,andshemaynotdespisehim."

"Heronlyrecourseissilence."

"Youarewrong;theloverwhosuspectshercastsanaspersiononherentirelife.Iknowit.Herpleaisinhertears,herpastlife,herdevotionandherpatience.Whatwillhappenifsheremainssilent?Herloverwillloseherbyherownactandtimewilljustifyher.Isnotthatyourthought?"

"Perhaps;silencebeforeall."

"Perhaps,yousay?AssuredlyIwillloseyouifyoudonotspeak;myresolutionismade:Iamgoingawayalone."

"But,Octave--"

"But,"Icried,"timewilljustifyyou!Letusputanendtoit;yesorno?"

"Yes,Ihopeso."

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"Youhopeso!Willyouanswermedefinitely?Thisisdoubtlessthelasttimeyouwillhavetheopportunity.Youtellmethatyouloveme,andIbelieveit.Isuspectyou;isityourintentiontoallowmetogoawayandrelyontimetojustifyyou?"

"Ofwhatdoyoususpectme?"

"Idonotchoosetosay,forIseethatitwouldbeuseless.But,afterall,miseryformisery,atyourleisure;Iamaswellpleased.Youdeceiveme,youloveanother;thatisyoursecretandmine."

"Whoisit?"sheasked.

"Smith."

Sheplacedherhandonherlipsandturnedaside.Icouldsaynomore;wewerebothpensive,oureyesfixedonthefloor.

"Listentome,"shebeganwithaneffort,"Ihavesufferedmuch.IcallheaventobearmewitnessthatIwouldgivemylifeforyou.Solongasthefaintestgleamofhoperemains,Iamreadytosufferanything;but,althoughImayrouseyourangerinsayingtoyouthatIamawoman,Iamneverthelessawoman,myfriend.Wecannotgobeyondthelimitsofhumanendurance.BeyondacertainpointIwillnotanswerforthe

consequences.AllIcandoatthismomentistogetdownonmykneesbeforeyouandbeseechyounottogoaway."

Shekneltdownasshespoke.Iarose.

"FoolthatIam!"Imuttered,bitterly;"fool,totrytogetthetruthfromawoman!Hewhoundertakessuchataskwillearnnaughtbutderisionandwilldeserveit!Truth!Onlyhewhoconsortswithchambermaidsknowsit,onlyhewhostealstotheirpillowandlistenstotheunconsciousutteranceofadream,hearsit.Healoneknowsitwhomakesawomanofhimself,andinitiateshimselfintothesecretsofhercultofinconstancy!Butman,whoasksforitopenly,hewhoopensaloyalhandtoreceivethatfrightfulalms,hewillneverobtainit!They

areonguardwithhim;forreplyhereceivesashrugoftheshoulders,and,ifherouseshimselfinhisimpatience,theyriseinrighteousindignationlikeanoutragedvestal,whiletherefallsfromtheirlipsthegreatfeminineoraclethatsuspiciondestroyslove,andtheyrefusetopardonanaccusationwhichtheyareunabletomeet.Ah!justGod!HowwearyIam!Whenwillallthiscease?"

"Wheneveryouplease,"saidshe,coldly;"Iamastiredofitasyou."

"Atthisverymoment;Ileaveyouforever,andmaytimejustifyyou!Time!Time!Oh!whatacoldlover!Rememberthisadieu.Time!andthybeauty,andthylove,andthyhappiness,wherewilltheybe?Isitthus,withoutregret,youallowmetogo?Ah!thedaywhenthejealouslover

willknowthathehasbeenunjust,thedaywhenheshallseeproofs,hewillunderstandwhatahearthehaswounded,isitnotso?Hewillbewailhisshame,hewillknowneitherjoynorsleep;hewillliveonlyinthememoryofthetimewhenhemighthavebeenhappy.But,onthatday,hisproudmistresswillturnpaleassheseesherselfavenged;shewillsaytoherself:'IfIhadonlydoneitsooner!'Andbelieveme,ifsheloveshim,pridewillnotconsoleher."

Itriedtobecalm,butIwasnolongermasterofmyself,andIbegantopacethefloorasshehaddone.Therearecertainglancesthatresemble

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theclashingofdrawnswords;suchglancesBrigitteandIexchangedatthatmoment.Ilookedatherastheprisonerlooksonheratthedoorofhisdungeon.InordertobreakhersealedlipsandforcehertospeakIwouldgivemylifeandhers.

"Whatdoyoumean?"sheasked."Whatdoyouwishmetotellyou?"

"Whatyouhaveonyourheart.Areyoucruelenoughtomakemerepeatit?"

"Andyou,you,"shecried,"areyounotahundredtimesmorecruel?Ah!fool,asyousay,whowouldknowthetruth!FoolthatIshouldbeifIexpectedyoutobelieveit!Youwouldknowmysecret,andmysecretisthatIloveyou.FoolthatIam!youwillseekanother.Thatpallorofwhichyouarethecause,youaccuseit,youquestionit.Likeafool,Ihavetriedtosufferinsilence,toconsecratetoyoumyresignation;Ihavetriedtoconcealmytears;youhaveplayedthespy,andyouhavecountedthemaswitnessesagainstme.FoolthatIam!Ihavethoughtofcrossingseas,ofexilingmyselffromFrancewithyou,ofdyingfarfromallwhohavelovedme,leaningforsolesupportonaheartthatdoubtsme.FoolthatIam!Ithoughtthattruthhadaglance,anaccent,thatcouldnotbemistaken,thatwouldberespected!Ah!whenIthinkofit,tearschokeme.Why,ifitmusteverbethus,inducemetotakeastepthatwillforeverdestroymypeace?Myheadisconfused,Idonotknow

whereIam!"

Sheleanedonmeweeping."Fool!Fool!"sherepeated,inaheartrendingvoice.

"Andwhatisityouask?"shecontinued,"whatcanIdotomeetthosesuspicionsthatareeverbornanew,thatalterwithyourmoods?Imustjustifymyself,yousay!Forwhat?Forloving,fordying,fordespairing?AndifIassumeaforcedcheerfulness,eventhatcheerfulnessoffendsyou.Isacrificeeverythingtofollowyouandyouhavenotgonealeaguebeforeyoulookback.Always,everywhere,whateverImaydo,insultsandanger!"

"Ah!dearchild,ifyouknewwhatamortalchillcomesoverme,whatsufferingIendureinseeingmysimplestwordsthistakenupandhurledbackatmewithsuspicionandsarcasm!Bythatcourseyoudepriveyourselfoftheonlyhappinessthereisintheworld--perfectlove.Youkillalldelicateandloftysentimentintheheartsofthosewholoveyou;soonyouwillbelieveinnothingexceptthematerialandthegross;oflovetherewillremainforyouonlythatwhichisvisibleandcanbetouchedwiththefinger.Youareyoung,Octave,andyouhavestillalonglifebeforeyou;youwillhaveothermistresses.Yes,asyousay,prideisalittlethinganditisnottoitIlookforconsolation;butGodwillsthatyourtearsshallonedaypaymeforthosewhichInowshedforyou!"

Shearose.

