Introduction:

The Responsible Fatherhood Program at Emerge was established in 2002 for the purpose of providing parenting education for fathers with a history of intimate partner violence. It was originally modeled at the Caring Dads Program of London Ontario. The Program manual, Caring Dads: Helping Fathers Value Their Children, developed by Katreena Scott, Karen Francis, Claire Crooks and Tim Kelly, can be purchased at http://www.caringdads.com This site also contains information about trainings on the Caring Dads Model, including how to become certified to use the model and to become a trainer on the model, as well as very useful information about how to establish community partnerships to support fatherhood education groups.

The Emerge Responsible Fatherhood Program has been substantially adapted since its inception in many ways that differ from the original Caring Dads Model. This includes being of shorter duration (12 sessions compared to 17), having 6 lessons that were developed by Emerge, and 2 that were adapted from other models, including one that was developed by the Fathering After Violence Model, developed by Futures Without Violence. For more information about this model, visit their website at www.futureswithoutviolence.org The Emerge Responsible Fatherhood Program is appropriate for custodial or noncustodial fathers who have a history of having committed domestic abuse, and who have completed or are concurrently attending a state-certified abuser intervention program. It is not intended for fathers who have only committed child abuse or neglect, without the additional element of intimate partner violence.

This document is not intended as a full Program Manual but rather as a Curriculum. For more information about Emerge Responsible Fatherhood Program, contact Emerge at info@emergedv.com or David Adams at dadams9@aol.com, or visit our website at www.emergedv.comDavid Adams

EMERGE Responsible Fatherhood Program

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Curriculum:Session 1: Introductions, Goals, The Family I Come FromSession 2: Praising ChildrenSession 3: Knowing My ChildSession 4: Listening to your ChildrenSession 5: Understanding Children at Different AgesSession 6: Problem SolvingSession 7: What’s My Parenting Style?Session 8: Methods of Child DisciplineSession 9: Child Management StrategiesSession 10: Impact of Partner Abuse on ChildrenSession 11: Modeling Respect and Empathy to MothersSession 12: Evaluation

SESSION 1: Overview of Program Rules, My Goals, What Did I Learn from my Father?

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Program Rules: Attend at least 11 of the 12 sessions Complete all homework assignments Actively participate in classroom exercises and assignments Cannot be impaired with alcohol or drugs (in judgement of group

leaders) Cannot use cell phones during class Accurately report all children’s names and ages, and names of their

mothers Cannot miss last class

Exercise: Group Member Introductions

Each member writes on piece of newsprint (with pre-printed questions):1) Name

2) Names and ages of all children

3) Names of each child’s mother

4) With whom is each child living?

5) How often do you see each child?

6) What are two goals you have for yourself in taking the parenting program?

7) Who referred you to the program?

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Exercise: The Family I Come From

1) Ask each member to fill out the Family I Come From questionnaire. Allow 10 minutes.

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2) First ask if any group members didn’t have a father or father figure in their upbringing. If they did not have a father, tell them to respond to the questions as if they were being asked about their mother.

3) Ask each group member to give his responses to Part One, Questions 1-2, Part Two, Question 1, Part Three, Question 1, Part Four, Questions 1-2.

4) Facilitate large group discussion about the similarities and differences in group member’s upbringings.

Handout: The Family I Come From5

Part One:1. Choose three words to describe your father

______________ _____________ ______________2. What did your father teach you about men and what men should be doing?

Part Two:1. Was there someone in your family who helped you when you were hurt or upset? Who?

2. Who did your father talk to when he was upset?

3. Who did your mother talk to when she was angry or upset?

4. Who was most able to get support and attention in your family?

Part Three:1. Who enforced discipline in your family? How was it done?

2. What happened when you broke your father’s rules?

3. What did your father teach you about the use of discipline?

4. Do you agree with the way your father disciplined you?

Part Four:1. What are three good things you learned from your father about how to be a parent? (Good habits or behaviors?)

