How to Make People Like You: 6 Science-Based Conversation HacksSo you want to know how to make people like you? It’s easier than you think.

A while back I posted about how to master conversation skills. Here are 6 more research-backed tips:

1) Encourage people to talk about themselves

It gives their brain as much pleasure as food or money:

Talking about ourselves—whether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter—triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money, researchers reported Monday…

“Self-disclosure is extra rewarding,” said Harvard neuroscientist Diana Tamir, who conducted the experiments with Harvard colleague Jason Mitchell. Their findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “People were even willing to forgo money in order to talk about themselves,” Ms. Tamir said.

2) To Give Feedback, Ask Questions

If you use questions to guide people toward the errors in their thinking process and allow them to come up with the solution themselves, they’re less likely to feel threatened and more likely to follow through.

It’s not you searching for problems; it’s him searching for gaps in his thinking process. You want people to look for assumptions or decisions that don’t make sense upon further reflection…The more you can help people find their own insights, the easier it will be to help others be effective, even when someone has lost the plot on an important project. Bringing other people to insight means letting go of “constructive performance feedback,” and replacing it with “facilitating positive change.”

3) Ask for advice

Stanford professor Jeffrey Pfeffer, persuasion expert Robert Cialdiniand many others have all recommended asking for advice as a powerful way to influence others and warm them to you.

Wharton professor Adam Grant breaks down the science behind it in his excellent book Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success:

New research shows that advice seeking is a surprisingly effective strategy for exercising influence when we lack authority. In one experiment, researcher Katie Liljenquist had people negotiate the possible sale of commercial property. When the sellers focused on their goal of getting the highest possible price, only 8 percent reached a successful agreement. When the sellers asked the buyers for advice on how to meet their goals, 42 percent reached a successful agreement. Asking for advice encouraged greater cooperation and information sharing, turning a potentially contentious negotiation into a win-win deal. Studies demonstrate that across the manufacturing, financial services, insurance, and pharmaceuticals industries, seeking advice is among the most effective ways to influence peers, superiors, and subordinates.

4) The Two-Question Technique

Ask them about something positive in their life. Only after they reply should you ask them how they’re feeling about life in general.

Sounds silly but this method is based on research by Nobel Prize winning psychologist, Daniel Kahneman.

A positive answer on the first question will lead to them feeling more positive about their life in general when you ask the second question.

The same pattern is found if a question about the students’ relations with their parents or about their finances immediately precedes the question about general happiness. In both cases, satisfaction in the particular domain dominates happiness reports. Any emotionally significant question that alters a person’s mood will have the same effect.

More on this powerful technique here.

5) Repeat The Last Three Words

I’ve posted before about the incredible power of active listening and how hostage negotiators use it to build rapport.

What’s the quick and dirty way to do active listening without training?

Social skills expert and author Leil Lowndes recommends simple repetition.

Via How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships:

…simply repeat—or parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court.

It shows you’re listening, interested, and lets them get back to telling their story.

You’ve got to be slightly savvy about this one but it’s surprisingly effective.

Surprisingly effective?

Yes, it is.

It is?

Research shows repetition is effective in negotiations as well.

6) Gossip — But Positively

Research shows what you say about others colors how people see you.

Compliment other people and you’re likely to be seen positively. Complain and you’re likely to be associated with those negative traits you hate.

Via 59 Seconds: Change Your Life in Under a Minute:

When you gossip about another person, listeners unconsciously associate you with the characteristics you are describing, ultimately leading to those characteristics’ being “transferred” to you. So, say positive and pleasant things about friends and colleagues, and you are seen as a nice person. In contrast, constantly complain about their failings, and people will unconsciously apply the negative traits and incompetence to you.

How to Be Cool: 5 Research-Backed TipsWho Hasn’t Wanted To Be Cool?

by Taboola

We’ve all wanted to be cool. But research shows that it’s not merely a shallow desire. Cool makes a difference in life.

For instance, charismatic leaders bring out people’s best.

If you’re a leader, or aspire to be one, charisma matters. It gives you a competitive advantage in attracting and retaining the very best talent. It makes people want to work with you, your team, and your company. Research shows that those following charismatic leaders perform better, experience their work as more meaningful, and have more trust in their leaders than those following effective but noncharismatic leaders.

But can we become more cool if we try?

Yes. Fake it until you make it works.

As Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth, explains, attitude can be taught and improved:

The most commonly held myth that I encountered when first doing this research was that charisma is an innate quality, that some people have it and some people don’t and whatever you’re born with you’re stuck with. In fact, charisma’s a quality that fluctuates. It’ll be there one moment and gone the next. It’s also a very learnable quality. So, a lot of people who are known today as some of the most charismatic people actually learned charisma step by step.

So what is cool and how can we embody it?

1) Less

If I had to sum up cool in a word it would be: less.

Cool doesn’t try too hard. Thing is, trying is very effective in life and especially in relationships. So what gives?

By not trying, cool people signal, “I’m so smooth, I don’t have to try to get what I want.”

As Olivia Fox-Cabane points out: James Bond doesn’t plead, smile or fidget. He speaks slowly and calmly.

Via The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism:

Can you imagine James Bond fidgeting? How about tugging at his clothing, bobbing his head, or twitching his shoulders? How about hemming and hawing before he speaks? Of course not. Bond is the quintessential cool, calm, and collected character…

This kind of high-status, high-confidence body language is characterized by how few movements are made. Composed people exhibit a level of stillness, which is sometimes described as poise. They avoid extraneous, superfluous gestures such as fidgeting with their clothes, their hair, or their faces, incessantly nodding their heads, or saying “um” before sentences.

(More on the science behind why James Bond is so sexy here.)

2) Confidence

Want to know a quick trick for getting people to like you? Assume they already do.

Yes, we all love confidence. Combine doing less with supreme confidence and you have the essence of cool.

Researchers gave people a course in charisma and one of the factors that produced results was acting confident.

It’s no surprise, but research shows self-esteem is sexy and looking stressed is not. For men, modesty can actually be a negative:

‘Modest men were not liked as much as modest women because they were viewed as ‘too weak’ for a man and because they were viewed as insufficiently confident and ambitious,’ the U.S. researchers wrote.

(More on how to increase confidence here.)

3) Know The Rules — And Break Them

People who are cool aren’t oblivious to proper behavior, in fact, they’re socially savvy.

But they deliberately break the rules when it benefits them.

In the paper “Coolness: An Empirical Investigation” rebelliousness was found to be a key component of cool:

The second factor, which explained a more modest amount of the variance, was comprised of five elements each rated as more cool than socially desirable. The elements of factor 2 either

did not load on factor 1(e.g.,irony) or loaded in the opposite direction (e.g.,emotional control). Rebelliousness had the highest loading, and is arguably its most central theoretical element. This second factor better embodies the core construct identified as cool in the scholarly literature (Frank, 1997; Heath & Potter, 2004; Pountain & Robins, 2000). This factor presents coolness as more opaque, less active, and less engaged: coolness as detachment and camouflage. We termed this factor Contrarian coolness.

Why is rule breaking cool? Breaking the rules makes you appear powerful.

(More on how to appear powerful here.)

4) Focus On Attitude And Body Language Will Follow

Are my hands fidgeting? Am I biting my lip? Am I nodding too much? Is my speech slow enough? …That’s enough to drive you insane.