"Mustitbesaid?MustyouknowthatforsixmonthsIhavenotsoughtreposewithoutrepeatingtomyselfthatitwasallinvain,thatyouwouldneverbecured;thatIhaveneverriseninthemorningwithoutsayingthatanothereffortmustbemade;thataftereverywordyouhavespokenIhavefeltthatIoughttoleaveyou,andthatyouhavenotgivenmeacaressthatIwouldratherdiethanendure;that,daybyday,minutebyminute,hesitatingbetweenhopeandfear,Ihavevainlytriedtoconquereithermyloveormygrief;that,whenIopenedmyheartto

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you,youpierceditwithamockingglance,andthat,whenIclosedit,itseemedtomeIfeltwithinitatreasurethatnonebutyoucoulddispense?ShallIspeakofallthefrailtyandallthemysterieswhichseempueriletothosewhodonotrespectthem?ShallItellyouthatwhenyouleftmeinangerIshutmyselfuptoreadyourfirstletters;thatthereisafavoritewaltzthatIneverplayedinvainwhenIfelttookeenlythesufferingcausedbyyourpresence?Ah!wretchthatIam!Howdearlyalltheseunnumberedtears,allthesefollies,sosweettothefeeble,arepurchased!Weepnow;noteventhispunishment,thissorrow,willavailyou."

Itriedtointerrupther.

"Allowmetocontinue,"shesaid;"thetimehascomewhenImustspeak.Letussee,whydoyoudoubtme?Forsixmonths,inthought,inbody,andinsoul,Ihavebelongedtonoonebutyou.Ofwhatdoyoudaresuspectme?DoyouwishtosetoutforSwitzerland?Iamready,asyousee.Doyouthinkyouhavearival?SendhimaletterthatIwillsignandyouwilldirect.Whatarewedoing?Wherearewegoing?Letusdecide.Arewenotalwaystogether?Verywellthen,whywouldyouleaveme?Icannotbenearyouandseparatedfromyouatthesamemoment.Itisnecessarytohaveconfidenceinthosewelove.Loveiseithergoodorbad:ifgood,wemustbelieveinit;ifevil,wemustcureourselvesofit.Allthis,yousee,isagameweareplaying;butourheartsandour

livesarethestakes,anditishorrible!Doyouwishtodie?Thatwouldperhapsbebetter.WhoamIthatyoushoulddoubtme?"

Shestoppedbeforetheglass.

"WhoamI?"sherepeated,"whoamI?Thinkofit.Lookatthisfaceofmine."

"Doubtthee!"shecried,addressingherownimage;"poor,paleface,thouartsuspected!poor,thincheeks,poor,tiredeyes,thouandthytearsareindisgrace.Verywell,putanendtothysuffering;letthosekissesthathavewastedtheeclosethylids!Descendintothecoldearth,poortremblingbodythatcannolongersupportitsownweight.

Whenthouartthere,perchancethouwiltbebelieved,ifdoubtbelievesindeath.Osorrowfulspectre!Onthebanksofwhatstreamwiltthouwanderandgroan?Whatfiresdevourthee?Thoudreamestofalongjourneyandthouhastonefootinthegrave!

"Die!Godisthywitnessthatthouhasttriedtolove.Ah!whatwealthoflovehasbeenawakenedinthyheart!Ah!whatdreamsthouhasthad,whatpoisonsthouhastdrunk!Whatevilhastthoucommittedthatthereshouldbeplacedinthybreastafeverthatconsumes!Whatfuryanimatesthatblindcreaturewhopushestheeintothegravewithhisfoot,whilehislipsspeaktotheeoflove?Whatwillbecomeofyouifyoulive?Isitnottimetoenditall?Isitnotenough?Whatproofcanstthougivethatwillsatisfywhenthou,poor,livingproof,artnotbelieved?To

whattorturecanstthousubmitthatthouhastnotalreadyendured?Bywhattorments,whatsacrifices,wiltthouappeaseinsatiablelove?Thouwiltbeonlyanobjectofridicule,athingtoexcitelaughter;thouwiltvainlyseekadesertedstreettoavoidthefingerofscorn.Thouwiltloseallshameandeventhatappearanceofvirtuewhichhasbeensodeartoyou;andthemanforwhomyouhavedisgracedyourselfwillbethefirsttopunishyou.Hewillreproachyouforlivingforhimalone,forbravingtheworldforhim,andwhileyourfriendsarewhisperingaboutyou,hewilllistentoassurehimselfthatnowordofpityisspoken;hewillaccuseyouofdeceivinghimifanotherhandeventhen

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pressesyours,andif,inthedesertoflife,youfindsomeonewhocanspareyouawordofpityinpassing.

"OGod!dostthourememberadaywhenawreathofroseswasplacedonmyhead?Wasitthisbrowonwhichthatcrownrested?Ah!thehandthathungitonthewalloftheoratoryhasnowfallen,likeit,todust!Oh,mynativevalley!Oh,myoldaunt,whonowsleepsinpeace!Oh,mylindens,mylittlewhitegoat,mydearpeasantswholovedmesomuch!YourememberwhenIwashappy,proud,andrespected?Whothrewinmypaththatstrangerwhotookmeawayfromallthis?Whogavehimtherighttoentermylife?Ah!wretch!whydidstthouturnthefirstdayhefollowedyou?Whydidstthoureceivehimasabrother?Whydidstthouopenthydoor,andwhydidstthouholdoutthyhand?Octave,Octave,whyhaveyoulovedmeifallistoendthus?"

ShewasabouttofaintasIledhertoachairwhereshesankdownandherheadfellonmyshoulder.Theterribleeffortshehadmadeinspeakingtomesobitterlyhadbrokenherdown.InsteadofanoutragedwomanIfoundnowonlyasufferingchild.Hereyesclosedandshewasmotionless.

Whensheregainedconsciousnessshecomplainedofextremelanguor,andbeggedtobeleftalonethatshemightrest.Shecouldhardlywalk;Icarriedhergentlytoherroomandplacedheronthebed.Therewasno

markofsufferingonherface:shewasrestingfromhersorrowasfromgreatfatigue,andseemednoteventorememberit.Herfeebleanddelicatebodyyieldedwithoutastruggle;thestrainhadbeentoogreat.Sheheldmyhandinhers;Ikissedher;ourlipsmetinlovingunion,andafterthecruelscenethroughwhichshehadpassed,shesleptsmilinglyonmyheartasonthefirstday.

CHAPTERVI.SELF-SACRIFICETHESOLUTION

Brigitteslept.Silent,motionless,Isatnearher.Asahusbandman,

whenthestormhaspassed,countsthesheavesthatremaininhisdevastatedfield,thusIbegantoestimatetheevilIhaddone.

ThemoreIthoughtofit,themoreirreparableIfeltittobe.Certainsorrows,bytheirveryexcess,warnusoftheirlimits,andthemoreshameandremorseIexperienced,themoreIfeltthataftersuchascene,nothingremainedforustodobuttosayadieu.WhatevercourageBrigittehadshown,shehaddrunktothedregsthebittercupofhersadlove;unlessIwishedtoseeherdie,Imustgiveherrepose.Shehadoftenaddressedcruelreproachestome,andhad,perhaps,oncertainotheroccasionsshownmoreangerthaninthisscene;butwhatshehadsaidthistimewasnotdictatedbyoffendedpride;itwasthetruth,which,hiddencloselyinherheart,hadbrokenitinescaping.

