CONNECTING DEEPER CONNECTING DEEPER WITH YOUR CHILDRENWITH YOUR CHILDREN

Part 1: September 16, 2012Part 1: September 16, 2012Part 2: September 30, 2012Part 2: September 30, 2012

Colleen Lam Nguyen, M.A.Colleen Lam Nguyen, M.A.Marriage Family Therapist InternMarriage Family Therapist InternChristian Psychotherapy ServicesChristian Psychotherapy Serviceswww.sfchristiancounseling.comwww.sfchristiancounseling.com

Part 1:Part 1:How do we Connect How do we Connect

Deeply with our children? Deeply with our children? 3 Answers:3 Answers:ListenListen to your child: to your child: empathyempathyValueValue your child’s your child’s

uniqueness: uniqueness: temperament, temperament, gifts, talentsgifts, talents

KnowKnow yourself and your child: yourself and your child: stages of development, needsstages of development, needs

Part 2: Elaborate: Part 2: Elaborate: Listen, Value, KnowingListen, Value, Knowing

Listen:Listen:

Effective Listening Effective Listening

Value:Value:

Encouragement vs. Encouragement vs. Praise?Praise?

Know:Know:

Goals of Behavior Goals of Behavior and Disciplineand Discipline

Encourager:Encourager:

• Every family is a work in progress, Every family is a work in progress, we are broken people and redeemed.we are broken people and redeemed.

• Parenting is hard messy work and so Parenting is hard messy work and so is growing up!is growing up!

Effective Listening: 5 stepsEffective Listening: 5 steps1. Understand the problem.

Reflective listening. Ask open-ended questions that help

you understand. Explain the problem clearly and

respectfully. Use I-messages: “When you ______, I

feel ______ because ______.”2. Brainstorm ideas to solve it.3. Discuss the ideas.4. Choose an idea.5. Use the idea.

Let’s Practice! : Let’s Practice! : Role-Role-playplay

1. Understand the problem. Reflective listening. Ask open-ended questions that

help you understand. Explain the problem clearly and

respectfully. Use I-messages: “When you

______, I feel ______ because ______.”2. Brainstorm ideas to solve it.3. Discuss the ideas.4. Choose an idea.5. Use the idea.

Encouragement vs. Praise?Encouragement vs. Praise?

Why Encouragement?Why Encouragement?Romans 15:5-6Romans 15:5-6““May the God who gives endurance and May the God who gives endurance and encouragementencouragement

give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Builds our children’s confidence and feelings of worth!Builds our children’s confidence and feelings of worth!• ““For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to

be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.” Ephesians 1:4-6loves.” Ephesians 1:4-6

Praises = Value JudgmentsPraises = Value Judgments

• ““You’re such a good boy or good You’re such a good boy or good girl!”girl!”

• ““You got an A! That’s great!”You got an A! That’s great!”• ““What a good job you did!”What a good job you did!”• ““I’m so proud of you!”I’m so proud of you!”

– What do you think? Can you think of What do you think? Can you think of a few?a few?

Define PRAISE:Define PRAISE:

Praise = external rewardPraise = external reward, w, worth orth depends on opinions of othersdepends on opinions of others

Praise = value judgments of childPraise = value judgments of child

So, is Praise EVER encouraging?So, is Praise EVER encouraging?

There are times it is There are times it is natural and natural and necessary: ball gamenecessary: ball game

When to praise?When to praise?Ask: Ask: • What is your purpose? Control or What is your purpose? Control or

genuine intent?genuine intent?

• The goal of the child. Is the child The goal of the child. Is the child seeking praise for attention?seeking praise for attention?

• The way the child receives praise, do The way the child receives praise, do they demand it or accepts its without they demand it or accepts its without expectation?expectation?

The Place of praise in the The Place of praise in the Parent-Child relationship:Parent-Child relationship:• Recognize and encourage significant progressRecognize and encourage significant progress• Create greater self-awareness of strengths when the child Create greater self-awareness of strengths when the child

has low self-esteem and does not see his or her own has low self-esteem and does not see his or her own strengths: “Your were so helpful” “You sang so nicely”strengths: “Your were so helpful” “You sang so nicely”

• Guidelines:Guidelines:• Be specificBe specific• Notice improvementNotice improvement• Always use praise with encouragementAlways use praise with encouragement• How to ENCOURAGE:How to ENCOURAGE:• Praise: recap: comments express our values and opinions Praise: recap: comments express our values and opinions

rather than help children BELIEVE in themselves.rather than help children BELIEVE in themselves.• Be alert to remove value loaded words: (good, great, Be alert to remove value loaded words: (good, great,

excellent) Instead use words which express SPECIAL excellent) Instead use words which express SPECIAL MEANING of encouragement.MEANING of encouragement.

EncouragementsEncouragements

• Phrases that show acceptance:Phrases that show acceptance:• ““You seem to like that activity”You seem to like that activity”• ““It’s nice that you enjoy learning”It’s nice that you enjoy learning”• ““I can tell you’re pleased with it”I can tell you’re pleased with it”• ““Since you are not satisfied, what do you Since you are not satisfied, what do you

think you can do so you’ll feel happier think you can do so you’ll feel happier with it?”with it?”

• ““It looks like you enjoyed that”It looks like you enjoyed that”• ““How do you feel about it?”How do you feel about it?”

EncouragementsEncouragements

• Phrases that show confidence:Phrases that show confidence:• ““Knowing you, I am sure you’ll do Knowing you, I am sure you’ll do

fine”fine”• ““You’ll make it!”You’ll make it!”• ““I have confidence in your judgment”I have confidence in your judgment”• ““That’s a rough one, but I think you That’s a rough one, but I think you

can work it out”can work it out”• ““You’ll figure it out”You’ll figure it out”

Encouragements Encouragements

• Phrases that focus on contributions, Phrases that focus on contributions, assets, and appreciation:assets, and appreciation:

• ““Thanks; that helped a lot.”Thanks; that helped a lot.”• ““It was thought of you to ____”It was thought of you to ____”• ““That’s I really appreciate _____, That’s I really appreciate _____,

because it makes my job much because it makes my job much easier”easier”

• ““I need your help on___”I need your help on___”• To a family group: “I really enjoyed To a family group: “I really enjoyed

today, thanks.”today, thanks.”• ““You have skill in ____, would you do You have skill in ____, would you do

that for the family?”that for the family?”

EncouragementsEncouragements

• Phrases that recognize effort and Phrases that recognize effort and improvement:improvement:

• ““You really worked hard on that!”You really worked hard on that!”• ““Looks like you spent a lot of time Looks like you spent a lot of time

thinking that through”thinking that through”• ““I see you are moving along”I see you are moving along”• ““Look at the progress you made: ____ (be Look at the progress you made: ____ (be

specific)”specific)”• ““You may not feel you’ve reached your You may not feel you’ve reached your

goal, but look how far you’ve come!”goal, but look how far you’ve come!”• Developing the Courage to be Developing the Courage to be

IMPERFECT!IMPERFECT!

AttitudeAttitude• Ephesians 4:20-23Ephesians 4:20-23• ““You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him

and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to bebeing corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of made new in the attitude of your minds; your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”righteousness and holiness.”

• ““It look like you really hard on that…It look like you really hard on that…• …….so why not do that all the time..so why not do that all the time.• …….its about time..its about time.• …….see what you can do when you try!”.see what you can do when you try!”

• Value and acceptValue and accept• Point out positive aspects of behaviorPoint out positive aspects of behavior• Show faithShow faith• Recognize effortRecognize effort• Show AppreciationShow Appreciation

Let’s PracticeLet’s Practice

• Think of one encouragement you can Think of one encouragement you can say to your child this afternoonsay to your child this afternoon

• Share with your partnerShare with your partner

Knowing your childKnowing your child

• Behavior of both parties: parents Behavior of both parties: parents and childand child

• Responsibility Responsibility

• DisciplineDiscipline

Know: Goals of BehaviorKnow: Goals of Behavior

• If you feel …If you feel …– Bothered, annoyedBothered, annoyed

• And you usually… And you usually… – Remind, nag, scoldRemind, nag, scold

• And your child’s usual response is to …And your child’s usual response is to …-Stop temporarily. Later misbehave again.-Stop temporarily. Later misbehave again.

