chrysler country, pilot episode

Chrysler Country

Pilot: "Warrior Princess 911"

Teleplay by B. Ulysses

416 642 3579

© 2012, B. Ulysses

COLD OPEN

1 1INT. COURTROOM - DAY

MAYOR BOB CHRYSLER, 40s, obese, is struggling tostay awake as he sits at the counsel table of hislawyer, ALAN ISBISTER, 60s.

Isbister, in contrast to his client, is closelywatching his counterpart DAVIS DIAMOND, 50s, andthe witness that Diamond is cross-examining on thestand.

DIAMONDMister Stratas, you have been calledthe mastermind behind Mayor Chrysler'selection?

NICK STRATAS, 30s, composed, attentive, looks atDiamond, and then at the crowd crammed into thecourtroom behind him.

NICKI would say ...

DIAMONDYou're his chief advisor?

NICKYes. Me and, I guess, his brother,Councillor Chrysler.

JUDGE JAMES GEORGE, 60s, tries to discretely signalIsbister that his client is nodding off, but hisefforts are in vain.

DIAMONDThe brains behind the ...

ISBISTER(standing up)

Your Honour!

Mayor Chrysler stirs to life with a snort.

DIAMONDI am just trying to ...

JUDGE GEORGEMister Diamond, we already know he isthe Mayor's Chief of Staff, he'sobviously an important fellow. Let'smove it along.

Chrysler Country "Pilot: Warrior Princess 911" 12/9/12 2

DIAMONDYes, Your Honour, of course.

DIAMOND (CONT'D)Mister Stratas, I take it you arefamiliar with comedy shows like TheDaily Show, Saturday Night Live, TheColbert Report?

Isbister starts to stand up but Judge George motionshim to stay seated.

NICKYes, I know them. I've watched them.

DIAMONDAnd I take it you have are familiarwith some Canadian comedies, like AirFarce and This Hour has 22 Minutes?

Isbister starts to stand up again, about to object.

NICKCan I take the fifth on that?

There is some stirring in the courtroom, voices,movement, and then someone in the courtroom can beheard to say:

ELDERLY MALE VOICE (O.S.)... maybe they should put those showson trial ...

A little laughter follows and then the din diesdown.

Nick is pleased with himself. Mayor Chrysler wipessome spittle from his mouth and smiles. Judge Georgelooks at Nick as if to say "knock it off" and holdshis hand up to signal Isbister to stay in his seat.

JUDGE GEORGEAnswer the question, Mister Stratas.

NICKOkay, yes, I have seen them, too, yes.

There is a din in the room again.

JUDGE GEORGEQuiet in the back!

Diamond continues.


DIAMONDMister Stratas, I take it, then, thatyou are familiar with a comediccharacter known as the Warrior Princess?

NICKYes ... that was the, uh, the personwho showed up one morning in the Mayor'sdriveway.

DIAMONDThe person who so frightened the mayorthat he dialed 9-1-1?

NICKYes, well, he was afraid ...

DIAMONDAfraid for his life? Really? C'monnow, Mister Stratas, couldn't he havejust called you for some advice insteadof calling the police?

NICKWell, no actually. I mean, he triedto call me but I was at an early morningmeeting with the Chief of Police and Councillor Chrysler; an importantmeeting.

Nick looks over at COUNCILLOR DOUG CHRYSLER, 40s,who is sitting in the first row behind Isbister andthe mayor. Councillor Chrysler is a little lessobese than his brother and a little better dressedand composed. Same tree, different apple.

Diamond places a photo in front of Nick.

DIAMONDDo you recognize the woman in thisphotograph?

Nick looks at the exhibit placed in front of him.

NICKThat's her, the Warrior Princess. Or, I should say, Mary Irish, dressed asthe Warrior Princess.

DIAMONDRight. And you know, don't you, thatMary Irish is a comedian ...


JUDGE GEORGE... comedienne ...