Ourpresentrelations,andthefactthatIhadrefusedtogoawaywithher,destroyedallhope;shedesiredtopardonme,butshehadnotthepower.Thisslumbereven,thisdeathlikesleepofonewhocouldsuffernomore,wasconclusiveevidence;thissuddensilence,thetendernessshehadshowninthefinalmoments,thatpaleface,andthatkiss,confirmedmeinthebeliefthatallwasover,andthatIhadbrokenforeverwhateverbondhadunitedus.Assurelyasshesleptnow,assoonasIgavehercauseforfurthersufferingshewouldsleepineternalrest.TheclockstruckandIfeltthatthelasthourhadcarriedawaymy

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lifewithhers.

Unwillingtocallanyone,IlightedBrigitte'slamp;Iwatcheditsfeebleflameandmythoughtsseemedtoflickerinthedarknesslikeitsuncertainrays.

WhateverIhadsaidordone,theideaoflosingBrigittehadneveroccurredtomeuptothistime.AhundredtimesIwishedtoleaveher,butwhohaslovedandisreadytosayjustwhatisinhisheart?Thatwasintimesofdespairorofanger.SolongasIknewthatshelovedme,Iwassureoflovingher;sternnecessityhadjustarisenbetweenusforthefirsttime.Iexperiencedadulllanguorandcoulddistinguishnothingclearly.Whatmymindunderstood,mysoulrecoiledfromaccepting."Come,"Isaidtomyself,"IhavedesireditandIhavedoneit;thereisnottheslightesthopethatwecanlivetogether;Iamunwillingtokillthiswoman,soIhavenoalternativebuttoleaveher.Itisallover;Ishallgoawaytomorrow."

AndallthewhileIwasthinkingneitherofmyresponsibility,norofthepast,norfuture;IthoughtneitherofSmithnorhisconnectionwiththeaffair;Icouldnotsaywhohadledmethere,orwhatIhaddoneduringthelasthour.IlookedatthewallsoftheroomandthoughtthatallIhadtodowastowaituntilto-morrowanddecidewhatcarriageIwouldtake.

Iremainedforalongtimeinthisstrangecalm,justasthemanwhoreceivesathrustfromapoignardfeelsatfirstonlythecoldsteelandcanoftentravelsomedistanceerehebecomesweak,andhiseyesstartfromtheirsocketsandherealizeswhathashappened.Butdropbydropthebloodflows,thegroundunderhisfeetbecomesred,deathcomes;theman,atitsapproach,shudderswithhorrorandfallsasthoughstruckbyathunderbolt.Thus,apparentlycalm,Iawaitedthecomingofmisfortune;IrepeatedinalowvoicewhatBrigittehadsaid,andIplacednearherallthatIsupposedshewouldneedforthenight;thenIlookedather,thenwenttothewindowandpressedmyforeheadagainstthepanepeeringoutatasombreandloweringsky;thenIreturnedtothebedside.ThatIwasgoingawaytomorrowwastheonlythoughtinmy

mind,andlittlebylittletheword"depart"becameintelligibletome."Ah!God!"Isuddenlycried,"mypoormistress,Iamabouttoloseyou,andIhavenotknownhowtoloveyou!"

Itrembledatthesewordsasifithadbeenanotherwhohadpronouncedthem;theyresoundedthroughallmybeingasresoundsthestringoftheharpthathasbeenpluckedtothepointofbreaking.Inaninstanttwoyearsofsufferingagainrackedmybreast,andafterthemastheirconsequenceandastheirlastexpression,thepresentseizedme.HowshallIdescribesuchwoe?Byasingleword,perhaps,forthosewhohaveloved.IhadtakenBrigitte'shand,and,inadream,doubtless,shehadpronouncedmyname.

Iaroseandwenttomyroom;atorrentoftearsflowedfrommyeyes.Iheldoutmyarmsasiftoseizethepastwhichwasescapingme."Isitpossible,"Irepeated,"thatIamgoingtoloseyou?Icanlovenoonebutyou.What!youaregoingaway?Andforever?What!you,mylife,myadoredmistress,youfleeme,Ishallneverseeyoumore?Never!never!"Isaidaloud;and,addressingmyselftotheslumberingBrigitteasifshecouldhearme,Iadded:"Never,never;donotthinkofit;Iwillneverconsenttoit.Andwhysomuchpride?AretherenomeansofatoningfortheoffenseIhavecommitted?Ibegofyou,letusseeksomeexpiation.Haveyounotpardonedmeathousandtimes?Butyouloveme,

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youwillnotbeabletogo,forcouragewillfailyou.Whatshallwedo?"

Ahorriblemadnessseizedme;Ibegantorunhereandthereinsearchofsomeinstrumentofdeath.AtlastIfellonmykneesandbeatmyheadagainstthebed.Brigittestirred,andIremainedquiet,fearingIshouldwakenher.

"Lethersleepuntilto-morrow,"Isaidtomyself;"Ihaveallnighttowatchher."

Iresumedmyplace;IwassofrightenedattheideaofwakingBrigitte,thatIscarcelydaredbreathe.GraduallyIbecamemorecalmandlessbittertearsbegantocoursegentlydownmycheeks.Tendernesssucceededfury.IleanedoverBrigitteandlookedatherasif,forthelasttime,mybetterangelwereurgingmetograveonmysoulthelinesofthatdearface!

Howpaleshewas!Herlargeeyes,surroundedbyabluishcircle,weremoistwithtears;herform,oncesolithe,wasbentasifbeneathaburden;hercheek,wastedandleaden,restedonahandthatwasspareandfeeble;herbrowseemedtobearthemarksofthatcrownofthornswhichisthediademofresignation.Ithoughtofthecottage.Howyoungshewassixmonthsago!Howcheerful,howfree,howcareless!WhathadI

donewithallthat?ItseemedtomethatastrangevoicerepeatedanoldromancethatIhadlongsinceforgotten:

Altravoltagieribiele,Blanch'erossacom'unflore,Maorano.NonsonpiubieleConsumatisdal'amore.

Mysorrowwastoogreat;Isprangtomyfeetandoncemorebegantowalkthefloor."Yes,"Icontinued,"lookather;thinkofthosewhoareconsumedbyagriefthatisnotsharedwithanother.Theevilsyouendureothershavesuffered,andnothingissingularorpeculiartoyou.Thinkofthosewhohavenomother,norelatives,nofriends;ofthose

whoseekanddonotfind,ofthosewholoveinvain,ofthosewhodieandareforgotten."

"Beforethee,thereonthatbed,liesabeingthatnature,perchance,formedforthee.Fromthehighestcirclesofintelligencetothedeepestandmostimpenetrablemysteriesofmatterandofform,thatsoulandthatbodyarethyaffinities;forsixmonthsthymouthhasnotspoken,thyhearthasnotbeat,withoutaresponsivewordandheart-beatfromher;andthatwoman,whomGodhassenttheeasHesendstherosetothefield,isabouttoglidefromthyheart.Whilerejoicingineachother'spresence,whiletheangelsofeternalloveweresingingbeforeyou,youwerefartherapartthantwoexilesatthetwoendsoftheearth.Lookather,butbesilent.Thouhaststillonenighttoseeher,ifthysobsdo

notawakenher."

Littlebylittle,mythoughtsmountedandbecamemoresombre,untilIrecoiledinterror.

