Announcements

• Turn in Passages on Front Table• Handout on webpage• Tonight: Divorce & Remarriage• Next Week: Family Violence

I hardly said a word to my wife until I said ‘yes’ to divorce. John Milius

For a couple with young children, divorce seldom comes as a “solution” to stress, only as a way to end one form of pain and accept another.

Fred Rogers

Not One Divorce but Six

• Emotional • Legal • Economic • Parental • Community • Psychological

Emotional Divorce

• “Clouds of Doubt.”—Loss of Rapport• Distancing Behaviors• Imagining living apart or new partner• Possibility of Divorce Mentioned• Appearance of solidarity broken• Decision made• Crisis of physical Separation• Actual Divorce• Period of mental conflict and reconstruction• Where children present, relationship may never end

Challenges of the Newly Divorced

• Prolonged retreat from social contact• Jump quickly into new marriage• Hope that the spouse will return• Continuing anger and harassment of former

spouse• Change in community of friends• Dating• Economic hardships

Tips for Helping School Aged Children of Divorce

• Explain• Relate to the child’s own experience• Communicate that the child is not responsible• Keep Routines• Present a solution where there must be change• Visitation and phone calls• Ensure child both parents love him• Draw out denial• Let them act their own age—and act your own• Where there is an absent same sex parent, add non-

threatening same sex adult (eg. Big brother/sister)

Deciding What to Tell Children• Explain clearly what divorce means• Describe attempts to improve relationship• Emphasis both parents will love and care for the kids and that

children and will see both parents• Don’t assess blame• Describe any changes in child's day to day experiences• Tour new residence, give phone numbers• Communicate child is not responsible• Assure children they are free to love both parents• Encourage questions• Parents should tell children together• Tell all at once• Parents should indicate the decision has been made rationally and

reached sadly.

Tips for Weekend Visitations

• Provide a permanent place to keep his things. • Ensure child’s things are undisturbed• Establish routines• Don’t overdo special activities• Spend time alone with each child• Encourage the child to bring a friend• Schedule family meetings when visiting children

are present

An Alternative to Divorce?

• High conflict in marriage often leads to high conflict after divorce (kids don’t escape it)

• Focus on Positives (80/20 phenomenon)• Focus on what small changes you can make• Set clear, small, simple goals that are action

oriented§ E.g.. Vague: Be respectful

Action: You will ask me about my dayI will compliment you about your work

Alternative to Divorce?

• Focus on Exceptions § Avoid blanket statements (“He always….”)§ Find the exception to the blanket statement§ Problems begin to shrink when black & white

thinking is acknowledged§ Exceptions demonstrate that people are

changeable.§ Exceptions can supply solutions§ Exceptions empower people

Ten Major Issues for Families of Remarriage

• Name for the new parent• Affection for the new parent and the absent parent• Loss of the natural parent• Instant love of new family• Fantasy about re-creating the primary family• Discipline by the stepparent• Confusion over family roles• Sibling conflict• Competition for time and attention• Sexual Conflicts

How Step Families are different than First Time Families

• Stepfamilies come about because of a loss• The parent/child relationship has a longer history than the

new couple's relationship• A biological parent (ex-spouse) is in another place• Children are members of two households• Stepparents may be asked to assume a parental role

before emotional ties with the stepchild have been established

• There is no legal relationship between stepparents and stepchildren

Step-Parenting Roles

Misguided Stepparent Effective StepparentTries to Replace the Absent Parent

Recognizes importance of noncustodial parent

Demands love and acceptance Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and children

Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same

Allows time for relationships to develop

Manages everyone else’s relationships

Manages own relationships with each child

Step-Parenting Roles

Misguided Stepparent Effective StepparentAssumes peacemaker role Understands family life cannot

always be happyStrives to be perfect and thus counteract “wicked step-parent”

Possesses the courage to be imperfect

Feels sorry for children of loss Accepts grief and loss as part of life’s experiences

Insists on family unity Lets go

Stepfamily Life Cycle

• Fantasy• Confusion• Crazy Time• Stability• Commitment