DIAMOND... comedienne, thank you, who dressesas the Warrior Princess as part of acomedy routine on one of the shows Imentioned?

NICKYes.

DIAMONDAnd you know that part of that routineinvolves ambushing public figures, forfun, as part of that show?

NICKYes.

Isbister is on his feet:

ISBISTERYour Honour, this is getting absurd!

JUDGE GEORGEMister Isbister, no. Sit down.

DIAMONDSurely Mayor Chrysler couldn't havereally been afraid?

NICKHe was, he really was.

DIAMONDAnd what was so frightening to him?

Diamond's assistant hands him a toy broadsword andDiamond holds it high.

DIAMOND (CONT'D)Was it this, a plastic sword?

NICKUm ...

Diamond's assistant then hands him a metal helmetwith pointy horns, which he puts on his head ...

DIAMONDOr was it this helmet? Was it thishelmet that scared him so much?


ISBISTERYour Honour!

JUDGE GEORGEThis time Mister ...

Diamond continues even though the judge wants tostop him, and he is now holding a breastplate againsthis chest, a breastplate that features two pointymetal cones over each breast.

DIAMONDOr maybe he was scared of this, thisbreastplate?

Judge George's mouth is agape.

ISBISTERYour Honour!

JUDGE GEORGE... um ...

Nick looks at the Judge, who is still staring atDiamond.

NICKI ... I don't know what to say.

Nick then looks at Mayor Chrysler, who looks backat him blankly. The crowd in the courtroom comesalive.

JUDGE GEORGEMadam, madam, put that sign down. Madam ... bailiff ...

FEMALE VOICE(shouting from the body of the courtroom)

Stop the crazy train!

END OF COLD OPEN


ACT ONE

2 2INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - MORNING

The mayor is at his front window, peering out whilehalf hiding behind the curtain.

The room is dominated by a big screen TV and footballmemorabilia. It is open to the kitchen where IRINACHRYSLER, 30s, is serving breakfast to DESTINYCHRYSLER, 8.

MAYOR CHRYSLERThere's some kook out there.

IRINA(with a Polish accent)

Kook?

MAYOR CHRYSLER(puffing anxiously)

Some stalker or somethin'. And themedia is with her. BLEEP media.

3 3EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CHRYSLER'S P.O.V.

MARY IRISH dressed as Warrior Princess is at theend of the Mayor's driveway, adjusting her costume.

A CBC equipment van is near her, and a CAMERA PERSONsquats near it, fiddling with his video camera.

4 4INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MAYOR CHRYSLER(agitated)

Crazy BLEEP kook.

The Mayor punches numbers into a cordless phone.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(mumbling as he waits for Nick to answer)

Stratas ... Stratas ... c'mon ...

5 5INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - MORNING

Four men in tidy suits sit at a bare metal table:Nick and Councillor Chrysler, on one side, Chief ofPolice BILL BLENHORN, 50s, and Staff Inspector WEBB,50s, on the other.

Councillor Chrysler is playing with a model policehelicopter, clearly enamoured with it.


Nick's cell phone is buzzing in his pocket.

WEBB(flatly)

Aren't you going to get that?

NICKThat's okay, this is important.

WEBBMaybe, but maybe that's important,too.

NICK(ignoring buzzing phone)

Uh, it's okay, really.

WEBBMaybe you should find out who that is. You may never know if you don't answer.

NICK(phone still buzzing)

Really, it's okay. I mean, I think weshould start talking about the budget.

WEBBWhat about it?

Webb, pauses, looks at the toy helicopter inCouncillor Chrysler's hands; Chrysler smiles athim, weakly.

WEBB (CONT'D)The Mayor made promises. His brothermade promises. The police expect peopleto keep their promises.

Webb leans in towards Nick.

WEBB (CONT'D)The Chief expects people to keep theirpromises.

NICKI get that, I do.

WEBBDo you? Do you really?

Nick looks over Webb's shoulder at the two-waymirror, then back at Webb. The Chief watchessilently, smiling somewhat incongruously.