2. What are three bad things you learned from your father about how to be a parent? (Bad habits or behaviors?)

Additional Handout:

Ten Ways to be a better dad

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1)Respect your child’s mother

2)Spend time with your children

3)Earn the right to be heard

4)Discipline with love

5)Read to your children

6) Show affection

7) Eat together as a family

8) Be a teacher and a role model

9) Realize that a father’s job is never done

10) Join a father’s group

SESSION 2: Praising Children

Exercise: Recognize Differences between Good and Bad Praise

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1) Ask group members to brainstorm examples of bad praise of children. (Tip: start with open brainstorm but give some prompts to get them started on the right track)

Examples: Vague or general praise Stock praise Comparing praise That’s good, but…… Tired, unenthusiastic praise Gender stereo-typical praise (eg only praising girls for being pretty or

boys for being tough, athletic she is ‘pretty’) False praise One-upping praise Sarcastic praise

2) Brainstorm: How does each form of bad praise affect children?3) Ask each member to identify his most common two examples of bad

praise (putting each person’s initials next to each form of bad praise on the brainstormed list)

4) Ask group members to brainstorm examples of good praiseExamples:

Sincere Specific to child Thoughtful Enthusiastic Varied Appreciating, thanking Focus on child’s strengths

5) Ask members to say which forms for good praise do they most commonly use (putting each person’s initials next to each form of good praise on the brainstormed list)6) Point out that praise can be for:

Abilities (“You are a good singer”)Achievement (“Your paper is well written; I like how it tells a story and has

lots of interesting characters”)Effort (“I appreciation how much preparation and effort you put into this” Overcoming dilemmas (“I like how you didn’t give up”, “I appreciate that you

were honest and told me what happened”)

Exercise: How were you praised as a child?

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1) Distribute Handout: “How were you praised as a Child?”

2) Allow 5 minutes for group members to fill out?

3) Ask each member to give his answers

4) Assign homework, Fathering Log 1, for next week

Handout: How Were You Praised as a Child?

1) Is there anything that you wanted to be praised for as a child that you were not?

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2) What is the most meaningful praise that you ever received as a child?

3) How gave you this praise?

Homework Assignment: Fathering Log 1

1) This week, the things I felt good about as a father were:

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2) In what specific ways did you praise or appreciate each child this past week?

3) If no contact with the child: In what ways would you praise the child if you did have contact? (Tip: Think about how the child spends the day, what school or other activities he/she is involved in, what kind of developmental milestones he/she might have accomplished (E.g. first words, learned to walk, dress themself, etc.)

4) This week, the things I struggled with as a father were:

SESSION 3: Knowing My ChildHomework Review:

1. Ask each group member to give his answers to Questions 1-4 of last week’s homework assignment.

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2. Discuss and give feedback when appropriate (E.g., Give support for any positive examples of praise given to children, Give constructive feedback if the praise given a child could have been more in line with the guidelines for good praise in last week’s lesson.

Pre-group preparation for Exercise about Knowing My ChildCreate three different wall charts. Each wall chart has a set of questions about a particular age range of children. The questions are written as headers across the top with blank lined rows underneath for the men to use in answering the questions. Place each of the set of questions on a separate wall. Alternative Option: Create a handout for each set of questions for the men to fill out individually.

Exercise: Knowing My Child1. Introduce the exercise by saying that you have developed a separate

set of questions (wall chart) for three age ranges of children: 1) Age birth-5, 2) ages 6-12, ages 13-20

2. Ask the men to circulate to each wall chart and use a magic marker to answer the questions for each child. Some men with children of differing age ranges, may need to fill out two or all three of the charts. Point out that several men can fill out the same chart simultaneously if they start on a different row, some men responding to the questions from left to right and others responding to them in reverse order.

3. Give about 15 minutes for the men to fill out the wall charts. 4. Bring the men back together and have all the men who responded to

Chart 1 (Ages birth-5) take turns to give their answers orally to the whole group, starting with the child listed on the top row and proceeding downward until each child is covered. After each child is discussed, make note of similarities (E.g. in common fears of children of this age range, common foods they like and don’t like, etc.

5. Once all responses to Chart one are given, repeat the same steps for Charts 2 and 3.

Wall Chart 1: Questions about preschool children (birth-5):

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1. Child’s name and age2. Describe your child’s appearance (eye and hair color)3. What are your child’s favorite toys?4. What is your child most interested in learning about?5. What activity can he/she do a long time without getting bored?6. What is his/her favorite food?7. What is a food he/she won’t eat?8. What is the name of his/her pediatrician?9. What is the name of his/her dentist?10. How do you know when he/she is upset?11. What is his/her biggest fear?

