Conflict ResolutionConflict Resolution

EmpathyEmpathy

EmpathyEmpathy

What does empathy mean?What does empathy mean? Empathy is “feeling into”, seeing how it is Empathy is “feeling into”, seeing how it is

through another's eyes.through another's eyes. It involves experiencing the feelings of It involves experiencing the feelings of

another without losing ones another without losing ones own identityown identity..

EmpathyEmpathy

The emphatic person senses the other The emphatic person senses the other person’s bewilderment, anger, fear or love person’s bewilderment, anger, fear or love “as if”“as if” it were his own feeling, but he does it were his own feeling, but he does not lose the not lose the “as if”“as if” nature of his own nature of his own involvement. involvement. (Robert Bolton, People Skills, 1987)(Robert Bolton, People Skills, 1987)

EmpathyEmpathy

Some of the things that help you to feel Some of the things that help you to feel empathy towards another person are:empathy towards another person are:

TrustTrust AttentivenessAttentiveness Appropriate ResponsesAppropriate Responses Shared ExperiencesShared Experiences RespectRespect SupportSupport

EmpathyEmpathy

Some of the things that make it difficult to Some of the things that make it difficult to feel empathy towards another person are:feel empathy towards another person are:

InattentivenessInattentiveness Lack of interestLack of interest Lack of respectLack of respect

EmpathyEmpathy

The key elements of empathy as a skill are:The key elements of empathy as a skill are: We must separate our responses from those of We must separate our responses from those of

the person we are empathizing. the person we are empathizing. Retain objectivity and distanceRetain objectivity and distance Be alert to cues about feelings offered to us by Be alert to cues about feelings offered to us by

the other person.the other person. Communicate to people our feeling for them and Communicate to people our feeling for them and

our understanding of their situations.our understanding of their situations.

EmpathyEmpathy

Some things a person can do to help in the Some things a person can do to help in the communication process are:communication process are:

Stop talking. Always remember that if you are Stop talking. Always remember that if you are talking, than you are not listening.talking, than you are not listening.

Ask questionsAsk questions Using “mms” and “ahs” to encourage them.Using “mms” and “ahs” to encourage them. Maintain good eye contact.Maintain good eye contact. Display attentive and welcoming body language.Display attentive and welcoming body language.

EmpathyEmpathy

Some things a person can do to shut down Some things a person can do to shut down the communication process are:the communication process are:

Not really listenNot really listen Not showing interestNot showing interest Not being attentive to the person speakingNot being attentive to the person speaking Poor eye contactPoor eye contact Changing the topicChanging the topic

EmpathyEmpathy

When attempting to empathize with When attempting to empathize with someone you must always be on the someone you must always be on the watch for empathy blockers. There are watch for empathy blockers. There are four main types:four main types:

DominationDomination ManipulationManipulation DisempowermentDisempowerment DenialDenial

EmpathyEmpathy

DominationDomination Threatening: “Do it or else” Threatening: “Do it or else” Ordering: “Don’t ask me why, just do it because I Ordering: “Don’t ask me why, just do it because I

said so”said so” Criticizing: “You don’t work hard enough”; Criticizing: “You don’t work hard enough”;

“You’re always complaining”“You’re always complaining” Name-Calling: “Only an idiot would say that”; Name-Calling: “Only an idiot would say that”;

“You’re neurotic”“You’re neurotic” Shoulding or oughting: “You shouldn’t be so Shoulding or oughting: “You shouldn’t be so

angry”; “You ought to face facts”angry”; “You ought to face facts”

EmpathyEmpathy

ManipulationManipulation Withholding Relevant Information: “If you knew Withholding Relevant Information: “If you knew

the “big picture” you would see it differently” the “big picture” you would see it differently” Interrogating (micro-managing): “How many Interrogating (micro-managing): “How many

hours did this take you?” “What are you doing hours did this take you?” “What are you doing now?”now?”

Praising to manipulate: “You are so good at Praising to manipulate: “You are so good at report writing, I would like you do this one.”report writing, I would like you do this one.”

EmpathyEmpathy

DisempowermentDisempowerment Diagnosing motives: “You are very possessive”; “You Diagnosing motives: “You are very possessive”; “You

have always had a problem with time management”have always had a problem with time management” Untimely advice: “Why didn’t you do it this way?”Untimely advice: “Why didn’t you do it this way?” Changing the topic: “Yes it is a worry…by the way, did I Changing the topic: “Yes it is a worry…by the way, did I

tell you I applied for a new job?”tell you I applied for a new job?” Persuading with logic: “There’s nothing to be upset Persuading with logic: “There’s nothing to be upset

about. It’s all quite reasonable…we just do this…than about. It’s all quite reasonable…we just do this…than we do that…”we do that…”

Topping: “I crashed the car last week” and you follow Topping: “I crashed the car last week” and you follow with “When I smashed up my car…”with “When I smashed up my car…”

EmpathyEmpathy

DenialDenial Refusing to address the issue: “There is Refusing to address the issue: “There is

nothing to discuss as I cannot see any nothing to discuss as I cannot see any problem.”problem.”

Reassuring: “Don’t be nervous”; “Don’t Reassuring: “Don’t be nervous”; “Don’t worry it will work out”; “You will be fine”worry it will work out”; “You will be fine”

EmpathyEmpathy

ImportantImportant Always remember that people in trouble Always remember that people in trouble

want to be reassured and we want to give want to be reassured and we want to give that reassurance.that reassurance.

However the “there, everything will be However the “there, everything will be alright” approach is not a help. It may alright” approach is not a help. It may actually be a disservice as everything may actually be a disservice as everything may not be alright.not be alright.

EmpathyEmpathy

ImportantImportant The kind of reassurance that people in difficulty The kind of reassurance that people in difficulty

need is not meaningless comfort that the need is not meaningless comfort that the problem will take care of itself, but rather our problem will take care of itself, but rather our statement of faith that they will be strong enough statement of faith that they will be strong enough to work it out even if it is not alright.to work it out even if it is not alright.

Let them know that you are available and would Let them know that you are available and would work with them in finding something that can work with them in finding something that can help.help.

EmpathyEmpathy

Some of the consequences of using “empathy Some of the consequences of using “empathy Blockers” are:Blockers” are:

Defensiveness, resistance and resentment.Defensiveness, resistance and resentment. Blocks feelingsBlocks feelings Diminishes self-esteemDiminishes self-esteem Decreases the ability to solve problemsDecreases the ability to solve problems Creates emotional barriers between people.Creates emotional barriers between people.

EmpathyEmpathy

People tend to fall into the trap of using People tend to fall into the trap of using empathy blockers in many situations, empathy blockers in many situations, including:including:

They might be under stressThey might be under stress Feeling angryFeeling angry FrustratedFrustrated Out of controlOut of control Out of habitOut of habit

EmpathyEmpathy

With awareness of our use of empathy With awareness of our use of empathy blockers we can try to choose more blockers we can try to choose more effective methods of communication.effective methods of communication.

EmpathyEmpathy

When we use an empathy blocker, or shut When we use an empathy blocker, or shut down our communication when an down our communication when an empathy blocker is used on us, we are empathy blocker is used on us, we are probably relying on a habitual and probably relying on a habitual and automatic way of behaving that we learned automatic way of behaving that we learned in childhood.in childhood.

In other words “We React”. In other words “We React”.

EmpathyEmpathy

However, when we pause a moment and However, when we pause a moment and choose a response that opens rather than choose a response that opens rather than closes communication, then we can closes communication, then we can “respond”. You may use phrases such as “respond”. You may use phrases such as “I’m listening”, “this really seems important “I’m listening”, “this really seems important to you” or “let’s discuss it”.to you” or “let’s discuss it”.

By choosing to respond, we are taking By choosing to respond, we are taking control of our behavior and opening the control of our behavior and opening the door to richer relationships.door to richer relationships.

EmpathyEmpathy

Once we are responding rather than Once we are responding rather than reacting , there can be times when offering reacting , there can be times when offering assurances or giving advice can be assurances or giving advice can be helpful. Those times come after you have helpful. Those times come after you have listened and others know they have been listened and others know they have been heard, and after you have shown them heard, and after you have shown them respect and recognized how they are respect and recognized how they are feeling.feeling.

EmpathyEmpathy

Reassurance and advice may then be Reassurance and advice may then be given in a cautious, constructive and given in a cautious, constructive and supportive manner that empowers them to supportive manner that empowers them to do what they need to in order to move on.do what they need to in order to move on.

CreditsCredits

We wish to thank the Conflict Resolution We wish to thank the Conflict Resolution Network for their generous donation of materials Network for their generous donation of materials used in the creation of this presentation.used in the creation of this presentation.

Conflict Resolution NetworkConflict Resolution Network PO PO Box 1016, Chatswood NSW 2057Box 1016, Chatswood NSW 2057Phone: +61 (0)2 9419-8500Phone: +61 (0)2 9419-8500Fax: +61 (0)2 9413-1148Fax: +61 (0)2 9413-1148Email: Email: crn@crnhq.orgcrn@crnhq.orgWebsite: Website: www.crnhq.orgwww.crnhq.org

CreditsCredits

This course was created by AMFA Local 11 to This course was created by AMFA Local 11 to assist in the education of its Professional assist in the education of its Professional Standards Committee members.Standards Committee members.

Permission to use this material is granted to any Permission to use this material is granted to any AMFA Local.AMFA Local.

This course was created using materials This course was created using materials provided by The Conflict Resolution Network. provided by The Conflict Resolution Network. Permission has been extended to use this Permission has been extended to use this material providing credit remains intact on all material providing credit remains intact on all modules.modules.