As Fox-Cabane explains, there’s no way to monitor and optimize what every part of your body is doing. It’s just too much:

In every minute we have hundreds of thousands of body language signals that are pouring out from us and broadcasting how we’re feeling and thinking to everyone around…

So how do we make our body language more cool? By feeling cool on the inside, our body language will reflect that:

The same way that athletes get themselves “into the zone” you get yourself into a mental zone of whatever body language you want to emanate. And that way it will cascade through your body from whatever mindset that you wanted to get. So it really is mind over matter in the sense that whatever’s in your mind will come out through your body language.

(More on how to read people’s body language here.)

5) Cool Isn’t Always The Coolest

Being cool may be a positive but don’t assume it’s the best attitude for all situations. There is no single perfect way to be.

Being distant creates intrigue but the power of showing interest in others has been scientifically validated over and over again.

Sometimes being an outright jerk pays big dividends. Ironically, so does vulnerability.

While seeming detached and calm has its benefits, so does being very enthusiastic.

Via The Tell: The Little Clues That Reveal Big Truths about Who We Are:

Students exposed to Ceci’s enthusiastic presentations were much more positive about both the instructor and the course— even though everything else was identical. They perceived

him as more enthusiastic and knowledgeable, more tolerant of others’ views, more accessible to students, and more organized.

(More on when nice guys finish first — or last — here.)

Sum Up

Let’s round it all up:

1. Less2. Be Confident3. Know The Rules And Break Them4. Focus On Attitude And Body Language Will Follow5. Cool Isn’t Always The Coolest.

Now get out there and be cool… but don’t try too hard.

How To Make Friends Easily And Strengthen The Friendships You HaveFriendship is a good thing. That’s hardly front-page news — but somehow we all forget how important it is.

We take friends for granted. As we raise families we neglect friends. We don’t put in the effort to make and keep friends.

And the problem is growing. In 1985 most people said they had 3 close friends. In 2004 the most common number was zero.

Via Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect:

In a survey given in 1985, people were asked to list their friends in response to the question “Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?” The most common number of friends listed was three; 59 percent of respondents listed three or more friends fitting this description. The same survey was given again in 2004. This time the most common number of friends was zero. And only 37 percent of respondents listed three or more friends. Back in 1985, only 10 percent indicated that they had zero confidants. In 2004, this number skyrocketed to 25 percent. One out of every four of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with.

This is sad, and for more reasons than you might expect. We need friends to keep us healthy. Lack of social support predicts all causes of death.

Having few friends is more dangerous than obesity and is the equivalent health risk of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Brigham Young University, did a meta-analysis of 148 studies and concluded that a lack of social support predicts all causes of death. People with a solid group of friends are 50 percent more likely to survive at any given time than those without one. Holt-Lunstad calculated that having few social ties is an

equivalent mortality risk to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day and even riskier than being obese or not exercising!

You need friends for self-knowledge — because your friends often know more about you than you do.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

They can truly know us, sometimes better than we know ourselves. Specifically, friends are better at describing our behavioral traits than we are, says Simine Vazire, Ph.D., a psychologist who runs the Personality and Self-Knowledge Lab at Washington University in St. Louis. “Friends can assess whether we are funny, dominant, or charming better than we can,” she says. They may not be better than we are at knowing what we are feeling and thinking, unsurprisingly, but they are superior at guessing our IQs. (Incidentally, it’s often the case that we judge ourselves as less intelligent than we are.)

And friends make you happier than pretty much anything else in life.

Got three friends at work? You’re 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with your life.

Happiness is contagious. Happy friends boost your chance of happiness by 15%. Unhappy friends decrease it by 7%.

Each additional friend means two fewer days of feeling lonely every year. Family members don’t even move the needle here.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

If you can count at least three dear friends at the office, you are 96 percent more likely to be extremely satisfied with life in general…

Fowler and Christakis found that you are about 15 percent more likely to be happy if one of your friends is happy (overall, not in any particular moment). Even if a friend of your friend is happy, you’re 10 percent more likely to be in a contented state. “We found that each happy friend a person has increases that person’s probability of being happy by about 9 percent. Each unhappy friend decreases it by 7 percent,” they write. Since these stats imply that happiness is more contagious than unhappiness, they conclude that “the more, the merrier” holds true, despite what is usually said about quality over quantity in friendships. They also found that an additional friend amounts to two fewer days of feeling lonely each year. “Since on average (in our data) people feel lonely forty-eight days per year, having a couple of extra friends makes you about 10 percent less lonely than other people. Interestingly, the number of family members has no effect at all.”

Having a friend you see on most days is the happiness equivalent of an extra 100K a year.

Via Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect:

…having a friend whom you see on most days, compared to not having such a friend, had the same impact on well-being as making an extra $100,000 a year.

Marriage And Kids Aren’t Enough

Researchers have been seeing a trend: increasingly, people expect to get all their social needs met by their spouse or partner.

This is a prescription for disaster. It’s too much pressure for a spouse and there’s much that we can only get from friends.

Nobel Prize winner David Kahneman did research showing time with friends is more enjoyable than time with spouses or children.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman, Ph.D., of Princeton, and colleagues conducted an innovative study about a decade ago that captured people’s happiness “in the moment” as they went about their daily lives. They found, controversially, that time with friends is even more enjoyable than moments with spouses or children.

Not that there’s anything wrong with spouses and kids but time with friends does not involve the same responsibilities — and we all need a break.

Beyond that, time with friends as a couple has been shown to improve long term relationships.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Most intriguing was how couples rated their own relationships more positively after interacting with other pairs. Married partners fall into routine interactions and often fail to make the effort to entertain and please as they did when they were winning each other over. Putting your best self forward for new friends allows you to shine and to see your partner through new eyes as she shines, too. Maintaining older mutual friendships also strengthens the bond between long-term partners: Having people around who think of the two of you as a unit, who admire your relationship, and who expect you to stay together can sustain you through times of doubt or distance.

And You Will Lose Friends

Within seven years, half of your close friends will not be around anymore.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

A study by a Dutch sociologist who tracked about a thousand people of all ages found that on average, we lose half of our close network members every seven years. To think that half of the people currently on your “most dialed” list will fade out of your life in less than a decade is frightening indeed.

So if you want to keep close friends in your life, it’ll take some effort. But what do you need to do?

Here’s what some of the latest research has to say.

What To Do

Most importantly, make the time.

What are the most common friendship fights about? Time commitments.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Daniel Hruschka reviewed studies on the causes of conflict in friendship and found that the most common friendship fights boil down to time commitments. Spending time with someone is a sure indicator that you value him; no one likes to feel undervalued.

This is also the part of friendship that makes us happiest — doing things together.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

It’s no news flash that friends make us happy, but Meliksah Demir, Ph.D., a professor at Northern Arizona University, has drilled down to reveal exactly what about friendship warms our hearts. It turns out that companionship— simply doing things together— is the component of friendship that most makes us happy. And the reason friends make us happy, Demir has concluded, is that they make us feel that we matter.