"Todoevil!SuchwastheroleimposeduponmebyProvidence.I,todoevil!I,towhommyconscience,eveninthemidstofmywildestfollies,saidthatIwasgood!I,whomapitilessdestinywasdraggingswiftlytowardtheabyssandwhomasecrethorrorunceasinglywarnedoftheawfulfatetocome!I,who,ifIhadshedbloodwiththesehands,could

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yetrepeatthatmyheartwasnotguilty;thatIwasdeceived,thatitwasnotIwhodidit,butmydestiny,myevilgenius,someunknownbeingwhodweltwithinme,butwhowasnotbornthere!

"Idoevil!ForsixmonthsIhadbeenengagedinthattask,notadayhadpassedthatIhadnotworkedatthatimpiousoccupation,andIhadatthatmomenttheproofbeforemyeyes.ThemanwhohadlovedBrigitte,whohadoffendedher,theninsultedher,thenabandonedheronlytotakeherbackagain,tremblingwithfear,besetwithsuspicion,finallythrownonthatbedofsorrow,whereshenowlayextended,wasI!"

Ibeatmybreast,and,althoughlookingather,Icouldnotbelieveit.Itouchedherasiftoassuremyselfthatitwasnotadream.Myface,asIsawitintheglass,regardedmewithastonishment.Whowasthatcreaturewhoappearedbeforemebearingmyfeatures?Whowasthatpitilessmanwhoblasphemedwithmymouthandtorturedwithmyhands?WasithewhommymothercalledOctave?Wasithewho,atfifteen,leaningoverthecrystalwatersofafountain,hadaheartnotlesspurethanthey?Iclosedmyeyesandthoughtofmychildhooddays.Asarayoflightpiercesacloud,agleamfromthepastpiercedmyheart.

"No,"Imused,"Ididnotdothat.Thesethingsarebutanabsurddream."

IrecalledthetimewhenIwasignorantoflife,whenIwastakingmyfirststepsinexperience.Irememberedanoldbeggarwhousedtositonastonebenchbeforethefarmgate,towhomIwassometimessentwiththeremainsofourmorningmeal.Holdingouthisfeeble,wrinkledhandshewouldblessmeashesmileduponme.Ifeltthemorningwindblowingonmybrowandafreshnessasoftherosedescendingfromheavenintomysoul.ThenIopenedmyeyesand,bythelightofthelamp,sawtherealitybeforeme.

"Andyoudonotbelieveyourselfguilty?"Idemanded,withhorror."Onoviceofyesterday,howcorruptartthoutoday!Becauseyouweep,youfondlyimagineyourselfinnocent?Whatyouconsidertheevidenceofyourconscienceisonlyremorse;andwhatmurdererdoesnotexperienceit?If

yourvirtuecriesout,isitnotbecauseitfeelstheapproachofdeath?Owretch!thosefar-offvoicesthatyouheargroaninginyourheart,doyouthinktheyaresobs?Theyareperhapsonlythecryofthesea-mew,thatfunerealbirdofthetempest,whosepresenceportendsshipwreck.Whohasevertoldthestoryofthechildhoodofthosewhohavediedstainedwithhumanblood?They,also,havebeengoodintheirday;theysometimesburytheirfacesintheirhandsandthinkofthosehappydays.Youdoevil,andyourepent?Nerodidthesamewhenhekilledhismother.Whohastoldyouthattearscanwashawaythestainsofguilt?

"Andevenifitweretruethatapartofyoursoulisnotdevotedtoevilforever,whatwillyoudowiththeotherpartthatisnotyours?Youwilltouchwithyourlefthandthewoundsthatyouinflictwith

yourright;youwillmakeashroudofyourvirtueinwhichtoburyyourcrimes;youwillstrike,andlikeBrutusyouwillengraveonyourswordtheprattleofPlato!Intotheheartofthebeingwhoopensherarmstoyou,youwillplungethatblood-stainedbutrepentantarm;youwillfollowtothecemeterythevictimofyourpassion,andyouwillplantonhergravethesterileflowerofyourpity.Youwillsaytothosewhoseeyou'Whatcouldyouexpect?Ihavelearnedhowtokill,andobservethatIalready,weep;learnthatGodmademebetterthanyouseeme.'Youwillspeakofyouryouth,andyouwillpersuadeyourselfthatheavenoughttopardonyou,thatyourmisfortunesareinvoluntary,andyouwill

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imploresleeplessnightstograntyoualittlerepose.

"Butwhoknows?Youarestillyoung.Themoreyoutrustinyourheart,thefartherastrayyouwillbeledbyyourpride.To-dayyoustandbeforethefirstruinyouaregoingtoleaveonyourroute.IfBrigittediesto-morrowyouwillweeponhertomb;wherewillyougowhenyouleaveher?Youwillgoawayforthreemonthsperhaps,andyouwilltravelinItaly;youwillwrapyourcloakaboutyoulikeaspleneticEnglishman,andyouwillsaysomebeautifulmorning,sittinginyourinnwithyourglassesbeforeyou,thatitistimetoforgetinordertoliveagain.

"Youwhoweeptoolate,takecarelestyouweepmorethanoneday.Whoknows?Whenthepresentwhichmakesyoushuddershallhavebecomethepast,anoldstory,aconfusedmemory,mayitnothappensomenightofdebaucherythatyouwilloverturnyourchairandrecount,withasmileonyourlips,whatyouwitnessedwithtearsinyoureyes?Itisthusthatonedrinksawayshame.Youhavebegunbybeinggood,youwillbecomeweak,andyouwillbecomeamonster.

"Mypoorfriend,"saidI,fromthebottomofmyheart,"Ihaveawordofadviceforyou,anditisthis:Ibelievethatyoumustdie.Whilethereisstillsomevirtueleft,profitbyitinorderthatyoumaynotbecomealtogetherbad;whileawomanyouloveliestheredyingonthatbed,and

whileyouhaveahorrorofyourself,strikethedecisiveblow;shestilllives;thatisenough;donotattendherfuneralobsequiesforfearthatonthemorrowyouwillnotbeconsoled;turnthepoignardagainstyourownheartwhilethatheartyetlovestheGodwhomadeit.Isityouryouththatgivesyoupause?Andwouldyousparethoseyouthfullocks?Neverallowthemtowhiteniftheyarenotwhiteto-night.

"Andthenwhatwouldyoudointheworld?Ifyougoaway,wherewillyougo?Whatcanyouhopeforifyouremain?Ah!inlookingatthatwomanyouseemtohaveatreasureburiedinyourheart.Itisnotmerelythatyouloseher;itislesswhathasbeenthanwhatmighthavebeen.Whenthehandsoftheclockindicatedsuchandsuchanhour,youmighthavebeenhappy.Ifyousufferwhydoyounotopenyourheart?Ifyoulove,

whydoyounotsayso?Whydoyoudieofhunger,claspingapricelesstreasureinyourhands?Youhaveclosedthedoor,youmiser;youdebatewithyourselfbehindlocksandbolts.Shakethem,foritwasyourhandthatforgedthem.

