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Presented by Work-Life Assist

www.work-lifeassist.com

Communicating in

Relationship 5 Steps to the

the Best Fight Ever

Let’s Get Started

oTell us your name

oTell us 1 thing you’d like to get out of this

workshop

Today’s Workshop

o What are we fighting for?

o The 3 Conflict Styles

o The 5 Steps To The Best Fight Ever

o Taking It Home

What Are We Fighting For?

o Why do couples fight? What’s the point of conflict?

o What does it accomplish?

o Can it make our relationship better?

There Is Hope!

o I think we’re fighting because we don’t want to ignore issues

o Addressing conflict is the way we keep a relationship healthy

and moving forward

oThere is hope! America is getting BETTER at relationships, not

worse.

o Marital satisfaction is high—above 80% for all but the oldest couples

o Couples of all types have grown much more monogamous since 1975

o Divorce rates have been dropping since 1980 (except for baby

boomers)

o The myth of the “50% Divorce Rate”

o Got a bachelor’s degree? 25% chance of divorce –and hasn’t

changed since 1970s

What Counts As A Fight?

o Anything that feels like conflict to you.

o A disagreement

o Yelling, voice tone signals

o A tense conversation

o Feelings are hurt

o Grumpy, irritable, easy to “set off”

o A “freeze out”

o Needing “space”

o Pushing/showing (25% of newlyweds)

How Can We Define A “Good” Fight?

o A “Good” fight is:

o Effective –lets you air an issue or express an emotion

o Doesn’t cause lasting damage

o Able to soothe yourself and recover

o Reconnect afterwards

o The issue doesn’t become “gridlocked”

Fact: Happy Couples Have Problems

o Hope I didn’t let the cat out of the bag…

o The truth: 70% of married couples’ issues are

“unsolvable”

o So having issues you can’t figure out is NORMAL. They

are not a sign that something is wrong with your

relationship.

o What happens afterwards—repairs, resolving what you

can—matters most.

o Change your mindset from “Fixing” to “Managing”

o Think of your ongoing issues like “back pain”

Scenario Time!

I’d like a few people to share one brief

scenario from any of your romantic

relationships that provoked an argument,

bickering, tension, or disagreement. You

can say it out loud or write it in the chat box.

It can be funny or serious. Go ahead and

share something you fought over.

The 3 Conflict Styles

Avoidant----------Validating------------Volatile

Conflict is a spectrum. You might handle

different kinds of problems with a

different conflict style. But most of us

tend to be more comfortable in one

“region” of the spectrum

The Avoidant Style

•I avoid conflict. I don’t think there is

much to be gained from getting openly

angry with others. In fact, a lot of

talking about emotions and difficult

issues seems to make matters worse. I

think that if you just relax about

problems, they will have a way of

working themselves out.

The Validating Style

•I discuss difficult issues, but I think it is

important to display a lot of self-control and

to remain calm.

•I prefer to let others know that their opinions

and emotions are valued even if they are

different than mine. When arguing, I try to

spend a lot of time validating others as well

as trying to find a compromise.

The Volatile Style

• I debate and argue about issues until they are

resolved. Arguing openly and strongly doesn’t

bother me because this is how differences are

resolved. Although sometimes my arguing is

intense, that is okay because I try to balance this

with kind and loving expressions. I think my

passion and zest actually leads to a better

relationship with lots of intensity, making up,

laughing, and affection.

Quick Exercise:

o What style describes you most of the time?

o If you’re in a relationship, what style describes your

partner?

o If you’re single right now, think of a past relationship

where conflict was a challenge and identify that person’s

style

o Consider the distance :

Silent--------Avoidant---------Validating--------

Volatile--------Hostile

Implications Of The Style Mismatch

oThe further apart your styles are, the harder

it is to manage conflict

o If you have a mismatch: Be patient with

yourselves.

o And remember: you might not have more

issues than anybody else. But they are

harder to process and manage, so they

don’t get resolved as quickly or easily

What Goes Wrong When We Fight

Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected marriage

researcher, argues it’s these 4 toxic culprits:

1.Criticism

2.Contempt

3.Defensiveness

4.Stone-walling

Why Don’t These Weapons Work?

If criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone-

walling are not diffused, they trigger:

o Flooding

o Negative sentiment override—the real killer

The Emotionally Intelligent Couple’s Secret

“When you take driving lessons, the first thing

you’re taught is how to stop the car” –Dr. John

Gottman

o “Repair attempts” are the brakes in a conflict

discussion. These are anything you do or say to

reduce tension and de-escalate the fight.

o You don’t have to get the argument right. You

just have to learn to repair it.

Examples of Repair Attempts

“Did I say something wrong?