Mere proximity — being nearby, is one of the most powerful drivers of friendship — far more than personality. So be around.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Yet research does not show that friends are particularly alike in personality, granting scientific credibility to hundreds of romantic comedies wherein the uptight leading lady has a free spirit for a sidekick and the charismatic main man has a buffoonish buddy…Half a century ago, researchers came up with the “proximity theory” of friendship— that we befriend people who live geographically close to us or who frequently cross our path because they go to our school, grocery store, office, or favorite diner. Proximity, first and foremost, grants easy opportunities to meet. But also, familiarity breeds positivity. Called

the “mere-exposure effect,” it’s a phenomenon that is widely documented: Just seeing someone over and over can make you like him or her more.

What else do you need to do? Be patient. If you’re not willing to be bored sometimes, you can’t have friends.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

‘If you’re not willing to be bored sometimes, you can’t have friends,’ ” Jacob says. “Sometimes friends are going to drone on about their mother or something that you don’t quite care about. But it’s not just about what they can do for you, it’s a deeper thing. You can’t expect to always be entertained, or to always feel like everything is one hundred percent reciprocal.” Jacob, who likes to entertain, says, “I’m willing to invite someone to dinner ten times and never see their house, because if you get into the cycle of pettiness, you won’t end up having any friends.”

Be flexible. Having social skills means adapting to your environment, not stubbornly “being who you are.”

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Children who are natural social stars, Rubin adds, present themselves “successfully to others by putting on somewhat different faces for different audiences.… They understand when to put on which face, without ever appearing shallow or false to others and without feeling like fakes or frauds. In short, these are children who are sensitive and responsive to social cues.” This is the child who knows how to work the room with jokes or dance moves at her own birthday party with her adoring relatives, but who also knows to hang back and let a friend shine at his birthday party.

And this one is key: Support the person’s view of themselves and make them feel good about their pursuits.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Best friends don’t have to share an identity per se, but they do need to support the other’s view of himself and make each other feel great about their pursuits. Weisz asked a group of college freshmen about their close friends and used questionnaires to determine whether they received social identity support from them. She then followed up five years later, when the students had graduated and moved off campus. Social identity support didn’t predict whether the friendships generally endured, but it did predict whether one of the friends became a best friend. Part of maintaining a close friendship, Weisz points out, is supporting someone’s identity as it inevitably shifts over time.

My theory on this: be a cheerleader for your friends.

Be their biggest fan.

This is what we all want from our friends. And the more you give it, the more you will get it yourself.

Is there a shortcut to bonding with a romantic partner on a deeper level? From Sam Gosling’s book, Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You:

Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, is interested in how people form romantic relationships, and he’s come up with an ingenious way of taking men and women who have never met before and making them feel close to one another. Given that he has just an hour or so to create the intimacy levels that typically take week, months, or years to form, he accelerated the getting-to-know-you process through a set of thirty-six questions crafted to take the participants rapidly from level one in McAdams’s system to level two. The questions are part of an hour-long “sharing game” in which each member of a pair reads a question out loud and then they both answer it before moving on to the next question.

What are some of the questions?

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

10. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

11. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

12. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

13. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

14. What do you value most in a friendship?

15. What is your most treasured memory?

16. What is your most terrible memory?

17. What does friendship mean to you?

18. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

19. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

20. Complete this sentence:”I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

21. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

22. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

23. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

24. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

25. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

26. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

27. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

4 Lifehacks From Ancient Philosophers That Will Make You HappierYou’ve probably heard about Stoics or Stoicism — and most of what you know is wrong.

They weren’t joyless bores. The ancient Stoics were the first lifehackers: The Original Gangsters of Making Life Awesome.

Via A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy:

The Stoics…were very much interested in human psychology and were not at all averse to using psychological tricks to overcome certain aspects of human psychology, such as the presence in us of negative emotion.

Awesome. But does the Old World hold up when it meets the New World? Does science agree with the thinkers of antiquity?

Absolutely. I enthusiastically, maybe even frantically, suggest you “roll old school.”

In the past, I’ve looked at the science behind Dale Carnegie’s old saws about getting along with people. Let’s give the same treatment to classical thinkers.

Where do science and the great minds of the old world agree when it comes to living the good life?

1) “What’s The Worst That Could Happen?”

Ever asked that? Congrats, you’re a stoic philosopher.

“Negative Visualization” is one of the main tools of Stoicism.

Really thinking about just how awful things can be often has the ironic effect of making you realize they’re not that bad.

From my interview with Oliver Burkeman, author of The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking:

It’s what the Stoics call, “the premeditation” – that there’s actually a lot of peace of mind to be gained in thinking carefully and in detail and consciously about how badly things could go. In most situations you’re going to discover that your anxiety or your fears about those situations were exaggerated.

In fact, the Stoics pushed it further: take a second and imagine losing the things that matter to you most. Family. Friends.

Yes, it’s scary. But doesn’t it make you appreciate them all that much more when you take the time to think about losing them?

A few seconds of thinking about loss can dramatically boost gratitude.

Via A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy:

At spare moments in the day, make it a point to contemplate the loss of whatever you value in life. It can make you realize, if only for a time, how lucky you are — how much you have to be thankful for, almost regardless of your circumstances…

And science agrees: Practicing gratitude is at the center of the single most proven technique for boosting happiness: 3 blessings.

Though deliberately thinking about losing stuff may sound morbid, the fact that it taps into emotions is powerfully motivating.

Gratitude is how you stop taking things for granted. How you stay happy after the newness of things is gone. How you keep love alive.

(More on negative visualization here.)

2) “As If”

The Stoics valued tranquility and thought being angry was a waste of time. But what should you do when your blood boils?

Force a smile. Soften your voice. Seneca thought if you act calm, you will become calm.

Via A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy:

When angry, says Seneca, we should take steps to “turn all [anger's] indications into their opposites.” We should force ourselves to relax our face, soften our voice, and slow our pace of walking. If we do this, our internal state will soon come to resemble our external state, and our anger, says Seneca, will have dissipated.

Does outright faking it really work?

Yup. And science agrees.

Researchers told people to smile. What happened? They actually felt happier.

Via The As If Principle:

More than 26,000 people responded. All of the participants were randomly assigned to one of a handful of groups and asked to carry out various exercises designed to make them happier… When it came to increasing happiness, those altering their facial expressions came out on top of the class…

(More on “fake it until you make it” here.)

3) Make It A Treat

We want everything and we want it yesterday.

The Stoics, on the other hand, used to deliberately walk around on cold days without a coat. Or skip meals to become hungry. Why?

Denying yourself something makes you appreciate the things you take for granted.

Ancient advice? Yeah, it sounds like something my grandfather would have said. But science agrees wholeheartedly.

Harvard professor and author of Happy Money, Michael Norton says a bit of self-denial is a huge happiness booster:

…if you love, every day, having the same coffee, don’t have it for a few days. Once you have it again, it’s going to be way more amazing than all of the ones that you would have had in the meantime… It’s not “give it up forever.” It’s “give it up for short periods of time, and I promise you you’re going to love it even more when you come back to it.”

Making the things you take for granted into “a treat” is something the ancients and scientists agree on. Plus it has other benefits too.

Grandpa was right: it does make you tougher to go without. It increases willpower.

Via A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy:

What Stoics discover, though, is that willpower is like muscle power: The more they exercise their will, the stronger it gets. Indeed, by practicing Stoic self-denial techniques over a long period, Stoics can transform themselves into individuals remarkable for their courage and self-control.