Then his/her goal is probably…Then his/her goal is probably…ATTENTIONATTENTION

Know: Goals of BehaviorKnow: Goals of Behavior

• If you feel …If you feel …– Angry, threatenedAngry, threatened

• And you usually… And you usually… – Punish, fight back, give inPunish, fight back, give in

• And your child’s usual response is to …And your child’s usual response is to …-Continue to misbehave, defy you, or do what -Continue to misbehave, defy you, or do what

you asked slowly or sloppilyyou asked slowly or sloppily

Then his/her goal is probably…Then his/her goal is probably…POWERPOWER

Know: Goals of BehaviorKnow: Goals of Behavior

• If you feel …If you feel …– Angry, extremely hurtAngry, extremely hurt

• And you usually… And you usually… – Get back at child, punishGet back at child, punish

• And your child’s usual response is to …And your child’s usual response is to …- Misbehaves even more, keep trying to get even- Misbehaves even more, keep trying to get even

Then his/her goal is probably…Then his/her goal is probably…REVENGEREVENGE

Know: Goals of BehaviorKnow: Goals of Behavior

• If you feel …If you feel …– Hopeless, like giving upHopeless, like giving up

• And you usually…And you usually…– Give up, agree that child is helplessGive up, agree that child is helpless

• And your child’s usual response is to …And your child’s usual response is to …-Does not respond or improve-Does not respond or improve

Then his/her goal is probably…Then his/her goal is probably…DISPLAY OF INADEQUACYDISPLAY OF INADEQUACY

Result:Result:

• Instead of understanding, we react Instead of understanding, we react to our feelings by punishing and/or to our feelings by punishing and/or discipline.discipline.

• Let’s talk about discipline.Let’s talk about discipline.

Discipline that makes senseDiscipline that makes senseAre discipline and punishment the same thing?

Punishment teaches children to resent and fearus. This can lower self-esteem and hurt the relationshipwe want to have.

Punishment teaches children they can punish others,such as by being a bully.

Rewards teach children to get something—not to cooperate.

Rewards, to be effective, have to increase as children get older.

Examples of Punishment:• Threats, yelling, and put-downs.• Taking things away.• Spanking and hitting.

DisciplineDiscipline

• Discipline teaches kids to have self-discipline,• which helps them become more responsible

and• make good choices.• Guidelines for discipline:• 1. Show respect for your child and yourself.• 2. Expect your child to cooperate.• 3. Provide choices.• 4. Apply consequences.

DisciplineDisciplineLimits and Choices

•Setting limits gives you some control. Having

•a choice within those limits helps your

•child have some control, which will help

•her become more responsible.

DisciplineDisciplineNatural and Logical Consequences– Consequences are different from– punishment because:

They show respect for both you and your child. They fit the misbehavior. They are for bad choices—not bad kids. They are about now—not the past. They are firm and friendly. They allow choice.

Last word of Last word of encouragement:encouragement:• Accept that we are Accept that we are powerlesspowerless. .  Romans  Romans

5:6 “You see, at just the right time, when we 5:6 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.”ungodly.”

• And that Only God can restore us to And that Only God can restore us to sanity and we submit our lives, our sanity and we submit our lives, our children’s lives to Him and then….in His children’s lives to Him and then….in His great POWER…. Know that Children great POWER…. Know that Children should be encouraged (not expected) should be encouraged (not expected) to pursue excellence.to pursue excellence.

We Elaborated: We Elaborated: Listen, Value, KnowingListen, Value, Knowing

Listen:Listen:Effective Listening Effective Listening

Value:Value:Encouragement vs. Encouragement vs.

Praise?Praise?Know:Know:

Goals of Behavior and Goals of Behavior and DisciplineDiscipline

Questions? Questions? Colleen.mft@gmail.comColleen.mft@gmail.com

ReferenceReference

• The Parent’s Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, and Don Dinkmeyer, Jr.