communicate powerfully to get things done - a soft skills training seminar for miami dade college,...

COMMUNICATE POWERFULLY(TO GET THINGS DONE)

withMichelle Villalobos

(vee - ya - low - bos)

About me...Background

the feminist/research scientist years

the other “Madonna” years

the “Madonna” years

Intentions for today

A brief trip back in time... why we are the way we are

v v

vvv

Survival Of

The Fittest

“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!” – Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking Glass

CompetitionCaveman (& cavewoman) Style

women = less expendable

= non-violent competition

Specialization

nurturingcommunicating

reconciling

decisivecommandingcontrolling

“male” “female”

. . . . . .

Socialization, AKA:“Now, now, girls, play nice...”

“Women who adopt a masculine, ‘alpha-

female’ approach in the office earn more [and

get promoted more] than than their more passive

female colleagues.”– Businessweek, July 2010

Fact:

the “feminization”of leadership

on the bright side...

•always needs to win•doesn’t listen•doesn’t trust•loud•talks very fast

•never needs to win•only listens•too trusting•quiet•talks very slowly

•Don’t always win, but handles situations effectively

•Is an “Active Listener”•States expectations•Sets boundaries•Considers others feelings•States observations without

labels or judgments•Expresses self directly,

honestly, and quickly about issues & wants

•Confident, trusts self and others

•Open, flexible, versatile

•Decisive & action-oriented•Consistent•Uses direct eye contact•Has a varied rate of speech•Uses “I prefer” or “I’d rather” •Asks: “What are my options?”

“What are the alternatives?”•Negotiates, bargains, trades off,

compromises•Confronts problems as they

arise•Doesn’t bottle up negative

feelings•Feels well-understood

“assertive”

“assertive”

12 Steps To Striking The Balance

#1. Identify blind spots

- people won’t disagree with you- (or) you get into lots of arguments

- people often leave you angry or upset- you raise your voice a lot

- they act passive around you- you speak loud and fast

- you interrupt- you are impolite

- you often hear that you’re rude- you are intimidating

- you don’t share your thoughts/needs- you feel resentful

- you’re not getting what you deserve- you’re overly polite- you apologize a lot

- you back down from debates- you avoid conflict at all costs- people take advantage of you

- you can’t say no

#2. Body language & image

what do you notice?

Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830

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social is the new business

First impressions

5

• Eye contact• Body language• Clothes• Neatness • Expression• Attitude• “Props”• Greeting/handshake• Striking up rapport

http://www.MivistaInc.com



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To watch out for:

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• Distribution of eye contact• Arms/hands/fidgeting• “Resting face”• Smile-talking • Personal space / proximity• Leaning in• Other people around you




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Exercise in “Preferences”

5

#3 Learn To Read Personalities



rubies sapphiresDIRECTORS PROMOTERS

emeraldsANALYZERS

pearlsNURTURERS

(“do

min

ant”

sty

le)

(“pa

ssiv

e” s

tyle

)

(“formal” style) (“informal” style)

Director



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• Speaks strongly & confidently • Listens less & talks more •Can seem aggressive or impatient• Thinks out loud•Makes strong statements like:

- “Let's get this settled right now.”- “What's the bottom line?” - “Get to the point.”

Director (fast, formal)





Promoter

Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830

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• Outgoing & highly social • “People person”• Persuasive, instead of authoritative•Can seem less formal, more casual• Thinks out loud•Makes statements like:

- “Just give me the gist of the plan”- “Let’s not worry about details yet”

Promoter (fast, informal)



Analyzer


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•Measured & careful• Detail-oriented & task-oriented•Reliable• Ask “logical” questions • Seems deep in thought when listening•Make statements like:

- “Now let’s look at this logically”- “Let's take this step-by-step, step 1...

Analyzer (calm, formal)



Nurturer


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• Sensitive & empathetic• Supportive & helpful • Ask “feeling” questions• Seems concerned/caring when listening• Makes statements like:

- “I'd like to take this slow, is that OK?” - “Can we do this together until I get the feel for it?”

Nurturer (calm, informal)




emeraldsANALYZERS

pearlsNURTURERS

(“do

min

ant”

sty

le)

(“pa

ssiv

e” s

tyle

)

(“formal” style) (“informal” style)


emeraldsANALYZERS

pearlsNURTURERS

# 4. what you

say & how you say it

expressing disagreement

do you ask for permission to

speak up?Can I ask a question?

I just want to add one thing

Would you mind if I said something?