Science agrees. Self-control expert and author of Willpower, Roy Baumeister, says exerting discipline increases discipline:

People have said for centuries that you can build character by making yourself do things you don’t want to do, that by exerting self-discipline you can make yourself into a stronger person. That does appear to be correct.

And what’s more responsible for success than IQ or pretty much anything else? Self-control.

Today skip that Starbucks or that cookie. It’ll be even better tomorrow. And it’ll increase your willpower.

(More on how to boost self-control here.)

4) It’s Okay To Stumble

Does Stoicism seem hard? Don’t want to think about how awful things can be right now? Don’t want to give up your ice cream for a day?

They knew that too. What did Epictetus tell his students after he taught them these Stoic lifehacks?

He told them what to do when they screw up — because we all do.

Forgive yourself.

Via A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy:

The Stoics understood that they would encounter setbacks in their practice of Stoicism: Thus, Epictetus, after telling his students what they must do to practice Stoicisim, went on to tell them what they should do when they failed to follow his advice. He expected, in other words, that novice Stoics would routinely backslide. Along similar lines, Marcus recommends that when our practice falls short of Stoic precepts, we should not become despondent and certainly should not give up our attempts to practice Stoicism; instead, we should return to the attack and realize that if we can do the right thing, Stoically speaking, most of the time, we are doing pretty well for ourselves.

And what does science say we should do when we lose self-control or procrastinate?

Forgive yourself and move on.

Via The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It:

Study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. It is also one of the single biggest predictors of depression, which drains both “I will” power and “I want” power. In contrast, self-compassion— being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure— is associated with more motivation and better self-control.

In trying to do anything to better your life, it’s okay to stumble. It takes time. You learn.

(More on self-compassion here.)

Sum Up

You’ve only got 30,000 days of life. Seriously. Here’s what classical philosophers and modern science agree can make those days better:

1. “What’s The Worst That Could Happen?”2. “As If”3. Make It A Treat4. It’s Okay To Stumble

4 secrets to reading body language like an expertHow important is body language?

55% of what you convey when you speak comes from body language. In fact, when you’re speaking about something emotional only about 7% of what the other person hears has to do with the words you use.

More often than not you can tell what a politician thinks about an issue just by watching their hands. Psychopaths can tell who would be a good victim just by watching them walk.

In five minutes you can often evaluate people with approximately 70% accuracy… but obviously we’re wrong often, and that 30% can be very costly.

What can the research teach us about better reading people’s body language?

What You’re Doing Wrong

In The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help–or Hurt–How You Lead the author points out a number of common errors people make.

Here’s how I interpreted the findings:

Ignoring context: Crossed arms don’t mean as much if the room is cold or the chair they’re sitting in doesn’t have armrests. Everything has to pass the common sense test given the environment.

Not looking for clusters: One of the biggest errors people make is looking for one single tell. That’s great in movies about poker players but in real life it’s a consistent grouping of actions (sweating, touching the face, and stuttering together) that is really going to tell you something.

Not getting a baseline: If someone is always jumpy, jumpiness doesn’t tell you anything. If someone is always jumpy and they suddenly stop moving — HELLO.

Not being conscious of biases: If you already like or dislike the person it’s going to affect your judgment. And if people compliment you, are similar to you, are attractive… these can all sway you, unconsciously. I know, you don’t fall for those tricks. Well, the biggest bias of all is thinking you’re unbiased.

What To Focus On

What signals can and should you trust when trying to get a “read” on someone? They need to be unconscious behaviors that are not easily controlled and convey a clear message.

In Honest Signals: How They Shape Our World, the authors point out three to keep your eye on:

Speech mimicry and behavioral mimicry: Are they using the same words you use? Speaking at a similar speed and tone? Are they sitting the way you sit? Is a subtle, unconscious game of follow-the-leader going on? This is a sign the other person feels emotionally in sync with you. It can be faked but that’s rare and difficult to pull off consistently across a conversation.

Activity level: As a general rule, activity levels indicate interest and excitement. (Often when a woman is bouncing her foot during a date it means she’s interested in the man she’s with.)

Consistency of emphasis and timing: This is a sign of focus and control. Someone who is less consistent is less sure of themselves and more open to influence.

Specifics To Look For

Contextually vetted, baseline adjusted clusters are your best bet… but research has shown some specifics are often decent indicators.

Crossed legs are a very bad sign during negotiations.

Via The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help–or Hurt–How You Lead:

Crossed legs can have a devastating effect on a negotiation. In How to Read a Person Like a Book, authors Gerard I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero reported that the number of times settlements were reached increased greatly when both negotiators had uncrossed their legs. In fact, they found that out of two thousand videotaped transactions, not one resulted in a settlement when even one of the negotiators had his or her legs crossed.

There’s a consistent cluster that has been seen among people who are trying to cheat you.

Via Wray Herbert, author of On Second Thought: Outsmarting Your Mind’s Hard-Wired Habits:

Again and again, it was a cluster of four cues: hand touching, face touching, crossing arms, and leaning away. None of these cues foretold deceit by itself, but together they transformed into a highly accurate signal. And the more often the participants used this particular cluster of gestures, the less trustworthy they were in the subsequent financial exchange.

Who should you trust? Look for people who are consistently emotionally expressive in their body language:

These results suggest that cooperators may be more emotionally expressive than non-cooperators. We speculate that emotional expressivity can be a more reliable signal of cooperativeness than the display of positive emotion alone.

And look at people’s hands. Palm down gestures indicate power. Palm up shows submission.

The New York Times cites Adam Kendon, author of Gesture: Visible Action as Utterance, on the deeper meaning of hand positions:

Gestures of the Open Hand Prone or “palm down” family are used in contexts where something is being denied, negated, interrupted or stopped, whether explicitly or by implication. Open hand Supine (or “palm up”) family gestures, on the other hand, are used in contexts where the speaker is offering, giving or showing something or requesting the reception of something…

Keep in mind that men and women differ in body language. For instance, they flirt differently:

Via Fascinate: Your 7 Triggers to Persuasion and Captivation:

A female begins fascinating a male by smiling at him, raising her brows to make her eyes appear wider and more childlike, quickly lowering her lids while tucking her chin slightly down, in an effort to bring him closer. After averting her gaze to the side, she will, within moments and almost without exception, put her hands on or near her mouth and giggle, lick her lips, or thrust out her chest while gazing at the object of her intended affection. And it’s consistent, regardless of language, socioeconomic status, or religious upbringing. For men, says Rodgers, the fascination ritual is less submissive but no less standardized.

He’ll puff out his chest, jut his chin, arch his back, gesture with his hands and arms, and swagger in dominant motions to draw attention to his power…

How To Get Better At Reading Body Language

First, pay attention. Sounds obvious but you’re probably not doing it consistently throughout the conversation.

Dynamics change, especially when you’re dealing with someone who is actively trying to deceive you. Unless they’re very good, inconsistencies will arise (“leakage”) and you can get insight into how they really feel.

You’ll improve dramatically by addressing the four weaknesses pointed out in The Silent Language of Leaders:

Consider context: Should someone in this situation be acting like this?

Look for clusters of actions, not isolated ones: All three of those behaviors are associated with…?

Get a baseline: How do they normally act?

Be aware of your biases: Are you tempted to cut them slack and they haven’t started speaking yet?

Your abilities will make a quantum leap if you realize that body language is part of a bigger context and a bigger cluster and you start monitoring the other facets of behavioral interaction: voice, appearance, clothing, etc.