NICKLook, I do get it. And, yes, the Mayordid make promises. Promises to all ofChrysler Country, to all his supporters,to all the people of Toronto, to cuttaxes, to cut spending.

Webb is unmoved.

NICK (CONT'D)(to Chief Blenhorn now)

"Stop the crazy train," remember that? Everyone has to do their part.

WEBBAre you saying the police ...

BLENHORN(interrupting)

Nick, please excuse Staff InspectorWebb, he's a bit old school.

(smiling warmly)Listen, how about I get you guys somefood; you both must be getting hungry.

Councillor Doug looks up from the helicopter.

BLENHORN (CONT'D)Maybe we can order in some breakfast,or at least some coffee, it's been along morning.

NICKThanks, that's very kind of you, but -um - we really haven't been here thatlong. I mean I can't speak for theCouncillor but ...

Councillor Chrysler's telephone is buzzing now.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER(fiddling with his cell phone)

It's Bob, the Mayor, I mean, maybe Ishould take it, darn, lost it!

6 6INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - MORNING

As before.

MAYOR CHRYSLER(to his telephone)

Doug, you idiot, where are you? DougBLEEP!


Peers out his window again:

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)That crazy freakin' kook is still outthere! Jesus!

DESTINYDaddy, I'm scared.

MAYOR CHRYSLERDestiny, don't be scared of the kook.

Mayor Chrysler opens a closet door near the frontentrance to the house.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)Here, why don't you go in your hidey-place, you'll be safe in there.

Chrysler closes the door behind her, then punchessome numbers into his telephone.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(into phone)

Yes, it's an emergency. There's somekook in my driveway!

(beat)

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)Kook!

(beat)

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)BLEEP, I wouldn't be calling you ifthis wasn't an emergency! Stop askingme questions and send a freakin' caralready!

7 7INT. 911 CALL CENTER - MORNING

A 911 OPERATOR, female, 30s, is lifting the ear-cups of her headset off her head; the irate callercan be heard shouting at her. A uniformedSUPERVISOR, male, 30s, is nearby, watchingsympathetically. The Operator smiles wanly at himand puts the cups back on her ears.

OPERATOR(to the Supervisor while covering theheadset microphone with her hand)

The Mayor's house.


SUPERVISORNot the wife.

The Operator shakes her head.

SUPERVISOR (CONT'D)(resigned)

The Mayor.

The Operator nods.

OPERATORMister Chrysler ...

(beat)Mister Chrysler ... Mister Chrysler,please ...

The Operator lifts her ear-cups again as the loudyelling resumes.

OPERATOR (CONT'D)(to the Supervisor again)

I don't get paid enough to take thiskind of crap.

8 8INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - LATER

Nick is alone with Webb and the Chief, the toyhelicopter resting idly on the table at the spotwhere Doug Chrysler was sitting.

NICKThe Mayor said he would deliver tenpercent cuts from every department andhe is just asking the police to dotheir part. After a couple of years,we could phase in increases, get thedepartment back on track to where youwant it to be ...

Nick is waving a pen as he speaks.

WEBBYou're holding the pen in your lefthand. Is that because you're left-handed?

NICKUm ...

WEBBDo you know how many left-handed peoplethere are in this city?


NICKUm, no.

WEBBWould you like to know?

NICKUh, sure, I guess.

WEBBGotcha, you're left-handed, right?

Webb points his index finger at one of his own eyes.

WEBB (CONT'D)Observant.

The Chief is smiling like it is the most wonderfulmeeting in the world. Nick is a little rattled,off-course.

NICKUm. Hey, maybe we should see whatCouncillor Chrysler is ...

WEBBLeft, right?

NICKI'm sorry, what?

9 9INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MAYOR CHRYSLERI am being calm, Jesus, but how longis it supposed to take a couple ofdonut-eaters in a Ford to get the BLEEPover here?

(beat)Well there ain't anybody here you BLEEPBLEEP!

