7/30/2019 Conflict Resolution (Tim Henderson).pdf

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“YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT”

CONFLICT RESOULUTIONTIM HENDERSON

I I could snap my ngers and impart one skill to

people, it would be the ability to address and resolve

confict. When someone is upset with someone else,

their rst move is to go and talk trash about them to

someone else. There is a tendency to gossip, complain,

and malign them. That, o course, is an ungodly

response and though it might be gratiying to our

fesh, it does nothing to restore the relationship.

 We tend to avoid going to the other person we’re upset

with because we don’t know what to say. I’d like to

show you a ve-step guide to ollow when you need to

have a hard conversation with someone. Who knows,

i you and they ollow these rules, you could start an

epidemic o healthy confict resolution.

Typically when someone’s mad at someone else, the

anger builds until it reaches a personal boiling point.

Then the person unloads: “You always do that. I can’t

believe you’re such a jerk. It’s no wonder nobody likes

you. How could you be so stupid?”

 Well, that was nice. The good news is you nally

decided to address what’s bothering you, sort o. But

all the other person caught was this garbled mass o 

accusations and emotion. Unortunately, he has no

idea what you’re talking about, and is totally on the

deensive. Good work. Here’s a better idea.

FACTSStart by letting him know what the heck you are

talking about. But do so dispassionately. Pop quiz: Is

the ollowing a statement o act? “When I called you

last night, you were so incredibly rude. I stayed up late

waiting or you to call, but did you care? No! I swear

you are the most inconsiderate person who ever lived.

I hope you choke to death on your own blood.”

Uh, no. That’s a bit o act loaded with interpretation,

opinion, accusation, and lunatic ranting. Try this

instead: “Hey Oscar, do you have a ew minutes?

There’s something I need to talk to you about. Last

night I was expecting to hear rom you. By 11 o’clock I

hadn’t received a call rom you, so I decided to try your

cell. When you answered, the conversation was brie,

and you hung up beore I got to ask you my question.”

Catch all that? No interpretation, just the cold hard

acts with no attempt to spin them or read into them.

 We’re o to a much better start.

THOUGHTSHaving established the acts that all should be able to

agree on, you are ree to move to step two, in which

you state clearly your interpretation o the acts.

 Avoid saying things such as, “And on the basis o the

aorementioned acts, I think you rot.” Instead,

try something like this:

“Oscar, I thought we agreed to connect at 9 p.m. since

I had to nish the paper and you were the only one

in the group who had that citation that you agreed to

look up. Since the paper is 40 percent o our grade, I

thought it was irresponsible or you to not give me the

inormation I needed when I nally called you.”

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See, you’re being honest, the acts are out there, and

now so is your basic interpretation

and complaint. Keep going.

FEELINGSThis is where you should let the other person know

how you eel. Be careul though. I you begin your

sentence by saying, “I eel that ... ” you are almost

never describing a eeling. I know that sounds screwy,

but it’s true. “I eel like you are a jerk.” “I eel like

choking you with my own hands.” “I eel that the

world would be a better place i you were eaten by a 

pack o wild dogs.” None o those describe eelings.

They may reveal eelings indirectly, but they are really

statements o thought. Try again.

“I need to tell you I was really angry when you hung 

up. I had been growing more rustrated as the night

went on because I knew it meant I’d be up late

nishing this paper. And I was disappointed that you

didn’t own up to your obligation when I called.”

DESIREIn this step, make it clear what you wish were true.

Or in the language o the Middle East peace process,

“Lay a roadmap or the uture.” Since we are trying 

to be civil and win hearts, not infame rage, try not to

say, “I swear i we get stuck in the same group again

I’m going to chain you to the desk in the library and

superglue your eyes open.”

Instead, try, “It’s really important to me to get a good

grade in this class so I can get into my major. I’d also

like our group to stay together or the next project.

You’ve got some good ideas and I think we really

benet having you take part.”

ACTIONSThe nal step is when you oer specic actions or the

uture. What are you asking the person to do? What

are you pledging to do? Avoid statements such as:

“So in the uture, why don’t you grow up and do your

stinkin’ homework? I’m sick and tired o you sucking 

the lie out o me and leeching o my work.”

Instead, try: “I’d really appreciate it i you could get

the bibliography done by Friday like we decided. I you

can’t, let me know so the group can reassign that job

and give you a dierent assignment.”

Facts. Thoughts. Feelings. Desires. Actions.

Tim Henderson is the Campus Director at Penn State

University and has authored or co-authored many of 

the Campus Ministry resources like The Compass and 

Cru.comm.

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