Confrontation in RelationshipsConfrontation in Relationships

Thoughts from book, How to Have that Difficult How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been AvoidingConversation You've been Avoiding

By Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend and other sources

Presented by Bob and Celia Munson, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center

TerminologyTerminology

Confront: Comes from the Latin meaning to turn one's face toward something or someone.

Boundary: “Your personal property line”-- who you are, where you end, and others begin.

Confrontation: Set a boundary that works when one is honest and when one establishes a consequence for another's hurtful actions.

ConfrontConfront

Counsel (pagpayuhan/ bagbagaan) Correct (itama ang asal/ tarimaanen ti tignay)Advise (pagpayuhan/ paligmaanan)Admonish/reprove (pagsabihan/ babalawen)Rebuke (isisi/ pabasolen)Discipline (disciplinahin/ surwan)

Boundaries: defining who we areBoundaries: defining who we are

What I want and what I don't want What I am for and what I am against What I love and what I hate What is “me” and what is “not me” What are my opinions, beliefs, and

attitudes

Situations Where We Need to Set Situations Where We Need to Set BoundariesBoundaries

Dealing with a difficult person in a relationship (abuser, manipulator, controller, irresponsible)

Figuring out when to say “No” so as not to overextend oneself

Working out better patterns of intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship

Taking a stand for one's values in a relationship Preventing someone from taking over one's

time, energy, or resources--- more than one wants to give.

When Might Confrontation When Might Confrontation Be HelpfulBe Helpful

To Preserve love Prov. 27:6 To Resolve alienation (bring disconnected

people together) To Empower, build each other up (I Thess

5:11) To Solve problems (No pain no gain,

applies. Unresolved problems become worse)

What are Some Reasons Some What are Some Reasons Some Don't Confront?Don't Confront?

I don't know how to do it right I fear failure or repercussions I feel that confronting will cause more

harm than good I fear losing the relationship I fear being the object of anger I fear being hurtful I fear being perceived as bad

Confrontation is About Confrontation is About ReconciliationReconciliation

It is NOT about Forgiveness Forgiveness has to do with the past.

Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against them. It is letting go. It only takes one to offer forgiveness. As God has offered forgiveness to everyone, we are expected to do the same. (Matt 6:12, 18:35)

Confrontation is About Confrontation is About ReconciliationReconciliation

Reconciliation is different from Forgiveness

Reconciliation has to do with the present. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile.

Confrontation is About Confrontation is About ReconciliationReconciliation

Trust is unrelated to forgiveness and reconciliation

Trust has to do with the future. It deals with both what you will risk happening again, and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again (Matt 3:8, Prov. 4:23)

When Might Confrontation When Might Confrontation Be HelpfulBe Helpful

To Create growth (especially with children... growth comes from experiencing truth with love)

To Clarify reality (removing misunderstandings and distortions)

To Avoid being part of the problems. Ex. Stop enabling bad behavior/addictions. Prov. 19:19, Ezek. 3:18-19

Essentials: Essentials: Be emotionally Be emotionally present and connectedpresent and connected

Be warm and available to the other person Converse, don't lecture Connect, even with differences Be willing to make the other uncomfortable (or

be uncomfortable yourself) without being injurious

Observe yourself and what makes you “shut down” or “open up”

Essentials: Essentials: Clarify the ProblemClarify the Problem

Clarify the nature of the problem. Specifics and observations

Clarify the effects of the problem Clarify your desire for change

Essentials: Essentials: Be careful about the Be careful about the use of “You” and “I”use of “You” and “I”

For example: “You need to change” really means “I need for you to change.”

Use the Formula, when you do “A” I feel “B”

Essentials: Essentials: Stay on TaskStay on Task

Be specific and clear Expect:

Defensiveness Deflection Diversion

Essentials: Essentials: Remember HumilityRemember Humility

Balance grace and truth Affirm and validate Apologize for your part in the

problem Be helpful and supportive

Essentials: Essentials: AttitudesAttitudes

Unselfish (in motive)Desire for win-win resultSeeking people developmentNOT while angryOther’s best interest at heart

Confrontation GuidelinesConfrontation Guidelines

1. Confront ASAP2. Separate the person from their actions3. Only confront what the person can change4. Give person the benefit of the doubt5. Be specific6. Avoid sarcasm

Confrontation GuidelinesConfrontation Guidelines

7. Avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’8. Express feelings9. Give a “game plan”10. Affirm the person <Guidelines by John Maxwell>

A.I.R. Method of ConfrontingA.I.R. Method of Confronting

Step 1. Awareness (may kaalaman/ ammo)

Step 2. Impact/ Consequence/Cause and Effect (epekto)

Step 3. Request (makiusap/ ipakisuyo)

But What If You Are Receiving the But What If You Are Receiving the Confrontation?Confrontation?

Confrontation done in a loving and gentle manner yields a positive response.

Confrontation done poorly results in anger, hurt, and/or defensiveness.

10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes AwryWhen Confrontation Goes Awry

1. Keep Silent (Isaiah 53:7)2. Think Before You React (James 1:19-20)3. Really Listen (James 1:19)4. Respond Gently (Proverbs 15:1)5. Agree with whatever is true -in principle -with the possibility of truth (Matthew 5:25)

10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes AwryWhen Confrontation Goes Awry

6. Give caring feedback (I Peter 3:9)7. Bless the person (Romans 12:14)8. Avoid quarrelling (Ephesians 4:31)9. Offer to help (Luke 6:27)10. Ask for forgiveness (Psalm 51:3-4)

4 Rs of Forgiveness and 4 Rs of Forgiveness and RepentanceRepentance

Take RESPONSIBILITYDemonstrate REMORSE/REGRETRESOLVE to change nowREPAIR the damage

“When someone goes through these 4 R’s with sincerity. We have the obligation to forgive even if the trust is not yet re-established.

As to that trust, here is an old Arabic saying: “Forgive, but tie up your camel.”

ReferencesReferences

Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. “How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding... With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating,” Zondervan, 2005.

Maxwell, John C. “Developing the Leaders Around You,” Thomas Nelson, 2005.

”Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills,” International Training Partners.

Maybin, Sarita. “To Confront or Not to Confront? When You'd Rather Not Say Anything.” http://ezinearticles.com/?To-Confront-or-Not-to-Confront?:--What-to-Say-When-Youd-Rather-Not-Say-Anything-At-All&id=465187

Schlessinger, Dr. Laura. 4 Steps to Repentence. Vol. 2012. articles.chicagotribune.com, 1998.

How to Have that Difficult How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Conversation You've been

AvoidingAvoiding

Thoughts from book of the same nameBy Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Presented by Bob and Celia Munson, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center