CODEPENDENCY: LIVING WITH AN ADDICTBy: Amy RezaFamily Systems

Codependency From this presentation I would like for

you to gain some knowledge about how to cope and how to see signs of addiction. I would like to give you some strategies and tools to become more aware of yourself and be able to in the end help yourself. I would also like to share an activity at the end to help you when you are having a rough day coping.

How do you know if you may be dealing with an addict?

They feel guilty or ashamed about their drinking. Lie to others or hide their drinking habits. Have friends or family members who are worried

about their drinking. Need to drink in order to relax or feel better. “Black out” or forget what they did while they

were drinking. Regularly drink more than they intended to. (Smith, Melinda, M.A., Robinson, Lawrence, and Segal,

Jeanne, Ph.D.)

What is Codependency? Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or

a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

(wikipedia)

Signs of Codependency taking responsibility for someone else’s actions worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor

choices doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own

needs manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved in a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs.

“want to do”) enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t

want to care for themselves

Coming Out of Codependency

Many feel that they will lose who they are if they are not codependent. In reality, we become more ourselves when we are less of what others expect from us. (Bogdanos, Maria)

Coping Strategies Don’ts You can’t control others actions Don’t take the blame for others actions You are not responsible to the actions of the addict Detach-let the addict do things they can do for themselves If you are in danger or there is violence, have a plan, know the

signs Don't encourage your alcoholic/addict family member to go with

you to social situations in which alcohol and drug use will go on. Try not to be impatient for recovery to take place. Remember

that it probably took a long time for your family to get into this situation and it will probably take some time for really significant improvements to occur.

Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s Try to learn the facts about alcoholism and other drug

addiction. Keep an open mind. Recognize addiction for what it is-a disease of the body,

mind, behavior, and spirit from which people can and do recover. Like other diseases, nobody really intends to get it or wish it upon their loved ones once they have it.

Practice detachment. Do not allow yourself to become obsessed with your family member.

Set realistic limits and expectations but don't think that you can exercise complete control over the alcoholic/addict. Change has to come from within them.

Do’s and Don’ts Attend meetings of Al-anon and open meetings of Alcoholics

Anonymous. Take life a day at a time. It is impossible to predict what will happen

with an addicted person in the family. Take your eyes off of the alcoholic and turn them squarely upon

yourself. What do you need to learn about yourself? Remember the needs of other family members during the difficult

times of active addiction. Try to be there for your children. Explain the illness of addiction to them in terms they can understand.

If you find yourself feeling anxious, depressed, helpless and hopeless, seek out a mental health professional who, in addition to expertise in mental health, has some understanding of addiction in the family

(St. Vincent's Westchester Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services)

Family Involvement These are legitimate concerns, and while families should

understand that approaching their loved one should be a gentle and supportive process, they also need to understand that most patients seek substance abuse treatment because of positive family involvement and intervention.

It is important to understand that the family dynamic in drug and alcohol addiction is incredibly powerful, and that addressing an unhealthy imbalance in communication is your first step in moving your loved one toward addiction therapy. This type of positive family involvement can also help lead the rest of your family toward a journey of recovery and self-discovery.

(GIFFORD ,STEVEN, LICDC, LPC)

Things To Do For The Addict… Behave exactly as you would if your loved one had a serious illness.

What would you do if they were diagnosed with heart disease or cancer? Educate yourself on addiction and recovery. Try not to accuse or judge. Avoid name calling. This is a difficult time for

both of you. Provide a sober environment that reduces triggers for using. Allow the addict time to go to meetings. Understand that your lives will change. Do not wish for your old life

back. Your old life to some extent is what got you here. You both need to create a new life where it is easier to not use alcohol or drugs.

Make sure that you both have time for fun. People use alcohol and drugs to relax, escape, and as a reward. The addict needs to find alternative ways to relax, escape, and as a reward otherwise they will turn back to their addiction.

(addictionsand recovery.org)

Things To Do For The Addict Cont’d…

Do not enable. Do not provide excuses or cover up for the addict.

Do not shield the addict from the consequences of their addiction. People are more likely to change if they have suffered enough negative consequences.

Set boundaries that you all agree on. The goal of boundaries is to improve the health of the family as a whole. Do not use boundaries to punish or shame.

If you want to provide financial support, buy the goods and services the addict needs instead of giving them money that they might use to buy alcohol or drugs.