Make a joke.

“I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?”

“Hey, stop yelling at me.”

“I need things to be calmer right now.”

“My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry.”

“I see what you’re saying. I think your point of view makes

sense.”

“Can I have a hug?”

Stick out your tongue.

The 5 Steps To the Best Fight Ever!

• 1. Soften Your Startup

• 2. Fight the Four Toxic Weapons

• 3. Give and Receive Repair Attempts

• 4. Hit the Magic Ratio

• 5. Call For “Time Out” and Self-Soothe

Step 1: Soften Your Startup

o The first three minutes of a 15-min conflict discussion

determine the outcome

How could you soften this opening to a housework

discussion? “I mean, I’ve tried making up lists and that

doesn’t work. And I’ve tried letting you do chores on your

own and nothing gets done for a month.”

Step 2: Fight The 4 Toxic Weapons: Antidote to Criticism

Remember Criticism? This adds blame and global

character assassination to a complaint

•A criticism: “I’m upset because you forgot to make

reservations. I was looking forward to this dinner and now

there is a 2 hour wait. You never seem able to remember

anything that’s important to me.”

o Antidote to Criticism: Simple Complaints.

o A simple complaint address the specific action in which

your partner failed. E.g.: “I’m angry that you forgot to make

reservations. I was looking forward to this dinner and now

we can’t go.”

Step 2: Fight The 4 Toxic Weapons: Antidote to Contempt

Contempt: conveys disgust: sarcasm, name-calling,

mockery, eye-rolling

o Antidote to Contempt: Communicate fondness,

admiration, and respect. Express that during conflict

discussions.

Step 2: Fight The 4 Toxic Weapons: Antidote to Defensiveness

Defensiveness: a way of blaming your partner in disguise.

It’s not me; its you.

o Antidote to Defensiveness: Take responsibility for your

part. Agree with some part of what they said. Focus on the

reasonable part of what they said.

o Situation: Your partner brandishes the monthly credit

card bill. “You spent $237 on clothes this month? I feel

caught off guard—you didn’t tell me about this and I was

hoping we could save something this month.”

o Who can come up with a non-defensive response?

Step 2: Fight The 4 Toxic Weapons: Antidote to Stone-Walling

• Reduce these toxic weapons with their antidote

o Stone-walling: one partner eventually tunes out or leaves

the room

Antidote to Stone-walling: Do what you can to remain

engaged. Soothe yourself as your partner talks. Use

repair attempts like “I need this discussion to be calmer” or

“I think I’m starting to get flooded.” Then call for a time-out

when you need it (step 5.)

Step 3: Give and Receive Repair Attempts

o The important part is not how skillful they are. It’s whether

they work.

o If a couples has all 4 horsemen during conflict discussions

AND their repair attempts fail, their chances of divorce are

over 90%.

o BUT if a couple has all 4 horsemen AND EFFECTIVE

REPAIR ATTEMPTS, 84% will still be together and happy

6 years later.

Step 4: Hit the Magic Ratio

o Believe it or not, happy couples maintain a ratio

of 80% neutral or positive exchanges to 20%

negative DURING a conflict conversation.

o When they’re not having a fight, their interactions

are 95% positive to 5% negative!

Step 5: Develop A “Time Out” Routine

• When we’re angry, hurt, ashamed, we’re not in “problem-

solving” mode

o Try to prevent flooding with repair attempts.

o If unsuccessful, it’s time to take a break. How can we do

this well?

The 5 Steps In Summary

•1. Soften Your Startup

•2. Fight the Four Toxic Weapons

•3. Give and Receive Repair Attempts

•4. Hit the Magic Ratio

• 5. Call For “Time Out” and Self-Soothe

Parting Plea:

Don’t Die the Death of 1,000 Cuts!

o If there is an unresolved issue that feels like its starting to

cause damage to your relationship, or if conflict feels out of

control, take action.

o Most couples wait 6 years after the start of a problem to seek

help

o But…those very same couples go to the dentist twice a year.

Isn’t your relationship more important than your teeth?

o Do something—read a book about the issue, seek counsel from

a trusted friend, an older couple, a pastor.

o Or find a counselor you like, deal with the issue, and drop in

once or twice a year when it flares up again.

Taking It Home

o Next time you have a disagreement, come back a few

days later to “process” how you handled it. Did you use

defensiveness, criticism, contempt, stone-walling? What

could you guys do better next time?

o Write down 20 things you admire about your partner and

keep them in your phone. Consult during the soothing part

of a time-out.

o What goal do you want to set for yourself?

©UFS

Work-Life ASSIST

Always available. Always confidential.

1-877-286-0269

www.work-lifeassist.com