conflict management – having challenging conversations · 2020. 11. 9. · conflict management...

0 © Allison Cooley For University of Wiscosin-Madison Division of Continuing Studies

Conflict Management – Having

Challenging Conversations


Allison Cooley, MEd, CEC, IICDP - Leadership Coach, Facilitator and Organization Development Consultant

Allison’s passion and focus over her 25+-year career has been to develop the individual and organizational capabilities necessary to achieve higher levels of sustainable success. Her engaging, directive style and deep knowledge of people and organization systems have inspired thousands of leaders and team members at hundreds of organizations to communicate and collaborate more effectively and inclusively, better work through change and conflict, build stronger relationships, and get things done. Professional Background/Expertise Allison founded two organizations dedicated to this passion, most recently

Effectability, LLC in 2013 and Training For Change before that. She has been a leadership coach and organization development consultant for a Fortune 300 insurance organization and a member of the senior leadership team at an international technology training organization. Allison is known and appreciated for her strengths-based approach and capacity to inspire lasting behavior change. Leaders turn to her for her ability to perceptively ask the right questions to find the root causes of problems and recommend strategies to move forward. In addition to leadership coaching, Allison guides leaders and teams to work more effectively together through her workshops, seminars and retreats, and consults with organization leadership to help strategize and optimize their organizations for success. She views her work through an equity and inclusion lens, striving to leverage diversity to improve organizational performance. Certifications and Credentials

• Board Certified Coach (Center for Education and Credentialing) • Certified Executive Coach (Center for Executive Coaching) • Inclusion Institute Certified Diversity Practitioner (The People Company) • Myers-Briggs certified, currently pursuing Master MBTI status (CAPT) • DiSC certified (RealSolutions) • Organization development certificate (Linkage) • Master of Education degree, Adult Education specialty (University of Minnesota) • Certified Career Coach (Career Partners International)

Consulting and Coaching Niche Allison’s coaching style and consulting work is effective for leaders and team members who want to:

• Become more effective, respectful and inclusive communicators and collaborators • Develop or improve relationships • Manage time and priorities more effectively • Improve overall leadership and team performance • Work through conflict or mistrust among team members including executive leadership teams • Negotiate more effectively • Navigate through change, transition or conflict • Refine decision making processes and approaches • Develop clear, actionable strategic operational and diversity plans • Appropriately manage stress and build resilience


After participating in this class, you’ll be able to:

• Recognize how conflict can be both positive and negative and identify common causes of conflict in the workplace.

• Apply strategies to effectively manage challenge and conflict. • Understand how differences in behavior styles might cause tension with another person,

especially under stress, and effectively coach employees to recognize and manage style differences.

• Describe different conflict management approaches in order to better work together to reach a resolution to a conflict.

• Engage in a high stakes conversation to achieve a resolution that moves a situation forward while making the relationship stronger.


Understanding Organizational Conflict Activity: Examining a Workplace Conflict Instructions: Think of a conflict you are currently experiencing or have experienced in your workplace. Take five minutes to answer the questions below. Then take 10 minutes in your small groups to share your answers round-robin style. Spokesperson: keep track of any themes to share with the larger group.

1. Who is (was) involved?

2. What are (were) the issues?

3. What are (were) the costs of the conflict to you, the other party, and the organization?

Common Sources of Workplace Conflict Conflict in the workplace is inevitable. The individual talents, strengths, experiences, backgrounds, expectations and aspirations that make teams effective also cause disruption and challenge. Some possible sources of conflict include:

Interpersonal style differences

Competing priorities

Unclear expectations

Differing personal values, cultures, beliefs, etc.

Taboos

Human tendencies: need to be “right”, self-preservation, self-serving fairness interpretations, ego, etc.

Unclear or inaccurate perceptions

Inconsistent reward/recognition practices


Interpersonal Communication Styles and Conflict

We all have a genuine desire to form relationships, achieve goals, to build trust and to get our needs met, but our natural, well-meaning tendencies may not be interpreted by others as we intend. It’s generally easier to form trusting, productive relationships and communicate effectively with those people who share the same style as ours; the opportunity for misunderstanding and conflict is greater with those who have a different style than ours.