DESTINY (O.S.)Mummy, mummy, I'm scared.

Irina Chrysler and the Mayor both go to the closet,and while the Mayor is still yelling at the Operator...

MAYOR CHRYSLERBLEEP your supervisor! I need a carhere now, some crazy BLEEP kook ...


... he opens the door for Irina, who steps into thecloset ...

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)... is in my driveway with a sword anda helmet and crazy pointy things onher boobs ...

... and then absentmindedly closes the door behindher and goes back to the front window to lookoutside.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(to telephone)

Hello, hello? What, is nobody there? Hello? BLEEP this!

Chrysler punches another number into the phone.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(very agitated)

Doug, pick up you BLEEP idiot, Doug!BLEEP

10 10INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERHey Bobby ...

Doug Chrysler stops talking as he gets an earfulfrom his brother.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)Slow down, Bobby, slow down, Cones? What do you mean cones?

More yelling.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)... van, camera guy, sword ...

Yelling again.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)... hang on, let me try to find a pen...

Even more intense shouting, now understandable asDoug Chrysler pulls the phone away from his ear ...


MAYOR CHRYSLER(from Councillor Chrysler's phone)

... left-wing media ... hey, are youstill there, where are you, Jesus,Doug ...

... then looks at it, presses a button on the keypad,and an icon for volume control appears on thedisplay.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(from Councillor Chrysler's phone)

... Doug, Doug? This crazy kook ...

Councillor Chrysler presses another button and thephone goes silent.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERBLEEP, lost him again.

11 11INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MAYOR CHRYSLERBLEEP, Doug!

Chrysler throws the phone at the floor, then triesto pull himself together.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)Okay, Bobby, okay, you're gonna dothis, you're gonna do this.

DESTINY (O.S.)Daddy, Daddy, is everything okay?

MAYOR CHRYSLERDon't worry sweetie, Daddy is gonna gotalk to the kooky lady and then go towork, everything is gonna be fine! Irina, Irina?

IRINA (O.S.)Yes?

MAYOR CHRYSLERIrina, don't take Destiny to schooluntil the lady is gone, okay, and ifshe comes back call the cops, got that?

IRINA (O.S.)Yes?

Chrysler takes a breath and opens his front door.


12 12INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Councillor Chrysler is still out of the room.

BLENHORNNick, you know I'm part of ChryslerCountry, have been since day one. AndI am on board the crazy train ...

NICK... on board to stop the crazy train...

BLENHORN... on board to stop the crazy train,right.

Doug Chrysler bursts in:

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERChief, it's the Mayor, he needs help!

BLENHORNWha ... ?

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER(excited)

Some crazy lady with pointy steel thingson her tits is in his driveway with acameraman and he's freaking out, but 9-1-1 is giving him a hard time insteadof sending a car.

BLENHORN(standing up)

Webb, what division is that? See whatyou can do.

Webb nods and gets up.

13 13EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Mary Irish is chatting with her Camera Person as the mayor emerges from his house. Mayor Chryslertip toes to the cars in his driveway. The CameraPerson notices him, though, and soon he and MaryIrish are racing towards him.

MARY(while closing in on Chrysler)

Mayor Chrysler, it's me, Mary Irish!


Chrysler gets to the door of his minivan and isabout to open it.

MARY (CONT'D)(closing in)

You know, I gave up all the old WarriorPrincess stuff ...

MAYOR CHRYSLER(interrupting, smiling but anxious)

Can I get into my car please?

MARY... but you know ...

MAYOR CHRYSLER(still smiling anxiously)

May I get into my car please?

MARY... I came up to give you a hand, honey,because I gave up the Warrior Princessstuff but when I saw ...

MAYOR CHRYSLER(opening the car door)

... whoa whoa whoa ...

Chrysler steps into his car, awkwardly as Mary ispractically on top of him, and sits down in thedriver's seat.

MARY... oh, Mayor Chrysler, please, I cameall the way from Newfoundland to talkto you, honey ...