These can help you evaluate the whole package:

What does clothing tell you? How about shoes?

What does someone’s voice tell you?

What does a face tell you? How about a quick glance?

What are 10 instances when you should trust your gut?

8 Things The World’s Most Successful People All Have In CommonI’ve posted a lot about the strategies of very successful people: artists, scientists, business leaders…

Looking back, what patterns do we see?

 

Busy Busy

Daily Rituals: How Artists Work, examines the work habits of over 150 of the greatest writers, artists and scientists.

What did they all have in common? A relentless pace of work.

Via Daily Rituals: How Artists Work

“Sooner or later,” Pritchett writes, “the great men turn out to be all alike. They never stop working. They never lose a minute. It is very depressing.”

What did Stanford professor Jeffrey Pfeffer find when he looked at high achievers like LBJ and Robert Moses?

60-65 hour work weeks were not uncommon.

Via Managing With Power: Politics and Influence in Organizations:

In a study of general managers in industry, John Kotter reported that many of them worked 60 to 65 hours per week–which translates into at least six 10-hour days. The ability and willingness to work grueling hours has characterized many powerful figures… Energy and strength provide many advantages to those seeking to build power.

When Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi studied geniuses for his book Creativity, he realized something fascinating about IQ.

No one who changed the world had an IQ under 130 — but the difference between 130 and 170 was negligible.

As long as you were past the 130 IQ threshold, it was all about how hard you worked.

(More on the work habits of geniuses here.)

 

Just Say No

Warren Buffett once said:

The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say “no” to almost everything.

And that’s what gives them the time to accomplish so much.

In Creativity, Csikszentmihalyi makes note of the number of high achievers who declined his request to be in the book.

Why did they say no?

They were too busy with their own projects to help him with his.

Achievement requires focus. And focus means saying “no” to a lot of distractions.

 

Know What You Are

In his classic essay Managing Oneself, Pete Drucker is very clear: ignore your weaknesses and keep improving your strengths.

In identifying opportunities for improvement, don’t waste time cultivating skill areas where you have little competence. Instead, concentrate on—and build on—your strengths.

This means knowing who you are, what you are and what you are good at.

Harvard professor Gautam Mukunda, author of Indispensable: When Leaders Really Matter, says this is key for leaders:

More than anything else, “Know thyself.” Know what your type is. …Think about your own personality… For instance, if you are a classic entrepreneur, you can’t work in an organization. Know that. 

(More on knowing your strengths here.)

 

Build Networks

Nobody at the top of the heap goes it alone. And those at the center of networks benefit the most.

Paul Erdos is the undeniable center of the mathematics world. Ever heard of “six degrees of Kevin Bacon”? Paul Erdos is the Kevin Bacon of math.

This is no exaggeration. In fact, it’s barely a metaphor — it’s just fact.

How did he become the center of the math world?

He was a giver.

I’ve posted a lot about networking and as great networkers like Adam Rifkin advise, Paul Erdos gave to others. He made those around him better.

Via The Man Who Loved Only Numbers: The Story of Paul Erdos and the Search for Mathematical Truth:

He knew better than you yourself knew what you were capable of…He gave the confidence that many of us needed to embark on mathematical research.

(More on networking here.)

 

Create Good Luck

Luck isn’t magical — there’s a science to it.

Richard Wiseman studied lucky people for his book Luck Factor, and broke down what they do right.

Certain personality types are luckier because they behave in a way that maximizes the chance for good opportunities.

By being more outgoing, open to new ideas, following hunches, and being optimistic, lucky people create possibilities.

Does applying these principles to your life actually work? Wiseman created a “luck school” to test the ideas — and it was a success.

Via Luck Factor:

In total, 80 percent of people who attended Luck School said that their luck had increased. On average, these people estimated that their luck had increased by more than 40 percent.

(More about creating luck here.)

 

Have Grit

Intelligence and creativity are great but you can’t quit when the going gets tough if you really want to accomplish anything big.

That’s grit. Perseverance. And it’s one of the best predictors of success there is.

Via Dan Pink’s excellent book Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.

The best predictor of success, the researchers found, was the prospective cadets’ ratings on a noncognitive, nonphysical trait known as “grit”—defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.”

Researchers have found that grit exists apart from IQ and is more predictive of success than IQ in a variety of challenging environments:

Defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals, grit accounted for an average of 4% of the variance in success outcomes, including educational attainment among 2 samples of adults (N = 1,545 and N = 690), grade point average among Ivy League undergraduates (N = 138), retention in 2 classes of United States Military Academy, West Point, cadets (N = 1,218 and N = 1,308), and ranking in the National Spelling Bee (N = 175).

Howard Gardner studied some of the greatest geniuses of all time. One quality they all had in common sounds an awful lot like grit.

Via Creating Minds: An Anatomy of Creativity Seen Through the Lives of Freud, Einstein, Picasso, Stravinsky, Eliot, Graham, and Ghandi:

…when they fail, they do not waste much time lamenting; blaming; or, at the extreme, quitting. Instead, regarding the failure as a learning experience, they try to build upon its lessons in their future endeavors. Framing is most succinctly captured in aphorism by French economist and visionary Jean Monnet: “I regard every defeat as an opportunity.”

Here’s Angela Duckworth giving a TED talk on grit:

(More on how to be “grittier” here.)

 

Make Awesome Mistakes

Failure is essential.

Losers like to hear that because it makes them feel better about their past mistakes. Winners use it to go make more mistakes they can learn from.

Always be experimenting. In his excellent book Little Bets, Peter Sims explains the system used by all the greats:

The mindset is what makes a big difference. The willingness to spend 5 to 10% of your time doing experiments will, over the long run, really open up that part of you that can be more creative and entrepreneurial, and yield, hopefully, some new opportunities that you hadn’t thought of before trying something.

You must wrestle with your ideas. Dissect, combine, add, subtract, turn them upside down and shake them. Get ideas colliding.

Via Zig Zag: The Surprising Path to Greater Creativity:

Successful creators engage in an ongoing dialogue with their work. They put what’s in their head on paper long before it’s fully formed, and they watch and listen to what they’ve recorded, zigging and zagging until the right idea emerges. 

How do you start? Do like the greats and keep a notebook.

(More on the creative process used by experts here.)

 

Find Mentors

You cannot go it alone. It can be hard to learn from books. And the internet makes it difficult to separate truth from fiction.

You need someone who has been there to show you the ropes. A Yoda. A Mister Miyagi.

Yes, 10K hours of deliberate practice can make you an expert but what makes you dedicate 10K hours to something in the first place?

As Adam Grant of Wharton explains, the answer is great mentors:

Why would somebody invest deliberate practice in something? It turns out that actually most of these world-class performers had a first coach, or a first teacher, who made the activity fun.

(More on finding the best mentor for you here.)

 

Sum Up

Eight things you can do to be like the best:

1. Stay Busy2. Just Say No3. Know What You Are4. Build Networks5. Create Good Luck6. Have Grit7. Make Awesome Mistakes8. Find Mentors

Important Life Lessons: What’s The Most Important Life Lesson Older People Feel You Must Know?

es, older people are agreed on the most important life lessons they want to pass on.

Karl Pillemer of Cornell University interviewed nearly 1500 people age 70 to 100+ for his book “30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.” He asked them what life lessons they’d pass on.