"Ofool!whodesiredandhavepossessedyourdesire,youhavenotthoughtofGod!Youplaywithhappinessasachildplayswitharattle,andyoudonotreflecthowrareandfragileathingyouholdinyourhands;youtreatitwithdisdain,yousmileatitandyoucontinuetoamuseyourselfwithit,forgettinghowmanyprayersithascostyourgoodangeltopreserveforyouthatshadowofdaylight!Ah!ifthereisinheavenonewhowatchesoveryou,whatishedoingatthismoment?Heisseatedbeforeanorgan;hiswingsarehalf-folded,hishandsextended

overtheivorykeys;hebeginsaneternalhymn;thehymnofloveandimmortalrest,buthiswingsdroop,hisheadfallsoverthekeys;theangelofdeathhastouchedhimontheshoulder,hedisappearsintotheNirvana.

"Andyou,attheageoftwenty-two,whenanobleandexaltedpassion,whenthestrengthofyouthmightperhapshavemadesomethingofyouwhenaftersomanysorrowsandbitterdisappointments,ayouthsodissipated,yousawabettertimeshininginthefuture;whenyourlife,consecratedtotheobjectofyouradoration,gavepromiseofnewstrength,at

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thatmomenttheabyssyawnsbeforeyou!Younolongerexperiencevaguedesires,butrealregrets;yourheartisnolongerhungry,itisbroken!Andyouhesitate?Whatdoyouexpect?Sinceshenolongercaresforyourlife,itcountsfornothing!Sincesheabandonsyou,abandonyourself!

"Letthosewhohavelovedyouinyouryouthweepforyou!Theyarenotmany.Ifyouwouldlive,youmustnotonlyforgetlove,butyoumustdenythatitexists;notonlydenywhattherehasbeenofgoodinyou,butkillallthatmaybegoodinthefuture;forwhatwillyoudoifyouremember?Lifeforyouwouldbeoneceaselessregret.No,no,youmustchoosebetweenyoursoulandyourbody;youmustkilloneortheother.Thememoryofthegooddrivesyoutotheevil,makeacorpseofyourselfunlessyouwishtobecomeyourownspectre.Ochild,child!diewhileyoucan!Maytearsbeshedoveryourgrave!"

IthrewmyselfonthefootofthebedinsuchafrightfulstateofdespairthatmyreasonfledandInolongerknewwhereIwasorwhatIwasdoing.Brigittesighed.

Mysensesstirredwithinme.Wasitgriefordespair?Idonotknow.Suddenlyahorribleideaoccurredtome.

"What!"Imuttered,"leavethatforanother!Die,descendintotheground,whilethatbosomheaveswiththeairofheaven?JustGod!

anotherhandthanmineonthatfine,transparentskin!Anothermouthonthoselips,anotherloveinthatheart!Brigittehappy,loving,adored,andIinacornerofthecemetery,crumblingintodustinaditch!HowlongwillittakehertoforgetmeifIceasetoexistto-morrow?Howmanytearswillsheshed?None,perhaps!Notafriendwhospeakstoherbutwillsaythatmydeathwasagoodthing,whowillnothastentoconsoleher,whowillnoturgehertoforgetme!Ifsheweeps,theywillseektodistractherattentionfromherloss;ifmemoryhauntsher,theywilltakeheraway;ifherloveformesurvivesme,theywillseektocureherasifshehadbeenpoisoned;andsheherself,whowillperhapsatfirstsaythatshedesirestofollowme,willamonthlaterturnasidetoavoidtheweeping-willowplantedovermygrave!

"Howcoulditbeotherwise?Who,asbeautifulasshe,wasteslifeinidleregrets?Ifsheshouldthinkofdyingofgrief,thatbeautifulbosomwouldurgehertolive,andhermirrorwouldpersuadeher;andthedaywhenherexhaustedtearsgiveplacetothefirstsmile,whowillnotcongratulateheronherrecovery?When,aftereightdaysofsilence,sheconsentstohearmynamepronouncedinherpresence,thenshewillspeakofitherselfasiftosay:'Consoleme;'thenlittlebylittleshewillnolongerrefusetothinkofthepastbutwillspeakofit,andshewillopenherwindowsomebeautifulspringmorningwhenthebirdsaresinginginthegarden;shewillbecomepensiveandsay:'Ihaveloved!'Whowillbethereatherside?Whowilldaretotellherthatshemustcontinuetolove?

"Ah!thenIshallbenomore!Youwilllistentohim,faithlessone!Youwillblushasdoesthebuddingrose,andthebloodofyouthwillmounttoyourface.Whilesayingthatyourheartissealed,youwillallowittoescapethroughthatfreshaureoleofbeauty,eachrayofwhichalluresakiss.Howmuchtheydesiretobelovedwhosaytheylovenomore!Andwhyshouldthatastonishyou?Youareawoman;thatbody,thatspotlessbosom,youknowwhattheyareworth;whenyouconcealthemunderyourdressyoudonotbelieve,asdothevirgins,thatallarealike,andyouknowthepriceofyourmodesty.Howcanawomanwhohasbeenpraisedresolvetobepraisednomore?Doesshethinksheisliving

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whensheremainsintheshadowandthereissilenceroundaboutherbeauty?Herbeautyitselfistheadmiringglanceofherlover.No,no,therecanbenodoubtofit;shewhohasloved,cannotlivewithoutlove;shewhohasseendeathclingstolife.Brigittelovesmeandwillperhapsdieoflove;Iwillkillmyselfandanotherwillhaveher.

"Another,another!"Irepeated,bendingoverheruntilmyheadtouchedhershoulder."Isshenotawidow?Hasshenotalreadyseendeath?Havenottheselittlehandspreparedthedeadforburial?Hertearsforthesecondwillnotflowaslongasthoseshedforthefirst.Ah!Godforgiveme!WhileshesleepswhyshouldInotkillher?IfIshouldawakenhernowandtellherthatherhourhadcome,andthatweweregoingtodiewithalastkiss,shewouldconsent.Whatdoesitmatter?Isitcertainthatalldoesnotendwiththat?"

IfoundaknifeonthetableandIpickeditup.

"Fear,cowardice,superstition!Whatdotheyknowaboutitwhotalkofsomethingelsebeyond?Itisfortheignorantcommonpeoplethatafuturelifehasbeeninvented,butwhoreallybelievesinit?WhatwatcherinthecemeteryhasseenDeathleavehistombandholdconsultationwithapriest?Inoldentimestherewerephantoms;theyareinterdictedbythepoliceincivilizedcities,andnocriesarenowheardissuingfromtheearthexceptfromthoseburiedinhaste.Whohas

silenceddeath,ifithaseverspoken?Becausefuneralprocessionsarenolongerpermittedtoencumberourstreets,doesthecelestialspiritlanguish?

"Todie,thatisthefinalpurpose,theend.Godhasestablishedit,mandiscussesit;butovereverydooriswritten:'Dowhatthouwilt,thoushaltdie.'WhatwillbesaidifIkillBrigitte?Neitherofuswillhear.Into-morrow'sjournalwouldappeartheintelligencethatOctavedeT-----hadkilledhismistress,andthedayafternoonewouldspeakofit.Whowouldfollowustothegrave?Noonewho,uponreturningtohishome,couldnotenjoyaheartydinner;andwhenwewereextendedsidebysideinournarrow,bed,theworldcouldwalkoverourgraveswithoutdisturbingus.