Chrysler, confused, blushing, gets out of his carand walks away from Mary and towards his house.

MARY (CONT'D)... one good thing about being stubbornMayor Chrysler is that you always knowwhat you are going to be thinking thenext day ...

Chrysler continues, red-faced, to the front door ofhis house, muttering under his breath.

MARY (CONT'D)... God love ya, take care of yourselfnow ...


14 14INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS

BLENHORNDoug, what is this lady doing, has shethreatened the mayor?

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER(punching keys on his phone)

I don't know, I don't know, I keeplosing him ...

A JUNIOR OFFICER appears in the doorway.

JUNIOR OFFICERChief Blenhorn, the Mayor is on theline for you.

BLENHORN(getting up)

Nick, I better get this.

NICKOf course.

BLENHORN(shaking hands with Nick)

Listen, we'll continue this anothertime, talk about details, okay? Untilthen, just know I'm on board, okay?

NICKGreat Chief, thank you!

Blenhorn leaves the room, leaving Nick and CouncillorChrysler alone. The Councillor is looking at Nickwaiting for him to explain.

NICK (CONT'D)He means he's with us.

Chrysler smiles, picks up the toy helicopter, andspins the rotor.

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

15 15EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY - MORNING

Mayor Chrysler is retreating to his house, MaryIrish after him:

MARY... God love ya, take care of yourselfnow ...

16 16INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Nick, Mayor Chrysler, Councillor Chrysler, and ayoung aide, PETER BROCK, 17 and dressed in a footballjersey, are watching the scene in Mayor Chrysler'sdriveway replay on a big screen TV in his office.

MAYOR CHRYSLERBLEEP left-wing kook!

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERHey, she did say something nice at theend, maybe that helps.

MAYOR CHRYSLERThat outfit; those, those, pointy thingson her boobs, I mean what was that,who dresses like that? I thought shewas crazy.

NICKMister Mayor, the best thing to do isto play along with it; laugh alongwith everyone else. Water off a duck'sback.

Peter looks quizzically at Nick.

NICK (CONT'D)And then, just bring it all back toyour message about tax cuts and reducingspending. You can even tell them youthink the police are on board; justdon't get into specifics.

MAYOR CHRYSLERNo specifics?


NICKNo specifics. Like I said, the Chiefand I still have to work out thedetails. So just say it like that: Itlooks like the police are on board butwe're still working out the details.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERWhat about the Bell one-o-sevens? TheChief invited me for a test flightnext week.

MAYOR CHRYSLERBell one-o-sevens?

NICKThe helicopters.

MAYOR CHRYSLER(to Councillor Chrysler)

You were supposed to cancel that!

NICKWe never got to that in the meeting;we never got to any details. But,yeah, we've got to cancel that, wecan't buy helicopters for the policewhen we're closing swimming pools ...

MAYOR CHRYSLERYeah, we can't buy helicopters now ...

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERBob, Nick, you sound like BLEEP pinkos! C'mon! The Chief showed me reports,statistics, ya know, other cities ...

MAYOR CHRYSLER(getting up)

Doug, cancel the test flight. Nohelicopters!

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERBob!

MAYOR CHRYSLERDo it!

PETER(who has tuned into a football game)

Can I turn this up?


17 17EXT. NATHAN PHILLIPS SQUARE - AFTERNOON

Mayor Chrysler is in the middle of a media scrum. Among the REPORTERS is PAULA DINALIESE of TorontoTV.

PAULASo then why did you call 9-1-1, MisterMayor?

MAYOR CHRYSLEROkay, we're done.

PAULABut Mister Chrysler, you called 9-1-1?

MAYOR CHRYSLER(flustered)

My daughter was scared, okay! It wasdark, I didn't know who they were andthey had a camera and a mic! Now we'redone, okay?

PAULA... but Mayor Chrysler it doesn't lookdark in the video ...

MAYOR CHRYSLER(anger rising)

Listen, I'm open to the media but, butif you come to my house early in themorning and ambush me, I think thatcrosses the line!

Chrysler turns his back to the scrum and hurries tothe entrance to City Hall, members of the presschasing after him.

REPORTERSMayor Chrysler ... Mister Chrysler ...one more question ... Mayor Chrysler.

MAYOR CHRYSLER(while hurrying away)

This press conference is over!

Police hustle the Mayor into City Hall and bar themedia from following. The Mayor breathes a sigh ofrelief.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(to one of the cops)

Thanks. BLEEP pinko media.


The Mayor's relief is short-lived, though: He soonsees a SMALL CROWD of men, women, and childrendressed in makeshift Warrior Princess costumes,waiting for him in the reception area of thebuilding.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(forelorn)

Stratas ... Stratus ...

18 18INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

This time Nick and Peter, wearing an ill-fittingsuit, sit opposite Chief Blenhorn and Webb.

BLENHORNDefensive end! I used to play defensiveend!

PETERSometimes I play defensive tackle,too. And special teams.

BLENHORNHey, and it's great that the Mayor isgiving you this opportunity, too!

PETERHe's a great coach.

(looking at Nick)And, um, a great mayor.

NICKChief, if you don't mind my asking,did you look over our proposal?

WEBB(jumping in)

Ten percent! Do you know what thatmeans? Do you know how many uniformsthat takes off the street?

NICKWell, operations would be up to thepolice ...

WEBBWhat if a cabbie gets stabbed by somejunkie and he's bleeding in his car?

NICKUm ...


WEBBAnd when he calls for help no one comesbecause there's no uniforms on thestreet?

NICKWell, as I was saying, the operationalaspects ...

WEBBHave you ever driven around at nightin a cruiser? Seen the things thathappen? The crime?

NICK... um ...

WEBBThe depravity?

NICK(looking away from Webb, for a moment,at the two-way mirror)

Well, no, but as I said, the operationalaspects ...

PETER(to the Chief)

Is that, like, one of those mirrorswhere someone can watch you from theother side?

BLENHORNYes, it is!

PETERLike on cop shows?

BLENHORNYes, like on cop shows. You wannasee?

19 19INT. HIGH-RISE CONDO LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Nick, looking weary, has just entered his apartment. He is on his cell phone.

NICKNo, no, we never got to specifics. Weended up going on a tour of the policestation.

(MORE)


NICK (CONT'D)(beat)

No, I don't know if he cancelled thetest flight.

(beat)Honestly, I think that will blow over,with time, just like the other things.

(turns on some lights)I say don't talk about it anymore, toanyone. Remember, Chrysler Country isstill one hundred percent behind you;this hasn't changed anything.

(beat)Yeah.

While he ends the call, Nick turns on his televisionand starts to take off his coat.

NICK (CONT'D)Yeah, bye.

Nick sees Paula Dinaliese of TorontoTV's newschannel, standing in front of City Hall:

20 20EXT. NATHAN PHILLIPS SQUARE - NIGHT

PAULAThe latest news on the Warrior Princessstory is a report that the policedispatcher who took the emergency call has filed a grievance. She claimsthat she was abused and called nameswhen taking the call. Specifically,our sources tell us that the Mayor isalleged to have said - and I am quotingfrom our sources here so I apologizefor the strong language:

(reading from a sheet)"You BLEEP. Don't you BLEEP know? I'm Bob BLEEP Chrysler, the Mayor ofthis city."

21 21INT. HIGH-RISE CONDO LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Nick, who has only managed to take his coat halfoff, puts it back on, and then starts punching keyson his cell phone.

NICKMayor Chrysler ... ?


Nick holds the telephone a few inches away from hishead as the person on the other end starts shoutingalmost as soon as he picks up.

NICK (CONT'D)I'm on my way.

22 22EXT. NATHAN PHILLIPS SQUARE - NIGHT

Nick is approaching the front door of City Hall andthe TorontoTV news crew catches up with him

PAULA(her mic at her side)

Nick, Nick!