What piece of advice were they more adamant about than any other? More adamant about than lessons regarding marriage, children and happiness?

Do not stay in a job you dislike.

Via 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans:

You know those nightmares where you are shouting a warning but no sound comes out? Well, that’s the intensity with which the experts wanted to tell younger people that spending years in a job you dislike is a recipe for regret and a tragic mistake. There was no issue about which the experts were more adamant and forceful. Over and over they prefaced their comments with, “If there’s one thing I want your readers to know it’s . . .” From the vantage point of looking back over long experience, wasting around two thousand hours of irretrievable lifetime each year is pure idiocy.

What other important life lessons did they have for your career?

Via 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans:

Here’s the refrigerator list:

1. Choose a career for the intrinsic rewards, not the financial ones. The biggest career mistake people make is selecting a profession based only on potential earnings. A sense of purpose and passion for one’s work beats a bigger paycheck any day.

2. Don’t give up on looking for a job that makes you happy. According to the experts, persistence is the key to finding a job you love. Don’t give up easily.

3. Make the most of a bad job. If you find yourself in a less-than-ideal work situation, don’t waste the experience; many experts learned invaluable lessons from bad jobs.

4. Emotional intelligence trumps every other kind. Develop your interpersonal skills if you want to succeed in the workplace. Even people in the most technical professions have their careers torpedoed if they lack emotional intelligence.

5. Everyone needs autonomy. Career satisfaction is often dependent on how much autonomy you have on the job. Look for the freedom to make decisions and move in directions that interest you, without too much control from the top.

Another point worth making is advice the older folks consistently did not give:

Via 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans:

No one— not a single person out of a thousand— said that to be happy you should try to work as hard as you can to make money to buy the things you want.

No one— not a single person— said it’s important to be at least as wealthy as the people around you, and if you have more than they do it’s real success.

No one— not a single person— said you should choose your work based on your desired future earning power.

Now it may sound absurdly obvious when worded in this way. But this is in fact how many people operate on a day-to-day basis. The experts did not say these things; indeed almost no one said anything remotely like them. Instead they consistently urged finding a way to earn enough to live on without condemning yourself to a job you dislike.

This might be a lot to remember and ask yourself on a daily basis. What’s a quick litmus test to determine if you’re on the path to happiness or regret?

Via 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans:

You should ask yourself this: do I wake up in the morning looking forward to work?

How to Overcome Fear of Public Speaking and Give a Great PresentationThat Dilbert comic is pretty accurate. Gallup says 40% of people fear public speaking — and some people fear it more than death.

More10 Ways to Turn Yourself Into a Productivity Dynamo Behind My Uncle’s Schizophrenia Money, Land, Revenge: What Do ISIS Extremists Really Want? NBC News Attention, Class! Back to School by the Numbers NBC News Make the Case: Why Not Negotiate With Terrorists? NBC News

Jerry Seinfeld interpreted this as meaning that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Via Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and Cool:

A wide variety of studies have crowned fear of public speaking – or glossophobia, for sticklers – as our king of all phobias; according to a 2001 Gallup poll, more than 40% of Americans confess to a dread of appearing before spectators. (In some surveys, fear of public speaking even outranks fear of death, a fact that inspired Jerry Seinfeld’s famous observation that at a funeral, this means the average person would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.)

How do you get over public speaking fear?

I’ve given great talks at MIT, UCLA, the University of Pennsylvania and other places. Here are 6 tips from experts and research to help you do the same.

1) You’re Not Perfect – And That’s Normal

In Scott Berkun’s excellent Confessions of a Public Speaker he points out that anytime we talk it’s a bit of a mess.

Even the unedited speeches of great orators like Martin Luther King and Churchill have numerous errors.

People know this and are naturally forgiving.

Berkun references Michael Erard’s book Um:

They [mistakes] occur on average once every ten words…. If people say an average of 15,000 words each day, that’s about 1,500 verbal blunders a day. Next time you say something, listen to yourself carefully. You st-st-stutter; you forget the words, you swotch the sounds (and when you type, you reverse the lttres — and prhps omt thm too). The bulk of these go unnoticed or brushed aside, but they’re all fascinating, as much as for why they’re ignored as why they’re noticed.

Take your errors in stride. The audience will look to you to decide how serious a blunder is and if you’re cool, they probably will be too.

Via Confessions of a Public Speaker:

Know that your response to a mistake defines the audience’s response. If I respond to spilling water on my pants as if it were the sinking of the Titanic, the audience will see it, and me, as a tragedy. But if I’m cool, or better yet, find it funny, the audience will do the same.

2) How To Prepare

Obviously you have to prepare the material. But how can you prepare for thefear?

Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and an introvert herself, is now a professional public speaker.

How did she overcome public speaking fear?

She practiced in front of small, supportive groups to desensitize herself.

From my interview with Susan:

I really had to desensitize myself to my fears of public speaking. I did that by practicing in very small, very supportive and very low-speed environments where it didn’t matter if I screwed up. And eventually you get used to the strange feeling of being looked at, which used to make me feel horrified. You become accustomed to it over time and your fear dissipates.

3) Know The First Minutes Cold

The Art of Public Speaking makes an excellent point: work especially hard practicing your intro.

Not just because it grabs the audience and sets the tone, but research shows having the beginning down cold can help with jitters.

Anxiety levels drop after a few minutes so having the intro well-rehearsed gets you through the toughest part of the talk.

Via The Art of Public Speaking:

Work especially hard on your introduction. Research has shown that a speaker’s anxiety level begins to drop significantly after the first 30 to 60 seconds of a presentation. Once you get through the introduction, you should find smoother sailing the rest of the way.

4) Reduce Stress Ahead Of Time

Scott Berkun also has excellent tips for making sure things go well — which makes sure you don’t have to worry about things going well.

Via Confessions of a Public Speaker:

I want to make my body as relaxed as possible and exhaust as much physical energy early in the day. As a rule, I go to the gym the morning before a talk, with the goal of releasing any extra nervous energy before I get on stage. It’s the only way I’ve found to naturally turn down those fear responses and lower the odds they’ll fire. Other ways to reduce physical stress include:

-Getting to the venue early so you don’t have to rush-Doing tech and sound rehearsal well before your start time-Walking around the stage so your body feels safe in the room-Sitting in the audience so you have a physical sense of what they will see-Eating early enough so you won’t be hungry, but not right before your talk-Talking to some people in the audience before you start (if it suits you), so it’s no longer made up of strangers (friends are less likely to try to eat you)

5) What To Do If You Do Screw Up

Scott Berkun recommends looking for a face in the crowd that seems supportive.

That’s your emotional base. Look to that person for support to keep you moving forward and build from there.

Via Confessions of a Public Speaker:

If all else fails — you know the audience hates you and your point of view — seek out the person who hates you the least… If you are going to get a first smile, a nod of support, or a round of applause, it’s going to come from him. Once you find that one person, use him as your base. Don’t ignore everyone else, but know where to look for support.

6) Cheat: Make Friends Ahead of Time

Yes, there’s a way to cheat your way through public speaking fear.

Berkun recommends talking to a few audience members before the presentation, and referencing them by name during the talk.

This has three benefits:

Now the audience members aren’t all strangers to you. Those people feel special and engaged when you mention them. The rest of the audience feels like you’re part of the group.

