Consent & Relationship Consent & Relationship BehaviorsBehaviors

Things that make or break our Things that make or break our relationships!relationships!

Myth or Reality?Myth or Reality?1.1. I can change him/herI can change him/her

2.2. All you need is loveAll you need is love

3.3. Improving communication skills can improve relationshipsImproving communication skills can improve relationships

4.4. You can depend on your partner or others to make you You can depend on your partner or others to make you happyhappy

5.5. This relationship failed because I haven’t found the right This relationship failed because I haven’t found the right person yetperson yet

6.6. I can’t live without him/herI can’t live without him/her

7.7. It is normal to get so angry that you slap/hit/grab someoneIt is normal to get so angry that you slap/hit/grab someone

8.8. You always have to work at a relationship, even if it is You always have to work at a relationship, even if it is healthy onehealthy one

Consent – What is it? Consent – What is it? Enthusiastic YES that’s free from coercion:Enthusiastic YES that’s free from coercion:

Manipulation or guiltManipulation or guilt Repeated askingRepeated asking Threats or Peer pressureThreats or Peer pressure

Body language matches their words of YesBody language matches their words of Yes Ongoing conversation!Ongoing conversation!

Never assume because they said yes before, they Never assume because they said yes before, they continue to want it!continue to want it!

Only YES means YES – don’t wait for a NOOnly YES means YES – don’t wait for a NO Acknowledge the awkward & ASK if unsure!Acknowledge the awkward & ASK if unsure!

Relationship DefinitionsRelationship DefinitionsRelationshipRelationship::

Bond or connection between two or more Bond or connection between two or more peoplepeople

List some of your relationships in each List some of your relationships in each category:category:

1.1. FamilyFamily2.2. FriendsFriends3.3. PeersPeers4.4. Platonic relationshipsPlatonic relationships5.5. Romantic relationshipRomantic relationship

What is Intimacy?What is Intimacy?

1.1. EmotionalEmotional• A spiritual or emotional connection with someone A spiritual or emotional connection with someone

where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes (sibling relationships, parent-child, friends)(sibling relationships, parent-child, friends)

2.2. PhysicalPhysical • A physical connection, usually involving some A physical connection, usually involving some

sort of physical expression between two people sort of physical expression between two people (dating relationships, marriages, committed (dating relationships, marriages, committed couples)couples)

How do we improve our How do we improve our relationships?relationships?

1.1. Practice Assertive Communication SkillsPractice Assertive Communication Skills1.1. Focus on the problem, not the person!Focus on the problem, not the person!

2.2. Accept people for who they areAccept people for who they are• Remember you can’t “change” anyoneRemember you can’t “change” anyone• If you can’t, move onIf you can’t, move on

3.3. Set a good example Set a good example • Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with!Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with!

4.4. Be patient / Take a TIME OUTBe patient / Take a TIME OUT• Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the

relationship is doomedrelationship is doomed• Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other

person “lose” so you can “win”person “lose” so you can “win”

5.5. Know when it’s time to move onKnow when it’s time to move on• Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and

how to end a relationship is important!how to end a relationship is important!

Positive BehaviorsPositive Behaviors Listening- this is key, it builds most of the restListening- this is key, it builds most of the rest

Trust, Respect & HonestyTrust, Respect & Honesty

Assertive communication Assertive communication including Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etcincluding Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etc

Genuine Positive commentsGenuine Positive comments Caring behaviorsCaring behaviors Acceptance & Understanding Acceptance & Understanding Laughing & having fun togetherLaughing & having fun together Keeping care/friendship/romance “alive”Keeping care/friendship/romance “alive” Share common valuesShare common values

Negative BehaviorsNegative Behaviors JealousyJealousy Insults/name callingInsults/name calling Getting angry/losing temperGetting angry/losing temper Threatening (self or partner)Threatening (self or partner) Possessiveness/ ControllingPossessiveness/ Controlling Being overly dependentBeing overly dependent Unrealistic expectationsUnrealistic expectations Never pleased with anything you Never pleased with anything you

do (“You always are late, you do (“You always are late, you never call me back” etc)never call me back” etc)

Asks you to do things they are Asks you to do things they are expected to do (chores, expected to do (chores, homework, etc...)homework, etc...)