Wall Chart 2: Questions about children aged 6-12

1. Child’s name and age2. Describe your child’s appearance (eye and hair color)3. Who is his/her best friend?4. What is the name of his/her teacher?5. What is his/her best subject in school?6. What is his/her worst subject in school?7. What is his/her favorite musician or group?8. How is he/she most like you?9. How is he/she most like his/her mother?10. How do you know when he/she is upset?11. What does he/she most take pride in?

Wall Chart 3: Questions about children aged 13-20

1. Child’s name and age2. Describe your child’s appearance (height and weight)3. Who is his/her best friends?4. What is his/her natural talent?5. What is his/her best subject in school?6. What is his/her worst subject in school?7. What is his/her favorite musician or group?8. How is he/she least like you?9. What is his/her biggest recent disappointment?10. What does she/he most want to be?

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11. What is an unusual trait or habit?

Wall Chart 1: (Ages birth – 5)Name/Age of Child?

Color of eyes/hair?

Favorite Toys?

Favorite food?

Food he/she won’t eat?

Most interested in learning about?

Can do for a long time without getting bored?

Name of pediatrician?

Name of dentist?

How do you know when he/she is upset?

His/her biggest fear?

Wall Chart 2: (Ages 6-12)Name/Age of Child?

Height/Weight?

Name of best friend?

Name of teacher?

Best subject in school?

Worst subject in school?

Favorite music?

How is she/he most like you?

How is she/he most like their

How do you know when

What does she/he most

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mother? he/she is upset?

take pride in?

Wall Chart 3: (Ages 13-20)Name/Age of Child?

Height/Weight?

Name of best friends?

Natural talent?

Best subject in school?

Worst subject in school?

Favorite music?

How is she/he least like you?

His her biggest recent disappoint-ment?

What he/she wants to be?

What is an unusual trait or habit?

SESSION 4: Listening to your ChildrenExercise: Good and Bad Listening

1) Ask group members to brainstorm examples of bad listening to children.Examples:

Not listening, ignoring Tired or disinterested listening Distracted listening Finishing child’s sentences, or rushing them to ‘get to the point’ Laughing about something that the child is upset about Interrupting or Changing the topic Not making eye contact Not making time, acting rushed

2) Brainstorm how does each form of bad listening affects children.

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3) Ask each member to identify his most common two examples of bad listening.

4) Ask group members to brainstorm examples of good listeningExamples:

Making eye contact, getting down to their level Giving undivided attention Showing interest, being enthusiastic Asking questions, feeding the topic Making time to talk/adding conversation to activities Remembering things that are important to child and asking about it

(without interrogating)5) Ask members to say which forms for good listening they most commonly

use.6) Ask members to identify which types of listening they need to most

practice with their children

SESSION 5: Understanding Children and Different AgesExercise: Chidrens’ Concerns and Abilities at Different Ages

1) Working from handout or wall display, present information about children’s typical concerns and abilities at different ages (age 1-4, age 5-7, age 8-11, teens), while asking what the members have noticed about their children of this age

2) Encourage open discussion throughout about the men’s observations about their own children

3) Give Children’s Concerns and Abilities Handout

4) Assign homework

Ages 1-4:Typical Needs and Concerns- relies on routines

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- is concerned about pleasing parents- needs to feel that his/her family is secure- fears being abandoned by you

Thinking Abilities- has difficulty understanding time- relies on you to explain what is going on- cannot see things through your eyes- gets confused with long directions and complex statements

Emotional Control- is easily frustrated- has trouble calming down by him/herself- changes moods quickly

Behavior Control

- often grabs, hits or pushes to get something- is impulsive and has trouble waiting for things- switches quickly from one thing to another

Sexual and Gender Development- calms down by sucking and being rocked or cuddled- sometimes touches or plays with his/her private parts- is trying to figure out what makes girls and boys different

Ages 5-7:Typical Needs and Concerns- worries a lot about conflict in the family- blames him/herself for arguments in his/her family- wants you to feel proud of him/her- likes to solve problems for him/herself

Thinking Abilities

- thinks in black and white, good and bad- cannot consider multiple points of view at the same time- not good at talking about feelings, (e.g. ‘says I don’ know)- gets confused with long directions and complex statements

Emotional Control

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- doesn’t like to lose games or contests- starts to be able to be able to cope with feelings by him/herself- sometimes shows feelings physically (e.g., sore stomach)- acts out feelings

Behavior Control- has more ability to wait for things- is impulsive and has trouble waiting for things

- limited ability to share toys/attention with others

Sexual and Gender Development- may start to ‘play doctor’ - forms concept of marriage by playing games like ‘house’- may be curious about private parts of other kids and adults

Ages 8-11:Typical Needs and Concerns- worries about how he/she compares to others- may try to solve conflicts in the family- gains pride and self-confidence when he/she is able to do things- concerned about rules being applied fairly

Thinking Abilities- routinely considers the thoughts and feelings of others- doesn’t understand sarcasm or double meanings- has difficulty with abstract thought (e.g. ‘what if?’)- adult assistance is still required for thinking through difficult situations

Emotional Control- feelings shown in behavior and words- will talk about feelings but seldom in response to adult demands- tends to be very sensitive to being criticized, embarrassed, or ridiculedSexual and Gender Development- will go through a period of reacting to sexual ideas with disgust and avoidance- starts to feel attraction to others and may try holding hands,

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kissing or touching- plays mostly with children of the same sex

Ages 12 +:Needs and Concerns- often feels there is an audience watching his/her every move- withdraws from family tension and conflict- often insists on making decisions on his/her own- fitting in with others is very important

Thinking Abilities- worries often about how he/she is seen by others- likes to try out new thinking skills by arguing with parents- development of mature behaviors may not keep pace with adult- like thinking skills- enjoys thinking about things from all possible angles

Emotional Control- expresses moods clearly- is experimenting with different ways of showing feelings- commonly questions his or her emotional reactions

Sexual and Gender Development- will very likely start to masturbate- interested in sex and likely to become sexually active- will feel self-conscious about his/her changing body

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Handout: Children’s Concerns and Abilities at Different AgesAges 1-4:Typical Needs and Concerns

- relies on routines

- is concerned about pleasing parents

- needs to feel that his/her family is secure

- fears being abandoned by you

Thinking Abilities

- has difficulty understanding time- relies on you to explain what is going on

- cannot see things through your eyes

- gets confused with long directions and complex statements

Emotional Control

- is easily frustrated- has trouble calming down by him/herself- changes moods quickly

Behavior Control

- often grabs, hits or pushes to get something- is impulsive and has trouble waiting for things

- switches quickly from one thing to another

Sexual and Gender Development

- calms down by sucking and being rocked or cuddled- sometimes touches or plays with his/her private parts

- is trying to figure out what makes girls and boys different

Ages 5-7:Typical Needs and Concerns

- worries a lot about conflict in the family- blames him/herself for arguments in his/her family- wants you to feel proud of him/her

- likes to solve problems for him/herself

Thinking Abilities

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- thinks in black and white, good and bad- cannot consider multiple points of view at the same time- not good at talking about feelings, (e.g. ‘says I don’ know)- gets confused with long directions and complex statements

Emotional Control

- doesn’t like to lose games or contests- starts to be able to be able to cope with feelings by him/herself- sometimes shows feelings physically (eg, sore stomach)- acts out feelings

Behavior Control

- has more ability to wait for things- is impulsive and has trouble waiting for things- limited ability to share toys/attention with others

Sexual and Gender Development

- may start to ‘play doctor’ - forms concept of marriage by playing games like ‘house’- may be curious about private parts of other kids and adults

Ages 8-11:Typical Needs and Concerns

- worries about how he/she compares to others- may try to solve conflicts in the family- gains pride and self-confidence when he/she is able to do things- concerned about rules being applied fairly

Thinking Abilities- routinely considers the thoughts and feelings of others- doesn’t understand sarcasm or double meanings- has difficulty with abstract thought (e.g. ‘what if?’)- adult assistance is still required for thinking through difficult situations

Emotional Control- feelings shown in behavior and words- will talk about feelings but seldom in response to adult demands- tends to be very sensitive to being criticized, embarrassed, or RidiculedSexual and Gender Development- will go through a period of reacting to sexual ideas with disgust and avoidance- starts to feel attraction to others and may try holding hands, kissing or touching- plays mostly with children of the same sex

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Ages 12 +:Needs and Concerns- often feels there is an audience watching his/her every move- withdraws from family tension and conflict- often insists on making decisions on his/her own- fitting in with others is very important

Thinking Abilities- worries often about how he/she is seen by others- likes to try out new thinking skills by arguing with parents- development of mature behaviors may not keep pace with adult- like thinking skills- enjoys thinking about things from all possible angles

Emotional Control

- expresses moods clearly- is experimenting with different ways of showing feelings- commonly questions his or her emotional reactions

Sexual and Gender Development- will very likely start to masturbate- interested in sex and likely to become sexually active- will feel self-conscious about his/her changing body

SESSION 6: Problem-SolvingExercise: What Would You Do If……?1) Hand out “What would you do if…. sheet

2) Divide men into 2 groups, assigning one to answer the odd-numbered questions and the other to answer the even-numbered ones. Give them 10 minutes to discuss. Ask each group to assign a recorder.

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3) Bring groups back together to report their answers to the questions, and generate group discussion about each problem and solutions. Relate the solutions to developmental stages of children as much as possible.

4) Assign Homework, Fathering Log 2, for next week

Handout: What Would You Do If……………?

1. At mealtime, your 3-year-old eats a few bites then leaves the table to play. When you ask him to come back to the table and finish eating he says, “no”.

2. Your 10-year-old stomps into the house and goes immediately upstairs, slamming the bedroom door and leaving the test she took on the kitchen table. When you ask her what’s wrong, she says, “I hate school”.

3. Your 16-year-old son got in trouble in school because he punched another boy after the boy called him “a faggot”.

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4. Your 17-year-old tells you, “I’m sick of you telling me what to do. I’m not a child and I’ll do what I want. So, leave me alone”.

5. Your pre-schooler wants to dress without help but still has difficulty getting things on the right way.

6. Your 6-year-old says she doesn’t like her best friend, Maddie, any more, and tells you she never wants to go to her house anymore.

7. After a shopping trip with your 15-year-old, you discover that he has a new pair of expensive sun glasses that you did not buy for him. He had claimed he had no money.

8. Your 8-year-old son has just run all the way home after some bigger kids ganged up on him.

9. Your 3-year-old has been toilet trained for one year but recently has begun to wet the bed during her visits with you.

10. You are especially tired when your 4-year-old wants to play with you.

11. For the second time, you ask your 9-year-old stepson to turn off the TV and get ready for bed. He says, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my father”.

12. Your 16-year-old daughter has never been out on a date with a boy. When you ask her about this, she says she thinks she’s attracted mostly to girls but isn’t sure. Her best friend is 18 and has recently come out to her parents as lesbian.

13. Your 4-year-old tells you a story that you know cannot be true, something like “…..and then I saw a dinosaur and chased him back into his den”

14. Your 4-year-old boy’s favorite toy is a Barbie doll. His sister often complains that he has taken one of her dolls.

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15. You find out from your 12-year-old that your 16-year-old daughter went to party on a night when she’d told you she was studying with two friends at the library.

16. You put your 3-year-old to bed and he keeps getting out of bed to ask for things.

17. Your 5 and 7 year-old ask you why you don’t live at home with them.

18. Your 4-year-old balks at getting into the bathtub, but once he’s in and the bath is finished, he balks at getting out.

Homework: Fathering Log 2

1. This week, things I felt good about as a father were:

2. Which kind of praise or appreciation have you mostly been doing (achievement, skill, effort, overcoming dilemmas, determination, and participation?). What did you say? (please be specific).

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3. This week, things I struggled with as a father were:

4. I would rate my parenting skills this past week on a scale of 1 – 5 as a ___________

“1” means I did not feel good at all about the parenting choices I made

“5” means I felt great

SESSION 7: Problem-SolvingHomework Review: 1. Ask each group member to give his answers to Questions 1-4 of last week’s homework assignment.

2. Discuss and give feedback as needed (E.g., Give support for any positive examples of praise given to children, Give constructive feedback if the praise given a child could have been more in line with the guidelines for good praise in last week’s lesson.