Recognize and acknowledge the potential the addict has within them. (addictionsand recovery.org)

Things To Do For Yourself… Take care of yourself. Living with an addict is exhausting. You also need time

to recover. Avoid self-blame. You can’t control another person’s decisions, and you can’t

force them to change. Do not work harder than the addict. The best approach is to not do things for

the addict, but instead to be an example of balance and self-care. Being a caretaker is not good for you or the addict. Understand that there is

only so much you can do to change another person. Ask for help. Talk to a professional. Go to a support group such as Al-Anon.

(More support groups are listed below.) Do not argue or try to discuss things with the addict when they are under the

influence. It won’t get you anywhere. If at all possible, try not to be negative when dealing with the addict. That

may only increase their feelings of guilt and push them further into using.(addictionsandrecovery.org)

Be ready for a long road… Takes long periods of time to recover Most of the time it takes multiple

attempts and multiple treatments to become clean

Self change and treatment must take place

Psychological change also needs to take place

You as a codependent need to be prepared to deal with this road to recovery while living or dealing with an addict.

Al-AnonSelect open hyperlink for Al-Anon video All codependents should attend regular

al-anon meetings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc

Al-Anon Al-Anon, known as Al-Anon Family Groups, is an international

"fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems."The group's purpose is to "help families of alcoholics by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.“

Al-Anon was formed in 1951 by Anne B. and Lois W., wife of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) co-founder Bill W. They recognized the need for such an organization, as family members living with AA members began to identify their own pathologies associated with their family members' alcoholism.

(wikipedia)

Differences…Codependency

Good feelings stem from you liking me

Your struggle affects my serenity My self esteem comes from your

problems and relieving your pain My mental attention is focused

on pleasing you I may disguise my feeling

manipulating you to do it my way

My hobbies and interests are put aside; your hobbies and interests dominate

Recovery Good feeling stem from me

liking me Your struggle matters because

I care about you, but it does not control how I feel about myself

I’m free to please me even when it may not please you

I tell you the truth about how I feel regardless of the consequence

I pursue my hobbies and interests even if that means spending time away from you

Differences continued…Codependency

I’m afraid of your anger, it determines what I say or do

I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

I put my values aside

Recovery My commitment to

strength, hope and recovery determines what I say or do

I want to not only give, but I want to receive as well

I value your opinion, but not at the expense of mine

ActivityLove Baskets

Love Baskets A love basket is to help you on hard days

when you feel like you can’t cope or that there is no hope. The contents on the basket will remind you that you have strength and that you can get through this difficult time.

You will fill the basket with inspiring words, cards, and gifts from others. These things must be things that will give you hope when you are feeling down.

ReferencesBogdanos, M. (n.d.). Signs of Codependence and codependent

behavior. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/04/signs-of-

codependence-codependent-behavior/Henshaw, DPSYCH, S. (n.d.). How to Change Self-Destructive

Behavior: Stages of Change. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/10/17/how-to-change-

self-destructive-behavior-stages-of-change/Deitz, M. (n.d.). Coping with an alcoholic. Retrieved November 26,

2013, from http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/sex+relationships/relationships/c

oping+with+an+alcoholic,9447Symptoms of Alcoholism (n.d.). Retrieved November 26, 2013, from

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-alcoholism

References Continued…The Do's and Don'ts of Coping with Addiction in the Family (n.d.). Retrieved

November 26, 2013, from http://www.lanstat.com/downloads/dos_and_donts_handout.pdf

Smith, M.A., M., Robinson, L., & Segal, Ph.D., J. (n.d.). Helping a loved one with alcoholism or alcohol abuse. In Helpguide.org. Retrieved November 26, 2013,

from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treat

ment.htmGIFFORD, LICDC, LPC, S. (n.d.). Family Involvement is Important in Substance

Abuse Treatment. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/family-involvement-is-important-in-substance-

abuse-treatment/0006631

Melemis, PH.D. M.D., S. (n.d.). Help for the Family. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/families-and-

addiction.htm

References Continued…Codependency & Recovery-The Differences (n.d.). Retrieved

November 26, 2013, from http://www.docstoc.com/docs/37366685/CODEPENDENCY-

RECOVERY---The-Differences

(n.d.). In wikipedia. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Anon/Alateen

wikipedia (n.d.). Retrieved November 26, 2013, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency