ConfidenceSome people “got it;” the rest of us have to build it.

Confidence has a close cousin: faith. You’re going to need both to achieve success and happiness. You’re going to need confidence to even recognize success when it comes. You’re going to need faith to transform that success into a lasting experience, which is really how you develop happiness.

Confidence is nothing more than a reasonable certainty that you can accomplish what it is you set out to do. Confidence is an emotional resource. You can measure it with some degree of accuracy. Confidence is based on experience; every time you face a challenge and overcome it, you build confidence.

Faith transcends experience. Faith is a spiritual resource that is difficult to measure or sometimes difficult to find at all. In a moment of realization, faith can swell your chest until it feels like bursting and charge your entire nervous system with electric tingling as you somehow know with absolute certainty that everything is breaking your way. The next moment it’s gone and the only reason you know it was there at all is because of an overwhelming sense of loss comes over you as doubt and fear, all too eagerly, take its place.

I guess you could say that confidence is the tangible expression of faith at times, which is really important when you’re leading others. It’s a fact that nobody is going to follow you if you’re not confident. We’ll talk much more about leadership later, but it’s important to note that all successful people are leaders. I’m not saying you’ve got to be a senator, president, or CEO. I’m saying that to accomplish your goals you’re going to need the help of other people. My friend, Marsha Petrie Sue, says it best: “You’re the CEO of Y-O-U!” You’re the leader of your mastermind team. You’ve got to show your supporters you know what you’re doing and most of all that you believe in what you’re doing. They can’t always see, recognize, or understand your faith; they can easily see whether or not you have confidence.

The good news is that both confidence and faith can be developed and practiced.

THINK Like a BLACK BELT by Jim Bouchard

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Confidence is probably the most recognized characteristic of Black Belt Mindset. It’s a common observation for people to notice a certain level of confidence and self-assurance when they meet a martial artist. Lots of martial artists confidently advertise “self-confidence” as a benefit of training in their programs. Most adult students tell me martial arts training improves their self-confidence, while parents always tell me that their children become more confident through martial arts.

It would be nice to tell you that I’ve always been self-confident and that one of the most important reasons I teach is to share that important quality with others. That would be a lie. It’s true that self-confidence is one of the most important qualities of Black Belt Mindset. It’s true that helping other people find self-confidence is one of the most important reasons I teach; however, it’s also true that for much of my life I didn’t have any.

I’ve sat alone in a crummy apartment wondering if I’d ever meet someone to share my life with. I remember being laid-off and wondering how I was going to find work. I’ve put myself into crippling debt. I’ve experienced depression; in some of those moments I’ve turned to drugs, alcohol, and have even considered suicide.

Many of you might ask how anyone could possibly consider taking his own life. Having looked in the mirror at someone considering suicide, I can tell you that for me the reason was a complete lack of confidence. Why would anyone want to be with me? Why would anyone want to give me a job? What was I worth to anyone? What was I worth to myself?

That level of depression is directly related to a loss of self-worth, and that’s often a result of a lack of self-confidence. When you lack the faith and confidence in yourself to change your circumstances the world becomes an empty and angry place. It seems as if everyone around you shares in some fantastic secret that you’re not worthy or capable of understanding. It’s very easy, and somewhat comforting in a moment like this, to simply resign yourself to a life of horrible mediocrity; or to just end it all.

That’s a truly dangerous moment. Some people will finish the job; others will condemn themselves to a slower, perhaps even more painful process of self-destruction through drugs, alcohol, and complacency. Of the three, complacency is the most dangerous and addictive drug.

There’s really only one way out. To survive any addiction, experts will tell you the first step is to accept complete responsibility for your current condition. Look in the mirror and admit you’ve got a problem.

It’s a painful admission to look in the mirror and realize that you simply don’t value yourself. The fact I realized is that there weren’t any outside forces keeping me from happiness and success; that force came from within. Like most people in this condition, I had plenty of reasonable explanations for feeling the way I did, and some

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of those reasons were legitimately imposed on me by others, particularly when I was young. I had to learn the difference between an explanation and an excuse.

It may be that your father was an unfeeling bastard and your lack of self-confidence is the result of his mistreatment or lack of encouragement. It’s also true that from this moment forward the rest is up to you. An explanation is not an excuse; you’ve got to accept personal responsibility for who and what you are, here and now, if you want any hope of transforming your life.

I don’t remember feeling at the time this moment of enlightenment was the first step in building self-confidence. I only realized in hindsight that I experienced this moment of realization, which truly took place over the course of a year or two.

What I do remember now is that I started to realize that whatever was happening in my life wasn’t someone else’s doing. I learned that there is no “The Man” and I didn’t work for him. I couldn’t get a date because I wasn’t sharing my light with the women of the world. I was desperately seeking someone who would put up with me as I was. Today I wouldn’t wish that version of me on anyone!

The first step in building confidence is learning to recognize and accept even the smallest success or the smallest step forward. At the same time, you’ve got to accept full responsibility for making the changes you want in life. Whether you caused your present situation and circumstances or not, they’re yours to remedy.

Start to recognize some small successes and you start to realize that you have some value. Build on this value and you start to share your value with others. The people around you then reflect back this value in a desire to be with you.

Part of this process is opening your ears, eyes, mind, and heart to what’s going on around you. You may not always get the feedback you desire from everyone you hoped for, but there is most certainly someone for everyone, as long as you’re open to it.