Makes you feel bad about Makes you feel bad about yourself more often than they yourself more often than they make you feel goodmake you feel good

RED FLAGS: RED FLAGS: Signs of an Signs of an unhealthy relationship:unhealthy relationship:

1.1. Frequent use of anger and guiltFrequent use of anger and guilt

2.2. Intimidation / Threats / EmbarrassmentIntimidation / Threats / Embarrassment

3.3. Minimize, Deny, BlameMinimize, Deny, Blame

4.4. Any Violence Any Violence (emotional, sexual coercion or physical)(emotional, sexual coercion or physical)

5.5. IsolationIsolation

6.6. Drug and alcohol abuseDrug and alcohol abuse

7.7. Sexual coercion/manipulationSexual coercion/manipulation

8.8. ““Gut feeling” of sadness, discomfort, danger, Gut feeling” of sadness, discomfort, danger, or feeling drained when or after you’re togetheror feeling drained when or after you’re together

Teen Dating Violence FactsTeen Dating Violence Facts

1 in 11 teens reported being in a physically 1 in 11 teens reported being in a physically violent relationship last yearviolent relationship last year

1 in 3 report verbal, physical, emotional or 1 in 3 report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abusesexual abuse Look at Power & Control Wheel Look at Power & Control Wheel

The Line between caring and controlling (video link)The Line between caring and controlling (video link) It’s On Us - No More PSAIt’s On Us - No More PSA Choose Respect videoChoose Respect video

Risk Factors for Teen Dating ViolenceRisk Factors for Teen Dating Violence

Poor communication skillsPoor communication skills Inability to manage angerInability to manage anger Early age of first sexual experienceEarly age of first sexual experience Friends and family members who experience Friends and family members who experience

dating violencedating violence Drug and alcohol useDrug and alcohol use Acceptance of the use of dating violenceAcceptance of the use of dating violence Low self esteemLow self esteem Belief in traditional gender rolesBelief in traditional gender roles

Identifying Healthy & Unhealthy Identifying Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships practiceRelationships practice

 Sarah & Jamie have been “a thing” for a few months now and are not yet officially dating.  When they hang out, Jamie jokingly grabs Sarah’s cell phone to see who else she’s been texting.  When Sarah tells Jamie to stop taking her phone, Jamie laughs and says, “What’s the big deal, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn’t even matter!”

 As Jamie looks through Sarah’s phone, despite Sarah trying to get it back from Jamie, Jamie notices Sarah has been texting with her ex lately.  Jamie suddenly goes from laughing to being jealous and withdrawn and throws the phone towards Sarah on the couch.

 Sarah asks what’s wrong and Jamie says, “I thought I could trust you! I can’t believe you’re texting your ex when you said you two were done!  This is why you didn’t want me to see your phone, isn’t it?!  I should have known you were a liar and a slut!  I can’t believe you would hurt me like this!  I thought I was falling in love with you!  Forget this, I’m outta here!” and then Jamie suddenly leave.  Sarah is left feeling angry, hurt, and confused.

What can we do to help?What can we do to help?

Listen to the victim, let them know you careListen to the victim, let them know you care NEVERNEVER blame the victim! blame the victim! Say something while the behavior is happening, Say something while the behavior is happening,

like “That is like “That is NOTNOT ok!” ok!” Ask the person being abused if they want help Ask the person being abused if they want help

or have sought helpor have sought help 866.834.4357 (HELP) – 24/7 hotline866.834.4357 (HELP) – 24/7 hotline http://www.familycrisis.org/ http://www.familycrisis.org/

Ok or No Way Game?Ok or No Way Game?

Can you tell healthy from unhealthy Can you tell healthy from unhealthy behaviors in a relationship?behaviors in a relationship?

Love vs. LustLove vs. Lust ““We” CentredWe” Centred Trust & HonestyTrust & Honesty Few “bad” fightsFew “bad” fights Responsible (birth control, Responsible (birth control,

STD prevention)STD prevention) Private IntimacyPrivate Intimacy Accepts the otherAccepts the other Friendship grows Friendship grows

continuouslycontinuously Good CommunicationGood Communication Grows over timeGrows over time

““Me” CentredMe” Centred Jealousy/SuspicionJealousy/Suspicion Lots of “bad” fightsLots of “bad” fights IrresponsibleIrresponsible Public IntimacyPublic Intimacy Tries to change the Tries to change the

personperson Sexually Based Sexually Based Poor CommunicationPoor Communication Fast relationshipFast relationship

What do I want in a Love What do I want in a Love relationship?relationship?

Convince me that you understand love vs. lust and Convince me that you understand love vs. lust and healthy relationships.healthy relationships.

1.1. What do you think romantic love feels like or looks What do you think romantic love feels like or looks like?like?

2.2. How do you think you will know it is “true love” vs. lust How do you think you will know it is “true love” vs. lust or infatuation?or infatuation?

3.3. What are all the characteristics you want in a long-What are all the characteristics you want in a long-term love relationship? Discuss “must haves” and term love relationship? Discuss “must haves” and “deal breakers”“deal breakers”

4.4. What exactly is lust? How do characteristics of lust fit What exactly is lust? How do characteristics of lust fit into your ideas about love?into your ideas about love?

5.5. Give examples (or non examples) from your life’s Give examples (or non examples) from your life’s experiencesexperiences

Breaking Up in a Healthy WayBreaking Up in a Healthy Way 1. Make the decision to end it 1. Make the decision to end it

• Think it through based on what is best for you overallThink it through based on what is best for you overall

2. Prepare for feelings of sadness/loss &2. Prepare for feelings of sadness/loss &• Don’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you Don’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you

from doing what is right for youfrom doing what is right for you

3. Choose a neutral location3. Choose a neutral location• Meet up so both people arrive and leave separatelyMeet up so both people arrive and leave separately

4. Explain your reasons4. Explain your reasons• Let them know where you are coming fromLet them know where you are coming from

5. Make the end final 5. Make the end final • don’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etcdon’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etc

6. Develop your other relationships – 6. Develop your other relationships – including with including with yourself!yourself!

Ending Relationships: Ending Relationships: Why they endWhy they end

Typical reasons:Typical reasons: Changes in needs, goals, interests or valuesChanges in needs, goals, interests or values Differences in what people want out of the relationshipDifferences in what people want out of the relationship Unmet expectations or personality issuesUnmet expectations or personality issues Differences in sexual desires Differences in sexual desires

TROUBLE SIGNS:TROUBLE SIGNS: One person stops listening or becomes emotionally absentOne person stops listening or becomes emotionally absent Increases in unresolved conflictsIncreases in unresolved conflicts Stop enjoying time togetherStop enjoying time together Feeling the relationship is not worth savingFeeling the relationship is not worth saving ANY physical, sexual or emotional abuseANY physical, sexual or emotional abuse

Case Study on BreakupsCase Study on Breakups

Chris is a serious student who hopes to get an academic Chris is a serious student who hopes to get an academic scholarship at a top-ranked college and has been dating Jesse scholarship at a top-ranked college and has been dating Jesse for almost a year. for almost a year.

Jesse is very interested in Chris and having a good time with Jesse is very interested in Chris and having a good time with friends. Jesse usually studies the night before an exam (if at friends. Jesse usually studies the night before an exam (if at all) and is happy with a C average in school. Jesse plans to get all) and is happy with a C average in school. Jesse plans to get a job after high school. a job after high school.

Lately, Chris & Jesse have had a bunch of fights over school, Lately, Chris & Jesse have had a bunch of fights over school, grades and how they spend their time. Chris cares about grades and how they spend their time. Chris cares about Jesse and wants Jesse to go to college. Jesse wants Chris to Jesse and wants Jesse to go to college. Jesse wants Chris to just “relax” about school. After a long night of talking about the just “relax” about school. After a long night of talking about the future and their goals, Chris realizes that the relationship with future and their goals, Chris realizes that the relationship with Jesse should end.Jesse should end.

Case Study: QuestionsCase Study: Questions

What signs exist that show the relationship is in What signs exist that show the relationship is in trouble?trouble?

Why does Chris want to end the relationship?Why does Chris want to end the relationship? How should it be ended?How should it be ended? What should Jesse do after the relationship is What should Jesse do after the relationship is

over?over?

Did you realize???Did you realize??? Dr. Willard Harley discovered we tend to keep Dr. Willard Harley discovered we tend to keep

“track” of we are treated by others and have a “track” of we are treated by others and have a “bank account” of sorts.“bank account” of sorts. For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated

well and go “down” when we are treated poorlywell and go “down” when we are treated poorly

It takes It takes 5-15 POSITIVE 5-15 POSITIVE acts to counter the acts to counter the negative impact of just negative impact of just ONE harmfulONE harmful act or act or statementstatement

See chart next pageSee chart next page

Relationship Bank TransactionsRelationship Bank Transactions

Deposits:Deposits: HumorHumor AppreciationAppreciation Encouragement’Encouragement’ HonestyHonesty GenerosityGenerosity AcceptanceAcceptance TrustTrust Understanding Understanding

WithdrawalsWithdrawals AngerAnger CriticismCriticism SelfishnessSelfishness DishonestyDishonesty DisrespectDisrespect JudgmentJudgment ResentmentResentment Betrayal Betrayal

It’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship than fix a It’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship than fix a broken one!broken one!

Key PointsKey Points

It’s easier to maintain a healthy relationship than It’s easier to maintain a healthy relationship than to fix a broken one.to fix a broken one.

Healthy relationships make you feel good!Healthy relationships make you feel good!

It’s ok to end a negative relationship!It’s ok to end a negative relationship!

YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL in all YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL in all relationships!relationships!