Via Confessions of a Public Speaker:

Request the names of three people to interview who are representative of the crowd you will speak to. See if your fears are real or imagined. Then, when giving your talk, make sure to mention, “Here are the three top complaints I heard from my research with Tyler, Marla, and Cornelius.” Including the audience in your talk will score you tons of points.

Simply Put

What sums up the thrust of all six tips?

Spend a lot of time preparing and make every effort to connect with your audience personally.

If you forget everything else, keep that in mind and you’ll still see dramatic improvements in your ability.

5 secrets that will help you master conversation skills

What are the fundamentals of conversation skills?

I’ve posted about the fundamentals of networking, and even how introverts can network but many people have written to me asking about the nitty gritty of conversation skills.

What do you say when you’re face to face?

It’s a good question that isn’t often addressed. First impressions matter even more than you think. And once they’re set, they are very hard to resist.

Let’s break it down:

1) “Be yourself” is often bad advice.

Is “be yourself” the best advice before a job interview? Hell, no. Dress nice, be polite and act enthusiastic no matter what you’re like, right?

What does “be yourself” even mean? You’re not the same person moment to moment. Face it, you can be moody.

“Fake it until you make it” works. Does acting a bit in social settings mean you’re dishonest? No.

Research shows putting your best foot forward actually reveals the real you:

In sum, positive self-presentation facilitates more accurate impressions, indicating that putting one’s best self forward helps reveal one’s true self.

2) Emphasize similarity.

There is extensive research that we like people who are like us.

In almost every conceivable way, from background to word choice, emphasizing similarity improves social relations.

When salespeople were told to mimic the body language of listeners it was rarely noticed but sales increased 20%.

Via Honest Signals: How They Shape Our World:

Despite the rather obvious nature of the copycat animation, only eight of the sixty-nine subjects detected the mimicry (and those mostly because they made a strange movement and then saw the agent making the same unusual motion). The remaining students liked the mimicking agent more than the recorded agent, and rated the former as being friendlier as well as more interesting, honest, and persuasive. They also paid better attention to the copycat presenter and found the mimicker to be more persuasive. In the final analysis, just adding mimicry made the sales pitch 20 percent more effective.

3) Get them talking about what interests them.

People who have trouble with conversation always say the same thing: “But what do I talk about?”

Wrong question. The right question is “How do I get them talking about what they’re interested in?“

Don’t be a conversational narcissist. Want to get along with people? Learn how to listen.

What should you say after you listen? Research shows you should respond with things that are “active and constructive.“

Via Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being:

4) Make people feel good.

Studies show no matter what people say they prefer likable people over competent people. So don’t worry so much about being impressive.

Dale Carnegie’s work agrees with scientific research.

Even insincere flattery works:

The authors show that even when flattery by marketing agents is accompanied by an obvious ulterior motive that leads targets to discount the proffered compliments, the initial favorable reaction (the implicit attitude) continues to coexist with the discounted evaluation (the explicit attitude). Furthermore, the implicit attitude has more influential consequences than the explicit attitude, highlighting the possible subtle impact of flattery even when a person has consciously corrected for it.

How do you make people feel good without being slimy? Offer sincere compliments and ask for advice.

5) How to keep a conversation going.

Avoid extremes in autonomy. Don’t dominate a conversation, but don’t be a non-contributor either.

Add to what they say and bounce the ball back.

Via Brain Trust: 93 Top Scientists Reveal Lab-Tested Secrets to Surfing, Dating, Dieting, Gambling, Growing Man-Eating Plants, and More!:

The trick, according to Finkel, Eastwick, and Saigal, is to avoid extremes in autonomy. Accept your date’s pass, redirect it slightly, and then return the ball— all with warmth and genuine interest in his or her responses.

This acceptance and redirection is the push and pull that creates smoothness.

17 Daily Habits My Dad Insists Will Make You Happier and More Successful

The other day my dad sent me an email with the subject line, "YOUR COLUMN." (My dad is sometimes big on all-caps.) It began:

Bill:In the tradition of 12 step programs and your excellent columns, I offer the following for your use, adaptation, or rejection.

My dad (Bill Murphy Sr., if you're doing the genealogical math) has enjoyed business success as a lawyer who built his own firm, and who has worked for himself since the early 1970s. He and my mom raised five kids together, and they're still going strong. They're devoted to their grandchildren, and moreover my dad is a man who enjoys both his work and the rest of his life.

In fact, as I read his email, it occurred to me that he's achieved many of the things that younger people tell me are among their goals in life. (Of course, I've been too close to realize it.)

My dad went on to offer four daily habits, each of which made great sense to me, and which I know he's backed up with experience. However, I also know my dad well enough to realize that offering only four pieces of advice isn't exactly his nature, so I racked his brain. Here's what we came up with.

1. Carpe diem.

You know that this is Latin for "seize the day," right? This is the first daily habit on my dad's list. No matter how yesterday went--whether you had great triumphs or whether you wish you'd spent the whole day in bed, remember that every new day is a new opportunity. You can't rest on yesterday's accomplishments, and you never have to repeat yesterday's mistakes.

2. Spend as much time as you can with the people you love.

Your spouse, your kids, your parents, your close friends--whoever they are--make sure that you find lots of time to spend time with the people you truly care about. If you want to feel really guilty about this, check out the calculator at seeyourfolks.com, which will calculate how many more times you're likely to see your parents based on past experience and life expectancy. (We'll wait here while you go give them a call afterward.)

3. At the same time, love the ones you're with.

There are many different kinds of love, and here my dad is talking about showing respect and concern for the people you spend your days with. "That is simply, love everyone," is how my dad put it, and he added a quote from Thomas Merton: "Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone--we find it with another."

4. Work hard.

You can't always determine what you get out of something, but you can often control what you put into it. When I was growing up and I'd be anxious over some school assignment or other project, my dad would usually ask me the same question afterward: "Did you give it your best shot? Then forget about it."

5. At the end of the day, go home.

This one seems simple, until you start to realize how most of us are almost 100% on and accessible all the time now. Now, I'm not going to pretend that either my dad or I truly live up to this advice, but it's a good goal to have.

6. Later, go to bed.

"Get the rest you need. Your body needs sleep--not just 'rest and relaxation'--for it to work well," my dad insists. He's right of course--and it's even become fashionable to admit that people need sleep.

7. Get some exercise.

My dad's sport is swimming, and while he came to it late, my dad has the zeal of a convert. A few years ago he did a half-mile open water swim off the beach in Narragansett, R.I. Regardless of what sport or activity works for you, my dad advises, your day will be improved if you do something athletic. Science backs him up.

8. Have a little faith.

As a lawyer--the kind of lawyer who takes on real clients and tries real cases in court--dad has pretty much seen it all. He also has stronger religious (Catholic) faith than most people I know, perhaps in part because he's had his faith tested in many ways. It helps immensely if you believe in something bigger than yourself.

9. Learn another language.

My dad studied ancient Greek and Latin in high school. More recently, in his 60s, he decided to try to learn Farsi, I guess to better understand what some of our nation's enemies were saying about us. Whether you're literally learning another language or simply learning how to do new things and to challenge your preconceptions, the lesson is clear: Keep learning.