I was amazed and a little ashamed when I started to realize that I was important and valued in the lives of some of the people around me. They’d been shouting it all along; I wasn’t receptive.

So…

You’ve got to be open and receptive to the people around you and understand you have value in the lives of others. The more you improve yourself the more value you share with others. Still, the ultimate responsibility for creating your self-confidence is yours and yours alone. Be open to the encouragement of others and at the same time, know that it’s up to you to do the work.

Self-confidence is somewhat related to self-esteem. “Self-esteem” is cliché, overused, and doesn’t really describe what you need. It’s not about holding yourself in “higher

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regard,” it’s more about recognizing your true worth and value in the world. You can develop self-esteem to a degree just by practicing self-talk exercises and regarding yourself highly in your own mind. Worth and value are reflections of what you contribute to the people around you. The more important you are in the lives of others, the more self-worth and self-value you feel. Make sure you’re listening when others tell you how much you mean to them.

Before we get too far ahead, I better clarify what I mean by faith. Faith, like other spiritual resources and practices, can be religious, but it doesn’t need to be. Faith is taught in most religions, but it’s not often explained very well. It’s sometimes used to control people by teaching that faith is a gift from God and only accessible through complete acceptance of a certain doctrine. Faith is part of your wiring whether or not you’re religious, you believe in God, or you accept or even know about any particular religious doctrine.

Daily life depends on your faith in the possibility of good things coming your way today; otherwise, why face it?

Faith sometimes transcends experience. Faith can be the simple hope that everything will work out for the best. Faith is trust in the good nature of other people or a sense that you’re connected to a purpose that will somehow reveal itself if you stay the course. You can have faith and hope even without any rational reason for it. It’s sometimes just a feeling; and sometimes it’s all you’ve got! You may still believe in a positive outcome, despite the fact that every experience you’ve had and every neuron in your brain is telling you you’re up shit’s creek without a paddle!

Faith is also sometimes very elusive. You may have every reason to believe that things will work out for the best, but you just can’t seem to hang in there until it does. Maybe this is a survival mechanism. Maybe a little doubt and pessimism is also hard-wired into us to keep us from happily leaping off cliffs like a bunch of ecstatic lemmings every time we feel great about something.

Faith is necessary to move forward toward your goals, maybe even just to get up in the morning, but there’s certainly good reason to avoid obsessive or blind faith. Develop authentic faith based on acceptance in the essential goodness of human nature. Why should you believe in the goodness of human nature and the probability that your life has meaning? Because you have faith!

And that’s the secret to becoming a Black Belt: constant, never-ending self-perfection and development of your personal power. Believe in yourself and your ability to apply that process and you can achieve success…and happiness.

We started this argument by emphasizing the importance of personal responsibility, right? It’s right to accept responsibility for a failure; it’s self-defeating to identify yourself as a failure just because you happen to fail. Your business may fail, but if

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you’ve given it your best you are not a failure. That is a critical distinction you’ve got to make in order to preserve some semblance of sanity. As long as you avoid internalizing the idea of becoming a failure, you can take whatever is left after a failure, including new knowledge and experience, and get on to the next adventure. Your venture may not have survived, but you’ve survived and may even be wealthier in emotional and spiritual, if not material resources. You may be even better prepared for success than you were before you failed.

As I said, successful people do sometimes fail. They’ve just learned how to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and start all over again. They’ve developed the confidence to take another chance, and that’s extremely important. When you’ve been up against it you can quit. I won’t lie, quitting is an option. You can quit, or you can keep going. Only one of these choices guarantees a predictable result. Quit and you know what’s going to happen: nothing. Keep moving forward and everything is at risk. You’re putting chips on the table. These chips are money, reputation, self-esteem, and maybe even your health.

Any and all actions carry an element of risk. It’s important for your mental and physical well being to understand your tolerance for risk at any given time. Confident people seem to be more comfortable with risk.

The best situation is when your confidence is rooted in training, preparation, and experience. You’re reasonably sure about producing a desired outcome because you know you’re doing everything you can to produce that outcome. Your confidence is fortified by past successes and by the confidence you have that even if your effort fails you’ve got the ability, courage, and will to survive any loss and keep going.

Confidence isn’t a self-assured knowledge that you’re going to win all the time; it’s knowing that whether you win or lose you’re going to survive and grow. It’s knowing that if you get knocked down seven times, you’ll get up eight.

One of the most powerful moments in my life was the day I earned my Black Belt. Looking back now, it seems to me that before that day I was constantly struggling with a lack of self-esteem. After that accomplishment I can now believe in myself. I knew from that day forward I could accomplish anything within the scope of my talents and abilities.

What changed that day?

Nothing!

I wasn’t magically transformed the moment I strapped on that Black Belt. The transformation had been going on for a long, long time! That moment was the product of buckets of blood, sweat, and tears. I now understand that any moment of accomplishment is a predictable outcome, as long as you face challenges with courage,

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persevere through moments of doubt, failure and frustration, and develop faith that every step in the journey is a meaningful and important part of where you’re going.

My confidence doesn’t come from wearing a Black Belt; it comes from having earned it. I’m not sure where I’m going next, but I know I’m going somewhere. I can say with utmost confidence that I’m going to continue to face doubt, fear, pain, and frustration. I can also say I now have the confidence to face all of that and more. Most of all, I’m confident that I have value in this world and it’s my responsibility to share that value.

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