I have an idea I’d like to share, if you don’t mind

May I add something?

“I”blames you for issues

that aren’t yourschildish

takes focus off the facts

not effective leadership (it’s not about you)

often leads to “psychobabble”

(i.e., “feel,” “think,”

“believe”)

* How To Say It For WomenPhyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

“psychobabble”rambling & nervous chatter

“blah, blah, blah...” “Be in the moment... “present...” “The Secret...” “The Law of Attraction”

and... and... and...“I’m suuuuch an Aquarius (giggle)”

“I feeeeel...”

“you”

“feel”

(k)notty wordscan not

could notshould not

do notwould not

rephrase with what you DO want

or WILL do

try:

“um”“you know”

“ahhh”“like”

...pausing...rhetorical question

...dramatic pause

...drop altogether

verbal filler

instead of:

onlyjust

you knowreally

in my opinionsort ofkind of

apparentlyI’m not an expert, but

I may not be qualified, butbut

maybeI guess

“I don’t have enough time to complete that job”

* Adapted From How To Say It For WomenPhyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

“I like the way you closed that deal”

“I noticed that the office wasn’t cleaned up”

“I feel good about this project”

“the job is too complex for the time given”_______________________________

_________________________“nice job on closing that deal”

“who was supposed to clean up?”_____________________________

“our team will do a great job on this project”_____________________

strong words vs.weak words

“to be”

I am (was, will be...)

You are (were, will be)

We are (were, will be)

They are (were, will be)

I am the leader of a team

You are responsible for sales

We are the managers of...

They were helping the kids...

I lead

We manage

They helped

________________

_______________

______________

You oversee sales

_______________

AchieveAdvanceConductConsultCommitCoordinateDevelopDeliverDesignDefineDevoteEarnEnhanceEvaluateExamineExtendFacilitateFormulate

FulfillForecastGenerateGainGatherHeadHostIdentifyImplementImproveImproviseInfluenceLaunchLeadLobbyMaintainManageMarketed

MaximizedMediatedMotivateNegotiateObtainOperateOrganizeOriginateOverseeParticipatePerformPioneerPlanPreparePresentPromotePublishPursue

RankUpdateRedesignReengineerReorganizeRepresentRestructureReviseSafeguardSecureSpecifySpearheadStandardizeStrengthenStructureSuggestSupersedeSupervise

TargetTeach/TaughtTestTrainTransformTranscendUnifyUpgradeUtilizeValidateValueWrite

effective action verbs...

volume, tone, tempo & inflection

lowerslowerlouder

vshigherfastersofter

which is preferable?

#5. compel attention

Learn to say “shut up” (politely)

*Phyllis Mindel, PhDHow To Say It For Women

Excuse mePlease allow me to finish...

I’m not finishedI’m not quite finished...

Please hold any comments until I’m donePlease hold your questions until the end

Just a moment...Interruptions break my train of thought,

please allow me to finish...

passion trumps perfection

#6. Effective writing• use bullets• anticipate & offer choices• use “if so” or “if not” construction• if it’s emotional, call or email always• use a meaningful subject line• use shortcuts (EOM, NRN)

Important! Read Immediately!!Hola!Following-upThe file you requested. "Confirmed for Tuesday but need to change location to Starbucks” EOM (end of message)

subject lines

xxxx

#7. practice saying

Sarcasm & other passive-aggressive behavior

#8.

“Thanks for doing such a great job. Really, thanks.

“It’s not like you do anything anyways.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Everything is great. Just perfect.”

•we often use to “soften”•men can’t read well•smiling when angry•passive aggressive

the fake smile... (the real one too)

•be solution-oriented•address sarcasm straight-up

“was that meant sarcastically?”•ask for alternate behavior •use active listening to uncover

the real issue (ask!)•talk about that (honestly)

Dealing with difficult situations

share

ask for what you want#9.

exudeconfidence

#10.

How do you respond to compliments?

Pet Names

Like it or not, we all have a personal brand. Purposeful or accidental, decided by you, or

decided by the people around you...

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Copyright 2007- 2009 Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830

•talk show host?•home & entertaining expert?•dog trainer?•child-care expert?•martyr?•satanic rocker? •dirty politician?

Master The 30-Second “Elevator Pitch”

#12.

Copyright Michelle Villalobos, Mivista Consulting, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved. To Reprint, Distribute or Repurpose, visit www.MivistaConsulting.com and click “Contact Us”.

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