Exercise: What’s My Parenting Style?

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1) Refer to “What Style Are You?” wall chart and/or hand out sheet that describes each of the 4 parenting styles and how each style effects children

2) Describe each style. Group leaders discuss each style in depth, recommending the Authoritative style and how it differs from the other three in terms of its expectations and its effects on children.

3) Each group member is asked to identify which style he most resembles, keeping in mind it might be a combination of styles.

Authoritative:Explains rulesResponds to child’s changing needsAdapts parenting styleTrusts and respects childGives opportunities for child to make choices

Authoritarian:Needs to maintain power and control over childStern and controllingLikes to have a lot of rulesExpects child to be obedient

Indulgent:Needs child to feel loving toward parentActs more as friend than parentWishy-washyInconsistent or no limits set

Disengaged:Cold or uninvolvedNeglectfulDefers to others (teacher, other parent, etc.)Does not have opinion about what should be done

4) Distribute the Situational Scenarios handout. Ask each member to fill it out individually. After everyone has completed it, ask each member to give

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his answers to each of the two scenario in turn, starting with the first and

proceeding to the second.

Handout 1: Parenting StylesParenting Style Description Effects on Child

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Authoritative Explains rules Varies expectations Responds to child’s changing

needs Adapts parenting style Flexible Trusts and respects child Plenty of opportunity to make

choices Patient

Self-starter Creative problem solver Confident, well adjusted Independent thinker

Authoritarian Needs to maintain power and control over child

Stern and controlling Likes to have a lot of rules Expects child to be obedient Holds rigid expectations Inflexible (‘rules are rules’) Impatient

Excels at avoiding punishment and following orders

Moody Fearful Rebels against those perceived

as mean

Indulgent Needs child to feel loving toward parent

Won’t say ‘no’ Spoils child Wishy-washy Inconsistent or no limits set Tries to be child’s ‘friend’

Insecure & unsettled because he/she has too much control

Self-centered Little respect for authority Demanding, entitled

Disengaged Cold and uninvolved Neglectful Defers to others (teacher, other

parent, etc.). Does not have own opinion about what should be done

Emotionally uninvolved

Low self-esteem Thinks parents don’t love

him/her Attention getter Manipulative, rebellious Likely to indulge in drugs,

alcohol

Handout 2: Situational Scenarios

Instructions: Read the passages below and the choices for responding to the passage. Choose the one that most nearly represents how you think you’d respond.

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Your 16-year old, a junior in high school, is beginning to think about college. What would you most likely tell her?

1. “I know how busy you are, so give me a list of the schools you’re interested in and I’ll write away for catalogs”.

2. “Why don’t we make a list of the schools you’re interested in and make a plan for getting information?”

3. “You don’t have to make yourself crazy. The best place for you is the college in town. That way you can live at home while you’re going and it will be cheaper”.

4. “When you make a decision, let me know”.

5. “Let me know if I can help”.6. “Are you sure you’re really ready for college? You’ve never talked about it before and, you’ll

have to admit, your grades are not that good”.

Your third grader, who is 8, has homework. He wants to go outside to play, despite a family rule that homework must come first. Would you tell him?

1. “Let’s look at your homework and see how much time you think it will take you to do it. If it’s not much, maybe we can make an exception today”.

2. “I don’t care – just don’t bother me right now, I’m on the phone”. (similar response to “Whatever”)

3. “I don’t even want to hear this. You know what the rule is”.

4. “Sure. But just for a little while. You deserve to have some fun”.5. “Whenever you get a bad grade you blame it on the teacher. Did you ever think that it might be

because you’re irresponsible?”

SESSION 8: Methods of Child Discipline Exercise: Discipline, Punishment and Abuse

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1) Group leaders refer to wall chart and/or provide handout that outlines the differences between discipline, punishment and abuse as ways of responding to children, making use of a matching wall display that lists the different purposes and effects of each method.2) Generate discussion about each method, while having each man identify which he is most apt to use.

3) Group leaders stress the merits of discipline, in terms of its more positive short and long term effects on children. 4) Provide handout entitled, “Effective Methods of Discipline”

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Handout 2: Effective Methods of Discipline

Never discipline when angry Decide if it’s really a problem. If it is then, is it negotiable? Decide what outcome you’d like Make sure the child knows you care Let the child know you respect him/her State what the misbehavior is Reassure that this is about his/her behavior, not about him/her Offer the child a choice Operate as a team, when possible, with the other parent Be consistent Ask the child what he/she thinks the consequences should be Make consequences fit the behavior

SESSION 9: Child Management Strategies33

Exercise: When you are irritated with a child

1) Ask each person to think of a behavior that irritates him about one of his children

2) After hearing each member’s answer, group leaders choose 1-2 situations to discuss, using the following set of questions

3) Starting with the first situation, ask the irritated parent to respond to each question, writing his responses on the prepared wall chart (see handout) that has each question listed across the top.

4) As the parent responds to each question, ask group members if the parent’s response is clear, logical and fair to the child, (E.g. sometimes in response to question 1 the parent isn’t clear about what the problem is, or articulates it in a manner that is not clear to the child, as in, “He (the child) likes to whine” or “she has an attitude”. Once their feedback is incorporated in response to question 1, proceed to question 2, again soliciting feedback. (E.g. sometimes the person is not clear about what he wants the child to do instead, as when he says “I want him to stop whining” In such a case, solicit ideas about how this could be made more clear to the child, such as “Please talk in a normal voice”, or “Honey, I understand what is upsetting you, but let’s talk about something else”. After the parent’s response to Question 3, again solicit feedback from other members. In some cases, the desired behavior is not age appropriate, such as an expectation that a 2-year old not whine. After the parent’s response to question 4, solicit alternative ideas about what the child’s behavior is about. If, for instance, the irritated parents says that the whining child just likes to get his way, alternative interpretations could be that the child is tired or hungry or bored, or the child is unhappy about living in two homes, etc. Follow the same steps for the remaining questions and answers. Often, the solution (re Questions 5-6) are for the parent to change his behavior, either by changing his expectations or the circumstances that give rise to the child’s ‘irritating’ behavior.

5) Distribute Homework assignment, Fathering Log 3, for next session

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Handout or Wall Chart

Questions to Ask When Irritated with my Child

1) What is the behavior I would like to change?

2) What do I want the child to do instead?

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3) Are my expectations age appropriate?

4) What is this behavior about?

5) Are there any ways this behavior/problem could be avoided?

6) Could this situation resolve itself without my intervention?

7) If not, what, if any, consequences could I create for this situation?

8) How can I respond in a way that encourages the desired behavior?

9) What changes can I make?

Homework Assignment: Fathering Log 3

1. This week, things I felt good about as a father were:

2. What I noticed about my child that was unique or that I had never noticed before was: (please be specific)

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3. So far I have made good progress toward my goal(s) by: (be specific about what you have done) (refer to your “My Goals” sheet from session 1)

4. My parenting skills have improved over the past 2 months in the following ways:

5. I would rate my parenting skills this past week on a scale of 1 – 5 as a ___________

“1” means I did not feel good at all about the parenting choices I made

“5” means I felt great

SESSION 10: Impact of Partner Abuse on Children

Homework Review: 1. Ask each group member to give his answers to Questions 1-5 of last week’s homework assignment.

2. Discuss and give feedback as needed (E.g., Give support for any positive examples of praise given to children, Give constructive feedback if the praise given a child could have been more in line with the guidelines for good praise in last week’s lesson.

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Exercise: Children’s Drawings of Abusive Fathers

1) Brainstorm list of ways that children might be affected by their exposure to abuse of the mother (either by witnessing it or its aftermath)

2) Distribute children’s drawings of their fathers (or how them on powerpoint projector) Note: This pictures are available at Futures Without Violence as part of the Fathering Without Violence Curriculum.

3) Ask men to analyze each picture in terms of what the child is communicating about his father. Afterwards, reach the child’s caption.

4) Provide crayons and paper and ask each man to draw a picture of himself as he imagines his child might see him after he has abused the child’s mother.

5) Ask each man to display and explain his drawing.

6) Distribute and discuss Handout: Negative Role Modeling

7) Distribute and discuss Handout: Effects on Children of Abuse of Mother

Alternative Lesson 10: Show Futures Without Violence DVD, Something My Father Might Say, as part of the Fathering After Violence Curriculum. Ask each man to identify whether, and how, he identifies with any of the three men who give their story in the DVD.

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Handout: Negative Role Modeling

You’re useless Name calling Being condescending Laughing when others criticize her ….her housekeeping, her cooking, her ideas, opinions How she dresses How she carries herself Her helping others Being preoccupied and “neglecting” things Saying mean things like “I could have a better conversation with the wall”

Handout: Effects on Children of Abuse of Mother44

Effects of Criticisms on Children Copy your words Confused Put in middle Worried Scared Becomes overprotective of mom Divided loyalty Feels guilty Sad Helpless Withdraw socially Tantrums Nightmares Trouble sleeping Hides positive feelings for mom Embarrassed Self-conscious Uses same language on others—sees this talk as “normal” May think of self the same way May not be attended to mom if she is depressed Not share opinions, ideas Break up of family

SESSION 11: Impact of Partner Abuse on Children

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Exercise: Positive Role Modeling of Respect and Empathy1) Explain that children absorb virtually every interaction (both verbal and

nonverbal) between parents 2) Brainstorm ways that children might be affected by father’s criticisms of

their mother3) Go over 7 elements of respect and 6 elements of empathy4) Have each member score himself on handout5) Each member identifies where he gave himself -0s and 1s on the score

sheet6) Ask each to discuss his motivation to become a better role model

Handout or Wall Chart

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SESSION 12: Evaluation47

Exercise: What Have I Learned?1) Distribute Evaluation Form 1: Some Final Questions Regarding

Fathering 2) Allow 10 minutes for members to fill it out, completing one form for

the three oldest children3) Ask each member to give his answers to all 6 questions for each of

the children4) Turn in forms5) Distribute Evaluation Form 2: How Did You Benefit from the Class?6) Allow 5 minutes for members to fill out7) Ask each member to give his answers to Questions 1-28) Distribute Evaluation Form 3: Which Lessons Were Most Useful?9) Allow 5 minutes for each member to fill out10) Ask each to name the three lessons he found most useful

Handout 1

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Some Final Questions Regarding Fathering

1. What is something you learned about your child? Child’s name:_______.

2. What insights have you gained from your partner or ex-partner that have helped you strengthen your relationship with your child?

3. How would your child describe your relationship to his/her mother?

4. What specifically makes your child different from other children of the same age?

5. What gifts or talents does your child have that are different from yours?

6. If your child were able to give you feedback as a father, in what area would he/she encourage you to improve?

© Responsible Fatherhood Program, Emerge, www.emergedv.com

Handout 2

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How Did You Most Benefit from the Class?

1) How did you most benefit from the parenting class?

2) What topic would you have liked for us to have spent more time on?

3) Since you began attending the parenting class, please indicate whether the following things have happened:

a) The amount of time (including telephone contact) I spend with my child/children has:

_____ increased _____ decreased _____ stayed the same

b) The amount of my ‘quality time’ with my child/children has: _____ increased

_____ decreased _____ stayed the same

c) My overall attitude toward my child/children has been ____ more positive ____ stayed the same

d) Overall, toward my child/children, I _____ listen more _____ listen about the same

e) Overall, toward my child/children, I show _____ more affection _____ about the same

f) Overall, toward my child/children, I am _____ more patient _____ about the same

g) Toward the mother(s) of my children, I have become: _____ more civil (meaning polite, respectful)

_____ less civil _____ no change_____ no contact with her

h) My understanding of what children need from a parent has ____ increased ____ stayed the same

i) Information from the class will help me to be a better parent_____ yes_____no

Handout 3

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Which Lessons Did You Find Most Useful?

Directions: Which of the following exercises did you find most useful to you (pick three with a check mark but put a NA for each one that you didn’t attend)

___ Recognizing what I learned from my father

___ Good praise versus bad praise

___ Taking a quiz to identify what I know and don’t know about my child

___ Good and bad listening

___ Identifying children’s thinking and emotional control abilities at different ages.

___ What would you do if……?

___ What’s my parentig style?

___ Discipline vs. Punishment

___ When your irritated with a child, ask these questions first

___ Children’s drawings

___ Modeling respect and empathy to your children

___ Evaluation

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