"Isitnottrue,mywell-beloved,isitnottruethatitwouldbewellwithus?Itisasoftbed,thatbedofearth;nosufferingcanreachusthere;theoccupantsoftheneighboringtombswillnotgossipaboutus;ourboneswillembraceinpeaceandwithoutpride,fordeathissolace,andthatwhichbindsdoesnotalsoseparate.Whyshouldannihilationfrightenthee,poorbody,destinedtocorruption?Everyhourthatstrikesdragstheeontothydoom,everystepbreakstheroundonwhichthouhastjustrested;thouartnourishedbythedead;theairofheavenweighsuponandcrushesthee,theearthonwhichthoutreadestattractstheebythesolesofthyfeet.

"Downwiththee!Whyartthouaffrighted?Dostthoutrembleataword?

Merelysay:'Wewillnotlive.'Isnotlifeaburdenthatwelongtolaydown?Whyhesitatewhenitismerelyaquestionofalittlesooneroralittlelater?Matterisindestructible,andthephysicists,wearetold,grindtoinfinitythesmallestspeckofdustwithoutbeingabletoannihilateit.Ifmatteristhepropertyofchance,whatharmcanitdotochangeitsformsinceitcannotceasetobematter?WhyshouldGodcarewhatformIhavereceivedandwithwhatliveryIinvestmygrief?Sufferinglivesinmybrain;itbelongstome,Ikillit;butmybonesdonotbelongtomeandIreturnthemtoHimwholentthemtome:maysomepoetmakeacupofmyskullfromwhichtodrinkhisnewwine!

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"WhatreproachcanIincurandwhatharmcanthatreproachdome?WhatsternjudgewilltellmethatIhavedonewrong?Whatdoesheknowaboutit?

"WashesuchasI?Ifeverycreaturehashistasktoperform,andifitisacrimetoshirkit,whatculpritsarethebabeswhodieonthenurse'sbreast!Whyshouldtheybespared?Whowillbeinstructedbythelessonswhicharetaughtafterdeath?Mustheavenbeadesertinorderthatmanmaybepunishedforhavinglived?Isitnotenoughtohavelived?Idonotknowwhoaskedthatquestion,unlessitwereVoltaireonhisdeath-bed;itisacryofdespairworthyofthehelplessoldatheist.

"Buttowhatpurpose?Whysomanystruggles?Whoisthereaboveuswhodelightsinsomuchagony?Whoamuseshimselfandwilesawayanidlehourwatchingthisspectacleofcreation,alwaysrenewedandalwaysdying,seeingtheworkofman'shandsrising,thegrassgrowing;lookingupontheplantingoftheseedandthefallofthethunderbolt;beholdingmanwalkingaboutuponhisearthuntilhemeetsthebeckoningfingerofdeath;countingtearsandwatchingthemdryuponthecheekofpain;notingthepureprofileofloveandthewrinkledfaceofage;seeinghandsstretcheduptohiminsupplication,bodiesprostratebeforehim,andnotabladeofwheatmoreintheharvest!

"Whoisit,then,thathasmadesomuchforthepleasureofknowingthatitallamountstonothing!Theearthisdying--Herschelsaysitisofcold;whoholdsinhishandthedropofcondensedvaporandwatchesitasitdriesup,asafisherwatchesagrainofsandinhishand?Thatmightylawofattractionthatsuspendstheworldinspace,tormentsit--andconsumesitinendlessdesire--everyplanetthatcarriesitsloadofmiseryandgroansonitsaxle--callstoeachotheracrosstheabyss,andeachwonderswhichwillstopfirst.Godcontrolsthem;theyaccomplishassiduouslyandeternallytheirappointedanduselesstask;theywhirlabout,theysuffer,theyburn,theybecomeextinctandtheylightupwithnewflame;theydescendandtheyreascend,theyfollowandyettheyavoidoneanother,theyinterlacelikerings;theycarry

ontheirsurfacethousandsofbeingswhoareceaselesslyrenewed;thebeingsmoveabout,crossoneanother'spaths,clasponeanotherforanhour,andthenfall,andothersriseintheirplace.

"Wherelifefails,lifehastenstothespot;whereairiswanting,airrushes;nodisorder,everythingisregulated,markedout,writtendowninlinesofgoldandparablesoffire;everythingkeepsstepwiththecelestialmusicalongthepitilesspathsoflife;andallfornothing!Andwe,poornamelessdreams,paleandsorrowfulapparitions,helplessephemera,wewhoareanimatedbythebreathofasecondinorderthatdeathmayexist,weexhaustourselveswithfatigueinordertoprovethatwearelivingforapurpose,andthatsomethingindefinableisstirringwithinus.

"Wehesitatetoturnagainstourbreastsalittlepieceofsteel,ortoblowoutourbrainswithalittleinstrumentnolargerthanourhands;itseemstousthatchaoswouldreturnagain;wehavewrittenandrevisedthelawsbothhumananddivine,andweareafraidofourcatechisms;wesufferthirtyyearswithoutmurmuringandimaginethatwearestruggling;finallysufferingbecomesthestronger,wesendapinchofpowderintothesanctuaryofintelligence,andaflowerpiercesthesoilaboveourgrave."

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AsIfinishedthesewordsIdirectedtheknifeIheldinmyhandagainstBrigitte'sbosom.Iwasnolongermasterofmyself,andinmydeliriousconditionIknownotwhatmighthavehappened;Ithrewbackthebed-clothingtouncovertheheart,whenIdiscoveredonherwhitebosomalittleebonycrucifix.

Irecoiled,seizedwithsuddenfear;myhandrelaxed,myweaponfelltothefloor.ItwasBrigitte'sauntwhohadgivenherthatlittlecrucifixonherdeathbed.Ididnotremembereverhavingseenitbefore;doubtless,atthemomentofsettingout,shehadsuspendeditaboutherneckasapreservingcharmagainstthedangersofthejourney.SuddenlyIjoinedmyhandsandkneltonthefloor.

"OLord,myGod,"Isaid,intremblingtones,"Lord,myGod,thouartthere!"

LetthosewhodonotbelieveinChristreadthispage;InolongerbelievedinHim.Neitherasachild,noratschool,norasaman,haveIfrequentedchurches;myreligion,ifIhadany,hadneitherritenorsymbol,andIbelievedinaGodwithoutform,withoutacult,andwithoutrevelation.Poisoned,fromyouth,byallthewritingsofthelastcentury,Ihadsucked,atanearlyhour,thesterilemilkofimpiety.Humanpride,thatGodoftheegoist,closedmymouthagainstprayer,whilemyaffrightedsoultookrefugeinthehopeofnothingness.

IwasasifdrunkenorinsensatewhenIsawthateffigyofChristonBrigitte'sbosom;whilenotbelievinginHimmyself,Irecoiled,knowingthatshebelievedinHim.

Itwasnotvainterrorthatarrestedmyhand.Whosawme?Iwasaloneanditwasnight.Wasitprejudice?Whatpreventedmefromhurlingoutofmysightthatlittlepieceofblackwood?Icouldhavethrownitintothefire,butitwasmyweaponIthrewthere.Ah!whatanexperiencethatwasandstillisformysoul!Whatmiserablewretchesaremenwhomockatthatwhichcansaveahumanbeing!Whatmattersthename,theform,thebelief?Isnotallthatisgoodsacred?HowdareanyonetouchGod?