Interpersonal Communication Style Model

Fast pace, action oriented

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• Direct, straightforward • Brief, concise, brutally honest, blunt • Just the facts • May not invite or encourage others’ ideas

and thoughts • Time-sensitive, in the moment, efficient • May come across as insensitive

• Enthusiastic, entertaining, persuasive, influential

• Expresses ideas and opinions freely • Emotions are evident • Easy to talk to; approachable • Prefers to see faces • May be unstructured, “thinking out loud”

Relationship/people focused

• Careful, deliberate, observant • Quiet, reserved • Fact and detail oriented • Controlled and orderly, structured • Needs time to process • Prefers written, in advance • Hard to read

• Easy going, traditional, calm, patient, sincere • Draws others out • Excellent listener and participant • May not speak until through processing entire

situation • May sugarcoat or speak the whole truth • May seek to smooth things over

Moderate pace, stability oriented


Interpersonal Communication Styles Under Stress


Activity: Identifying and Avoiding Interpersonal Style Tension Instructions: In your small group for your assigned style, discuss how that style might come across to others, especially in times of stress or challenge. Then, list some things you would suggest they try in order to prevent or reduce interpersonal conflict with other styles. Your team spokesperson will share your team’s thoughts with the larger group.

Fast pace/action oriented

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Goal oriented

May come across as:

To reduce interpersonal conflict, try to:

Idea oriented

May come across as:


Relationship/people focused

Data oriented

May come across as:


Relationship oriented

May come across as:


Thoughtful pace/stability oriented


General Strategies For Preventing Destructive Conflict 1. Provide opportunities to listen.

2. Always communicate clearly, honestly and inclusively.

3. Demonstrate consistency in all of your actions.

4. Become adept at spotting interpersonal style differences and stress reactions.

5. Follow the rule of 3’s: Look for patterns.

6. Be especially diligent in times of change and transition.

7. Reward positive behaviors.

8. Actively dis-incent negative behaviors.

9. Actively and effectively engage in hard conversations.

10. Watch for organization mis-alignments and call them out.

Which strategy above will you pay special attention to going forward?


Resolving Conflict The four main approaches to resolving a conflict

Negotiation. This is a back-and-forth communication designed to reach an agreement when you and the other side have some interests that are shared and others that are opposed.

Mediation. This is a dynamic, structured, interactive process where an impartial third party assists disputing parties in resolving conflict through the use of specialized communication and negotiation techniques.

Arbitration. This is a private process where disputing parties agree that one or several individuals can make a decision about the dispute after receiving evidence and hearing argument.

Litigation. the process of resolving disputes by filing or answering a complaint through the public court system.

Pitfalls to Avoid When Resolving Conflict 1. Getting hung up on what is “fair”

2. An “us versus them” mentality.

3. Not relying on facts.

4. Not focusing on mutual interests.

5. Not following up afterward.

6. Not accepting responsibility for your actions.

7. Focusing on the people, not the problem.

8. Not being clear about exactly what outcome you want.

9. Escalating tensions with threats and provocation.

10. Allowing emotional reactions to get in the way

What pitfalls do you tend to fall into?


Conflict Management Modes Each of us has a preferred method of dealing with conflict. Some of us routinely and consistently avoid conflict; others of us habitually fight for what we believe is the outcome we desire. While these approaches may be comfortable and natural for us, they are only appropriate and effective in certain situations. When we rely on one or two modes exclusively and don’t adapt our conflict management approach situationally, conflicts can drag on, cause deep resentment, mistrust, or hostility and cost the organization time, productivity and ultimately dollars.

In 1974, Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, after several years of research, published an assessment that helped people identify their preferred conflict management mode. They postulated that people tend to have a preferred conflict management mode that they go to habitually rather than consciously selecting the most appropriate mode for the situation based on their level of assertiveness and cooperativeness.

Source: www.kilmanndiagnostics.com

http://www.kilmanndiagnostics.com/


Activity: Conflict Management Modes Quiz Instructions: Some characteristics of each of the five conflict modes are listed below. In groups of 2, match the appropriate conflict mode with the characteristic.