NICKPaula, I have nothing to say.

PAULAOff the record, really.

NICKThere's nothing to say, the story isover.

PAULANick, c'mon, it's me!

NICKSorry Paula, I can't, you know that.

Paula sighs as she watches Nick walk away from herand into City Hall.

23 23INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Nick, his coat still on, has joined Peter and theChrysler brothers. The Mayor has been told somethingthat makes him want to have a drink, so he pourstwo whiskeys; one for himself and one for hisbrother.

Peter makes earnest efforts to understand what isgoing on.

PETERContrite?

NICKApologetic. Saying you're sorry forsomething you've said or done.


MAYOR CHRYSLERSome crazy BLEEP pinkos are on myproperty, in my driveway, and thisstupid BLEEP doesn't know who the BLEEPI am, and I should apologize?

NICKIt's really the best thing to do. Youcould do it on your radio show onSunday.

Takes off his coat, opens a lap top at a conferencetable that is in the office. The toy policehelicopter is also on the table.

NICK (CONT'D)Friendly audience, it's just you andDoug and Chrysler Country.

The Mayor is shaking his head; he knows he has todo it but he does not want to.

NICK (CONT'D)I'll write something up for you.

MAYOR CHRYSLERApologize. BLEEP Christ!

24 24INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO - MORNING

Mayor Chrysler and Councillor Chrysler are in thestudio taking a call. A SOUND TECHNICIAN and Nickwatch them from the control room.

MALE CALLER (O.S.)Mayor Chrysler, I'm a big supporterout here in Chrysler Country and Ijust want to say that the latest attemptby the hypocritical left wing media toderail your agenda is just anotherexample of vested interests workingtogether to protect union jobs, waste,and corruption.

MAYOR CHRYSLERThank you for saying that.

MALE CALLER (O.S.)The ridiculous lengths they went toslander and embarrass you this weekjust shows how desperate they are.


COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERIt's shocking, really, shocking!

MAYOR CHRYSLER(interrupting)

... but wait a sec ...

MALE CALLER (O.S.)And that Viking lady on the TV show;like who watches that, anyway, justpinkos and left-wingers. It isn'teven funny.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERYeah, and you know our taxes pay hersalary, can you believe it?

MAYOR CHRYSLERJust wait. I do want to say something,I need to apologize for something.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER... awww ...

MAYOR CHRYSLERNo, I do. I need to say this:

The mayor unfolds a piece of paper.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)(reading)

"When I made the 9-1-1 call ...

MALE CALLER (O.S.)... Mister Mayor ...

MAYOR CHRYSLERNo, no, wait, I have to say this; youshould know this, I wanna say it onthe air, on the record: "When I madethe 9-1-1 call, I was concerned andupset, I was repeatedly told policewere arriving soon."

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER... that's great Bob ...

MAYOR CHRYSLERWait, I'm not done: "I did use the f-word at some point as I expressed myfrustration with the situation.

(MORE)


MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)After being attacked in my driveway, Ihope I can be excused for saying the f-word. I never called anyone any names. I apologize for expressing myfrustration inappropriately."

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERWhoa! Okay.

MALE CALLER (O.S.)Mayor Chrysler, you did nothing wrong. And you know what you should do tototally end this? You should let thepolice release the 9-1-1 tape, showthose pinkos, show everyone, who thereal victim is.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERNow, there's an idea!

MAYOR CHRYSLER(alarmed)

No, no, I don't think that can be done,those emergency calls are private, Idon't think the police can releasethem.

MALE CALLER (O.S.)Actually, they can; a friend of minecalled 9-1-1 once 'cause he thought hecould use it in court and they gavehim a tape of it. Or, actually, adisc.

MAYOR CHRYSLERWell, see, there you go, it was forcourt.

MALE CALLERNo, no, he never went to court, hedecided not to after he listened toit, he was just thinking about courtand wanted to hear it ...