10. Read every day.

In a few weeks, guess what I'll get my dad for Father's Day: a book, most likely something on the top of the New York Times nonfiction bestseller lists. It's what I've been doing for decades, so why stop now? I can't think of many people I've known who read more than my dad. Importantly, he usually reads about things that have nothing to do with his work.

11. Keep your wardrobe simple.

My dad gave me this advice years ago when I first started working--so of course I completely ignored it at the time. However, had I gone ahead as he'd suggested and bought a handful of white and blue shirts, for example, and worn them every day, it would have been one fewer decision to have to make in the morning. It looks like that kind of simplification worked for Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, anyway.

12. Shine your shoes.

Shined shoes make you stand out these days, because most people are so casual. You can probably substitute something else for this habit. Just pick things that advertise to the world that you take care of small things. So maybe you also take care of bigger things.

(Here's a text from my dad a few hours before this column ran: "Just read it again. On point 11, change 'one less decision' to 'one fewer decision.' Your grammar is wrong. Then, point out this message as an example of point 12.")

13. Tell the people you love that you love them.

Hey, we're back to love. Don't just spend time with the people you love, as advised back in No. 2. Make sure you actually tell them that you love them. For example, when I talk to my dad, he'll tell me to tell my wife that he loves her. Unnecessarily but amusingly, he'll add that I should be sure to mention that he means he loves her "appropriately."

14. Don't worry.

This is one of those do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do pieces of advice, as my dad is in fact pretty good at worrying about things. That said, worrying rarely improves the odds of good things happening, and can actually diminish those odds.

15. Be kind to animals.

My dad has had dogs since he was little. He treats animals well. His advice? If you want to treat a dog well, treat it like a dog. Don't try to make it into something it isn't, and doesn't want to be (for example, a little human being). Help it become the best possible version of itself.

16. Find good assistants.

For many years, my father had the same, excellent secretary. He taught me long ago that even during the times when you're working by yourself, you have to be willing to depend on others for help. The most productive people in the world often succeed because they refuse to do some things.

17. Repeat as needed.

This is perhaps the most important bit of advice on my dad's list, so it's fitting to have saved it for last. None of these items are actions so much as they are behaviors. The first time you commit to them, you won't see results. Over a lifetime, however, they can greatly improve your life. Aristotle put it best: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit."

30 Things You Need To Know To Be Successful In LifeWhat does it take to be successful in life? There's no simple answer, but history has shown that there are practices that can maximize your chances of a productive, happy life.

Quora users discussed some lessons they've learned along the way in the thread, "What are the top 10 things we should be informed about in life?" Users had many more than 10 tips to offer, and we've collected and paraphrased some of the best advice, arranged by contributor below.

Justin Freeman, who works for Missouri State University's public safety division and is a former pastor and cop, advises:

1. Realize that people don't care as much as you think they might.

Most people won't notice that you bought a new car or got a promotion, and you shouldn't be basing your happiness on their judgments anyway. On the flip side, if they're showering you with attention, don't let it go to your head.

2. The people who truly care about you aren't interested in your accomplishments and possessions; they're interested in you.

It's called love, and you'll know when someone congratulating you on your new job is jealous or truly happy for you. When you find people who love you, do everything you can to hold onto them, because they'll be your foundation.

3. Arranging your life around money won't make you happy.

Focus on your passion, not your paycheck. Freeman says he knew a man who spent his career amassing six figures in savings, but died of cancer before he could even touch it.

4. Debt is not a necessary burden of adulthood.

If you're making an investment in your career by going to school, then your student debt is something you'll need to manage. But just because it's become normative, do not consider debt a rite of passage into adulthood. It can present a dangerous imbalance of your finances.

5. Rhetoric is powerful.

Figure out what elicits certain responses from people, and you'll be better able to influence others. "When you know how to speak in order to change someone's mind, to instill confidence in someone, to quiet the fears of a child, then you will know this power firsthand," writes Freeman.

6. You have a responsibility to everyone, and a responsibility for only yourself.

Freeman thinks that by merely existing we have a responsibility to recognize the humanity in everyone and offer help to those in need. Ultimately, however, you have control over only yourself, and it's on to you to find success and happiness.

7. Prepare for the unexpected.

Do all that you can to understand the way things work, whether it be how your company functions or how your government is operating. But understand that no amount of knowledge can prepare you for chaos that will inevitably hit you throughout your life. Always have a Plan B.

8. You can't let others define you.

While humans are built to be part of communities, don't let other people or ideologies tell you who you are.

9. You must always go beyond what is required.

To become successful, outperform the other guy. And when you're at the top, compete with yourself.

Christopher Graves, the global CEO of Ogilvy PR, says:

10. Self-awareness is endlessly valuable.

If you can see yourself the way others see you, you will be able to work with and get along with others more easily.

11. Biases affect everything you do.

Your worldview works its way into every decision you make. If you know your biases, you can minimize acting selfishly and do what is right for the situation.

12. Living in the present will keep you focused.

Accept that the past can't be changed, and make the most of what's in front of you.

13. People who are very different from you can enrich your life.

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people can limit your creativity, but if you seek out new perspectives, you grow faster and learn more.

14. Travel. Travel more.

Not only will being exposed to other ways of living give you a new perspective on life, it will take your brain off autopilot and allow you to return to work refreshed.

Mike Leary, a psychotherapist, says:

15. It's important to keep taking risks until you find your passion.

If you haven't found a job that makes you happy, don't settle.

16. You must take care of your health.

You can't focus on your career if you're continually set back by indulging your vices or ignoring health problems.

17. Your reputation must be protected.

Guard your reputation with all that you have. Make habits of being honest, reliable, and kind, and others will notice.

18. Emotions should not guide decision-making.

A knee-jerk reaction influenced by anger or panic can destroy a lifetime of work in one moment. Wait until you are calm before making a big decision.

19. Forgive others and yourself.

Strangers and loved ones alike will hurt and disappoint you. React accordingly, but do not hold grudges. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to fuel hatred.

20. Seek a greater purpose.

You live in a world much bigger than yourself. Figure out how you'd like to give back.

An anonymous poster writes:

21. Life is short.

Use a sense of urgency to make the most of your time.

22. There's a lot you don't know.

If there's a task you can delegate to someone better suited for it, then do it. If there's a discussion about something you're not sufficiently knowledgeable about, resist the urge to jump in.

23. You need to be honest with yourself.

If you're going to grow as a person, it's important to see unpleasant things for what they are.

Jay Bazzinotti, a writer, says:

24. Happiness is a choice.

Your attitude is a decision. Choosing to be happy and optimistic, regardless of the situation, yields more success than negativity.

25. Confidence will take you places.

When you believe in yourself, others tend to believe what you have to say.

26. Everyone is afraid.

Realize that everyone is afraid of failing. The successful ones know how to accept their fears and keep anxiety from restraining them.

27. Everyone hurts.

That's why it's important to be kind to everyone. Even a small gesture of kindness can have a big impact.

28. Nothing is perfect.

Unlike in the movies, the good guys don't always win. Appreciate what you have, and you'll be stronger and happier because of it.

Gloria Garcia adds:

29. You can learn from the countless successes before you.

It's good to have heroes. Borrow liberally from their advice, and you will find what works for you.

And Quinn KT thinks:

30. Luck is the most elusive aspect of success.

It can be easy to give up when you're talented and work hard but aren't getting a break. Remember that you find good fortune by constantly moving forward.