Asataglancefromthesunthesnowsdescendthemountains,andtheglaciersthatthreatenedheavenmeltintostreamsinthevalley,sotheredescendedintomyheartastreamthatoverfloweditsbanks.Repentanceisapureincense;itexhaledfromallmysuffering.AlthoughIhadalmostcommittedacrimewhenmyhandwasarrested,Ifeltthatmyheartwasinnocent.Inaninstant,calm,self-possession,reasonreturned;Iagainapproachedthebed;Ileanedovermyidolandkissedthecrucifix.

"Sleepinpeace,"Isaidtoher,"Godwatchesoveryou!Whileyourlipswerepartinginasmile,youwereingreaterdangerthanyouhaveeverknownbefore.Butthehandthatthreatenedyouwillharmnoone;IswearbythefaithyouprofessIwillnotkilleitheryouormyself!Iama

fool,amadman,achildwhothinkshimselfaman.Godbepraised!Youareyoungandbeautiful.Youliveandyouwillforgetme.YouwillrecoverfromtheevilIhavedoneyou,ifyoucanforgiveme.Sleepinpeaceuntilday,Brigitte,andthendecideourfate;towhateversentenceyoupronounceIwillsubmitwithoutcomplaint.

"Andthou,Lord,whohastsavedme,grantmepardon.Iwasborninanimpiouscentury,andIhavemanycrimestoexpiate.ThouSonofGod,whommenforget,IhavenotbeentaughttoloveThee.IhaveneverworshippedinThytemples,butIthankheaventhatwhereIfindThee,

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Itrembleandbowinreverence.IhaveatleastkissedwithmylipsaheartthatisfullofThee.Protectthatheartsolongaslifelasts;dwellwithinit,ThouHolyOne;apoorunfortunatehasbeenbraveenoughtodefydeathatthesightofThysufferingandThydeath;thoughimpious,Thouhastsavedhimfromevil;ifhehadbelieved,Thouwouldsthaveconsoledhim.

"PardonthosewhohavemadehimincreduloussinceThouhastmadehimrepentant;pardonthosewhoblaspheme!WhentheywereindespairtheydidnotseeThee!Humanjoysareamockery;theyarescornfulandpitiless;OLord!thehappyofthisworldthinktheyhavenoneedofThee!Pardonthem.AlthoughtheirpridemayoutrageThee,theywillbe,soonerorlater,baptizedintears;grantthattheymayceasetobelieveinanyothershelterfromthetempestthanThylove,andsparethemtheseverelessonsofunhappiness.Ourwisdomandscepticismareinourhandsbutchildren'stoys;forgiveusfordreamingthatwecandefyThee,ThouwhosmilestatGolgotha.TheworstresultofallourvainmiseryisthatittemptsustoforgetThee.

"ButThouknowestthatitisallbutashadowwhichaglancefromTheecandissipate.HastnotThouThyselfbeenaman?ItwassorrowthatmadeTheeGod;sorrowisaninstrumentoftorturebywhichThouhastmountedtotheverythroneofGod,ThyFather,anditissorrowthatleadsustoTheewithourcrownofthornstokneelbeforeThymercy-seat;wetouch

Thybleedingfeetwithourbloodstainedhands,forThouhastsufferedmartyrdomtobelovedbytheunfortunate."

Thefirstraysofdawnbegantoappear:manandnaturewererousingthemselvesfromsleepandtheairwasfilledwiththeconfusionofdistantsounds.Weakandexhausted,IwasabouttoleaveBrigitte,andseekalittlerepose.AsIwaspassingoutoftheroom,adressthrownonachairslippedtothefloornearme,andinitsfoldsIspiedapieceofpaper.Ipickeditup;itwasaletter,andIrecognizedBrigitte'shand.Theenvelopewasnotsealed.Iopeneditandreadasfollows:

23December,18--

"WhenyoureceivethisletterIshallbefarawayfromyou,andshallperhapsneverseeyouagain.MydestinyisboundupwiththatofamanforwhomIhavesacrificedeverything;hecannotlivewithoutme,andIamgoingtotrytodieforhim.Iloveyou;adieu,andpityus."

IturnedtheletteroverwhenIhadreadit,andsawthatitwasaddressedto"M.HenriSmith,N------,posterestante."

Onthemorrow,aclearDecemberday,ayoungmanandawomanwhorestedonhisarm,passedthroughthegardenofthePalais-Royal.Theyenteredajeweler'sstorewheretheychosetwosimilarringswhich

theysmilinglyexchanged.AfterashortwalktheytookbreakfastattheFreres-Provencaux,inoneofthoselittleroomswhichare,allthingsconsidered,themostbeautifulspotsintheworld.There,whenthegarconhadleftthem,theysatnearthewindowshandinhand.

Theyoungmanwasintravellingdress;toseethejoywhichshoneonhisface,onewouldhavetakenhimforayounghusbandshowinghisyoungwifethebeautiesandpleasuresofParisianlife.Hishappinesswascalmandsubdued,astruehappinessalwaysis.Theexperiencedwouldhaverecognizedinhimtheyouthwhomergesintomanhood.Fromtimetotime

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helookedupatthesky,thenathiscompanion,andtearsglitteredinhiseyes,butheheededthemnot,butsmiledashewept.Thewomanwaspaleandthoughtful,hereyeswerefixedontheman.Onherfaceweretracesofsorrowwhichshecouldnotconceal,althoughevidentlytouchedbytheexaltedjoyofhercompanion.

Whenhesmiled,shesmiledtoo,butneveralone;whenhespoke,shereplied,andsheatewhatheservedher;buttherewasaboutherasilencewhichwasonlybrokenathisinstance.Inherlanguorcouldbeclearlydistinguishedthatgentlenessofsoul,thatlethargyoftheweakeroftwobeingswholove,oneofwhomexistsonlyintheotherandrespondstohimasdoestheecho.Theyoungmanwasconsciousofit,andseemedproudofitandgratefulforit;butitcouldbeseenevenbyhispridethathishappinesswasnewtohim.

Whenthewomanbecamesadandhereyesfell,hecheeredherwithhisglance;buthecouldnotalwayssucceed,andseemedtroubledhimself.Thatminglingofstrengthandweakness,ofjoyandsorrow,ofanxietyandserenity,couldnothavebeenunderstoodbyanindifferentspectator;attimestheyappearedthemosthappyoflivingcreatures,andthenextmomentthemostunhappy;but,althoughignorantoftheirsecret,onewouldhavefeltthattheyweresufferingtogether,and,whatevertheirmysterioustrouble,itcouldbeseenthattheyhadplacedontheirsorrowasealmorepowerfulthanloveitself-friendship.While

theirhandswereclaspedtheirglanceswerechaste;althoughtheywerealonetheyspokeinlowtones.Asifovercomebytheirfeelings,theysatfacetoface,althoughtheirlipsdidnottouch.Theylookedateachothertenderlyandsolemnly.Whentheclockstruckone,thewomanheavedasighandsaid:

"Octave,areyousureofyourself?"

"Yes,myfriend,Iamresolved.Ishallsuffermuch,alongtime,perhapsforever;butwewillcureourselves,youwithtime,IwithGod."

"Octave,Octave,"repeatedthewoman,"areyousureyouarenotdeceivingyourself?"

"Idonotbelievewecanforgeteachother;butIbelievethatwecanforgive,andthatiswhatIdesireevenatthepriceofseparation."

"Whycouldwenotmeetagain?Whynotsomeday--youaresoyoung!"