A. Competing D. Collaborating C. Compromising B. Avoiding E. Accommodating

_____ 1. Not worth the time and energy to you

_____ 2. Takes a long time

_____ 3. Your values/desires aren’t as important as the other party’s

_____ 4. Acknowledge you made a mistake/decide it was no big deal

_____ 5. Effective when the other person or party has a better plan or solution

_____

6. Considered an easy way out when you need more time to collaborate to find a better solution

_____ 7. Delay your response instead of voicing concerns

_____ 8. Results in a “lose-lose” approach

_____ 9. Create room for multiple ideas

_____ 10. May be appropriate for emergencies when time is important

_____ 11. Requires time and effort from both parties

_____

12. Try to find fast, mutually acceptable solutions to conflicts that partially satisfy both parties

_____ 13. Identify underlying concerns of a conflict

_____ 14. Takes on a “win-lose” approach where one person wins and one person loses

_____ 15. Assert own views while also listening to other views and welcoming differences

_____ 16. Does not rely on cooperation with the other party to reach outcome

_____ 17. Seek a “win-win” outcome

_____ 18. Put relationships first, ignore issues, and try to keep peace at any price

_____ 19. Appropriate temporary solution

_____ 20. Can create some space in an emotional environment

_____ 21. Build emotional capital for the bigger fight


Appropriate Uses of Each Mode


Preparing to Resolve a Conflict: Examining the Conflict Putting an end to a conflict can an only occur if you are willing to resolve it and you are willing to take responsibility for your part in the conflict and your part in the resolution. If neither of these things are true, the odds that you will resolve the conflict or see sustainable differences and more positive results are slim.

If you are willing to resolve the conflict and take responsibility, the steps below will lead you on a path to conflict resolution.

1. ACCURATELY describe the conflict. What exactly is happening? Who is involved? How often and when does it happen? How long has this been going on? What result is not happening because of this conflict? What assumptions might you be making about the situation?

2. Identify your desired outcome. What would it look like if this conflict were resolved? Specifically, how would each of us be behaving? What would each of us be saying to each other? How would you be feeling? Who else should be involved in resolving this conflict? What elements in this conflict are truly out of your or the other party’s control? What elements are in your control? What have you tried? What has worked?

3. Understand the other party’s needs and style. How would the other party describe the conflict? What has occurred in the past that might have caused resentment from the other party’s perspective? What becomes possible for the other party if the conflict is resolved? What does the other party want? What is the other party’s communication style? What are their aspirations, goals and motivators?

4. Understand your orientation to the conflict. What do you need from the other person to resolve the conflict? What are you willing to be flexible on or to give up? What requests can you make of the other party but yet have a positive impact on them? Where are you willing to not be “right” about?

5. Identify how you will connect with the other party. What are our mutual goals, aspirations, wants, needs, motivators, etc.? What do we have in common regarding our communication and conflict management style? What differences do you see that could undermine conflict resolution?

Adapted with permission from Center For Executive Coaching


Group Activity: Examining a Conflict Scenario: You and your colleagues are responsible for compiling materials to be sent to your clients. You frequently find mistakes your colleague has made. You suspect they are working too quickly and not paying attention to detail. You’re frustrated that this wastes time and this colleague gets away with slacking off.

Let’s work through the steps to resolve this conflict together.

1. ACCURATELY describe the conflict.

2. Identify your desired outcome.

3. Understand the other party’s needs and style.

4. Understand your orientation to the conflict.

5. Identify how you will connect with the other party.

6. Identify a strategy to resolve the conflict.


Model for a Conflict Resolution Conversation The ability to effectively engage in difficult, high stakes conversations is critical to professional and personal success. It’s something that requires expertise and practice to master. The best practices outlined here will help!

1. Kick off the conversation in a way that builds trust. • Reference the mutual interests both parties have. • Consider the other party’s style and what they might trust. • Gain agreement on something: “We both want to deliver the best client solution possible,

right?” • Resist the temptation to blame, shame, label, judge, be right, be better, be more… • Own the goal of this conversation and its outcome.

2. Ask for the other person’s story before sharing your own.

• “I’d like to understand why….” “Tell me more about….” “I’d like to hear your thinking on..." • Confirm the other party’s feelings, experience and perspective. • Listen intently and ask good questions to help you understand the other party’s perspective,

NOT to confirm your own. • Watch out for red herrings that might distract you from the conversation at hand. • Remember you are not agreeing with the other person’s story, and you are not surrendering

your interests or your principles. You are showing them you care about them and their interests.