MAYOR CHRYSLERWell, it sounds like it's a littlecomplicated, anyway. You know, anytimeyou go to court, it's complicated.

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERBut maybe it's worth checking into,huh?


MALE CALLERYeah, it's easy, actually! I helpedhim; I could help you!

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLERWell, there you go ...

Mayor Chrysler signals his brother to stop butCouncillor Chrysler continues, oblivious:

COUNCILLOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)... get the tape, Bob, let everyonehear it, and then everyone will knowthat you never called the operator theC-word!

Mayor Chrysler looks at his brother like he is goingto kill him. Nick, in the control room, holds hishead in his hands.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

25 25INT. COURTROOM - DAY

Nick is on the stand. The lawyers are arguing.

ISBISTERYour Honour, this is going nowhere;nothing that happened changed a thing. There's no money under the table, nosecret pay offs ...

DIAMONDIt's all part of a bigger picture ofthe city's business taking a back seatto the Mayor's personal interests.

ISBISTER... no smoking gun.

JUDGE GEORGEOkay, gentlemen. Gentlemen! Let mejust ask the witness this, then: Mr.Stratas, did anything actually changeas a result of anything you told us?

NICKWell, ah, no. The Mayor and his brotherboth made lots of promises during thecampaign. Compromises had to be made. Compromises were made.

JUDGE GEORGEPolitics as usual, then.

NICKPolitics as usual, yes, Your Honour.

26 26INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - MORNING

Nick and Chief Blenhorn are alone. Nick isconsidering something. Blenhorn leans towards Nick:

BLENHORNSo, we understand each other?

NICKI think so.

BLENHORNGood. I'm glad.


The Chief slides a Tim Hortons' donut box over toNick.

BLENHORN (CONT'D)Here, have a donut.

27 27INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Nick enters to join Peter and Mayor Chrysler. Theyare eating potato chips while watching a footballgame on the mayor's TV. Peter continues to watchwhile Nick and the Mayor speak.

MAYOR CHRYSLERSo Blenhorn's gonna clear up the thingwith the 9-1-1 tape?

NICKYeah.

MAYOR CHRYSLERAnd what about the budget?

Nick shrugs.

MAYOR CHRYSLER (CONT'D)So what do we do with that? Like,what do we say?

NICKI wouldn't worry too much about that. Law and order is an easy sell toChrysler Country; we'll be fine.

MAYOR CHRYSLERLaw and order? Hmm.

Nick looks at his watch.

NICKHey, it's about to start.

Nick grabs the remote, presses some keys.

NICK (CONT'D)There, there they are.

28 28EXT. A WINDY FIELD - AFTERNOON

Paul Dinaliese is interviewing Chief Blenhorn. Avery happy Councillor Chrysler stands beside him.


BLENHORNI have listened to the 9-1-1 calls inorder to set the record straight and Ican tell you this: The mayor did notcall the operator names, and he didnot describe himself the way the mediasaid he did.

PAULAHe never used the C-word?

BLENHORNHe never called anybody the C-word.

The Chief starts speaking a little louder as thesound of a helicopter warming up, at first barelyaudible, increases in volume.

BLENHORN (CONT'D)Let me also say emergency calls involvepeople who are under a great deal ofstress, trying to call emergencyoperators.

Louder still.

BLENHORN (CONT'D)Those operators work under greatpressure, and they are extremely well-trained so that they can deal with themost difficult situations.

The Chief turns away from the camera and then heand Councillor Chrysler are joined by the CallOperator, who is dressed in a smart new dress uniformand carrying a clipboard.

PAULA(shouting, her hair blowing about)

So there you have it. Back over toyou Gianni.

29 29INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The mayor pours himself a drink and, with a gesture,offers to pour one for Nick. Nick declines.

PETER(pointing at the remote in Nick's hand)

Can you change it back to the game?

END OF SHOW

chrysler country, pilot episode

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