Thensheadded,withasmile:

"Wecouldseeeachotherwithoutdanger."

"No,myfriend,foryoumustknowthatIcouldneverseeyouagainwithoutlovingyou.MayhetowhomIbequeathyoubeworthyofyou!Smithisbrave,good,andhonest,buthowevermuchyoumaylovehim,you

seeverywellthatyoustillloveme,forifIshoulddecidetoremain,ortotakeyouawaywithme,youwouldconsent."

"Itistrue,"repliedthewoman.

"True!true!"repeatedtheyoungman,lookingintohereyeswithallhissoul."IsittruethatifIwishedityouwouldgowithme?"

Thenhecontinued,softly:

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"ThatisthereasonwhyImustneverseeyouagain.Therearecertainlovesinlifethatoverturnthehead,thesenses,themind,theheart;thereisamongthemallbutonethatdoesnotdisturb,thatpenetrates,andthatdiesonlywiththebeinginwhichithastakenroot."

"Butyouwillwritetome?"

"Yes,atfirst,forwhatIhavetosufferissokeenthattheabsenceofthehabitualobjectofmylovewouldkillme.WhenIwasunknowntoyou,Igraduallyapproachedcloserandclosertoyou,until--butletusnotgointothepast.Littlebylittlemyletterswillbecomelessfrequentuntiltheyceasealtogether.IshallthusdescendthehillthatIhavebeenclimbingforthepastyear.Whenonestandsbeforeafreshgrave,overwhichareengravedtwocherishednames,oneexperiencesamysterioussenseofgrief,whichcausestearstotrickledownone'scheeks;itisthusthatIwishtorememberhavingoncelived."

Atthesewordsthewomanthrewherselfonthecouchandburstintotears.Theyoungmanweptwithher,buthedidnotmoveandseemedanxioustoappearunconsciousofheremotion.Whenhertearsceasedtoflow,heapproachedher,tookherhandinhisandkissedit.

"Believeme,"saidhe,"tobelovedbyyou,whateverthenameoftheplaceIoccupyinyourheart,willgivemestrengthandcourage.Rest

assured,Brigitte,noonewilleverunderstandyoubetterthanI;anotherwillloveyoumoreworthily,noonewillloveyoumoretruly.AnotherwillbeconsiderateofthosefeelingsthatIoffend,hewillsurroundyouwithhislove;youwillhaveabetterlover,youwillnothaveabetterbrother.Givemeyourhandandlettheworldlaughatasentencethatitdoesnotunderstand:Letusbefriends,andpartforever.Beforewebecamesuchintimatefriendstherewassomethingwithinthattoldusweweredestinedtomingleourlives.Letoursoulsneverknowthatwehaveparteduponearth;letnotthepaltrychanceofamomentundooureternalhappiness!"

Heheldthewoman'shand;shearose,tearsstreamingfromhereyes,and,steppinguptothemirrorwithastrangesmileonherface,shecut

fromherheadalongtressofhair;thenshelookedatherselfthusdisfiguredanddeprivedofapartofherbeautifulcrown,andgaveittoherlover.

Theclockstruckagain;itwastimetogo;whentheypassedouttheyseemedasjoyfulaswhentheyentered.

"Whatabeautifulsun!"saidtheyoungman.

"Andabeautifulday,"saidBrigitte,"thememoryofwhichshallneverfade."

Theyhastenedawayanddisappearedinthecrowd.

SometimelateracarriagepassedoveralittlehillbehindFontainebleau.Theyoungmanwastheonlyoccupant;helookedforthelasttimeuponhisnativetownasitdisappearedinthedistance,andthankedGodthat,ofthethreebeingswhohadsufferedthroughhisfault,thereremainedbutoneofthemstillunhappy.

ETEXTEDITOR'SBOOKMARKS:

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AterribledangerlurksintheknowledgeofwhatispossibleAccustomedtocallitsdisguisevirtueAdieu,myson,IloveyouandIdieAllphilosophyisakintoatheismAllthatisnotlife,itisthenoiseoflifeAndwhenloveissureofitselfandknowsresponseBecauseyouweep,youfondlyimagineyourselfinnocentBecomecorrupt,andyouwillceasetosufferBegantoforgetmyownsorrowinmysympathyforherBewareofdisgust,itisanincurableevilCananyonepreventagossipColdsilence,thatnegativeforceContrivetouseprouddisdainasashieldDeathismoretobedesiredthanalivingdistasteforlifeDespairofamansickoflife,orthewhimofaspoiledchildDotheythinktheyhaveinventedwhattheyseeEachoneknowswhattheotherisabouttosayFoolwhodestroyshisownhappinessForceitself,thatmistressoftheworldFuneralprocessionsarenolongerpermittedGalileostrucktheearth,crying:"Neverthelessitmoves!"GoodandbaddayssucceededeachotheralmostregularlyGreatsorrowsneitheraccusenorblaspheme--theylistenGriefitselfwasforherbutameansofseducing

HappinessofbeingpursuedHewhoislovedbyabeautifulwomanisshelteredfromeveryblowHelivesonlyinthebodyHowmuchtheydesiretobelovedwhosaytheylovenomoreHumanweaknessseeksassociationIcannotbenearyouandseparatedfromyouatthesamemomentIcannotloveher,IcannotloveanotherIboastedofbeingworsethanIreallywasIneitherlovenoresteemsadnessIdonotintendeithertoboastorabasemyselfIgnoranceintowhichtheGreekclergyplungedthelaityInwhatdoyoubelieve?Indignationcansolacegriefandrestorehappiness

IsheadwarforagiantIsitnotenoughtohavelived?ItisapitythatyoumustseekpastimesMakeashroudofyourvirtueinwhichtoburyyourcrimesManwhosufferswishestomakeherwhomhelovessufferMendoubtedeverything:theyoungmendeniedeverythingNolongeresteemedherhighlyenoughtobejealousofherOfallthesistersoflove,themostbeautifulispityPerfectiondoesnotexistPurecapricethatImyselfmistookforaflashofreasonQuarrelhadbeen,sotospeak,lesssadthanourreconciliationReadingtheMemoirsofConstantResortedtoexaggerationinordertoappearoriginal

ScepticregretsthefaithhehaslostthepowertoregainSevenwhoarealwaysthesame:thefirstiscalledhopeShepretendedtohopeforthebestSometimesweseemtoenjoyunhappinessSpeaktomeofyourlove,shesaid,"notofyourgrief"St.AugustineSuffered,andyettookpleasureinitSuspicionsthatareeverbornanewTerriblewords;Ideservethem,buttheywillkillmeTherearetwodifferentmeninyou

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Tickingofwhich(ourarteries)canbeheardonlyatnight"Unhappyman!"shecried,"youwillneverknowhowtolove"Wehavehadamasscelebrated,anditcostusalargesumWhatyoutakeforloveisnothingmorethandesireWhathumanwordwilleverexpressthyslightestcaressWhenpassionswaysman,reasonfollowshimweepingandwarningWhohastoldyouthattearscanwashawaythestainsofguiltWinesuffusesthefaceasiftopreventshameappearingthereYoubelieveinwhatissaidherebelowandnotinwhatisdoneYouplaywithhappinessasachildplayswitharattleYouturntheleavesofdeadbooksYourgreatweaponissilenceYouthistojudgeoftheworldfromfirstimpressions

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