3. Then, share your story and the impact the conflict is having. • Use “I” statements to express your interests directly. Share what you are seeing, hearing, or

sensing, the emotions you are feeling and the impact this is having on a result or outcome. • “When you don’t attend project meetings, I don’t know the status of your work which impacts

resource allocation.”

4. Come to a mutually acceptable agreement. • Create a list of mutual interests and criteria that reflects them. • Offer a solution to try, OR • Brainstorm a list of options that meet those criteria and evaluate them using a grid or other tool. • Try one solution for a while, then another; evaluate which is best based on criteria.

NOTE: Attempt to suspend your emotional reactions during the conversation. It can be tricky to not respond emotionally when we perceive we are being attacked. Below are some tips that can help:

• Take a few deep breaths to allow your brain to process the emotion and re-focus.


• Ask a question to clarify your perception. • Paraphrase what you just heard so both parties can reflect on the meaning and clarify where

necessary. • Stop the conversation and resume at a point in the future to ensure you act rather than react. • Reframe the conversation toward interests you both have. Re-focus on the facts, the goal of the

conversation and the mutual purpose you have.

Group Activity: Conducting a Conflict Resolution Conversation Scenario: You and your colleagues are responsible for compiling materials to be sent to your clients. You frequently find mistakes your colleague has made. You suspect they are working too quickly and not paying attention to detail. You’re frustrated that this wastes time and this colleague gets away with slacking off.

Let’s work through the conversation. How could we:

1. Kick off the conversation in a way that builds trust. 2. Ask for the other person’s story before sharing your own.

3. Then, share your story and the impact the conflict is having.

4. Come to a mutually acceptable agreement.

Post-Conversation 1. Document the terms of the negotiated agreement even if it isn’t a formal contract and having the

parties sign the agreement.

2. Follow up. After the agreement is made, continue to monitor the measures you established and follow up as agreed.

3. Monitor the metrics. Determine how you will measure adherence to the agreement or effectiveness of the agreement and when you will follow up.


Activity: Preparing To Resolve a Conflict Instructions: Refer to the steps to examine a workplace conflict in preparation for a conflict resolution conversation. Then, in a group of two, examine one or both of the conflict scenarios below. Make whatever assumptions you need to. Scenario 1: Your co-worker is often late to work, leaves early and is more casual about deadlines than you are. He also tends to not respond to emails, phone calls or other attempts to get and give information in a timely manner. You need this information to move forward on your deliverables for the project. You two are responsible for a project that is now 5 days behind schedule due, you think, to a lack of information from him. 1. How would you describe the conflict?

2. What is your desired outcome? 3. How would you connect with the other party? Scenario 2: Your manager tends to get very involved with your work, asking what you are doing at various intervals throughout the day, asking why you are working on A vs. B, asking why you did one thing but not another. This isn’t something you find helpful. You think it wastes your time and it makes you wonder if you are underperforming. 1. How would you describe the conflict?

2. What is your desired outcome? 3. How would you connect with the other party?


References “An Overview of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI).” Our Mission. Kilmanndiagnostics, n.d. Web. Jan. 2015. www.kilmanndiagnostics.com.

Covey, Stephen R. and Rebecca R. Merrill, “The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything”, Free Press, 2008.

Horsager, David, “The Trust Edge: How Top Leaders Gain Faster Results, Deeper Relationships, and a Stronger Bottom Line”, Free Press, 2012.

Kouzes, James M. and Barry Z. Posner, “Credibility: How Leaders Gain and Lose It, Why People Demand It”, Jossey-Bass, 2011.

Merrill, David W. Merrill and Roger H. Reid, Personal Styles & Effective Performance, CRC Press, 1999

Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High 2nd Edition, McGraw-Hill, 2011.

Ritchey, Tom, I’m Stuck, You’re Stuck: Break Through to Better Work Relationships and Results By Discovering Your DiSC Behavioral Style, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2002.

Shell, G. Richard, “Bargaining for Advantage: Negotiation Strategies for Reasonable People”, Penguin Books, 2006.

Thomas, Kenneth and Ralph Kilmann, “Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument”, CPP, 2002.

http://www.kilmanndiagnostics.com/

conflict management – having challenging conversations · 2020. 11. 9. · conflict management...

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